#hp shit post

[snetunia-snosier-lover]

Petunia: Hey, Severus, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?

Severus: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.

Petunia: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?

Severus: Can't really say I have.

Petunia: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.

Severus: Sorry, Tunia. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

[courfee]

little poster for the fic Operation Walburga's Arbitrary No Kissing Ever Rule :) 10 things i hate about you, but make it jegulus

[thefairmaidenoffandom]

prepare to be SICKKK of me now that its christmastime

[managone16]

"are you reading fanfiction?" the response i want to give: yes and what will you do about it? fuck off. the response that comes out: *switching tabs* no, i'm researching on——photos of paper clips?...

[bisexual-biohazard5]

Bill visits the burrow on his day off. Everyone else is being chaotic and just bouncing off the walls with energy but Percy is in the corner writing.

Bill's like, "What is this kid doing?" He notices that Percy is writing with his right hand but Bill swears he was left handed.

Bills now convinced someone replaced Percy and is walkign around with a bottle of holy water and side eyeing Percy lookign terrified.

Meanwhile theres Percy who taught himself to write with both hands just in case, "????"

[yourgalgremlin]

Rewriting the Wolfstar Fight in POA:

SIRIUS: You MARRIED my cousin's daughter?!

REMUS: FAKE-married! You faked your death?!

SIRIUS: At least mine is forgivable!

REMUS: Oh so you're allowed to fake-DIE but I'm not allowed to fake-MARRY your niece?

TONKS: Hey my #1 wlw ship is w/ Fleur Delacour (the hot Veela) so Ima pack my ✨fake-DǏCK✨ for my REAL-gf. Bye✌🏼

[chocoramo-cow]

Bellatrix: why do you always miss out on field missions?!?!

20 year old Deatheater Snape:

[mxchidreams]

First potions class

.

.

.

Edit, I forgot when originally posting, but I believe credit is due where it is needed, this was a parody post to the Madoka Magica comic strip originally made by JAYnder on Twitter, a wonderful artist who's work I definitely recommend!!!

[callmesel]

I’m procrastinating as always so I drop this and leave

[that-bitch-kat3]

sirius @ james when he runs away to the potters

[snetunia-snosier-lover]

I'm back on my snetunia au where sev and petunia get together and have kids. I've given them a third child because I wanted too, and yes they are naming their kids after flowers because yes :)

Her name is Azalea Evans. She's got long black hair and black eyes like her father. She wears a cross necklace given to her by her godfather. She was born on May 9, 1990. More info on her to come.

[littleliterarylesbian]

lesbian lily,,, oooo lesbian lily save me,,,,

[mrstellmeafuckingsecret]

nobleflower but narcissa is an actual bitch please

[bi-snape]

Chaotic D.E. Severus incorrect quotes

✨️

Severus: Here's two facts about me.

Severus: 1. I hate hot people.

Severus: 2. I'm a hypocrite.

✨️

Severus: Ok so, apparently the "bad vibes" I've been feeling are actually severe psychological distress.

✨️

Severus: I’m a multitasker!

Severus: I can disappoint fifteen people at once.

✨️

Severus: I’m really glad “fight me” has replaced “sue me” in the common vernacular because I don’t have money, but I do have fists and I am always angry.

✨️

Severus: If a demon possessed me, I’d just be like, “Okay, take it from here, good luck man.”

✨️

Lucius: I think Barty is in trouble.

Severus: Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I’m honest.

✨️

Lucius: Evan, gather the others. We need to have another Severus-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-him-before-he-hurts-someone convention.

✨️

Mulciber: Hey, Severus, where are you going?

Severus: Well, it depends. When I die, probably hell.

Severus: But right now I’m going to McDonald’s.

✨️

Regulus: So I have made the decision to trust you.

Severus: A horrible decision, really.

✨️

Wilkes: How has life been treating you lately?

Severus: Horribly.

✨️

Lucius, texting Narcissa: I had to pick up Severus early.

Narcissa: That’s alright. Has he been sick?

Lucius: No, not sick, he's just very upset because he had a hard day.

Narcissa: Wait, why did he have a hard day?

Lucius: He took his two pet snails to school with him today, and he had the snails in his book bag. He let out the snails by the sink in the back of the potions classroom for some exercise, and Professor Slughorn thought they were snails that escaped the jars from his ingredient cupboard, so he used Severus’s snails in a potion for demonstration.

Narcissa: Oh my god.

Lucius: I know you are laughing, Cissa, but please act sad about it when we get home today.

Narcissa: I’ll try but that is hilarious.

Lucius: Yeah, I know. Stupid pet snails.

Lucius: I’m trying not to let Severus see me laugh.

✨️

Severus: Do you want this handful of moss?

Voldemort: Why would I want a handful of fucking moss?

Severus: Damn, you could’ve just said no.

✨️

Severus: Yeah I'm LGBT.

Severus: cuLt leader.

Severus: God hates me personally.

Severus: Bitchy.

Severus: *sniffles* Trying my best.

✨️

Voldemort: I assume you realize that this kind of idiocy will not be tolerated in this house.

Severus: Is there any kind of idiocy you would be more comfortable with?

✨️

Lucius: Hi, I'm Severus Snape's emergency contact.

Counter Woman: You're here to pick him up?

Lucius: I'm here to remove myself as his emergency contact.

[shakespearean-simp]

mattheo after playing "indoor quidditch" (it's raining) and breaking something then blaming it on theo

something includes: a lamp, vases, a shelf, a couch cushion, a blanket, pillows, and burning a hole into the carpet

r: who just broke the lamp? ...mattheo...

m: it wasn't me! it was theo! [points and glares accusingly + said perpetrator runs to his dorm]

r: ...nott...! [follows upstairs]

t: [little girl shriek followed by a distinct sound of slamming and thuds]

[bisexual-biohazard5]

Fred: Oi Percy, do you know where George is?

Percy: Staring into space and snaps back in after a few seconds. . . .Oh umm, upstairs?

Fred: Oh okay. Goes upstairs and doesn't find his twin. Goes back downstairs to Percy. He's not up there.

Percy: Oh I know. I don't actually know where he is. I was just trying to get you to leave me alone.