#hp shit

[bi-snape]

Chaotic D.E. Severus incorrect quotes

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Severus: Here's two facts about me.

Severus: 1. I hate hot people.

Severus: 2. I'm a hypocrite.

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Severus: Ok so, apparently the "bad vibes" I've been feeling are actually severe psychological distress.

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Severus: I’m a multitasker!

Severus: I can disappoint fifteen people at once.

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Severus: I’m really glad “fight me” has replaced “sue me” in the common vernacular because I don’t have money, but I do have fists and I am always angry.

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Severus: If a demon possessed me, I’d just be like, “Okay, take it from here, good luck man.”

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Lucius: I think Barty is in trouble.

Severus: Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I’m honest.

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Lucius: Evan, gather the others. We need to have another Severus-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-him-before-he-hurts-someone convention.

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Mulciber: Hey, Severus, where are you going?

Severus: Well, it depends. When I die, probably hell.

Severus: But right now I’m going to McDonald’s.

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Regulus: So I have made the decision to trust you.

Severus: A horrible decision, really.

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Wilkes: How has life been treating you lately?

Severus: Horribly.

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Lucius, texting Narcissa: I had to pick up Severus early.

Narcissa: That’s alright. Has he been sick?

Lucius: No, not sick, he's just very upset because he had a hard day.

Narcissa: Wait, why did he have a hard day?

Lucius: He took his two pet snails to school with him today, and he had the snails in his book bag. He let out the snails by the sink in the back of the potions classroom for some exercise, and Professor Slughorn thought they were snails that escaped the jars from his ingredient cupboard, so he used Severus’s snails in a potion for demonstration.

Narcissa: Oh my god.

Lucius: I know you are laughing, Cissa, but please act sad about it when we get home today.

Narcissa: I’ll try but that is hilarious.

Lucius: Yeah, I know. Stupid pet snails.

Lucius: I’m trying not to let Severus see me laugh.

✨️

Severus: Do you want this handful of moss?

Voldemort: Why would I want a handful of fucking moss?

Severus: Damn, you could’ve just said no.

✨️

Severus: Yeah I'm LGBT.

Severus: cuLt leader.

Severus: God hates me personally.

Severus: Bitchy.

Severus: *sniffles* Trying my best.

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Voldemort: I assume you realize that this kind of idiocy will not be tolerated in this house.

Severus: Is there any kind of idiocy you would be more comfortable with?

✨️

Lucius: Hi, I'm Severus Snape's emergency contact.

Counter Woman: You're here to pick him up?

Lucius: I'm here to remove myself as his emergency contact.

[slytherin-boys]

Snape's gang incorrect quotes

◇

Wes: Seriously, Evan, how many people would you have killed if we’d asked you to?

Evan: That’s not important

Wes: I DISAGREE.

◇

Evan, laying in bed: Get out of my room.

Veles, standing just outside of the door frame: I’m not in your room.

◇

Severus, to the squad: And remember, if I get harsh with you it is only because you’re doing it all wrong.

◇

Veles: Come on, Evan! How any times do I have to apologize?

Evan: Once!

Veles: ...No.

◇

William: Oh man, you have any shaving cream?

Severus: No, I don't like the way that it tastes.

William: Wait...you eat shaving cream?

Severus: No. Why would I eat it if I don't like the taste.

◇

Severus: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.

Wes: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?

◇

Evan: Cause your pretty and your smart, and your ignoring me so your obviously my type.

Severus, who was distracted: I'm sorry- what were you saying?

Evan: Perfect.

[snetunia-snosier-lover]

Petunia: Hey, Severus, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?

Severus: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.

Petunia: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?

Severus: Can't really say I have.

Petunia: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.

Severus: Sorry, Tunia. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

[anti-marauders]

Of all the Death Eaters, even when they side with Voldy, Avery Jr. doesn't seem that evil. Like, as a kid he was a bit of a bully, but as an adult, we see him scheming up a plan that would involve hurting the minimum amount of people, although it was a dumb one, and he begs upon Voldemorts return forgiveness not only for himself, but also his comrads. Makes me think most death eaters are morally grey, not necessarely personally evil.

Peter Pettigrew, is resentful and cowardly, but...He doesn't do that for pleasure.

Draco Malfoy is little more than a school yard bully who's more parent-oriented than peer-oriented. He's honestly the least scary out of them.

Regulus died to save his house elf Kreature.

The young Death Eaters prior to meeting Voldy were probably not that bad. Not good by any means, but not this twisted and evil.

True, the same goes for Severus who turned spy when his childhood friend became a target.

Not all slytherins were sick and twisted. They weren't fully good but they still had some sort goodness in their heart.

[whxre-snape]

Regulus, gardening: Hey, can you bring me the hoe?

Barty: Yeah, sure.

*A few minutes later*

Barty: Here you go.

Regulus:

Severus:

Severus: ...Why am I here?

[xhalfblood-princex]

Sev dropped out :)

He's now living his life as Evan's house husband :)

[that-bitch-kat3]

sirius: remus isn’t a hear me out because everybody wants to fuck him

james:

peter:

remus:

james: i do think that’s something you should look into on your own time

[managone16]

Sirius: Hey reggie, pass me my cig box will you? Regulus: *taking out a box from his pocket* Here, have one of mine. Sirius, baffled: what, you smoke?! Regulus: No, I keep them in my pocket to fucking snack on.

[shadowjinx2906]

James: *sighs a madly in love sigh* He speaks with a voice as sweet as honey 😍

…

Regulus: The fuck you looking at, Four Eyes?

[rhetorical-conscience]

James: So, what are you in the mood for today?

Regulus: World domination.

James: Love, we've been over th-

Regulus, interrupting: You're my world.

James: Awww, Reg!!!

Regulus:

James:

Regulus:

James: OH.

[basiatlu]

[bi-snape]

Happy Snape family au

Eileen: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming? Tobias: Can everyone in this godforsaken family please learn the skill called "Think Before You Speak"? Severus: Ya know... it might be.

🦋

Tobias: What did Severus do this time? Eileen: More like WHO did Severus do this time?

🦋

Eileen: Severus is at that very special age where a kid only has one thing on their mind. Tobias: Boys/Girls? Severus: Homicide.

🦋

Eileen, gardening: Hey, can you bring me the hoe? Severus: Yeah, sure. *A few minutes later* Severus: Here you go. Eileen: Severus: Tobias: Why am I here?

🦋

Eileen: When Severus was born, the gods said, "He's too perfect for this world." Tobias: Please. When he were born, the devil said, "Oh, competition."

🦋

Tobias: *double checking supplies in the boat* Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen. Severus: Hot dog costumes! Tobias: I’m sorry, what? Severus: You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably ma, goes mad with hunger, we’ll put these on. Ma hates hot dogs, so she probably won’t eat us. Tobias: Are you saying that your mother would rather eat us than hot dogs? Eileen: I DO hate hot dogs.

🦋

Eileen, holding out a cookie for Severus: Look! This ones a heart, that’s how I feel about you! Kid Severus: *Ugly crying* Eileen, holding out another cookie for Tobias: This ones like Michigan, that’s how I feel about you! Tobias, throwing his hands in the air: What does that mean?!

🦋

Severus: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I’d just be excited to have a bunk bed. Eileen: Eileen: I'm gonna tell him. Tobias: Don't you dare.

[slytherin-boys]

Wes: What did you guys get in your yearbook?

Evan: 'Prettiest Smile'

Will: 'Nicest Personality'

Klaus: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'

Severus: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'

◇Wes is Avery, Klaus is Mulciber, And William or Will is Wilkes◇

[snetunia-snosier-lover]

I'm back on my snetunia au where sev and petunia get together and have kids. I've given them a third child because I wanted too, and yes they are naming their kids after flowers because yes :)

Her name is Azalea Evans. She's got long black hair and black eyes like her father. She wears a cross necklace given to her by her godfather. She was born on May 9, 1990. More info on her to come.

[fafodill]

Via @snapesupremacy on instagram

I couldn't stop laughing so I had to draw it

[xhalfblood-princex]