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just-some-random-blogger · 5 months ago

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Tormented Spirit | 9

Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

"Is it such a sin to stand up for yourself?" you mutter as tears blur your vision. The way he reacted was visceral, instinctive even. "You never have to stand up for yourself ever again," says Daemon, reaching a hand to you, "come."

Daemon Targaryen x Hightower!Reader | 4k+ | cw: fem!reader, reader has brown hair, wife!reader, twin!Gwayne, arranged/forced marriage, canon divergence, alternate universe, slow burn, DD:DNE, panic/anxiety attacks, daddy issues/child abuse/family problems, mentions/depictions of mental/physical/psychosomatic illness, ye old misogyny, angst, typos, etc.

A/N: GUYS ITS STILL TOO FUCKING LONG I HAD TO CUT IT AGAIN. T_T canon stuff/medieval health care might not be accurate so ROLLLL with it ok. please consider leaving comments/reblogs because they really help me with the fic. | cross posted on ao3

@arabellasleopardcoat @prettybiching @myllovellybones

Daemon takes you to the dining room, and upon entering, you are met with Rhaenyra and Alicent, who were in the middle of eating lunch. For a split second, you are happy to see them both, but then you remember the horrible news regarding the princess's mother.

Daemon is taken off-guard by how you pull away from him. He knits his brows, following after you as you head towards his niece, deeply annoyed by how easily you disregard him. But upon hearing the words you speak, he freezes.

"My deepest condolences, my princess," you curtsy at Rhaenyra before placing a hand on her shoulder.

She is dejected and her eyes are sullen as she turns to you.

"She was in active labor last I saw her..." you shake your head, finding the words to say, "it is terrible to be without a mother," you turn to your sister, placing a hand on her shoulder as well, "the pain never quite leaves you. My sister and I know it well."

Rhaenyra turns back to her food, "how good to know."

You frown and crouch down beside her, "darling."

Rhaenyra slowly turns back to you, tears now falling from her eyes.

"Pain is difficult... but I've come to realize," you swipe her cheek, "it makes peace all the more precious." You chuckle under your breath when your own eyes begin to water, "I would know."

Alicent frowns, quickly feeling her own eyes well up at the display.

The same happens to Daemon. He watches three girls weep and his face hardens as he comes to Rhaenyra's side, "bisa tolī kessa rēbagon, ñuha riña." This too shall pass, my girl.

Rhaenyra turns to her uncle as he grabs her hand, heavy tears stream down her face, "ziry ōdragon." It hurts.

Daemon is supposed to say something, but then he notices Alicent begin to fuss over you. You softly brush her off as you come to stand. Alicent is quick to stand with you, and she is glad to have done so, because you nearly topple back.

Rhaenyra's hand is quickly dropped when Daemon comes to your side, calling out your name. You sheepishly turn to him, apologizing over and back as he escorts you to a seat.

Rhaenyra stares at you as her uncle sits you in the chair across her She watches how Daemon treats you, thinking she's never seen him treat anyone like this before, much less a lady. It makes her sorrow all the more sour.

He brushes your back but only calms after your food is served and he's seen you eat a few bites. He takes a goblet of wine but his eyes remain fixed on you, "better?"

You turn to him, sheepish, still, "I am. Thank you, darling."

Alicent's eyes widen at the sound of the pet name. Rhaenyra rolls her eyes with a huff. It is precisely that sound that makes you realize what you've said. You were used to referring to Alicent and Rhaenyra that, it came so naturally this moment, "I- I mean-"

"Where is your father?" Daemon turns to Rhaenyra, seemingly not noticing your slip up. He did notice, but why wouldn't you call him darling?

Rhaenyra clenches her jaw as she shakes her head, "mourning his lost heir."

Both you and your husband's face fall. You turn from the princess to the prince, reaching for his hand. Daemon clutches your hand as his brows constrict, "your brother is dead?"

"Just last night," Rhaenyra absentmindedly stirs her food, "his and my mother's funereal will be held in a few hours."

Your heart hurts for her, "my deepest sympathies for your losses, princess."

There is a thick silence for a moment. You all find it quite hard to eat, but you do so regardless. You force feed yourself through the unpleasant churn in your belly. After a while, you look across the room, finding that it looked everyone was experiencing the same thing. You break the silence, turning to your sister, "perhaps Alicent can accompany you to the temple to pray. It did always help me."

Alicent turns to Rhaenyra, but she does not react.

Your sister looks back at you and you give her a nod of encouragment. Alicent thinks for a moment, "a walk there would be good for you as well."

You smile at the red haired girl.

"My prayers are terrible," Rhaenyra mumbles.

You huff and frown at the thought, "it is impossible. No prayer is terrible, especially not one spoken in earnest."

Rhaenyra remembers how her septa would use you as an example for praying. She sniffles, "would you join us, aunt?"

You perk and immediately nod, "I would love t-"

"No," Daemon quips, placing his silverware down, "I do not want to be subjected to tolling bells and incense."

You all turn to him as Daemon turns to you. You slowly shake your head, "if... that is the case, you do not have to come."

Daemon's eyes widen ever so slightly in offense.

"Perhaps you can wa-"

"Kesan daor mītepagon ao ñuha ābrazȳrys," I will not lend you my wife, says Daemon to Rhaenyra.

You turn from your husband to his niece. Rhaenyra looks back at you, "he says he will not lend you to me."

Your lips part, giving him a look, "Daemon."

"She has your sister," he turns to you, "if they need another companion, lend her your ward."

A long silence passes.

Rhaenyra stares at her half-empty plate and decides that's as much as she'll ever get to eat in this moment. She pushes her chair back and stands, "I'm quite finished," she looks between the table. Alicent takes a final spoonful before standing as well.

"Raqagon aōha ābrazȳrys, kepa," enjoy your wife, uncle, Rhaenyra says as she walks off. Alicent follows after her, and both girls look at you as you stand to greet them goodbye. Daemon simply looks at his niece.

Rhaenyra, though she always harbored a special affection towards her uncle, could not find it in her to project her ire out on you, for you were nothing but kind to her, and after all, you were her closest friend's older sister. She nods at you as she leaves, "princess."

"Princess," you nod back and do the same for Alicent, "sister. Take care of each other."

Once they are gone, you sit back down and glare at Daemon.

It takes a moment for him to realize it. When he catches your look, his brows contort. You immediately quip, "would it very hard for you to stomach the ambience of the temple for an hour?"

Daemon turns back to his plate. He thinks of the night he came to you at the temple, "just because I came for you does not mean I wish to do the same for Rhaenyra."

You knit your brows deeply, not having a clue on what he's saying, "what?"

The image of sorrowful wailing still haunts him, and your prayer for death is not something he wishes to hear ever again. You cannot pray such prayers if you are not in that fucking place, "I forbid you from going to the temple."

"You forbid me?" you ask, flabbergasted.

"It is my prerogative where I go, and-" he turns back to you, "where my wife does."

You stare at him for a moment. You feel frustration bubble in your belly, "Daemon."

Anger bubbles in his belly.

You reach for his hand and gaze upon him in confusion, "the child's mother is dead."

He looks at your hand before his away, "I knew her mother longer than she has."

You chuckle in disbelief, pulling your head back. He looks at you, jaw set and eyes glassy. You shake your head slowly, "that's not fair."

"Isn't it?" Daemon laughs, hurt by your sentiment.

"Her mother is dead," you shake your head rapidly, "she who taught her everything she kno-"

Daemon stands abruptly, jaw and fists clenched tightly, making you flinch. He stares at you for a long moment and you feel your breath begin to grow heavy. You slowly reach for his hand, half expecting him to rip his arm away. When he does not, you come to a stand, "Dae-"

"You impress me with your commitment to understand everyone else but I."

His words stab you like a spear through the chest. Your eyes begin to water, "is that what you think I'm do-"

"Then what?!" he snaps, tears threatening to fall down his cheeks.

You begin to sob and you take his cheeks, "I'm trying to make you understand what I am thinking, why I want to go with Rhaenyra, because I know what it fee-"

"Do I not mourn?" Daemon swats your hand away from him. He quickly turns away when his tears begin to fall. He does not get to notice how you twitch at his action, nor how instantly your heart begins to race.

He walks off to the door, stopping for a moment, waiting for you to come after him. You do not.

More accurately, you cannot. You clutch your chest and try to calm yourself before you slip into a full blown attack. You force yourself to take five deep breaths, and thankfully, you do not feel light headed.

Daemon, too wrapped up in his self-suffering, does not even think to look at you and storms out of the dining room.

By the time the doors slam shut, you are able to bring yourself to go after your husband. You move as quickly as you can, convincing yourself sprinting was worth it if you managed to catch up to Daemon. The thing was, you were still a terrible runner, and it if wasn't hard enough to catch your breath, you were screaming out the prince's name as you did, making it doubly hard.

Daemon, on the other hand, did not have to try to walk as fast as he did. He is walking so fast, if anyone were to crash into him, they would shoot off and hurt themselves.

It doesn't take long for you to lose your breath, and though you didn't want to, your body to forces you to stop. You were so close. You managed to catch a whiff of Daemon's silver hair, but now everything was turning silver... then black. You reach to the side to lean against the wall, but you miscalculate your reach and shift your weight, only to slip and crash roughly onto the ground.

You're so out of breath, no sound comes out of you when you crash. The pain is immense, yet you are rendered mute. Your ribs throb at the impact of colliding against the stone floor. You do not know it, but your nose it bleeding too.

It's a wonder that you did not pass out. Or perhaps it was the gods' will for you to feel fibre of your body strangle itself from how your lungs struggled, as punishment for being unkind to your husband.

You do know know it, but two Gold Cloaks find you on the floor. They are quick to bring you to the maester's ward. You hear them explain to the measter how they found you, and you muster up your remaining energy to say, "Daemon... please."

The two Gold Cloaks understand and leave with the intent of sending your husband to you. They will not manage to find him till much later for he went off on dragonback.

You lie on one of the cots in the maester's ward, staring at the ceiling you've come to know all too well. You know your maester can do little to help you in this moment, but you are grateful for his care nonetheless.

"You mustn't strain yourself in your condition, your grace," the old man says, "you are carrying a child within you."

You tense at his words. Your sit up and straighten your back, rapidly shaking your head, "b-but, maester, how can that be? It cannot be."

He offers you a solemn look, "your father, Lord Hand, has made us monitor you-"

"He does not finish inside me," you quip and frantically motion, "he- he... he spills on my skin. How then can I be with child?"

The maester is taken aback by your confession. He does not give himself away though and calmly explains, "it is still possible for... the seed take root from premature ejaculation."

You are floored by this information. You shake your head in disagreement, "but— he will not believe me."

"He does not have to. It does not ch-"

"He will do everything to villainize me. He will accuse me of infidelity."

He frowns, "I can explain it to-"

"No!" you grab his arms, "you must not tell him! You must not tell a soul."

He pulls his head back, "your grace..." he brings your hands slowly off him, "you can only hide such a thing for so long."

You shake your head and bring yourself to stand, "it is a worry for another time."

"Wait- you cannot leave-"

"I cannot miss the queen's funeral."

The maester does his best to prevent you from leaving. He calmly tries to lead you back to bed and explain that no one would fault you for being unable to attend. You are persistent however and managed to get out of the room. Two other maesters come and try to reel you back in, and it is the same time your wards come running in.

News of you fainting had spread like wildfire, and both their faces were marked with avid worry. "Princess!" they call in unison.

"Make them release me!" you wail in exhaustion as you fight off the maesters.

"She cannot go," your maester says, "she is far too weak."

"Unhand her this instant!" Erryk barks, ready to forcefully shove the old men away from you.

The maesters pull away in shock and confusion as Erryk imposes upon them. Arryk is the one to keep you upright, and he is horrified by the state you are in. You lean into his armour, lulled by his hard steel as you sigh in exhaustion.

"You would subdue her in such a state?" Arryk snaps.

"She is hysterical," the maester says, "she is not strong enough to-"

"Aye, but she's strong enough to fight off 3 grown men?" Arryk grits his teeth as he keeps you upright, "have you not given her medication?"

He sighs, "there is no medication fo-"

"Then what business has she here?" Erryk raises his brows, "you'd keep her to rot?"

The man scoffs, "I am offended, ser, that you think you know better than I when it comes to the health of the princess."

"I do know better," Erryk snaps, "you will not treat her like a prisoner if she asks to leave again."

"Ha!" the maester snaps, "fine! I'm sure the days you've spent gutting men has made you learned in the ways to heal them, ser."

With that, the maesters leave and you feel a weight lifted off your shoulders. You sigh as Erryk turns to you, seeing the hardness of his face soften in real time. You frown, "you should not have done that."

"My duty?" he narrows his eyes, "they had you surrounded like a criminal."

Arryk nods, "I fear they might have bruised you."

You sigh, fighting back tears. You steel yourself away and shake your head, "I should prepare for the funeral."

You do just that and Erryk and Arryk escort you to the funeral. You immediately spot Daemon, but he was stood beside his brother and niece, so you did not think it proper to interlope. You find Alicent standing just a few paces from Rhaenyra and debate to join her, but then you see the Lord Hand farther behind her, and you feel the need to cry.

"Papa," you mumble to yourself as you go to him.

Your father is quick to recognize your distress once you come to him, and quickly takes you under his arm. It is so instinctive, the Cargyll twins are shocked by it. They were supposed to keep close watch on you, but they decided to give you and your father privacy.

Otto had long decided physical affections were no use to you, and yet in this moment, he pulls you into him, securing one arm your shoulders. You press your cheek into his chest as you steal a glance at the king. Viserys stands before two lifeless bodies, and the sight mirrored that of the day your mother died.

You wrap your arms around your father.

He sighs, eyes throwing daggers at the Rogue fucking prince, "did he take the news badly?"

You shake your head, "I have not told him."

Otto sighs again, agitated and disappointed. His face is crestfallen as calls out your name, "what happened then?"

"I am terrified."

Your father tenses and clenches his jaw. He strokes your hair, doing his best to ignore the awful sounds you were making. "The gods with strengthen you, daughter." he turns to Alicent, "I will take care of it, my girl."

After the funeral, once Otto made sure you are taken care off, he goes to his other daughter and asks about the princess. Alicent is quick to explain to him that Rhaenyra is so much like you when your mother died, "I have not seen Rhaenyra in such a state."

Otto offers Alicent a soft smile, placing a hand on her cheek, "you are ever empathetic, daughter, to both the princess and your sister."

"Sister did not look well at the funeral either. I should check up on her."

"That won't be necessary," her father raises a hand, "I've seen to her already. She needs only to rest now."

Alicent slowly nods.

"You ought to offer some empathy to the king however."

The girl tenses at the thought.

"Unlike your princesses, the king does not have people to go to at this time. Even now, he's secluded himself in his chambers. It would be good of you to go to him from time to time, if only to express how you keep him in your prayers."

Alicent tries to make sense of it. She clenches her jaw, "wouldn't it be more appropriate for you to do this, father?"

He chuckles lowly, "how much sadder would he be if a widower offer another widower his bitter prayers?"

She stills at the thought and understands. Or so she thinks.

Otto smiles and places a hand on her shoulder, "it might be best if you keep private your visits to him. You need not explain your concern to Rhaenyra to further distress her."

She nods in understanding. In truth, she does not understand the true intentions of her father, and will not until it is far too late.

As this was happening, you were trying to get ahold of Daemon. You could not for he was quick to leave the funeral right after it concluded. He had seen you crying to your father and wanted to wash his eyes with alcohol, unwanting to behold such a gruesome sight. It stung far too much that you sought comfort in that cunt face. Why didn't you cry to him instead?

Daemon washes alcohol down his throat instead with members of his City Watch at his favorite brothel. Mysaria is there to keep him company and though her touch and words are gentle, he cannot find solace in them like he once did.

The two guards who had found you on the floor earlier today hear about the gathering and go to the prince to tell him what had happened to you.

"Your grace."

Daemon sulks as he stares at a cup of wine. Mysaria, who was stood behind his chair, looks at the men then to the silver haired man, "my prince. These men want to speak to you."

"Wha-what for?" he snaps through a hiccup.

"Your wife, my prince," one says.

Mysaria stiffens, lips parting. She was not a stranger to Daemon's foul moods and prided herself in easily defusing them. It changed when he married the Hightower girl. Though it was evident most of his frustrations stemmed from you, you were too much of a touchy subject, which is why she says, "I do not think he wants to talk about her."

"A whore should not meddle with concerns she cannot understand."

Mysaria scoffs, thinking about how Daemon fucked her once and called out his bride's name. When she brought it up after, he screamed, telling her he doesn't pay her to ask questions. She steps back and crosses her arms, "be my guest then."

One of the two guards lean forward in an attempt to gain the attention of the distracted man, "prince Daemon. We wished to report something regarding your wife."

Daemon ticks. He had been gazing into space, but now he has the wits to pours himself a drink, "is she dead now too?"

The two are taken aback. Mysaria steps back a few paces.

"N-no, your grace. But she-"

"Then do not FUCKING mention her to me!" Daemon snaps, jolting from his seat. His scream was loud enough to cause the noise to cease. He grabs his cup and downs his drink in one go. He then pushes past the two guards and begins to monologue.

"The gods give as the gods take," he says, voice horse and eyes misty. "Try as they may, I am not so easily replaced."

The room is solemn as they look upon the prince. He is clearly distraught and wholly drunk.

He stares at his cup, "wine does not taste sweeter with tears. Tonight, we drink to the Heir For A Day..." he burps, "perhaps he would have liked wine."

Back in the keep, as Alicent leaves her father's quarters, you go to them, which is why you cross paths. She is concerned by how you lean into ser Cargyll's arm as you walk, and immediately comes to your side, "sister?"

"Alicent," you smile, immediately perking up.

"Lady Hightower," the knight greets her.

"It's ser Erryk," you playfully whisper with a smile.

Alicent turns to you and offershim as soft smile, "ser Erryk."

"You spoke to father, surely," you take her hand, making her look back at you, "is his mood grim?"

She shakes her head, "no. He is... relatively placid, I think."

"Good," you break away from Erryk. He assures you are firmly planted on your feet before releasing you, "I can talk to him then."

"Shouldn't you rather be resting?" she asks in concern.

"It is urgent. I-" you shake your head, "I cannot delay any further."

Alicent realizes then that your hair was fully undone and slightly messy now. You were also in your thick velvet robe, and it only causes her further concern. "I know I am not Gwayne, but if there is anything you wish to speak of," she squeezes your hands, "I am hear to lend an ear."

Your lips wobble, but you steel yourself away. You crush your sister into your arms and pepper her cheeks with kisses, "my sweet girl. I am five years your senior. I must lend you my ear." You pull away and cup her cheeks. You frown when you see her glassy eyes, "do not worry for me."

She chuckles rather sadly, "we help but worry always for those we love."

Erryk heart pinches at the solemn exchange of the two sisters. He is glad to know that at least one more person in your family loved you with gentleness. He makes mental note to encourage you to write to your brother.

When Alicent leaves, you take a breath before knocking on the Hand's door.

"Enter."

You walk in and find your father busy at his desk.

"Father."

Otto looks up at you, immediately coming to stand, "what's wrong?"

You close the door behind him, catching Erryk's encouraging gaze. He nods before you shut the door. You turn to you father, finding he was already walking towards you.

He takes your hand, inspecting you. He speaks your name carefully, and it softens your frigid demeanor, "what has happened?"

You smile sadly, "I cannot sleep."

He sighs, partially relieved it is nothing so severe. He walks towards the door, "I will have one of the maids send you warm milk and honey."

"There is something I must tell you," you say, making him stop.

He turns back you, antsy over your serious tone, "if it is regarding Daemon. Do not worry. I have designs to keep him on a leash."

You release his hand and turn to your feet.

His expression hardens. He knows whatever you have to say is grave because you can no longer look at him. He steps forward and takes your cheeks, "daughter."

You look up at him, face stained with tears.

"Go to bed," he wipes your cheeks, "you'll muster the nerve to tell your husband the news soon en-"

"He does not finish inside me, father."

"..."

"I've-" you choke on your breath, "I've spoken about it to the maesters and he's explained it is possible for the seed to take root from premature ejaculation but-"

"Have you strayed?" Otto tightens his hold a fraction.

You are aghast by his statement and rapidly shake your head, "father, I wou-"

"Then there is nothing to fear," he cuts you off, brows tensing, "your child will be born with silver hair and violet eyes, and-"

"Only I inherited your hair color," you mumble, beginning to tremble, "if my child looks too much like me—" you rapidly shake your head, "he will-"

"Enough," he snaps, shaking you slightly.

You chest begins to tighten.

Otto notices and brushes your hair out of your face. He recites the common prayer you used to pray with your mother, "Seven, hear me. Father, strengthen me. Mother, protect me. Warrior, d—"

"Defend me," you sigh, joining in, "Smith, mend me."

"Mend my daughter," Otto mumbles softly.

"Maiden, beautify me," you say together, "Crone, enlighten me. Stranger, guide me."

Otto nods and strokes your hair, "now breathe."

It takes a few deep breaths, but you are calm now. He leads you to the door and opens it. "Oh, good," he says, once spotting your ward, "you're not entirely useless."

Erryk walks over to you, ignoring your father completely as he takes you by the arm.

"Take her to bed and have some warm milk and honey served to her."

"Yes, my lord," he says, though not sparing the lord a glance.

You, however, do, looking back with a soft smile, "good night, father."

He is about to reply, but then comes a servant boy, holding a plate of crackers and cheese, who freezes at the sight of the crowded entry. He thinks he's made a mistake, so he turns to leave, but Otto raises a hand and beckons the boy over, "come."

The boy walks past you, mumble a soft, "milady."

You smile and nod, "good evening."

Erryk eyes him suspiciously as he enters the room but refocuses on walking you back.

Otto closes the door and the boy places the crackers on the table. The man circles 'round to his desk and sits down, "what news do you bring me today?"

"Prince Daemon at the brothel, milord," the boy says, rolling back and forth on his heels.

The Lord Hand's face twists in contempt. He pulls his desk open and procures a cold coin.

The boy gleefully takes it and begins to explain the events that take place.

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growling · 1 year ago

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*average self-proclaimed safe space tumblr blog voice* I soooooo support people with schizophrenia that must be so hard to you anyway I just saw some weird looking woman talking to herself right outside my house im fearing for my life should I call the cops. Yeah dude I support all the adhd havers in the chat just try to pay attention when I talk to you it's not that hard it's like the least you could do to show some regard for the other human being in front of you. Like it's fine to have memory problems but why did you forget this one thing in particular that was important to me do you like not care or anything you should try harder. I am one of the only real mental health advocates to still exist in this world I hear your struggles that being said I hope I never get to meet one of those irl sociopaths or people with aspd whatever they call them now they're so freaky and they can blend into society so well you might never know if you're actually face to face with an actual socio i mean person with aspd in the store absolutely one of my biggest fears what if they torture me in their basement. I absolutely empathize with all the people in here suffering from delusions as long as they like, don't actually show it or have one concerning me that'd be highkey uncomfy leave me out of this dude im not talking to you until you get help, anyway my fav character from my anime just presumably died but i still think they actually survived im sooo delulu lol. We should push for more wheelchair accessibility in our cities I agree but like it's so difficult to tell how many people are actually disabled and who are actually faking it, like, ummm why did that "wheelchair" "user" guy stand up just now cover blown lmaoo…. Yeah I support people with facial differences but I still have a right to be disgusted you can't control my emotions anyway can you tag your selfies as #body horror this deeply triggering to me. Speaking of triggering can you also pleaseee hide your scars or at least warn us beforehand jesus do you know how many people genuinely do not want to see it. Here is my extremely fast strobing lights and flashing gifset #epilepsy. Yeah I loveee girls with bpd beautiful princess disorder am i right they're so interesting the stigma sucksssss i'd love to get to be one's favourite person as long as they don't actually have any of those weird or violent symptoms or don't go into any of their "episodes" near me like that's a bit dramatic….. I deeply feel for those who had underwent narcissistic abuse from the hands of an npd I think my shitty ex boyfriend was a narcissist too tbh #surviving narcissism here are 10 signs you are dealing with a narcissist and here's a tutorial on how to trigger a narc crash to epically own them anyway does anyone else think we should start enforcing mandatory castration of all the newly diagnosed narcs like you know what happens when they reproduce right. But I am willing to support them as long as they go to therapy to get that fixed it's just you know. Anyway sometimes hospitalisation is fine if they're genuinely a danger to themselves like what do you want them to go live on the streets or actually get help?? I support all the people dealing with being a professionally diagnosed disordered system and I think it's sooooo terrible how literally 99% of the youth population nowadays is purposefully faking it for attention I did my research (1 minute google search, 2 minute r/fakedisordercringe scrolling session and consulting a single system that agrees with me). It's just not believable to me that there's really that many people with it isn't it supposed to be rare… Also are we really sure all those alleged people in their heads are really real or just their imagination maybe all of them are actually faking it huh food for thought. I am very uncomfortable with nonverbal high support needs ppl actually having sex like consent is supposed to be explicitly verbal only and, are we really sure they can even consent arent they like basically children. You can't call me ableist I'm literally autistic

#mine #actually autistic #actually npd #actually plural #ableism #sanism #npd stigma #bpd stigma #pluralmisia #<- gonna add on to these later i am. bad at tagging warnings #i needed this off my chest like. can these people stop #dont know how comprehensible this is im bad at articulating myself #long post

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doberbutts · 2 years ago

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I was typing a big long thing about the changes I've experienced in a year on testosterone and how it's affected me and all that and then tumblr ate it and I really don't feel like retyping that whole thing but I am kinda salty about it so tldr:

Starting testosterone has been the best thing for my health that I've done. Ever. Better than getting a service dog. Better than restructuring my life to cater to my disabilities. Better than any procedure or medication or otherwise that I've tried. Simply rubbing a pack of gel on my arm once a day has done more for me than anything else.

When I went to my endo to start T, I went with a suspicion that I am intersex. She confirmed it via blood test and told me that with my variation I could try two different things: estrogen to control my high levels of natural androgens, or testosterone to lower my estrogen further and make it stop arguing with my androgens about whether I'm supposed to be a boy or a girl, as it's that argument that was causing a significant portion of my health problems. Estrogen has been tried in the past and only made things worse. She told me it was my choice, and only I could choose my path forward, as I knew my body the best.

When TERFs have a fit about gender affirming care, they usually leave out people like me, or they brush my story aside by saying that I'm just an anomaly, or they claim for me and my demographic that we don't want to be part of this discussion. But I don't fit their definition of a woman- I have a testicle, and my natural testosterone was within normal range on the low end for a cisgender, perisex man, and enough male sexual partners have commented on what's in my pants to tell me that it's far from the picturesque womanly pussy, especially considering I can- and have- use it to penetrate with the help of devices designed for cis men who are a little lacking in length.

When TERFs have a fit about gender affirming care, they scaremonger about side effects and changes. But, I was already hairy. I was already growing facial hair. I already had atrophied- and by 30 to the point that it's not really possible to fix without significant medical intervention. I was already infertile. I already had an adam's apple and a deep voice. I already had belly fat and blood pressure problems. My menstrual cycle was already hellish and had interfered with my school and work schedules. A popped ovarian cyst sent me to the ER.

I'd tried no treatment. I'd tried estrogen-based solutions. These not only did not work but actively made things worse. I was fainting at school. I was calling out of work. I couldn't drive without my service dog. I couldn't go out and have fun with my friends. I spent days at a time laying in bed in too much pain to move.

TERFs say, gender affirming care turns you into a forever patient.

I already was one of those. I almost died when I was a baby strictly because of lack of access to care that accepts children who are born who are both and also neither from the womb, before anyone has a chance to develop a personality or understand the difference between a boy and a girl.

Testosterone has turned me into a "once every 3 months" patient instead of a "twice a month minimum" patient. I pay less than $15/month for my prescription and it's mailed to my house in three-month increments. Stopping my wildly irregular and incredibly painful menstrual cycle has increased my quality of life so much. My body doesn't ache for no reason anymore. I don't faint anymore. I can go out and do things and not be punished for it for days on end by fevers and chills and vertigo.

Don't let a handful of transphobic assholes scare you. If this is your way forward, then live your life to its fullest.

My only regret is that I didn't have the chance to do this sooner.

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copperbadge · 2 years ago

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I've been putting off asking this, because I didn't want to fuck with anyone's process, and I know it can be hard to talk about therapy or hard to do it if you've talked about it, but like...people who are in therapy and feel you're deriving benefit from it, what do you do in it? Not generic stuff like "work on my problems", specifically what do you say and do? What do they do? What is the benefit you feel you get?

The problem I'm having is that it feels like how Catholic friends have talked to me about going to confession as kids before they fully understood how it worked, making stuff up to confess because they hadn't done much to warrant confession. I keep trying to come up with things therapy could help with, stuff to bring to the meetings, and not finding much. My therapist is fine, it's not that she's unhelpful; she does the stuff a therapist is supposed to do, like validating or active listening, but I don't really need validation and I don't feel any benefit from just talking about stuff. I think my access to catharsis is very narrow if it's present at all.

I tried bringing therapy types of problems to her, interpersonal stuff, but most of those I don't really have a say in solving, and the ones that I can influence I generally have already worked on. It feels like roughly 99% of my problems could be solved with money (admittedly more money than I have or probably ever will) and the other 1% aren't...solvable. Like there isn't much a therapist can do about the AC being off for the next three weeks in my building.

But my only other experience of this is when I was a kid and didn't get a say in it, and that generally felt like an obscure form of punishment. And I know people do get something out of it! It's not me trying to take a passive aggressive swipe at therapy. I'm just perplexed as to what I'm meant to be doing to make it useful. I feel like I'm missing the point, but also like maybe I'm just not someone the point was meant for.

I'm not trying to call myself the picture of mental health or anything but like, you can't talk-therapy ADHD into submission, and the other issues aren't under my control. I tried floating the idea of improving my emotional regulation but I suspect this is as good as it gets, because there doesn't seem to be any kind of process or system for fixing that. I don't especially anticipate it or feel better or worse about things after, I just log off the call and get on with fixing dinner. It's a non event other than the copay and an hour spent on Zoom. Which I can spare, I don't mind the money or the time, it's just....why am I doing it?

So, what do you do? Because if I get answers about stuff I'm not doing then I can try that, and if I get answers about stuff I've tried, maybe this just isn't for me. Wouldn't be the first time and won't be the last that I'm not quite built for something that other people find valuable. Although admittedly usually it's a tv show or a video game and not mental health treatment.

#sam has adhd #not yet fired from therapy

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squid-socks · 2 months ago

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Apparently the only symptoms that matter are life threatening.

But the ones that bother me the most are so small; premature ageing, skin thinning, always being so dry, depression etc.

The stuff no doctor bothers to give two shits about. Or ones they inform me ‘can’t be the case’ bcs I’m on medication.

I need a plan of care! Or advice! Bcs it’s not easy to look twice my age in this time period. It’s not easy to look dry and scaly and tired and sad all the time. It doesn’t make me feel good to have some random person remind me how dry and scaly I look or how I look “40”. It’s not fair that disabled people have to be so much more mature. More accepting. More positive. More overcoming. When we all know able-bodied people would lose their mind and do anything they can to fix that same condition if they suffered from it 😑

We all know able bodied people’s mental health crashes when they don’t look conventionally attractive. Or fit today’s beauty requirement. WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO JUST MAGICALLY HAVE THE ANSWERS TO BEING OK??

Don’t get me wrong it’s not really a doctors problem (I guess). But there aren’t really resources online. I didn’t even know many of my permanent symptoms where from my condition. worse - doctors made me think they had nothing to do with my condition. So I thought it was all my fault!

I hate this. I hate the chronically ill experience. “Great life lessons” they said. “Learning to overcome” they said. “Wisdom beyond my years” they said. Fuck. them.

#chronic illness #spoonie #chronic fatigue #chronic pain #disabled #actually disabled #disabled community #autoimmine disease #spoonie life #spoonie problems

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tipsywench · 1 year ago

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lol this message my dr replied better be auto-generated and the real message will come afterwards. because they basically replied 'you can look at the after visit summary' and that was it and the after visit summary was written before my lab results came in so how the fuck is that supposed to help me?

I don't know if I'm the world's worst patient or what but I feel like I always make my problems worse

So 2 weeks ago my lab results pretty much show I'm anemic. Waited for the doctor to call or say I need a follow up or anything. Never got it. So I thought alright fuck it I'll just buy some iron supplements and b12 (bc google said those help) and fix this myself. Did that over the weekend and felt so fucking nauseous and sick so now I don't wanna touch any vitamin but I still feel anemic

so I finally decided to just message the doctor which I should've done like 2 weeks ago lol

#i am so frustrated #and i feel so shitty #i am googling anemia symptoms and i have them #tingling in my hands #fatigue #all that #i tried taking a regular vitamin and immediately felt sick #so wtf am I supposed to do hello anyone wanna give me guidance why am I googling how to fix my health problems

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lains-reality · 2 years ago

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q&a

a q and a of most of my asks

basics

where do i start?

what do ppl who follow ND have as a "goal"?

is it necessary to read the book?

could you simplify non-duality in a few sentences?

how do i observe ego?

how do i practice letting my thoughts and emotions pass throughout the day?

i feel like i keep going back to my human body-self-mind. how do i stop this?

how do i just apply?

do i have to quiet the mind?

how is life a dream and also self?

if we choose what to take real or not, is ego truly real?

how to stop battling the ego?

who's the one thinking? Who's the thinker?

thoughts that come up in the mind and thoughts that don't

how to not get involved with the ego?

realising Self instantly?

my thoughts won't stop?

other questions

i am still trying to understand the concept of space-time.

does continuity not exist?

does remembering the past make it current?

what is imagination?

is detachment important?

what is self inquiry?

why would consciousness express in this body? why does manifestation exist? why do we still suffer?

ego worries

how would one approach in the dualistic perspective of being rejected, the need for validation, not feeling chosen?

i have to give up?? but i have a life and responsibilities?

how do i deal with the worst time of my life? / i've put my life on hold (tw: health problems, sa, death)

my ego lives such a boring life

my ego, how to make it stop calling me delusional? i have anxiety

dissociation and nondualism

how do things happen?

even if thoughts aren't me, they still limit me (+ how to view everything as self?)

if i really can't understand non-duality is it better to just go back to loa?

for people who want to ask more 'practical' or 'ego' orientated questions about circumstances than spiritual

progress

how do I remove the urge of trying to let this click?

I don’t actually really know how to apply any ND knowledge

i get really confused why they say stop trying to realize that you are oneness

i'm trying so hard and nothing is happening!

it feels like i'm just forcing myself... / self inquiry

am i supposed to just keep observing this character till what? what should i do now?

i can't understand anything...

desires / choosing a different character

materialisation

"nothing is materialising!!"

what's the point of all this detachment if nothing seems to materialise?

how do we "choose a different character?"

is this not like loa?

using nondualism as a way to get something material?

If we are not gonna change the world through non-dualism then through what we can change it?

i need to manifest instantly please help

i don't understand what to do about desires

how do i fix a big problem?

what will take care of the problems?

what is the point of being God if there is no desiring?

sp question

void state question

i don’t understand how when i imagine something is already happening?

i have to do something i don't want to do...

changing the past

how to just choose what i want?

#lainsmasterlist #lainsreality #non dualism #nondualism

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the-wales-5 · 8 months ago

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"The end of the worst nightmare"

One of the chemotherapy appointments she had in late July 2024 was as tough as the first back in March, and Catherine left the hospital with heavy tears in her eyes.

“I can't take it anymore. I don't think I am strong enough” she said as tears were running down her face as she sat down in the car. William cupped her face in his hands as he whispered “Maybe it won't be necessary, Babykins. Until now it was working perfectly. You came a long way since March and you're stronger. I know it hurts you, physically and mentally and you're sick of treatment but it'll be fine. Trust me”.

She stared into his eyes for a moment and then said weakly “Take me home now”, then fell asleep with head turned away from him.

William remembered her first ever chemotherapy and how her words “I wonder if it will work” full of anxiety made him feel hopeless like never before. Back then Kate also fell asleep on the way home and her husband got tears, sick of hiding his emotions for weeks and scared to death of losing her.

Now, he thought of just one thing as he fixed her hair a little. “You will be alright, my wife”.

That simple sentence echoed in his mind throughout Kate's whole cancer journey, but this time it was way more intense until the end of that particular chemotherapy course.

By the end of August, her medical team was supposed to inform her if her chemotherapy worked properly and it was about to be either the happiest moment for The Princess of Wales and her family or just another one full of worry and fear. On the night before that appointment, neither Catherine nor her husband could sleep and she was shaking with fear at the slightest mention of that hospital visit, the most crucial one of all those since the beginning of health problems.

“I'll be right next to you” William whispered and squeezed her hand as they stepped into the building. Catherine didn't look at him, her emotions were so high that for a second she thought of running away from that place. William could read her thoughts and feel her anxiety. He tried to hide his own fear behind a supportive touch on her back and weak smile.

That day would either make him the happiest or throw him into darkness once again. The doctor's secretary led them to the office where the doctor and two other oncologists were waiting. Catherine had learned to trust these people almost as much as she trusted her husband. She felt like crying but finally asked that one difficult but important question “Do you have my results?"

"We've got everything, your royal highness. The tests after the operation we did in January, various blood tests throughout treatment and new results after your chemotherapy sessions ended” Dr Stevenson explained but William interrupted him impatiently "Just tell us about the results”

“The last results indicate that chemotherapy is not needed anymore “Dr Stevenson said "Our sessions achieved the maximum effect of destroying cancer cells that remained after the surgery. We found it so fast and consequently had the luck to be equally fast in treatment which achieved its aim to the fullest. I am pleased and happy to inform you that all these steps worked, and as of today you are cancer free, your highness. Your life can continue the way it did before surgery, diagnosis and chemotherapy. Of course, treatment is not completely over. We will keep in contact and prescribe medication that will help you stay in remission and let your body rest after chemotherapy treatment, but cancer cells are all gone” Dr Stevenson said and smiled a little.

“Is it real? Is it the truth? Tell me that I am not dreaming” Catherine whispered as she looked at her husband with eyes full of tears. Her doctor's words made it very clear to her that at least a part of all those frightening moments was slowly coming to an end.

“You are recovered” William whispered and caressed her cheek, he was crying happy tears at that moment too “You are not dreaming at all and we're starting a new phase of our lives, my wife” he said and looked at Dr Stevenson “Thank you. Thank you for helping her” he murmured through tears and smiled. It felt as if Catherine and him finally escaped from the worst nightmare of their lives. Her doctors left the room to give the couple a moment of privacy after revealing such positive news to them.

“You are healthy. You are fine and it's going to be completely alright from now on. I love you, Catherine. I love you so much” he whispered through tears as he hugged her as tight as possible and kissed her on forehead and lips.

“I can't believe it's over. No more aches, exhaustion, tears..” Catherine whispered and blinked a few times. She looked into William's eyes and then all of a sudden she pressed her lips on his. In that kiss, she again broke down into happy tears. Her husband cupped her face into his hands, kissed her cheeks and even her eyes too. Catherine smiled after a few seconds and said quietly “We need to tell the children”.

“Not yet. Let us have some time for ourselves first” William whispered and wiped her tears again before they both thanked the doctors and left the hospital hand in hand.

1 hour later. The car stopped in front of Adelaide cottage, William quickly left the car.

Wait for me” Catherine said but he let her know that she should stay inside. Quite confused, she blinked a couple of times but smiled too, thinking “I wonder what's happening”.

“We're ready to go” William said and drove away from Windsor five minutes later. His wife assumed that he was taking her on a date but when she said these words, he shook his head, Kate felt more and more intrigued.

Their car stopped by a little forest. It was a familiar spot for them as they often were going there with their children, yet this time it seemed to be special as were the circumstances. Catherine was walking a few steps behind her husband at one point and was often looking up at the sun. Finally, she stood by one of the trees and closed her eyes, breathing in fresh air. After a few seconds she felt William's hands on her waist. She smiled lovingly and then teased him “It's not a date, stop flirting”.

Instead of replying, he said “Close your eyes now”, Catherine raised her eyebrows but listened. Her husband walked over her and pulled out a small blue velvet box. Inside there was a small eternity ring, similar to what the princess already received from him back in 2013 and earlier in 2024 a few months into her treatment.

“Open your eyes now” he said and smiled as he noticed Catherine’s smile across her lips.

“What? Why? What's the reason?” she asked in a whisper, she was on the verge of happy tears. “I’ve been planning it for so long now. I bought it after Wimbledon. I wanted to give it to you back then but later I realised there need to be a special day” William smiled

“Is it today? You know the treatment isn't over. Where would you give it to me if today's results were negative?”

“We don't have to think about that” he whispered as slowly taking her hand into his “It'll be fine from now on. Only your ‘good’ days are ahead of us”.

Catherine trembled a little and sniffed. Her new ring was as difficult to put on her finger as her wedding band.

“It's a sign” William whispered again, looking into her eyes “It's our new life chapter, Catherine Elizabeth. It'll be..”

“No, stop” Catherine interrupted in a whisper too “I don't want to hear what it will look like. Let us take every day as it comes in that new chapter. No expectations, they ruin everything” she chuckled through tears and put her hands around her husband's neck.

“Nothing will be ruined anymore this time” William whispered too and tucked his wife's hair behind her ear. She nodded and their eyes locked for a few moments before Catherine pressed her lips on his. It was an unbelievably long kiss, simultaneously passionate and gentle.

Two birds were chirping while sitting on a tall tree above William and Catherine. After a second, they flew away somewhere together.

“Did you see that? They're probably starting their new chapter too” the princess whispered as she noticed the birds and lovingly smiled at William before putting her head on his shoulder. He kissed her on hair and breathed in her scent without saying a word.

It was completely unnecessary as they won against the worst nightmare of their lives.

***

♥︎~The End~♥︎

#royal fanfiction #2024 #the end of the worst nightmare #stories #kate x william #william and catherine #♡#prince of wales #princess of wales #text post #tags

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theresstillgrowinghere · 8 months ago

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Oh I am fucking angry.

Dr. Edwin Leap (yes, I will call you out by name because you published your bullshit online for the whole world to see), thank you for almost comedically illustrating why so many patients are afraid of doctors.

You do not ever get to think of your patients as other. They are your same flesh and blood; I don’t care how much you want to think of yourself as separate from those of us unwell. (I can tell how much disdain you hold for us just from this short article. We are failures, not good enough, not strong and morally pure like you are, hm?)

Healthcare can never, never, allow itself to other its patients. And yet, you publish an entire article calling sick people Homo infirmus and Homo fragilis? Your tone doesn’t come across very humorous, but even if it’s just supposed to be a silly little joke, explain to me why the fuck you think that would be okay.

Why the fuck would it be okay to say another person is not only not your same species but instead defined as other primarily by their illness?

And designated as such by you, a medical professional with direct influence on the lives and wellbeings of the very people you are dehumanizing?

Do you not see how terrifying that is? Do you not see why people would be afraid of you after just having read this piece?

And then you go on, boiling my blood:

“Homo fragilis, at least as a diagnostic category, begins earlier and earlier in life and often results not only in a tribe of people dependent on medications but also, ‘relying on the kindness of strangers.’ No, maybe better put, ‘demanding the kindness of strangers.’ These individuals require food, shelter, medication, affirmation, and often money from others because they cannot function in the wild. I’m not being mean; the causes are legion, from poor family structure to mental health challenges to social media.”

I cannot believe how many infuriating things you’ve said just in this paragraph alone, but I want to focus on the part that immediately washed me with deep shame. Unrightfully so. You have no right to make me feel ashamed, and yet, when you said “demanding” better captures my state of existence, it turned my stomach inside out.

Yes, I am disabled. I absolutely rely very heavily on other people. Yes, I require food, shelter, medication, affirmation, money. And so do you, christ. You aren’t better than us just because we need support from our communities. Getting support from those around us isn’t a crime, isn’t a wrongdoing, isn’t a moral failure.

You know what it is? Human.

Whether or not Margaret Mead actually said that a healed femur in recovered ancient remains was the earliest sign of civilization (we’re going to save the charged nature of this term for another time and for now just use it as a placeholder for consistent, steady, lasting community), there is a reason why people latch onto this story. There is a reason why it warms people’s hearts:

So many of us want to care* for people. So many of us want to have people care for us. So many people feel closer to others, to ourselves, to our own humanity when offering others care.

(*I am including all the vastly different ways we can show others care, love, support, respect, protection, encouragement, etc.)

And perhaps the most upsetting part is how close you are to understanding the problem while getting the most key pieces so, so wrong. You’re right, our current healthcare system cannot handle the amount of support patients need right now. But please, I beg you, could you consider for just one second that it is not the fault of the patients? Could you please not strip me of my humanity just because I need help to survive?

Fix the system. You’re right, there is a massive problem. But it’s not us. Next time you’re considering your “long-dormant zoology degree,” think twice and reflect a bit before publishing bullshit like this. Think about what it means to take care of those around you. Think about your own humanity.

#chronic illness #chronically ill #disability #vent post #so pissed off #also sir you are being mean hate to break it to you #anyway lots of love my fellow chronically ill and disabled people

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my-castles-crumbling · 19 days ago

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Anon Advice Asks - April 27

translation anon (new), bucket anon (new), therapist anon, Chesh anon (new), red anon

translation anon

Casss I need help like- I actually don't, but um, you know, so I did something really really bad and I didn't realize and then it's solved but I feel like I suck Still.

I am asian so English is not my mother tongue and, I sometimes speak English sometimes my native. And um, I am dating a black person. And of course I am not racist or anything, she is stunning I love her. I would worship the ground she walked on.

But I accidentally said a slur in English while on the phone. So I was talking to a coworker and he learned I was dating someone who is not American as well and he asked me where do we come from etc, but he was sweet nothing offensive. So I told him, but I mixed it.

My language doesn't have the n word, like- it has yes but it's not used as a slur, it's the literal translation of black so we don't have a word for the slur, thankfully. But, like. I forget English had an offensive word? I used the word Because it's a word and I totally forget it was not the name of the colour? Like.

I felt so bad after my coworker corrected me, and like obviously I apologized to her, made things for her to make myself forgiven (teddy bears and cuddles!!! I sewed the teddy bear)

Anyway she said she understands and it's not a big deal tho. She jokes around with her friends but I know she had been bullied for it before too so I don't know if I am a bad person like. I know there isn't a problem, it was a misunderstanding and I apologized she said there is nothing to forgive but like something in me says I fucked up and I am a bad person for this, am I racist? I don't know like I know I am not but I have thoughts about it and I despise myself for it

Hi!

Okay so, I need to be clear that like...I am white. So I'm not sure how qualified I am to give my opinion on this. I can tell you what I think, but I can't exactly make the final call on if something is racist when I'm not part of a race that's subjected to racism.

But I think like...when people make mistakes like this, the thing to do is to take the mistake and use it as a jumping point to become more educated. If you were to be like 'well I didn't know any better so fuck you for being insulted' then that would be shit of you, because you're using your lack of knowledge as an excuse. But instead, you worked to fix it. Now, maybe you could try to learn more about slurs in English, or the background behind the slur, that way you can avoid this in the future. Everyone has a lack of knowledge in something. But the people who acknowledge their lack of knowledge and continually try to learn, I feel, aren't bad people at all.

But yeah, that's just my opinion...again, I have a LOT of priviledge when looking at this issue.

___

bucket anon

hi- this is stupid, just so you know.

i have an eng lit a level mock tomorrow morning and my parents accidentally scheduled some construction at my house for today, the day before my mock 😭 it was supposed to be may but it got pushed forward. so I spent the day with my best friend, I arrived at her house at 8:30am and we revised and hung out until 6pm and it was great. We literally never argue.

Except, there’s that stupid ice bucket challenge going around and I made a point to literally block alll my friends who were getting tagged in it on insta in front of her because I did not want to be tagged/peer pressure into doing this. Not only do I think it’s insensitive to people with ALS since the challenge was originally for them and now has been rebranded for mental health??? And seems attention seeking now- but I don’t post on my social media. Ever. The only post ive ever made was for my best friends birthday THIS month becuase I knew it meant a lot to her. And fundamentally I don’t have to do it but I didn’t want to have all my friends tag me in this thing when I don’t want my face on my social media. One of my friends who I blocked tagged me on my account which I use for ART, that’s a portfolio, and I don’t fucking know why she thought it was OKAY to tag me on that, but I just blocked her on that and ignored it. I get it’s funny or whatever but I genuinely don’t like most social media and only have it cause my friends wanted me to have it. (and btw I was gonna unblock them in a few days when the challenge is over- and it’s only on insta that I blocked them).

Anyway i made my best friend promise not to tag me in her ice bucket challenge in exchange for me not blocking her so she could send me reels. And wtf did she do but TAG ME? I know she thinks it’s funny and i’m probably overreacting but i genuinely hate this chain mail shit and i thought i made that really obvious to her literally allll day today. I’m scared off my mind about my exam tomorrow and i saw she tagged me in this stupid challenge and i literally- it was the last straw I burst into tears.

Also- she promised. promises actually mean something to me and I thought she understood me??? and understood that. but I guess not.

im not really that mad. i just messaged her “good luck sending me reels now” and blocked both her insta accounts.

she can still message me on everything else, she prob doesn’t even realise im mad. idk if I should tell her. This is a tough time for me, im scared about exams and it’s just been a year since my grandad died out of no where and my mean aunt is coming up to scatter his ashes next week during the rest of my mocks and so yes I do think im being over sensitive about this but I really just cannot deal with another stupid thing and I thought my best friend understood that when she promised not to tag me but I guess not 😭

Hi!

I don't think this is stupid at all! Because the thing is, maybe the actual issue- the ice bucket challenge- is a small thing, compared to the other things you're dealing with. But the fact that you set a boundary and explicitly told your best friend about your boundary and she ignored you is a bigger issue. It's frustrating and I can see why this feels like a betrayal. It's disrespectful for ANY boundary to be broken by someone you trust, but especially during an overwhelming time with so much going on, it can be super upsetting. Your emotions are definitely valid.

If you explain it to her like that- that she broke a boundary and you're upset- would she listen and take you seriously?

I hope your exam went well <3

therapist anon

Hey cas therapist anon here

Basically my birthdays coming up and my cousin (same on as before) is a couple days after me

So we're discussing birthday presents and I mentioned that my dad asked for my wish list and I joked if I should add the dior stick foundation

She then said 'oh ask him to buy me the rare beauty bronzer cos I'm the best neice'

So I said no cos wtf? I also said that her dad doesn't buy me stuff so why should my dad buy her stuff right? Her parents believe in individuality so she buys most stuff whereas my parents will buy me things they don't mind spending money on (such as pads, bras, knickers etc) cos those are necessities do u know what I mean?

She said she feels bad when her dad spens money on her but, ans I quote, 'but not when you do'

I just...didn't really know what to say to that cos she probably meant it as a joke but I just had to pause, blink and go what the fuck?

Should I tell her that these jokes aren't funny cos they're just weird cos obviously I'm.not gonna ask my dad to buy her stuff just cos her parents don't belive in that. And if I do tell her, how would I word it?

Thanks so much for listening lots of love ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hi!

This isn't the first time she's tried to get things/money from you, right? Honestly, it sounds like that's her goal, here. If it were me, I'd do one of two things. If I wanted to be healthy and mature, I'd say something like, 'Asking him that would make me uncomfortable, but you're welcome to ask him yourself!' in a polite voice. That way you're not shutting her down completely, but you're putting the ownership on her.

If I wanted to be petty, I'd wait until I was in a room with both her and your dad and be like "Oh dad, cousin wants you to buy x for her, isn't that funny?" and watch her squirm.

But I'm not advocating for pettiness....

Sending love!

Chesh anon - TW ED

Hi hon! I want to let you know I'm here for you and my inbox is open anytime <3 I know this seem scary and you feel alone, but you aren't.

Do you have a teacher or guidance counselor or family friend you can talk to? Any adult that might be able to help?

If you live in the US, this hotline might be helpful. If not, and you feel comfortable, lmk what country you're in and I'll find a hotline for you <3

Sending so much love!

___

Red anon

Hi! I read your poem! OMG, the last line... "I love her like the moon loves the earth— not expecting to land, just grateful to glow in her light." Fuck, that hit me hard, that's SO beautiful, and ouch, so heartbreaking. You're very talented.

#asks #ask #ask cas #translation anon #bucket anon #therapist anon #Chesh anon #red anon

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themousefromfantasyland · 22 days ago

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Why Vulnerable People Are the Church’s Favorite Targets

Easter came and went, and as always, this is a time when I remember where I came from and who I am now.

For those who don’t know, I was raised in an Evangelical family and used to be very devout. And this year, thanks to the rise of Conservatism we’re living through, I keep seeing more and more content from born-again Christians—and these terrify me profoundly. Why? Because I know for sure these are desperate and broken people being taken advantage of by an institution that will exploit their pain and use them for its own goals.

First, yes, I am an atheist—but even as an atheist, I have no problem with people finding faith and purpose in life. If that makes life meaningful for you and it doesn’t hurt others, it’s not my concern. However, contrary to what society preaches to us, the Christian world has its own fair share of problems and dangers. Unless you grew up in the church, you are completely defenseless against them.

So this is just a quick PSA for vulnerable and marginalized people—LGBTQ people, poor people, people with mental health issues—the types of people the church targets the most.

Being Approached by the Church

The first thing you need to know is that the church is not outright malicious, but it is ruthless and cruel. You can’t ever fully trust them—never. They don’t operate by the same morals as you and me. Their goal is to convert as many people to Jesus Christ as possible, by any means necessary. At heart, they believe they are doing good—and that’s the danger.

For them, anything is justifiable if it's done in God’s name. They will outright lie, deceive, and trick you. They target people who are the most desperate or not in their right mind because it's easier to manipulate and literally brainwash them.

When it comes to Christians, never let your guard down. Always ask questions. Never fully accept their kindness and love at face value. There’s a reason why churches and cults often use the same recruitment tactics.

The Church's Promises

The second thing is to be careful with their promises. Becoming a Christian will not solve all your problems. As someone from a Christian family, I know from experience how much they hide their mental anguish and trauma while pretending everything is okay. Becoming a Christian is not a path to perfect happiness.

It’s all about denial—and hoping that God will eventually fix everything. If something goes wrong, you ignore it and move on; if something goes right, you thank God. That way, God is always protecting you, because he’s never held responsible for anything that goes wrong.

From my experience, what they call God is just their intuition and common sense, externalized and otherized so much that it becomes almost like a second personality in the back of their minds. It’s no different than an imaginary friend they created because they feel really alone most of the time.

Also, they always move the goalposts. When you’re outside the church, they act like you can only be truly happy if you join them. Once you’re in the church, they act like you have to endure immense suffering to prove your love for God—and only then can you find happiness. It’s a form of manipulation they don’t even realize they’re doing.

Being Part of the Church

Third: once you become a Christian, you die. Or rather, the old version of you dies. That’s how the ritual of baptism is meant to work. What they want is for you to kill your old identity, become exactly like them, and obey their every command—adopting all their values. You are not supposed to ask questions or deviate from what’s established. You no longer have your own identity. Remember: you kill it during baptism.

Some pastors act as if they own you. In some denominations, the pastor will even threaten you using God's authority:

“Saying, Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm.” —Psalm 105:15

Many pastors use this verse—and others like it—to say that if you dare to criticize them, God will punish you.

And it’s not just the pastor—it’s the other church members too. They will ostracize you and openly criticize you if you deviate too much. Some will backstab you if it means climbing the church hierarchy.

The Church's Politics

Fourth: It’s never just about the Bible. They don’t just want you to agree with them religiously—they want you to agree politically as well. I praise progressive churches because they fight an uphill battle. Christianity at its core is a deeply conservative religion.

They don’t just brainwash the desperate and needy into believing their dogma—they indoctrinate them into their politics, too.

You have to believe that trans people don’t deserve legal protection, or else you’re offending God. You have to vote for Donald Trump, or else you’re letting Satan win. You have to allow Israel to kill as many Palestinian children as possible, or else we’ll lose our Bibleland.

It’s not about “hating the sin, loving the sinner” with these people. It’s about using the government to prevent people from choosing sin, and brutally punishing those who already have.

No matter how much they preach “Free Will,” they don’t want you to have the freedom to do anything that might upset them.

And if you are a Christian reading this, I’m sorry. These are just my observations from being raised as a Christian and still living in a Christian family.

I don’t want anyone to abandon their faith in God. I just want people to ask questions. Do these people really speak in the name of God? Does God really want this from me?

Believe me, I know for a fact that if God is real, then he must want smart, decent people to spread his word—not useful idiots who are easily manipulated by any false prophet that appears.

@thealmightyemprex @ariel-seagull-wings @the-blue-fairie @mask131 @princesssarisa @tamisdava2 @theancientvaleofsoulmaking @storytellergirl

#christianity #christian faith #christian #politics #religious trauma #religious fundamentalism

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peachymilkandcream · 3 months ago

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For The Glory Of Humanity|Part 11|Erwin x Reader

WARNINGS: noncon, dubcon, forced/arranged marriage, misogyny, domestic violence, yandere themes/behaviours, violence, Erwin being a (g)rape apologist, power imbalance, age difference, verbal/emotional abuse, murder, sexual coercion, blackmail, etc.

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Whether it was an acknowledgement of his own shortcomings or if it was simply annoyance at seeing her unhappy face Erwin decided to address her sudden decline in mental health. She wasn't as lively as she could be, and less spirited and interested in bed, she had gone from a frightened fawn to an unfeeling stiff board. Something that wasn't very attractive.

"What's the matter with you?" He had asked suddenly over dinner when she refused to eat.

"I'm sorry?"

Erwin sighs. "Now I know what misery Levi went through- I give you everything, a house, money, anything you could want and you seem to be miserable."

She flushes. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't realize-"

"Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Are you miserable?"

She hesitated. "Well that's hard to say-"

"It's a simple yes or no question."

"I must admit that I get a little bored here all by myself, you're so busy. And I feel...isolated. All of my friends have gone on to ignore me and I have no one to keep me company."

"So you are unhappy."

She sighs. "Yes, Erwin."

A silence passes between them.

"Right then. It seems that I have another one of your problems to fix."

"Oh please don't trouble yourself, I'll be fine. I just need to adjust to this new life. That's all."

"Enough. That's a lie and you know it. I'll sort everything out."

She tried to protest again but it seemed like he wouldn't listen, brushing past her and continuing on his way. It felt like that would become a common theme with them in the future, him making decisions and her going along with them.

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"So there you have my situation Levi." Erwin sat across from him, hating that he needed to come to Levi of all people for advice.

Levi tapped his cigarette on the edge of an ash tray, since his brief argument with his wife which resulted in her near escape he'd taken up the habit for his nerves. "Nothing to worry about Erwin. I've seen it before. She's going through the stages of grief right now. Denial and acceptance are my personal favorites. Not believing anything's wrong to accepting this is how life must be. The stages don't always happen in order so she might be going through the depression phase." He smirks and lets out a chuckle. "Watch out for the anger stage."

"But what can I do about it? She's like a shell of when I met her."

"And it's just not any fun is it."

"That's not what I said."

"But it's what you meant." There was a pause while he brought the cigarette up to his lips. "Face it Erwin, we want our women to keep us entertained. That's all its ever been. A miserable wife isn't a fun one. No spontaneity in bed, no willing affection, hell, no fighting either. It's boring is it not? You and I are the same, we want that fire."

"Yes I suppose you're right."

"It's no secret we hate each other. But we compromise and work together. You helped me with getting my marriage on the right track, let me help you."

"What do you propose?"

"Bring her to Evelyn's social groups."

Erwin raises a brow. "You're letting her go to those?"

He shrugs. "I think she's really learned her lesson. Now that she's recovered some with Isabel's birth I think it did good things for her stability. Besides, Hange goes and can keep an eye on her."

"Really? And it's done her good?"

"She knows she can't be aggressive with me, that's why she has ladies who she can put in her place. It gets that spark out of her so when she comes home she's sweet and docile again. If that's what it takes I can spare her for a few hours once a week."

"Hm. You make a good point. I'll think about it."

"Listen, Evelyn was in your bride's position before. That's a suitable friendship that will influence her to not be a brat. And it's one we can monitor closely. My wife tells me everything, so if she sees her slipping into that angry and rebellious phase, you'll be the first to know."

Erwin smiles. "Thank you Levi, I think I'll take you up on your offer."

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"Erwin I don't know if I want to do this-" She protested while in the carriage.

"You're going to enjoy yourself and make friends. You said you felt isolated did you not? I said I'd take care of it and I have. So be grateful. Besides, Mrs. Ackerman will be there, didn't you want to become friends with her? She'd be a great companion for you."

"That's the thing, everyone I know has said she's changed. Become, aggressive- what if she doesn't like me?"

"She will. You'll be fine. Now get in there."

Mrs. Smith exited the carriage, taking in the house where these groups were hosted. Apparently each of the military wives took turns. It was like walking into a lions den, if not for Erwin's hand on her back pushing her forward then she wouldn't have gone at all. But his presence offered some consolation. That she had a little support from someone she knew.

As they entered she took in the grand but not too grand interior, thankfully for her, this week they weren't meeting at the Ackerman manor. She didn't know if she could handle Mrs. Ackerman in her home environment. Tongue lick a viper they said, cut a man, woman, and child down to bits in an instant. Just like her husband.

A chill went through her as Erwin marched her up to the very woman in her thoughts. Her dress a deep burgundy with makeup to match, hair done in pin curls and jewelry glinting as she moved. The rock of an engagement and wedding ring on her finger making Mrs. Smiths small in comparison.

"Evelyn." Erwin addressed her, making her turn and tilt her head slightly, a barely concealed fake smile on her face.

"Commander Erwin, a pleasure. And your wife Mrs. Smith."

"Yes. My wife is coming to join you ladies from here on out. I trust you'll all be welcoming, she's a little nervous."

Mrs. Smith was red with embarrassment. Did Erwin have to say that? Now Evelyn knew her weakness, and the way she looked at her was like she was ready for the kill.

"Why of course. The more the merrier."

Mrs. Smith wondered if she'd come out of this social gathering alive.

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