#first world problems but I am sad
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Two days left of vacation and I come down with a fever for the weekend 😭
#I get twoweeks vacation a year and they only times I get a Friday Saturday or Sunday#unless I am temporarily working someone else's schedule#first world problems but I am sad
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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u kno when ppl have those rlly silly long fandom-specific dnis in their carrds that are like 'dni if u think scrunglus is not glorpo. and if u think scrunglus is squeegee tbh u should die.' im getting close to that point with torchwood i cannot lie.
#😭#ive been sitting on a drafted intro post for weeks cuz im like#i wish to curate my fandom experience. and i wish to gently weed out ppl whose opinions are gonna make my life worse#but also. even tho i am the biggest hater i do not wish to immediately associate myself w being a negative nancy yanno#fdhskfds like its such bad vibes when i open someone's blog n theyre like dni if u have any opinion that differs from mine. like ew#BUT ALSO. SOMETIMES THE SPIN GETS SO BAD U END UP THERE 😭 its just a matter of not being an asshole about it#i dont wanna be an asshole!! but i do not want to see scrunglus is squeegee takes!! do u see my problem#this is so first world tumblr nonsense im a full adult. this is sad#this is the final stage of autism it's terminal. im in the icu. torchwood institute pay my hospital bills.#ugh#txt#sss
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crazy how i’m not attached to any country like i don’t see myself as being from the country i was born in or the country i’m living in because my country of ethnic background is the one i feel closest to but i can’t say that i’m from there without being reminded that that country doesn’t consider me theirs and neither do most of the people living and from there
#this is actually such a non-problem but alas. here we are#first world problems tbh#this used to make me so sad and still does if i think about it too long but i am muslim before anything else so i’ll always have that ia#m
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it 😭😭😭#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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one thing i just do not fucking get is the difference between "regulating emotions" and "suppressing emotions" i cannot get my head around how those are different. like if im sad and then i go "well im not going to be sad anymore" that's "dissociating" and "suppressing healthy emotions" but if im sad and im like "well im going to cry until i actually pass out" that's "not healthy" and it's BAD to suppress emotions but it's ALSO BAD to get super upset so WHAT IS THE SECRET THIRD THING cuz i do not fucking get it. "feel your feelings But not that way that's not healthy feel your feelings but less than that" ???????
#text#IT'S DRIVING ME UP A WALL IVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR MOTNHS#LIKE????? is it like. like is this a me problem is this just me having feelings that are too big#like do other people just.. like for other people does 'feel your feelings' just mean like. feel sad for a while and then stop. cuz i cant#do that i dont get normal sad i get chest pain and think about killing my self for hours on end .is that the problem#like okay if i trip down the stairs and break my leg. im going to cry and go to the hospital. suppressing that would be just using my#broken leg anyway and ignoring it. would regulating it not also be Crying and going to the hospital. would regulating it be like.. putting#a bandaid on it or something is it like.. a middle ground . i do not fucking get it#like okay if i trip down the stairs and i scrape my knee and then i call an ambulance i see how thats not the right response . and i guess#regulating there would be like. calming down thinking things thru and choosing a less drastic solution like a bandaid. i get it#in that situation. but if ive ACTUALLY BROKEN MY LEG. then that would just be the first thing again essentially#but when i put that back into. real world not metaphor world. like. i dont get it again#because if theres not like. an obvious reason for however i feel how am i supposed to judge if im calling an ambulance for a scraped knee#ALSO I THOUGHT THERE 'ARENT ANY WRONG EMOTIONS' WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT -_-#okay no okay it's like. if i trip down the stairs and i skin my knee i dont have to call an ambulance. but if several times a day i fall d#down the stairs and skin my knee in that exact spot and now i can see bone. SHOULD I NOT CALL AN AMBULANCE?#cuz its not just one thing thats upsetting me most of the time it's a combination of a bunch of things and then like one extra upsetting#thing added on top of that. which would necessitate an ambulance. does this make sense#THIS IS GETTING ME NOWHERE IM STILL JUST AS CONFUSED AS I WAS BEFORE I STARTED TYPING. i need 2 remember 2 ask my therapist#what the fuck ''feel your feelings'' means and how it can coexist with ''regulating feelings'' or whatever cuz i feel like im missing smth#NIK OUT ! PEACE ! ✌️
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#the last few weeks have been wild symptom wise#first extreme problems falling asleep#then a few days with an opressive fatigue making me fall asleep after half a day#the stomache problems#and now just no hunger at all and feeling like my body and brain is rotting from the inside out#slowly turning to liquid and taking away my ability to function or enthusiasm for anything#you know what i'd like#a few days of just feeling good#like idk maybe a weekend of just feeling like myself#or maybe even just normal depression i can handle that just fine feeling a little sad and stuff is whatever to me#but dissociating and not feeling like I am in my body and brainfog and having no thought or feelings and no hunger or sense of taste#and when i put on music it makes me want to scratch my ears off thats hell please stop that#also yay to me for writing things out and the realising#“oh this isn't just feeling weird. you're going through it”#“if you hate yourself do this if you hate the world do that if you hate everyone... quick question#what should i do when i feel like i need someone to insert a straw into my brain and blow into it realy hard#and make it bubble up like soapy water?#i feel like that one john galm album thats basically just the coolest saddest guitar you've ever heard and him inaudibly screaming lyrics#my brain is in the state a crumbled up empty soda can on the sidewalk is in (meanwhile that should be my throat) :c#meow#i have one strand of thoughts and it's the equivalent of cat wailing#I CANT EVEN LISTEN TO MUSIC#I was like well maybe i should just listen to music.. until i remembered... the horrors#am not made for this#get the blow guns out lads and lasses#personaltext
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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do u guys kno. just how much i screwed myself over
#BECAUSE I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE NORMAL?????#listen. listen. i could have just. asked to take two weeks off when i first got the job. but i was scared they wouldn't give me the job#if i told them right off the bat#and so i waited a decent amount of time to tell them. and then i was going to tell them. but i got scared thinking that they might fire me#or it would reflect badly on me and i haven't had the job for even 3 months yet and i have a performance review at the end of the 3 months#and the thing i am scared of most in the world is when people who are in positions of authority over me express disapproval#so i was just like. ok i guess i'm not going on this trip that's been planned for over a year and for my grandmas 80th#i will just be so sad and miserable about it and make it everyone else's problem#and then. and then. finally. 2 weeks left until everyone leaves for the trip and i finally bring it up to my coworkers being like#oh yea my whole entire family is going on a big trip without me and i'm rlly sad that i can't go#and they looked at me like. why cant u go? and i was like. what do u mean? cuz i'm new i don't have rights#and they were like. what is wrong with u#and i looked at them and said literally everything#listennnn there is a corporate heirarchy and i am at the bottom of the ladder#i know my place and i'm so used to groveling and begging oh my god i need to get a grip pls#am i normal#please tell me cuz i can't tell is. it normal to be this scared and frightened all the time#like. am i the only one who thinks this way.
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i think I'm just emotional tonight, but as I was staring into the night, I was just struck by how big everything is.
I can't visit all of the places in the world, not truly, not to the extent I want to. Neither can I consume all of the information there is, it's impossible. I'm just struck by how beautifully unfathomable everything is.
And that's just on earth. To think that there's the possibly that there other inhabited worlds out there, with their own unfathomable cultures. And even if there isn't! Just everything.
There's so much to learn and see, that I can't even imagine or comprehend. I am so small and insignificant and yet everything is so beautiful.
#midnight ramblings#i just love the world so much#even with all the fuckery#we are so beautiful and so is everything#but as much as i want to picture this bright and beautiful future where we can comprehend more and continue to find things that we can't#i know we must first acknowledge and fight back against what atrocities happen currently#we have no future without first solving our problems today#we must look to the future but stay in the present and remember the past#i love everyone and everything and i hope we have a future even more beautiful than we can currently imagine#and I don't want to cloud the tag but Free Palestine Look Out for our Queer Russian ( and other ) Siblings who are being discriminated#and fucking vote#this is likely not making any sense because I am tired and sad currently
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hey.... hi....
#coming back to tumblr after one of my trademark hiatuses always feels like. the walk of shame out of ur bedroom when extended fam is over#'oh wow shes still alive !' and so on and so forth#BUT ANYWAY. HI. IM BACK. I MISSED U ALL#I TOOK A BREAK BC I WAS SAD BUT ALSO HOPEFUL ABT THE FUTURE AND WANTED TO GET MY LIFE SORTED#AND YEAH IT ACTUALLY KIND OF WORKED#my partner and i escaped the rent trap somehow against all odds and we bought our first house together 🥺#we're still exit cleaning the old house and unpacking everything but we're HERE and happy and im tired as hell but things are good#i also am 95% sure i got a job but that 5% of doubt is driving me insane. i have to go thru security clearances before i hear back#but yeah. if i get this job its like..... 90% of my problems disappear#so uh prayer circle for me ig !!!!#ANYWAY. IM HAPPY. THINGS ARE GOOD AND IM FEELING GOOD (LIKE ACTUALLY DEEPLY GOOD) FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS#EXCITED FOR THE FUTURE. STILL DEEPLY UNWELL ABT ROSY. ALL IS GOOD IN THE WORLD
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The men fandom will really lose their minds at the most milquetoast "I hate men teehee" type statement huh
#txt#its just really funny like#worlds first misandrist gay man. i guess#its not in like an internalized homophobia way the problem is everyone else. LOVE men in theory. in practice its. well#oh i really am a misogynist but for men though arent i. hate those people still want to have sex with them. sad!
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bro if i see one more fucker on instagram be like OMG SNOW! almost died selling cheese n soup in that cold fucking tragedy today. twas a madness i was moving like the fucking michelin man in me layers. the english are too weak for this bollocks we’re gonna be stockpiling loaves of bread in a minute.
#it’s just wank#lando norris should delete his story as i am taking it as a personal grievance#like grow up big man it’s water#i have a personal vendetta against snow#‘oh oh it’s colder here!’ shut up i’m middle eastern i wasn’t built for this shite#my feet were cold n soggy n my arse was soaked it’s just not ON#why do i feel like this will offend someone#first world problems i know but i’m allowed to be sad :(
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*screaming crying wailing nashing of teeth*
(El Pollo Loco forgot my tortillas)
#:(#much sadness#I am too far away to go back and ask for them on my limited lunch break#so I must be tortilla-less#they were dealing with a difficult customer when I picked up my order so they probably got overlooked in the shuffle#alas#first world problems lol
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#so today i broke down and fully cried over realizing the reality that i probably won't be able to go see Taylor on this tour#and i felt so stupid for it like crying over not getting to see a concert seems so trivial and i mean so many reasons but like#and like i don't cry much anymore like I've been through and am in so much pain and horrible stuff constantly and so much stress and trauma#but I've built up strength to not cry over those things like if i did I'd just be crying nonstop so i channel my emotions into trying to#solve the problems and like still I'm so unbelievably stressed but like also as an empath i feel everything really deeply but usually lately#the things that make me cry are more like sweet animal rescue videos acts of kindness touching stories or really deeply inspirational or#relatable things in books etc but so like I'm like mad at myself for crying over this but#i checked the stubhub like prices for what tix are going for and it's fucking over 500 a pop for nosebleeds i just#it's infuriating the scalping and how many hard core fans are unable to go bc of that but rich ppl who aren't really fans i just. 1000 bucks#for 300 level is just no I'm sorry that's not ever gonna happen and i just#i really thought I'd just find tickets over time closer to the event like that's how I've done several concerts but then i looked and saw#that and I'm like oh my god and that's before fees and then there's the gas to get there the repairs that need to be done to the car to get#there all the other fees involved and in realizing oh my god like I've been overconfident and now i don't see a way and I'm so sad and i#just broke down its i know iy seems stupid but first this feels like something that might not happen again anytime soon if ever the way the#world is going out could be last chance and rep tour was the first time I'd been able to see Taylor to begin with and the experience was SO#amazing it's like the one thing i looked forward to this year that lifted me up in really dark times and again i feel shitty when there's so#many fans who never get to see her international too i just. I'm sorry I'm just like this breaks my heart on levels and like#i hate how money dictates everything i hate that i went to eds last tour tickets in the same venue were 30 DOLLARS and even the Taylor ones#i think were like 75 and now it's so high bc only scalping it's so fucked up and like I'm already in a really bad hole money wise bc of#an emergency issue that happened and I've got some scary medical things going on waiting on tests and having trouble with rent and food and#gas so like i can't even try to be like. you know? like justify trying to save up that much even when i got all this#i just.
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the mentally ill anguish of not wanting to keep hurting people and being a judgmental asshole but also not wanting to turn into a robot and slowly destroy my health with meds
#mentally ill#meds#meds are important for a lot of things but I just really don't like the way it makes me feel#but then I feel like an asshole if people tell me to take meds so im not abusive#I wanted to prove I can do it myself#and I probably can once I get more land and good crops from good soil#magnesium deficiency is a huge cause for anxiety#hangry#I really just need vitamins and protein and minerals#but there's not a lot of that in modern food#I want to just hang in there until I reach that place#but how many more times am I gonna fuck up before then?#every time I have an issue it just becomes a bigger threat on my mind that I cannot improve myself and I really do just need to shut up and#medicate myself until I cant think anymore#although I have been improving#tbh today's problems were caused by lack of sleep and food#I really have been getting better at preventing issues but not really#im getting better at hiding discomfort#but I should work more on calming down in the moment#first world problems#boohoo me and my miserable little mind#I feel so ungrateful but I also know that's not what I mean#I am lucky to have a family that didn't split#it was still painful to see how little they got along#but the stability is definitely a privilege#im an entitled piece of shit#no but im still kinda sad
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