#even through shitty relationships
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i truly can't articulate just how much strong, supportive friendships have changed me from being a very un-chill, suspicious, angry, scared, mistrustful person to someone who is secure, calm, trustful, and very willing to take risks. i want to be that sort of presence in other people's lives too. and the best part about having healthy friendships is that i know that i am a good presence in my friends' lives.
#it's the way we all went from nervous anxious teens just emerging frm their parents' grasps#and absolutely blossomed in each others' company#even through shitty relationships#through abusive relationships#friendships have been so strong#i'm so glad we all matured well??? there's barely any petty drama#like there's drama for sure and bad blood that i have to skirt around#but even through that every party involved in the 842983 strains of drama wants there to be some sort of reconciliation#they want to communicate instead of running away#and i grew up knowing them as some extremely avoidant people!!#also i can say for sure that the drama isn't petty#and there is a great deal of understanding and willingness to bridge gaps frm everyone involved#like we're still nowhere close to any of this drama being resolved#bcs some of these fights have left deep wounds#but i see my friends trying
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ruminating on 'the vees died despondent nobodies' thoughts
velvette interrogates vox after she hears him give various conflicting and bombastic accounts on air. a selection of these include: blew his brains out on live television, administered the death penalty for killing his "bitch wife," a tragic accident involving two shetland ponies, dubiously legal iranian yogurts, and a whole lot of cocaine. the actual cause was shockingly ordinary- a heart attack in front of the television, alone, his corpse only recovered after two weeks passed. he was watching a game show and his last mortal regret was never even learning who won, because he died during the commercials.
#vox#velvette#haven't settled on what i think is a satisfying cause of death for velvette#running on 'a fight that escalated with her shitty then-boyfriend while trying to film something'#mostly bc i'm thinking of her recounting this to vox and telling him the thing she most regrets is that he was ugly as sin#and now his mugshot is permanently stapled to news of her death#but i'm not mega attached to this or anything#(the thing she ACTUALLY most regrets#is that the people she knew probably took more interest in how she died than who she was alive#that the most notable thing about her was something she didn't even do#and even the tragedy of her death to those who heard about it is in how bitterly commonplace it is)#wait this is actually thematically perfect. because in hell she's STILL in some ways defined by her proximity to two men#/yes/ her followers and fans are captivated by her separate from voxval. but she's inescapably regarded through the lens of the vees#both in the 'what's the niche velvette fills in the vees' sense but also through her relationships to val and vox#she's velvette. but she's never Just Velvette. she is always One Of The Vees#who she is to vox and valentino is what Velvette(tm) is#she can play every role to the public. their beleaguered 3rd wheel. their Sane Friend. partner (business). partner (romantic/sexual)#how do i fit that alongside:#'the people of hell like velvette because she's unfiltered. raw. authentic. mean girl who says what she wants w/o caring'#with a hammer and a lot of grit#i do think that's usually what she thinks of herself. at least consciously and these actually aren't mutually exclusive#you know how i said i'm not super attached to this backstory. whoops i have convinced myself of it!#if not the above specifics the 'the most remembered thing about velvette's life is how she died' angle#as it turns out this post is actually about velvette. i need to think about my evil babygirls Themes#i had something to say about vox and gameshows but thats enough footnotes for now i think
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wow... im rereading scott pilgrim and there are themes motifs + metapfors in this thing... also this guy is a Faggot!!!
#scollace#obviously!!!#also man how much of the fight scenes were even real#im probably wrong but the whole scene w kim explaining hes misremembered literally#everything. gets me thinking hes an unreliable narrator. and that maybe everything is like a videogame in this because#thats how he understands life?#and its actually just a story about a guy learning to be less shitty and having relationship troubles#through the lense of his stupid videogame obsessedness#and self obsessedness#idkk ill think on it some more
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2023 reads / storygraph
Something More
YA contemporary about a Palestinian-Canadian girl starting high school, navigating new crushes and accepting her recent autism diagnosis
#something more#jackie kalilieh#aroaessidhe 2023 reads#this is pretty good!#obv it’s not my kind of book but having an autistic MC made it a lot less frustrating than a similar book with an allistic MC would be imo#I thought it was a great representation of a low support needs autistic teen girl#and like. embracing her autism but also it's not the only thing the book is about#Was a bit exhausting the way she keeps going back to this guy even though he’s kinda shitty#though I guess it felt quite transparent that the narrative is partly about recognising unhealthy relationships & what mistakes you should#forgive and what are ongoing patterns. and most of the relationships are like different examples of that#so like that gave me a bit of a step back from all the drama and stuff that would have otherwise annoyed me too much#because it was obvious that that was the point of all that#I think it would have been good to have developed her relationship with her grandmother - 3/4 through something happens#and it has pretty much no emotional punch because I was like wait. she has a grandmother?#Maybe that would have made it too sad when it’s mostly a lighthearted romance but like. you could have made the thing more of just a scare
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Hate having adhd went to go work on my fallout modpack, got distracted while going to disable the steam overlay, ended up in the points shop, went to go edit my profile, decided to change my pfp, found a buried folder I forgot existed, found some old Veneer art I forgot existed, spent 45 minutes looking at all the old photos, STILL HAVE NOT TOGGLED ONE SIMPLE OPTION THAT SHOULD'VE TAKEN 30 SECONDS AT MOST
#I'm shocked I have these drawings scanned on my pc I don't remember doing that I must've done it before I left in case my mom threw all my#Art out again#Anyway at age 12 I was writing a better '3 merpeople go on land to find a 4th one that has been disguised as a human all his life' story#Than Ma/ko Merm/aids EVER did so uh. Take that Jonathan#God it sucks so bad that kid me would've LOVED MM if it just DIDN'T HAVE THE STUPID GENDER WAR BULLSHIT#Literally the entire first and second season is just. So fucking stupid. I wrote a God damn essay about how they fumbled Erik's story SO BAD#I don't even LIKE Erik BUT THEY DID HIM SO DIRTY#THE CHARACTER POTENTIAL AND WRITING COULD'VE BEEN BETTER THAN ZANE B. S1 OF H2O BUT THEY THREW IT AWAY AND FOR WHAT!!!!!!!#Seriously you're telling me a kid who was abandoned his entire life for being male didn't have a bigger impact on the pod than FUCKING ZAK?#That plot twist of 'oh actually Zak was a merman all along' was 100% so they could guilt free write Erik out#Instead of like. Having him face his actions or redeem himself in like. Any way. He just fucks off. THEN the pod is like lol Zac were sorry#We're sorry for literally not doing anything to you because you were privledged enough to have a mother who was super ultra powerful#So you were never really affected by our actions until JUST now. Unlike that other fuckface Erik who suffered his whole life alone#Also then in s3 there are STILL no mermen in the pod. Not even little mermen babies. No kids and teens they've welcomed back n apologized to#NOTHING#God. Mm pisses me off dude#AND I STILL HAVENT TOGGLED THAT FUCKING OPTIONS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#Cruddy rambles#God I'm not done I'm sorry fallout can wait YOU ARE TELLING ME THE GUY WHO TELLS US HOW SHITTY MERMAN BABIES R TREATED BY THE POD. IS NOT#THE SAME ONE THE POD APOLOGIZES TO IN THE SEASON FINALE BECAUSE THEY WROTE IN A SHITTY PLOT TWIST?#AUUUUUUUHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG#It's so bad. It's so fucking bad. It's so needlessly gendered and for what. They could've just had 2 rival warring pods#What pisses me off the most is that s3 (4) completely pivots and never really follows thru with the s1 and 2 story arcs#The writers just kinda wash thsir hands of that because 'hey the pod said sorry to zac' BUT THEN NOTHING ACTUALLY CHANGES!!!!#Maybe instead of having a constantly rotating cast of characters s3 (4) could've instead focused on Ondina and Erik's relationship a bit#Maybe have Ondina tell him she wants to just stay friends because she can't trust him. Have him IDK grow and change as a character?#Maybe so you can show kids nobody is born evil and we all need support systems and healthy relationships to grow and become better people??#THAT would've been a GOOD FOLLOW THROUGH#But no instead u just write him out of the show and never show any OTHER mermen who were exiled being welcomed back#Like u had Ondina becoming a teacher... Why not have Zac become a teacher for all the new mermen who were just recently welcomed back??
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There's a lot about discussion of hdwr that baffles me (not all discussion to be clear, because i do think there's a lot of good discussion about hdwr. But equally so are there the ones that make you wonder if you're reading the same story) and I think one that is especially annoying is the constant infantilization of miwa as this passive eternal victim. It drives me up a wall because this is quite literally an issue she's struggled with within the text of the story! She had an arc about how she dislikes how people treat her this way like towards the beginning of the story! And like even ignoring that, this story is about like nuanced and realistic portrayals of being in relationships and learning how to navigate them and so it's like what's the point if you're going to immediately reduce the characters to "the victim" and "the victimizers?" Is that even interesting? Is that a useful lens to look at interpersonal relationships?
#how do we relationship#hdwr#this is about the poll in the subreddit but i also saw similar comments (mostly about sae) on the website i was initially reading hdwr#i dunno like i'm like miwa fan numero uno so like i get ardently defending her but in my opinion#part of what makes these characters interesting is that all of them are extremely flawed in ways that can negatively feedback on each other#miwa has also done bad things to the other characters and been bad for them as well#i do think miwa repeatedly trying to turn being fwb with sae into a second chance despite sae clearly saying no#and repeatedly breaking sae's boundaries during that time was bad and shitty of her#i do think her avoiding tamaki and trying to supress her feelings despite that not being what tamaki asked for or wanted was bad andimmature#i do think that while miwa was under no obligation to say it to her i do think miwa's inability to tell sae that she loved her#even while asking to get back together was undeniably bad for sae as someone who had insecurities about being loved#personally these things are not unfortunate irredeemable aspects of her character#nor do they justify or excuse what happens to her#but instead characterize her as being inexperienced with romance and having strong feelings she isn't always able to completely express#or understand fully. this is an aspect of her character that is relateable and understandable to me#i find it hard to say that if i was in her position i wouldn't make the same mistakes as her#and like this is just one aspect of miwa's character. she of course has more than this which is why i am miwa fan numero uno but also#the same is true for like all of the main cast#they have depth and flaws that are relateable and realistic. even if you don't like a character's actions they're internally consistent#within not only the character themselves and the context of what they've been through but also the narrative itself i feel#which is why i like this story#so it feels unfortunate to flatten that all into who hurt who more or who is innocent and who is evil or whatever#like yes i obviously do think what sae did in like volume 5 was bad i also think what she did in vol 1-4 were also various shades of bad too#yes i do think what tamaki did in 103 was obviously bad#i mean ch. 119 and ch. 120 most likely are about exploring the consequences that has had on miwa#i just don't think it's useful interesting or even correct to look at those events as 'bad people doing bad things'#also while not related to miwa i think people who treat yuria and sae's relationship this way also baffle me i cannot understand it#channel 3
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incredibly moved whenever someone tells me that i'm an easy person to be around when they're going through some shit. there's nothing more sacred to me than sitting with someone through death and grief and loss, things that i can't fix or do anything about except be there and let them feel their feelings without having to pretend to be chipper or hopeful or cheeruppable. i can't pretend to feel what i don't feel, which makes me weird and awkward in so many interpersonal situations, but i think it's also what makes people feel comfortable sharing this stuff with me, because they know that i won't judge them and they don't have to perform for me. i feel so lucky when i can provide that for somebody. i wouldn't trade it for anything.
#i wish my friends didn't have to go through hard shitty stuff. but when they do - because we all do sometimes - i am so thankful that#they feel they can share it with me#it's amazing how much a difference it makes to just be there and be genuine and not burden them with expectations#of how they should be reacting to something. like i guess that's pretty rare#and i sort of stumbled into it by being incapable of faking emotion. so i couldn't be fake chipper even if i wanted to#idk i feel like my first reaction when someone says this is like. i didn't even do anything?#but sometimes that's what you need! i think people get so in their head about doing and saying the exact right thing#and somehow 'fixing' someone's pain#when what actually matters is just being there. even if you don't know what to say. even if there's nothing you can do#just being there and letting them be sad. so they don't have to also be alone while they're sad#i can't make my friends less sad & that's almost never my goal. they're sad bc sad shit is happening. they need to be allowed to feel it#which i think probably also stems from my own history of depression and suicidality and the ways that people have reacted to that#i'm sure trying to help me but in reality actually just making me feel like i couldn't talk to anyone about it#because everyone just needed me to be okay#but i wasn't okay. and being expected to pretend like i was so other people wouldn't have to worry was making it harder#and more isolating. so i guess i just never want anyone to feel like if they're in pain they have to be alone#grief#relationships#my posts
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Hi, I wrote my first evak fic in early 2023, before that I had been an avid reader for years. I know the fandom is a little quiet but there's this hardcore group of writers and readers that seem to have been around since the start and all know (of) each other. I don't know how to word this without sounding envious but it seems to me that group doesn't really read, comment on, give kudos or support new fics outside of their little circle. I want to believe it's a time issue but I have to say it comes across cliquey and a little hurtful. I really hope I am just being an insecure baby but I would be so happy if the established and popular writers would give me feedback and leave comments.
hiya! congratulations on writing and posting! i know it can be a big, scary jump from reading to writing and sharing, so applause for that in the first place.
i'm sorry your contributions to the fandom haven't been received the way you'd like them to be. if i'm included in this group of writers and readers, then, well my reasons for not reading/commenting/supporting are possibly going to be more hurtful than what you're already experiencing! i've whined about it years ago (first here, then here), and unfortunately it all still stands, because i have done absolutely zero work on bettering myself as a human being. i think i've read a handful of fics, mostly because they've been sent to me directly, with someone asking for my thoughts, and i managed to put in the effort to read it and offer a polite response. but there are also a bunch of fics that have been shared with me that i haven't read, even when i've said i would. i'm sorry if you have specifically done this with me in the past, because i have not treated your work, your creativity, with the respect it deserves.
i can't speak for anyone else, on how they choose to spend their time reading or writing, or the relationships they have with other fans. on the one active skam discord i'm in, i think a lot of them know each other from other fandoms, or have different relationships beyond writing/reading skam fic. also, as skam fades, people might only have the bandwidth for enjoying and supporting fanworks from established relationships, the same way you still want to support a favorite author even when you or they have changed genres or whatever.
but in reality i don't know the group where this is happening or why. i agree, it would be nice to receive more readers and commenters in general, and being jealous of the attention other people receive is natural. but i don't know how to change your relationship with that group, or my relationship with reading & supporting.
#y'all should see the tailspin i am in right now#i do not like examining my own habits because they are so disappointing!#but there's the explanation for why i don't read#IF I AM EVEN INCLUDED IN THIS GROUP???#or am i just supposed to commiserate as an outsider? IDK#of course i automatically assume i am at fault#i do know that the fact that i don't read fic has pissed people off before#unfortunately pissing people off is not enough to change my behavior#as anyone willing to scroll through my asks on this website could tell you#but also you would not want my comments if i felt obligated to give them#and i think the people i've beta'd for would agree#i do not go into it as a fan#or as an appreciation#i go into it very defensively#which is a shitty relationship to have with art#anyway i am sorry that this is your experience and that i may be contributing to it#i do not have a solution for you#nor do i want to like.....guilt people into reading fic#and the way i cope with this#the way i coped with it back in the day when the fandom had more popular writers and reading groups#was by hiding#and lowering my expectations#i gave nothing to the fandom and i expected nothing from it#kerryrants#aka how i tag the posts when i'm being an asshole
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tw abuse in the tags
#my dad decided that he was going to share his posts on threads where he trauma dumped shit with me and my sister#and it pisses me off so much that he can talk about all the trauma he’s gone through#and all the shitty things he’s gone through#and literally anything and everything that’s happened to him#but won’t acknowledge that he abused me my mom and my sister growing up#i got the worst of it all bc ofc i fucking did my sister was his favorite and i knew from a young age that she was#still is tbh#i’ve only been back in contact with my dad for a little over 5 years and since then there have been 3 separate occasions#where he’s acknowledged what he’s done to me and how it’s affected our relationship#the last one being last year where he actually apologized#but the first was in 2019 when we first started talking again and then again in 2021#and then last year in 2023#and i can’t talk about the shit he put me through bc he shuts down and doesn’t want to talk about it#and it pisses me tf off that he can do literally anything else to better himself#but the minute i want to even throw a passing fancy towards our past he freezes#and i feel like i have to change the subject bc lol dad’s uncomfortable!#i’ll admit i don’t talk about the shit he put me through willingly to anyone not even my therapist#but how the fuck are you going to sit there and trauma dump to the person YOU traumatized? and won’t talk about the trauma with?#fuck all the way off that’s fucking bullshit and we all know it
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i keep wanting to continue watching edgerunners whenever people hype it up again, but i absolutely hate lucy and i think i only got to like episode 3.
#shes just so annoying to me tbh#also the fact shes a grown adult that had sex with a minor is offputting#'its night city!!!111' isnt an excuse to me#even aside from that i just find her incredibly annoying and really unlikeable without even finishing the show#i wish she wasnt a main character bc i rlly dont like her LMFAO#and the fact shes a complete bitch to david but they have a romance is just#whyyyyyy#what if i dont fucking care about their relationship#ive already been spoiled on it so at least if i finally suffer through it i can keep reminding myself that she ends up on the moon alone#tbh i dont really care for david or rebecca eitheir#i like them both better than lucy but theyre still abit annoying#im just going based on clips ive seen later in the anime for the two of them#maybe they get better but idk if ill ever finish it#everybody in the show feels less well written and more stereoptical character tropes than the game imo#somebody made the perfect point abt david and lucys relationship#why do they expect us to care about their shitty ass relationship when they only spent like 3 episodes together?#i feel like they should not have gone for the romance angle whatsoever tbh#i like how the game has very optional romances (the main story sex scenes dont count as romance)#but youre forced to endure a shitty romance in the show
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you know what? i'm gonna say it. i miss being seventeen. not for the "glory days," bc they weren't, by a country mile lol. if i had glory days i'd say they were in 2020. but i miss the electricity, the constant undercurrent of euphoria and deep plunging black. i miss the fight i had. i was literally known for being scrappy. i was self-destructive and coping poorly, but goddamn if i didn't burn bright and long. it took me until my twenties to finally start to fizzle out. does the candle with its wax melted down to the base of its glass cage miss when the wick was lit?
#she bork#it's not even that i'm tired of fighting necessarily. clearly. if i was i wouldn't miss it. i think i miss being ABLE to fight. now i just#don't feel like i have the grit i used to have. i'm not sure if it's bc i'm healthier mentally or bc my energy has just dissipated over time#but i miss taking hit after hit (metaphorically) and wiping the blood from my lip and standing again and raising my fists. i don't do that#anymore. and again even if it's bc i'm healthier i'm not sure it's a good thing that that stubbornness and grit is gone. is it automatically#better to seek the path of least resistance? i'm not sure.#maybe it's learned helplessness? idk i mean logically one person can only suffer so much before they learn it's better not to fight or that#fighting isn't even always possible. but i've always struggled. i've always gone head-first into these things and white-knuckled it and made#it through even if only w self-violence (which was often remarked upon as self-discipline). now i feel like i just flounder and flop and cry#like a fish w a wailing voice on the dock as it loses its breath. i really do think it's partially bc i'm sane now but somewhere inside me#that crazy flame still dances. and ik that bc from time to time i still feel the heat against the sides of the glass. maybe it's a lack of#confidence. maybe it's that ik now that it's impossible to hate yourself into a different better shape (both physically and mentally). but#it was so exciting to try. if i'm miserable regardless i'd at least rather be having fun.#furthermore it could also be that my chaos is no longer external. a lot of what i have going on is internal/physical and it's a daily thing.#fighting daily is a lot harder than fighting through my shitty relationship or that one season of volleyball that destroyed me mentally lol#(ik that sounds ridiculous but it was pretty fucking bad). i'm no longer fighting against other people or external circumstances that i feel#a need to prove myself against. i'm fighting my own body which has proven a tougher match than anticipated. bc how can i? i live here. i#cannot will my body to function. i can swim against the currents of my illness and often do. but that's less glamorous than punching walls#and running for miles like i used to. i want to break a hand. i want to run three miles in half an hour. i want to doll myself up for a#dance and spend the whole night driving w the windows down strung out on a cocktail of cortisol and dopamine. i want to live in the eye of#the hurricane again. and i never will. and it's good but i think it's made me soft.
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Speaking of retcons. What fans does Liam have to manipulate? Liam has always been the least popular member of 1D and what fans he did have disappeared when his 2018 album got yanked. You can tell that because his most popular music required GP interest. Plus he can’t sustain a UA and there’s no one defending him on Twitter. Every thing goes viral because there aren’t enough accounts to muddy the algorithms with other tweets. It’s the least believable thing Maya has said. That and her descriptions of his team as powerful. A powerful and manipulative team looks like Harry’s. They’ve been sweeping his indiscretions into a very dark corner for years. One day they’ll come spilling out and he’ll have his Diddy moment. His team will have made their money so they won’t care.
#this is a word salad of hella nonsense#i'll give a few high point answers since you asked--i guess?#1. for whatever fucking reason liam DOES have fans#they are ALL OVER twitter screaming free him and shitting on women like the very best most loyal 1D-ers tend to be right down to today#2. none of these men can seemingly earn a dedicated UA from what i can see which is no surprise since they broke up 10 years ago#(relationship UAs don't count--that's a whole other world but individual ones? i'm friends with the fashion ones#and THEY aren't bothered 'even with' harry lmao)#3. see above about twitter--yes women have come forward talking about what a shitty abusive person Liam is for the gross things he's DM'd#but he has a massive following on twitter and you would goddamned know it/see it (even I am seeing it)#4. and listen harry HAS had women come out and say some pretty damning shit about him#was it abusive? no#was it gross? yes#did anyone listen? no and that was because ewww women...total pick me's cunts etc#u shouldn't listen to them (or Lou T etc)#don't even get me started on how weird it is to act like you can say wahh he's closeted which means he somehow CAN'T treat women like shit#he can--he has--he does! look at who he hires! treats his 'girlfriends'! pick someone supportive amirite! hashtag goals!#but wow the sad trombone louie of it all just bleeds through this ask...it's been a while and anyway ANYWAY here's a UO to get you awf:#i don't think harry styles has been on the 'giving' end of a diddy-style party but the receiving end? MAYBE SO RECEIPTS
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wait no sorry one last quick immature bitch moment
the more I find out about how this person has behaved in both this relationship and a bunch of other relationships, the funnier it is how much they like to set themselves up as a like. authority on ethical nonmonogamy and consent and conflict management.
when like. they constantly sexually assault people to prove a point, pressure their partners into shit, got into enm by cheating on 3 people concurrently, and literally every time a problem in their orbit is brought up it gets explained away without anything actually changing, or they cry about how hard it is until everyone says OH NO IT'S FINE DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
you know. very "call yourself a Community Organizer even though you're not on speaking terms with your roommates" energies.
#red said#I'm mad tbh i know in being bitchy but this blog is my safe space to be bitch on#and this shit has been building up for years. not even just in my relationship with their partner. since the first time i meet them#in like 2018#and having this chat with my pal last night now I'm no longer second guessing myself bc of my relationship has uhhh Crystalised Some Things#especially getting some new context on where a lot of the tensions and sensitivities I've been aware of for ages are from#also tbh when we broke up my ex led off with 'i know you think this is about [partner] but it's not' and i was like. it is though.#it's not the only thing but it's been a common thread through every piece of tension in that relationship#not saying if the partner wasn't there we'd have been together forever. i don't think that's true and I'm glad things went the way they did.#cause w were good for each other and breaking up was also good for us#but their partner has really caused me so so so so so much turmoil for years and i haven't felt able to acknowledge that cause it makes me#feel like an asshole. but like. OK SO I'M AN ASSHOLE. I'M FUCKING MAD AT THEM.#they are manipulative and controlling and they treat their partner like shit and they have perpetually made my life worse#i like a lot of things about them and i do feel for them. we share a lot of similar issues and i do understand how they feel a lot.#but fuck me they treat everyone around them so badly and a good chunk of the reason i ended things with their partner#is that i was so fucking sick of being told i was wrong and just didn't understand how hard they had it whenever i brought up#one of the many many many shitty things they did to me or to our partner or to our friends.#multiple times i left a situation in a fully fucked up mess and my partner came to apologise for how their partner has behaved#and within minutes it would turn into them explaining to me how it wasn't really their fault and i shouldn't be so hard on them#and like fuck that. had enough of that in my life with my previous ex.#anyway. yeah. i am probably being more didactic and aggro here than i genuinely feel. but there's some room for that anger i think#and i did get some room for it to breathe last night and that's good and helpful.
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Okay this is something that has taken me years to come to terms with and I just need to get off my chest especially since im not in therapy anymore and honestly only a few close friends know this but talking about it is still hard and I want to be able to better forgive myself and get rid of some of the internalized shame that plagues me because of this, and like, just be more comfortable admitting this fact to myself so I can better heal from it. And I know it’s also triggering to a lot of people so I never feel like it’s ever appropriate to discuss I should have a therapist again maybe sometime. But I’m gonna just say it and maybe delete this later. But I’m a rape + abuse survivor and it’s took me years to even “unlock” this trauma and properly process it. I’ve come a long way but idk I just wanted to get this off my chest because it’s been aching to come out but I also don’t wanna burden people.
#I want to ‘move on’ from this but I’m always gonna have ptsd and complicated triggers and. trying to make peace with that.#idk why it’s been at the forefront of my mind the past couple weeks#maybe because I’m yearning for a long term relationship rn and this is barriers I need to break through#like oh man if I wanna love someone and marry them I have to learn to trust them and take that leap#and the fact that I’m afraid of falling into an abusive relationship again#because as much as I tell myself I’d recognize the warning signs and would leave immediately#I truly will never know what I would do until it actually happens#and I think just the fear of falling for someone and having them turn out to be a scumbag is alone too much#I need to vet potential partners through multiple friend groups or something#my therapist always told me that the reason toxic and/or abusive people try to enter my life is because they can tell I’m vulnerable#like that I’m some sort of easy target because I was a people pleaser and empathize easily#and people realize they can get away with some shitty stuff and take advantage of me since I’m loyal and forgiving#I don’t think I’m like that anymore. I feel like I’m a lot more assertive and like. cognizant of red flags now.#but again… it’s a fear I have#idk what I’m even saying anymore.
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I do. Not have borderline personality disorder. That name is outdated and carries a stigma that causes people to assume things about me that aren’t even true. I have Emotional Intensity Disorder, which is what they’re trying to change it to in the DSM-6. I do not want the label of borderline, I wish I had never talked about it with my past therapist when I was 18 years old. I was unstable back then. I’m relatively stable now.
#kat’s meow#vent#personal#I’ve been in a steady committed relationship for three years#so the whole volatile relationships thing isn’t even a thing for me#and you see posts on Uninformed Mental Health Tiktok about how bpd havers are soooo terrible#and sooooo awful and manipulative and shitty#that’s not fucking true#I feel EVERYTHING#ALL THE TIME#I pick up on others emotions so easily it’s kind of scary#I have been able to regulate that through therapy and medication.
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idolatry | august '23
#thanks for NOTHING AUGUST!!!!#ugliest month of the year. easily#index: rows#1. idolatry - worship#2. he (me) who lives by the low rise jeans dies by the low rise jeans#3. soup. i love soup so much. when im having a particularly bad ms episode and i cant stand the sight for food soup is so easy & gud🥹#4. if youve been here long enough you already know about my dill pickle problem#5. faces & friends on the beach#wanna give some deep reflections on august but i really learned nothing except for i have an unspeakably shitty problem with relationships#its like my 4th relationship of the year. 5 if we count a 2 month long situationship. i just cant hold a relationship down#i self sabotage and i get really disinterested and withdrawn. how do you even fix that#anyway i suppose the silver lining about it is that it made me consider spending my bday this year with my dad#if i cant hold a relationship down maybe i need to work on my familial relationships#i hope i dont regret it HEHE!#and last but not least: remember to romanticise your life girlies#thats the only way you can get through it 😍🔫#photography series
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