#fuck all the way off that’s fucking bullshit and we all know it

[classyrbf]

IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE! — GOJO SATORU

SYNOPSIS...you and gojo get into a fight after realizing that he’s been hiding something about your relationship the entire time

INFO...gojo x fem!reader, angsty, arguing, breaking up(?), not proofread

OTHER...likes and reblogs are appreciated

You slam the door to the penthouse, your heels clicking against the mahogany floors with each step. You toss your purse on the couch, hearing Gojo opening the front door and shutting it quickly. “Baby, please just listen to me.” He pleads, following after you.

“I don’t wanna hear your bullshit excuse, Satoru.” You roll your eyes, plopping down on the edge of the bed to relieve your sore feet of the heels you’ve been wearing all night to your boyfriends opening event he’s been planning for months now.

“I’m not trying to make excuses. Please.” He walks over towards you and toss your heel at him. “Stop throwing shit and just talk to me!”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do!” You stand to your feet, glaring daggers at him. “Do you know how embarrassing that was for me? God, you’re a fucking asshole.” You seethe, narrowing your eyes. “I sat there all alone, while you let some woman feel up on you the entire night? Are you out your fucking mind?” You scoff.

“She’s just an old friend, y/n. I swear I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.” He shakes his head at you, grabbing onto your arms tightly.

“Oh, yeah? So I when I came up and introduced myself as your girlfriend none of your friends were looking at me like I was crazy? I know we’ve been only together for a year, Satoru, but that’s fucking low.” You pull away from him. “They didn’t even know who I was. Then you got miss prissy bitch clearly flirting with you in front of me and you didn’t do a damn thing to stop it!” You brush past him, stomping over towards the bathroom.

“Slow down, y/n! Baby—”

“I’m not your fucking ‘baby’, Satoru.” You gather all of your products from the bathroom, from your makeup and skincare to your clothes and shampoo.

“Stop for just one second.” He spins you around so you’re facing him. “Don’t leave. I swear you’re the only girl for me. I know I fucked up, I know I did. I embarrassed you, made you look stupid and I am so fucking sorry. But please do not leave.” He cups your face gently and his touch feels so inviting, but you can’t forgive him that easily. “I only want you. I only need you.”

You look up at him through your lashes, swallowing thickly as you bite the inside of your cheek. “Should’ve thought about that when you let her kiss your cheek and you smiled at her. Right in front of me. Get the fuck off of me.” You push him, rushing to grab your bag from the closet.

Gojo lets out a tired sigh, following you. He wasn’t going to let you go. Not like this. “I shouldn’t have let her near me.”

“Why was she so comfortable with being that close to you, huh?” You question, furrowing your brows as you turn to look at him. “Now that I think about it. Let me guess, you two were more than just friends.” You stand to your feet, snatching your clothes off the hangers and shoving them into your bag. He looks at you, opening his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. And from the look in his eyes, you already knew the truth. A bitter laugh leaves your lips, shaking your head in disappointment.

“It was before you! Before us! We never dated it was just a small thing between me and her!” He tried to explain. “Baby, I swear! Once I met you, everything changed. I cut her off and focused all my attention on you. You’re the only who has my heart.” He grabbed your wrist only for you to pull away.

“Clearly I ain’t the only who who’s got your dick, though.” You slam the closet door shut, turning your back towards him.

“Don’t say that, y/n. That’s the first time I’ve seen her in years!”

“Yeah? Well all your friends sure know about her. She must’ve been great in bed, Satoru. Me? Well, they looked at me like I was a fucking ghost!” You scoff. “Like I was some delusional bitch who came up to you and said I was your girlfriend!” You throw your hands up in disbelief. “You must take me for fucking joke. It must be written on my forehead or something!”

“I don’t take you for a joke! You’re my goddamn girlfriend. You live with me. You have my initial around your fucking neck! I love you and you know that!” He takes a step towards you.

“Do I know that?” You ask aloud, cocking your head to the side.

“What—of course I love you. What the fuck are you saying?” He looked at you with pure confusion.

“You’re a joke. One of your friends, Shoko, pulled me aside and told me the only reason you got with me is because your little fling ended up getting a boyfriend herself around the time we started dating. You’re a piece of shit.” You revealed the truth to him, watching him stare at you blankly, lost for words. “Think I wouldn’t find out?” You ripped off the necklace with his initial, tossing it at him.

“Yes, I was upset that she got a boyfriend but—”

“So you had feelings for her. And just to cover them up, you got with me as a distraction.” You step closer towards him. “Listen to me, Satoru, don’t ever try and contact me again, keep whatever fucking gifts you bought me and return them, sell them, do whatever because I am done,” you spoke through gritted teeth.

“No, no, no, baby. You can’t leave me. Yea I liked her before, but so fucking what? I was never in love with her, not like I am with you. I was too fucking stupid. I still am! Just give me another chance to fix this. I don’t want us to end this way.” He grabs your packed bag from your hands and tosses it on the bed.

“Let me go, Satoru.”

“No,” he shakes his head, “I can’t. You’re everything to me. She’s nothing compared to you.” He sniffles, holding your hands in his. “I love you so much and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you the truth. I’m sorry I embarrassed you. And I’m sorry for entertaining the idea that she could even come close to you. She can’t.” His hands cupped your face, his heart pounding in anticipation as he waited to hear any words from you.

You reached up, pulling his hands away from your face. “Bye, Satoru.” You walked past him, grabbing your bag off of the bed. As much as it hurt to leave, you knew you had to respect yourself. Time and space was what you needed to think. With each step out the door, you could hear Gojo’s sobs, something you’ve never heard before in the year you’ve been with him. For the strong, flashily and confident man he is, you never once thought you’d see or him break down. Especially not for you.

[dresshistorynerd]

The Morrisian case against fast fashion

Today I discovered that H&M made a William Morris collection some years ago. The heath death of the universe can't come quickly enough. We can stop now. Satire is dead and we killed her.

It's not just the whole concept of H&M using William Morris' designs for their fast fashion which is insanity inducing, but also the critical response it garnered. Like sure, people did realize this is insane and there was a lot of think pieces about it at the time, but I read several of them and they all seem to still miss the point in spectacular way.

The basic premise of these think pieces go along the lines of: "Would William Morris spin in his grave with a speed of light because of the H&M collection of his designs? A difficult question indeed. William Morris was a complicated man. He wanted art to be affordable to everyone. Isn't H&M affordable? That kinda fits. Though probably he would have some concerns about H&M's practices."

On the surface - yes - but like in reality - fuck no. There's no nuance in this particular issue. He talked about many times what he though of the H&Ms of his time, the retailers selling poor quality industrially produced "fashionable" bullshit. We know exactly what he would have thought of H&M. Here's couple of quotes from his 1884 lecture "Art and Socialism", which makes it very clear.

"It would be an instructive day's work for any one of us who is strong enough to walk through two or three of the principal streets of London on a week-day, and take accurate note of everything in the shop windows which is embarrassing or superfluous to the daily life of a serious man. Nay, the most of these things no one, serious or unserious, wants at all; only a foolish habit makes even the lightest-minded of us suppose that he wants them, and to many people even of those who buy them they are obvious encumbrances to real work, thought and pleasure. But I beg you to think of the enormous mass of men who are occupied with this miserable trumpery, from the engineers who have had to make the machines for making them, down to the hapless clerks who sit day-long year after year in the horrible dens wherein the wholesale exchange of them is transacted, and the shopmen, who not daring to call their souls their own, retail them amidst numberless insults which they must not resent, to the idle public which doesn't want them but buys them to be bored by them and sick to death of them."

He is describing the birth of consumerism, which was taking form during his lifetime in the late Victorian Era, which fast fashion is the extreme logical conclusion of, and he fucking hated it. He specifically railed against endless consumerist products, which H&M is the perfect representation of. It was definitely not the art and beauty he believed everyone required and deserved. He makes the distinction often.

"Now if we are to have popular Art, or indeed Art of any kind, we must at once and for all be done with this luxury; it is the supplanter, the changeling of Art; so much so that by those who know of nothing better it has even been taken for Art, the divine solace of human labour, the romance of each day's hard practice of the difficult art of living."

"And here furthermore is at least a little sign whereby to distinguish between a rag of fashion and a work of Art: whereas the toys of fashion when the first gloss is worn off them do become obviously worthless even to the frivolous—a work of Art, be it ever so humble, is long lived; we never tire of it; as long as a scrap hangs together it is valuable and instructive to each new generation. All works of Art in short have the property of becoming venerable amidst decay: and reason good, for from the first there was a soul in them, the thought of man, which will be visible in them so long as the body exists in which they were implanted."

When he thought of popular Art he thought of the craftsmanship of the common people. The art people have made from useful everyday objects with skillful handicrafts. This is what he means by "divine solace of human labour". It's not reverence of Puritanical work ethic, on the contrary, it's the reverence of creation, of the earnest joy people feel when they get to express themselves through their creative pursuits. He certainly didn't believe in work for work's sake, work needed to be worthwhile and enjoyable. He summarized his own position on what labour should be thusly:

"It is right and necessary that all men should have work to do which shall be worth doing, and be of itself pleasant to do; and which should he done under such conditions as would make it neither over-wearisome nor over-anxious."

He urged his middle class audience to reject consumerism (the lecture was for a very much middle class atheist society):

"For I say again that in buying these things: 'Tis the lives of men you buy! Will you from mere folly and thoughtlessness make yourselves partakers of the guilt of those who compel their fellow men to labour uselessly?"

I think it's glaringly obvious H&M and fast fashion in general is what he would consider luxury. Rags of fashion that are just churned out and discarded without thought and produced by compelling people to labour uselessly. It's not popular art that's made by workers and craftsmen, who are able to express themselves through it. There's no agency for the abused workers in H&M's sweatshops, they are not expressing their joy of creation, they are simply labouring uselessly.

Morris didn't shame workers for buying affortable things even if they weren't Art with big A, because that's the problem he despised the whole economic system for, for taking away the popular Art from people, making it inaccessible, and selling back mass produced products with very little practical or aesthetic value. So I don't think he would have problem with people who can only afford fast fashion today. They are the victims of capitalism too, because Art has been taken away from them. But the idea that some of these think pieces had that perhaps the H&M's Morris collection can be good actually if you squint, that H&M has the capacity to bring the art and beauty Morris advocated for for the people, is level of stupidity that's hard to express in words.

Morris didn't believe anything made with exploited labour could be truly beautiful, truly art. In his 1879 lecture "The Art of the People" he put it like this:

"That thing which I understand by real art is the expression by man of his pleasure in labour."

The way I understand this, is that art is communication. Through it we communicate feelings, ideas and thoughts, that is it's purpose. So for that communication to work, for it to be imbued with message, the person making it needs to feel passion and love for it's creation. How can there be love and passion if the hands making the garment belong to a tired exploited worker who has no agency what so ever in their work and can only think about survival to the next day?

Beyond the fundamental exploitativeness of H&M and fast fashion, this collection would still get zero points on aesthetic values from Morris even with his own designs. Because the work itself was such an important part of art for Morris, good design was nothing without good craftsmanship. Good design in his mind was always relative and dependent on it's purpose.

"For everything made by man’s hands has a form, which must be either beautiful or ugly; beautiful if it is in accord with Nature, and helps her; ugly if it is discordant with Nature, and thwarts her; it cannot be indifferent." (The Lesser Arts, 1877)

Here when he says nature, he means the nature of the thing that is made - basically it's purpose and function - and the nature of the materials it's made from. Basically, the design must always be made to bring out the function of the art and the qualities of the material it's made from, not fight against them. This is because he believed handicrafts were uniquely suitable for expressing the love of creation, therefore superior labour, and to really bring out the qualities of the craftsmanship and enjoy the creative process, the design should be suitable for that craft. The other side, which was the joy of using and experiencing art, required the craft to be selected for the suitable purpose. Using poorly functioning furniture for example is not very enjoyable, nor is using clothing that's made from materials that are not suitable for the climactic conditions it's supposed to be used in.

H&M of course utterly fails in this. They use Morris' designs in fully unsuitable ways. They print patterns made for example for wall papers on poor quality fabrics with synthetics dyes they weren't made for. This line from one blog post I came across really got me: "Therefore, without cheapening the artistic value of Morris’ designs, H&M’s collection offers an unparalleled potential for accessibility to them." No. Fuck no. They do in fact cheapen Morris' designs in every single way possible. Literally this is atrocious.

Despite the popular depiction, Morris wasn't in fact against industrial machinery or industrial art even, or at least he wasn't once his views on art and politics matured. He did think technology was useful, but he thought the people should use industrial methods for the benefit of all, not be enslaved by the industrial machine.

"I have spoken of machinery being used freely for releasing people from the more mechanical and repulsive part of necessary labour; and I know that to some cultivated people, people of the artistic turn of mind, machinery is particularly distasteful, and they will be apt to say you will never get your surroundings pleasant so long as you are surrounded by machinery. I don't quite admit that; it is the allowing machines to be our masters and not our servants that so injures the beauty of life nowadays. In other words, it is the token of the terrible crime we have fallen into of using our control of the powers of Nature for the purpose of enslaving people, we care less meantime of how much happiness we rob their lives of." ("How we live and how we might live", 1887)

However, he thought that the designer should approach it the way they approached any craft, by designing for the strengths of the machine work.

"But if you have to design for machine-work, at least let your design show clearly what it is. Make it mechanical with a vengeance, at the same time as simple at possible. Don't try, for instance, to make a printed plate look like a hand-painted one: make it something which no one would try to do if he were painting by hand..." ("Art and the Beauty of the Earth", 1881)

He did use some machinery for fabric and wall paper printing, but he was very intentional about their use. Still his designs weren't made for the type of methods these modern H&M machinery uses and he did for example use natural dyes. Particularly insulting is that some of the H&M clothes are made from viscose, rayon made with viscose method. Viscose method is extremely toxic and is known to cause long term health consequences for the workers and the people in surrounding areas. This has been well proven knowledge for ages. William Morris' wall paper factory in the beginning used the typical method used at the time which involved arsenic, but once he learned this could pose risks for the workers, he changed the method. Many of the new synthetic dyes were toxic at the time, which is the major reason he so favoured natural dyes, known to not cause health issues for workers or pollute the environment.

The question many of these think pieces about the H&M Morris collection posed was, would Morris disapprove and should we care? The first part of that is very easy to answer. Yes. Of course Morris would disapprove. He is currently powering the whole of British Isles with purely the kinetic energy his grave-spinning produces. Should we care though? If you care about Morris' art, if you want to see more of that kind of art in this world, you should care. Morris' art is not about the superficial qualities. Copying his designs and aesthetics and styles, will only lead to hollow imitations, that are exactly what he described the rags of fashion to be; as the shininess of novelty wears off they will reveal themselves to be soulless, useless and utterly empty. This collection is just that. To see more of the kind of art that makes you feel like his art makes you feel, not just something that reminds you of that feeling, you should focus more on the way the art is made and less on the specific aesthetics. If his vision of labour and art was realised, all art produced of course wouldn't be loved by every person, but all of it would be loved by someone, even if that someone was just the maker. And that would be more worthwhile than every single rag of fast fashion.

I will stop William-Morris-posting now and return to my thesis.

The full texts I quoted here:

Art and Socialism The Art of the People The Lesser Arts How We Live and How We Might Live Art and the Beauty of the Earth

[iatrophilosophos]

Like. Fucking. Hell. Electricity can be a legitimately useful resource but we For Real do not need this much of it

There are so many ways of producing electricity that are dependent on like either damage that has already been done (hey fun fact didja know solar fields decommission panels after a certain number of years? they hit like 80-90% of their original efficency and get rotated out even tho they're still very much capable of working fine!) or are just actually pretty reasonable at SMALL scales (hydro with a little water wheel from a small pond on a big creek -> can even increase biodiversity so long as ur like, paying attention and not fucking migrations with how you build things, diverting small amounts of flow from an already downhill stream for a few dozen yards can be basically fine, there's also gravity pumps uphill catchment tiny water towers etc; these systems just work with magnets and rotation, it's municipal generation and larger scale dams that get Bad)

None Of These will power millions of peoples home microwaves and electric kettles and cars and lighting and industry and all that bullshit. But there's many many years worth of reclaiming all the toxic extracted shit to power like, medical equipment. Eventually these things will fall off too, break for the last time and not be able to be fixed generations from now, but that's a lot fucking better bet for ur gr8 gr8 grandkids than no complex life on earth!

Do not fall for the trap of collapsing imperial core luxury into needs. It's unhelpful and makes you look like a callous, whiny fool. Differentiate what you need from what youve become accustomed to demanding. The world is fucking chockablock with materials that shouldn't have been made in the first place but fucking exist now, we cant compost trillions of miles of copper power lines. Municipal scales kill. Your toaster oven is not a ventilator.

[novankenn]

What If...

Pyrrha was also under the sway of Salem Cinder and Pyrrha love each other (Pompeii) Jaune and Emerald are married (Topaz) Jaune and Emerald have a child (Jasmine Esmeralda Arc) Jaune and Emerald are on the run from Salem & Ozpin

Scene : A cheap motel in Argus

==> @cheeseeater2 - What if Nora and Ren find Jaune and Emerald with the kid and let them go if only for the child to be safe. Jaune says even if they hate him forever he loves them and hopes they can be happy one day.

Of all the things Ren and Nora expected after hearing that Jaune had left with Pyrrha during the fall, and then discovering that he and Emerald were on the run from Salem's agents. Finding himself held at gun-point by the man he used to consider a brother, was not one of them.

It had been a stroke of luck, finding out Jaune and Emerald were expecting. It was through idle chit-chat with the other tenants of the apartment building Jaune and Emerald had been living in for the last almost year... before vanishing days before a fire gutted the building. So as they continued their counter operations against Salem's machinations, they kept checking local medical centers and hospitals.

At a stop over in Argus, about a year after the last lead that went cold at the apartment complex. Nora had decided on a whim to check the local hospital, and much to her utter shock she caught site of Emerald leaving with a bundle cradled in her arms. So cautiously she followed the obviously new mother, tracing her back to a rather shabby motel.

A scroll call and Ren was beside her with in twenty minutes. A hint of intimidation and they had the room number. The flimsy wooden door was no obstacle for Nora. She was through it at the first hit of her shoulder. Ren was inside a fraction of a second after Nora burst through the door. The screaming of a startled child, and the yells of a young women, filled the room. But what Ren really focused on was the cold barrel of a rather nasty pistol being pressed against the center of his chest.

"You don't want to do this Jaune." Ren calmly informed his former team leader. "This will just make things worse."

"You right Ren, I don't want to do this, but to protect my wife and my daughter... I will." Jaune replied, his voice measured, and forced like he was fighting the potential of his own emotions surfacing. "Back away Nora."

"Jaune, why?" Nora asked as she stepped back away from the door she had just smashed in.

"I made a mistake." Jaune replied. "Both Em and I did."

"And what do you call this?" Ren asked nodding towards the pistol pressed against his chest.

"Protecting our second chance." Jaune replied. "Em, are you and her okay?"

"We are, she's just a little scared." Emerald answered, as she gently rocked the bundle in her arms. "Shush that's okay sweetie. It's okay, daddy will keep the bad people away from us."

"We're not... bad people." Nora countered.

"Really?" Emerald asked. "You've been trying to find us for years. Chasing us from place to place. Making us uproot, time and time again just so we can have a life away from all the bullshit."

"But..."

"We made mistakes. We were lied to. Led on." Emerald cut Nora off. "We figured it out too late to stop them, so we left."

"And have Ozpin's and Salem's minions dogging us all over Remnant." Jaune added. "We're out. We want to be left in peace. We know nothing, nor do we want to know anything. We're out."

"Jaune, you know..."

"Who says it can't be that way? Ozpin? Salem?" Jaune countered. "Fuck them and their little war!"

"Jaune, language!' Emerald hissed as she continued to placate the fussy infant.

"I'm sorry, but the point remains. We're out. We just want to make a life, for us and our daughter. A quiet life." Jaune expanded upon his original statement. "Both of you away from the door."

"Jaune, this isn't the right way. Come back with us? Ozpin can..."

"Ozpin is a failure." Jaune rebutted. "If he had any brains or sense he would have at least had an idea that Salem was trying something after the breach."

"None of us..."

"No, we didn't." Jaune agreed, "But we we're students, why would we have? The ones in power should have been protecting us. Like I will Em and Jas."

"Jas?" Nora asked as she moved as far from the door, as she could without getting any closer to Emerald or the infant. "Is that her name? Jas?"

"Jasmine Esmeralda Arc." Emerald informed the group. "She's named after our mothers."

Jasmine started to fuss more.

"Is she..."

"She's hungry." Emerald answered as she adjusted how she was holding Jasmine while lifting the left side of her shirt to feed her bundle of joy.

"I'm sorry it came to this." Jaune commented as he moved himself to be standing between Emerald and the now sitting Nora and Ren, his pistol still trained on Ren. "I never wanted to hurt you, either of you. You mean too much to me, but..."

"Jasmine and Emerald mean more." Nora finished his statement. "I can understand that."

"Are you truly happy Jaune?" Ren asked, keeping his hands flat on his lap, in clear view. "I mean really happy?"

"I am." Jaune replied. "I... we made our mistakes, but Jas is the best of both of us, and she deserves a future."

"A future you're willing to kill to protect?" Ren asked.

"You need to understand, Ren. I don't want to, but I will. To protect Em and Jas, I will put down anyone that comes after us."

"What are you going to do now?" Nora asked, trying to lean just enough to see Emerald and her baby.

"Same as we always do when you two or Cinder and Pyrrha get too close. We'll leave, and find somewhere new."

"That's not much of a life." Ren commented. "Always on the run. Is that fair to Jasmine? To Emerald? To you?"

"If I could change it. If I could fix it, I would... but there's fat chance of that happening, isn't there."

"Can I... can I hold her?" Nora tentatively asked. "I won't do anything, I swear, I just... I just feel this need..."

"I don't..."

"It's okay Jaune." Emerald cut him off. "I trust her enough not to hurt Jas. She's not the type."

Emerald stood, up after burping Jasmine, and slowly approached, keeping out of Jaune's line of fire. She loved him, wholly, and she understood is consuming drive and need to keep her and their daughter safe. She had the same compulsion.

"Watch her head." Emerald softly instructed Nora as she lay the precious bundle of joy. Jaune and her little miracle into Nora's arms.

"She's so small." Nora whispered, a sad smile on her face. "She's so small."

"Jaune, put it away." Emerald smiled at him as she crouched next to Nora who was completely enamored with little Jasmine.

Jaune hesitated for a fraction of a moment and then reached up and pushed the pistol back up into his sleeve. Ren heard the click of the mechanism resetting.

"Ren," Nora softly spoke. "We can't keep chasing them. We need to help them."

"Nora?"

"She's so small, and innocent. She shouldn't have to suffer for Jaune and Emerald's mistakes." Nora commented her eyes never leaving the beautiful if but slightly chubby face. "This is a fresh start for them... and us."

"Us?" Ren asked.

"I hate what Pyrrha did. How she used us all. How she broke our trust... but I want to help protect this little one. I want to do that more than chasing Jaune or Emerald." Nora made a kissy face as Emerald smiled. "Everything we're doing is about the future right? Protecting it?"

"I guess." Ren responded.

"Then let's help them. Let's let this little one have the family the Grimm robbed us of..." Nora's eyes started to tear up, emotions she thought long gone washing over her.

"It's okay, Nora." Emerald comforted her one time enemy. "It's okay."

"There might be a way." Ren sighed as he spoke. "Because to be honest I'm tired of chasing you Jaune."

"If it's any consolation, we're tired of being chased by you." Jaune gave his former teammate a soft smile.

"Would you stay in Vale, if we could get you in without anyone knowing? If we could help you get settled? Would you stay?"

Jaune looked to Emerald who was still hovering over Nora, rubbing her back in gentle circles as Nora tried to get control of her emotions. Emerald gave Jaune a smile and a nod.

"I would, if we can be safe. Unmolested?"

"Only Nora and I would know. Not even Ozpin will be any the wiser."

"Tell me why?" Jaune point blank asked.

"I want my family back together, despite the mistakes we've all made." Ren replied. "You're our family Jaune, and we miss you."

"I miss you as well." Jaune responded.

"So, can you really help us? Keep us secret and safe?" Emerald asked as Nora, at Emerald's urging, transferred Jasmine back into her arms.

"We can." Ren replied.

"No," Nora spoke her voice breaking slightly. "We will."

Jaune swallowed hard, and moved forward, his arms spread accepting Nora and Ren into a hug that had been forever in the making. A familial embrace they had all missed.

[floret-affini-research]

RESEARCH LOG 020

RESEARCHER M. Arum

AUDIO FILE DETECTED, LOADING TRANSCRIPT...

"Hello, this is Maria Arum, Second Floret and researcher on the relationships between the Affini and their Florets. I am here today conducting research in the wild with my Mistress to learn and record the capture of independents who have proven to be rather difficult. From the information I was able to gather from the communications I intercepted, they appear to be a group of rebels who are attempting to hide out on this planet to outlast the Affini. However, they are dwindling in supplies, hence why we were able to find them. Mistress has said that she will protect me through this encounter to make sure nothing happens, and there will be many Affini to ensure this is all done with the safety of everyone in mind. Ah, we appear to be landing soon. I will be going dark for most of the proceedings, so that this may be observed without interference. Until I return, this will be Maria Arum, Second Floret."

You really are so formal with your research. I'll have to make sure to reward you later my little researcher~

"Th-thank you Mistress."

...

Greetings Terran independents, we are here to offer peace and safety to you all. We do not wish to alarm you and will escort you peacefully onto our vessel if you will join us. We do not wish to use force if it can be avoided.

"Yeah? How about you suck my big fat rebel dick you crazy fuckin' plant!? You try comin' in here and we'll use enough fuckin' bombs to blow you and all your fuckin' ship to high hell!"

Now now, there is no need for such language or dangers to yourselves. We-

"You can shove it you fuckin' weed! No way in hell you're turning us into your damn freaks! Now get fuckin' lost or get ready to explode!"

"That voice... n-no, it can't be..."

It does appear we are at a disagreement then. However, we are aware that you have dwindling supplies, so if we may offer it as a sign of peace and assurance of our promise, we wish to offer sustenance to you and your people.

"Ha! Y'here that boys!? This dumbass plant thinks we'll let it give us poisoned food to make us all willing to bend over and take it in the ass! Nice fuckin' try bitch, but we've got enough to live! So fuck off with that peace bullshit!"

"N-no...nonononono."

Are you alright my little researcher? You have elevated signs of stress. Here, I'll give you a little injection to help you relax~

"Researcher? Wait a fuckin' minute! Is that the fuckin' cybitch with those plant fucks!? Hahahahahaha! Wow, that's no fuckin' shock huh!? Useless ass piece of scrap metal never could hold itself up huh!? C'mon Florez, tell these fuckin' weeds how ready we really are!"

Ah, don't squirm so much little one. I'll help you relax right no-

"Stop talking already Hernandez! Dirt, I swear your voice is only more annoying the more I hear it!"

"Ha! There's the fuckin' firecracker! What, can't handle a couple words anymore!? I knew you couldn't handle this easy shit Florez, you're too damn weak!"

"My name is Arum! Maria Arum, Second Floret! And that's tough talk coming from someone who's jaw I nearly broke clean off with a single rotting punch!"

"Oh you think you're tough shit!? C'mon then you fuckin' cybitch! You fuckin' fight me without that damn robot shit and let's see who's really the fuckin' weak one!"

"Bring it on! I'll knock your teeth clean outta that air filled head of yours and make you really see!"

"Oh you're fuckin on you stupid bi- shut up! I know what the fuck I'm doing! That dumbass bitch can't beat me and we all fuckin' know it! You! Cybitch! You really think you're fuckin' better!? Come up and prove it! You beat me and we'll go with your stupid weeds! But when I beat you, I'll get to watch the life leave your fuckin' eyes and get to burn down every last one of those fuckin' plants!"

You will not do this little one. I do not allow it.

"B-but he's the reason I'm like this in the first place! He's the reason I use this arm! I have to do something! Please!"

I can see your distress my darling little researcher. But I simply cannot allow it.

"Ha! See!? Even that dumbass plant knows I'll kill you where you stand!"

I will not allow her to be harmed in any way.

"Wanna see if you can hold that promise!? Fire!"

No!

...

"O-oh... That's... a bad feeling..."

...

All of you. Capture them. Bring the fool to me once they are all restrained.

"S-sorry Mistress... I didn't mean to interfere."

Hush, thank goodness we have a vet on the vessel. You should rest now, everything will be alright.

"O-ok Mistress... I trust you... t-terminate audio recording."

[charcubed]

"Did you love medical school?" Avery asks Max.

"Medical school is the greatest longest hardest thing you're ever going to do," Max says, not answering the question, as he is already fucking famous for doing to get out of talking about himself.

(But this is not a post about Max. This time.)

The use of the word love here and the subtle framing of medical school as a relationship... Well.

My theory for Avery since the start has been that part of her arc is going to be growing to understand herself and realizing that becoming a doctor is not synonymous with fulfillment.

In episode 2, we got her saying,

"I've given up everything good. Everything that matters. Relationships, family. All for this job. And at the end of the day… I'm alone. Adrift. With nothing to show for it. I'm never going to be a doctor. This is all there is for me."

(This follows a pattern of a thing this show does with dialogue where characters say things that are more revealing to us as the audience than the characters themselves are conscious of, but that's a point for another post.)

Her bucket list included,

"I want to know myself."

because she doesn't know herself yet.

And now we got,

“I always thought that if I became a doctor things would start to make sense.”

I think Avery wants far more than just being a doctor... or, to be fully honest with you, I think they're conceivably going to go the route where she decides she doesn’t need to be a doctor because she’s found fulfillment in her life and work (and love!) in other ways anyway. I’m not talking “Rachel gives her life up for Ross” type of bullshit with two men instead of one, but rather tied into the explicit arc of how Avery wants to know and understand herself because she doesn't currently, and the "you're never alone" theme. That's part of what this pregnancy and future abortion plotline is setting up anyway: it's a brute force tool for self-reflection for her.

Does Avery really want to be a doctor, especially at the expense of all other parts of her desires? Or has that just always been The Plan and is she unconsciously thinking that earning that title will fix the holes she feels in herself and in her life?

If you think this sounds tricky to pull off as a story, you'd be correct – but hey, so is polyamory, and yet they're doing that. They’d have to write Avery's arc well enough that it doesn’t come across as reductive, but I really think they could land it because of the character setup they seem to be doing for her – and I've thought that for several weeks already. This week just has me locking in on that possibility more.

Now, going off the rails here from meta to straight up crack theorizing even though it's way too early to be predicting shit...

Weeks ago I was already wondering… what if the season ends with Avery going to leave to become a doctor and the guys decide to follow her? Maybe even in a big dramatic traditional “they run off the ship / to the airport” sort of romantic scene sort of way lmaaaooo. And as the boys abandon ship to follow her, at the same time, SHE turns around to go back to them without knowing they were following her! Idk. Who knows! Not me. Like I said, way too early to know anything.

Regardless though, the Hot Take™️? I would not at all be surprised if Avery changes her mind about wanting to become a doctor. And I think it could, if done correctly, be a weirdly bold move (in a show that's already planning to pull off A Big Bold Move).

[centrally-unplanned]

Fuck seed oil discourse, fuck globalism conspiracy great replacement bullshit, the internet of today sucks. We have to go back, back to the way things were. When men, real men - who may have been catgirls to be clear since you never saw their faces - would tell you what The System refused to say: that your understanding of a battle from 2000+ years ago that you got from Westpoint textbook formation diagrams as bastardized by some other YouTube channel is an inaccurate portrayal of the event based on the 500 hours they spent building a brick-by-brick simulation of the battle in the Unreal engine. Enviously-autistic levels of devotion to a topic that is never, ever going to be politically or personally relevant a day of your life.

This is what the internet is for.

Anyway I only just started watching, but I can tell I am gonna be a fighter with dear Invicta up here. My bet is that 50% of this video's point is going to be the perfectly correct statement that the 1970's model of the battle that people have in their minds is wrong. Back when academics read Livy, read Polybius, and were like "yep, these two authors who are honestly contradicting themselves 20% of the time sound legit, let's take em at their word". Which is a valid point to make, obviously, I just bet the branding of the video will run a bit of aground of the need to cite the dozens of more modern academics who already know this. You have "you are wrong about Cannae" articles dating back to the 90's, and that is just one I knew off the top of my head - I have no doubt there are earlier ones. Cannae's sources are spotty, and our understanding of it will always be vague and debated.

The other 50% is going to be what I would call "model devotion" - essentially taking the conclusions of the model as a sort of gospel. But the model is, of course, built from the same vague guesswork as the spotty sources, and is a process of embedding assumptions. Right in the opening he declares that "once you realize how big the battle is, the idea of an organized retreat over a distance of a kilometer is impossible to consider" idk man I can consider it! Have you looked at military history? People do crazy shit, particularly when they are prepared to do it. If Nasir could lead men 600 miles across the desert to attack Aqaba by land, I think these guys can fight for a few kilometers. Doesn't mean they did, but in particular if it was so crazy contemporary sources probably would have pointed it out themselves (Polybius, not Livy - Livy sucks). People tend to over-assume the ignorance of the past - Cannae was a momentous event. Romans wanted to understand it, and we should extend at least some credit to them on that front.

But again, I have only watched a little bit of it - overall it looks great, really! He clearly did a ton of research and work, anyone who is building custom maps of the Aufidus River's historical floodplain to estimate various battle site locations deserves all the credit in the world. I will watch the whole thing, maybe he will convince me!

[orangesocksonmyeyes]

apocalypse au bf! rafe x oc!

pt. 2

part one: here.

rafe jerked awake at the sudden knock against his door, his head immediately snapping towards where his girlfriend had been sleeping. he didn’t mean to fall asleep, he was supposed to keep watch - make sure none of the others had any plans of their own.

he stood from the chair he had placed in front of his bedroom door, “who is it?” he asked, his voice quiet enough to not wake rory but loud enough for them to hear. “ryan.” the voice replied and rafe moved the chair out of the way, unlocking the door and pulling it open.

his guard shot back up at the sight of matt and two others standing behind ryan. he instantly moved to block the entrance of his room with his large frame. “relax, rafe. we don’t want to do this either.” matt attempted to reason with him, but rafe knew it was utter bullshit. matt had been wanting any excuse to make him and rory leave. or die. maybe both.

rafe leaned against the door frame, shooting a glance over his shoulder towards a still sleeping rory. he just needed more time to figure out where they could go. he couldn’t risk going out in the open with possibly more infected. “look, at least let her wake up on her own, she’ll be terrified if she wakes up to all four of you.” matt cut him off with a scoff. his arms crossed over his chest as he nodded his head towards the room. “it’s probably not even her in there anymore. i bet she’s waiting for you to come sit by her to attack-“

“shut the fuck up, matt.” rafe growled, his voice louder now.

“you shut the fuck up, man. if it was any of us other than her you’d be all about blowing our fucking head off!” rafe finally snapped at that and his hand moved to grab matt’s throat, slamming him into the wall. “you don’t know shit.” his jaw clenched, his head tilting as he spoke.

“rafey?” rory called from the doorway of the bedroom, watching as rafe instantly dropped his hold on matt and rushed to her side. his hand cupped her cheek but she was too focused on how everyone backed away from her like she had the plague. “you okay?” rafe hummed, gently turning her head to face his. she nodded in response, her gaze falling to her wrist. rafe followed her gaze, “does it hurt?” he asked, not waiting for a reply before he held her hand and slowly rolled her sleeve up her arm.

everyone’s breathing suddenly stopped. the hallway was silent and nobody’s eyes could tear away from what they were seeing.

a scar had now formed over her once fresh wound. the bite marks now nothing but a memory. one would think that she had gotten it years ago, not hours.

rafe’s eyes moved to ryan’s, but for the first time, it didn’t look like even he had an answer.

“could it be makeup?” a member of the group asked from his spot on the couch, which rafe had thought his name to be anthony. he rolled his eyes at the dumb question but rory responded before he could. “where could i have got sfx supplies from, ben?” she replied, annoyance evident on her face. rafe gave her hand a squeeze.

ben. huh. he could’ve sworn it was anthony.

ryan held his chin in his hand as he paced the living room. “look, we’re all confused. scared, even. but don’t talk nonsense, benjamin.” he grabbed one of his various notebooks from the bookshelf, opening it and scanning a page. it contained information he had collected over the years since the infection started. it’s what made him the head of the group. he was the most informed, the most prepared and willing to make everyone survive in this shit.

rafe leaned forward, one of his hands cupped snugly on rory’s thigh while the other held his head. he glanced at his girlfriend, giving her a soft smile as he rubbed his thumb across her skin. he was upset at himself for not even considering how these past few hours must’ve felt for her.

suddenly, he was craving to have her alone.

rafe slipped his hand into hers as he stood. “it’s been a long, shitty day. it’s late and i’m sure all of us our exhausted, especially rory.”

ryan raised his head from his book, eyes meeting rafe’s before scanning the room. “he’s right. we’ll pick back up on this in the morning. nobody is to enter their bedroom without permission. and lock your doors.. in case..” he trailed off, attempting to carefully choose his next words. “no offense, rory.” he said, his tone genuine as he looked at her.

rory just smiled warmly at him. rafe looked at her the whole time.

rafe trailed his hand down the small of her back once they returned to his room. he spun her around to face him, his hand moving to tuck her hair behind her ear. he was forever infatuated with her, part infected or not. their eyes met and rafe leaned in for a kiss, but rory held a quick finger to his lips.

“aren’t you worried i’ll suddenly turn and bite you?” she asked, her tone slightly humorous but rafe could see through it. she was genuinely worried about snapping and hurting him.

he pulled her finger from his lips, glancing at it before placing a soft kiss to the pad of it. he kissed the palm of her hand, and then looked at her as he placed a firm kiss to her scar.

“there is no part of you that i could ever exclude. if this is what you are now, then it is what i want now.” he said, his eyes glued on her, and her only.

this is lowkey rushed and i might tweak it later but for rn it’ll work 😌

my requests are open!

[clementinebriar]

Graham says the duck thing again, and she almost checks out of the conversation right then and there. It’s only his explanation almost immediately afterward that gets her to stick around, though she does throw Graham a look of slight derision when he further insists his grandmother would like her. Guy probably doesn’t realize just how much he tends to get under people’s skin — thinks she’s starting to get under his, in fact, with her quip about Alec. It’s a fact of life, much like anything else is: the sky is blue, the grass is green, and eventually Clementine Wood gets hard to swallow. So she waves the notion off again, as she’d rather not be humiliated in front of someone the Lacrosse King talks about with such fucking reverence. “I’ll take a rain check,” she says, though doesn’t point out that the rain check will most likely never come. She won’t insult Graham’s intelligence — he could very well know she’s bullshitting him. But the fact remains she doesn’t really care, does she?

She’s especially bitter now that Graham tries to one-up her in terms of friendship with Alec — we go way back, he says, and Clem can do little else but scoff. “Yeah? So why’s he never mentioned you before?” she asks, voice posed as a challenge. “I’ve known him since we were in diapers, Oswald. He’s had plenty of opportunities to say something about you to me.” Alright, that’s unfair. Alec could very well have mentioned Graham at some point to Clementine — and it could have very well been during one of the times she’d tuned him out, which happened more often than not in high school.

But she’s not going to concede to that point — she’s stubborn, and a bitch, and it’s better Graham gets that now than before he wears her down enough to maybe actually get her to accept dinner with him and his grandma. Besides, she and Alec were practically thrust out of their mothers’ wombs inseparable — despite how much shit they give each other, Clementine doesn’t think there’s anyone she’d so readily go to bat for. “So if you’re just making shit up to take the heat off you, try something else,” she sniffs haughtily, taking the photo paper without much fanfare, balancing it against her hip as she gives Graham a long, skeptical once-over. 

Then the guy says sorry, and Clementine wants to pull her hair out. Can’t he just be a dick? It’d be much easier to end this conversation on a less culpable note if he could just stick to being some busy-body asshole who’s been wasting her time. Instead, he’s inviting her to dinner with his grandmother, apologizing for inadvertently insulting the most important person in her life, and still giving her free photo paper. Jesus Christ, Clem’s a fucking monster, comparatively. “Just—” she huffs, frustrated. “Whatever, it’s fine, could you just—” she waves her arms around, photo paper and all, gesturing wildly at the man in front of her. “I don’t know, call me a bitch or something? You’re freaking me out.”

"duck a l'orange," he repeated, as if that would make any difference. "it's roast duck with an orange glaze. a julia child original recipe that will blow your mind!" when clem made the point about graham's grandmother hating her, he couldn't help but laugh a little. nana dottie was a lot of things, but she was even less pretentious than him most of the time. in a lot of ways, she was proper based on old-fashioned notions of how she should act in public. behind closed doors, she was much more relaxed and, honestly, cooler than graham was. "i was just trying to be nice... it's been so long since we actually talked to one another, and my grandmother always says the best way to get to know someone is to share a meal with them," the look on his face could have won him a runner-up title for 'best dejected puppy-like pout.' "nana dottie would not hate you, trust me. i actually think that she'll have wished that she had a grandchild like you. i wouldn't be surprised if she invited you to thanksgiving dinner."

alec was his friend, too, and although it's childish graham couldn't help but feel a bit possessive. "alec and i are 'fucking nerds,' as you so politely put it, together. we go way back, clem," he staked his claim to poking jabs at their shared friend. it wasn't like graham had been such an asshole in high school that he hadn't spent time with kids outside of the jock and cheerleader crowd. he had gone to alec's shows and hung out when it was just the two of them. "i love the guy, i'm not just trying to piss on his intelligence. it was just a joke, okay? even alec laughed it off," he adjusted his tie to avoid saying anything else that might hurt them both. "look, i am sorry... i guess i got too excited about catching up, i didn't think about how talking about your friend might hurt you."

he followed her into the copy room, his attention directed towards a fresh ream of the photo paper she had come for in the first place. "right, sorry, i forgot," he sheepishly apologized for the third time in the past couple of minutes. "i'm happy to supply photo paper whenever you need to stop by city hall. no one really uses the stuff anymore, anyways. we mostly use regular printer paper." graham grabbed the brand spanking new ream, plus the already opened stack, and handed them to clem. "i'm sorry for all the hassle, hopefully this was worth the walk and talk," he added as the fourth in a long line of owed apologies.

[voulezloux]

tw abuse in the tags

[dont-offend-the-bees]

Fuck I hate being an adult. I need a more adult adult to help with the volatile emotional situation.

[clubsmarties]

"No one but you just had this look, like I don't know, it affected you worse than it would have anyone else. It was the look." Could he have been talking nonsense, sure if he was anyone else but Wally caught things from her. He paid attention when he really looked at her. He gave a shrug afterwards not realizing that this wasn't the normal and it could get coughed up to just an agent doing what they did. They were paid to be detail oriented.

He really looked at her past the dress and the way she looked. All of that was nice but there was something in the way she radiated that captivated his attention. Her soft smile made his appear as he nodded and brought his glance down to his hands. "Sure," he whispered as his eyes now took deep interest in his wrist. He did wonder what it would have been like to tuck a stray hair over her ear. If this crush, no it had to have been more than that. It had been more than a few weeks and he still couldn't get her out of his damn mind. Now they were here where she was thinking he didn't believe in her capabilities.

He appreciated the fact she brought him the muffin. His eyes saw where she had put it and thanked her. Going back to what she had said he sighed and took a beat. "I'm not—" his face scrunched up slightly as he ripped the skin off the edge of his nails as he paused and breathed through his nose. "I'm not disputing that. I asked you to come because I knew what I was getting. My belief in you knowing how to do what you do was never in question. I am taking you seriously but I also worry about you. Do you know how that'd make me feel if you got killed because of me? Because you said yes to helping me out? You didn't need to accept but you did anywa. No one has ever been that selfless to help when they didn't need to. It isn't even dangerous because of these bozos out there, trust me I'd take them over my boss any fucking day. Please don't think I'm disputing the fact you can take care of yourself, I'm not. I know you can. This kid is a priority yes, but so is your well being."

His head went back to the mini trail off she did in the middle of her sentence. "Since you what?" Another sigh. "My boss, Karina." How would he even explain this whole bitch to her when he couldn't even describe her without wanting to put a fork through his eyes. "You said Nolan, right? I have a very deep rooted feeling he is a plant coming from her. That's why I think he went and touched you."

"I asked you to come because you're the best at what you do. You don't just look at things in one set ways. I need that. I didn't ask you to come because I wanted to prove I'm better or stronger than you. I don't do that bullshit. I need help and admitting that is hard enough to be honest but here it is. This kid seems like it'll be the first time we won't get her in time. This ring is three steps ahead and I can't help but think it's because they have inside help. As for the rookie by the way she vanished into thin air again. I don't think she's innocent." This was the first time he ever let his walls of having it handled down. To show that weight he actually carried around him. This was one of those moments he wanted to check himself out.

Shaking his head he didn't want her to leave. "You won't hear a peep out of me from now on. Please do what you know how to do. All I ask is that you be careful. I do actually care about your well being."

"Didn't appreciate?" The words were repeated back to herself unsure of what was happening. "Who appreciates a stranger touching them at all?" He wasn't wrong, the touch had caught her off guard and left her a bit off her game the day before. It was something that she had shaken off with last night's rude awakenings. She wouldn't make that mistake again, she'd make sure he'd make it out alive, she wouldn't let her guard down and she wouldn't let him down.

The way he shook his head at her, upset her for a moment but she had to remind herself of everything she learned since arriving here. There was so much already going wrong for him, she needed to stop being one of the things fighting against him she was here to help. Despite calling him on his previous promise, guilt knotted in her. She hated this. As he moved she started to walk over to help him like she had last night only to find herself stopping in her tracks as he looked her over. Whenever anyone looked her up and down she knew how to play, how to move and place herself to make them like what they saw, but it felt different right now. She didn't know what he was thinking. Her breath caught in her throat awaiting what he had to say, only to find herself giving him a soft smile. "Thanks."

Rolling her eyes at the cinnamon sugar comment, like she could ever forget that he was allergic to that, she began to make her way to the door. "I think I saw some in the kitchen. Let me get one for you and a cup of coffee. And then we'll talk before I head out." Before he could say anything, she made her way downstairs to the kitchen. It would give her time to think over how to say things nicely.

As the coffee brewed, she took the same ingredients from last night, minus the chocolate to make a muffin in a mug instead. Granted it would be a lot plainer than the chocolate one from last night, it would still be what he wanted. After the coffee and the muffin were ready she took a deep breath and headed up to talk to him. As much as she hated having to work with someone else, this was his case.

Had someone tried to save her from Jennifer as a kid, she would have hoped they had someone helping them to make sure it had happened. As much as she pretended to not care, she did. It was why she took on people's cases when they came to her at barely a payable wage. She kept the office floating with all her old aliases saved stashes for now. She was their last resort and knew that she needed to help however she could. Settling with her best friend had been the worst thing to happen to her.

"Look Wally," she said started as she made her way back into the room. Settling the mug of coffee and the muffin in a mug on the nightstand next to the bed she crossed he arms and said her piece. "I don't think you're taking this seriously. You're not taking me seriously. Not only can I handle myself I am really good at what I do. You have a kid and an agent out there and I am here to help. Now," She sat on the edge of the bed. "I am walking out there today and I am going to accidentally bump into Nolan, whether you like it or not. And I am going to do what I do best. What I know to do since I," was a kid, she stopped herself. "For a really long time. Now I need you to level with me and tell me what it is you need me to get from him to save this kid. Because as I see it the kid is priority one. If you tell me to not help in anyway, that I need to just 'enjoy myself' then I will leave. And I mean leave back to my office. If you don't let me help then what is the purpose of me being here, Wally? Why the hell ask me to come in the first place?"

Sighing, she stood up. "So, tell me. Am I packing my things and leaving or am I going out there to do what I know how to do? "

[pollenallergie]

“do the hardest task first”

no. just… no.

hot take: this doesn’t work for people with adhd (in my experience/from what i’ve heard from other people with adhd in my life). i recommend doing the easy/moderately difficult stuff first, that way you can convince yourself that it’s all going to be this easy and undemanding. then hyper-focus will kick in because your brain is like, “yeah, we can do this, we’ve got this.” then, before you know it, you’ve completed both the easy tasks and the hard tasks while hyperfocusing.

like, on a serious note, it’s always been easier for me to convince myself to get the most difficult tasks done when i’m already working/in the working frame of mind, not when i’m laying in bed or sitting on the couch, mindlessly scrolling through stuff on my phone, and struggling to start at all.

if the choice comes down to you not starting at all or starting with the easiest task first (which, for me, it often does), always, always pick starting with the easiest task first. sometimes you need a small victory, a little bit of an accomplishment, to give you the courage to take on bigger challenges.

[pageofheartdj]

You know it's annoying how people accept gender being a complex thing. How the way you identify and the way you present are not the same. How complicated and fluid your gender can be.

And then turn around and deny ALL of it for sexuality. That sexuality is binary and strict.

[giantkillerjack]

Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.

Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!

Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!

If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

[openpassionates]

VENUS COULDN'T SAY for certain that she would've declined his request to go on a date while he was married. almost everything that they're talking about is hypothetical. she knows for sure that she would've been okay with a confession about him liking her, but the date was questionable. "that doesn't explain you sitting hours through a wedding for liv but okay." she becomes short with him. venus caught on to his slip up of calling her by her nickname and she believes he's dancing around the subject again. his question about her cleverly said insult causes venus to laugh but she shakes her head to play it off. "i am. because you keep doing dumb things." she owns up to it. "rafael, i need you to be so serious right now. i'm not trying to reassure you. you keep asking me if i like him so i told you the level of extent i'd go with him. you got your damn answer so what's the problem? if you like me then you shouldn't need reassurance anyway. you're being so insecure and unreasonable that you're not even listening to what i'm saying and honestly, it's pissing me the fuck off and you're about to get out of this tent and join gavin." she warns him. her tone has edge to it but she's not yelling at him surprisingly. her frustration is visible and that's good enough for her. "if i'm telling you i wouldn't date him again because of my experience with him, you should accept that because i'm opening up to you and you've damn sure haven't been opening up to me and returning that same energy. your concerns are bullshit. whatever issue you had about olivia, i'm not that so don't bring it over here." venus doesn't mind calling him out. she never imagined speaking to rafael out of all people in this way but she doesn't like when people don't hear her out. she's been shut down her entire life, from growing up to being in bad relationships. "if you're jealous then just say it but don't act like i give you reasons to be. i already told you i'm single and i'm gonna do single things. we're in no relationship. now, if we were in a relationship then that would be a different story. but me being on good terms with an ex is just that and nothing else to it. being attracted to him and saying i'd sleep with him is a duh type of moment because he's an ex of mine. that doesn't mean i will. attraction doesn't mean i'd drop everything and go be with someone. isn't that what you think about your precious liv, your ex wife who had to contact you because you sleeping with her was so recent that you came into question when it came to who the father could be?"

"i don't think i was ready to face you saying no to me saying i liked you and asking you on a date, while i was still married… i don't know-" he sighs, drumming his fingers on his knees. he’s anxiously listening to her. there's so much tension radiating from this conversation, and rafael can't seem to de-escalate the issues they're having. he somehow keeps putting his foot in his mouth. "my feelings for li— olivia— have changed drastically over the course of this entire year and even before the papers were drawn up, even before we separated and while we were trying to work on things. it has little to do with me liking you. it’s not really about that.” he looks over at her for a second before continuing. “if olivia and i were able to fix what was already broken in our relationship… before i developed these feelings for you, and i wanted her, then yes… i’d use that logic, but the feelings are not there. maybe some nostalgia, but i’ve let that go.” he can understand why she doesn’t think he’s over olivia, but there’s nothing between them anymore, but memories now. “at the time of the wedding i was mad, now i just… i don’t know? i’m not angry really. i like you, she’s getting married and having a baby. i’m here, she’s there.” he tries to explain how he feels in the most honest way possible, but seeing. how she responds to everything he has said, he doesn’t know how she’ll take it. “are you calling me dumb?” he asks seriously with a straight face. “you still talk to christopher vee, it’s different. you also just talked to him today. you say nothing more is there romantically— okay. you’re still attracted to him, and you’d still sleep with him. as someone who strives to one day be committed to you, that’s not reassuring? nor is it making the friends thing less alarming. i think i can be ok with it, i really like you. i wouldn’t let something like that ruin everything but i have my concerns