#but i just wouldnt be able to take that kind of heartache.

[wolfwarrior142]

Callum has asked Rayla twice now to kill him if he's ever corrupted again. This time as like a barter. And this time, despite looking devastated, she finally (begrudgingly) agrees. And later this season, Callum is cleared of his dark magic corruption, but it also warned that if he does dark magic again it'll overwhelm him.

Man my dreams have already been haunted enough by death foreshadowing I can't take much more of it for these two.

[letstalkaboutshtufff]

Geralt x Injured reader part 1

Part 2

Pairing: Geralt x reader (self insert)

Warnings: swearing, injury, blood, I think that's all?

Summary: Reader is feeling jealous and wanders too far from camp.

*********************

Hey guys! This is like my first fanfiction ever. And I wrote it at like 3am when I couldn't sleep. It's probably trash but if you like it I do have ideas for more! Xoxo enjoy****

Geralt x injured reader part 1

Jealousy was not a pretty color on you. And you swore riot yourself it was no such thing. After all Geralt of Rivia was just a teacher/friend you were travelling with. You had some skill with a sword, he found you trying to take down a kikkemora all by yourself, and failing miserably. After you saw how skilled he was you begged him to take you with him, to train you. He said no of course, so you just kept tagging along without his consent. At some point though he finally decided that if you were gonna come along you might as well be of some use so you made a deal.

Over the months you grew stronger but still had much to learn. After all it takes years for anyone to become a great fighter. And luckily for you, Geralt had many many many years of experience to offer you.

You enjoyed the time you spent togther, the conversation, (although you did most of the talking..) and the training, he was one of the few people in your life you felt comfortable with. Someone you could always count on. And somewhere along your travels the line between student and teacher blurred for you into something else, although you did your best to deny it at first.

You had gone off and caught feelings for the man who had no interest in real committed relationships. You knew you had it bad when you found yourself overflowing with irritation when he spent his nights in the arms of some whore at a dirty brothel.

On those nights you drank until you passed out on roach. Pretty fucking pathetic y/n.

Then came along the witch, Yennefer..

You saw how they looked at eachother, a look you'd wish Geralt would give you even for a fleeting moment.

There were creatures that had been attacking the villagers at night, so the three of you, well four since Jaskier decided to tag along when he spotted us, were tracking these monsters into the forest. You didnt mind Jaskier at all, his songs a welcome distraction from the obvious growing bond between Geralt and Yennefer.

You felt horrible for the animosity you felt towards her. She did nothing wrong and you hated that if not for your jealousy, you probably would have been close friends.

If you were a better women you could get over your silly crush and focus on your training but...

Yeah you had some growing to do. After searching the forest for a few hours, and finding nothing, everyone was tired and decided to set up camp.

Once Geralt tied down roach, he turned to address the group, "Everyone is to stay in camp, these monsters are dangerous, so if you need to take a piss, I suggest you do it behind a tent, unless you wanna risk getting your head shot off" he said rather gruffly.

Jaskier made a sound of discomfort and scooted closer to the fire.

"Dont worry jaskier, I'll protect you" you giggled.

He turned to you in amusement, "Ah yes how does go the training y/n, last I saw you, you could barely lift your sword" he teased.

"I've gotten rather good, mind if I practice on you?" You teased.

"Thanks but I think I better go and get my beauty sleep, good night" he smiled and retreated into his tent.

You went to feed roach some apples when you noticed that Geralt and Yennefer had dissapeared.

Huh? Where did they go? At first you thought they were in trouble since you didnt hear either of them say goodnight but as you got closer to the middle of camp you heard voices coming from Yennefers tent.

You told yourself not to look but you couldn't help it. And the instant you did you felt your heart break. It was one thing to see him in the arms of a whore. You knew they meant nothing to him, but in the arms of someone he cares for? That hurt...

Roughly you turned away from the kissing couple and marched away. Away from camp, away from stupid feelings and dumb petty jealousy.

It was not yennefers fault she was beautiful and powerful and brilliant. And if you were jealous then you should become just as amazing as she is. Maybe then he would notice you...

You were snapped out of your reverie when a rustle in the bushes caught your attention.

Fuck I was not supposed to leave camp...

Thinking quickly, you unsheathed your sword and held it at the ready. Its sharp edge gleaming in the moonlight.

Eyes narrowing at the bush. A moment later you were relived when a rabbit hopped out.

Phew I thought It was--

*SCRAWWWWWWWWCH*

Fuck

You barely missed the creatures slimy claws as it swiped for your head. Jumping to the side you managed to get a good look at the beast. It was rather large and spider looking, with several disgusting sets of beady eyes and a long slithering tough that dripped of something purple. So geralt was right, the creature lurking here was a visser. (Completely made it up on the spot) They're claws are sharp and quick but it's the tongue you have to watch our for. One jab, although not fatal can leave a man in bed for days from pain. 2 jabs in the same place? then your a goner. And the visser is known to be smarter, he distracts with claws and jabs quickly before you can even blink.

You knew you should probably yell for your companions. There was a chance they could hear you. But that very second you thought of yennefer and how she would be able to take on a monster like this.

That made up your mind...this monster was going to be your kill... youd finish this off and prove that you had gotten stronger if it's the last thing you do.

Although that would kind of defeat the purpose...

"Urgh" you landed roughly on the ground, one of its claws managed to swipe at you.

"Ok no more misses nice gal" regainging your stance, the glint of the moon shone on your opponent. With a visser you had a few options. Option 1, go for the head which kills instantly but the risk of a jab is highest.

Option 2 is cut off all the legs quickly then send your sword through the head. But if it dodges... you're dead meat.

Option 3, try to get under the beast where its tongue cant reach you and strike upwards. With your small stature option 3 sounded the smartest. You just had to move fast enough where it wouldnt be able to see you for a split second.

Alright y/n dont let your training go to waste! This is your chance to prove yourself.

Running faster than you've ever ran before, you circled around the visser waiting for when the creature was even a second slow and could not see you. The right moment was.....

Now! You sprinted forward and slid under its legs.

"Scrawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaachh" the monster howled in pain as you slammed your sword directly up getting covered in visser guts in the process.

"Blegh how disgusting.." you swiped the guts off your face and stood in front of the slain beast.

For once in a long time you felt proud of yourself. You slayed a monster all by yourself, even Geralt said you hadn't been ready yet and often told you to stay back during fights. But he would have to eat up his words now hehe. You could just imagine everyone's faces when you would tell them.

You were too wrapped up in your glory to notice a second visser sneaking up behind you.

By the time you heard its screech, it was too late. Its slimy black tongue had struck your stomach leaving a sizzling pain behind it.

"FUCK" unsheathing your sword again, you tried to maneuver far enough out of its reach to thing of a plan. There was no way you could pull on option 3 again with the way your core burned. One more jab and it would be over. Damn it! why couldn't you just have your victory and be done with it!

One hand clutched at your injury while the other was positioned weakly in front of you. Your eyes blurred slights but you refused to let this shit swamp be your final resting place.

The burning subsided to an ache and you used that opportunity to make a mad dash into the thicket. You needed to think of a plan and quick, it would not take long for the visser to catch up with you, especially now that you had that stupid injury.

"Srawwwwwwwwwch" it sounded like it was right behind you. Fuck fuck fuck.

And then because mother nature decided to be a BITCH, you tripped on a large tree root and tumbled forward.

"Scraeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech" you flipped over quickly and shut your eyes as the visser was basically on top of you. 3 more seconds and you would be dead.

3, how pathetic y/n, after all these promises you made to yourself about becoming someone worth being proud of you fuck up the one chance you had.

2, maybe it's better this way, would anyone even miss you? Jaskier would, maybe he would even write a song about you..

1, I'm sorry I was an idiot...Geralt I'll watch over you...

"SWOOOOOOOOSH" the unmistakable sweet sound of metal slicing through flesh made your eyes shoot wide open.

"Geralt!" He stood out of breath hovering over the now beheaded visser. His sharp golden eyes moved from the beast, to you.

Without a word he reached over and pulled you up without a hint of gentleness. You hid your wince at the sudden movement. Not wanting to let anyone know that the visser had gotten the better of you.

"What happened" he bit out slowly. Fuck he was angry. "Why did you leave camp y/n when I explicitly told you not to" his feline eyes bore into yours and suddenly you felt too intimated and looked away.

Ah yes what excuse will I come up with now. Sorry Geralt I had to leave because I felt immense pressure and heartache seeing you and Yennefer over there locking lips and most passionately I might add.

When he noticed my hesitation he let out a growl, "Hmm, don't lie to me"

Fuuuuuuuuuck...

"I-I didnt mean to, really... I couldn't sleep so I was walking close to camp and I didnt even realize I had wandered so far until the other visser attacked." You looked him in the eyes knowing it would better your chances of him believing it.

He stared at you a few more seconds before letting out a sigh.

" You killed it" he said bluntly, and softer than before.

"I did.." you couldn't help the small smile that formed on your face. He sighed again, this time he had a small smirk on his face, "Well I guess you have learnt some things after all" he patted your shoulder but pulled away when Yennefer and Jaskier appeared.

"Y/n thank god your alive, are you alright?!" Jaskier grabbed your shoulders and scanned you for injuries. Luckily your stomach was covered by your armor, visser Jabs were known for hurting like hell at first, seeming to get better shortly after, then coming back tenfold. Right now you were at stage two, the calm before the storm..

Yennefer made a comment about how impressive you were to slay the visser and you hated yourself for still feeling ill towards her. She was a great person and you could not blame Geralt for liking her. It was just an unfortunate situation.

The walk back was quiet and the second you were in your tent again you dared to take a look at the wound. Gingerly you unbuckled your armor and lifted up your shirt.

You let out a small sigh of relief. It just looked like a large bruise. Nothing you couldn't pass off as a "I fell off roach" kinda injury.

As positive as you tried to be, you knew the worst was yet to come. But by god you were not about to let your victory be ruined by your companions knowing of this. Especially since Yennefer and Geralt could've slain the beast without a scratch.

Somehow you were lucky and slept the rest of the night in peace. It was early when jaskier came to wake you. Although you slept plenty, you felt just as exausted as you did after your late night encounter.

Before putting on your armor, you dared to look at the wound again. You regretted it the moment you did.

Fuck me... the bruise was much darker than before and covered a larger area. As for the pain, it felt only slightly more sore which was good for now. The last thing you wanted was for anyone to find out about it.

Quickly you threw togther the rest of your things and met the others. According to the village leader there was one more visser out there so we continued our search deeper into the forest. It was around noon when the pain intensified. It started as a constant dull ache but gradually became a burning sensation. It was becoming harder to hide it.

You made up some excuse to the group and sat on top of roach. You were sure if you had to walk anymore you would have fallen over. Luckily for awhile jaskier was more preoccupied with his latest ballad and geralt and yen were wrapped up in some serious conversation. You didnt realize how far you were lagging behind until jaskier turned to you.

"Y/n?" He walked over to you and pulled on roaches reigns making him go a little faster.

"Hm" was all you could manage.

"Are you alright? You're sweating so much"

Confused you ran a hand over your head. He was right, you were and didnt even feel it.

"Yo- sic- rest-" what? Why was Jaskier talking gibberish...and why is he so blurry?

You didnt even feel yourself pitching to the side, just the woosh of air through your ears.

"Y/N!? Y/N what's wrong?!?!" Jaskier barely managed to catch your half conscious form. "GERALT!" The witcher swung around sword at the ready but widened his eyes in shock at what he saw.

Y/n was on the floor, breathing heavily and being propped up by Jaskier.

Geralt and Yennefer quickly ran over. The witchers eyes narrowed in concern when he saw the state of her. She was sweating profusely and looked to be struggling with something. Yennefer raised a hand to her forehead but shook her head. "Its not a fever".

Geralt held her up, lightly smacking her face, he grew even more worried when she didnt react.

"Jaskier what happened"

"I don't know, I noticed she was falling behind so I went to check on her, then I noticed she looked sick, I was telling her we should stop and rest but then she just collapsed. She seemed really out of it too.

At that moment a grunt of pain escaped y/n's lips, and her eyes slowly opened.

You were confused as to why when you opened your eyes, gerald's golden ones were staring at yours with intense concern.

"Y/n can you hear me??" he questioned furrowing his brows.

"I-I ahhhgh" you screwed your eyes shut as the pain intensified. It felt like someone had set your stomach on fire.

This only confused geralt more, "you're hurt" he said as more of a statement.

"Where is the pain y/n," the gentle voice of yennefer surrounded you. Ugh why couldn't she just be a bitch, it would make things so much easier.

You tried speaking but a moan left your lips instead. Fuck this hurt worse than anything you had encountered before.

Geralt closed his eyes as if he had a sudden realization, "you got hit by the visser didnt you"

When you didnt speak but he saw the look in your eyes he knew it was true. "Fuck".

Quickly he began removing your armor and saw the injury peeking from under your shirt. He wasted no time lifting it up just until below your chest. You heard small gasps but were too out of it to know from who.

"Fuck y/n, why didn't you say anything??" Geralt scolded as he examined the wound.

Luckily you didnt have to answer, just focus on breathing heavily.

"Will she be alright?!" The frantic voice of jaskier floated through your ears.

"It would have been better if she told us from the beginning, with a visser attack you need to stay still as much as you can. However by the looks of it she only got hit once, which means she still has a chance."

"What can we do?" Was it yennefer or jaskier who said that?

Geralt pulled a sack from roach and rummaged through it till he pulled out a yellowish filled bottle.

Lifting y/n with one arm he pulled the cork with his teeth and gently placed it between her lips. "Drink y/n" without a second thought you downed the strange liquid coughing as it burned your throat like liquor.

"What is that?" Jaskier asked curiously.

" it's for the pain, it'll make her feel like shes dreaming." Geralt threw her armor onto roach and lifted her up carefully into his arms. "Let's go" he ordered and the troup was once again on their way. Geralt gave one look at the now sleeping y/n and sighed. What was she thinking?

***************************

When you opened your eyes the first thing you did was let out a girlish laugh.

Geralt was surprised for a moment since you had been silently resting in his arms for a long time. "Y/n?"

"Geralt! You've dyed your hair pink! How adorable!" You reached up and pulled at the cotton soft locks.

The witcher sighed, knowing this was the effect of the medicine. Jaskier and yennefer let out a small laugh at the scene of the two.

"Go back to sleep y/n, you need rest" he commanded softly.

"GERALT!" you suddenly exclaimed! "Oh no you cant be the white wolf anymore! Oh no oh no oh no WAIT I GOT IT! YOU CAN BE THE PINK PONY! QUICK JASKIER WRITE THIS DOWN!!"

"Ah yes the witcher, pink pony of the north, has a nice ring to it" jaskier couldn't contain his laughter.

Geralt decide it best to ignore her and keep walking forward.

"Geralt?" He chose to ignore her again. "Geralt....?"

"Gerrrrrallllllt?"

"GERALT!"

"Geralt geralt geralt geralt geralt geralt"

"What?!" He bit out annoyed.

"Do you think I'm pretty? hehe" he was caught off guard and was not sure how to answer. It didnt help the other two were just giggling behind him.

"I um....yeah" he said awkwardly.

"So I dont look like a troll?" You asked earnestly.

"Pfft what?" Now geralt was the one who couldn't control his laughter.

"Don't laugh!" You suddenly pouted. "A long time ago one of my lovers said I looked like a troll when he broke up with me.."

Still amused geralt shifted you to meet his eyes, "No y/n, you do not look like a troll"

"Phew thank god, I dont know what I would have done..." you laid a hand against your head dramatically.

"Now will you please stop squirming and go back to sleep" geralt sighed out.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm......alright I've decided to go to sleep since I need sleep and it's what I have decided" you saluted the air.

"Finally.." he grumbled.

With a smile you reached both arms around his neck and brought your soft lips to his unshaven cheek.

"Goodnight pinky, sweet creams" he was shocked for a moment then let out an exasperated laugh.

"Goodnight y/n...sweet creams"

******************

To be continued in part 2!

[3starjeneral]

Water Water, Everywhere

A little missing scene from "Descent" thats been in my brain for a while.

**************************

Of all the ways to go, this wasnt how he expected it to happen. He's survived so much pain, so much heartache, and what is going to get him in the end is something as simple as water. Cold water. Lots and lots of fucking cold water. What was it with them and the cold? First the ice cave, now this? He'd laugh if they werent so totally fucked. The doors had sealed to contain the breech, trapping them in this slowly filling coffin, and he could feel himself starting to panic. Feel the familiar tightening in his chest. Sam, he notices, is punching the control panel by the door, frantically entering sequence after sequence of codes, and that worries him even more than the ankle deep water. She is losing her cool, and that never happens. 

"I'm sorry, Sir. I can't bypass the system locally" she says, sounding defeated, and for the first time in a long time, afraid.

He nods at her and places a hand on her shoulder to ground her " "Deep breaths Carter. Dont panic just yet, ok, you with me?"

Knee deep.

"Yes sir" she replies, trying unsuccessfully to slow her breathing rate down to something resembling  normal. 

"Jacob?"

The water has risen rapidly and is now waist high on him, a little higher on Carter. 

"Jack, I'm going try to find a back door to the program."

"How long's that gonna take? I'm looking at some major shrinkage here."

He chances a tiny embarrassed grin at Carter, a coy head tilt and the corner of her lips twitch.

'Success' he thinks .The radio crackles and Jacobs voice fills the room again.  

"I don't know, this is kind of a unique situation. Give me a few minutes."

"Hey Carter, How long do you figure it'll take for this thing to fill up?"

"A few more minutes, Sir"

"Yep, ok heres what we're gonna do. We need to take these", he pulls at his tac vest and P90, "off. Take anything off that'll weight you down."

The water is now at chest height for him, chin for her. She is bobbing up and down in the water, leaning down to undo her leg holster, unclipping straps, tac vest and weapons dropping slowly through the water to the ground below with a soft 'thud'

"Next time we crash our brand new mothership, what do you say we do it in the tropics?" 

Stranded in the tropics with Carter wouldnt be the worst thing that could happen to him.

"Actually, Sir, it wouldn't make a difference. At this depth, all water is ice cold." 

He smiles, even in peril, she can't help stating the facts. "Shallower water, then…shallower."

"Yes, Sir. I'll keep that in mind" she says, nodding 

"Or we could just not crash at all. It would be nice to keep our nice new mothership more than a couple of hours"

"Yes, Sir."

He looks at her and feels a pang of guilt and regret. Guilt that hes never told her how he feels about her, because she deserves to know. Regret that he's never told her how important she is to him and taken the chance of being happy with her.

"Carter, Sam, if we don't make it out of this, just know that I've wanted to kick the door of that room down so many times..." he says through chattering teeth. 

"I know Sir, me too, more times than I care to admit" she replies.

They're floating in the water, their heads in the space between the water and the ceiling. 

Sam takes a deep breath as Jack shouts "Your dad's cutting it a little clo…" before they're both submerged fully in the water. 

They claw at the ceiling, punching it, trying frantically to escape but nothing happens. Nothing. He curses Jacob, curses him for being her dad, curses him for probably reminding her of the frat regs one too many times. For being the stubborn airforce General he is. For not being able to help them. Damn him. Then he curses himself for not having had the courage to speak to Jacob about his feelings for his daughter. Selmak would have mellowed him, he would have understood, offered the guidance he so desperately needed. Jack feels light headed. He thinks of Charlie, of his mom, his dad, his sister, all gone before him and wonders idly, though hes never been a religious man, if there is a heaven. He silently hopes there is, which surprises him, and that they'll be waiting for him, when this water claims him. The thought gives him a modicum of comfort.

Her hand brushes against his abdomen and his focus is pulled back to her, her hair floating angelically in the water, her eyes full of terror. 

In a split second, he knows what to do. He reaches for her, grabbing her hand and pulls her closer. He holds her face in his two hands and she graps his waist to keep them together. He leans into her and kisses her softly. 

If shes taken aback, she doesnt show it and her fingers dig into his waist a little tighter. 

His hands move to her cheeks and around their lips and he creates a vacuum, then breathes the last remaining air in his lungs into her mouth. Her eyes open suddenly when she realises what hes done her head shakes frantically and she wraps her arms around his neck and holds him close, foreheads leaning on each other, when he releases her face and nods slowly at her.

He figures, if hes going to die, that this is the best way to go, in the  arms of the woman he loves but cant have. They float motionless, staring at each other for what feels like minutes, but is, in reality, only several seconds. Bubbles rise from her mouth as she blows out the smallest amount of oxygen, both of them desperately fighting the urge to take a deep cleansing breath. She tries to lean into him, to replenish his lungs with what little she has left in hers, but he shakes his head stubbornly, and leans his torso back, out of her reach. They hear the muffled sound of Jacob saying "Sam..." and then his strangled "I'm sorry" and he knows there's no hope left. He pulls her close, places a kiss to her neck, holds her as tightly as he can, closes his eyes and as calmly as is possible, waits for the inevitable to happen.

But it doesnt. 

Instead, theres a loud bang when the doors suddenly start to open, and the water starts draining from the room. They release each other and gasp for air when the water dips below their faces. She starts to cough loudly and he holds her above the water level until her feet can touch the ground.

"Sir..." she begins.

"Lets just add that to the ever growing room, ok?" He says still half gasping for air, in between words, reaching under the water for his vest while she does the same. "Now is not the time for this conversation."

"Ok", she says, sounding little less sure than him. 

"Jack! Sam! Come in!" They hear Jacob shouting into the radio.

"Dad, this is Sam. We're okay!"

"Thank God, Sam, you really had me worried "

"Tell him I take back everything I was thinking when I was underwater." Jack says. 

But not what I did, he thinks...

Never what I did.

[infantacarlota]

literally everyone: can u for once if your miserable life stop with the sad ansty shit  me:  

time: c. late 2016 riley can meet me in a mcdonalds parking lot and fight me on this later if she wants characters mentioned: @ofcosima, @princetomas

There’s something special about all of the fancy formal and informal highly decorated parties and events taking place towards the end of the year. 

There was a time in her teenage years when she had stopped feeling this way ( at that point in her life being surrounded by people only made her feel more alone ), but she was glad that wave of depressing isolating disenchantment seemed to have passed and be well behind her. Not even know did she feel tempted to circle back to it; while the last handful of years had had their downside moments, they been good to her, sometimes better than she felt deserving of. 

It was nice to be able to catch up with those she didn’t get to see as often, even if only in a superficial manner, and comforting to realise that time and distance don’t matter when it comes to some friendships. 

It was perhaps a little sad or even pathetic to admit it, even if only to herself and nobody else, but she had needed this - was thankful for it. All the mingling and socialising and re-connecting and helping out and offering support to other’s when needed ( because in these events, after glasses of Moët & Chandon, feelings often get the best of people ), it was all helping keeping her busy and distracted. 

At the very least, she could thank Tommy’s parents ( whom, truly, she was still fond of ) for that. The holidays themselves were going to be painful, she had been bracing herself as best as she could for it, but until then she didn’t have much time to sit around dwelling on how her life had so suddenly been thrown upside down for there were too many events and parties to attend to or help plan. Not that the heartache she woke up with, carried with her all day, and said goodnight to every night ever let her forget it, anyway. 

These days, she had been trying to think of the pain that made it seem like one of her limbs was missing as a friend - as a reminder that it only hurt was much as it did because it was had been something good and real.

( And my God, she misses it every day and it hurts so overwhelmingly much everywhere all the time - even when she happens to laugh the underlying pain is still present. And not having a best friend there with her any longer makes it all a thousand times more difficult to bear. )

She doesn’t believe that she’ll ever not what to share things with him ( even the smallest most mundane things at times ), but she hoped that one day thinking of the pain as something good would help make everything easier. That it would help her no longer feel like something had struck her in the chest leaving her forgetting for to breathe for a second when she remembered she no longer could just call or text or want to see him. 

Because she still did.  

And it was such an excruciating journey to go through time and time again; the innate knee-jerk reaction to want to tell him about something or simply ask him about his day, only for a second later to dawn on her that she couldn’t, or rather, shouldn’t. She still spoke to him when they happened to be thrown under the same roof, all quick and polite conversation, desperately attempting to maintain some sort of normalcy, as if it was possible to act the same way she did before they had been together. 

But was easier for both of them to keep a distance, Carlota had easily and gladly respected that. It didn’t feel like it, not in the least, but it was. 

He wasn’t here tonight however ( and she suspected Cosima wasn’t either ) but was going to have to face him again eventually and in a bittersweet way she didn’t mind it - seeing him would hurt, but she also missed being in his presence. 

She could swear that even in the noisiest of rooms, the quietest voice could mention his name that her ears would somehow be able to hear it, and she always stops everything she’s doing and thinking about to try to listen. Even when she’s speaking to other people her attention always wonders to whatever voices are speaking his name - she can’t ever keep herself from paying attention to what’s being said about him. 

Maybe she should, but he’s still a dear friend ( he’ll always be a dear friend, he’ll always have a part of her heart ), even if they haven’t talked in a while.

Nothing could prepare her to hear Cosima’s name in the same sentence as Tommy’s though.  

                    “I swear. Cosima. From Andorra.”

It hits her like a mallet to the temple and suddenly it’s as though the air had been sucked out of the room, leaving her feeling slightly dizzy. 

All at once she feels the pain of Cosima’s sudden and inexplicable ghosting, the pain of when Tomás told her they had to end things ---- and now the pain of hearing the two of them are together.

It’s heartbreak all over again only this time times three, and Carlota stands very still, not even daring to open her mouth, afraid that if she makes the slightest of movements she’ll disintegrate into a million pieces.

          “She’s pretty.”

                   “Kinda crazy if you ask me.”

         “You always think every woman is kind of crazy then wonder why they won’t date you.”

                               “I think she’s a mama’s girl.”

It’s an awful thing and she hates herself for it, but doubt and insecurity immediately begin to cloud her mind like they hadn’t in years, and she can’t help but wonder if Cosima and Tommy had been together before...

No. She admonishes herself. 

Tomás wouldn’t have done that to her, he would never cheat on her or lie to her, and, despite all that happened ( and which she’s still struggling to wrap her head around ), she wants to believe Cosima wouldn’t have either. 

                  “Wait, don’t you know her Car?”

All eyes turn to her and the world begins moving at a regular pace again.  

Carlota reminds herself to breathe. Slowly.

She was like a sister to me, she thinks. “We were friends.” She replies.

                “Why would you have befriended her?”

        “She befriends everyone. But it’s a gift Car, I don’t have it.” 

                              “That’s because you’re chronically incapable of being nice.”

The voices and their playful bickering become background noise but the grin was still gracing her lips - or rather, now plastered on her lips, but the people around her didn’t seem to notice the slight change. 

A part of her was thankful for it.

Another wanted to fall on the floor with her flowy Elie Saab dress pooling around her like a kind of protective shield, uncontrollably sobbing her heart out and to hell with whoever saw it and what they thought.

She can feel her chest collapsing in on itself.

Breathe, she reminds herself again. She had learned many things during her three years ( which felt more like a whole lifetime ) with Tommy and how to breathe when the world seems to be falling apart had been one of them. 

Breathe.

“I should go check on my sister.” 

It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. She repeats the worlds time and time again inside her brain as she walks away, her hands tightly holding the flute of champagne close to her chest. Not tonight, she concedes, but it’ll be fine it’ll be fine it’ll be fine . 

[222tattedonme]

letter for joeyଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ̀ˋ

im writing this down for you and at the time you are reading this, i hope you have enjoyed our date yesterday. i wish i could create something to express the way i feel but no amount of paint could capture my heart when i think of you. sometimes its difficult to understand how i feel about someone. its difficult for me to understand myself in general; but when i really think about it, i know how i feel about you. i realized i love you when you become my thoughts when i wake up and my last before i sleep. i realized that youre the only thing that hasnt left my mind ever since i first kissed you. the more time i spend with you and the more of my thoughts you consume i feel myself falling even harder. saying that i love you just wouldnt be enough. there is so much more to just falling in love with you; im falling in love with everything about you. when i say you have the cutest face, i mean it. your smile with those lips that i cant help but always desire a kiss. your laughter that could erase all of my pain. your touch is poetry i want to write. so gentle, never ceasing to give a sense of security. you are beyond a euphoric sensation for me;  and i feel so lucky to have you, it is a privilege to be able to know you. to be given the opportunity to love you? beyond a privilege. i wasnt really sure if there was anyone left worth meeting here. you came into my life so unexpectedly. ive never really believed in “coincidences” like these despite my words and how i act. youd think id be all about it; to be a hopeless romantic writing crappy cheesy poetry and to not believe two beautiful souls sharing a magnetic pull. but then there was you. you remind me of so much beauty in the world that i had forgotten about. how much of a coincidence really was it? despite all the trauma and heartache that haunts me, you still manage to pull me in so easily. ive been detesting love for a long time now; i let myself be consumed by grief and apprehensions, yet i dont detest it when it comes to experiencing you. you are a dream that i hope to never wake up from because you are so incompatibility graceful. words are too simple to accurately describe how i see you and it pains me to know you cant experience this through me. though its risky and scary to indulge myself like this in another and render myself so vulnerable. it would be an honor to be loved by you. i adore absolutely everything about you. theres love that people would kill for, and love that people would die for. you, my baby!!!!! you are the kind i would live for. even if i had nothing left to lose. im so in love with you, no amount of stars can match it. ​​all it takes for me to completely set myself burning a thousand stars and dance among the fairies of our infinite galaxy is your lips on mine. if softness becomes an ache, i would ache a lifetime for you, i have met tenderness in all forms but never have i ever seen twice the tenderness of your love for mine, i would kiss my fingertips before they touch yours and i would engrave your name with mine, all this love, all this softness in the entire whole world is small, for all the gentleness my hands hold for yours, each moment spent with you is better than the last one. i love you so much!!!!!!

[sagittariusboyfriend]

so i broke up with my ex in january 2019. i thought it was october 2018 tbh but im a horrible horrible human being i suppose, either that or my mind was already single by then

and i say that in the most honest way possible. i was a shitty boyfriend. i wasnt a shitty person, just a shitty boyfriend. not in the abusive way, of course, but i wasnt in love, i was cheating (again, and thats a fucking story in itself), and i was only able to treat my ex as a friend - when i wasnt disgusted by him. and thats so fucking harsh and vile of me to say, because it has NOTHING to do with him or who he is or what he looks like. it just has to do with me and how i wasnt ever in love with him, how he was a rebound gone way too far, and an illusion of me having what i Wanted & Needed after the (then) actual love of my life had crushed me to bits. my ex was, of course, not what i wanted nor needed - i needed to be fucking single. jesus fucking CHRIST did i need to be single. but who wouldnt jump on the first train to come along with kind words and flattery. i just... wish i hadnt taken it so goddamn far.

it was my own fucking fault that i had to start drinking on my own every night to deal with the hurt and who i had become, what i had lost (or what i thought the meaning of "lost" was at the time), what i was doing to someone i cared for, etc. because, i mean, of course i cared and still care for my ex, but as a friend. nothing more. friendship to me still means every ounce of love i have, but the platonic kind. and thats the only kind of love that someone who is madly, deeply infatuated and in love with you, cant handle.

so i understand that hes mad. and sad, and grieving, and acting crazy, and all of that. ive been there too, i lived unrequited love for six years (on top of gaslighting and dealing with someones projections of their own self-hatred onto me, thank fuck thats over). all im saying is i understand him, and i still care for him, and i know hes going through the phases of sorrow and heartache. and im so sad that he hates me right now, because i know he only has love for me in his heart. same as i do for him - the platonic kind. i have certainly gone out of my way to make it easier for him, ive bent over backwards to literally do as much as i only could on his terms, laid flat to every command, just to ease his heartache. supported him as much as i could in him getting over me, which has been a very weird thing.

so, this week hes mad at me. honestly, i havent paid him much mind because i am so roped up in my current love i cant even see past my bubble most days. i feel shitty about that, but if i was grieving this breakup as much as he is, i wouldnt have broken up to begin with. thats just the cold truth.

i was on instagram, ive turned off his stories etc so i only get limited exposure - mostly for his sake. i know it only prolongs the suffering if the person you want the most to see your posts is actually looking at them. and ive seen him make stories obviously about me, crying, almost pleading, and now when he realizes im not looking at them he turns to the main posts instead. like, dont get me wrong, i am so fucking guilty of vague-posting about someone, im sooo fucking guilty of desperately trying to catch someones attention through instagram posts, so fucking guilty of all of that behavior, so i cant say shit about it. but ive realized now that those posts actually hurt. so i unfollowed him. he posted this random picture where the text said "take me back so i can dump you" and i was like. alright. hands up, ive done what i can by now, ive been so understanding and nice and catered to your every need because i fucking care about you. in the end i just wanted out of a relationship that wasnt working for me, was hurting us both in the long run and i had stopped being in love, if i ever even was, so i had to stop all the hurt. thats also a reality. i was also standing between him and the actual love of his life, whom i am so sure he'll meet one day.

it hurts though, because he was my best friend. well, he wanted me as his partner, but i was his friend also. its harder losing friends than boyfriends i think. to me it is, anyway. regardless; i hope he will heal soon and i wish him well. im not going to stick around for the inevitable hate lash-outs that have already started coming because i care for him and the relationship we had as friends too much. but i get it. you have to go through the stages. i hope hes gonna come out on the other side, stronger and healthier.

but until then im way too busy loving fully to pay him more mind. im having the time of my life with someone who i feel is the actual love of my life.

im so goddamn happy now and im going to focus on that. ☀️💕

[dstrolgy]

A glimpse of myself ✨

Hello, well I’d rather keep my own name personal for this account in case people know me by it. You can just know me as Dan. As I’m writing this and other post that are soon to come, I’m probably on my bed either laying in bed and just stoning or just feel a little sad about how my day was. I’m turning 18 this year, that’s right my legal year in my birth country in South East Asia, Singapore. Here’s a little something about myself and how my life is life. I would say that i’m a shy & timid person eventhough in real life, I’m actually quite tall for an asian. I do sports like soccer, floorball & etc.

I haven’t really had the best year of my life yet as these past few years are just filled with lots of heartbreaks & regrets. I came from being a completely happy to a really really unhappy person throughout my journey in life. My family consist of 4 members, excluding me. Well it’s sad to say that I can’t really rely on them for support, be it emotionally or physically because i’m the middle child and i’m sure many of you out there knows what treatment a middle child gets. I shall not dwell on that much as it’s personal.

I’ll be entering a local polytechnic somewhere around April 2017, which is really soon. Honestly, I am an easy-going type of person when it comes to making friends but for this phase of life, I’m just really afraid of making friends because in my life people come and go, I’m not someone whom will stop someone whom have always played a huge part in my life, if they want to leave, it does hurts knowing someone finds you boring as time goes by, it’s sad how temporary people are allowed to stay in your life unless they really see something. I don’t live to find love again, after a major heartbreak. I was petrified & afraid of falling in love after what people from my past has done to me. At times I ask myself, ‘What did I ever do to deserve all this ?’ I have always been kind to people and giving face to them but what do I get back in return ? This comes to my next topic, appreciation.

Not many people appreciate my doings and my existence be it in school or at home, In school, I have always been left alone and not known as one of those 'cool kids’ maybe due to how I look like as a person physically, trust me you wouldn’t want to see me in person even if you had a chance to. My head is always filled with negativity about myself but I know somehow, someday I’ll be able to see myself as a better person, hopefully. I’m not someone who gives up easily on people whom I really want in my life and trust me when I say, I’ll do whatever it takes just to see things get better again, be it friends, relationship or family.

Love hasn’t always been on my side, to me love is and always will be blind. You’ll never know when that one true person just enters your life and change it, well I did fall in love once, and i have to say that was really one huge mistake I made. I stopped believing in forever but most certainly I stopped believing that a long lasting love exist, until i met an angel, a 17 year old lady came into my life and changed my thought on love. In year 2015 after my major heartbreak, I started talking to her knowing how friendly & easy-going type of person she was on her social media. Nope, I wasn’t over my heartbreak but I just decided to talk to her as a friend and only that, until one day, my heart fell. Well, i didnt know what I should do when that day finally came because i certainly know she would never have feelings for a guy like me, plus I wasn’t sure whether I had moved on from my heartache but I was certainly sure that I loved her, alot. We stopped talking for awhile, without a valid reason from her, but at times you need to let go of the people you love & who knows if he or she comes back, perhaps you’ll then know that he or she belongs to you. I found out that my ex-girlfriend found someone new and i didn’t see any point to stay, so I finally moved on. I was glad I did, I finally made it and after moving on, in my head all i wanted to do was concentrate on my O Levels and forget about love until, she came back on the 4th of Febuary 2016, 10.53pm. I recieved a text from that one girl whom i broke by talking about my ex and upon knowing that she has always been looking at me in school and even sacrifised her time to check on me on social media and not forgetting how she’d try to estimate what times I leave school just to be in the same bus as me. Little did i also know, she always has been head over heels for me. I was speechless but really happy at the same time. We started talking again and on the 20th of March 2016, things became official and I’m glad I got to finally call her mine. She literally has the sweetest smile on her face and the way she walks & talks just make me think to myself, 'How did I ever get so lucky?’ Oh and did I tell you that she was one of the more popular girls in school, many guys were crazy for her and out of all she decided to choose me, she told me she had a side for 'geeky and cute guys’ which till now, I’ll never understand. The way she makes me feels can never be described with words but I know I love her and I know that it wasn’t just any kind love, this was actually a love I hadn’t felt before in my whole entire life. She makes me go crazy without even trying and I must admit even till now, I still get shy whenever she’s around because her existence and everything about her is just so perfect and I love her so so much and if i had one wish, I wouldnt ever want to have to let her go.

Well, I suppose that’s the enough introduction about myself, I’ll write again really soon, and that’s a promise.

[myauralove-blog]

Me.

1. Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid- No money, no responsibilities, not having a heart lol 2. What was your favorite musical group when you were a kid? Spice Gallsss 3. When was the first time that you had alcohol? year 10, 15 years old 4. What is your worst dating experience? hahahah year 8, RB. or JW 5. What is the craziest thing you have ever done?  punched a police officer in front of 200 people and got held in a cell for 6 hours.. 6. Name one thing that not many people know about you. I’m actually very clever literacy wise. I love to read! I would love to be a writer/editor/journo 7. What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death? Kindness. That I changed someones life for the better. 8. Do you have any phobias? Spiders >:( 9. Name three countries you would like to visit. Italy, UK, Asia 10. If your house was on fire and you could grab only 3 things before leaving, what would they be? My dog! Photos, Phone 11. Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets? yesyesyesyes  12. Do you believe in the paranormal? yes shut up  now im scared 13. What would be your dream job? Getting paid to travel/vlog, writer, english teacher

14. If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be? lifetime supply of money, to have children, to have my family safe and happy forever

15. If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to? hahaha umm? Zoe? Love that name

16. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Hawaii 17. If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left. Spend time with each of the people I love most, laugh alot and take loads of pictures 18. What crazy activities do you dream of trying someday? none :/ Is travelling classified as crazy activities?

19. If you could go on a road trip with any person (dead or alive), who would you choose and where would you go? My mum/sister

20. Any tattoos or pierced body parts? 2, 5 21. What’s your favorite color? Green 22. What is your favorite flower? Sunflower 23. What is on your bedside table? dont have one 24. What was your best Halloween costume for Halloween? cat lol 25. If you could be any cartoon character, who would you be? none? 26. Are you a morning or night person? both 27. Name a singer whose voice you can’t stand. Mariah Carey 28. If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do? I wouldnt 29. What do you remember about your high school formal? bad bad memories. ditching all of my mates at the after party to chase a boy to his ex’s house and then walking home alone with a bottle of vodka, getting allllll the way home and smashing the bottle....... 30. What’s your favorite holiday? Christmas! 31. Have you ever been mentioned in a newspaper? Yes 32. Have you ever gone skinny dipping or streaking? no 33. What body part do you get caught staring at? face, bum lol 34. Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic? both 35. What is your most treasured possession? photos, jewellery 36. Adult Beverage of choice? cocktails! 37. What is your favorite food? Pasta 38. Can you fake any accents? indian, british, new Zealander 39. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? eyes, smile 40. Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? anal hahhahahhahhahah  41. If you had to live under the sea what kind of an animal would you be? seal 42. Most hated chore on the household chore list? dishes 43. In life who has had the most influence on you? mum, dad, sister 44. What do you like best about yourself? eye colours, wrists hahahha, personality 45. If you could be one kind of beer which one would you be and why? yuck none 46. What extremely difficult life situation have you overcome and how did you do it? heartache, being ripped off 10k, being bullied by friends, anxiety, moving to alice springs, being undermined at work, living with a bipolar person and being away from my family. lol i didnt overcome it 47. What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? omg getting my period during sex with my crush hahahhaha he was disgusted 48. If you could choose, how would you want to die? old age in my sleep please 49. If you could change the world what would you do? create awareness for womans rights, stop child abuse, stop violence against men and women, get rid of guns, world peace! 50. Name 1 thing you love about being an adult - noone having control of my money but its also very very bad 51. Which would you rather have, $50,000 or true love? the money for sure aahahha 52. Do you believe everything happens for a reason? yess 53. What song always makes you happy when you hear it? ilysb lany, anything by blackbear 54. Who’s the funniest person you know? mum/sister 55. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? mum 56. How big is your bed?  queen 57. What is the wallpaper on your cellphone? sunset 58. What’s the first thing you thought about this morning? work ugh 59. Are you afraid of the dark? kinda 60. 3 things you cannot live without? social media, money and family 61. Favorite song? ilysb lany, flex your way out, anything by ruth b, 62. Are you a giver or a taker? both 63. Virgin or not? nah 64. Are you very sarcastic? super 65. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? no lol what a rebel 66. Which you favorite icecream flavor? choc mint or rum raisen 67. What was the last drink you drank? orange cordial 68. Do you prefer hugs or kisses? both are nice 69. Have you ever gone cow-tipping? what 70. Do you like to sing in the shower? somedays 71. What’s your favorite midnight snack? anything food is my life lol 72. Whats your favorite movie? life as a house, the choice, the best of me 73. Have you ever gambled at a casino? badly but yes 74. Have you thrown up in a car? hahahah yuh 75. Do you scream on roller coasters? very loudly 76. When did you go to your first funeral? 2010 77. Where did you go on your first airplane ride? cairns, 2 yrs old 78. Whats your favorite season? winter 79. Who was your imaginary friend? fairies named magenta, indigo and sapphire 80. Date someone older or younger? either but only 3 years max 81. If you don’t know the words to a song do you improvise? hahaha yep 82. What turns you on about the opposite sex? half smiles, confidence but not too cocky, good kisser, smells good, neck kisses, when they tuck your hair behind you ear, when they are a combo of sexy and cute, sense of humour!!!!! rough but in a way where they know what they’re going with the flow not where they’re straight out shoving their dick in your throat.. 83. What turns you off about the opposite sex? bad smell, hair pulling, vile dirty talk, overly cocky, treats you like meat, forces it, no intimacy, no foreplay 84. What scares you the most and why? not being able to have kids, losing family, having nothing to show for my hard work, never succeeding in my dreams 85. What do you do in your free time? read, watch tv or youtube, listen to music, social media, babysit, spend time with friends or dad, drink 86. Name 8 things in life you find most beautiful? nature, genuine kind beautiful people, genuine happy souls, love, art (music, paintings, movies, books), being gifted with family, animals, big 100% real, cheesy smiles,  87. Tell me about something you really regret? 10k to my ex. moving back to alice 88. Tell me about your favorite book, magazine or comic? you by caroline kepnes. go read it 89. Something or someone you miss the most from childhood? having brothers who were just children not adults, being free, making memories with my sister everyday 90. Your best friend dies, what would you do? considering thats my sister id die 91. What is your zodiac sign? aries 92. Name a couple of T.V. shows you watch a lot? friends, neighbours, ex on the beach, the middle, modern fam WAITING FOR RIVERDALE TO COME BACK SO I WATCH EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING ATM 93. Name a movie or movies you can watch over and over? best of me, rom coms. sad movies, anything adam sandler, old classic 90′s disneys movies, christmas holiday movies 94. Would you ever go skinny dipping? yes 95. Have you been told you can sing well more than once? like never 96. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? so so so many 97. What were you doing the last time you really had a good laugh? at work with the kids, today with dad at the star track angry small man 98. What is your happiest childhood memory? alligator in our backyard (imaginary) at dixon road with Eb. Think i was 4 or so? Playing pirate boats with blake and zane at mimosa, I was 7 or so, dads old house and all the cool computer games we used to have 99. If you could take a one month trip anywhere and money was not a consideration, where would you go? Europe!!!! 100. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? no swearing, no moving towns