#kerryrants

[folerdetdufoler]

Hi, I wrote my first evak fic in early 2023, before that I had been an avid reader for years. I know the fandom is a little quiet but there's this hardcore group of writers and readers that seem to have been around since the start and all know (of) each other. I don't know how to word this without sounding envious but it seems to me that group doesn't really read, comment on, give kudos or support new fics outside of their little circle. I want to believe it's a time issue but I have to say it comes across cliquey and a little hurtful. I really hope I am just being an insecure baby but I would be so happy if the established and popular writers would give me feedback and leave comments.

hiya! congratulations on writing and posting! i know it can be a big, scary jump from reading to writing and sharing, so applause for that in the first place.

i'm sorry your contributions to the fandom haven't been received the way you'd like them to be. if i'm included in this group of writers and readers, then, well my reasons for not reading/commenting/supporting are possibly going to be more hurtful than what you're already experiencing! i've whined about it years ago (first here, then here), and unfortunately it all still stands, because i have done absolutely zero work on bettering myself as a human being. i think i've read a handful of fics, mostly because they've been sent to me directly, with someone asking for my thoughts, and i managed to put in the effort to read it and offer a polite response. but there are also a bunch of fics that have been shared with me that i haven't read, even when i've said i would. i'm sorry if you have specifically done this with me in the past, because i have not treated your work, your creativity, with the respect it deserves.

i can't speak for anyone else, on how they choose to spend their time reading or writing, or the relationships they have with other fans. on the one active skam discord i'm in, i think a lot of them know each other from other fandoms, or have different relationships beyond writing/reading skam fic. also, as skam fades, people might only have the bandwidth for enjoying and supporting fanworks from established relationships, the same way you still want to support a favorite author even when you or they have changed genres or whatever.

but in reality i don't know the group where this is happening or why. i agree, it would be nice to receive more readers and commenters in general, and being jealous of the attention other people receive is natural. but i don't know how to change your relationship with that group, or my relationship with reading & supporting.

[unitedstatesoflyssa]

ALL OF THE BOOKS I'VE LOVED BEFORE

2024 has been a shitty year for me, reading-wise. I started reading for leisure again in 2022, shortly after I graduated from my English department, because I wanted to try to find the childlike joy books had once given me in a time before pandemics and heartbreaks and boy hands. I read 43 books in 2023. I felt like all I could do was read in 2023. Now, in 2024, I went – like – illiterate there for a minute? But either way. Here it is. In all of its golden glory; a master list of the books I've read this year.

A Court of Silver Flames // Sarah J. Maas

7/10

First read of the year, to cap off the ACOTAR series, which I’d started at the insistence of my little sister in May of 2023. I’ve always hated Nesta. As an older sister, I couldn’t imagine putting my little sisters through what Nesta allowed Feyre to endure; although this book gave me a better perspective of why Nesta came off as detached and downright evil throughout the first half of the series. I relate to her in many aspects. I felt as though this was a solid fantasy, and loved the female friendship aspects of it. However, points off for gratuitous sex scenes and the fact that I still wasn’t wholly sold on Nesta as a character despite feeling like Nesta every day of my life. 

Betty // Tiffany McDaniel

9/10

Practically no notes. Ugh! What a beautiful story of childhood innocence, resilience, and overcoming generational trauma and poverty – all against the backdrop of the Appalachian Mountains. It took me a while to get into this one; I started and stopped it thrice throughout the course of 2023, but once I picked it back up and got through the first two chapters, I physically could not set the book down. It was like reading something on a collision course. Highly recommend. 

The Grace Year // Kim Liggett

10/10

My first perfect rating of the year. The religious trauma leapt out. Think The Hunger Games meets the Salem Witch Trials meets The Handmaid’s Tale. Such a quick read, too – I think I read the entire thing in one day, on two separate flights to Minneapolis and Boston, respectively. My favorite “fantasy” of the year thus far. If there’s one book on this list that I recommend you pick up, it’s probably this one. I think you’ll love it too. 

The Cruel Prince // Holly Black

8/10

This year has been all about catching up on the novels that my friends always said I’d love, but I was to pretentious to read. As the neurons in my frontal lobe snap together, I feel myself getting less proud by the day – something you should probably all be grateful to hear. This was one such read. I loved Jude. A piece of me is Jude, powerhungry and ruthless, but without the penchant for swordplay. However, I got a bit lost in the sauce throughout the middle? Maybe I can blame that one for exclusively reading it on a treadmill. 

House of Flame And Shadow // Sarah J. Maas

Did Not Finish (DNF)

Ah, the book that started the months-long reading slump. Sarah, I’m owed personal compensation for the time you made me waste on reading this. I didn’t even love Crescent City 1, but the character assassination of Bryce, Hunt, and hell, even Ruhn was PAINFUL. Would not recommend. Crescent City 1 is a fun standalone. It’s giving Scooby Doo. Hot people solving crimes with a fun pet sidekick. Read that one and be done. We don’t need the Sarah J. Maas multiverse of madness. (Sorry bestie - still love ya.)

Bad Blood: Secrets and Lies in a Silicon Valley Startup // John Kerryrou

8.5/10

I have a feeling if I’d read this before Elizabeth Holmes’s penultimate trial, it would’ve ranked lower, as a lot of the loose ends were inevitably tied up by Kerryrou’s coverage of aforementioned trial. However, one of my goals for 2024 was to read more nonfiction – stuff like this, creative nonfiction, personal essays, all of it. I want to learn things, and I’ve always had a bit of a morbid fascination with the downfall of Theranos. Kerryrou is a journalist, so this was written in approachable, relatable language; great starter nonfiction if you, too, want to brush up on your niche hyperfixation conversation topics. 

Before We Were Innocent // Ella Berman

8/10

This one ranks highly for two reasons, and not necessarily because of the work itself: 

I was laid up in bed for several weeks with two fractured metatarsals, and confined to the four millennial grey walls of my apartment, I felt like I was losing it a bit. I read this one in an afternoon outside on my back patio, broken foot elevated on a tower of pillows, as my husband practically spoon-fed me fruit salad. This, of course, made for a delicious reading experience. 

Because of the broken foot, I was on a bit of pain medication through this time, and I think it made this book glitter a bit more than it actually did. I think I was just glad to have my mind off of the things I was missing out on – like going to the gym, and going on walks, and dancing in the sun, and running laps in the rain. 

Altogether it’s a fun true crime novel reminiscent of Amanda Knox. Real ones know I went through a total Amanda Knox phase my freshman year of college, and all I could talk about was the miscarriage of justice by Italian police on that one. So sub out my motherland for Greece, and put two strange-acting girls in there instead of one, and boom, you have this novel. Reese Witherspoon never disappoints with her selections. 

8. Bright Young Women // Jessica Knoll

6/10

Ugh, such conflicting feelings on this one. You can tell I was in a bit of a true crime phase here. This one’s a fictionalized version of the Chi Omega murders, which famously brought down Ted Bundy. I don’t love that the author chose replace the real narratives of women who were actually impacted by these horrific acts and commodified this story. However, based off of the acknowledgements – it seems she had their blessing? I usually love the types of commercial fiction that feel real enough to touch. Taylor Jenkins Reid does this masterfully. However, this one felt… insensitive at its best. But the writing style was propulsive, and it quickly became another book I devoured on a travel day. 

9. Five Survive // Holly Jackson

5/10

Another travel day book. One thing about me – I really try to avoid screentime while flying, because it may be one of the only times I feel like I can really detach from whatever’s going on below. You will catch me in my Delta economy seat, legs folded beneath me, thumbing through whatever book I’m reading at record speed. I read this one on a flight to DC and remember thinking that I wished it was longer. Again, the true crime phase. I was deep in it. But yeah. Not much to say here. It’s a thriller novel. 

10. The Nightingale // Kristin Hannah

10/10

Oh, Lord. What do I even say about this masterpiece? 

Some might call it a beach read. Fine, whatever. Sue me. Lock me up and throw away the key – this formerly pretentious English major, who used to impress boys based on her knowledge of Nabokov and Murakami, LOVES a good beach read every now and then. I’ve gotten to a point in my life where, if I’m picking up a book, I want to actually escape into its pages. I’m a bit past laboring over purple prose or analyzing the quality of the text itself. This isn’t to say I won’t give what I read a halfway decent literary critique – I still can’t bring myself to finish books with terrible writing, and I’ll admit that I do still see myself as “above” most BookTok-type books – but at this point, I’m just too beat to care. Like, I can barely afford to keep a roof over my head and purchase healthy groceries, why would I spend the same mental energy that I do at the checkout line whining over prose on the Internet? 

Anyways. This one. Oh my gosh. I really, genuinely have no words. Books don’t often make me emotional. I’ve read everything I could get my hands on since I was, like, three. But this one made me full-body sob. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. Kristin Hannah, I could kiss you.

Side note: I read this one in a night, too, not because I was traveling, but because I actually wanted to. 

11. The Women // Kristin Hannah

9/10

It’s hard to follow up a masterpiece like The Nightingale, although I do think this one held its own. I’m mostly just freaked out that the main character hailed from my father’s San Diego, her love interest from my mother’s San Antonio, and she ended up (spoilers!) in my beloved Garden City of Missoula, Montana. Kristin, if you are in my walls, please get out expeditiously. I’m going to have to ask you to start paying rent. 

And, as an aside, here’s all of the books I’m currently reading: 

Magnolia Parks // Jessa Hastings (which I’m loving. It feeds my Love Island UK proclivities. I never said I wasn’t a whore for reality TV. I said I was pretentious. Those are two different things.)

Everything I Know About Love // Dolly Alderton (sort of what inspired me to resurrect my Tumblr. I found myself relating to her need to do things for the anecdote a bit too much. I thought that maybe, I, too, could immortalize these things to laugh on when I am not twenty-something.)

Demon Copperhead // Barbara Kingsolver (which I think will be a bit like Betty, and I’ll have to power through the first several chapters in order to actually blitz through the rest. Fun writing style, though. Just getting bored of it fast.) 

Adult Drama // Natalie Beach (Okay, okay, I haven’t actually started this one yet, but it’s been on my list. Like I said! It’s the year of the personal nonfiction novel! And admittedly, I worshiped Caroline Calloway when I was sixteen and thought I was deep, so I’m invested in Natalie’s side of the narrative.)

And, I know what you’re thinking: here’s this privileged white girl, reading her privileged white girl books. I know, I know. I desperately need to diversify my reading list, and believe it or not, it is something I’ve been intentional about this year. I really hope to spend the latter half of the year reading books from diverse perspectives. Fiction and nonfiction alike bear such an incredible opportunity to educate and broaden the perspectives of those who read. 

So there’s that. The books from a girl who loves books. Hit my “ask” box for recommendations. I love giving the oddly specific ones. 

Xoxo

Lys

[wongkarwives]

i feel like shit so im not sure if i can keep up with tumblr as much as i used too skskskks

[toniolibero]

Along Kerryring shores #IrishTonio https://ift.tt/2L8gCWx

[folerdetdufoler]

Hei! Norwegian here. I saw your tweet about YR and that final convo between Isak and Eva, and I thought you may interested to know that actually the "official" translation is a little off in that last scene. When Eva asks, "Is he the man of your dreams?" I would not say is the correct connotation for the phrase when translated from Norsk to English. Mannen i mit liv, directly translated is more "Man in your life" (rather than the "Man of your life" that I have often seen). (1/2)

(2/2) In my opinion, a better equivalent to what Eva had instead asked would be, "Is he the one?" Which is why I feel a lot of people were a little confused with Isak in that last scene. Eva was more asking if Even was THE one for Isak, and Isak was answering with "Who cares? We don't know what will happen tomorrow and I'm happy now." And I do think that better fits the context and purpose of that whole scene, what with "minute for minute" and everything.

Part 3, sorry - but I did want to say no hate to anyone who translated, it's very much a "lost in translation" kind of phrase where the direct translation loses meaning when translated to another language. I lived in the states for a few years which is why I was able to pick up on the discrepancy. In English it makes it sound like Isak is diminishing his feelings for Even almost, which is not the case. More the opposite, I would say. Hope you found this interesting or helpful

[my tweet]

no, i understood that from when the scene first came out. she’s echoing the kitchen scene, when isak calls it a hashtag, so i think it’s appropriate for her to use the more exaggerated phrase in the translation. she also says it a little dreamily in her tone, so she’s not giving the phrase the weight of a literal translation. but yes, that was a very common reaction, that people were upset isak wasn’t making a declaration of love at the end because it sounded like he was saying “no, i’m not in love with him on that level.” i don’t remember how i reacted initially (i might’ve been upset!) but i do remember many of the conversations trying to properly frame the translation so it didn’t lose its meaning.

but that’s why i think that scene and young royals has the same energy! simon does not confirm wille’s statement of “i love you” because they just figured out the context of their relationship too. i think it would be a bit difficult to say something like that after just defining their relationship and the boundaries that simon needed to set. AND there was a similar uproar from people thinking he should have said “i love you” back to him (mostly from comments on my fyp on tiktok, which are usually american). i think simon loves wille just like isak loves even, and these statements were made with extreme honesty and care, with respect to what they just went through together.

i didn’t explicitly make this connection but with that tweet i wanted to highlight the scandinavian (or at least non-american) feel of the shows to me, where you don’t get the picture-perfect-wrapped-up-in-a-bow-satisfying ending. it’s satisfying to me in that it feels real and not some fairy tale fantasy. it made me think of pride & prejudice (2005) which had a different ending for the american audience, a gushy, intimate scene that that audience seemed to need in order to be satisfied. same with emily henry’s beach read, which had an extra “more romantic and celebratory” scene added for that audience. i do not like that, but clearly some people do interpret gestures that way and need declarations of love expressed more out loud.

on the one hand i like that the americans’ dissatisfaction with that ending gets them fired up and demanding of a second season for young royals. on the other hand i wonder if that same kind of reaction to isak at the end of season three influenced julie to include the fan art & fanfic references in season four, as if to make up for the way she wrote them, and to appeal to that more fantasy interpretation of their relationship.

[folerdetdufoler]

I don't have any friends who watched skam or fandom friends, so I don't have anyone I know to talk about this. Sorry I'm dumping this on you! But I think you're really smart, and feel you might have some insight. Do you ever feel that watching skam in real time screwed with the way you relate to the internet and screens? I guess some people who got into it maybe were already on tumblr a lot, but I wasn't and I got OBSESSED and think it really messed up with my attention spam and boundaries -

- with my phone. I was on a really bad place when I started watching skam and used it as a way of coping with life, and I'm only now (I know, like 4 years later) realizing the affect it had on my habits. It depresses me a little bit I don't know why I'm telling you this, I guess I'd like to hear your opinion? If you have one? Or your experience? If you don't feel like answering, please don't. I really like your internet presence!

oh man, i had to think about this for a while. on one hand, i think it really depends on where you are mentally and emotionally for a show/piece of media to have that kind of effect, and on the other, an effective, immersive experience will reshape your relationships like that. i definitely was in a very low place when i found skam. i was five months away from burning out hard and quitting my career & IRL social circles when i found skam, so i was definitely desperate for some kind of escape. skam fit that need really well by being something that felt real that i could chase every single day. i used to do social media for my career, so i already had a horribly unhealthy relationship with tumblr & twitter. i was constantly scrolling and posting on work accounts at any time of day or night. i used to brush it off as like, ~i’m a human, my campaign strategy is not having a strategy!!!~ except what it really was was not having boundaries. so i had wired my brain to always be refreshing for updates anyway, to interact in real time, and skam provided a hit of something (that wasn’t tied to my work performance) every day. i was the perfect target for it.

and it is depressing. back then it just felt like this beautiful reality that i could escape to every day. even if the show wasn’t airing, i could still log on (akfjksjf as if i ever logged off) to see internet friends and talk about that beautiful, shared reality that was so far from my own. fandom was like, the same exact thing that i was doing for work, so it still felt good to be exercising those skills, but i didn’t have the pressure to perform. i got validation, though (and i still do), for participating in the show, and i’ve convinced myself of its pure goodness, of its virtue, because i’m not doing this for money. i…validated my own coping mechanism, my escape, as one does when they really need it. so i am sad that i still need skam and that i’m aware of my dependency on it and that i’m twisting my dependency into an identity that justifies it.

since it’s been so long since i started my obsession my perspective on my relationship with it has probably colored or faded over the years. but i think something similar happened with me and tiktok. i really got into it mid-2019, and the (my) skam fandom was definitely fading then. so tiktok was filling the growing content hole for me, letting me scroll for hours and finding new people now that my tumblr & twitter feeds were slowing down and veering off to different interests. whereas i went deep with skam, i was now going wide with tiktok. but both ways were an intensity that just devoured my days and flooded my brain. they let me stop thinking about me because i could always think about something else, seek out or wait for something else, the next hit. my phone can always provide that relief.

so i guess…i always want to give skam the credit it deserves for being a great show, and that is beyond my personal obsession with it. if i had discovered it later than when i did, i think i still would’ve gotten into it, because it’s an Objectively Good Thing. but that means i would’ve found something else back in 2016 and thrown myself at it, because i was desperate for the distraction and my boundaries were nonexistent. so like, skam didn’t cause these problems for me because it’s skam; i let skam cause these problems for me because i needed it to. and over the years i’ve convinced myself that they aren’t problems because in the moment i feel good. i feel like i’m learning and creating and contributing by leaning into this obsession; i’m chasing something, not escaping.

ugh i feel like i lost the original plot of your ask. i’m sorry if this made you feel worse for any reason. if i stop to think about what i’m still doing here, why i went so hard for skam years ago, then yeah, it’s depressing. i don’t want to talk about why i preferred living a norwegian teenager’s life every day instead of my own. but at the same time i could point a finger and land on three other people who can’t take a shit on the toilet without being able to scroll through their fyp for twenty minutes. this is just how we live now. it’s how we cope.

[folerdetdufoler]

Is the royal series any good? I honestly tried watching the first ep, but didn’t last long. It was sooo cringe to me, in a way I couldn’t enjoy. I feel meh about the skam comparison because skam wasn’t cringe at all. But if you say it’s worth watching, I’ll try again

hmm, i'm not sure. i understand the cringe vibes. when i first saw the trailer i remember not getting into it at all, and i didn't think to even watch it as a boredom thing. but then i went on vacation and that was actually a really stressful trip for me so i came home and saw katie and sigrid raving about it and was like FINE i'll watch it. maybe it'll just be something i can use to empty my brain and decompress.

i've rewatched the whole thing three times now, and i look up individual scenes multiple times throughout the day, so.

but no, i get the cringe vibes, and those are definitely still there for me. it's not like skam at all. it feels more like elite to me, and i managed to watch the first season of that show but never picked it up again, even as it got gayer. i think what hooked me despite the cringe though, was the tenderness and the...privacy? maybe intimacy is a better word. we get to see a lot of wilhelm, and against the background of his life as a public figure, it's very attractive in its intimacy. THAT might be how it's similar to skam, in that it feels like i'm watching another isak.

and i don't think i'm into it on the same level as i am with skam, but i am FASCINATED by the fandom because the FANDOM feels like skam, except slightly more american (though that might be because i'm seeing most of the fandom on tiktok). i'm seeing the same reactions that we had for our show, and THAT is what is drawing me in, because i miss that specific experience. i rewatch clips because i want to talk about it with other people like i used to watch skam clips and talk about it with other people. i'm seeing people visit the filming locations in sweden, talk about translations & subtitles, buying unofficial merch or creating their own, beating character quotes into the ground, coming up with wild as hell theories for the next season, shipping characters, shipping actors, screaming about how it was written by a woman, praising the younger actors and their acne, downloading duolingo, etc. i'm less in love with the story and more in love with the structure that created and sustained it.

because it IS a really glamorized lifestyle and plot, with some extreme characterizations and a lot of stuff happening. i tend to ignore most of the plot in favor of the ~moments~, certain scenes and the way they were depicted, and the way those moments make other people foam at the mouth...that's what was worth watching, for me.

[folerdetdufoler]

The Person from Last tell. Skam was Sometimes cringe too. Just saying 😂

i would agree, but i would say they were cringe for different reasons. like skam might've had smaller elements of the plot that were cringe-y, or a moment of acting that didn't ring true, compared to the general concept of young royals as a whole, the very serious mood of the music paired with this extreme setting of uber-rich socialites and literal royalty at a boarding school. it felt like young royals was asking you to take this lifestyle and its drama seriously as if it were relatable in any way. but actually young royals is more like the fantasy/boarding school/royalty AU that you would place skam characters in when you want to change everything in a fanfic.

[folerdetdufoler]

I don’t know who to ask, because I don’t think I have anyone in ~not online life- to ask, and I don’t really have any online friends.. and please, if this makes you uncomfortable don’t answer. but has being into Isak and even and maybe other gay pairings made you question your.. gender? Or gender presentation? Is it confusing for you?

hey - first of all, thanks for coming to me with this question. i know how difficult it can be to find the answers you need both online and in person because it requires a lot of honesty for everyone involved. as anonymous as this is i’m still honored you would ask me and i hope this can help somehow...maybe by just opening up the topic for other people to chime in.

the short answer is no. i’m going to ramble to give you context but my interest in Isak & even and male homosexuality in general has never made me question my gender. or of the things it’s made me question, my gender is not one of them. i’m open to that happening later on in my life, but so far it hasn’t happened yet.

i’m older though. i just turned 30. my mind has been shaped by a youth raised in an evangelical christian school system. i’ve bucked against religion from a young age but i was still surrounded by a community that passively inhibited questioning of any kind in the first place. i had the internet growing up but i didn’t use it to the extent that i do now, and even what i have access to now, i know is still a very limited awareness of human possibility. skam never posed the question of gender beyond eskild’s pride speech, i think, and i would consider that a stretch. if anything i’ve seen a lot more on tiktok, which i’ve been addicted to for almost two years now, but i also know how narrow that world is because of how the fyp functions. i see a lot more gender representation and discussions on there, which are interesting and educational, but they’ve never been enough for me to question my own identity either (also the censorship on that app is disgusting).

i’m a cis woman. i enjoy dressing in a feminine style but mostly avoid it because of the shape of my body. my goal in presentation has always been to hide my weight, and i would lean toward loose-fitting cuts that would help me feel invisible. i have this faint feeling that this desire to not be perceived might be tied to gender in a way but if it is i haven’t figured that out. i feel like if i were to lose the weight and be comfortable with the level of attention a skinny body attracts, then i would be comfortable in any gendered clothing. i like my female body, i just don’t like my fat body.

which leads me to what i’ve questioned the most: my own misogyny! or maybe it’s not a questioning so much as it is this growing concern that misogyny has shaped a lot of my attention and attraction, leading me to media that just...allows it to thrive. i favor mlm over wlw (is this because i don’t want to see myself represented? or because i don’t want to see women represented? how much of my self-loathing is misogyny, or vice versa?). i read male-centered romances and i write them. i consume male porn almost exclusively (though porn is never a great place to start evaluating your appreciation of women). if i ever insert myself into sexual fantasies, i’m always a woman...i’ve never used gay male porn to like, replace my own desires. but i do find the male body attractive and their attraction to each other is attractive.

while i do write about the male body exclusively, i do want to share my motivations for that as not simply being this thirst for the male body. i find great comfort in isak and even’s basic plot, where they find love and self-worth despite battling both external and internal demons. when i write stories i am mostly chasing that high, that victory. the fact that they’re dudes is just, y’know, the circumstance. and then the fact that i’m writing them explicitly is probably more motivated by my own sexual repression. i’m not getting any because i’m not worth that, but they are so they can. this extends to the other mlm stories i read in that their romance has this social roadblock already in place. the homophobia is implied, whether or not that’s what the actual plot is about, and i give more value to that relationship because i know a struggle has been built in. and then i find comfort in watching other people figure out that their love is worth that struggle, and that their fight is as simple as daring to exist.

(oh god maybe my fantasy is being able to blame someone else for my own problems and still receiving love despite it. let’s unpack that.)

annnnnnyway, back to your point. i think it’s possible that an interest in mlm romance and/or sexuality could reflect a shifting sense of your own gender. there’s that classic question of “do i want to be with you or just...be you?” and sometimes the answer looks a certain way when you identify as a cis woman interested in gay male pairings. maybe that’s what’s happening to me, and maybe i’m just trying to throw different excuses at it to avoid it. like i won’t rule that out, but i also feel confident and comfortable with my identity as it is.

[folerdetdufoler]

just an fyi the ol’ twitter account was suspended, because i posted too many edits with pop songs. i don’t know if i’ll ever get it back, or if i even want to bother, because i’m sure there was some embarrassing henjei shit on there. maybe twitter did me a service. anyway, i tweet about other stuff on @jegheterkerry if you’re interested. otherwise be prepared to see more posts that should’ve been a tweet posted here instead.

[folerdetdufoler]

Hi!! Idk if this is any help, but I can talk about my own experience with gender identity and mlm pairings for the previous anon. I'm an afab demigirl (she/they) and, like I said before, this may or may not be any help at all because everyone has a different experience with gender :))

For me, reading fanfic made me more aware of my gender expression because I felt more comfortable reading explicit mlm fics compared to wlw or heterosexual pairings, and I preferred the way mlm fics described physical attraction. When looking into it, I found that was because I didn't feel super comfortable reading about anything regarding the chest area. It made me realize that I didn't just prefer sports bras over regular bras, I was actually feeling slight dysphoria about my chest. Also, mlm fics tend to

Of course, this is just my experience, and there are other reasons why you might enjoy gay pairings more, like how there aren't forced gender roles or stereotypical power dynamics. Another thing that helped me was reading about other peoples' experiences with gender identity on Reddit. I hope this helps!

for you, original anon!

(but also this was very helpful to me! it can definitely be small details vs. the more general “mlm” category that actually help shape your gender identity, and i haven’t considered that.)

[folerdetdufoler]

I really really want to thank you for the thorough answer you gave to my question. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and, in some ways, I relate to what you’ve shared (specially regarding the being fat thing, which I am as well). Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I really enjoy reading your skam fics for the same reason you seem to like Isak and even, something that goes far beyond them being an mlm couple. And lastly, I don’t really know you, but I do think you deserve it.

thank you! you’ve given me a lot to think about as well. and no matter what the answer ends up being, it’s still nice to know that skam can be a little spark or stepping stone for our own personal growth.

❤️

[folerdetdufoler]

how are you?

i'm okay, thanks. well, i'm quite itchy. i was clearing a tree that fell across our road and it was dead but covered in poison ivy, so i have rashes on my arms and legs now. but otherwise i'm okay.

[folerdetdufoler]

don't stop writing because you don't think you can enjoy you're writing. do you enjoy the process of writing? do you enjoy coming up with the story, typing it out and imagining it in your head? if yes, then that's your joy. there are actors who don't like watching their films. you're not alone in that feeling. maybe for you, the process is your joy than the final result. is this helping? i hope it is <3

ahhh, yeah. i like thinking of the stories. i’m most productive when i’m doing other work, like it’s an active distraction for me, so i’m actually writing the most when i’m the busiest. i guess it’s the public part of it all, where i’m publishing and getting feedback. not that readers pressure me in any way (y’all are quite encouraging) but just the concept of me...performing? is what leads me to putting pressure on myself and then hating the performance. so maybe i hate my writing because it’s public.

[folerdetdufoler]

hey okay so i’m bugging out because tiktok just put this video on my page, a few hours after the question about homosexual pairings & gender identity. i’ve been getting a lot of trans content on my fyp (more than usual) because of trans day of visibility but this was so specific i had to share.

i’m sorry it’s a screen recording. it’s also a post from a couple of weeks ago, so it wasn’t made specifically for visibility. but if you’re interested you could go to scott’s page and see a variety of responses adding context to this relationship.

ETA: i just remembered this tweet from january where i posted a sweet tiktok of a lesbian couple and then followed it up with this tumblr post. which kind of looks like i’m questioning gender a little more than what i was denying. and maybe i was? but it’s kind of weird because it was motivated by romance, like i was saying i had gender envy because i wanted to be in this romantic situation, and i was attracted to the masc woman as well as was comfortable being either party: the masc or the femme. so! this is probably the extent of my questioning but i wanted to include it because i had forgotten and i always want to be transparent and whole.

[folerdetdufoler]

same 5 dollars anon: I think that it might be a favorite because it feels like it is really well rounded -not that your other fics are not- but this one particularly so, at least to me. It reads like a novel, or like a movie or serie. It does have, to me at least, a special NYC bookstore you've got mail-esque feel, and I personally love that. I think about it often as well because I love to cook and I'm known for my breakfasts and brunches and for being able to cook eggs in different ways really

well, so I joke about my house having a great selection of eggs. No one understands the reference but it feels like my own inside joke. I was wondering whether you've seen Love and Anarchy on netflix?

oh that’s really interesting! and makes sense that it would be a more personal connection to the story. and i’m honored to be part of your inside joke.

i love you’ve got mail. five dollars is based in new york city but i changed the names to make it less...regional? or americanized, especially since it was a gift for someone and i think they weren’t interested in anything american (as one should be). i tried to make it sound like any major city on a river, but the big book publishing houses are based in new york, and isak lives in a tiiiiny one-bedroom apartment in brooklyn heights, and even was probably down in the financial district. not quite the upper west side vibe of you’ve got mail but still a version of new york that i lived.

annnnd i have not watched love & anarchy yet. @hsilow was raving about it and i looked up a fanvid and i could see the chemistry! but i had been using my brother’s netflix account and he just unsubscribed because he wasn’t using enough to pay for it, so i have to sign up for myself. maybe soon, if i have some time off. what did you think of it?