#doesn't happen for most memories though or for switching it's just for Bad Things

[oursystemblog]

How does memory holding work? Can you pass around memories or share them? Can one alter have the memory be very clear while another remembers the same thing but only faintly?

I love the comics, thank you for sharing.

I was gonna give another boring "we don't really have memory loss between each other" response but i thought about it a little bit harder and i guess there Are slight differences in what memories we can recall

that's interesting to me actually i haven't thought about that too hard until now , it's not like Memory Loss but it's kind of like there's a Wall preventing most of us from recalling it in detail that the emotion holder doesn't have . uhhh uhhh too tired to coherently say anything more you know waht i mean

[the-fluff-piece]

"He did WHAT?" - one piece guys dealing with your toxic asshole ex - headcanon

Summary: lots of people have one - the toxic asshole ex boyfriend that did some horrible stuff to you. You told your new OP bf about what your previous relationship was like after some time to explain some of your more unusual behaviours. What might happen when they get the chance to serve that dick some revenge?

A fluff collection of headcanons about Law, Sanji, Zoro and Luffy giving that bastard what he deserves.

And check out my headcanon masterlist

Cw: mentions of unspecific abusive behaviours and trauma responses, and of course, comic violence like it happens in the show.

That said...Enjoy some revenge fantasies! Share in the comments what you want them to do to your asshole ex!

Disclaimer, I feel I need to say this) : I am no psychiatrist! This is just some silly headcanons and in no way a real help. If you feel that things people did to you years ago still haunt you, get professional help, it's really good!

Law

When he first hears the story about how you have been treated, his expression darkens. "I am here now, he's gone" is what he tells you - and himself, too. But it gnaws at him. He hates manipulators that put people in literal or psychological cages. And he hates that it happened to you.

When they meet in person, Law will rearrange your ex's body and is open for your suggestions. Why not replace his head with a cannonball and take his dick as a trophy? He doesn't need to spew abusive bullshit anymore and no one needs his sexual attention anyways.

Law will sleep better, knowing that he did to him what you wouldn't have because you are too good a person

He is not one for elaborate compliments and he is no therapist, but he will try to help healing the wounds you sustained by being the most supportive and positive boyfriend you ever had. If you need his shoulder, he is there. If you feel bad, he will do anything to make you feel better. He will not make you do anything you don't feel comfortable with.

Sanji

As you casually tell him about your past relationship he catches fire and has to run around the ship a few times to cool down. He switches between pampering you extra, extra EXTRA nice and angry mutterings to himself. He promises you if he ever meets that guy, he is going to kick him through all the grand line and back again

When the moment comes, Sanji switches into total ruffian mode. You have never heard that string of merciless trash talk from anyone before and it doesn't take long until he has totally set off your ex, luring him into throwing the first punch. It is, of course, futile, but Sanji takes his time to finish him off. He should, after all, learn that no one should hurt his lady.

He is visibly relieved to have finally gotten revenge for the unacceptable things that guy did to you. He is awaiting your praise eagerly.

Since he knows what it feels like first hand, he feels even closer to you and tells you his stories if you want to hear them. You will heal together, in time. The memories will fade and be replaced with better ones you make together. You support each other in breaking through the self harming behaviour you developed.

Zoro

His initial reaction to your explanations about why you still feel uncomfortable doing certain things is total helplessness. He cannot fathom that someone would ever take the time and effort to systematically destroy their partner. He believes you, but it is so far out of his own experience that it is hard to grasp for him.

It makes him angry, however. Because that dickhead insulted you you feel insecure? What can be broken can be fixed is Zoro's motto, so he will comment positively on everything every time. Even though he is not very creative, his compliments come from the heart, and you feel it.

When he finally meets the guy he is a bit disappointed. That is no worthy opponent. He doesn't honor him with the use of his swords. Zoro will grab him by the collar and throw him off the next cliff. "For what you did to y/n, you coward."

The job is finished, no need to talk about it anymore and forget the bastard ever existed.

Luffy

When you merely tell him about it he will think you got over it just like he doesn't stay angry for long. But when you cry the first time or refuse to do something fun because of him he realises that you are still affected by what happened to you. He will not have it.

When they meet and your shitty ex makes a mean comment? Luffy gets his murder expression and punches that guy to the other side if the city.

You get luffys hat whenever you need emotional support. No questions asked. You get to sit in his favourite spot whenever you want to. You even get the last bite of delicious food if it's what you need.

[lefluoritesys]

It's so weird to feel excluded in DID spaces because... we don't suffer 24/7. And I mean we don't suffer so much, we actually have a good experience with DID most of the time, and it genuienly helps us survive. Like we're not perfect, of course, but the good overrides the bad, and most of our problems don't come from alters.

I could pop in to front and ask an alter at front to not talk to somebody, or do something for me, and they would. If they have questions, they'd ask. Like, "Hey, I don't like this person... can you be careful around them?" or "Don't share that info about me", and they'd be like "Okay, cool" and move on.

We found ways to differenciate between each other, and sometimes dissociation actually makes us feel better. Because with too many alters in front, we can temporarily dissociate into one blob that would let us function. Best part? It lets us use all the roles of alters inf ront at once as this one blob. Temporary merging that isn't really temporary merging, to be honest... I have no idea how else to describe it. it is but it isn't. And even if there is dissociation, it's not cause of alters, it's cause of our brain being a bitch.

I sometimes lean back in my chair in the front room when I'm in control of the body, turn to our physical persecutor (who also happens to be my best friend), and go, "Hey, you good if I do homework on your subject today?" And they go, "Sure. You sure you can do it tho? Like, do you have memories of how?" And I'd go, "I think so, I just don't wanna switch rn, I'll call you if I need help, though." And they'd go "Cool."

Like, don't get me wrong, we have had problems. But they were never because somebody was bad, they were because of people's actions that were honestly mostly fueled by being abused, trauma, and figuring out how to properly function. No one was ever the problem. We have alters who are just awful, but that's a separate problem. People in front for us are lovely. Sometimes we have fights, sometimes we have relapses, sometimes we just have horrible things happen to each other or IRL or something else. But no one is ever the problem. We never had that mentality that DID, and our alters, were the problem. Their actions are sometimes, but not them as separate personalities. Actually, we had problems with each other and with DID because people outside told us we should. DID improved our lives, and the areas that it didn't, we never saw it as it "ruined" them, it just... made them harder, and told us there are different ways we need to go about daily stuff and life. To each other, we're literally just people with mental health issues who are trying to make the body functional, but also? We're even kinda happy to be here. And if not happy, at the very least neutral enough not to want to become one.

It's so weird hanging around here, having a blog dedicated to spread positivity about DID, kinda being like:

"Hello, we are actually... functional. And would have always been if people didn't try to convince us otherwise out of their own misery and want for everyone else to be miserable."

We have issues, but they're not because of DID, DID actually helps us with them. It doesn't make us feel invalid, I don't think, but it does make us question whether we belong in DID community. And we have a lot of alters with low empathy, somehow, that makes us more compassionate? It's such a weird problem to have. It shouldn't even be a problem but here we are.

-host

[cyanidas]

🃏 Kokichi Ouma Age-up Timeline 🍇

Here, I've used his initial designs as inspiration! I like looking back at older designs cause for a lot of them, it's like watching them grow up!

Headcanons under cut (HUUUGE SPOILER WARNING FOR DRV3)

(Content Warning for child abuse, mental illness and disorder, self harm, generally dark and unsettling topics ahead)

-=-

First off, I'm firm in my take that Tsumugi was lying about everyone being fictional. There's a lot that doesn't match up, and the local V3 fandom celebrity responsible for the Amalgamate fic has helped me tremendously in solidifying my stance. I think they absolutely do belong to the DR universe, but the memories they get that aren't part of their backstory are completely fabricated.

If there's any additional input on V3 in Raincode, don't let me know because I haven't played yet ;w;

That said, there's many things I, like Kokichi, will refuse to clarify or elaborate on. His character demands mystery, and it would be a trivialization of his writing to just. lay it all out there. I think approaching his writing with the mindset of knowing the whole truth would be to bastardize his integrity and simplify him in a distasteful way - so all my headcanons here will be written and are intended to be seen as broad strokes as opposed to finely tuned detail.

-=-

I like to think of his past as muddy and confusing, even to him. There's not a lot he can remember clearly, and constantly confuses different takes on his memories. To me, it's clear that lying is a huge trauma thing to him - I would assume multiple sources would be responsible, like authority, family, and peers.

He's been lying as a means of survival, with multiple layers of how he feels about it - despite what he says, there's not actually one truth. Multiple truths exist for one single thing, and I think that mindset is something that scares him tremendously - he'd probably say that reality is just a lie you tell yourself, in order to justify trivializing and minimizing both feelings/emotion and trauma.

In his head, there's so much wrong with him that he can't even begin to unravel himself and understand everything that's happened to him, why he does what he does, why he feels what he feels... so on. He feels multiple things that often contradict each other, and he doesn't know how to understand that, so he often switches his justifications to suit whatever narrative he needs to cope.

In general, however, he claims he's just lying. There are in fact, genuine times he does actually lie... but rather than being a true compulsive liar, he is actually a compulsive method actor. He's so empathetic to everything and everyone, that he can easily switch his masking techniques to suit whatever he or others need, and does so involuntarily most of the time, though he does know how to "switch it on" purposefully.

In his earlier ages, he may have suffered from a guardianship similar to what those who have DID had gone through (not me projecting lol /hj). He's been bred and born into tragedy, not unlike Komaeda but absolutely distinct from him in that I do not believe this boy has had any good luck with anything in his life - not family, not friends, not money, nothing. I might even go so far as to assume that, similar to Yasuhiro having an unnaturally high good luck, Kokichi is suffering from unnaturally high bad luck.

I noticed that, on a lot of his designs, he seems to have always had *something* covering at least one of his hands - and even on his final design, though it could just be a design fluke or something weird with perspective I misunderstood, you can see the smallest scrap of fabric underneath his right sleeve that could be seen as another hand/wrist covering. When lined up with the other designs, it could very easily be taken as a wrist bandage - at least by my eyes. So, I (and a lot of others it seems, especially those who identify with him) have taken this to mean he may in fact be self-harming, and has been for a long while. Anyone who hyperfixates on this guy wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if that turned out to be true.

I think that age 11 is probably what Kokichi himself would think of as his 'turning point', just going off of my little chart here; something tremendously awful happened to him, then. To fuel speculation and abide by his character rules, all I'm going to definitively say is... he likely wouldn't even trust doctors with a needle, let alone his life.

So, the hardest year of any modern kid's life... 12 years old. In my family especially, it's the worst year you'll ever face, and my god was that true for me. So I think this year fits him for gaining his... as the creators put it, 'otherworldly' expressive nature. This is the year he completely stops putting effort into trying to understand the truth, and fully embraces the chaos that is his reality. He's fine!!!!!! :)))))

He mellows out around 15, and I like to think of this year as his cringe-fail-iest year to date. This motherfucker would likely be seen in Hot Topic, jamming to MCR, glomping his friends, verbally roleplaying, so forth. His phone signature is a series of kaomojis. Idk if there's a similar equivalent of being a cringe baby weeb for Japanese who are my age, so I'm really just basing this on my own experience of being 15 in 2011. But whatever the equivalent is, he is absolutely it. 15 year old Kokichi is current Kokichi's most embarrassing time ever.

However, it's also likely the age he started his talent's namesake - of becoming the Ultimate Supreme Leader. Which, I choose to believe is, much like Kokichi in general, both true and false. Same for his actual group, DICE. Both is good ;o)

Following his talent, he has a natural command to his voice that feels as though you're forced to hear him speak. No one can really talk over him unless their ability to do so demands it - say for example, Sonia, the SHSL Princess. Due to the nature of their talents, I think Sonia's voice and ability to command would absolutely trump Kokichi's. However, due to the aforementioned bad luck, people are compelled to not trust him - even if what he's saying is true. (Kokichi voice: oh pythia we're really in it now)

Also, you can't really tell because of all the scarring, but 15 and 19 are the ages where he stopped going outside so he's paler and paler, lol

And my last one, I love to imagine that due to his talent, he's actually intensely adept at fighting, especially dodging. In fact, I think he's even way smarter than he'd like to believe!

[catnipaddictt]

No plan

wc: 3k

series masterlist ⭑ co-creator @memoiich

Getting out of Qui Gon’s van, you finally reach the Alderaan apartment complex. You climb the 4 flights of stairs, unlock your door, and effectively fall inside. Flicking on the old light switch, the overhead lights flicker into action, illuminating the space. You shed your bag and kick off your shoes before making a beeline towards the shower. You let the hot water wash away the memories of the stressful day you just had, trying to forget about your most prized possession; Shelby. After your shower, you make your way over to your bed and collapse into it face first. Today has been long and hard as well as a bit of a disaster. And lucky you, you get to do it tomorrow and the day after that, and then… you try not to dwell on it. Suddenly tiredness hits you like a truck and you fall asleep quickly.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Your alarm goes off. Great. But today will be more bearable, you only have to call into work for 2 hours tops. Rex only has one meeting today meaning you can do most of your work remotely. You swing your legs out of bed and dress quickly, grabbing your bag and piece of slightly burnt toast as you head out your door. Having realised that walking to work isn’t going to go well in the long run, you pull out your holo, searching for public transport options. Fortunately there is a shuttle that runs to almost exactly where Paper Force is. Even though Mr. Kenobi and Jinn offered you a ride to work today, you felt bad, and you weren’t completely hopeless.

You were completely hopeless. You somehow managed to get on the wrong shuttle and ended up at the other side of the city, the opposite of where you needed to be about 10 minutes ago. Running a hand through your hair you scroll on your holo, locating what shuttle you need to get on to get to your office. Finally you figure out what one to take, wave it down, pay probably too much, and take a seat.

20 minutes later you arrive at the office, thankfully still having just under half an hour before the meeting begins. “You’re late again” Rex. “I’m so sorry sir, I took the wrong bus” You say, slightly terrified. “Is this going to be a common thing?” He asks. “No, it won’t happen again”. “Good, now please go set up the meeting, office 8”. You scurry down the hall and into meeting office 8. The long table is almost set up, all you need to do is connect the powerpoint and wait for it to begin.

Not even 10 minutes later, your co-workers entered. You took your seat off to the side, next to Rex, who would sit at the head of the table. You made eye contact with Obi wan. He smiled back and started walking over, only to be beaten by the Zabrak from yesterday. He sat down quickly and glared at Obi wan. 'Odd' was all you could call it. Maybe you had judged the Zabrak too early, You tried to introduce yourself “ hey, I'm y/n”. He looked up, stared at you for a bit and looked back to his computer he had set up before him. "I know, Rex has been screaming it for the last 2 days” he gave you a bored yet judging look.

You heard a long drawn out sign. You looked up to where the sound came from and saw Obi wan with his head up and his arms crossed above it. He looked at you while changing his posture “Maul isn’t very talkative, I'm afraid" he whispered to you, now leaning over the table, arms still crossed. The Zabrak next to you, known as Maul, let out a grumble. “He also doesn't warm up” he added. “I do, but only to people with talent” maul spoke up “you don’t have any, Kenobi”. Obi wan rolled his eyes lazily. Rex walked in with the blue twi’lik behind him. Obi wan scouted back, sitting normally.

You were here to write everything down, it was quite fun for you, a bit of a challenge sometimes but enjoyable. Orn Free Taa took his seat at the other end of the table. The meeting began and you started typing away. It was about 20 minutes in when you noticed the Zabrak next to you glancing, his eyes kept trailing to your typing hands. When he looked over again you quickly turned so you caught his gaze. He looked surprised and maybe embarrassed you mouthed a question; “what are you looking at?” He turned his eyes away and made a typing impression with his hands beneath the table and then a thumb up, it was definitely a bit awkward but you nodded. He was impressed by your typing. How nice. You were talented.

You started up with a satisfying smile. A snort left the man in front of you, looking at him confused. He made an overly dramatic gesture, somewhat like a schoolgirl who just got a love letter. You were still very confused. He leaned back a bit while swiping his hand in the air, in a “it's not important” kind of way. You let it go and went back to typing. Obi wan got called by Rex, who looked annoyed at him. He quickly went into his explanation of the deal. It was quite impressive how he transitioned so smoothly.

The meeting ended soon after, since Orn Free Taa was almost immediately convinced by Obi Wan's explanation, but there was still a lot that needed to happen for the merch. So maul was taken off the project and Obi wan was put as main associate for paper force. Maul didn’t get time to mourn since he would now work on the next deal with Dathomir imperium. To your surprise you were also appointed to the job since it seemed that the salesmen were horrible at planning.

You were a bit nervous to work on this new project, you dwelled on it for a bit but were pulled out of your thoughts by Maul suddenly appearing in front of you. ”When can we work on the project?" he asked “I normally work alone but I know Dathomir well and they don’t appreciate waiting, so you might be useful”. Dathomir imperium was a women owned hobby lobby that was mainly well known for their high quality inks they produced in house. “I can't work this evening but tomorrow evening may work” you said. Maul huffed and scratched something down on a piece of paper. “that's my number I won’t be in tomorrow, call me” Maul said handing you the little paper, and then he walked off.

Obi Wan appeared behind you. "He seemed to have taken a liking to you” he spoke, spooking you, you hadn’t noticed him. Turning around you answered ”he was impressed by my typing” while mimicking the typing with your hands.” Good with your hands huh” obi wans words had just left his lips when his eyes widened and he started to sputter “i-i didn’t mean to” you cut him off “it's alright". You were already laughing at how quick the cool and calm façade slipped. “I am indeed good with my hands“ you bit back .

Obi wan was flustered, very very flustered. He didn’t mean to flirt but he wasn’t regretting it, not one bit. “Should I walk you to the door?” he asked still very flustered. “To the door? Are you kicking me out, Obi Wan?” you asked back, glinting with mischief. "No no, I wouldn’t dare to” he said with a roll of his eyes “I simply am not allowed to leave, Rex would hunt me down himself” he started walking towards the hallway and you followed .

He opened the door to the outside. “What are plans for tomorrow?” he questioned with a smile on his face. "I have to come to work and then I might have a work-date with Maul” you answered. Obi Wan's smile fell for a second and lifted back up straight after “well then good luck with that, I need to go back up" and with that he turned and walked away. You started your commute home.

It was only midday so you decided to stop in at a small bakery on the way back to your apartment to get your lunch. The outside of the bakery is a light blue, with white shutters and wildflowers growing in the barrels outside, it looked like something out of a fairytale.

When you walk inside a bell dings above you, signaling that someone has entered the shop. An older man with longer hair and a pointed beard looks up from the book he was reading behind the counter. “Hello miss, what can I get for you today?” He asks rather sternly. “Well...I…uh” you reply looking at the cabinet of available food, It was filled with breads, pastries, pies, sandwiches, and other baked goods. Another ding of the bell signals someone else has walked in. You look back up at the man, “I’ll just have a Ryshcate please, and a coffee to go”. He nods and pulls out the pastry, and places it in a brown paper bag. You pass over the credits, tell him your name and he points to a seat where you can sit and wait for your drink. The man calls out a name; “Padme, coffee to go please!”.

A beautiful young woman enters from a door behind the counter . Her long brown hair flows perfectly behind her as moves. The next customer who you almost forgot about moves towards the counter. You don’t see the person’s face but you immediately recognize his voice. The irritating mechanic from yesterday morning. He smiles and greets the man “Sio, how are you?, haven’t seen you around here in a while”. The older man, called Sio, returns the pleasantries, you can tell that the mechanic is most likely a regular. “So what will it be today?” Sio asks. “Just the usual, oh and and a crumble-bun for Soka” Sio speaks to Padme who looks at the mechanic. She glares, he smiles.

The mechanic turns away, and spots you, he must recognize you as he raises an eyebrow. He pushes off the counter and moves towards you. “It's rude to ease-drop, you know.” You don’t reply and he rolls his eyes. “I ordered the parts for Shelby” He states. “You remembered her name” you say surprised. “Yeah well”. Padme speaks your name from the counter and you stand up to collect your precious caffeine. The mechanic moves as well, seeing that his order is also ready. You take the paper cup from her and smile, saying a polite ‘thank you’. You turn away clutching your paper bag and mug. You hear the mechanic and Padme exchange words as you head out the door, beginning your trek home.

“Hey miss!” you hear from behind you. What does he want now, you internally sigh. “Do you want to come by the shop? I have a few things to go over with you, if you aren't working that is?” The mechanic asks. You look down at your holo, realising that it's only just after midday, maybe visiting Shelby will make your day better. “Okay” you reply to him. “Great, I'll give you a lift, you don’t have a rental or anything do you?” The mechanic asks. “No”. Now that you think of it, it would have been wise to look into getting a rental while Shelby is in disrepair. He seems to hear your thoughts as he speaks; “You should probably look into that”. You nod before he begins to guide you towards the same pick-up as yesterday. “I hope you don’t mind teenagers”.

You sit in the back seat of the pickup truck as said teenager talks to the mechanic. Who’s name you now know; Anakin . The two chatter away about some engine related thing you don’t understand as you chew your food. The pastry is good, you will definitely be returning there in the future.

After a 20 minute drive the truck pulls up to the MustaCar building. You take in its faded sign and sad selection of plants, no weeds, in the small garden out front. Anakin parks the vehicle and you undo your seatbelt, hopping out of your seat onto solid ground. “Your car, sorry Shelby is this way” The teenager, called Ahsoka, speaks as she points her head towards the garage. You follow Ahsoka and Anakin as they walk and talk; “So she’ll probably be here for a while, shipping is slow this time of the year” Anakin says. He opens the door and there she is. Your Shelby sits there looking as wonderful as ever, you can’t help the small smile that grows on your face. You never realised how much of a constant your car was in your life, and it had been over 24 hours since you had last seen her.

Ahsoka moves around Shelby, pointing and explaining things that seem alien to you. You must look dumbfounded as she starts to use simpler terms. You watch Anakin as he rolls up his sleeves and opens your car’s engine, gesturing for you to come look. As you make your way over to the engine you really take in the whole garage. It's clearly very old, but still has a charm. Pinned posters half fall off the walls and the smell of car oil is overpowering. You can see that a main seating room is to the right of the work space, as well as a reception and hallways with what you suppose are offices. A few other mechanics stand in the corner by a table, sipping in their drinks. One catches your eye and lets out a low whistle.

You quickly move to Anakin and he yells something at the other man. “Ignore them, unless you like the attention, '' he grins. After Anakin tells you what he is going to need to do to Shelby he wipes his slightly greasy hands on his jeans and straightens up. “Do you need a ride home or do you want to walk in the rain?” He gestures to the outside, where in fact it has started raining. “I'll walk” you state, still not impressed by his overall attitude and demeanor. “It was rhetorical sweetheart, I'll drop you off, but you are gonna have to get a rental, not everyone is your personal taxi-driver” he sneers. You scoff at his comment, “I'd rather walk” you reply. You were getting sick of his talk.

He turns and jogs a few steps, disappearing behind a corner. I guess that's that then, you think to yourself. You thought too soon as he appeared again with a rather sad looking umbrella. “at least take this, then you will have to come back in at some point, your new fan-club would like it” he nods towards the group of mechanics in the corner, letting out a small laugh. You roll your eyes and take the umbrella from him. You utter a thanks and turn on your heel, making a beeline towards the door. “Leaving so soon?!” One of the mechanics calls out as you leave, you hear Anakin speak as you step outside into the downpour; “hey, leave her alone man”.

Your walk home is, well, rather depressing. The rain only gets heavier as you walk through puddles of water collecting in the uneven footpath. When you reach your apartment, you are completely soaked, the umbrella not really helping as the wind was pushing the rain on a diagonal. As you make your way to the kitchen where you seat down your bag before, going to your rooms to change into something dry. When you return you reach into your bag, retrieving some slightly soggy paperwork to complete. The 20 plus pages full of fine text stare back at you. It was going to be a long afternoon and probably night.

“Why are we going back again?” she says as Anakin stares straight ahead. “Because, snips, we are on a special mission” he tries to lighten the mood, but his body language says otherwise. “I can’t believe Palpatine is getting us to spy on them” Ahsoka grumbles. “We aren’t spying as such, we are just checking it out” He replies. “So spying”. Anakin rolls his eyes.

Pulling up to a parking spot, Ahsoka swings open the door hopping out. Anakin removes the keys and exits, they close their doors in unison, Over the few years Ahsoka had been Anakin 's apprentice they had formed a close bond, some would even comment on how they bicker like siblings. They had their ups and downs but overall got along very well, but the breaktime gossip sessions did help. The pair walk the few blocks to Sith Auto Dominion, slowing down significantly outside of the shop, trying to not make it obvious that they are looking so intently. It doesn’t work.

A woman walks out of the Shop; “Skywalker and his little friend” she sneers. “Asajj, you look lovely as ever” Anakin says. Asajj Ventress was a mechanic, and a good one at that. She was half the reason that MustaCar was bringing in low profit. Her skills were good, too good. The dathomirian placed her hands on her hips glaring at the pair, “this is the 2nd time I have seen you around here, why don’t you skitter back to your cute, little shop” She speaks the last part in a babying voice. Ahsoka lets out a loud huff at the comment. “That's not very welcoming, I thought we were friends Asajj” Anakin says, putting on a fake smile. “And here I thought my shift would be unpleasant” Ventress replies, “What is it you really want Anakin Skywalker?” She speaks his name with a tone of disgust. “Do I really need a reason to visit you?” Ventress raises her eyebrow before speaking “Run along, you are wasting my time, and my time equals money, something you aren’t familiar with”. Anakin 's expression flickers slightly, before he grins “Lovely as always, I will make sure to stop by more often” Anakin nods his head at Ahsoka and they turn to leave. Anakin looks back “And Ventress, that shirt really does your eyes wonders”.

[the-cult-of-riley]

Sleeping With Ghosts (Act One: Chapter One)

Simon 'Ghost' Riley x Female OC

[[Masterlist]]

A/N: So, I hope Simon doesn't come across as out of character or anything in Act One. Just as a reminder, this is Simon and not Ghost. In my opinion, he doesn't become Ghost until after the Mexico incident and after his family have all been killed, which hasn't happened yet.

I've got a few different Ghost stories on the go and it's fascinating to me how many different facets this man can have depending on the circumstances. With this story, he learns to love and winds up married before he's Ghost which obviously changes things. This Simon is very different to one of my others who never had that and then has to learn to deal with feelings as Ghost. The man's brain is just fun to dive into and to watch how things change when I switch things up.

Act One starts off… well, it starts off horny, not gonna lie lmao Act One and Act Two have very different vibes as you'll come to find out.

Nine Inch Nails - Closer

(Help me) I broke apart my insides (Help me) I've got no soul to sell (Help me) The only thing that works for me Help me get away from myself

I wanna fuck you like an animal I wanna feel you from the inside I wanna fuck you like an animal My whole existence is flawed You get me closer to God

2006

The sky was dark and murky, a light dusting of rain starting to come down. The kind of rain that was so fine you barely felt it, yet would soak you anyway. Simon was glad to be sitting under the roof of the bus stop. The bus had almost ten more minutes to get there and he was already impatient. For the millionth time, he asked himself why the fuck he didn't get a car, wasn't like he couldn't afford one now. 

Being back here always set him on edge. He hated Manchester, it just held too many bad memories for him, yet something about it was just inherently… home. Not to mention he wanted to be close to his mum, to Tommy and Beth. The girl was pregnant now and he felt something stirring in his chest at the idea of his baby brother being a dad. That was all he ever wanted for him, to have a good life, and now he was freshly married to the love of his life and expecting a child. Simon was happy for him. Happy and maybe secretly a bit jealous. He knew he wasn't built for that though, just wasn't in the cards for him. 

He heaved a sigh as he glanced around, watching as cars moved passed in a blur. It wasn't exactly the same piss poor area of Manchester he lived in as a kid, the military paid far better than the butchers did. He could afford an apartment on the outskirts of the city centre now. Could afford one in the city centre if he wanted it but he really loathed being around so many people. He'd always been antisocial and with a childhood like his, who could blame him? But now at 23 years old, after seeing and doing things in the military that most people couldn't comprehend… well, he didn't feel human half the fucking time. 

With another deep sigh, he brought his arm up, pushing his navy blue jumper sleeve out the way so he could see his watch. 8 more minutes. He wondered if he should just walk home, never one to enjoy the wait for anything. He wasn't too far. Tommy had invited him out for a drink and he'd picked a pub near the city centre. He reckoned he could get home in under 15 minutes if he walked, but then movement caught his eye and he lazily glanced to his left. 

A girl was hurrying down the pavement through the mist of rain. She had on a black dress that screamed ‘night out’. It looked shiny, like some kind of satin that clung to her in all the right places. She was a tiny thing yet her body was the perfect hourglass, the dress only highlighting it with its thin straps and its neck that was dangerously low. She had long brown hair tumbling down her shoulders in waves, the colour a stark contrast to her skin that was as pale as snow. 

Instead of the ankle breaking heels he'd expect with a dress like this, she was wearing combat boots. Docs, he noticed, when she got closer and he saw the yellow stitching. As she got nearer, he saw the glint of a nose ring and could see a few tattoos dotted along her pale skin. Fuckin' hell. She was so… different. 

It had been a while since his interest had been piqued. He'd resigned himself to just one nighters that meant nothing when he was on leave. Nameless faces from bars when he was out of it. Pretty enough to get his dick going but not interesting enough to stop him from sneaking out in the morning and never speaking to them again. 

He expected the girl to walk right past the bus stop, anticipated the glorious view he knew he'd get from behind as she did. But instead, she turned into the bus stop, hair dripping wet as she shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. She plonked heavily on the bench beside him, leaving some space between them. Her scent floated over to him then and he was powerless to take a deep inhale. Fuckin' hell. There was something fruity like peach or apricot, but there was also vanilla and something deeper, darker. Something so alluring that he shifted in his seat and cursed himself. He hadn't been laid since his last leave and he blamed the lack of human touch for the stirring in his jeans. 

He cast a sideways glance at her, his dark eyes taking in her trembling form. He noticed a few things up close then that he hadn't seen in her approach. Like the tear tracks down her pretty cheeks and her red and puffy eyes. Bright blue they were. Like the ocean in some far off country when the sun hit it just right, but they were marred by the red surrounding them. He noticed then how her right arm, the one closest to him, was covered in what looked like fresh bruises and a graze down her forearm that was slowly oozing blood. Something quick smacked him in the chest as a barrage of memories struck him like a freight train. 

“You in trouble, sweetheart?” He asked, his voice low and she whipped over to look at him. Those pretty blue eyes flicked over his face rapidly, taking him in, sizing him up. Then they settled back on his own dark eyes. Fuckin' hell. When was the last time someone had looked at him like that? He wasn't sure he'd ever been looked at with whatever this look was but it was stirring something deep inside of him. His eyes darted to the arm she'd fucked up and her eyes followed, realization crossing her face as she did. 

“Oh… no, I fell over,” she replied with a shake of her head. Her voice was soft, sweet sounding and despite the situation he found himself in, his treacherous brain wondered what it would sound like moaning his name. He didn't realise he'd turned into a touch starved sexual deviant. 

“Heard that one before, love,” he countered with a raise of his brow and it caused her to snort, amusement dancing across her pretty features. 

“No, I really did fall. Tore out of the club like a bat out of hell and tripped over. Bouncer was nice enough to help me up,” she murmured, giving him a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

“Not nice enough to patch you up though, yeah?” He asked sardonically and her smile brightened into a more genuine one with amusement once more. 

“Guess not,” she shrugged as she turned to look back out at the road. He watched her sombre face for a little longer before his eyes drifted back to her arm.

“You’re bleedin’,” he muttered, pointing out the obvious. She glanced at her arm before shrugging again carelessly. He sighed to himself before he shifted, grabbing the bandana from his back pocket. 

He gently took her arm, making her eyes snap to him, watching him curiously as he held her forearm. It gave him an excuse to touch her. Fuckin’ hell, she was soft. He also got a glimpse at some of her tattoos now. On the inside of her forearm were three cards. Tarot cards or whatever the fuck they were called. He had no idea what the cards meant but there was Death, Three of Swords and The Tower, all of which looked not very positive and made him wonder why the fuck she had them inked onto her skin. He had to admit that the artwork was pretty nice though. He felt her pretty blue eyes boring into him as he started to wrap the bandana around her forearm where it was bleeding from the graze. It was silent and he tried to think of something to say, wishing he was more social so he could actually get to know her a little better. 

“You ever wonder what the point is?” she asked after a long moment. He was taking his sweet time tying the bandana off, wanting to prolong the contact he had with her. 

“The point of what?” he asked curiously, eyes flitting to her morose face.

“Living. What's the point in everything, why are we here? What's the point?” she asked with a frown and he felt something tugging deep in his chest.

“Should I be worried you're gonna fling yourself off a roof, love?” he asked warily, finishing tying the knot in the bandana. His hands left her skin then but he stayed facing her. She heaved a sigh that even he could feel the heaviness to as he watched her carefully.

“I’m not gonna kill myself. I just… everything's miserable, you know? I came out of the womb with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. Almost died. Mum always told me it would have been better if I would have, maybe that was a sign,” she muttered and the words made a deep ache pinch inside of him. She said it so matter of factly and a frown etched onto his face. 

“That's pretty grim,” he remarked, unsure of what to say. He wanted to comfort her but he had a feeling she didn't want comforting. She laughed then and it startled him. A genuine laugh that felt like bells chiming all around him and making his inside feel like they were about to turn into outsides. She smiled up at him and he suddenly felt unable to breathe. Fuckin’ hell. 

“Grim should be my middle name with the life I’ve had. Just found out my boyfriend of four years has been cheating on me with my best mate. So now I’m out of a boyfriend and a friend,” she was still smiling but this time more mockingly and she turned her eyes away from him. 

“Whoever he is, he's a fuckin’ tosser then. What kind of arsehole would cheat on a girl like you?” he asked with a shake of his head. It annoyed him to think. Whoever this dickhead was, he didn't deserve her. That bright smile graced her face again then and he found himself wanting to bring it to her face more often.

“A girl like me?” she asked with a cheeky glint in her eyes. It made his heart thump wildly against his ribs as he looked down at her. 

“You're beautiful,” he said simply, watching as heat seemed to sweep up her entire body. What a pretty colour pink was on her cheeks. She let out a breathy laugh as she turned away, a bashful look on her face that melted off in seconds.

“Not beautiful enough apparently,” she replied with a shrug. He wanted to argue with her. Wanted to tell her that she was more than beautiful enough and the guy was just a  piece of shit. Yet the words died in his throat, struggling to comfort a stranger at the bus stop.

“The relationship was a mess anyway, I should have seen it coming. It got to that point where we stayed together because it was more convenient than to split. We were just going through the motions. But my best mate? It's a slap in the face having both of them sneak about like that. It's the lies that bothers me the most, you know? Probably for the best anyway, the sex was miserable,” she rambled with a huff and he chuckled at her. 

“That right?” he asked with amusement and she glanced to him with that pretty smile and eyes that spelled trouble.

“Mhm. Never had an orgasm with him, can you believe that?” she asked and he blinked dumbly at her for a moment as his brain registered her words. He hardly expected her to come out with something so personal. 

“Never?” he asked, sounding incredulous. This arsehole was bringing shame to all men with this bullshit. It wasn't hard to get a girl off, he had no idea how some guys had problems like this. 

“Never. Had to fake it the entire time and it was so boring. He never wanted to try anything. Probably ‘cause he was doing it all with Jessica,” she said the name with a mocking smile and a roll of her eyes before her face turned miserable once more. 

“What kinda stuff did you wanna try?” He asked. He was curious, he wouldn't lie about it. Wondered just what naughty things the girl wanted to get up to that her miserable wet blanket of an ex wouldn't allow her to. But he also didn't like that sad far away look on her face so he figured they could keep the conversation going in this direction. 

She glanced at him then with that pretty pink hue back on her cheeks and a demure look in her eyes. He could practically see the cogs whirring away in her head as she contemplated telling a random stranger at the bus stop about what she wanted to get up to in bed. 

“I won't judge, love. Promise,” he added, hoping to ease her worries. His curiosity was getting worse with each passing second, a more primal part of his brain just itching to know what she wanted, wanting to know just what she liked. 

She looked away again, pursing her lips for a moment before she blew out a breath. 

“It's nothing… too kinky or whatever. I just didn't get to try anything. Wanted to start easy, I guess. Wanted to try dirty talk, or more like someone talking dirty to me. Guys being vocal, words or moans… it always got me going a bit, but fucking him was like fucking a corpse,” she huffed and a chuckle got pulled from Simon's throat. 

“And I've always wanted to try… being submissive. The idea of a dominant man in bed appeals to me. Spanking, hair pulling, a bit of choking… But not like degradation or anything, my self esteem is too battered for that,” she snorted self deprecatingly and a smile tugged at his lips at her admission. Little lamb wanted to play submissive, did she? He shifted where he sat, hoping to conceal the bulge forming in his jeans at the thought of her submitting to him like that. His hands wrapped around that pretty little throat as he impaled her on his cock over and over. Fuckin' hell.

“Praise, then?” He asked, dark eyes boring into her and watching as she nibbled on her plump lower lip. Her blue eyes locked on his at his low and gravelly tone, something sparkling behind them as a shy smile curled her lips.

“I've never been praised in bed but I think I'd like it. Like a cat getting head rubs,” she grinned impishly and it was so endearing that he had to temper the urge down to kiss her.

“You wanna be called a good girl, is that it?” he asked, unable to hide the sinful undertone to his voice as he leaned closer to her. He felt the energy shift between them as he blinked lazily at her, like a lion basking in the sun and watching its prey. She looked at him with those pretty doe eyes, lips slightly parted and he watched how her eyes drifted to his lips before floating back up to his eyes. She nodded, the dusting of pink still sitting prettily on her cheeks.

“Words, sweetheart,” he drawled, a surge of something primal stirring inside of him at her little intake of breath at his words.

“Yes,” she admitted softly, seemingly unable to take her eyes off him. He was painfully hard now, his cock pressing uncomfortably on his restrictive jeans.

“You wanna be my good girl, love?” he purred, dark eyes swirling with so many promises if she agreed. Jesus, he wanted her to agree, more than he wanted anything in his entire life. He wasn't quite sure what had come over him.

“Yes,” she murmured breathlessly, “please,” she added and the smile that graced her face was devilish and he once again felt unable to breathe. Fuckin’ hell, I’m in trouble.

A noise he could only describe as a growl rumbled in the back of his throat as he reached out, his large hand gripping her jaw as he leaned down and crashed his lips to hers. Her hand fisted his jumper as she leaned closer, melting into him in a way that pleased him deep inside. His grip on her jaw was firm and his other hand snaked to the nape of her neck as he fisted her hair, tugging it a little. 

She let out a gasp that jolted through his entire being and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue inside her mouth to really taste her. She relented to him instantly, allowing him control as he explored every inch of her mouth. He could taste the cheap whisky she’d had back at the bar and he’d never liked the taste more. He lapped up every bit of her he could, allowing it to set his body on fire before he had to pull away, only for the sheer need to breathe. 

He was breathless when he pulled away and she looked dazed, her pretty eyes blinking up at him like she was somewhere else. His thumb stroked her cheek gently and it brought a smile to her face that had him melting all over again. Her eyes drifted to his lips before back to his eyes and this time, she was the one to lean up, capturing his lips. It was more tame and a lot slower than his desperate kiss but no less sensual. He let her explore him this time, loving how her hand splayed over his heart as she pushed closer to him. He pulled away when he heard the tell tale sounds of the bus down the road and he moved away from her, flashing her a sinful smile as he stood,

“Comin’, love?” he asked her, raising a brow. She flushed pink, taking his hand as she stood.

“I hope so,” she murmured wryly and it startled a laugh of him which only served to make her face light up.

“Fuckin’ hell,” he snorted, shaking his head fondly at her. He tugged her closer and she fell into him, one hand still wrapped in his as the other went back to his chest. His eyes darted to the bus as it got closer before back to her radiant face. 

“You'll definitely be comin’, sweetheart, I promise you that,” he assured her, giving her a serious look. 

“You seem confident you’ll get an orgasm out of me,” she grinned cheekily at him and he licked his lower lip, loving how her eyes darted to the movement.

“I’ll get more than one outta you,” he smirked and she snorted a soft laugh, eyes twinkling at him.

“That right?” she asked, sounding amused like she didn't believe him. She’d damn well find out. 

“Mhm. I’ll get at least three outta you,” he grinned wickedly and her eyes widened as she swallowed thickly. He already knew just how he’d be getting those from her too.

“Three? Are you serious?” she asked slowly, like he was stupid.

“As a fuckin’ heart attack, love,” he murmured and her cheeks flushed. The bus pulled up then and he led her on, paying both their fares for them before leading her to the back where no one was sitting. 

She sat close to him, hand still in his and he was glad she hadn't tried to take it back. He had this deep desire to be as close as possible with her and he still didn't understand it. He never did this. He did impersonal fucks after getting drunk at a bar. Going back to their place so he could slip out before morning without having to speak to them. Hell, sometimes he couldn’t even be bothered with that and just fucked them in the alley outside or the fucking toilets. He didn't do whatever the hell this was, yet he couldn't bring himself to stop. He just wanted more. The bus started moving again and he glanced to her as a thought occurred to him.

“Name’s Simon, by the way. Thought you should know since you’ll be screamin’ it soon,” he drawled, leaning closer to her. She laughed, amusement and mischief dancing across her face as she blinked up at him.

“Does that line usually work?” she asked cheekily and he scoffed, trying to look offended but it was hard when she was making him smile like a fucking psychopath. 

“Dunno, never used it before. Did it work?” he asked with a devilish grin and she giggled at him. It was such a precious sound that he wished he could record it and play it over and over when he was overseas in the deepest trenches of war. Her tongue swiped over her top teeth and she looked deep in thought for a moment, her body leaning into him even more and allowing him to drink in her scent.

“I’ll give you an eight out of ten for trying,” she smirked and his jaw dropped for a minute, eyes narrowing at her.

“You're givin’ me a participation award?” he asked slowly and she snorted, flashing him a pretty smile.

“The good girl line was way better,” she shrugged with a grin and he leaned in, unable to help himself. Who the fuck was this girl and why was she making him feel this way? His lips ghosted hers and her breathing hitched, making him almost purr in delight at her reactions to him.

“Never told me your name, love,” he murmured softly, rubbing his nose against hers teasingly as she tried to chase his lips for a kiss.  

“Charlotte,” she supplied and he finally graced her with the kiss she was after. Her lips were so soft against his and he loved the way she clung to him, gripping his jumper when he kissed her like this. He broke away, nipping at her lower lip and dragging a moan from her that should have been shameful on the back of the bus but neither of them seemed to care. 

“Charlotte,” he repeated, testing how her name tasted on his tongue. She seemed to light up at hearing it coming from him though. Pretty little thing was so responsive to him, he couldn't wait to get her into bed.

Looking up, he saw his stop coming up and he stood, leading her by her hand again to the front of the bus. She went willingly, her other hand curling around his arm as the bus swayed and jostled her. He glanced down at her, so small but yet fitting perfectly at his side like this and he felt something light up deep in the recesses of his hollow chest. She looked up and gave him this sweet smile. As if he wasn't some random stranger she met at the bus stop. Some random guy that was bringing her back to his place for a good time. She looked at him like she’d known him her whole life, like they'd known each other before. Looked at him like he meant something. 

He was brought out of his thoughts by the bus stopping, the door opening with a screech. His heart was hammering with anticipation of what was about to happen. Never in his life had he been this excited to fuck someone. Not even when he lost his virginity to some older girl in school he couldn't even remember the name of. This whole situation had him feeling so unlike himself, but he didn't hate it either. He felt like he was being sucked into a black hole and he was just allowing it to happen. He just hoped he could hold on long enough to enjoy the ride.

[bell4lan]

Haunt Me

Genre: Angst + some comfort

DNI: NON-MLM/NBLM, fujoshis, mlm/nblm fetishizers

CW: Depression, anxiety, mentions of a past traumatic event but it is never explained what happened, suicidal thoughts, this is a vent post

Character(s)/Reader: Dazai and Male Reader

Dark. All of it was dark, the only source of light was coming from your phone screen. You scrolled endlessly, trying to distract yourself from the memory of what happened to you so long ago, yet it doesn't work. All you can do is dwell on the past, the past you cannot escape no matter what. The past you couldn't control because you had no clue what was even happening. You wish you could somehow go back in time to stop it from happening, or perhaps stop you from even existing. What if no matter what you did, you couldn't stop it? What if the only solution was to stop you from being born all together? You wouldn't have experienced it if you hadn't been born. You'll no longer have to be haunted by what happened to you if you give up now. The pain seems to never end, the harsh memory always seems to haunt you no matter what you do. You cannot escape it, and it gets worse each day.

You spiraled. Spiraled in an endless loop of repeating the event over and over again in your head because your mind won't let you forget. You felt like you were going to lose it. Your mind won't let you heal, only relive, and yet you still try to distract yourself with your phone. Your phone just gives you video upon video of random things, things that you either love or hate. Things that can't seem to distract you anymore even though they did before. Why this day is it so bad? Why this day do you feel your heart get heavier and heavier, your mind grow darker and darker. You don't understand, so you can't do anything about it.

The door cracked open as your best friend Dazai walked in. You jumped. You knew the only other person besides you that had a key was him, but you had been anxious for days, so it scared you.

"Hey (Name). Are you alright? You haven't been to work in days." He spoke unusually gently as he kneeled in front of you. You laid your phone down and stared, not knowing what to say. How do you explain why you feel so down? Your mouth couldn't form the words even if you wanted it to. You'd probably just puke from having to describe the situation that haunts you. You didn't know how to respond, so you stayed quiet.

Dazai seemed to understand that you weren't in the mood to talk about it, and stood up. He looked around at your messy room before looking back at you. You looked awful. Your hair was greasy, your eyes had bags under them because of your nightmares, and you looked so lifeless.

"Are you hungry?" He asked. You gave him a small nod and sat up. He walked out of the room, but you remained sitting, trying to get the motivation to get up and eat. You knew you needed to, and Dazai would make you for that same reason.

Finally, you got up and walked down the hallway and into the kitchen. Dazai was preparing you your favorite dish, the only dish he knew. Dazai sucked at cooking, but he learned this dish for you. He wanted to know your favorite meal so he could make it for you when you needed it most, like right now.

Even though you smelled the delicious food in the air and you were in the company of one of your favorite people, you still weren't distracted from it. The memory still played, whatever triggered it just repeated so you could keep thinking of it. You stare at the counter for the first half of his cooking time, and then switch over to the stove during the second half.

Dazai plated up the food and placed it in front of you, telling you to dig in, and you did. You were surprised you still had an appetite, but you were also glad. That meant it isn't getting too bad.

The brunette gave himself some food and ate across from you, still standing. He watched as you ate, making sure you were eating all of it. Once you were finished, he asked if you wanted seconds. You nodded, and he gave you another serving. The delicious food made you feel a little happier than you had been the past week, but you still weren't distracted.

You both finished your meals and Dazai grabbed your dishes and started cleaning up. You watched as he did and silently thanked him.

Once finished, he suggested moving to the living room so you could both sit comfortably, so you did. Dazai sat down next to you and didn't say a word. He waited for you to speak, but it was obvious you weren't going to if he didn't start the conversation.

"What's wrong (Name)?" He asked, grasping your hand tightly. Again, you didn't know how you would explain it, so you didn't. Instead, you started crying. Dazai immediately pulled you into a hug, rubbing your back to sooth you as you sobbed. You held onto him tightly, not letting him pull away if he wanted to. He didn't.

You cried in his arms for 40 minutes before you loosened your hold on him. He kissed your head gently before pulling away, his arms still around you. You had always had a weird relationship with Dazai. The line between friends and boyfriends was often blurred, but you were too scared to ask what exactly he wanted. So you left it as is, even if you wanted more sometimes.

Dazai's hands moved to wipe your tears, cupping your face gently. "Do you feel any better now? It's alright if you don't want to talk about it." He asked. You nodded and looked deeply into his eyes before pulling him in for another hug.

You guys spent the rest of the night holding each other before eventually falling asleep. Dazai stayed over because he knew you enjoyed having him there and because he was worried about you. You were glad you had someone that knew how to handle you, even if he didn't know what happened to you. He didn't know of the event that to this day gives you nightmares, and he was okay with it. All that mattered was that you were okay.

Hopefully he can distract you. Hopefully the memory doesn't pop up again. It will, but you'll still hope it doesn't, because hope might be the only thing that can save you.

---------------------------------------------------

I know I posted 2 Dazai posts in a row, but he's my comfort character.

Note: This story was written in a short amount of time and wasn't edited. I apologize for any errors.

[indigochromatic]

Ok ok, system experiences: weird forms of amnesia edition

Alright, like the alterhuman folks have all been saying today, lemme try to actually write some of this personal experiences stuff instead of only reblogging posts about how it'd be a great thing to do, lol Bit of rambling about one of the few forms of amnesia/(amnesia-adjacent-thing? idk) that we experience, and don't hear other systems describe as much.

So, as a system, we don't (as far as we know) have a lot of amnesia, especially not amnesia around events or blackouts between switches. We do have different emotions and perspectives about stuff, and different degrees of emotional attachment to different memories and concepts, but most of the time we have access to the same memories, and can tell who's front-POV any individual memory was from when either of us recalls it.

We did get a bit of a reminder today that we do actually experience some form of narrative/episodic amnesia...kind of? We don't hear it talked about a lot, so hey, I'll talk about it, and I'd love to know if anyone reading this recognizes it (either from their own experiences, or if they happen to know some kind of official term for it or something). Essentially, it's like...temporary, stress-induced memory shutdowns? Kind of like how when we're having a really out-of-it day, we can just mentally afk and miss 50%-80% of what someone says when they're trying to have a conversation with us, except it'll extend beyond just immediate short-term recall and make it hard to access practically anything from the whole week/month/etc. A key thing about the experience for us is that it doesn't feel like...a "blackout", and (as far as we've been able to tell from getting better memory access back later) it's not centered around specific extra-upsetting events or anything, it's more like...really, really bad internet connection while trying to search our brain for answers to stuff. "What did we do this past week? idk, it was normal stuff, though. How are we feeling, I know intellectually it was kind of a rough week? idk pretty chill probably :)"

Also, we can kinda start getting recall back if we're prompted about specific details and stuff, but too much trying-to-remember effort (especially in situations where we're being called on to do emotional work, like therapy sessions) can also turn into a headache--like, oh yeah, here's the memory, but if we get more than "a sentence or two into the first paragraph" of recalling it, we'll get a nice little dissociation headache and suddenly something else seems way more interesting to think about.

Anyways, thought that might be a useful experience for other folks to compare notes on? It doesn't feel from the inside like amnesia in the "traditional" sense, really, not only because it's in transient episodes but also because we still have the strong sense that the memories are actually there and that there's no lost time or anything Really Bad that's been redacted. It's also it's pretty overtly obvious that it's protective mechanism due to stress/mental overload, even though it's not deliberate, and not under conscious control. In that way, it feels like a pretty apt comparison to say that it's like we're having a speech shutdown episode, except for about memory instead of talking out loud--we didn't lose the memories, the mental filing cabinet drawer just got stuck; we didn't lose our verbal processing, we just can't get the words to happen out loud right now.

If we had to guess, just from how it feels body-wise, the mechanism is probably similar to what happens in catatonia? Also--forgot to mention this earlier, but if we keep getting pressed about stuff, either externally or from pushing ourselves internally, it'll almost always end up triggering a switch (usually to me, which is exactly what happened earlier today in family therapy, lmao). Do I remember the week better than L does, when that happens? Hm. Kinda? The catatonia-like "mentally underwater" feeling goes away for sure, and it's more like...I can get to the bare minimum content information more easily, (like the bullet points info awareness), without getting lost in the fog about it--but I still don't have really any better recall of the narrative stuff. That's my current theory, idk, could be wrong. Anyone else know what I'm describing? Lmk!

[sysmedsaresexist]

do you know the difference between P-DID and non-possessive form DID? is it just amnesia + the elaboration of alters?

Let's start with DID

Possession/non possession type DID doesn't really have anything to do with amnesia and elaboration of alters. It's more about how it's experienced.

(to be honest, I don't find the terms very useful these days, I think they were more used before the internet, when people weren't as aware of what DID was and what was happening, and they're not too often used clinically anymore)

Possession type is the feeling of being taken over. Like someone else is controlling your body. It's usually applied to religious experiences because it's typically about, well, possession, and it was initially used to refer to people who said it felt as though an outside entity was taking over, like ghosts or spirits. It's used when those experiences are occurring outside of normal cultural practices, and it's usually quite distressing.

It's evolved within the communities (that seem intent on continuing to use the terms) to include what I like to call "hard switches", which is where you are simply no longer in control. You have fully switched and another alter is in full control, someone snapped their fingers and it's done. There's no specific measure of how aware you need to be, and blackout amnesia or full awareness still counts. It feels a bit like you've just been suplexed into/out of front. I say it's evolved because as more and more people look to the internet for answers, awareness of the experience grows and most tend to realize they're not actually possessed pretty early on.

All in all, outside of the feeling of an outside entity or force, it's mostly used for very overt and obvious presentations. True possession form is usually diagnosed now as possessive trance disorder in the ICD, when it's only outside or external entities. Once there are internal entities, it's back to DID.

Non-possession type is experienced more as intrusions-- this means emotional bleeding between alters, hearing them talk about how bad your choices are, some forms of cocon. It's alters intruding on you in some way. Within the community (by those who want to continue to use the terms), it's evolved to include what I call "soft switches," which is the gradual switch, where it's happened before you're aware. It's more... Comfortable than hard switches, with a "natural" feel to it.

You'll notice that these are both terms to describe switches. It's individual experiences among different types of systems.

Partial DID from the ICD is considered to include most forms of OSDD (1) (other OSDD (1) experiences fall under the ICD's DID section), but it mostly includes non switching systems. The ICD is extremely broad with DID, so most "typical" OSDD presentations fall into DID in the ICD.

Just to round things out, let's take a super quick look at the four different diagnoses for DID. It'll help showcase the different ways the ICD and the DSM break down dissociation types. You'll notice there's a bit of overlap, and that's due to the simple fact of the two manuals drawing distinctions in different ways.

ICD 11 DID

Two or more distinct personality states that can, and do, take control (switch)

Alternation between distinct personality states is not always associated with amnesia, though it's often present at some point during the course of the disorder (ie, for childhood events), but not always

Intrusion, or non possessive form, is common, in addition to switching

Encompasses DSM's DID and some presentations of OSDD 1b

ICD 11 Partial DID

Two or more distinct personality states, but switching is rare. There may be occasional, limited and transient episodes in which a distinct personality state assumes executive control to engage in circumscribed behaviours (e.g., in response to extreme emotional states or during episodes of self-harm or the reenactment of traumatic memories).

One personality state remains dominant

Intrusions are very common, making up the majority of the presentation of P-DID

Amnesia is considered rare in P-DID

Encompasses similar presentations to OSDD 1a and some types of OSDD 1b

DSM DID

Two or more distinct personality states that can, and do, take control (switch)

Alternation between distinct personality states is not always associated with amnesia, though it's usually and typically present at some point during the course of the disorder (ie, for childhood events), but not always (the weight of the amnesia criteria will depend on where you're being diagnosed-- Europe and the US evaluate the amnesia differently). For the most part, amnesia of some kind is required, though memories can be found and a diagnosis of DID will remain.

Intrusion, or non possessive form, is common, in addition to switching

There isn't a dominant personality

DSM OSDD 1a

Indistinct alters

Mainly presents as intrusions

Switching is not common. There may be occasional, limited and transient episodes in which an indistinct personality state assumes executive control to engage in circumscribed behaviours (e.g., in response to extreme emotional states or during episodes of self-harm or the reenactment of traumatic memories).

Amnesia is extremely common for periods of both intrusion and during the infrequent switching (functionally, it's required)

Dominant personality

DSM OSDD 1b

Two or more distinct personality states that can, and do, take control (switch)

Dissociation from emotion is the only type of amnesia experienced ("emotional amnesia", which is a dumb term and I hate it)

There is no dominant personality, though it's fairly common for switching to happen infrequently

Intrusion is also common

[salty-autistic-writer]

Third chapter of "Hold My Hand I'll Walk With You My Dear"

Summary: 5 times Buck and Tommy talk about their fears and 1 time they defeat fear together.

Buck likes how tidy and unobtrusive his therapist’s office is. 

There aren’t many plants or pictures on the walls to get distracted by. It’s pleasantly silent and the only window shows the cutout of a big oak tree, not a busy street. The armchair is comfortable and not scratchy. Buck can stretch his legs without his feet bumping against anything. It’s a good room.

On most days, Buck can focus just fine here. Today, it’s kind of hard. His thoughts are jumping around, bouncing off his mental walls. Never really able to settle on something tangible. The same goes for his emotions. It's a constant rollercoaster. Up and down and up again. It's frustrating. He feels restless and doesn’t even really know why. 

His therapist notices. Of course, he does. He always notices the little things. But Buck likes that he never pushes. They had moments when they didn’t talk at all and that felt alright too. He wants to talk today, though. Needs to. Because he feels like there’s a weight on his chest and it gets heavier, threatening to crush him. 

He clears his throat, looking at his hands that are fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “I’m having these … thoughts again," he starts. "And I can’t switch them off. They just keep on coming. I can’t stop imagining something bad is going to happen soon. Something catastrophic. Like … an earthquake. A big fire. Or a tsunami.” 

Buck shivers involuntarily as phantom water creeps up his legs and when he focuses, he can hear the echo of screams in the back of his mind, as he’s running over the pier, holding on to Christopher, running, searching for a way to escape the inevitable, running, feeling the wave come closer and closer …

“Right now, there’s nothing catastrophic happening, right?” His therapist asks calmly.

Buck inhales, pulling himself out of the maelstrom of his traumatic memories. “Yes. But I don’t know what happens in the future and that makes me nervous.”

“No one can know what’s going to happen. It’s also possible that you will be fine, right? That there won’t be anything catastrophic happening at all? So maybe you can try to focus on the moment and go through life step by step. Right now, you’re fine. Your loved ones are fine. That doesn’t have to change. It could. But it also doesn't have to. Remember: You decide where you focus your energy.”

Buck nods. He'd like to try. This is just a bad day, he decides. A bad day with a lot of bad thoughts. He's going to see Tommy later. That will cheer him up. And maybe, he can let go of all the ghost-catastrophes haunting him. ~

When Buck comes to, he inhales smoke and dust. He coughs and grimaces, reaching up to touch his aching head, only to see blood on his hand. What … What happened? He can’t remember. Were they on a call? He is in his turnouts so this must have happened while he was working. But where are the others then? Where is his team?

Everything is so confusing. His broken world makes no sense and only slowly stitches itself back together. He’s lying on his back, surrounded by rubble. Apparently, a building collapsed while they were inside?

Buck doesn’t think he has any major injuries. His head is bleeding sluggishly but he can move all his limbs and he can sit up, even though his body aches in protest at the movement and his vision blurs for a moment. 

He discovers his mic is broken. Buck looks around frantically, trying to see something or someone in this grey wasteland of crumpled walls. But he’s all alone.

“Hey! Can anyone hear me?!” He calls, his throat scratchy from the dust.

Nothing. Only the echo of his own voice, reverberating from the rubbles. Buck can feel panic creeping up his throat, making it too tight to breathe normally. His heart is racing and tears are burning in his eyes. He’s alone. And trapped. Isolated. He doesn’t even know if the others are alive. He has to find them. Has to save them. They are all he has. He -

Buck startles awake with a gasp. For a brief unbearable moment, he’s balancing the fine line between sleep and awakeness, trying to make sense of the situation. The pictures of the nightmare are still there, blurring at the edges. God … It felt so real.

Now that his eyes have adapted to the dim light in the room, he notices that he’s not alone. Tommy’s looking at him, worry mixed in his sleepiness. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, rubbing his eyes. “Just had a very realistic nightmare.”

Tommy hums. “Thought so. You were tossing and turning in your sleep.”

“Shit,” Buck sighs. “Sorry for waking you up.”

“Don’t be. Nightmares happen. I have them often enough. Do you want to talk about it?”

Buck swallows. He can still taste the dust. God. “I woke up alone. Inside a collapsed building. And I was alone. I couldn’t see anyone. I was so worried. I thought … I thought they’re all dead.”

Tommy’s hand reaches for his and squeezes gently. “That sounds horrible. It wasn’t real. Everyone’s fine.”

“Yeah.” Buck feels the familiar nervousness rising again. The shadow of a catastrophe is towering right in front of him. “But they won’t be fine forever.”

Tommy frowns. “What do you mean?”

“Bad things happen all the time. To everyone. I can’t know that they won’t happen to us. To me. To them. To … you.” The pain of imagining something happening to Tommy feels like a fist curling around his heart and crushing it. Fear. It’s raw and painful fear.

It seems to be so strong that Buck radiates it because Tommy pulls him into a hug and his breath is warm on Buck’s neck when he says, “Hey, I’m here. And I’m fine, okay?”

“I just wish there would be a way to know that it will always be like that,” Buck whispers back, leaning into the hug and wrapping his arms around Tommy as well. As tightly as he can. Oh, how he wishes now they could stay like this forever. Shielded from all the dangers the world has to offer.

“We can't know what tomorrow brings. And I can’t promise you that nothing will ever happen to me. But I promise I’m going to be careful and I will always do what I can to make it home to you, alright?” Tommy says.

“Alright. Same,” Buck nods, closing his eyes. He can feel himself getting sleepy again. It’s easy to feel safe while being hugged by Tommy. But the nightmare’s dusty shadow is still with him and he knows it will linger. Fear always does.

~

Bobby is on the phone. He looks at Buck and Buck already knows. He can see the truth in Bobby’s eyes. And he doesn’t want to hear the words. He wants to be somewhere else. Wants to go back into the past, to a moment when everything was fine …

“Buck.”

Bobby is right in front of him now, the phone still in his soot-covered hand.

“It’s him, right,” Buck says, hearing himself talk like from a great distance, because his ears are filled with the rushing sound of his own blood.

Bobby nods. “They lost contact and have reports about a helicopter going down. But they haven’t found him yet.”

Buck says nothing. His words are gone. This can’t be happening. It has to be another nightmare. Come on, he tells himself. Wake up. Wake up!

He doesn’t. Of course, he doesn’t. Instead, he starts to walk in circles. Like a tiger trapped in its cage. This is a scenario straight out of his fears and bad dreams. And just like in his nightmares, he can’t do anything. He can just sit and wait and -

“Buck?”

A hand on his back, rubbing gentle circles. “You have to breathe, Buck,” Bobby tells him. “He will be fine.”

“You don’t know that,” Buck whispers.

“No,” Bobby agrees. “But it’s the only thing we can believe right now, ok?”

Buck shakes his head. “I can’t do this. I can’t just sit back. I have to go and … and do something!” He shakes Bobby’s hand off and punches the wall. Doesn’t even really feel the pain. His blood is boiling in his veins and he can hear his own heartbeat echoing in his head. How can he be so helpless?! “Fuck,” he mutters, looking down at his vaguely aching knuckles. “I … Fuck.” This can't be happening. Not now. Not when he has found everything he has been searching for so long. Not when he's happy and ... and in love. Yes. He's in love. And he didn't even say it yet. Tommy could be dead. He could have died without knowing ...

He’s about to cry. He knows it. Can feel it. The world is already blurring behind a wall of tears …

And when he does start to cry, Bobby is there, hugging him. “Come here, kid. Let go.”

Buck does. It hurts and he can feel he’s sinking. But with Bobby holding him up, the fear can’t drown him completely.

[suzuran777]

Review: Akaya Akashiya Ayakashi No

A while ago the Nintendo Switch and Steam versions of Akaya Akashiya Ayakashi No were released, so I had to finally replay this game! It was originally released on PC in 2011 by Haccaworks, who are also known for their previous work Hanakisou. This game isn't technically a BL game, but I think BL fans would still like it! This time the game's also available in English and Chinese.

The story focuses on protagonist Yue, a human who lives together with a group of Ayakashi. He was born and raised there and never left the shrine grounds, but one night, his childhood friend Kurogitsune takes him to the nearby festival. During his very first trip to the outside world, Yue meets two boys who he grows interested in and wants to learn more about. After returning to the shrine, the shrine's goddess Mikoto informs him that preparations for Yue's "meal" have started.

This game has 4 different routes and quite a lot of different endings. I used this guide which helped me a lot! It's in Japanese but even if you Google Translate it I think it should be clear what choices to choose. Other than the usual choices, you also get to choose the location you want to explore, so I often got bad endings when I wasn't checking the guide. The recommended route order is Akiyoshi > Tsubaki > Sagano > Kurogitsune, as some endings are locked.

In this game, the Ayakashi usually live far away from humans in the mountains, but they took a liking to the local shrine which was originally created by worshippers of goddess Mikoto-no-Nushi. Yue doesn't remember most of his past and has been living at the shrine together with the Ayakashi for as long as he can remember. He knows he's different than the Ayakashi, but he also doesn't fully remember why he's living with them. His best friend, Kurogitsune, is a black fox who's always together with him. He does have a humanoid form too but usually he takes the shape of a small fox sitting on Yue's shoulder.

During Yue's trip to the festival, he meets two of the characters who have their own routes in this game, a boy who always wears a mask called Akiyoshi, and a blond haired boy called Tsubaki. Tsubaki doesn't really understand what Yue's deal is, and Akiyoshi is immediately suspicious of him. Regardless, Yue wants to learn more about them.

After returning home, Yue and Kurogitsune get scolded by the individual who owns the shrine (Sato). He's hoping that Mikoto, the shrine goddess, will punish both of them for secretly going to the festival, but she always forgives Yue no matter what he does lol. Yue doesn't really understand it when Mikoto tells him it's time for his "meal" and why he should choose between one of the boys he just met. Ayakashi eat humans and when a human is caught by them, other people lose memories of this person (being spirited away). But Yue is no Ayakashi, which is why he's confused.

During the next days in the game, Yue meets Akiyoshi and Tsubaki again and slowly becomes friends with them, even though both are still suspicious of him. Kurogitsune is also quite bad at hiding that he can in fact talk, so the others immediately know he's an Ayakashi too lol. The dialogue suggests regular people can't see him when he's in his human form, but both Akiyoshi and Tsubaki are exceptions because of their bloodlines and are able to see ghosts and Ayakashi.

The town where the characters live in, Utsuwa, is permanently stuck in a night cycle, though it seems like the residents don't think it's anything unusual. At some point some strange things happen in town and slowly more and more people go missing. Additionally, monsters called Akujiki appear more frequently, who similar to Ayakashi, also eat humans. Because their abilities aren't as strong as Ayakashi, usually when they eat someone other people don't completely lose their memories of this person. As a result of this, Yue and the others run into people walking around town mindlessly, forgetting what they were doing outside in the first place. While investigating these incidents, Yue is approached by stranger called Sagano who tells Yue he's taking his body back. After trying to fight Yue though, he retreats because I guess it wasn't the right time yet. Sagano is kind of funny because he always looks ready to attack Yue but there's always some kind of excuse why he doesn't do it.

Even though it's an old game I still love the character designs, CGs and backgrounds. It creates an atmosphere which really suits the setting of the game. The music in this game is also very good and quite nostalgic to me, I think many people who aren't familiar with the game at least know the opening song by Shikata Akiko! It's also really convenient that the Switch version lets you skip backwards so if you do make a wrong choice, you can easily go back and fix it. The game also has a button to skip to the next important event or choice, which is faster than just pressing the skip read dialogue option.

Final impressions

I was really curious what I would think about this game because the first time I played this was over 10 years ago. The original PC version is also unvoiced, and since I never had a PSP this is my first time playing the voiced version. I still really like the plot and characters, there's a lot of side characters but they all have their own charm. Many of the endings are quite bittersweet because the conflicts between the characters aren't something that can easily be solved. What I really like is that every main character in this game is relevant to the plot, even outside of their own route. The Tsubaki family has been targeted by the foxes from the shrine for a long time, while the Tochika family (Akiyoshi's family) is the complete opposite and the foxes would rather stay away from them. Sagano also has his connections to the Ayakashi of the shrine, but I won't spoil the endings!

Something I did notice is that even though the game's translated into English, there's a few typos in this version, sometimes in the game dialogue, but also in some of the menus. During one of the earlier scenes the dialogue randomly turned into the original Japanese text too, for about three lines I think? I'm not sure if this got patched and it probably won't ruin your playthrough, but maybe it's good to know. Overall I think the translation is pretty straight-forward and it doesn't change most of the Japanese terms

[yeniiyy]

"I saw you sleeping in the library the other day"

Spica said as he sat down in the chair opposite mine, those emerald green eyes peered right into me. I, on the other hand, was letting my thoughts wander somewhere and only got startled by his sudden intrusion.

"Yeah I think I found a pretty neat corner"

I smiled, recalling the memory I had the other day. A library is always a perfect place for napping, even though I was really determined to study, everything just started to fall apart with the right ambience and that impeccable silence.

"Were you tired?"

"Maybe a little bit" I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to make him worry either "I just need time to rearrange my thoughts, you know"

The cafeteria in the afternoon was not too crowded with students. Most of them already left for the afternoon class, some of them remained here, working diligently to complete whatever task was displayed on their laptops in front of them with a bottle of water. And we were there, sitting across from each other, in this undoubtedly quiet area, our chatter was practically the only thing I could hear.

"You know you can always ask me for help, right?"

His sea-green eyes once again delved into mine, as though he was searching for any answer he could find in there. I flinched for a second, but quickly regained my smile.

"That is very kind of you" I hesitated "but, you know, there is stuff I need to resolve by myself. It's not that I don't want your help, sometimes things just got complicated".

I found myself averting his eyes, staring off into space. Those eyes, they were too powerful that I was scared if I looked into it any longer, I would end up coming clean and telling him the truth.

"Summoner" his voice was gentle as if soothing a little toddler "You are avoiding the problem"

I touched the hem of my uniform, not knowing what to say. He was right. As if it's only a matter of time before everyone else notices. Ever since that night, I have been hiding from "him". Avoiding group meetings, switching team missions, I've done everything I could in order to buy myself some time, to figure out what is this feeling inside of me.

"Little do you know" Spica once again broke the hush "That night when you went missing, he was the first one to contact everyone, and also the first one who seems like he would go crazy just because we couldn't contact you through Stella tab" he stopped for a moment before continuing to finish his words "To be honest with you, that was really out of character. Never have I witnessed Vega acting so impatiently before"

I finally shifted my gaze from the hem of my skirt to Spica, who was looking even more thoughtful than before. He wasn't joking, he surely couldn't withstand our little hassle and decided to step in.

"I just don't know how to face him right now" I spoke genuinely "So many things happened at once, and, you know, logically speaking, I'm not supposed to take it for granted and pretend like nothing happened. I just don't know. I feel like the more I look at him, the more I got drowned in my own frivolous thoughts"

"You're so slow, you know that?" I just heard the person in front of me sigh "Let me just dumb it down for you. Do you have feelings for him?"

"I" I looked down "I don't know"

"Then just tell him you don't know. Anything is better than eluding the problem right now" Spica said with concern "It's not your fault, there's no need to feel bad about it"

"But" I blinked twice "What if he doesn't accept it"

"Then we have no choice other than flinging him into the ocean" he said nonchalantly "But to be frank, I don't think that would be the case. Why don't you try talking to him first, or at the very least, listening to what he has to say?”

Surprisingly enough, as soon as Spica finished his sentence, my Stella tab flashed. I instantaneously took a glance at the display and saw that it was unmistakably he - the person we are discussing over - had called.

"Take it" Spica urged "We are not going anywhere if you keep agonizing over it"

I took a deep breath.

"Thanks, Spica" I stood up "I'm gonna take my leave"

He nodded.

I was totally unaware that after I left, Spica stared into the space where I had just gone from with a broody expression on his face.

_____________________________________________________ I have no idea what I just wrote but thank you for reading! :D

[sophieinwonderland]

i need some advice.

my best friend is a system, and i get along with almost all of his alters. but one of them is very . . . destructive towards the body and doesn't consider how his actions affect them.

like, the body has had a liver transplant and this alter keeps wanting to drink or get drunk. he stays up late, leaving the body exhausted and weak. he drinks lots of soda and eats loads of unhealthy foods causing the body's blood sugar to go out of whack.

it's not so much that this alter is making unhealthy choices, but the body is severely ill and this alter makes choices that can and do make the body's illness worse.

is there anything i, someone outside the body, can do to support the whole system and help them keep this alter from hurting the host's body?

I think, to start with, the most important thing is just to figure out why he's doing this. Why he feels the need. People don't just do things for no reason. And I don't think you can really support your friends without understanding this.

Is he drinking a lot to dull memories? Is it self-medicating? Is it simply addiction?

And have the other members of the system actually set hard boundaries, or are they giving the okay behind the scenes?

I mean, addiction is tough. And unfortunately, a lot of it is bodily. I could easily see a situation where, if the addiction is bad enough, the host might switch out to let this other alter satiate that need. It's easy, when you want to do something irresponsible, to just say "I'm not going to do this because I'm the responsible one, but if you want to then I won't stop you, *wink wink*"

It's very possible that other alters, even the host, are enabling this sort of behavior.

I'm not saying that's what's happening here, but I just think you should make sure this isn't their situation before putting all the blame onto this one alter.

As for things like staying up late, could this be because he feels he doesn't have enough time to front during other periods? Is there a way to work out a schedule if they don't have one to let this alter have more time as long as he doesn't do things that might harm the body?

What sort of compromises can be reached?

is there anything i, someone outside the body, can do to support the whole system and help them keep this alter from hurting the host's body?

One important note on this... it's not the host's body. It's everyone's. Every alter is in the ship together. It's just that the host is the one who spends the most time in the driver's seat.

As much as I'd like to help, I'm not an expert in addiction or how to deal with it. I think that if you want to help your friends though, maybe a good place to start is learning more about how to help people in general who are struggling with addiction and other maladaptive behaviors, and then go from there.

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hello - it's John again, anon who asked about the blackout stuff

I had another question and an update

We did find the alter, and she is a new split, and is a trauma holder, I didn't know it at the time I had sent the ask but one of our abusers tried to contact us (went looking in our notesapp history and messages) which caused a switch & total blackout, we've had a few more since then since things have been stressful but she is trying to communicate, just harder with very bad aphantasia and dissociative barriers. Haven't had therapy in a few weeks and we're in quarantine this week, but have therapy again this upcoming Thursday so we will talk about it then but the therapist doesn't know the full extent of us being a system other than knowing that we are and that most likely was trauma that formed us,but we are gonna try to talk about it more, so you have any advice on bringing it up?

And onto my question before - is there dissociative disorders other than DID? We have a lot of alters (like 1000+) and most of them are fragments and some fully fleshed, but we all still tend to be somewhat similar, I think maybe it's a safety thing so it wouldn't be noticed, and I thought did always had very different alters, we tend to be more similar than not even though there are quite a few exceptions, but we have horrible memory sharing, I usually retain some level of "done something but idk what exactly" but we lose a LOT of memories and feel detached to ones that we do remember like they aren't "mine" per se just that "I" was there for it, in addition I never ever switch out I'm *always* here unless something very big happens that throws everything into disarray, it sort of makes me feel not valid because we don't have control over switching and I can't ever leave even if others can come in and out of the fronting area, I think/know that I do have a dissociative disorder of some kind because it is very impactful and impairing my symptoms, but I guess don't feel valid sometimes because I also like being a system sometimes other than the memory and dissociation

-john

Hey John, we’re probably getting to this too late to share advice for talking to your therapist - we hope that they were understanding and everything went well! We’re sorry if our absence here made it more difficult for you to talk to your therapist about what’s been going on in your system.

As for your second question, there are a few other dissociative disorders besides DID. There is OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder), P-DID (partial dissociative identity disorder) and DPDR (depersonalization/derealization disorder). However, it’s possible for systems with DID to have hundreds or thousands of alters, if not more! Systems with this many alters may have polyfragmented DID, although polyfragmentation has just as much to do with a system’s complex structure as much as having a high alter count.

We are not polyfragmented, so we can’t provide much in terms of advice or personal experience when it comes to understanding polyfragmentation. Any polyfragmented system who sees this is more than welcome to weigh in with experience, resources, or advice!

When it comes to not feeling valid, we’d like to offer some words of encouragement that might help y’all, if that’s okay.

First off, it’s very normal to not have control over switching, especially for systems who haven’t been able to make much progress either internally or through therapy! Our own system has been improving when it comes to managing switches, but we still don’t have full control over who fronts and when. Not being able to control switches doesn’t mean your system is invalid, and we can assure you, lots of systems out there function in that way!

Also, it’s not as rare as you might think for systems to have frontstuck members… even for many folks with dissociative disorders like DID. Our host is usually fronting to some extent (albeit often quite dissociated). And there are plenty other systems with frontstuck members too!

Finally, it’s okay to like being plural or part of a system, even if you have a dissociative disorder. Yes, it can often be impairing, difficult, painful, and overwhelming… but it can also be comforting, joyous, fun, or exciting! We have a complicated relationship with our plurality, but most of us love being a system and we wouldn’t trade our plurality for anything in the world! Having a mental illness or disorder doesn’t mean you have to be suffering all the time, and finding joy and happiness in our disorders can help make living with them so much easier!

Good luck out there, John. We hope things go well for you and your system in the future!

[starmoon-constellation]

Being trauma-coded is weird lmao. It's like, well x is typically associated with traumagenic systems, but it was caused by y, and people think it should be caused by z. It's just funny to me.

Like, we can front-call VERY easily. People assume this is an endogenic thing. It's a bit of a trauma-response though, easily being able to pull someone with better experiences and skills to handle a situation. I've pulled protectors to front in an instant because I couldn't handle a situation, but it was a trauma response. Most people think that's an endogenic-only thing [shrugs]

Or memory sharing. People think this is mainly a non-disordered/endogenic thing, but again, it's more of a trauma response for us. Being able to share memories means we instantly know what's going on and can mask immediately after switching, rather than being disoriented or confused about what's going on. This has proven helpful in bad situations, cus the new fronter doesn't have to guess what's happening, they already know.

Our split/form threshold. Many would assume it's traumagenic. It's not. Our forming threshold is directly because of our endogenesis, because it is our endogenesis that caused our plurality. Comfort characters, hyperfixations, anything can cause a newbie to pop up. Like shit, we aren't even that into Dragon Ball Z but we have Videlle now. It's just a Thing(TM) that we associate with our endogenesis because of the way it occurs, when everyone else would (likely) associate it with our truamagenesis.

Just rambling lol but yeah :)

[stargazer-sims]

Fox + Delusion + Shame + Moon

Here's another one @dandylion240. This one is connected to a previous one, which was suggested by @cawthorntales

__________

Fox steps onto the balcony and gazes up at the moon. The air is warm for an October night, but still cool enough to make him glad that he thought to pull on a hoodie before coming outside.

The balcony is one of his favourite features of the house. A set of French doors leads directly onto it from his and Takahiro's bedroom, making it easy for them to slip out after all the kids are in bed. Fox likes to think of it as their private sanctuary. They've spent many evenings out here together, sometimes discussing weighty things, sometimes chatting about something inconsequential, and sometimes just sitting in companionable silence and gazing at the lazily-flowing creek under the pale silvery glow of moonlight.

Fox is acutely aware of his husband's absence tonight. Takahiro's chair is conspicuously empty, the blanket he'd brought out here a few days ago folded neatly on the seat. Fox reminds himself he’ll have to bring the blanket inside when he’s ready to go to bed. It’s Taka’s favourite. He wouldn’t want it to be ruined in the event of rain.

Fox wishes Takahiro were here. He's not sure if they'd talk, even though there's a lot he could say. Mostly, he wants the comfort Taka's presence would give him.

Takahiro is at the hospital, staying with their older set of twins, Camellia and Forest. Fox had been there with them all day while Taka took care of their other kids, and after dinner they'd switched roles. Forest in particular hadn't wanted Fox to leave, and walking out of their hospital room had been hard, but he was more sad than worried. He knew they'd be okay for the night, even if they missed him.

The person Fox is most worried about is actually Takahiro. He's already struggling to grasp the reality that Forest and Camellia both have type 1 diabetes, and they haven't even been released from the hospital yet. The diagnosis is only the beginning of their journey, and he doesn't know how Taka is going to cope with what comes next.

As for Fox himself, he can't say he's really surprised at the diagnosis. As much as he wishes none of this were real, in the back of his mind, he'd half expected it to happen to at least one of his kids sooner or later. He's taking it way more calmly than he ever imagined he would, and perhaps that concerns him more than the fact of his children's illness.

Shouldn't I be scared? he asks himself. Shouldn't I be more anxious about all the changes we'll need to make? About regular medical checkups and blood glucose tests and giving my kids shots two or three times a day?

He has scattered recollections of the early days of his own diagnosis. He'd been six years old when he and his family found out about his diabetes, not much older than Forest and Camellia are now. They'll turn six in January.

Fox's most vivid early memory of the experience of his illness is of being in the hospital and learning how injections worked, and of his father crying while sticking a needle into his thigh. He remembers Dad's face getting so red that he could barely see his freckles any more, and how tight the muscles in his jaw and neck looked. Dad had managed to give Fox the shot, but he ran out of the room immediately afterwards, and hadn't quite gotten into the hallway before totally breaking down.

Fox hadn't understood the sound of an adult sobbing, and it'd scared him. He'd wailed in fear and screamed for his father to come back, and nothing the nurse did or said could calm him. He didn't stop crying until his father returned. Dad might've been gone for two minutes, but to Fox's terrified six-year-old brain, it'd seemed like an eternity.

When Dad came back, he and Fox clung to each other for a long time. Fox kept saying he was sorry, although he didn't quite know why he felt he had to say it. All he knew is that Dad had cried because of him, and he felt really bad about it and wanted to fix things somehow.

Now that he's a parent himself, Fox understands what really happened that day. He knows it wasn't his fault and that he personally hadn't made his father cry. He comprehends why giving him a shot was so upsetting for Dad, but he also has the perspective of understanding what Dad's reaction had done to him.

For the longest time, the shame of that moment did not go away. Fox's young mind hadn't been able to process the situation nor the emotions that went along with it, and for years after that, he would feel guilty and scared every time Dad was even the slightest bit upset. As a consequence, he'd tried his hardest to do everything Dad wanted him to, afraid to disobey or to do anything at all that might cause a metaphorical ripple in the otherwise calm water of their lives.

The shame wasn't limited to his relationship with his father, either. As a young child, he developed the idea that his diabetes itself was something to be ashamed of. He'd reached the conclusion that it was a source of discomfort and distress for others, and that if he revealed to anyone that he carried this terrible disease, he'd be responsible for whatever negative feelings they might have about it. Then, they wouldn't want to be his friends or even be around him.

It makes him sad that he'd laboured under that delusion for so many years, and even more so to realize that his parents never once tried to address it. He used to be angry about that, but since having kids of his own, he’s learned to let his anger go because he sees how deeply the things that affect him also affect them.

He thinks it's possible that his parents hadn’t helped him work through his emotional and psychological challenges because they’d let themselves fall into a delusion of their own; one in which they convinced themselves their family’s problems would not exist if they ignored them. And the companion to that misguided belief seemed to have been the equally damaging notion that if they shielded Fox from absolutely everything, he'd never be hurt by anything again.

But, they'd been wrong, and he thinks they probably still don't know how catastrophically wrong they'd been.

Fox resolves that he won't repeat his parents' mistake. He wants to be honest with his children and open with his husband. Yes, the next few weeks and months are going to be difficult, and he doesn't doubt that both he and Taka will cry, possibly even in front of their kids, but Fox is determined that he won't allow the truth of any of their experiences to to be hidden.

He wants his kids to know that there's nothing shameful about their illness, and that it won't stop them from doing whatever they want to do with their lives. They can still play and have fun, go to school, make friends, have careers and fall in love. The whole world is open to them, and he needs them to know that as much as he loves them and wants to keep them safe, he'll never try to hold them back.

If a day comes when he can't keep his tears at bay, he'll make sure his children understand it's in no way their fault. He'll tell them he loves them, and that it's okay for anyone — kids or grownups — to cry if something makes them feel scared or sad. He’ll tell them they shouldn’t be worried about saying how they feel, nor to be ashamed about asking for help.

And he'll let Takahiro know that anything he's feeling is valid too. He wants Taka to be comfortable sharing whatever he needs to, so they can find solutions together. It may not always be easy for Taka to share, but the offer will always be there. Fox's heart and mind and arms will always be open to comfort and reassure him.

We can do this, he tells himself. We’ve survived all of our worst days so far, and we’re strong enough to get through this too.