#cw major depressive disorder

[not-poignant]

I hope it's okay to ask, but how are things? Looking forward to Underline The Gold on Sunday so much

Omg I'm looking forward to it too

Tbh I'm up to chapter 8 on that now so we're ready to really start pushing ahead with some of the side stories which is exciting

As for me, it's been pretty rough, anon, not gonna lie. I'm going to put this under a read more because I'm pretty honest and also because there's more than one 'I might have cancer' mention among other things:

I kind of thought I was doing fine and then it all got on top of me a couple of days ago and (self-harm mention) I ended up self-injuring due to autistic meltdown. Sometimes I don't realise how bad things really are until I'm at that stage and I have bruises and soft tissue damage to show for it. I've since talked to my doctor and therapist about it, but like...oof.

I've actually been taking a break from writing since I've hit 50k and I generally have a rule that I have to take at least 2-4 days off once I've hit that point, but I'm still pretty stuffed, but mostly for health reasons. I've written 14 chapters this month so I feel okay about the break lol.

On Friday (the day after the meltdown) I needed to have a hand X-ray (even right now, the knuckles in my left hand are really sore), see my GP for 40 minutes, talk to my therapist, organise an iron infusion (I have microcytic anemia and need an iron infusion again, which I think is my 5th or 6th - I need one about once every 2-3 years, and mostly the time between is the slow downward spiral of losing more and more iron until I'm truly fucked) and a meeting with one of the head haematologists in the state because my red blood cells are bullshit and weird (yay). Guess that explains the exhaustion.

I still need to organise a lymph node ultrasound (which is probably nothing, except there is like a 'higher than average' chance it could be metastatic cancer, since I do have tumours in my head right now that could metastasize, and the tumours are extremely close to the swollen lymph node - also I haven't had a virus).

I need to organise a meeting with a dermatologist, I need to organise a full abdominal MRI to see if I have any other tumours we don't know about, and I got an eating disorder management plan for restrictive eating, which does entitle me to like...cheaper dietitian appointments, but also formalises me as having an ED as opposed to 'disordered eating.'

On top of that I had to deal with a tribunal after my Dad had a catastrophic stroke a few months ago, and the tribunal was last month, to determine who would look after him. Our family is so broken and my stepmother so manipulative/vindictive that the government decided no one could be trusted and took care of his finances and healthcare themselves meaning none of us can have any real say in his future (truly the best outcome, but a damning one for the state of the family), and I also had to listen to my stepmother accuse my sister of being a criminal for 20 minutes with completely unfounded lies, and of course, my Dad has had a catastrophic stroke, and that's complicated. That's a whole...

That saga is so much anon, I cannot even begin to explain even the tip of that iceberg.

I've been spending a lot of extra time like scanning family photos and other things and packing items in his home for storage etc. and while that's been done now for over a month and a half, I guess the burn out started some time ago and it's just been slowly getting on top of me. Kind of the 'slowly boiling a lobster in a pot' analogy.

I've been overall quieter on Tumblr as a result of all of this, and it all just...destroyed me on Thursday, and ever since then I've been recovering.

I've just realised it's nearly 1.00am and I swear the last time I looked at the clock - which felt like 5 minutes ago - it was 11.00pm.

Oh and to top it all off I've had vicious 'not falling asleep until 4.00am' insomnia + increased nightmares because my PTSD has relapsed back into 'pretty severe.' So um, managing most nights on 3-4 hours of sleep a night, and that's bad for all my chronic illnesses, of which I have many.

Ah. Yeah. :(

Lemme rustle up some good news for you, anon, because I feel like this is just too much crap.

Bushflowers/wildflowers are really nice right now as it's turning to spring in Western Australia (it's Djilba in the Noongar seasonal system, which I prefer)

Rhubarb is in season so I'm making a lot of stewed apple and rhubarb as a comfort food.

Reading the manhwa Punch Drunk Love and enjoying it.

Asks like yours - even if all of this sounds dire - helps me to undestand that I actually do have good reasons to feel tired and that it's okay to take breaks and that's really valuable (sometimes - though rarely - people use my anon function to talk at me, rather than talking to me as a person, and I just...really value feeling like a person sometimes aslfkjsa) so while I might seem down, this has actually been nice to end my night on. Also you've reminded me that I am super excited/happy to share more Underline the Gold with people

I got some organisational stuff and organising stuff in the house makes me feel good.

I have an extremely good doctor and tbh for a long time I didn't, so like, every good specialist and doctor is worth their weight in gold. :)

I hope you're doing okay and looking after yourself / taking care anon, and that you get something good out of what remains of the weekend. <3 And for everyone who needs one, hugs are on the house.

[ieatratsforbreakfast]

Childhood depression is so fucking isolating. And no I don't mean depression in teenagers, I mean depression in KIDS.

I developed depression around age 7. I self isolated until middle school. I refused to play with my friends, because I was convinced they hated me and it didn't matter anyway. I started self harming at 8.

Childhood depression traumatized me. And I don't mean it makes me sad to think about or just wasn't a great time. I mean it traumatized me, it altered the way I go about every day life. It altered the way I perceive myself, the way I go about making friends, the way I act in school.

My childhood depression played a major role in my late stages in developing DID. My childhood depression was one of the most traumatizing stages of my life.

[aki-bara]

(COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE)

Depression Tips

Only sleep at night. (good luck!)

Eat food. (No really.)

Stop thinking. (No really.)

Consume media to assist in the cessation of thoughts.

Don't meditate (unless it helps).

Be around people you know and typically like even if you hate it. (unless that makes things worse)

Don't go to crowded places alone, you WILL feel terrible!

Cry a lot even if it makes people uncomfortable.

Look unbelievably schlubby.

Don't talk to anyone on the phone or online. Only talk face to face so they can see how depressed you are and take that into consideration.

Don't make ANY commitments.

[borderline-culture-is]

(cw venting) depression + bpd culture is splitting on two friends in a gc when theyre trying to get you to open up about your issues + sui thoughts. and accidentally alienating yourself from them because even though they claimed it was ok for you to be honest even if you got mean, because you bite when youre scared, they couldnt ACTUALLY take it. even though they pressured you and kinda threatened you into really being honest and it caused you to lash out. this is all my stupid fault i should have known better than to try to open up to people.

.

[4ngel-f4ngzz]

why is the human race such a corrupt species. i wish i either

A. did not exist

or

B. was a cat. or any other animal. like any other one

[suuuicide]

✨Girlhood✨

[theapollosystem]

I’m currently going through a lot I don’t really wanna hospitalize myself but our mental health really shitty

One of our alters has been harming the body though it comes and goes, depends how he feels that day it’s not like everyday

also we’ve been having a lot of ups and downs in mood it sucks to be honest

I still need to change what meds i’m on, it’s the thing of oh if your meds aren’t working just change them no psych within how many miles that does quick med changes wants to deal with us

[fullyfunctioningtrainwreck]

I think I'm officially sad enough to start writing fics consistently again. In full seriousness meds aren't doing the best work at the moment but that's partially due to the situation I'm in. Nobody panic. Still seeing a therapist and psychiatrist regularly. I haven't felt much like drawing, or I have but I also can't bring myself to. It's like that with a lot of things lately.

I've had various job offers all require moving and I can't say the idea of moving far away is unappealing right now. My therapist assures me that I'm smart enough and have the right tools and support to not make the same mistakes twice but I can't help feeling like I'm about to have a repeat performance. Just the thought sounds...exhausting. Maybe its my anxiety talking. Maybe socratic thinking would help like it usually does. Or maybe this times the results won't be calming.

[jakkosdiary]

and angels would die.

[ashen-phoenix]

I'm worried about a lot of things in regards to getting top surgery, I want it, I know it's what's going to be best for me long term. I'm having a lot of thoughts and feelings in regards to my case specifically, but if anyone sees this and has any thoughts, please share.

I think one issue I am having is that I have spent a lot of time learning to love my body, and I do, but I'm worried that this appreciation may be part of what's holding me back, maybe disguising itself as comfort in fleeting moments

I have always struggled with hoarding, I wasn't allowed to have things at one parents house and then was mostly unregulated at the others. I'm finally decluttering, getting rid of things from years and years ago that I don't need, and it's been really hard, but I felt so much better being free of those things months later. I'm worried that my compulsion(?) to keep my breasts may be related to my history with hoarding. When I think about getting top surgery, I often think about how freeing it will be and how much better my life could be, but I also get the same sort of gut wrenching emotional pain as when I was parting with the things I'd hoarded. I'm unsure if this is just some kind of grief?

Is it normal to have an attachment to my breasts and the details of them from learning to love my perceived flaws over time? I worked so hard to love myself and I feel like I'm ruining something I worked so hard for, because what if I get this done and I hate it? I'm never have my body back the way it was, although I know I'm not happy now either

This isn't a high priority for me, but I do wonder about the convenience and security of being able to breast/chest feed if I have children. I don't think I really care about it as a "bonding experience", maybe because I don't really feel connected to that part of me anyway. I'm sure I'm just trying to sabotage myself, but I keep wondering about if I have a baby and there's another formula shortage or something like that, is it selfish to take away that potential safety net for a child I don't/might never have, potentially starving them in this imaginary scenario because I wanted to be comfortable in my body? I know it literally doesn't matter, I know if something happens I'll figure it out.

On a similar note, when I think of breast/chest feeding, I am a bit put off. My body doesn't need to feed a child(who is honestly lucky if it gets made at all). I can hold and feed and bond with a child without making myself suffer, so why do I keep using this as an excuse

I'm worried my husband may not be attracted to me afterwards, he really likes my chest as it is now and was very shocked and seemed uncomfortable when I told him I was considering it and looking for therapists/hrt options/surgeons. He doesn't like hearing about medical procedures, and I think my other (much smaller) surgical scars kind of ick him out (there's more to it, he doesn't say anything bad about them, it's just that thinking about surgery/human insides at all really bothers him)

I'm so afraid my dad is going to see a bill to his insurance for a gender therapist or my top surgery consult and just pull the insurance early. As it is I only have until mid September before my insurance runs out completely. I'm worried my timeline may be impossible, that I've waited so long and one sabotaged myself.

I'm really hoping they'll let me cremate the bits they take off, it's really important to me that I have all my parts, whether they're inside/attached to me or not.

I'm worried about how my body will recover, it generally heals very slowly, I'm so afraid of the surgery itself, and being put under anesthesia, I've never had a surgery this big before and I'm honestly so afraid it might be my last decision, but I'm also afraid that all my fonts not are just cold feet. I got cold feet before my wedding, I still think I should have stood by my decision and waited another year, I think if I had been able to give the time to myself this last year that I had previously given, I would have sorted my gender issues out a lot sooner.

Any advice or support is highly appreciated

[fraye-complex]

I can tell my antidepressant is working again because I can definitely feel when it wears off.

Also I can't cum again.

This is bullshit.

[borderline-culture-is]

Bpd + MDD culture is when your fp breaks up with you and so now that you don't have a reason to live you want to do nothing but kill yourself because why else should you be alive?? /Vent

- Lustrous 86 Anon (I didn't see if you posted my last ask or not but is this claimable)

its claimable

[the-fraye-area]

My doctor won't give me my muscle relaxers because I had a seizure.

The seizure was from upping my wellbutrin because I was/am horribly depressed and suicidal.

I have been on these muscle relaxers for fucking years.

Brilliant fucking idea taking your already suicidal chronic pain patient off one of the few things that's managed any of my pain.

I can't even vape right now and my tolerance is absolutely destroyed so edibles suck ass and are expensive and take ages to even kinda chill me out. That is not pain relief.

My heating pad also just finished dying so I am literally without any kind of relief.

I don't actually want to die I just don't want to be in fucking pain anymore and just ending the whole thing is super appealing but my family and my animals need me so I'm fucking stuck here.

[newwwwusername]

The Owl House - Hunter & Luz, Hunter & Camila - Tourette's Syndrome Awareness Month Prompt 1 : Diagnosis

Prompt : Write a fic in which a character (and maybe their friends or family) reacts to getting back a Tourette's diagnosis Headcanons : Tourettic!Hunter, Autistic!Hunter, FTM!Hunter (Caleb and the other grimwalkers were also FTM), Hunter has depression

Hunter wasn't entirely sure what he was being examined for, but he hardly minded not knowing. He just did what the doctor asked.

A few weeks after the third hours-long appointment, Camila checked the mail and returned with a letter with Hunter's name printed across the envelope. She explained to him that it was the results of his appointments and that whatever was inside would identify what exactly was different about his brain. He noted that she didn't use the word wrong like Belos would have.

So, he opened the envelope and unfolded the packet. The front page contained some basic information such as his name, birth date (or creation date, as the case may be, though these human doctors didn't know that), and a list of diagnoses.

Autism Spectrum Disorder Major Depressive Disorder Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Gender Dysphoria Tourette's Syndrome

"What does any of this mean?" he asked, bewildered. He recognized terms like disorder and syndrome, but he wasn't sure what the specific ones listed entailed, or how any doctor could look at him and extrapolate so many conditions when he was sure he hid his quirks very effectively.

"I'm admittedly not the most knowledgeable on what each one means in particular" Camila told him. "I think Luz would be more helpful there, but just know that you are loved regardless, and I will do what I can to accommodate you"

Hunter still wasn't quite sure what she was talking about, but he nodded gratefully before taking his packet and traveling up to Luz's room. He knocked on the door and, once let in, immediately handed her the packet, pointing at the list with a pleading expression. "What do these mean?"

"Oh, you got your results back!"

"Luz"

"Sorry, sorry" Luz chuckled. Admittedly, she was just happy for him, but she put on her serious face and actually took a look at the list. "Autism- Okay, well that's just you" she said. He looked at her with confusion, so she elaborated. "Like, the hand flapping and not always getting things" she explained. Hunter went bright red. "There's kind of a lot that falls under that. I'll show you some videos"

"What about all the other stuff?"

"Major Depressive Disorder : That's why you have long periods of feeling void or empty or sad. C-PTSD : That's why you freak out whenever you think of Belos"

"What- Hic!- Does it mean?"

"Well, the acronym is for Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" she told him, pointing at the diagnosis on the page. "Trauma is when you undergo something notably bad- Belos' years of abuse definitely count- So, that's what the 'Traumatic' part means" she continued. "'Post' just means it affects you now that you're out of that situation. 'Stress' is just an umbrella term for things like your panic attacks and whatnot. And 'Complex' just means that this stemmed from multiple instances of trauma as opposed to just one thing"

"Oh, okay..."

"Gender Dysphoria : That's cause your gender identity doesn't match your birth assignment. It seems Caleb and all of the other grimwalkers also had this happen" she explained. Hunter nodded. "And Tourette's... Oh"

"Oh?"

"That just... Sorry, I didn't realize"

"Didn't- Hic! Haha!- Didn't realize what?" Hunter asked. His neck jerked to the side and he groaned in annoyance because those embarrassing little motions always got worse whenever he was stressed or confused and he hated it. How couldn't he, when Belos would always beat him for such motions or unauthorized shouting?

"Your tics" she told him. He raised an eyebrow. "You know, like the neck jerks and the random shouting" she explained and he went bright red again, even more so when he involuntarily whistled. "You hid them most of the time at first and they were gradual enough that I just assumed it was anxiety tics or something" she continued. "I didn't realize it was Tourette's"

"What- Haha! Haha! Loser! Mph!- Sorry. I'm sorry" Hunter apologized for the outburst, eyes shut as though expecting a hit. To his surprise, though, no such hit came. Instead, he felt arms wrap around his body and slowly opened his eyes to find Luz "hugging" him.

"Never apologize for that, please" Luz requested. Unsure of what to say, he just nodded.

"What is Tourette's?"

"Oh, it's a tic disorder" she explained, though he still seemed confused. "It just means that your random shouts and movements are involuntary and they aren't triggered by anything specific, though some things can make them better or worse"

"Stress makes them worse"

"I figured" Luz nodded. "But hey, now we know"

"Wait, so it's not my fault?"

"What's not your fault?"

"Belos always- Haha! Mph! Haha!- Always said that I was being bad and disobedient for- Mph!- Those" he explained. "He'd always- Haha!- Punish me for it, but I never really understood how to make it stop, I just- Haha!- Figured out how to hide them while I was around him"

"Oh, Hunter..." Luz said, her expression sad. "No, it's not your fault"

"Oh..." Hunter replied and then, without warning, tears began to leak from his eyes. "Oh"

"I'm so sorry he treated you that way" the human told him earnestly. "Just know that you're safe here and that no one here will ever hurt you for that, okay?"

"You mean that?"

"Of course, bud" Luz nodded. "Now, what do you think about sharing your results with the others?"

"Do I have to?"

"Do you not want them to know?" she asked, genuine. She didn't intend to tell anyone anything that he wouldn't want them knowing. "Or do you want me to tell them for you?"

"...Could you?"

"Yeah, of course" Luz nodded, taking the packet and leaving the room to begin delivering the news to the others, leaving Hunter to contemplate his new diagnoses.

There were names for what was different about him- Not wrong, just different. And his tics weren't his fault. And it was okay if he didn't hide them around his new family because they cared for him in ways Belos never could.

Huh he thought. Isn't that something?

Do not repost on other sites! If you want to participate in this month's challenge, there are 15 Tourette's-centered prompts that you can find here

[hydrasaura]

''Even if you fight like that and win, it's not going to help you out in the end.''

''And what would help me?''