#cptsd cw

[grislyintentions]

As usual, Shuyi is late!

But she's not fussing over her four bingos. XIao's like a brother, a bird brother(A bird & a cat getting along? Who would have thought?)! But hey, this was fun!

"Do I need to start asking before I hug you? 对不起, 哥哥. I'm just used to you saying yes."

"..." A gloved hand is raised...only to bump the top of Shuyi's head lightly in faux sternness.

"无妨，别在我不知情下忽然搂着我便是。书子上写着的要求只不过是想避免自己无意中害伤心无诡异的人罢了。如你所知，我一直以来都死守着荻花洲。魔兽杀得多，犯人捉个不少：这样维持警觉性的自己不适合任人爱碰就碰.”

[It's fine (no harm done). Just don't surprise me with it. The request writ upon said card is merely included as a warning, to prevent myself from hurting those who meant no harm. As you know, my vigil over Dihua Marsh is a ceaseless one. All the years of dealing in death and capturing of criminals...a reactive person such as I am ill-suited to be touched casually to the whims of others."]

@vixlenxe

[wanderingibon]

anya deserved so much better

[borderlinejessie]

I'm the kind of heavy nobody wants to carry.

[pr1soners-d1lemma]

I don't even remember who I used to be.

[lostmf]

By @desnos

[badaziraphaletakes]

Making jokes and laughing about a frightening experience does NOT mean someone does not appreciate the gravity of a situation. Quite the contrary, in fact - it is a very, very common way of processing trauma.

In fact, I can't offhand think of any traumatized people I know who haven't make a joke about their traumatic experience/s. It's a deeply normal, human thing to do.

(And please don't try to tell me Aziraphale seeing Crowley be kidnapped and then being hit over the head with a crowbar (?), violently kidnapped himself, and dragged to hell, and then seeing the awful people and place Crowley had been stuck with for the past 100k+ years, witnessing the usher being murdered in cold blood before his eyes, and wondering if the same thing might happen to him, and/or if he hell was going to discover his and Crowley's secret, not to mention seeing for probably the first time what exactly the thermos of holy water would have done to Crowley if he'd used it, wasn't traumatic. First of all, that just is. Second of all, look at his irises. He was probably having a bit of fun - not surprising considering how relieved he was that the holy water didn't work on him and hell appeared not to have caught onto the deception; of course you'd be a bit giddy - but he was also terrified and scarred and angry and disgusted and I don't even know what else.)

There's a reason the rates of depression found among comedians are off-the-charts. And it's not because humor causes depression (we know it actually alleviates it). It's because traumatized people and people with mental illness (I mean, the Venn diagram between those groups is basically a circle, but y'know) gravitate to humor. It is one of the most powerful weapons we have to ward off despair. Humor can save us when nothing else can.

It can also stop you from wanting to punch someone when you're really, really angry. I propose that we can see smoldering contempt and fury and outrage and disgust on Aziraphale's face at the end of the scene, hidden just under that cheeky grin. It's some masterful acting work by Tennant, so many emotions going on at the same time.

Also - may I point out that Crowley loved Aziraphale's jokes about the whole thing. Aziraphale knows how to cheer Crowley up. A big part of the reason he was so sarcastic in hell was for Crowley, to score some points against the people who have been oppressing him for millennia without him ever being able to answer back. (And also he was acting that way because he figured it was how Crowley would act and he had to be convincing. If he'd gone in there and hadn't been 100% confidence and swagger, hell would have noticed something was off. They're paranoid, and Beelzebub, at least, is smart. No flies on that one. Heh, heh. Did Aziraphale overplay it a bit? Maybe. But the deception worked, so clearly his approach was correct overall.)

And finally: Don't tell me Crowley wasn't having a little fun with all this, too. His laugh on the bench was sincere:

He could arguably also be accused of overplaying it a bit with the neck cracking (which I don't blame him for; I would have done the same - but I don't see anyone getting mad at him for having a little fun the way they did with Azi):

And he LOVED getting to breathe fire at Gabriel & Co.

Which is exactly as it should be. :)

[grislyintentions]

(@icicle-dragon) -for Xiao

Xue gave Xiao a surprise hug! He felt his big brother needed one.

A sharp inhale punctuates the air as the Yaksha reflexively tensed, having not expected to be caught in an embrace. Anticipation towards physical violence gives way to matching hostility and aggression, discomfort seizing a hold of his instincts.

Xiao does not jerk away but the minute flinch in his expression is hard to miss.

"Don't-" Gritted teeth ground out the beginning of his words before the older adeptus is able to suppress the rest of the venom. He takes a shaky breathe. Then another. Allows tension to bleed out of him. There is an imperceptible shake in Xiao's hand when he raises it....to gently set his touch atop Xue's head.

"Don't surprise me like that," Xiao scolds lightly. "I could easily have mistaken you as a hilichurl trying to ambush me."

@icicle-dragon

[borderlinejessie]

No silly!! My bpd doesn't make me your dream girl.

You're forgetting I can love you to the point it aches but I can also despise you so much I could ruin your life.

I can be hypers3xual and fun but would you still love me when I'm crying in an oversized hoodie scared to let anyone touch me?

Sure I can party, I'll rave, but what about when the liquor and dr/ug5 become more than a just a little weekend fun?

Maybe I understand why you're also scared of me. I'm scared of me too.

[pr1soners-d1lemma]

In another life, would things be different?

[lostmf]

[sleeplessv0id]

I found a journal entry from one I thought had long since been burned. It was from 2020.

Reading it is nothing short of devastating, to say the least. During my abuse, I had nobody to tell it to, but a journal—until one day, I walked in on my aunt reading it. She encouraged the SA I faced daily in that house, so I was punished harshly.

After that, I burned my journals and anything else that had my thoughts and feelings in physical form. It wasn't safe, even on paper.

What hurts the most is that I can still see the awkward child I was shining through the words.

☆

- "I always thought that if I were to start a journal that it'd be on the first day of the new year, and that it'd be about love and how much I love life.

- "but that's not the only problem. I've also been pretty down in the dumps, maybe even depressed. Somedays, I feel like I'm not good enough or interesting enough."

- "but I can't cry! I try and try to cry, so maybe I can let out some emotions. but all I manage to get out is a single tear."

- "and I can't tell any of my friends cause I'm so scared they'll treat me differently. Like a fragile piece of glass that'll shatter with one wrong move."

- "I have also started developing another problem. I've started thinking of myself as chubby. People say it's puberty, but I'm not so sure.. I've started thinking of how many calories I'm consuming, counting them. It makes me want to throw up."

☆

I miss the girl I used to be.

I wanted to have a 'sweet 16' like the girls on TV, like all the other girls—I wanted to grow up. I'll be 17 this year. My family did not celebrate my 16th birthday.

[badaziraphaletakes]

"Without knowing or perceiving any danger" except that the Metatrash is a murderous lunatic whose organization has repeatedly put Aziraphale in great danger and who Aziraphale knows collaborates with hell, and therefore could put his husband in great danger as well.

"How would he go about listening in?" First of all, NG literally put in that moment with him hearing Michael from outside the bookshop, to make it so obvious that it's like he's practically hitting us over the head with a 2x4 to make sure we get it. But frankly, I almost wish he hadn't, because the real issue here is that Aziraphale can't afford to assume he's *not* listening in.

(Oh and also he (Metatrash) popped up right after Crowley disclosed the secret of the giant miracle. After 6000 years of forced paranoia, I guarantee Aziraphale picked up on that. You get soooo used to noticing the smallest clues as to what your ab*ser's up to. Hypervigilance, and all. Just because we don't see Aziraphale drink as often as Crowley does, doesn't mean he doesn't have the angelic equivalent of C-PTSD, and probably PTSD too. It's that tired male PTSD stereotype rearing its ugly head again.)

[mossy-petrichor]

The deer has a scar along its spine

It's ugly and it makes the deer's body crooked. The deer has a lifelong limp because of it

Sometimes, the scar opens into the wound it once was. It's gruesome and oozes blood, dripping red along the grass wherever the deer goes. Flies lay and bathe in the wound, buzzing constantly near the deer's ears

The deer can't run from the flies. They come with the wound. The wound comes with the scar. The scar comes with the deer

The deer can't run from itself

It's tried to

Everyone runs from the deer. It looks sickly and wrong and the wound in its back smells rotten

The deer can smell it too. But it can't run from itself

It's tried to

[borderlinejessie]

I'm taking care of everyone but who's taking care of me??

[gor3sigil]

I have to share a story about why I HATE the term "trauma dumping".

So basically, we were at my at the time partner's house with friends of them and we were talking about mental health.

I don't remember exactly how we came to this but one woman started talking about psychosis and her sister who is schizophrenic.

She had a lot of preconception about this and, while I am not schizophrenic, I dealt with psychosis and hallucinations.

So I started to talk about my experiences with that, stating AGAIN that I wasn't schizophrenic but I thought it was an interesting point of view.

Some other people started asking questions so I answered them, asking here and there if it was okay for me to talk about it, and nobody, INCLUDING the woman who started the conversation in the first place, said anything.

And at one point I saw she was uncomfortable and asked her if she'd rather drop the subject.

And then, she BLEW UP on me saying that I was trauma dumping, that she felt like she was partaking in a conversation she NEVER ASKED to partake in (again, she was the one who brought up the subject), that I was being insensitive and over sharing shit and that she didn't like it.

Like, bitch, I asked a bunch of time if it was okay, you were the one talking about these symptoms without even living it and trying to teach people some crappy over the counter shit, but now that she wasn't the Main Character with the Knowledge it became an issue and I was the problem.

I know that I'm open about my experiences and tend to talk about it but I ALWAYS make sure that people on the other end are okay with me sharing this. This was just utter bullshit.

And online or IRL, I just noticed that the term "trauma dumping" is just the easy way out of a conversation that makes you feel uncomfortable while putting the blame on the person doing it.

You can absolutely put boundaries, but don't you dare guilt someone just to avoid being seen as an asshole and make yourself clean of anything. It's healthy to state that you are uncomfortable talking about things, but you can do so without making up shit about others.

[prose-among-the-trees]

You know what’s really scary?

Being influenced by a community because believing them is safer than understanding the truth.

I was not programmed. The people who experience organized abuse and psychological abuse are real, cult survivors are real. I wanted an explanation for why I was treated the way I was, I wanted to believe that my abuser was intentionally hurting me. That it was her fault in her entirety. I wanted to believe she intentionally created my did so I could be a better kid.

But the thing is, she was just clueless. I have to understand and accept that my abuser just thought she was being a great parent. It’s not fun, knowing that there’s nuance to what you’ve experienced. None of it was my fault, and all of it was hers, of course, but it was an unintentional fault that will affect me for the rest of my life.

I wanted so badly to believe that she was maliciously harming me, training me to be a perfect little solider of a child. I needed to believe there was a concrete cause to my cptsd and did instead of a bunch of little things that ruined my life.

And that? Dealing with the fact that I wasn’t programmed and it really was just mistakes from a mother who shouldn’t have been involved?

That’s fucking terrifying.