#cw: cptsd

[badaziraphaletakes]

"Without knowing or perceiving any danger" except that the Metatrash is a murderous lunatic whose organization has repeatedly put Aziraphale in great danger and who Aziraphale knows collaborates with hell, and therefore could put his husband in great danger as well.

"How would he go about listening in?" First of all, NG literally put in that moment with him hearing Michael from outside the bookshop, to make it so obvious that it's like he's practically hitting us over the head with a 2x4 to make sure we get it. But frankly, I almost wish he hadn't, because the real issue here is that Aziraphale can't afford to assume he's *not* listening in.

(Oh and also he (Metatrash) popped up right after Crowley disclosed the secret of the giant miracle. After 6000 years of forced paranoia, I guarantee Aziraphale picked up on that. You get soooo used to noticing the smallest clues as to what your ab*ser's up to. Hypervigilance, and all. Just because we don't see Aziraphale drink as often as Crowley does, doesn't mean he doesn't have the angelic equivalent of C-PTSD, and probably PTSD too. It's that tired male PTSD stereotype rearing its ugly head again.)

[wanderingibon]

anya deserved so much better

[badaziraphaletakes]

Such good commentary! Thank you so much @turquoisedata for sharing this one with us!

I've seen some people saying that Muriel is annoying, shallow, one-dimensional, etc because of their sunshiney attitude. But those people are missing the point that Muriel isn't happy and sparkly because of a lack of depth as a character - it's actually evidence of how deeply abused and traumatized they are.

Look at the barely concealed sadness on their face when they refer to themself as "no one." Heaven treats them horribly, but they have to just smile and pretend it's fine. Because they're an angel, so what other choice do they have? They've been talked down to and told that they're unimportant for thousands of years. That they're beneath literally all of the other angels, just a 37th order scrivener, a nobody.

And so in order to cope with the horrific way that they're treated, they hide all of their emotions and trauma behind a cheerful mask. But if you look at how they act around the Archangels - how terrified they are to even approach Michael and Uriel, you can see how truly abused they are, and the pain and fear that they're hiding.

The other reason for their over-the-top cheerfulness is that they're so incredibly lonely. They've probably never had a friend - every couple hundred years someone comes and asks them a question, and that's it.

The poor thing has basically been kept in solitary confinement for thousands of years, of course they're going to be thrilled to speak to anyone at all, much less actually get to leave their desk and go to earth. Their sheer delight at everything on earth isn't just them being ditzy - it's the first time they've ever experienced anything other than the cold emptiness of heaven. The first time they've been allowed a tiny break from the horrible way that they're treated by the other angels.

Poor Muriel is so desperate for connection and validation that they're so excited to be needed, even after being called "the dim one" to their face. They hardly even reacted, it definitely wasn't their first time being called something like that.

All in all, Muriel is just like every single one of us who smiles through pain and loneliness and abuse, because we have no other choice. It doesn't mean that they're shallow and airheaded, or that they're any less traumatized than Crowley and Aziraphale. It means that they've learned that smiling is the only way to survive, because they're trapped in a heaven that feels like hell.

[kairoswouldnever]

i hate it how hard it is for me to keep myself functioning

i get it self-care is absolutely non-existent with me but when i fail to keep my space clean, it really bugs me. i sometimes wonder just what kind of mental illness mix do i have, and if it's just cPTSD or some form of a high-functioning depression. i am at a loss, but i know things are wrong.

at least i did clean today. and decluttered. and decided to get rid of some things that most definitely bring no joy, only bad memories.

[honeypiecastiel]

You know what the most fun thing about having cptsd is??? Thinking none of your friends actually care about you and that being solidified when they post pictures of them hanging out without you even though one of them is literally coming with you to a tattoo appointment tomorrow so that you're not anxious and alone. But instead of me recognizing that they can hang out without me I just feel like they don't actually like me because I was shown in my childhood that I don't matter.

[borderlinejessie]

I'm the kind of heavy nobody wants to carry.

[lostmf]

By @desnos

[ed-recoverry]

I love you everyone who was raped by a woman.

I love you everyone who was sexually assaulted by a woman.

I love you everyone who was molested by a woman.

I love you everyone who was sexually exploited by a woman.

I love you everyone who was groomed by a woman.

I love you everyone who was sexually assaulted or raped by a mother, sister, aunt, or grandmother.

Your trauma is real.

It was rape.

It was sexual assault.

Whether penetration was involved or not.

Whether oral sex was involved or not.

Whether there was physical contact or not.

Whether you showed physical signs of arousal or not.

Whether it was one time or many.

Whether you were a child, teen, or adult.

Whether you’re a boy, girl, intersex, trans, gnc, ect.

Whether you were intoxicated or sober.

I love you everyone who was sexually violated by a woman and is now sex repulsed.

I love you everyone who was sexually violated by a woman and is now hypersexual.

I love you everyone who was sexually violated by a woman and is now traumatized.

I love you everyone who was sexually violated by a woman and is now suffering.

I love you everyone who was sexually violated by a woman and was disregarded because your abuser was a woman.

I love you everyone who was sexually violated by a woman and she was never punished because she was a woman.

I love you everyone who was sexually violated by a woman and you weren’t believed because she was a woman.

I love you everyone who was sexually violated by a woman and was laughed off when you opened up about it, saying you “should have enjoyed it.”

I love you everyone who was sexually violated by a woman and is now sex repulsed.

I love you everyone who was sexually violated by a woman and was ignored.

[badaziraphaletakes]

Hello! Was looking for something on my blog and found this post

https://www.tumblr.com/turquoisedata/730723784383987712/i-am-literally-crying-because-shit-thats-me

And I wondered if you'd seen it/posted anything along these lines before? (You might have and I might have just missed it because Tumblr hates me and doesn't show me loads of stuff I want to see 🙃)

(if you have you can just delete this!!!)

Hi!

We've touched briefly on the fact that Muriel is very Autistic-appearing (thank you so much for the reblog pointing that out, @phoen1xr0se ! You're the best!) and how that has made people misjudge them as shallow/childish/naive/etc, but as far as I can recall we've never done a post about their traumatized behaviors. I'm so glad this person has done that here!

Thank you so much for sharing this EXCELLENT meta! It definitely didn't make me tear up... ;)

[borderlinejessie]

No silly!! My bpd doesn't make me your dream girl.

You're forgetting I can love you to the point it aches but I can also despise you so much I could ruin your life.

I can be hypers3xual and fun but would you still love me when I'm crying in an oversized hoodie scared to let anyone touch me?

Sure I can party, I'll rave, but what about when the liquor and dr/ug5 become more than a just a little weekend fun?

Maybe I understand why you're also scared of me. I'm scared of me too.

[lostmf]

[badaziraphaletakes]

Yes!!! These are such good points!

❤️❤️❤️

Bad Crowley Take for y'all, to mix it up a little bit!

Me when I read this:

Y'all, Crowley did NOT choose to fall. He’s said so many, many, many times. We're getting real tired of explaining this. (EDIT: What I, Mod X, meant to convey here is a. That given that Crowley said he didn’t mean to fall, it feels wrong to doubt his word about his own ab*se, and b. Whatever else Crowley may or may not have chosen, he definitely did not choose being thrown into a pool of boiling sulfur - assuming heaven knew it was there- on himself. No one “chooses” to be tortured that way. Hope this clears some things up. Sorry for the confusion caused by my poor wording.)

And one person’s ab*sive household (company? I don't even know lol) is NOT a "better" or "worse" experience to live through than another. That's just not how it works. We do NOT get to say one ab*se survivor had it “better” than another.

[gilbert-dauterive]

This is a heavy Yellowjackets post that I’ll try to tag with proper content warnings but here we go..

Shauna’s line to Misty in the adult timeline about something in her childhood warping her is accurate because something really did mess with Misty as a child. Yes, growing up Neurodivergent (I realize that’s not canon but Misty is totally ND) in a Neurotypical world definitely played a hand, but there is really something else.

I think about the characters that are shown to have a fucked up childhood (Van, Lottie, Nat) and how they do pretty well in the Wilderness. They hit the ground running more or less, and only people that have gone through some pretty serious shit can tap into that, and even get to a place where they somewhat can take time and enjoy themselves in a truly fucked scenario(this is especially true with Van and Misty).

I know the others (particularly Shauna and Tai) are also ‘taking it in stride’, but I am mostly curious by those who have had intrapersonal childhood trauma.

I get so curious about Misty and how well she thrives and seeks to maintain their time in the wilderness (smashing the box, recalling it fondly in her adult years). I know that having no friends is absolutely a cause for some of that behavior but I think of how many Homeschool kids that have a similar childhood with no social life and still aren’t as off as Misty early in the show.

I have frequently wondered what it was in her childhood that affected how she is and I think it’s CSA. (Childhood Sexual Abuse). There’s just a lot of details that seem to add up to that behavior. (So much of everything with Ben, how she views relationships with Men in her adult life, how she frequently berates herself for acting like a baby, how she can go from kind and doting to absolutely cold and vicious)

This was a ramble, and I’m not sure if we’ll ever get an answer, but just curious if anyone else gets that vibe.

-note: I am saying this all as a CSA survivor myself, so maybe I’m foisting my own stuff onto this.

[sleeplessv0id]

you had to have realized what you were doing to me. things like that don't happen by accident. things like that don't happen out of 'love.'

[gor3sigil]

I have to share a story about why I HATE the term "trauma dumping".

So basically, we were at my at the time partner's house with friends of them and we were talking about mental health.

I don't remember exactly how we came to this but one woman started talking about psychosis and her sister who is schizophrenic.

She had a lot of preconception about this and, while I am not schizophrenic, I dealt with psychosis and hallucinations.

So I started to talk about my experiences with that, stating AGAIN that I wasn't schizophrenic but I thought it was an interesting point of view.

Some other people started asking questions so I answered them, asking here and there if it was okay for me to talk about it, and nobody, INCLUDING the woman who started the conversation in the first place, said anything.

And at one point I saw she was uncomfortable and asked her if she'd rather drop the subject.

And then, she BLEW UP on me saying that I was trauma dumping, that she felt like she was partaking in a conversation she NEVER ASKED to partake in (again, she was the one who brought up the subject), that I was being insensitive and over sharing shit and that she didn't like it.

Like, bitch, I asked a bunch of time if it was okay, you were the one talking about these symptoms without even living it and trying to teach people some crappy over the counter shit, but now that she wasn't the Main Character with the Knowledge it became an issue and I was the problem.

I know that I'm open about my experiences and tend to talk about it but I ALWAYS make sure that people on the other end are okay with me sharing this. This was just utter bullshit.

And online or IRL, I just noticed that the term "trauma dumping" is just the easy way out of a conversation that makes you feel uncomfortable while putting the blame on the person doing it.

You can absolutely put boundaries, but don't you dare guilt someone just to avoid being seen as an asshole and make yourself clean of anything. It's healthy to state that you are uncomfortable talking about things, but you can do so without making up shit about others.

[prose-among-the-trees]

You know what’s really scary?

Being influenced by a community because believing them is safer than understanding the truth.

I was not programmed. The people who experience organized abuse and psychological abuse are real, cult survivors are real. I wanted an explanation for why I was treated the way I was, I wanted to believe that my abuser was intentionally hurting me. That it was her fault in her entirety. I wanted to believe she intentionally created my did so I could be a better kid.

But the thing is, she was just clueless. I have to understand and accept that my abuser just thought she was being a great parent. It’s not fun, knowing that there’s nuance to what you’ve experienced. None of it was my fault, and all of it was hers, of course, but it was an unintentional fault that will affect me for the rest of my life.

I wanted so badly to believe that she was maliciously harming me, training me to be a perfect little solider of a child. I needed to believe there was a concrete cause to my cptsd and did instead of a bunch of little things that ruined my life.

And that? Dealing with the fact that I wasn’t programmed and it really was just mistakes from a mother who shouldn’t have been involved?

That’s fucking terrifying.