#cass: stole them from dick :)

[mamawasatesttube]

kon bart and cass as a trio who have just never had a childhood experience could be so funny. i want to see it

[brains-out-rn]

I love this. So much.

dick got a new apartment. but at what cost

[redsray]

my favourite part of the Wayne Kids being, you know, the Waynes, and popular celebrities is the fact that these are teenagers and young adults who are given ... celebrity powers. and i know they're stupidly petty with them. every time you log onto twitter you'd see 3 of them engaged in a sibling argument, completely uncaring that it's being broadcasted to thousands of people

Dick, tweeting: Tim stole my sandwich today, hey siri how do i un-adopt a sibling?

Tim: ??? I didn't steal your sandwich??

Dick: Then who did??? It was there this morning and you were the only one in the manor the entire morning??

Tim: Dick, my unfortunately kind of favourite brother, I was not in the manor today

Dick: YOU WEREN'T?!?!?

Tim: no, I've been in my apartment all week. did you hallucinate me?? LMFAO

Cass: I was there this morning.

Dick: Oh. No wonder then??? You 2 look too similar, one of you needs to cut your hair

Tim: Not it

Cass: . . .

Tim: on second thought, maybe it's time for a haircut

Cass: :D <3

Tim: Love you too, Cass

Random Twitter User, quote tweeting the last tweet: So did you ever find out who took Dick's sandwich????

Cass: Jay did.

Dick: JAY DID?!?!?

Cass: Oh. Did you not know?

Dick: NO?!????

Cass: Oh. @/jason start running. Sorry.

Steph: Guys Jason might deadass die again Dick is ONTO him

Random Twitter User: ... Again?

Steph: hardly the point rn, jared

Babs: Why did Jason just climb in my window asking me to hide him

Tim: he's running from Dick, lol

Babs: Oh, why?

Tim: he ate his sandwich

Babs: Got it, he's hiding behind my couch now, screeching about Cass betraying him.

Dick: BABS DON'T MOVE. DON'T LET HIM LEAVE.

[incorrectbatfam]

What does Tim say when people ask about his spleen?

Damian: I am updating my blackmail records. Tell me what happened to your spleen in its full hilarity.

Tim: I donated it to a sickly orphan.

Damian: You win this round.

———————

Tim: I have to be careful, I lost my spleen.

Carrie: How?

Tim: Aliens.

———————

Tim: I'm zero percent spleen and fifty-nine percent pizza sauce.

Helena: Zero percent spleen?

Tim: Yep. On the bright side, they named a disease after me.

———————

Luke: I've designed nanotech vitals trackers to be implanted on our spleens.

Tim: Oh, no thanks. I don't have one.

Luke: You don't have a spleen?

Tim: It wasn't paying rent so I evicted it. Lazy freeloader.

———————

Barbara: Why does your chart say you're missing a spleen?

Tim: I made a deal with the devil but I had a discount code so instead of my soul I just needed to sell a non-essential organ.

———————

Steph: What happened to your spleen? Are you okay?

Tim: I'm fine. It's taking an extended gap year.

———————

Harper: So... can I ask about your spleen?

Tim: Yeah, don't worry. I was part of a failed science experiment.

Cullen: What'd they do?

Tim: They injected me with a serum that was supposed to make me indestructible. But instead all I got were a spleen removal and chronic insomnia. And a free T-shirt.

Cullen:

Harper:

Cullen: Was it a nice shirt?

———————

Dick: What do you mean you don't have a spleen?!?

Tim: It was confiscated by airport security.

———————

Tim: Happy Pride! My spleen finally came out of the closet. And by closet I mean my body.

Kate: Diversity win.

———————

Tim and Jason: *arguing*

Jason: At least I still have my spleen!

Tim: It's genetic!

Jason: Sucks to be you.

Tim: We have the same dad. It could happen to you too.

Jason, scoffing: Whatever.

Jason, internally: Oh shit, he's right. I need to see Leslie.

———————

Tim and Bette: *sparring*

Bette: *hits Tim*

Tim: Ow. Time out. That was my spleenhole.

Bette: ...How?

Tim: It took a trip to the Titanic in a soup can with a Playstation controller.

———————

Duke: Since when did you have that scar?

Tim: Since losing my spleen last year.

Duke: How do you lose a spleen?

Tim: You forget to cherish it.

———————

Cass: ?

Tim: I digested it.

———————

Selina: You know I have to tell Bruce about this.

Tim: Okay, fine.

Tim: I had to get it removed as a kid after falling into a well of bats.

———————

Bruce: Tell me what happened to your spleen so Alfred and Leslie can give you the proper treatment.

Tim: What do you mean?

Bruce: Everyone's been telling me you don't have it.

Tim: Well, I do, so...

Bruce: Alright, I'll have a talk with them about bad taste pranks.

———————

Alfred: You can't keep the truth from me, Master Tim.

Tim: Assassins stole it.

Alfred: I wasn't born yesterday. Now what really happened?

Tim: ...

[confused-wanderer]

..the batfam siblings are randomnly getting teleported through time to the original days of batman and robin, but somehow Bruce is nowhere to be seen. This leads to so many more questions, and each of them has begged the villains to just put them out of their misery at some point.

Exhibit 1

Jason *teleports into Wayne Manor*

Jason: what the actual fuck is happening?

Eight year old Dick:

Jason:

Jason: Ah sh- shoot.. Hey there..

Eight year old Dick *lip trembles*

Jason *panicking* : uhhhh hey kid please don’t cry-

*WHAM*

Jason’s knees explode in pain as he doubled over and then there’s a continuous tornado of blows coming before he’s down for the count

Eight year old Dick: IM GONNA ROCK YOUR SHIT FUCKER *about to smash a granite statue on Jason’s head if Alfred hadn’t walked in at that moment*

Jason *tasting blood and wheezing* : I- I think my ribs are broken.. also why does this fucking feel like déjà vu?

Exhibit 2

Tim:

Robin!Dick:

Tim: uh- hey Dick?

*villain appears*

Tim *running in front* : Don’t worry I’ll protect yo-

Robin!Dick running out from behind him wielding an electric blowtorch he stole from Tim: MEET YOUR END TODAY!

Tim *panicking* : ROBIN NO

Dick *cackling* : ROBIN YES

Exhibit 3

Damian:

Dick:

Damian: Richard.. you’re- not what I expected.

Dick *scaling the side of the skyscraper to help a cat stuck there*

Damian: .. Compassion is a quality you always-

Damian:

Damian: .. Richard.. where is the rest of your gear?

Robin!Dick *with cats in hand running off the ledge*

Damian: RICHARD WHERE IS YOUR GRAPPLING HOOK?!

Dick ended up doing several gymnastic moves, giving a perfect landing with the cat in tow and not a single scratch on him. Damian has stopped functioning.

Bonus

Cass *smiling warmly*

Dick *smiling and waving* : HI NICE LADY!! Do you want a cookie? Alfred made them!!

Cass *taking the packet Dick is trying to hold upright*

Dick: That ones for you! And this *takes out a small box with a skull drawn on it with crayons* is for your family! I know you don’t like talking about them.. and I think they’re the ones who hurt you. Just give them one cookie and they’ll never bother you again!

Cass: :) . Thanks.. but cookie not solve everything..

Dick: Aww..

Dick:

Dick: If I burn their house down will that work?

Cass: •_•

[mckinlily]

Imagine a world where Bruce Wayne did not become Batman. Instead, he is just a Normal Dude. Or as normal as a billionaire deeply dedicated philanthropy in a city as insane as Gotham can be.

Because make no mistake: just because Bruce is not Batman does not mean Gotham is not Gotham.

There are a few new players though—on the Rogues side.

Timothy Drake is the teen business tycoon of Drake Industries. Absent of the inspiration of Batman and the socialization and warmth of Dick Grayson, he is ruthless and logical to a fault in pursuit of his goals and just as viciously chaotic as the disaster little brother Jason knows.

In other words, he’s Gotham’s youngest supervillian. The only good news is his chosen nemesis is Lex Luthor. Maybe. Timothy doesn’t care much about collateral damage. It’s not his goal to harm civilians, but he certainly doesn’t include their safety as a priority in his convoluted schemes to mess with Luthor.

Talon is an undead murderer who slaughtered a huge swath the Gotham’s 1% five years ago and, despite being spotted many times since, has never been apprehended. He appears when he wants and disappears just as readily, and Gotham just has to accept there’s a killer stalking their streets and there’s nothing they can do about it. Sometimes Talon has been known to rescue people, especially, but it’s never clear how or why exactly Talon chooses who is victim verses aggressor. And the end is always brutal and bloody for those Talon deems aggressor.

Damian is still Bruce’s biological son and raised by Talia in the League of Assassins. But when he was left in Gotham and met his father, this Bruce was so baffled and thrown by a child assassin that Damian immediately takes as rejection and runs away. (He doesn’t even stay long enough for Bruce to be sure it wasn’t a hallucination or very strange dream).

Damian is almost immediately found and adopted by Talon, so now Gotham has TWO bird-themed killers liable to jump down on you from nowhere and for any reason.

Oh, and god help you if you so much as make Talon’s baby Owlet sad. If you’re lucky, it will be the last thing you do.

Barbara is an ordinary librarian…who can be hired as a mercenary hacker for the right price. The public isn’t afraid of her because they don’t know she exists. More than one politician or public figure has been ruined because of the blackmail she unearthed on them. But what side exactly is the police commissioner’s daughter on? And how much of Gotham does she have under thumb?

(Is she a secret ally and accessory to Timothy Drake’s many plots?)

Steph, thank god, is actually NOT a villain, super or otherwise. She’s the one vigilante attempting to help Gotham. Spoiler has connections among some of the caped community like Supergirl or Wonder Girl. But without Bat training or the police cooperation forged years ago by Batman, she’s mostly just striving to survive while taking on Gotham’s many, many gang. Make no mistake, she’s impressive. But desperate. Spoiler comes with guns and explosions. So. Many. Explosions. Gotham has never heard of the “no kill” rule. And likely never will.

(Cass also lives in Gotham. But no one will ever see her or even know she’s there.)

Jason….well. Baby Jason never stole any Batmobile tires and never was adopted by a strange but kind billionaire. He was never killed at 15.

He died in the winter before he turned 13.

And then one day, Adult Canon Jason gets thrown into this dimension. And somehow Gothan is WORSE?! How is that even possible? Also his siblings are running around being super villains and killing people? Bruce! Control your children!!

But this Bruce does not have children (he’s still mostly convinced Damian was a prank or hallucination). He is horrified by the idea of children fighting crime. He has absolutely no idea how to handle exceptionally talented chaos machines with too much passion and no sense of self preservation. And he’s frankly a little disturbed by Jason himself and his guns and refusal to “work within the system” and Jason nopes out of there so freaking fast.

Jason also, slowly, has to become okay with the realization that his siblings are not insane because they were made Robin. They became Robin because they were already insane. There was no way to create a normal human being out of any of them.

(Jason does not want to look too closely at what that says about him.)

In the end, Jason teams up with Steph. He connects her with Dick/Talon, who is more than happy to have a new Owlet to train and preen, and Damian only slightly stabs her. They manage to persuade/threaten Tim into caring enough to help get Jason back to his dimension with misuse of Drake Industry research equipment. Damian very much does stab Tim. Tim retaliates by locking Damian in an industrial freezer. Dick thinks they’re bonding. Jason introduces them to Babs, but frankly he has no idea what he’s hoping to achieve from this. Probably nothing good because Dick, despite being an under-socialized undead assassin with some weird mannerisms and ways of speaking, still manages to pull a woman way out his league like Barbie. And Babs seems to have no problem with the “murder” part that description.

Jason never realized how much Bruce’s strict moral code and “the Mission” were key to the rest of them becoming remotely positive influences in society. Or how little Bruce has to do with his siblings getting into dangerous, violent situation. He doesn’t like anything about it.

They work out how send Jason back, and he returns to his dimension with the feeling he’s just left Alternate Gotham to a gang of supervillains.

…at least they’re together?

And Talon Dick won’t let any of his new Owlets die and will rain bloody vengeance on anyone who tries. So that’s good. For them at least.

(Jason feels absurdly like he should be apologizing to this universe’s Bruce. Or. Someone. He doesn’t. But he feels like he should.)

Back at in his dimension and at the Batcave, Jason pauses and just stares at Batman for a very, very long time. Finally, he takes a deep breath and solemnly nods just once before taking off into the Manor for Alfred’s cookies.

Bruce has no idea what the fuck just happened.

[corkinavoid]

A list of things I've done that pissed my mother off, but as Batfam + Team Phantom edition

Bruce: got into a verbal fight and held a year-long grudge at my teacher for not giving me a fair grade at an annual competition, and proceeded to go out of my way to win said competition next year

Alfred: refused to eat her food, got told to cook for myself and did so, ending up with both my dad and sister saying my banana bread was the best thing they've eaten

Dick: swung on the bungee rope over the dry riverbed turned into junk yard, fell, miraculously did not die, went to that same bungee rope the next day

Babs: organized a stake out, found out which neighbor had been messing with trash bins when everyone blamed raccoons, called said neighbor a raccoon for the next three weeks

Jason: kept reading books at night with a flashlight, when said flashlight was taken away, lit a candle and accidentally almost set the house on fire

Tim: fled to a different country across the globe without telling anyone except my sister, who's been 7 at the time, and did not respond to any calls or messages for three months

Steph: picked a dress with glitter for a dinner with her relatives after specifically being told not to, was forced to change, but took my revenge by exploding a glitter bomb in the car when we have already arrived at the relatives' house

Cass: responded with 'sorry I didn't quite catch that could you repeat' to her very long rant, over text

Damian: successfully clawed and gnawed at a classmate's face after they destroyed my painting

Duke: was the leader of school rebellion over the 'no wigs allowed in school' rule in sixth grade, managed to convince two teachers to join, ended up with the rule taken down

Danny: accidentally shocked myself with a tazer I stole from her handbag, cried, when she came to ask what happened, showed her by repeating the accidental electrocution

Dan: pushed my maternal aunt into the pool and watched her flounder, knowing very well she is a bad swimmer, when confronted about it later argued it was the kiddie part of the pool and she could not have drowned

Jazz: told her I was in love with a girl she disliked, when she voiced her opinion on it, made a whole argument about how I'm supposed to learn from my own mistakes and not from her experiences

Dani: zoned out while she was yelling at me, came back to her saying 'you're no better than a pig', impulsively told her 'it's because of genetics' and started oinking

Sam: painted my nails and toes on my left hand and left foot black, dyed my hair purple, but only on the left side, as well as got a piercing on the left eyebrow, while the whole right side was left 'natural'

Tucker: learned to change the wi-fi password and held power over the internet every time she took my electronics away by asking a friend that lived nearby to come by my house and using their phone to change the password

Bonus:

Selina: repeatedly stolen antique jewelry from grandma because she, in turn, stole it from my other grandma

Valerie: turned rogue, teamed up with the opponent team in lasertag and helped them win over my own teammates

Talia: threatened a person I will carve their eyeballs out with a spoon if they ever as much as look at my sister funny again, a month later gave them a decorated silver teaspoon as a birthday gift

Jack Fenton: failed my driving license test seven times, three of which were on purpose

Maddie: ruined her plans of my picture-perfect marriage by friendzoning a son of her friend, claiming I'm saving my love only for the important things like mozzarella

Vlad: scared my sister shitless by telling her a scary story about ghosts under her bed and then hiding under her bed and making 'boo' noizes

Clockwork: purposefully made her experience deja vu by wearing the exact same clothes and greeting her the exact same way in the exact same place for three days in a row

[justsomestuffreally]

I think the Batfamily's protocol for truth serums/ truth artifacts/ etc. is to talk faster than the other party can ask questions. Just them trying to derail the conversation enough that they forget what they originally wanted to ask. Here's what I think they would say when kidnapped and dosed with a truth serum:

Bruce: Usually says in a really deadpan voice "I had an orgy with Green Arrow once". Whoever used the truth serum on him immediately assumes that of course, it doesn't work on Batman, why did I bother. Bruce then only has to keep up with the appearance that the serum did not work on him.

Dick: Gossip. He'll take talk about the Titans or JL stuff that happened years ago while obfuscating the timeline and events ("Oh yeah, Arsenal (back then Speedy) absolutely stole (a sandwich) from Flash (back then Kidflash), he was livid").

Jason: Information on rivals of the kidnappers. He doesn't care if they use the info to kill enemy gang members, so he can lay their plans wide open. Where they stash their drugs, where the guns are, how they transfer money, etc. He's a goldmine of information and it's a win-win for him. If they fight each other they don't bother him and his people.

Tim: Conspiracy theories. He'll start talking about how the earth was flat for 3 minutes and about various shadow governments. Either his kidnappers think he's crazy and his information meaningless or they are very sacred because what.

Cass: She usually tells them in detail how she could kill them. If they readjust their stance she'll explain all the ways it leaves them open. Most are too freaked out to ask any more questions.

Damian: Tries to tell people how many people he murdered. However either they assume the truth serum didn't work or they still can't take him seriously. He found out that if he talks about Jerry most of the kidnappers are too confused why this angry twelve-year-old has a turkey as a pet, managed to convince Batman he can have a turkey as a pet and now tells them how to care for said turkey, that they forget what they originally wanted to asks him.

Duke: He'll tell them stories about Gotham and how sometimes when you open a dumpster, you can't stop laughing even though there is a decapitated head in there (Joker gas got trapped in the dumpster). He'll talk about how Gotham used to be haunted by a demon (Barbatos) or various other campfire horror stories (using his powers for added creepy lighting) to scare the kidnappers enough to leave.

[im-not-buying-it-ether]

The many offers to one Billy Batson, curtesy of many a BatFam, and his answers

Jason offered to “strongly inconvenience” his scumbag uncle Ebenezer, he said sure and Jason planted a lot of illegal material in his house and got him arrested till he’s very very dead. The family home he stole is now property of a bank that Wayne enterprises just so happens to have recently bought

Damian offered a friendly alliance for information on the daily talks and goings on within the justice league, Billy said sure as long as Damian teaches him how to sword fight. Damian now has many files on the hilarious inside jokes, embarrassing moments of many justice league members, and lots of footage of Batman rambling on about how proud he is of Damian

Bruce offered to adopt him to get him off the streets, Billy said no. “I’m not going to give up being Billy Batson and be William Wayne-son Bats.”

Jason offered to let Billy be his sidekick for the week Batman told him he was benched from League business, Billy said yes and thus Hoodlum was born.

Stephanie offered him a twenty if he tried to use a phrase of her choosing as a spell on a thug next time they patrolled, he said yes. Turns out the Champion of Magic can bend a lot of rules with spell casting, so saying “skedaddle skidoodle your dick is now a noodle” apparently works as an actual hex (Bruce was not happy with either of them, the rest of the bat fam are not writing lists of phrase ideas to test and building a “Magic Test” fund. Absolutely not, no way)

Cass offered him some ASL lessons so he could remember how to do it without the Wisdom of Solomon, hopped right into being taught by her since it is a good skill to have.

[avayarising]

Deaths of Dick Grayson

Part of the Batfam Death Project.

Dick has died four times and travelled to a world of the dead twice. Total time dead: up to several weeks.

Verifiable deaths

1. Killed by the Joker (Emperor Joker, 2000)

Dick was killed by the Joker after Joker stole reality-altering powers from Mxyzptlk and remade the universe to his liking.

It’s unclear exactly how he died, but Joker kept Nightwing’s dead and rotting corpse alongside Tim’s and Jason’s.

Dick was brought back to life when the universe was restored by Mxyzptlk and Hal Jordan (as the Spectre) after Superman defeated Joker.

Time dead: unclear, but it appears to be multiple days and theoretically could be several weeks.

2. Briefly killed by Mr Fun (Batman: Family 2:7, 2003)

Dick was killed by Mr Fun, a skilled assassin working for a gang boss calling herself Athena (who was also CEO of Wayne Enterprises and trying to bring it down from the inside). Mr Fun crept up on Nightwing, hit him in the head with a golf club and then, while he was concussed and disoriented, used pressure points to stop his breathing and heart.

Cass fought Mr Fun off Nightwing, but Mr Fun shot her off the roof with one of dead Nightwing’s wrist rockets. When Cass recovered, Mr Fun had left (to kill the person they were supposed to be guarding). She returned to Nightwing and resuscitated him using CPR, which apparently cured his head injury too.

Time dead: long enough for Cass to fight off Mr Fun (which wasn’t easy) and recover from being shot down, and then give Dick CPR, so probably a good few minutes.

3. Killed and raised by Lex Luthor (Forever Evil 6–7, 2014)

Dick was hooked up to a murder machine involving a bomb wired to his heart, such that it could only be disarmed by killing Dick. Lex Luthor stopped his heart by making him swallow a pill.

Batman of course then started going feral on Lex until Lex persuaded him that he could bring Dick back, which he did with a shot of adrenaline to the heart.

Time dead: long enough for Batman to get in a good couple of punches on Luthor, plus time for Luthor to detach Dick from the machine, so probably up to two minutes.

4. Beaten to death by groblins (Dark Nights: Death Metal 7, 2021)

Dick, along with other members of the Batfamily, was overwhelmed by a swarm of ‘groblins’: mindless evil Jokerised Robins invading from the Dark Multiverse, led by the Robin King (an evil child Bruce Robin). His death happens off-panel but we see his corpse lying on the ground.

(Then Bruce, who was already dead and a Black Lantern, raised his dead family members as zombies.)

Dick was restored to proper life when Wonder Woman, powered by the determination of her friends, defeated the evil Batman Who Laughs and persuaded the gods to remake the multiverse as it was before the evil universes invaded the good ones.

Time dead: somewhere from quarter of an hour to an hour? Or perhaps a lot longer, if it took longer to rebuild the world. It’s always a little tricky to be sure when world remakes are involved.

Afterlife visits

A trip to Dis (Titans 1:4, 1999)

Dick, along with the rest of the Titans, signed a magic book created by a demon called Goth that summoned them to Dis, a region of Hell. Goth had positioned himself as an actor and superstar and got his fans to sign the book, then led them in a chant to transport them to Dis.

Kory was amongst those who had signed the book and was transported, so Dick and the rest of the Titans went after her.

They discover that the way to get out is to find things to care about, and spend some time individually persuading people to care one at a time, but they start to lose hope, infected by the aura of apathy in Dis. Kory, who is less affected, attacks Goth and throws him down from a height, causing his fans to return to the mortal world because they are worried about Goth and the Titans to return because they are worried about Kory.

Time in afterlife: looks like several hours.

Hell heist (Nightwing 4:103, 2023)

Raven created a portal to bring Nightwing, along with Beast Boy and Cyborg, to Hell to find Blockbuster’s contract with the demon Neron, wherein Blockbuster sold the soul of his firstborn daughter, a nine-year-old called Olivia.

They found the contract and returned to the mortal realm, also courtesy of Raven. (Turned out Neron’s contract was easy to thwart: Dick just had to become a foster parent and assume legal guardianship of Olivia. Neron tried to tempt Dick with super powers, but while Dick very much enjoyed the free sample he was not even briefly tempted to give up Olivia for them.)

Time in afterlife: probably a few hours of travel, fighting, and research.

Batfam Death Project Masterpost

[haveihitanerve]

Bruce makes it in time to get to Jason. But… is it enough to save him?

“Master Bruce-“ “I’m almost there Alfred.” Bruce bites back, almost breaking his wrist by how hard he twists the motorcycle accelerator. And he is. He can see the warehouse. Bruce lands, not even bothering to slow, leaping off the bike as it crashes into the trees and he sprints for the doors, terrified he’ll make it too late, that he won’t be fast enough for his son. The door slams open, Bruce not even bothering to check if it’s locked or not, just plowing it down, and hurries inside, spotting his son within a moment. Jason opens his eyes in surprise, mouth curving to form a perfect O. “Br- Batman.” He whispers, voice hoarse with disbelief. Bruce rushes to his side, cupping his cheek, cradling the boy- his boy, to his chest. “Jay. Jay bird. Jaylad. Hey firecracker. Hey bud.” Jason’s eyes fill with tears and Bruce does his best to wipe them away, to press a kiss to his son's forehead. “You came.” Jason whispers, tears clogging his throat. “Of course baby.” Bruce murmurs, rocking back and forth. “Of course I came, baby. I will always come for you. Always.” He presses another kiss to Jason’s head. “I love you son. I love you, I love you, I love you.” “I love you too-“ Jason rasps, but his eyes catch something on the wall behind him. “Dad, wait- the bomb-“ the explosion shakes the very earth, and Gotham seems to curl in on herself, screaming with a pain and rage that is unimaginable. In a basement cave in the middle of Gotham, a butler's hands go cold. A man, wearing a blue mask a city over, suddenly feels a chill sweep over him, and something inside him, probably his heart, feels like it’s been torn in two.

Their bodies are found, or at least what’s left of them, two days later, the larger man wrapped almost completely around the smaller, cradling his boy to his chest. Nightwing almost beats Joker to death and is only stopped by three others, all of which seem just as inclined to kill him, but resist. Gotham mourns, earthquakes shaking the ground, warehouses crumbling to dust, and Joker is found drowned in the harbor, the fishes whisper of a presence so old and strong even the biggest fish feared her, and Aquaman shudders. Gothamites mourn their fallen Prince and his adopted son, but Gotham mourns her prodigal sons, her children, her oldest and youngest, and cradles the last survivor to her chest, cloaking him in shadows and gifting him all the things she did not give the others, the things she thought they wouldn’t need so long as they had each other, the things she had not yet granted them ready for. She drapes them over the young, jaded hero, gifting him sight and smell and sound, allowing him to control her shadows and her streets and most of all… gifting him flight, the way his namesake first claimed, the way her firstborn child and her youngest were never able to. The Vulture takes to the Gotham skyline like a moth to open flames, perhaps a little less withdrawn with his punches, perhaps a little more protective of young boys, but belonging to Gotham all the same. The Joker stole something from her, and she will never allow it to happen again. The Vulture gains followers, friends, the Starling, the Goldfinch, the Owl, the Crow, the Cardinal, and Robin, all under Gothams protection, and she has him watch, from his watery prison, as they protect her, defend their city from the ilk like him, not giving in to their rage and revenge, but helping, rebuilding Gotham in his image. Their image. The man who saw hope, and his son. Batman and Robin.

(In case it was unclear, the three people pulling dick away from Joker are Babs, Kate and Luke, and then the Vulture is dick, and his friends, in order as listed, are Stephanie, Duke, Babs, Cass, Tim, and Damian. Also Gotham does kill Joker because she knows dick cannot but she also keeps him half alive, suspended in time, destined to drown for all eternity and watch as the bats succeed in honor of Batman the man he fought against.)

[runesinthenight]

Batfam accent headcanons

Bruce has a vaguely British accent. He sounds mostly American, but he was raised by a British butler and it shows.

Dick's accent doesn't have a name because he can't stick to one accent. He picked up bits and pieces of language from the different people in Haly's Circus as well as from different places the circus stopped over the years. Dick can and will used 10 different accents in one sentence.

Jason has the thickest Jersey accent. He sounds like Tony Soprano, which does womders for him as a crime boss. It also helps him connect with the people of Crime Alley because he sounds like he belongs.

Tim has a vaguely transatlantic accent because his parents wanted him to sound posh and sophisticated when they brought him to galas. It's still the voice he uses for meetings, interviews, galas, social functions, etc. He developed a more.standard American accent while training prior to becoming Robin so his accent couldn't tie them together.

Damian has an upper class Arabic accent. He was raised in the League of Assassins as the heir of the Demon Head. He was raised to believe he was better than everyone else. His accent reflects that. He sounds slightly more American as Robin, but not by much.

Babs and Steph also have Jersey accemts but they're not nearly as strong as Jason’s. Steph's accent is stronger than Babs's. I feel like Babs has the tiniest bit of New Yorker accent.

Cass doesn't speak much, but when she does she tends to mimic aspects of the person she's talking with's accent. She has a bit of a mish mash of accents that she stole from various Batfam members, but she's nowhere near as bad as Dick.

Duke has an accent somewhere between a Jersey accent and AAVE. It's distinctly different from Jason’s Jersey accent.

Alfred is British.

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

batfam admitting to minor crimes

Bruce: hi I’m Bruce Wayne I broke into the GCPD and put laxatives in all the coffee machines. they were being corrupt again…

Dick: hi I’m dick Grayson I changed out the chalk for itching powder in the Gotham city gymnastics club, no reason but it was so funny watching everyone just itch and fall off the bar lol. Also they were all part of a giant sex trafficking ring so who cares!

Jason: hi I’m Jason Todd, I gave all of Gotham’s cats including the big cats catnip and unleashed havoc upon the city because SeLiNa stole my fucking BIKE

Tim: hi I’m Timothy drake i created a phishing scam that stole most of gothams high ranking government officials information and ransomed it back to them or else. (Jason: what the fuck do you mean or else?) or else I release their search histories and chat logs MUHAHAHAHAHAH

Damian: Tt, i’m Damian al ghul Wayne, I stole all of the live fish from the iceberg lounge, many various dental offices, the GCPD and more. Not my fault their standards of care were abysmal.

Steph: ugh, I’m Stephanie brown. I trolled multiple white supremacy groups into believing that their “aryan” race was in fact fake bitchy shit, and that omegaverse was the better version and then they all cried when they learned what omegaverse was. It was glorious I also conducted a phishing scam and beat their faces in but you know!

Cass: I’m Cassandra Cain, I sabotaged my ballet trope’s grand opening because I had things that day, I broke all of the lights. Every single light in that stage, it was broken.

Duke: I pirated all of supernatural and all of my textbooks, I haven’t actually paid for tv or movies in 17 years. Yo ho ho!

Alfred: I broke multiple of my NDA’s and leaked all of that information anonymously on the interwebs people deserved to know.. (Dick: wait about what?) things..

Prev | current | next

[incorrectbatfam]

It's graduation season and you know imma ask for batfam grad hcs

• Alfred missed his graduation because he was called to the military and didn't celebrate until after he moved to Gotham

• Bruce's name was somehow the only one the announcer goofed

• Kate celebrated leaving West Point by sticking a really big knife in a cake

• Selina crashed a lot of grad parties of people who didn't like her

• Luke had so many honor cords he had to wear some as belts

• Bette was valedictorian and snuck a Bruce Wayne Is Batman joke into her speech

• Barbara's graduation party witnessed the first and only time the Commissioner tried to breakdance

• Helena celebrated getting her teaching license with the kids she tutored

• Dick did a backflip across the stage

• Steph ordered catering from Waffle House

• Harper dropped out but set up fireworks anyway for the hell of it

• Cullen went from the unconfident freshman trying to be invisible to openly wearing a rainbow stole as he got his diploma

• Tim also dropped out but took people's grad photos in exchange for free food

• Duke decorated multiple caps and kept switching them out during the ceremony

• Carrie covered her robe with enamel pins that jangled when she walked

• Damian only RSVPed for the pets

• Cass graduated an online course and the family surprised her with her favorite midnight patrol breakfast

• Jason secretly finished school and is waiting for the day he can go "well actually…" and pull out his degree knowledge

[madam-miss-fortune]

Fun little fact about the Batfam, they DO NOT ignore the duolingo notifications. They're super high duolingo scorers. Like, seriously.

They know so many languages, so like...I def think that Bruce gave them books and lessons and all sorts of stuff, but the main thing they use to learn so many languages? Duolingo. They don't kid around with Duolingo. They have a streak going. Whoever has the highest streak going wins.

The ranking, in order:

Bruce: No one knows how. They never see him on it. He has an undefeated streak of thousands of days and everyone is convinced he's planning on learning every language duolingo has to offer.

Barbara: Close to God tier. Hundreds of days, multiple languages. She has a better streak on coding apps. Not like she needs them, but they're like fun puzzle games for her. She especially loved to use them while she was recovering; it's how she got so into it.

Dick: He's been doing it for so long, but he breaks his streak pretty often, so him and Jason are neck and neck.

Jason: Lost track of his duolingo for years during the time we shall not mention, but he fished out his old email account (as in, he snuck into his old bedroom and stole his old tech) for the express purpose of regaining his streak.

Tim: Has been doing duolingo for years and years. He's close to reaching first place, but he's not there yet. Everyone assumes he hacks his way into getting a high streak because no one ever sees him on duolingo, but he won't admit it.

Damian: Doesn't need duolingo at all. He only does it because he thinks it's required to be part of the Wayne family or smth.

Cass: Likes using Duolingo to learn better pronunciation and grammar.

Duke: Doesn't use duolingo much. He's just starting out, but he has a good streak going.

Steph: Barely ever uses duolingo. Like ever. Has had a few French lessons, knows a lot of Spanish from school classes and childhood friends, but also knows a weird amount of languages from just pulling up YouTube videos and listening to them.

[arty-shadow-morningstar]

Cursed idea I had in the shower.

Bruce gets hit with a sleeping beauty type of curse.

You know. Be asleep in a deathlike state and only be awoken by a true love kiss.

(Let's assume Zatanna can't do shit for that type of old magic used and that was the only cure)

But the question is who is Batman's true love?

Catwoman is first candidate. He was going to marry her once. It didn't work.

Then, Damian asked his mom. Talia Al Ghul. The woman Bruce did marry and even had a kid with. Nope.

So kids are starting to panic.

They have to find that one special someone Bruce loves but he's Batman.

He doesn't talk about his feelings ever and making him do it is like pulling out teeth.

So they starts calling people they thought Bruce had good chemistry with.

Wonder Woman raised an eyebrow at the batkids' request but does it anyway. Didn't work.

Zatanna also reacted the same way.

Leslie Thompkins does it after some badgering.

Both Harley and Ivy does it to humor them.

Then, someone (Tim) finds Bruce's diary from where he was a teenager.

In it, Bruce talks about his crush on this boy, comparing him to the sun. Took a while for Tim to come to the horrifying realization that Bruce was talking about Harvey Dent aka Two Face.

They somehow managed to get Harvey to kiss Bruce. It still didn't work. But the kids are kinda traumatized by how close they were to having Two Face as a stepdad.

Then, they realised that they were only focusing on Bruce's female romantic interests so they decided to get everyone Bruce ever had chemistry with.

Clark had to awkwardly do it in front of his wife when he just came over to the Batcave check in on his best friend.

Lois gave Bruce a quick peck on the lips, just to make things somewhat even. (There was an inaudible sigh of relief when Bruce didn't wake up)

"That is the closest to a threesome with Bruce Wayne I will ever get." Lois joked, making Clark choke.

Oliver Queen went to wash his mouth right after giving the kiss. Dinah made a show of it to make Oliver jealous. The two of them took off immediately afterwards.

Hal Jordan was ready to run as soon as he did the deed.

Barry politely declined and the kids didn't push him. Because it is obvious that he and Bruce just hold respect towards each other. Same with Martian Manhunter and Aquaman.

John Constantine laughed in their faces when he heard their request. Once he realised they weren't joking, he still did it anyways and afterwards dropped an innuendo that implied that he had kissed Batman before and maybe something even more. Stole another kiss and promptly got out of Gotham before Damian had time to grab his sword.

They got the Riddler who was confused (or riddled, excuse my terrible pun) the entire time because minding his own business, got kidnapped by the Bat brats in daylight, found himself in the infamous Batcave and told to kiss Batman. He quickly did what he was told and then asked to be taken back right away so he can forgot what just happened.

The Bats voted on whether they should get Joker before they all unanimously agreed to never bring that idea again.

So the Batkids tried everything to find Batman's / Bruce's true love.

But guess what woke him up in the end? The answer was them all along. (Not Batcest. Batcest shippers DNI.)

You know that scene in Maleficent where she kisses Aurora on the forehead and she wakes up. Exactly like that.

The kids having done everything they could. Have to come to the conclusion that Bruce was as good as dead. One of the boys, maybe Dick or Jason, says goodbye and one of the others give Bruce a kiss on the forehead.

Cass started it and Dick does it too. Damian in a moment of weakness, does the same. One by one, the kids kissed Bruce of the forehead as a sign of goodbye. (You know Steph and Jason does it out of sibling peer pressure.) They all gathered to say, "Bruce, we love you."

Then, the motherfucker had the nerve to finally open his eyes in that moment to see his kids crying around him.

Bruce loves his kids. ❤️