#but the farther away we get from THIS

[gardenerian]

thoughts on ian’s face in the “sorry im late” scene in 5x8 (i think it’s 5x8)

my thoughts are that i am going to start crying and never stop. my additional thoughts are:

so he's in bed, right? he's been trying mickey all day, meanwhile mickey has been going through his own process at home. but ian is thinking that he might have finally pushed mickey away for good - or scared him away. so he's in bed, eyes shut - probably not sleeping, but just laying there. shutting out the rest of the day. he hears someone behind him and his eyes kinda open. it's when he hears mickey though that his breathing picks up and we go from this:

to this:

like it's so slight, but like. the little flutters and the way his eyes start to move 😭 there's life left there. i feel like...... in moments like this, it sometimes feels like you might just lay there until you're dust. it's all over. the life you knew, the life you wanted. and yet - here he is again. and i think ian is genuinely surprised. this is where is starts being surprising to ian that he could be someone to come back for.

anyways. he turns around as fast as his medicated body will let him. we don't see his face when he first sees mickey, but we see it when he says "sorry i'm late." and it reminds me of the scene in 4x11 where mickey says "what you and i have makes me free." like it makes me insane. in both of these moments, his face just drops into something so young and so vulnerable.

like???? he's a little boy! and here is someone standing in front of him - someone he he has ALWAYS WANTED to stand in front of him - promising to be there. that he knows ian needed him. that he's here now for whatever might happen. reality is so warped these days but here he is.

and you see it land??? you see ian exhale and settle in a way he probably hasn't in a while. things are not okay. they're not okay!!! and they won't be for a while. but in this little moment together in this room where he grew up, he can breathe out the grief. he can share it.

mickey moves to get in bed and ian just makes room, like he always has. but he never blinks. doesn't dare take his eyes off of mickey. it's like he's scared mickey might change his mind, or dissolve right in front of him. is he even really there?

and there's another layer of disbelief here. another layer of grief. mickey milkovich is crawling back into his bed to hold him, and it's like this. it happened like this. everything he's done and suffered and been made to face comes down all at once. he's tired, he's scared. he's sorry. mickey has finally seen the worst of him.

he looks away, and mickey chases after him. i think it's important to mickey here that he lets ian feel him. something about that tactile, grounding comfort. and mickey won't look away either, it's too precious. ian's safe, even if nothing is the same.

and it's here, in these quivering lips and drawn eyebrows...... this is the release. his body and his mind have been through a lot in the last few days. it's as close to cathartic as ian really gets for a while. it's not long before the walls go back up and he's angry. but right now, he brings his hand to hold mickey's wrist, and he lets himself be held.

now.... this face:

this face fucking haunts me. i cannot name this face. what is he seeing here? i imagine it's so hard to see past this moment, into a future he can't name. it's like he's simultaneously feeling mickey there and also completely isolated. i can't explain this face. can anyone else explain this face???

either way, he closes his eyes against it. and you can assume that rest is coming.

with mickey keeping watch.

[brownfrogs]

cucked by cupid

[tartagliove]

sigh. as much as i love my family i can't wait to move out and get my own place

[voidimp]

well if anyone needs some Good News someone found my cat who has been missing for over a month so she is finally back home

[suddenrundown]

god leverage was good

[genekies]

tag vent

[itspileofgoodthings]

.

[sysig]

Just take things at your own pace, there’s no need to rush (Patreon)

[rival-the-rose]

Have to document every time I see a new, good doctor I think - saw the neurologist today and he was everything I could've hoped for. Read my whole history going back 5 years, very professionally hinted that my previous neurologist was full of shit (he was but I didn't realize that was evident from just the notes), listened to my concerns and changed+added to his plan based on what I said, and laid out a diagnostic trail that explicitly ended in Mayo clinic if he isn't able to find answers. He took five minutes aside just to tell me that he's not happy with bucket diagnoses or jumping to psychosomatic explanations (roasting my previous neurologist who in his opinion missed a viral meningitis diagnosis in favor of psychogenic seizures). I think he's a little bit more into diagnostics than I am - I don't usually go for diagnostics unless they're going to change the treatment plan, but also at this point I think a firm diagnosis would be nice for planning and prognosis even if day to day management doesn't change.

It's also taking a minute to adjust. I was living my life with the assumption that at any time, without really realizing it, I could pass a threshold of stress that would cause me to seize until I couldn't talk or walk again. Bc I didn't think I was exceptionally stressed at the time, so obviously my threshold was fairly low and I wouldn't notice before it was too late. Having a different doctor review the results and tell me (without me bringing it up) that I likely had viral meningitis instead...idk. it just paints a very different clinical picture. Does make me wonder what's up with the occasional feelings I've gotten that I've categorized as pre-ictal (bc it feels the same as when i had those seizures). Probably won't change my response (cease stressful activity and take gabapentin or lorazepam) but interesting nonetheless.

[cultivating-wildflowers]

I have never met a cat who could throw a silent tantrum as efficiently as this monster

[runawayfuture]

i miss my family so much

[asterlark]

nothing like an outdoor concert attended by a lot of cute gay people to make me feel like maybe life is actually beautiful and worth living

[hitherrocket]

My bed has been stolen because it’s half of a set that combines into a king sized bed. Since my grandparents are visiting they get the king sized bed. I now have a mattress on the floor. The only change from before is that I had a box spring thing under my mattress. I still don’t have a bed frame. I don’t mind sleeping on the floor. I like to either be high up off the floor or on the floor. I don’t like bed frames. They’re annoying and squeaky.

[thicc-astronaut]

just saw a flock of like a hundred sandhill cranes convene above my house and then split off into V shapes and start flying south. Effervescent

[lovinggreeniehours]

screaming my head off WHY DO THEY ALWAYS GO TO MANILA 🤡

[jinkiesmariz]

Have less than a month till i turn 20 i think im gonna die like what the hell