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#but its so exhausting keeping it up
piercing-craft · 2 days
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bigfatbreak · 5 months
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Birds of a Feather previous / next
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#my art#feralnette au#birds of a feather#long tags#sorry I went apeshit in the tags#LETS SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW#I - M - A - G - OOOOOOOOO#its fun drawing marinette's back to Alya and having her appear stout and unstoppable and totally logical#and then you see her face and she's like two seconds from completely snapping and is keeping it together by a thread#as a note just because mari feels very certainly abt smth doesnt mean she's right. feelings can be valid and also irrational#in the throes of grief she decided it was better to be alone than to lose someone again so she started pulling away#and lila made pulling away very very very easy to do#shes also vaguely aware she's being unfair in pinning this on alya which is why she started spinning the drain on cockmoth again#legitimately all the shit that's happened to her wouldn't have been so catastrophic if he was never in the picture and she knows it#but the bitterness of her bestie choosing a fantastic liar over her at the worst of times stiiiiiings#alya's personal timing was bad but lila really took advantage of the fact that marinette had been acting off and weird#she basically clocked marinette as being unstable from SOMETHING and made up a lie about her#knowing she wouldn't have the strength to defend herself#between her social life going tachy bc of lila and losing fu in a way that felt like personhood death marinette was really put on the spot#and alya doing her thing of busting in there and assuming her bias is correct was a terrible combo#essentially marinette is highly unstable and alya is just realizing that#busting in and giving her a lecture when she's slightly hysterical and definitely delirious from exhaustion is NOT the way#to show her she's self sabotaging#cuz thats just gonna make her double down on self sabotaging. bc marinette will not accept that she is also a CHIIIIILD
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the artblock be hitteth Harder than normal, for tis not normal artblock. woe. Wally be upon ye
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I wonder what the kids and teachers in luz's school think of her now. Shes stopped "terrorizing" other kids, mainly because she seems to have stopped engaging with most of her classmates period. She no longer brings live animals or taxidermy to school. She even participates in english class occasionally, even if she doesnt "get" the point of the book. Her rants only clock as suicidal if you know about her time in the boiling isles which the people at her school do not.
I wonder if luz's teachers and schoolmates think that luz mellowed out over the summer. If the principal/counselor that suggested she go to the camp patted himself on the back because shes "improved."
#the owl house#toh#shut up pandora#luz noceda#something something people see a neurodivergent kid having depression and breathe a sigh of relief bc now theyre finally 'normal'#people speculate maybe luz would have been fine going to the summer camp and while i agree she would have made friends#she would not have been fine! she would have just learned to suppress her identity like camila did#but going to the boiling isles was her only option bc she either gets suppressed quickly at the summer camp#or she keeps acting out at school and eventually society wears her down and shames her into conforming like it did to her mom#something about how even if the camp helps luz act like a 'normal person' she still would have been miserable bc she couldnt be herself#it temporarily benefits her by giving her friends and benefits ppl around her by making her act 'normal'#but the kids there are still weird at heart! they have a community to be weird around now but society at large will still look down on them#unless they put on a front all the time to fit in#and the boiling isles isnt perfect either its society still looks down on luz for being different#but it accepts her neurodivergence and her new friends are all neurodivergent like her so she still has a community to be herself around#and while it looks down on her for having no natural magic it isnt something shes been shamed about growing up like her neurodivergence was#anyway the camp wasnt as catastrophic as luz thought it would be and vee benefitted from it#but it still represented a slow rot. the kind that eats away at neurodivergent kids as they grow up#slowly shaming them to hide away parts of themselves deemed unfit for society#and when you hide behind a front and are exhausted and miserable from it#everyone applauds you for your 'recovery.' youve improved yourself. they never liked the old you#good job on destroying yourself and shoving the pieces into a facsimile of what the people around you think you ought to be
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puppyeared · 9 months
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i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand
#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona#its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around#one thing like apples or even broad stuff like baking or cottagecore.. idk if its partly for flexibility or because i cant imagine them#making it their whole personality. not bc i find it cringe or overblown but more like ive learned to associate design with character depth#i had a cutesy uwu persona for most of highschool because i thought it would make me more. likeable? easy to remember? since#memorable character designs are easy to recognize. and one way of doing that is simplifying it with a theme or symbol so you form an#association. but since im a real person its exhausting keeping up that appearance all the time and denying myself things when they dont#fit my 'aesthetic' or 'theme.' i think ive grown past that bc i just collect stuff because i think it looks cool and dont let myself dwell#on how it might 'fit' with my image. but i cant help feeling bad doing it to my own characters bc it feels like im making them too one#dimensional. despite knowing that theyre not real and design alone doesnt reflect depth i cant help feeling like its wrong#despite that i love seeing motifs because it feels like it reflects the characters soul and paradoxically gives them depth. it makes them#interesting to look at too and honestly its pretty fun combining things that fall under a similar category when designing#i struggle find a balance between those two things#actually this reminds me of noelles christmas theme.. i dont remember her saying anything abt liking christmas despite a lot of#her design and character tying back to it. it makes me wonder if she would have feelings about that or doesnt think abt it too hard#or if its like a matching family shirts situation and shes just going along with it??#maybe i should just do whatever i want with my character designs since theyre not real and im thinking abt it too hard#although. this probably has something to do with deep seated identity issues huh#yapping#oc talk#oc
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quietwingsinthesky · 8 months
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thinks about the master & the doctor cuddling thinks about them cuddling thinks about them cuddling thinks about them cuddlign thinks-
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bitchthefuck1 · 3 months
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you know what, I actually will talk about this because it's bothering me. The issue with focussing so heavily on syd and carmy's potential for a romantic relationship isn't that there's something inherently unintellectual about romance or whatever, it's that a lot of people seem incapable of doing that without immediately flattening the story and ignoring or intentionally misreading any and all nuance for the sake of that romance. Every scene suddenly becomes about how it impacts their relationship, every analysis is done through a romantic lens, every frame or line of dialogue becomes about finding some easter egg or hint that "proves" these people should start dating. Their dynamic is absolutely a fundamental part of this show, but if you can only see it as a will-they-won't-they, you miss so much of what the story is actually trying to say with these two.
There are good versions of this story where their relationship is romantic and there are good versions of this story where it isn't, but as soon as you decide them being together is "the point," you lose the ability to actually judge the story for what it is, not what you want it to be.
#like so much of their dynamic (esp but not exclusively in S3) has been about showing the ways that carmy's trauma and dysfunctional#attitude in the kitchen impacts other people and how even though he cares about syd and wants their partnership to work he keeps self#sabotaging and setting himself and by extension her and the restaurant up to fail and replicating the same toxic environments that#he grew up and trained in and this is very much consistent with his character and a natural continuation of the conflicts they've been#having since S1 but because him being shitty with her runs contrary to them getting together suddenly its 'ruining the story' and#out of character and only happening bc the writers just hate to see this ship winning and like. if you really think that i genuinely don't#know what show you've been watching bc it sure as shit wasn't this one. like it hurts to see him do this because you know#they could do something genuinely great together and that he's ruining a really good thing but this is also the reality of where he is rn#if he was just a good and supporting business partner and not deeply dysfunctional it would be wildly out of character#the problem w S3 wasn't that it 'ruined' their relationship it's that it had no clear focus overemphasized carmy's arc at the expense#of the other leads deprioritized the supporting cast while failing to give them their own arcs gave more screen time to#unecessary and uninteresting new 'comic relief' characters and let conflicts stagnate without resolving them or#letting them evolve over the course of the season.#this isn't exclusive to the bear this is a general trend ive noticed where as soon as the 'shipper' part of people's brains get activated#it's like they lose the ability to read the story any other way and it stops being about what's good for the narrative and starts being#about whether or not these two people kiss and anything that gets in the way of that is bad and anything that brings it closer is good#and it's usually whatever but it's really frustrating when the story ppl are doing that to is this good#it also makes people fundamentally incapable of treating any 'obstacle' to that romance in a way that isn't wildly meanspirited and#gross (esp bc those characters are usually women) which is exhausting. like no claire isn't evil or a 'pick me' or 'bad' for carmy#or a useless addition to the story or whatever other nonsense you guys have decided must be true to feel okay. she's a perfectly normal#character and their relationship is exploring some of the ways that carmy's inability to deal with or actually address his trauma#impacts the various relationships in his life. she doesn't even have to be a monster or a narrative mistake for him and syd to be#'destined' for each other or whatever. this isn't a middle school wattpad fic.#im definitely gonna get killed in the street for this but ive been looking for a good reason to spend less time on here so might as well#the bear#sydcarmy#sydney adamu#carmy berzatto
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s0fter-sin · 3 months
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is there any actual catharsis in the boys or is it all just suffering and scrambling for a crumb of relief
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20001541 · 6 months
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I'm interested to know your opinion about this https://www.tumblr.com/sad-outsider/745487303531692032/while-everyone-is-wondering-how-two-babies-could?source=share
it is an interesting question, how did AFO become such a skilled manipulator if he grew up feral on the streets? here's my thoughts:
so I don't think from the beginning AFO was all that interested in other humans. we're told that those who didn't give him anything he viewed with distrust and disdain, and the two times we see him coming across some people as a child it's just him killing them. maybe he watched them warily when they passed by, but ultimately he didn't engage with any of them to talk directly (as far as we know). BUT it's been pointed out by others that they had a radio with them as is shown with the circle below
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well it does looks like a radio to me and it would make sense that was one of their connections to the outside world (though they wouldn't understand a lot of what was being talked about) and to me it makes sense if a radio was later how afo found out about what the glowing baby was up to. so he was at the very least a little interested in hearing what the others were doing, perhaps to analyze any potential threats and maybe he was a tiny bit curious deep down about the society that rejects them, but evidently AFO wasn't interested in trying to make direct contact with them or try to involve himself in their society and none of them bothered with him either.
that is until he read that one comic book. see the thing afo admired about the villain was how people feared and revered him and so he decided he wanted that for himself. after a lifetime of being ignored by people who passed by him on the street he wanted to become something they feared so they'll follow him and never have their eyes off him. and in order to become that he needed power. he already has an extremely powerful quirk, but he needs to obtain loyal followers to help him enact his will of becoming the ultimate evil who rules over everything. I'm sure AFO realized that in order to make his dream become a reality he was going to need to use other people and I think that's when he decided to begin studying the way other humans act to get a better sense in how to get them to do what he wants.
and I would say he did this by studying various media he came across at first. whether it's looking through books or magazines (remember twins were barely learning how to read when they were small and by the time afo declares his dream they look more like teenagers so I think afo was able to read better by this time), and later maybe he found tvs where he can watch shows that were airing and see the news. so through that he studied the culture, what is deemed acceptable and unacceptable, how to present himself in a way to get others to respect him. overall he would be far more interested in the world that he had no interest in before as he sees there are things he could take for himself there and get people to give him things. I also think after he's done going through media he would've stalked some people to see how they live and act, there are some things you can't learn through media so afo would want to learn more through observing those he comes across.
I like to headcanon that he would see one person passing him by on the street then stalk them for the whole day until they fell asleep. then the next day he would choose a different person who passes by him and stalks them for the rest of the day and does that until he feels like he's learned enough. then later on he would engage in small talk with people he sees to get a better feel of interacting with others and see what they respond well to and what they don't. the more he learns about the nature of people the more he learns how to use their emotions against them and predict their reactions to certain actions.
side note I would also like to point out that afo presents himself more masculine and wears business professional attire all the time. this is important to note because afo grew up without gender socialization, which tells me he saw how business men are typically seen by society as people to be respected and hardworking. so he chooses presents himself as someone who gives off the vibe that he's someone powerful and should be taken seriously by wearing the suit and tie. trying to manipulate people isn't just something you do with words, but also with the way you present yourself to others. you want to carefully craft an image of yourself that makes others view you as what you want them to view you as so you can gain their trust easier which is what I think afo did there.
I think once he feels confident enough though he would begin practicing his manipulation skills on others.
now look here:
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afo intervenes with these group of people fighting in the streets and brings peace. I feel like he would do this often, bring order among the chaos he comes across and presents a choice. "if you feel powerless and scared then join me and I'll give you everything you want and more, or don't and remain as you are. all I really want to do is help you out :)"and many did choose to join! look at all those people around afo, those are probably all the people who chose to follow him.
I think afo would've seen how badly metas were treated by society and saw how desperate people were for order and someone to turn to. people can be manipulated more easily if they're scared and looking for anyone to help them, and afo would've seen this as a great way to begin building his empire by preying on the desperate. he crafted this image of himself that not only embodies power but also generosity. he took quirks away from the unworthy and gave them to those who wanted power. makes people think things like look how good he is to those who please him! he presented himself as a savior to the people, and manipulated them by taking advantage of their own vulnerability.
all he really had to do was lend a sympathetic ear and show them hey I was an outcast like you to appear relatable and demonstrate the power he had to those are were scared and felt like they couldn't protect themselves. they saw him as a personal savior who seemed to genuinely care about their plights. of course afo doesn't care about the plights of his fellow meta humans, he just wants to use them for his own purposes then tosses them out once he's done (as yoichi points out). but he seemed so genuine in his words that many fell for it which allowed him to manipulate them further. and so many became so entranced by him that they began to attack his enemies in his name without him ordering them to do so.
of course I don't think afo was always a successful manipulator in the beginning, maybe there was a social custom he overlooked and it made him look bad in someones eyes. maybe he said the wrong thing and it made someone distrust him more. there would be a lot of trial and error on his part when trying to learn to manipulate, but as he interacts with people more and learns from his past mistakes he would get much better until he becomes the excellent manipulator he is today.
and to me afo would have multiple personas he puts on when interacting with different people. two people could meet him but comes out with very different impressions about who he is as a person. he hides his true nature (which is said to feel unsettling to be around) so they would trust him more. I think he would enjoy this game really, stringing people along and making them feel he cares so they can give him what he wants. as I said before no one gave him anything as a child so he feels he has to take it for himself, and manipulation would be one of those tools he uses to get what he wants so he would take time to develop that skill through the things I've said before.
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I think people who write de-aging kid fics about DC characters are great because it's all like "oh my god! Through totally random and unpreventable circumstances X character has been hit with magic/sci-fi bs and is now an adorable lil guy who needs the love and support of family and friends!" And that's 100% my kryptonite. I love it.
I do think people are sleeping on speedster controlled aging though.
I would kill for a fic where Kon gets deaged to five and Bart just shrugs and deages to five as well because it looks like fun. Then the two of em get into shenanigans and enjoy the childhood they never had.
Or if Hal gets turned into a child and Barry joins him so that Hal has company. And the two of em get to interact as kids and just have fun for once in their lives.
Or if Dick gets hit with a magic spell and shrinks back down to nine and Wally's like "Oh god, we were terrible as kids! I don't want to get stuck babysitting him..... 💡! I CAN'T GET STUCK BABYSITTING IF I'M ALSO A CHILD!!" And then it's just gremlin Dick and Wally running around together being the absolute worst.
I just think their selective aging thing is nifty and the fact that they can manually switch their ages is a fantastic plot device that rarely gets used.
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pkmoth · 8 days
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having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself
#what if you felt unbearable guilt because your brother went missing in the two seconds you were separated#and you feel like there mustve been Something you couldve done to prevent it#if only you had stuck together. if only you hadnt let him tag along on your basically-a-suicide-mission in the first place#but none of those things happened so you go through three years blaming yourself#continuing to search for him because maybe hes still out there. and maybe exhausting yourself on an aimless search is a way you can atone#and then you're pulled into this big destiny adventure so your searching is put on the back burner#you're so busy doing important things and meeting new friends and there are points in your adventure where your heart feels lighter#and maybe you open up just a little about the crushing guilt you feel. and your new friends say it wasnt your fault#maybe you start accepting that your brother is really gone but you have to keep living your life#saving your brother was a far out dream but saving the world is something you have the power to do#so you try your best. so you dont fuck up this time#your guilt becomes the fuel keeping you going#and then at the end of your journey#you find out one of the biggest obstacles on your journey#the human chimera that you felt kinda horrified at and a little bad for even as you fought them#is your brother you've been mourning and agonizing over not being able to save#so um. The Guilt is even worse now#now he doesnt just feel responsible for his death. he Now feels responsible for him becoming this Creature Thing under porkys control#and in a lucas dies scenario. hoogh i cant imagine how claus would feel after that.......#however the thing that spurred this post was thinking about the lucas lives postgame scenario (it just got a bit out of hand lol) so.#your brother is alive and back home again and youre so unbelievably glad#but the guilt still creeps up every time you see how much hes Changed. physically and mentally#you had just started to accept the fact youd have to live without your brother but somehow having him back is almost just as painful#things cant just go back to how they were before. youll never be the exact same happy family as you used to be#its strange adjusting to having lucas back and its strange trying not to step on each others toes with their trauma#you cant help but be clingy because you couldnt bear it if he disappeared again under your watch#but nobody wants to be watched all the time especially when youre recovering from your brainwashed identity as an army commander#FUCK I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT I WANTED TO RAMBLE MORE AUGH. THEY MAKE ME SO ILL. i swear its not all angst theres some lightheartedness in it#mother 3 swap au#mothfics
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chiimeramanticore · 5 days
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#im not dead quit asking#I'm just really really really not doing well#sorry if i scared anyone. that wasnt my intent#things got. let's say worse. for me irl. more complicated for sure#i hate to publicize my breakdown I really do. but maybe i... need this? in a weird way?#i haven't really been adjusting well to having a platform online. that's not anyone's fault but mine ofc#i feel that my 'fans' (if ive earned the right to call them that) dont and frankly cant ever care for me as a person#i dont know you and you dont know me. you dont know all of me at least. just what i make public. what i allow others to see#i had it kinda bullied into me that i need to keep my mouth shut abt my own issues. and ive spent a lot of this year trying to unlearn that#maybe publicizing this is a bad idea anyway#I just know ive been more honest abt my emotions and my personal life with my friends and my partner#and not everyone enjoys it but i know I'm not like. traumadumping so i feel somewhat assured that anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt my life-#-probably wasnt all that interested in forming a close relationship w me to begin with. even if theyre friendly at first#everyone else; the people who I know care about me; have shown me that through their actions#my point is being honest abt how youre doing w other ppl is a good idea. revolutionary i know lol#and i still don't know a lot of you personally but#parasocial or not i got some very genuine sounding messages while I was gone. and i. feel really bad that i worried those people#I guess theres my proof that people would care if i disappeared suddenly. people would notice pretty quick it seems#im never gonna kms btw. even if i didnt have the support i have im simply too stubborn to die lol. to put it lightly#and to those who thought this was abt fandom drama: it's not. those who shall not be named are genuinely the least of my problems these days#I'm on a journey of self actualization. or something. im trying to get my shit together. im trying to stop being clinically depressed lol#but god keeps throwing wrenches in my plans and. i beat myself up about it too much#but that's just life. they say you make a plan and god laughs#im. trying to be okay with just riding the wave. im impatient but if i keep trying to somehow speed up time im just gonna exhaust myself#which I think is where im at now. burnt out#and on top of all that i still feel this need to like. perform for you guys#if i dont keep making content everyone will forget i exist. if i dont make another video essay this year can i even call myself a youtuber#etc etc. its the spiral its impostor syndrome we've all been there#im trying to end this on a positive note but idk. i dont have all the answers yet#hoping i figure it out soon. i hope you dont forget me in the meantime
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knightelf · 24 days
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maybe i do need to go to therapy bc its probably not good that ive been living on autopilot and the last 7 years went by so fast but also bc i was deliberatly Wanting the time to go by to put as much space between me and the events of 2017-2020 as possible all while somewhat knowing my young adulthood was slipping me by and now both my teenage years and my early 20s are gone and i still feel like my 19th birthday was yesterday yeesh!!
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#i do feel like im out of time completely and its kind of.making me insane bc its not fair lol#life could be worse! but it couldve been a lot better too#like on one hand i think i had a normal reaction to exceptionally traumatic shit happening to me with no support system.#and everything that happened was caused by shit out of my control and i Know that bc i spent my teen years specifically working hard to Be#in control#like i did make the choice to give up sure. but that was when absolutely every effort had been exhausted#and theres only so much a human being can take especially when i was so young#but on the other hand!! even when i found a support system and things are better now than they were#i still feel like im trapped perpetually in this Waiting period#waiting for life to begin Waiting for an OPPORTUNITY to make my life begin already#and no effort on my part yields anything so i have no choice but to WAIT#but im TIRED. of waiting#im sick of seeing videos of people way younger than me making art ive always dreamed id have made by now#theres also this invisable wall i have always had built around me that is Impenetrable and i keep hitting it#and its gotta be me but it really feels like the universe has some unseeable chains on me which aounds so stupid#but im not allowed to get passed it#im way past the point of even being capable of showing the agony it causes me now like its just a dull joke#ANYWAY the fact ive typed all this makes me think ok. yeah maybe it is time to talk to someone LOL#carry on im fine this happens to me all the time. helps to get it written out at least
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irrigos · 8 months
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bad news: im at it again
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roses-and-elixir · 15 days
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softshuji · 9 months
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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh
#i just find it like so unfair yknow#im the only one who works in myhouse and full time#but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put#my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but#i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger#its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad#and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility#and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough#and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother#said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i “chose” this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9#and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time#constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers#and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either#its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they#cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl#thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on#im just tired and upset#its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing#im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf#oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this#and yk what#thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is#i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return#or if not#theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them#i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me#its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me
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