#sorry if i scared anyone. that wasnt my intent

[chiimeramanticore]

[uniformbravo]

it's nanowrimo & i havent touched my wip since last year so im gonna reread it all rn to jog my memory lets goooo

-

"And so, class, as you can see, blah blah blah…"

Silan wasn't listening, so neither should you have to.

i didn't know how to start it skjfdkngkf

-

goes on for several paragraphs about why he wasnt paying attention, making up a bunch of bullshit about him being sooooo sleeby bc he watched a horror movie last night & then couldn't sleep, fascinating stuff

-

So no, he wasn't listening to the lesson going on at the front of the room, nor was he prepared in the very least to be called on suddenly.

"Silan, what's your answer to number fifteen?"

Like a bucket of ice water was sitting upright on the ground beside him instead of upturned over his head, Silan's brain fog persisted as he struggled to catch up with the moment.

ok fine the ice bucket line is kinda funny im here to subvert ur expectations not unlike a mime thats allowed to say fuck

-

"Y equals seven…?" he guessed, understanding completely as he said it that it definitely would have been better to just say "I don't know," or "Could you repeat that?" or even "Sorry, I didn't sleep well because I watched a horror movie before bed and was too scared to fall asleep for hours and now I can't focus because I'm so tired, so I honestly have no idea what's going on right now."

As it was, his actual answer garnered a few laughs scattered around the room, from people who'd given Silan way too much credit and assumed it was a very intentional joke. He couldn't look his teacher in the eye, that knowing gaze piercing right through him as if to say, "You may have fooled them, but not me. I know that was a real attempt at an answer, and I am disappointed in you on multiple levels. I'll see you in my office and also you have detention forever."

What he actually said was, "Mr. Scott, this is a Biology class."

CHRIST i take it back im a comedic genius

-

Chris is A Dude in Silan's class, but he's so much more than that; sports ball player man, wearer of varsity jackets and knee-length shorts of all varieties, copier of his friends' homework whenever one of them has actually done it on time… He truly is just Some Guy, but to Silan? He is The Guy.

WHAT are u fuckin TALKING ABOUT HELLO

-

If Silan himself were to be the one to describe Chris, that paragraph would have probably gone a lot more like: Chris is on the baseball team, so he's fairly muscular; he has a sharp, square jaw and dark brown hair that's not quite long enough to submit to gravity just yet, so it sticks up and looks just sooo fluffy and soft (do you think he lets anyone touch it?). He's never actually grown a beard but he does have stubble across his chin and jaw that suits him extremely well. His eyes are brown and his skin is a natural tan and it all suits him perfectly and he's hot okay. He's hot.

Silan is gay.

and he is being sooo normal about chris

-

They'd only ever spoken a total of two times; once when Chris had gotten the rows confused on a day he'd seemed particularly groggy (this class ran from 10:45 to 12:15 and was the one right before lunch, though, so it was beyond Silan what exactly had put him in such a state) ((I'm the author though, so I know exactly what it was, and it's that he'd been out nearly all night with his friends to the subsequent dismay and rage of his parents, and his request to stay home from school the next day was vehemently denied)),

this is fucking unhinged. publish me right now

-

That had been just a few weeks ago; the other time was last year (junior year, or 11th grade, or year 3 out of 4 of high school, whatever makes the most sense to those unacquainted with the American school system) in April and I will tell you more about it later.

FUCKING HELLO

-

It was the urge to doodle their initials in a heart together in the margins of his notebook like… like some kind of lovesick middle schooler (not that. He'd ever done that. In middle school,).

silan would never

-

The combination made him want to launch himself directly out the window, had one existed (the only windows were over by the door, which Silan sat pretty much across the room from).

He was kinda fucked.

tfw u cant throw urself out the window bc of ur school's evil fucked up floor plan

-

Rhoden, while still fairly small for his age, definitely isn't the same kid Silan met back then. There's a maturity to his jaw, his brow, that he's really come into since, and his voice has deepened considerably; anyone who might still initially mistake him for a much younger boy would be instantly enlightened the second he opened his mouth. And then they'd have to figure out how to politely decline a spontaneous interview proposal from a guy they'd thought was twelve two seconds ago.

when u get within a certain radius of him a giant health bar appears at the top of the screen & boss music starts playing

-

Today, though, was a photography day.

They were always Silan's favorites. He did enjoy his other tasks, in general, but none of them were as fun or freeing as photography.

It made him look at the world around him differently. Taking such a wide expanse of possibility and narrowing it down to that one perfect shot; knowing where to look and how to find potential. It was capturing a moment, but not just that; it was turning a moment, even the smallest, mundanest occurrence, into something timeless- into something special.

(And, of course, there were other perks to the job, but we'll get to those later.)

i am 100% certain said "perks" are getting to Observe chris at baseball practice which is a very funny juxtaposition to the previous paragraph

"photography is a timeless art form, truly nothing as magical or poignant could ever exist.... also i get to look at hot boys cha-CHING"

-

"Silan," she called out now in lieu of a team name, since the work of a photographer was mostly individual.

"I'm, uh, shooting baseball practice today."

😏

-

A few short minutes later, Silan was signing off for the club's camera, which he needed permission for every time. This was one of Mrs. Springet's few roles as an advisor, to make sure the camera wasn't being stolen. It was a nice camera, to be fair.

Oh To Steal The Journalism Club's Nice Camera

-

While Chaulden High did have a football team, the undisputed star of the show was the baseball team; with a coach that led them to victory time and time again, it wasn't hard to see why.

As such, the New Moon always made sure to leave room for a section on the team, even going as far as establishing a series they ran every year called "Dug-Ins & Outs," in which various members of the team were interviewed.

ok still proud of that title TBH

-

Which meant Silan was often sent to obtain shots of the team, which was no problem. Less than no problem. He was pretty fine with it, actually. Perhaps even looked forward to it, some might say.

Because Silan was definitely interested in the team, as a whole, all twenty-six members. All of them, and not a single one more than the rest. He would never single a specific member out to accidentally focus 90% of his attention on. That would be ridiculous, and highly unprofessional of him. Perish the thought.

…

So uh. Chris is on the baseball team,

cups hands around mouth fucken NERD

-

The coach, Mr. Wendell, stood with a clipboard tucked under his arm by the dugout, clapping and calling out to members who were lagging behind in the group of joggers. He always made Silan nervous, if he were honest. He was something of a hardass, with high expectations for his team and a grueling training regimen he held them all to. He had a loud voice and a firm handshake, was broad shouldered and tall, and if Silan weren't so intimidated by him he might even find him [REDACTED].

OK ALRIGHT CALM DOWN THERE BUDDY

-

CRASH!

Just as he clicked the shutter the chain-link fence behind him exploded into sound and he jumped violently, sending all of the birds flying. Heart pounding, he sat up and turned around to figure out what the hell that was.

On the other side of the fence was one of the team members leaning down to scoop up the offending ball as the coach's voice echoed across the field, "Stop fucking around, Neely!"

fucking Neely

-

It took him a good five or six more minutes to calm down, sitting there in the grass and pretending to flip through photos on his camera. This time he made sure to face the fence to avoid a repeat scenario- because of course, Silan was known to have the reflexes of a tiger and wouldn't even flinch were another ball to come hurling at the fence.

jotting this down in my Extremely True Silan Facts notebook

-

He sat on the very top row and zoomed in on the players, scattered across the field. The fence still sat between him and the rest of them, reaching high for maximum audience-shielding ability, so he decided to see how many of the players' heads he could frame perfectly within the open links in a single shot.

His average came out to about four, mostly because it was basically impossible to keep track of any more than that at once, but he did manage to get one with six on accident, so that was pretty neat. It didn't help that they were all constantly moving around- Silan probably would have had more luck trying this with the birds.

He spent about another twenty minutes doing this, occasionally moving to other parts of the bleachers for different angles to see if they made any difference (they didn't; the lower he went the wider the holes got but also the closer together the player's heads became, so it balanced out), before the main event, as far as he was concerned, finally began: batting.

silan: boy oh boy i can't wait to take pictures of the baseball team!!!

also silan: does this bullshit

-

Everyone knew baseball players looked coolest and most iconic when at bat, and anyone who disagreed was simply wrong (second best was pitching, third was sliding). Silan's opinion on this was in no way swayed by visuals of Chris that may or may not have been burned into his memory.

Evidence:

[three pictures of a batter, a pitcher, and a sliding athlete respectively side-by-side, the batter obviously being the coolest most hyped up one with dynamic lighting and stuff, whereas the pitcher and the slider are intentionally lame, like cheap-looking clip art or pictures where they're making really ugly faces]

im gonna lose my fuckin shit (no theres no actual pictures this was just a place holder for when i eventually found & inserted them which i was absolutely planning on doing)

-

He stayed on the other side of the fence, lest a stray ball hit him (or worse, the camera)

TRU

-

He was tall (he had several inches on Silan and a good few on Chris), and he was slender and lean and really quite handsome in general. His thick, curly black hair was neatly shaved close to his head and the corners of his jaw were pleasantly pronounced.

Not that Silan could see any of that from this distance, especially with the helmet obscuring most of it. But as a member of the newspaper club these were things he had to know. For professional reasons.

i believe him

-

He should have been adjusting his position to line up the perfect shot, but it was hard not to watch as Chris rose up on one foot, twisting his torso with his arms raised and clutching the ball- then sprung into action by slamming his foot back down into the dirt and following the momentum with his upper body, arm arcing into a powerful throw. A split second after Silan saw the ball hit the backboard he heard the noise, a loud, solid smack!

God. God.

SCREAMS ALRIGHT SILAN CALM DOWN FKFSKGNKSDJFKD

-

"Make sure you're getting my good side, yeah?" He joked, grinning and striking a stupid pose.

silan watching chris: beautiful. flawless. show stopping. groundbreaking. so so hot and sexy hehehauhaoehemeheuenana

silan watching lucas: clown ass motherfucker striking his goofy ass POSE what an idiot 000/10

-

"Yo," Devon greeted as he pulled himself to his feet, flashing his hand in a pseudo wave.

"H-hi," Silan answered haltingly, heart beating a little fast from the maneuver he'd just had to pull. Devon offered what Silan could only describe as a dashing grin before turning his attention back towards home.

hee hee hee hiiiiiii devonnnn *twirls hair* (silan impression)

-

They rarely talked but Devon had always come off as a nice guy with a friendly vibe. He'd certainly never referred to the newspaper club as Mooners- not that Silan had heard, anyway. Though it wouldn't be such a big deal if he did, since the nickname was pretty widespread at this point. But it was nice that he didn't.

Also, he really was quite handsome.

this would have been a very different story had silan gone for devon instead of chris, devon would NEVER pull the shit chris is about to pull in this story fksndkjfdkjg he doesn't even call them mooners 😭

(school newspaper is called the new moon so people call the club members new mooners, an extremely clever & funny joke that i came up with myself)

-

(ok context, silan was gonna take a pic of chris sliding (the team's doing this whole exercise where they alternate from pitching to hitting to sliding) but bc he was so focused on getting the shot he didn't realize the ball was headed right for him so chris collided w him trying to intercept it)

Silan turned around, seeing the coach standing with his arms crossed as Chris examined his elbow. He looked up when Silan moved.

"Thank Christ. That was stupid as hell, you both could've gotten way more hurt." He hadn't even checked if Silan had been injured. "Jumping over another guy like that. We're not a goddamn gymnastics routine."

"But I caught the ball," Chris grinned, holding it up and waggling it around. Silan immediately had to stop himself from asking if he could have it.

LMAO SILAN???????????? DOWN SO FUCKING BAD

-

As he walked off herding the team away, Chris stepped closer to Silan, instantly setting his heartbeat into overdrive, more than it already was.

"Your shoulder okay?" he asked with a gesture towards the shoulder in question, and Silan just about passed away on the spot.

when he checks if ur ok after he ran u the fuck over 😍😍😍

-

Then he looked to the left, in the direction Chris had tossed the ball just a minute ago, at the spot in the grass it had rolled to a stop.

The backboard of the catcher's box announced another missed swing, and Silan picked up the ball, examining it.

The object that had ruined his perfect shot. That had come careening directly towards Silan's head (or worse, the camera). That had resulted in the disastrous collision and subsequent injuries of Chris and Silan. That had wasted precious minutes of Coach Wendell's perfectly scheduled practice regimen.

He tucked it neatly away into his hoodie's front pocket and took a seat on the grass right where it had been.

STOLE THE FUCKING BASEBALL this is unhinged behavior and also exactly the kinda shit i would've pulled in high school 10/10

---

uhhhhhh that was chapter 1 and i feel i should perhaps stop here for now since this is getting like way longer than i thought it would lfksndlfmdkgj the whole thing is like. 30k ish words? i feel like i wrote about 3 or 4 chapters

i like. shoulda done this shit a few days ago so i could start writing again today (the 1st) but i was too busy drawing heehee uhhh whoopsieee >w<

its ok its fine this year i will make it to 50k easy peasy dont even worry abt it ;3 i will definitely not go back to drawing today that would be sooooooo silly and goofy of me hahaha :)

[pokeheros-drama]

After some deliberation I will go ahead and put into light a few reasons. I will not go into detail about certain things. This is both for my own sake, and because I respect Monarch’s privacy.

For background, I’m Lyney, obviously. I met Monarch/Shepherd over a year ago on a RP called Loosing it All. If you’ve been on the forums in the past year, you probably got annoyed by us being most active for literal months straight. I was one of the first to join, and Monarch joined later than I did, but considering she joined around page 70, on our 1k+ pages, she can be considered an OG. I forget why, like 100% I don’t know why, but somehow the joke was that we were married. One thing led to another, then BAM. We were dating.

First thing that I did wrong was agreeing to date her not as a joke. Im not good at relationships, and I thought that what I felt was romance.

For anyone, regardless of age on here, DO NOT do what I did. Online dating is never the best option. Here are the reasons, in hindsight, that should have cued me in before I snapped.

Personal information. If you ever find yourself in a situation when you are being pressured to reveal any sort of information, including name, state, town, et.c. DO NOT REVEAL. You cannot tell true intentions over the internet.

What happened was she knew what state I lived in. After some joking around in the group palpad and/or over discord call, she knew what town I lived in. I had talked about a place I volunteered at. I said how far away I lived from school timing wise. I talked about the classes I took. Through this information, she found out what school I went to. With this information, as well as a few one off photos I sent of my yard, she also was trying to find my home address.

2. Venting. Set boundaries for yourself. Do not let people treat you like a therapist.

I shouldn’t have to explain this more than I have to. She would go into my DMs regardless of the time to vent. Including during my class time. I always answered because I was scared of what she would do.

3. Clingy. If you have a friend who makes you feel like you must talk to them 24/7 or they’ll be upset, think of WHY that is.

I couldn’t take breaks without her asking if I was okay. If I wanted a day to relax and not do much, I would get DMs asking if I was okay because I wasnt as active. This is iffy in general, but bad combined with the next one.

4. Distant. You should not be the only person reaching out in any sort of relationship.

In the begining of LIA Monarch and I were practically inseparable, as we did like. EVERYTHING. Together. I was hook, line, and sucker. Later, we stopped talking as much. Or well, she did. For what felt like ages, most of our conversations were just “I love you”’s, “<3” or “kiss”, interspersed with TikTok’s I mostly sent. Even though we were “co owners” (AKA because of how close she was I let her be a co owner. But in all rights, the LIA series belongs to me, as the OG owner had passed on everything to ME.), I can safely say that I did not know about 90% of the plot line she wanted to use, despite me asking. I could also not post for upwards of 2 weeks without any sort of acknowledgement (despite one of our rules being if you’re inactive for a week without our knowledge we can ignore you basically)

5: self centered. This should be obvious. Dont have any sort of long term relationship if the person will ONLY focus on themselves.

This is a petty example, but whenever we did rp scenes, she’d always forget what we agreed to do, especially on our discord rps. We. Had it written down, but she’d always change key events.

Im too lazy to categorize so

Create an environment where I’ll get irrationally angry at the others in our group (Im really sorry again)

discussed marriage (we were both 17 at the time)

extremely different views on our future

made me believe if I ever broke up with her we would never be friends again

I left some things out. But thats a pretty… comprehensible list I think.

Before anyone comes at me, I did bring a lot of this upon myself by not following basic internet safety rules.

However, I am doing much better now. There was a weight lifted off of my shoulders

yeah um. Theres more but Imtired now and thats enough for yall

.

[introloves]

thank you to @starrydaisy for this delicious idea <3 (sorry if it isn’t that good ;-;)

— cw; sacrilege/sacrilegious acts + corruption + heavy mention of god + mentions of guilt

your whole life had revolved around scripture, faith, and god. it was a constant loop between those core elements, it hung over your head in every waking moment. parents, fellow church members, always reminding you that, ‘god almighty is always watching.’

you hoped he wasnt. you didnt want him to see you like this, being preyed on by everything that they had told you to stay away from.

in all honesty, you had tried so hard not to fall into temptation, you had just wanted to shoo the man presumably selling unsuspecting kids that filthy worldly poison, but it was difficult when tempation itself was towering over you, ruby red eyes- the same color represented in lust itself- sweeping your body.

“hm? and who are you?” he questioned, voice heavy and dark, he stepped forward and you shuffled back, hitting the back walls of the church.

he asked, but he already knew. you were just another sweet little church girl, he’d seen you devoutly attend church almost every day of the week, turned your nose up at him everytime you’d seen him. if only you knew just how many of the people you prayed next to came to him instead of dedicating their precious lives to god.

it was late, sun had long since set, everyone had gone home for the day and now it was just you and him.

“m-me? n-nobody.” you sputtered, heart spiking as he stepped even closer.

knees that had been sunken against the church floor in prayer now buckled with fear. the man took notice, smirking at the way he could see each tremble beneath your modest skirt.

your body pulsed, blood rushing from your heart to the tips of your fingers, a singular thought crossed your mind when he lifted an arm and trapped you agasint the wall that he was looking at you in a way no man ever did.

it was predatory, animalistic, textbook definition of the carnal sin you’d read about.

“i dont think thats true, bunny.” he responded, your eyes widened at the name.

it brought a sick feeling of guilt simmering in your stomach when you realized you were aroused, you closed your eyes when it hit you just how much you wanted him to call you that again.

“oh?” he made a noise of surprise, leaning in to watch your reaction. he could see your pulse in your neck, quick and scared.

“do you like that? bunny?”

it was confusing, you weren’t supposed to be enjoying this, when did the feeling of fear turn into arousal?

was it just because you had never been this close to a man?

was it because you had never felt the heat of a man like this and with an intention of lust that rolled off of him in waves, or the way you could feel him everywhere without even touching you?

he made you feel small, maybe that name was well deserved for a meek little thing like you.

he chuckled, reveling in the way he could hear your knees snap shut.

“oh how nice, i’ve gone and made a cute little christian girl soak her panties haven’t i?”

you had never heard words like that, not fully understanding what he meant, but you knew it was filthy and disgusting. you clamped your hands over your ears, heat prickling everywhere.

“ah- ah- ah, lets not go and act shy now.” you jumped at the way his hands grabbed yours, whimpering when he swooped down and pressed you back against the dirty wall.

the feeling of him touching you ignited the singular need to have even more- it was like you were seeing for the first time. you had become keenly away of the throb between your legs, like you had come alive, a second heart beat knocking heavily.

“lets see if i was right.” he murmured, choosing to drop your hands in favor of grabbing the front of your skirt with the biggest hands you have ever seen on anyone.

you let him, staying perfectly still while he bunched it higher and higher.

you could have said no, he had looked at you, giving you many outs- giving you opportunities to stop this, but you really were weak. anyone with more faith, more dedication to god would have stopped him, you thought, but you didnt. you wanted to feel more, wanted to see what he was offering.

just like the people he sold to, he had caught you in a trap of allure, wanting to see more, wanting to see what the man with ruby eyes and red hair had to give you.

you didn’t know what to say when he finally found your underwear, unfamiliar with the wetness there- embarrassed because for a moment you had thought you had wet yourself.

his finger slid easily against the slick, puffy lips spreading so easily for him.

oh he was going to enjoy this pussy.

“fuck.” he hissed. bringing the now soaking fingers right inbetween you and him. taking time to show you, show you what a filthy man like him was doing to you.

“w-what is- i-i’m sorry.” you all but cried, and god, the indirect declaration that you had never gotten wet sent tendou spiraling. head swimming, he was so hard.

he was just going to play with you a bit, scare you off and let him continue on his dealings, but he couldnt let you go now, it wasnt every day that a sweet girl like you walked right into his web.

instead of responding, he dove back in, fingers finding your clit with ease. wondering what reaction he was going to get from you because there was no way you’d ever touched yourself. it was all so exciting to him, dirtying up a clean slate.

“ah! o-oh! what a-are you doing.” it was all babbling, unable to come to grasp at the wonderful feeling.

you had begun rocking against him, tears freely falling down your face.

“i’m fingering you.” he simply responded his own voice heavy and raspy.

“please, please. god please.” you cried when he circled the hardened bud.

he stopped at that, and you whined.

“no.” he snapped, grabbing your hip, slipping that singular finger down to sink into your pussy.

“not god. tendou. say it. say my name.” he- tendou growled with clipped words.

you swallowed hard, there were no words to form the shame you felt, but it didn’t outweigh the need to chase... chase whatever high he was bringing you.

it was all too much, his one finger felt so foreign as it prodded your virgin walls but it felt like it belonged there and you wanted more.

“tendou, oh!” you panted unabashedly into the night, the rough walls of the church dug into your back, it hurt, but with rocking hips you bucked against his working hand.

you’d never thought you could make the noises you were making, never thought that a man could touch you like this. there was tightness curling in the pit of your stomach, clenching with every drag of his fingers against your pussy.

it made you heave, made your toes curl, and finally the searing pleasure he brought you reached its peak- and it snapped when he crooked that one long finger of his up, hitting something inside you that made you arch, thighs tremble with vigor while his name played like a sweet prayer against your mouth.

just like he thought, you were already cumming.

little virgin you clamped down on just one of his fingers, gripping him tight while the growing wetness trickled out in an oozing stream.

you’d figure this is why so many walked the path without god, while cumming, screaming out his name- uncaring with who would hear, eyes blown out, body shuddering, hips thrusting against his hold- you realized that the sin of just being from flesh and blood was all worth it.

a man was the one making you feel like this, tendou was the one who brought you to tears. he made you feel closer to any deity than the dutiful praying you had partaken in all your life.

he held you when your body finally relaxed, slumping against him, he- who smelled like weed and an earthy cologne was the one who held you as your body gave out.

he praised you, telling you how good you did while also inquiring your name, asking you were you lived so he could take you home, all the while licking his finger and hand clean of your cum.

without hesitation you told him, shaking while you gripped his shirt. hoping that he truly was real and that he wouldn’t leave you slumped against the old church wall.

and he didn’t, there was still so much more to show you. the thrill of taking this fallen from grace sweet innocent little thing under his wing was much too good.

he wasn’t going to let you go, he wanted to paint your cute face in his cum, wanted to split your virgin cunt open. you were his now.

he walked you home, laughing at you when you cried about the wetness between your legs, dripping down to your ankles.

tendou chatted with you like he didnt just defile you against the church walls, you thought about how wrong the depictions of the devil and temptations were in the bible.

you simply thought that sinning shouldn’t feel this good if it was bad for you.

you knew he looked at you like you belonged to him, looked at you like he wanted to devour you, the perfect mix of fear and excitement coursed through your body because you wanted him to.

you wanted to know just what he could make you feel. everything you had ever learned, all of the punishments you’d surely get either now or in the afterlife seemed bleak in comparison to the throbbing he brought your body.

[toomanyfandoms02]

Walkman -- Fred Weasley

Wow another one huh? Yea :)

Summary - Fred is suddenly interested in muggle studies so the reader teaches him some

Word Count - 1.9k

It wasn't often that other students at Hogwarts cared much about Muggle items. So when Fred had recently taken in interest in muggle studies, he had came to y/n about it.

"Its not that I know nothing, I know plenty from what my father goes on about. But I don't know, I want to learn more." She and Fred had been friends for a little over a year and he hadn't previously expressed any liking to the subject. So why now? Why not just sign up for Muggle Studies?

She didn't care enough to express it aloud.

See, Y/n had grown up as a muggle. Her mum had been a witch but both her and her father feared she wouldn't be a witch because she didn't show the normal signs at a young age. So they sent her to muggle school until she officially got her letter. No one could explain the relief and joy on her mum's face when she saw the letter in their box.

"When do you have time to learn?" She asked with a tilt of her head.

"Any time really. We could practically start now!" He replied excitedly. She shook her head with a smile.

"You're lucky it's a Saturday you git, I'll floo home and grab some stuff to teach you about." And with that she turned and walked away from the boy. For the first time in a while he was genuinly excited to learn something, maybe because his teacher would be someone he fancied. He thought maybe he hadn't felt like this since he discovered he could scare the trousers off his mum by hiding behind doors and jumping out at 6 years old.

And so he waited for her to get back.

While Fred waited at the castle, Y/n appeared suddenly in her homes fireplace. This earned quite the screech from her little brother who was sat on the couch.

And yes, was, he promptly fell off the couch once she appeared.

"Sorry Alastair, just came to grab a few things. Is dad home?" He nodded, pointing behind him to the kitchen where the smell of pancakes wafted through the house.

Not only was Y/n's dad a muggle, he was also American. He had moved from America when he was 17, wanting to escape his horrendous family and have a big change. He met Y/n's mother when he was visiting a museum in Scottland. She had been on a field trip for muggle studies.

"Dad?" He jumped slightly, nearly dropping the spatula he held in his hand.

"Christ Y/n, what are you doing here." He laughed, pulling her into a side hug.

"One of my friends wants to learn more about muggles and asked if I would teach him. Have any recommendations on what I should tell him about?" His eyes narrowed at his daughter.

"Is this that boy I heard you talking to mom about? The tall ginger boy?" Her cheeks flushed at the comment, partially because he had been eavesdropping on her and her mother and partially because he was correct. After a few seconds of silence, she spoke up again.

"Can you just give me ideas please?" He decided not to tease her further and began brewing up ideas for her.

"Alright, I have a few things I think he may like to hear about, literally." This peaked the girls curiosity as she followed him to her parents shared bedroom.

Y/n's dad ruffled through his side table and brought out a Walkman.

"Do you think he's ever used one of these?" He handed it to her nonchalantly.

"Definitely not." She laughed, grabbing it from his hands.

"You could probably just grab a few random things from your room and he wouldn't know what they were. It stunned me how much stuff your mother was unaware of." He shrugged. "You can borrow it for a while. And take this tape, I made it for your mom so she could hear top hits from America."

"Perfect! Thanks Dad." And she was then off to her room in search for more things to show Fred.

It didn't take her long to gather a few things and bring them to her dad to ask what he thought. She spread a pile of things out in front of him and asked him to weed out the things he thought Fred wouldn't understand.

They were left with a slap bracelet, a tamagotchi, the Walkman, and for fun, crayola step markers and stick on earrings from when Y/n was a kid. She thanked her dad with a hug and asked him to say hi to Mom for her and vanished through the floo again with a loud goodbye to her brother.

Once she arrived back, she skipped down the stairs to find Fred in the common room in front of the fireplace. His tie was loosened quite a bit and a few of his top buttons undone on his shirt. She bit the inside of her cheek like she didn often when he made her flustered.

Clearly he didn't have to do much.

"Would you like to come up to my dorm so I can show you some stuff?" She asked through the silence. His head whipped around with a sinister smile.

"Godric that's quite forward of you." He winked. She could feel the inevitable heat rushing to her cheeks at the comment.

"You know that's not what I meant you arse, do you wanna learn or not?" She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the wall behind her.

"Alright let's go." He stood with a laugh, squeezing her shoulder while going to trot up the stairs. She pushed ahead of him and got to her room door. Fred looked at her curiously as she leaned down close to her door handle and whispered into it. The door creaked open as she stood straight.

"What was that?" He asked, plopping on her bed.

"Mione and I charmed the door so that it needs a password. Don't want anyone walking in on is changing and stuff. The only ones who know it is us and Luna." She explained as she shuffled through the bag she brought back from her house.

"Can I know it?" His eyebrow quirked slightly, leaning back on his arms with a wicked smile.

"No you cannot, it's kind of an inside joke. Now scoot so I can show you stuff." He was shoved back slightly so he was sitting closer to the headboard of her bed and she sat opposite. She spread the things out on the bed as he looked at them with a scrunched face. He first picked up the stick ons.

"What are these?" He held them like it was a dirty nappy. She giggled and snatched them from his hands. Her fingers grabbed two of them and she used her other hand to grab his chin and bring his face closer. He stared into her eyes with intensity. She probably thought he was so confident, but it was really a front for how nervous she made him. Y/n quickly turned his head to the side and put the stick-on on his ear, repeating it on the other side.

"Now look in the mirror." He hopped from the bed and turned his head in the reflection with a giddy smile.

"I actually kind of like it." Y/n stuck some to her ears and stood in the mirror with him.

"Now match!" She said enthusiastically. He looked down at her with a sweet smile and adoring eyes.

*This girl was certainly something to him.*

"Alright more. This one is pretty self explanatory. It's called a slap bracelet. Put your wrist out." He did so with a suspicious look. She raised it and hit it to his wrist as it wrapped around it. She had never seen someone look so amazed. He took it off, straightened it, and did it again.

"That's phenomenal!"

"They make ruler versions of them too so you can carry around a ruler as a bracelet. I used them in primary."

It took her an exponentially long time to explain the tamagotchi to Fred. He was beyond confused about it. But they ended up taking care of what he called 'their baby' for a good 25 minutes.

*Their baby*

This of course wasnt something Y/n would really think about until weeks later. Daft woman.

They had really stamped up each others arms with the stamp markers as well. Along with a little heart Y/n had stamped sneakily on Fred's cheek.

She of course saved the best for last, the Walkman. She slipped the tape into it and handed it to him, teaching hin the buttons.

"This is a Walkman, for music. My dad said he has top his of the decade on it for my mom." She set the headphones on his head and pressed play. She could very mildly hear 'Wannabee' by the Spice girls leaking through the headset. She very slightly slid one side of the headset off of his ear so he could hear her, brushing his cheek on accident. Not that she noticed.

But he did.

"If you hold down this button it skips the song onto the next one." He held it done and 'I Want it that Way' by Backstreet Boys was playing. He really got into this song. He hooked the player onto his packet and got up and started dancing all dramatic. She sat up against her headboard just watching him enjoy herself.

Now, Y/n tended to say her thoughts aloud when she was extremely zoned in or out. It's not something that was intentional, it was actually something she hated. Most the time it got her into trouble. Most the time after it happend all she could think was simply.

*Well Shit*

"I'm so in love with you." It slipped effortlessly, ber eyes widening as soon as tr he words were said. She thought maybe she could have gotten lucky and the music would still be blaring in his ears. But since when was the girl lucky?

Fred slowly pulled the headphones from his head and scrunched his eyebrows.

"You are?" She couldn't read the exact emotion on his face, making her afraid to answer. So she just nodded. He sat by her slowly, not facing her, just sitting next to her. They both stared straight forward.

All you could hear in the room was the very subtle music leaking from the headphones at the end of the bed.

Fred felt like such a wimp. She literally just confessed her love to him. One he shared for her, and he couldn't even say anything. Maybe he was just stunned.

Suddenly she reached for his hand and intertwined their fingers, turning to look at him. He smiled and grabbed the side of her jaw so gently.

"I'm so in love with you too." She smiled with a small giggle and leaned in to kiss him, pulling away faster than Fred would have liked.

"WeasleBottom." She said suddenly, catching him completely off guard.

"What?"

"That's the password. It's a mixture of the last names of our crushes. Pretty cheesy huh?" He shook his head with a laugh.

"I think it's pretty flattering." He pulled her in for another kiss. "You getting why I wanted to learn about muggle stuff now?"

"For me?" She smiled with her hand over her heart.

"Of course for you."

*Anything for her.*

[cherrycatgender]

explanation for yesterday below the cut, general tw for unsavory content

id like to start off by saying that im sorry for everyone i scared. i wasnt trying to scare anyone, it wasnt an ARG, it wasnt a bit, i was lost and scared and having a mental health crisis. im sorry to everyone who was worried about me, and i hope this can be the last i talk about it, because i really just want to run a mogai blog and feel normal on here. the only reason im explaining this is because i want to show that delusional disorders arent pretty or fun.

yesterday, someone who i dont know the identity of dropped me off on the side of the road. i was disoriented and scared and not in the right state of mind. i walked down the road and ended up in the woods, where i got lost for a long time. i was dehydrated, i was hungry, i was injured, i was dirty, i was crying, i had wet myself, i was lost and i was scared. delusional disorders arent pretty or fun. i had a horrible, scary experience. 

i finally got back on the road and somebody picked me up. they took me to their home while we tried to get in contact with somebody who could help me. they cleaned me up and gave me food, called my aunt, and i got to go home. im alright now. im grateful to good people who exist in the world. 

yesterday was really scary for me and im sorry to people i hurt. it wasnt my intention. it wasnt an ARG. it was a genuine mental health crisis, and it was outside of my control. 

delusional disorders can be terrifying and upsetting and dangerous. please understand that its not always nice communities and colourful flags. please understand that we arent trying to scare you. im okay now. lets just leave it at that please.

[omegawolverine]

Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

[defiantsuggestions]

i told my mom that my dad used to throw things at my brother and i. not hard enough to hurt, just out of anger. they rarely, if ever, left marks at all. sometimes they didnt reach us at all, or his aim was off.

she knew. she already knew and had done nothing. she had not comforted us after he yelled- because he did that too, he often did, though it usually didnt end in throwing something- or often even disagreed with what he said.

"he cares about you," she explained. "he's trying to be better."

but him loving me doesnt change the fact that im scared of him. it doesnt change the fact that until less than a year ago i didnt know it wasnt normal to be blown up at for something as simple as chewing with my mouth open.

"its not like he tied you to a radiator, or beat you," she said. like the fact that it could be much worse changes the fact that he did that. like the fact that i was never physically hurt meant that it couldnt possibly have hurt me mentally.

i was so young, the first time that i can remember it happened. i never knew anything else.

please, tell me its valid. tell me that im not overexaggerating, that my mom is wrong.

or tell me that im in the wrong, tell me that im too emotional or that it really isnt that bad.

just.. tell the truth, whatever it is. i need to know....

Oh, anon. I'm so sorry.

You are valid. Your mother is wrong. You are in no way overreacting. What your father did is absolutely abuse.

He used the power he had over you to instill fear, to threaten you, and the lack of physical harm does not change that.

It doesn't matter if he didn't cause physical wounds. Exploding at you is abusive. Making attempts to hurt you is abusive. Even if hurting you wasn't his intention, posturing like he wanted to hurt you is abusive.

Abuse is not just about inflicting pain. It's about repeatedly causing distress in another person who can't get away. It's about control unchecked. It's about forcing behaviors in victims. It's about someone getting stamped down under another's foot, regardless of what motive or reason or intention the abuser might or might not have.

Abuse causes trauma, it changes how the brain works. Getting exploded at and threatened and having things thrown at you on a regular basis causes trauma. Your parents are supposed to be your guardians and sense of safety. The developing mind is hard-wired for attachment for the sake of survival, and to have your guardian consistantly put you in a state of fight or flight, that's deeply traumatic.

It doesn't matter that he loves you, and it doesn't matter that he cares; he hurt you, badly and repeatedly, and you don't owe him anything.

"At least he didn't tie you to the radiator" she says. That is bullshit. That is manipulative, that is enabling, that is toxic, that is wrong in every way.

"At least he didn't hurt you worse," is the absolute worse advice anyone could ever possibly give you. He shouldn't have hurt you at all. And yes, even if it wasn't physically painful, that's what he did. He hurt you. He made you feel unsafe. He did the exact opposite of what a parent is supposed to do.

"Someone held a knife to my throat, but they didn't stab me, so I should be grateful to them and love them for not being worse."

You are so, so valid. You have every reason to feel the way you do. You are not being dramatic, you are responding very naturally to the abuse you have suffered.

Your mother is wrong.

You deserve better.

[howdoyousleep3]

mama K! here’s to a happy pride!!! sorry if this is sad, was in my feels a little bit today. (they have a happy ending of course)

He sits by the window, his head turned towards the streets rolling by, the weight on his shoulders carried by a red bus. He’s has a rough day, and he knows the time on this bus won’t help him clear his head. In the past being alone with his thoughts hasn’t always been the best idea. When he gets to his apartment his husband will help him figure it out. He could make all those thoughts, all those insecurities, go away with just a smile. It’s still crazy to think that he’s allowed to call the man he’s spending the rest of his life his husband.

He lets his thoughts wander against his better judgment. His life doesn’t feel normal. The normal he knows is hiding in closets, no pun intended, and hoping beyond God that no one finds him. Even the ones who would accept him, because good intentions only get you so far when it comes to things like this. It hurt that it was even an option that people wouldn’t accept him for something as trivial as his sexuality. The thought of people back then finding out about him now makes him sick. Years later. He thought once he moved away their words would leave, let him be the one to bring himself for , not other people. He thought he could make himself forget.

But they didn't know, or at least they didn’t care, that their hate filled words would impact him more than the people who said them. He doubt they even remembered what they said to him. Hurting people for being different than their cookie-cutter ideas was so normal for them that he was just a point from a long line of young people with scars.

That wasnt even the hardest part. He could deal with people saying things to try and change him, he knew it wasn’t going to work. One of the hardest things to remember is people fighting on his television, deciding whether he could love the man he wanted. As if it was their choice to begin with, as if they had any right to chose who he’s allowed to get married to.

He lets out a long sigh and focuses on the song playing in his headphones. It used to be his mother’s favorite, and he can’t seem to let it go. It could still be her favorite, he wouldn’t know. They haven’t spoken in five years. Maybe it’s been six, he tried to tell himself but the truth is he knows exactly how long. Call him sentimental. Call him weak. Its nothing he hasn’t told himself.

He remembers everything from the day he told his parents no matter how hard he tried to forget. He was wearing a hoodie that he threw out a few months later, not being able to stand it. It was blue and it has pink flowers on the sleeves. He still knows that he was wearing glasses because they were fogged up from the tears he shed. The tears his parents caused him to shed. Jesus, his parents.

The hardest part had been going into the conversation, knowing that when it ended he wouldn’t have a family anymore. He was going to be alone. He had been so fucking scared. Before he had the conversation with his parents he had already packed his bags. He was certain he knew how it was going to go, and he had been right. All men are created equal, until they decide to love each other, right?

For all the bad times that his memories recall, there are the good ones too. Having his boyfriend at the time hold him all night whenever his thoughts caught up with him. Getting kneed in the face by his husband when the announcement came out that they could be with each other legally. His husband was so excited that he forgot about his head resting in his lap and he stood up, apologizing with profound words. He can’t remember another time when he felt such pure, unadulterated joy. He had waited for his whole life, longer, to be able to call the man holding his face with gentle hands and tear streaked cheeks his husband.

But you can’t have strong positive emotions without a crash. Later that week he felt such resentment towards all the people who had halted the process, stopping him from something they had no right to control. He got proposed to that very same year, his husband down on one knee with shaking hands, his face framed by falling autumn leaves. Seeing his husband, his husband, waiting at the end of a long aisle, hastily wiping away tears and giving him a smile that held in it the rest of their lives together. They had both been dressed in white, mocking the angels. Not that he was one to believe that his love was a sin.

He’s almost at his stop, and then he can go home into a warm embrace, a loving smile, and a person, a man, he can lean on.

He wished he could say he never wanted to be anyone different. He couldn’t. There were times, there still are times, when he wants to see his little sister who never had a chance to stop anything that happened those years ago. He misses singing along to The Beach Boys in the back of his moms’ minivan. He misses making fun of his dad for his favorite movie, Clueless. (He hasn’t watched that in years) He knows he can never have that again, but that was their choice. Not his. He has to remember that.

He’s tried to stop blaming himself for who he is. Blaming God is easier, but he knows there’s no one to blame. He loves who he loves. It’s one of the underlying facts of human existence, it’s not something he can change. They can say it’s not real, that he’s being dramatic, he’s making it up, but if his sexuality isn’t real then it doesn’t that mean no one’s is? There’s a natural balance in life, he’s learned. He can look up the definition of love all he wants, he can ask everyone he knows what love means, but there isn’t one definition, isn’t one true meaning of love. It’s whatever he wants it to be. It’s what he has with is husband, his love.

He walks into his front door. Maybe he’s imagining it, but it’s warm. Comforting. He knows that when he looks up he’ll see a smiling face sitting on a mantle.

A soft “How was your day?” greets him. He can tell from the voice that his partner knows it was a rough day. It’s okay, they both have them. They’ll cry, they’ll hold each other close. An endless cycle of pain and joy.

But that’s what life is. They can’t let it consume them, no matter how much it hurts. If they let themselves go down there’s no chance of getting back up.

Deeply unhappy thoughts breed joyful reunions with death.

😭😭😭 I'm so happy you have shared this with us. Happy endings always. How personal and reflective and deeply emotional. Thank you, nonniebug. I lub you so much. 💖

[brelione]

The Surfer And The Siren

Chapter Two:The Blondes,The Dog and The Girl in the Woods.

Chapter One

@kelsiejayy​ designed this mood board :) 

“Why is it always the blondes?”Richard asked.You shrugged,folding the snack bag closed. “They remind me of him.”You answered.Richard just nodded,pulling the strings of the bag tight. “Will you tell him stories about me when im gone?”Richard asked.You pouted. “You’ve still got a few more years,Rich.”You mumbled.He just chuckled. “Lets get going,weve got thirteen hours to go.”he locked the door as you walked out.You two got into his older car,driving down the bumpy roads to his house.You ran up the small grassy hill and up to the front porch,kneeling to pet Blue on his stomach.You then ran inside,jumping onto the couch and holding your favorite pillow to your chest.Richard let the dog in,going into the kitchen to show you that he had already set out your favorite cookies.ayou ate seven before you ran into the backyard to see how much taller the sunflowers had grown since the last time you had been over to the house.You rolled in the grass,lifting yourself into a tree and giggling loudly.

It felt like it had been a long time since you had even touched a tree.Probably because it had been.Richard placed his phone on the outdoor table,allowing your favorite songs to play.There was some Queen,some Disney,some instrumental and some early 2000’s music.You got down from the tree,telling him you were going to take Blue for a walk.Richard nodded,standing up.He wasnt as fast or energetic as he had been 60 years ago.He couldnt give you piggy back rides anymore or play soccer in the middle of the woods.It didnt really matter though.He was still good old Richard with his shitty jokes and his big grey hound.You grabbed Blue’s leash,clipping it to his collar.RIchard shouted to you to let you know that you could go without him.You ran down the street,racing the large dog all the way to figure eight.You ended up on the beach behind the kook mansions.You had watched as they had been built all those years ago,wondering what kind of rich straight white dudes were going to move in there.

You were unaware of the camera watching you from a tall tree,oblivious to the notification that was sent to Rafe Cameron’s phone.Blue leaned against you,laying down at your feet.You sat indian style,allowing the dog to rest in your lap. “Are you a handsome baby?”You grinned,tapping the dogs nose.He sneezed,moving upwards to look your chin.Rafe came up behind you,his eyes focusing on your hair.He hadnt been prepared or even thought about what he was going to say.He just didnt want to miss you. “Hello?”You called out,feeling someone looking at you.He inhaled sharply and his fists clenched. “Sorry,sorry-I didnt mean to scare you.”He spoke awkwardly.Blue sat up,staring him down and growling.You looked over your shoulder,grip tightening on Blue’s leash.That wasnt Ward.Ward was a normal person,he aged.You had watched him age. “Ward?”You asked,not calling off Blue.Rafe shook his head,not being able to form words.You dragged your fingers along the back of Blue’s neck to calm him.The dog leaned into your touch,slumping against you. 

“Um...Im Rafe-Rafe Cameron.My dad’s name is Ward,though.”He answered.You nodded,standing up and brushing the sand off of your clothing.He looked just like Ward when he was in his early twenties.Ward had always been a bit of the sketchy type but never too bad.He wore his long sleeve shirts rolled up to his elbows,socks and sandals and always had some sort of fancy watch clinging to his wrist.You had been to the Cameron’s dock countless times just to check if Ward Cameron was still alive and walking.You wrapped Blue’s leash around your wrist so he wouldnt go too far. “I like your hair.”He spoke,pointing to the blue curly mess.Your eyebrows fell over your eyes,Blue sensed the tension and licked your fingertips.He glanced up at the tree where the camera was hidden before looking back up at you. “Okay.”You mumbled,not wanting to continue the conversation.He didnt have good intentions.It felt like you were talking to Ward,In fact,you could remember Ward telling you the same thing.Rafe sucked in a big breath,looking down at Blue and trying to ease his mind.

 “Is this your dog?”He asked,gesturing towards the greyhound.You gulped,glancing around the beach for other people. “Friend’s dog.”You answered,your voice hitting him like a wave.He stumbled a bit,deciding to just sit down.His legs couldnt hold his weight and it seemed like his head was full of wet cotton.He felt exhausted and not just from running down the road.He nodded,hands in his lap. “I will see you around,Rafe Cameron.”You spoke softly,allowing the power to sink into the air.It was probably enough to enchant the boys inside houses across the whole neighborhood and more than enough to cause Rafe to fall forward with his eyes closed.You grinned,biting down on your lip and holding back a chuckle.Men were just too easy.You jogged back up the sand and to the street,seeing a boy asleep on his lawn.It only made your smile widen as you ran back to the cut,Blue panting as he sprinted with you.When you got to the cut you were a sweating and panting mess,laughing at the feeling of pain in your kneecaps.

You kept running,savoring the sore feeling at your ankles and heels as your feet smacked the cement.When you got back to Richard’s Blue had dragged himself up the stairs tiredly to drink some water.You went inside the house,leaving the door open for Blue and laying down on the couch.Your cheeks were flushed,your skin damp from sweat. “Did you have a good run?”Richard asked.You nodded,sitting up. “I didnt know that Ward Cameron had a son.”You frowned,pushing the blue hair from your face.Richard gulped,sitting down in his reclining chair. “You saw Ward Cameron?”He asked nervously.You shook your head. “Just his son.Strange looking boy...kind of like Ward with moist hair.I didnt tell him my name,just Blue’s.He’s asleep on the beach as of right now.”You explained.He nodded,opening a bag of skittles.You giggled. “God,do you remember back in 82’ when those things first got to the store?”You asked.He nodded. “How could I forget?I was trying to get you a bag but the buggers were sold out.The rich boys were mixing them with vodka and throwing up on the streets.”He let out a wheeze like laugh.You grinned at the memory,holding your pillow to your stomach.

 “The boy...JJ.Do you know him well?”You asked.Richard raised his eyebrows,shaking his head as he poured skittles into his palm.You sighed,leaning back. “He looks like him...I saw them while I was out today.JJ and Pope,I mean.They were with another boy and a girl.The other one….I forget what he’s called.He looks like an Adam,though.He’s very terrible at surfing,I had to rescue him during a storm.And the girl...she was diving near the caves to clean up trash that had sunk.I feel drawn to them like im supposed to be part of their group.It was that feeling I had when I saw you on the beach on the night we met...I knew it would lead to something good.”You tried your best to explain your feelings.He nodded,reclining in the chair and stretching out his sore legs. “I understand,(Y/N).But I dont know enough about these kids to let you go around them.Im not trying to control you,Im just concerned for your safety.You’ve seen it all before where your kind gets involved with the wrong human folk and winds up dead or trapped in a tank.You cant let that happen,I cant let that happen.I’ll learn as much as I can about them,okay?”He asked.

You sighed,watching as Blue slowly walked in and sat by the door. “I wouldve felt if he had bad intentions or anger,he didnt.When I was out for my swim they tried to find me again to make sure that i was okay.If they were bad they wouldnt have done that.”You mumbled.He nodded. “But they didnt know who you are and what you are.Maybe if they had they would act differently but I dont exactly want to find out.Let me learn about them first,alright?”He asked.You nodded as he turned on his television. “Netflix has new films this month,why dont you flip through them until you find something you’d like to watch?”He offered,leaning forward and handing you the warm black controller.You grinned,biting your bottom lip as you watched the preview for H2o Just Add Water. “Hey-hey Richard.”You laughed.He looked up at the television,holding back a laugh as his nostrils flared. “No-nope.”He shook his head.You laughed,looking through the episode titles before snorting. “Siren effect!”You giggled.He sighed,pinching the bridge of his nose. “If that is what you want to watch than go for it.”He grinned.

You shook your head,going back to the home page.You settled on a show called I Am Not Okay With THis.You werent really paying attention because you were too busy thinking about all the things you wanted to do in such little time. “It really sucks that we cant go into the woods like we used too.”You sighed.Richard frowned,nodding in understanding. “You know that its not safe for you out there alone.”He reminded you.It was dangerous for anyone to go out at night especially young girls.The Cut had some pretty dangerous places that became even more dangerous at night. “Do you think I could go if Blue came with me?”You asked.Blue’s ears perked up at his name,his mouth falling open in a dog smile.Richard nodded hesitantly. “Alright.Dont go too far and stay away from the graveyard.”He leaned back in his seat.You grinned,standing up.You didnt bother with the leash,hopping down the front steps excitedly with Blue right behind you.You didnt think you’d ever get used to the smell of grass and the feeling of dirt between your toes.Your hair got caught in a few branches but you couldnt care less.

You could see the faint green glow of fire flies a few feet away. “Why do I always have to get the firewood?They’re perfectly capable but no,no of course theyre just too high to do basic things.”A feminine voice ranted to herself.There was no way of telling exactly how far away it was but you assumed it was pretty close when the fireflies dispersed.Blue barked softly,a growl coming from her throat. “Hello?”The voice called upon hearing the noise.You huffed,silently thanking the gods that you wouldnt have to speak to yet another boy. “Hello.”You replied,finally seeing the owner of the voice.Her dark hair was tied into a fancy french braided bun that probably took years of her childhood to master.Her skin was the color of werther’s chewy caramels.She wore a white and black hoodie that was large and a bit baggy on her small frame along with a pair of light shorts.You knew she probably couldnt make out your features in the dark.That was one of the advantages you were grateful for.You had always been able to see close to perfectly in the dark which definitely helped with your insecurities when you knew for a fact that others couldnt.

 “Why are you in the middle of the woods?”She asked.You held onto Blue’s collar so he wouldnt lunge at the pretty girl. “The dog needed to pee,what about you?”You asked.She giggled,playing with her fingers nervously as her legs got a tingly feeling. “Oh-um-firewood.What’s your dogs name?”She asked.You slowly let go of the collar.Blue walked forward eagerly to sniff at the girls shorts,hands and shoes. “Blue.”You answered.She kneeled down to pet the large dog as he sat down in front of her,licking a slimy streak on the side of her face. “And what’s your name?”She asked,directing the question towards you.You grinned upon realising that this was her.This had to be a sign. “(Y/N).”You answered,watching as her face fell and her mouth fell agape.You were the girl JJ spoke so fondly of.She could absolutely agree with him about your voice.She had never heard one quite like yours with that weird accent.

You could probably make some really incredible ASMR if you wanted too. “Do you….by any chance have blue hair?”She asked.You smiled to yourself. “That would be me.”You confirmed.She blushed,biting her lip. “Im Kiara.I think you know my friends,JJ and Pope.”She muttered.You hummed,swatting a mosquito away from your face. “I met them briefly.”You told her,snapping your fingers by your side to get Blue to come back to you.You rubbed the back of his left ear,seeing Kiara stand up straight again.The original blue was missing part of his left ear after getting into a fight with a rat the size of a puppy.That was definitely in the top ten scariest moments of your life.You and Richard had been inside the house baking a cinnamon peach cake for his mother when she came home from a long day of work.You had started to smash up butter in a large bowl that you had actually made for them when you heard a mix of screams,hisses and whimpers coming from the backyard.

He had grabbed the broom,ready to break up a fight between two young children.You had both ran outside,screaming in shock at the sight in front of you.Blue had been shaking his head back and forth,trying to get the rat of of him.You had to tackle the poor dog,ripping the rat off and practically suffocating it.Richard had ran inside to grab one of his old dirty shirts,running it under the cool faucet water before running back outside and holding it to Blue’s damaged flesh.You had thrown the rat down the hill as adrenaline coursed through your veins.He had gotten the bleeding to stop,the red liquid had stained the already dying grass.You used your bandana to hold his ear down and bandaged.That had happened only a few months before you had lost your ring and became pretty much completely confined to the ocean.Since then Richard had tried his best to keep everything the same.When the first Blue died he was quick to find a similar looking grey hound from an animal shelter.He’d created a raft out of branches and grape vines and fitted sheets so he could float out to your cave.He put newspaper into plastic wrap so you could keep up with things going on in the land.He didnt go anywhere outside of North Carolina without telling you first.Pretty much his whole life revolved around you.

“Cool,cool.So are you visiting from somewhere?”She asked.You had gotten used to that question. “No,actually.I kind of just stay under the radar,you know?”You asked.She nodded. “So are you a kook or a pogue?”She asked.You shrugged,scratching your nose. “Um...I’d say its complicated.”You answered.She hummed. “Yeah,I get that.So where do you live?”She asked. “Between friends,I suppose.I should probably get this handsome baby home before he falls asleep.It was great meeting you though.”You grinned.She nodded. “Ill see you around,(Y/N).”She smiled.You walked back through the woods the same way you had came,eventually coming back out outside of Richard’s house.

You went through the back door,the dim kitchen light making you realize the scratches on your ankles.It brought a smile to your face.You felt like a normal teen girl for the time being and you knew you only had so long. “(Y/N)?Are you back?”Richard called from the living room. “Yep!”You shouted back before heading to the bathroom.You looked in the mirror,smiling at how dry your hair was.It was dry and hanging at your shoulders,not flowing in the water or getting pushed into your face by currents.The small slits behind your ear were covered with skin and you could move your feet in circles.You werent sure which part of your life you preferred.You turned on the faucet,staring at the water that flowed out of it.You turned it off,looking back up at the mirror angrily.Your sisters never had to deal with everything you had gone through.They were all dead anyways and only god knows how many others there were out there.Hell,there could be some walking around Outer Banks right now with their rings keeping them safe.The shit you would do to get your ring back was ridiculous.

At this point you might even kill for one. “Are you okay in there?”Richard shouted.You flicked the light off,coming out of the bathroom with your hand sin the pockets of your jeans. “Rich,I just met the girl.”You told him,standing in the doorway of the living room.He say up straight,placing his bag of skittles down. “What girl?”He asked.You sighed,sitting back down on the couch indian style. “The girl.The girl from the group I saw earlier today.Ive encountered all of them now,that cannot be a coincidence!”You exclaimed.He shrugged. “Well,lets not jump to conclusions now.You say the Maybank boy looks a lot like him,yeah?”He asked.You nodded. “Well then maybe he’s related to the fella.You still have your old photo albums in the caves?The ones I laminated for you?”He asked.You nodded,waiting for him to continue. “This might be jumping to conclusions but what if Jesse is related to him?”He asked.

You sighed,shaking your head. “No,no he never had any kids.”You answered.He grinned. “Yeah,he didnt.But that doesnt mean his older sister didnt.Linda,I think.Wasnt it something like that?”He asked.You gulped. “Linden.She died in 55’ though.I dont know if she ever had kids.How would we find that out?”You asked.His eyebrows knit together,the bags under his eyes seeming darker. “We have google now.Hand me my phone,please.”He requested.You grabbed his phone off the kitchen counter,looking at his screensaver.It was a picture of a sunset taken awfully close to your cave system.You remembered that sunset in particular because of how bright the pink and purple hues had been.You didnt remember him taking the photo though.You tossed it to him,the strange object falling into his lap. “Hey siri.”He spoke to his phone.A ding came from the device. “Show me all information on Linden Silslip.”He requested.A few articles came up so he handed the phone back to you for you to scroll through.It wasnt until you got to the very bottom that you found an article about “The Sea Monster of OBX” with and interview from Linden.You looked through the article,pressing down on Linden’s name.A whole page of information came up.You couldnt believe what you were seeing.

Comment a smiley face if youd like to be added to the tag list

@milamaybank @drewswannabegirl @teamnick @unmotivatedwritings  @danicarosaline @sexualparkour

[7wanderingpaws]

Simply, Yours. (5)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader

Genre: family AU, hapkido teacher AU

Word count: 3.1K

Warnings: cursing

a/n: Finally I am updating this little story! I havent updated it in a long while for which I apologise, it wasnt my intention :( But there will be a slight twist in their “planned” pregnancy so... I cant wait to have a little fun 😁  I am always eager to hear your opinions.🙌 Stay safe!

MASTERLIST

PARTS: 1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5

This time, Baekhyun was the first one to be awake. Stirring a little bit around, he turned to his right side where your back was facing him, your hair splayed out on the pillow like a wild willow tree.

Scurrying a little closer, he brought his pillow to yours, his arm finding your sweet middle as he breathed in your fresh scent. He really liked moments like these, when the sun had yet to rise, the clock had yet to struck 6 and  you had yet to wake up, while he could just indulge in looking at you without being interrupted by anything or anyone.

Plus, the fact that few days had already passed since both you and him found out about your state did not mean he got used to the idea of suddenly three people occupying this bed. What a miracle, he thought. What a blessing.

Baekhyun carefully maneuvered himself out of the bed, his feet gently tapping on the wooden floor as he tiptoed to your side to turn off your alarm clock. He wanted to be the one to surprise you and wake you up with healthy breakfast in bed before both of you would have to head out to your work places.

Today he had a hapkido class with university students and as much as he loved the class, he just wanted to spend time with you.

He was just in the middle of pouring thick and rich pumpkin porridge into the last bowl when he heard you open the bedroom door.

“Baekhyun, what are you doing up so early?” you murmured, your voice low and heavy. “Sorry, it seems like I forgot to turn on the alarm clock. I would have done the breakfast myself,” you continued walking to his side to take the big pot out of his hand so that you could do it instead of him.

Baekhyun continued his job, not budging once at your prying hands. “Why are you up if your alarm clock didn't go off? I worked so hard this morning to turn off your alarm, and yet here you are beating the nature clock.”

“You turned off my alarm?” you asked, surprised.

“Of course I did!” exclaimed Baekhyun, as he put the pot back down on the stove and reached for the drawer to take out two spoons. “Now go back to bed, we have a breakfast to eat and you still owe me a face of surprise when I bring the food in,” he said, preoccupied with putting the bowls on the tray.

You held back the giggle that was threatening to spill at his antiques. “Alright, let me just pee real quick.”

By the time you were back, Baekhyun was bouncing on the bed, eagerly waiting for both of you to indulge in the hot porridge that was one of your favourites. You made sure to look completely taken aback when you sat down on the bed, giving him a loud peck on the cheek before making yourself comfortable. “You know this is the food we have after a hangover,” you murmured, taking a big spoonful and swallowing it in one.

“Oho, slow down, hungry cub. You will get a tummy ache if you eat so fast,” scolded Baekhyun gently, making you smile.

“Yes, chef.”

He gave you a wink. “And anyway. You love this porridge, might as well please your taste buds.”

You nodded, devouring a spoonful after another until you were done before him. And that rarely ever happened. “Done!”

he shook his head at you, trying to swallow the last bids of his porridge.

“Look at me! I rock today,” you laughed loudly when he pouted.

“It isn't fair,” he whined, putting down his spoon into now an empty bowl. “I am alone while you guys are two!”

Your laughter halted, melting into an endearing smile. Warmth spread through your insides. “I don't think its the matter yet,” you responded. “It has long way to grow for me to eat for two, you know?”

“No, it doesn't. It still counts.”

Rolling your eyes at him, you reached over the tray to mess up his bed hair. “Alright, whatever you say, mister. Still does not change the fact that I win for today, ha! And now, you better hurry, you need to be at the university in an hour!”

“First a kiss,” he demanded, crossing his arms on his chest.

Smiling, you pressed your lips to his warm ones, tasting the porridge. 

“Love you,” he murmured.

Once Baekhyun was out the door, you rushed to prepare for your work only to end up with your head in the toilet, throwing up all the porridge and more. 

____

You made it your absolute, utmost priority to keep your blessed state as far away from the workplace as possible. Not only was it all so fresh and new, but you also needed to wait till the first trimester was over to be 100% sure the pregnancy was safe and actually happening. Besides, you would lose your job immediately if your boss as much as whifs a baby around you. Thankfully, he was not the smartest man, as much as he insisted himself.

It only got proven when he called you into his office few days later, his meaty index finger pointing at the contract in front of him. It was a deal between yours and a Chinese company, but it was written in English. “I am sure there was a mistake on their side,” he mumbled, frustration slowly, but surely boiling in his facial features as he was gripping the piece of paper. He chuckled bitterly. “And they think I wouldnt find out? Just who do they think they are? I find out everything,” he seethed through gritted teeth as he suddenly snapped his eyes up at you, catching you off guard in the process.

You winced, taking a cautious step back, trying not to give too much attention to the meaning behind his words. “Sir, I believe this is correct,” you tried to explain gently, “the deal does not have any mistakes in English, we have already skimmed through it.”

He frowned. “But the calculations aren't correct. There should be one more zero.”

As calmly as you possibly could, you explained to him that he, indeed, bought much more than he actually thought. Making business was not always rainbows and unicorns, and today this fact seemed to dawn on your boss. “You were in a conference call last week,” you kept reminding him, “and because they offered you a good deal, you decided to buy more. Therefore you had to pay more, and we received less.”

He snatched the paper out of your small hands and gave you an ugly stare. “Whatever. I know my things,” he mumbled, turning his face back to the table.

“That is my job, sir.”

He whipped his head back at you again, but you only bowed at him politely, turning to walk out of his office when he started: “I still haven't scolded you for lying to me.”

Raising your head from your bow, you looked at him with worried eyes. “Lied to you, sir?”

He scoffed. “You lying about having a boyfriend was not the best move. Even if it is a white lie, I don't want any of it in my office. Nor in this company.”

You nodded, fully aware and guilty. You saw this coming sooner or later.

“And,” he started, giving you a side-look. “You plan on getting married?”

Holding back your breath, you knew you could reply to him truthfully. “No. Definitely not anytime soon anyway. As you know, it is a pricey matter.”

“Well, if you keep up the good work here, you might be able to save some money for such occasion,” he replied, his poker face giving you a slight unease. “Besides, I'm sure your handsome boyfriend would earn loads with that face of his.”

To that, you did not want to reply. Baekhyun, indeed, was a handsome man. This was a fact ever since you got to really know him back in the high school days, when he already graduated but still would sometimes visit your school for physical work around the building. The girls would be drooling and swooning in the big hallway windows during break, but he saved his handsome boyish smiles only for you,  always giving you a wink that would swoosh away the unwanted company of other girls.

When your boss realised he wouldn't get an answer from you, he ended the conversation on a very straight-forward note. “Whatever. Just don't get pregnant with him. Or anyone. No pregnancy in this company.”

-

It has been a few weeks later that the battle with the rollercoaster of your emotions had gone downward. There were still no direct signs of a small human being inside of you, but oh my goodness, were your hormones and emotions acting up. Tired of constantly puking your guts out on the morning, then rushing to work, dealing with the moody bastard of a boss, being either desperate for Baekhyun's touch or just plain hating his presence in the same room was driving you up the wall. 

Countless times you ended up bawling your eyes out in the bathroom in your work, or in the shower at home, because you didn't see a way out of this. Plus, the stress of accidentally revealing your pregnancy even to the ever-so-kind Sukyeong left you with a heavy soul. You needed to talk to someone of your age, you needed some help but your own independent self couldn't as much as think of such an option.

Another issue was scaring Baekhyun away from you and him leaving you alone in this mess that HE created… No, scratch that. Your slight change in weight made you feel so utterly unattractive that you were trying not to physically shudder whenever he complimented you about your looks. And the poor boy hadn't even a clue about your internal turmoil.

You sighed.

“You look freaking gorgeous, love.”

He said it again. And he meant it, he honestly did. You saw it in his eyes.

Being now almost past the first trimester, you and Baekhyun were both dressing up for your scheduled ultrasound at the doctor's. Although you were a bit nervous, you were thankful Baekhyun was always there throughout each check-up you had. And yet, here you were pissed at him, but you said nothing.

“Are you alright?” he asked you carefully, knowing how your mood could change within a nanosecond. He came closer to you as you were standing in front of the mirror you had in your tiny bedroom.

Swallowing harshly, you nodded, but did not look into his eyes. Ever so gently, through your tight dress, you saw a gentle baby bump. It could easily be covered up (and you did passionately cover it up for work) but it was there. Solid. A prove that it was real.

“Do we want to know the gender, honey?” asked Baekhyun gently, as he made another step closer to you and he let his hands hold your hips before his wide palms ever-so slowly slid over your stomach where he let them rest. Then his chin came resting on your shoulder as he turned his face to give you a gentle kiss to your neck.

You heart-rate picked up and it wasn't because of the high blood pressure you had been experiencing recently. “I don't know,” you whispered looking at him through the reflection in the mirror, “do we?”

This topic has been on your mind for the longest time. Do you want to be surprised? Or do you want to be prepared? Surely, in the nature of the village life, the answer would be an immediate: yes, we do want to know. Poor villagers always wanted certainty, and it was only understandable. But maybe this unpredictable city life of Seoul made you more adventurous. You might have not wanted to know.

He hummed, the vibrations in his chest sending electric shocks down your spine, causing you to squirm in his arms. He let out an amused laugh through his nose before he whispered into your ear: “So sensitive, my love.”

“You fucking tease,” you glowered, but leaned back into him.

He gasped softly and squeezed your body. “Now there, sweet cheeks, we do not swear with a baby inside of you.”

“Then stop teasing, love” you snapped back and he laughed now with an open mouth. “You know exactly what you are doing. You're sneaky.”

“Sure I am. You know me, hun. And now back to the point,” he emphasized, and you rolled your eyes but smiled anyways. “I don't mind if we get surprised. But if you want the gender to be revealed, I am supporting that as well.”

You nodded as you held his hands on your belly, letting your fingers caress the top of his knuckles. “Alright,” you said, nodding. “I think I will, ehm, see how I feel once we are there?”

He hummed in approval before he turned his head again, waiting for you to turn your face to see him. So you did. And then he gave you the sweetest smile of support before he leaned in and gave you a breathtaking kiss, ending it with a loud smack. “Shall we go then?”

-

Usually it was always an uncomfortable experience to sit in the waiting room of your doctor with other pregnant ladies. When you weren't pregnant, you felt so out of place, despite you having an active lovemaking life. That was why you were sitting there, right? Even at those times, Baekhyun was going with you, just because he wanted to be responsible and also to support you. He knew how much the village ladies didn't go for regular check-ups.

So now, sitting there with your tiny belly as your hands were intertwined with your boyfriend, it was a completely different feeling. You were still shy to as much as lie on that stupid chair, let alone spread your legs in front of a stranger - even though it was a woman and a doctor. But now it just felt right. You were eager. Excited. Happy. Curious. And Baekhyun felt your excitement as your knee was bouncing up and down. He was excited as well. The sparkle in his eyes was proving it.

Once finally inside, you both took a seat opposite your doctor, who gifted you with a kind smile as she also took a seat and skimmed through your papers. “The lovely couple I could never forget,” she noted, briefly looking at you and Baekhyun before diving back into your records. “And the unplanned baby. So!” she exclaimed, folding quickly the papers before she rested her laced hands down on the table. “Any abnormalities?” she looked at you, obviously expecting you to answer her questions.

Squeezing Baekhyun's hand under the table, you shrugged, not sure if what you were about to say was an abnormality. “Crazy mood swings. Emotions are a mess. Throwing up is still on, but thankfully not so often… And my boobs hurt,” you mumbled the last sentence, looking at your hand engulfed in Baekhyun's, a slight blush creeping up your cheeks. This time Baekhyun squeezed your hand, although you didn't notice the affectionate look he sent your way. You dared to look up when you heard the doctor laugh.

“Those are all completely normal signs. Is your blood pressure still acting up?” she asked and as she was waiting for your reply she turned in her chair and grabbed the little machine. “I will check it now.”

You nodded but Baekhyun answered for you. “She had a couple of dizzy moments, but it wasn't as severe.”

The doctor nodded and checked you up, writing down the final results. “It's normal today. But if it will get too high, you need to go to the hospital. You know that, right?”

Not the happiest with her advice, you nodded.

“Good,” she replied cheerfully. “Any questions before we start the ultrasound?”

You were just about to shake your head when your boyfriend cleared his throat, stopping you from doing the action. You gave him a wary look, and he squeezed your hand again when he spoke: “How is it with, eh, sex? As the baby is growing, we are not sure how far we can go or if we should even do it. And I wouldn't want to hurt my girlfriend or the baby...” he trailed off, his ears growing pink. You felt your heart swell with love for him as you smiled like a little high school student.

“Oh my god, please do have sex,” replied your doctor, her eyes worried as she gestured with her hand to you. “She might not be showing it, but the sexual frustration can get out of hand, to put it nicely,” she continued, her stance confident. “Paying attention to your pregnant lady is very important in every phase of pregnancy and it is completely safe. Of course, around the due date you might want to be more careful, however it does not necessarily affect the baby in any way, so there is no need to worry, Baekhyun. It is more than healthy,” she laughed loudly, making you and Baekhyun giggle in the meantime.

“Any more questions? No? Good! Then let's get to it,” she clapped her hands, swiftly getting up from her chair and walking to the bed where you lied down, now familiar with the process. Baekhyun was sitting on a chair just where your head was, and he ran his fingers through your hair, giving you a reassuring smile while you tried not wince at the cold gel touching your hot skin covering your stomach.

“So do we want to find out the gender?” she asked as she spread the gel evenly, now digging into your tummy while she was already looking at the screen.

You contemplated quickly but before you could answer the doctor cut through: “Or do you want to know how many babies you would have?” she asked, but her voice was light but a bit unfocused as she stared at the screen. 

Not seeing Baekhyun's frown, he asked: “What do you mean?”

It was silent for a little longer, your doctor going through the same trail on your belly again, probably to double check whatever she saw there. Letting out a tiny laugh, she turned to look at your puzzled looks. “Well, this is fantastic!” she exclaimed and for some strange reason you had a feeling this might not be the best news, nor the news you were expecting when you were coming there. So when she uttered the next words, you felt your world crumbling down on you, and this time you could be sure Baekhyun wasn't as confident either. “You are expecting triplets!”

[dog-teeth]

hi ez! i’ve been privately identifying as transmasc for about 5/6 years now but haven’t transitioned medically or socially (i’ve only come out to a few friends). i’ve wavered between various nb labels including genderfluid. now i’m turning 18 in a month and the prospect of maybe being able to transition is making me question, what if i only thought i was trans when i was younger bc of internalized misogyny, and now i only feel male bc i’ve been thinking of myself as such for so many years (1/2)

(2/2) and have forgotten how to do anything else? on the other hand, what if i’m only thinking this bc of internalized transphobia or bc i’m scared of transitioning? it’s causing me a lot of distress bc idk what to do and i don’t want a make the wrong choice and end up even unhappier. do you have any advice for me? 😅 if you don’t that’s cool, sorry this turned out longer than i expected!

figuring out your identity is super confusing, i understand! its natural to question yourself, especially when transitioning comes into play. my advice would be to remember that you dont have to have everything figured out right now and its fine to change your mind later as you explore your identity more. i think people should think of identity labels more as “this describes how i feel right now and makes me most comfortable” rather than “this is who i am now and forever” which puts a lot of pressure on you. dont worry about trying to pin down your identity exactly right now thinking its who you are forever, just try to explore what makes you feel good right now.

the good news is, both social and physical transitioning takes a lot of time and intentional effort, so you don’t have to rush into anything youre not sure about. social transitioning is easier to deal with in terms of identity confusion, because you can always change your mind later and tell people you prefer a different name, set of pronouns, or identity label. anyone who’s worth being in your life will be understanding, even if you come out now and realize later that whatever you came out as wasnt right. if you think socially transitioning would help you feel more comfortable with yourself and those around you, you should go for it! you can do it as quickly or as slowly as you want to, and come out to as many or as few people as you want to.

as for physically transitioning, you don’t have to think about that at all if you’re uncertain right now. you have your whole life to figure it out! and it also takes time, and if you change your mind you’ll be fine. its not all black and white, theres no sudden irreversible decisions you need to make now or ever. you can feel it out slowly.

theres no way to ‘make the wrong choice’ here. you’ll be fine!

also, if you’ve been feeling like youre trans for over 5 years, i bet youre probably not cis. questioning your identity is common, but i thing it would be very rare for a cis person to identify as trans for that long, not saying its impossible but yeah.

my advice for figuring out your identity is to consider yourself in an ideal world, where you can choose to be any gender you want and have any body you want. if you could choose to be a guy, or be genderless, or be a girl, etc, would you? can you see yourself living comfortably as female for the rest of your life, or do you want something else? consider both your internal feelings and how you interact with other people, how you wish you existed within society as far as your gender. thinking about your present internal feelings can often be difficult and confusing, but if you think about it in terms of the future, and who you are externally to others, it can help you figure it out.

good luck! let me know if you have any more specific questions!

[letstalkaboutshtufff]

Ubbe x reader Protecting you

Pairing: Ubbe x reader

Summary: Reader is a slave who has a hard time behaving. An incident at dinner has her scared and running away from Ivar. Ubbe decides to help her.

Warnings: Mentions of slavery, abuse, death, freezing, mild cursing.

**********************************************

Hey guys! I couldn't sleep so I wrote this instead lol, hope you like it😚

"You should watch what you say y/n, especially in front of Ivar, he can be very cruel" Calise warned as you rolled your eyes for the millionth time.

"How many times do I have to say it Calise?! Just because some foreign bastards stole me from my home and made me a slave doesn't mean I can just accept it. I'm a human being, not property. If one of those bastard brothers tries to hurt me they will be the ones who are sorry" you huffed setting down a large bucket of dish water.

Calise tsked nodding her head, "You won't last long with that attitude... believe me you weren't the first slave to think she wouldn't bend, but these men can be savages and they will not hesitate to beat you into submission.." she sighed when you didnt reply and continued washing silently.

In your mind you were seething. You understood that you couldn't just go around picking fights but you weren't going to be treated like dirt either. Ugh why were the gods punishing you like this?

You decided to try your best at keeping a low profile until a chance of escaping arose. After all if no one noticed you it wouldn't be that difficult to sneak away one night.

Alright brain, are you listening? No more smart mouthed comments. No more under the breath insults. And for the love of gods, no more dirty glares! Let's try to stay alive long enough to escape shall we?

**********************************************

That night you stood behind the chairs of the royal family as they ate and conversed happily. A rare occasion honestly, it was not often that all the brothers got along this well.

Ubbe was more sensible and to be honest you did not mind him much. Hviserk was for the most part ok, his comments about women sometimes made you clench your teeth. Sigurd wasnt that interesting to be honest, and then there was the devilish one known as Ivar, that one you had to be wary of, you had seen him almost choke to death a servant for spilling soup over him.

Your eyes roamed around the hall. Gods standing around was so boring... the first thing you were gonna do when you escaped was relax in a hot bath and feast on the fattiest foods. None of that leftover meat slop you slaves were fed.

Sometimes when you guys were cleaning up you would sneak some food in your mouth quickly. Calise scolded you everytime but hey, the gods taught not to be wasteful. In your eyes you were doing a good thing.

"Are you deaf slave?" A sudden sharp voice cut into your thoughts.

Shit...

"Sorry, how may I serve you prince Ivar.." you quickly stepped forward.

"My cup is empty" he motioned holding it up mockingly.

This asshole is lucky I don't have my knife anymore...

You quickly filled his cup with ale, a simple task really. No one could've imagined what would happen next.

When you felt a wandering hand over your ass you acted on instinct. No you didnt even stop to think that slapping the craziest man in kattegat was a bad idea.

You stood there eyes wider than saucers. Frozen like a deer as you watched Ivars stunned face turn from the side slowly, a red welt already appearing on his pale skin. Fuck.

You took one giant step back suddenly afraid that he would stab you with a dinner knife right then and there.

"M-my prince, I'm so sorry I did-" you were abruptly cut off when he shot out of his chair, a wild look of murder in his eyes.

Fuck you were done for. Great job you managed to keep yourself in check for like what 7 minutes?!

"Ivar stop!" Aslaug tried to calm him down but he was already out of his chair and limping towards you dangerously. Afraid of him and what he could do you whipped around and darted past a shocked Calise out into the brisk winters air.

You could hear shouting behind you but you were too frightened to stop. Although you probably made it ten times worse by running away. Should you have just stayed and taken the beating?

Surely the brothers or the queen would've intervened before things got too out of hand. You shook your head. Well none of that mattered now, you had to hide before he found you. Gods for a cripple, he sure was fast.

You cursed as another ruthless wind made you shiver. Only a thin dress protected you from the harsh weather. Great instead of being beaten to death you were gonna freeze to death.

Maybe it was better that way.. even if you left kattegat, it's not like you had anywhere else to go. And being captured by bandits on the road didnt seem appealing either. For all your past bravery you were feeling pretty terrified right now.

You hid behind a house taking a deep breath. Ok so you couldn't ask anyone for help for surely they would turn you in. After all no one would risk protecting you for Ivars wrath.

A barn near the house caught your eye, and you immediately snuck through the crack in the door and pulled it shut.

There were some piles of hay, a table for crafting tools of some sort, and above it all was a semi sealed attic.

Seeing no ladder you quickly piled some hay until it was tall enough to climb on. You also pulled as much as you could up with you to cover yourself.

By this point your hands were starting to burn. But you feared going back more than freezing. So you scooched back as far as you could, almost hidden completely and pulled the hay onto your shaking body. It wasn't the furs you slept with but it would have to do.

Wrapping your arms tight you prayed to the gods that you would somehow survive this or at least die a quick death.

At some point the cold turned into burning and then you felt nothing. You couldn't even feel your eyelids as they drooped shut.

**********************************************

"Ivar calm down, she's new she doesn't know how to be a proper slave yet" Ubbe stood blocking the door. The only thing standing between him and your certain death.

"I agree, she doesn't know, so she must be taught a lesson" Ivar growled and tried to push past his brother once more.

Aslaug gently placed a hand on his back, "Ivar please, she is just a slave, she is not worth it"

Ubbe could tell he was starting to calm down, especially when his mother spoke he always listened.

"Ivar you're right, she does need to learn but please, let me go and deal with her" Ubbe pleaded.

Ivar glared at his brother a few moments before sighing and shoving his arm off.

"Fine, just promise me you wont be too easy on her brother" he grumbled making his way back to the chair.

Ubbe sighed in relief and made his way outside. He started to worry because it was heavily snowing and from what he saw you were only dressed in a thin dress.

He actually had no intention of "dealing with you" as Ivar had demanded. In all honesty he thought you reacted as any insulted girl would. It just so happened because you were a slave it wasnt permitted.

Later on after he found you he would probably have a good laugh about this with his brothers. After all it wasnt everyday someone stood up to Ivar the boneless.

**********************************************

Ubbe had been searching far into the night now, no one he asked had any clue where the girl was and he was starting to lose hope.

Part of him wanted to give up and warm up by the fire in his house but part of him knew you would die if he did. He was far too kind to let that happen. So with a sigh he rubbed his hands together trying to generate some heat before he set off again.

**********************************************

Ubbe lightly shook your numb body as he tried his best to bring you to conciousness.

"Wake up, c'mon woman this is not a good place to die" he lightly slapped your cheek.

He clicked his tongue when you didnt even flinch.

He pulled off his outer fur and gently wrapped you in it. Carefully he lifted a hand behind your back and under your knees. Adjusting you until you lay safely in his arms.

He decided to take care of you himself seeing as it was the middle of the night and his house was much closer than the hall. Plus it wasnt a good idea to be around Ivar right now.

He kicked open the door and gently layed you down by the firepit. He got to work lighting it and gathered all the warmest furs he could find.

Once he had you wrapped up in several layers he grabbed a pillow and made himself comfortable beside you. For a moment he just stared at your face, wondering what your name was, where you came from, what you were thinking when you slapped Ivar. The last one made him smile. You were an interesting one indeed.

********************************************

Death felt cozy...? It was warm and comforting, like the first day of spring after a long winter.

You felt softness everywhere, like a bunch of tiny kittens were cuddling into you. If this was death, this must of been heaven. The smell of wood was soothing, reminding you of your home and the sounds were peaceful. The crackling, singing of birds, snoring....wait a minute...snoring???

Your eyes flew open as the realization that were in fact very much alive sunk in. You could see a wooden ceiling and tried to sit up but someone had piled what had to have been 1000 furs on you, making you feel like a swaddled baby. A very hot and sweaty baby. You tried to lift them off but your arms felt like jelly.

Ubbe heard the commotion and was awake in an instant.

He almost laughed as he watched you wiggle around like a trapped worm.

"Easy now, you're still recovering" Ubbes unmistakable voice echoed through the room.

You twisted around until your eyes landed on his amused ones.

"Prince Ubbe?" Ok now you were officially confused.

"Here" he scooted closer and started removing a few of the layers. When you moved to sit up he placed a hand on your back supporting you. You nodded a thank you and cleared your throat. It felt dry like you hadn't drank water in days.

As if he read your mind the prince reached over to a table where he poured water from a pitcher into a small cup then handed it to you.

After gulping the whole thing down you suddenly felt very awkward as he was just staring at you.

" Um Prince Ubbe?" You looked up.

"Yes?"

"What am I doing here.." he let out a tiny laugh which only confused you more.

"You mean you don't remember?" He asked smirking.

"Remember? I don't know what you are talk-.......Oh my god I slapped Ivar!!" you shrieked in disbelief as the memories started to piece back together again.

You suddenly felt very unsafe and began scrambling to get up. What if he was waiting for you to get up just so he could torture you.

As soon as you stood up you felt a wave of dizziness pass and found yourself pitching to the side.

"Woah slow down" Ubbe effortlessly caught you and guided you back onto the ground. "You need to rest, your body has been through a lot." Ubbe said with his hands still supporting you.

You were about to protest when he held a finger to your lips, "Shh listen to me, my brother is not going to hurt you I give you my word." He promised pulling away slightly but still staying close.

You visibly relaxed at his words. Out of all the brothers Ubbe did seem the most trustworthy and kind.

"Although he did say that I should teach you a lesson" he meant it as a joke but you tended up immediately, ready to run again. He quickly noticed and shook his head smiling, "Don't worry, I think you almost freezing to death was punishment enough...how do you feel by the way?" He asked with genuine concern in his eyes.

"I'm fine I think...but I still don't understand how I came to be here with you.." all you remembered was crawling into that barn and feeling so tired.

"After you ran out we calmed down my brother and I convinced him to let me handle you. I searched for you a long time before I got lucky and happened to spot you curled up in the corner. You were nearly dead, I didn't waste time and brought you here to my home. I have to say I am quite surprised you are up already considering how unresponsive you were last night."

As he finished speaking you felt suddenly very vulnerable. All your life you had been on your own. You took care of yourself because that was all you knew. And in one night he had cared for you more than your own parents did your childhood. Suddenly you felt bad for every bad thought of him that ever ran through your mind.

"Thank you...you saved my life and somehow saved me from Ivars wrath as well. You must be a magic prince or something, definitely my new favorite" you let out a tired laugh.

His eyes lit up in amusement. You certainly were an interesting one indeed.

"As long as you don't make a habit of slapping princes I promise nothing will happen to you"

You wanted to believe that but you were a slave, anyone on the street could beat you and no one would bat an eye.

"You can't promise that....I mean no offense but I'm a slave, anyone has the right to punish me with the littlest excuse and no one would care.." you were getting angry at the thought of how many slaves you saw get brutally punished for simple mistakes.

Ubbe was quiet for a moment then shrugged his shoulders, "Then I guess I have no choice"

You tilted your head at his non chalant attitude.

"What do you mean?" You questioned.

"I'll just have to make you mine" he said it as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Make me his? What is he talking about??

"If I convince my mother to give me you as a personal slave I would be able to watch over you. Down the road I would be able to free you and you could still serve and work for me if you wish."

You sat wide eyed at his words, was he being serious right now??

"You want me to be your slave...? And then you would free me..?"

He nodded his head confirming it.

"I've been in need of someone around the house anyway however I'm not looking for someone to force. If you agree, you would work and I would pay you. But you would be free to do as you please. What do you say"

You were stunned, this man had not only saved your life, he protected you, nursed you and now he was giving you your freedom!?

Again your instincts took over and before you knew what you were doing you launched yourself onto his body gripping him in the tightest hug possible.

"I say yes! Thank you my prince!!" You squeezed him still in disbelief.

He was not expecting that and let out a surprised laugh. When you realized what you had just done you shuffled back embarrassed.

"Ubbe, call me Ubbe from now on" he smiled before opening his mouth again, "Now I think I should know the name of the woman I'm going to be spending alot of time with yeah?"

You looked into his eyes and for the first time you felt so hopeful for the future, "Y/n..my name is Y/n".

He smirked and for the first time in your life you felt those tiny fluttering butterflies that all the girls had talked about.

Oh dear so this was what having a crush on someone felt like..

**********************************************

Thank you for reading! Please lemme know what you thought in the comments 💕

[princessjungeun]

First Kisses: Lia x Reader

Request: hii may i request reader and lia's first kiss on a ferris wheel date full fluff please&thankyou💛

You and Lia had been on a few dates before today but they weren’t official. This one was your first real date with her as your girlfriend.

“I don’t know what to do. Help me! HELLO?!” You clapped your hands in front of Chaeryoung who was completely zoned out. The perk of your girlfriend being in a girl group is having 4 other friends to calm you down when you’re nervous about dates. Chaeryeong sat up and said “I’m sorry I stopped listening three hours ago.” You groaned and walked out of her room looking for anyone else that could help you.

Ryujin sat on the couch watching a drama with Yuna asleep omg her shoulder. “Ryujin I need advice.” She paused her show and gave you her full attention “what’s wrong?”. You responded “Lia and I have our first real date tonight and I’m scared.” She snorted thinking you were joking but when she saw you were serious she patted your shoulder. “Y/N don’t be worried. Lia unnie likes you a lot. Plus haven’t you guys been on like five dates already?” You whined “but this is the first real one!” She laughed and said “ok well Lia has been stressed about it too which is why Yeji took her to the Han River for a walk. So just go home, change, come get her in an hour, and enjoy yourselves. She’s your girlfriend who likes you very much ok? You’ll be fine.” You sigh feeling relieved that someone here could help you.

•

•

•

You looked at your reflection in the mirror and tied your shirt in the front for a little bit of flare. “Ouuuu look at you! You two are definitely gonna kiss tonight with you looking like THAT!” Your roommate Somi shouted from the doorway of your room. You rolled your eyes “Yah! You’re so embarrassing Somi-ah, go away.” She laughed and walked back to the kitchen probably to make more food.

When you got to ITZY’s dorm you could hear Yuna loudly yelling about something. Lia was waiting outside in front of the door. Before you could ask she replied “they’re arguing over who’s getting the last slice of pizza.” To be honest your not surprised to hear that. “Where are we going?” You asked Lia as you two walked together. She responded “you’ll see when we get there.”

When you arrived at the destination you saw it was an amusement park. The both of you rode most of the rides and played a few games. You both walked to the ferris wheel which was Lia’s favorite. You both got in and the ride started.

You complained “I think I should have won. The balloon most definitely popped.” Lia laughed and interlocked her hand with yours “baby...you threw the dart and the worker stepped on a balloon trying not to get hit.” You frowned “but I wanted to win you a teddy bear.” She leaned into you, laying her head on your chest, “I don’t need one of those teddy bears when I have you as my own.”

You felt your heartbeat speed up the second she said that. Her hand played with a thread on your ripped jeans and she said “your heart is beating really fast.” Your hand held her’s and you replied “it always does that when I’m with you.” She sat back up and faced you.

You simply stared at her with loving eyes, studying her face intently. “Y/N-ah don’t look at me like that.” She spoke softly, her voice shaky. You responded “don’t move you have something right-” You pecked her softly on the lips, “there.” You saw her cheeks warm up and you cooed “awww is my baby embarrassed?” She hid her face in your neck, kissing your skin softly.

She kept her head in the crook of your neck and after a moment of silence you asked “was that your first kiss?” She didn’t respond. You looked back at her and said “It was wasnt it?” She still didn’t respond. “Juliaaaa, tell me.” She finally spoke “yeah...it kinda was.” You smiled “and...how was it?” She responded “perfect. Just like you.”

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

undefined

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[yslkook]

I am the person who asked about cultural appropriation and I felt so much better after seeing your post. I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it shouldn’t be used to invalidate other people’s opinions. I have been a kpop fan for a long time and I remember when ddududdudu came out I was a huge blackpink fan back then and I saw the bindi and I felt kind of weird. I didn’t know how to react but I didn’t really like it. I was young and a bit naïve so I think that was my first real exposure to cultural appropriation. I didn’t really acknowledge it before because it wasn’t people I look up to doing it. And I had my reasons for being offended. 1.) I have experienced a lot of racism as an Indian living abroad and have been called all sorts of slurs for being too Indian so I don’t feel comfortable wearing a bindi but others could and when I went online they were praised for their amazing outfits and looks 2.) I had never seen blackpink address their Indian fans or anything to do with Indian culture. Then I went on Twitter hoping to see other people maybe speak up about it but oh my god it was a messsss. People were losing their shit over how it wasn’t even Indian culture cuz it was just a gem and then also that it doesn’t matter cuz Indians don’t even mind if others wear bindis. And there were non-Indian people defending their faves so fiercely to the point they started insulting Indian culture and i was so scared. I was in a kpop group chat back then and I mentioned there that I didn’t like it and they were okay with that. But after seeing what happened on Twitter, I felt a bit scared that people might think I overreacted so I literally told them that ‘I was feeling bitchy’ and ‘forget what I said’. I really invalidated myself and my opinions even though I personally felt offended. Over the years I have realised how big of a problem this is, not just in kpop, but in the media we’re exposed to in general. But it’s more frustrating to see the idols that tell me they love their fans equally and love everyone also take freely from my culture and not give back. I’m at the point where I don’t feel like a fan because kpop is not catered towards someone like me. And whenever I have tried to educate others, people take it upon themselves to shut me out. Like I’m not even trying to cancel your faves, just educate them but for some reason as soon as certain fans hear cultural appropriation they go into full attack mode thinking that their faves are being cancelled. And this made me realise that there is so much hypocrisy and internalised racism present to this day, not just against Indians but so many other minorities. A lot of kpop fans also have double standards when it comes to racism. Even if they support artists of colour, they can still be racist. It’s sad because kpop has grown so much and have a large audience of young people who look up to them. And when these idols get away with feigning ignorance, their fans think that’s it’s okay to do the same too. It’s a dangerous concept for a generation that should be advancing with their thinking, not going back in time. Also I’m really sorry the ask became so long. I might as well have submitted an essay. I had to talk to someone about this after I saw someone tell me that I should be happy that kpop idols wear bindis because they look good in it....meanwhile if I wear it, I get called things I can’t even say on here. Some people just don’t seem to understand that. Also, I know that I mentioned blackpink a lot here but that’s because I used to be a blink so that was my personal experience with them. I know there are groups out there who have done worse and it just makes me sadder. I am put off of kpop but I really do enjoy the music and the whole fun of being a kpop fan. But the ignorance that runs through the kpop industry and some of the fans too really can’t be ignored.

yeah its definitely jarring for elements of your culture to be thrown in your face while people outside of your culture are praised for taking the same things that others would bully you for. a lot of fans seem to be quick to call out racism and xenophobia against kpop idols (which is a very real thing obviously) but turn a blind eye when there are clear instances of 1. fandom racism 2. cultural appropriation and racism being perpetuated by idols/companies

the original intent of cancel culture makes sense, but i feel like now the conversation stems around the fear of being cancelled rather than accepting accountability and doing better moving forward. people are allowed to grow and change...but dismissing that the wrongdoing even happened is not the way. ive mainly heard about this kind of devotion/behavior on twitter though (no wonder kpop stans have a bad name when the first thing that comes to mind is kpop twitter). i feel like people on here are pretty good about not brushing this to the side

you definitely didnt overreact by just calling out that it wasnt okay and it was also wrong for people to say it was just a "gem" lmaoooo wtf. and you obviously cant just make a generalized statement to say that indians dont mind...who is anyone to say that. even a south asian who doesnt mind that much doesnt have the right to say that all indians dont mind if others wear the bindi...because people can have differing opinions (in my opinion). but its pretty obvious when things do and dont belong

you probably didnt send me an ask for unsolicited advice but ill give it to you anyway- anyone (in real life or on the internet) who makes you feel like your lived experiences dont matter are not worth your time. you know your intentions are good by calling bad things out when you see it. if paying attention to kpop on twitter is affecting you that badly, then maybe take a step back and see how you feel. anything that is affecting your internal peace should be re-assessed, protect your peace!! i agree with you, the ignorance cant and shouldnt be ignored by idols/companies and fans!

as far as engaging with kpop despite all of this...it's up to you to determine what level of engagement you want to have. it's definitely very off putting but these days, is no ethical consumption i feel lmao. maybe it would help if you found a niche of fandom that you're comfortable with engaging in. i feel like people on here are very cool and not quick to dismiss things

and no worries about writing a long ask LMAO bc i wrote one right back and had to include a read more...