#but i’d never tell them everything
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oversharing in the tags pls scroll unless you’re nosy <33
#it’s insane how fast your life can become a total fucking mess#i think the last month and a half has officially been the worst time of my life so far#it’s only been a few weeks and it feels like i’ve lived an extra ten years#i mean i don’t think i was ever having a great time#but jesus christ every day is something else#and i don’t even want to put that into the universe because i know it can get exponentially worse#i used to pray that nothing went really wrong in my life because i know i couldn’t handle it#and i think i’m reaching the point of not being able to handle it#there’s only ever been one other time in my life that i’ve been so miserable that i could barely function#and at least that time the circumstances were my own fault#but this time so much of what’s wrong is out of my control#and it’s exacerbating all the other issues i’ve been pushing aside for my whole life#it feels so cringe to post this but i don’t have anyone to talk to besides my mom and kinda sorta my dad#but i’d never tell them everything#and obviously i’m not even saying close to everything here#UGH i’m just so over it i want to lock myself in my room forever and ever and ever
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I think one of the most realistic parts about Baby Reindeer (2024) is how much Donny downplays the abuse he faces
I know everyone wants to hate on him for being “stupid” and blame him for everything that happened because yes from an outsiders perspective he made questionable choices but isn’t that what HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE DO?
I know so many people who’ve “played nice” or tried to downplay abusive behavior. You try and tell yourself “It wasn’t that bad”, or that it was just some crazy experience that should be forgotten. It seems so much easier to stay silent and just try to move on.
You don’t wanna start problems
You don’t wanna be mean
You don’t wanna be the bad guy
#they blame him for not just telling her to fuck off every chance#I’ve seen people say he shouldn’t have kept giving her free drinks#or even he should’ve never given her tea#AS IF SHOWING BASIC KINDNESS WAS THE PROBLEM#people forget that he was still a victim#Donny’s character admits that he messed up in his interactions with Martha but people need to stop and think about the situation#the fear the anxiety everything that comes with being stalked#I know I’ve dealt with creepy guys at work or at school and I didn’t say anything#and so many other people have had the same experiences#it’s easy to say oh I’d do this or I’d do that#when it’s not happening to you it’s easy to assume you’d be better and smarter than them#baby reindeer
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I might actually open my inbox for the first time in [undetermined specific amount of months] there’s over 500 unread asks in there ;-; I’m rly touched so many people have been reaching out to me even when I haven’t been here
#I was thinking today how it always used to help me when I’d ask for F/O reassurance and I’d get a flood of nice asks#an anon told me Luke would carry his butterfly knife on him to make me feel safe. and I never forgot that#that sticks with me dude I think about that EVERY TIME I see Luke#it makes me feel so safe with him in a way that I felt incapable of feeling safe with him before#another anon said Colt’s lovestruck expression towards Jody is how he’d look at me. and it helps me feel better 🥺😭#and I think about my signature anons and all of my friends and just generally really nice bloggers who follow and send support#and I miss that. receiving nice asks genuinely always helped me feel so much calmer during the storm#or turtle anon and clover anon going into depth about how Ken is built for love and not violence. and all the stuff they said based on that#it helps! everything people say to me helps me feel so much better with my F/Os#fic anon my beloved guardian angel in my inbox literally writing whole entire stories for me#<- btw fic anon if you’re reading this. I didn’t forget about my promise! I’m gonna doodle you something special#idk if you’ve sent anything recently I haven’t opened my inbox in a few months#but yeah anyone out there who’s ever sent me a nice ask. thank you so much#it helps me hold on a little longer if I think about all the nice things ppl say to me#orange heart anon and maple leaf anon my beloveds#sunflower anon the literal ray of sunshine that you are#anyone who’s ever left me nice messages I always remember and look back on them#esp because I spent SO LONG trapped with someone who would tell me how my F/Os would find enjoyment in hurting me solely bc they love me#and I learned that I’m only loved thru violence. and it’s so. hard. to try to unlearn that#but reading people telling me otherwise helps me a lot. and I need to get back into that#woof
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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I’m going insane I actually can’t believe them !!!!
#dora daily#she always sides with my sister#why ? Bc I raised my voice at that spoiled brat to tell her to keep her name out of my mouth AND SHE TELLS ME TO SHUSH ONE HUNDRED TIMES#like a girl eight years younger telling me to shush ? are you freaking kidding me b#and then I raised my voice at her a little more mind you I wasn’t screaming#and I told her she’s so stupid because she can see I’m so distressed and upset yet she’s the victim#SHES THE VICTIM bnbdnskwosksa#she’s always the victim#I’m always the villain with them#I hate her#I hate herrrrrrrrr#she always gets away with everything I always have to suck up to that spoiled brat eight years my junior and be nice to her and all that#it’s not fair why must I cater to her cruelty#and she is cruel even tho she’s so much younger than me#she’s so cruel and rude and mean and she actually hits me really hard and I just have to sit there and take it#and everything’s always my fault#my mum started siding with me briefly acting like the two sides thing for like a year#then she’s back to how she was before#like this girl gets away with things because apparently she’s a baby she’s almost TWELVE#I can’t do this anymore#I never could’ve ever gotten away with these things even if I wanted to#like I’m so numb to her to all of them when they say those things I just accept the fact that it’ll always be like this#but logically speaking it’s NOT FAIR#my mum can say I’m her favourite all she wants but she’s a liar and she doesn’t even know it herself#or she does and she’s lying#oh why am I even complaining at this point#why haven’t I given up already on her on both of them#my sister is scary because she gets everything#if only my mum aborted her too along with the other two#please I’d have such a better life with so much less trauma
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So like, wanted to make a lil post about my general orientation cause I’ve been thinking about it for a bit, cause like, okay, so I use the labels “queer” because other labels like asexual and demisexual sort of feel right in the way that yeah a worn left shoe still fits on your right foot and you can walk on it, but its not entirely a perfect fit.
So like, i have sexual urges and some sexual attraction to fictional cjaracters, but I have MORE of a sexual attraction to individual kinks and fetishes and the one that gets me goin the BEST is entirely physically impossible. Out of both of my partners I dont think I could ever visualize having sex with either of them, no matter how close our romantic bond is. Its just not something I think i’d be interested in, but also sometimes I wish I did have someone I was interested in like that, but I’m pretty sure i’d never find them. I dont really find human faces attractive??? If that makes sense?? I mean sometimes I definitely get gender envy from faces, but like, when it comes to sex i only sometimes find genitals themselves sexy, but im not really sexually attracted to the rest of the body unless it’s fictional (often times 2D). I find myself most sexually attracted to the idea of *sensations* like the *feeling* of being pinned down or being constricted rather than the actual physical body? If that makes any amount of sense, so I dont think i’d ever find another real human being sexually attractive.
Now, as for romantic orientation, i’ve settled on demiromantic for now cause i dont feel comfortable dating someone if I havent known them for at least a *little bit* first, so like- awkward first dates with someone you met online just are NOT it for me. I cannot imagine gettting into a relationship with someone I barely know. Now of course i am in a poly relationship with 2 lovely partners, and my feelings towards that are admittedly complicated. Thats not to say i dont LOVE them, I do! Its just that as I see how the world around me feels and describes “Love”, I realize I dont feel it the same.
For me, Love is a choice. I chose to love my partners. They are lovely people who make me laugh and smile and feel like a warm summer’s day, but i chose to fall in love with them. It wasnt some “oh i simply cant control my love I must be together with you!�� It was a very firm, I care for this person more than i care for my family, I love them and they almsot are family to me. I chose to love them. I choose to be in a relationship with them, and they love me back. And admittedly, I feel guilty because I’m worried my type of love may not sound like real or genuine Love, when to me, it is!
Its the kind of love thats almost platonic, but I chose to say it is romantic, because I want to do inherently societally romantic things with them! So, i love them romantically!
But lets say if either wanted to break up with me for whatever reason, sure, I’d maybe be a little sad, but i dont know if i’d be truly devastated? Like, if they decide not to label our relationship as romantic and wish to become platonic, i think that’d be okay. They’re still in my life, and i still care about them the same amount! I dont think it would change anything if we continued to be friends! We just wouldnt do as romantic things, but I dont feel the dynamic would change much at all except that our “dates” would become playonic and we probably wouldnt kiss (not that i kiss much to begin with cause of *trauma*)
But if they wanted to end the friendship *entirely*???? Then i’d be upset for WEEKS. MONTHS maybe even! *years* knowing my track record. If they never wanted to talk to me again i think I might explode. Honestly i’m more worried about THAT happening than a breakup.
Its a messy, complicated thing, and honestly it may lean more toward aro than demi, but yeah. Thats my feelings!!! They’re… weird.
#aromantic#demiromantic#asexual#pride#queer#mild nsft discussions#i also have a hard time understanding or articulating deeper emotions like attraction#but i wouldnt say imm attracted to either of my partners romantically or sexually#i mean sure they’re cute and pretty and i tell them as such#but their appearance was never a factor in me deciding to love them#and its not that im ‘convincing’ myself that i love them#i do! its just a different kind of love#its decisive love i guess#and i suppose thats why i wouldnt say i ‘love’ my girlfriend’s partner#i mean i do care about her absolutely!#but i dont know her as well yet so i dont have the emotions needed to decide that im ‘in love’#okay like- love to me is like having a favorite character#sort of#if that makes sense?#its like ‘yeah oh my god i love you!!!!’#and thinking that yeah. i’d live my lufe with you and be happy with that#but not in an ‘im settling’ kind of way#idk its a MESS and im still learning and meditating about myself and how i feel about everything#sexuality discussion#orientation discussion#if anyone has their own experiences that are similar i’d love to hear maybe!#cause i feel very alone in these feelings sometimes
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Can’t wait for my drivers license to arrive so I can be driving legally again for the first time in 1.5 years!
#for legal reasons this is a joke#SO THIS IS WHATS UP#as a youngin#a young adult one might say#I was starting to learn that some systems are bullshit when I’d previously been a pretty big rule-follower#my mom showing me how to navigate the healthcare system a bit/showing me how student loans legit have practices to confuse and fuck us over#also im really bad at getting things in on time (this is an important fact)#so when I see that my drivers license is abt to expire. I’m like ‘Oup gotta get that done!’ then promptly forget abt it#next time I remember it’s 3 months expired.#I check the date and realize that wait! in a year imma be turning 21 and just one yr after that Real ID’s will become mandatory (im p sure)#so I decide to push off renewing my license! I think that the whole process will b annoying asf bc I’ve only dealt with the DMV in-person#and it SUCKED and took forever. I’m thinking that if I renew my drivers license right on/after my 21st birthday I can knock out two birds#with one stone: I can get it as a Real ID and I can get an updated picture that’s flipped sideways so getting age-checked is faster#little do i know: it’s v much illegal to be driving around with an expired license!#I drive around for a year (over a year? I don’t remember when I first realized it was expired) j having fun#then one month b4 my 21st birthday I get into an abroad study thing and have to get my passport. which I realize is also expired. and#realize that to renew my passport I have to have a valid drivers license. At this point I also realize how fucked I could be if I get pulled#over with my expired license. so I check out the process for DL renewal and rejoice! it’s online!#AND THANK FUCK I CHECKED THEN. bc if I had waited LITERALLY two more days I would not have been able to renew online and would’ve had to go#in-person. and there were no in-person appointments until after my 21st. and I learned in this process abt the fines my state applies when u#renew a DL late and ALSO that u have to entirely retake the test/redo all the paperwork shit if it’s expired for too long. I would’ve had to#retake the test n everything if I’d gone past my bday. I was also in another state for college. idk how incoherent these ramblings are but#basically I would’ve been Ultra Fucked. anyways! got that figured out#renewed the DL and had it sent to my home. then da house floods and crime goes up in the neighborhood and my DL ends up either being lost#Or tossed (with other flood-damaged things) or stolen.#I don’t realize this for 4 months bc I am silly. also in college out-of-state. also other reasons.#finally got around to calling DMV and telling them that my DL never arrived… 6 months after I renewed it!#and they were v sweet and are resending me my DL for free. so in the next few weeks I shall finally b driving legally again#!!!! the end#mypost
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Spoke to someone I don’t know over the phone, 11 dead, 32 injured
#I’m all flowery on here but in real life conversation I am the driest most uncomfortably pragmatic person alive#I’ve been scolded for being so task-focused that I forgot to say hello to the secretaries in high school when I went to do a task#or for having an “attitude” with my parents (often when I was purposefully trying to appear humble with an “idk” voice)#so I’ve amended that by fake laughing at everything and keeping my customer service voice on All The Time#0/10 it works flawlessly but I’ve also made myself into a socially anxious doormat#I’ve been the one to break it to people that their friend died on more than one occasion and I always feel bad about how I do it#I usually just blurt it out because I don’t know how to lead up to it other than saying “maybe you should sit down for this”#it would be wrong if I knew and didn’t tell them#so it has to be me… you know?#I’m so disconnected from any feelings of grief (I’ve never felt bereavement in my life) that it feels wrong for it to be me#because I’m physically incapable of sharing in their pain and emotions; I literally don’t understand it#but sometimes I’ll cry reflexively if I see someone else crying even if I don’t have any actual feelings for them or their situation#I’m more disturbed by knowing of people who are alive going through pain than I am by knowing someone died#because death is natural; suffering isn’t#unless the person is a child or otherwise very young#but if they’re old and lived a fulfilling life I recognize they’ve had a fulfilling life and hope that my life#is as fulfilling as theirs was when I go#I’m not afraid of death; I’d just like to not go before I’m good and ready#When I go away I hope that I WANT to go away; you know?
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when gerard way said “when i grow up i want to be nothing at all” i felt those words in my gdamn soul bro
#cried alone in my car parked in my driveway for like 17 minutes#i feel so hopeless and useless and stupid so so so stupid i’ll never be smart enough like the other nurses#i can’t fucking think im too slow i don’t know anything#it’s the emergency room and god for fucking bid i have an emergent patient i don’t know wtf to do ever#i don’t know how to initiate protocols or contact interdisciplinary or put in complex orders i don’t know anything i’m so useless#everyone thinks i’m stupid i’ve been on orientation for like 2 months know and i’m still the same useless stupid novice airhead new grad#i just get so frazzled i feel like everyone expects so much out of me and i have to be perfect to meet their standards#but im stupid im subpar im not good enough like them like#ever if they’ve been nurses for years and i’ve only been working as one for legit 2 months it’s just i still don’t know how to do anything#it’s like i can’t think i don’t do things how they want me to do them and then i look stupid im the attending doctor thinks i’m so dumb but#she wouldn’t even hear me out like i know you want both fluids running i know it’s important but he only has.1 IV and they aren’t compatible#we’re trying to start a second IV and he had difficult veins like why are you trying to tell me i’m stupid i know why you ordered it thatway#it’s like nobody gets my dumbass brain but that’s not their fault bc they can think clearly and convey their thoughts to people without#sounding like a fucking dumbass i have no critical thinking skills im just useless i hate this so much i don’t want to be here it sucks#i never wanted to be a nurse i never wanted to be anything i was 12 years old hoping i’d be dead by 18#and now i’m 23 and i’m still fucking here but it’s clear i shouldn’t be i don’t fit in im not fit for society#i should be euthanized like an unwanted dog that’s been at the shelter for too long that’s exactly what i am#20min later still crying can’t stop being a fucking crybaby pitypartying myself i’m the worst oh my god grow the fuck up already#why is everything so difficult for me why can’t i just fit in literally everyone knows i don’t belong#i’m the dumbest most useless new grad orientee and EVERYONE knows it even management it’s so embarrassing#i’m so embarrassed to be alive and take up space that could be filled by someone so much better smarter prepared someone meant to be there#i don’t want this i don’t want any of this i never wanted to grow up im just a kid in my head i’m so pathetic#i wish i was smart and good at something i wish people looked at me and thought o wow i respect her bc she’s also a good nurse#nobody likes me i’m such a burden to everyone the doctors my preceptors other nurses who deserve to be there#i’m leaking snot everywhere today wasn’t even that bad but i think it’s all just hitting me now how helpless i am#i’m so tired of myself and waking up and making a fool of myself every shift fucking stupid loser i hate myself i try so hard and it’s not#it’s not enough it’s never enough im not enough im an imposter i’ll never be as good as the other nurses even tho i’m really really trying#i seriously don’t want to do this anymore i don’t want to be here i can’t do it everyone knows i’m not cut out for this they all talk shit#ramblings
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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System littles upon seeing tangled being played at a place where we’re volunteering: we *must* watch tangled right nOw!!! It is imperative,,, so you know how important tangled is? We must watch it if we want to live,,,
Me: you watched it last night, let’s wait until we get home when we aren’t busy.
System littles: but… tangled? It’s literally right there, plus all these strangers are boooring, tangled isn’t. We love tangled we should watch tangled.
Me: we literally have just under two hours left, we’ll watch it then
System littles: no, we must see it now and we’re gonna sing the flower gleam and glow song until we can watch the movie. *continues to sing the healing incantation while running around the front room until we get home*
Me: puts on tangled
System littles, immediately upon settling in to watch the show: tangled is stupid I wanna watch Moana so I can watch the silly chicken
Me, internally, as I switch the show: *sigh* all that singing for what 😭
#Alyxx speaks#I love our littles#they mean everything to me#however sometimes I question their choices#I’d never tell them that tho. so long as they’re having fun and not hurting nobody#that and I want them to have the childhood that I never got to have#did#did osdd#did system#osdd did#actually did#complex did#did alter#did community#did memes#did positivity#did stuff#did/osdd#didosdd#hc did#osdd system#osddid#actually osdd#osdd#osdd 1b#osdd 1a#osdd alter#osdd community#osdd memes#osdd positivity
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kazumaji nation, if the pairing were to be canonized in y8, how do you imagine it happening? either realistically or ideally. go
#PLEASE tell me your ideas#I will put mine in the tags in a moment#kazumaji#yakuza#yakuza 8#rgg#goro majima#kazuma kiryu#also please don’t respond to this with just ‘it won’t happen’ or something man like. you can be Honest but I’d rather hear ideas that are#POSSIBLE- that doesn’t mean they absolutely 100% will happen or something. tldr: just have fun#personally I am somewhat hopeful for something vague yet There at the end associated with kiryu’s retirement/general fate#like realistically something like.. majima getting genuinely upset with him because of how tired he is of kiryu being away from him in such#a way that he never can totally be sure if he’s alive or dead or if he’s ever going to see him again- because let’s be real they are#IMPORTANT to one another and I think BOTH of them would be affected by all the death scares and the loneliness when they’re apart. they’ve#been odd but fundamental pillars in one another’s lives for like… 30 years? 35?#even if they’re apart I don’t think kiryu could deny at least for the past decade he could go to majima for help no matter the situation#and he would drop everything to help him#I don’t think majima is nearly as hopeful about having his feelings reciprocated or really about anyone truly loving him in General but#he sure as hell knows how far he’d go for kiryu regardless of that fact. why do you think he’s been single and not looking#at anyone else romantically for literally decades.#so yeah anyway point is. realistically I think that would come up very emotionally and would hopefully end in kiryu holding him real tight#and reassuring him that he’s not going anywhere. not again. not without him. he promises#something something wherever they go in the end they go together. that’s also the only way I can see majima actually being content to any#degree in retirement from such a high-risk life#that’s. one idea anyway. I have many ideas. but that one comes to mind as a realistic option cause it’s romantic but not overtly enough to#have to worry about censors particularly or anything like that. believe me though I’d much prefer if they finally got to fucking kiss after#35 god damn years. I think majima needs and deserves that. both of them do but especially majima because i really think he feels hopeless as#it stands right now both about his love for kiryu that he can’t seem to shake and about being lovable by anyone in general#he seriously seriously needs this. being all over the place and never settling may be fun but it really doesn’t help the emptiness inside#and the loneliness. and the self loathing. and purposelessness. and so on.
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#i! feel! so! disconnected! from everything and everyone#and it’s so god damn annoying#I either feel nothing at all or everything at once and I can’t balance it#but if I take the time to sit with the things I’m scared of I’ll just keel over I don’t have time for it#Im just on autopilot moving ahead#because I have to! if I don’t my fear will win from me and that will Not be pretty#and that’s what I’m so upset about like I didn’t get something I really wanted#and it’s fully because of anxiety but the alternative is WORSE#and the people involved don’t KNOW I have anxiety but I can’t tell them either because it will make them look at me differently and I can’t#afford them to. I can’t let that happen and I think this is the first time I’m realising how much it holds me back even after uni#and I’m so angry over it dndndnd so so so angry and if they KNEW how much I had gone through no one would ever doubt my ability to —#bounce back and take charge of a situation ever again. they’d know I can do that. But it’s too private to share so now it’s up to me to#BELIEVE it and just show them but it takes so much out of me every time#and if it weren’t for the pandemic I would’ve been much further along and if it weren’t for my fucking burnout I’d have been further along#and it weren’t for my Fucking dad I’d be further along. I’m just so mad#so mad that I have to undo and tackle so much when people just sail through things but for me EVERYTHING takes effort#also I have not seen or spoken to my dad since December and I have a wedding he’s attending and I can’t get out of it#and I constantly pingpong between ‘its for the best I broke off contact I needed the space to heal’ and ‘I am a horrible person for taking#his only daughter away from him instead of talking’#but I’ve TRIED the talking and he just never LISTENS????? and made me feel so unsafe in this world at all times#I’m constantly trying to undo all that and it’s exhausting and no one gets how much effort that takes and I can’t tell them either#like. not gonna unload my trauma on people but if they KNEW they’d get why I don’t always react optimally to things the way they do#aaarffggHhhhHHHhHhhh#also I’m not even enjoying festa I’m not tuned in at ALL and that’s also deeply upsetting but there’s no other way atm#Also. did a thing in PFPT today that. I feel complicated things and I’m just upset about the way my life’s been until now#its making me feel worse than I was expecting#oh AND I was on a trip with friends I’ve had for 16+ years and they all were so happy to be together#felt so connected with each other and it was familiar and safe and lovely they said#meanwhile I cried at 3am in the bathroom because I had never felt more alienated from them ever#I know who /I/ am and what I want and don’t want but the dissonance with the rest of the world….. what the fuck man. What is my place even
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The Incredible Hulk (1968) #252
#I’m really enjoying the conflict here#that the Hulk came to help his friends but they think his presence is just making things worse and they can handle it on their own#which does seem to hurt the Hulk’s feelings because they don’t appreciate what he’s just gone through to try to help them#and then that the Hulk’s upset that his friends would tell him not to hurt people that are actively hurting him#and therefore that his friends are prioritizing other people over him#it’s not that his friends never get concerned about the Hulk getting hurt but I’d say it’s exceedingly rare#because the Hulk’s proved that he’s able to survive everything he’s already experienced#so over time the fear that someone will succeed in killing him gets diminished#and pain is temporary and so isn’t as much of a big deal#I think it’s interesting to have the Hulk pick up on that while his friends are concerned about him#that doesn’t really exceed their concern for the people around him#and who’s is more deserving of sympathy- the Hulk or the person he’s fighting#isn’t always a simple question with a simple answer#marvel#bruce banner#betty ross#rick jones#fred sloan#thunderbolt ross#my posts#comic panels
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AITA for banning my husband and father in law from the delivery room due to their intensely stressful/creepy behavior during my pregnancy?
There’s a famous Reddit post from 2020 where a pregnant woman wrote that her husband and father-in-law were a little too comfortable with their certainty that she was absolutely going to die in childbirth just like her husband’s late mother. It was to the point where her FIL was insisting that she go ahead and put all her clothes into storage, because she was obviously going to die in the hospital and it would save them the grief of packing up her things afterwards. Like. It was WILD.
When I tell my husband [that she feels suspicious of her FIL], he calls me paranoid, but I feel like my FIL WANTS me to die; his whole life identity for the past 35 years has been “amazing single dad” (never dated or had close friends or even hobbies really), and it seems like he’s looking forward to being able to guide my husband through what he went through. At this point, I’d honestly be happy to never see my FIL again, and I certainly don’t want him in the delivery room, especially since he told me he was “putting [his] foot down” about me not being “allowed” to have an epidural…. My husband, in addition to backing his dad on everything, acts like my due date is my death date, and has completely pulled away from me.
The commenters (and me, honestly) were convinced that the husband and FIL were either going to kill her outright to fulfill this expectation, or just make decisions about her care that might conveniently let her die.
And then she never posted again.
Over the last four years, people have frequently mentioned that post, always leading to a thread of people saying, “Oh god, I still worry about that woman.” I did too. It became one of those famous unresolved posts that people always wondered about.
Until yesterday, when someone on r/BestOfRedditorUpdates dug up a 2022 update she had posted on a different account:
TLDR; I had a beautiful and healthy baby girl, and I divorced my ex-husband. I lived, obviously.
She writes that she put her foot down about having her own mother in the delivery room rather than her FIL (!), and she WOULD be getting an epidural. Her husband lost his shit. And in his outburst, he let slip--
I admittedly lost my temper, and told him that I wasn’t going to die- it wasn’t my fault his father’s trauma wormed it’s way into his head, and that he needed to fix it without taking it out on me. He yelled at me that he didn’t need therapy. That caught me a little off guard; I asked him why he went to his therapist and was given advice about my death if he felt he didn’t need it. His expression gave it away, and he caved not long after. It turns out there was no therapist. It was just his dad. During the times he was supposed to be at therapy, he was with his dad. I’m still fuming.
And that was when she got the fuck out.
I’ll wrap this up- I’ve got an adorable little toddler tugging at my leg atm. I’m alive, I’m happy, and I’ve got my baby in my arms. Life is good.
I truly never thought we'd see a resolution to this, and I feel like there's probably a good number of people who remember it, so I thought you might want to know.
ETA: Brilliantly, I put the link in at the top; here it is again for convenience.
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#if she says I’m ‘so strict’ or that I’m ‘no fun’ or any other kind of insult#I don’t know how much longer I can hold a semblance of peace#a long time ago when our relationship really started to break#I have a vague memory of her trying to say I’d be good and be so loved by the kids and all this other stuff#now all of a sudden she laughs as I tell a small child fo not stand on the couch#and I’m strict. and because I don’t want small children’s meals interrupted I’m no fun#you’re really helping me out here in spiraling and wondering if I’m even worth it to these kids#thanks for making me question everything I’ll ever say or do around them ever again#!!!!!!!#because your voice is going to circle every thought or action before I ever say anything!!#I’d be more than happy if I never saw her for the rest of her days.#why do family relationships have to break and make you miss thr childhood wonder of not knowing who someone really is#nobody’s listening L
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