#and the people involved don’t KNOW I have anxiety but I can’t tell them either because it will make them look at me differently and I can’t

[hobisexually]

x

[affableramen]

Hiii! I love your writing, it has a nice flow to and fits together so beautifully. I was wondering if you would consider taking this request.

The reader and Pantalone are both in the Fatui. They aren’t exactly in a relationship, but their relationship status is definitely beyond just being acquaintances and even friends. So far beyond that like gossip began to spread around the Fatui and even the public. So basically after all that, the reader decides to distance from Pantalone(about like a month or so idk make however long you want). But then one day he comes to knock on the reader’s office door, and without wanting to cause any scene, the reader lets him in. And honestly from there you can write a range from fluff to nsfw content, either would be fine. Thank you!!!

(Preferably make the reader female)

You knew that sooner or later it would come to public that your and Pantalone’s relationship was not strictly businesslike. Although it started the most professional way, you two being comrades, despite the differences in rank, age and power, still had a potential to bloom into something less conservative and more intimate. Dating a Harbinger obviously had its positive impact, for instance being constantly protected and secured from outer threats. No one would dare to lift their finger at someone who’s standing in a Harbinger’s shadow. Unfortunately the negative sides showed themselves eventually, too. Despite feeling secured and confident in your physical safety, you started having minor inconveniences. Such minor inconveniences only seemed so at first flance, and later they started to grow more and more irritating, causing not only anxiety to you but big distress to the Fatui organisation in general. Not to Pantalone, though – he didn't care.

“Do you spread your legs for every rich businessman or is it only Regrator?” female employees inquired with sardonic smiles. The amount of inappropriate comments like that would only grow with each passing day, and honestly, it slowly became unbearable. 

“I saw them walk together late at night. Can you imagine? Unmarried woman walking with a Harbinger at dark times alone.”

The most infuriating thing about all this was not just their comment, but the truth. In all your relationship period with Pantalone you have never been involved with him sexually! But those fools just wanted to humiliate you in front of everyone. You didn't even know if it had reached Pantalone’s ears, and hopefully it didn't – otherwise you’d die of embarrassment.

One day you lost all your patience and headed to his office. It was time when you’d tell him you wanted a break. “Just a month or two”, you think, “it won’t be forever.”

When you entered his private room and closed the door with a soft click, you already noticed a slight frown on Pantalone’s face as if he already knew what you were going to tell.

“Sit”, he demanded you. You took a sit in front of his desk, while Pantalone was finishing some of his paperwork. With his free hand he pushed a cup of tea in your direction, one that’s specifically prepared for you. 

“Thanks”, that hot cup of tea was soothing and could definitely make a difference to this cold day. But unfortunately it couldn't influence the tension bulding between you two. Pantalone suspected your fears long before and subconsciously he knew that this relationship would harm you and your honour. 

He put his pen and ink away and turned his gaze at you.

“You really can’t just ignore those comments, hm? I knew you’re too caring for taking risks like that. After all, a Harbinger is a public personaa and is a subject to be discussed publicly. His private life, too.”

“You seem to not be affected.”

“I am hundreds years old, my dear. Surely you don’t think I worry about my reputation that much? Please, I have done so many things that would scare people much more than dating a mortal woman who has just recently joined Fatui.”

You took a sip from the cup not breaking an eye contact with him.

“Perhaps you’re right. Yet I fail to see how we’re going to solve this drama gathering around us. The only solution I could suggest you is to part for a while.”

“You want me to leave you alone?” The mere mention of the words would make him sick to the stomach yet he kept his composure quite well. You wouldn't lie and say you felt nothing. The sickness washed over you just at the thought of stopping any informal interaction with the Harbinger.

“Surely you don’t think it’s a good reason for us to take a pause, no?” A slight hint of possessiveness and unwillingness to separate himself from you appeared on his face.

“I know how it sounds, but Pantalone, we can’t possibly work when everyone around us just keeps plotting. Have you heard what they say about me? They just keep saying how I spread my legs for every Harbinger in 10 metre radius.”

“Darling, why’d you prefer listening to some…. randoms, instead of listening to your partner, hm? I really fail to understand you sometimes.”

You rubbed the bridge of your nose.

“Oh Pants, you really don’t get what it means to a woman? Especially to someone who just joined the ranks, and got immediately mixed with a sack of shit?”

“Enough.”

“Are you saying I’m stupid?”

“Not stupid. Just too empathetic and sensitive.”

“What are you, then? Super chill and indifferent? Or are you just too cool to think of my problems?”

At that moment something inside Pantalone finally cracked inside and he squeezed his fist. It only took him a few seconds to visually suppress his anger before he got back to his friendly, appealing self. 

“Alright. If that makes you happy. Remember, though, you can always come back to me. Once you’re done with your sensitive attitude, that is.”

It was a recurrent Pulcinella’s monthly speech. He would gather everyone around, not only Harbingers but also the newly appointed recruits. You were sure it was something important and you did listen to the half of it, if not certain someone who would constantly distract you. As much as you tried to concentrate on the Rooster, you couldn't help but be bothered by a malicious gaze on your back. You decided to take action. Slowly turning your head to the size, you caught Pantalone’s gaze. Per usual, he was standing in the furthest corner, his silhouette hardly lit and almost completely coverd in thick shadow, yet the glimpse of his glasses was in order.

Pantalone was staring at you with a look that suggested he was either watching your every move or waiting for you to finally admit his presence. It was always difficult to indicate what was going through this man’s mind. Two weeks passed since the two of you stopped talking outside of work, and it took its toll on you, too. So partially you could understand his frustration.

When Rooster finished his speech you left the HQ with everyone else, but upon walking through the corridor you felt someone grip your wrist tightly.

“Hey, you-”

It was Pantalone. He pulled you closer, but not flush, just the distance between you to let him see your face clearly.

“May I ask you something?”

You were stunned. It was so informal, unprofessional and blunt – you’d never ever expect something like that from Regrator. You calmed yourself down, sighed and attempted to respond, but right at that moment, as if by a disgusting twist of fate, Rooster was walking exactly in your direction wih a few recruits accompanying him. He was eagerly explaining them their duties, it seemed. 

“Shit. We can’t let them see us like this”, you said and looked into Pantalone’s eyes, but he remained still, no idea as to how escape awkwardness. Quickly, you looked around and -bingo- there was a storage room just to your right. 

“What are you doing?” His voice was as flat as it used to be, yet he followed you without futher bickering.

Hastily, you grasped the edge of Pantalone’s fur coat and pulled him inside, closing the storage room behind you. Throught the door whole, you saw Rooster stop right near that damn storage room.

“Oh no, he’s not going to leave soon, is he?” You whispered to Pantalone. In attempt to turn to face him, you accidentally stood on an empty glass bottle of vodka left on the floor and landed… on Pantalone's lap.

He was sitting at the wooden chair in the centre of the storage room, definitely not expecting you fall at him like that. Bumping into his neck, you almost immediately pulled away as if you saw a ghost.

“Oh my god.”

A futile attempt to raise from his thighs was crushed by Rooster’s sudden exclamation outside:

“Oh my Goodness! Did you hear that?”

Pantalone immediately grabbed your shoulder and told you to be silent only with his lips. You froze and kept still, waiting for the wave of curious Fatui outside to pass. After a few moments it was impossible to ignore the fact that you were, indeed, on his lap, and he was on a chair, not really comfortable. But he was a Harbinger, and previously a thug, obviously he could show great deal of stamina?

You carefully turned your head to catch a glimpse of the happening outside through the door hole but Pantalone gripped you tightly, almost gluing you to the current position.

“Don’t. You. Dare. Move.”

Only then, after his explicit remark, you finally realised the problem. You were sitting on his thighs. Quite literally!

Your eyes widened at the feel of something hard growing somewhere in the middle of his thigh.

“Oh my god. Really, oh my god”.

You looked down, and then raise your eyes back at him – his Adam’s apple shifted quite vividly, he most obviously swallowed impatiently. You suddenly felt heat spreading through your chest. Pantalone, caught in the storage room, hiding with you. And you, straddling him with your hips mercilessly. If anyone saw this, they would never believe the original story, they’d rather consider you two having an intimate affair right here, in such a closed space. And as a matter of fact, no one would blame them for that.

You looked back at Pantalone’s face, he licked his dry lips as an animal in heat. You could feel how he struggles having you so dangerously close, right on top of him, when the both of you decide to take a break. It was so infuriatingly ironic. Yet you stood still, trying to not make things worse for him… and yourself.

Eventually the voices outside got farther away. You carefully stood up from Pantalone, and he shut his eyes for a moment, letting out a soft sigh of relief, probably. He adjusted his clothes, and you pushed the storage room open. No one was in the corridor, safe territory, absolutely. You pushed a stray lock of hair behind your ear and asked:

“So, what did you want to ask before we… erm…”

Pantalone fixed his glasses and stood up from the chair too. 

“Initially I wanted to clarify if you still want to keep our break due, or if you had changed your mind”, he approached you closer and cornered you to the wall, all in a blink of an eye. 

“I don’t think this break will ever work”, he said, extending his arm and placing it against the wall, next to your ear. “If you want to break up with me, at least find a more solid reason than dirty gossip”, Regrator leaned at close proximity to your cheek and trailed a line with his lips from your cheekbone down to your neck and stopped right there. You placed your hand on his chest in return, his pulse rate wild. 

“Fine, fine, stop you”, you punched him in the shoulder lightheartedly. “Let’s go back to work until we’re wanted.”

“If we do, you ought to accompany me, I’m afraid”, he extended his arm.

You rolled his eyes, silly.

“You wouldn't have it any other way, jealous mister?” 

The familiar touch to his gloved hand was filled with warmth and longing. 

[theartsynebulawhodoodles]

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[sykestarot]

what's holding you back? how should you move forward?

1-2-3 (left to right)

I do not own any of these images

Hi guys I felt this was the message that needed be heard this week and some of it got very specific. Lmk what you think! Thanks for stopping by ily!!

Pile 1

“it consumes my mind, it consumes my soul, it wants my life, it wants complete control” (8 of cups (rx); 8 of wands (rx; The Emperor; The Hermit; king of wands; The Star) This pile might struggle with mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety. When channeling your energy pile one I had a heavy chest and a hard time breathing. You could be pushing yourself too hard and not taking a break. Or avoiding taking a break because then you’ll see how much pain you’re in. Either way I feel very heavy energies with you. I see you feel stagnant in your life, but this is because you refuse to make changes because you feel comfortable in the routine or cycle you’re in. I’m also seeing for some of you, that you went through something hard recently and you’re keeping yourself hidden due to fears of it happening again. This situation led you to forget how much power you hold and how truly beautiful you are. I think you might expect life to happen for you, even though you’re not really leaving your house. Sometimes we have to make things happen for ourselves, although I do understand not wanting to because of the fear of the unknown. The advice that the cards give you is to remember how you sparkle. I feel like your current energy is the song I channeled but the energy you need to embody is bejeweled by Taylor Swift lol. Two very different energies. Spirit is telling you to lean on them and let go of the past, because holding onto that is only going to make your journey to the top slower. I’m also not sure if this situation involved a betrayal but spirit is also letting you know that two people’s perspectives that may differ on the same situation can both be true at the same time. I also see in this advice that this is a journey you have to go on alone. I understand how daunting this may feel but I promise you have the strength and the resilience to get through this. I keep hearing “I wish you could see the way you shine”. Signs: August; the number 8; 8 mile; Eminem?; blue sapphire; stardust the movie; Aquarius; girl in red?; insomnia; overthinking; stripped socks; dark room lit up by tv; “remember who you are” - lion king

Pile 2

"Je te laisserai des mots" (2 of swords (rx); 3 of swords; The High Priestess; The Empress (rx); Justice (rx); 8 of wands (rx)) Hi Pile 2! I feel like for you guys you recently went through a breakup, possibly with your first love, or someone you thought was your forever. Maybe you guys were on and off for a while and you really believe this person will come back. I see that in terms of what’s holding you back is that you don’t believe that you can live without this person and that’s not true. I see that you would’ve given this person the world. I hear that quote where one person says “you were a wonderful experience” and then the other person says, “you, you were everything.” And I feel like you’re the one saying that the other person was everything. Perhaps you're an artist and this person was your  muse and without them you feel like you can’t make your art anymore. I genuinely feel empty channeling your energy. I see that what’s holding you back is the idea that this person was the only reason you were successful, which couldn’t be further from the truth pile 2. You are worth so much more than what you create. I also feel that you only value yourself by how much you create or do and that you punish yourself for not meeting a certain quota. But because of the loss you’re going through right now you’re not meeting quotas because you’re hurt not because you are an unproductive being. If you leave this reading with one thing I hope that it is that you are worth so much more than just what you create. As far as advice goes for you I see that you need to place trust in the mysteries of life. Most times you don’t know what life has in store for you even if you think you do. Place trust in your heart and your gut feelings. Rest when you feel you need to and create when you feel the need to. I also see that your inner monologue could be hurting you, the pessimism in your mind could be keeping you in a cycle of self hatred and unproductivity and they're working hand in hand to keep you stagnant. Try to think more positively and be gentler with yourself and you’ll see progress almost immediately. I’m also seeing that when you step back and see the bigger picture you’ll find that everything happens for a reason, and almost every ending leads to a new beginning. I believe in you pile 2 you can do it!! Signs: 222’; piano; marble; fine arts; french?; museums; pine scent; guitar; the color blue; long distance; wishing on stars; turn back time; Romeo and Juliet; “it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all” ; paintings; indie

Pile 3

“keeping me from who I need to be, distracting me from what I need to do” Pile 3 I feel like for you what’s holding you back is your inability to admit that you are wrong about something. For you I see you continuing to try to do something that isn’t working and probably hasn’t worked for you either ever or for a long time. I see that for you your destiny holds much more than what you are doing. I see that you are going down a path that is filled with obstacles and you believe that it’s because it’ll give you a better success story when these obstacles are not even obstacles there more like road blocks. I see this pile is more of a career pile. I also feel like I can hear you while reading this immediately going, “pfft this isn’t for me”. If you thought this at all then this pile is exactly for you. I don’t know if someone told you that you wouldn’t make it in the line of work you’re in but I do see that you took that and made it the fire that lit you up. For most of you though this is a job that you can make it in but it won’t fulfill you in the way you think it will because at the end of the day I believe you don’t actually enjoy this job. SO if you feel like your life is stagnant or staying in the same place it’s because this career isn’t meant for you. I feel like you also know what career is meant for you and you’re being super stubborn. I also feel like when you talk to people you’re close to about your job issues they immediately bring up your other option of what you could be doing. Like if you’re a lawyer and it’s draining you and you tell your friend and they immediately go “oh what about the art you used to make you know you were great at that!” I also feel that this irritates you lol. I feel like you know and are aware of it at the very least. The universe has been sending you signs about this for what I believe could be years. But you do what you feel is right for you. As far as advice goes for you pile three I see it’s time to heal. Perhaps the reason you're staying in this job is because you feel the need to get recognition to stick it to the person who told you you couldn’t. That’s not necessarily the healthiest behavior for ourselves. I also see that you need to start thinking of laying something solid down for the rest of your life, so maybe this job is also not letting you provide for yourself or others and on top of all of that you don’t enjoy it? I think spirit wants you to think in long term goals and does this job or cycle let you pursue those? Spirit would also like you to know that you aren’t alone. I really heavily feel that given the opportunity your friends would love to support you in any endeavor and are probably rooting for you to leave this situation. So go ahead and reach out when you’re ready to leave!! Many people love you and only want the best for you, remember that. :)  Signs: October 6th; October; June; pumpkins; hammers; carpentry; wood?; post malone; trinkets; working with hands; toxic positivity; hard helmets; hammers; beer; heinekens

[ebisul]

Sterile Mandalore and my issues with the New Mandalore we see

I want to preface this by saying a lot of what’s wrong with Mandalore and the Mandalorians is fully Filoni’s fault (among a variety of other people involved) for being a bad storyteller. Also between brain fog, ADHD, and a severe anxiety disorder, I’m brute forcing my way to coherency.

This is in no way a defense of Death Watch or the history of imperialism. I won’t tolerate anyone comparing me to a terrorist organization for not liking the depiction of Mandalore under New Mandalorian rule or any particular Mandalorian Character, yes that has happened before.

As an overview, I will be going over the setting of Mandalore we see visually, a few of the characters and what those characters say about Mandalorian culture visually, as well as briefly touching on the Clones, and finally how each of these contribute to the Mandalore we see in The Clone Wars.

Now I wanted to write this because I actually deeply enjoy the Mandalorians as a culture, I think everything from the language to the armor to the Resol’nare, uncertain if thats canon, is absolutely fascinating. However, what we see in The Clone Wars has next to none of that outside of Death Watch, the terrorist organization.

The Setting of Mandalore

Mandalore the planet is primarily composed of harsh, seemingly uninhabitable deserts created from centuries upon centuries of war. What we do see of the civilization on Mandalore is primarily within the domed capital city of Sundari. Now there are a few things I wanna touch on here, primarily certain locations, such as the schools, the palace, and the overall visuals of the city, and the people, as a whole as well as individuals.

Beginning with the Schools,

We see schools on Mandalore at least twice in TCW, once during the poisonings when we see a cafeteria and once during our stint with Korkie where we see classrooms and dorms, and i have always hated the way they look. I will say that you could very well interpret the Royal Academy of Government to be a sort of military school, though given the New Mandalorians are all about peace and pacifism it would be an odd choice to send your nephew there.

Visually speaking, the schools are beyond dull. In the classroom we see Ahsoka teaching in, the entire room is gray, with nothing but the desks and a projector. Look at the kid in the front row! Thats how I feel looking at this room!! These are presumably either teenagers or young adults at a boarding school. Im not expecting much for a classroom but a dull dark gray, empty room is not conducive to learning.

I also want to note that they wear uniforms. Its totally normal for a boarding school to require uniforms, that makes sense, however, these uniforms have one singular interesting component and thats the iron heart. I can’t find an exact meaning behind the symbol outside of reddit so im hesitant to define it here, however what we do know is that the symbol is absolutely ancient. A significant part of Mandalorian history.

The rest of the uniform is similarly a dull cool gray, or perhaps a dull blue. And there doesn’t seem to be much individuality in the uniforms, that is outside of hair and whatever gambit-style headwear those kids are wearing at least, but even then they’re mostly all very similar hairstyles.

Im also electing to ignore that there are seemingly two separate sets of triplets here. I know it’s an animation shortcut. Still, they are still there and I can’t ignore them now.

Now, on to what I’m presuming is either a dorm or some sort of recreation or break room, I don’t remember much of the context and frankly you can’t tell from looks alone. I’m leaning toward a dorm because that was my first interpretation.

Regardless of what this room serves as, be it dorm or break room, its still void of character. If this were a dorm, we would have no indication of whose it could possibly be.

It looks like the light behind Korkie is a map of some sort, or something similar its unclear, but that and the neon lights above Soniee are the only sources of color. The red and blue can mean a lot of things but I genuinely don’t think there is a major purpose behind it. We already saw the two sets of triplets.

However, lighting is meant to mean something. In particular, red can mean many things, but given the visual context it reads as stress inducing, as danger. Particularly surrounding Korkie as it does.

Now blue lighting needed a quick google search, but my results for the meaning of blue lighting where a little unexpected. Blue is a typical calming color, similar to green, though can also be interpreted as depressing and cold like grays, and blue lighting can be representative of isolation and passivity. Ironically, this scene is anything but passive. Again, im not putting much weight into it but I feel its worth noting.

Ultimately, its entirely impersonal, slightly stress-inducing, and only marginally better than the classroom only because it had color. Now onto my most egregious example from the schools we see and my most despised, the cafeteria.

Do you see this shit? Where do i even start? My best guess is that these are approximately middle schoolers. If i went to this school I would willingly drink the poison. Their lunch looks like three tomatoes, three mystery cubes, and debatably either a cracker or a slice of cheese. Horrendous lunch. How is this acceptable to feed to children for a whole meal? Enough complaining about their lunches, though.

The cafeteria itself is offputting to say the least. Pure white. The children, pale and blonde, all wearing the exact same gray uniforms with only variation for the girls, because girl = skirts. It’s the picture of uniformity. Its horrific. The only color outside of the pitiful lunch is the monstrous poison drink nearly all children have. Probably bc theyre lunches are terrible.

This scene has two interpretations in my mind. The first is that its meant to be creepy as all hell, which is unlikely because we’re supposed to support New Mandalore. The second interpretation is that it was meant to look like the epitome of peace and serenity and utterly fails because it takes more than an overuse of the color white to represent innocence, purity, and peace.

How do you manage to make an entire school look like a cloning facility? In fact, I’m certain the cloning facility has more diversity than all of mandalore.

Now the issue with all of these areas of the schools on Mandalore is that they look like no place to teach a child. There are certain things that are conducive to learning and color is one of them! So is fostering individuality! There are specific things that make an environment suitable for learning and these schools have very few of them.

Now onto the Palace,

This will be a shorter segment than the previous. Although I will be lightly critical of Satine here. So to begin, we primarily see the throne room. In fact, im not even sure we see much else in the Palace of Sundari. We do see Satine’s rooms or office but I can’t find a picture of it so i won’t use the example.

Both of these images share a few things in common. First is the dramatic lighting, the otherwise empty throne room save for the chairs that seem to have been brought in, and the only color present outside of gray is Satine and/or her throne. Even Padme, notable fashion icon, is or appears to be wearing gray in these scenes.

The dramatic lighting in the first image is an obvious “Hey! These are the good guys!” and I can’t piece out a relevent meaning behind the second image so Im choosing to move forward because I think it is just that, lighting.

Now the throne room being utterly void will be clearer in the next image I attach. The issue with it being so empty is that it feels almost lifeless, cold. It doesn’t feel like a throne room visually speaking. This ties into the last thing these images have in common. Satine and her throne.

Within the gray permeating what seems to be most of Mandalore at this rate, Satine is the only source of actual color. Her clothes are these vibrant, beautiful blues and greens and purples. Her throne is a glowing beacon above everyone.

What does that say, when every one of her people is dressed in grays, beiges, and pale blues? Or when they all dress the same?

This is a better view of just how empty the throne room is. Theres more of the iron heart design, though still no real idea of the meaning further than it is significant, as well as the portrait of Satine. The only things in this image with color other than gray or biege are indications of Satine. But the throne room itself is almost entirely barren.

Whether or not you think this is any indication of her character one way or another thats up to you. My read on what this shows of her is that she is blinded by her own ideals, she doesnt truly see her people as they are, be that through ignorance or arrogance, and that allows the corruption to seep.

I wanted to show the hospital because I think thats a Good environment design for mandalore but i lost the picture. It is ironic that my example of good design is the one thats meant to be clinical.

Therefore, I’m moving on to the city at large

The city itself is incredibly industrial. I’m torn because I know it has to be like that to a degree but it also doesnt have to be like that. That’s a choice the designers made. The city of Sundari exists within a dome due to the uninhabitable deserts from years of war, that doesnt mean it must look so cold.

It just feels so lifeless. Colorless even. Ive noticed by now, and you probably have too, that my main issue seems to be coloring. Well, I wouldn’t say its my main issue but it’s definitely up there.

We’re supposed to think that Satine’s New Mandalore is Good. That it’s this vision of peace and prosperity. But where do we see that visually? Through industrialization? Thats not good!

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that Satine’s peace is a clear facade for all of the shady bullshit going on behind her back, but we should be able to see that in the enviroment.

We should be able to see the idyllic peacefulness and people’s enjoyment of their city. We should see that face and the shady underside. We shouldn’t just see drab gray with a splash of corruption. It just makes Satine look like a bad ruler.

Characters and What They’re Telling Us

I’m actually not starting this with a particular character. I’m going to begin with the Mandalorian people as a whole.

What a surprise! Theyre all blond white people! See I have a huge issue with the lack of diversity among humans on Mandalore for a few reasons. The first reason is the obvious, it’s fucking WEIRD. The second reason is that we know there are people of color who are mandalorian.

And on the one hand this really demonstrates my point. Everyone looks the same, everything is dull and empty. This isn’t prosperity.

The first example they look like theyre dressed in uniform. Every single one of them is wearing the exact same color. Thats not normal. In the second image, while they aren’t dressed uniformly, they are all dressed in grays and beiges. These people are Satine’s governing council. They’re supposed to high standing officials.

And that brings us back to The Duchess herself

I’m choosing to use her main outfit design for this. There will be no more images from here onwards because there is no space but I’m trusting you all to know what these characters look like.

Satine’s Dress can only truly be described as opulent. She dresses in shades of blue, purple, and green and elaborate headwear and accessories. Her hair is styled in a way characteristic of Kalevala, similarly to Korkie’s friend Lagos but more extravagant. The colors she wears are chosen to appear soothing and to honor the history of Mandalore’s forests and lakes.

But this isn’t something you might pick up on naturally. Remember this is a show for children. You would have to do the research to learn that. Without that information you could interpret her appearance any number of ways.

Between her headress and the color scheme, I would have confidently said she was peacock-like, had I not known the nuances. Character design needs to be something people can infer from. Something that lines up with the environment to tell a story.

That being said what her design is meant to tell us is that she greatly values the less violent aspects of Mandalore’s past. That she is trying to preserve and honor their history and Mandalore’s beauty.

The issue is that (from memory at least) the honoring forests and lakes never really is relevant? We see Peace Park but we’re never shown much about any restoration or preservation efforts of the planet itself. Did they just give up because its a “wasteland”? Were there no other alternatives? We were never given enough context, explicitly or implicitly.

And without the knowledge of what her design is supposed to mean, what is stopping anyone from misinterpreting it. What is stopping anyone from thinking she is just this haughty, holier than thou politician? Especially when you put her next to civilians or even her own council when she is already sat above them on her throne?

Satine’s design is essentially meant to show us her value to peace and progression but we arent really shown much progressing. We’re meant to just believe what we’re told rather than showing us the progress in, yknow, progress.

Now, Bo Katan

I chose specifically to include the sisters in this because I wanted to compare them, also bc obviously they are the most relevant. Bo’s design also demonstrates her values, admittedly way clearer than Satine’s.

She’s a traditionalist, someone who values the warrior ways, and yes also a terrorist. Thats not super relevant. Because she’s a traditionalist, it makes sense that her character design is rather simple in comparison to her sister, but they both honor the history of Mandalore all the same.

Mandalorian armor is equally as historical and significant as the iron heart itself, even so far as to have the two intrinsically intertwined, having the Iron Heart as part of the armor. I think most Mandalorian fans know this already.

Now, I want to take the armor paint color meanings with a grain of salt. Im not certain how canon any of it actually is even if the meanings do seem to hold up withon canon. However, the thing about the armor paint is that it sets the mandalorians apart as individuals while simultaneously tying them together as Mandalorians.

Bo’s armor is painted primarily blue and gray with white detailing and owl imagery to signify her Nite-Owls. Now in the EU the colors have meaning. Blue and gray mean reliabilty and mourning respectively. I think it would be in the Mandalorian culture’s best interests to keep this canon and even expand upon this.

This is because these unique paint schemes allow for individuality, community, and notable artistic expression. I mean, just look at Sabine. This contrasts with the uniformity of New Mandalore which just makes New Mandalore look really bad. Like really, really bad.

Next I want to look at Almec

So, Almec has two designs I want to look at. First is his usual outfit as Satine’s right hand and the second is his own armor.

Pre-betrayal, Almec wears an almost solidly white outfit, with gray, beige, and a dash of gold detailing. This design actually has two iron heart designs, one in his clothes and one in his hair. Outside of the iron heart, the design is very plain. The overuse of white is likely meant to give an illusion of purity and peace again. It doesn’t really work when he looks so clinical, though.

In his armor, Almec’s design is a stark contrast to the previous. He wears a light green, maybe gray, flight suit with black and gold armor. The reason I wanted to include this design for a number of reasons but specifically, the shoulder cord.

The gold shoulder cord gives Almec a more militaristic appearance, even in comparison to other armored mandalorians. This is actually a design detail I really enjoy because the gold shoulder cord essentially means “service to another” in the US military.

The colors black and gold in mandalorian armor represent justice and vengeance. Again, take that with a grain of salt, but I think more importantly this change actually makes Almec a more recognizable character. The armor is more personal than his prior outfit working under Satine as a New Mandalorian. It tells us more about who he is as a person.

On to Jango

Yes he is Mandalorian. I will not debate this I dont give a shit what George Lucas intended with him. I don’t even care what was said in TCW. Jango was canonically a mandalorian foundling. And yes I know they never show up really in relation to Mandalore, but Its important I mention them, I think.

So, we know in TCW, Jango isn’t considered a mandalorian by the New Mandalorians. They insist that he must have stolen the armor, that there’s no conceivable way he could be mandalorian. Except that we now have canonical confirmation that he was in fact a foundling.

See, here’s the issue with this, because in retrospect they’re basically denying a dead man his own identity and creed.

Jangos armor isnt really what I wanted to talk about in relation to Jango himself. Mostly I wanted to talk about what his character means for the New Mandalorians. Jango amd Boba are quite literally The Blueprint for Mandalorians. Except now we get more Mandalorians and they fully deny Jango his Mando-ness.

What, because he doesn’t align with their ideology? Jango wasn’t a great person by any means but being Mandalorian isn’t just a nationality. It’s something you’re taught.

Again this isn’t about the armor, it’s about the fact that he’s played by a Maori man. The first Mandalorian face we see is a brown man and that gives a real bad impression when you have a planet of White People claiming he isn’t even Mandalorian, why? Because he’s adopted? Because he was a bounty hunter?

The Clones

This section isn’t totally relevant so feel free to skip to the next, but i can only go so long without talking about them.

The clones themselves don’t have a strong tie to Mandalore, narratively speaking. However, they do have ties built into their appearances. More than just being clones of Jango.

They don’t speak Mando’a in canon and we aren’t totally sure who exactly trained them before Jango died, but we do have little hints from their character designs that indicate some connection to Mandalore or the Mandalorian culture.

Rex specifically is one of the few with jaig eyes. Jaig eyes are a Mandalorian honor symbol. And he’s not the only clone with this symbol, Blackout also has Jaig eyes on his helmet. Which leads me to believe this symbol is fairly common for troopers since its not terribly common we see clones sharing symbols without a personal connection to eachother.

Further than just that, clone trooper armor, phase 1 at least and presumably onward, is also based on Mandalorian armor. This is primarily because of the armor jango wears, naturally his clones would be fitted with similar. But the clones have also picked up the armor painting. Could this simply be a coincidence? Sure if you wanna believe that. I don’t think I do though because its so significant to both cultures as a means of individuality.

What does all of this say about Mandalore?

And I mean that as what is this telling us visually. What conclusions can you draw from this with just images. Because it doesn’t look great for New Mandalore. And maybe that was the intent. I know my first impression of Satine was just how unprofessional she was acting.

Except we’re supposed to see New Mandalore as the good guys, essentially, right? Riddled with corruption but still Good. That doesn’t translate when the setting is dystopian-esque at best. Its cold and empty and clinical.

When you see an entire planet of people who all look almost exactly the same, wearing the same clothes, the same hair, the same face, the same color skin, it gets unsettling. Its a weird design choice because it’s an American cartoon and America is characteristically individualistic.

The Bad Guy, the literal terrorist organization, caters more towards that visual individuality than the peaceful, progressive Good Guys. It visually reads as a Safety vs Freedom story but thats not the story that they need to be telling. You can’t go telling people freedom is evil.

It makes it incredibly easy to misconstrue what New Mandalore is trying to do because the visuals aren’t supporting them. There’s a reason so many people genuinely think Satine has comitted some sort of cultural genocide against her people because we aren’t seeing any of the culture and when we do see it, its not supported by the narrative. They may have Mandalorian writing but they never speak Mando’a on screen outside of Death Watch. We dont really know what the iron heart means and its everywhere. They may talk about prosperity and progress but they aren’t showing us that.

What I Would Do To Improve

This is the last segment, I promise.

I want to start with what could improve the background. Because a lot of the issue stem from it being dull and lifeless, I think giving it some sort of life would really fix a lot of the issues. Namely, I would say to put more trees, real, lush trees not the tiny ones you’d find in a city. It would help give context to Satine’s homage to the forests of mandalore if we had a visual clue from Mandalore itself. This would also bring in some more color and take away from the industrial appearance. This is more of a personal thing because I grew up around farms, but I think we should have seen a farm or some sort of clue as to how Mandalore is feeding itself. How is it sustaining itself, if not for import?

Another thing I would change would be the overall coloring. Generally, I would push for more color but I’m mostly referring to the color of the buildings. I would replace the cold gray and blues with more of a bronze and maybe a warm orange or even just changed the undertone of the blue could add so much. I would also give the lighting more warmth. Overall I would just add more warmth.

Adding onto this, I would also bring in more color by adding more public art. More murals and statues and the like. We know they have murals and paintings in the Palace at least. We should see them in the city, too. Having more art around the city would also connect it to the same cultural roots that have the mandalorians painting their armor.

In the schools, the main issue is that there’s no color. That these spaces dont have anything that would bring a sense of comfort to a kid. The stark white of the cafeteria is more stress inducing than calming and it would be good to replace some of that with a splash of color to break it up, as well as with some background decorations. Slap a poster on them there walls.

The classroom we see could also use just more decoration, make it look like a classroom. Have posters of diagrams and models. The room is dark so I won’t say much of the coloring except just make it look less cold. The back of the room has a wide, empty space and I think if that space were filled with something it would change a lot of the energy it gives off.

As for the dorm, if that is a dorm, give is an idea of whose room it is. Make it look like someone lives there. If it’s not a dorm, why are these kids sitting in a dark room? The room itself shouldn’t exude this uncomfortable feeling, that should be the undertone.

Overall, I think the Palace is generally fine if only it werent so empty, and again, if there were more color. The detailing and the lighting both look nice but it just needs to feel more like a throne room.

As for the people of Mandalore, for fuck’s sake, diversity is not going to kill you. Again its insane that all of the mandalorians of color we see are either A.) terrorists B.) deemed not mandalorian or C.) future cultists. We should see more black, brown, and Asian mandalorians. Hell, we should see alien mandalorians too.

Furthermore, they should have more variety in their clothes. What society wears all of three colors when they definitely have access to others? On top of that we should see Mandalorians who still wear pieces of armor. Armor is defensive, it’s not inherently violent to protect yourself and it honors the history of Mandalore while still moving forward with progress.

This is of course just my personal vision. These visuals can be interpreted in a number of ways, if you want to think the designs are good and exhibit peacefulness more power to you, I simply can’t see it. I tried my best to keep it to the Clone Wars series with a strict focus on the appearance, though that was a difficult challenge for me.

Anyways, I hope this was somewhat coherent and enjoyable. I’ve likely missed some details but this took me multiple days to organize my thoughts properly so im not pressed about it. Let me know your thoughts! Just be kind and don’t call me a terrorist :)

[crguang]

how do you think kafka would fall in love with her s/o? like what does she notice first and makes her want to know her future s/o more. would love to hear your thoughts

i love any excuse to yap about kafka let me think… imo to catch kafka’s attention you would have to stand out a little. she lives a very exciting life and i think she’d be attracted to bold personalities, people with a certain talent she admires, just someone who kinda stands out from the crowd in any way. that would pique her curiosity for sure, but i do think she loves boldness in general. someone who can tell her to go to hell? someone who isn’t afraid of her and who plays hard to get a little? she’d want you so bad. would go out of her way to get on your nerves because she wants your attention, and that can translate as either pissing you off by being annoying or being excessively flirty, suggestive, sending you lots of things… i think the first step or indication that kafka’s getting emotionally involved is her need for attention from her s/o and the time dedicated to you. shes not clingy but she’ll take the time to check up on you even if she’s worlds away by calling or texting just to talk to you, she asks questions like “miss me?” and stuff because she wants you to say yes, buys stuff that make her think of you, etc etc. the feelings come after you’ve built a corner for yourself in her mind. i headcanon kafka as someone who intellectualizes her feelings more than she feels them, so she’s able to tell how shes feelings without necessarily feeling the emotions, so in consequence of that she realizes them a bit late. emotions that are instantaneous like anger or disgust don’t require much intellectualization, but love is slow to build and it would certainly silently creep up on her until it’s too late to remove herself from the situation. i hc that love/romantic feelings are the one thing that will always surprise her, at least from her part. she doesn’t ask herself “do i have a crush on them…?” like most people would do, that introspection about her feelings wouldn’t come naturally to her because she doesn’t expect them. so by the time she realizes that she loves someone it’s like “oh. shit.” cause things just got complicated very quickly

kafka prides herself on knowing people, it’s part of her power/advantage over them and she just likes observing human nature in general so once she’s curious about you she will want to know you. knowledge eliminates surprises and i just feel like if she’s intrigued she’s certainly gonna do something about it. she has no shame or anxiety like 😭 she’ll approach you no problem depending on the context, but she’ll also spend a lot of time observing you. she’s good at reading people and their body language so trust she notices the little things, they all contribute in painting a picture of you in her mind which will in turn make her feel more in control. the thing with kafka imo is that control is very important to her, and you can’t have intimacy and control in a relationship; intimacy requires risk and vulnerability and she’ll never fully expose herself, but what’s a little annoying is that she’ll probably expect that from you. she understands you but you don’t necessarily understand her. this is how she treats her relationships and it kinda sucks because u can never have complete intimacy if there’s a power imbalance in terms of vulnerability. at least in social psychology lmfao

but yeah falling in love is a slow process and it’s definitely obvious cause we know how she acts when she cares (with the tb) and it’s made painfully clear, so if you pay a little attention to her behavior towards you vs others you’ll be able to realize it maybe even before she does 😭 it’s endearing really. i can’t tell you how exactly she’d fall in love bc it depends on the context but once the train is in motion there’s no stopping it

[nburkhardt]

Somebody Loves You, You Got a Friend (part 5)

Other parts: one, two, three, four.

I know I said in the last part we’re meeting the CC boys, but I forgot about this. So we get a bit of what’s happening outside of Steddie’s bubble! (We’re fast forwarding a bit, Steve’s like five-six months along. Also if anything doesn’t seem accurate to real life, pls ignore that oh and the show timeline…don’t look too closely pls 🫡)

Being in a small town is still sometimes stupid, Steve will always say this. Because of how fucking true it is.

It wasn’t too long ago when all the town could talk about was “poor Joyce Byers, her youngest is dead” and then found alive it switched immediately to “poor Barbra Holland, just so young” and now? Now it’s his family.

Thankfully the rumors and gossip is about his father leaving suddenly and not about him being pregnant at sixteen.

Currently he’s hiding his tiny baby bump, because according to the doctors, he’s thirteen weeks along and the other day he noticed his stomach rounding out. So, he’s taken up to wearing a bit bigger shirts and sweaters. Since the doctors and his mom told him scent blockers can be harmful, he’s had to stop taking them.

Instead, he helps mask his scent with Eddie’s scent.

“How you feeling today?” Eddie whispers to him, as he subtly scents him.

He shrugs and notices Nancy and Jonathan staring at him, turning away, “the nausea is better today, I think. Right now I’m really wanting a cheese pizza oh, and a chocolate brownie”

Eddie laughs and pushes him just enough to start walking, “good thing it’s lunch, then?”

They make their way out of the school, Steve hearing multiple people whispering about them but ignoring it. It’s not new that he’s friends with Eddie, plus he isn’t really ‘King Steve’ anymore either. If anything, being popular was a huge disappointment.

As they reach his car, they hear someone shouting Steve’s name. Confused, and not finding anyone immediately, Steve’s a little surprised to see that Nancy and Jonathan followed them.

“Um, what’s up?”

Nancy looks between him and Eddie then narrows her eyes, like she’s trying to figure something out. “We wanted to talk to you about something”

Confused even more, he looks between the other couple before glancing at Eddie, who’s just as confused. “Ok? Can’t you say it in front of Eddie?”

Jonathan shook his head, “uh, we can’t- probably shouldn’t. It’s- it’s about my brother”

That’s when it clicks, it’s about the stupid Upside Down.

Again.

Shaking his head, he hopes they can’t tell his scent is spiking with anxiety. Eddie immediately picks up on it though, “Stevie, we should leave before our lunch break is over, yeah?”

Thank god for Eddie.

“He’s right and I really want some pizza, maybe another time?” He’s lying, there’s not going to be a next time for as long as he can ignore them. He can’t be involved with them anymore, especially with the tiny life growing inside of him. “Come on, Eds”

Eddie gives the other two a blinding manic smile before climbing inside the car and Steve just smiles and then they’re gone.

They drive to the closest diner that serves pizza and brownies.

They’re in the furthest corner of the whole place and hidden behind a wall, giving them the privacy they’ve been wanting. Steve’s not at all hiding the fact that he’s scenting Eddie and Eddie has a hand on his stomach underneath the sweatshirt.

“You know, I was told you can’t feel anything yet. There’s like a few more weeks, then apparently you’ll be able to feel them moving and kicking” he whispers against Eddie’s neck, “have I told you I love your scent?”

The alpha chuckled, “yeah? Your scent is better, it’s even sweeter now”

Shaking his head, he sits up and looks at Eddie, “it changed?”

Before Eddie can answer, the pizza is there. Along with two brownies, which Steve immediately grabs a slice. “Uh yep, I never realized how good this was” he nearly moans at the pizza, then he eyes the brownie and grabs a piece.

“You aren’t-“

Nodding, he puts part of the brownie on top of his pizza and takes a bite. An overly satisfied smile on his face, causing Eddie to laugh and shake his head. They eat mostly in silence, especially since the omega is happily eating the pizza with the brownie on top.

It’s only once they’re back in Steve’s car heading back, when he remembers. “Hey, you said my scent changed. What does it smell like now?”

Eddie lets out a hum, leaning over and taking in his scent before answering, “there’s a hint of I think cinnamon? It’s really faint, I only notice it when we’re scenting each other”

“I’ll ask my mom about it, this is still all outta my knowledge. I knew some of it but there’s things I didn’t know. Like, your scent is overly calming to me? It’s weird, I mean, before even back when you shoved me in my car at that party, I really liked it but it didn’t calm me down.” He explained as he parked but didn’t move to get out, instead turned to face Eddie, “I already knew the basics for pregnancy and all that. But apparently the baby will be able to hear both of us? It’s so weird. This is weird”

Eddie laughed, reaching over to grab his hand, “it’s metal as fuck, pretty boy. You’re growing a human, like right now. I know it’s not what we wanted but, I’ll be honest, I’m so damn lucky it’s you.”

Almost immediately, his eyes start to sting as tears well up, rubbing at his eyes, he laughs before shaking his head. “Please don’t make me cry, you sappy alpha.”

Eddie grins, “Your sappy alpha, princess.”

A Week Later

The Harrington house is quiet and all three people are currently asleep. It’s only eight in the morning on a Sunday anyway.

Steve has his face shoved by Eddie’s neck, arms wrapped around the alpha and their legs tangled together, peacefully sleeping. Eddie’s just as peaceful, with one arm holding Steve close and the other is thrown over his eyes.

Steve’s mom, Janet, is waking up only because of their annoying doorbell going off. She huffs, pulling on a robe and stopping by Steve’s room to see the boys still asleep.

The bell rings again and she sighs, pulling their door shut before making her way to the front door to be met with Nancy Wheeler.

“Hello, can I help you?” She never formally met Steve’s ex-girlfriend. She was too busy helping her ex-husband.

The teen is shocked to see her, clearly and she doesn’t know how to school her emotions yet, because the girl looks disappointed that she answered the door, “uh- yes, i’m here to talk to Steve?”

Frowning, “I’m sorry but Steve is asleep right now, is this important?”

She can tell Nancy’s an alpha that hasn’t figured out a way to control her emotions, because the girl is still disappointed and it seems frustrated, “I just need to talk to Steve, you’re his mom, right?”

“I am, and I won’t be waking him up just for a chat. You can come back later or wait until school tomorrow” she’s just as frustrated, if not more. This is the girl that called her son ‘bullshit’ and she doesn’t ever want to see that sadness and that self-doubt in Steve again.

She watches as Nancy clench’s her jaw before trying and failing to school her face and straighten up, “I’m sorry ma’am, but this is important enough to wake him up. It- it’s about Will Byers and-“

Janet shakes her head and gives a sharp smile, “My son isn’t the police or involved with what happened to Will Byers and I won’t be waking him up just to see his ex-girlfriend.” And promptly shuts the door before Nancy can say anything else.

If she listens closely, she can hear Nancy let out a frustrated huff and walking away.

Shaking her head she doesn’t bother going back to sleep, goes into the kitchen to start on breakfast since the night before Steve mentioned craving pancakes.

The smell of bacon and pancakes is what helps wake Steve up, the other thing is the light kiss on his forehead.

Blinking away the sleep from his eyes, his lips curl into a smile at Eddie, the alpha is smiling at him and he can suddenly feel a hand rubbing at his waist and stomach, “good morning, Stevie”

“Morning Eds” he sighs and leans into him for a few seconds and then he’s bolting out of the bed and into the bathroom, throwing up last night’s dinner. Groaning he feels a hand start to rub up and down his back, “Eddie, I swear I’m never going through this again”

The alpha laughs then helps him up. After brushing teeth and putting on decent clothes, they find his mom humming softly to the radio and busy flipping pancakes. Despite the fact that he was just nauseous and didn’t want food, he wants nothing more than the food his mom is making.

“Oh! Good morning boys” she smiles and turns the burner off before pulling him into a hug with a kiss to his forehead, “how are you feeling, sweetie?”

Shrugging, “just weird, I guess?”

“Yeah, that won’t be changing much” she smiles, “come on, I have enough pancakes and bacon. Would either of you like eggs?”

As they’re eating and having small talk, it isn’t until Steve’s finished his food that his mom looks at him with a pinched look, “mom?”

She sighs and looks at him, “Sweetie, before you woke up someone came over looking for you. She was pretty determined to talk, but I told her no. I just wanted to let you know incase she shows up again”

Confused, he sees Eddie equally confused and before he can open his mouth to ask who, his mom says it, “it was your ex, Nancy, I don’t know what was so important. She said it was about Joyce’s son, but you aren’t involved with them.”

For a quick moment he panics at the thought of Nancy pulling him back in, but he’s been better at standing up for himself other than just relying on others.

He doesn’t bother waiting, he’s determined to stay out of their mess. He has more important things in life.

Eddie’s waiting in the car while he’s standing on the Wheeler’s porch. He takes a quick moment to control his breathing and then knocks on the door.

It’s thrown open by Mike, who immediately glared at him, “what are you doing here?”

Rolling his eyes, “your sister wanted to talk to me and so I’m here”

Mike rolls his own eyes before turning and yelling for Nancy, then he just stands there waiting and honestly just glares at him. It doesn’t bother him, it makes sense. Then before he knows it, Mike’s being pulled away and there’s Nancy.

“You can’t keep avoiding this, Steve. You’re in this now” is the first thing out of her mouth, “are you going to help? The kids almost got hurt without any help and I thought-“

“I went over to that house just to apologize to Jonathan, Nancy. Not to throw my life away fighting monsters, did you forget we’re also kids? I’m sixteen. You’re sixteen!” He’s never been ashamed to fight dirty, “I thought that the supergirl closed that stupid gate, anyway?”

He watches as Nancy’s frustration grows, and he suddenly realizes how much they wouldn’t work at all. Ever.

“It doesn’t matter! We need help and you’re in!”

Shaking his head, he decides it’s not worth fighting and just says, “it does matter and I’m out. I’m not your boyfriend, I’m not even your friend. Leave me alone and I’ll stay out of your way”

And he simply walks away.

—

That’s it for now! I’m sorry for making Nancy into this pushy person but I mean…she kinda is that way in canon? She’s an older sister with younger siblings so of course she doesn’t see that she’s still only a kid too. She’s pretty much like this throughout the whole fic btw 🫣

NEXT TIME for sure the CC boys make an appearance 😌 (just a heads up, the unnamed member is named Grant in this) 

 Taglist: @spectrum-spectre @itsfreakingbats @mysticcrownshipper @artiststarme @thereindeerlady @justforthedead89 @ronniescontinuum @freyaforestafay @littlewildflowerkitten @zerokrox-blog @callme-keys @maya-custodios-dionach @rajumat @yellowdevilkitten @munsonfamilyband @steddierthings @tartarusfairy @mx-jinxous @zombiethingy @lunaticmarunatic @izzy2210 @carlyv @thelittleclare @estrellami-1 @sierra-violet @grtwdsmwhr @epiclazershark @bookworm0690 @forest-fogg (if you would like to be added to this or the permanent tag list, let me know!!)

[aroace-polyshow]

HELLO OMG im so intrigued about hw actually and you have been talking about hw ruinene in particular so can i ask about what their history is like. what is their relationship currently. how are they doing. sorry if this question is a bit vague i can always reword it if needed!

FIRSTLY. THANK YOU OH MY GOD i’ve honestly been worried i’ve been too annoying about them dlkjfhjs BUT YAYYY SOMEONE IS INTERESTED YAHOO

anyway this is got SO FUCKING LONG so ramble is gonna be under the cut:

so to answer your question, the short answer is that they’re doing bad :D!! this is a nightcord/wxs swap after all.

for context in this swap au, rui was able to join nene’s theater group when they were younger!! nene wouldn’t join unless rui was allowed to as well, so begrudgingly the members let him join despite not liking him much bc they thought nene would be a good member. rui didn’t really want to join either, cause he could tell the members didn’t like him much, but nene really wanted him to and since didn’t want to stop her from joining, he agrees to it.

rui and the troupe don’t get along too much but they’re willing to deal with him to keep nene around and rui’s pretty content being able to do shows with nene. until nene has that fuck up on stage moment like she does in her canon past, but its made worse when rui tries to stand up for her. picture the wxs main story fight. something like that.

unfortunately the member rui ends up arguing with gets all up in rui’s face and provokes him into shoving them. the guy isn’t seriously injured or anything but that doesn’t matter much because now they have fuel for rumors to spread about him, that they knew they never should have let that weirdo kid join, they always knew he would hurt someone, etc, stuff like that. but nene’s involved too now!! given that she was his friend and ends up being the only one to stick around with him, rumors spread around her as well since not only did she ruin their show, she also hangs out with “that weirdo kid,” so she’s probably just as weird and dangerous. so they’re both stuck in this together throughout middle school. how fun :)

nene’s stage fright and social anxiety after that is fucking godawful. she can’t bring herself to sing anymore despite wanting to SO fucking badly, so she turns to composing as a hobby. she sort of takes on kanade’s role as the shut-in composer. girl is completely petrified of leaving the house. rui still makes robo-nene for her, so she doesn’t have to leave the house if she’s too scared to and can use it to go run errands or something with rui as company. my girl has so much self loathing in her about what happened and berates herself a lot. thinks of herself as horribly pathetic and cowardly. also so much guilt i will get into in a minute

rui meanwhile is really discouraged from doing shows after that. discouraged feels too light for it tbh. he still loves shows dearly but (pre main story at least) he is like. so convinced he won’t ever be able to and shouldn’t even try connecting with people after that. because if all his attempts are only going to lead to him and other people getting hurt, what’s the point? he’ll always be the weirdo kid no one trusts, and he knows he can’t do shows alone, and he’s kinda accepted that he’ll just be forever be lonely and isolated, aside from having nene with him. but that’s not rlly comforting to him bc of how guilty he feels about dragging her down with him.

speaking of which: time to bring up their mutual guilt!! good fucking lord they both have so much guilt inside them and despite how deeply they care about each other neither of them have ever heard of communicating‼️ they are both fully convinced they are at fault for what happened.

nene hates herself bc she feels like she pressured rui into joining, for messing her moment, for not being able to stand up for herself, for making rui do it for her and leading to what happened, and then STILL being so much of a coward that rui has to defend her throughout middle school. she feels like a burden to him and feels so so horribly guilty about it. he made a whole goddamn robot for her because of how scared she is to leave the house anymore after the harassment and she feels she does nothing for him in return.

rui on the other hand feels horribly guilty for making a stupid decision in the heat of the moment and dragging nene’s reputation down with his. he thinks if he hadn’t been there, if nene had never been friends with him, nene would never have gotten so much harassment. he thinks he deserves it all, but nene doesn’t. he’s really protective of her and took most of the heat when the harassment was really rough. he’s fully convinced he did this to her, that it’s his fault and the very least he could do for her is try to help her as much as he can. this is nightcord wxs so of course he wants to disappear but rui doesn’t less because he thinks nene would miss him and doesn’t want to make her sad (he cares so so much about her but bro’s convinced she should resent him for doing this to her, cause he definitely feels that way about himself) and more bc in his head, it’d be fucking shameful of him to try to take the easy way out. like, how dare he leave nene like that, when he’s the one that did this to her. how dare he abandon her when this entire situation is his fault.

nene’s also been the closest one to ever actually disappearing. she berates herself a lot for being too much of a coward to actually do it, to free rui of the burden that is her. she wants to both bc of the amount of guilt and self loathing she has but also just. feels really lost and aimless. like her dream was to be an actress, but she can barely leave the house anymore, so how is she even supposed to do that? like. she’s tired of living the way she does as a shut in. but at least she has music. she finds comfort in composing.

they’ve clearly stayed friends through it all, and they both care so so much about each other, but there’s a sort of wall between them after everything. they still tease each other and hang out together since they’re neighbors, and try to pretend everything’s stayed the same between them. they get better at not being so closed off to each other!! eventually!! but god starting odd neither of them EVER open up to each other. there’s rui who struggles to identify his own feelings in the first place and nene who doesn’t want to bother rui but generally they both just have the mindset of “i can’t trouble them more than i already have.”

when nene starts composing, rui’s really really happy for her. like he sees how miserable she’s been so her finally finding something she seems interested in makes him really really happy. and later once the group is fully formed, being able to do music videos makes him happy too. it’s not quite the same as doing shows obviously, but he’s happy he’s able to tell stories one way or another.

guhh. i hope this made sense and didn’t contradict too much. i’m probably missing stuff. that’s all the coherent stuff for now though. these horribly sad clowns who have never communicated in their lives…i’m insane about them…

anyway, a few miscellaneous facts about them:

nene is fucking ruthless online, especially when it comes to people even being slightly mean to rui.

nene switched to home schooling since middle school, after rui graduated from it.

rui picked out their online aliases, tako (octopus) and kurage (jellyfish). he likes sea animals and thought it’d be funny. nene did not seem to find it funny, but she kept the one he chose for her anyway.

rui’s also gotten really good at video games since he’s played them with nene for so long.

they stay over at each others houses quite a bit, and as they learn to not be so closed off to each other, staying over happens a lot more. if one of them feels like shit, all one of them needs to do is just text the other and no matter how late it is, the other will already be prepared with some spare blankets and maybe a few snacks. they might not always talk, but it’s comforting being in the presence of the other.

they came out to each other as aroace during a sleepover back in middle school. it really just went like:

“hey, rui?” “yeah?” “i think i’m aroace.” “oh. me too actually, i think.” “oh. okay.”

nene got to know mizuki a little bit, since she stayed close to rui during middle school. he introduced them to each other, nene still keeps in touch with them.

they have a hobby of trying new cup noodle flavors and combos together. they have a tier list and everything.

they both get anxious about arguments, but nene especially gets really panicky and nervous.

judas by abuse is hw core hw rui in particular. but there’s good lines that make me think of nene in there too. feel free to ask me for that ramble it’s been living in my brain

feel free to ask more stuff i’m more than happy to ramble

[ollieofthebeholder]

And If Thou Wilt, Forget: a TMA fanfic

Read from the beginning on Tumblr || AO3 || My Website

Chapter 38: Goal won with shortened breath

It helped. Not a lot, but it helped. Or at least, Tim thought it helped. Certainly Jon seemed a lot less paranoid and suspicious over the next week. Martin began relaxing and smiling more, and Sasha was paying better attention to her lunch breaks. Tim, for his part, felt calmer and less jumpy.

That ended abruptly when he came back from lunch and nearly slammed face first into Detective Alice “Daisy” Tonner, who didn’t even slow down long enough to snarl at him to get out of her way before she was storming off towards her vehicle. The Hunt on her was unmistakable, though, and radiating off her with her anger, and even knowing it was less likely to have made her do anything to Jon the first time around than any of the other twelve Fears would have wasn’t enough to stop his anxiety spiking. He’d rushed down to the Archives to find Jon shaken but ostensibly fine, and while he’d claimed nothing was wrong he had left early with what he said was a headache. The next day he’d been tense and snappish at both Martin and Tim for what he called hovering—admittedly, probably not undeservedly.

Tim’s own mood took a decided downturn when he picked up one of the statements needing research and saw the opening line: I’m sure you know what urban exploring is. He made sure not to let the others mess with this one, especially after he’d read through it. This was personal. Anyway, nobody else would have been able to get to talk to the Gallagher-Nelsons; telling them he’d lost his own brother to an urban exploration in a Robert Smirke building had opened a lot more doors. It turned out Erin and Danny had even met, briefly anyway. Not that Tim disclosed that to Jon. He’d promised to keep the conversation off the record, and even if he hadn’t, he definitely wasn’t going to let Jon get any closer to St. Paul’s or the ersatz rector than he could help. He turned in his research and went home.

“I have a feeling that whatever it was, it’s long gone,” he told Gerry that evening as they took Rowlf for a walk—Tim usually did it on his own, but Gerry had insisted and he hadn’t argued. “Whether it got used in the attempt at the Extinguished Sun or just didn’t have the energy to continue once all that dissipated, I don’t know, but there’s no point in going back to St. Paul’s to look for it. Not that I would anyway, that’s not how I want to die. But I can’t help thinking about that camera.”

“It’s probably long gone, too,” Gerry said. “The…rector, you said? Probably destroyed it.”

Tim shook his head. “I don’t think so. It captured the Shadow.”

“The what?”

“The thing that killed Luke Nelson.”

“Yeah, I figured, but you just said the Shadow with a capital S,” Gerry pointed out. “Where did you get that name from?”

Tim hesitated, just for a second. “I don’t know if it has an actual name. It just seems like a good one to use. But whatever it is, Ms. Gallagher-Nelson got it on film. You and I both know how rare that is.”

Gerry hummed. He didn’t look happy, but when he spoke, it was in a mild enough tone. “So what, you want to go talk to the rector and ask what he did with it?”

“I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the actual rector. Anyway, what would they have been doing there at five in the morning on a Wednesday? Their Wednesday services are at ten-thirty in the morning. And there’s no alarm on the sanctuary, I checked when I was there trying to talk to someone.” Tim paused while Rowlf cocked his leg against a street lamp. “No, it’s got to be one of two things. Either someone who knows about the Fourteen and was trying to keep her from falling into it worse took it from her so she wouldn’t get obsessed with it like Melanie King has done, or someone involved in the People’s Church of the Divine Host took it so they could use it for their ritual. I’m inclined towards the latter.”

“I’d love to hear your reasoning.”

“Robert Montauk. Those photographs he took that were part of the evidence. I’m thinking the Dark, even more than some of the other Fears, makes use of photographs in their rituals. If Erin Gallagher-Nelson had a camera that could actually catch Mister Pitch? For sure they would want that.”

“Please tell me you’re not contemplating chasing down the People’s Church of the Divine Host.”

“Not seriously, no,” Tim said honestly. He glanced up at the sky. “But it’s a quarter moon.”

Gerry followed his gaze. “Which means?”

“Which means there’s one other place we might be able to track it down.” Tim slipped his hand into Gerry’s and squeezed lightly. “Feel like checking out the Night Market with me?”

It was a Thursday night, which meant this was undoubtedly a terrible idea, but Tim found he couldn’t let it go. Gerry must have known that, because he didn’t take off his coat when they got home, just made sure Rowlf had water and food before coming back to Tim and taking his hand to lead him out the door. They took the Tube to the closest spot to where the Night Market had been before, then started walking.

“How did you find it before?” Gerry asked as they walked along the path, hand in hand. Tim could almost fool himself into believing it was just a regular romantic walk. “I mean, did you just stumble on it or…?”

“Just…random things Nonno told me. Old folk legends about hiding from the moon and dancing with your shadows, that kind of thing. Hard to explain.” Tim paused briefly to listen. “I think I hear it. Come on, around here.”

“I don’t hear anything,” Gerry said, but he followed Tim anyway.

It wasn’t like the last time. This time, when Tim stepped the quarter turn around the width of a shadow, he didn’t find himself standing directly in the center of the Night Market. He could still hear the muted bustle of the crowd, the stillness so reminiscent of a snowy day, but he stood on one side of a short arched tunnel that opened out on the other side into the rows of stalls. Which normally wouldn’t have made any sense; they’d fetched up against the side of the Putney Bridge, which didn’t have access to the other side from down here. Normally someone walking this path had to turn away from the river and walk a bit up the A219 before getting to a point where it was safe to cross. And Tim knew there was no marketplace on the other side of Putney Bridge. Nevertheless, the Night Market was there.

He took a deep breath and glanced up at Gerry. “Ready?”

Gerry didn’t answer for a moment. He simply remained where he was, staring straight ahead. Tim was about to assure him they didn’t have to do this if he didn’t want to when he said, very carefully, “Tim? Can you tell me what it is we’re looking at?”

Tim laced his fingers through Gerry’s and turned to study the entrance ahead of them. “I—it’s a tunnel, I guess. Dark stone, looks like it’s probably a bit slimy to the touch. On the other side it opens up into the Night Market. Looks like the stall right by the entrance is selling”—he adjusted his head slightly to get a better view, but there was no need to banish the illusion this time, he could see it clearly—“carnival masks. I’m, uh, not totally sure what they’re made from, but…probably don’t want to buy one.”

Gerry pressed his lips together tightly. Finally, he said quietly, “I can’t see anything, Tim. It’s just black to me. If you say the Night Market is there, I trust you, but…”

“No, I’m not doing that to you. Either the Dark is waiting for you or it really isn’t there for you, but either way, I’m not risking you.” Tim turned away from the tunnel without a second thought. “We can do something else.” He paused as something else caught his attention. “Uh, can you see that?”

Gerry followed Tim’s finger. “The door over there? Yeah, that I can make out. Why?”

“I think that might be an entrance to the tunnels. Or else there’s a secondary entrance to the tunnels behind it.” Tim gave Gerry a mischievous grin. “Want to check it out?”

“I’m game if you are,” Gerry said after no more than a second’s hesitation. “Won’t it be locked, though?”

“Probably, but I can fix that.”

It wasn’t locked, actually, or else the lock was a very cheap one. The door itself turned out to be a maintenance tunnel, but Tim clicked on his pocket torch and scanned the walls, then nodded, tracing a finger along a crack. “Look—right here. It’s like the trapdoor in the Archives. Subtle, hard to find, but…yeah, this is it, I’m sure of it.”

“How did you know it was there?” Gerry asked.

“Guessed, really, but it had to be in here somewhere. This tunnel goes straight through. Let me see if…” Tim felt around for a moment, then pushed on one of the stones. More or less as he’d expected, the section of wall in front of him swung away silently, obviously on a very delicate counterweight. “Bingo.”

“Okay, next question. How do you know this is connected to the tunnels under the Institute? We’re, what, two miles from Chelsea?”

“Bit under. Closer to two and a half to the Institute. But the tunnels go too far down to actually be the remains of Millbank, so they probably go further than we thought. And I know everyone who’s been in those tunnels has wandered long and far enough they probably stretch a good way.” Tim swept the torch ahead of him and frowned. “And these are steps going down. We’re almost definitely going to get in on a lower level. I’m not sure how deep Jon has explored, honestly, so we might be treading new ground here. We’ll have to be careful.”

“This isn’t exactly going to be a convenient way to get into work while avoiding the front door,” Gerry said as he followed Tim into the stairwell. The door swung almost silently shut behind him, and his hand tightened around Tim’s.

Tim squeezed back comfortingly. “Not exactly what I’m looking for. But I’m sure we can find other exits on our walk if that’s what I end up wanting to go for.”

“Right. Down into the depths of hell we go.”

Tim glanced over his shoulder. “That was a selling point for the London Underground at one point.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“Okay, not exactly in those words, but it was a genuine poster that was commissioned in 1924. ‘It’s Warmer Down Below.’ They made another version in 1927, I think. Anyway, it was meant to promote the Underground and how it was so much warmer, and consistently so, than taking transport on the surface. 1927 was an exceptionally cold and windy winter.” Tim checked the walls briefly to make sure there were no turns leading off the stairs before he kept going down. “The poster, at least the ‘27 one, really does look like it’s saying the Underground is warmer because it’s closer to hell. Or at least to the Earth’s core.”

Gerry sighed. “How do you just know that?”

“Haven’t you ever been to the London Underground museum? They’ve got copies of quite a few old posters in the gift shop. Mind your step, there’s a loose stair here.”

The stairs went down further than Tim had maybe expected, and they weren’t steep, either; he reckoned you could probably put a board over the top of them and have an almost perfectly legal wheelchair access ramp. It finally bottomed out, though, and they were presented with a short, curved hallway that led to a maze of tunnels. Tim scanned the area with the torch. “Okay. Do we want to try and figure out a way to one of the higher levels, or explore this one?”

Gerry hummed thoughtfully. “Let’s just explore and see where we end up. Do you think Jon’s made it down this far?”

“No,” Tim said with a shake of his head. He set off down one of the corridors. “He’s terrified to go too deep, or too far from the Institute—it’s going to take us an hour at least to get close. And he doesn’t come down in the tunnels as often as he used to. It’s harder for him to sneak the key, and he hasn’t been able to figure out how to get a copy of it from Elias.”

“Told you that, did he?”

“He’s been talking about it on the tapes. Not the official ones. I think he’s started keeping backups with his own research. But he’s not as subtle about recording them as he likes to believe.” Tim couldn’t remember when he’d heard Jon narrating into the recorders, but he must have overheard at some point.

The tunnels on this level were definitely warmer than the ones above them. Tim found himself unbuttoning his coat to get a little more air in. The floor was dustier, too, and the walls, while they still shifted from worked stone to carved rock with no apparent pattern, at least made more sense to him.

Less so to Gerry, apparently. “Are we just going in circles?”

“No, we’re good,” Tim assured him. “The pattern’s meant to make you think you’re doubling back on yourself, but trust me, we haven’t passed the same stretch of rock in ages. Smirke didn’t do closed loops.”

“Still convinced this is Smirke’s work, then?”

“I’m probably the closest thing living to an expert in it, Ger. Yeah, I’m convinced.” Tim paused at an intersection, then turned to the left. “There ought to be a stairwell up this way.”

Twenty feet further along, they did in fact come to a set of stairs, these much steeper than the ones they’d come down and spiraling tightly. Gerry shook his head. “I probably ought to be worried about how you knew this was here.”

“Just logic. The way Smirke designed things, we’d gone too many steps not to run into a stairwell of some kind.” Tim started up.

“Okay, smart guy, then why are they so different from the others?” Gerry followed Tim into the stairwell.

Tim concentrated on his footing. The weird wedge shape of the risers meant that if you weren’t careful, you could easily slip off the narrowest portion of the step. “Further from the river, I’m guessing. The ground along the bank of the Thames is softer, so you have to kind of go more gradual to avoid the whole thing collapsing in on itself, and you don’t want to have too many rooms right up alongside it anyway. Those stairs were wide enough that they’d provide a bit of a barrier if the Thames did swell its banks, too. This is probably a repurposed well, actually, one that dried up or maybe got closed because it was contaminated.”

“How would you know for certain?”

“Maybe if we found a Shape?” Tim smiled at Gerry’s groan from behind him. “No, that part’s just a guess. I’d need to look at old plans of the area. But I think I’m right.”

Gerry muttered something Tim couldn’t quite make out, but he evidently chose not to say anything further.

Going up the narrow helix took a lot more effort than it would have to go up the steps they’d come down, and definitely took a lot more than going down them would have. Tim thanked God, Saint Anthony, and his lucky stars that Gerry had actually stuck to his resolution to quit smoking after they got back from their trip, because his lungs were damaged enough; if he was still an active smoker, he’d be in serious trouble. As it was, he climbed stoically, if unhappily.

For his part, Tim found himself quietly murmuring a litany of prayers under his breath, both to keep his pace steady as he ascended and to give them what aid he could. He started off with the novena to Saint Lucy he’d recited during his first exploration, the one that had give him the clarity to see into the room of worms properly, then shifted to one of the prayers to Saint Anthony to guide them to what was lost—what, exactly, he wasn’t sure, but he felt certain there was something he needed to find, and hopefully his patron saint would guide them. For good measure, he tossed in a prayer to Saint Thomas the Apostle, patron saint of architects and builders, in the hope that he’d maybe had some influence over Smirke or could at least get a line to him in a hurry to guide them through whatever he had wrought.

The question of whether Smirke had gone to heaven or hell flitted through his mind, but since Gerry didn’t really believe in either one, Tim decided not to bring it up.

Three Aves and one Pater later, he spotted the edge of a doorway a half turn ahead. He was about to turn and suggest to Gerry that they maybe go through it when he froze. The hairs on the back of his neck prickled, and…he couldn’t explain the sensation exactly. It was like he could just make out a noise on the edge of his hearing, or barely catch a whiff of a scent he couldn’t identify. Whatever it was, there was something through that door, something that was…dangerous? Was it dangerous? His senses were all mixed up. It wasn’t…whatever was out there wasn’t dangerous now, but could it be? Jon—no, Jon wasn’t here—was it Jon? It wasn’t Jon, it wasn’t the Archivist, it might be a danger to the Archivist, or to the Archives, or—

“Tim?” Gerry said from behind him.

“Shh,” Tim hissed. He reached back and found Gerry’s hand with his free one, squeezed it twice, then clicked off the torch and pocketed the key ring. Luckily there was—somehow—just enough light to at least give texture to the darkness, so he wasn’t going to be doing this in pitch black. As soft as he could and still be audible, he whispered over his shoulder, “Stay close, and try not to make any noise.”

They inched forward, slow and careful. Tim knew it was stupid to take his eyes off the stairs in front of him, but he would have to trust his free hand against the column as he slowly made his way backwards up the steps, looking over Gerry’s head and keeping his eyes fixed on that doorway. Thankfully, nothing followed them, and whatever was down there, they seemed to have escaped its notice. Still, Tim didn’t breathe easy until they’d gone two more turns around and the door was completely out of sight. He turned back around and saw, somewhere above them, another doorway.

Another quick prayer—to Saint Michael this time—and Tim led Gerry around the steps, which dead-ended at the door. Still, he waited until they had gone through the arch and he’d listened intently before he clicked on the torch again.

“Sorry,” he said, squeezing Gerry’s hand lightly. “You okay?”

“I’m good. I think.” Gerry took a deep breath. “What the fuck was that all about?”

“I’m not sure…there was something down there. It’s…” Tim blew out a sigh of frustration. “Everything’s all mixed up down here, but it felt like…I dunno. It’s not dangerous to us, I don’t think, but I couldn’t risk leading it to the Archives. And I’m not prepared for a fight.”

Gerry pressed his lips together tightly. “We need to get out of here, then. Not because I think you’re likely to end up in a fight if we stay down here, but because I worry about you being down here too long, Tim, you know that. And it’s already been almost two hours.”

“Two hours seventeen, but who’s counting?” Tim tried for a grin and got only a half worried, half exasperated look in reply. He sighed. “Come on. Let’s see if Jon got this far.”

It became very quickly evident that he hadn’t. There was a complete absence of arrows on any of the first three tunnels they tried. There weren’t any down the fourth tunnel, either, but the reason for that was immediately obvious. These walls were neither stone nor brick nor hewn rock, but…dirt. Solid packed dirt, smoothed out and arced overhead like a rabbit’s run. The floor, too, was tamped earth, covered with a thin, loose layer of soil freshly fallen from the ceiling above. There was no sign of footfall down them whatsoever.

“This isn’t right,” Gerry murmured. “This can’t…why would there be a solid earth tunnel above stone ones?”

“It’s not solid earth. Look.” Tim angled the torch at a spot on the ceiling and was rewarded with the faintest glint. “That’s mortar up there. This is a brick tunnel, it’s just been covered with earth for some reason.”

“I don’t feel the Buried,” Gerry said slowly. “Not that that means it isn’t here.”

Tim closed his eyes for a moment and let the sensations settle over him. He’d gotten pretty good at telling when one of the Fourteen was around. “I think…there’s a sense that it’s been nearby, maybe? But not in this tunnel. This dirt is just…here. Probably it used to be a mud coating over the brick—this isn’t a sewer or anything, so no reason for it to be exposed brick particularly—and it’s just dried out over the decades. Maybe Smirke meant to attract the Buried for some reason, or maybe to…contain it, but…” He paused, frowned, and opened his eyes. “Wait.”

“What?” Gerry sounded extremely unsettled.

Tim swept the torch down the tunnel, then pointed at a barely-noticeable passage running off to one side several meters ahead. “There. We need to go there.”

“Why?”

“Just…trust me.” Tim set off towards the passage. Gerry cursed in what sounded like German, then followed.

As Tim had suspected, the side tunnel had an extremely sharp jog right next to it, meaning that anyone stumbling down this corridor would be unlikely to recognize the tunnel wasn’t a dead end. A few feet away was an arch that looked deceptively like the ones that led to the stairwells, but Tim’s breath caught in his throat when he saw it. “That’s it.”

“What’s it? That’s what?” Gerry demanded.

Instead of answering, Tim moved toward the archway, almost like he was drawn to it, and stepped through. On the other side was a bare stone room, perhaps eight feet on each side, completely empty. There was a halfhearted attempt at a cobweb in one corner, a single smear on another wall, but otherwise, it was just…empty.

“This is where she was,” he said quietly.

Gerry stopped in the doorway. “Where who was?”

“Gertrude.” Tim crossed to the center of the room, knelt, and touched the stone floor. It was strangely cold to the touch, even for what and where it was, and it felt…empty. “This is where Martin found her. It’s not where she died, but…her killer brought her down here. He left a trail getting her here, obviously, but he must have cleaned it up behind himself. Martin found it by accident—obviously he wasn’t meant to. He said there were no cobwebs, no spiders.” He got to his feet and tilted his head to study the wisps of cobweb in the corner. “This place was warded against interference by the Fears. Martin broke the seal when he came in, which is how the Mother of Puppets got started…she must have decided it wasn’t worth the effort, though. And it’s how the police found it. They never would have if they hadn’t had a Hunter with them. But nobody needs this place anymore, so now it’s just…abandoned. There’s nothing left.”

“Tim?” Gerry said, in a choked, barely controlled voice. “How did you know that?”

Tim opened his mouth…

…and closed it.

He thought about every argument he could make. About probabilities, and logic, and experience. He thought about sensations and signs and counting steps. He thought about all the possible answers he could give Gerry, all the reassurances, all the soothing little…

Lies.

He turned slowly around and met Gerry’s eyes. The worry and fear in them was obvious, as was the way he was gripping the door frame. Tim suddenly became aware that the battery in his torch had flickered out and died before they had made it out of what he was persisting in thinking of as the rabbit tunnel, and that, much like when they had been climbing the spiral staircase, Gerry was actually standing there in complete and total darkness.

And Tim was not. He couldn’t see as clear as daylight, but he could, at the very least, see. He Saw. And in that moment, he Knew.

Quietly, fighting to keep his voice steady, Tim said what he had been avoiding admitting, even to himself, for…God, months. “I don’t know.”

[whitherwanderer]

.

I have so many fun and ultimately pointless projects right now and I’m excited about all of them but my concentration is Bad! It’s nice to be exciting about things! But it’s also bringing up a lot of anxieties!

I’ve got this custom xaela tribe that me and S&S have been writing since 2019 and I’m slowly throwing more and more information into it as a little worldbuilding exercise. But I’m terrified that people will try to claim it as their own or point out the obvious not-totally-real-world-accurate elements just for the cheap critic shots and I don’t really feel like I can entertain someone trying to give me advice I didn’t ask for.

There’s a Shroud-based horror anthology that’s been living in my head since early this year that I’ve considered fleshing out more and more but I lack the finesse for horror and frankly Shroud RPers can be defensive and I don’t really want to respond to unsolicited criticism about a project that doesn’t really involve anyone else.

There’s the Ala Mhigan V&C dungeon thing I’ve been working on recently too and I’m continuing to poke at it, but frankly I have no idea what to DO with it beyond making it a quick and silly carrd-based choose-your-own-adventure game that also tells a bit of Sif’s story but ??? Would anyone even play that knowing it featured my dumbass OC as the non-combat escort character? Will people be disappointed or mad if I can’t include every Ala Mhigan thing/person/place they want to see or choices they want to make? I mean it’s a CYOA, not a TTRPG campaign, but people sometimes have that “i want to seduce the door” mentality about stuff and you just want to shake them and be like. You’re missing the point.

Also there’s the fact that a carrd based CYOA based on an XIV game mode does not play to strengths of either medium and I would have to accept that either it’s going to be far different from the V&C dungeon structure and therefore more writing-heavy (and therefore more work) since there can’t really be combat, OR some of the choices will be lacking in depth because there’s no combat for choices to have an impact.

AHHHH I am so excited about all of these projects and I would love to DO something with any of them but I always get caught in the same “what will other people think/do and why are my assumptions always that I am going to be tarred, feathered, and dragged through town for the smallest sin” and it is so FRUSTRATING.

Edit: There’s also a five-year show I want to put on with nearly every song I’ve written for Sif since I started writing songs in 2018 but… jfc, do people even want to see that? Is that pretentious? Are people only encouraging me because they want to but they don’t actually care if I do it or not?? I mean, it’s not really a show if there’s no audience…

[carmenized-onions]

Oh gods, I apologize for the long long rambling, but here it goes:

First of all, you are a genius! I can’t believe the way your words were converting to an actual TV scene in my mind d, with cut and editions, the whole thing!

I could see Carmy finding the file with Mike's writing and the pictures and I could feel and see his distress with every picture he saw! My friend you are a genius 🙌🏽

Ok on to the theories:

After reading it again, because the first got me too angry to process anything, it is clear that Tony was pretty involved in Mike’s recovery program, but how much? I didn’t connect the nickname “Chip” until I read in one of the comments that it was because of the chips the program gives to the person once they get to a certain goal, so this makes me think that she was in the program (being a first respondent puts a lot of stress, anxiety and trauma on those poor people) and that is how they met.

And I think they were so close because either she was his sponsor, buuuut, those photos give me the tingles because if he was the one getting the goals then Chip would have made him carry the cupcake. After all, it’s his celebration, so maybe he was his sponsor? And she being in recovery could be the reason she is no longer a paramedic, maybe she got busted and could no longer be one? And would be also the reason she disappeared when Mickey died because she didn’t realize how bad was it for him because he focused on her recovery. Not to mention the hero complex Chip probably has, there is a reason Chip was a paramedic and now is a fix-it-all all 🤷🏽‍♀️

Oh god the next but is going to be so hard and painful… ok last comments:

-Love Richie and his “ I’m trying to be Zen, moment during the almost dinner with Fak”

-RIP the most delicious dish created-never tasted, and F that idiot ex-boss!

-Bless be the "Ratatouille moment”

-“Tina don’t shout at us because we cry 🙈”

-Tony screams at seeing Carmy's hair, we want those beautiful curls back!”

And so much more but this has been long enough, thank you for sharing your story!

And thank you for coming to this TEDTalk ❤️

You will literally never need to apologize for giving critical thought to a silly little thing i wrote and then TELLING IT TO ME THANK YOU MY LOVE!!!

I'm so so happy to hear that you see it as the show, it's exactly what I'm aimin for every time, and I think the stress of this chapter hit that head quite heavy this time.

Incredible line of thought, this ted talk. There's so many little caveats to it, which, I think Phoenix Wright taught me how to bury leads like this. THAT BEING HOW THEY MET WOULD BE WOWOJEFIwoo WOO! Pain. It's been a reoccurring query simply not trusting that Tony really did just quit being a paramedic for her dad and you know what-- good, i've sewed the seeds of mistrust in you all. And that's wonderful. But it would make sense! Can't always fix people, but you can always fix stuff.

oof.

Anyways, CLOSING COMMENTS!!

The amount of restraint it took Rich, you've gotta respect it

I'm almost certain I wrote that cherry lamb section while hungry and i do think that made me make it even more painful. FUCK THAT BOSS!!!

chip and carms first real date will be ratatouille. if they live through this next one.

It's important to be vulnerable with your kitchen and let them know if they raise their voices even slightly you will! have! a meltdown!

There's a reason Jeremy with the slick back is a meme. I know he's also standing like that but he also just looks insane. It's terrible.

NEXT CHIPPIE CHAP IS COMIN OUT AFTER MY LAST SYNTAX READ THANK YOU SO MUCH BABYYYY I LOVE TO GET THESE TREATS IN MY INBOX THANK YOU FOR THE TED TALK!!

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Hi! Encampment anon again. It's going okay so far, though the police with visible guns circling us is unnerving even though they just say hello and monitor us (while we monitor them). I'm the same anon from ages ago who struggled finding balance and getting overwhelmed at protests and I think I might still have that problem. Yesterday I was working from 4am to 10pm: some time at the encampment, then distributing meal leftovers to unhoused folks around there, then cooking trays of dinner (1/4)

for the campers, helping design pamphlets, and the in-between periods working on my final exams. But by evening when I was cooking I was extremely overwhelmed by the loud and messy kitchen and couldn’t speak to the people coming to transport the food which felt rude, since I was signing to my friend and she was talking for me, even though I could technically have spoken if I had tried more. I know part of mutual aid is community, but the social part of that seems quite hard, even if I am (2/4)

ready and willing to help. I also missed the two fun things I had planned for the day because of how busy it was, and while that’s fine, I’m also not sure how much time I am supposed to be taking for fun when I have exams as well as all this. People helped me yesterday, a lot, and I helped them, but I feel like I should be helping them more and require less support because I technically could. I also can’t really cut back because I will feel terrible if any of these things don’t get done (3/4)

when I could have done them; if food gets thrown away because no one else hands it out, then the waste of food is my fault. But I know thinking like this is not helping me, so I don’t really know what to do. [Also I don’t know if this is relevant but it may inform what advice you give, a counselor has suggested I might be autistic, though I’m not sure whether or not I agree. Either way, even before all of this began I was struggling a lot to keep things together.] (4/4)

Oh also I just realized that I have not slept much, eaten most of my meals, showered, cleaned my room, or such things since this has all begun (like three days or so). So I definitely need to change something about my approach but I can't figure out what. I just forget to do those things, and if I remember I should, I still don't have the energy to. Sorry for the really long rant, you've just helped me a lot with your advice in the past and I need some more help I think. (5/4)

***********

Oh anon - sending you so much love and solidarity. You're doing amazing - and like I said before - you have everything you need.

When I read this - it feels like what you're asking is what am I doing wrong or how can I be better at it? And the answer is, of course, absolutely nothing - there's no need to be better and also it's not really possible. The difficulties you're facing aren't because there's something unique about you that means that you get overwhelmed after working from 4am to 10pm. The difficulties are the nature of organising in this sort of heightened political moment. All student occupations have been people in them who were exhausted and overwhelmed and not eaten or showered.

Moments of collective resistance in political crisis are not times for intentional improvement (you are of course growing and learning and changing - you can't help it). But the only problem you're describing here is your anxiety that you're doing something wrong. And the only thing that you could work on - is gently telling the voices in your head that there's something wrong with you to fuck off. But it's not really the time - it's far too easy get involved with meta anxiety - you already describe being anxious about being anxious

Does it help if I'm gentle with you - and tell you you're doing great. It's not your fault if food is wasted. It really doesn't matter that you haven't tidied your room. And people who haven't showered for three days are more common and socially acceptable political occupations than most of the rest of society - even when people aren't overwhelmed. You describe yourself as accepting help and identifying when you're overwhelmed and withdrawing - that's incredible and not something I knew how to do when I was your age (and for a long time after).

I remember at a time of intense political crisis getting very worked up about whether I was coping well - and looking back and all I can think of how absurd it was that I expected myself to cope at all.

I will give a couple of pieces of practical advice. Prioritise eating - not eating does make things harder. You describe yourself as giving out food, but not eating. What do you need from the situation so that you can eat yourself? If you can't figure it out - can you talk it through with a friend? Don't let the perfect be the enemy of any sustenance is good here. What do you need so you'll eat some food several times a day?

The other is - do you have any friends (or family - but if I understand that's less likely in the US) who are sympathetic, but not involved? I also have vivid memories of going to a friend's house - five days into crisis organising. Hanging out and then going to a movie. That was really replenishing. If you have someone who values the work that you're doing, but isn't part of it - spending some time away from it all can make a real difference.

I guess what both of these having in common is that they're looking after yourself in gentle ways - relying on other people a little bit. Recognising what you need - but also accepting that this is really hard and it's going to have an impact on you and it's OK that it has an impact on you.

Again sending you all the love and solidarity. Don't apologise for the long rant. I loved hearing from you - come back any time.

[keef-a-corn]

This is just me venting

Shoutout to that one person from Instagram that absolutley ruined me ✌️😚

Like thanks babe, I needed to be taken down a peg

Now I thrive with the sheer amount of anxiety I get when it comes to sharing and chatting

Love the way you made me scared to share posts I found that are over a couple months old, or how I get really nervous telling stories that involve anyone outside of the person I’m chatting with.

Love the way you ruined my New Year’s Eve a couple of years ago, making me break down and cry for about an hour because when you told me about an experience I had aligned it with ADHD traits (after being very open about the fact that I have ADHD) and not only did you get mad at me for even implying you have ADHD, but you made me feel extremely insecure about having it myself.

Let’s not forget the way you lashed out at me when I asked you a question about an artwork (it was ‘where’s [X] standing?’ Because the scaling and everything looked incredibly off and I just wanted to understand what was happening)

How about when I got too nervous to share an experience with a creator because I was young, they were older than me, they had more friends, we had been in an argument for about a year, and I couldn’t physiologically take it anymore, then we resolved the issue and you deadass got mad at me.

Oh wait, no.. it was also earlier than that, when you called them something like toxic and I told you that I had never considered them like that before (as in it never clicked for me that they were toxic) and you stopped talking to me and when you did it was just to tell me off- as if I wasn’t the victim in the situation and wasn’t the one that couldn’t recognise how greatly this person had affected me.

The endless uncalled for venting?

OH! How about that time I showed you a drawing and instead of giving any praise or feedback you didn’t mention the drawing and instead asked why I still made Gacha Content, so I gave you a full list on why I do it and your reply was something like ‘Nevermind’ and I asked you why you asked and you still haven’t told me to this day.

What about when I helped you find disgusting CountryHuman art and artists to report, then a few days later you message me saying we can’t be friends anymore if I still like countryhumans, not even just informing me that you don’t like it and giving me the option to leave the fandom or stop being your friend.

Reminiscing on when I got super excited and nervous because I messaged and artist I adored, then we got to chatting and it was super exciting for me, so you actively searched for any reason to hate that artist, and when you found one, I had suggested I can simply ask them to edit the post and remove it, so that it wouldn’t be a hassle, but you kept saying not to bother.

I messaged them anyway, suggesting to remove it and they were more than happy to do so because they’re a normal fucking person who recognised that maybe it wasn’t the best decision, then you got mad at me??

How about when you were super judgemental of my ship [this was countryhumans btw] between Australia and Germany, while you shipped America and Australia. Then my reasoning of just enjoying the places and knowing that there’s peace between them was never enough??

I could never come to you with dramas from my life because you’d either ignore me the whole day, or you’d try to one up me.

Anytime I said anything that upset you, you wouldn’t talk to me for, minimum, an hour, which would leave me stressing and apologising.

These all greatly affected me because now I:

Rarely share and promote posts that are older than a few months, seeing it as me embarrassing myself (I want to get past this, because I know sharing and enhancing with posts are important on platforms)

Get nervous discussing ADHD with people who aren’t diagnosed and feel like I have to purely mention the good things, rather than the everything.

Think I criticise too harshly and feel like no one can use my critics and that they’re useless.

Fortunately I don’t get into a lot of creator drama, but if I do, it takes a while to get support.

Now I get nervous to vent at all. Never wanting to put pressure on being listened to.

I just.. I think about that regularly…

Now I get scared to tell people I’m NOT in a fandom anymore. Never told my ex partner I didn’t like Countryhumans anymore.

Now I get nervous reaching out to creators at all (praise my moots) and have to rely on people coming to me instead.

I managed to get past that one and now have a perspective of ‘if it’s not illegal, go off’

Once again, greatly affected the way I open up to others, even my therapist.

Now I have an incredibly weird relationship with apologising, as it’s lost all it’s meaning.

As I said

Thank you

So much.

I loved experiencing that as apart of being a minor on the internet.

[alyjojo]

July 🕶 2023 Monthly - Libra

Whole of your energy: The High Priestess

You’re keeping quiet about options in love, probably because you’re already committed to or involved with someone else. There could be more than two, but I only see two. Your person has competition and isn’t even aware of it, you’d like to keep it that way. You’re quietly mulling over who you even are these days…are you still happy with this person? Does this other person make more sense? It’s all working internally, you haven’t made a decision yet, but by the end of July you’ll have decided.

What’s going on in July:

6 Wands:

You’re in a relationship right now, with someone that is stable, loving, successful in their own life and is someone that makes you feel secure when you’re around them. You trust them. But you’re also getting attention from someone else that’s more of a go-getter & a personal achiever. Could be a Leo, that energy is heavy here, their energy is infectious and you love being around them, or you love the attention you get from them, they make you feel really good. And it really has you up in your head. You’re not sleeping well, you’re constantly worried whether your person is going to find out about your…just conversations so far, from what I can tell. You’re not trying to hurt anyone, you’re just trying to figure yourself out. You wouldn’t be tempted if there wasn’t a reason right? To be fair, King of Wands can do that to a lot of people, it’s their gift. They’re charming, attractive, passionate, fiery, and have no issues taking the initiative to get what they want, and they always know what they want. Can be good or bad, that depends on you. While you do love this person’s energy around you, you’re full of anxiety over the person you’re already committed to.

7 Cups:

You’re aware you have options, this person has made their intentions clear to you. King of Wands isn’t used to hearing “no”, and they can be very persuasive or pushy, which makes you extremely uncomfortable, even if you find that same quality attractive when it’s applied to other things. You know you have to decide, and are stalling, because you don’t know. Really, you know, it’s just this person makes you feel good. You don’t seem tempted to a level of recklessness, more like it’s prompting you to ask the questions you need to ask yourself anyway. What do you need that you aren’t getting? What about this person is different from your person? Is this something detrimental to the connection you have, and are you willing to part with it?

8 Wands:

This is a lot of back and forth communication between you and this King. The Lovers indicates you feel an intense pull towards this person, or that’s one of many things they’re telling you. It could feel like a sales pitch coming from this person, they want to WIN. But…for the right reasons? I don’t get any sense of what that person’s feelings for you actually are, just yours. It seems to be after this flurry of love declarations that you pull your energy back altogether. They’ve officially spooked you, by coming on way too strong. And the guilt is getting to you.

King of Wands rev:

In this way I’m getting you not being passionate, or about that in your connections, it doesn’t drive you, which is pushed further with Ace of Wands rev clarifying. This is a very passionate and sexually motivated King, there is probably something said along those lines that makes you nope. Hard nope. You refuse to rush in passionately towards this person, nor to decide on anything impulsively. You may go from a flirty 8 to a chilly 4 rather quickly. You do feel the things they want you to feel, but you may not actually want those things from them. From the person you’re already with.

Strength:

Ultimately you’re deciding to hold back from this person even more, though I can’t see if it’s nail in the coffin type of over…you’re just restraining yourself, your passion & desire, and any impulsiveness. Either until you do decide to leave your current partner, or because you really don’t want to leave your current partner, who does show up as a soulmate. Resurrection here could show that a refresher of the past just between you two could get things on the path you’d like them to be. They may not be a passionate charmer, but their love runs deep, they match your energy 100% and they’re emotionally very mature. Not being spontaneous and impulsive is a good thing, it makes for a longer lasting and meaningful connection, at least where the Cups pair are concerned. Spirit is throwing some temptation your way, but I don’t have a story here where you actually take them up on it.

666 is in your reading through your oracles Joy, Courage, and 6 Wands showing victory, overcoming obstacles, recognition, positive attention and success. However you will decide to apply that to your relationship will being balance and a lot of happiness, like a fresh breeze in your connection. Maybe that’s the purpose for the whole thing.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Gemini, Cancer & Pisces

Oracles: ✨

42 - Courage

Have the courage to see the lessons in all situations and face them constructively.

40 - Resurrection

Reconsider a project or recall a person from the past to resurrect an idea.

42 Joy 🎉

We are created in joy. The balance of energy and higher vibrations brings us closer to divine love - pure joy. Joy can be a destination, but it can also be the vehicle that you use to get to that destination. Faith, grace, gratitude, and love all merge together, at different times and in different amounts, to create joy. There is love, growth, tears, change, and self-realization in this card. This card portends a happy and joyous time.

We enter into July as:

Saint Apricot 😇

“I’m sorry that I have to take care of myself.”

Saint Apricot comes to you when you have been (or are about to be) freed from a situation that has you chained. This is a lesson in taking care of yourself. It’s a reminder to not give away more than you can, or it will drain you. We are not giving from a place of love if we are giving only to get. People may not like it when we focus on taking care of ourselves, but it is necessary in order to have a truthful relationship with them. If you speak the truth from your heart, then any guilt you feel is from the fear of being disliked. Feelings of shame come up when we feel we are “bad”, guilt comes up when we feel something we’ve done is “bad”. If another person no longer chooses to be in our lives, due to what’s been said or done in total honesty, it’s not our fault, it is their choice. This signifies a turn in your destiny. You are moving in a new direction towards freedom, and this opens the gateway towards more rewarding relationships in life.

What is to be learned in July:

Royal Purple Brick 🧱

“She resists what she clings to.”

The fear of stepping out, of being abused, has grown so great that you no longer need a wall of fear to prevent you from living - a simple brick will do. Which of course symbolizes that what frightens you is much smaller than you imagine. What we resist, we cannot heal. Royal Purple Brick appears when we are resisting something, and may indicate a loss of faith. This is a sign of fear holding you back in some way and preventing you from moving forward. If you are experiencing pain, holding on tighter will only worsen the situation. Fear may also indicate you’re trying to save yourself from a path that will not serve you! Are you following your true passion? Is it divinely guided?

This can also indicate presently using your energy in a self-defeating way. Use your courage to let go of control and allow Spirit to come in and heal you. The promise of Royal Purple Brick is freedom after surrender. In letting go you may feel some discomfort, but you’ll also allow healing in. The fear of something is always greater than the actual event. This time period will be a life changing experience for you. Accept mystery. Release the brick and be free.

Purple may be a lucky color 💜

[jodilin65]

I had a really weird experience. First, I had one of those classic dreams where I was wanted by the police, but I didn’t know why. I asked Tom if, given the evidence, he thought they would come after me, and he said, “Yeah, sooner or later.”

The next dream was quite freaky. It involved Rhonda and me being held hostage by her and others working with her. I don’t know why or who they were killing, but they would kill people and dispose of the bodies somehow. Because I was a witness, they wouldn’t let me go. At one point in the dream, I was talking with Rhonda, studying her, and I thought to myself how you really never know people and what they’re capable of. I considered how petite she was and career-orientated and that I would never in a million years suspect her of being a cold-blooded murderer. I saw her stabbing a man to death in another part of the dream, and to appear compliant so I could gain her trust—and that of my other captors—I asked if they needed any help when I saw her and someone else crouched over the dead body. They said they would take care of it.

Then I woke up and made my online rounds as usual, checking various sites I frequent, one of them being Facebook. In the feed, there was a post from someone in the park group showing a forensics vehicle along with three or four cruisers parked outside the entrance of the park and just down the street. There was a place that had been a real eyesore for the longest time. I don’t know if it was some kind of junkyard or what, but it’s been slowly cleared out. I think the place in question was next to it. It was hard to see from the street because of all the vegetation, but you could tell it was quite dilapidated with junk strewn about. I guess the guy who lived there at one point was a shrimper. I don’t have the full report yet, but I’m getting the impression the place was empty. There was a recent stabbing in Port Richey, and someone first said it might have been connected to that, but now they’re saying there might have been a dead homeless woman in there. The timing of the dream and this incident is quite coincidental. I can’t wait to find out how she died once more information becomes available.

After nearly two weeks of being consistent, it’s definitely time to skip a dose again. It’s nice that my weight went back down (faster than I could lose it when I was young and healthy), but I’ve felt warm and wound up. I took half a clonazepam and it didn’t do much, but when I took another half, I felt better. The only problem was that it made me drowsy. So, I have to take enough to make me drowsy in order to take the edge off the anxiety, which sucks. If this were something I could take every day, it could really help conquer my fear of losing more weight because then I wouldn’t have to worry about the Levo as much. I can totally see how, if I ever made it to 150 lbs, I would have to drop back to 75. As it is, I’m right in the middle—88 is too much but 75 is not quite enough. I was really hoping I wouldn’t need to lose much more weight before feeling its effects and needing my dose decreased. I thought I would have to lose 25 or 30 lbs, yet every 5 lbs I lose means I won’t need as much thyroid.

Tom and I were talking about how it would not only be nice to have a bigger living room for the VR and a bigger kitchen for all our gadgets, but nowadays, you also need much bigger bathrooms! We could practically use a lot more counter space and drawers in there, too, because even bathroom supplies have expanded. Back in my twenties, when I was less needy and many gadgets hadn’t even been created yet, all I had in my bathroom was my toothbrush, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, a small pouch of makeup, a few bottles of nail polish perfume, nail clippers, polish remover, and feminine supplies. But now, both bathrooms are chock-full of dozens and dozens of things that either didn’t exist back then or that I just didn’t need.

Even just my hair products have expanded. I used to have just a brush and a blow dryer—straightening irons hadn’t hit the scene yet, and I certainly didn’t need a curling iron. Now, instead of a handful of barely coated elastics, I have tons of scrunchies, headbands, clips, conditioners, a straightening brush, Turbie Twists, hair-cutting tools, and more.

My ‘80s kitchen had just a few dishes, cups, mugs, pots, silverware, a toaster, and a coffeemaker. Now, on top of that, I have a microwave, a Keurig machine, a couple of slow cookers, a toaster, an air fryer, a popcorn maker, an electric potato peeler, slicers, a steamer,  colanders, a large wok, a mixer, and tons of other things.

[danikriatura]

Content Warning: discussions of suicide, depression, mood disorders and mental illness. (No graphic depictions.)

"By no means are all experiences in this end of the world the same, but I’d like to share what it feels like on the inside looking out for many of us who swim in the dark waters. I’m also including thoughts and experiences that friends shared on my original Facebook post about this subject. I’m by no means a mental health professional, here, either, just someone who’s been working with my own depression and anxiety for 20+ years, so that’s my lens.

1. Often the person who is struggling can’t reach out. When I drop down, I drop out. A common experience in my depressive episodes, until 5 years ago, was a disastrous cocktail of not knowing that what I was experiencing was abnormal (I thought I just couldn’t handle life like everyone else does) and extreme shame about that. I didn’t know to send out a flare or reach out, mostly, and when I did, I’d downplay my symptoms to my friends. I was in therapy for years and didn’t report symptoms, too, because I honestly didn’t know that other people didn’t experience the world the way I did.

2. Therefore, it’s up to you to notice when something is off — when you haven’t heard from someone in a while, or when you see them posting things that give you a red-flag-tingle. Does that feel awkward? Yep. Do you fear it sounds like you’re overreacting? Sure. But what’s the worst that can happen if you poke the person who’s hurting? More on potential downsides in a second, but the point here is, community care is on you, not the people needing the care.

3. That’s the main point I want to hit with how you decide to reach out. Make sure the person knows that your worry is not their problem. This is NOT about you. I’m always reminded of the Silk Ring Theory of comfort here — comfort the afflicted person, and then share your own hurts and needs with people less affected by the situation than you are.

4. Ditch the passive voice. Seriously. Saying “You are loved” is not only impersonal — “no one in particular, but someone might have nice feelings for you!” — but it can hit that craptastic note I mentioned above. People suffering an acute emotional crisis might feel their pain is causing loved ones’ pain, and that hurts even more. Vicious cycle stuff. And ideation often isn’t the result of feeling unloved, it’s an acute and dangerous response to wanting to relieve yourself from extreme pain, and feeling like you have no other way to do so. (This doesn’t account for people with disorders that involve voices telling them to do harmful things, and other illnesses that inspire suicide ideation, I know.) In my experience, I didn’t want to stay on the planet if being here meant pain, plain and simple.

5. Consider putting preemptive systems into place with your close homies. Don’t wait for your peeps who struggle with emotional wellness to do this, either. Start now. One big thing that’s changed a lot of circumstances for me is a texting system my heterosexual life partner, Cyn, and I started doing a couple years ago. We both happily live on our own, and at various times in our life, we’re either single or non-traditionally partnered. Both of us fear having a New York death (where something happens to you and no one finds you for days and your pets have eaten your face), and Cyn was having particularly acute anxiety after losing a friend to sudden death in the night. We agreed that we’d text each other every single morning, and that there were agreed-upon sets of actions we’d take if we didn’t hear from one another. We’ve done it every day since, and having that structure has shifted a lot for me. Both the task itself and knowing that someone who loves me and gets me without judgement will both notice and take action if I’m not OK gives me a welcome toehold on reality.

6. Lastly, for my fellow swimmers of the dark waters: Oh man, I’m with you. I’m so with you. This world is just… I don’t even know what to say about it right now. If it’s helpful, my friends and I built a free little tool to help folks reach out and share difficult stuff; it’s called The Weather Report. What I like most about it is that it has a place for you to say what you do and don’t need right now. Yesssssssss.

- Deanna Zandt, "Why “You are loved” & “please reach out” are crappy things to post after someone has died by suicide"