#oh AND I was on a trip with friends I’ve had for 16+ years and they all were so happy to be together

[meazalykov]

the younger morgan

bayern munich frauen x lena oberdorf x USWNT!bayern!reader

part one / part two / part three / part four / part five / part six

I had just finished unpacking the last of my boxes, and my new apartment in munich felt like home. for once I can breathe and take into my new surroundings. my move to bayern wasn’t confirmed yet, but everyone knew that I wasn’t with san diego anymore due to the post I made to Instagram last night, with the permission of wave, bayern munich and my agent maggie.

(pretend this is you and you are in the photos below)

y/n.morgan

(tagged: y/n.morgan & alexmorgan)

(tagged: y/n.morgan & emilyvanegmond10)

liked by alexmorgan13, stanwaygeorgia, and 59,482 others

y/n.morgan Dear San Diego Wave,

Thank you for one of the most special moments of my life. No amount of words can express the amount of love I have for you all. To my teammates, coaches, staff, and even to my sister thank you for your support during my first year of professional ball. All of the love on and off the pitch means more to me than you'll ever know. To the fans, thank you for your unrelenting support for SD Wave and never failing to make home games feel special. I am so grateful for the memories and friendships I've made here.

I have come to the part of my journey where I can say that I am proud of myself on and off of the pitch, and I am happy for what's yet to come. I cannot wait to see what this next chapter holds.

Go Wave! 🌊

-(initial)M17

comments

alexmorgan13 My favorite girl. I'm so proud. You should be excited for what's next. I love you 🩵

malpugh 🙌

wosofan78 OMG THE BAYERN RUMORS ARE TRUE??

naomi_girma you are so amazing ❤️

bayernfrauenluvr Welcome to Munich 🇩🇪

womenssportsgirl Stanway x Morgan linkup will be deadly omg

random563829 oh shitttt

chelsfemten I wish you went to Chelsea 😣

----

as I sat on my ivory sectional sofa watching netflix, my phone vibrated on my coffee table twice. out of confusion, since I don’t have any plans for another few days, I reached my arm over to grab my phone. 

georgia S: each room will have two people since the whole squad is coming lolll everyone will figure out who their roommates are once we get there

georgia S: everyone else cannot wait to meet you! 

when I chose bayern munich as my next club, i reached out to my only friend who plays at the club. georgia stanway. we had connected through social media almost a year ago because we have a few mutuals in the football community. she was excited and offered to help me transition into the club comfortably. as a start, I suddenly found myself going on a trip with them to ibiza in three days.

georgia had mentioned the Ibiza trip the same afternoon i landed in germany. I met her in person for the first time at a cafe along with giulia gwinn.

they’re sweet girls and we clicked right away, spending the entire evening together just walking around the bavarian city. As we were in a clothing store looking around at random pieces, giulia mentioned how everyone thought the trip would be a fantastic way to welcome me and a few other new girls onto the team and bond as a team before the new season kicked off.

i’ve never been to Ibiza in my life. alex used to spend her early 20s partying there from what I remember as a child. if Ibiza was like anything I've seen from social media– with its sun-drenched beaches, and vibrant nightlife– it seemed like the perfect setting for new friends.

I could hardly wait to meet my new teammates in a more relaxed and fun environment. the pitch could be intense.

while I had yet to officially step onto the pitch with the girls, I felt a connection with georgia and giulia-- I hope the same goes with the other girls on the team.

i’ve already signed a four-year contract with Bayern, and did the media stuff– but the media crew told me that they wouldn’t announce it online until June 27th. it's 16 days until then so I might have to be lowkey with the Ibiza stuff. it depends on what Maggie might suggest.

Y/n M: That's fine! 

Y/n M: I cannot wait to meet the rest of the team too! I am so excited :D

as I responded back to georgia before putting my phone back onto the coffee table, I walked around my neatly arranged apartment.

in my head, i knew I had made the right decision. after leaving San Diego, i felt free.

I know the comparisons with my sister will never end but at least I can be my own person at a club where my sister (barely) has influence.

I walk into my bedroom and pull out my pink suitcase, the same suitcase I traveled with a week before moving here. i started to overpack my bags, as per usual, with bikinis, linen clothing, and gym clothes because I know I'll go on runs there.

we are staying on the party island for a full week so I am excited— and nervous.

will the girls like me? is bayern the experience i've been looking for?

the language barrier won't be a problem since Giulia told me that many of the girls speak fluent english, but I will make an effort to learn the german language throughout my four years here too.

---

three days later– the car ride through the roads of ibiza was a relief after the plane ride that seemed to last forever. I sat in the back seat of the van with giulia, sydney, and sam, while georgia was up front, chatting loudly with klara. 

the mediterranean sun cast a warm glow over everything. its ten in the morning so nothing is going on so far. though, i could feel the excitement bubbling up inside me. it was hard to believe i was finally here, on this beautiful island, ready to bond with my new teammates in a new club!

"so, y/nnn," sydney turned around in her seat to look at me, her eyes sparkling with curiosity as i raised my eyebrows at her, "how has germany been to you so far?"

i thought for a moment, “honestly, its been good. i haven’t done much so far but i did see georgia and giulia on my first day in munich"

sydney nodded, her blonde hair catching the sunlight through her window seat. "thats fun! are you ready for the new season?"

all of the girls have been asking me questions since we took off on the plane to ibiza, i don’t mind it. i’ve been asking them questions as well. i’m new so they’re (rightfully) curious about me and my life. 

"yes i'm looking forward to it," i said, nodding my head as my mind was clouded with images of myself wearing the red kits. "i’ve heard so much great things about bayern– its going to be exciting to play here for the first time"

“however- i am looking forward to the olympics first.” i smirked at sydney who rolled her eyes playfully. 

germany and the united states will face each other in the group stage, which is something that was briefly mentioned on the plane. 

“same here.” sydney said as her left arm nudged my right. 

“when we crush you, we will be the first to comfort you– don’t worry.” klara laughed from the passenger seat. my jaw dropped playfully as i placed my hand on her shoulder, “you wish!” 

“game on, number 17!” klara laughs. 

giulia chimes in, ignoring the playful jokes between me and the other two germans in the car "y/n we’re excited to have you at bayern. ibiza will be so much fun i promise– we do these trips every summer. also, georgia's been telling us about how you two have been friends for a while now.” 

“we have!” i say as i look at georgia’s eyes through her rearview mirror. 

"we met through instagram, actually," the english girl explained, glancing back at me. 

sam laughed. "oh really?? i never knew that!” 

“yeah– you gotta love social media.” 

as we continued our drive, the conversation flowed easily. they asked about my sister, my favorite hobbies, and what I was looking forward to most in ibiza. it felt so natural, something i appreciated deep down. 

eventually, we pulled up to the airbnb, a stunning villa nestled among palm trees with a view of the sparkling sea in the back. 

my heart raced with excitement and a touch of nervousness as everyone got out of the van and grabbed their luggage from the trunk. the rest of the girls from bayern were already in the airbnb, lounging around the pool and enjoying the sunshine while they waited for us. 

as the five of us approached, the girls who had arrived earlier ran out of the front door to greet us. i hung back slightly as the other girls greeted their friends. my social anxiety has gotten better in the last few years, but meeting new people still made me shy.

a girl whos a bit shorter than me– saw me and with a warm smile, was the first to approach me. she hugged me and my arms wrapped around her body too. 

"heyyy, you must be y/n. i’m ines," she said, extending her hand. she had a french accent and a nice smile. "i’ve been waiting to meet you finally!"

"hiiii, it's great to meet you," i replied, pulling away from her body with a warm smile on my face.

the rest of the team came outside from the villa and followed suit. 

after everyone was inside of the villa, ii was starting to feel more at ease when I noticed a girl I hadn’t seen before. she was taller than me with nice brown hair– she had a striking aura to her and an air of confidence that drew me in.

she stood beside lea, who nodded her head towards me. 

"heyyy," she said, her voice smooth and inviting. she walked closer to me as i sat my luggage beside the couch. i’ll take it upstairs later.  "i don't think we've met yet. i am lena."

"hi," i replied, feeling a slight blush rise to my cheeks. "i'm y/n.” 

lena nodded, a playful smile on her lips as she noticed my stiff look. "you don’t have to be shy with me, i just transferred from another club too."

we stood there, the world around us fading slightly as i looked her up and down quickly. she wore black shorts and a lavender colored t-shirt. god– her presence was magnetic, and I found myself genuinely attracted to her.

"looks like we'll have to stick together then," i said, trying to sound casual as i held my hands to the front of my body.

"for sure," lena replied, her eyes brightened.

our interaction was interrupted by the rest of the team, who had clearly noticed our little exchange. anybody around the both of you could see the chemistry. there were knowing smiles that the girls gave each other, which i pretended to ignore as georgia walked to me.

"alright, lovebirds, let’s get you settled in," georgia teased, pulling me away gently as i grabbed my luggage from the side of the couch. "y/n and I are sharing a room upstairs."

as you walked away– lena checked you out. you wore a black tube top along with 501 levi shorts.

lea noticed lena’s looks, and nudged her shoulder playfully. 

“you like her?” lea smirked. 

“she's so beautiful– are they together?” lena knitted her eyebrows together as she saw you walk up the stairs, blushing at something while georgia laughed. 

“no they aren’t. they’ve been friends for a while and she’s single. you should try to get to know her!” sydney chimed into the conversation, seeing lena smile at the confirmation of you being single. 

as i walked into georgia and i’s shared bedroom– my eyes widened. there were two queen sized beds. there are two sets of doors as well. i walked towards the white one which opened to a white spacious bathroom. the other doors had glass windows which lead out to the balcony, where you could see a beach with clear blue water. 

georgia and i started unpacking in a few moments of silence– before she spoke up.

"so, lena, huh?" georgia said with a grin, glancing at me. 

as we headed up the stairs away from lena earlier, she already teased me about it. i ignored her– but i don’t think georgia will take nothing as an answer.

i giggled, feeling a bit flustered as i organized my things in the suitcase. "yeah– she seems nice. its nice to meet someone who's also new to the team."

"uh-huh, sure," georgia said, winking as she walked into the bathroom. 

“what is that supposed to mean?” i called out as my face had a look of confusion. 

"i don’t know– but just remember, we’re here to bond with everyone. don’t get too distracted by her sexy looks."

i rolled my eyes but couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face. i stood up from sitting on the floor as i threw myself onto georgia’s bed. "don't worry, i’m here to bond with the entireeeee team. lena’s just–a bonus!"

georgia laughed. inside of my head, the girl from earlier wouldn’t leave my mind. 

maybe this trip got better, before it even started.

----

hours later laying on my beach towel, i watched most of the other girls in the water as i tanned on the sand. the gentle waves were lapping at the shore and the laughter of the girls was in my hearing. 

it was surreal to think that just a few weeks ago, i was anxiously packing my bags in california, wondering what my new life in germany would be like. now, here I am in spain, on a stunning beach, feeling like i already fit in with my new team.

my brown tote bag took my attention and i quickly pulled out my digital camera. photography had always been a passion of mine, a perfect hobby outside of soccer. 

seeing most of the girls out in the water, i started snapping photos of them. 

their carefree smiles, the silly handstands that pernille started doing under the water with her legs poking out the surface, sam giving sydney a piggy back ride, tainara splashing water on georgia– everyone looked so happy.

there were girls on the sand eating snacks, checking their phones, playing volleyball with their feet, and laying peacefully getting a tan. i took pictures of them too. 

"do you want me to take a picture of you?” a voice said behind me after i snapped a picture of madga with her body buried in the sand– except for her head– thanks to ana and lea. 

i turned around and it was lena. she wore a nice black swimsuit that showed her abs. i had abs too, thanks to soccer, but hers just complimented her so well. 

there was something about her that I couldn't get out of my mind, but i ignored those thoughts as i clutched my camera tightly to my body.

"oh no thank you, it's fine, really," I replied, a bit shy. standing in my red swimsuit, i gave her a faint smile as before she shook her head at me. 

"nonsense," lena insisted with a grin, reaching for the camera as she slowly took it out of my hands. "you need to be in some of these pictures too."

lena took a few steps back with the camera, instructing me on acting casual, making me laugh in the process. 

i laid in the sand and grabbed my book, pretending to read as lena stood. she stopped taking pictures for a few seconds and told me to sit up. confused, i raised my eyebrows before she gave me a random white hat– belonging to lea– to wear on my head. 

after a few more shots, she handed the camera back to me.

"see? not so bad," she said, laying back down on a towel– belonging to georgia– next to mine.

"thank you, lena. you're a pretty good photographer," i said, feeling a bit more at ease as i looked through the pictures on the screen of my camera.

"anytime," she replied, her smile softening. "how did you get into photography? we all have a photographer who plays on the german national team as well."

“wait– are you referring to laura?” 

“you know laura?” lena asked. 

“yes i do! she knows a few of my friends that went to penn state with her. we exchanged jerseys back when the united states played you guys in miami. we took pictures together after that game” i said. 

“oh i remember that!” lena says. 

“you were there?!” i asked. lena’s jaw drops in offense– playfully of course– at my question. 

“yes! you don’t remember the small confrontation we had?” lena asks. my eyebrows knit together in confusion. for a few second, my mind goes blink at trying to remember. 

“you nearly scored but i side tackled you by the box. you didn’t like it so you tackled me a few minutes afterwards when i had the ball in midfield.” lena says, helping me recall the memory. 

my eyes widened as i remembered that moment, but i never connected it to lena. 

“you’re number 6 oberdorf?! oh i was very annoyed by that!” i say. lena and i laugh before we looked out at some of the girls who were getting out of the water. 

“anyways, i got my first camera from my sister when i was 12. she can be blamed for why i own many cameras now.” i say. 

“alex?” lena asked. 

“yes. alex was going to the world cup in 2015 and she got me a camera the year before. during that world cup I always took pictures of her from my spot. she let me take pictures of her with the trophy afterwards. it was one of the first moments that made me fall in love with something outside of football.” i say. lena smiled at me as I looked over at her. 

“wooo hooo!!!” i heard georgia yell out as she runs back in the sand from the water. as i placed my digital camera back into my tote bag, i suddenly felt a light amount of water splash on my body. 

my jaw drops as i see georgia laugh. from the looks of her very wet hair, she whipped her hair forward so all of the water hit my body. 

“stop it!” i giggled as i stood up from my towel and started running away from the soaked girls. 

“get her!!” sam laughed as i got chased through the sand by sydney, sam, klara, lena, and georgia. 

(pretend this is you in the picture below)

y/n.morgan

liked by alexmorgan13, lenaoberdorf, and 37,931 others

y/n.morgan ibiza ibiza 🐚

comments

alexmorgan13 No invitation? 🥲

y/n.morgan sorry sister ❤️

malpugh 😍

stanwaygeorgia at least you got the pictures before you got thrown into the water 😊

y/n.morgan thanks to you and obi 😞

lenaoberdorf a good photographer must've taken these pictures for you 😁

y/n.morgan yes they've done a great job!!

sydneylohmann 🙌🌊

leaschuller is that my hat?

stanwaygeorgia yes 🧢

wosofans7 ALL OF THE BAYERN GIRLS IN THE COMMENTS?

wavesnwsl THIS POST I THINK I FAINTED

wosonews most of the bayern girls are in ibiza too, looks like y/n's transfer is basically confirmed

~view all 2,711 comments~

part three here

<3

[spaceshipellie]

ok ok rockstar!ellie x actress!reader ,, ellie being like obsessed with reader and her films / shows and says smth about u during an interview. reader seeing it and talking about it in another interview. even better if readers a bit older than ellie and ellie had a poster of reader in her room when she was younger sjshsg

the blades

rockstar!ellie x actress!reader

part one (two pending)

summary: ellie’s band did a song for your upcoming movie and you both mention each other in interviews.

warnings: reader is like 5-6 years older than ellie but they’re both in their twenties

author’s note: i love this concept so much i want to write more rockstar!ellie x actress!reader in future!! tysm for the request, i hope you like it 🖤 wc: 800

“so let’s talk about your latest single, caves, which is for the new movie end of beginning, right?”

“right,” ellie nodded at the interviewer, twisting the rings on her fingers which rested in her lap. she was usually pretty nervous doing interviews, still only feeling truly comfortable in front of a crowd when she had her guitar hanging from her shoulders.

“it’s an incredible song and goes so well in the movie, i mean…” the interviewer’s voice trailed off as they turned to the audience who were whooping and cheering at the compliments. “well they certainly agree!”

“thank you, we’ve had so much fun getting to be a part of it,” dina beamed her award-winning smile.

“so were you able to meet the stars? what did they think?”

“we did briefly which was amazing,” dina carried on, “and i think they loved it!?” she turned to jesse.

“yeah they thought it was great which for us, you know, was crazy as they’re super talented people so that recognition was uh, was amazing. ellie especially loved it,” jesse said, sneaking in a jab at his band mate and best friend.

“really ellie?” the interview seemed keen to know more.

ellie stretched her arm up, nervously scratching the back of her head and tried to fight a smile off her lips. “yeah, i mean i…oh man, thanks jesse.”

“anytime.”

“i’m a huge fan so it was a trip getting to meet them,” she finally settled on.

“meeting y/n?” the interviewer pushed.

“yeah, meeting y/n was great.”

“why do i feel like there’s more you’re not telling me?” the interviewer joked.

“well,” she awkwardly laughed, “no, i mean she’s an insanely talented actress and i’ve loved her movies for years so it’s always pretty crazy meeting someone like that.”

“that, and the posters,” dina leaned into ellie’s shoulder. ellie tried to refrain from swearing on tv.

“posters?”

“yeah,” she admitted, “i had a poster of her on my wall when i was like 16.”

“was she a bit of a celebrity crush for you?”

“something like that, yeah.” ellie’s cheeks had gone bright red and they felt hot under the bright stage lights and mini interrogation she was experiencing.

“oh it’s all coming out now,” jesse laughed and dina laughed with him. ellie chuckled, embarrassed, whilst shooting them a glare.

she ran her hands down her face. “oh, i can’t believe you just made me admit that on tv.”

“she’s probably going to see this,” the interviewer said, “and she’s on here next week.”

“oh god, don’t even mention it.”

— a week later —

“so, y/n! thanks for being on the show.”

“thank you for having me!” you shot your best smile at the interviewer and the crowd, who cheered.

“you’re new movie end of beginning is out now, is that right?”

“yes it’s out now and we had the premier last week which was an incredible night!”

“it looked amazing, as did you, so stunning!”

“thank you so much.”

the interviewer went on asking you more questions about your role in the movie before bringing up ellie’s band, the blades.

“you might have already seen but last week we had the blades on our show and they said it was amazing to work with you.”

“yes! i loved the music they made for this movie, they’re all beyond talented. it was great to meet them as well, super lovely guys,” you praised.

“were you a fan before?”

“yes i am actually, i saw them live on their tour last year so yeah, i’ve been a fan for a while.”

your cheeks felt hot all of a sudden as you had a feeling where this was going.

“well, i think they were definitely fans of yours, or at least one of them was!” the interviewer prodded, smiling. you laughed shyly, not wanting to be the one to admit to anything in front of a live audience.

“ellie said you were her celebrity crush.”

“i heard, yeah,” you smiled down into your lap, trying to compose yourself.

“i think you’d made a cute couple,” the interviewer beamed and the crowd cheered. “they think so!”

“i um,” you stammered, “yeah she’s cute.”

you thought she was more than just cute! you had been a fan of her band for a couple of years and had swooned over the way her skilled fingers plucked her guitar strings over and over again. the outfits she wore. the way she sits with her knees apart and hands clasped together in interviews. the smiles and smirks she has whilst on stage. the tiktok edits you had saved.

“well make sure to invite me to the wedding,” the interviewer laughed. you shyly nodded, trying to stifle the wide grin that wanted to take over your face. you almost hoped ellie wouldn’t see this but there was no doubt that she would… she did, and she had a shit-eating grin on her face the entire time.

[tokkiheart]

2025 Year of Fluff

I got inspired to make this after a friend shared with me the 2023 Year of Whump made by @soheavyaburden and I wanted to make something like it, but for individuals like me who prefer fluff and can’t (for one reason or another) do a month long challenge. I’ve had this sitting in drafts for 2 years and I’m finally going to publish it this year.

This is my first time ever doing something like this, but I did my best to have a nice mix of prompts that can work for romantic fluff, platonic fluff, family fluff, etc. so that no matter what kind of fluff you want to do, there’s prompts for you!

I also themed some weeks around big holidays for those who celebrate them while keeping the prompts vague or open to interpretation and aren’t really holiday specific. For example, the week of Easter there’s “scavenger hunt” and the week of Christmas there’s “gift exchange” and “home for the holidays.”

For any prompts where there’s an “X” in it, just substitute the X out for whatever word you want that fits in the context of the prompt. Any prompts marked with “(any)” really means any interpretation of the word/prompt. For example: “Game Day (any)” can be anything from actual sports to video games, board games, card games, RPGs, etc.

You can choose to do this event monthly, weekly, or wild card and change up which you do! Wild Card is basically doing whatever prompt strikes your fancy from any month/week!

This is completely at your leisure! No stress, no pressure, just fun and fluff! Feel free to mix & match prompts or pair with other challenges to your heart’s desire (the only exception is whump, hurt/comfort is fine but there needs to be comfort).

This is open to all fandoms, relationships, forms of media creation (except AI), etc.!

I don’t have a place on AO3 you can submit to, but if someone else wants to make one, contact me and I’ll add the link in this post!

Anyway, without further ado, here are the prompts!

2025 Year of Fluff Prompts

January 1: New Year’s Resolutions/Trying New Things Together/New Year’s Kiss/“This is all so new to me”

January 5: Reassurances/Moral Support/Promises Made, Promises Kept/Massages/“Guess who?”

January 12: Emotional Support/Holding Hands In Pockets/Warm Bubble Bath/Blankets/“I’ve got your back”

January 19: Walk In The Park/Handwritten Notes/Piggyback Rides/First Kiss/“This made me think of you”

January 26: Stargazing/Pillow Fort or Blanket Fort/Candles, Lanterns, Fairy Lights/Compliments & Praise/“You too?”

February 2: Trust/First ‘I Love You’/Blushing/Walking Together/“Let me get that for you”

February 9: Sweet Treat/Valentine’s Day/Love Letters/Love Language/“Shut up and kiss me”

February 16: Love Confessions/Throwing Coins Into A Wishing Well Or Fountain/Weekend Trip/Sleepover/“Show me”

February 23: Bridal Carry/Soothing Touch/Cuddles/Sweet Notes or Texts/Acts of Devotion/“Can I help?”

March 2: Drive-In Theater/Helping With Chores/Sympathetic Ear/Caught In The Rain/“Make a wish”

March 9: Kiss For Good Luck/Tokens of Affection/Sweet Dreams/Wish Granting (or Wish Fulfillment)/“You’re in luck”

March 16: Spring Cleaning/Flower Crowns/Snuggles/Picnic/“You still have this?”

March 23: BBQ/Bouquets/Boating Day Trip/Besotted/“Be mine?”

March 30: Being Silly/Pleasant Surprise/Supporting Silly Quirks or Hobbies/Happy Accidents/“Is this a dream?”

April 6: Nose Kiss or Nose Rub/Parallel Play or Work/Scavenger Hunt/Rainy Day In/“You know you’re really adorable when you…”

April 13: Dandelion Wishes/Sharing Food/Photoshoot/Bookstore/“Oh no, you’re a morning person!”

April 20: Stolen Kisses or Stolen Moments Together/Amusement Park/Meaningful Gift/Uniquely You/“Wanna try?”

April 27: Winning A Plushie Or Prize For The Other/Spooning/Mutual Pining/Shopping Together/“Guess what… I love you”

May 4: Bedtime Stories/Domestic Intimacy/Long Conversations/Putting Flowers In Their Hair/“Could you stay just a little longer?”

May 11: Wearing Or Stealing Each Other’s Clothes/Romantic Dinner/Long Walks/Established ‘I Love You’/“May I have this dance?”

May 18: Heart-to-Heart/Napping or Falling Asleep Together/Adopting A Pet Or Plant/Holding Hands/“Could you stay on the line? I want to fall asleep to your voice”

May 25: Family Time/Game Day (any)/Home Cooked Meal/Surprise Visit/“I’m with you”

June 1: Passing The Time Together/Parade/Making Or Getting The Other’s Favorite Food/Nature Walk/“I’m so proud of you”

June 8: Breakfast In Bed/Fireworks/Pet Names/Rainbows and Butterflies/“Oh no! You’re a night owl!”

June 15: Bearhugs/Lifting Them Up/Pillow Fight/Ruffling Hair/“Did you bring snacks?”

June 22: Accidents Don’t Just Happen Accidentally/Tugging At The Other’s Clothes To Keep Them Close/Listening/Photo Booth Antics/“Want a taste?”

June 29: Flirting/Running Into The Other’s Arms/Summer Vacation/Secret Hideout/“Sorry, I got lost in your eyes”

July 6: Heart Eyes/Running Fingers Through The Other’s Hair/Forehead Touches/Road Trip/“Do you like it?”

July 13: Day At The Beach/Sharing Ice Cream/Swimming Pool Or Hot Tub/Date Night/“I don’t need X to have a good time, I just need you”

July 20: Truth Or Dare Or 20 Questions/Reading Together/Back Hugs/Outsider POV/“Follow me”

July 27: Caretaking/Meeting The Family/Public Displays of Affection/Finishing Each Other’s Sentences/“You read my mind”

August 3: Adoption/Swing Set/Under The Moonlight/Tickling/“Can we do that again?”

August 10: Carrying Things For The Other/Playful Banter/Comforting Actions/Spontaneous Trip/“May I…?”

August 17: Study Buddy/School AU/Passing Notes/Conversations Without Words/“You’ve told your parents/family/friends?”

August 24: Public Library/Sharing Earbuds To Listen To Music Together/Leaving Notes With Food Or Drinks Packed Or Given/Meeting Up During Breaks/“Anything interesting happen today?”

August 31: Loving Gaze/Soft Kisses/Making Playlists Or Mixtapes For The Other/Doing The Other’s Hair/“You’ve been saving this for a special occasion” - “This is it”

September 7: Angel Kiss (Kissing Eyelids)/Power Outage/Resting Their Head On The Other’s Lap While They Do Something/Doing Chores Together/“Let me know what you need, alright?”

September 14: Awkward, But Cute/Good-Natured Teasing/Taking Pictures Of The Other Smiling Or In Their Element/Marathon (any)/“Practice makes perfect”

September 21: Good Morning & Good Night Texts or Written Messages/Sitting On Or Being Pulled Onto The Other’s Lap/Sharing A Book Or Reading A Series Together/Pick Up & Drop Off/“Come here”

September 28: Laughing Together/Pinky Swear/Tracing The Lines Or Writing On The Other’s Hand With Fingers/Watching The Other Sleep/“I’ll take care of it, go rest.”

October 5: Good Morning & Good Night Kisses/Helping The Other Put Something On/Comforting Presence/Running A Bath For The Other/“Feeling better?”

October 12: Play Fight/Carrying To Bed/Whispering Sweet Nothings/Holding Or Touching The Other While They Work/“Tell me about your day”

October 19: Sharing An Umbrella/Fixing The Other’s Clothes or Hair/Making Time To Be With The Other/Weekend In The Countryside/“Oh, I haven’t done this since I was X!”

October 26: Leaves/Kissing In The Rain/Comfort After A Rough Day/Sharing A Bed/“You are my home”

November 2: Soulmate AU/Pillow Talk/Inside Jokes/Tying The Other’s Shoe When It’s Untied/“I’m always here for you”

November 9: Wall Kiss/First Dance/Head Pets/Art, Craft, Poetry, Music/“Have fun?”

November 16: Reunion/Cooking Together/Secret Family Recipe/Photo Album Sharing/“I’m thankful for you”

November 23: Starting A New Tradition/Leading By The Hand/Swapping Favorite Playlists/Getting To Know You/“You’ll get X all over you” - “I don’t care”

November 30: First Snow/Matching Sweaters/Playing In Snow/Baking/“You’re not dressed warmly enough”

December 7: Hot Drinks/Snow Day/Huddled Together/Building A Snowperson/“Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

December 14: Snowed In/Giving A Coat Or Scarf To The Other/Wrapped/Hand Warmer/“I’m comfortable where I am, right here with you”

December 21: Gift Exchange/Home For The Holidays/All The Hugs/Head On The Other’s Shoulder/“It smells like you”

December 28: Cozy By The Fireplace/Doing Their Favorite Things Together/Cute Nicknames/Twirling/“Seeing your face makes me smile”

Place Where You Want Prompts:

• Birthday Party

• Anniversary/Friendiversary

• Celebrating A Holiday Together

• Fluff & Stuff (writer’s choice!)

[rinstagrams]

seeing you tonight... it's a bad idea, right? content: ex!gojo x reader, language, suggestive (16+), mentions of sex w/c: 1.4k

♬ bad idea, right? by olivia rodrigo.

“hey, shoko invited us over for drinks and gossip.”

you hardly hear what utahime suggested, too busy typing away on your phone. your eyebrows furrow at the latest text sent, nearly outright ignoring your coworker and friend. “can’t,” you say after a moment’s pause. “plans.”

it’s not very often that you and utahime get sent out on missions together, let alone in tokyo. she hardly gets away from her teacher work in kyoto, but the curse you’d been sent to exorcise today in tokyo was perfect for her technique and yours. since the trip back to kyoto is a bit long, you’ve both opted to stay the night. it’s pretty standard that you would stay with shoko on a night in tokyo. but recently…

utahime raises an eyebrow at you curiously, standing behind you to peek over your shoulder at your phone. “plans?”

“yeah,” you say, clearing your throat. “i have something to do.”

“i think you mean someone to do.”

“what? hey!” you exclaim, trying to sound indignant. “i don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“oh, so gojo didn’t just send you his new address?” 

“stop snooping!” you say, locking your phone and holding it close to your chest out of view. the look utahime gives you, however, is unavoidable. damn her and that damn teacher look of hers. you sigh, shoulders deflating. “i really don’t wanna hear a lecture right now. can you save it for the train ride back?”

“i’m not gonna lecture you.” but the look she gives is really enough to have you feeling like a scolded child. “but i thought after last time, you said you were done with him.”

“i know he’s my ex,” you say, picking at your nail. “but can’t two people reconnect?”

since your break-up a year ago, you and gojo have avoided each other at all sorcerer events. it’s kind of funny, seeing the lengths the two of you will go to avoid each other. but nonetheless, in the end, you always find yourself with him in tokyo behind closed doors. up until now, you thought you’d done pretty well at keeping it a secret… guess not.

“you don’t reconnect with gojo satoru of all people. i still can’t believe you dated him, he’s a selfish prick.” that much is true, you think to yourself. but despite how self-involved and cocky he might be to everyone else, he’s… not so selfish in bed, to say the least. “he’s not even that hot.”

“i’ve seen hotter,” you hope that maybe agreeing with her in hating gojo will lighten the load on you. instead, she narrows her eyes at you and says, “you’re not getting back together, are you? because i’ll slap some sense into you right now.”

“i only see him as a friend.” biggest lie you’ve ever said. 

utahime actually snorts, very uncharacteristic of her. “sure, sweetie. let’s see how you feel after a glass of wine and a lay with gojo satoru.” you groan and shake your head, refusing to admit to yourself the truth of his words. 

“nothing will happen.”

“yeah, sure,” she says, completely disbelieving of you. “and what’ll be your excuse when you wake up in his bed?”

you bite the inside of your cheek. “tripped and fell.”

-

when you pull up to gojo’s new building, a penthouse on the top floor of a tall apartment complex, you’re not surprised at the text that tells you to just come on up. stupid satoru, not even bothering to walk you up. 

he’s stupid, rude, and hardly chivalrous. you know that this is a bad idea, and you’ll probably regret it in a few days when the mortification settles in, but for now, who cares? 

you don’t even knock, because satoru already has the door open. he leans his tall figure against it, arms crossed over his broad chest wearing a smile on his face. his hair is a little disheveled, glasses hanging low on his nose, and you can already smell the familiar scent that tells you he just had a shower. 

“satoru.” you remember your words with utahime earlier. you’re sure you’ve seen much better looking men than this white, gangly string bean, but for some reason, you can’t really remember when. 

“hey, beautiful. mission went okay?” the care in his voice makes you remember the way he used to fuss over you when you were dating. you roll your neck out, nodding. “yeah,” you tell him. “neck hurts like a bitch, though.”

“let me help you with that,” he says, stepping aside to let you in. you place your stuff down and already as the door shuts, satoru brushes your hair to one shoulder. quickly, his hands work on your shoulders to massage the small knots out from your muscles, even without you asking. it feels good; for someone whose technique revolves around not touching people, he’s still surprisingly good at massages. 

“thanks,” you say, voice soft. 

“anything for you. you worked hard.” his voice is low, and after a few moments, you feel soft kisses pressed to the back of your neck. on your jaw. down your shoulders. you nearly shiver beneath his touch.

“seriously, satoru? straight to it, huh. i can’t shower, first?” you laugh, voice a little breathless as he brushes his tongue over your sweet spot on your neck.

“i figured we could do a second round in the shower.” 

you laugh and close your eyes, relaxing into his touch as his hand comes around to pop open the button on your jeans. your last thought before you give in is, here we go again. 

-

you wake up in the morning to the light shining in through the windows, but also to the buzzing of your phone. as you rub the sleep from your eyes, you curse. shit. four missed calls from utahime. she’s so gonna kill you at the train station. 

stifling a yawn, you start to shuffle in bed, standing to gather your clothes. before you can swing your legs over the bed however, you feel a tug by the waist. over your hips, satoru has a strong arm to pull you back in. a sleepy groan leaves him. “don’t leave,” he whines like a kid. 

“i have to go back to kyoto,” you tell him, trying to tug yourself free to no avail. 

“stay.” a strong pull drags you back to bed with him, and your back is pressed smugly to his chest. his chin hooks on your shoulder and you feel him poking at the back of your thigh. “i’ll teleport you back later.”

“satoru,” you say, tone chastising. “i really don’t have time for a morning quickie.”

behind you, he sighs. the mood seems to have dropped now, his playful childish tone now gone from seconds ago. “i’m not talking about sex. i just want you to stay. i’ll make you breakfast.”

“you know that’s not what we do. we agreed that when we were gonna do this, it wasn’t gonna be like before.” before, when you were dating. before, when you had so many problems that couldn’t be solved with just sex. now, at least you can still have the sex without the relationship baggage. 

“i miss you.”

a sigh leaves you, and you turn to face him, his arm still around you. when you meet his eyes, they’re no longer sleepy, but serious. “satoru,” you call his name, sounding serious. “you shouldn’t say those things.”

“but i do. miss you, i mean.” he sighs. “i miss seeing you more than just every few months for a fuck. i wanna see you in the mornings, and on the weekends.”

all you can do is sigh. he goes on, “we were good, weren’t we? i miss you, and i know you miss me too. i wish we could give it another try. i’m not just saying it because of last night, but… i’ll be better. i’ll really try. i’ll come every weekend, we can go on dates all the time. i’ll be less annoying.”

“that might be hard for you,” you mutter. it’s an insult, but it shows to him that you’re beginning to open up to it, and that brings a smile to his face. a beautiful one, his blue eyes filled with mirth and not obstructed by glasses or a blindfold. 

“and you’ll work on not being mean to me, right? we’ll be good together. will you give me a second chance?” 

the two of you never worked out, and you know that for yourself. you know the problems behind it all, but what a fool you were to think you could be satisfied with just this. the two of you butt heads always, but maybe it’s worth it for moments like these. it’s a bad idea but… you’ve never been fond of good ideas. 

a heavy breath leaves you, but you can’t hold back the smile. “okay.” he grins, and it’s wonderful. oh, utahime’s going to kill you.

[lnfours]

summer loving (two) ⎸ t.h

⌙ summary: your mom and tom’s mom grew up together, swearing that their kids would be life long friends. and it was true, the holland boys were a special part of your life. but on the annual trip to their beach house this summer, everything feels different. and that’s because it is.

⌙ au:  based on the book and tv show ‘the summer i turned pretty’ by jenny han. childhood friends to lovers

⌙ wc: 2.2k

⌙ warnings: swearing, tom being an asshole lowkey, sam being sweet as ever, some fluff and ANGST as hell. a special guest appearance that’ll be important later on!!!! it’s lowkey driving me crazy.

⌙ pairing: tom holland x fem!reader

masterlist ⎸ chapter one ⎸ chapter three ⎸ listen

                               ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

you sat on the sofa in the living room, absentmindedly scrolling through netflix. you had been on the beach earlier with sam, the two of you catching some waves at sunrise. watching the sun come up as you sat on your board was another one of your favorite things to do during the summer, the view alone being breath taking. 

you were about to click on a show in your watchlist as nikki sat down next to you, two cups of coffee in her hand as she handed you one. you smiled at her, sitting up as you grabbed the mug.

“thank you.”

“of course,” she smiled, “figured you’d need it since you had to deal with sam so early.”

you chuckled, “it was my idea, so i had no choice but to suffer his wrath.”

she let out a giggle before taking a sip of her coffee, “hey, i’ve got a question for you.”

you hummed back, sipping your own coffee, “what’s up?”

“so, my friend carol at the country club was saying that this year one of the girls who was a big sister for this year’s debutante ball got sick and she can’t do it this year. i was wondering, since you did it when you were the other girls’ age, would you be interested in doing it?”

you cringed at the mention of the debutante ball. you had agreed to do be a debutante when you turned 16, wanting to give nikki the opportunity to see you, who she considered a daughter, live out the same experience she had when she was at that age. you actually had a good time, but the thought of going back with cut throat girls who care way too much about what dress they’re wearing made you cringe.

but, you knew nikki would want you to do it. so, you felt like you couldn’t say no. plus, you had a great big sister when you were going through the program and the idea of being that for another girl kind of made you excited. 

“uhm, sure,” you shrugged, “why not?”

she smiled as she let out a squeal, hugging you. you laughed, hugging her back, “oh my god, thank you! thank you, thank you, thank you!”

you giggled as she rose from her seat, “i’ll call carol right now.”

you nodded, sighing as you mentally slapped yourself. you knew what you were signing up for, but the idea of getting all dressed up again was a plus. you watched as harry entered the room, eyebrows furrowed as he looked at his mom who happily ran back to the kitchen before looking back at you.

“what’s that all about?”

you sighed as he took the seat next to you, “the curse of rich people, that’s what.”

“i’m gonna need you to elaborate.”

you were about to speak when your phone started to buzz, looking down you saw an incoming facetime call. you sprung up from your seat, taking the coffee from the table before running to the stairs, “i’ll explain later!”

he shook his head, grabbing the remote from the arm of the couch as he mumbled under his breath, “girls, man.”

you shut your bedroom door, answering the call as you smiled, “hey! i’ve been meaning to call!”

“shut up and tell me all the spicy details right now.” your best friend, kat, laughed. you smiled back, rolling your eyes. the two of you had been friends since elementary school, a life long bond. besides the hollands, kat was your only other longest friend.

“what details?” you asked, playing dumb as you propped your phone on the vanity that sat in the corner of the room.

“oh my god, don’t play dumb! the tom drama!”

you sighed, “well, nothing’s really happened besides the fact that we almost kissed-”

“you guys almost kissed?!” she cut you off. you laughed again, shaking your head.

“it was nothing, nothing happened! we didn’t kiss, we didn’t do anything at all… thanks to sam.”

“sam?”

“yeah, he came down to the beach when tom and i were about to kiss and made us jump apart. he didn’t really look happy about the whole thing, either.”

“i told you, y/n! i told you, sam has a thing for you!”

you shook your head, “or maybe he just doesn’t want his big brother kissing one of his best friends.”

“oh, come on!” she laughed, “sam has a thing for you! trust me!”

you shrugged, “i don’t think so, kat.”

“okay, whatever you say. but tell me about this kiss, though? when? where? how?”

you began explaining the story to her and she gasped, you nodding your head as she sat in disbelief. of course she knew about the fact that you’ve been totally crazy about tom ever since you were younger, she knew about everything in your life. she was literally your right hand man, someone you could tell anything and everything to.

you spent the next 30 minutes on the phone with her, catching up. just as you had ended the call, there was a knock on your bedroom door.

“come in,” you answered as sam poked his head in through the crack.

“wanna go into town with me? kinda craving a bagel.”

you smiled, “is that even a question?”

“downstairs in 10?” he smiled back at you. you nodded as he closed the door behind him. you grabbed a tank top and a pair of shorts, quickly changing as you grabbed your wallet and sunglasses. you slipped on your flip flops before making your way down the steps. you stood in the living room as you watched the boys sitting on the couch, standing next to sam as you took in the sight in front of the both of you.

harry, austin and paddy were all a sniffling mess on the couch, wiping the tears from under their eyes as they looked at the tv.

“what’s wrong with them?”

“the notebook.” sam smirked back.

“it’s a great movie!” austin defended, handing a tissue to harry. you bit back a laugh, covering your mouth to avoid the laugh from slipping out. sam grabbed the keys from off the table, shaking his head as he looked back at you.

“ready for a delicious bagel?” 

“always.”

“wait, you guys are going to ken’s?” paddy asked, looking up at his older brother.

“yeah, want something?”

“my usual, please.” he smiled, wiping his face with the neck of his t-shirt. you let out a giggle as sam nodded, the both of you making your way to the jeep in the driveway. you hopped in the passenger seat, snatching the aux cord from the cup holder before sam could get to it.

“okay, if you’re gonna play music, at least play good music.”

you let out a fake gasp as you held a hand up to your heart, “rude! my music taste is better than yours!”

“debatable.”

you smacked his arm playfully as he pulled out of the driveway. you watched the scenery go past as sam made his way into town, the music playing in the background. you bit the inside of your cheek as you internally debated bringing up what has been up with tom recently.

if anyone would tell you, it’d be sam.

“what’s up with tom recently? i mean, he’s been a little… distant? i guess.”

he shrugged as he looked over at you, “i don’t know. i know he’s been down ever since he found out about alexis, but he’s been this way since he got home. i think he’s just trying to process everything.”

you nodded, “‘m just worried about him, you know? i know he works hard, but i think it’s really taking a toll on him.”

sam nodded, “yeah, i don’t know. he’s just been drained recently. he’ll be alright, though. i feel like this summer will pull him out of it.”

you nodded, “yeah, i hope so.”

he pulled up to the bagel shop, parking the car before the both of you got out. he opened the door to the shop for you, making you smile as you walked in. sam followed behind you. the owner of the shop smiled, seeing sam as he greeted him.

“mr. holland! welcome back to the island!”

sam laughed, “‘sup, ken. can i get-”

“your usuals? i’ve got you, sam.”

“thanks, mate.”

“of course, anything for my favorite customer!”

you and sam made small talk, smiling as ken called sam’s name.

“anything else for you, son?”

“that’ll do it, ken. thank you.”

“of course! you enjoy it! tell your mom and dad i said hello.”

“sure thing.”

sam paid for the food before grabbing the brown bag. you opened the door for him, making him laugh.

“wow, thank you, miss.”

“of course, sir.”

the ride back to the house was quiet, nothing but the sound of your summer playlist playing through the speakers. you couldn’t help but wonder what was going on with tom. you knew that he was having a hard time with things, but to go MIA for hours a day, it wasn’t like him.

which is why you were surprised that you saw his black audi parked outside of the house when you got back. your heart beat quickened, the two of you walking inside as you followed the commotion coming from the kitchen. you smiled, placing the bag of bagels down on the island as everyone settled down. you and sam shared a look at everyone’s sudden quietness, wondering what it was that they didn’t want you two knowing about.

“hey, sweetie,” your mom smiled, “we were just talking about what we’re going to do for your birthday in a couple weeks.”

“nikki’s talking about having a party.” harry blurted and austin elbowed him. you laughed, handing out the bagels as you shook your head.

“we don’t have to have a party, nikki.”

“no, but it’d be fun! we haven’t had a party here for you since you were 21.”

“plus, haz and tuwaine could come in, and kat. i’m sure they’d all love to come.” tom suggested, everyone nodding at the idea. you shrugged, opening the foil wrapping of your bagel before taking a bite.

“it’ll be fun, y/n,” sam said, agreeing with the others, “let us celebrate you.”

you sighed, knowing you were going to lose this fight, “god, alright! fine, but i don’t want anything big. us, maybe a few girls from the deb if any of them aren’t unbearable, kat, tuwaine and haz. that’s it. nothing big, please.”

“the deb?” austin asked, “aren’t you a little too old for the deb?”

you rolled your eyes, “not too old to be a big sister.”

“you’re gonna be a big?” your mom asked and you looked over at nikki who smiled.

“i asked her this morning, one of the girls they had as a big can’t do it because she got sick. i told them that y/n would fill her place. i think it’d be fun, y’know? having a little sister, being a mentor for a girl. it’s exciting.”

“you don’t have to go to the ball do you?” paddy asked, scrunching his nose at the memory of you going to the deb ball. you shrugged, looking over at nikki.

“no, she doesn’t have to. she’s just there to be a mentor.”

“good, deb balls are bullshit, anyway.” tom mumbled. the boys agreed and you locked eyes with tom. 

“they’re not bullshit.” you said back.

“really? being around girls who are too worried about the price of a dress and the way their hair looks than anything else?”

“so you’re saying i suddenly care about the way my hair looks?”

“clearly not.” he shot back, looking at the messy bun on the top of your head. you narrowed your eyes at him as sam let out a whistle, widening his eyes at the fact that he knows his brother is about to be in deep shit.

“y’know what, at least i actually converse with the family and i’m not always off doing god knows what.”

everyone fell silent, listening to the both of you hash it out. you weren’t sure where his sudden outburst came from, but you knew it was kind of uncalled for. 

“just saying, the deb isn’t your scene. never was, never will be.”

you rolled your eyes, “right, because you know what’s best for me.”

“okay, let’s chill out for a second, guys.” nikki interfered. you got up from your seat at the island, throwing your trash away as you made your way out the back door. you didn’t mean to, but you heard the slam of the door on your way out. you walked down the path to the beach, finding comfort in the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. you sat with your hands in your lap, taking in the view once more.

suddenly, there was a golden retriever running up to you. you smiled, greeting the dog as you pet his head. you laughed as he licked your face, hearing someone call for the dog.

“oh my god, i’m so sorry.” you looked up and smiled, meeting a pair of brown eyes. you smiled back at the boy. he had a head full of brown curls, a perfectly sunkissed body, and a small scar on his cheek. you hadn’t realized that you’d been staring at the stranger, a blush forming on your cheeks as he scanned over your facial features, also.

“no, it’s okay,” you smiled, “he’s just a boy who doesn’t get any lovin’, huh?”

the boy let out a laugh, “yeah, we can say that.”

“what’s his name?”

“tarzan.” he smiled.

“hi, tarzan,” you giggled before looking up at the boy who looked to be around your age, “sorry, i’m y/n. nice to meet you.”

“shawn,” he said, “nice to meet you, too.”

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[lemoncrushh]

The Entertainer II - Track 16 - On Fire

Summary: What if it wasn’t the end? What if Sky did actually see Harry at the Forum in the early 80s, and he saw her too? What if fate took hold of them both, and they realized their journey was not over? Set in 1981, Harry and Sky’s story continues with more music, more romance, and a few more twists and turns.

STORY PAGE

Track 16 Word Count: 4.8k+

Read The Entertainer

“I can’t believe this is your last day,” Donna pouted.

“Me neither,” I said, mimicking her tone. Although I was over the top thrilled about going on tour with Harry, I would miss my friend.

“Will you write? Send me a postcard or something?”

“Of course.”

Because it was a beautiful day in LA, we sat outside for lunch. As I sipped on my iced tea, I listened to Donna tell me how excited she was for me, as well as envious. It was much like my phone conversation with Halo a few nights before. Although she’d decided to get a bit more serious with me, sharing some friendly advice.

“Make sure you have condoms,” she’d instructed.

“Halo, I’m on the pill.”

“For back up. Trust me, you’ll be so busy and wild, you might forget to take a pill or something.”

“Okay. What else?” I asked, humoring her.

“Promise me you’ll call if things…don’t go as planned.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know. If this rockstar life isn’t what you thought it would be. If you wanna come home.”

I sighed. “Halo, I’m not-”

“You don’t know for sure,” she interrupted. “Harry’s an amazing guy. But…you never know what could happen. Just…call me if you’re not loving it.”

“Mary? Yoohoo, Mary, you haven’t left me already, have you?”

I blinked several times and shook my head. Donna was staring at me with a funny look on her face.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“Gosh, you really were in your own world,” she laughed. “But it’s understandable. I asked if you were all packed.”

“Oh. Yeah, mostly. I just need to pack my toiletries and last minute items.”

“What about your apartment?”

“Harry’s taken care of it. He’s paid for my rent while I’m gone.”

“Wow! Must be nice having a famous boyfriend!”

I looked down at my plate and picked at my salad.

“I’m sorry,” Donna muttered. “I didn’t mean it like it sounded.”

“I know,” I nodded.

My friends meant well. I knew they were both happy for me, that I’d found Harry and that I was getting to embark on this journey with him. It made sense that they would be a little concerned too. And I had to admit I was a little scared. Well, I admitted it to myself. Not to anyone else. But mostly, I was just ready to leave. I was ready to live my life. My life in Los Angeles up to then had been good. It had brought me Harry in the first place. But other than the little road trips I took with Halo five years ago, and the one family trip I took to the Grand Canyon when I was ten, I had never really left the city. I was eager to learn what life could be elsewhere. I had never gotten the chance to really be anyone. Who was Sky? What was in store for her? Here, to most people other than Halo and Harry, I was still Mary Lou Jones. It was time for that to change.

“Goodbye to all my friends at home Goodbye to people I’ve trusted I’ve got to get out and make my way I might get rich, you know, I might get busted…”

“You ready, babe?” asked Harry.

“Huh? Oh, yeah,” I grinned at him sheepishly.

I’d been staring out the window, daydreaming as the planes ascended into the air, each going to a different city. The airport fascinated me. All these different people were about to embark on their own journeys. Harry smiled back, taking my hand as he handed our tickets to the attendant, and we walked down the jetway behind Mr. Irving, the rest of his band following us. Harry found our seats, insisting I take the window as I hadn’t flown since that Grand Canyon trip.

“You sure you’ll be okay?” Harry asked for the upteenth time since I’d told him.

“Yes, Harry.”

As I got buckled in, he gave my thigh a reassuring pat before taking my hand again and giving it a squeeze.

“Just let me know if you start to feel scared or…sick.”

“Okay,” I smiled at him. I loved that he wanted to take care of me. “I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

When the plane began to move quickly down the runway, however, I felt my stomach flip. I was glad Harry still had a hold of my hand. As the plane took off into the sky, and the ground below started to look farther and farther away, I had to swallow a few times to settle my queasiness. I didn’t want to let on though, so I kept my face toward the window, my eyes shut tight. As the noise began to dissipate, and the air felt suddenly cooler, I heard Harry whisper in my ear.

“You can open your eyes now, love.”

Exhaling, I turned my head to look at him. Though he didn’t poke fun, I knew he was holding back a smirk. Not to mention, I had a chokehold grip on his hand. I’d been caught.

“Sorry,” I breathed, releasing my fingers.

“It’s alright, baby. No harm done.” Then he leaned in and kissed me. “Just glad you’re okay.”

“Guess I need to get used to it.”

“You will,” he grinned. “Once the stewardess comes around, you can get something to drink and you’ll feel better.”

Not a moment too soon, I was able to get a ginger ale and a cup of ice. It was as though I hadn’t had liquid touch my lips in ages. And Harry was right, I did feel much better.

The rest of the flight was much easier, and even enjoyable. Harry and I played cards to pass the time until I started feeling sleepy. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to sleep on the plane, but I guess I did because the next thing I knew, Harry was nudging me awake, whispering sweetly in my ear to let me know we were about to land. Stretching, I realized he had laid a blanket over me, and I smiled at his nice gesture.

“What are you writing?” I asked as I sat up, noticing the pen and notebook in his hand.

“Just jotting down some lyrics,” he replied.

“Can I read?”

Harry shut the notebook and smirked at me. “Maybe when it’s finished.”

I made a face, crinkling my nose, and Harry tapped it twice with the tip of his finger.

“Meanie,” I pouted.

The descent of the plane was almost as bad as taking off, but I didn’t try to hide my fear this time. Harry took my hand as soon as the plane started to shake. He instructed me to sit back and shut my eyes, taking deep breaths. Fortunately, I made it through, and as soon as the wheels touched ground - with a few bumps - I was able to open my eyes again.

“Good job, babe,” Harry whispered.

The pilot made his final announcement, welcoming us to Lakeland, Florida. I followed Harry as we made our way off the plane and into the airport to baggage claim. He continued to hold my hand the entire time. I wasn’t sure if it was to reassure me, or just so we wouldn’t get separated in the crowd, but either way I appreciated it. I felt safe.

It wasn’t until we were almost near the exit, where supposedly cars were waiting for both Harry’s crew and Stargazer’s, that I heard the ripple of screams. Girls seemed to come out of nowhere, squealing and shouting. Though it was hard to hear exactly what they were saying, I managed to make out quite a few Harrys and several Hunters.

“Holy shit,” I gasped, squeezing Harry’s hand tighter.

“Sorry, love,” he leaned towards me. “I forgot to mention this could happen.”

I had to admit, I should have known myself. He was a star, after all. When I noticed security trying their best to keep the girls at bay so that we could get through, I took solace in the fact that Irving was right in front of us, leading the way. The exit doors were only about ten feet ahead.

Just when we were almost outside, I heard the loudest scream of them all, an outcry that almost sounded like someone was hurt.

“Haaaarrrryyyyy, I love youuu!”

While my head snapped to the left to see a girl with tears streaming down her face, Harry merely smiled and waved, like it was no big deal. It only seemed to make the girl cry harder, though her shouting had subsided.

Mr. Azoff ushered us into the first car, sliding in after me. As soon as the door closed and the vehicle began to move, I let out a long, exasperated sigh.

“Wow.”

“A lot different than you remember, huh?” asked Irving.

“Slightly,” I chuckled. “I know he’s bigger now, but I’m not sure I was prepared for that.”

“That was nothin’,” remarked Harry as he shook his head.

“Really? That girl who screamed she loved you didn’t think it was nothin’.”

“He means we’ve seen a lot worse,” explained Irving. “That was a breeze in comparison.”

I looked at Harry for additional information, but he didn’t seem to be in the mood to divulge any. Instead, I leaned my head on his shoulder and he hummed softly, lifting my hand to kiss the back of it.

When the driver pulled into a circular drive in front of a large hotel, I got excited. We were really here! I stood looking up at the massive building, the palm trees surrounding it while our luggage was retrieved. Then Harry placed his hand on my back and we made our way to the lobby. A concierge greeted us with a friendly smile just as Mitch, Danny and Bret walked in. She seemed to already know who we were when Mr. Irving shook her hand, and she gestured toward the front desk where we could check in.

Once Harry got our key, I noticed a bellhop was already waiting with our suitcases. Irving reminded Harry that we had the rest of the day to enjoy the hotel, he just had to be downstairs in the lobby by noon the next day for soundcheck.

Maybe I was off in La La Land and not paying attention, or maybe I just assumed we’d have a room like the one Harry’d had in Santa Barbara or even the one he’d reserved for us at Christmas in L.A., but for whatever reason, my jaw dropped when Harry inserted the key and opened the door to reveal a suite.

I was speechless when he smiled and gestured for me to enter the room first. I was speechless when I stood in the middle and eyed the sofa and matching chairs, the television against the wall. And I was still speechless when I walked into the bedroom with its king sized bed and amazing view of the pool while Harry thanked the bellboy.

When the door clicked shut, I heard his footsteps as I ran my hand down the lavish light blue bedding. He chuckled, gently touching my back.

“You can say something.”

“I’m just…in awe,” I breathed. “I wasn’t expecting this.”

“It’s actually the honeymoon suite,” said Harry. “I hope you don’t mind. I asked for it especially.”

I turned around swiftly. “You’re joking.”

Harry snickered. “Yeah, I am.”

I lightly jabbed him in the arm. “You’re awful.”

“Sorry, babe,” he laughed harder. “I couldn’t help it. You were so wide-eyed.”

“It’s a really nice room.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“And it could actually be a honeymoon suite. I wouldn’t have known the difference.”

“Well, there is one,” said Harry walking around the bed to the bathroom. “No heart-shaped tub.”

It was my turn to laugh as I plopped down onto the bed. “I think that’s just in movies and romance novels.”

“How’s the bed feel?”

“Come see for yourself,” I grinned.

I kicked off my shoes and Harry did the same, joining me on the bed. He hummed to himself as he adjusted the pillows to his liking, then stretched his legs out.

“What do you think?”

“I think…” he paused, then nodded, “it’s time.”

“Time for what?”

“To christen it.”

I giggled as he turned onto his side to face me. Pulling my body closer, he lightly pecked my lips before licking his own. Then he kissed me softly, slowly darting his tongue into my mouth until I urged him on with my own. When his hand slipped under my shirt, goosebumps erupted on my skin and I scooted my hips closer to his.

“Sorry, baby,” he whispered between kisses. “I should have asked if you wanted to nap first.”

“Nuh uh,” I moaned. “Nap after.”

He grinned against my mouth. “That’s what I was hoping you’d say.”

“Here come the jesters, one, two, three It’s all part of my fantasy I love the music, and I love to see the crowd Dancing in the aisles and singing out loud…”

The arena was buzzing with excitement. I hadn’t even realized until we’d arrived that it was a sold-out show. It made sense though as Stargazer was currently one of the hottest rock acts with their newest album reaching number one. And Harry’s solo album was already zooming up the charts. Their tour was certainly the hottest ticket in town, like getting two for the price of one.

I waited with Harry backstage as he strummed his guitar. While I was giddy and happy to be with him, part of me wished Halo was there. I knew she would have enjoyed it. Or perhaps I was only feeling nostalgic for the old times. While Halo was still my best friend, she had changed the most out of the two of us. Maybe she wasn’t into hanging out with rock bands anymore, and that was fine. But for just a moment I missed having her with me.

I must have been daydreaming, because next thing I knew, Harry rose from his chair and a roadie took his guitar from him. Then he turned to me with a sexy grin.

“You’ll be watching from the side, yeah?”

“Of course.”

He slid his hands around my waist, pulling me flush against his hips. “You’re so fucking gorgeous, babe. I’m gonna be thinking about you in this little dress the whole time.”

I blushed as I bit the side of my tongue. I’d slipped into a little black sundress right before we’d left the hotel. While I’d brought a variety of clothes with me, I wasn’t sure how the weather would be in Florida in February. But it was already proving to be pretty balmy. And I knew the concert - particularly watching Harry - would heat me up even more.

“I was wondering if you were gonna say anything, but I figured you had other things on your mind.”

“Are you kidding? I’ve been trying to focus on everything but. Ever since you put it on. Been trying not to get a hard-on.”

“Get serious,” I chuckled just before he covered my mouth with his.

“Harry, let’s go man.”

The voice sounded far away, but I recognized it as Mitch’s. Breaking away from the kiss, Harry leaned his forehead against mine.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Sky.”

“Me too, baby. I love you.”

“I love you more.”

The audience erupted in cheers and screams as soon as the lights went out. I took my place off stage, to the side where no one could see me, but I had a great view of the band. Mr. Irving stood beside me. As soon as the opening riff of “Ignition” rang out, the stage lights danced, and Harry strutted out on stage in all his glory. The crowd went insane. I placed my hand over my heart, feeling it pounding in my chest.

I took turns watching Harry and the band and the audience. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw a good portion of the crowd singing along, particularly to the new songs. Harry had them in the palm of his hand. While he was very much the rockstar I’d known him to be, he added a few new moves and nuances to his repertoire. He had become one with the audience. He was sexy while also being approachable. He was silly while also being charming. He had matured, but he remained ever so humble.

Towards the end of their setlist, Bret kicked into a short drum solo while Harry grabbed a drink from a glass sitting on the riser. When he turned, our eyes met, and he gave me a wink. Then stepping toward the mic, he spread his arms out like wings. With a count-off from Bret, the band went into “Drunk on Her.” Once again, the crowd reacted with sheer hysteria, the front section screaming along to the lyrics. If it was at all possible, I thought it was the best the group had ever sounded on the song, even on the record. I was astounded when Harry picked up the mic stand and threw his head back, singing the last chorus as though he had mustered up even more sex appeal. Then he all but tossed the mic stand to the side, grabbing the microphone and running along the front of the stage, from one side to the next. I watched a couple of girls on the front row who were probably pissing in their pants, especially when he stopped right in front of them, knelt down and sang right to them. With the hugest wide grin, he stood back up, turned around, raised his arms again, and counted with the band for the big finish.

“Oh shit, Styles is on fire tonight,” I heard a voice say behind me.

I turned my head to see Hunter and his band. I hadn’t even realized they’d been standing there, nor for how long. I had been so lost in Harry’s performance.

“He’s something, isn’t he?” I beamed.

“Damn right.”

When I turned back around to look at Harry again, Hunter - or maybe it was one of his bandmates - muttered something that I couldn’t quite make out. But I thought it sounded like “...and a lucky motherfucker.” I wasn’t sure what that could mean. Was he referring to me?

Quickly dismissing the remark, I returned my attention to my boyfriend who was indeed on fire, giving the crowd exactly what they’d come for, and more. Finishing another of his new songs, he spoke into the microphone, thanking everyone for coming to the show.

“This has been the best night of my life,” he said, his hand over his heart. “Thank you for sharing it with me.”

Then he went into one of Wildfire’s biggest hits. I watched in awe and with a lump in my throat as he sang his heart out. His long curls had gotten messy, his chest glistening with sweat. I couldn’t tell if I was more proud or turned on. I almost had to laugh at myself. The feeling was overwhelming as I clutched my hands together, singing along just like the people in the front row.

When the song came to an end, and Harry said thank you again and goodnight, he jogged off stage to where I stood. He scooped me up in his arms, lifted me up and spun me around, making me dizzy. I giggled as I smiled down at him. I could hear the hoots and hollers around us from the other men, but I paid no attention in that moment. All that mattered was Harry and the way he was looking at me.

“You were amazing!” I exclaimed as he brought me back down.

“Fantastic, man!” agreed Hunter, clapping along to the still shouting audience.

The rest of the band made their way off stage then, joining our circle. Everyone cheered each other on, sharing compliments and camaraderie.

“Thanks, mate,” I heard Harry say after he’d given his final hug. “I could use a drink.”

“C’mon, I think some champagne is in order,” announced Mr. Azoff, taking us all by surprise.

“Coulda used some of that before the show,” laughed Bret.

“It’s for celebrating,” Irving tutted.

“Hell, any time’s good for celebrating, is what I say.”

We followed Irving backstage where he had a bottle waiting in the dressing room. He let Harry do the honors, the cork opening with a loud pop. We all cheered again as he began to fill glasses. Then Mr. Irving gave a lovely speech about Harry and his band, congratulating them on a triumphant first show.

After just a few minutes, it was time for Stargazer to take the stage. Harry and I stayed back for just a moment as we finished our champagne. But mostly, I think he wanted to be alone with me.

“Sky…” he murmured, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. “I can’t even explain how that felt.”

“I could tell you felt great out there. I think you sounded better than ever.”

“Not just the performing,” he said. “But knowing you were here. Looking over and seeing you. God, that felt so fucking amazing, babe.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

His hand on my neck, he tilted his head and brushed his lips against mine. I sighed and he deepened the kiss, his sweet tongue filling my mouth. The sound of the crowd’s cheers finally broke our kiss and Harry grinned.

“There’s another band to watch.”

“This time I get to watch with you,” I smiled.

Taking my hand, we joined the rest of his band on the side of the stage. Perhaps I was being a bit biased, but I didn’t seem to hear any difference in the level of noise between Harry’s opening song and Stargazer’s. They were a really good, tight band though, and I enjoyed watching them. During their second song, I suddenly felt Harry’s hand on my hip as I swayed to the rhythm.

“Wish their set was as short as mine,” he said in my ear.

“Why?”

“Because you’re killing me in this dress.”

I eyed him with a cheeky grin, moving my hips even more. I laughed when he narrowed his eyes and mouthed “I need it OFF!”

I licked my lips seductively at him, biting the bottom one before I walked around him to the backstage hallway. I waited for just a moment until he followed me, his eyebrows raised in question. Then I headed for his dressing room, closing and locking the door behind him.

“Babe-” he began just before I silenced him with a kiss.

He responded just the way I’d hoped as I started walking backwards while I unbuttoned his shirt. I guided him to the sofa - or maybe he guided me - where he sat, pulling me with him. Straddling him, I continued to kiss him until he pushed me back slightly.

“Babe, what…”

His chest was heaving, his gorgeous lips parted as he stared at me incredulously.

“What am I doing?” I teased, one of the straps from my dress falling down my shoulder as I reached down to grab his belt. “What do you think I’m doing?”

A low chuckle rose from his throat. “I want you so fuckin’ bad, and I just wanna make sure that’s what you want, ‘cause-”

“Shh,” I silenced him with my finger, my other hand working on his buttonfly.

Harry hastily tugged on my strap, pulling my dress down further to reveal my breast. As soon as I had his jeans open, I slid my arm through the strap so it wouldn’t be in the way. Then his mouth quickly found my bare skin, his tongue swirling around my nipple. I threw my head back with a moan before reaching into his pants. Of course he’d gone commando. That seemed to be a regular thing for show nights. Though I’d never asked him about it, I assumed it was just less material to sweat through.

He was hard and ready for me. I licked my lips again as he lifted his head to look at me. Then sliding his hands up my thighs, he pulled up the bottom of my dress.

“Nuh uh,” I commanded. “Dress stays on for now.

“Bloody hell!” he groaned, although he seemed fine with just easing down my panties. I rose from the couch to step out of them, swiftly returning to my post.

“Can I at least feel how wet you are for me?”

His words made me smile, turning me on even more. I nodded and he slipped his hand under my dress.

“Absolutely soaked,” he growled as he touched me.

“What do you expect? I’ve been watching you strut on stage like a rock god.”

“Is that what I am?”

I nodded, unable to form any more words as his finger entered me. I bit my lip as I ran my fingernails down his chest, grinding my hips.

“Harry…” I finally breathed. “Please.”

Releasing his hand, Harry aimed his cock and I lifted my hips.

“Ready to fuck your rock god?”

“Mmhmm.”

We both hissed as I sank down slowly over him. When he reached me deeply, I gasped, but we soon found a steady rhythm. I stared Harry in the eyes as I rode him. He seemed to like that, a quiver of a smirk on his face until it started to feel too good and he leaned in to kiss me.

Other than low moans, we tried not to make too much noise. Not that anyone would have heard us, with the concert going on just feet away. I couldn’t tell what song was playing, but I could feel the beat of the bass drum, so I started to move in time with it. Harry noticed, grabbing hold of my hips as he bucked his own against me.

“Fuck, babe, I’m gonna come already.”

“Does it feel good?”

“Amazing. Ah, Jesus, baby, I’m so close.”

While it felt amazing to me as well, I was happy to watch him reach his high. I rode him a little faster as he bit his lip, his eyebrows knitted together. But then, he surprised me by reaching between us and pressing his thumb on my clitoris, moving in circles. I cried out in pleasure, feeling myself nearing the edge.

“Come for me, babe. You’re so fucking sexy when you come. Lemme watch you.”

I tried my best to focus on his face, but the feeling was too intense. My palms were sweaty, and I had to move my hands to the back of the couch. Then in an instant, my vision blurred, and I called out his name as I rode out my orgasm.

“Fuck!” Harry cried, reaching his own.

He grabbed my hips tighter since I could barely move anymore, and fucked into me hard for a few more thrusts until his body stilled and he moaned in my ear.

“That…” he tried to catch his breath, “that was fuckin’ intense.”

“Tell me about it.”

“God damn,” Harry managed to chuckle. “You little tiger, you.”

“Me? You’re the one who commented on my dress.”

“But you’re the one wearing it.”

I laughed as I stood up, making my way to the bathroom. When I returned, he was still on the sofa, his head back, but his jeans were buttoned.

“You okay?” I asked in a teasing tone.

“Yeah. Just waiting for you.”

“Did I murder you again?”

“Yeah,” he laughed. “But I love it when you do.”

“Guess you weren’t the only one on fire tonight,” I giggled.

With a smirk, Harry lifted his head, beckoning me. I straddled him once more, but only to give him a kiss.

“I love you, Sky,” he whispered as my lips made their way to his ear. I couldn’t help it. Maybe it was Florida doing things to me. Or just the idea of being with him on tour. But I was more attracted to him than ever.

“I love you, too…my rock god.”

“How do you like tour so far?” he wiggled his brows.

“I can definitely get used to this,” I replied.

After a few more kisses, Harry and I walked back to the side of the stage. I noticed Bret and Mr. Irving had left, but Mitch, Danny and Stargazer’s manager, Charlie, were still watching the show. Danny gave us a pointed look while Mitch merely rolled his eyes.

“Hey,” Harry whispered to me. “Aren’t you glad there’s not a no girls rule?”

I giggled, “Yeah. I don’t think I could keep my hands to myself this time around.”

Harry chuckled, running his hand down my back to my rear. “Tiger, you are,” he commented.

When I made a meowing sound, he responded with a growl and squeezed it.

“Turned on to love like it’s the latest style I get response from just a look with a smile She’s like a bomb that’s about to explode Just one touch and she begins to unload She’s on fire My baby’s on fire…”

Songs mentioned:

Steve Miller Band - Jet Airliner

Bad Company - Rock n' Roll Fantasy

Sammy Hagar - Baby's on Fire

Taglist: @fkinavocado, @daphnesutton, @freedomfireflies

MASTERLIST | KO-FI | FEEDBACK

[0nlythrowharrybeaux]

Young American - Part 16**

Hello friends! I finally finished this chapter! It's kind of a filler to set up for her meeting his family next! I haven't decided if their trip will just be one or two chapters, but that's what's coming next! Also, a visual of her dress for the wedding will be posted at the very end! Thank you for your patience I've had the longest week!

Series Masterlist

Warnings: unprotected sex (p in v), a little dry humping moment, breeding kink

WC: 8K

Today was the day in which Y/N would finally be able to tattoo her aunt. She had been looking forward to this for years and the time had finally come. Harry had offered his place for a bit more privacy now that he had brought over all of his equipment, but Julie insisted that they do it at the shop. She took the final appointment of the day, at 5:30pm, so that they would kind of have some private time as it would kind of be big tattoo. Harry drew up the stencil while Y/N introduced Julie to everyone she hadn’t met yet. They had been super sweet and bought her a healthy cake, well as healthy as cake could get, balloons and flowers. Julie really enjoyed getting to know everyone and finally when it was time to get on the table she greeted Harry and chatted with him while Y/N got set up. 

“Alright, ready?” Y/N asked.

“I’ve been ready.” Julie said with a grin and Y/N, G, and Harry chuckled and just like that Y/N was going over the first line of the stencil. G started asking her about why she wanted this tattoo and Julie explained her interest in it and what it meant to her. Harry listened on as well, but was more assisting Y/N is she needed the supplies or more ink or vaseline, like the good boyfriend he was. It was such an intricate tattoo that Y/N was just quiet and focusing on keeping to the stencil of the flower of life pattern, but also to keep her emotions in check; she couldn’t start to tear up in the middle of this. 

The rest of the crew did hang back and they ordered some dinner as well, wanting to wait and show their support for Y/N’s first large tattoo, but also such a special one to her. They did take a little break to eat before Y/N jumped back into it with Julie and Harry at her side while everyone else socialized a bit in the lounge before they started to head home. Now Y/N was starting to work on the outer elements, which were inspired by some mandala art that Julie really wanted incorporated.

“How are you feeling, darling?” Julie asked Y/N and she just exhaled a bit shakily.

“Honestly, just trying to keep it together.” She admitted with a soft smile and Julie sighed.

“Me too.” She confessed through a giggle, “H, can I bug you to take a vide for my instagram story?” Julie asked.

“Yeah, of course.” He said turning back to the counter where she’d set her things down.

“The password’s 1983.” She said and he typed it in before finding her instagram app and starting to record the story. Harry actually had a great eye behind the lens and so Y/N didn’t question it when he started to record but crouched down and then made his way around to show Julie smiling at the head of the bench. He then let it replay for her to see, “Oh, that’s really good! Save it, and then type “getting tattooed by my lovely niece, and tag her, and then put dream come true.” Harry did just as he was told and then posted the story. He also snapped a few pictures for her and was messing around with them, editing them to make them stand out a bit more until Y/N needed help with other things. It was reaching the 3 hour mark as they approached the final elements of the tatoo.

“I think it’ll be another 30-40 minutes. You doing OK?” Harry asked Julie who hummed. She enjoyed getting tattooed and she hadn’t been tattooed in ages for fear of exposing herself or risking her health. She knew tatoo shops were clean, but sometimes people still came in if they were sick and things like that, so it had been a while. She wasn’t in pain or feeling any discomfort because she was just so happy to finally be doing this with Y/N. “And you, baby?” Harry asked Y/N, “How’s your hand?” He asked. This had been her longest tattoo ever.

“It’s alright. I took a preventative Tylenol after eating.” She said quietly and he smiled before he gently kissed her head while she dipped into the ink cup.

“It’s looking really good.” He assured and she glanced up at him with a smile.

“Thank you, baby.” She responded before she got back to it. After another 20 minutes she was just shading around certain areas to make them stand out more and Harry was just looking over everything else one last time.

“That’s so fucking sick. It looks really good.” Harry grinned happily.

“I can’t wait to see it!” Julie squealed in excitement and Y/N and Harry both chuckled. He snapped a few more pictures on his phone of the work being done and soon he started cleaning up everything that Y/N was no longer using. 

“Alright, I think we’re just about done.” Y/N announced.

“Here, my love.” Harry said placing down some clean paper towels down for her with his now gloved hands.

“Thanks, baby.” She responded quietly and Julie was just smiling at their interactions. She was obsessed with the way he doted on her. Soon she heard the machine power off and Y/N sighed. “All done! Let me just clean you up a bit.” She said before dabbing at the area she’d just tattooed with some paper towels to soak up the excess ink.

“Here’s some more, baby.” Harry said handing Y/N another wad of the paper towels. “S’gonna be cold.” She warned Julie as she squirted a soapy water mix onto the paper towels Harry had just handed her and then she gently dabbed against the area she had just finished tattooing. The cold of the damp paper towel was a nice and soothing contrast against the hot and stinging sensation that was taking over now that the tattoo was done. “It looks so good.” Y/N gushed and Julie squealed excitedly before Y/N helped her up. 

Harry started to clean up a bit as Y/N took Julie over to the mirror and started to show her the tattoo. Julie started to cry tears of happiness as she inspected the work on her body. Harry could hear her telling Y/N how much she loved it and how proud she was of her. He did give them a bit of space and then Y/N showed her the bathroom so that she could get her shirt back on, as she was currently just holding it against her front.

“Ahhh.” Y/N groaned quietly as more tears pricked at her eyes and Harry smiled at her and pulled her closer.

“S’alright love. I’m so fucking proud of you.” He said quietly as his hands landed on her lips and she smiled.

“Thank you, baby. And thanks for helping with the design too and everything you did today. It means a lot to me that you were also here for this.” She sniffled.

“I’m happy I was able to be here too.” He smiled before he kissed her forehead. They finished cleaning up and were soon locking up the shop. “See you tomorrow?” He hummed as Y/N leaned into his hold and she nodded.

“Yeah. Love you.”

“Love you.” He hummed before their lips met in a sweet peck, “Bye, Julie. I’ll probably see you tomorrow too.” He smiled and she nodded as they kissed cheeks before he got on his motorcycle. Y/N hadn’t ridden on it and as much as she wanted to, she was nervous to try so she wouldn’t be going home with him when he rode on it for the time being, but maybe someday is what she had told him. She and Julie got in Y/N’s car and made their way home. Julie was being very mindful of not resting against the seat, which was proving to be difficult and they were having a laugh about it as she said that hovering the way she was, was a killer ab workout.

“So Harry was telling me something about you maybe going to visit England with him.” Julie brought up and Y/N smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, his cousin’s getting married in like mid May.” She smiled.

“What’s stopping you?”

“Well, nothing really anymore. Like I said I’ll go, but it’s just expensive.” She explained, “He said he’d take care of the tickets, but I feel kind of bad.” She sighed.

“Well if you need help I can certainly pitch in.” she assured and Y/N sighed.

“I don’t want to impose.”

“It’s not an imposition, darling. You love him, he loves you, and he wants his family to meet you and get to know you. This is a big step!” She said with a smile and Y/N sighed.

“It is, isn’t it?” She asked with a slightly nervous smile.

“Yeah! I don’t want you to be worried about anything except showing his family how lovely you are.” Julie said and Y/N smiled.

“You know, a few weeks ago at your little remission party?” Y/N reminded, “We kind of started talking about marriage.”

“Oh…” Julie said quietly and Y/N hummed.

“Yeah, he asked if I ever wanted to get married and what would it be like, big or small. He said that he had envisioned it while we were washing the dishes together after dinner.” She smiled as she recalled the moment.

“And…have you thought about it too?” She asked Y/N and she smiled.

“I mean…yeah.” She confirmed, “I thought about something small. I’d invite you, grandma, and my parents and hopefully they show up. The people from the shop and some friends from college.” She shrugged, “And just doing something tiny like that. We probably won’t feed you guys, sorry in advance,” she said and Julie chuckled, “and we’d just drive away in the Ferrari to wherever we feel like going.” Y/N finished with a smile.

“Oh to be young and in love…makes you feel invincible.”

“I’d like to think that we kind of are.” She hummed softly and Julie smiled.

“I mean, I think you kind of are.” She added and Y/N couldn’t help the giddy giggle that poured from her lips.

“Thank you.” She said joyfully.

“Do you see yourself staying here? Or what if he wants to move back to London?” 

“Wherever is fine.” She said, “I love it here and he does too, but if for any reason he needs to go back there I mean, I’d go if he asked.” She stated wit certainty.

“And bring me with you?” Julie asked.

“Of course.” Y/N grinned.

“You know, I genuinely feel like if I ever had a kid they would be exactly like Harry.” Julie said, “I think that’s why I’ve taken to him so well. He feels familiar in a way, he fits right in.”

“He really does fit in well…though I’m really glad he’s not my cousin.” Y/N said and Julie laughed.

“Well, in all honesty I feel like you’re both my kids and it makes me happy that you’re both this happy.” Julie said, “I’m just especially really proud of you, darling. You’ve come a long way and you’ve really grown up since you’ve been out here with me and I know that it hasn’t always been easy, but I mean, it all has been worth it, hasn’t it?” 

“It really has. Thank you for always supporting me, it’s meant the world.” Y/N glanced briefly to her aunt before she focused back on the road. After some more discussion about her trip Julie decided that she would be contributing to her trip to England by helping her buy a dress for the occasion. It was a black tie wedding, so a proper, formal gown was mandatory for the event, and well she was excited to be able to go dress shopping with Julie in the near future. 

As she lay in bed Y/N couldn’t help but feel so incredibly nervous over meeting Harry’s family; it was really starting to sink in. She had never met a partner’s family before and she’d never even been out of the country! So overall, everything she was about to do was new. He had talked to her about them before and gave her some idea of what they were like, she’d seen a few pictures he’d shown her, but that was about it. She didn’t doubt that they were a lovely and welcoming bunch, much like he was, her concern came in when it came to her. What impression would she make? What had he told them about her? Would they not support their relationship in fear that he’d move out to LA with her? There were just so many things that were racing through her mind. The buzzing of her vibrating phone and the soft ringtone playing pulled her from the chaos descending in her mind and she saw it was Harry.

“Hi baby.” She whispered as she pressed the phone to her ear.

“Hi.” He hummed.

“Is everything OK?” She asked.

“No. It’s damn near impossible to sleep in my bed without you.” He said softly and then she heard something that sounded like a door closing in the background.

“Did you go somewhere?” She asked in concern.

“Yeah.” He said.

“Oh, a midnight snack?” She asked with a knowing grin.

“No, just a short drive, baby.”

“Oh. Are you just getting home?” She asked.

“Yes, baby. Now come open the door, s’cold.” He said and her smile grew wide as she sat up.

“Yes, OK! I’ll be there in a tick.” She hummed before hanging up and getting into her slippers and quietly padding through the house and to the front door where she quietly turned the locks and slowly opened up the door to reveal Harry in a hoodie and shorts with his overnight bag hanging from his shoulder. “Hi.” She smiled.

“Hey.” He grinned happily as she moved aside to let him in. As soon as she closed the door he turned her around by the hips and pressed her back into it as he he attached their lips in a sensual kiss while turning the locks. It made her knees weak and entire body spark up with excitement as he once again, effectively took her breath away as their lips moved together, “Missed you.” He mumbled against her mouth before sneaking in a bit of tongue, “Can’t. Sleep. Without you. Anymore.” He muttered between kisses. It felt like they were in a never ending honeymoon stage, they couldn’t get enough of each other. The obsession they shared from the moment they realized they had feelings for each other continued on just as intensely.

“Neither can I.” She admitted softly and he hummed, quite content to hear that, “C’mon then, let’s get to bed.” She whispered and he nodded. As soon as they got into her room Harry threw off his hoodie and laid it on the little bench at the foot of her bed before climbing under the already warm covers. She climbed in behind him and he was quick to settled himself against her chest and she pressed a kiss to his head before he shifted to lower his head closer to her chest.

“Tickle my arm.” He said quietly and she hummed in confirmation before she started gently running her fingertips over the expanse of his arm. “What were you doing awake?”

“Just thinking about meeting your family.” 

“Oh, what about it?”

“I’m just a little nervous I guess, never done that before.”

“Oh I see. Well, they’ve only met one really awful person, so you already have that advantage over the previous person.” He said and she giggled.

“Nice. But ummm, what if they’re concerned that you’ll be too busy to visit because of me or that I’m like…holding you back from moving back home?” She asked. Harry was smiling, she was adorable, her concerns about meeting his family weren’t even about her, it was about how his family might feel about certain things. Before Y/N he literally couldn’t understand when people would say that they fell in love with their partner over and over again, every day. She showed him just how that was possible and moments like these played a part of it.

“Well first off, “home” is wherever we’re together. Here, there, the middle of the ocean, the death star, literally anywhere you are is my home.” He said quietly as her smile grew, “And second, well my family just how much I was struggling in London. I wasn’t in a good place in my life, I wasn’t myself, I was miserable, even though they were there.” He explained, “Being here, with new people, new opportunities, you…it’s helped me find myself again and my family loves that for me, even if that means there’s a whole country and ocean between us. They just want me to be happy and even though they don’t know you personally, they know of you and they know how you’ve helped me and been there for me and encouraged me to be my best self, so they already love you for that. They understand why I needed to leave and will certainly understand it if I chose to stay.” He explained softly. “Do you think I’ll be able to meet the rest of your family?” He asked and she sighed.

“I hope so.” She whispered, “I want you to, for sure. Maybe for my birthday? I’d like to do something here, but maybe it’d be best to go over there.” She said and he smiled.

“Yeah, that’d be nice. Show your dad you’re trying.”

“Yeah.” She sighed.

“Also, I’m extremely proud of you for tattooing Julie. I know it was a big moment for you both, and you kept it together.” He smiled.

“Barely. Thank you, baby.” She hummed softly.

“Of course, my love.” He responded. “Do you know what you’re gonna wear yet?” He asked, “Wanna match with you. I have like regular black suit; which I can also use as a tux.”

“A tux you say…” she hummed with a smile and he chuckled.

“Yeah, baby. Every guy should have a good suit handy.” He said and she smiled. She’d never seen him in a suit, he was always very casual, but she was looking forward to seeing him in a new light. It would give her a sneak peek as to what he would look like when they got married. 

“Well, Julie is gonna take me dress shopping soon. Just wear what you have and I’ll match to you, You can just match your tie with me if you really want to, like for prom.” She decided with a quiet giggle.

“Prom…” he chuckled, “Those were the days. I mean, I more had like a spring formal, but we called it prom amongst ourselves because well, it’s iconic, you know? The only good thing about America.” He said softly and she scoffed, “Apart from you, of course. And the beaches here…” there was a pause, “Oh and the Mexican and Italian food…” he added and they fell quiet again, “Oh! And the snacks. I had no idea I was conforming until I moved here.” He said and she laughed quietly, “I’m serious! There’s less flavors I think, but they taste better somehow?”

“Yeah, it’s called chemicals & preservatives.” She mumbled.

“So? They’re superior, besides it’s not like I’m eating snacks all the time.” He said and she chuckled.

“Sure thing, H. I know you’re the one fucking up the barbecue flavored lays and spicy nacho Doritos at the shop.” She called him out and his body shook with his laughter, it was the truth.

“Just…let me have that.” He sighed and she smiled.

“Wait until you try pizza-flavored Pringles. You’ll be buying them by the pallet.” She said and he chuckled.

“Then maybe don’t introduce me to them.” He said with a chuckle and she smiled.“You know, we’re gonna be out there for a week and a half…there are tons of places I want to take you to and people I want you to meet. We can visit Eddie too, of course. Ummm…we might be put on babysitting duties at some point.”

“That’s fine, I’m great with kids.” She assured.

“Oh excellent, I am too!”

“That’s cute.” She hummed.

“I’m just excited to have you out there with me. I already know everything’s gonna be perfect.” He smiled.

**********

This was now the second trip Y/N and Julie had been on and still, Y/N had not found a dress that she loved. She realized that she was just a guest to this wedding and that she didn’t have to look breathtaking, but she also didn’t want to look plain and like sh emailed minimal effort for this. She wanted to feel and look pretty and to make a good impression on Harry’s family. She wanted to show that she was interested in putting effort in for their stuff too. So with another “thank you” called out to the shop keeper she and Julie made their way out of the boutique.

“Let’s try one more place.” Julie said and Y/N sighed.

“I’m kinda over it to be honest. Everything is so basic.” She huffed in some disappointment.

“Yeah…well just last one of the day and then we can get lunch, yeah?”

“Deal.” She said as they walked down the street looking for yet another formal wear boutique. When they found one they headed inside. The space was quite small and the dresses there were really beaded and over the top, YN glanced to Julie about to tell her that they should just leave but then an older lady coming out from the backroom and greeting them excitedly.

“Welcome, welcome!” She smiled brightly, “What can I help you find today?” She asked.

“My niece here is a guest to a black tie wedding, so she’s just looking for something elegant and tasteful, but a bit different.” Julie explained and Y/N just bore a smile to the woman and nodded. She asked about what kind of colors and silhouettes she was drawn to and Y/N explained that she wanted something unique and a little more form fitting, that wouldn’t make her stand out too much. So they started looking through some racks together and well, it was giving prom more than wedding guest. But none the less, Julie and the lady from the store were pulling things out that she was willing to try. After about 10 minutes of searching she saw narrowed her eyes as she saw a floral piece of fabric sandwiched perfectly amidst some intense tulle gowns and she reached for it and drew it out and immediately smiled.

“Oh my god.” She smiled at the luck she had in seeing this dress, “It’s perfect.” She whispered to herself, “Julie, this is it.” She said turning towards Julie who came over from another rack right away.

“Oh…yeah, I can see you wearing that.” She smiled to Y/N, “It’s beautiful.”

“Right. Ma’am I’d like to try this one.” She said and the woman came over and pulled it off the rack and showed it to her properly. The fabric was organza and it was a black base in color with dark red and almost fuchsia colored roses printed on it. It was a slimmer fit with some boning at the torso to enhance the shape of one’s curves and it was floor length, the bottom was three tiers of ruffles, giving the dress a very tame mermaid silhouette. She normally wouldn’t go for a strapless dress or a mermaid style, but it was just so perfect and feminine and breathtaking that she had to try it.

“I just wanted to let you know that we were sent this dress in error, so it is the only one we have in our inventory.” She explained and Y/N wanted to cry. If it didn’t fit she would lose her mind.

“Ummm, OK. Well, hopefully it fits.” She sighed and Julie crossed her fingers as Y/N headed over to the dressing room. She got undressed and slipped into the dress and with the lady’s help she got zipped up perfectly and as she looked at herself in the mirror she couldn’t help but smile. It fit like a glove, it was absolutely perfect.

“This is the one. I’m in love.” She said as she stared at her reflection.

“Yes, I agree. It was made for you.” The lady said and Y/N was beaming.

“Show me!” Julie called and she stepped out of the dressing room and Julie gasped. “You’re right! You’re so right. You look amazing! Harry’s gonna die when he sees you.” She smiled happily.

“Should I surprise him?” She asked and Julie nodded.

“Absolutely. He’s wearing black right?”

“Yeah.” Y/N smiled.

“Let’s see it with the heels.” She said as she stooped down to place the heels Y/N had brought along. Y/N halfway got them on and even laughed softly as the length of the dress barely pooled on the ground, maybe 2 inches at most. “It’s a sign.” Julie said, “If we get this to Tina she can tailor it for you in a couple hours.” She said of her friend and Y/N smiled excitedly.

“I’m obsessed.”

“Me too. God! We’ll take it!” She told the lady who nodded and smiled. Soon Y/N was getting out of it while the lady went to bag the dress. 

Y/N was in a brilliant mood for the rest of the day. She was supposed to spend the night with Harry and she knew that it would be so hard to keep this from him because she was just so happy about the find. Today he had the late shift at the shop, so he would be getting in around 10pm if any clients came in after 7:30pm. So after having a shower and packing her bag she headed off to Harry’s; she’d make them some dinner and just hang out there until he got in. When she arrived she saw that he had a few loads of laundry on his couch so she took a seat and started to fold it while she watched a movie. Around 4 she got annoyed of folding so  she headed out to buy something to cook for dinner and she decided on a spicy eggplant & tofu as she was feeling lazy to do anything elaborate. So while the rice cooked, and tofu air-fried and the eggplant wilted down in the hot pan she found herself back on the couch folding again when a friend request came in to her Instagram. She opened the notification and her eyes widened when she saw that it was Harry’s mom. She quickly scrolled through her page to just ensure that there was nothing indecent anywhere and then accepted it. She then went on her profile to do the normal amounts of lurking and she mostly had pictures of her pets and garden and Harry and his sister. They were a beautiful family. She almost liked an old picture, but thankfully she stopped when a video call started coming in and it was her! She started to panic and then she saw a text come in from Harry saying that his mom asked for her instagram and he gave it to her. 

“Shit.” She said as she sat up and hurriedly answered the video call. Soon the screen loaded and she saw his mom smiling brightly on the screen.

“Hi, Y/N!” She greeted her happily.

“Hi, Harry’s mom! Or Anne, not sure what you prefer.” She giggled and Anne did as well.

“Anne is just fine, love. How are you?” She asked.

“I’m doing well, thankfully. And yourself?”

“It’s going well today. I was just reaching out to you because I’m here with my mum, sister in law, and my niece, Alyssa, the bride!” She said and showed them in the background as they waved with bright smiles.

“Hello everyone!” She greeted happily with a giggle.

“We’re going to be throwing a little hen party for Alyssa but we’re required to make a reservation and we were just wondering if you would like to join us. I know that you don’t know us very well, but it’s for the girls. It’ll be on Thursday evening and it’ll be us and well my daughter, and some of Alyssa’s friends.” She explained.

“Oh, I’d love to.” She accepted with a smile.

“Perfect! We just needed a headcount. I didn’t interrupt anything important, did I?” She asked. “H told me you were probably just home.”

“No, you didn’t! It’s quite late for you though, isn’t it?” Y/N asked and Anne nodded.

“Yes, it’s nearly 1:30 in the morning.” She chuckled, “We’re just about to wrap up.” She assured.

“Are you at Harry’s flat? I recognize the painting in the back.” She asked with a smile and Y/N nodded.

“Yes, I am. I was just folding some of the laundry he left while our dinner finishes up.” She said with a smiled.

“Oh, that’s sweet of you. Don’t get him into the habit though.” Anne warned playfully as the ladies behind her laughed along.

“Actually, I’ve never seen him leave his laundry out so he probably was doing it in a. rush.” She giggled.

“So he’s tidy?”

“Very much so.” Y/N assured with a grin.

“Good. I mean, I taught him well and he was tidy here too but that could be because I could pop in unannounced, you know?” She said with a smirk and Y/N giggled.

“Very true. But he keeps a very clean space.” Y/N confirmed to Anne.

“You know we’re all very excited to finally meet you. H was praising you left and right when he was here and well he does talk about you often when we chat.” She said as she started to moved away from the group behind her.

“He’s too sweet…” Y/N said bashfully with a shake of her head, “He talks about you guys often too. I know he misses you all so I’m sure he’ll be very happy to see you again soon. And well I am also looking forward to finally meeting everyone as well. A little nervous too.” She disclosed, “But from what I can tell and what he’s said it’ll be just fine.”

“Oh yes, don’t you worry, love. And if anyone even looks at you wrong you let me know.” She assured with a wink and Y/N giggled, “Alright, darling. Again I’m so sorry if I just sprung up on you this way, but we just wanted to make sure that you’d be included.”

“Not a problem, thank you for thinking of me. It was great to finally have a chat with you. Have a good night, Anne.”

“You as well, love. Buh-bye!” She grinned before they hung up. And now Y/N was smiling like a fool. His mom was so freaking nice and thankfully that interaction helped calm her nerves a bit. She then texted Harry to let him know that his mom had actually video-called her and her phone immediately started ringing with his name.

“What did she want?” He asked right away.

“No hello or nothing? OK…” she said and he sighed.

“Sorry baby, hi. So what did she want?” He asked and she chuckled.

“She just wanted to know if I would be interested in going to the “hen party”? For your cousin. They needed a headcount for the reservation.” She explained.

“Oh OK. I’m sorry, I had no idea she was going to call you. I thought she just wanted to snoop your page or something.” He chuckled.

“It’s alright she was very sweet and she’s surprised that you keep a tidy apartment.” She grinned.

“She always is for some reason.” He mumbled.

“Yeah, she believes you kept your place in London tidy because she could drop by whenever.” Y/N laughed and Harry chuckled along as well.

“God, she really selling herself short then because she always kept a tidy home.” He said and Y/N giggled.

“I mean, I think all mom’s are like that though. But seeing how nice she is made me less nervous, so that’s always a positive and-”

“Baby, someone just walked in. I’ll see you at home. Love you!” He said before hanging up quickly. It was nearing 8:30pm when Harry texted her that he was just closing up and would be home soon, but she had completely knocked out in his big, comfy bed, in one of his crewnecks.

When Harry got home the lights above the stove were on and some containers of food were set down on the counter. It smelled amazing actually. As he came further in he smiled when he didn’t see the pile of laundry that he had been avoiding for a few days now; folding was his least favorite thing to do and he had “strategically” placed it within plain sight to shame himself into just doing it, but he was far better at ignoring it than he thought. He called out for Y/N, but got no response and when he walked into his bedroom he saw her knocked out on his bed. She looked so soft and warm under a big, blue blanket surrounded by his pillows. Harry immediately got undressed and threw his clothes in the dirty hamper before getting on another shirt and then slid in behind her. He pulled her body flush to his own and kissed her head which made her stir a bit.

“Hi.” She groaned after a few seconds, “Did you eat?” She asked quietly, without turning around to face him.

“Not yet, baby.”

“Give me five minutes and then I’ll go warm everything up.”

“No, it’s OK. You stay, I’ll go warm it all up.” He assured and started to move and she grabbed his arm.

“In five minutes. You’re very warm.” She mumbled tiredly and he smiled.

“OK, love.” He responded, “How was dress shopping?” He asked. Y/N immediately rolled over and was smiling brightly.

“Really good.” She was beaming and he chuckled and brought his hand up and his thumb over her bottom lip, feeling her smile.

“Yeah, did you find a dress?”

“I did.” She confirmed before kissing the pad of his thumb and not saying anything else.

“And? Can I see it?” He asked through a chuckle.

“Not yet. I want it to be a surprise.” She said softly and he sighed.

“Baby…”

“I promise you’ll love it!”

“I don’t doubt that! You could wear a bin liner and I’d love it, so that doesn’t really help my issue here.” He said and she giggled.

“Then what’s the issue?” She asked, playing dumb.

“I want to see!” He insisted.

“Baby, I can’t. I want to knock your socks off when you see me!” She said softly and he chuckled.

“Again, every single day you-”

“Don’t even! This is different. I’ve never really had to dress up nice like this.”

“Ughhh, fine…keep your secrets.” He sighed dramatically.

“It’ll be worth it, I swear.” She assured, “It’s only like…a month away.” She said and he chuckled.

“Just a month…whatever.” He sighed and she grinned and leaned in to kiss him.

“And how was your day?” She asked.s

“Boring without you there to be honest.” He said and she giggled, “But it was good, we had a lot of walk-ins today. I had a consultation for a big leg piece…ummm…yeah, that’s about it. I was really dreading showing up and having to fold my laundry pile of shame, but it’s gone now so, 12/10 day. Thank you, baby.” He smiled.

“Of course, H. I get it, I hate folding too.” She sighed.

“Yet you folded for me? I’m touched.”

“I’d do anything for you. Even kill a spider, which is saying a lot.” She laughed quietly when he started to chuckle.

“I’d do anything for you too.” He assured.

“So, what does your mom do? Like does she still work? Or do you and your sister look after her?”

“Well, my gran stayed living with her since my sister and I are gone, but she stopped her actual profession, she was a teacher.” He explained, “She has a little flower shop now that I helped her start up maybe 3 or 4 years ago. She’s quite successful with that, I believe she’s doing the table arrangements for Alyssa’s wedding.”

“Oh that’s sweet of her.” Y/N smiled.

“Yeah, she’s probably the sweetest person I know. Julie reminds me of her a bit, but Julie has more sass to her.” He chuckled.

“You know, she was just saying to me earlier how if she ever had a kid that she imagines they’d be a lot like you.” Harry pouted with endearment.

“God, she’s so fucking nice. I’m glad she’s all better now.” He said and Y/N smiled.

“Yeah…OK, so what else should I know about your family?”

“Mmmm… my gran has a real sweet tooth. She also enjoys enjoys cheating at games, especially ones she can clean you out on. She’ll love you more if you turn a blind eye to her dodgy ways.” He chuckled and she laughed softly, “That’s why I’m the favorite. I help her win and in return she helps me win sometimes.” He explained with amusement as Y/N giggled, “Ummm…my sister is a little shy, it might seem like she has no interest in things, but once she gets comfortable she’s quite the chatter box, especially if you have things in common. She’s artsy, so I’m sure if you talked about your Etsy shop she’d be all over it.” Harry said with a smiled, “Her husband, Skye, is also an awkward nerd. He’s an engineer and his current job is doing like site checks to make sure that buildings are structurally sound, if he doesn’t know what to talk you about he’ll start to talk about all the ways in which the building we’re currently in could collapse. But he’s really nice and pleasant, just…find things to talk to him about that are not his job.” Harry said and she nodded in understanding. “And they’ve got two kids. Archie is three years old and is…quite the handful. He’s a cheeky little guy. And they have an eight month old now, baby Ivy.” He said with a smile.

“Awww, what a cute name.” she cooed.

“Yeah, she’s a real cutie too. Chillest baby I’ve ever seen.” He said with pride, “But yeah, those are the people we’re probably going to be spending the most time with during our visit. I assume my aunt and uncle and cousins will be quite preoccupied.” He explained.

“Yeah, I can imagine.” She sighed with a smile and just took him in. He was absolutely beautiful… all this talk about families and babies was making her wonder what a baby of their own might look like. She’d never given serious thought to having kids before, but as she stared into Harry’s eyes she started to entertain the idea of it in the future.

“What?” He whispered as he watched her watching him.

“Nothing, just admiring you.” She confessed with a heat in her cheeks at the full picture going on in her mind.

“And? What else?” He chuckled softly, knowing there was a lot more going on than that; he could practically see the cogs turning in her mind. She swallowed thickly because she had no idea how he’d react to her actual thoughts, but she didn’t want to keep that from him either. After all, if they were thinking about their relationship more seriously this was a conversation they would need to have at some point.

“Just wondering what you looked like as a baby and well, that led me down to thinking about…if we had a baby. Obviously not right now! But down the line. Like it’d be very impractical at this moment.” She rambled, “But like maybe in the future, i-if that’s something-” she was cut off by his lips meeting her own tenderly. She very easily slipped into their kiss, her lips moved slowly with his as their kiss deepened and he lifted himself to get his body over hers. She parted her legs to let him fully position himself over her and as he lowered his hips over hers she moaned into their kiss as he ground his growing bulge against her center.

“Sorry.” he panted as he momentarily parted this lips, “Just thinking about having a baby with you made me really fucking horny for you.” He smiled against her lips and she literally felt a chill travel down her spine, “S’that why you like me to come inside?” He asked her with a mischievous grin and she whined as his fully hard cock rubbed against her panties now, “Want me to give you a baby one day? Breed you?” He asked and her brain literally melted as his words registered and she nodded.

The idea was also making his brain and heart race at the possibilities. If he got her pregnant he would spoil her and take such good care of her, he would never leave her side. He’d obsess over her and kiss her bump any chance he got. He’d never really given the future as much thought as he did with her, maybe because he had never met anyone that made him want all of those things like she did. He loved her in a way that he had never really experienced before and it brought out a side to him that he had tried so hard to bury because of his bad experiences. But she made him love this more vulnerable and affectionate side of himself, he loved how she protected that part of him as if it were her own; it made him feel safe; something that his other relationships had lacked.

“Good. We’re gonna have all of it together, baby. I promise.” He assured her before he kissed her again and she moaned into it as he started to grind down on her with more speed. The tip of his cock was so sensitive right now that getting a feel of her bare pussy would surely send him over the edge. He liked to feel her back arching and feel her legs tensing around his hips as he repeatedly stimulated her clit with his grinds and humps against her. 

“Fuck, I need you inside, baby.” She said against his mouth and he sighed.

“I will literally bust in a minute.” He panted and she kissed him.

“I don’t care, just let me feel you.” she whispered. He couldn’t deny her that. So he knelt up and just got his cock out, giving it a few low tugs as she held her underwear to the side so that he could line himself up with her.

“Holy fuck.” He whispered in amazement at how hot and wet her pussy was for him as he painted his tip through her arousal, “That’s how bad you want it?” He asked breathily and she nodded, “Go on then, say it.” He panted as he started to rut against her clit which made her whine out in pleasure, “Say that you want to have my babies.” He grunted and she swallowed thickly.

“I-I want to have your babies.” She sighed, “I love you so much. I want to have everything with you.” She said and he kissed her deeply as he started to grind against her faster.

“Love how wet you get for me.” He muttered against her lips, “Your little pussy needs my cock, so badly, doesn’t it?” He teased and she nodded.

“So bad, please. Please let me feel you, baby.” She whimpered and he nodded frantically as he shifted his hips and she moaned as the head of his cock pushed against her entrance but not with enough force to spread her open and slip inside. He was just rubbing against her.

“How bad do you want it? Hmmm? Think your greedy little cunt will open for me on her own?” He asked as he knelt and she wriggled beneath him, trying to get more friction. He could feel her throbbing and clenching, her body was desperate to get him inside. Her constant throbs were slowly but surely sucking his cock in deeper. Harry was trying to keep it together as her hot sticky little hole spread around the tip. He couldn’t help it as he pushed in a little bit and she whimpered his name. He immediately brought his thumb to her clit and started to swirl it underneath in littler circles while pressing down into it, making all the nerves there rub together and collide in a way that made pleasure shoot through her body in delicious waves. Her cunt certainly opened up that way as he got in a bit deeper, he was so snug and warm inside of her, he didn’t want to wait anymore. He had no self-control with her, as much as he wanted to have it.

“Please, please, please, please…” she begged over and over, trying to hold still as he continued his incredible and delicious torture. He pushed forward even more until she had sucked his whole tip in and he groaned as she moaned in relief. His eyes locked on hers as he popped out and then pressed back in again, only this time he went a bit deeper, and he repeated this until his entire cock was inside of her and he felt himself there as he ground into her and continued rubbing on her clit until her legs were trembling. He was hardly doing anything, but he was pressed up against the best spot inside of her and she was grinding her hips, getting what she needed as he played with her swollen and sticky little button until she was gasping, “I-I’m coming!”

“Good girl, fuck. Such a good girl, make yourself cream all over my cock.” He encouraged her as she groaned against him. “Fuck, feeling you’s gonna make me cum.” He said lowly as he squeezed his eyes shut as her throbbing walls seemingly milked the sperm from his balls and up his shaft, she felt so good it was making his head feel spacey. He couldn’t take it anymore and started to rut into her without pulling out, just thrusting in, his tip was colliding with a soft and warm spot deep inside of her that was making him lose his mind and his toes curl, “Fuck, I’m coming. Gonna fill up my good girl’s pussy.” He warned and soon he stilled deep inside of her as she felt him start to shoot his load inside of her. The warmth was starting to fill her up and as he thrusted it started to bubble and leak out of her entrance, leaving them all sticky and messy with his sperm, but she couldn’t care less. He suddenly pulled out, making her wince but he then pressed her panties back over her as he leaned down to kiss her hard, “Keep that there, f’me. We’ll clean up in a bit, yeah?” He said and she nodded, “Good girl.” He smiled against her lips. “God, you don’t even know how insane I’ll be when we properly start trying.” He said with a smile, “Gonna fuck you every day until I make you a mommy.” He kissed her deeply and she moaned against his lips when his hand came down and rubbed over her sensitive and puffy pussy, “Sorry, just thinking about this is making me really feral.” He hummed and she giggled, she understood exactly how he felt.

“I get it.” She assured with a smile against his lips.

“I love you so much.” He said quietly, as if it were a secret between them.

“I love you.” She smiled.

In truth Harry wanted to know about her dress because he had gotten her something. Well, he’d gotten them both something when he was in England and visiting a jeweler with his grandmother. She was getting some earrings repaired and as he browsed he saw a very dainty and gorgeous pearl necklace. Each pearl was linked together by the finest chain and he was obsessed. Pearls signified love, femininity, and purity; each one was unique - and to him their love was like that pure and special, one of a kind. So he bought the one they had as it fit him perfectly, he wore it almost daily, but he also had one made for her and he planned to give it to her when they were in London. It wasn’t an engagement ring, but it was a symbol of his love for her. She’d probably think it was too much, but he didn’t care, he just wanted to remind her about how special she was to him and how what they were building together was something that he wanted to last forever. She was the one. He was absolutely certain of it.

"What?" she asked with a smile on her face as he just smiled down at her.

"I just can't wait for everything we're going to have together." he said with a bright smile and so much excitement in his eyes.

***

The Dress she will wear to the wedding, I chose this pic because this model just happened to be wearing thee necklace mentioned above. It went perfectly with my plan! But of course, Y/N is supposed to be however you imagine her, whether than be like yourself or anyone else:)

---- Tag List ----

suspended ATM since my blog is still shadowbanned

[gillyp]

WEEKLY TAG WEDNESDAY

tagged by @suzy-queued thanks sorry for my amateur attempt

Name: Gill

Age: half century plus a decade minus one

Location: Cheadle, Stockport, U.K.

And now...

Latest music discovery: Oh wow, I don’t know

Latest movie: hmm, no tv and not watched a movie in years

Last TV show you finished: SHAMELESS US, nothing has made me want to watch it since then.

Most recently started book.: only real book I’ve read in seems like forever is Saving Grace by Rachel O’Rourke

Most recent trip out of town: Went to wales with friends

Most recent trip out of the country: Not been out of the country since I was 16 😬

Most recent gift you made yourself: bought myself a new silver chain

Most recent gift you made to someone else: bought some slippers for my sister who has broke her foot for the second time walking in sliders 🙄

Most recent text message you received: My friend letting me know she had a driving lesson in the morning and she’d see me later in work.

Most recent text message you sent: A text to my friend letting her know I have an interview in the morning and I’d see he later.

Last fic you read: Just opened the next chapter of Battlefield Chicago by My_Brain_Melted

Last drink you had: tea, strong, milky with one sugar

Last thing you ate: Digestive biscuits

Latest piece of clothing you bought: A couple of tops for work

Latest piece of advice you received: You can do this

Latest piece of advice you gave:

Just try it , we can always do it again

Latest thing you promised yourself: To stop undermining myself and have a little more faith

Not tagged anyone … anyone can give it a go 😊

[cwritesforfun]

Harry Styles AU x Fem!Reader: Royalty

Y/N - Your Name ... btw, you're a Queen! Queen Mother - Y/N’s mom Prince Royce - Y/N’s brother Gemma - Harry's sister Harry’s Mom/Anne - Harry's Mom

BELOW is Adore You by Harry Styles because that will be referenced:-)

Harry Style's POV

My mother's face was priceless when I accidentally let slip that I had a crush on Queen Y/N. She was so happy. 

I ask "Mum? Mum? Are you okay?" She excitedly exclaims "My wee lil boy has a crush! I'm chuffed!" I laugh and ask "So can we go visit with Y/N & her family?" She smiles and says "I will call her mom and ask."

At lunch, my mom exclaims "Great news everyone! We will be leaving tomorrow morning and staying with Y/N and her family for the next 3 days. Unfortunately, we won't be staying longer than that because she has duties as the Queen and will be traveling for a month following our visit." We all nod. Gemma asks "So will Queen Y/N even have time to spend with us?" My mom answers "Her Queen Mother told me that she needs to take breaks to calm down, which will be filled with spending time with all of us. They also have 3 meals a day together, so we will at least see her for that amount of time." I reply "Blimey! Hopefully, this trip is worth it." Gemma replies "If you tell her how you feel, it will be."

As I start playing the piano after lunch, my mind travels to Y/N. I remember when we were 16 and we were each other's first kisses. We shook hands after and have been great friends since. I think both of us liked it, but we each knew how tricky relationships are for royals. Nothing else romantic has happened since then and it's been 5 years. We talk on the phone at least once a week and only visit each other once or twice a year. Both of us live such hectic lives, so that's why we see each other so infrequently.

New lyrics pop into my head and I begin writing. It goes a little something like this ... (lyrics below are Harry Styles's “Adore You” not me - all credit goes to him) 

Walk in your rainbow paradise (paradise) Strawberry lipstick state of mind (state of mind) I get so lost inside your eyes Would you believe it? You don't have to say you love me You don't have to say nothing You don't have to say you're mine

Within 2 hours, I've written a new song called Adore You. I adore it. Maybe I can sing it to Y/N to tell her how I feel. Yeah, that could work.

I head to my room and call one of the valets to help me pack my bags. It would go much faster if I have help and that is their job, even though I feel bad sometimes for them.

We finish packing in time for dinner.

Next Day

On the train over, I sketch nature scenes alongside lyrics. Gemma leans over and asks "What is your new song about?" I answer "Y/N." She gasps and asks "So can I hear it?" I answer "It's better with piano, but sure."

After I sing it to her, she smiles and says "Oh she's going to love that." I reply "I hope so as well."

At the castle, we are welcomed by the Queen Mother. She smiles and gives us all hugs once we get inside. She then leads us down a long hallway and says "I don't even know where Queen Y/N is this afternoon. Sometimes I never see her during the day. She stays in her office for a while and then randomly will pop up in another room around the castle. But, Prince Royce is waiting for us in the living room. We can all visit until tea time when I requested for the Queen to be with us." We follow her and we see Prince Royce outside the room. The Queen Mother asks "Royce, why aren't you inside?" He answers "The Queen is playing the piano and singing. The guards were saying this is her first break out of the office the whole day. I didn't want to disturb her." The Queen Mother says "Let's sneak in. Everyone be quiet. She may not hear us walk in."

We sneak in and sit on the couches. I look over at Queen Y/N and smile. She seems so happy and in the moment. Her fingers are gliding across the piano keys and her voice is wow. Her voice is beautiful. She is beautiful as well. The royal blue dress she is wearing sits perfectly on her and it looks gorgeous. Wow.

After she finishes playing, we all clap and Y/N jumps. She smiles when she sees us and she gets up. 

She shakes hands with my mom first who then pulls her into a hug. So cute! She exclaims "It's so great to see you again. What's the occasion?" My mom answers "Harry mentioned he missed you and we talked with your mom, so we came." Oh, thank goodness she didn't mention the crush part. Y/N smiles at me turn back to my mom and says "Well it's been too long. I missed all of you." Y/N then moves into Gemma and they hug. They exchange a few words and compliment each other. Y/N turns to me with her arms wide open ready for a hug and I hug her. She squeezes me closer to her and says "I missed you, Harry." I reply "I missed you too. It's nice to see your face again after talking on the phone every week." She moves her arms from the hug and stands next to me. She replies "It just feels so crazy to see you again. I missed you so much. Oh remind me after dinner, I made something for you." I reply "I missed you too, more than you’ll ever know. I made you something too, except mine involves the piano." She gasps and exclaims "I'm excited. I already can tell I’ll like it."

A footman walks up, bows, and says "Your Majesty, the tea is ready." She smiles and thanks him. She waves at me to follow her and we get tea. I ask "Should we tell our family?" She nods, looks over at our family, and announces "Tea is ready for those who want it." They look up and nod.

After tea and all of us catching up, it's dinner time. We all follow Queen Y/N and her Queen Mother to dinner. My seat is next to Prince Royce and my mother.

After the salads are brought out, the Head Butler walks in and whispers in the Queen's ear. She nods and announces "Please continue with salad. I shall return shortly." We all rise and she walks out of the room.

When we sit back down, Prince Royce leans over to me and says "Dinner is always like this here." I ask "Do people not believe in eating dinner?" He answers "No they do, but some work and eat instead of taking a moment to relax. Y/N does because she goes back to work after dessert for another hour or so. I think she relaxes after in her room. I don’t really know. We sometimes will watch a movie or just chill together if she wants to hang out. I love her and think she's doing well in her role as the Queen, but I miss my sister sometimes. I never expected anything less than success from her though." I reply "Wow that's very complimentary of her. I understand missing her though. I’m sure it can be hard. I miss my sister whenever she’s away too. To think, when I talk with her on the phone, she always is talking about you and your studies. She’s really proud of you and what you’ve done." He laughs and replies "Y/N is a very supportive sister and I love her for that." I nod and smile.

After around 30 minutes pass, I ask "Does it normally take this long?" Prince Royce answers "Rarely. Can you check on her? Ask her and say I would like dinner. She'll laugh." I nod and get up.

I knock on her office door and a guard opens it. I guess they trust me? I walk inside and over to where she is hunched over the desk writing furiously. I sit in the chair by her desk and notice her glance in my direction. She snaps "Did they send you here?" I answer "Well I mean I was worried about you being gone for a long time. Then your brother told me to tell you that he was hungry. He said it would make you laugh." She doesn’t seem any less tense. She didn’t even crack a smile at anything that I just said. She just kept writing. She replies "I mean it didn't make me laugh, but I appreciate the thought. I guess I should stop soon. It's just I get calls during dinner and certain people don't have certain documents or don't remember what they agreed on meaning I have to work. They should remember and maybe I should start enforcing an hour of no calls for dinner and also maybe I should have my assistants do it, but I don’t... I’m sorry for that mini rant and I'm sorry I just left. I should have told them to continue on with dinner while I was gone." I reply "No no we're all perfectly fine visiting with each other. You don't need to stop. I do think stopping calls for dinner and delegating would let you relax for a second. But... don’t take my word for it. You’re Queen and you know what’s best for you and the country." She smiles and says "You’re so kind, Harry. Thank you. I think I will be good for tonight and hopefully we make it through dessert before I get another call. I might even be lucky and not have to come back to work, so I can spend time with you." I reply “I’ll be here for a few days. It’s okay if you have to work.”

We leave her office and go back to the dining room. We have salad, a chicken rice dish, and cake. The food never disappoints here.

Dinner finishes and the Queen Mother takes my mom off with her. Prince Royce and Gemma also walk off apparently in search of the royal pets. Gemma was winking at me as she left, so I have a feeling she lied so I could be alone with Y/N. I love my sister.

Y/N turns to me and asks "Want to exchange the gifts we have for each other?" I nod.

We reach the room with the piano and she says "Thank goodness I left it in this room last night or we would've had to make an extra stop to grab it." I follow her and she opens a cabinet. I see her grab something and she holds it behind her back. I follow her to the couch and she hands it to me. It's a booklet of some sort. She exclaims "Your music is truly beautiful, Harry. I got so inspired one day and so I made collages of pictures for each song that you played to me. I wrote some of the lyrics and I just designed them. I know it's like not a lot, but I just think your music is something that will make people smile." I reply "Well thank you for this." I flip it open and smile. She truly captured my songs in photography form. I notice pictures of us on a few of the pages and my lyrics in handwritten calligraphy. Wow, this is truly beautiful. I say "Blimey! If I ever want to release music, you're my manager!" She laughs and I reply "I'm bloody serious! This artwork, handwriting, the photos, seeing us in here, and everything. This means a lot to me. I'm really glad that my music has touched you and that it makes you happy. I guess this means that my present will be a hit." She laughs again and asks "Wait? You wrote another song?" I nod. I hold my hand out to her, she takes it, and I lead her to the piano. I sit down and pat the space on the bench next to me for her to sit, which she does.

I start playing piano and I sing "Adore You" to her. After, she leans over and gives me a big hug.

When she pulls away, she says "I adore you too." Ummmmmm ..... what!?!?!?! I ask "Wait? Are you actually saying that and mean it? Or do you mean like in a friend way?" She answers "I mean it in a crush kind of way. I know it's difficult for people in positions of royalty to date, but you're someone who I've known for quite a long time and I feel like I could trust to have a great relationship with." Brb while I cry with happiness. I reply "I trust you as well and think we will have a long-lasting wonderful relationship." She asks "Is it too soon of me to ask for a kiss?" I shake my head and we kiss.

I adore her forever and always.

...................................................................................... Thank you for reading!! I tried to add words people use in England and I hope I used them right lol.

[bigender-cowboy]

oh boy I think I saw this once but didn’t know what the fuck snogging was so let’s go!!!!!

1: Uhm. With my father. DEFINITELY NOT THE OTHER THOUGH!!!!!

2: My friend

3: not really actually. I’ve fully accepted everything I’ve ever done that I could actually regret.

4: nah. like the last thing I’ve embraced it all.

5: I have a partner and he’s VERY silly

6: for a good cause. preferably quick, but it doesn’t have to be.

7: uhhhh pasta with ketchup and sugar on it

8: hockey and ig if you count it archery. some people don’t though so. nothing professional.

9: Yes but not out of anxiety. ITS BECAUSE I ALWAYS BREAK THEM AND THEY GET UNEVEN

10: uhhhh idk some time this summer. last few months.

11: guys I might like my partner im not sure though

12: yeah and I’ve stayed up later than that. its not the hardest.

13: oh. yes. many people. its actually hard to get on that list but im autistic and people no no my things when i say them

14: yeah

15: three fish two cats

16: incredibly bored although I am getting amused by silly things

17: no why the fuck would I go in the bathroom to make out that is a stupid fucking spot

18: AAAAAAAAAA

19: NO!!!!!!!!!

20: bed (also it wasn’t sexual we were confused what the hype was about. we’re still confused what the hype is about)

21: me and my partner are in Maine rn with his family so probably rest because I get back to his place Saturday and im probably going home Sunday

22: no. IM ALREADY FATHER/SIBLING FIGURE TO LIKE 5 DIFFERENT PEOPLE IM DONE WITH THAT

23: no I used to have 3 on both ears and they all got ripped out/horribly damaged in different ways that all led to hospital trips

24: History. My teacher said I knew more than he did once. So.

25: not really. If it’s IN the past my mom but not her present form.

26: hot chocolate and powdered donuts

27: bi girls love me or something (yes)

28: nope

29: uhm. no? yeah? idk.

30: my partners rats keep attacking each other.

31: yaya

32: Maroon or burgundy. Wine color.

33: ehh. yeah. kind of.

34: uhhhhh I think I watched my partner fall off a building before turning into a bird. idk.

35: my partner but not in a actually serious way. the last person I did that in-front of was my father (in relief/joy)

36: no. im very stubborn. grudge holder.

37: neither??? ig forgive???

38: I thought not and then I thought about it and honestly maybe. not counting being a little kid, JUST maybe.

39: fuck. when I got with my partner so like…1 1/2 years ago? age isn’t being dropped though.

40: once but I really needed to check something and I had NO time for clothes

51: lemons or fettuccine with shrimp and breadsticks or garlic bread

52: not really because idgaf about it its just whatever happens happens it doesn’t matter who you are because it’ll just happen

53: threw the leech bottle and had to find out where the leech went because the bottle opened

54: no.

55: I mean im pretty nice but im also pretty snappy and defensive so at times im definitely mean but not always

56: uhm. i don’t know. dude i used to live in a trailer park where knives were pulled on you so a lot of fucking people???? i don’t know???

57: no

58: light drizzle or heavy snow

59: yes, I don’t think you’ve completed life until you’ve tied a sled to the back of a truck and gotten dragged across snow covered roads.

60: no, I hate marriage. Although I did promise my friend I would marry him for taxes if needed.

61: SHDBDBBSBS NO I HATE THE WORD BABY SO MUCH SHDND

62: a lot of things? my partner? friends? fandoms? idk

63: uhh. I already did just not to anyone but my friends and social media. legally? sure

64: nope. it was my partner.

65: tell them that I don’t like them because I have a partner and keep hanging out with them after

66: uhhh I don’t know how close I am with any cis guys. only trans guys. actually ONE guy. yes.

67: my partner’s mom’s boyfriend I think

68: my friend

69: not really

70: yeah

Open tags

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31, 2011 A part of me misses Andy, but while he not only told me, “Don’t come crawling back” and I intend to respect his wishes, I know we’d only fight about the same old stupid shit if we were suddenly friends again. And if it wasn’t the same old stupid shit, then it would be something else. Best to just remember the good times, and yes it’s true that even 20 years from now, assuming I’m still alive, I’ll still giggle to myself when I remember certain pranks we used to pull.

Not the least bit surprisingly, he checked out my blog last night.

Today I am in much better spirits than I was yesterday, not that anything’s really changed. The only thing I did differently yesterday was that I had 3 wine coolers. I also had a GREAT chat with Nane. I am really coming to adore that woman and as I told her, I will never again laugh when I hear someone say they’ve come to love or care for someone online they’ve never met. I just love that woman. :) She started off as just a pretty face, then she ended up surprising me by becoming someone I now care about. Especially after we got over our confusion about a few things. That’s what can happen sometimes when you don’t see the person in person and one’s native language is German and not English.

Anyway, we were talking about the predicament we’re in and she told me some personal things about her in return and I found she can relate to me a lot more than I realized. Never ever give up on life, she told me. Apparently, she knows what it’s like to be poor too, but has been working her ass off now for over 30 years. So has Tom, and he’s ready, willing and able to do it again just as soon as someone will let him.

She was also dumped by a guy she was with for 16 years and even considered offing her own self when she turned 50. But then she met a guy who seems to love her very much and is very sweet.

After telling her that no one’s survival depended on mine and that Tom would get over me in time, I asked her – tell me truthfully – if I killed myself would it really matter to you?

“Yes, Jodi, it would,” she said. This was both surprising and touching. I wished to hell I could reach through the monitor and hug her at that moment. I really have to wonder just how the hell I came to care for someone on the other side of the world I never met, LOL. I know that if someone told me there would someday be a “stranger” in Germany that would come to care for me I’d have been rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. And she’s oh so gorgeous. :)

But why? Why do I care about her? I wonder. If 99% of the population told me I looked fat and ugly I’d be like, “So? Don’t look if you don’t like what you see.” But if she told me that I’d probably throw myself on the bed and cry like a baby.

And why am I jealous of “Jim?” I’d never get to have her even if I lived right under her nose, so why I feel this way is beyond me. I guess it’s only natural. I have to laugh when I think that if I were still friends with Marie, she’d now have two people to be jealous of, hahaha.

She posted some pictures from her last trip to Turkey. I’ve never seen or heard of this sport before, but she was paragliding (or was it parasailing?) off the back of a speedboat. It looked like fun. She was maybe 30’ or so above water. In another shot, she was on a camel. Love how she said, “The camel on a camel,” since she has big boobies, too. Her face didn’t look too great in the only shot that was close enough to see it in, but what a body! Her hair’s really getting long, too; almost to her waist.

I think I’m gonna grow my own hair back out. I don’t know why, but it just doesn’t look as good this time around as it did last time I cut it off. It’s so damn curly I look like a poodle, LOL. I love how easy it is to take care of and sleep with, but I guess I’d rather have something that looked better even if it was a bit of a bitch.

They fixed the sweeps form to Munich, plus I found two other trips to Germany to enter for. One has you do an essay saying why you want to go to Germany. I took a screenshot of my essay and the contest form and sent it to Nane as I thought she’d get a kick out of it. I said I wanted to hug and thank my German teacher whom I met online a year ago for helping me learn some German, LOL.

After chugging down nearly 700 calories in booze yesterday on top of all I ate, I don’t know how I managed to drop back down a pound, but I did. Maybe dropping the high-cal coffee creamer really did help, along with cutting out the pasta, breads and potatoes.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 30, 2011 Why is it that someone’s always chasing someone who’s chasing someone else and that everyone seems to be trying to talk someone out of killing themselves lately?

A Facebook friend of mine – I never met him but we “noticed” each other on Twitter since he’s from where I grew up and has also studied German – was talking about not wanting to be a burden to his fiancée and therefore thinking of offing himself. I’ll be the first to admit that while I offered all kinds of words of encouragement, I felt like the biggest hypocritical idiot on earth. laughs sarcastically I mean there I was telling him why he should hang on when I’m sitting here drowning in my own well of depression and thinking of all the reasons I should off my own self. Really, don’t kill yourselves, folks! Just leave the self-destructiveness to me. :) I’m the one with the fucked up life!

Seriously, I have been depressed, despondent and feeling totally powerless to do a damn thing about it. I’ve tried it all – happy thoughts, dirty thoughts, aromatherapy, keeping busy, soothing music – yet it’s hopeless. But if and when I do go bye-bye, I’m not going to be dumb enough to say when. I can only say that while time of year doesn’t matter, temperature does. So if I’m going to do anything it won’t be for a while yet.

I could go out and cry on Mr. Optimistic’s (or Mr. Denial’s, depending on how you look at it) shoulder, but he’ll just tell me the same thing. He’ll tell me that things will get better and I won’t believe him. I’m not even winning things anymore!

Meanwhile, I will continue to chase a woman who’s chased (and captured) someone else, while pesky Kate chases me. It’s better than chasing hopeless dreams, isn’t it?

The only reason I stayed alive this long was because of Tom, but things have been bad enough for long enough that I’m not sure I care anymore. I mean I know my killing myself would hurt Tom and some others. But they’ll get over it. No one’s survival is dependent upon my own survival and so life will go on for people. And since my life can never be my own I’m basically counting down the days till it ends. Sorry, but selfish or not, a life of poverty in little old shitboxes to the tune of barking simply won’t do. I don’t care if it’s “better” than prison or “better” than Africa where people are starving and the Middle East where people are crazy. We don’t hear as much barking as one hears in the city, but it can still get to be more than enough at times.

This place is smaller than your average 1-bedroom apartment. It’s so old and dumpy that we had to tape around the edges of the window in the hall door because it was falling apart to the point that bees were getting in. If this is the way we deserve to live this late in life, how can I ever believe things could possibly ever change for us? There are few to no jobs around us and the few people that do have jobs are almost all temps. There’s hardly any such thing as a permanent position anymore.

Despite knowing there’s a damn good chance I don’t have much time left to live, I’m going to try to treat each day as if life is going to go on as usual, cramped in here with a husband I love dearly but am sick of having to have around 24/7. I’m the type that only likes to see people for 2 or 3 hours a day. But who’d have ever thought years ago that he would be forced to retire without retiring in his 50s and in such a tiny place? This place makes the Phoenix house seem like a mansion, and at 1470 square feet that house was pretty average in size for the west and small for the east.

I’m also a little concerned about why I can’t lose weight (I went back up a pound). I should have lost about 15 pounds by now. While I have most of the symptoms my ex “friend” says I’m making up and giving into, it clearly says “weight gain,” not “inability to lose weight.” But I’m not one of the ones blessed with real insurance so I can’t go to a doctor to see if something’s up with my thyroid or anything else.

I was kind of surprised to find when I got up that Andy hadn’t been in my blog. He was in right after we had our fight, but not since then. I have a feeling he’ll be back sooner or later. But for two days there’s been no sign of him on Formspring or Twitter. I can still see his accounts there even though I deactivated my Formspring account and blocked him on Twitter.

No sign of Nane either. I haven’t seen her picture on the sidebar and she hasn’t posted anything all day.

Later…

Nane just posted something but her picture still doesn’t appear on the sidebar – WTF? I still don’t get that thing.

I’m drinking myself into a wonderfully drunken stupor for the first time since the sickos down south drove me crazy and then seized control of my life through the courts. It’s only a couple of wine coolers, but since I’m small and it’s been that long, half a bottle and I already got a buzz on. It’s something I only do once in a blue moon and only when I have something going on. Only this time I have nothing going on and perhaps that’s why I’m drinking. I just wanted some variety. So now I’m just opening my second of four wine coolers. Bartles & Jayme’s exotic berry is pretty good.

The last time I drank I was on probation. The tail end of it not knowing they were about to vindicate me even if it was in their own little half-assed way. Yes, I was stressed out at the time, but I did it more in defiance of anyone, legal or not, having the balls to tell me what I could/couldn’t put into my own body.

“They could control me in jail, but I’ll be damned if they’ll control me on the home front,” I said to Tom one day. “Why should I give the courts any more respect than I’d give a complete stranger who tried to order me not to drink, not to bear firearms, etc? Well, we never got any weapons; just the wine coolers. Fuzzy navel I think it was at the time and holy shit! You mean there are 220 calories in this tiny little bottle?! I just looked it up online. Well, I guess I’ll have only myself to blame when I find I’m up another pound tomorrow. Either way, I’m not drunk, but I think I’m getting tipsy.

Tom returned from the mail place with a surprise win – a bottle of Mr. Clean all-purpose cleaner. Is that really the best I can do?

Was I happier 15 years ago when we were living in Phoenix? Hang on. Let me go pee, then I’ll try to answer at least some of the silly and probably pointless questions I’ve been asking myself.

“You’re such a good writer!” someone just told me in an anonymous message. “Keep it up. I love your style and your heartfelt honesty. I do hope things get better for you but my God, you are so amazing with words!”

“Heartfelt honesty, huh? LOL, well here’s a little heartfelt honesty for you – if I were just as good with arranging my life as I am with words, I’d really have it made!”

Anyway, thanks, whoever you are. I know I’m a pretty good writer. I suck up foreign languages like a straw too, but for someone who’s fluent in 3, knowledgeable in 2 others, and able to get the gist of a few more, I sure as hell have no clue as to how to shake this “bad cloud” that’s been hanging over us. We didn’t have to be that 1 in 8 that’s jobless here. But we are. So why did God or this negative energy or whatever the hell it is choose us when we’ve already been down on our “luck” more than enough in our lifetime? At this point, I’d give up my sign language, my Spanish, my Italian and what German I’ve learned for a decent enough income and a decent enough place to live. I’d even stay fat and blind.

Oh, to live in a real house again with the usual slew of full-size appliances, adequate counter space in the kitchen, enough outlets, an extra bedroom and bathroom, no barking, no serious money worries even if there wasn’t much in savings… it ain’t gonna happen. It just ain’t gonna happen.

So back to the questions. I’ve always been the philosophical type who likes to analyze things and play what if? It’s hard to say whether or not I was happier years ago than I am now because I had different things to worry about back then. Back then I had the stress of our crazy neighbors on us that wouldn’t let me sleep or even eat, shit or think in peace. I was also depressed over wanting a kid I had no way of knowing at the time I would one day stop wanting. But one thing I didn’t have was the insecurity I have today and knowing how easy it is for anyone – anyone – to lose it all and end up on the streets, even if they work hard and aren’t druggies or drunks. Just one wrong move can really upset the balance of life and stop one’s flow of income without warning. And though ours was only stopped for two weeks when the assholes at the debit card company screwed up on us, that was all it took to nearly lose everything while our stuff was in storage when we first moved here and to get a taste of what it was like to be homeless on the streets for 36 hours. I never hated God above more than I did at that time. So now that I know that can happen to anyone, even us, I live with the fear of it happening again and probably always will. I didn’t have these fears back down in Arizona, but am still glad we got the hell out of that gorgeous but twisted state. Andy said it wasn’t fair to hate the state over that one case, and while he’s got a point, it’s hard not to when you were that one case. And I wasn’t literally just one case, of course. I’m not the only one who got or will get railroaded by the Arizona “justice” system. You just sneeze wrong as a white person down there and you’re screwed. I would never again stick just one tiny little toe over the Arizona border!

MONDAY, AUGUST 29, 2011 I looked in the mirror earlier, and as I told Tom, a beached whale stared right back at me.

“You’re not a beached whale,” he said. “Look closer. Mirrors don’t lie. You really do look fit and you’ll become even fitter with time.”

Hmm… really?

I checked the mirror again.

Beached whale!

Has she ever done anything to me since I left Arizona? someone asked.

I don’t know. Again someone tried to take over one of my accounts – this time this blog – and so I just don’t know. It’s quite a coincidence that around the time that she or someone she put up to it, if they aren’t acting on their own, I start getting hacked on various sites. Nonetheless, when I went to log in to Blogger yesterday there was a message saying they detected suspicious activity from my account and I had to enter a captcha code to get in. Then I changed my PW.

I have stronger reading glasses on the way. I wanted frameless, but they didn’t have children’s sizes in frameless, so I got a partial frameless pair in pink.

I’ve come to hate weekends and so I’m glad the weekend’s over. I hate it because the dogs are at their worst and because Nane’s not around on weekends, even though she “appears” to be in on Sundays.

I dreamed of Tom and I in my parents’ old cottage at the beach in Connecticut. Only it was much bigger than their cottage actually was which they sold 20 years ago or so. I suddenly decided we should sell it for “extra” cash and with its furnishings, too.

The scariest dream I had has me worried about impending trouble ahead. It was our anniversary and we’d apparently been continuing to receive money-filled cards from his shit mom. But this particular card had nothing. I could see that Tom was hurt and disappointed. Especially since we were struggling.

“Are we still going to be ok?” I asked.

“Now, no.” Then he said something about something going on till next Tuesday.

Although this registered as less than a week in my mind I said I wanted to “hurt her back.”

He didn’t want me to and I asked if he wanted me to call my folks instead. He said no. Then I suggested we pawn our wedding bands. He pulled his off his finger and was inspecting it when I went to check for other jewelry to pawn. That’s when I woke up and ran out to warn him that we’ve got trouble ahead. He insists everything’s fine and that the dream was too closely based on old memories from a few years ago when we really did pawn our rings.

I hope he’s right!

I don’t hate Andy. We just clashed too much. I really do wish him the best in life, but the sleep disorder (which I was surprised to hear Alison has actually heard of) wasn’t the only thing he’s made false and mean remarks about. He’s judged and critiqued me for other things as well; the way I’ve handled family members, old neighbors, etc., and it’s pretty insulting to have what’s supposed to be a friend side with your enemies. It’d be like someone making excuses for a woman’s abusive lover. Different people may handle different things in different ways but if someone I cared about was victimized or hurt in any way by someone, the last thing I’m going to do is defend the asshole(s)!

Later…

I have really learned something about having online friends – never assume too much about them until you know for sure! Never assume that not hearing from them means they’re mad at you because you recently annoyed them when in fact they could just be having computer problems or busy. Never assume friends are indifferent as to what happens to you just because they don’t reply to all your messages when in fact they just might not like to write and could simply tell you to fuck off if they really didn’t care about you. Lastly, never assume that just because they may seem busy and distant in both mind and geography they don’t drop into your blog every so often even if it may only be once a lifetime. LOL, so now that I know Nane reads this blog at times I will be doubly sure to watch what I say about this lovely person who really does – OMG! – seem to genuinely care about me the more we chat.

I don’t mind being an open book for the most part but I try to respect other people’s privacy, so unless it’s just trivial stuff, I’ll be even more selective about what I say just in case she ever wanders back in. :) She knows that unless I ask her not to, I don’t care what she tells other people in regard to me.

Anyway, the hottie and I chatted briefly yesterday about Hurricane Irene. “Jim” had to leave early (nice guy) so that’s why she was in on a Sunday. She threw me at first saying she wanted to ask me about Irene. I thought she was talking about the person and I was thinking to myself – well, what do I know other than that she went to Italy on vacation? But Nane wasn’t quite sure as to my exact location and whether or not the storm would affect me.

Just to hear from her really put me in a better mood and I still can’t figure out why, LOL. She’s beautiful and she’s sweet, but that’s all for now about the Königin von Europa. :)

She admitted to being in my blog when I mentioned “anonymous” visitors from Germany. Only she said she came in from work. So does that mean the ones that really are anonymous could really be her after all coming in from home? But what would she be doing at home at 2:15 on a Monday afternoon? Either way, she said she doesn’t have as much free time as she’d like but when she does she enjoys reading my messages and blog. :))) How flattering!

Lost another two pounds – yay! I was kind of surprised as I seemed to get stuck in the same rut weight-wise as I am in life.

Most changes suck, and I was worried it’d cause problems, but I like Facebook’s latest change and how they made it easier to control who sees what we post. So as I told Maliheh, she may see more on my wall if she checks me out from time to time. I still check on her every now and then too, but we’re still not connected there as of yet. She posted some pictures of the tornado and her backyard when it snowed. The main thing is keeping my friends hidden from the troll.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28, 2011 “Are you sure about that?” Andy asked me. “Are you sure you’re really happy enough? You seem miserable 80% of the time based on how much you curse the universe in your journal.”

Well, I’m certainly not as happy as I’d like to be, but I realize I’m a pretty “dynamic” writer at times and can often put more emotion into something than I actually feel without meaning to. I don’t think I’m 80% miserable and I hope I don’t get there, but just the fact that I’m thinking more and more of ending it all tells me I’m not as happy as I could be and would like to be. But I’ll be damned (not that anyone expects me to) if I’ll apologize for my emotions or writing style in my own journal. I’m not afraid to write about the things that make me sad or that make me laugh or that make me angry, even if that means I may do it with some real oomph. I don’t force anyone to read anything I write and so I’m not about to be held responsible, legally or not, for anyone who may have fragile emotions or get their feelings hurt easily.

So now that I’ve made that clear – no, I’m not drowning in misery, but too much of my life is unhappy, frustrating and empty. No one wants to be unhappy, including me. But I can’t make someone give Tom a job. All he can do is fill out whatever applications he can. We cannot control the economy or anyone’s hiring practices. White people face a lot of discrimination in the workforce today, and if you’re an older white person you’ve got it even worse.

What worries me is one of the dreams I had last night. I worry it’s a sign of impending trouble – the usual, which would be money. And the bastard above is just about due to beat us over the head with the stuff too, which I wish had never been invented in the first place. Tom doesn’t think it’s a God or any other being that can think and feel that’s been cursing us, but more like a cloud of negative energy that’s fallen over us.

But this often in life? Hmm… I’m not so sure about that. To me, it seems too often enough not to have been thought out and planned by something of intelligence, but if that’s so then this so-called “intelligent” entity could make things even worse for us if it was capable of emotions and could hate us so much, right? Well, I don’t know what to think or believe for sure. I just know we’ve been stuck in this rut for too many years and that unless some miracle happens I’m going to end up checking out of Hotel Earth for sure. Then again, it wouldn’t take much. Is a lousy job really a miracle?

But as twisted as life “happens” to be, it seems the less deserving you are (particularly in the West where the economy is worse), the more likely you are to have a job right now, like a certain person down south does in which I’ve been asked more questions about.

“If you both could have each other suddenly cease to exist at the snap of a finger, would you do it?”

Well, I can’t speak for her. I don’t know what goes through that little kiddy-size mind of hers, but I can guess and so the answer is: I don’t know. She not only hates me but she also hates white people, including Jews, not that I’m in the habit of practicing any religion. But if she hates whites and Jews, she sure as hell would hate bisexuals, right? So one part of me thinks that if I’m hated 3 times over then she would surely be quick to make me cease to exist if she could. Remember, we lost way, way more than she ever did, but this is someone who spent hundreds of dollars to legally spite me. The time, money and legwork it took to be so vengeful were pretty extreme on her part. Those extremists can be the most hateful if not downright crazy as well. I never thought she was crazy, though. Just a very mean, angry and hateful person who gets both mad and even with those she feels have wronged her.

Another part of me thinks she’d want to keep me alive in case she ever gets to jump at another chance to “get” me, so I don’t know for sure what she would do. But she’ll never have that kind of power and neither will I.

But what if I did? Hmm… I wouldn’t have hesitated years ago to be able to snap my fingers and make her disappear, but these days, if I did it, would be more to protect myself than from any anger.

I have a pain in my hand for some reason so I’ll get to Dreamland later.

Later…

OMG, I am so, so sick of people’s cruel, untrue and downright mean cracks about my sleep disorder. I’m sick of that and being told I’m “making excuses” and “giving in” to it when I should be out there working. All my life I’ve been judged for one thing or another. If it isn’t my driving phobia it’s this, and what makes it even more infuriating is that the bulk of the nasty comments are coming from what was supposed to be one of my best friends. Well, I’m sorry but when you can’t take your own friend for face value when they say it’s nothing they’re “giving in” to, that really has a way of taking the “best” right outa “friend.” Why would I lie about something like this? Who the hell would make up such a thing and why? What could they possibly have to gain from it? If it was a simple matter of me simply not wanting to drive or not wanting to work outside of the house or wanting Tom to support me for the hell of it, then why wouldn’t I just come out and just say so? And how could a “true” friend do this to me after I’ve told them several times already that no, I’m not joking around about this, I’m not making excuses, and it really offends and pisses me off to be told otherwise? If you feel you can’t take a friend’s word for whatever they tell you, then maybe you should rethink your “friendship” with them and get some other friend you feel is more “honest.”

As I told him, how would he like it if someone said to him, “You’re not really gay. You just think you are and you choose to be gay. If you’d just go out and suck some pussy and quit “giving in” to dick, you’d see that you’re really straight and just making “excuses” to be gay.”

Sometimes I really regret mentioning it to anyone or in my blog, but you know what? I’m nobody’s liar either. I’m not going to lie and say I have a job just because some people can’t accept the fact that a few of us really do have this rare, but very real sleep disorder, and no, we’re not making it up. It’s not a cover or an excuse for anything. I’m an adult. I don’t need to make excuses for what I do because there is no punishment to fear from revealing the truth like there sometimes can be when we’re children. My mother could punish me as a 10-year-old if she learned that I did or said something she disapproved of. But who can “punish” me for the truth now? No one! And that’s why I have no reason to lie or “make excuses!”

Maybe I should dump him or see how he likes to be called a liar and an excuse queen by insisting he’s just “giving in” to whatever. Maybe I should mention suicide more often and see how he likes it and how frustrating it is after he’s made it clear to me that it bothers him (because a former boyfriend of his killed himself in the 90s).

I’m just sick of some people’s shit and seeing them get picked on for their disabilities, phobias, sexuality and whatnot. If I’m “giving in” to my sleep disorder, then a paraplegic is “giving in” to his wheelchair. Although I wish to hell I could say otherwise, there is nothing made up or exaggerated about my type of sleep disorder.

Ok, now I’m done with Andy altogether. Yeah, it was my mistake to seek him out and resume our friendship a couple of years ago, and well, I’ve learned from it. He just left some really cold comments on Formspring. As Tom was just saying, people do this when it comes to things they don’t understand, though some folks handle things they don’t get worse than others. Even I don’t get some things. I don’t “get” what it’s like to never have been attracted to another woman. Hell, I didn’t even get my condition at first (any more than I “got” the influencing thing) and even I thought I simply acquired a “bad habit.” But then it became worse with age as it often does and then one day Tom spotted an article about it in a medical journal, wipes tears from eyes and that’s when I said, “Holy shit, I’m not alone after all! There are others out there going through the same thing that are on disability cuz of it. I’m not imagining it after all.”

As Tom pointed out, the more I try to fight it the more prominent the symptoms are like those evil suicidal thoughts, though I still contribute a lot of that to our shitty lives. There is no known cure for this disorder but there are some things that can help a bit. I’ll be the first in line, insured or not, when and if there ever is a cure! Believe me, I want to be “normal.”

Not getting something is one thing. Being rude and insulting is another. But he is who he is, he’s not going to change, and I have to accept that. And the only way I can do this and let him be who he is is to let him go, unfortunately, and I feel I’m also being true to myself at the same time by letting him go. What kind of self-respect would I possibly have for myself if I continued to accept people into my life who call me a liar, insist I’ve always been “self-diagnosed,” and am just “using” Tom to take care of me? Well, Andy is a good guy otherwise and therefore he deserves friends who are “better” than me and whom he feels are “honest.” I’m just sorry I ever confided in him about the subject. I appreciate all the compliments he’s made about my writing and I’ll always remember our good times, but I can’t continue our friendship under the circumstances. I am just so, so hurt and angry. Had he made cracks once and then apologized or at least kept his mouth shut if he continued not to get it, that would have been one thing. But this is like the fifth or sixth time and I’m through explaining myself to him. I don’t owe him or anyone any explanations. If I want to explain anything I’ll do it on my own.

I have marked his email as spam without even bothering to read it, blocked him on Twitter, and deactivated Formspring only because he was the only reason I was using it at the end there. Hopefully, he will have a better life with better friends than I apparently was to him. Really, I had no idea that all this time he thought I was such a liar and a “self-diagnosed excuse queen.” It’s sad that he couldn’t trust me and take my word for face value. I really thought he knew me better and that I would never kid, joke or make excuses about something of this nature. Makes me wonder who else might currently be my “friend” who thinks I’m just playing games where this is concerned.

This type of sleep disorder, which worsens with age, is very rare but very serious and it is a BITCH to live with. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It makes asthma and being hard of hearing seem like NOTHING. If it were as simple as “pulling my ass out of bed each morning no matter how tired I was” I would have been doing that years ago and working outside of the house. That’s another thing – he seems to think I had no problem as a housekeeper and then as a dancer. Actually, I missed a lot of work and was eventually fired.

Just as soon as someone will give my husband a job and us insurance (like I could get a job any faster with my shit work history) I can go to a sleep clinic, have this more than obvious condition officially diagnosed (yes, it is simple to diagnose), then maybe I can get my disability reinstated again. Anyone who can’t work a regular job should be entitled to benefits.

On a final note – and this is very important to anyone who reads this – now that I’ve presented you with the full facts based on my symptoms and experiences as well as the link to explain it further, feel free to exit my life if you think I’m just a “lazy excuse queen.” No one is obligated to stay in my life any more than I’m obligated to stay in theirs. I don’t care if you’re the hottest chick on earth, related to me, or something else – if you can’t accept me as I am, then I cannot accept you in my life. Period. Meanwhile, if you’re one of those who have been a part of my life and haven’t bashed me for my driving phobia, sleep disorder, lack of height, being hard of hearing, ADHD, shitty background, being an ex-con despite being vindicated in the end, or anything else, I love you all the more for it. :)

Someone once said to me that it’s those we least expect or that we may even feel we hate at some point in our lives, that are most likely to turn out to be our best and truest of friends.

I think I see what they mean.

Maliheh never lost power during the storm, so that’s nice.

Andy just popped into my blog. Why am I not surprised?

SATURDAY, AUGUST 27, 2011 Anyway, I’m doing laundry now, preparing the grocery list and taking advantage of this rare opportunity where I can do the daily sweeps using the Shazam feature because we’re up to full speed, another rarity in our lives. We’re thinking of shutting them down when our two “free” months are up and just going to the library every few days to check email because it makes no sense to pay for what we don’t get half the time. But no matter how much we beg and plead, they absolutely refuse to help us.

I am both happy and unhappy in life and I have been for quite some time now. I am happy I have someone who loves me. I am happy to be in good health. I am happy to have two girlfriends even if one doesn’t have lust/feelings for me, and the other is an up-and-down yo-yo that’s hard to figure.

But I’m unhappy to know that the economy is never going to get better in my lifetime. At least that’s what I’ve truly come to believe. It’s been 4 years now that we’ve been stuck in this same old rut with just a few short-term odd jobs here and there, so why should I believe anything’s going to change now? Or in the future?

We not only can’t afford to upgrade this old shitbox to make it more efficient and comfy, but we can’t even afford to get rid of shit we don’t want/need to make more space in here. Hardly anything is selling on eBay or anywhere else these days.

I decided that since I know I’ll just end up miserable for some reason no matter where we go, we might as well stay here where it’s cheaper. On the other hand, if we continue getting such shitty internet service and don’t want to keep going to the library then we’ll be forced to move, risky or not if we ever do get the chance to in our lifetime. I see only two potential chances to get out of here and that’s either next summer if there’s anything in his pension fund, or from whatever my parents may leave us. But I don’t expect much from the pension fund if anything at all, and fortunately my parents should have several more years left to live.

And so I will live in an undersized shitbox filled with barking and no hope for the future until I end it all, and it’s so true that only I can end it. I just can’t end it the way I’d like to end it which would be by having a decent life. All we wanted was just a damn job and a simple home where we didn’t have to hear other people’s animals. I don’t make them listen to mine, not that rats are noisy. But why was that so damn much to ask for? I wasn’t asking for any “special treatment” from life or from any person. People may be quick to tell me that a life of poverty in noisy rentals is better than a life in prison or in some war-torn place like the Middle East, but to me this is bad enough. It’s not what I want; it’s not what I deserve, and if I can’t have the life I want then maybe I just don’t deserve to have one in the first place. It’s not just about being unable to be in the driver’s seat of my life, but also about the possibility of being right about some outer source having a hand in doing this to me. Well, the thought of my death being a real slap in the face to whatever the hell it is and the reality that it can never hurt me again or curse me in any way is quite satisfying. Can’t deny that much. It just won’t be happening till the end of the year if it does happen. I don’t know what the afterlife may hold for me, but I’ve got to find out someday anyway, and the more this shit goes on, the less scared I am at the thought of finding out. For now, I will just try to make the best of however many more weeks or months I’ve got left.

I remember full well the rejection I went through from the gay community for being as feminine as I am. I was seen as ugly as a man usually sees a severely obese woman and I knew it.

One night I did an experiment when Andy and I went out to a gay bar and ditched the heels, dress and makeup altogether. I braided my hair, stuffed it down a baggy T-shirt so it wouldn’t appear so damn long, and wore jeans and sneakers. Not one ounce of makeup either. Still, no one would go near me. That’s when I realized it wasn’t just about my femininity despite the fact that yes, that’s really seen as a no-no for the most part in the gay world unless you’re a guy in drag, but about fate. I, Jodi Lin, was simply not meant to be with anyone and experience true lust. I would have been quite a slut too, LOL, had fate allowed me to. But that was another thing the bastard above – or whatever’s up there – took away from me. So there I was, in the so-called prime of my sex life, left to live on empty dreams only.

By the time I got to Arizona, I quit feeling sorry for myself and became angry. I wanted to “pay people back” and lead them on and dump them and just shit on society in general. But if my botched “experiment” wasn’t funny enough, well, I couldn’t hook any lady’s interest (unless it was another Brenda or Kacey) in the first place in order to screw them over. Not sure if I could have in the end anyway. I’m more compassionate than I even like to admit and I would have felt too guilty just thinking about dumping someone as long as they were good to me. So I was no Ice Princess in that department.

So here I am without a stitch of regret over meeting/marrying Tom, but sometimes sad and a bit angry about what else I may have missed out on before we met because I didn’t have the “right” look and because something up there hates me so damn much that it wants to make sure to deprive me of every single fucking dream I could ever have. Each thing that I lose out on convinces me all the more that it’s not just a case of bad luck. If I’d lost out on a few, then yes, but not after losing out on one thing after another. And while I know deep down in my heart of hearts that I’m just as deserving as anyone else out there, it also lowers my self-esteem and my self-confidence and makes me feel like I’m the undeserving piece of shit it seems to think I am. That’s ok; a few more months and the party’s over for whatever’s been so determined to cheat me out of life. It was never mine to live but it’s mine to take. And I can and will do that anytime I’m ready to.

These days I don’t really fall into much of any category. I am not fat but I am not thin. I am not ugly but I am not pretty. I am not plain but I am not cute. The only thing I’m sure of today is that I am in one seriously fucked up mood. No doubt about that one!

I feel like Tom’s already retired even though he wasn’t supposed to retire till he was 66 years and 6 months. 666 – the devil. Cute, huh?

A couple more days and his shit mom turns 88. I quit checking the obits to see if she’s gone bye-bye. The benign bitch is never gonna die.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26, 2011 Finished responding to all my email and Facebook messages which seemed to take forever, LOL. I heard from Maliheh, Alison, Kim, Nane, Irene and my sister. Only my sister had some pretty unpleasant news to share. She’s got an autoimmune disease called Sjogren’s. Two years ago, around the time we got into it online, it started with one lung and a dry mouth, but now it has spread to her other lung and around the heart because it is difficult to diagnose and went untreated. So despite our past differences, I feel bad for the suffering she’s going through. She has trouble breathing and even trouble standing and walking due to nerve damage.

She’s going to be undergoing chemo to try to kill some bad cells, then maybe even a bone marrow transplant in the future, but from what my research says Sjogren’s isn’t deadly, just a nightmare to have to live with. She’s on full disability now and home bored.

It’s ironic that she came down with this around the time she and her brood pissed me off.

I’d be lying if I said (though I won’t say it online of course) that I didn’t wish it would kill her so there’d be one less sibling to have to share any inheritance money with, but I couldn’t get that lucky. I also know Tammy has a history of being a hypochondriac and exaggerating “conditions” and whatnot. Even if it did kill her, her kids would get what she would have gotten, no doubt.

I entered to win a trip to Munich and we’ll leave it to fate from there, as I told Nane. What I didn’t tell her was that I know she Googled me yesterday and spent about a half-hour combing through my blog, LOL. Really it was all I could do to keep from asking her, “Did you find what you were looking for?”

I got a little worried she would either dump me or really let me have it for some of the things I wrote about her, but she never said a word and we were chatting happily about the weather shortly afterward.

Maliheh said she’s preparing for Hurricane Irene and hoping not to lose power, and Alison, who is as cursed health-wise as we are money-wise, said she’s just getting over pneumonia.

Love how she said the troll gave her her old Kiwibox PW when they were “friends” so she could do her journal or deal with any rudeness in her notes. Then one day she got curious and wanted to see if she used the same simple PW on other sites and was able to access her email account, which she’s sort of taken over, even though she’s never sent anything from it. She just wanted to see what kind of shit she was saying behind her back about her, Kim and Kathy.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24, 2011 As usual, people in different parts of the world, most of whom I’ve never met and never will meet, continue to somehow affect and control my life while I could never control another human being even if I wanted to. In other words, because the assholes at TLC just had to go and air a show about pro sweepers I’ve just about stopped winning altogether. Over 2,000 new members joined the sweeps site just today alone. All the show has done is put more money in the already rich rude bastard’s pocket that founded the site. Another reason to resent God; He lets the rich get richer while the poor get poorer.

I’m glad that hurricane Irene isn’t going to be as bad as they first thought it might be unless you’re on the coast of NC, but I’m worried that the dream I had last spring of Tom getting a job in September is going to be wrong because I don’t have the same accuracy rate with good dreams that I do with bad dreams.

So other than feeling like things are never going to change, that’s really all I can say right now. Sorry to make this so short but I guess it makes up for some of my long, drawn-out entries.

The troll took a few days off, but then a couple of nights ago I was surprised to find her check-in in the middle of the night. Like she just couldn’t wait and had to sneak in while her enabling parents slept. But since then she’s been in on and off throughout the daytime as usual.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2011 This won’t be much of an entry cuz I’m drowsy now. I had to take some Benadryl for my allergies.

I was loving every ounce of attention I got from Nane yesterday, LOL, even if it won’t last long. She laughed at one of my funny profile pics which Irene promptly “liked.”

There was an earthquake in Virginia today that could be felt from North Carolina to Toronto. Andy didn’t feel it but Maliheh felt it while texting a friend from the VA hospital. She was on the second floor. The third floor was under construction and so she thought they just dropped something really heavy. This is the third earthquake she’s felt in her life while I have never felt just one. That’s ok. I’m not sure I want to!

Now Maliheh’s worried about “Irene,” a hurricane headed her way. I shared an article about it with my friend Irene. I thought she might get a kick out of sharing a name with a hurricane, LOL.

Still no wins, but Tom got a call saying they were still waiting to hear back on his résumé. Yeah, right. And I’m still waiting to hear from Abraham Lincoln.

MONDAY, AUGUST 22, 2011 Today’s Nane’s 51st birthday. I hope she has a good one, whatever she’s doing, which I assume is working. Although she and I will never have the bond that I share with Tom and someone else, that woman is like a drug to me! She’s an addiction of sorts, LOL. I tell myself it’s pointless to bother with her but I just can’t seem to help myself. The way she simply “tolerates” me instead of really caring about me is enough to tell me I should move on, but it’s just not that easy. She says she’s busy and just isn’t into writing like I am, and maybe that’s true, but after a year of being friends with her, I honestly can’t think of any time she sent me a message on her own. They were all in response to something I sent her first. But if one year later I still have a crush on her, who knows how many more years it will go on, LOL? She’s just so damn hot!

Andy predicts she’ll dump me someday. That’s what I thought she’d do when we had our little disagreement a few months back, so we’ll see. I’m still not sure if she was deliberately playing with my head or if she was just joking, thus unknowingly confusing me and playing with my head.

Andy pointed out that if the Israelis nuke the Palestinians they would be nuking themselves, too. That’s true. He’s got a point there. I wasn’t thinking of that when I wrote my last entry. But I am thinking how horrible it will be once the terrorists get the technology in hand to nuke everyone because they wouldn’t hesitate to nuke themselves in order to nuke others. Some folks aren’t just mean, they’re crazy. The president of Iran has already said he’d love to bomb Israel even if it meant losing several million of his own because there’d still be enough people to sustain his warped population. Fucking Arabs! I hate ‘em all, I have absolutely NO problem whatsoever in saying so, and I don’t care how sensitive this country’s gotten as far as saying the slightest negative thing about a non-white. If you’re fucked up you’re fucked up no matter what/who you are.

Andy just emailed me saying he fell asleep around midnight, woke up a few hours later and discovered his lights on downstairs which he always turns off before bed. He said he went down, turned them off, went back upstairs and heard his door open and close minutes later. Two more minutes and he got up the nerve to go back downstairs. No lights on, but what did they do? he wonders. Poison his food?

He’s totally creeped out. I’d be scared too, and I don’t scare easily! Wonder if it could’ve been his mom. She lives next door. I could barely stay online long enough to reply before the connection cut out for the millionth time. As I told him, I’d tell him to call the pigs, but knowing how corrupt most of them are, scratched that idea. They’ve already given him enough shit just because he’s gay.

I was bummed out earlier not just because of how our lives are right now, but because the more we complain about our shitty internet service, the more they harass us and I’m now beyond thoroughly convinced we’ll NEVER have reliable service as long as we live here.

To add to my already shitty mood were the fucking dogs and again I wish someone would complain but know they won’t. I thought that being a Sunday night we could have some peace around here, so I turned off the sound machines around 9:00. Just minutes later, they started up, and I knew that if they were going off at that hour, they’d be at it till the wee hours of the morning and they still are even though it’s after 1am. I almost wish Jesse would complain about the rent splitting just so I could have a reason to really tear into his ass.

Not that it would do us any good since whoever filed the formal complaint that was filed on account of the dogs before we got here did them any good, but I wish I knew of a way to complain anonymously. After all this time I doubt he’d suspect us. But the courts would want to see both parties in court and they would want proof which would be hard to provide. I can’t go in there with a tape of all the barking because that could be made anywhere, anytime by anyone. And they can’t send someone from the courts to hang out with us for 6 hours once or twice a week when the little fuck takes off. Furthermore, all Jesse has to say is that when he’s not home there’s “nothing he can do about it,” as unrealistic and as untrue as I know that is. He doesn’t want to do anything about it. But sadly, it’s widely acceptable for those to cease to take responsibility for their dogs when they’re not home so long as they aren’t roaming loose or attacking anyone. Loose dogs and attacks are the only things one can do anything about around here. Barking and disturbing the peace is totally acceptable.

I was thinking of how Maliheh was asking me if I’d had any dreams of her having a heart attack or sleeping in her truck since she got into an argument with her landlord over her staying in the rental she’s in now. Yeah, I may’ve forgotten to mention that but I guess they had an agreement for her to stay a few more years, but now the asshole’s talking about selling. The point is that her concerns have me realizing that she doesn’t have anyone to support her any more than we do. She may have friends in a sense, but not true friends who really care and who would go out of their way for her like we would if she needed a place to go. I guess part of that may be her own doing since she is a loner and she is still a bitch, LOL, like it or not.

Later…

There are more people unemployed in the state of California than there are gays and lesbians. That’s pretty sad, ain’t it? And the scary dreams are starting up again too, but first I’ll cover the funny one. I don’t know what the hell brought this one on but instead of wishing Nane a happy birthday like I did in reality, I dreamt that I wrote on her wall: I hope every single lesbian in the city of Munich hits on you for your birthday.

LOL, remember she’s changed her story and is “not into women” even though her words have said otherwise, she had a one-nighter and liked it, and a belly dancer for her last birthday party. I’m used to being jerked around by women like her, though, and interestingly enough it’s never been the other way around. Meaning I’ve never had a woman I’ve been friends with for a while one day come out and tell me they more than like me. They only go from saying or seeming to more than like me to just liking me, LOL.

The dream was still kind of funny. I’ll have to use that line in a story somehow. I told Nane about it too, but in a private message of course. I don’t think she was on Facebook yesterday to get her wall full of birthday wishes. She must’ve gotten 20 of them! Why do I have a feeling I won’t even get as many as the drama queen got and that was about 10? And why do I have a stronger feeling that Nane won’t even care to be one of the 3 or 4 that do wish me a happy birthday? Oh, I almost can’t wait for my birthday. Just curious to see who really gives a damn.

Now for the less-than-thrilling dream. I was leaving Andy’s place in Springfield after visiting him. Then I was walking around Springfield (it sure looked like Springfield anyway) and didn’t seem to know Tom at all. Instead, I lived by myself in a two-story, two-bedroom place that may or may not have been attached to someone else. I entered this place which makes no sense for someone who’s supposed to be poor since it was kind of nice, and then I felt chilled. My first thought was to grab a sweater instead of turning up the heat, but then I decided to turn it up figuring my folks would help pay for it.

Then my mother called to tell me she talked to the “food stamp lady” and that she would be over any minute and so I should hurry up and finish whatever food was left in my kitchen.

“I have 3 cans of soup left. I can’t eat 3 cans of soup at once, ma,” I told her.

“Then hide a couple of cans in the bathroom or something. The number of food stamps you get will be determined by what’s in your kitchen.”

LOL, another ridiculous dream in that that’s not the way they determine food subsidy amounts, but still, it makes me wonder if perhaps something’s trying to remind me that I’m always going to be stuck in the past no matter how hard I try to jump into the future.

When I’m in a good mood I feel blessed for many reasons. But when I’m in a bad mood (which seems to be too often these days) I feel singled out, cursed, picked on and punished in just about every way imaginable.

Tom and I were talking last night about why he thinks our lives will get better and why I don’t think they will. I listed off my shortcomings and bad experiences which make me feel all the more like a freak and a bit of a fluke of nature, but as funny as this may sound, a part of me is glad I had the miscarriage I had during the summer of ’98. Not just because a kid would’ve been a horrible addition to our lives and I came to really value my freedom being the selfish bitch I can be, but because I just might feel all the more like a freak had I never been able to conceive in the first place.

The odds of having this kind of sleep disorder alone are one in thousands. Forget about the deformed/deaf ear, the husband who couldn’t always function in bed, the driving phobia and all the other shit I went through and still am going through. So that alone can make me really wonder just what the hell’s up there that thinks I’m such a worthless and undeserving piece of shit.

While guys tend to be pickier about a woman’s appearance, women tend to be pickier about personality and what kinds of problems one may have. No wonder so few women wanted me! And the few that did were flat outa their minds themselves. I hate to say it for I know it may sound horribly judgmental, paranoid and even discriminate, but if some woman came out and told me they had feelings for me the first thing that would cross my mind is – what’s wrong with her? Is it drugs? Or is she just nuts? I know it wouldn’t be fair of me to do that, but I can only think of a few women that like/liked me that didn’t have any faulty wiring. One’s sort of in the east, the others were corrections officers, LOL.

But Marie, Brenda, Linda – they were all on drugs or suffering some kind of mental illness. Kacey wasn’t a skitzo or on drugs, but I think it’s safe to say that that’s why she dumped me, LOL. There also isn’t a damn thing wrong with those I like that don’t like me back (in that way), though I also realize I’m attracted to a certain type of woman. Bitches who aren’t mean or abusive but who aren’t afraid to take a stand for themselves and speak their minds.

At the same time 99.9% of the women that like me are out of their minds, I can’t help but wonder how the hell I got so damn lucky as to nab a guy like Tom. They may have different standards and expectations, but learning that I could get someone after all who was both sane and smart, even if it was a guy, was a real boost for my self-esteem.

Anyway, something needs to be done about both our internet provider and about Jesse, but I just don’t know what yet. Those dogs didn’t shut up till 3am and I don’t think anyone’s been living there at least over the weekend. Tom said he didn’t hear the motorcycle for two days and there’s no way he wouldn’t ride the damn thing in this weather. I think the dogs only shut up when they did not because he came home but because they just got too tired to keep on barking. It’d be like a person shouting for 6 hours. But someone needs to make him take responsibility for the damn things even when he’s out. Hours and hours of barking once or twice a week is just ridiculous. It’s rude, it’s inconsiderate, and it totally defeats part of the purpose we escaped the city in the first place.

I should find out any minute now if I’m going to be in for 6 hours of barking tonight or not. If so then I’ll have to blast the sound machines and skip out on tonight’s language studies as well since I need a quiet background to do them in.

I’m still doing the silent read-through of my story and going as fast as I can. Too much time off between readings can lead to inconsistencies in one’s story. Mitch (Paul) was laughing when I said I found an error right off the bat in someone’s age. He said he knows what that’s like. One of his characters got the prior day’s events backward, LOL. In a few days, I will run the story through the electronic reader as the barking permits.

We finally got the $500 I won and can now fill up our propane tank, but I’m really wondering if I’m going to win anything good again. All I’ve been winning lately is piddly crap or shit I can’t use.

And what if my dream of him landing a job next month is wrong? After all, the good dreams are always hit or miss.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 20, 2011 Someone in Malaysia has been visiting my blog every day. Wonder if there’s a connection between them and whoever hacked my Gmail account.

Two years ago when I met Paul online we ended up in a discussion about how people tend to perceive us. I told him that people either hate me or they love me, but rarely ever just like me, and it’s true. They either run freaked out by my unique and wacky ways and the fact that I’m so outspoken and brutally blunt, or as one person said, I have a way of creeping under their skin and into their hearts. He told me he just liked me when we first met. He was very sure of it, too. But recently he told me he loved me. I told him “I told you so.” LOL Besides, he’d already confessed in a dream I had, so between that and our online interactions, I wasn’t that surprised. Yeah, people sometimes tell me things in my dreams that they either don’t want to or simply haven’t gotten around to telling me in person. But I don’t jump the gun and assume that every single thing someone “tells” me in my dreams is for real. I just assume there’s a chance it is. I love him too, in my own way and would probably meet him if I was single and he wasn’t so far away. I may’ve only been attracted to something like 5 or 6 guys in my life as opposed to zillions of women, but sometimes we meet people so damn cool that we just don’t care what they are.

Speaking of love, well, I was thinking about all the premonitions I’ve had and I hate to say it but my accuracy rate sometimes scares the shit out of even me. Many people say they find the idea of premonitions really cool if not a bit creepy, but with a track record like mine, it really takes the fun out of it at times. Love was the only biggie I have ever been wrong about so far. I really believed I was going to be forever loveless. Every ounce of my gut told me so. But when it comes to the bad things that’s the only thing I’ve been wrong about so far. For some reason 2007 was the year I just knew for sure that we were going to be poor most of our lives. Funny how 4 years later we’re sitting in a dumpy old trailer on Unemployment. If I could have picked one thing to be wrong about, though, love would have been it. I am a loner but I also love to be loved like any other human being on this earth, and I like to share love as well. But why is it that only the bad things are what I can predict? shrugs I guess there’s a reason people like me are sometimes referred to as doom psychics.

The fucking Palestinians are picking on Israel again. And I don’t care who I piss off by saying that it really pisses me off. But as someone else said, the Pals are like little children who hit their larger playmates and then scream “foul” when retaliated against. Really, why would anyone be so damn idiotic as to pick on a country that has the capability of nuking their asses good??? Do they want to die? Really, do they actually have some kind of death wish? They had to know they’d be getting a taste of their own medicine and then some dished right back when they provoked them for no reason at all other than just that they’re a bunch of sickos. sighs Well, the only way to kill the terrorists who love to toss bombs around is to drop the bomb on the terrorists! Kinda like killing the queen ant versus just the drones. :)

Time for my wet cardboard. That’s how Tom describes the texture of oatmeal, LOL.

Later…

Will I always have feelings for those who don’t have feelings for me, one being in another country, one being in my own? Will I always wish for change that never comes? Really, nothing ever seems to change lately! Everything’s the same. My weight, the job market, our entire lives. :( If it weren’t for Tom, my friends and my hobbies I’d crack up for sure.

I’m naturally artistic and I always have been and always will be regardless of what’s going on in my life. My life could suddenly be a bowl of cherries and I’d still have a creative side like I do; a little in the arts and music area and more so in the writing area. But I think that having a dull if not shitty life so much of the time makes story-writing all the more fun and even therapeutic in a sense for in stories I can go places I’ll never go, I can do things I’ll never do, and I can be with people I’ll never be with. As a suspense writer, I can say that at the same time, I wouldn’t want to experience everything I write about, and I wouldn’t want to associate with some of my more evil characters.

I’m starting to wonder if it’s going to take something risky and radical on our part if we’re ever going to bring about any real change to our lives. It’s just that being risky and radical can sometimes bring about unwanted change as well. sighs It’s tough at times. I don’t want to take chances but I also don’t want to stay stuck like this for another few years and then maybe another.

That human side of me that longs to be human remains forever cursed and so I will always lust for those I can’t have while I remain in a lustless marriage despite the abundance of love within it.

I asked Irene if she was my blog visitor but she said it’s not her. Hmm… my blog link is visible to outsiders so it could be anyone. I know they’re coming from Facebook, but I’d guess it’s still not Nane. I just can’t believe she’d find my life that interesting or be that curious to see what I may say about her. Why would she show up on TIP only once if it was her? I think it’s her brothers, SIL, or maybe even that rude Dieter. How I wish I could hack into Nane’s messages just to see what she may be saying to whom about me! I’m just so curious.

Anyway, I’m still not sure Irene likes me. Maybe if we were neighbors or we didn’t have a mutual friend I would know it if she did like me. Maybe the distance and Nane are keeping her at bay. LOL, she was quick to ask if I noticed Nane changed her single status to in a relationship. I guess it’s official now. But did she tell me in hopes of getting me to pay more attention to her? Or did she tell me thinking she might be helping Nane out by telling me so it might drive me away from her? Either way, she says she’s been busy at work and swimming on the weekends.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 18, 2011 Why is it that when a man beats a woman everyone’s quick to make excuses for him and support him, but when a woman beats a man she gets thrown in jail? Just wondering about that one, though it’s got nothing to do with what’s going on. What’s going on is that I seem to be getting better and better at winning things I can’t use. Yeah, lucky me, huh? This time around it was for a free night at some hotel in New York. I entered in haste without realizing what it was I was entering for.

Anyway, I’m having one of those why-do-I-bother-living days. I’m just sick of getting the wrong results for my efforts. It doesn’t make any more sense than it would for someone to stand in the middle of a busy highway and not get hit. I work out most days and most days I also watch my calorie intake. After all this hard work, shouldn’t I be losing weight instead of staying the same? And if we’re just as willing and able as the next guy, then why is life treating us as if we were lazy bums who didn’t give a shit about anything? Really, you would think we were some of the laziest people in the world with the way we’re forced to sit on our asses day after day. If no one’s going to give my husband a job then he should be allowed to retire with full benefits. NOW.

Tom was annoying me by not speaking loud enough. Finally sick of saying, “What?” I gave him my own dose of annoyance and spoke nothing but Spanish for hours. :))) Back when we lived in Oregon on a busy street with “tooth houses” that were closely set and he left real early for work, he would tell me not to sing so loud if that’s what I was going to do when I was up at that time. I’d laugh since we both knew I could be heard downtown as loud as I am, and I would tease him by saying he could be outside singing at the top of his lungs in the middle of the night and no one would hear him. It’s so true, too! He is definitely the “soft-spoken” type.

Although childish, I picked on Marilena for 12 hours and then dumped her. I don’t need bigots for friends. I didn’t do anything illegal and I didn’t drag her friends into it, but I didn’t hesitate to speak my mind. It was rather therapeutic and great Italian writing practice. :)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17, 2011 I can now add Italians to my hate list. My God, what bigots! Yeah, I learned a new Italian word today when Marilena posted “Che peccato!!!!” after asking me about my book which I posted the link to on my wall. That translates to “What sin!!!!!” Not a thrilling thing to wake up to today, and I thought she was my friend all this time. I let her know in Italian that I found her comment to be both rude and offensive. If she wants to think, feel and believe such hateful bigoted things – fine, but don’t do it on my wall in public if she doesn’t have anything nice to say. I guess that’s one more reason not to cry if we can’t go to Shitaly. Why hang out with a bunch of hate-mongers?

To add to my already foul mood was the usual cutting in and out of our internet connection. Tom tried to call but no one would talk to him so we let them have it on their Facebook wall. I’m about ready to seriously consider shutting them down and just going to the library every few days. Why pay for service we’re not getting? When we do happen to be connected they won’t give us our full speed. It’s just terrible and it’s obviously a problem that’s not going away, so since we can’t move we may as well ditch them. Tom suspects sunspots may also be a factor in the shitty service since it was going out at the same time for a few days in a row. I still think it’s them deliberately fucking around with us and probably others, too. Some people have nothing better to do.

To add even more to my shitty mood is the fact that they called to tell Tom they were sending his résumé to another company. So what? Anybody can send anything to anyone. That’s not the same as actually giving the guy a fucking job so who cares?

Does the shit stop there? No, it doesn’t. Maliheh told me she hadn’t been receiving my journal entries for a while and thought we weren’t able to get online since she knows we have lousy service here. Christine, however, said she’s gotten all of them so maybe the fact that they have different email providers has something to do with it. Either way, I have pulled everyone off the auto-send for now since it obviously can’t be trusted. Maliheh said it’d make her feel special if I sent them to her myself so that’s what I’m going to do from now on. Others will just have to come to the site.

We’re rearranging the living room yet again so that the treadmill is closer to the cooler. 75º can feel like 95º when you’re running on that thing in an area where not much air is moving. It’s been so dry lately that the cooler’s been running more efficiently since swamp coolers work better in drier weather. It was actually cycling off at times during the afternoon even when it was in the 90s. I just hope no forest fires erupt close by!

Mary’s release date had been listed as 1/16/13 for the longest time. Then recently I noticed it was set for 1/6/13 and now it says 12/27/12. I hope it keeps getting earlier and earlier, but so far everything’s happened that I pretty much figured would happen since I first learned of her case. I think they’re going to keep her in for as many of her childbearing years as possible. I just hope that whenever the hell she gets out she proves the media wrong in saying that chances are she’s “learned little and will end up barefoot and pregnant by some other bad boy.”

Nane commented on my wall post and Irene on some pictures of mine. I sent them both messages. They’re both so lovely in their own different ways. Good friends like them, Mitch and others make up for the haters out there. I know not all Italians hate gays but many are taught to hate them even though this is still no excuse. Any adult with half a brain should know it’s wrong to pick on those who are different and that comments like that are as rude as posting “fatso” on the wall of someone who’s heavy. I can’t wait for the day someone has the utter stupidity to say shit like this to my face! I love my husband but I also love women. Always have, always will, and it is with zero shame. :)

Speaking of the “sinful” book she so rudely commented on, I got another sale in the UK on Amazon!

I also finally got that book I won. I was going to wait till I got stronger reading glasses to read it, but decided not to. With good lighting and the book held far enough away, I can read it ok.

I got a surprise win this week too; a pair of socks. I wore them when I walked/ran just over 2 miles for 40 minutes and burned 200 calories. :)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 16, 2011 I talked to Becky yesterday. Her voice sounded deeper than I expected it to and she herself was pretty wound up. She was almost spastic and rambled quite a bit. Despite being a “normal soccer mom of 3 with a house in the suburbs and overall success,” as she put it, I wonder just how with it she is at times. I know she’s struggling really badly with her VH memories and admits that even though she’s almost 44 years old, she’s still scared of Donna A.

Despite Blogger’s lack of detailed stats it’s enough to tell me that this blog is getting an awful lot of traffic. When I clicked on “day” in the stats section I found that tons of posts had been viewed in just a single day and I can’t help but wonder - who are all these people that are so curious to read about my life? Hmm… I guess that’s for them to know and me to wonder.

Today’s my sister’s birthday. She’s now 54, Tom’s age. I wished her a happy birthday in 4 languages.

Tom discovered this radio site that gives you points for listening to music, rating profiles, making blog entries, etc.

MONDAY, AUGUST 15, 2011 I found Mary C, the staffer I had a crush on who ended up with some other staffer. She’s doing really well for herself. Better than Donna. She became a trial lawyer. I sent her a message saying hi and wishing her well, but don’t expect to hear back from her.

Becky was delayed from posting VH pics over the weekend because a culvert under the road that directs the brook broke and flooded her place. It took out 100’ of her driveway and part of her ground floor, the poor girl. I told her I would still call her this evening.

It was so nice to go to bed without having to put my hair up just to sleep with it and not have to put it up to work out. I don’t think I’ve had my hair this short since the day I was born, LOL, but it sure is nice to have something so much easier to deal with until and if I ever get to missing long hair. It looks good long whether it’s layered or not, but it definitely doesn’t look good one length at my shoulders. Because it’s so thick and curly it makes it look like there’s a hump on my head when it’s short and one length, so layering it makes it look much better.

Yesterday I walked/ran 2.5 miles for 45 minutes and burned 250 calories. Today I only worked out for 30 minutes cuz I had to go to the potty. The post-workout leg aches stopped as of yesterday, which is nice, and today the sore feet stopped. I’m also able to run close to the 6 MPH that nearly killed me in the preset workout I tried to do before I was in better shape.

What happened in Oregon in 2005 was a real wake-up call for me as to just how out of shape I’d gotten. We were out walking for the better part of an hour. We hadn’t even made it back home when I was in agony. The next day my hips and knees hurt so bad I could barely walk and I was only 38 years old.

The troll keeps Googling my blog lately, though I don’t know why. She used to bookmark my blog or come in from Formspring, but instead, she’s Googling my name and jumping in from there. I’ve finally had enough of her and now that I know where she goes, which is pretty much everywhere several times a day, I’ve blocked that IP from tracking so I don’t have to have her existence in my face so often. She’ll still be there, but I won’t have to know the details. I just wonder how many years can one live with their enabling parents without a job and continue to stalk the same people over and over that clearly can’t stand them? Will she always have so much time on her hands? Will she still be following me a decade from now? Two decades? I appreciate her not contacting me, but I have so rarely mentioned Alison and Kim, her obvious main obsessions. So what is it she’s looking for? Just what is it she’s hoping to find in my blog? I know there’s no way in hell she reads it because she finds it interesting. If I weren’t associated with Kim and Aly she’d never read it and I know that.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 14, 2011 Not much to say today other than that A Rainbow in Munich is now done, yay! The 40,000-word story is now being edited and I should be able to begin posting a chapter at a time with my regular journal entries in about a month or so.

I had a dream that had something to do with me thinking about the many thousands of dollars that we were expecting and how we planned to use some of the money. I don’t know if I won this money or not. I’ll just say that if I don’t get any win notices next week I’m going to be getting worried! I win something every few days, so that wouldn’t be like me at all.

I was stunned to learn that Donna, the evil housemother of the long-gone VH, is only 57 years old today! And alive and doing quite well from the looks of the family taxi-turned-limo service she’s president of. Figures God would bless a mean evil witch like that. God is just as cruel, twisted and as unfair as the people He “supposedly” created. I guess it makes sense, though, to create beings much like ourselves, huh?

Anyway, I’m just flabbergasted to learn she’s this young. That would put her at just 28 when I had the great misfortune of meeting the bitch. I know adults tend to seem older to kids, but still. The way she acted, dressed, talked and the type of music she listened to all suggested she was older than 28. I really thought she was in her late 40s to early 50s! She had long scraggly dark hair during my first of two years there which looked kind of witchy. Then she hacked it off and that made her look even older despite losing the witchy look the longer hair had given her.

I passed the info on to Becky in case she’d ever like to call her and have a word with her. After all, the bitch can’t exactly throw her on restriction now, can she? I told her that if she does call, tell her Jodi with the broken arm whom she never gave a damn about, gave her the number. :)

SATURDAY, AUGUST 13, 2011 Tom’s two-week assignment has ended, so now it’s time to move onto the next plane in life, whatever that may be. I have a feeling, though, it’ll be back to wishing I had more time alone and wondering how many more years this shit’s going to go on. Unless what the guy said was true about a certain company being “excited” over his résumé and hoping to set up interviews for Monday.

Tom’s kind of glad to be done with the last job as great as the money was. While the people were nice to him, they all wanted to kill each other for some reason. As soon as one guy would walk out of the room, some other guy would be quick to tell Tom how terrible the guy was, LOL.

I finally broke down and dyed my hair. I tried so hard to get used to the idea of just going gray to save time and money and the hassles of having to keep up on it, but gray hair just looks so awful on most women. So when we went to the grocery store this morning I tried Nice-n-Easy’s new foaming dye for the first time and it’s great. It’s easier to use and gives great coverage. It also rinses out easier, and of course having 5” of hair instead of 25” helps too. The stuff is well worth the extra money. :) I got the light golden brown, though it still looks pretty dark to me. That’s ok. I’ve always preferred shades of browns and blacks as opposed to reds and blonds.

I also decided to try replacing my high-calorie coffee creamer with Torani’s sugar-free coffee/tea syrup and wow! Love the caramel-flavored one. :) I searched Yahoo Answers for a low or no-cal alternative since I’d really rather eat my calories than drink them. And 200 calories in drinks when you’re dieting is a bit extreme.

We’re both more convinced than ever that Jesse does not have money problems. We think the real reason he’s having us write the rent out in his sister’s name is that he’s trying to get on disability and hide the extra income he gets from us. But as long as he doesn’t screw with us we don’t care who he hides what from.

Been pretty busy since getting up around 6am and now I’m going to relax and hopefully finish my book!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 12, 2011 The drama queen posted a picture of Mark with his daughter Stephanie and her 3 kids. Ugh, those are some big and ugly kids! Stephanie’s even uglier, though.

No one seemed to have an opinion on whether or not I should put the MP3 player back, so I took down the poll.

Today’s my parent’s 60th wedding anniversary, so I called and briefly spoke with them this morning. Imagine being married to the one you love for that long. That’s amazing!

Now for the lovely surprise I was in for yesterday. Someone named Rebecca requested to add me as a friend on Facebook. At first I didn’t know who it was as I didn’t recognize the last name. I saw she was in the northeast, though, and about my age. What a coincidence, huh? Then I studied her picture and it hit me who she was; a fellow Valleyhead victim turned survivor. She’s married now with 3 kids and seems to have done quite well for herself, but I don’t like to go into too much detail about others as it may make them uncomfortable. If they want to discuss their life in public they can start their own blog.

I will just say that Becky was one of the ones I was closest to in VH and she really looked out for me. The bigger kids usually looked out for the smaller kids unless they were busy bullying them. Well, no one messed with me when Becky was around, and as she said in a forum that discusses the “school” being shut down due to abuse, she was there when I jumped out the window. And instead of getting me the help I needed I was ostracized and made to feel ashamed. She helped me bathe and wash my hair when my arm was in a cast, not them.

She too, hated Donna, the blitzed bitch, right along with her nasty sister and a certain other staff member with a very mean mouth. I think just about every student who ever went to this so-called school will suffer some form of PTS and nightmares on and off throughout their lives. I just hope that these particular staff members, whom I could probably never forgive even with an apology, have miserable lives themselves. They deserve it!

Although Becky reaching out to me may have invoked some terrible memories, there will always be a special kinship between us VH sisters, I think, in a way that’s different from those who get the blessing of attending “real” high schools.

I jokingly “reversed” Nane’s Turkey trip countdown being the mischievous little devil I can be. She got a kick out of it too, LOL. Then I quickly chatted with Irene.

I’m getting in better and better shape so now I have to mix running in with the walking to really challenge myself. I’m no longer getting cramps and pains like I was getting for a while, but I’m getting this strange achy feeling in the very upper front part of my legs a few hours after working out. Not sure what that’s all about. I drink plenty of water. Anyway, I run on and off during the first part of my workout at 5 MPH, then walk at around 3.1 MPH. Those calories really burn off faster at 5 than at 3! Wish I could run that fast throughout the entire time, but then I would have joint problems for sure. I am able to run in longer bursts, though, so that’s good. Too bad there’s no way to speed up the time, LOL, but 40 minutes is 40 minutes no matter how fast I’m burning calories.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10, 2011 Well, I sure was wrong in assuming Nane and Irene were upset with me. A few days ago I asked Nane if she was still waiting on her PC or just taking a Facebook vacation. I knew she came in a couple of times during work hours because she posted on a few friends’ walls. I thought she was upset with me since she didn’t even take the time to answer my question. But then yesterday she replied saying she was still waiting on her new PC. Then we exchanged a few messages. I told her I had heard less and less from her since she got upset over the explicit messages and thought she was upset with me. But she said that was just a coincidence and she knew I was probably thinking that way (is that why she left me hanging?). She said she gave her PC to her mother’s husband for him to fix but he’s been busy. And I said Tom or I probably could have fixed it for her, LOL. She misses being online, she says, so hopefully she’ll be back soon enough, though I still don’t know that I’ll hear from her much more than I already do.

Just when I didn’t think she was going to say anything, she said she didn’t want to tell me before but one of my friends (she named the name of my dummy account) said she wanted her to unfriend me because she has a crush on me. Then she went on to say she didn’t reply because she didn’t take her words seriously. Why would she want her to unfriend me when she’s thousands of miles away just so she can have her way? If that is what I wish, she said, though she has absolutely no problems with me as long as I accept she’s not lesbian.

Maybe just a touch bi, I told her. :) But I assured her I would like to remain friends and that we’d keep our discussion secret for now from “Kate.”

I’m kind of surprised she mentioned the “message” to me, but that was part of what I wanted to see, even if it was dishonest of me and I don’t intend to make a habit of it.

Nane was in today, though we didn’t chat. Irene “liked” the card I posted to her wall and some of my comments to Nane. Once again, if I didn’t know better I’d wonder if she liked me. Whenever Nane and I are out and about in public she usually jumps in and joins us in a way that suggests competition, LOL.

She’s usually fairly quick to “like” things I post to her wall so that’s why I thought she too, was upset with me when I saw that she was on last night but didn’t “like” or comment on anything. Like I said, maybe more of Marie lives in me than I had realized. Online it’s hard to really judge what’s going through a person’s mind. I think that’s what caused my misunderstanding with Nane. What I took for being led on was probably just her joking with me and I didn’t know any better and took it seriously.

One of the things I asked of Irene a few days ago before I took the MP3 player down was to let me know if she thought the volume was too loud. Today she said it was fine. My first thought was, “You liar! I just checked TIP and you weren’t even in my blog.” In the past, I’ve known her to show up as Austria both on GA and TIP. But then I noticed a Germany hit on GA. The one I’ve been getting in an “unset” location that TIP is blind to. Thinking it was Nane going to look at the “comments” I created from someone pretending to be her, I pulled up what posts were accessed. Not the one with the comments. So now I’m thinking it’s Irene who’s been coming in every week or so and this makes more sense when you think about it. She would be more interested in my blog than Nane would be because she cares about me more than Nane does.

Now let’s move on to the troll. It apparently had more time to play catch-up today. It opened millions of entries and comments and even searched the blog unsuccessfully for Alison P, no doubt to see what new accounts she may have there. I let Alison know it, too. I just thought she might find it interesting.

I’m asking folks to vote on whether or not I should bring back the MP3 player to my blog. The first 3 votes will determine what I do. :)

I would have posted earlier but was busy doing this and that and dealing with our crappy connection. It was only bad for a few hours but it sucks that we can’t get decent service no matter what we do. I know it’s going to be this way as long as we live here.

I was thinking of Nane and Irene (what else is new?). The funny thing is that I think I’ve come to like Irene too, LOL. It may not be quite in the way that I like Nane, but I definitely do like her. :))) Only she doesn’t know it. I don’t know who/what it is but she’s listed as being with someone and I don’t want to go through any misunderstandings. It’s easy to misinterpret something someone says online and to think they like you – I mean really like you – when they’re really either just joking or being friendly. Online you can’t see facial expressions, you can’t hear tone, so you’ve got to be careful what you say, though I have a damn good feeling Irene wouldn’t exactly have a heart attack if she knew I’ve come to really like her. Yeah, I have my slew of online crushes and girlfriends, you could say, LOL. It spices things up and makes for a fun and interesting life on top of life’s less pleasant side. But some are also good friends that I really care about and that I don’t see as mere pieces of electronic eye candy.

Despite all the ice cream I had I dropped a few pounds. I just get sick of being a slave to my bladder at certain times of the month while my ass is slave to the toilet seat! Now that I’m working out more I find that I’m hungrier. So instead of eating before working out, I think I’ll eat afterward.

Even though they’re supposed to be nocturnal, the rat’s pretty wound up today. I love this little guy, but sometimes I wish rats weren’t so doglike in that they’re so needy of attention and exercise. I let the ratdog run around twice today. Rats are seriously smart and catch on quickly. I could train him to use the treadmill in just minutes. Maybe I will some time.

Love some of the status updates they have in this new application I came across. Once Tuesday is over, the rest of the week spells W T F? LOL

Now I’m gonna work on my story and wonder just what the hell it is with them and their damn saws around here. Ok, so we live in the woods. But I would think they’d get most of their sawing done in the spring and after the first fall rain, not year-round. It wasn’t Jesse, though. Yesterday it was someone up at the summit and today it was way down in the “canyon.” Maybe tomorrow will be Jesse’s turn. It’s not as annoying as barking or loud music, but it does get somewhat old. Until the heat rolls in and shuts them up. :)

Now my rat is taking pieces of the tissue paper I stuck in a big soda box for him to nest in and shoving them outside his cage. beats head into monitor

TUESDAY, AUGUST 9, 2011 Today I decided my weight should fit my actions, so to speak, and that I should have a reason to be fat if that was what I must be. So I skipped working out and had a big bowl of ice cream. :) I just get sick of dieting and exercising only to not get results. Well, I do get results but that’s just to keep from gaining any more weight. What am I gonna do when I can’t even stop gaining anymore??? I guess then I’ll be having a lot more ice cream!

Andy said he couldn’t read while listening to music so I removed my blog’s MP3 player for now. I didn’t think of that up front, but yeah, some people, including myself, have trouble reading with music or TVs going. It had a pause button but some people may not know that or may find it too much of a pain to always have to pause it for each page they go to. Especially some of my regulars.

The troll’s been Googling my name like crazy. I learned years ago that there’s a person with my name in Ohio and one in Canada and those are just the ones I know about.

Today’s proof, once again, that I live too much in the future as much as the present. Presently I’m enjoying this extra time alone and money. But next week it’s back to the same old rut that could go on for weeks or even months. “Forget next week!” I keep trying to tell myself. “Next week ain’t here yet.”

Yeah, right. I’ll just forget my name and address, too. Maybe even my husband’s and rat’s names.

Not that I expect many people to care, but A Rainbow in Munich has finally reached the beginning of the end so I’m going to go start making it all come together before Jesse gets annoying. He may not, though. I expected him to yesterday being alone and mostly on days, but all I heard was the truck for a couple of minutes, then him leave on the Harley a few hours later. I was actually glad to hear the damn thing for once cuz then I knew he wouldn’t be down to bug me anytime soon.

I’ve seen Irene online but haven’t heard from her. Let me guess… someone said some unpleasant things about me, right? Bet I can guess who, too. Either that or she doesn’t like something I said about Nane despite admitting that Nane can be superficial. I noticed shortly after I added her that her son’s link became unclickable. Like maybe Nane told her how I friended her friends and family and Irene didn’t want me friending her son? She need not have worried, though. Friending kids isn’t my thing!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 7, 2011 I miss Nane and I hope she’ll stop by and say hello, poke me, message me or do something tomorrow since she seems to be on more during the week than on weekends. Not even Irene seems to be around much lately, but oh well. We all have our lives to live. I did see, though, that the drama queen added a birthday countdown on her wall. LOL, is that to remind people not to forget her?

I’m really proud of myself:) I walked not 30 and not 40 but 50 minutes as fast as I could before I was to the point of breaking into a trot! I thought I’d have to resist the urge to take off running, but I didn’t miss it at all. Especially since it’s just too hard on my joints for some reason. I was all set to walk an hour but my knees started acting up by then, especially the outside of my right knee, so I stopped at around 2 miles, 250 burned calories (almost my entire breakfast), and a heartbeat of about 125 beats per minute. I was sweating like crazy. Even my hands were sweaty. The only sucky part is that I don’t think I’m going to lose much weight. I’m just one of those whose bodies don’t respond much to diet and exercise, especially since getting older. But I’d rather be fat and fit than fat and unfit. If there’s anything wrong with my thyroid, I don’t know it and I don’t care to know right now. I have more important things to deal with than my weight so long as it doesn’t get seriously out of hand. I think regular exercise should help stop that, though, even if it doesn’t make me thinner. Although it shouldn’t have since it was just one day, yesterday’s day off with Mint Milano cookies set me back another pound. I’ll know in a few days if it’s water or not.

The cool shower I took afterward felt sooo good and my joints were fine once I got off the treadmill. My feet were a bit sore despite the expensive Ryka running shoes I won a few years ago, but what was strange happened after my shower. I’m very pale and am normally a bit rosy in the cheeks, but my face not only felt hot as hell but it appeared to be sunburned that’s how red it was.

After I dried off I lay naked on the bed in front of the fan for 10 minutes or so which also felt sooo good. Then I got out of my birthday suit and entered sweeps.

Yesterday a Facebook friend I never met that added me way back when and started following my blog, posted a link to a really cool site where they have daily $50 drawings and drawings for a couple of bucks every few hours. You can also win cash, tickets and coins along the way and it seems like a fun way to earn extra money. So I joined through her referral link and then I got Kim into it. The lady I got the link from said she’s been there two years and they don’t spam people. It’s a very simple site to navigate, too.

Another “moving” dream only I didn’t like this one at all. Not when one of the residents in wherever the place was told me it got below 0º there a few times a year.

It’s so nice to have a leisurely day where I can just relax for the most part. :) I needed this. To make it all the better, our connection has been wonderful even if I don’t expect it to last long. My guess is they’ll start their games up with us on Monday.

WTF? It’s around 4:30 yet I hear a large truck idling and I could hear it beeping like it was backing up, too. It sounds like it’s up at Jesse’s but I don’t see any lights or anything, though that’d be hard to see through the trees, and the dogs aren’t going off. He certainly wouldn’t be working on the land at this hour. Could it be an ambulance? They’ve been there a while if it is. As selfish as it may sound I hope whatever it is (it just stopped. Either that or the vehicle is quietly pulling away) doesn’t put us out. We’ve had enough shit on account of other people’s evilness, incompetence (I hear it backing up again, WTF?) and misfortune.

It’s gone now, whatever it was.

After a week off the troll returned to my blog yesterday. Yeah, I knew it would. And it’s gonna play catch up soon enough no doubt. I could tell it didn’t have much time to do so yesterday.

Later…

Not surprisingly, Nane was in my blog, though it was a bit earlier than I expected. I guess she made me a top priority as soon as she got to work, LOL. I made sure to mention her at the top of the first entry I thought she’d see too, assuming she came in when she returned to work. I said I missed her, LOL. I’ll “poke” her tomorrow.

Just thought I’d get in a quick entry before entering sweeps and hitting the treadmill. There’s not much to say, though. Yesterday was hot, dry and quiet. Also, the rat likes to take off my glasses and Miss Teri got me hooked on hummus. I’d never heard of it till after asking her what she eats on a typical day. So I got some garlic-flavored hummus and even the rat’s addicted to it now, LOL.

So other than worrying about a couple of friends of mine and getting a kick out of the rat’s new game of begging for cheese in front of the fridge, alles ist in meiner Welt gut. :)

It is so, so nice not to be in so much pain day after day from that one lousy tooth, and thinking that my ear and other teeth are a problem as well because of it. So yeah, the two weeks of hell I went through truly was worth it in the end to put an end to the misery I endured for years.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 6, 2011 “Tu sei non un cane!” I tried telling the rat, but he still thinks he’s a dog anyway. When I didn’t let him out as soon as he wanted to come out and run around, he started trashing his cage.

Il cazzo ratto!

Anyway, I know I’ve bitched about this before but sometimes I am just so sick and tired of having so much to do. It’s better than being bored, but this is getting to be a bit much. How did my life come to this? The laundry and housework alone seem like so much at times that it’s hard to believe there are just two of us. And when you don’t have the everyday appliances to help you with any of it, it more than doubles the work. But dishwashers and normal, full-sized washers and dryers are nothing we’ll ever have again. So I have to settle for our puny little washer which turns one load into four loads, and then take the time to hang everything. Tom’s kind enough to do the dishes when he’s not working, but still, it’s just so much work keeping this place up as tiny as it is! How did they survive in the 1800s, especially those with kids???

Every time I think I can sit down and relax I remember one more thing I’ve got to do. After 8 hours of tackling laundry, housework, cooking and entering sweeps in between, I thought I could finally relax when I noticed a button popped off one of Tom’s shirts. If he weren’t asleep I’d have screamed. Instead, I decided to sew it back on tomorrow. And I still have my online work to contend with - my journal, my story-writing, my language studies and more.

My life is so full of “not enoughs.” Not enough money, not enough free time, not enough time alone (when he’s not working), not enough Nane.

Either way, I may have one seriously fucked up schedule, but I’m a damn good housewife and proud of it, too. I can’t help but smile and laugh to myself when I think of what a fine wife a certain someone in the East would be missing out on if they ever decided they wanted one. clutches tummy with laughter Sorry, but it’s just too funny! Especially since I know they would rather someone else clean and organize things.

Just after midnight, I went to turn the sound machines off but then found by all the barking I heard that our I-don’t-give-a-shit landlord is still out at whatever bar he’s probably at getting shit-faced. How do so many people manage to stand such racket that only drives me crazy? I have tried and tried but I just can’t get myself to adapt to this one.

I dread the day (but hopefully it won’t come) when he starts complaining about the rent splitting because I don’t know that I can keep my temper in check. I do know that as long as I have to have sound machines on just to get any peace around here for the 6-8 hours he takes off a couple of nights a week, I am not going to feel sorry about splitting the rent, not that it’s our choice anyway. We didn’t choose the hand we were dealt in life. The bastard above did, apparently thinking this is all we deserve despite our willingness to work for something better. But hey, I’ve lived in funny farms, foster homes, jails, and schools that were run like prisons, projects, motels, RV’s, and for 36 hours I got to live on the streets, so what’s a bummy old trailer with shit for space, huh?

The good thing is that they are going to let him work next week too, but he doesn’t know if it will be for the whole week. He’s just filling in for someone who’s on vacation. And if he would stop waking up early that would give me even more alone time, something I’ve come to really value after him being home so damn much of the time, LOL.

Irene sent me a Schutzengel, LOL, on Facebook a few days ago. That’s a guardian angel. She hasn’t been on Facebook lately, and of course Nane probably won’t be back till Monday and she’ll probably ignore me then, too.

The chemo is really taking its toll on poor Alison. She tweeted that she quit chemo, let the cancer kill her, she doesn’t care anymore…

That is just so, so sad. It’s made her so weak she can’t even drive. Although I’ve never gone through what she’s going through I can understand her wanting to quit chemo. I always swore that if I ever got cancer I would do absolutely nothing to fight it and I’ll always stand by this, too. Why make myself sicker than a dog just to maybe be cured? But she’s still fairly young and when we’re younger we tend to be more of a fighter when it comes to things like this. So I think that in the end, she’ll see it through.

I’m up a pound but after recalculating yesterday’s eats I’m certain I didn’t eat too much or too little, so I’m hoping it’s just water. sighs The dam ain’t gonna burst till the 11th. Teri advised me to stay away from foods high in sodium because that’s salt and salt adds to water retention. I was surprised to learn she’s 48 and a grandmother of 4! She also hopes to compete again soon. I still don’t have any desire to compete but I would really love a home gym to make it easier to keep building muscle mass.

Teri plans to be in Hollywood next year with her new husband and would like to meet. Me too, but Hollywood’s quite a ways down there.

I’m quitting running since it’s hard on my joints, but tomorrow I’ll be doing 1 hour of super brisk walking, 300 ab crunches and about 15 minutes of kick-ass arm work using both resistance bands and my own body weight. Sounds scary, huh?

Whether I’m high on both fat and muscle I’m definitely going to stay on this diet because it’s the only one so far where I haven’t had all kinds of random cravings.

We set another record weather-wise since being here last night when it got so chilly that I had to close windows. Never before have we had to close windows in early August. If it weren’t for all I’ve been hearing about global warming I’d never know there was any such thing. Not in this area anyway.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 4, 2011 Tom said I was right and that being all nice and polite got him nowhere with the internet people. But then when he yelled and demanded a refund, they fixed the connection. Although I’m sure the pranks will start up again tomorrow since the bastards have nothing better to do than play with our connection till competition moves into the area, we’ll keep bitching about it. Meanwhile, it’s too bad it’s taken over 17 years for him to get that I wasn’t kidding about the benefits of being a bitch. It’s unfortunate, but “nice” has never worked for me when trying to reason with anyone. Not with neighbors, not with pigs, not with courts, not with anyone. You don’t have to be a monster, but nice is seen as weak, and weak is taken advantage of. So is being naïve to the law like we were 11 years ago. We totally regret everything we said to the pigs and in court back then, but it’s something we’ll just have to live with since we can’t go back and “get it right.” We learned what we now know much too late. First of all, it would have been nice to know what I was really being charged with and not be led to believe something else. Secondly, if my lovely public defender hadn’t withheld valuable info from me, they never would’ve gotten a conviction against me. But I was too trusting and naïve to put two and two together – public defenders work for the state and they are not on your side. It’s a money-making business just like any other and they will try to take advantage of you any way they can. The more people they can get in jail and on probation, the more money the state makes. Of the half a dozen or so people who had a hand in railroading me, some have paid the consequences, some are paying right now, and some have yet to pay. I just don’t know if it will be in this life that they’ll pay. As for how, some of those involved were illegals so that was easy; you just deport the assholes. In other cases, it can sometimes take time for the law to catch up to you if you fall into certain categories that tend to either be overlooked or overprivileged. But karma really does have a way of biting us on the ass sooner or later. I trust in karma a hell of a lot more than I ever have or will trust in God.

Some are paying just by having to live in the fear of what I may or may not do, be it legally or not, and just by simply knowing that I’m still out there. I could be down the street or I could be where I say I am as far as they know. Now I know I wouldn’t harm anyone who wasn’t trying to harm me, but I also know that they don’t know that and that can be punishment enough. But they’re the ones who chose to do what they did and so they’re just going to have to live with my “haunting” existence just like I’m going to have to live with always wanting to kick myself for being naïve to those crazy, barbaric Arizona laws. This doesn’t mean that I don’t live with some intimidation of my own for how do I know they’re not going to hunt me down and shoot me? I don’t know that. Yeah, I’m still out there but so are they.

Maybe part of why I was so obsessed with building up all this muscle is because I didn’t want to look “nice.” I look a little mean and I like looking this way. :) Like I said, no one’s messed with me since I lost that so-called innocent look and became heavy. My arms alone are HUGE. I have to laugh every time I’m out in public with my abs exposed and see people’s jaws drop at the site of the ripples. Hey guys, getting ripped is fun, what can I say? :) Speaking of it, soon I’ll go inflict some more self-torture upon myself and work these abs and arms to the point of fatigue. Screw counting – just work the muscles till they give out. Counting’s for toning, not ripping.

I took yesterday off so I was sure to run today. Well, I ended up walking more than running because I had a pain in my left knee. I was also wrong for the better in saying I had a 35” waist, LOL, when I came across the tape measurer. It’s still 5”- 6” more than I need but I don’t think I can get my weight any lower. Yeah, it’s frustrating working out just to stay 30 pounds overweight, but if I don’t I’ll continue gaining indefinitely. Staying 137 pounds is one thing, but getting into the obese range is another.

I left Nane a message but she ignored me. I know she was on Facebook after I sent the message too, but that’s just Nane for you. You just gotta enjoy her friendship in small bursts. It will be interesting to see if she remembers my birthday at the end of the year.

I also sent a message from my dummy account saying I, Kate, have the same crush on Jodi that Jodi has on you, so would you please unfriend her so I can have a better shot at “winning” her over? I was curious to see if she’d ignore it, and sure enough, she did.

Tom will be working at the end of the year. I saw it in my dreams last night. I just got the message “delivered” to me in a strange way. It was like we were in a regular house or something when I heard weird sounds at the front door. I opened it to find a mailwoman in a wheelchair. She handed me a duffle bag and asked that we fill it with food for the poor at our leisure. I took the bag and then Tom and I began to chat with her. A few minutes later Tom said, “I gotta go to work. Happy New Year.”

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3, 2011 What the hell is it with all these people hacking my sites?! When I got up I went to log into another email account and saw a red banner across the top warning me that someone in Malaysia might’ve accessed my account. Everything appeared to be ok, but I ran and changed the PW there, too. I’m sick of all these fucking hackers coming at me lately!

I need to bump myself up to a newer and more secure browser, but Roboform isn’t compatible with some of the latest stuff, so I’ve been scaled back to the version I’m using.

All I’ve won so far this month is a BBQ set – tongs, spatulas, nothing that great. I’m still hoping for something better soon enough. I sure am getting sick of all the “congratulations” and “notifications” I’ve been getting, though, that have absolutely nothing to do with my winning. :( There’s nothing more frustrating than getting an email saying: Congratulations to the winner!

Then I open it to find: Congratulations to Jane Doe in so and so town/state. I hate it when I’m congratulated on someone else’s win! Like what did I ever have to do with their winning anyway? I enter for me and for me only.

Our connection’s still shitty, of course. They left a message after Tom went to bed yesterday, but when he called all they would say was that they were still working on it. Yeah, right! And I’m still skinny and able to sit on my hair.

Since I don’t want to make a career out of trying to lose weight that wasn’t meant to come off, I decided to just keep the fat but keep fit. And so I’ll only be walking/running every other day. This will be enough to keep me in shape and my joints from acting up.

The “dream people” say we’re moving. I wish to hell I could remember the dream and I highly doubt it meant anything, but I swear I dreamt we moved. I just don’t know where to. Another couple of months and I’ll be wishing I was in the tropics. At least I got to go to the beach in Monday’s dreams. :)

Tom almost never remembers his dreams, but he had this weird dream last night he remembers where everyone lost their thumbs.

It doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to copy this entry from Word and into my blog anytime soon. The connection just won’t hold. Usually, it’s better at night because no one’s there to play with us, but I guess someone must be there now. sighs I probably shouldn’t even bother trying to sweep tonight.

Still no troll. Aw, it disappeared before it could enjoy my new little blog MP3 player.

Got a couple of weird visitors on my tracker, though. Both came from MyOpera and both were interested in the Maricopa posts, but one was in Michigan while the other was in Minnesota.

Nane was in my blog again yesterday. I’m almost positive it’s her because this time I was able to narrow down browsers/times. Few people use IE compared to FF so I’d say it was almost certainly her coming in from work. I wish she’d come in from home more often because then a more detailed tracker would pick her up and I could see where she goes.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 2, 2011 Another day of struggling to lose that one lousy pound I gained on my “day off,” and another day of not being able to get online half the time. And when we do our connection is slow as hell. Every day we call and every day they continue to get a kick out of “pranking” our service. Yesterday they left Tom on hold ignoring him completely. Then when he went to research other means of contacting them, he found that AT&T has absolutely no numbers or email addresses online whatsoever – WTF?

So along with complaining to the FCC, he came up with a couple of ideas. One was to call them as a new customer in hopes of finding out how to contact the “real” customer service, and maybe going to yell at them in person. I’m getting so fucking fed up I’d like to do a lot more than just yell at them!

The connection was out when Tom got in at 3:30 and was still out when I got up an hour and a half later. He put in our daily service call and while he was able to get a $70 discount this time and was told they were working here in town, they never called back like they said they would and our connection is still horrible. It was back on right after I awoke, but it’s still cutting in and out and is horribly slow. Every 2-3 times I go to post an entry I have to wait a while till the connection can hold long enough to do it.

People have taken me to court in my life. Sometimes I deserved it, sometimes I didn’t. But even when it was suggested that I counter-complain, I refused to do so. I either just didn’t want the hassle, didn’t want to stoop to their level, or I feared it could come back to me somehow in a bad way. But that was then and this is now. In other words, if you give me a reason to, I’m going after you. You can count on it. :) So if I can ever find a way to file suit on these incompetent, pranking bastards at AT&T I won’t hesitate and neither will my husband!

I don’t know what to think anymore. On the one hand, we’ve been stuck here for years with seemingly no way out. I also get the feeling something’s using us for Jesse’s benefit. He’s having a tough time of it as well even if it’s not nearly as bad as we’ve had it, and there’s no way he could re-rent this place that fast partly due to the economy and partly because most people don’t want to live in a secluded spot in the woods. Any time we step out there, well, we just might come face to face with a bear. But people can’t shut up and that’s why we’re out here.

On the other hand, I’d say it’s safe to say that something up there wouldn’t hesitate to jump at the chance to drive us back into the city. Circumstances have forced us back to the city 3-4 times in the past. Every time we thought we escaped it for good starting in 1999, we got dragged back into it. Well, this place may not be perfect, but I’d rather be here than back with the welfare bums and other degenerates in some scummy apartment complex I couldn’t even hear myself think in just to get reliable service. But if this continues to get worse we’ll have no choice but to move. We stand to lose too much money and other things by not having internet access and we’ve come too far to simply disconnect our online lives and call that part of our lives a closed chapter because AT&T doesn’t feel like giving us service until something or someone forces them to.

I hope they’ll let me sweep tonight! I’ve been sweeping late at night whenever possible figuring they’re less likely to fuck with the connection when no one’s around.

My miraculous diet ain’t so miraculous anymore, and I just have to accept the fact that there’s a good chance I may not lose any more weight no matter how much I work out and no matter how little I eat. I don’t know if my body feels it needs the extra weight or what, but I do know one thing. I used to think those who would claim their bodies wouldn’t respond to diet and exercise was just a poor excuse and that they didn’t want to admit for some reason that they’d rather just eat and stay heavy. But my own body has stopped responding to diet and exercise so maybe some people really can’t lose weight or there just comes a point in our lives where we’re no longer able to. Why not? There comes a point when we’re no longer able to build muscle. I just hope I don’t go back to gaining consistently. In order to hopefully combat that I’ll keep dieting and exercising even if my weight/inches never go down anymore. Tom says I’m losing at a normal pace but no, I’m not. If you diet and exercise you should lose 2 pounds a week. I should be coming down to 134 pounds by the end of the week, not struggling to get back to 136 pounds. That’s ok, though. I don’t mind being fat so long as I don’t get any fatter cuz then it will hinder my movements. Being a big girl keeps me safer from anyone who might get it in mind to mess with me since most people associate size with toughness, like it or not. I have never been threatened or harassed since becoming full-figured. I never got taller, of course, but my waist has got to be something like 35” if I had to take a wild guess. I’m a size medium for the most part.

I added this really cool gadget to my blog that made me sorry for a minute there that some people don’t like coming to Blogger thanks to the spies out there. You’re safe coming to my blog, but if you don’t like the possibility of being tracked, then I highly advise you not to visit other Blogs. Most trackers can only see your general area, but sometimes they hit it right on the money and land right smack on your rooftop. The instant you access a site that’s plugged into one of these things it will see you.

The cool gadget I added is an MP3 player that randomly selects songs from its song list and starts playing as soon as my blog is accessed. I’ve only got a few on it right now, and if AT&T will let me I’ll load more songs later. I got the idea after seeing that Tumblr allows audio posts where you can upload one MP3 file a day. It got me wondering if Blogger had a way of adding that to its Blogs and so I researched it by putting in Blogger and MP3 player as keywords and found step-by-step instructions on how to install one there. It seemed to take forever to start when I had it at the bottom of the blog, so I tweaked the HTML coding a bit and placed it at the top after having started with fresh script. It loads pretty fast that way though it also depends on one’s connection.

When I was browsing through some of my old entries I was like – WTF? Why are some of the pictures not what they’re supposed to be? Where there were supposed to be flowers I’d have cats, and where there were supposed to be angels I’d have palm trees or something. Then it hit me that of all my blog pics, some have the same name. So it would choose at random from whatever file with that name it felt like choosing from. Because of this, I spent the last few days renaming them so they all have unique names.

No troll views since Alison sent me that email saying she shut down her nasty little WP Blogs and picked up on Tumblr without bashing anyone. So far she’s only written about the usual things going on in her life, she told me. Her weight, her niece, K-Mart. So she’s been scared off if only for a little while.

MONDAY, AUGUST 1, 2011 Tomorrow’s the big day for Tom! It’s just hard to get all that excited when you know it’s not going to last long. I just hope it will lead to other jobs even if they too, are only for a week or two. He thinks it will. Hope he’s right because my track record for having bad vibes/dreams come true is too accurate for comfort. In my dreams, I didn’t see him getting anything permanent till September, but “permanent” for him has become a few months.

I was right when I said the last cooler pump was no good. I’m right when I say it won’t stop overflowing. And sadly, I was right when I said our shithead providers would fuck with the lines again even though they acknowledged the problem was on their end and it seemed to be completely fixed when they were out here. I just didn’t think they’d go back to playing games with us this fast. I was totally dismayed when it cut out on me late last night. I really thought they’d give us more than just a couple of days before they messed with us again. But each time does seem to get shorter. I guess they think it’s really fucking funny. Tom says they’re just incompetent, but I know it’s not just that. I really believe someone’s playing games and I doubt it’s just us they’re fucking with. Until competition comes to the area, some people just get off on pranks like that. I should know. I was once a prankster myself. Unfortunately, though, what they’re doing is perfectly legal.

Tom said it cut out on him like 30 times today while I slept and he called and let them have it. Ever since then, they’ve left us alone, though our speed is slower. The harassment usually stops for a few hours to a few days after we call them, so I guess we’re going to have to make a career out of calling them every day in order to get the regular service that we pay for since I can’t think of any lawsuits that can be filed against them to force them to do their job. Like I said, the only thing that will do that is competition. Right now they know that the people in this area either have to deal with their shit or move. And moving certainly isn’t as easy as changing providers. I worry about the day we can’t get online at all and we can’t afford to move. So much of our life revolves around the internet these days and there’s only so much we can do on the cell. We haven’t been able to move since we’ve been here so why would we be able to anytime soon? And where would we go but back to the city which I would totally hate? I haven’t had any vibes of us having no service at all, but I sure do have a lot of dreams that seem to take place in apartments. Having to live in one again would be quite a nightmare for someone that’s not only a light sleeper but that is easily distracted and hates to listen to other people’s noise. Here we just hear Jesse’s dogs and sometimes his vehicles. In an apartment, the list of sound sources is endless. I really hope God could never hate us enough to make our only choice in life to be a wall away from others with the way people are so wild and inconsiderate and getting worse and worse each year. I can’t even stand to eat in a restaurant anymore. Even expensive places like Red Lobster is a circus with the way people take screaming kids along that they won’t even try to teach any manners or discipline to. You can’t enjoy yourself and eat in peace. Not even libraries are quiet anymore.

Anyway, the number of grim predictions doesn’t exactly put me in a great frame of mind. I would normally be so thrilled to be so “gifted” and would be amazed that I could do such a thing, but not in these circumstances. If I’ve been right about so many things, I asked Tom, then why would I be wrong about us always struggling, especially when we’re old? He said we’ll probably be better off when he retires than we are now since he’s worked so much in his life.

He has made great money before so maybe, just maybe, he’ll one day get to do it again and for more than just a few weeks or months. Unless I win super big. My chances of that will be better over the next couple of days. Since the last and first day of the month is when most sweeps expire, your chances of winning go up. I know they snagged my name even though I haven’t had any win dreams. The influencer has made sure of that! But did she win something good? Guess we’ll find out soon enough!

Andy said his guardian angel who works for God (not sure I trust anything working for God) said that I would have a horrible 4-week cold from mid-January to mid-February of next year. One so bad that would fuck with my asthma and make me want to kill myself. But do NOT commit suicide because I will be blessed with something good in April of 2012. He just doesn’t know what it is. I just have to live to receive it.

LOL, I’m about 99% immune to colds thanks to the spells I’ve done. I’ve only had 3-4 minor colds since 1997 when I quit smoking. This doesn’t mean something else bad won’t happen, though. We’ll just have to see.

Now I’m up to 5 sample book downloads but still no buys. I’m almost tempted to just pull my books off of both Kindle and Smashwords. sighs Not meant to be this, not meant to be that – what am I meant to be??? A professional failure?

I think taking a day off to eat anything I wanted was a mistake. It set me back almost a pound, and as slow as I am at losing weight, that set me back about a week. So now I have to spend the next week undoing what I did in a day. Also, 30 minutes on the treadmill seems to be a bit much for me for some reason, and I can’t keep running at 4 or more MPH for more than a few minutes at a time. What is wrong with me and why am I having PMS symptoms so early in my cycle??? My period isn’t due till the 11th. I shouldn’t be starting to get sore backs, fatigue, water retention, and blah moods till around the 6th, right?

Got an email from Alison, and this goes to show how naïve and not-so-bright Kim is. Well, Aly confessed to her that her work sometimes has her having to deal with the FBI. She said Kim was surprised but I wasn’t the least bit surprised. She works for the military after all. She also said there are ways of looking at things that have been deleted like the blogs Molly deleted where she wrote all kinds of nasty shit about us. I knew this, too.

Anyway, I guess Alison is looking into what can be done about Molly. Her mother’s been harassing her on Facebook too, trying to get her to “work things out” and insisting that her darling daughter is doing nothing wrong. But since then Aly’s changed accounts and Molly’s dumped her WP blog for a blog on Tumblr which doesn’t mention any of us. She said she’d like to think she’s finally been scared into backing off since Alison’s threatened legal action even though she really couldn’t afford it nor is she healthy enough to deal with it so she said, but we also know that moments of peace from the fucking troll are few and far between.

I asked her if in her opinion she thought I could get in trouble for sending my blog entries to my ex-perp down in Arizona via auto-send. I don’t think I could since it’s a service Blogger offers that allows entries to be sent to up to 10 email addresses, and it’s not like I’m trying to sell anything. Furthermore, she could just mark it as spam if she weren’t interested, though I know she’s read the few I sent a while back. If she picked up the cards I sent, why not read this too? Plus, she came to my blog through one of the emailed entries on the 21st. I know she’s not just curious or interested in me or my life and that she’s just hoping for something she can get me with, but I just want to be sure I’m not doing anything wrong. After all, I never would have thought one could get in trouble for a letter, whether they wrote it or not, and even though the mail is a service offered by the post office. I’m not even mentioning her first name, let alone last name, or saying anything threatening, but I will admit it does amuse me to know she reads these things and spends so much time combing for “evidence” and itching to utilize that hateful, vengeful side of her.

It’s not that I fear being thrown in jail again or anything like that. I would never let her or anyone else legally screw me like that again. I would also never answer any court calls and instead, I would treat the courts and pigs like I would treat any old civilian. If I wouldn’t listen to Joe Shmoe down the street or Jane Doe in the next town telling me I need to report to court or to any other place, why should I give the courts any more respect than I would give them? So unless the pigs literally kicked their way in here and dragged me to jail (and believe me when I say I would NOT go out as peacefully as I did in Arizona), then it’s not courts or jails I’m worried about. I just don’t want to have Tom stressed out by any subpoenas or for us to know I have a failure-to-appear warrant out for my arrest. I know most people would say that the simplest, safest solution would be to never contact her again by any means or send her anything directly or not, but you know what I’d say to that? Become a victim yourself and see if it’s that easy!

Later…

Another day of being tired. sighs But this time it’s due to not sleeping well and not just PMS. I don’t sleep well when Tom’s not here because I’m stressing that Jesse may come down. Tom said there were no tracks when he got home but still, I’m stressing when he is bugging me and when he’s not I’m stressing that he’s going to. One of the biggest things I miss about owning is not having to deal with pesky landlords or having to share the property. But we’ll never own again so I just gotta live with it.

When Tom called to let Jesse know the rent was split like it usually is when he’s out of work, he said he sounded bummed at first but then was encouraged when he told him about the job even though it’s almost certainly going to be for just a week since that’s when the guy’s due back from the hospital that he’s filling in for. Either way, I have zero sympathy for Jesse T. First of all, it’s not our fault we have to split the rent. He also has a big beautiful house, many vehicles, and so much more than we’ll ever have. I’ll be quick to remind him of that and the racket he leaves us with on weekends if he gets to complaining and losing that I-understand and times-are-tough attitude. And if he really wants to piss me off I’ll be happy to beat his ass (no, his having 1 foot and 100 pounds on me will not stop me), and then I’ll shove one of his dogs down his throat and the other up his ass!

Anyway, Tom’s job was measuring electronic parts. He said the people were nice, but only suspects he’s got like a 1 in 100 chance of being hired on since they seem to have a set amount of regular workers.

Tom checked the log when he got home and found our connection cut out 42 times before I got up at 2 pm! 42 fucking times!

“Now do you believe this is deliberate?” I asked him.

“No, I think that every time they come out and work on someone else’s line around here they screw ours up.”

That may be so, but I still think it’s deliberate with the way it happens all the time. It’s been too many months to keep track of that we’ve had reliable service and I’m really starting to think we’re going to be forced to move into some dump that makes the noisiest times here seem like it’s quite comatose just so we can have a reliable connection.

I’d really like to know who the hell compromised one of my email addresses yet again on the 12th of last month. When I went to a PW check site, it told me how many times it was compromised and when the last time was, but not at which site. There was suspicious activity on one of my email sites so I changed the PW to a unique one. I make sure to change the ones involving money or anything important regularly enough, so I’m not too worried about it as far as them taking over accounts that aren’t important to me. Especially since I know that as soon as the site crew catches on they’ll put a stop to it. Still, I’m curious as to who the little fuck is, where they’re compromising me, and for what reason.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to be able to lose much more weight no matter what I do, but that’s ok. I don’t mind staying fat so long as I keep in shape, so I’m not going to stop dieting and exercising. I just don’t get why I spend half the month watered down when I should only be watery about a week before periods.

I haven’t had any palpitations in quite a while. What does this mean? That I’ve quit menopausing?

Nane poked me earlier and is already gearing up for her next run to Turkey. “Noch 47 Tage!” she said on her wall, LOL.

Irene messaged me saying she was busy at work.

Jesus, this is getting bad! Now our provider won’t even talk to us! They left poor Tom on hold forever and he’s trying to find a way to contact them online but can’t find anything.

Who the hell’s gonna give us another place to live while we’re on Unemployment even if it’s the cheapest, oldest dive in the slums???

[starjxsung]

hi hi star! how are you?

i am also an avid sunscreen supporter, i wear it everyday bc im also sooo terrified of sun exposure😭

i saw deadpool & wolverine today and i really enjoyed it! i was so obsessed with deadpool and x-men when i was like 16 that this movie feels like a fanfic from my teenaged brain.

aaaaaand the baby was born today <3 thankfully, everything in the delivery went okay and he’s all good <3 we couldn’t see him bc visiting hours were over when he was born </3 so we’ll just go tomorrow.

and the pulls <333 jilix is really slay and also exclusive hanji!! hardcore manifesting kitty lix for you next!!

i’m so obsessed with hanji pcs. they’re everything. they just hit different. they’re perfect fr. i hope i get at least one and one or two linos😪 i usually have good luck with pulling them but lately it’s been a lot of chan (and im not complaining bc i love them all but i need at least one of my main biases🤞🏻)

manifesting your lolla hanji nda era <3 pls introduce them to me once u have it. my personality may be better than my looks </3

i’m getting to chicago on tuesday and it just hit me that i haven’t got anything ready (:

and i have some good news! my practicum center called me and said that a space opened up so they’ll be having me after all! (but i haven’t done any of my paperwork or anything that i need for it and i can’t do it until im back from chicago and classes start on august 13. freaking out rn. but but hoping for my nda era first🤞🏻

anyways i love you so much bb <3 i hope all is soooo good <3 take care!!

-🐈‍⬛

BAEEEEEE <3

Oh my god the sunburn on my SHOULDER…… is peeling and it looks fucking disgusting HELP MEEEEE 💔💔💔💔 I haven’t had a peeling sunburn in literal years like this is so uncharacteristic of me 💔💔 I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face for not wearing sunscreen WHATTTT was I thinking

AHHH I heard skz were only in the credits or something?? I’ve never been into marvel very much so I never have any clue what’s going on in the mcu LMAO but I’m so glad you enjoyed !! The only movie I saw in theaters recently was long legs and that was a fucking trip

AHHHH I’m so glad he was born and everything went smoothly!!! Congrats to the new mommy !! 🥹🫶 I hope you guys were able to stop by during visiting hours! Is mom home from the hospital yet? That is so so so exciting ahhh I hope she enjoys these early days of being a mommy! Hearing a baby was born always makes me instinctively want to cry 🥹🫶💞💗

About 10 albums in now and sadly no kitty lix 💔 I DID snag a few of their pobs at my local kpop store and I might try for like ONE more…. But I’ve honestly lost all hope of kitty lix 💔 the pcs this era are GOOOOD tho I’m really happy with all my pulls !! I hosted a little trading event at my apartment today and my friend came thru with a few hanji ones, I’m so grateful frfr ahhh my hanji binder is really filling up 🫶 my sister’s had NO luck pulling Channie this era! We’re like Seungmin/Changbin magnets this time around so it’s been a lot of dupes 😭 but still really good pcs and I have a lot to trade !!

Bestie I am also getting to Chicago on Tuesday and I still haven’t gotten anything ready 😍🫶 I’m gonna be last-minute packing tomorrow night fr it’s gonna be BADDDD

ALSO YESSSSSS OH MY GOD I’m so glad your practicum called !!!!! That’s fucking amazing !!!!!!! It’s such a convenient time too bc at least you won’t have to be hoping they call during lolla or something !! Manifesting you’re able to do the paperwork super fast when you’re back from Lolla and that everything falls into place but RAHHH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUUUU I cant wait to hear all about it !! 💗💞💓

I hope you’re doing so good pookie I love u !!!! Chicago on Tuesday LIKE CAN YOU BELIEVE………

(Also here are my hanji pulls/orders from this week) ily ily 🫶

[kat-holden]

A sad love story in messages part 3

17 July 2016

A: Hey.

                N: Oh, since when you have IM again?

A: I needed it for bit. Probably going to erase it.

                N: So why text me?

A: Just to check on you.

                N: Well I’ve been doing well. I am really enjoying the night life here.

A: Oh so you are having fun then. Glad.

                N: How have you been? Anything new and exciting.

A: No I am alone. No friends. Depressed. The usual

                N: I’m sorry to hear that. You can share if you want.

A: Well…where do I start? I can’t find a girlfriend. All of them just want to be my friends.

                N: I get it. I’m the same, but they all want is sex. Not mad tbh.

A: At least you get some action.

                N: Well yes, but I think it’s the same. We are both looking for meaningful connections and can’t find any.

A: I never find meaningful connections.

                N: Never? Ouch

A: Sorry…are you busy?

                N: No, not really.

A: Want to watch something?

                N: Sure, I am a bit high but I can focus enough.

A: Sigh

A: …

                N: Nvm, let’s watch.

28  July 2016

N: So, what are we doing?

                A: What do you mean?

N: Are we at it again?

                A: We are just having fun. When were you planning to come over? N: I am organizing my trip. But…is it a thing again?

                A: I don’t know. No?

N: Right…just fun.

A: Just fun.

6 Aug  2016

A: Let’s go to the sea side!

                N: Oh I thought you’d never ask! :)

A: I’ll make my way to the capital and then we can hitch hike to the seaside.

                N: Fuck…my tent is shit. Share yours?

A: Sure.

                N: I’ll pack my backpack.

12 Aug  2016

N: Oh I needed that trip! Was awesome.

                A: It was fun.

10 Sep 2016

N: So, you coming any time soon. There are really nice places I want to take you to.

                A: I don’t think I can. Broke.

N: Tbh I am as well…

                A: You have a stable job.

N: They don’t pay much. Had to pay bills and rent and it’s gone.

                A: I got an apartment.

N: What?! And you didn’t tell me!

                A: Yeah all of my money go there now.

N: Awesome! How is it?

                A: I have to do everything on my own.

N: Send me pictures?

                A: Sure

15 Sep  2016

N: How’s the renovation going?

                A: Shit, but it’s going. Fixed most of it. Putting up my furniture.

N: Come oooon you know I want to see it.

                A: Give me a sec…

N: Oh the balcony looks nice. Good job on it.

                A: Yes and here’s my other stuff.

N: I’ll come over to see it soon.

                A: Just say when.

15 Oct  2016

A: I got new furniture.

                N: Oh damn, it’s getting really nice. Don’t remember those from last time.

A: Yes, I got them yesterday.

                N: Well now you have an actual bed. Hahah last time you didn’t.

A: Oh right. We slept on the floor.

                N: Wasn’t that bad…

A: You can visit again and see it.

                N: Might as well do that. I have a train leaving tomorrow.

A: Text when you arrive.

16 Dec 2016

N: So should we like talk? We’ve been hanging out a lot.

                A: Talk? About what?

N: You do like to avoid serious topics…

                A: What am I avoiding now?

N: Well it was just an observation from the last 11 years.

                A: I have trouble with commitment.

N: You are way too…changeable.

                A: What is the problem? We just meet and have fun. Simple.

N: But it can be simple and well more committed. We are older than before.

                A: …we were in a relationship, several times and they did end badly.

N: Because you ran away.

                A: Because we were fighting about dumb shit.

N: That’s not the only reason.

                A: Well now we are not fighting and it’s good.

N: Yes, because you are not committing to anything. How can I be sure you will not wake up with something different in your head and lose you again?

                A: You know you will never lose me.

N: Can’t be sure. Happens too often.

                A: I promise.

N: …

                A: You know the situation. I had no money and still traveled every week. Not a lot of people would do that for you.

N: Didn’t you do it because you wanted to?

                A: I have to work.

N: Of course. Serious topics scare you off. I’ll go to bed.

10 Jan 2017 10:15

N: So what’s the plan? Should I plan another trip?

N: Hello?

15 Jan 2017 17:05

N: Hmm…busy again? I’ll check on you later.

22 Jan 2017 19:00

N: Where are you again? It’s been few days now.

N: I am starting to worry.

29 Jan 2017 21:20

N: Please just text me you are okay.

3 Feb 2017 9:00

N: You are doing it again. Sigh…just tell me.

10 Feb 2017 14:23 N: You promised…you fucking promised.

17 Feb 2017 23:30

N: Goodbye Alex.

User blocked you, again.

[ywpd-translations]

Ride 678: Summer's Kumotarou 3

Pag 2

1: Kanzaki-san is making a very surprised face

2: She's looking behind me

And she's surprised

3: I wonder who's behind me.....

4: There is a shadow....

Pag 3

3: Hair fluttering in the wind....

4: A shadown that I've seen....

that I know really well

5: I recognize it!!

7: His breathing....

Pag 4

1: I can hear it right behind me

Yo, Onoda

3: A voice I've heard before

The voice calling me

4: The voice that's calling me, this voice is....

Pag 5

1: It's Makishima-san!!

Pag 7

4: Makishima-san!!

He's here!! Huh!? How!?

5: My heart is throbbing

It's throbbing

6: Kuha....!! Don't look at me with such honest eyes, sho

….ah

Ah!!

Pag 8

1: Uhm.....

Ah....

What shoudl I say? I don't know

2: He's here, he's here before my eyes

Ah-

I don't know

3: But, I have to say something.....!!

4: Please don't disappear!!

Makishima-san!!

Huh?

6: What's going on, Manager

Why isn't Onoda here yet?

Pag 9

1: Don't worry, sho

Teleportation.... I have no such power

I won't disappear, sho

3: It's Makishima-san!! He showed up 'cause you called him!!

No, I didn't do anything

4: Then how!!

I don't know!! Why do you keep asking me the reason for everything!?

5: He came back

8: To meet Onoda

Pag 10

1: Onoda

2: Yes!!

3: Nice answer....

5: Was the race difficult?

Ah....

6: Was is hard?

Yes

7: Did you run with everything you had?

Yes!!

Pag 11

1: Yeah.... there's no way you didn't run with everything you had

3: Seeing you run from up close gave me chills

5: I was so excited during the award ceremony

9: …... ah

Pag 12

2: You did well

Pag 13

1: You worked hard, Sakamichi

Pag 14

2: Sakamichi....!

3: ….. ah

4: Did you have fun?

Pag 15

2: So many things happened....

Not only this race.... during this last year.....

3: So many thing happened, but....

But still, yes

Everyone supported me, and we got so far together....

5: I had fun!!

Pag 16

1: Oop-

4: Makishima-san!!

Senpai!!

You came back!

Tadokoro-san is here too

Makishima-san!!

5: Is everything alright with your flight!?

Huh!? Ah, well.....

I put it of... sho....

Gahaha!

Pag 17

2: Kuha

3: Yeah, now

4: I have no regrets, sho

6: Ah, right, let me show you the flowers....

Sho?

The flowers they gave me during the award ceremony... uhm, where were they, Koga-san?

In a luggage in the back...

Please take it out, Koga-san!!

Now!?

Pag 18

3: It really was a summer we won't forget!!

4: Waaa, since when are you here, Naruko!!

Since Onoda was looking at that Kumo Saburo and remembering about that day, I think

“Kumotarou”, you mean?

Don't interrupt people's memories!!

Pag 19

1: They're my memories too, idiot!

It's insensitive!! Why are you in our classroom, in the first place!!

I forgot my classics textbook so I came here to borrow it!!

2: I won't give it to you!!

It's alright, Onoda-kun will lend it to me

Yeah, it's okay

Dammit!!

4: This really made me happy, too....

5: The Kumo Saburou, huh?

6: Hmph

That's the wrong name, Naruko

Pag 20

1: Ah, right, Onoda

2: This.... it's that “something something”, I found it in a supermarket in England

3: I got it for you

Something? Some....?

5: This is the movie version of the anime Mogumogurinko, “Rinko's romantic trip in the soil of England”, it was only on sale in England

Its', Kumotarou Union Jack Version, Kumo Nyoro Friends!!

Huh? What?

Pag 21

1: There are so few of these that it's treated as a dream, it's not even available via mail order

It's a very locally limited product, there's even an anecdote saying that stronger people went to England and completed the set

I have no idea what you're saying, sho

2: He even has a Union Jack on his head! Actually in the movie it's only in one cut, but it was made into a three-dimensional figure in response to fans' request

Anyway.... it's rare... sho, that's good

3: I can't accept something so amazing!!

No, accept it, sho, even if I take it back I don't know what to do with it

4: Take it!!

5: Yes!!

Thank you so much for your kind smile!!

6: Ahhhhh

I'm so glad

Wait- gentle smile?

7: Oh, you found it in a supermarket, Makishima-san?

Yeah... I saw that you always put it on your bag, so I got it for you....

Waaaa, really?

7: There are pictures, sho

I'll look at them!!

Pag 22

1: Pfu

2: Heave-ho!

3: I have to put this in order little by little

Once winter passes and spring comes

4: New first years will arrive

5: And we'll be “third years”!!

[akindofmagictoo]

@copper-dragon-in-disguise​ @ashen-crest​ @isherwoodj some details! (Ish, you’ve heard some of these already, but I’ll expand on them too.

because this is public on the internet, TW for murder, family violence (very literal), cult activity, human sacrifice, and mentions of mutilation. and this isn’t a trigger warning, but the campaign is Waterdeep: Dragon Heist so i guess there might be spoilers?

characterisation/personality:

Iphigenia is an aasimar, adopted by a human noble family. she’s calm and levelheaded, the voice of reason in the party (and the most lawful), and above all kind and good-hearted. noble, yes, but has never considered herself above anyone else. quiet and introverted, but a competent networker and aspiring politician (probably). quietly charming and very polite, good at reading people, and good at influencing them when she needs to be. (stats wise: 20 CHA, 16 INT, 16 WIS). in theory, unbothered by people keeping secrets (the fighter, her best friend, has several, but Iphigenia has never thought it important to ask). likes to do embroidery in her spare time, and loves her family. oh yes, and she’s literally nineteen years old.

amusingly, I have raised my voice in RP exactly once: it wasn’t to complain about the bard who kept getting knocked unconscious and needed healing, it was to yell at the fighter for antagonising and tripping up the guy we had been asking for information and who we really did NOT need going back to his boss and badmouthing us. which he didn’t do, but he did set his retinue of thugs on us in the street, hence the bard keeping getting knocked unconscious.

backstory and New Trauma:

a couple days before the campaign, Iphigenia was murdered by her adoptive father, who was attempting to summon a devil. the summoning circle rerouted and summoned Iphigenia’s (celestial) mother instead; she resurrected Iphigenia and also granted her warlock powers. cool. (Iphigenia still has the scars though: a slit throat and a bunch of glyphs carved into her arms that boil down to the equivalent of a ‘to/from’ label on a Christmas present)

(Iphigenia’s father might also have murdered her older brother, but this is very unclear. he [the brother] disappeared three years ago, and both in and out of character I am Concerned)

as part of the campaign, the party were asked to investigate a ten year old cold case. Lord Yellowcrest, who had previously had dealings with Iphigenia’s father but shortly prior had fallen out with him, came home to find his entire family murdered. we had a diary with a ghost that suggested Yellowcrest had also been up to some sort of Contact Other Plane spell. not sus at all. he later fled the city.

so we tracked down Yellowcrest and discovered he was very much into demonic rituals. he showed us two dead bodies (also mutilated with glyphs, though different ones) and a ritual circle he was working on. Iphigenia had to be removed from the room when the sight of his bloody knife sent her spiralling into a panic attack that I’m surprised didn’t come earlier. the characters who remained in the room also confirmed he did, in fact, murder his whole family. (and he’s not sorry)

so Iphigenia has had one HELL of a week and is about to have a nervous breakdown of some variety. up to this point she has been maintaining some semblance of emotional stability, except when a panic attack is triggered or she has to talk about what happened. I think on some level, based on how I’ve been playing her, she’s been repressing it and/or it hasn’t fully sunk in.

the problem:

I cannot keep playing Iphigenia as “the same as before, but with more panic attacks”. I don’t think that’s fitting. but I do also need her to be functional as a character in the long term, even if she can have a little nervous breakdown in the short term (as a treat). I have some thoughts about how to do this mechanically, but the broader problem is roleplay — psychological and behaviour, not just mechanics. 

some possible mechanics [largely drawn from the DMG Long-Term Madness table and an alternate version found on Reddit]. I intend to pick one, maybe two tops.

1) some sort of compulsion (repeated handwashing is most likely, for a sort of reverse Lady Macbeth)

2) character becomes attached to a lucky charm and suffers disadvantage on everything while over 30ft away. the lucky charm would be our fighter, but we don’t split up that much anyway?

3) character develops a tremor, inflicting a -1 penalty to relevant Strength and Dex checks. I have lowkey been describing Iphigenia having one anyway, due to forearm muscle damage.

4) unreliable sleep — roll a die every long rest, and on a 1, you can’t get a rest because of nightmares.

5) the acquisition of an additional character flaw — the Indefinite Madness table and the Haunted One background were my main sources for this, but I’m yet to find one that makes sense.

I have also discussed with my DM properly codifying a panic attack mechanic, not just rolling a die and otherwise winging it.

but none of this is properly psychological? I don’t really know what’s going on in Iphigenia’s head or how this might change her as a person, except that whatever’s going on in her head is BAD.

this has been Poor Traumatised Warlock. I love me a good angsty backstory but I might have outdone myself with Iphigenia. it’s fine, she’s fine.

my DM has very thoroughly retraumatised my character. and everyone else’s. I’m pleased about this, but I also have no idea where to begin playing my poor warlock next session. anyone want to help me figure how to break my character? (while also keeping her playable lol)

[lottiebagleywritesobx]

Girls like you

THE POOL

JJ Maybank wasn't really sure why the Y/L/N family had hired him to clean out their pool when summer started. They seemed to like him around the hotel when they went for meals but he wasn't exactly qualified, he wasn't complaining though, they tip well and it couldn't be that hard.

His only problem was Y/N.

They never got on well. She was friends with Kie in her kook year, who even went as far as to dub her 'the only kook who doesn't make me want to gauge my eyes out', so she knew the pogues from around although they'd grown apart the girls shared no bad blood and always stopped to catch up when they saw each other around.

He was in the middle of raking the leaves from the large pool when he saw her. She was crossing the garden from the large mansion, clad in a bikini with sunglasses perched on the end of her nose. JJ hates how good she looks, her curves perfectly on display and a confident aura around her.

She's got headphones in, he notices as she saunters closer.

"Hi princess," He smirks, watching as she rolls her eyes

"I'm not your princess. How long are you gonna be?" She questions, settling onto one of the sun loungers next to the pool

"An hour or so," JJ states

"Well, could you do it quietly I'm hungover and I wanna just relax," She states, slipping the second headphone back into her ear before he can reply.

He cleans, unaware of her watching him from behind the glasses as she sips on her bottle of cold water. She would never tell anyone but watching him work, his muscles tensing and untensing under his vest shirt, a light sweat from the hot summer day on his skin, she couldn't help herself from thinking he looked good.

He would definitely admit to John B that he thought she looked fit. Her breasts spilling out of her bikini top a little and the barely there thong bottom's high cut making her legs look excruciatingly long. He'd probably make some crude jokes about hate sex being way more fun. He wouldn't admit though, to finding something very comforting about her presence, and finding the way she hummed along to whatever she was listening too adorable.

It's a further 40 minutes, JJ is trying to work out how to get the pool vaccuum to turn on, when her phone rings loudly.

"Hey Sare," Her voice speaks. JJ figures quickly it's Sarah Cameron, the pair are practically inseparable and the whole island knows it.

He half listens to her side of the conversation, more out of boredom than interest.

"No, babes, I love you and all but I really don't wanna. The last million times I've seen Rafe he's been so weird and creepy and I don't wanna be alone with him,"

JJ doesn't know why the comment angers him so much. Why does he even care if Rafe is clearly trying to pull her? It's none of his business. Yet, he can feel his blood boiling at the thought.

"No Sar, if I go and you have to stay with me then you can't go and be with Topper,"

She's silent for a few minutes before sighing "Fine. Fine, I'll come. See you in a minute. Bring me some shorts, I'm in the garden and can't be arsed to go upstairs and find some. You owe me forever,"

JJ wants to scream. Wants to tell her she shouldn't go if she feels uncomfortable around Kelce. He wishes Kie were here, maybe she could talk her into staying where she felt safe.  Maybe she would be able to explain why JJ even gives a shit.

"Maybank," She states, he looks up, trying to act like he hasn't been listening. "I'm going out. You'll be the only one here," She informs

"Okay," He nods.

"My keys are on the kitchen counter, lock up when you're done and I'll just grab them from you at the hotel,"

"All right," He agrees

"When will you be there?" She questions, looking at him like he's an idiot. He groans internally, obviously she needed to know that.

"Tomorrow, 2 until closing,"

'"I'll swing by around 4," She informs. He nods, trying not to stare at her as she lets her hair down from the ponytail it had been in, shaking it out. A car honks outside and she turns, walking up the garden towards the side gates, turning a few metres away,

"Oh, there's an envelope on the kitchen counter with your tip in," She adds

"Thanks. Goodbye princess," He smiles,

"Still not your princess," she shouts back, turning and disappearing round the corner.

THE CAR

JJ felt a lot more in his element when her dad had called him asking if he could fix her car. He hadn't specified it was his eldest daughters, and JJ knew the family owned 7 cards despite only 3 of them even being able to drive.

JJ recognised it though, a white convertible porsche, he'd seen her driving it around before. Wether she was blasting music with the roof down singing with Sarah, picking up a take out from the wreck, driving around in the middle of the night, she'd even given Kie a lift to the Chateau before. He realised that he always seemed to notice her presence.

He was working in the family's garage, the bonnet popped open and grease all over him. It was an easy fix, if a little fiddly.

He jumped out of his skin when the door burst open.  He is immediately taken aback by how good she looks. Clad in a tight black skirt that is ridiculously short, heels and a tight black V neck top with a lace trim around the neck. Her hair falls in bouncy curls around her shoulders and her makeup looks perfect. He would have sworn on everything he'd never seen anyone look so beautiful.

"You're a boy," The girl states.

"Good job noticing that one princess," JJ smirks, she rolls her eyes.

"I have a date and Sarah is being so unhelpful, can you help me pick a top?" She questions, he gulps, nodding.

"Okay, so this is option 1,"

"It looks good,"

"Right. But is it sexy? Do you look at me and think I wanna slam her against a wall and rail her?"

His eyes widen a little, that's one way of putting it he decides.

"Look, I'm your families help, I shouldn't be answering that,"

"Like I care Maybank," She groans, exasperated.

"Okay fine, I look at you in that and I think I wanna rip your clothes off,"

"Okay good. Option 2," She starts. JJ is shocked when she pulls her top off in front of him, without even turning around. He turns around, although not without taking a mental picture of her boobs being pushed up in a red lace bra. "Who knew you were a prude?"

"Just respecting you princess," He comments

"You've seen me in a bikini, what's the difference?" She questions, he stays silent having no quick comment to respond with. "I'm dressed," She states

He turns back around, she looks good, a forest green top made of satin.

"The first one is sexy, that one is cute,"

"Thanks JJ, oh, and hey, thanks for fixing my car,"

"Uh. Yeah, anytime,"

THE SUMMER HOUSE

JJ was happy to paint the summer house. He claimed to his friends it was just because they way over paid and tipped big. In reality it was because for three days straight he would get to catch glimpses of her. And he did.

He saw her when she swam in her pool.

He saw her when she played in the garden with her little sister.

He saw her when she cloud gazed with Sarah Cameron.

The best times he got to see her though, were when she would bring him stuff. Every so often she'd knock on the open door to the summer house, sometimes with water, sometimes with snacks, a few times even with a beer. A couple of times she stopped and made small talk, one time she even smeared paint on his cheek and giggled as he chased her through the garden.

He enters the kitchen, used to how the family worked now. An envelope of money waiting on the kitchen counter, they always seemed to be coming and going so it was easier.

He was shocked to see her in the kitchen, she's scrolling on her phone sipping on what looks to be an iced coffee

"Oh, hey JJ," She smiles

"Hey, I'm done," he informs, she nods, watching as he picks up the envelope "So, I'll be seeing you around,"

"Did you want a lift?" She questions, he looks at her slightly confused "I just noticed your bike wasn't here and it's kinda late to be walking back. It's a long walk,"

"You really don't have to princess,"

"Honestly, it's fine," she assures, jumping up and grabbing her keys before heading towards the garage.

She wasn't sure when she stopped hating JJ Maybank, wasn't sure when she started noticing little things like the blue in his eyes and which snapback he was wearing and how tired he looked. She wasn't sure when the sight of his bike in the driveway started giving her butterflies.

"So where is your bike?" She questions, the roof of the car is down and the wind blowing through her hair as she pulls out of the private estate her home is on.

"Didn't have enough fuel to get to yours and back," He shrugs

"Why didn't you just-" She cuts herself off "Shit, I'm so sorry. That was insanely rude, I wasn't even thinking and-" He chuckles, watching as she splutters and blushes

"It's okay. Life is different on the cut I can understand how a kook princess wouldn't get it," He shrugs, she nods, still not sure what to say.

"Y'know my life isn't perfect," She comments, he scoffs, unable to help himself. "I'm not kidding. It's privileged as fuck, I know that, but it's not perfect,"

"Go on then princess, what's so shit?" He doesn't mean for it to sound so harsh, he's genuinely curious

"My parents, they have basically planned my entire life, down to where I'll go to college, what sorority I'll be in, where I'll work my summer internship, who I'll marry, where I'll get married, which big kook house I'll live in,  at what age I'll have to give up my career, which has been decided for me by them, to start trying for babies. It's 24 by the way so in 8 years. My whole life is decided and I don't want it. I wanna go on a trip around the world and surf and travel and explore. I wanna fall in love and get my heartbroken again and again until I find the right guy. I wanna live in a New York apartment and I wanna see the world. I don't wanna marry Rafe Cameron just cause our mothers are friends. I mean he's literally scary and harasses me and acts like even though I'm 16 I shouldn't have a choice cause one day he'll father my kids. And no one gets it, none of my friends, not even my best friend. The only person who ever understood why it was so shit was Kie and then she left, she left and lives her life and it's fun and exciting and anything could happen. I don't hate her for it but it fucking sucks that she left me miserable. I'll be miserable living my planned out life and then I'll die. Yeah, I have money and that's fucking great, but my life is far from perfect,"

JJ sits in a stunned silence. He's not really sure what to say. Their problems were very different but hers were just as shitty. He feels like he's seeing her in a whole new light.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't tell people that and we barely no each other," She mutters, not wanting to look at him

"Where would you go first?" His question surprised her

"On my fictitious surf trip?" She questions, he nods "Europe, Spain I think,"

They sit in silence the rest of the way, it's not awkward though, both of them feel comforted by each other presence. He gives her instructions to the chateau.

"We are probably gonna drink some beers and smoke. You wanna stay? You could crash here and drive home in the morning," JJ offers

"I can't. My family are having dinner at the hotel. Thanks though," She smiles gently

"Yeah. Uh, I hope it's not too shit. Thanks for the ride princess,"

He climbs out of the car, his friends who sit on the porch immediately calling out to him, they're all laughing and teasing him about his lift home and when he looks back he almost thinks he sees a look of longing in her eyes before she's reversing out of the chateau.

THE BOAT

"Can you fix it?" She questions. JJ Maybank has never seen her look nervous before.

It was only 6:30 AM when she'd started banging on the door to the Chateau, tears in her eyes and panic on her face hoping JJ would be here. John B had pulled the door open, half asleep and groaning a little at the bright sunlight. He'd let her into the small home and disappeared to wake JJ up. John B opted not to put too much thought into the way the minute her name was said JJ leaped out of bed and shoved into the living area, the way his hands cupped her cheeks to see if she was okay, the way he was calling her princess as he tried to calm down her hiccuping tears.

"I can fix it," He confirms. They're standing on the deck of her families boat "It's an easy fix princess, okay? don't even worry," He speaks in a comforting tone

"Thank you JJ,"

"No worries. It'll take me a while, you got anywhere to be?"

"No. Well yes, a breakfast thing with the Cameron's but it's at my house and I can't exactly show up without the boat so,"

"So you're hiding out here all day?" JJ questions

"Well, I don't wanna intrude. I can go and hang out at the beach,"

"Don't talk nonsense, you can hang here. C'mon, I need to be down the bottom with the engine, you can sit and entertain me,"

She watches intently as he works, now that he's not working at her house he hasn't bothered with a shirt, instead just wearing shorts and his infamous red baseball cap. He glances at her occasionally, her makeup streaky from crying and wearing a short white dress.

"So, wanna tell me what happened?" He questions

"Not really," She admits, he nods and she sighs before beginning to explain"Rafe wanted to go boating late and then it all went wrong and then we got the boat to the nearest dock, hence why we are in the middle of nowhere, and he said he was going to call someone to get a lift and it was rainy so I was waiting in here.  It had been a while so I went outside to check on him and he was gone. I didn't know what to do. Dad would kill me for breaking the boat, do I just kinda figured I'd walk to yours and hopefully you would no how to fix it. Then I realised I have no clue where you live so I walked to John B's and hoped for the best,"

"He just left you in the middle of nowhere alone?" JJ doesn't know why he's so mad, they were hardly even friends

"Yeah. He texted me to let me know it was cause he's already in shit with his dad and didn't wanna go down for breaking my family's boat," She shrugs, JJ wants to go and find Rafe Cameron and beat his skull in.

"Look, a girl like you deserves someone who would treat them a million times better than that,"

"I always thought you hated me," She admits

"So did I, until this summer I kinda did," He shrugs

"What changed?" She asks, the question is so vulnerable he can't help himself from looking at her

"You aren't what I thought you'd be," He admits, she nods slowly

"How should a girl like me be treated?" She questions

"Like they're the only thing on earth," He's not really sure why he's so openly telling her how he feels but it feels too late now

"Is that how you'd treat me Maybank?"

"Girls like you don't date boys like me," He shrugs, turning quickly back to what he's doing, not wanting her to recognise the disappointment on his face.

THE PARTY

It was no secret her family hosted a big formal party on the 10th of July every year, her parents wedding anniversary. JJ had waited the party the last 2 years and this summer was no different, he'd even managed to get John B and Pope a job too.

His heart had stopped when he saw her, her dress was the exact shade of blue as the sky and flowed beautifully down to her feet, her hair curled with the front pinned back, her makeup beautiful. She looked like an angel approaching him and god why did she have to look so perfect.

"Hey JJ," She smiles, grabbing a glass of champagne from the tray he's holding "Could you do me a favour?"

"Of course," He agrees, expecting some job that needed doing for the party

"If you see Rafe and I'm on my own..." She trails off "I'm trying to avoid him, after the other day,"

It's three hours into the party when JJ grabs her hand, pulling her along behind him and away from Rafe who is clearly trying to catch her alone. He pulls her into a small cupboard slamming the door closed behind him and locking it.

"What was that about?"

"Rafe," He shrugs, he didn't outwardly say he'd been watching her all night to make sure he could look out for her. He also didn't say he would have been watching her all night even if she hadn't asked him too.

"JJ, you know how your coming over next week to fix that one  door that you can't open from inside the cupboard?" She question

"Yeah," He states, peering out of the key hole to see if Rafe is still looking for her

"Well, this is the cupboard,"

"Shit!" He shouts, pulling away from the door to face her. "Shit, it's your parents wedding anniversary and I got you locked in the cupboard,"

"It's alright," She shrugs "They hate each other most the time anyway,"

"Call someone to let you out,"

"Where on this dress did you think there was pockets, you call someone,"

"My phone is in the twinkie,"

"The what?"

"John B's car," JJ sighs. "Fuck princess, I'm so sorry," He groans

"It's fine. Sarah will come looking for me eventually," She shrugs. He nods, watching as she sits down on the ground, patting the space next to her.

He obliges, sitting next to her, knees touching in the tight space.

"You look nice tonight, I like the shirt and tie," She compliments, he can feel himself blush and is glad the cupboard is dark enough she probably can't see it.

"Y'know what you said on the boat the other day?" She questions, he immediately knows what she's referring too "About how girls like me don't date boys like you,"

"Yeah," He confirms

"Why is that?" She questions quietly

"I couldn't make you happy princess. Your parents would hate me. I couldn't take you on the fancy dates you're used to. You wouldn't be happy,"

"My parents love you, they think you're resourceful and hard working. I hate the stuffy dates figure 8 boys take me on," She informs, he laughs a little at that. "Besides, you already make me happy. I'm just saying Maybank, if you don't wanna date me just say it, don't try and put it on me,"

JJ isn't really sure how to react. How to explain he desperately wanted to date her, wanted her to be his girl and wanted to shower her in love and adoration. He isn't sure how to tell her that by inadvertently telling him she wanted to date him she had made him the happiest man on earth. He's not really great with words and it all feels too hard to say.

So, instead, he turns slightly, taking her face in his hands and pulling her to him, his lips crashing against hers and somehow she knows everything he wanted to say.