#but i am not emotionally ok enough for that ever again

[vanoefucks]

just rememberd how my last playthrough I did of dai last dec had me almost love solas. like story wise for my canon he IS besties with Sirdhemdir my inquisitor but like...i cant be besties with him.

[phagodyke]

was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍

[ghostzzy]

there is just. no area of my life in which i am feeling fulfilled or successful. and there hasn't been in several years.

[sashayed]

I haven't said as much about electoral politics this year as I have in previous cycles, because I am exhausted like everyone else and have nothing new or helpful to add. That is still true, so caveat lector I guess lmao!!! Happy American Election Day Fellow Sufferers!!

I have been experiencing an internal backlash the last few years to my extremely Sorkinpilled D.C. private school upbringing -- my childhood spent as a kind of convent schoolgirl in the faith of The System Is Good If We All Participate, which of course has a uhhh let's say generously a minimal engagement with the ways in which many of us are by design shut out of participating. I don't think idealism is necessarily childish, but I think MY idealism certainly has childish qualities, an undergirding of 90s feel-goodism, of civic participation as a subtle ego stroke and of voting -- although I would never have consciously put it this way -- as a way to feel superior to people who don't vote.

Lately there has bubbled up in me a sludgy, adolescent fury at this whole stupid country that has made it very very hard to feel like I should do even the bare minimum. For these people? AMERICANS? The ones that not only want Donald Trump to be president but saw what happened the first time and were like, We love this, do it again but worse? Whatever, fuckos. "I hope you people get your dearest wish and it chews you to death slowly," I may have thought.

I have also thought: why is it so controversial to ask elected officials to stop funding a genocide? Why are we treating people who make that ask, who are watching the current administration directly fund death on a mass scale and objecting to that choice, as if they are being babies and just need to get over it? How are they supposed to get over it? Why is anybody over it?

Anyway all this means that I, a known chipper door-knocker and caller of congresspeople, have been pretty low-key this current cycle. I think that is OK. I don't want to make this a big dramatic confessional about how I didn't write enough postcards or whatever. We all get exhausted and this was my turn.

But it has also been an illuminating cycle in that it's made it clear to me how much at my big age I still want politics to make me feel good, and when they don't, I still have the urge to throw a lil tantrum about it! I can get very superior and intellectual about how right-wing operatives manipulate their voters emotionally WITHOUT EVEN NOTICING that I too have been manipulated, in my case into the feeling that nonparticipation is a kind of revolutionary act.* Just absolute "I threw it on the GROUND" logic happening inside my head. "Maybe if I don't vote I will be doing Quiet Quitting, which is uhhhhh anticapitalist." I'm not a part of your system!!!

Anyway, I am trying to have self-compassion about it, and one way for me to do that is to project my internal experience onto a theoretical reader. That would be you, my imaginary friend who clicked on this post for some reason even though you have already decided not to vote! I just want to tell you that I am more sympathetic to your point of view than I have ever been in my whole life, and I'm sorry I have historically been a glib, holier-than-thou asshole about it in ways that may actually have made you MORE resistant to civic participation.

And you're right: it doesn't make that big a difference whether I personally vote or not, or whether you do. But if there are hundreds of us, and I think there are, then each of those people individually do starts to matter.

I guess I would humbly request that you and I both pay attention to what people who need help are actually asking for. I would ask that we both notice who wins when we abdicate this single responsibility. I would remind us both that participating in the electoral process is not some kind of weird either-or with participating in decentralized community building and mutual aid, and the best people we know do both. Isn't it interesting that somehow, insidiously, without even consciously becoming aware of this belief, we have started to think that you can only do one or the other? Who is telling us that story? Who does it serve?

Anyway. I took the stupid 90 minute round trip to my polling place which was VERY hot for some reason and I stood in the stupid line and some babies waved at me and I cast my vote for Kamala Harris and I'm glad I did it in the same way I'm glad after I do the dishes or take a stupid shower. Doing work doesn't always feel like anything. I also saw a really wonderful small black and white dog that I thought was a cat on a leash. I would not have seen that dog if I hadn't gone to vote. So politics can still make you feel good!!!

*I mean all this analysis is cute and everything BUT ALSO i did switch antidepressants twice in the last year, an astonishingly grueling process that almost made me [affect the trout population]. Could these things be related? hmmmmmmm, don't understand the question, won't respond to it.

[m4rs-ex3]

so naturally i was up at 1am the other night watching tdp related youtube videos and i figured i'd watch the 2020 comic con panel since it'd been a while and oh my god some of this shit

(also just me talking about how much i love this cast)

"IT IS I, DARK_MAGE_DAD420" i cannot believe that is real

aaravos: "if i want to do a screen call, i must perform a cosmic blood ritual. with a mortar and pestle. AND FLOATING KNIVES" you are fucking kidding me (edit: i realize that pertains to what he did in s2 but still like "cosmic" "ritual" "knives"? cmon)

jason simpson playing the ukulele. that's all.

jack: *talking about how he had a baby in quarantine* eric: i've been doing a lot of gardening... uh i haven't had a baby, but you never know! i mean if it's possible through social distancing aaron: if anybody can make that happen through social distancing it's aaravos you are F U C K I N G KIDDING ME

racquel: some fun things i did- i uhh died my own hair and burned my scalp and i would like to inform you all it's finally healed and we're good to go, i'm ready to do it again! i'm obsessed with the fact that racquel is quite literally claudia irl

the ttm read is awesome. jack came with the Rayla Voice fucking PREPARED oh my god

i don't think i've ever actually talked about the dnd sketch but it is one of my favorite things in the entire world

rayllum in this sketch is amazing particularly callum he is SO down bad like "my character is a mysterious elf assassin with two beautiful blades to match my two beautiful eyes~~ ✨" like hello that's canon idc if it's a sketch that is canon

"my character cannot help but look at her. he locks eyes with rayla's mage" "....there will be time for roleplaying later" HELLO THATS GOLD

viren in this skit is genuinely one of the funniest things i've ever seen. i cannot emphasize enough this is comedy

necromancer ezran. i think about him daily.

s: "i start swinging my sword at, uhh, idk, rayla's mage" r: "WAIT WHAT" c: "uh wait wait i take it back MY SWORDS GLEAM INTO THE LIGHT AS I LEAP TO THE DEFENCE OF THE BEAUTIFUL MAGE!" s: "hey no takebacks!" sibling ass fight i love them

"LIKE WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY DO?"

i rolled a 1 😐

i loot their corpses for blood >:D

"do elves have four toes?" "i always assumed that they would have 6 so they could learn how to count to 20" paula my love

someone get sasha some hamantaschen

i don't need arc 3 actually i just need the beta script including as many guns n roses references as possible

racquel: ok call me crazy, call me crazy... jesse: you're crazy, racquel racquel: THANK YOU FINALLY they are literally just them

"I WILL NOT BE POSTING A SINGLE THING ABOUT ICE, FOR I AM JULIA" (okay but.... venous frigoris anyone?)

paula: ugh, no one likes soren jesse: well no one likes rayla racquel: you two should fight 😈

long hard sigh

bonus: jason: literally no one likes viren so let's move on

"how old is bait?" "sasha, how old do you think bait is?" "3."

"is-is a glow toad kinda like a toad?" "................kind of"

i fucking love sasha have i ever mentioned that i fucking love sasha

"i think that he's 56." "either 3 or 56 only, apparently"

the saga announcement is great i love how everyone's is so excited they don't even know all of their characters are about to be destroyed physically and emotionally

the way aaron says it so fucking funny "is there gonna be a season 4?" "uh so i think it's really important to emphasize: yes-"

"i too want to cry" "just cry, just-" "IT'S A PANDEMIC. NO TEARS. THERE'S NO CRYING IN A PANDEMIC." "...where is this rule coming from?"

and finally there were a handful of moments that i could not do justice by transcribing in a post so here is a masterfully edited compilation i made

[jesuis-assez]

We know that Lucy calls Tim babe (I refuse to use past tense I’m in denial lol), if you could have your way, what would Tim call Lucy as a pet name? #ChenfordChats

Hmm... I think I'd melt if he called her 'Baby' or 'Sweetheart' I have a soft spot for those ones. I don't know what that's about. I don't want to go there 🤣

And if I think of moments where those terms of endearments could've been used:

6x04:

When he rushed to the hospital and comforted her by touching her head ever so gently. Him softly telling her, "My god, you didn't have to take my hero suggestion so literally" If we were to replace "my god" with "sweetheart" or "baby" ?? 👌

6x06: ( Everyone put your pitchforks down and hear me out ) 🤣

If he said "I'm sorry, baby" or 'sweetheart' right before kissing her forehead. Although, I'm not sure how it would have fit exactly in the scene. But, I wouldn't object to it. It actually was one of my favourite scenes of theirs in season six. It had everything for me. It ripped me apart emotionally and left me wanting more. I loved it, no sarcasm here. I'm being genuine.

The scene itself is already packed with so much angst. But, then there would be them holding hands, " I'm sorry, [term of endearment]" and a forehead kiss in there. We're already on the ground dying and that would just finish us off.

In 6x03:

Lucy is over preparing for her detective exam with Tim being so amazing and supportive.

What he said here was truly enough and It doesn't matter so much that a sweetheart wasn't at the end of him saying 'yourself', but I would've loved it even more. I thought him saying that to her was a huge thing to say, coming from someone who ALWAYS needs to feel in control.

Because Lucy was so far in her head with it. So much that she had been projecting all of her self-doubt onto Tim. She couldn't see that he was being supportive, because it's not like her parents were ever supportive of her career. She's never had that support.

Yes, Lucy. And not even yourself, either.

That's what she was doing. Listening to that voice in her head telling her that she isn't good enough. That she's not ready and she can't do it. And Tim being her number 1 supporter was there reminding her not to do that. After all... he had taught her not to.

And to see her going back into that mind-set, to see Lucy filling herself with all that self-doubt again? To second guess herself again... It must be hard to watch someone you love, spiral like that. To try and help them through it and no matter what you say or do, it only pushes them further to burning out.

I focused heavily on season 6 for examples. Even if he were just to say, "Are you okay, baby?" I am aware that he said 'baby' to Isabel before (When she got shot in the head) but, that doesn't mean shit here 🤣 It's obviously a term he has been comfortable with using in the past. I don't see why he wouldn't use it again, unless he were to come up with something specially for Lucy. (What I am hoping for)

If he were to actually use 'sweetheart' that would also fit well for Lucy, for how kind-hearted she is and has been to him.

I do hope that Tim might use something that we've never heard before. *fingers crossed* for this one. It won't matter if he doesn't. I'm ALMOST sure whatever endearment he comes up with (if he even does) some of us will probably pass out on the spot *raises hand* Me. I'd-- I'd do that. Ok, I might (very unlikely)

But what most likely would happen is what usually happens. I'll either be internally screaming or I'll sit there on the spot inaudibly screaming 'Ahhhh' while pointing.

I'm hoping it would be something that's unique to their relationship. Or at least Lucy. I'd be so on board for that! I am a sucker for those kinds of nickname/endearments, too.

Y'know, something similar to when she was his rookie and he would incessantly call her 'boot'.

Thank yooooou for sending me this ! I may have put waaay too much thought into this. I'm incapable of answering without talking extensively about it. This ask was a lot of fun 💖🤭

[thecapricunt1616]

The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 20

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐁𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐛 (𝐌𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐁𝐓𝐂 !) : “Can we never leave this bed? Just stay… forever” he said and rested his forehead on mine once again, eyes fluttering shut. Peace. That’s what I saw over his features, it was few and far between to find these days. But when he did, he savored it like it was the most luxurious perfect meal in the universe.  “Yes” I hum and cup his cheeks “have I ever told you how beautiful you are, Bear?” I mused and began kissing along all the little freckles that covered his cheeks and jaw. He giggled a bit at the ticklish pecks and hid his now blushy face in my neck, pinching my hip playfully.  “Stoppp” he said and I smiled big, scratching his hair gently and kissing his temple.  “It’s true - so pretty. The prettiest boy.” I said and squeeze him with my thigh and he rolled me on top of him, dragging my hips down to settle on top of his and he looks up at me carefully, as if he was gauging my reaction. I bit the inside of my lip gently, rolling my hips just enough to supply him some friction and I rested my forehead on his, taking his hands and interlacing our fingers. “This ok?” I ask quietly.

♡ 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐨: The Tortured Poets Department (Song) Taylor Swift ♡ 𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Winnie & Carmy finally understand eachother again for a moment. Winnie goes with Carmy & Syd to the Ever funeral dinner. ♡ 𝐖/𝐂:9.0K ♡ 𝐀/𝐍: Hello my lovely friends!!! I am here with chapter 20 for you all!!! Eeee things in this story are really starting to pick up! I'm sorry not sorry that this is getting so long, I told y'all from the beginning that I was really wordy! I hope you're still enjoying hehe <3 This is very heavily based on the finale of S3! Funny enough this season already worked with what I was planning for this story, so by nature I had to incorperate it! The whole scene with Carmy and his boss made my stomach drop & writing it did the same!! This chapter is very much a rollercoaster of emotions!! I hope you enjoy hehe ♡ 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐁𝐓𝐂: *Minimally edited*, Speaking of drug use, Speaking of past abuse, Sad!Carmy, Anxious!Carmy, Angst, Scenes are kind of choppy since the fluff & dinner were the main part of the story sorry hehe, Fluff & Smut, Lovey morning smut kinda thing, Swearing, Carmy being emotionally constipated/not understanding how things can be perceived (#justautismthings I feel you Carmy) ➵ 𝘊𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘶𝘱 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘊𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘕𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦!♡

♡ 𝐌𝐲 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐬 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐞-𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞 ♡ ➵ 𝐓𝐁&𝐇𝐇 𝐋𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐏𝐚𝐠𝐞 ♡ ➵ 𝘊𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯���� / 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘵 ♡ ➵ 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬 ♡

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

After a few hours of sleep, I woke up and reached for Carmy but didn’t feel him. I peeled open my eyes and looked around the dark room, sitting up and rubbing my face. I stood up and took my bra off, the little packet that was half empty falling to the floor. I picked it up and put it in my nightstand, slipping Carmys white shirt over my head and padding out to the living room to see him arms crossed, still in his jeans, socked feet hanging off the end of the couch.

 I knelt next to him on the floor, grabbing his hand and bringing it to my lips gently, whispering “I’m sorry” I knew I would tell him when he was awake, but I had to let him know as soon as I could. 

His eyes fluttered open and he took his hand, rubbing his face before taking mine again. “I’m sorry, Bear. I’m sorry for saying such mean things. I don’t remember them all, but I remember I probably hurt you. And I’m sorry.” I said honestly. He remains quiet for a moment, before softly asking 

“Do you do drugs to get away from me?” And I frowned, sighing a bit. 

“Baby, you know not everything I do is about you, right?” I ask and sit down next to his legs, gently easing them into my lap. 

“Yeah… but..I dunno” he looks away for a short moment. “Can I try?” He asked and my eyes widen, before I quickly shake my head no. 

“Baby- absolutely not. You aren’t in a headspace for experimenting with drugs right now. Maybe…” I trail off, sighing a bit. If anything coke would probably kill him, his head would spin off like a top. 

“I don’t think that coke would be the drug for you, sweetheart. I think something that would more… mellow you out, but drugs aren’t the answer, Bear. I didn’t do it to get away from anything - is that what you want to do?” I asked and he nodded a bit. 

“I just…I dunno. Lately I feel I can’t get my head straight. I thought somethin like that might help” he said softly and I rub his hand. 

“Come to bed, your back is gonna kill” I said and he sighed softly, looking at the clock on the oven. 

“Should just shower. Gotta be up in 20 anyway” he said and I shook my head. 

“We need time, Bear. You can’t go in early today, please? Please honey. Just take some time to rest and talk to me?” I rub his chest in soothing circles and he sighed a bit, eyes fluttering shut at the feeling 

“Mkay” he relented and I smiled a bit, squeezing his knee gently. 

“Has this still been bugging you?” I asked and he shook his head 

“S’my shoulder. Right one” he said and I took his hand, kissing it gently 

“Well let’s get you to bed, and I can give you a nice rub, hmm?” I asked, trailing my hand under his shirt over his abs gently, relishing in the warmth he offered. 

“You’re too good” he said softly and I gently tug his arm so he’d sit up and peck his lips 

“Take it as more of a sorry, baby. You shouldn’t ever be talked down to that way, it was wrong. And I love you so much, I promise to be more careful with my words” I kiss his temple gently and he bit his lip 

“Where do you learn that?” He asked gently as we made our way back to the bedroom. “Learn what?” I gently tug off the button of his jeans and he kicked them off, pulling his shirt off and laying down on his stomach, hugging his pillow and nuzzling his face into it tiredly as I grabbed my cbd lotion and straddled his hips

“Say sorry with more words” he muttered and I work out the knots in his shoulder as I think. 

“Well, it’s not something I was born with. Or that my mother taught me. I think we both relate in that way. Our mothers weren’t very nice to us, so she never told me anything for hurting me. When I went to therapy, to start with- I was going on benders every few weeks and stealing from people and lying to people and… so anyway. Therapy, baby. I guess I started feeling bad I put the bad on other people too. And made them feel icky. So I wanted to learn how I could make it better” I said gently and ease my hands over the back of his neck, rubbing lightly and he hums. 

“D’you think it’s wrong I still give a shit about my mom?” He asked and I stopped, leaning down and giving him a gentle kiss to the top of his head. 

“That’s normal. She’s your mother.” I said and he sat quietly for a moment before asking 

“D’you think it’s wrong I still give a shit what Fields would think?”  

I swallowed thickly, not wanting to gut him with my answer but knowing it would be wrong to lie. “Yes, darling. But not wrong, just unfortunate. That man will never like you, Carmy. Is that what you want?” I ask and he sarcastically chuckled 

“Fuck that. If that fuckin - no. No baby if that prick ever said he liked me I’d want someone to shoot me in the fuckin head because any person that man would want to be around has to be the same level of - of fuckin evil that he is.” He said passionately and I nodded, rubbing his arm gently to calm him back down 

“Shhh- Bear. Bear, then what honey. Why would you care what someone so evil thinks of you, of the beautiful legacy you’ve made for yourself already and you’re only half his age, sweetheart.” I continued rubbing the tension out of his shoulders. “I don’t think you should say anything if he’s at that dinner tonight “

“How do you know about that?” 

I furrow my brow, “baby- I hung with the girls last night and Marcus and one of their work friends. They told me that all these people were coming to town because there’s some kind of funeral dinner, for your ex boss chefff-“ I try to remember the name 

“Terry” he finished “Andrea terry. One of the better bosses I’ve had. You’re gonna like her. But I doubt that fuckface is even gonna be there. No one fucking likes him anyone who’s ever worked with or for that demon leaves seriously mentally fuckin I’ll an-and I think a lot of the time actually I know babe you fuckin are the one who’s with me every night when I’m throwing up. Or or I’m fucking -“

“I know baby” I said gently and gently left a kiss between his shoulder blades. “So that’s a good thing, how exciting then, baby. You can network, and thank your boss for teaching you so much. Syd is super excited about it, she said there should be a lot of opportunity there for you both” I try to shift the focus to the positive but of course his racing thoughts just have to drag the mood down 

“What if she thinks the Bear is- is shit. What if she thinks I’ve learned nothing and - and that I’m fuckin a loser, Win? W-what if she-“

“Carmy” I tuck my hands under his chest, finding his racing heart and cupping my palm over it, nuzzling my face in his neck. “Do me a favor baby. Take a breath. You’re spiraling, we came in here to relax” I said and breathe deep with him a few times “okay, now, baby. Let’s quiet our minds together, ok?” I said and he chuckled a bit, lightly since my weight was still over him. 

“Can’t remember the last time that’s happened” he chides and I gently pet his hair 

“Shhhhh. Listen to my voice, Bear. Ok? Now let’s imagine somewhere that’s peaceful. Where would that be?” I asked

“Not fuckin work” he said and I hum

“So Bear when a thought comes to your mind let’s just try to let it pass, hm? Don’t interact with it. If it sticks around for a second that’s ok, but let’s try and imagine…. Ah- Central Park. You told me when you used to walk there-“

“No not New York he’s in New York. I can’t be in New York and feel peace.” 

“ ok” I sigh, a bit defeated “ok. Pretend we’re in fucking Australia, Carmy. The prettiest god damn beach you can muster. Picture it and if you say there’s trauma surrounding Australia I’m going to-“

“Uni. Uni sucks and we get it imported from there, but I’ve never been so I’ll pretend this beach has no female eels” he smiled one of those stupid little ‘hehe I just made a joke’ smiles that he does, and i laughed leaning in and kissing his cheek 

“You make relaxation impossible for yourself, do you realize this sweetheart?” 

“I’ve been told. Ok so I’m on a beach, there is sand everywhere and it’s hot. What do I do now?” He asked with his eyes closed. 

“Ok- do you hate beaches or something?” I asked and he hummed

“Sand is annoying. Can I be on a boat instead?” He asked and I smile a bit, leaning in and kissing his temple gently, holding on to all of my remaining patience with an iron fist. 

“Carmy” I said softly and he hums as I rest my forehead on his, our lips meer inches apart. He hummed in response and puckered his lips so they would meet mine gently “you need to be good f’me and listen, you need rest” I said gently and he kissed my lips again 

“Jus’ stay like this my head feels way quieter.” He said barely above a whisper, basically speaking into my mouth before kissing me again. “Y’re the only fuckin thing in this world that helps, honey.” He kissed the corner of my mouth gently “I love you” he mumbled into my lips. I stroke the pad of my thumb slightly back and forth over his heart. 

“I love you, Carmen. I love you more then I could ever express. Now get some sleep f’me, ok? So we can have a good day at work, right? Were gonna have a good day?” I assure and he hummed  “A good day”

Not good, better. Amazing, actually. Compared to the days we’d been having? I woke up, and Carmy was still in bed. And the fucking sun was up!!! I smiled big, rubbing his back gently and he stirred a bit, nuzzling his nose with mine and his eyes fluttered open to meet my gaze. I left a gentle kiss on his lips and he kissed me back, slow and easy. Unrushed. 

“Time?” He asked softly. I sit up, peering at his large annoying blue alarm clock he insisted on having because for some reason his phone alarms weren’t good enough anymore. 

“5:56. Look at you, sleeping in so late” I teased and kiss his forehead. He hiked my thigh over his hips, adjusting us so we were perfectly flush together and he rucked up his shirt that I was wearing, so we’d be skin to skin as he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck and shoulder and chin and anywhere he could reach. 

“Can we never leave this bed? Just stay… forever” he said and rested his forehead on mine once again, eyes fluttering shut. Peace. That’s what I saw over his features, it was few and far between to find these days. But when he did, he savored it like it was the most luxurious perfect meal in the universe. 

“Yes” I hum and cup his cheeks “have I ever told you how beautiful you are, Bear?” I mused and began kissing along all the little freckles that covered his cheeks and jaw. He giggled a bit at the ticklish pecks and hid his now blushy face in my neck, pinching my hip playfully. 

“Stoppp” he said and I smiled big, scratching his hair gently and kissing his temple. 

“It’s true - so pretty. The prettiest boy.” I said and squeeze him with my thigh and he rolled me on top of him, dragging my hips down to settle on top of his and he looks up at me carefully, as if he was gauging my reaction. I bit the inside of my lip gently, rolling my hips just enough to supply him some friction as I rested my forehead on his, taking his hands and interlacing our fingers. “This ok?” I ask quietly. 

“Really ok, I think I’d be ok with more, actually” he said and I smiled, a real bright honest smile. Fucking finally 

“Yeah? This is good, right?” I ask in regards to our position as I dragged my hips along his, rubbing my clit over his hardening cock and he hummed 

“Perfect - always perfect, Angel” he kissed my lips lovingly as I reach down and dip my fingers into his boxers, grabbing his length with a gentle grip and I felt his stomach clench beneath me and his breath hitched. “Not gonna last long.” He admitted and I kiss his lips to get him to shut up, and pull him out before tugging my panties to the side and sinking down. 

We moaned in tandem, my head falling to the crook of his neck as I just sat there, enjoying the full feeling that I missed so fucking much. With the lack of prep it burned just a bit, but fuck that was nothing in comparison to the closeness and happiness and love and fullness I felt. “God I fucking love you, Bear” I lazily roll my hips, we were barely moving but Jesus it was fucking amazing. 

He laid beneath me, slack jawed, eyes fluttered shut and soft grunts and moans pulling from his throat “Bear” I said softly and kiss his jaw 

“I love you, honey” he replied, voice raspy with sleep and lust. “Fuck- I - I needa move” he rolled us on our side and snapped his hips with mine, my back arching and our chests flush together. 

“Mmm - fuck wow- I missed you baby” I whine out, eyes fluttering shut and lifting my thigh higher on his waist so he could get a deeper angle. We were essentially front spooning, every limb entangled, every bit of possible skin touching. Words didn’t really have to be exchanged when we had sex like this because we felt all of them. 

I felt I love you, I need you, you’re mine in each thrust, and I hope he felt the same. “Close” I squeak out as I felt that familiar warmth in the pit of my stomach. 

“Can I cum inside?” He rasps, thrusts getting sloppier as he got closer to his relief. 

“Please Bear. Fill me up” I beg, and with a final hard thrust, and a growl like grunt I felt warmth in the deepest part of me, leaking down and covering my walls. “Mm feels so good” I said. He kept thrusting and within a minute I was following him through to my own orgasm, thighs trembling and toes curling, him whining hotly as my walls clenched around his softening cock. 

“So fuckin good- so good” he muttered and kissed my temple sweetly, tugging me so our pelvis’ were perfectly flush, like we were 2 puzzle pieces meant for eachother. “Fit so perfect baby” he said gently and nuzzled his nose with mine. 

“Made for eachother. Siamo fatti l’uno per l’altra” I repeat the Italian phrase I’d read in one of my fantasy romance books and his brow furrows 

“Where’d you learn that?” He asked, a small smile dancing on his lips “you don’t know Italian how’d you know what made for each other is in Italian” he asked and I shrug lightly. 

“What? Aren’t you impressed? Mon ours” (my Bear) I kiss his lips sweetly. 

“I’m very impressed, also a little turned on- you should learn more Italian” he kissed my neck hungrily and I giggled, resting my face to the side so he could get better access. 

“Oh yeah? Is that all I need to get your attention, some sappy Italian? That should be easy they say it’s the language of romance right?” I gently play with his curls 

“I wish I could give you it all baby but…” he trailed off and rubbed my back gently “I gotta get up. Gotta get ready” he said just above a whisper. I sighed dramatically, pulling off of him and grabbing my phone silently, rolling over to go scroll through tik tok or something else to distract me. 

“Hey - hey” he eased, grabbing my hips and pulling me back to him, he plucked my phone from my hand “are you even gonna hear me out? I was gonna say, why don’t we go have a quick shower and I’ll make us somethin’ t’eat before I go, sassy girl” he pinched my bum and kissed my jaw. I couldn’t help the bashful smile that came across my face at the idea. 

“Really?” I ask hopefully and he rubs his palm over my stomach, to my ribs, trailing up to squeeze my breast playfully 

“Really really. Now are we gonna get a move on so I make it in time for truck?” He mused and I kissed him lovingly before practically hopping out of bed to turn on the shower. His statement lingered in my mind in time for truck. I thought he had to leave at 4 because truck came that early - I thought it came at like 5. Which always kind of confused me, because…

Just enjoy the moment. 

I rub over my face as my eyes adjust to the light, setting in one of my eucalyptus shower steamers and taking off his shirt that the hem was now wet with fluids from our time in bed making sure to not let it touch my freshly washed hair from last night. Carmy followed me shortly after, coming and hugging me from behind, kissing the top of my head before I twisted my hair up in a bun so it wouldn’t get wet. 

“Aren’t we best friends?” I asked as I step in next to him. 

“Best friends” he repeats as he gets his hair wet, he always had to wash it after we were intimate like that because the mix of my hands rubbing over his hair and all the sweat he produced since the man was essentially a walking heater “like- yeah babe I think you know more about me then anyone. I mean other then sugar but I wouldn’t want you to know as much as sugar, I told you I was a weird little kid” he jokes and I giggle, poking his chest gently 

“I know, but I mean like….Sadies my best girl friend. Well Sadie, and Syd. Like we tell eachother everything, do we tell eachother everything?” I asked and he reached for his lemon balm and tea tree shampoo I’d gotten him to start using and offered it to me. My heart melted a bit at his silent request for me to wash his hair, and I obliged, of course. Because no matter if when he left I would remember why I was upset with him last night, I couldn’t pass up an opportunity like this. To make him feel loved, special. 

“I tell you more then anyone else” he said, eyes fluttering shut as I began to work the shampoo into a lather through his curls, his hands finding my hips and resting there. 

“Would you feel safer telling everything to a stranger?” I asked gently and work the shampoo all the way back to the tight curls on the back of his neck, easing out the little knots with my nails and being sure to get every strand clean and give him a good head massage too. He hummed in the way that told me he wasn’t sure so to savor the gentleness of the moment, I dropped it. “Well chef Carmy. What is on the menu for breakfast?” I stood on my toes, grabbing the detachable shower head mumbling for him to lean his head back and rinsing the shampoo out as he explained. 

“We don’t have much honey I was thinkin avo toast with poached eggs and coffee, that sound good?” He asked and I smile, placing a gentle peck to his stubbly jaw from the night 

“You’re gonna make it extra fancy I bet cause your an artiste mon ours” I accentuate my French accent and finished rinsing his hair before squeezing the excess water from his curls and pumping a good few pumps of conditioner in my hands, and he brought his lips to my forehead, lingering for a moment and being sure to leave a dramatic kissy noise as he felt me squeezing the conditioner into his curls into a scrunching motion to form them instead of Messing them up. 

“Y’know Richie’s been givin me shit cause my hair isn’t all fuckin frizzy” he mumbled into my skin and I giggle a bit. 

“He’s jealous you have a lover that takes care of you, and your pretty curly hair” I peck his lips and grabbed the deep conditioner, combing a decent amount through before scrunching it and telling him “leave it till I get out” I peck his forehead and start the process of washing myself with my washcloth I’d sudsed up with soap before switching to my scrub net and body wash that made the bathroom smell of cherry blossoms and mint. 

“Can I use this stuff?” He picked up my Nivea in-shower lotion and I giggle a bit. 

“What’s mine is yours baby, sure. But use this before. You don’t wanna moisturize dead skin” I explained, handing him a green tea body scrub. “How you see me rub it all over my legs and arms and stuff? Also your elbows like anywhere crusty and dry. And then use this and when you get out make sure you put on real lotion”  I finished rinsing off my body and kiss his shoulder blade as he shaved his face  

“I’m peacing out, leave the lotion stuff on until you rinse your hair from the conditioner, remember to scrunch not rub, ok?” I said and he hummed In agreement. 

I got out of the shower, grabbing my pink fluffy towel from the warmer and heading to the bedroom to get dressed. It wasn’t more then 10 minutes that Carmy was out and asking me to ‘blow dry his hair nice’ so it didn’t look wild at dinner tonight, so of course after I’d gotten dressed I blew his curls out pretty while he sat at my vanity in his boxers enjoying the kisses and attention he got while I did so. 

After he’d gotten dressed for the day he got to making breakfast and I helped where I could, steaming his whites for him and making sure his chefs clogs were polished before meeting him in the small dining area of my apartment for breakfast. Of course he made me a vanilla latte just how I liked it, and making sure my eggs stayed jammy the way I always wanted them. 

“Thanks f’makin sure my stuff was all ready honey” he kissed my head and set my breakfast down in front of me. Sourdough toast, pan toasted in Vermont butter of course, with mashed avocado and everything bagel seasoning, topped with a poached egg and parsley. He also cut up some strawberries and grapes for me on the side. 

“This is beautiful just like I said it would be” I said and grabbed his hand, kissing it gently and he sat across from me, sipping his coffee. “Beautiful is stretching it but I was short on time” he squeezed my hand sweetly.

By the time we finished breakfast and brushed our teeth, he was heading out the door shortly after with a kiss to the top of my head and telling me that they were closing at 7 instead of 9 today so they could be out in time to make it for dinner.

My day with Sadie went as good as it could have, considering I answered that Carmy was ‘great!!!’ A little too fast when she asked how he was, since I hadn’t willingly brought him up myself like usual. Luckily I just chalked it up to him being ‘a little upset his old job was closing since he learned so much there’ and didn’t say much else about him after that. 

By the time he got home I was already showered and in the midst of curling my hair. “Oh- hey sweetheart.” I said and he came in the bathroom, opening up the medicine cabinet and grabbing the pepto that was almost out again, and spitting his gum out in the trash before saying 

“Hey hon” and taking a big glug of the bubblegum pink liquid before capping it and putting it back, starting the shower. “We gotta be there f’r-“

“8:50 sharp, I know baby.” I said. It was already 7:55, so I knew he was stressing out. But he had no reason to be, I was making sure to be as timely as I could so we wouldn’t be late. “I had extra time - I figured you would wanna wear your navy suit right? The one that matches that dress that I’m wearing? I pressed it.” I told him and he sighed in relief. 

“Fuckin lifesaver baby, really I love you. Can I have a kiss” he leans in and I let my curl down off the iron and look over, gently pecking his lips, tasting that sticky sweet bubblegum flavor on his lips. I reach out and rub his chest gently 

“It’s gonna be a good night, baby. A good night” I told him and he put his hand on top of mine, squeezing it gently before bringing it to his lips and shutting his eyes for just a moment. 

“A good night” he repeated in a whisper, as if it was a wish. Before heading to the bedroom to take off his whites that he didn’t have time to change out of after service. I finished my hair, shaking it out and putting in a generous amount of hairspray so it would stay all night, before going off to the bedroom to get dressed. 

I put on my special tights that I had learned Taylor wore on stage that made her legs look so shiny and soft and tanned, and slipped on my dress, looking in the mirror at myself. I smooth it down over my stomach, pouting a bit at the pudge that was new to me, not having noticed it unless I was wearing something so tight like this. I just felt so bloated lately, I should probably start going to the gym is what I was thinking as Carmy came out of the bathroom, towel low on his hips and another around his shoulders and he looks over

“Jesus babe” he comes over and hugs me from behind, rubbing his hands over my hips and stomach, trailing up to my waist and squeezing “this looks even better then when I bought it mm?” He kissed my neck and I felt my cheeks heat, a full body blush taking over. 

“It fits…tight now. I had trouble zipping it” I admitted a bit shamefully and he squeezes my bum 

“That just means I’m feeding you good doesn’t it?” He nibbles my ear gently and I giggled at the ticklish feeling, slapping his arm playfully 

“Go get dressed, mister timekeeper. I need to get my jewelry on” I mused and headed over to my jewlery box, picking out earrings and a necklace I wanted to wear. I also put on my charm bracelet that Carmy had bought me and a few rings. Of course the promise ring he gave me for our six month, sliding it on my left middle finger and admiring it with a soft smile. I adored this ring, it was beautiful and it also symbolized that Carmy was hopefully real about marrying me someday in the future. 

“Babe you wanna help me I can’t get my hair right” he called for me from the bathroom. I walked in, my black heels clicking on the tile on the bathroom floor 

“Sit love” I told him and grabbed the pomade he liked using, warming up a little in my hands and adjusting his curls how he liked them. “I love this stuff, smells so handsome baby” I told him and pecked his lips as I finished. “All done” I told him and he got up, looking in the mirror and adjusting a few pieces 

“Thank you, I should wear a watch right? I’m gonna wear a watch” he said and went back in the bedroom to where he kept his few watches next to my jewelry and grabbed the gold one that would match the jewelry I was wearing. 

“Oh! And I found these babe” I go and grab the black crushed velvet box, opening to reveal 2 golden Bear cufflinks “I couldn’t pass them up aren’t they sick!” I said and he smiled brightly. 

“Honey” he took the box, looking at them with admiration. “I love you” he tilted my face up gently and kissed my deep, cupping my cheek as he smiled into the kiss. “You’re the best” he said when he pulled away and I giggle, blushing at his compliments. 

“Here let me put them on” I said and helped put them on his wrist cuffs before helping with his watch and kissing his hand gently. “You look so handsome and you don’t even have your jacket on yet” I told him, adjusting his silky navy tie. “Well with you standing next to me, yeah,” he wrapped his arm around me, looking at us in the wide mirrored closet doors. “Y’look perfect honey” he adjusted my hair gently and his eyes racked down my figure slowly. “Beautiful” he whispered, resting his palm on my stomach and rubbing it across lovingly, squeezing me to his side.

The Uber to the restaurant was fairly quiet, but still loving. We stole little pecks and he gently rubbed my thigh sweetly. When we finally got there, we went through the ‘employee’ entrance as Carmy was told to do, and my heels echo through the empty beautiful hallway as we walk. We come to a impass where you could go left or right, and there were beautiful art motifs hanging at least 2 feet above my head. I smiled and lifted my finger as we walked hand in hand, the very tip of my manicured nail causing the little cloud to swing back and forth. 

We stopped in front of a few easles filled with photos and Carmy wrapped his arm around my waist, pointing. “That’s Luca, the guy I told you about.” He pointed to a picture and rubbed my hip “and that’s my old boss you’ll meet tonight, Chef Terry” he pointed to another picture. I felt a gentle tug at one of my curls, and turned around, giggling in delight 

“Luca!!!” I said excitedly and wrap my arms around his middle, mushing my face to his navy polo. “So nice to see you again!” I said and he rubs my back sweetly, nearly bending in half to hug me properly. 

“You too, love. Glad to see you got home alright.” He said jokingly as he pulled away and Carmy looked at us in shock 

“How do you-“

“Syd!” I said and smiled, giving him the ‘you better not pitch a fit’ look and he nodded slowly, grabbing my hand and squeezing it before Luca gave him a hug and as soon as they let go he was finding my hand again and lacing our fingers. 

“She is quite the character, mate. It’s great to see you” he pats his shoulder and Carmy nodded a bit. 

“You too uh- yeah.” He said and they looked at eachother for a moment before Luca says 

“I think uh- I think we’re all seated together, with chef Syd?” He motioned down the hall and Carmy nodded 

“Right! Right uh. Yeah, cmon babe” he told me and ushered me down the hall to the dining room where there were loads of people waiting already and mingling. I stood by Carmys side, enjoying the feeling of his hand wrapped around my hip and rubbing little strokes with his thumb. When someone came around with champagne I grabbed two glasses and offered him one 

“Thanks honey” he lightly kissed my forehead and I smiled, taking a sip and looking up at him while he talked to someone about The Bear and how things were going. Of course he said ‘ great’ ,which I mean they were technically - well not even technically - Syd had told me the other day he’s wasting so much money that his uncle is about ready to put him in a headlock, and the kitchen is running but it’s chaotic. 

I notice Luca standing alone and beckon him with my finger and he raised his brows, looking next to him as if I could be speaking to anyone else and mouths ‘me?’ And I nodded, a smile coming to my lips. 

Such a dork. 

“Nice of you to join us Chef Luca” I squeeze his arm gently and he gave me one of his stunning smiles 

“Of course, I didn’t want to interrupt” he brought my hand to his lips and gave it a friendly kiss “you look lovely by the way” he said, causing me to blush. 

“Thank you! So do you, I love this color on you!” I complimented and Carmys hand slid up my waist, squeezing gently and I looked over at him to see him with his gaze locked somewhere else. I look over the room but didn’t see anyone else that I knew so I continued sipping my champagne and talking with Syd about how she’d be decorating her new apartment. 

When we finally got seated I sat next to Carmy on the bench seat and Syd was on my other side with Luca across. I look over at Carmy to see he was still not engaged at all, and had barely spoken a word since before Luca had come over but they hugged, so I was sure it wasn’t that Luca was bothering him. I gently grabbed his hand under the table and squeezed, earning his attention. “What’s got you so focused over there sweetheart” I said just loud enough for us two to hear. 

He leaned in, lips close to my ear to be sure that no one else would hear “he fucking came.” And I felt my heart physically drop to my ass. I swallow and nod, smiling a bit so no one thought something was off and I look at him, cupping his cheek and placing a gentle kiss to his lips 

“It’s all ok, everything is ok” I told him gently and he nodded a bit, keeping our hands locked together and nervously stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. 

“So Winnie I never asked what is it that you do for work? How do you keep up with this one?” One of his old colleagues jokes and I giggle a bit. 

”Books! I was gonna be an archivist but y’know. Life got in the way so I stopped school and moved out here, and I work with Syd’s cousin actually at a bookstore and then I also work at the library.” I explained 

“Really? You’re quite sociable for someone who works somewhere so quiet and controlled” Luca said, before sipping his wine  

“Oh well- I mean. I guess it depends, I could never do what you guys do for sure. I have to be social at the library too believe it or not. You’re looking at Chicago Public Libraries most animated 5-7 year old story hour employee there is” I joke earning a few chuckles. 

“Where’d you meet this guy then? I don’t see him being the kind to hang around a library too much, Syd introduced you?” One of the other guys at the table asked and Syd laughed a bit 

“No no way that’s uh- Winnie and I were friends long before they started dating- I was actually surprised when she told me, but I guess they’re right, opposites attract and all that huh Pooh” she nudged me playfully and I smiled. 

“Yeah! That’s totally right, especially for us - right Bear?” I look over at him to see he was completely staring again at his old boss. I gently rub his thigh and he looks at me, grabbing my hand under the table again and slipping my ring off my middle finger onto my ring finger subtlety. 

“Right” he told me and I felt my heart picking up in my chest, every other thought melting from my mind and my cheeks going hot. I look over at him and he kissed the top of my head gently, resting our hands on the table, intertwined and I took a sip of wine to distract myself from not revealing a large cheesy smile or grabbing his face and giving him a big kiss since doing so in public especially around peers nonetheless would be a hard no from him and I would probably just end up embarrassing myself. Especially with his behavior as of late I’d rather just take this as a win and talk about it later. 

“Mate who are you starting down that way?” Luca finally said and I swallow thickly, wishing we knew eachother better so he would know the look I was giving him said to drop it. “It’s like how she’s looking at me now” he said to me and chuckled. 

“Yeah who are you staring at you’ve been like…hyper focused” Syd added. Carmy sniffled uncomfortably and as I went to say no one he spoke up and said 

“Don’t look but uh. Just that fucking asshole sat behind you. Cocksucker. Fuckface. Demon. That guy really probably made me very mentally fucking ill.” He went on, gaze locked on him and in unison everyone at the table of course turned and looked. 

“Wow you guys know how to gossip!” I hiss and they quickly looked back at their plates all too noticeable. I rolled my eyes, huffing a bit and sitting back. 

“Thats David fields. He’s like-“

“Not human. A fuckin’ a - a robot. I- I’m pretty sure he doesn’t eat, er sleep- or - or love. Anything. I don’t even think he loves anything.” He said, his hand moving to my thigh and gripping gently, rubbing firm circles into my skin. I saw his pulse point in his neck picking up and his breathing getting quicker, so I grabbed his elbow for his attention. 

“Will you walk me to the bathroom, Bear? I’d ask Syd but I’d feel safer if you waited for me outside” I gently squeezed. He locked his gaze on me for a moment, and I wished I could just rest our foreheads together and cup his cheeks and calm him. But that would only calm him if it was just us, I knew I had to get him out of here at least if for only a moment to breathe. 

“Course- sorry guys you’ll need to excuse us” he grabbed my purse from next to him where he was holding it for me next to his lap and handed it over before giving me his hand to help me up and leading me off to the hall where the bathrooms were. When we got there he just motioned to the ladies room silently and leaned against the wall, rubbing over his mouth nervously and looking at his watch for the time. Instead of trying to force anything out of him, I just stepped forward and adjusted his tie gently, before wrapping my arms around his middle and pulling myself to him for a hug. 

“Babe, it’s all gonna be ok” I told him and he wrapped his arms around my back, kissing the top of my head gently before resting his cheek and sighing a bit. 

“I should say something to him”

“You should absolutely not say anything, Carmy.” I said quietly. “I tell you from experience that confronting an abuser usually leads to traumatizing yourself more.” I look up at him “don’t” I said and he looked down at me for a long moment, before nodding a bit. I pecked his lips and left him, going into the single stalled ladies room and leaning against the door, sighing to myself. 

I press the bridge of my nose to dull the growing ache in my head from unintentionally grinding my teeth in stress, and took a deep breath, counting to 13 and trying my best to relax. I shook my hands for a minute to get rid of all the energy while pacing back and forth in the bathroom, naming to myself Taylor Songs songs in order of the alphabet to calm myself and get my mind off of everything that was currently going on here. 

When I felt well enough I went over to the mirror, fixing up my lipstick before washing my hands. As I shut the water off I heard Carmy say something through the door so I slowly walked over, pressing my ear to it to hopefully hear better. 

“Do you have half an hour?” Carmy said, a near sarcastic chuckle to his voice and I nervously twirl the ring on my left hand as I listened.

“You’re welcome” the other voice responded, earning a scoff from Carmen and my eyes widened a bit, my heart starting to thump.

 “I’m welcome? For- for- for what?” Carmy asked genuinely. I wasn’t sure if it would be more embarrassing if I walked out there now, or if I left him to finish what he started because this wasn’t going to end wel for him either wayl.

“You were an okay chef, when you started with me, and you left an excellent chef. So, you’re welcome.” the man said, and I really wanted to rip the door open and smack whoever the fuck had the nerve to talk to Carmy that way, and I had no doubt in my mind that it was that evil demon motherfucker who trained him in New York.

“You gave me ulcers, and panic attacks, and- and nightmares? You– you know that, right? Do you– do you understand that? I- I can’t fucking go to bed with my fucking girlfriend sometimes, because I’m - I’m too fucked up trying to -” he’s cut off

“Yeah, I gave you confidence, and leadership, and ability. It fuckin’ worked. The only reason you have a girl like that - is because I made you a leader. I made you believe in yourself” he told Carmen matter-of-factly, like he has any idea who I am or why I love him. My hands were literally shaking as I clutched the door knob, trying to find any reason to not open it, knowing myself I would embarrass Carmy by the way I would read this man to filth, and all of his colleagues and old peers were here. I had to keep it together.

My heart simultaneously shattered and lit on fire when I heard Carmy say “I’m like- i’m- i’m- i’m-I’m fucking stunned right now, I–” I wanted nothing more then to rip open the door, knee that fuckhead in the balls, and take Carmy to go get our favorite deep dish and go home to watch a movie, I knew it. I told him it was a bad idea to ever talk to this man, because I knew he wasn’t sorry.

 “Dude.” he scoffed, nearly laughing “You need to unclutch your pearls” Thats it 

I tugged the door open, ready to rip that evil fuckface a new one but before I could, Carmy said  “My life stopped.”

 “That’s the point, right?” “That’s the point?!” Carmy said, nearly breathless, like the words sucked the air right out of his lungs. 

He really expected him to at least be a little sorry.

 “You wanted to be great. You wanted to be excellent. So, you got rid of all the bullshit, and you concentrated, and you got focused, and you got great. You got excellent. It worked! You’re here, Look at all this! You have a beautiful girl, and I’m told an okay restaurant. I’m gonna go piss now.” He gives him to what anyone else would see as a friendly pat on the arm, but it was nothing but condescending and patronizing coming from him, and walked into the mens room.

I look at Carmy and he turns to look at me, a single tear falling and he shakes his head, laughing to himself and wiping it away, “Lets go take a break” he said just above a whisper. I nodded quickly and pushed my purse up on my arm, holding onto his arm and heading outside with him.

When we got outside, he stood there for a moment, his tears silently falling and wiping them away as quickly as they came. I didn’t even want to know what was going on in his mind right now, I probably wouldn’t be able to keep up. I didn’t know what else to say, so I just settled on “I’m sorry. I love you.” 

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but it wasn’t for him to just start laughing. Belly laughing, really laughing. Manic, sick and fed up laughter, but that is exactly what happened. He just laughed, for a good minute, tears still falling. “Bear-“

“It’s just fucking so funny! It’s - this whole thing my life is one big fucking joke!” He said and pats his pocket, out of habit looking for a cigarette so I pulled his gum out of my purse for him and hand him a piece. 

“This! This don’t you see how fucking funny this is. How -“ he popped it in his mouth and shook his head, leaning against the brick as he chews it angrily. 

“Nothing he said was true” I told him and loosen his tie when I saw him itching at his neck furiously, these clothes weren’t at all helping his situation. “Anything he said was to make you feel this way, Bear. He’s been taunting you all night long” I explained and he shook his head. 

“An okay restaurant he’s told but he can’t even remember my fucking name” he muttered, tugging at his tie more. “This is too fucking tight im chokin’ can you get it off?” He asked and I quickly tug it undone, folding it up and putting it in my purse. 

“Well I don’t know about okay” I said and he looks at my quickly “I’d say…it’s fantastic. I mean, this is the first year it’s been open- and it’s already nominated for a James Beard Award. That’s something you could have thrown in his face, huh?” I said and I saw a tiny twitch of a smile on the corner of his lips. 

“That’s cause’a Syd” he looks down at the sidewalk and I brush his nose playfully to get his attention. 

“That’s cause you have been pushing her, and she has been pushing you. Even though you push like 50 times harder - you get the job done” I said and he rolled his eyes, giving me a small smile and pulling me to his chest, kissing the top of my head. 

“How much of that did you hear?” He asked and rested his cheek on the top of my head, gently tugging at the bottom of my curls. 

“Enough to know that I would love to take my nails and dig out his evil eyes like melon ballers and shove them down his throat like some serial killer.” I said, closing my eyes and wrapping my arms around his middle. 

“Mm that’s hot babe. Youd do that f’me?” He muses and I giggled as his hands trail down and squeeze my ass 

“I would do anything for you. Cause I love you with my whole heart.” I remind him and his grip softens, raising his hands to my hips 

“I’ll do anything for you, promise” he said softly and the door opened, causing him to pull away and just keep his hand on my lower back which made me pout a bit. 

“What the hell happened” Syd asked, shutting the door behind her

“Nothin. Doesn’t matter. Just give us a few it’s fine.” He said and she looked at him for a long moment before looking at me. 

“It’s fine” she repeated in the way I knew she knew it wasn’t fine. 

“It’s fine. He’s ok” I assured her and nod, “thank you, we’ll be back in a second. He needs a minute.” I explained and she nodded and went back inside without anything else. 

I look back at him, crossing my arms. “So you’re ok with people thinking we’re engaged but hugging me around Syd isn’t ok?” I asked he sighed a bit rubbing his chin 

“When the fuck did I say we were engaged?” He asked and I scoff, putting my hand up where he switched my ring to my wedding finger and he rolls his eyes. 

“I was nervous forgive me for fucking around with your rings. Sorry, I won’t do it again, I didn’t know it was a subliminal message. Please, why the fuck are you looking for a fight.” I bit my lip to stop it from quivering, moving the ring back to my middle finger and swallowing the lump in my throat. 

“I’m hungry. I’d like to eat so we can go home, please.” I tried my best to keep my voice even. He opened up the door and I walked ahead of him, not bothering to hold his arm or his hand feeling completely rejected. When we sat back at the table I looked down to see that our main course was some meat covered in a kind of red oil with what looked to be little chili peppers in it. Great. 

I nibbled on the kale that was on the side, not willing to ask Carmy what it was for sake of being stubborn since I was upset with him. It wasn’t long until he realized I wasn’t eating 

“It’s not spicy.” He said in my ear. I rolled my eyes, annoyed he knew what I was thinking and cut up the food with my fork, taking a bite and continuing to ignore him. It wasn’t until the dessert course when he finally wrapped his arm around me and tugged me closer, gently rubbing my hip with his hand. “Are you gonna keep up the attitude all night, honey” he asked in my ear and disguised it with a chaste kiss to my temple. 

I look at him furrowing my brow. “You’re really gonna say I have an attitude? I’m being extremely well behaved all things considered the past week.” I said quietly “you won’t even kiss me in public. Like I’m-“ he tips my chin up and quiets me with a gentle press to my lips, rubbing over my jaw with his thumb. When he pulled away he gave me the are we done raise of his brows and I leaned into him a bit more, grabbing my wine glass and having a short sip. 

He left me alone for a while to go speak with his other old boss alone, the one who had invited us so I stuck with Syd and Luca who really seemed to be hitting it off, it made me happy considering her last boyfriend seemed to call it quits in such a way she didn’t even feel like talking about why. They were talking about cooking stuff, so there wasn’t really anywhere I could jump into the conversation so I mostly just hung back. 

When Carmy finally came to collect me I was grateful, I was tired of hanging around like a useless limb all night. Syd invited us to some kind of after party, but Carmy of course declined and said we had to get home to feed the cat which of course was his forever excuse since he’d moved into my apartment. “All things considered I think that went…okay. I guess you can say it was ok” Carmy said as we walked down the street to wait for our Uber. 

“Sure. Yeah it was fine. Food was good.” I said, still a bit upset with what happened earlier with the rings. 

“You’re still mad.” He said more like a statement then a question. 

“You’re trying to cause a fight!” I repeated his words from earlier. He snorts a sarcastic laugh, shaking his head. 

“Babe you need to stop reading so deeply into shit” he said and I scoff

“Reading into shit?! Oh sorry - sorry Carmen. We’ve been dating for a year and all of my friends keep saying when a guy knows he usually knows right away - and- and online they keep asking me how many years I’m gonna wait around before I would get the hint that you don’t wanna get married!” I said and tears fill my eyes but I use every ounce of strength left in me to hold them back. 

“Oh- yeah babe people on fucking tik tok er instagram know us. How many times have I told you that you are the only girl I’d fucking marry! So why are you so worried about when I’m gonna do it-“ he pulls his phone out of his pocket when it buzzes, probably expecting to see the Uber was close but his expression drops. 

“What wrong-“ I said and he holds up his hand to tell me to wait, his eyes quickly darting over the screen and reading something to himself. 

“Fuck- fuck- oh fuck” he said, covering his mouth with his hand his expressing growing increasingly more concerned as he head further 

“Carmen what is so important? We’re having a god damn conversation!” I snapped, annoyed he was just ignoring how upset he’d made me and took his phone out of his hand to see he was reading an article, the title being 

The Beef turned The Bear, now claims ‘luxury’ but still has the sloppiest dishes in the Chicago food scene.

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ⋘ 𝐖𝐈𝐏 ♡♡♡ ⋙

[platoapproved]

ok i'm not going to post the ask but:

to the anon who sent a message detailing your interpretation of marius' motivations in turning benji and sybelle: your message was polite and i personally don't mind that you sent it! i have to admit i don't understand the impulse of coming to someone's askbox to defend marius - you said you weren't 'apologizing' for him but why else send an ask? it is a defense if not an apology and like, i am not hurt by this in this instance, but it might be worth considering for yourself that if you had sent this message to someone else, they might've been really upset by it. people react emotionally to fiction and nitpicking at the 'accuracy' of someone's emotional reaction, especially to a character like marius, has the potential to be quite hurtful. it's good to think about these things! especially since it felt like your message really was coming from a good place and in good faith. i am sure you don't want to go around hurting people. so maybe it would be good to examine why you feel invested enough to send a message like this, and what you will gain, and the impact your words can have.

but! to the message itself:

it is difficult for me to overstate how much i do not care if marius believed what he was doing was for armand's own good. the mere belief that your actions are helping someone doesn't matter if those actions are, ultimately, taking away someone's ability to choose for themselves. especially if it is someone you have power over, especially if you know it will cause them distress. honestly? if marius had just done it to be a bastard or as a 'random flex' as you put it, it would be less horrifying. what makes him so disgusting is that he is so certain at all times that armand is a child and marius-knows-best and no words or actions armand could ever take will convince him otherwise.

it's also crucial to remember this particular choice of marius' exists within the context of taking away armand's ability to choose for himself over and over and over again. it's a pattern, and a pattern that exists within the framework of an abusive relationship.

lastly, i'm going to be real with you. i am never, ever going to give a single fuck what marius thinks he's doing or how he justifies any action of his in his head. every single cell in my body hates that fucker and always will and there will never be room for any nuance in my heart because he's gross piece of shit who should die. that's just always where i'm gonna be with him! and if that isn't where you are, that's fine. but it's not worth wasting anyone's time trying to convince me to have even a shred of understanding let alone sympathy. cold day in hell, etcetera

[the-bonfires-ember]

ok so this has a lot of facets so bear with me. standard disclaimer that this is all based on my personal experiences as a narcissistic sociopath; im not a professional and i dont speak for everyone.

anyway.

firstly, yes we do. i think prosocials/egotypicals do it too to an extent but for different reasons and in different ways.

from an aspd perspective, i get annoyed at people and it is no longer to my benefit to stick around them, ill just disappear in a classic ghosting style. frankly i never get to this point anymore because ive managed to surround myself with people i very rarely if ever find annoying. in the past, when ive befriended people and then theyve frustrated me or ive just generally found them annoying for some reason, ive either slowly extricated myself if i could keep getting stuff out of the person or just totally destroyed the relationship so that they stopped reaching out and i could stop expending energy into dodging them. in my head if someone has pissed me off, it means that its going to keep happening and theyve just finally shown me their true colours so i might as well get out now or detach myself so im not going to emotionally invested enough to get annoyed again in the future. essentially this means i stop caring about them at all. as for how fear factors in; it goes a pretty long way back into people being fundamentally untrustworthy and only beneficial in as much as i can get from them. if im putting up with more than im getting out of it, id just walk away because everyone is out for themselves and of course that applies to me too. thats the way ive been taught the world works, and if im not getting any emotional backlash for doing that, why wouldnt i? it just makes sense. im fundamentally out for myself because no one else has been there to help when i needed them in the past.

from an npd perspective, if someones annoying me its likely because i am thinking of myself as being vastly superior to them and find the annoying quirks of them to be proof of their inferiority. the fact that theyve disagreed with me or fought me on something means they dont have the degree of respect and admiration for me that they should. this usually leads to me discarding them out of frustration and ill push them away by just showing less and less interest in them, or the ways i would that i mentioned above. the fear here, as you may be able to guess, is being wrong and being weaker/worse/unworthy. for me, being right and being more esteemed than my peers was a matter of survival in my childhood, and now if someone is starting to chip into the veneer or perfection ive built and maintained they have become a threat and i have to separate before they see too much and i lose everything.

now i dont know why you - orginal messager - asked this question, or why anyone else might be looking for this informatio. i can come up with a few guesses though, so im gonna add a couple things that applies to prosocials and other things that apply to antisocials and narcissists. but ill tuck that away so you can ignore my advice if you want to and just take the analysis.

prosocials - if you have a friend with either of these personality disorders and they are beginning to withdraw theres a choice before you. firstly, you can let them. you can recognise that this person doesnt want to associate with you anymore for whatever reason and allow yourself to be at peace with that. im sure it hurts, especially after what ive said about my reasons for doing this, but if you think you are better off just letting this one go, i support that and encourage you to just slip away with a clean break.

the other option you have, if you want to try your best to keep that person with you, is to address it plain as day. its uncomfortable, yes, but try not to be confrontational. a simple 'hey, ive noticed you distancing yourself and withdrawing and i wanted to check in and find out why and whether or not we can resolve this'. perhaps its cold of me to ask this of you, im not entirely certain one way or the other. but you deserve to try and make it work if thats what you want, and the only way that happens is by addressing the problems and really, truly understanding that the behaviours we exhibit come from a place of fear and the memory of pain. they are trauma disorders. and while trauma does not excuse harmful behaviours it does no one any favours to ignore that its the root of the problem. maybe your friend will brush you off, thats true. they might not be ready to look deeper and thats their right. at which point youve done all you can and now you need to prioritise yourself. but maybe youll make your friend reevaluate, maybe they want to heal. and you can be such a huge part of that by just asking the questions and really listening to the response. its hard work, i know, but i will always be so grateful for the people who made me stop and look at myself and really see.

the third choice is you pretend its not happening and just wait to see if they get past it and come back. they might, its not implausible, but to me this feels like inviting yourself to be treated poorly again later when symptoms flare again and those fears react to something you dont understand or know about.

pwASPD and/or NPD - im not going to try and tell you that you owe it to the people around you to recover. im never saying that. recovery is your decision and it should only be for you. i chose recovery because i wanted to see what i wasnt able to before, and it has been so fucking hard. but id do it again in a heartbeat. its important to note though that i got lucky. really really fucking lucky, and id be doing you a disservice if i pretended otherwise. on that note, here is my advice for those who want to get better and those who dont:

if you dont, if you dont want to see the fear that is reacting to the perceived threat, if its still too painful to look at, just dont. let yourself be blind to it and find comfort in the ways you can. its not cowardly, and its not pathetic. sometimes forcing yourself to stare into a fire is more damaging than its worth, and you are the only one who can decide if it is or not. only you know how close to that fire you are. perhaps its better to distance yourself from this person even if its just for now, or perhaps its better to leave entirely. it depends on how uncomfortable you feel. but i suggest figuring it out quickly and saving yourself the trouble that will come if you string someone along for too long. its always blown up in my face eventually, for what my experience is worth, so deciding on your next move sooner than later saves you a lot of trouble. but perhaps the perks are better than the blow up later on. who am i to say.

if you do want to recover though, firstly, give yourself some credit. the way you are reacting is because this has kept you alive and safe this long, dont let yourself forget that. you arent ridiculous or pathetic or cowardly or whatever else your brain might be saying you are. you are alive, and you are deciding to grow past your trauma and the responses youve learnt to cope with it and thats fucking huge. dont forget it. now the first thing you want to do is really look at what is making you uncomfortable. something is, but itll take some digging. these survival methods run deep, and tracing back to the root of the issue will take time and a lot of work and so much fucking courage. its not easy, im not going to lie, but you can do it. you are worth the time and the work it takes to get the things you want for yourself. find out whats messing with you and see how you can resolve it, either by discussing it with your friend and letting them support you or just rationalising it with yourself. understand that you are able to keep yourself safe, you just have to figure out what you are afraid of being vulnerable to. youre going to be ok, and for the record, im really proud of you.

obviously to everyone: do whatever the fuck you want to forever. im not here to tell you to change your entire life just because i say you should, even im not that egotistical. im just offering my experiences and observations, its up to you what you do with them.

[privatebooth]

Okay, so years after its release I finished DAI, but tbh I only ever played it to see Hawke and hear what the world had to say about him and my warden. ok, also to meet the new companions personally

I did not enjoy it very much (don't want to say hated it because it had some fun bits), despised combat so much I chose to skip it altogether by using a cheat to instantly kill all hostiles, because dammit I just wanted to see the story for myself and the casual mode was not casual enough for me. No, I'm not going to rant about that game, that's not the point.

Even if it was not as emotionally engrossing as the previous 2 games, it still fucked me up. These last few days I spent trying to come to terms with it.

That Hawke was the one to stay in the Fade is a given for me now, because the story simply doesn't work otherwise. Yesterday I was thinking about how much I'd love to see Fenris and Carver working together, possibly somehow going into the Fade themselves to get Hawke out.

Then my stupid brain proposed to make it so only one of the three of them could get out (don't care about the details, those are basic concepts), and of course it had to be Carver, because we must protect him at all costs, and Fenris would choose to stay with Hawke no matter what where and when anyway. They would never be parted again, and i don't really understand how the Fade works, but maybe they could actually settle there? ascend to another plane of existence together, and how the hell do beings of flesh manage in the realm of spirits? And how do they die there and what happens to the bodies and aren't souls of the dead supposed to go to the Fade or something? I am so not good at processing Lore...

And then I thought to myself, what the hell, aren't I a pro at bending canon to my will? I overwrote the Mass effect universe to have Shepard, Kaidan and Ashley happily settle down as a throuple and my brain now accepts it as canon and nothing else matters.

Then why can't I overwrite the tiny relevant plot of Inquisition, and simply have Hawke and Fenris appear there together and work as a battle couple and solve the problems together like they're supposed to? Don't need to account for other variables and worry about fitting any technicalities.

I can make it happen.

[greengirllover]

Ok I want a mental illness lore, trauma lore if ur comfortable with and a whole chart of your exes.

BUCKLE UP EVERYONE

ok so i was diagnosed with insomnia, OCD and anxiety pretty young, at the age of 11 i would wake up at 3 am every morning and watch the news and have a few cups of coffee while shaking about hearing about violent crimes and laws being passed on the news, almost nothing i said when i was younger made any sense, i would talk in riddles i would say things like “the grass was gray and the streetlights were bright but it was dark and the wind” so then they started testing me for a bunch of stuff and the results were always inconclusive, i was then diagnosed later with depression and anorexia, i started drinking and smoking at 12 and i’ve been at it since

now for my ex’s 🤗

i’ve only actually dated two people bc i’m not a fan of relationships, i talked to this one guy in middle school, he came over and i wouldn’t fuck him so he ran outside in the middle of winter and walked around my neighborhood until he could get picked up, i talked to this other guy in freshman year and he tried to get me drunk so i would send him nudes and he called me mommy all the time and i’d just stand there like 🧍🏻���♀️, after this most of the people i dated were drug dealers, the one who used to wake me up when i would pass out was a dealer, he would bring me to random peoples apartments, places under bridges and his dealers, he brought me to see someone’s kittens once but the people pulled out a katana on us and then their landlord chased us all out of the house, then his friend tried to fuck me, asked me to do his drug test for him so he didn’t go to jail but they randomly tested him and he got sent away, this one i almost forgot about bc he wasn’t a boyfriend he was a stalker, he would give me comics and stick love letters in them going in detail specifically about my eyes and hair, he said he wanted to peel my flesh off and eat it and he had a hair kink and would ask girls to send him videos of them shampooing their hair, also he brought a knife to school after he said he wanted to eat my flesh, then there is my ex girlfriend i actually dated her and she used to put me down constantly and used to bite me so hard that i’d scream in pain and beg her to stop and i would have bruises all over me but i’m not gonna lie she was really hot but crazy in an abusive way so ew, then we have the only man i’ve ever come close to loving, i met him freshman year, we had mutual friends, we were so close that if someone was trying to find me they would go to him and vise versa, he had the most beautiful smile i’ve ever seen and he was probably the funniest person i’ve ever met, we used to go on walks together all the time and i would normally end up almost passing out because i wasn’t eating at the time, he used to buy me apple juice and sit with me while i waited until i was okay enough to keep walking, but i was very sick then so i didn’t treat him very well (emotionally) i also thought i was a lesbian and i was scared that if we started dating and then i found out that i was a lesbian i would really hurt him and i was also terrified of any man touching me and he knew that, i ended things with him and it really fucked him up since we had been friends for so long and i was dismissive of his feelings for me, i found out later that he would talk about me all the time and he told his friends that he was happy just being near me and that he would be okay never even touching me, so then when i started eating again and was thinking more clearly i realized that he was everything to me but he said he would only date girls that were the opposite of me so he could never be hurt like that again and now he has a girlfriend who screams at him all the time and i still miss him that’s about it i have a few more but they were relatively uneventful

now my trauma lore 🙌🏻🙌🏻

so i’ll just go over a few things, there’s a long line of sexual abuse in my family and because of that most of the people in my family are practically dead because they are so disassociated from reality, i was assaulted by this one guy in his car and got blamed for it and was made to apologize to the people who forced me into that situation for “blaming them” and after i was assaulted the people i was with wouldn’t take me home and they instead brought me to another guys house and left me alone in his basement with him at midnight, it was my first time meeting him and he put his hands on me too, i got stalked a few times, once by a guy from school the guy i mentioned before and another time by this car of guys that would follow me every time i would go on a walk because they memorized my schedule, also my dad used to cry while holding me while i slept and thought i never knew, also i was left alone a lot all my life so most of my life was spent having to eat cold food (i didn’t know how to cook) and having to take care of my sister who is the same age as me

ok that’s about it if u read this whole thing i love you

[bitchy-peachy]

Advice Somewhat and Some Shit to Sensitive Haters Stalking My Posts

My area is getting ready for those wonderful Trump import tariffs.

A cheap deodorant in a local pharmacy that costed $3.45... Now costs $8.45. Saw it just this morning.

Yes, that's how local businesses are preparing for your totally-going-to-lower-prices Cheese Puff Papi's economic plan.

Pretty sure certain people will blame democrats for it but hey, republicans love to break it so democrats can fix it. I don't even know how this shitass party still gets votes but then I see its either rich people that get big tax cuts and brainwashed people that were unfortunately taken advantage of through disguised lies that vote for this crap.

Also including racists and phobes because that's another tier in this dumbfuckery cake of ignorance.

I want my mutuals to be ready for what's coming next year. I've lived long enough to know shit will get bad for everyone that makes under a certain level of money in their finance bracket.

I want you to buy stuff that's necessary before these businesses keep hiking up prices and I want you to be try to only use money for necessities. Even I have cut my budget in wait to see what happens next.

I'm somewhat ok financially (for now. Now I will have to recalculate everything with the potential and percentages of Trump's Tariffs looming over all of us) and unlike the 6 times bankrupted god, I know how to actually use and administer our finances without destroying my whole family and leaving us in the poor house.

I will probably have to write a guide at this point cos I even know survival skills after natural disasters as well as the banking system... A bunch of simple acquired knowledge that I never thought would be so necessary with what's coming up ahead.

This morning was a wakeup call and reminder that we need to take things seriously to prepare ourselves and our families. We'll need to save, stock up, be a little more frugal

I'm frugal af as it is until I have "fun funds" accumulated to finally relax. People think we only got to "survive" rather than actually "live". Don't ever let someone tell you you can't have nice things and good food and a good quality life just cos you are poor. Rich people act like our existence is to do cheap work for them while only eating stale bread and drinking contaminated water. They see everyone that isn't wealthy as part of their serfdom to do their bidding.

You deserve better.

Anyways, I'm rambling but right now... These times up ahead are a challenge even for me who has survived homelessness and natural disasters that lead to darkness for 6 months. I now feel like I'm in school again doing mathematical exercises and sorting to be ready for another terrible event looming up ahead (we never can catch a break, huh?)

I joke around a lot on here about maga getting what they voted for but the reality is that they're not the only ones getting effed up for them being so painfully stupid and completely lacking in basic critical skills when voting.

I want my mutuals that are in vulnerable situations to do everything to be safe. This is the best advice I can give for now because I sincerely want those that can be potentially affected to be mentally and emotionally ready. I'm here for my friends and even though I'm ranty I am still strangely at ease that we will as a community be fine.

On to another subject.

It's obvious to everyone that follows me that I despise maga. Especially with my relative ones that think I'm morally obligated to help them mitigate the consequences of their own actions. They can't even admit when they fuck up and can't handle confrontation with facts so I don't see a point in saving them. Considering how they voted, they really don't give a shit about me or my own family.

The help that was going for them will go for other people that are flying in next week that definitely need more help than my relatives. My relatives can ask Trump for help in their housing, medical bills etc since they spat on my help by endangering my entire family that falls almost into every category Trump wants to fuck up and make "illegal".

If I do this with actual blood relatives... Imagine what I do to strangers trying shit with me as if I owe them friendship, activism or my time.

I've been ranted at and blocked 5 times over the past week by maga that just can't handle shit I had to tell them. They also mostly approached me so they're the ones going around like the biggest Loser Winners on everyone that isn't pro Trump.

Most recent fun times was a loser calling me mentally ill (weird, cos I'm pretty sure the one that studied criminological psychology is me and not some unappealing mediocre male that reblogs naked women that will never fuck him) and after he raged he blocked me.

I'm online for fun and friends so I do act unhinged and unprofessional af. Why am I gonna bore myself online with a professional veneer (and before some useless maga tries get me "fired". I retired ages ago, sweetums. LOL) when I'm supposed to just relax on here?

I like explicit horror and cats, rats and bats. I write weird shit. I don't have to act like I'm at work all the time with proper diction and I'm not the only "shitlib" that is like this online. One of my best friends who plays horror games with me is surgeon and we both cuss like truckers and have slumber parties.

Meh.

Despite all this, I am appreciative of me, a retired old goth witchy lady, being fake diagnosed by someone with impressive 5th grade level knowledge. I gave easy to find facts and it somehow hurts people into calling me "retarded". I'm done being nice to your ilk and will be giving out just as much shit back as you have done to me.

There's nothing worse in an election than an uninformed voter in an echo chamber. You guys got fed your "facts" from echo chamber social medias and outlets. It's not my fault my factual words hurt you. It's your own for not waking up out of that propaganda induced coma. A lot of you don't even know what communism and social democracy actually are before calling everyone you don't like those things.

After these elections, I now know there's no helping you. You're too far gone and our side is truly packing up and leaving you behind. Blocking, avoiding... We are done as we should have been ages ago.

If you go low, I will go lower. Tired of only one side playing nice and getting trampled on and then you hypocritically clutching at your pearls at the slightest pushback.

We will be meaner and you deserve it. You had it coming. And I'm saying it nicely on here but I've called some yall literally fucking country destroying dumbfucks that actually hate everyone, including America. (that "patriot" some of you have on bio along with Christian crosses will never fail to make me laugh. You guys hate America so much you might as well wipe your ass with the flag. Well you already do put it to your genitals with the undies and swimsuit lines with flag print. Yikes)

But what do I know? I'm just a shitty lib (not really. A lot of libs hate me cos I'm pro guns and support answering violence with even more violence meh)

I don't hate to say "I told you so". In fact I love saying it now.

Now that both of these things are outta the way, I will relax and watch some horror movies in my list. Might live post some of them.

PS: To my haters... I have a statcounter on my blog. Stop being stupid.

[kosmicdream]

im confident enough to post FFAK, which has anal prolapse, but i dont post the true drama....... my opinions about manga. *dramatic music* sometimes i kinda want to do some reviews.. its mostly me complaining.. it makes me sound so bitter like "do you like anything kosmic!" and..yes ! i do!!! okay!! i like a lot of things. once in a while, i dip my toes into a popular series to try to see if we are a good fit. Series like: Beastars, Dorohedoro, Dungeon meshi,ect.. and i kind. well. I dont like any of them LMAO. I mean, Ok, i actually really was into Beastars for a time, but after the fight with the bear guy (its been a few years sorry) and that story arc concluded.. it just spiraled to laughable levels and did not recover. I was genuinely laughing at it at times bc it kind of felt like a desperate scramble with the like. loopholes and power upgrades.. But I was invested for a time, it had a charm to me! I also loved the art and im curious about the authors next series about santa (partly because i too, am writing a story about santa). Dorohedoro has a great visual style, fun characters, i enjoyed reading but it also kinda didnt ...land for me beyond that, which is a shame. I feel like it is a series that "should" have clicked with me. And its like, not offensive to me but.. I'll forget that ive read the whole thing. I like STUFF in it. but thats not enough for me anymore. If i had read it when i was younger tho, it might have been a diff story. idk. My most unpopular opinion of all is that... I hated Dungeon Meshi.. Sure its ..pretty! cute designs. but i found it SO painfully boring and it actually was a struggle to finish. in the end, it felt like a waste of time.. SHOCKING take i know. That is the darling of everyones heart and i like, understand WHY its popular. .. but for me, i was not fed by anything. i am unfed and starved and going to eat elsewhere oh, and i.. as a person who has read a lot of fighting mangas.. I have tried to read chainsaw man, but i dont know if I can. I did finish Fire Punch. I'm surprised to say: i kinda liked it but it took a long time to force myself to read thru it. I honestly hated many aspects of Fujimoto's storytelling/character acting that i didn't think my opinion on it would change, but I'm a little more open to it now. I dont think i could ever super be into it or whatever, but i did find genuine enjoyment in aspects of fire punch. I did not really like look back. I haven't read his other one shot(s)? Where am i going with all this..I guess im giving some unrequested reviews after all...oops... a lot of this is spurred by how houseki no kuni is one of my most fav series, not only visually/characters/story/ect.. but i cant lie.... the ending... was kind of a flop for me... gorgeous and poetic ig sure but.. AUGH! it isnt what i wanted. maybe it'll be one of those "it'll grow on me" endings but thats mostly me having to go thru the 5 stages of personal grief and gaslight myself into it, but as the like actual honest first-reaction feeling it kinda lost me. I think it did not work when i felt the confrontation btwn phos/cinnabar wasn't the one i wanted to see. i will say tho, while im dissapointed, its not like a DEEP one or anything. I know its a miracle to even get to an ending.. i guess my take away feeling from it was like "everything fit together too well, too planned" but didnt feel planned, emotionally. I wasn't sold on it. Anyway, im here to speak my truth and my hot takes which, i honestly dont even want to have that one about HnK but its the real feeling i have for it.. Once again Utena's ending just has made all these other issues i have with various stories more obvious LOL

[campgender]

Hi, my friend has a chronic illness that flares up sometimes and we've been wanting to hang out but it has gotten cancelled a couple times lately bc of her not feeling well enough on the day. I want to ask her how she feels cuz I care abt her a lot and want an update but 1, I don't want her to feel pressured or like I'm asking just to ask can we hang out now, and not bc I care abt how she's feeling (does that make sense? I may be overthinking this) and 2, I genuinely wanna know how she's doing but idk what to say if she responds with her not being better, sometimes u don't feel better and that's ok but I always want to offer comfort somehow or just convey my friendship? but I feel the same everytime and don't want to sound repetitive ?

Any thoughts?

this is really kind of you & it means so much to me that you want to support your friend & are putting so much thought into it! my response is inherently based in my own experience to an extent & everybody’s different, but a lot if not all of this is stuff i’ve heard regularly from other chronically ill people. of course, don’t say anything you don’t mean – if some of this isn’t the case for you, just adapt accordingly :)

i understand worrying about being repetitive but i think that’s totally okay to do! for one thing, it can be difficult to remember things period when you’re ill, especially during a flare, & for another, internalized + societal ableism is a hell of a force. it never hurts to have a reminder that not everyone is trying to force ableist expectations onto you + your friendship & that someone cares about you!

i think you can definitely tell your friend pretty much what you told me! like, “hey, it’s okay if you aren’t feeling up for responding but i just wanted to check on you! not trying to pressure you to hang out or anything, i just care about you & how you’re doing”

honestly the most important + supportive thing people have ever told me is that it’s okay if the answer is “bad.” i’m literally like surprised pikachu meme every time somebody offers to let me vent about having a rough time & then it helps me just to talk about it. it’s really socially unacceptable to talk about chronic pain & a lot of people get frustrated when you’re complaining about the same thing & there’s not really anything they can do, so just the opportunity to be like “yeah shit fucking sucks right now” means a lot.

obv the appropriateness of this depends on the person & their relationship to disability but most of the time i’m very like, radical acceptance / embracing / etc about the fact that i’m probably just gonna get sicker, so sometimes when i’m having a rough time emotionally & am like “what if i’m this bad for the rest of my life” my gf (who doesn’t have chronic pain / chronic illness) will say something like “then i can’t wait to be there with you ❤️” & it’s more meaningful to me than i can begin to put into words.

again everybody’s different but for me one of the biggest things is when disability stuff just… isn’t a big deal to the other person. which, it’s totally okay for you to need support from others when someone you care about is going through a hard time & when things change! but abled people are constantly horrified about like, every aspect of my life, so being able to talk casually about symptoms & somebody mirror the mood / tone i set – laugh if i’m joking, be upset about the ableism i experience & not my body itself if i’m complaining about people being weird about it, taking things as they come – is so affirming.

other things that have been helpful + meaningful for me are friends sending me notes, stickers, & art in the mail – having something tangible can make me feel more “real” & part of the world, something i struggle with due to being homebound – & peer support around medical neglect, which often just looks like talking to someone after a doctor’s appointment & them reaffirming my reality / experiences & saying i didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

oh one other change in language i’ve made over time & probably picked up from a few other ill people in my life is a sort of realistic encouragement – there’s not necessarily anything wrong with “i hope you feel better soon!” because like, i get that the message is well-intentioned, but it can be awkward & difficult to receive when you don’t know if that’s gonna happen. instead, i try to tell people something like “i hope you get a bit of relief soon” or “i hope things are a little easier tomorrow.” a 7/10 pain day may be horrifying for most people, but when you’ve had a streak of 9s, it can be a much-needed taking the edge off, & i try to make space for that breadth of experience in my language.

i’ve answered a few similar questions before so i’ll add my “asks” & “faq” tags on my chronic illness blog in the reblogs if you want to browse! much love to you & your friend and feel free to lmk if you have any other questions 💓💓

[serial-serializednovelreader]

Nova’s Notes - Dracula Daily - July 27

In which Mina is even more anxious….

“No news from Jonathan. I am getting quite uneasy about him, though why I should I do not know; but I do wish that he would write, if it were only a single line.”

:(((((( it feels like Mina is almost bargaining here, asking for “only a single line” from him. I feel so bad for her because she cannot know what Jonathan is currently going through just to get home to her safely! It’s also sad because when I see this, all I can think of is the last line in his diary: “Goodbye, all! Mina!” The worst part is, she can’t even put her finger on why, her intuition is just telling her something is wrong and she should be worried. And it’s right.

“Lucy walks more than ever, and each night I am awakened by her moving about the room. Fortunately, the weather is so hot that she cannot get cold; but still the anxiety and the perpetually being wakened is beginning to tell on me, and I am getting nervous and wakeful myself. Thank God, Lucy's health keeps up.”

Yikes, that would definitely make me anxious if I was constantly being awoken by someone pacing around the room, compounded with my anxiety for my fiancé. But what can Mina do except try to sleep the best she can? And through it all, she’s only worried about Lucy’s health and how this could be affecting her. I love Mina so much, she’s so selfless. I just want her to be ok too, though. Who’s looking out for her? :(

“Mr. Holmwood has been suddenly called to Ring to see his father, who has been taken seriously ill. Lucy frets at the postponement of seeing him, but it does not touch her looks; she is a trifle stouter, and her cheeks are a lovely rose-pink. She has lost that anæmic look which she had. I pray it will all last.”

Oh, no!! Again, poor Arthur. I’m sure he hoped it wouldn’t be too serious and now his father has taken a turn for the worse. I know it may seem shallow of Lucy to worry about the postponement, but I think I can explain her logic:

1. She might be covering up her worry for Arthur’s dad and Arthur’s mental health by making it about something else. That might seem strange, but I think it’s possible that she might want to think about/talk about something more trivial than her concrete worries about her future father-in-law’s health and how her fiancé will take this sudden turn in his health. The more time she’s worrying about when she’ll see him again, the less time she’ll worry about how he’s doing emotionally (not the best coping mechanism, but I’ve seen it — and done it — before).

2. If she can’t see Arthur, she can’t comfort him. Letters can only do so much. :(

3. Deep down, she may be insecure about her place with Arthur. What if he doesn’t love her as much as he says/she dares hope? What if he decides to cancel the engagement after he sees to his father since they haven’t seen each other in a while? It may not have even been that long, but that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I don’t think this is a case of Arthur not demonstrating his love to her enough, but rather her own anxiety taking over her thoughts.

Concerning that she had an anæmic look, but I’m honestly not worried about this — I think she was just worrying and she looked a bit pale because of this (I could go into why I’m not concerned, but that’s verging on spoilers — let’s just say I think Lucy’s fine, just worried).

This last sentence breaks my heart a bit for Mina because she’s not just talking about Lucy’s healthy looks here. She knows lots of things are on the verge of changing: Lucy’s health while sleep-walking (she could catch a cold or get outside!!), Jonathan’s health (what if something bad has happened to him — or what if he’s changed his mind too 😳), and Arthur’s father’s health. Her intuition is saying that something is wrong here, but obviously she can’t confide to Lucy. Two-thirds of those worries are things that would worry Lucy further and the last point with Jonathan would only add a new burden. Besides, it might make the possibility of Jonathan in bad health (or worse) too real, if that makes sense. Hopefully, things will look up soon.

That’s it for this one!

[princessbratzblogz]

pt 1000 of fangirling over my girlfriend

so we had an argument and we both are very clingy with the other but because of the argument I was very sensitive all day and so she was too. my sensitivity is overly sensitive and hers is numb and lacking emotionally availability.

triggers, blah blah. but we make up and talk right? but all day we still needed time to feel feelings about not just the argument but why it was there, me and her versus the problem ok cutesy and demure.

aka taking space (we hate it but take it when needed)

after we make up officially and we are engaging normal and softly again. (My emo ass was beyond grateful we made up fr fr and she grows so much for me it’s beautiful but anyways.)

I just finished putting our things away from our makeup smoke sesh, I walk into the room of our apartment we sleep in, and she pushed me on the bed and starts kissing my neck.

I have audhd, so one of my biggest unwillingly turnons is surprises. normally don’t catch me off guard like ever, but only with her am I calm enough around to have it down. she get me so horny, but I feel so like autistic and unmasked. ughhh and she ate my pussy and called me princess and that she kisses the ground I walk, and that she was sorry for being emotionally unavailable and I was communicating with her too. but imagine doing that while she’s sucking my sensitive nipples :(((( anddd rubbing and kissing and tonguing down my clit. she just lifted my skirt after I was laid down and talked to me and made up with me while fucking the shit out of me?

I think this concept i experienced is called makeup sex. wonderful.