#physically i am the weakest and least healthy i have literally ever been.

[ghostzzy]

there is just. no area of my life in which i am feeling fulfilled or successful. and there hasn't been in several years.

[nickywhoisi]

HAAAAAAAHHH SO IT HAS BEEN A WHILE

Curently in a place where I can finally access battery for my phone, and internet. I really wish I didn't have this take so long, as I apparently...have an audience now? Who actually likes what I have to say and provide? O_O wowzers I am so unready for this love. But it is...you have no idea how welcome it is, to just be noticed by people. It has been ACTUAL AGES OF MY LIFESPAN before I was evr given a proper chance at healthy attention, and positive relations like this. I am so...overwhelmed, but for once, that's in a good way. For once, I can feel glad and good about it.

Which is especially importantin my life, as I have...kind of lost everything I had once known and valued, loved, in my life. My home many years ago that has only gotten worse over time with the strangers owning and tearing it up in ways I vould never even describe, the last places I had which were at least places I tried to relax and enjoy myself in and attempt to start my own life on my own terms, which didn't really happen as I wanted, even any other place which had a bath, private toiletry and no rent pay which was always more my speed of living to begin with, family that revealed their true ugly nature over time. Everything I ever knew got upended and I feel very driven insane. And in this year I was sickeningly and mercilessly kicked out, WITH NO FINANCIAL SAFETY NET OR FRIENDS OUTSIDE OR ANYTHING ELSE TO FALL BACK ON, MIND. I WAS LITERALLY THROWN OUT TO DIE BY THE ONE WHO WAS CALLED "MY MOTHER". But the truth is, I have never in my life had a real mother, or entire family, no matter how hard or how long I've been searching. And there were so....no, too much that happened inbetween then and these few months, up to this month, where I am officially homeless. I have already spent days sleeping outside and it has been both freeing, but terrifying. I can't enjoy the freedom while I've been scared of problems arising from being hit by weather storms. I have had to teach myself and macgyver so many things just to ensure unexpected things don't happen outside, and I still don't know what I'm going to do when I finally need a shower. The only funds I have left anymore are what I have to pay a storage, my phone data plan, and buy food ONLY. Anything else for survival, I have to either rely on what I already own or buy the cheapest possible to conserve money. I was so afraid that I would never have internet or power again and I wouldn't be able to contact you all or ever have fun again, but thank god there's been free wifi spots and charging stations set up in certain places so I can camp out. As fir sleeping, I only have one chair to lug around and it has been SO IMPOSSIBLY TIRING SOMETIMES but at least I have something with a hood over me, and the additional protection of building roofs. I almost...feel both the weakest I've evr been, and physically stronger everyday, and I am so damaged and driven insane with rage and grief and I wantto die because it has been truly unbearable to GO THROUGH ALL OF THIS AND STILL NEVERBE HELPED...RESCUED BY ANYONE. I...just want to be adopted by a good family and brought to a real good home, to stay forever, and forget I ever went through this. Truly start my life all over and begin it like it deserved to be.

So to anyone who has bothered to read this...my god, thank you. I did say once that I wanted to only save this blog for fun happy good things, but so far, my real issues and situations have bled through in my speech anyway, so I think there's no going back now. Now that you know my story, I desperately ask that someone help me out. I live in Canada, around 80ave, in a red chair with a little canopy cover on it. That's all I can really say safely, without being doxxed for my identity. I don't want anyone but the right people to find me now...just to help me, rescue me from this homeless, familyless, friendless, joyless hell I have to face now, without any choice of my own. But for once, I want my choices to matter, AND be finalized, unchanged, unchallenged, unstolen away from me. I AM SO TIRED AND DEAD. I WANT TO DIE EVERYDAY BECAUSE NOONE AND NOTHING IS ALLOWING ME TO LIVE, THE WAY I ONCE EARNESTLY WANTED TO. GOD, HELP. ME.

[sith-shenanigans]

3, 6, 13 for the oc rivals meme?

3. most humble vs most arrogant

Hmm. Most humble... I have a few characters that kind of slam into the other end through sheer self-hatred, but I am now realizing that actual healthy humility is not very common among my OCs. I'd default to Velnira, but it actually isn't her; she's definitely not arrogant, but humility is probably her weakest point in the standard virtues. She is, after all, someone who carefully weighed doctrine against her actual experiences and then became a heretic—once she has reasoned through something, she is very hard to move. Honestly, Velnira probably sits firmly in the middle point here.

The actual most humble of my OCs is... probably Amistiode. Even after killing the Emperor three times, becoming the Alliance Commander, and a brief stint as protector of the known galaxy, he never stopped thinking of himself as a padawan in over his head. Sure, he had a great destiny, but destiny's not something you choose. And yes, he's done a lot of great things—but that's what Jedi are supposed to do, isn't it? They help people, in whatever situation they're in and on whatever scale they can. He's not really any better or worse of a Jedi for having been able to work on a wider scale than most.

Most arrogant is also somewhat difficult, for an entirely different reason—namely, that my mental green room is absolutely packed with Sith, who do not tend to be particularly humble under the best of circumstances.

That said, it did become obvious after I rifled through a few potentials.

It's Hestera, as everyone probably could have expected. She is practically composed of confidence—the sort of confidence that burns like a star and pulls people in with the same kind of gravity. She is that fire down to her bones, and while keeping it in check isn't in objective terms the most difficult thing she's ever done, it's certainly the thing she's struggled with the most.

Despite her best efforts, she still misses the time she wasn't trying.

6. most serious vs silliest

This one is also tricky—I have a lot of characters that lean to one end or the other, but none who really stand out above and beyond the rest.

I think most serious will have to go to Yara Valton, my Exile—she does have a sense of humor, but it's sardonic and wry and darker than the void. She doesn't make jokes, only the occasional snarky comment, and she's much more likely to just flash a cynical smirk than say it out loud. She's the martyr that wouldn't die, and levity can't help her now.

Most silly... disqualifying the characters who snark as a defense mechanism and the literal children, maybe actually Brakerre? Her mission is as deadly serious as the apocalypse, so why take anything else with too much severity? When it's time to do her work, she's all unflinching determination—but she still spent all of Ziost flirting with Lana in between mission objectives, despite fully assuming she was going to die in a few hours. Maybe a few days, if she was lucky.

And if Brakerre was going to sacrifice herself to kill an eldritch abomination, then she sure wasn't going out without a last kiss.

13. most forgiving vs most grudgeful

Most forgiving is easy—that one would be Velnira, who has never earned a dark side point in her life and who is willing to offer a second (or first, for that matter) chance to anyone who seems like they need one. She recognizes that you can't save everyone—but you can save everyone who wants to be saved.

(Except one. But her sister has always been a stubborn woman, and she will never be saved until her people are too.)

There's some stiff competition for least forgiving.

Yara is definitely a candidate—Vitiate tore her spirit apart and flung it into dark space, and she spent 300 years clinging to the physical realm as little more than the memory of a grudge. But, honestly, a lot of mine would do similar if it came to that, and so I think she probably ties with others.

Sirue is also a possibility. You have to be pretty kriffing spiteful to decide, despite having just escaped from slavery and being nothing resembling combat-trained, that the proper way to honor your (allegedly) dead girlfriend's memory is to hunt Sith. Not immediately, of course, but pretty much all the credits she earned over her plotline that didn't go into ship or crew maintenance went towards funding her quest for vengeance. And it worked—she's one of the few people in the galaxy who routinely holds their own against active Force users without being one themself.

This culminated in Sirue and her crew being the ones who went up against Darth Decimus on Corellia. I haven't entirely worked out the details of the fight (aside from starship weapons getting involved), but the result put Sirue out of commission and into a kolto tank for weeks to months—and left the galaxy down one Dark Lord.

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 74

it’s been too long. there’s a lot. let’s see how long i can go.

i’ve been putting this off, i attempted sleep less than two hours ago because watching tv makes me tired, but then i laid down and was wide awake and have just been doing nothing and now i’m gonna do this motherfucking journal if it kills me. 

i literally have had so much trouble just getting myself to journal, like right now i have no clue where to even start it’s been so long. i guess we’ll just go where my brain goes? i’ve got music in the background so maybe the lyrics will help.

i’m fucking tired.

i really don’t want to do this. i need to do this. i really don’t want to. i’m just delaying. why face my feelings and thoughts if i can just continue ignoring them, giving them five seconds of screen time on my finsta every now and then? 

i need to write it all, but where to start? i guess the predictable, one of the things that bothered me first. 

you know who already.

he texted, asking if i wanted “to attempt a group hangout prior to school starting” which was absolute bullshit and brought up so much. idk, if it happens i’ll go along with it. “okay”. why would he care? why propose this idea at all? last i heard, he could care less if we ever talked again, and i just needed closure, which is why i reached out to him in the first place. so why would he reach out about this? why, why, why, it makes no sense to me! if one could care less, why ask to make things easier for me, for me to have a shot at having a trial run? why, why, why, i have absolutely no idea. and of course, we haven’t talked since, and i really don’t want to see him again, but my luck would probably have me running into him the first day that he’s on campus. why, why, why. i have so many questions that i’d love answers and explanations to because none of this makes sense to me, but also, i don’t want to ask them because i think the answers, whatever they are, would make things so much worse for me. i don’t need to hear that he actually does want to be friends and is just to much of a coward to apologize and say that, or worse, the answers could be worse, but i don’t want to entertain the idea of what they could possibly be. i don’t need this toxic of a relationship in my life anyways. and then there was the thing when i was with gabby and jon. i’m so tired. but now i’m on a processing/analyzing roll and i can’t stop now. okay, here we go, i’m more awake now. let’s go. so, gab and jon, we all hung out, no therapy this time, but that’s okay. i was dying of cramps and being at work all week, and so i fell mostly asleep, hearing background noises but not being conscious enough to process any of it, which is the perfect state for my brain to bring up stuff and fuck me over. and i remembered two things. one was when i was asleep in matt and cole’s on the sack, and joselyn and matt were watching something or other on the bed, and i was in the same state, almost asleep, and i was tossing and turning a lot and joselyn was worried about waking me up, when matt said something along the lines of “it’s fine, she always sleeps like this, tossing and turning, but she never wakes up.” and remembering this was like a punch to the gut. we were so close before summer, that he knew how i slept, and i know it’s a stupid thing to be fixated on, but we were close enough that i felt comfortable enough to sleep around him and with him and he paid enough attention to how i slept, and now, now i don’t want to see his face because everything got so fucked up. and the second one was where i took a nap and just kinda held him out of comfort, and he let me and only moved when i re-positioned myself naturally. why did i let myself get close, why did i get so close so fast, we all know that we can’t let people close too fast because then it’ll crash and burn and i’m still scared it’ll happen to everyone else around me, because i’ve never had anything last long and through big changes without something happening and falling apart, how does anyone even do this, there’s such a risk. this whole situation is oh so helpful to my trust issues, i really don’t know how long it’ll take to fully heal from this, because right now it’s like a kinda fleshy wound, and i’m going to be exposed to dirt and sand and it’s gonna get worse, and maybe some parts on the edges will heal before then, but it’s still gonna leave a huge scar. 

wait, why am i apologizing for something that you started, know that i overreacted and i’ll apologize for that

it’s a product of how i was raised.

we’re gonna leave it at that for him. any more attention in these journals for him and i’m really gonna break down. he broke me. 

what was the other thing that i needed to write about? i can hardly remember. if i think hard enough, i can remember? or just skip it for now until i do remember?

ahh. i remember. another tough thing to think about. 

i can’t try and date or go out with guys for a while. i’ve come to the conclusion that i rely too much on trying to find someone to make me happy, and of course, there’s the whole trauma from the mess that was matt, (we all know that has left me in no shape to attempt a relationship as was evident when i made an attempt with the tinder guy)

uh huh i don’t know what it is i feel, but i know it’s my emotions going in for the kill

(where was i again?) and there’s also the fact that i need to really pull myself together before i attempt to be around someone else romantically. there’s also the whole i-don’t-really-like-my-body-currently-and-need-to-get-in-shape-and-start-running-again-before-i-feel-more-satisfied-with-myself thing. which is i think frustrating for me, because i never felt like it did much for me, like it was fun, but i never saw that it did much, but maybe i wasn’t running enough. i’ll run if i’m still awake at 6, maybe that’ll help things. we’ll see. i probably won’t be awake because journaling is so draining, i’m exhausted and still feel like there’s more to cover (i.e. crying, parents, etc.). but anyways, where was i? i am not happy with my body, physically, because i feel like i haven’t really been super healthy, because i’m either not eating for hours or feeling like anything i eat is overeating and unhealthy. which is not a good mindset to have, but also, if i just start snacking, i’m eating high sugar foods and not using the energy at all, which just means fat. i justify by saying i have to make up for the calories i’m not eating, right? i think in general, i need to just be more healthy, and start running again, and maybe i can work on being happier in my own skin. which is important, i gotta make myself like myself more before i can expect anyone else to like me. 

omg there’s so much to cover because i also remembered i need to cover going home and the whole chloe thing too. this journal is never ending i swear. maybe i will be up til 6am but because i can’t finish the journal and am still working through shit. 

anyways. i had like 6 tears in total so far for this journal and all i’ve written and you wanna take a guess what i was writing when these tears made their debut? yeah, pretty sure you guessed it. i know i need to actually cry, but now that i think about it, before july, i hadn’t really cried since february, and before then, march ‘18? after ucla and ucsd i think was the last time before. i hate crying with a passion. especially being seen crying and part of me is still surprised note that panic attack crying doesn’t count because that’s a different cry still surprised that i called jon and let her see that and hear that. i hate to see it like this, but that was an extreme low point where i was my weakest, but also, i needed to be around someone and i guess i trust her the most right now, but also, i have the strong persona that i feel like upholding, and yeah i can talk about having low moments, but showing those points to others is weird for me. like that a side of me that i barely even see myself, so why show anyone else? that and i feel like i’ve grown up with a stigma on crying. like you have to have a good reason to cry, and for my siblings, anytime they cried it was because they missed her, cut the bullshit, that’s not why you’re crying, and of course that was the ultimate get away free card. i haven’t played that card (unless of course i actually meant it). and come on, my dad didn’t even cry at the funeral, him and his subtle machismo. i cried for like five minutes during the mass, and then was the shoulder to cry on for my friends. so why cry now? i’m the strong one in the picture, deal with the tears when it becomes unbearable. i can deal with this for the time being. 

it’s been an hour and a half since i started working on this journal and have made some progress, and well, i still have more to write about. 

so. going home. that brings up a lot. there’s the whole argument with my dad, mostly, about my lack of communication and his immature and inappropriate communication. which, speaking of, i should call my mum tomorrow. i don’t want to hear my dad’s voice right now, so i have to do it before he gets off work and when he’s not on lunch. and there’s the whole church thing, and the fact that i haven’t gone since late july and will definitely have to go that weekend, and will probably have to deal with them complaining and trying to guilt me into going. i’m glad that i sandwiched the trip in between volunteering because i know that i can’t stay too long before going crazy and having an excuse to come back makes it easier for me. and there’s also the whole seeing chloe thing can you tell i’m tired and just trying to finish this, i’m rushing this all to at the very least get my thoughts down, and i can come back to these things in the morning, i got the more important things taken care of which will be awkward for me because i feel like on my end, we’re barely friends and there’s so much that i can’t tell her because i don’t want to tell her and we’d also probably be interacting in front of family and they’ll expect us to be a certain way. frustrating. also, the whole parental influence on this relationship is annoying as fuck. it would be easier for me to end relationships on my own terms if my parents are overly involved and are also friends with my friends. that’s part of why the whole thing with bridget was drawn out for so long. also, i feel like eventually i should go over all that, because i haven’t really, and that is the true root of my trust issues. 

there’s definitely more that i could dig into with all this, especially the last bits, but hey, i did the thing. i got the big things down and in more detail and analysis, so that’s the important part.

i’m fucking exhausted oh that’s the other thing, i need sleep, i haven’t slept more than 6-8 hours since at least a week and a half to two weeks ago time to get some motherfucking sleep. 

hasta luego.

regreso pronto (despues de dormir mucho).