#but at this point i dont even want to talk abt it anymore so. i guess ill just chill today hh | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

puppppppppy · 7 months ago

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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way

#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION #listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc #time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our #own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that #and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt #wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal #whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it #i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in #the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time #but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every #day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more #of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts #i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head #than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well #being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own #like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it #and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo #and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience #the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes #no offense krobus #yapping #stardew #stardew valley #puppy plays sdv #sdv #this game has me by the ankles man

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faaun · 8 months ago

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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao

#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her #and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that #bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control #AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern #which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have #become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and #then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see #the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then #immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now #hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him #she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women #bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely #fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are #capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the #like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond #or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to #feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe #months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time #its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like #there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she #wouldnt show up and ive been right each time #like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at #them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all #anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it #and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy #and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way #its just AUSHD AUGH #anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore

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cielosuerte · 2 months ago

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something distinctly sad & frustrating internally about watching someone go through something chronically awful & similar on the face of it to your own horrors & wanting to reach out and talk to them about it to offer support & knowing that by nature of the similarity that is almost definitely the last thing they want/need & so you have to sort of watch from afar and psychically beam your words at them and hope it clicks soon

#the paradox of never wanting to be a burden. of becoming someone that doesnt annoy anyone #is that you feel guilt for talking about the pain with others #and so. you falsely but understandably think isolation will be the perfect solution #''if i isolate then im suffering but if no one hears about it no one cares and no one is bothered so i win''#is a fundamentally cruel take. is the thing. and it is so hard to accept that because of the guilt and the feeling that there is no winning #but the thing is when you isolate and suffer people are now both worried about you and feel discarded. feel hopeless. etc.#and i dont think you should do everything for others. and i think when you are making choices for others it is worth being #realistic about what you are deciding for them and knowing when it is irrational #bc the thing is people do care and that does feel uncomfortable #and you do feel guilty for people being ''bothered'' by your suffering #and i understand the instinct to say no! the point of me isolating is so you dont feel bad about me! stop caring!#thinking this is the righteous thing to say to someone when really it is just something that hurts to hear #i'm still learning it too. i'm not perfect at it. i'm chronically suicidal and always going back and forth with myself about all the horrors #two things:#1) guilt is not absolute as an indicator of rightness. learn to recognize when it is lying to you.#2) the best way to unburden yourself to others is to not kill yourself. to find hope or curiousity or whatever will keep you alive and #grab it fiercely with both hands. to start to be kind to yourself when it's hard and to at least recognize the goodness of others #instead of cruelly dismissing them. i don't think therapy is the only answer or even the best answer. i think too much is too expensive #to suggest anything that isnt something you can do on your own #and it is fucking hard and feels impossible and you'll have a lot of bad moments with it but like. i know you can get to a place where #you're not cured but you're not cruel anymore. and it gets easier from there #ugh none of this will ever get to that guy but i just really wish him the best and ill respect his wishes and not think abt it anymore #but just for the record that does hurt bc i care about people and it sucks when im not allowed to but thats his perogative and #he is his own person and i just really hope things look up for him soon bc hes cool and has nice art

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itsalwaysdark · 3 months ago

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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms

#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww #i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces #but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this #video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one #supposes the point of all of this but idk #its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no #anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when #the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein #like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale #i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to #me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to #refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i #was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing #game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking #regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have #shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i #come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking #to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond #which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the #i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed #with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this #and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have #like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i #dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti #off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh

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dragonji · 5 months ago

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have to be honest guys its actually going Really Badly again.

#j.txt #vent #barest thread holding me back right now and I dont even know what to do to fix it besides trying to repress it as deep as possible #I'm just. so overwhelmed and tired and frantic all the time. Work is giving me authority positions I didnt ask for and am not paid to do #my family is insane as always and I'm extra on edge around them bc I can just sense the impending fallout-#from when they realize Im taking hormones. Not that that is actually happening yet bc my insurance is fucking me over #the pharmacy keeps pushing back the date for getting my t (should have had it 3 weeks ago. did not happen.) and I might end up having to pa #nearly Two Hundred Dollars for i dont even know how much of a supply bc of the fucked insurance thing.#And I cant even talk to my therapist about any of this bc my old schedule wont work anymore but I cant get in touch with the office to #see what other openings they may have. and some of the weird nebulous resentment-inducing stuff with my old friends is coming back bc #I hung out with one of them recently and it somehow it Still hurts like a fresh wound despite how often I tell myself Im resigned to being #treated the way I am. I barely have time to spend with the friends I do still have pleasant relationships with so I cant even talk through #any of it like that. and to round it all off my dysphoria has gotten so agonizing of late bc i finally had hope i would be on hrt #but. gestures at earlier topic. my hopes of that are being quickly and brutally slaughtered so.#its just. like genuinely what is the point of any of it. how is This what my life is supposed to be. I know I dont deserve very much #but surely I havent sinned so terribly as to earn misery like this.#and I'm not even strong enough of will to *** about it. pathetic really #I just want one day to feel even neutral abt being alive without having my feet swept from under me by some new unbearable Thing developmen

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termagax · 6 months ago

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anyways. i feel like ive said this before but i think that wouldve been a bigger concern of his when he was younger and was trying to think abt how he was gonna like. live in the world. well and then the world exploded and he decided he could do whatever he wants forever and started larping as his fursona and i think hes chill about it now. like i think hes okay.

#i think at the end of the day he does like his body. especially as he gets older and circumstances change and he feels more like a person #who is alive again i think he really does like himself. and i think part of it is just that he really does do whatever he wants whenever #he wants to do it.#like i think it feels like a bigger deal before everything explodes because like well you have to find a way to navigate the social aspect #of everything you do right. and in my mind i think hes recieved a lot of shit for a lot of things in his life #hence why hes kind of a very angry and isolated person. so i do think when him and fish meet and theyre this very confident person #and a relatively happy person too. and they do it in a way that feels really genuine. so i think that gets his gears turning where hes like #maybe. maybe i could do that and it would fix it. and the social aspect of it basically dissapears because the best person in his life #(in his eyes obv) is also doing that and isnt gonna make it a big deal and a lot of what they like about him is the same stuff he got shit 4 #so its like. idk i think maybe theyd talk about it once but i think the hurdle for him is that he doesnt really want to change anything?#not anything changeable at least. i think he likes who he is i dont think hes really particularly insecure in his body or anything #i just think he feels this kind of disconnect from the idea of a person and the idea of himself #i think that something rlly persistent for basically his entire life as mako that he just doesnt. feel like a person. he cant really.#part of why they cling 2 each other is bcs they make each other feel. real and grounded and people. human in a way.#so i think roadhog as an idea helps with that especially again as he gets older and rat becomes a thing and life gets Good again i think #for the first time in his life hes going to really consistently feel like somebody #^ this is why i dont like talking abt hog as a persona and why i liek to call the mask his face. because it is. this is the person he is yk #and i think at some point hes okay being a guy with two names and two faces and sometimes his fish calls him their wife #and he wears cute underwear and its not a big deal and he doesnt even really think about it anymore because it all just feels natural. easy

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swaggy-transfag · 11 months ago

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Thought of making a post abt my struggles with communicating and getting my thoughts out in words. But then i was struggling too much abt how to word it so it made sense, so i gave up

#it can be so so tiring to try to squish my thoughts into words sometimes #it just doesnt feel natural and it never represents them good enough #everyday i wish for somekind of mindreading so others could just get what i was thinking #but instead i have to struggle everyday to not even do my thoughts justice #its so frustrating to just sit and try to get something out #often my mind just blanks and i cant grasp any words #its so humiliating bc ppl just assume im kinda dumb or stmh and i cant even prove them wrong cuz i cant translate my thoughts properly #i wanna tell ppl abt my struggles so they can understand #and also so they dont make fun of me anymore for it #but then i have to get the courage and also be able to explain it properly #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa #its so weird i can usually get my point across (like rn) but it doesnt really feel like my words #talking for me mostly feels like clipping out a newspaper and then assemble all the usefull words k could find into what i want #i really really wanna try to unmask more #and just own the fact that im actually disabled #okay now im just rambling i think #point is im frustrated and sad that mindreading isnt possible

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rodismancave · 10 months ago

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. wanting 2 write stuff for bad ending rodimus but it scares me soooo bad

#i love writing him as being self destructive. however #its like. a specific kind of self destructive yknow?#i don't really share in on the sentiment that he'd completely let himself go to the point EVERYONE can tell he's let himself go #but mostly those who spent a long period of time around him would absolutely notice the change.#roddy's the kind of guy to be self destructive in private. i think he's always had a bit of a drinking problem but always managed #to keep it well hidden. extremely high-functioning alcoholic ykno #i think he haaaaates being in tc's ship and i seriously dont think he ever tried to keep in touch with anyone.#hes very much the kind of guy who doesnt really talk to people if theyre not present or text him first #and after a while hed think texting them would be too awkward and sort of intruding in the life theyve made for themselves #i think ratchet's funeral is the 1 time he lets himself go enough for it to be clearly noticed that hes devastated #and i think him putting meg's rodimus star was both sentimentally charged and a way to rid himself of the last thing he had #that kept him stuck in that life #i still sort of think Drift asking him abt the jump is a tad bit cruel. seeing he's the one guy to notice rodimus is in that state #but theyre both stranded. they dont rlly know each other anymore.#also to add to the funeral: rodimus 100% waited for the ceremony to be over so nobody else would get around seeing him in that state #i highly doubt he even wanted drift to see him like that considering he didnt even spend that long before trying to dip #anyway #those r my 2 cents. i guess. oops #ooc / misty forest

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olli-online · 2 years ago

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#another tag vent session #ivebeen lonely my entire life but sometimes it feels like its swallowed me whole and rn is one of those moment sahah #no ones ever stuck with me for longer than 2 years the only person that did was a friend of 5 years and then one day they told me they #wanted a 'break' from me and said theyd talk again soon and i never heard from fhem again 😁#ican try and forget abt it but god it creeps up on me all ghe time how tf am i supposed to have any semblance of self love when its been #proven to me over and over again how truly impossible it is for. ppl to even tolerate me for extended periods of time #idk what im doing that makes me so unbearable i feel like throwing up #ive always beenand will always remain nothing to ppl and idk how much longer i can keep up the fromt that im content with that #i dont even see the point in trying anymore yknow like theres something fundamentally wrong with me im just doing everyone a favour if i #stay afraid of everything and everyone now #im so cooland awesome everyone love s me 😁

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headofhelios · 2 years ago

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when i was a kid the idea of like surprise birthday parties was so like. idk i wanted it and it never happened but now its actually like. gonna happen to me but at a really really bad time when i am going to be very stressed and whatever the surprise thing is will probably make it worse so its like. hmm. early birthday gift of being nauseous with anxiety a month in advance