#1) guilt is not absolute as an indicator of rightness. learn to recognize when it is lying to you.

[cielosuerte]

something distinctly sad & frustrating internally about watching someone go through something chronically awful & similar on the face of it to your own horrors & wanting to reach out and talk to them about it to offer support & knowing that by nature of the similarity that is almost definitely the last thing they want/need & so you have to sort of watch from afar and psychically beam your words at them and hope it clicks soon

[missmaxime]

Thoughts on the Death flashbacks: Having rewatched the episode again I really do feel like these flashbacks are a lead-in to the end of Beth and Dean’s relationship. I think it’s important to note when the three flashbacks are placed in the episode: right before and or after we focus solely on Beth, like she is reminiscing these three moments in time with him. Times she has fond memories of for good reasons, but at the same time show us the cracks in their relationship that we still see now. What are these pivotal moments? - Beth meets Dean for the first time - Dean asks Beth to prom - Dean meets Beth in the hospital on Prom Night #1 Lead-in to this flashback is the moment just seconds before Beth meets Dean while he’s in jail. Everything between them is at an absolute low, there’s even physically a wall between them. I’m not surprised they counter their burned out relationship by the exact moment it once ignited. Beth tries to remind herself in this episode about the good moments, but I think it’s also very telling those are moment from the first months of when they met – and not, say, when they got their first apartment, or had their first baby, or got married. In the flashback Dean strikes up conversation with Beth while his buddies start a food fight at the diner (Dairy Queen) she works at – perhaps even with an ulterior motive of distracting her while they wreak havoc. He does so by asking for a refill for something ridiculous, because if you’re not Ikea who gives refills for ice cream? But he’s got her attention. And if that attention was genuinely geared towards wooing her he could even have gone the corny way of complimenting her eyes, or her bright smile – but he chooses to focus on the fact that she’s a cheerleader.

This gets interrupted by his friends getting into the food fight, and Beth calls out for him to say something to his friends. In answer he joins into the fight and runs off with said friends, leaving Beth to clean the mess. A little later he returns (and with this, he also doesn’t lose face with his friends) to charm her with an apology and helping her out to clean the mess him and his friends made. Which, as we know, has been a recurring theme between them way into the future. (Not to fangirl out to much about this, but I’m living for the fact that Dean calls her Elizabeth at first, but when she correct him to Beth he goes with that. While Rio called her Elizabeth from the start, and she never corrected him on that.) It’s not hard to see why Beth falls for Dean here, even if we can see the patterns because we know the Beth and Dean from decades later. He’s handsome, witty, popular, the quarterback – and he’s interested in her. Sees her. While he’s the one who made the mess, he cleans it up, telling her that ‘he’s got it’. Something he can do now with spilled food, but we know he can’t when messes become grown-up messes. After the flashback we’re back in the jail, looking at Beth’s reflection in the glass as she stares at herself before Dean takes place in front of her. He’s understandably hurt and upset her actions got him there (and even more because she admits Rio was a part of the scheme all along). Even her voicing a desperate ‘I love you’ doesn’t make him stay, he’s done with her. She says she’ll ‘Fix it’ like Dean promised her in the flashback, but he’s not having it. In the final shot we zoom out, framing Beth with darkness – counter to the flashback where we zoom in on her smiling face. #2 Leading up to the second flashback Phoebe questions Dean, and tries to bribe him with some packs of ramen to tempt him into selling out Beth. She talks about the cheerleader she used to be friends with in high school, and how she got tossed aside when the girl didn’t have any use for her anymore when her Fake ID got taken away. Phoebe talks about how the girl is like Beth, using people and tossing them aside when they’re tired of them – Dean knows very well that’s not Beth at all, not in the context of him at least. In the flashback Dean comes to Beth’s house, where we learn he’s been leaving her a lot of messages. This is 1991 so we’re on analog phone time, not giving Beth an opportunity to see some caller ID, so if she doesn’t want to talk to Dean I don’t feel like it’s weird that Annie answered the phone to hear who’s calling. Annie’s obviously not a fan of him, but we don’t know whether that is because they’ve had some sort of fight or whether she doesn’t like the idea of Beth having a boyfriend altogether. I think this flashback really shows how both Dean and Beth are people who are very image-focused people, albeit for different reasons. Dean arrives in a flashy red sportscar to enhance his popular quarterback persona, Beth chooses to have the conversation outside to shield the outside world from the dire situation on the inside. Again Dean focuses on how Beth is not there for him. He called her five times, but doesn’t ask if she has something going on, or if she’s studying hard for a test, or if any of her friends are in trouble. He states that ‘she hasn’t been to any of the games’ – HIS games, not even shifting it to ‘I didn’t see you with your squad’. It’s all about him. His ‘I thought we were cool?’ entices her to come up with an excuse, doubling down with a ‘I don’t want to be a dick’, even if he clearly already is. Annie steps out of the house, visibly sporting yet another injury (she had her arm in a cast in the 2x08 flashback) and asks Beth about their mom’s meds. Two things Dean could just ask about, even if it’s just a flippant ‘oh, is your mom sick?’ or ‘did that monster hurt herself?’ because both could be explanations on why Beth hasn’t called him back. Yet he ignores all this and goes back to making her feel bad by putting the blame on him, casually working in the ‘oh I was going to ask you to prom?’ in a way like don’t bother if you’re not interested. It’s so unromantic the way he drops this, yet Beth latches on immediately because it’s a chance to do some normal teen stuff for a change and who can blame her if her days are spend taking care of her mom, raising her sister, going to school in the day and working a job in the evening. It’s a tactic Dean keeps using on her as an adult. Scene that comes to mind is that Dean already packed his bag, admits that he cheated on Beth with Gayle, and she’s like - fine, maybe don’t leave. Back in the jail Beth waits for him, but Dean has left a clear message that he doesn’t want to see her. #3 First we watch the girls wait for Eric to get arrested, but we all know how disastrous that ends. Her plan to frame Dean’s friend for her wrongdoings falls through, she failed him. Which piles onto the guilt that Dean’s in jail in the first place. It’s then she searches her brain for a moment when he was there for her, when she truly started feeling that he was going to be her rock. Beth’s waiting in the hospital, she’s not panicked or worried, rather annoyed and tired like this is yet the millionth time she’s here because her mother needed her stomach pumped. We still don’t know for sure what’s going on with the mom, but from 2x08 we know she spends lots of time laying in bed and needs meds, the stomach pumping indicates overuse of a drug (most common alcohol) – I’m leaning to depression combined with substance abuse – but we don’t know for sure. We also learn that the dad is not in the picture, or no one to rely on in the very least. It’s just Beth and Annie. Dean bribed Annie to tell him where Beth is – it’s prom night and he came to pick her up to go to the dance. Now there’s more than one way to read this scene. The first way is that Dean is genuinely concerned about this whole ordeal and he wants to be there for Beth, which is definitely the way young Beth must read into this. Another part of me thinks there’s some self-interest from Dean mixed in as well. If he didn’t go to Beth, he’d go to the prom, dateless – embarrassing for our quarterback star. But helping out your girlfriend with her sick mom is a great excuse to avoid that situation. We know how upset Dean got about being wifeless at the Spa Competition, Beth’s an asset to his image, her not being there breaks his image down. And I’m not saying he’s not interested in her, but from all the conversations we’ve seen them have in the flashbacks none of it really revolves around how Beth is doing. From the start their relationship has been around transactions. Image, deeds, quid pro quo. Even if you can read the ‘do you want anything from the vending machine?’ and the ‘your sister took all my money’ as something fun, it’s yet another reminder that he paid for her time. That she owes him, even if she really appreciates him being there for her. Back to Beth in the car with Eric and the girls, where our girl looks more than unhappy. Like Dean paid Annie to see her, she’s paying Eric to see Dean. Granted the stakes are immensely higher, but the juvenile situation carries on into the presence. While Eric comes up with even more terrible plans Beth’s getting increasingly emotional – which still could be interpreted many ways but I think she realizes that the normal from back then, the happiness Dean provided to her, it’s never coming back – plans executed correctly or not. Dean might still be that guy, but she’s not that girl anymore. Eric talks about how he’s invisible, and how that changed when Dean became his colleague. How beforehand no one saw him as him, but Dean made him feel like he was part of the work crew, called him by his name – it made him feel seen, made him feel like a real person. And that’s of course exactly what young Beth was feeling – she didn’t feel like a real person because no one saw her as Beth the teenage girl. She’s a caretaker for her mom, a mother figure to Annie – a cheerleader to Dean. But in the memory she can recognize that he made her feel like a real person. Eric proposes that ‘They don’t make ‘em like Dean Boland anymore’. And they don’t for him. But Beth also knows that the feeling wears off, that at some point Dean Boland won’t like you anymore when you don’t play the part he signed on for. Eric’s giving up everything to be a loyal friend, like Beth has for over two decades to be his loyal wife. And while she’s technically still his wife, she’s not loyal like she used to be – not financially, physically or emotionally. She doesn’t need Dean anymore to make her feel like a real person. She’s her own real person. --- Beth comes home to Fitzpatrick lounging in her kitchen like he belongs there, helping himself to a cup of tea. Our girl is already on edge what with the father of her kids possibly spending years behind bars, her plans miserably failing, and now this douche want even more of her time. She’s done playing a part to get what she needs, so she goes right to the point. Fitz touches on that she wants more out of her life, which is true. Unfortunately for him Beth has come to the point that no man – not like Dean did in the flashbacks – will do that for her anymore. She’s the one steering the ship, not some guy anymore. But while all these flashbacks Beth is experiencing might put some things in a different light to her, it doesn’t scrub away what Dean made her feel. Because he is the father of her kids, they are what will forever link them together, the connection they both care about deeply regardless of whatever troubled feelings they have towards each other. She might not be a true wife to him anymore, but they are parents to the same children. Her dad wasn’t there for her, but there’s no reason why Dean can’t be there for his kids. ---- So all in all I actually really liked seeing the flashbacks, especially because we experience them through Beth, and how they parallel with the now. In the final scene we see Phoebe looking at the perfect Boland family picture, the perfect image that they both crafted together. But hidden on the backside are the lies and the deceit, yet also Beth telling Dean how to take care of said family. Because she knows she can’t trust him to take care of it, unlike when they were teens and when she’d like to believe he could. Their real personas are on the table, and they don’t like each other anymore, can’t trust each other anymore. To me the final scenes read like the only thing they can still be: parents. I have no doubt they both love their kids, and those four humans will always bind them together, regardless of their relationship status. Beth is giving Dean the only genuine thing she can: her trust as a mutual parent, and the opportunity to enjoy the love of their kids. But it’s laced with melancholy, this is what’s left in the ruins, these four good things. Everything else is gone, and I think they both realize this. 

[morfinwen]

For the 10 facts ask: Christopher, Reagan, Connie, Q, Niner, and Darcy, please!

Here, have a readmore:

Ten Facts about Chris

1. His mother's ancestry is mostly Italian, with some of the nearby countries mixed in. On his father's side, his grandfather's ancestors came from England in the early 1800s, while his grandmother's parents immigrated from Russia.

2. While she's almost as insanely talented as Chris, his older sister Marie has focused more on scientific, technical pursuits in comparison to his artistic ones: he's into theater and music, she works for NASA.

3. He's actually pretty rich, relatively speaking. Both his parents came from well-off families, particularly his father's, and his mother was not too proud to accept help from her former in-laws after her ex-husband left and didn't pay his child support.

4. He's never been out of state, let alone the country. It's something he'd like to do, it just keeps getting pushed further down the list as he takes on other things.

5. Chris is generally a pretty even-keeled, if not positive person. But when he gets angry, he gets angry. It's usually pretty targeted at whatever/whomever made him angry, but it's safest to get out of the blast radius all the same.

6. It took him an unusually long time to learn trumpet -- unusually long by average standards even, not just his own. He still isn't sure he's got the hang of it.

7. His mother took them to Catholic mass a few times every year when he was growing up, always intending to make it more regularly.

8. He occasionally attends Catholic mass as an adult, but he also visits Russian Orthodox services. His grandmother took him to one as a child several times, and there are aspects of it that appeal to him more (like the music).

9. His sister is married and has two kids. Chris has met his brother-in-law a few times, his nephew once, and his niece never. It's a bit of a sore point between them.

10. Cats just love Chris, even ones that normally hate all people. He used to feed stray cats, and he visits an animal shelter regularly to say hi to all the cats that don't get enough love.

Ten Facts about Reagan

1. In every way but emotional, her aunt Jane did a decent if not good job raising her. Emotionally, it was a total failure. Reagan doesn't hate her aunt, but she doesn't miss her.

2. It bothers her a little that she doesn't miss the woman who raised her.

3. She takes after her father more than her mother -- she knows this mostly because her aunt kept complaining about how different she was.

4. She didn't get diagnosed with dyslexia until her first year of high school. She'd learned to work around it, for the most part, but the diagnosis gave her more tools.

5. Her aunt made her learn piano (because Reagan's mother played piano), but Reagan preferred the guitar. She still has some piano pieces memorized, but rarely plays.

6. She's got deft fingers. This was partially learned by sneaking money from her aunt when she refused to buy Reagan something (her aunt often refused, but Reagan only stole from her a few times), but mostly to sneak things into the pockets of kids who were bothering her at school. She rarely got caught.

7. More than once, Reagan has ended up in a "second-in-command" type of position: she doesn't like being told what to do, she doesn't like being in charge, but she doesn't mind telling people to do what someone else told them to do, and if someone proves to her they know what to do and have a good plan in place to do it, she'll go along with it.

8. She doesn't like the cold, or driving in snow, but the worst part of winter is how dark it gets in the afternoon.

9. She occasionally works on writing her own songs; instrumental, since she can't write lyrics worth a darn. She's never shared them with anyone.

10. She doesn't mind being tall in and of itself, but it makes clothes shopping hard, people are liable to comment on the fact that she's so tall for a woman, and she's hit her head on more than one low-hanging doorway.

Ten Facts about Connie

1. Plenty of people have assumed "Connie" is a girls' name. He doesn't mind. People only tend to tease him about it good-naturedly anyway.

2. Of all his many, many siblings, only his older brother Dylan ever really understood him: why Connie preferred reading indoors to rough-housing outside, why he spent more time on his science and math homework than playing sports, why he hated all those big group events. It would have been better if Dylan could be around more when he was a kid, but just having someone understand helped a lot.

3. While Connie was at college, a scandal broke out in his pack back home that ripped it down the line, and his parents were right in the middle of it. More specifically, his father was one of the causes of the scandal.

4. He hasn't talked to his father since.

5. He is more open to talking to his mother, but their conversations alternate between her trying to guilt him to come home, her being upset with him for being at college when it all happened, and her being depressed. He doesn't talk to his mother much.

6. He hates wearing pants. In professional contexts, he wears them because he has to, but otherwise he only wears shorts.

7. He hates wearing shoes, too. He's constantly having to buy new pairs, in part because he just doesn't take good care of the ones he has.

8. He can play the guitar and the cello, the former very well. Most people don't know this because he doesn't play often, and never in public.

9. He doesn't like to listen to music much, which is another reason people are surprised to know he plays. His mother made him learn.

10. Like a lot of werewolves in that part of the country, his pack had a church that was somewhat LDS, though it's questionable whether it would have been acknowledged as such by the official church. He's moved away from that, but Connie does believe in a God, he's just not sure which one.

Ten Facts about Q

1. He has a large number of contingency plans, for a large number of extreme scenarios. Some are more plausible than others. Some are considerably less plausible than others.

2. He was envious of his cousin, for having parents and for being so rich, for exactly two years. He has never envied him since.

3. His parents are not actually dead, they got involved with faeries, messed up, and are currently paying off their debt. Q has no idea.

4. He hates his aunt more than his uncle. They're both awful people, but Maitland is much more explicit in his awfulness, and if you have something to offer him, is willing to work around any dislike he may have of you. Chantal is manipulative, cunning, and always comes out on top.

5. Has the phone numbers of multiple celebrities, famous athletes, rich people, and foreign royalty saved from his days in boarding school. He doesn't reach out to these people often, but he keeps their contact info, just in case.

6. Gained a reputation in boarding school for being up for anything not stupidly dangerous or seriously illegal, as long as he was being offered money to do it.

7. Knows a ton of things about rich people, a bunch of common strategies for poor people, and absolutely nothing about the middle class.

8. Went by Dell as a kid, switched to Q when he moved to the states. Not particularly fond of either name, but they beat Quincy Odell.

9. He's never liked a girl strongly enough to feel it was worth taking the risk to ask her out. His one romantic relationship came about because she asked him out, and ended in part because he wore himself out trying to make it work by being who she wanted him to be.

10. Between a drug dealer roommate in LA and his cousin's ... friends, it's a toss-up whether he knows more professional criminals than royalty. Some days, he reflects on this, and lets out a soft, pained groan.

Ten Facts about Niner

1. After more than twenty years together, Niner's parents are still affectionate. Disgustingly, honeymoon-phase, over-the-top affectionate. None of their children can stand it.

2. She is going to master the fast part of "Hardware Store" by Weird Al. She's still struggling with the first few lines, but it will happen someday.

3. Gets along really well with Connie, despite werecats and werewolves not generally being known for getting along.

4. Gets along terribly with Aidan, though with no clear indicators as to whether him being a "bird" (phoenix) is part of that.

5. About the only people towards whom Niner will openly show affection are her younger siblings. She has a lot of them, but she adores each and every one of them.

6. Hates, hates, hates the vacuum cleaner. Just Ash bringing it out of the closet is enough to send her running, and she won't be back for at least two hours.

7. Wants to climb a mountain. Particularly Mount Everest, but she's accepted that she should start with one of the smaller ones.

8. She doesn't talk a lot about her past. Not because it was painful or anything, it's just not something she does.

9. In the latter part of her time on her own, she and another werecat split off from the group they were hanging with, as most werecats do when they form a relationship. Niner's relationship went south. Badly south. She's never spoken about it to anyone.

10. With the exception of cheese, she doesn't care about condiments on things like burgers or hot dogs. Just cheese, the works, lots of mustard, she barely even notices.

Ten Facts about Darcy

1. He comes across as the least upset about the move to Chicago, and he is. It bothers him more than he lets on, but Darcy doesn't have friends to miss like Kira, or feel half as cooped up in the city as Susanna.

2. People sometimes mistake him for the oldest, when he gets to talk on one of his special interests, or the youngest, when in social situations.

3. He has one, maybe two very vague memories of his parents. He insists he doesn't miss them, because he doesn't recognize his emotions for what they are, and because he doesn't realize that you don't need to remember someone well to miss them.

4. Darcy is unquestionably intelligent. He is a little lacking in common sense.

5. His special interests are math, science, and history. History is the most appealing to him personally, but people tend to be more impressed with his grasp of math and science, and he likes impressing people. He doesn't dislike math or science, either.

6. He was named after his mother's best friend in college, and his middle name is his father's best friend since childhood. He's met both of them, but when he was much too young to remember.

7. He's actually a decent actor, he has a great memory, and he gets terrible stage fright. There are a couple very awkward school plays in his past.

8. Darcy still has a crush on Kelsey, the pretty blonde high-schooler he had as a babysitter when he was six. In general, the existence of pretty blonde girls make him glad that a) he's naturally quiet around other people and b) he doesn't blush easily.

9. He typically spends his time in Minecraft building computers and playing very simple versions of Minesweeper and Solitaire on them. Susanna thinks he's entirely missing the point of Minecraft.

10. His ideal pet is a dragon.

Thanks for asking! 

[lovemesomerafael]

EL AMOR TODO LO PUEDE Chapter 19:  On The First Day...

Photo Source:  @rafaelbarbasvu            Heads up:  @Thomas1340

Chapters 1-10  Chapter 11  Chapter 12  Chapter 13  Chapter 14  Chapter 15 Chapter 16  Chapter 17  Chapter 18

Sonny Carisi stared at the vending machine in disbelief.  The bag of potato chips was poised impossibly on the edge of its seal, one corner on the shelf and the other on the corkscrew that was supposed to have knocked it down into the tray where he could take it out.  The expression on his face was so funny that Laura bit her tongue to keep from laughing.  

“You have got to be kidding me.  Look at that. That defies the laws of physics. Maybe I can rock it free.”  He moved his hands into different positions, trying to figure out how to grab the huge machine in a way that would allow him to rock it.  Realizing the futility of jarring the potato chips loose, he gave up.

That did it.  The laugh she was trying to suppress burst forth.

He gave her a look. “Yeah, thanks a lot.  That what passes for support in Chicago?”  

He turned and walked back into the squad room, disgusted.

Still laughing, Laura dug change from her pocket and bought a bag of the same chips.  As expected, the second bag knocked the first free, and both fell into the tray.  She went back into the squad room and plunked the chips down on Sonny’s desk without a word.

He gave her a brilliant smile and thanked her.  “We’ll make a New Yorker out of you yet,” he said.  

Good grief, she thought for the ten thousandth time since they’d met a few days before.  That is one tasty man.  She flicked a look at Amanda Rollins.

Laura really liked both Carisi and Rollins.  In fact, she liked the whole squad.  

 Her first week on the job, Rollins invited everyone over for dinner – which she noticed Carisi cooked – so they would have the opportunity to get to know one another.  

Laura politely declined a glass of wine and, figuring she might as well get it out from the beginning, explained that she was in recovery.  She knew instantly from Amanda’s reaction that she’d found one of her tribe.  The discovery led to the instant bond that addicts in recovery share.  Whereas she’d been somewhat intimidated by Amanda’s experience and beauty, Laura suddenly felt like Amanda had the potential to become a close friend.

“We’ll have to catch a meeting together,” Amanda said.

“That would be great. I’d love to know which ones to avoid.”

“Absolutely.  Why should you repeat my mistakes?”

“I made quite enough mistakes before I started A.A.” Laura grimaced.

Amanda clinked her glass with Laura’s.  “Ah, yes. I recognize that guilt.”

“I was raised Catholic,” Laura told her.  “I got guilt on lock.”

Laura saw the entire room turn to look at Carisi.

“Hey, I’m raised Catholic, too,” he announced.

“Peace be with you,” she said, smiling widely as she held her hand out.

“And with your spirit,” he responded with mock seriousness.  

As much as she loved her team in Chicago, she thought she might find herself liking this group just as well.  Amanda’s daughter Jessie sealed the deal by being unable to pronounce Laura’s name. Olivia’s son Noah instantly adopted Jessie’s pronunciation and Laura became “Aunt Lala”.  Somehow, that sweet nickname made her feel like she was being welcomed into a family.  This group seemed to genuinely like and care for one another and to be willing to let her in.  That night, for the first time since leaving Chicago, Laura didn’t feel homesick.  

She was also re-thinking her first impression of Lieutenant Benson.  Laura had learned quite a bit about Olivia Benson just during the short time she’d been at SVU.  She thought that, if she’d been through and seen what her Lieutenant had, she would probably be a crusader, too.

 The day after the dinner, Fin took the lead on questioning a suspect he and Parker had brought in after DNA implicated him in a rape.  Fin wanted Laura to observe and learn how SVU did things, rather than participate, so she stood against a wall of the box while he questioned the suspect. Lieutenant Benson stood watching from the other side of the one-way glass.  

“So what are we looking at?”  

She turned to see A.D.A. Barba had stepped up beside her and was looking into the interrogation room. “That’s the suspect in the Mazie Anderson case.  He’s been in there about an hour.  Still maintains his innocence.”

“What’s wrong with his face?”

“Fin and Parker had a little trouble arresting him.  Which reminds me, you haven’t met my new detective yet.  I’ll introduce you.  Suspect’s not going anywhere.”

Benson knocked on the window and Fin and Laura stepped out.  Rafael noticed the suspect kept his eyes warily on Parker as they left the room. Her shoulder-length hair was pulled back into a low ponytail, and she wore a cashmere sweater over slacks.  It was pretty much the standard uniform for SVU’s female detectives, but Rafael noted that they weren’t the standard quality.  They looked expensive.  

“Laura Parker, let me introduce you to Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba.  He prosecutes a lot of our cases.  You’ll be working together quite a bit.”

Laura and Rafael shook hands and made the usual polite introductory noises.  She was surprised, but tried not to show it.  Nobody had told her about that hair and those eyes.  And that voice.  So that’s A.D.A. Barba.  

Without spending an extra second on pleasantries, Barba turned to Fin.  “I understand you had some trouble with the arrest?”

Fin shrugged. “Dude’s innocent.  Haven’t you heard?”

“Detective, I don’t have to tell you, it always looks bad when a suspect is injured during an arrest.”

Fin, hands in the pockets of his black jeans, casually indicated Laura with an elbow.  “Wasn’t me. Talk to the Vanilla Killa over there.”

Barba turned his eyes on Laura.

She was calm, but earnest.  “It was legit.  He was mad to begin with that we came to where he works, and then when I went to arrest him, he swung on me.”

“You don’t have a mark on you.”

“I ducked.”

Rafael blinked.  Then he blinked again.

“That’s your story?  He tried to hit you, but you ducked?”

“I had time to order a latte before that punch would’ve landed.  The big ones are always slow.”

Rafael had absolutely no idea what to make of that. “Then why is he injured?”

“He went after me.  He wasn’t coming in voluntarily.”

Rafael looked back to Fin.

“For real,” Fin assured him.  “I was there. About ten witnesses saw it, too.  Girl’s got moves.”

Rafael looked at Laura.  “Huh.  Well, Detective, for future reference, it makes my job harder when you beat up the suspects.”

“Sorry,” Laura muttered vaguely.  

In that instant, she learned what the deer feels like when it gets hit with the headlights.  What did he just do?  What was that look?  Was that his pissed look?  Sweet merciful heaven, I want to piss that man off for the rest of my life.  I am actually wet because of the way he just looked at me.  Note to self:  Quit hanging out with Peter and get laid.

Fin and Parker returned to their interrogation.

Rafael, somewhat at a loss, turned to Olivia.  “Did I just have to tell a woman smaller than my abuelita not to beat up the suspects?” 

“The unit she comes from has… a different way of doing things.  Don’t worry.  It’s not going to be a problem.”

 Late that evening, Rafael strode into the squad room.  His day had started lousy and plummeted from there.  Now it was after eight o’clock and he was nowhere near done with his workday.  He wasn’t sure whether Benson could get him what he was there to ask for, but he had to try.  Without more, their case was dead in the water and a monster who killed a kid could go free.  He was in a mood.

He noticed halfway across the room that there were no lights on in Olivia’s office.  

“¡Joder!”[1] he hissed to himself.  Why had he expected anything different today?  

He thought he could hear a faint snicker.  Turning, he saw the new detective, just rising from her desk.  Her look was entirely serious, but he had the sense that she was biting back a smile.  

“Can I help you?” She asked.

“I’m looking for Lieutenant Benson.”

“She’s out in the field. Not expected back for some time, I’m afraid.  Maybe I can help you.”

“I doubt that.”  

He didn’t have time to wait, and he was absolutely in no mood to humor Liv’s new detective, even if she did have nice taste in clothes.  He turned on his heel and, without another word to her, strode angrily back the way he had come, muttering to himself.  “Un bebé policía. Perfecto. Es todo lo que necesito.”[2]

“Podría ser. Supongo que nunca lo sabrás.”[3]  

Rafael took a few more steps and muttered a few more words before it hit him.  He stopped and turned back to her.

“Excuse me?”

“Realmente no deberías murmurar sobre alguien hasta que sepas si ella habla español. Incluso si ella es una gringa.”[4]  She shrugged. “Just sayin’.”

Rafael sighed loud and long.   He took a few steps toward her.  

“I’m actually slightly less of a bastard than I appear right this minute.”

She gave him a friendly smile, letting him off the hook.  “That seems to be the general opinion around here.  I’ll ask Lieutenant Benson to call you as soon as I hear from her.”

“Thank you.”

For an awkward moment, they stood stiffly facing one another.  

“By the way,” he said, “Your accent is horrific and your syntax is… weird.”    

That should probably have hurt her feelings, and it might have, except that he gave her that look again.  That smug, disapproving look from under his eyebrows that hit her somewhere south of the waist.   Was he trying to smoulder?  

All she could think to do was laugh.  As soon as he turned the corner, she was going to crawl under her desk in embarrassment for having such a childish reaction.  But for now, she just had to brazen it out.

Rafael scowled as he walked out of the squad room.  What the hell had made him say something so gratuitously harsh?  No wonder she laughed at him.  Dios mio,[5] she has a great laugh.  

He could feel very uncomfortable internal alarms going off.  Alarms he hadn’t felt in a long time.  One thing he knew.  He and she were not going to be spending much time together.

 [1] Fuck!

[2] A baby cop.  Perfect.  That’s all I need.

[3] Could be.  Guess you’ll never know.

[4] You really shouldn’t mutter about someone until you know if she speaks Spanish.  Even if she is a gringa.

[5] My God

[seattlegrace-rpg]

Welcome, again, Jack as Cristina! Looking forward to you bringing Dr. Yang back to Seattle! Please create and send in your account within 24 hours. 

OOC INFO: Name: Jack  Preferred pronouns: He/Him Age: 24 Location/Time zone: Oklahoma, USA/Central Standard Time Expected amount of activity: Sunday, Tuesday, and Friday (After 530pm CST) Wednesday-Thursday (After 330pm CST) Monday (All Day) Saturday (Until 530pm CST) Role play experience: GaiaOnline (five years-Naruto/Hetalia), RPNation (less than one year-Worm/Ward), Facebook (Ten years-Hetalia/Marvel/Greys Anatomy/Mythology/Worm/Ward/Game Of Thrones)

CANNON CHARACTER: What character you’re auditioning for: Cristina Yang Background/Biography (Since this is an AU RP, give us a little info on where you see your character at this point. Please note that seasons 1-4 happened as cannon, everything after that is AU. If there is a pre-made bio for the character, simply indicate changes (if any) you would like to make):

Upon the death of the Head of Cardio, Cristina was looking for another hospital to take her up as a Fellow. The drive for her education and the thirst for any knowledge she could obtain lead her to apply at different hospitals around the US that had the top ranking Cardiothoracic programs. She had waited for months to hear back from one of them, staying at Seattle Grace for the time being. The longer she stayed, the more antsy she became. It rose to a point that she began to not act as herself. Her relationships had taken a toll on this and she felt herself being smothered by Owen. She needed an escape, and couldn’t get it. Even being in the OR didn’t help much anymore. She felt her career stagnant. She could feel herself start to become something she wasn’t. However, that point came to an end on one night. Cristina was working on the surgical floor, rounding on patients. She had received a text from Meredith that Derek was in a wreck and was left in a coma. Knowing that her friend was definitely going to be in need, she was walking as fast as she could towards where her friend would be, she felt her phone go off. Answering it when she was walking, it was Dr. Marvin Cole with the Cleveland Clinic’s Cardiothoracic program. He had looked over her application and wanted to offer her the Fellowship. There was also a case of Restrictive Cardiomyopathy arriving the next day that he wanted her on the case for, but she had to be there by the morning to be on that case. Despite the gravity of the situation she was in, she had accepted, saying she would be there by the morning. Leaving Seattle Grace with guilt on her mind, she left for home to pack a bag and left Seattle with only leaving a note to Owen in their apartment. The entire plane ride to Cleveland, she felt the guilt eat at her. Every fiber of her being wanted to call Meredith, to tell her that she was sorry for not seeing her before she left, but she couldn’t bring herself down to. Before she even landed, her phone died. Daybreak hit and she was in a different state, across the nation. Once she arrived at the hospital and met Dr. Cole, she had changed into the set of scrubs provided for her and joined him in meeting the patient. From that moment, Cristina felt some relief. She was finally able to be herself. She worked under Dr. Cole, learning everything she could and taking on some of the rarest Cardiothoracic conditions that would come in. Still, as the years passed, she never stopped feeling the guilt of leaving her best friend at one of the most inconvenient times in her life. But, deep down, she knew that if she would have stayed, she would have lost herself so much that not even Meredith would have recognized her. As time passed, she received notice from Owen that Derek had woken up from his coma. Even with a little relief from her guilt, she still didn't contact Meredith. She would try to bring herself to call and check up, but didn’t exactly know how to. Fate would have it that Dr. Cole was asked to consult on a case in Seattle at a different hospital. Being one of his top students, he sent Cristina in his place. Reluctantly, she decided to accept the offer, knowing this was an opportunity to speak to Meredith in person. So, on the next plane, she was off back to where it began. Writing sample (at least three paragraphs, in character. Must be in third person.): The flight back to Seattle was the hardest thing that Cristina had done in nearly three years. All the countless cases and toughest lessons she had went through in Cleveland hadn’t prepared her for this moment. She didn’t leave the city on good terms. In the end, she did what was best for her, and not her friendship with Meredith. She chose her career over her friend. And, despite all of that, she couldn’t help but feel… relieved, in a sense. She had found herself in the countless hearts she had repaired. It was as if she had watched herself from behind a glass wall for years being controlled by destiny like a puppet on strings, only to finally wake up and see /she/ was in control. She owed that self rediscovery to Dr. Marvin Cole. The man, himself, was ancient. Well, compared to her. He was well into his 60s! Despite his age, he was willing to accept new techniques. Cole would always tell her that he was learning beside her. That, each day, he promised they both would learn something new. And it challenged her to be the person she always was deep down. And he kept that promise for the three years she was under his wing. Those three years came to a halt when he was asked to consult in Seattle. He had suggested that Cristina go in his place. He called it a “learning experience”. She had tried to talk her way out, only to be told it was her chance to do something on her own. So, she did. Once again, she packed a bag and headed off towards Seattle, unsure what the future had in store. She made sure to arrive a few days early, so she could rest. Maybe, she would use this time to visit Meredith? No. She couldn’t. The timing wasnt right. She knew her friend would be absolutely furious with her. Maybe Meredith had moved on? Maybe she had forgotten about her? But… No. No more regrets. She was Cristina Yang, a Fucking Cardiothoracic Goddess. She was done running away from her issues. Back then, she may had been weak. But now? Now she was back. The true Cristina Yang was finally back. And it was time to face her guilt head on. Ship(s): Currently, none Anti-ships: Same as above 

[miracles-happen-today-blog]

Social Media and A Course in Miracles

Social network resembles anything in this world, i.e., projected thoughts with the content of the vanity incorrect mind. On the internet assaults in the community for A Course in Miracles (ACIM) are via the numerous comments, quotes and other posts where we respond to our interpretation which then becomes the justification for our reaction (T-12. I. 1) or our reason for posting, etc. All pupils have a standard complication in between type as well as web content in addition to what it means to join so allow's not sugar coat it: Social media is forms (predicted material of the ego wrong mind) from accompanying the wrong mind. For that reason, from the outset it is a series of attacks until we forgive and also start identifying (signing up with) with the right mind.

Also in the Course, most of us relax online with some type of a digital tool mindlessly doing our ego point. Okay, some may be standing, relaxing or leaning:

Sitting around and also discussing the Course is not the very same point as doing the hard work of examining the text and also placing the concepts right into practice to discover what the Course indicates (Kenneth Wapnick, Rules for Decision).

In the very same Rules, Wapnick additionally claims, "What gives the vanity its power is your having joined with it, your recognition with it." Forms are forecasted as a protection against the contrary as well as are only with the vanity wrong mind and also hence they do not matter.

Since social media sites is everything about forms which are fragmented forecasts of the ego, we are then perceiving the Sonship as fragmented which makes the mistake actual. Specialness is valued as an idol placed prior to the Love of God and those perceived differences keep the splitting up in the mind. Absolutely any fragmented feature we evaluate in an additional online (or anywhere) should be seen in all of the Sonship because we're actually One in truth. That is why assault isn't distinct and also should be relinquished (T-7. VI.1).

Distinct ways, "Distinct and individually separate." Because it attacks (fragments) the Sonship using distinctions rather of sameness, all assault in any type of form is the very same as well as is implied to split the entirety of the Sonship. Therefore, we can see why Wapnick would state that it is foolish to use the Course as a tool when it's clearly a Course based in unity.

Ultimately, allow's include two other word symbol meanings because these are both made use of throughout the Course:

Show: Clearly reveal the presence or fact of something by giving evidence or evidence. Suggestion: A point that creates someone to remember something.

Unloving Reminders

In the Course, "To educate is to show (M-in.2) as well as we are constantly instructing, or showing the vanity or God every minute, i.e., the material mind with which we have actually selected to join or recognize. For contrast, the web content of the vanity is many forecasted as well as different kinds; and also the content of the appropriate mind is unity, similarity, i.e., Love (no estimates). There are no exceptions. It's one or the other.

Our bros are a part of us. They are the ones that teach us that we are for our learning is a result of what we have actually educated them (T-9. VI.3) - the ego or God - always. As the daydreamer of the dream (T-27. VII.), our dream figures (those online with us and also our brothers) are doing what we are fantasizing they are doing based on what we've educated (demonstrated). They are innocent given that it is our desire. We educated splitting up or a murderous assault believed versus God and so all of us show stated attack in lots of fragmented kinds. Yet if we forgive ourselves of what we have instructed (picked) rather than assaulting, we locate who we are through our brothers that coincide.

When we are publishing quotes, comments or make use of Course language "at" an additional we are actually assaulting (unloving suggestions). If we think of just how "at" feels we understand our company believe in separation as well as distinctions. The commands or needs of the ego must be addressed "at" a separated piece (sibling) so we continue to demonstrate our original attack idea as well as repress our sense of guilt. Program pupils after that go and also get on the internet with these several concepts of specialness and also their unloving suggestions which fragments the mind as well as preserves the splitting up (the reverse of unity) which is the issue.

Online strikes in the neighborhood for A Course in Miracles (ACIM) are using the several comments, quotes and other posts where we react to our interpretation which then becomes the reason for our action (T-12. We can see why Wapnick would say that it is ridiculous to make use of the Course as a weapon when it's plainly a Course based in unity.

In the Course, "To instruct is to demonstrate (M-in.2) and also we are always instructing, or demonstrating the ego or God every moment, i.e., the content mind with which we have chosen to sign up with or determine. When we are uploading quotes, remarks or use Course language "at" one more we are really assaulting (unloving pointers). Course trainees then go and obtain on the internet with these several ideas of specialness and also their unloving suggestions which fragments the mind as well as preserves the separation (the opposite of unity) which is the issue.

[china-law-society]

FRT: Public’s Acceptance must come with Proper Protection

In this informative and well-researched contribution, Ms Jessica Chai (Chinese Business Law (CBL) Candidate, Class of 2021, Faculty of Law, the Chinese University of Hong Kong) offers a comprehensive overview of the Facial Recognition Technology that we discussed during our LAWS6101 class on Legal System and Methods in China. She explores cases and discourses surrounding this controversial technological innovation from various jurisdictions. (Edited by Michelle Miao, Associate Professor, Faculty of Law, the Chinese University of Hong Kong)

By Jessica Chai

The use of facial recognition technology (FRT) is becoming increasingly common, not just in China but in many parts of the world. Unsurprisingly, the development of this technology has ignited public anger and has led to aggravated debates regarding its ethics as it poses issues such as the intrusion of privacy and the theft of one’s image.

It is in Kostka’s research that individuals’ impressions and interpretations of the FRT systems are significant determinants of its acceptance.[1]  However, one should be cautious in taking this phenomenon of public reluctance and repugnance as a conclusive indicator of the technology given that it is still in its premature stage. Instead, one should realize that there is still scope for improvement and recognize the potential benefits that come with this innovative technology rather than rejecting it purely due to a lack of education about it and the fear of unforeseen repercussions. For example, when Electronic Payment Technologies were first introduced, many were sceptical about its utility and were blinded by their preconceived (though reasonable) worries. Who would’ve thought that this system would be as beneficial as it is in today’s world? Instead, if we draw analysis of Jinnan’s research[2], the service provider shall instead pay attention to reducing users’ perception of risks and uncertainties and elicit more positive emotions and feelings.

To this end, I would like to draw the reader’s attention to the benefits that can be seen in the current form of the technology. During the spread of the pandemic, the FRT has proven to be a useful tool to help curb the spread of the disease by identifying and notifying citizens about the virus carriers’ whereabouts and measuring one’s temperature without physical. Moreover, FRT is a powerful instrument for public agencies and law enforcement to help improve security in educational institutions and airports[3], locate missing people[4], prevent crimes and corruption[5], pay pensions[6], limit gambling addiction[7], shorten queue time for entrance and more. All these case scenarios are concrete evidence of an improved and advanced life through the use of this technology.

However, is it justified to violate individual privacy in exchange for the promise of greater security? Should we concern ourselves with the perceived risks and uncertainties?

The right to privacy is a fundamental human right in which we take pride in valuing and protecting in this modern 21st century. Strict surveillance is not an appropriate state control’s method as we will find ourselves living under the what we deem a suffocating and evil Orwellian dystopia. The realms in which people are forced to live, act, and speak in certain ways are simply intolerable, especially when it is promised that the protection of fundamental rights is an important and integral part of civilization.

‘If you have done nothing wrong, then you have nothing to hide’. This is seemingly a convincing argument because every citizen is expected to act in accordance with the law, if not, do not blame the authorities for catching you red-handed. However, according to Kostka’s[8] study which is primarily based on the correlation between public acceptance and perceived risks, reliability and that to the concern of privacy, what people demand is not absolute privacy, but the right to be governed by the responsible government through reliable systems. Kostka’s[9]  study shows that acceptance of facial recognition technology is generally higher among the younger, highly educated and higher-income population, of which is contradictory to the general view which argues that the better educated, coastal urban residents would be expected to be more sceptical of such technologies.[10] However, the prerequisite to the implementation of FRT is a reliable system. Sadly, such systems are not ready yet.

Reliable Systems

Many cities and agencies have been alarmed with problematic technologies which have appeared to be flawed and inaccurate, often embedded with racial bias. For example, back in 2017 when Apple released its Face ID, it was reported in Mirror magazine that the algorithm could not differentiate the facial features of Chinese users. [11]  According to the Washington Post, an 18 year-old Ousmane Bah was falsely arrested for robbery in New York after FRT mistakenly identified him as the perpetrator. [12] In fact, NIST identified that the algorithms developed in the US consistently had a higher rate of misidentification in Asian, African American and Native American faces. [13] Robert Julian Williams was one of the African Americans who became the victim of the egregiously flawed technology. He was arrested for robbery due to misidentification and during interrogation, the police had pre-determined his guilt as they had instinctively relied on technology. Fortunately, he was released after 30 hours of detention due to insufficient evidence. Imagine what would happen if he was convicted simply because of misidentification.

In China, Dong Mingzhu, the chairwoman one of China’s biggest producers of air conditioners – Gree Electric Appliances – found herself being ‘named and shamed’ on a huge screen for jaywalking.[14] Just recently in the case of R(Bridges) v Chief Constable of South Wales Police [15], the Court of Appeal in the UK ruled that the FRT still possess ‘fundamental deficiencies’ in its deployment. If the country is all in on Artificial Intelligence, these unsettling implications should not be overlooked. It is not the FRT that we fear, but the practical consequences as a result of mismatch and mistakes. Nothing can erase the traumatic experiences of being falsely accused, arrested, detained, ‘named and shamed’ or the stigma of being labelled a criminal.

Putting aside the issue with privacy intrusion, whilst the benefits of the FRT are undeniable, under no circumstances should users be expected to tolerate the inherent bias and flaws embedded in the system. Maybe the future just isn’t ready yet. The systems still need tweaking.

Responsible Agencies

Believe it or not, FRT is inevitable in the fast-moving data-driven world we inhabit. It is a matter of whether the agencies in charge of these data act responsibly. Personal information including name, age, blood type, gender, address and possibly sensitive information such as sexuality, family relations etc. can be given away to someone in a matter of milliseconds. Furthermore, we are kept behind closed doors regarding the extent to which data is collected and the purpose of collecting the data. In fact, it is strikingly worrying to know that many mobile apps have been excessively collecting and using personal information including personal photographs, fingerprints, trading accounts and records, education background, vocation etc. (Chinese Consumers (CCA)). Besides that, one thing we learned from R(Bridges [16]) is that we have yet come to a consensus as to what is considered ‘proportionate extraction and balanced use’ of personal data to avoid impermissible unjustified usage.

As far as law enforcement or government agencies are concerned, this essay thinks that strict and disproportionate surveillance and excessive collection of one’s data not advisable. This is because it might have far-reaching consequences on the individual freedom, creativity and confidence due to the fear of being under surveillance or breaking the law, which could inhibit the growth and development of revolution somehow. As for private entities, an unregulated and excessive collection of data is vulnerable for breach of privacy as seen in the very first China’s FRT case of Guo Bing v Wildlife Park. The case is still on pending, and the issues have not yet been decided. However, its outcome will be an important message to the FRT users and consumers as to the limit and scope of the rights and obligations of FRT users in China. Nevertheless, this essay opines that all data should be collected with clear consent, and the collection should be proportionate to the extent to serve public security and health purposes. Also, the FRT users shall bear the onus to prove that the collection of  personal data is justified by legitimate reasons, and if not, they shall be liable for imposing unfair contract terms, if consumers are not independently given the freedom to consent for the collection of data and take their non-consent as denying the main service as a whole; or breach of privacy for over-collection of data.

Conclusion

While the public should be educated on the use of such technologies, the danger of facial recognition technology as highlighted should first be tackled. Furthermore, it is also the ethical duty of the government and private entities to maintain proper and balanced use of such sensitive information because, a case of misuse would cause significant and disproportionate detriments to the particular individual, and at worst, destroy their trust and reliance towards such development. In short, if we are not careful towards the deployment of FRT technology, we might find ourselves trapped in the vicious cycle of debate as to whether FRT is beneficial all over again.

[1] Kostka, Genia and Steinacker, Léa and Meckel, Miriam, ‘Between Privacy and Convenience: Facial Recognition Technology in the Eyes of Citizens in China, Germany, the UK and the US’ (February 10, 2020).

[2] Jinnan Wu, Liu Lin, ‘Consumer Acceptance of Mobile Payment Across Antecedents and moderating role of diffusion stages’ Ind. Manag. Data Syst (2009) 117 Vol 8 (1761-1776)

[3] Gillespie, E., ‘Are you being scanned? How facial recognition technology follows you, even as you shop’. (The Guardian, February 2019) accessed on 20 October 2020 at https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2019/feb/24/are-you-being-scanned-howfacial-recognition-technology-follows-you-even-as-you-shop

[4] Bernal, N., ‘Facial recognition to be used by UK police to find missing people’ (The Telegraph, July 2019) accessed on 20 October 2020 at https://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/2019/07/16/facial-recognition-technologyused-uk-police-find-missing-people/

[5] Chen, S.,‘Is China’s corruption-busting AI system ‘Zero Trust’ being turned off for being too efficient?’ (South China Morning Post, February 2019) accessed on 20 October 2020 at  https://www.scmp.com/news/china/science/article/2184857/chinas-corruption-bustingai-system-zero-trust-being-turned-being

[6] Zhan, N., ‘Chinese government uses facial recognition app to pay out pensions.’ https://asia.nikkei.com/Business/Startups/Chinese-government-uses-facialrecognition-app-to-pay-out-pensions (Nikkei Asian Review, October 2019).

[7] Robson, D. ‘Facial recognition a system problem gamblers can’t beat?’ (The Star, January 2011) accessed on 23 October 2020 at https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2011/01/12/facial_recognition_a_system_problem_ gamblers_cant_beat.html

[8]  N1

[9]  ibid

[10] Pan, J., & Xu, Y. ‘China’s Ideological Spectrum’ (2018) J. Politics Vol 80(1) pp. 254- 273 https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/abs/10.1086/694255

[11] Sophie Curtis, ‘iPhone X Racism Row: Apple’s Face ID fails to distinguish between Chinese users’ (Mirror Magazine, 22 Dec 2017) accessed on 23 October 2020 at https://www.mirror.co.uk/tech/apple-accused-racism-after-face-11735152

[12] Hamza Shaban and Meagan Flynn, ‘Teen sues Apple for $1billion, blames facial recognition at stores for his arrest’ (The Washington Post, Apr 2019) accessed on 20 October 2020 at https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2019/04/23/teen-sues-apple-billion-blames-facial-recognition-stores-his-arrest/

[13] Extracted from MIT Technology Review. Karen Hao, ‘A US Government study confirms most face recognition systems are racist’ (MIT TR, Dec 2020) accessed on 20 October 2020 at https://www.technologyreview.com/2019/12/20/79/ai-face-recognition-racist-us-government-nist-study/

[14]Li Tao, ‘Facial Recognition System in China mistakes celebrity’s face on moving billboard for jaywalker’ (The Star, 23 November 2018) accessed on 23 October 2020 at   https://www.thestar.com.my/news/regional/2018/11/23/facial-recognition-snares-chinas-air-con-queen-dong-mingzhu-for-jaywalking-but-its-not-what-it-seems

[15] [2020] EWCA Civ 1058

[16] ibid

[detrevniwrit]

re: kacchako is bad (responses)

oh my god I'm going to answer all of these in one post because it’s been a freaking long day and i have no desire to answer each individual permutation of the same sentiments over and over again

read more this time bc it didn’t seem clear enough last time by the bolded ‘kacchako is bad title’ that you can scroll past if you’re sensitive to criticism because this is a criticism of kacchako.

Concern:

Don’t tag it in the ship tag if it’s hate! Just blacklist it if it bothers you so much. People can ship it if they want, don’t be mean/an asshole! :(

Answer:

I can't believe I'm getting "let people ship what they want don't spread hate it's never worth it" msgs in this year of our lord 2017. Don't moralize down to me about spreading hate and quit acting as if I went into people’s inboxes to harass and specifically be mean to them. I used the tag, yes, but I did it to bring kacchako fans’ attention to legitimate concerns I have about the ship’s consequences, and I made my opinion very explicit in the bolded title of the post so people can scroll past if they’re sensitive. I thought it was worth the risk to my sanity to make sure that people who aren't as sensitive to criticism won’t just ignore that there are important issues with kacchako because it’s easier, or because they just don’t know/never thought about it. (I’m now partially feeling it wasn’t worth it, but determined to stand by my points)

Concern:

I think kacchako is fine and I don’t defend abuse! I just imagine them in a place where Bakugou is grown up and not abusive anymore and Ochako doesn’t take that shit!

Answer: 

It has occurred to me that it’s rarely anyone’s intention to support abuse, which is why I bothered to write the original post at all. To reiterate my argument so I don’t get confused ‘kacchako is not abusive’s in my inbox, I’m not saying that kacchako is inherently abusive. I’m saying that as Izuku’s friend, Ochako wouldn’t be motivated to date Bakugou specifically because he bullies Izuku and has abusive tendencies towards her friend, and because she’s someone who cares about Izuku’s wellbeing she wouldn’t be interested in someone who continues to unapologetically treat Izuku like that. 

There is no ‘she secretly likes Bakugou’ right now, or vice versa. She just wants to catch up to Izuku. And Bakugou does not respect her more than he sees her as a threat.

To the reimagining future Bakugou part: again, I doubt anyone has the intention to erase Izuku’s experience as a victim of Bakugou’s bullying. I’m saying that no one writes Bakugou changing from a bully into a better person respectfully or realistically. Most interpret Bakugou’s one interaction with Ochako (in which he considers her a legitimate threat to beat) as an indicator of Bakugou beginning to change because of Ochako, even if after this interaction he’s still only interested in winning and dominating over others and if people are potentially in his way. 

Let me give you a definition of domestic abuse (my bolding):

"domestic abuse occurs whenever one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t ‘play fair.’ Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.”

All kacchako shippers imagine a future Bakugou as someone who automatically deserves forgiveness for not being an asshole anymore, most likely due to Ochako keeping him in line, and not a single one has been able to describe, in informed detail, about how hard it is to change abusive behavior. 

“In discussing why abusers abuse, it’s clear that a lot of the causal factors behind these behaviors are learned attitudes and feelings of entitlement and privilege — which can be extremely difficult to truly change. [...] While we hope abusive partners will change, it’s not always realistic to expect that they can and will. Focus on changes you can control to improve your own life, because you deserved to feel loved, happy and safe.”

Signs of progress of changing abusive behavior include (some bolded for what I think kacchako shippers particularly don’t take into account often when characterizing future Bakugou):

Admitting fully to what they have done

Stopping excuses and blaming

Making amends

Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice

Identifying patterns of controlling behavior they use

Identifying the attitudes that drive their abuse

Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured”

Not demanding credit for improvements they’ve made

Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so it’s not a big deal)

Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors

Carrying their weight and sharing power

Changing how they respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances

Changing how they act in heated conflicts

Accepting the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them)

Making Bakugou an adult does not change that you need to write him checking his abusive behavior.

Concern:

But Bakugou has changed at this point in the manga---he and Izuku now have an understanding of trust and respect.

Answer:

Bakugou has only demonstrated one instance that he could be changing. Though change for Bakugou is a good and decidedly difficult feat, one instance does not an abusive pattern break.

Let me direct you to the classic cycle of abuse by psychologist Lenore Walker, with helpful manga caps from Ch. 117-121:

1) Tension building phase 

2) Acute battering phase (in which Izuku absolutely does not want to fight at first until he feels obligated to)

3) Honeymoon phase

“The abuse may be terrible, but the promises and generosity of the honeymoon phase give the victim the false belief that everything will be all right.”

Secondly, to the aforementioned abuse-changing bullets Bakugou has not achieved up to after he’s fought with Izuku Ch. 117-121:

Admitting fully to what they have done

Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice

Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured”

Thirdly, to what he is beginning to do

Stopping excuses and blaming

Carrying their weight and sharing power

I concede that Bakugou is making steps towards change because he is a hardheaded egoistic teenager who up to this point hadn’t offered help out of his own volition. But if you’re taking this as a sign that he’s anywhere near lasting and permanent change, even years from now---I almost literally just wrote a foot of text and references as to why that isn’t realistic or respectful towards the realities of abusive behavior. Please realize you are likely oversimplifying his path towards change.

Concern:

Not all kacchako shippers are like that! I know (insert fanworks here) that are respectful, good, etc,

Answer:

Show me. I’m more than willing to take a look and then give you my detailed opinion afterwards, if you’d like.

Concern:

I’m not trying to force a het agenda, I just like the dynamic.

Answer:

I mentioned before that people may not realize their intentions don’t match up with consequences. I just wrote more than 2 hours worth explaining why kacchako doesn’t have a sensical basis for a good relationship and am considering just passing out on the spot right at this moment in sheer exhaustion. I’m just going to post screenshots that actually do have the aforementioned good qualities and ask politely that you consider these respective Ochako and Katsuki ships, instead of kacchako het, which endorses a contrived relationship over not straight ones that actually have a basis of mutual affection in canon:

Fuck, if you really really want to ship Uraraka with a guy Iida and/or Midoriya have plenty of shared affection and solid relationships with her, I trust you don’t need me to screen cap to know that. 

Concern:

If Bakugou is so problematic, wouldn’t any ship with him be problematic (including kiribaku)?

Answer:

Finally a good question. I would say yes and no. Yes, because if you’re a survivor of abuse it’s perfectly valid and understandable not to want to think about Bakugou and his potential romantic partners at all. No, for a variety of reasons, using kiribaku as an example: 

a) Bakugou and Kirishima are established friends with a relatively healthy, mutual relationship. Bakugou has a foul temper but he’s not abusive towards Kirishima, even going out of his way to---admittedly badly---help him study (above caps from the manga and light novel); Kirishima admires Bakugou, finds positive qualities in their friendship, and isn’t cowed, wary, or disgusted by him, like Ochako or Izuku and many others are. tl;dr, there is plenty of solid evidence to back up the mutual affection, respect, and trust between them, something that kacchako and---god forbid---bakudeku lack.

It’s actually good for Bakugou to learn how to develop uncontrolling behaviors through healthy relationships where he doesn't feel the need to dominate over his partner.  He can’t do this with Ochako, with whom he regards as nonexistent at best, and a threat to him as Izuku’s lackey at worst (I discussed this in detail further up). Referring back to the changing abusive behavior list, Bakugou’s relationship with Kirishima demonstrates that Bakugou can learn a) respectful, kind, supportive behaviors and b) carrying weight and sharing power. This doesn’t justify how Bakugou treats others, but it does facilitate a view of how Bakugou would be able to treat others better, which I think is worth exploring.

Concern:

Why do you care so much? People ship bad/problematic stuff all the time lol there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Just let it be or blacklist it or something??

Answer:

I’m maybe foolishly invested in the idea that some people don’t have to be like that when they’re informed and engaged in critical discourse, and well fuck I have time and resources and have already started two godamned things this weekend with fandom out of probably masochistic impulses, so why the fuck not. 

Just because I don’t like something doesn’t mean I’m here to attack people or be unwilling to talk to them about it---rather, I’m more concerned that people are so unwillingly to talk about why the things they like isn’t good?? 

Kacchako is just one instance. I can provide a lot more examples of this kind of behavior in different areas of interest, in detail, with plenty of support and reasons, over private message. Otherwise, I’m not interested in making a detailed -post- of examples of bad kacchakos because honestly, I’ve already spent a lot of my time writing this when I could be discussing more pressing issues. The downsides of hyper focus.

On that note, forgive me if I don’t immediately respond to further replies any time soon after this post. After more than 10 messages that entirely missed the point I’ve exhausted myself thinking people could put aside their first impulses and self-indulgences to maybe formulate better opinions on tumblr.com, rather than sending me vague, misinformed, and/or childishly defensive insults that don’t actually tell me I’m wrong.

[illegiblewords]

Spoilers for Before the Dawn.

When I decided to play FFXIV, my impression was the game initially looked like a reasonably lighthearted JRPG. This is despite the fact that I have no shame at all when it comes to spoilers. I’m all Silent Hill, Bloodborne, Rule of Rose, stuff like that periodically so when I say “reasonably lighthearted” that is my basis for comparison lol. I figured that while including some dark backstory stuff for characters was fine I should try to keep it firmly consistent with what I’ve seen in-game.

Backstory I made for Cenric goes something like this:

Cenric was found at Thal’s Respite as an infant, completely alone. Immin Asher (a wandering medic) found him while mourning his tempered wife. Although he had no way of knowing Cenric’s origins, Immin believed the child was compensation from the Traders for the future he'd lost with his spouse. Growing up, Cenric was very reserved. He acted as an assistant to his adoptive father, which initially meant making medicines to sell. As time went on, he started learning a small amount about medical procedures and how to tend injuries without the luxury of conjuring. Cenric was desensitized to bodies and death from a very young age as a result. Perceived morbidity, his odd appearance, plus constant traveling earned him few friends, and occasionally there would be rumors that he was voidsent or a son of Thal. Immin, when asked, would simply state that there is Duskwight in Cenric's blood despite having no way to prove this. When Cenric was 14, he and Immin reached a village on the outskirts of Thanalan. There were unique resources to collect, so they remained for some time. Partway into their stay plague struck. The two did what they could, but when people started dying panic took the community. A small mob, convinced that the situation was Thal demanding his spawn back, tried to ritually sacrifice Cenric. Immin saved his life but lost his own. Cenric escaped into the desert. For the next few years Cenric made barely enough to get by doing odd jobs, exaggerating his healing abilities for coin, and selling what he could find. He was destitute, embittered by the ingratitude that killed Immin. Cenric's memory surrounding the Calamity is hazy, although he remembers being chased out of town by an exploited mother at one point and being driven by hunger to begging in the streets at another. Cenric became seriously ill a year before his adventure began. The irony of his situation in light of the previous plague drove him to hysteria, and he prayed obsessively at an altar to Nald’thal. Initially this involved demanding answers and recompense for the suffering he’d endured. It later shifted to begging for a chance to do better when his guilt and shame took hold, not only over Immin but the people he’d hurt since. At some point Cenric fainted, which allowed the alarmed priests to remove and treat him. A visiting thaumaturge named Memesu examined Cenric and found he had tremendous aetheric potential. This confirmed nothing, but she was able to direct Cenric toward Ul’dah. She also told Cenric frankly that neither the plague nor what happened to Immin was his fault. Thal conducts all of his transactions directly, if he'd wanted Cenric's life then he would have taken it. Cenric is very cynical, although somewhat more outgoing than he was. Due to his past he craves luxury and status. His previous escapades as a con-artist have left him with a strong desire to do good, so he uses the destructive force of black magic to protect others. He has a decent education due to his upbringing and the time he spent among priests, although there are gaps. He tries to show off more when he’s insecure. His primary minion is a spriggan dust bunny named Itsy.

Why is this relevant to Before the Dawn? Well you see...

My guy literally exploited a bunch of sick people for years with his shallow understanding of medicine. This was after losing his adoptive father in a situation he 100% believes was his fault. He did occasionally get told by aforementioned exploited sick people exactly what a terrible piece of filth he was. He is convinced that he's been marked by the god of death.

For perspective, Cenric is mid-to-late twenties. He spent a looooong time impoverished and conning people.

He spent a couple of years residing with the priests of Nald'thal, and Memesu was specifically how he was able to cast anything during the initial levels. His decision to visit Ul'dah and take up formal training as a thaumaturge was very specifically because of being told he has a weird amount of aether. He tried to make an honest living for himself as an adventurer who uses death-magic to protect others, only to achieve WAY more fame, fortune, and influence than he thinks he's properly earned or deserves. But I mean who's going to look that gift horse in the mouth? Plus it lets him feel like he's making up for some of what he did if he can make things better.

Recruits Crystal Braves personally. Basically all of them turn on him. He gets accused of regicide and bound before his allies without trial. This is after seeing the monarch who naively decided to trust him murdered. His friends largely seem to either get killed or abandon him. He escapes Ul'dah by the skin of his teeth after having been branded a criminal and a monster again.

None of his friends have ever actually asked about his past or what drives him. Technically this is because I mean JRPG where everyone does their Warrior of Light differently, but I'm gonna run with it as a thing that happens. Alphinaud meanwhile, a teenager who has given every indication of using his quest to save Eorzea to honor his grandfather's legacy, is blaming himself since he was commander of the Crystal Braves. This is despite the fact that it was literally Cenric who chose every member of the Crystal Braves. No one vetted these people, they felt lucky to have any volunteers at all.

While Alphinaud, a major figure to the scions and a teenager clearly in way over his head, is blaming himself... there is a reason besides that JRPG setup that Cenric isn't talking as much. He's very aware that who he is as a person is irrelevant to those around him. He has to be the Warrior of Light as a symbol, and he has to seem steady because having TWO leaders (one a grown man) showing this kind of self-doubt would be pretty shattering.

Internally though, given what I very naively put in for that backstory all of these events are just going to reinforce what Cenric has believed about himself all along. He is poison, he has always been poison. It's his nature to be a destructive force who kills everyone he touches. Even if intellectually he understands this was a coup, this overall feels like more of a wake-up call. It makes zero sense for him to have risen to the level of strength and influence he had, or to gain the trust of everyone including literal rulers and deities the way he has. These people were seriously naive and grossly misread what he actually is.

Cenric feels the need to explain this to his remaining friends and allies, because if they keep trusting him 1) he's going to fail them again 2) they will probably end up dead. Midgardsomr at least recognized he was fake and had earned nothing, least of all Hydaelyn's blessing. That further validates all the aforementioned "I am a plague upon humanity" sentiments.

Alphinaud snaps out of his issues by more or less saying it would be dumb to throw everything away in a fit of self-pity. In that moment Cenric realizes he is absolutely not able to tell anyone what's going on, even if he's unsure whether his motives are self-pity or being legitimately terrified that he is going to get everyone killed. This is breakneck speed on the breakdown train. Can't show that though, gotta JRPG smile/nod encouragingly because that's what everyone else needs from the Warrior of Light.

Meanwhile Midgardsomr drops that lovely bit looking to Ishgard. "Thou thinkest thou will find salvation here? Delusion, death, despair. Thou will find naught else here." Or something to that effect, I missed exact phrasing. But yeah, zero comfort to be had in the cute little dragon god. Cenric's like yeah you're right I'll probably murder everyone in Ishgard too. :|

And I do know about Haurchefant. It is destiny.

I have all kinds of fun writing angst yeah, but I’m basically laughing rn because straight up I didn’t even mean for this to go as heavy as it did. Enjoy some cinematic angsty Camp Dragonhead pics while friends are in the next room blissfully unaware lol.

[ninjasai]

Weight Loss (Part 2)

Now on to bad habits.  Here I'm gonna be going over things you wanna keep under control.  As with anything though, it's best to phase things in slowly and operate in moderation.

Bad Habits To Avoid:

1.  Less carbs, more fiber and protein.  Carbs aren't inherently a bad thing.  Noodles, rice, bread, and sugar all provide readily available calories to help fuel your workouts.  However, they should be eaten in moderation.

See, there are three basic macronutrients that provide energy, and they're generally used up by your body in order of preference.  Carbs are your body's preferred energy source: they're easy for your cells to turn into energy and use.  Fats come second.  Once all your carbohydrate stores are used up, your body turns to fat to burn for fuel.  However, when fat reserves run low or if your blood sugar goes has plummetted too far, your body will turn to the last macronutrient out of desperation and break down muscle.

Some people wanna follow the Atkins diet (a strict, zero-carbs plan) and enter the metabolic state known as ketosis: where your body is so starved of sugars and starches that it has no choice but to start burning fat and producing ketone bodies to feed your cells.  Some studies even imply that going into ketosis might be good for your health in some ways, though more research still needs to be done as to whether it really is safe long-term.

Practically speaking though, most people can't handle going without some toast for weeks on end.  And the good thing is, you don't have to.

See, there's another reason to go low-carb, high-protein.  And it has less to do with cell chemistry and more to do with that concept I brought out in my previous post:  satiety.

So quick reminder:  Satiety is the opposite of appetite.  It is the feeling of being satisfied, of not feeling the desire to eat more.  You aren't necessarily full per se, you just don't feel the need to eat any more.

This is important to keep in mind, because different foods produce different levels of satiety when eaten.  Foods that are pure starch shoot through your system really fast and don't make you feel satisfied quite as quickly.  You ever notice how you can eat several plates of pasta, but you would struggle to eat as much chicken because you lose interest in all that meat really quickly?

That's satiety at work, and the take-home message for how you should structure your meals.  Eat less starch not because you want to go into ketosis.  But rather, eat less starch because it doesn't do much for your sense of satiety, and this ends up encouraging you to overeat.  Instead eat more lean protein like chicken or fish, since these tend to fill you up quicker.

Fiber is also an important component in a healthy diet, since it helps fill you up and pad out your stomach.  So if you wanna feel more satisfied with your meals while eating fewer calories, increase both your intake of lean protein and fiber.

2.  Don't drink your calories: Avoid sodas, juices, and smoothies.  Again, the idea here is that whenever you eat anything you want to be sure you get as satisfied and full as you can on as few calories as possible.  Liquids flow right through you, and because of this they don't fill you up the way that solid food would.  By cutting out things like juices and sodas, you won't be pouring excess calories into your system.

There's definitely this misconception that just because juices and smoothies come from fruit, they're healthier.  Definitely not.  Not only does juice not satiate you or fill you up in the way solid food would, it'd also give you heavier sugar spikes since the sugars in the juice are so easily absorbed.  This means an increased risk of diabetes.  If you want to enjoy fruit (and you should, they're delicious and healthy) eat 'em whole instead:  all that nice pulp and fiber will help put bulk into your stomach and fill you up long-term.

Now some people transition to drinking diet soda instead.  They've got zero calories, so they should be fine right?  Well, not so much.  The question of how diet soda impacts your health is a difficult one to address, because how artificial sweeteners affect our biology is still unclear.  There's some research out there that suggests diet soda may screw up our body's ability to recognize calories related to sweetness, which can lead to overeating.  There's also the idea that diet sodas may enable bad habits: the "Big Mac and Diet Coke" phenomenon, where people assume that because they're ordering a diet coke they can get away with eating unhealthy, calorie-dense foods.  Or zero-calorie sweeteners may condition us to have more of a sweet tooth, getting us to crave sugary foods even more.  So even though diet soda may be a step in the right direction if consumed with a responsible diet, it's best to avoid sweet drinks altogether.

Now you don't have to quit juice and soda cold turkey.  Water them down with either plain old water or some club soda.  When I was younger I'd do 2/3 juice to 1/3 water, and over time that'd get more and more dilute.  Your sense of taste will adapt to it over time too, so you'll learn to enjoy lighter drinks that are lower in calories.

Personally, my preferred beverage these days is unsweetened, flavored seltzer.  There's no sugar, no artifical sweeteners, just carbonated water with fruity aromas added to it.  Polar Seltzer, LaCroix, and Arrowhead are all fantastic, though Polar has the best variety and LaCroix has the most interesting flavors.  It takes some getting used to, but I find that with unsweetened seltzers I get a far more refreshing drink with none of the guilt or cloying sweetness.  And they tend to be cheaper than soda too!

3.  Don't obsess over the scale.  Weight isn't a very good short-term indicator of fitness progress for several reasons.

First, your weight can fluctuate by several pounds throughout the day.  Your cycles of eating, drinking, peeing, pooping all change how much you weigh on the scale.  I generally gain one or two pounds right after breakfast, and in the afternoon I've gone to the bathroom sufficiently to drop two or three pounds in all.  If I have a big bowl of noodle soup (super high in sodium) my weight can shoot up by four pounds for a day or two.  Fluctuations might make you feel thrilled that you've apparently lost a couple pounds in a day, but by the next it may make you feel like you've reversed all that progress and worse.  Don't put yourself through this emotional rollercoaster!

Second, water weight will also fool the scale.  Even when you're doing your best on a calorie deficit and legitimately burning loads of fat, your fat cells might just be replacing that lost fat with water.  This is very much a temporary situation as your body adjusts.  Just keep at it, and over time your fat cells will start shedding that water and shrinking down and you may just see a sudden drop in weight.  Cutting down on the sodium for a little while will also help.

Third, if you're also doing a lot of weightlifting at the same time (and you should), you may simply be building muscle at the same time that you're burning fat.  This can give you the illusion that you aren't making progress in losing weight, when in reality you're doing a fantastic job on both getting fit and getting trim at the same time.

So really, don't put too much trust in the scale.  Instead, focus on developing dieting skills like tracking calories, portion control, exercise, and discipline!

4.  Don't do cheat days, do cheat meals instead.  We all need a break from our diets every once in a while, and a cheat meal is a legit way to unwind.  But it's important not to go overboard with this.  A cheat meal once a week or so should be a temporary break from your diet where you just relax and push calorie-counting in the back of your mind for an hour or so.  But you want to try your best to use the rest of your day to make it up by cutting calories elsewhere.  If you can still make a deficit, great.  If you're in neutral mode, that's good too.  If you eat a little past your daily caloric requirement, that's not so bad, just try a little harder next time.

The important thing to do when it comes to cheating around your diet occasionally is to not fall into the trap of saying "Well I just broke my diet rule, might as well break it even further" or go down that slippery slope of "eh I already broke my diet rules today, no harm in breaking another."

The rules and boundaries you set for your diet aren't absolute.  If you think of them in absolute terms you'll end up operating on extremes of binging and fasting, and that just isn't sustainable.

5.  Don't push yourself too hard.  Know when to slow down.  At some point weight loss is more about vanity than personal health.  Vanity is fine, but give yourself permission to slow down with your diet and moderate your sense of control.  Getting an eating disorder is the nasty other end of the spectrum that people need to watch out for.

Just remember that moderation is crucial, and that includes moderation in how fit you want to be.  If you want to get down to 8% body fat, develop abs like a rockstar, and pecs like a Greek god, more power to you.  But not everyone has the time or energy to achieve this, and not all people should have this as their ultimate goal.  Come to understand what healthy body type is best for your given lifestyle and try to work towards it.

And seriously, don't be ashamed if you have a little bit of pudge.  If you're still eating right and exercising, it'd even be healthier for you to be a teeny bit overweight than being too lean.  One of my friends had totally ripped abs and a gorgeous chest, but when he got the stomach flu his body didn't have any spare energy to burn through to help him recover.  He ended up being out of commission for a week, lost a TON of muscle mass, and when I saw him again the poor guy's cheeks were hollowed out and he was probably twenty pounds lighter.

So yeah.  Unless you're dead set on a superhero bod it's good to be comfortable with having some body fat.  Learn to slow down and love yourself, and appreciate the progress you've made.

[samtheflamingomain]

time to change (names)

I came out as a trans man in 2011. I legally changed my name on my 18th birthday from “Samantha Kathleen” to “Samuel Gabriel” just in time to have my new name on my high school diploma.

I’m going to have to get a new diploma.

For the second time in 5 years, I’ll be changing my name again. 

The one part of my name that I didn’t touch last time was of course my last name. If only I’d known that my entire family would disown me and I could’ve saved the paperwork.

Abrams is the name of a tank. It’s also the name of an abusive, disgusting piece of shit human being whose sperm resulted in my birth. I refuse to call him my father any longer, because he isn’t. He’s a monster.

It’s been a long time, and I’m finally ready to tell the story. So here goes, strap yourselves in.

It’s Thursday, February 9th at 2 in the morning. I’m manic. My mother birthgiver Lois is away visiting family. My father sperm donor Scott is asleep. It’s been days since I slept, and I can’t remember when Lois is returning from her trip. A brilliant idea comes to mind: perhaps her date of return is somewhere on Scott’s phone. So I look.

This is the last moment of my life “Before”.

The last person Scott had texted was not Lois, but Lisa. He’s not subtle. “Lois is away this week” “Come over” “Skip Bible Study and come over” “I’m bored” “It has to be tonight, she’s coming home tomorrow”.

I’m shaking and crying because I’d heard Lois accusing him of cheating before and every time I thought she was crazy. She wasn’t.

I need to take a brief interlude here to talk a bit about Lisa. Because I know her. So does Lois. She’s a family friend. A grad student at the University of Waterloo. A regular volunteer. A Bible thumper. In fact, while I was away at school last year, she needed a place to stay for a week. I let my parents offer her my room. My bed.

I never met her until Halloween of 2016. She wouldn’t look at me. I thought she was just shy. 

And, only because it’s relevant, I need to tell you what all these people look like. Scott is 50, has long grey hair, towers at a massive stature of 5′5″ and weighs a hefty 210. He’s average-looking, slightly on the ugly side. Lisa is 30, Chinese, long black hair and slightly overweight. But she’s pretty.

And why does this matter? Because when I showed Lois the texts, she told me there was absolutely no possible way that Lisa would want to fuck Scott. She “just knew”. 

I spend the last day in Scott’s presence desperately trying not to choke him to death. Lois will be home from her parents’ at 8pm. I start planning how I’ll help expose him and get Lois to kick him out.

But he’s a fucking snake. He knows how to play this game. He’s done this before. As soon as Lois gets home and sits down, HE mentions that Lisa came over. Just for an innocent visit of course. 

I join the “family” and absolutely grill him. When was that? What did they do? Why didn’t he mention her the THREE TIMES I asked if he’d done anything last night while I was out. He’s fumbling, sweaty and defensive. He had NO CLUE that I had the proof.

But it’s not enough. Lois, usually ablaze with suspicion at the slightest indication that he may’ve cheated, defends him. She’s so far in denial that she’ll accept any terrible, fallacious argument excuse he’s got. He focuses in on the fact that I looked at his phone. 

Now, Scott has always been a very, very angry man. He has a disability, and the medication he takes for it mellows him out a bit. He started taking it in 2008 - the same year as the last time he hit me. The first time, I was 7.

I’ve told Lois this but she always has a different excuse. “It was ages ago” “That’s not really him” “It’s just because he’s sick, he’s better now” and my personal favourite, “You were being a brat. You deserved it.”

I tell you this because, since 2008, I’d never seen him as angry as he was on February 10th at 10pm. He positively screamed at me to mind my own fucking business and get the fuck out. Terrified like never before, I retreat to the basement, lock my door, and huddle alone in my bedroom until noon the next day when Scott leaves for his once-a-week volunteer position at a local shelter. Where he met Lisa.

I’m ready, though. I’m equipped with tabs and tabs of webpages, all highlighted and organized to get Lois to believe me. But I don’t even get to open my laptop when I come upstairs. The first thing she says to me is, “He didn’t do it, and we’ve both had enough of your abuse and accusations.”

That’s right. I’M the abusive one. I’m so desperate and scared and I feel everything crashing down around me. The worst case scenario is upon me. I know she’ll never believe me. We fight, and I retreat to the basement.

I begin furiously hate-texting Scott, informing him that I literally will not stop until he admits it and leaves. He calls me.

I run upstairs while I’ve got him on the phone. He admits it - just before I reach Lois and put it on speakerphone. He talks his way out of it, of course. And because she’s been under his spell for 30 years, it doesn’t take a whole lot to convince her that I’m lying, misconstruing and/or inventing his words. 

I’ve been abused and gaslit so long that I can’t take it anymore. Lois is convinced by Scott’s “argument” that I’m the problem, I should’ve minded my own business, and now I’m ruining the “family”. I’m too mentally ill to know what I’m talking about. I’m psychotic - says him. In actuality, I’m just fucking pissed.

Lois is completely on his side. She’s hysterically screaming at me to pack my shit and leave or she’s calling the cops to have me committed. Because I’M psychotic. I head downstairs to pack. 

As I’m doing so, Scott calls me again to tell me he’s coming home “to talk about this”. 

“Talk about what, how you’re a psychopath cheating piece of shit?” I inquire curiously. 

“People have affairs all the time, it doesn’t mean it’s your business.” Another admission of guilt.

“Well Lois just kicked me out, so it’s my business now.” I hang up. Just as I’m ready to leave, he walks in the door. More abuse, more gaslighting, more lying. It ends with Lois wailing at me to get the fuck out of her house before she calls the cops. I’m more than happy to oblige, and head for the front door.

They have a small enclosed mudroom outside the front door. He gets me alone there, between me and the way out. “You don’t have to be like this. You just have to learn to mind your own business, and you can stay.” He’s extremely intense. If I wasn’t so pissed, I would’ve been terrified.

I push past him, tell him he’s a piece of shit, and run out the door, flipping him off as I run down the street.

I spend the next 4 days at friends’ houses. By Monday, I’m completely out of energy, money and hope. Lois will not hear me. She doesn’t even believe me when I text her from the hospital on Monday night. I was brought in via ambulance with several suicide notes written at a friend’s house while she was asleep. She woke up just in time to call 9-1-1.

I spend the next 26 hours in a torture chamber known as the Extended Assessment Unit, a part of the hospital. Unable to sleep, I enjoy the full depths of a psychotic episode from inside my “bedroom.” They won’t sedate me no matter how much I’m screaming and crying from the hallucinations.

Exhausted, I pass out for two hours. When I wake up, a nurse gives me a phone and a list of shelters to call. After 8 hours of calling shelters and not being fed, I’m discharged with nowhere to go. None of the shelters have a bed for me, and neither does the hospital.

I stay at a friend’s for one more night. I wake up so extremely suicidal that I run outside and look for a busy road to lay down in. Friend calls 9-1-1, cops arrive and cuff me for my own safety. They take me back to the hospital.

This time I don’t even get a bed, I didn’t even see a fucking doctor. I’m only there 4 hours and they release me. Both times, I didn’t even see a fucking psychiatrist. I’m Bipolar, and on no meds because my psychiatrist is a fucking idiot. And they don’t care.

Sitting in the hospital lobby crying, I eat my last meal. My body is so tired and sick that I throw it right back up. I have no more friends to stay with. I have no more hospitals that might want to save my life. I text Lois her congratulations. She won. He won.

She’s still pissed at me, tells me to stop being so dramatic and grow up. I’ve texted her everything that I’ve been going through, and she thinks I’m lying about going to the hospital, but she also “hopes I can get the help I obviously need.”

I sit at a bus stop in the cold for about two hours before Lois finally breaks. “Please don’t do anything stupid. I’ll come and get you.”

She’s rolling her eyes as I drag my lifeless body into her car. She thinks I’m faking. “I’ll put you in a motel for a few days. Find a place to live. Don’t say I never help you, I spent my whole life trying to help you and all you do is abuse me in return.”

Night one at the motel is sleepless. I’m exhausted but can’t sleep, I’m starving but can’t eat without it coming back up seconds later. I’ve been pissing from my ass for three days. My body is shutting down. I call a crisis line, which refers me to a soup kitchen all the way across town.

I manage to get on the bus and into the kitchen. It’s 8am, and they serve a meal at 11:30. I leave, sit on the sidewalk and start bawling, taking short breaks to wretch and exude stomach bile into the snow.

That’s the last thing I have a solid memory of. I vaguely remember calling Lois and being picked up. She took me back and bought me a salad. I eat, manage to keep it down, and sleep for 6 glorious hours, the longest I’d slept in a month.

I wake up the next day, Saturday, February 18th. I start crying - because I’m HAPPY. For the first time since I was 4 or 5, I felt an emotion that I could recognize as happiness.

This is long enough as it is, so I’ll save my newfound happiness for another post (several posts, actually). I’ve got enough food to last me until my next disability check. I’m looking at an apartment tomorrow. I’m so incredibly ready to get better.

I’ll take Lois’ guilty-ass “help” but it doesn’t change the fact that she kicked me out and called me a liar. I will never forgive her. I actively look forward to Scott’s impending demise because he is a literal psychopath with no redeeming human value. I pity Lois, but she’s made her bed and now she’ll be lying in it for the rest of her miserable life.

So to come full circle, I’m changing my last name. I have no family left, no maiden names to take. I’ve been thinking intensely for the past few days, and I finally found the right name.

When I lived in France for a semester I lived with a loving, kind family, la famille Sansoucy, which translates to “without worry”. I can’t think of a more perfect description of my mind, nor a family more worthy of my respect. 

It is my utmost pleasure to introduce myself. I am Samuel Gabriel Sansoucy. And I am going to finally get better.

[robertbassweb]

Law Of Attraction One Minute Manifestation Tips – The Secret

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Law Of Attraction One Minute Manifestation Tips

Law Of Attraction One Minute Manifestation Tips

If you have actually been dealing with manifesting your wishes, these fantastic manifestation exercises by Janeen Clark will certainly help you get into positioning to manifest anything you want!

Janeen Clark is a Spiritual Life Train who has been teaching, studying and using the Law of Attraction for nearly two decades.

If you would love to learn more of Janeen’s posts, please visit her blog site at The Extremely Pleased Human.

    One Minute Manifestation Tips

Manifestation Workout # 1, the Gratefulness List

I presume it was about 10 years earlier when I had hit one of the greatest “funks” in my life time.

A fantastic 15 min manifestation exercise that will certainly aid jump start you to feeling far better and also creating even more of what you desire in your life.

  Manifestation Workout # 2, Prepaving What You Desire

The Law of Attraction is the Law of deep space that specifies that what you think of and focus on is what you bring into your life to experience.

While most individuals recognize the concept of assuming positively of

  Manifestation Exercise # 3, Give deep space Its Own Job Listing

Rather than driving on your own insane, allow Universe deal with the jobs that you aren’t prepared to manage. The following is an exercise that I have learned from Abraham-Hicks. They refer to is as the Placemat Exercise.

However, since I do my tasks listing on my computer system or in a notebook I began psychologically calling it the Universe Job List as well as the name stuck with me.

  Manifestation Workout # 4– Develop Even More Money With the Success Video game

This is another exercise first presented by Abraham Hicks that I have actually found to be exceptionally helpful in creating more cash in my life. Quite often a lot of us claim that we desire even more cash.

However because the concept of “really having” a great deal of money is so international to us– we locate it really hard to produce it from our present experience.

  Manifestation Exercise # 5– How to Develop What You Desired For Your Future

Do you presently have a goal that you want to acquire, but are unclear of what the following step should remain in attaining it? Learn how to produce a plan for your success by being successful currently!

  Manifestation Exercise # 6– End up being the Writer and Supervisor of Your Life

” All the globe’s a phase, And all the men and ladies merely gamers”. For some reason I have actually constantly suched as that claiming. It just seems to roll easily off the tongue.

I can not also inform you the number of times I have actually heard other individuals estimate it also.

  Manifestation Exercise # 7– Eliminate the Adverse Past as well as Get a New Beginning

Envision that you have this pal. Your best friend. A close friend that has actually been with everything with you in life, all of your ups and also downs.

  Manifestation Exercise # 8, Using Your Higher Self

This exercise is designed to advise you of that you truly are.

A different kind of meditation method if you will, to assist you get more made use of to connecting with your Higher Self daily and to connect with the caring, peaceful being that you truly are, as opposed to the false identification your ego is attempting to persuade you that you are.

  Manifestation Exercise # 9– Listing of 100 Points

O.K. So in finding out how to make use of the Law of Attraction you have realized the basics. Think positively– not adversely. Positive brings excellent outcomes– adverse brings negative. I’m quite sure most of us have that component clear.

  Manifestation Workout # 10– Exactly How to Promptly Really Feel Relief From Guilt

As the majority of us recognize, the sensation of Guilt is probably one of the hardest emotions to take care of.

It is a type of a punch-in-the-gut feeling you would do just about anything to rid on your own of. It can occasionally make you flinch, wish to flee, or do anything humanly feasible you can do to make it better.

  Manifestation Workout # 11– Finding the Hidden Positives Behind the Downsides

This is a good exercise to make use of when you wish to find what is really going on behind the scenes of your negative experiences. There is something favorable past them– you just need to discover what it is.

You see, your higher self sees past time and also present conditions.

  Manifestation Workout # 12– How to Attract & Produce a Happier Love Connection

Ahhh … Relationships. They can give the highest possible of highs or the most affordable of lows. They can be so addictive … have so much feeling … and also in some cases cause you so many issues you wish to yell!

  Manifestation Exercise # 13- Find Out How Much You Really Worth Yourself

Among the most interesting points I enjoy regarding frequently studying brand-new publications about the Law of Attraction and Spirituality is that I actually discover something new everyday.

Also something I may have heard 100 times before can take on a new significance to me, relying on the new location I am presently standing.

I have actually been studying the Law of Attraction now for almost 20 years, and there have actually been quite a few shockers along the way that have actually stuck out in my mind.

  Manifestation Exercise # 14– Developing Your Own Spiritual Advice

This is among the most enjoyable workouts I have actually discovered in awhile. I originally got the idea from Paul Piotrowski from InspiredMoneyMaker.com.

  Manifestation Exercise # 15– Discover to Relieve Yourself As You Would certainly a Kid

O.K. so you have been around for awhile. You have actually experienced much of life’s ups and downs and have accumulated a great deal of expertise while doing so.

I am sure you know the distinction in between right and wrong as well as the pettiness you sometimes need to endure when handling the world. You have a pretty good suggestion of what jobs and what does not.

    Manifestation Workout # 16– Manifesting Pink Flamingos as well as Yellow Cars

If you are having a tough time manifesting what you want in life, there is a likelihood that you just require some technique. Nevertheless you would not attempt to run a marathon without a little prior training initially.

The exact same opts for the large Indications. You can see just how it could be difficult going from extremely bad to very abundant in one dropped swoop (not impossible), but harder, if you have not exercised your manifesting strategy yet.

  Manifestation Exercise # 17– One More Enjoyable Means to Interact With Your Greater Self

The first time I saw a person usage this type of style for communicating with their greater selves was the Conversation With God series by Neale Donald Walsh.

I absolutely enjoyed those books when I initially reviewed them, and already, every from time to time, I am inspired to open one if I am seeking a response to a concern.

(That is another Manifestation workout I will certainly be discussing in the future.

  Manifestation Exercise # 18– Just how to Modification the Adverse in Just 21 Days

Did you recognize that you can change an unfavorable core belief in only 21 days? Even if it is a thought you have had for three decades?

  Manifestation Exercise # 19– Compose a “Future You” Journal

Do you want to have a little enjoyable? If so, then begin a “Future You Journal” today. Write a journal describing what your Future You is experiencing and feeling.

What your Future You looks like and what a day in the life of the Future You does.

  Manifestation Workout # 20– Give Your Ego a Day Off– Produce a Genuinely Relaxed Day

For eventually you will certainly not listen to your ego’s nagging, criticism, or concern. For just for someday you are just going to “be”.

  Manifestation Exercise # 21– Watching For the Indicators From Universe

One of the most crucial points that showed to me that the Law of Attraction was without a doubt real was my individual experience with synchronicity.

The technical interpretation of Synchronicity is as complies with: the experience of two or more occasions which take place in a purposeful fashion, however which are causally un-related.

In order to be ‘synchronistic’, the events should be associated with each other temporally, as well as the opportunity that they would certainly take place together by arbitrary possibility has to be extremely tiny when all points integrated.

  Manifestation Exercise # 22– Today is the Day to Do Something Different

Energy is constantly moving as well as changing. However if it really feels that absolutely nothing is ever before transforming for you directly, it is for a very basic factor. Every day you maintain making the very same decisions.

  Manifestation Exercise # 23– Discover Just How Huge Your Greater Self Actually Is

The adhering to workout is made to show you just how “Large” you truly are. It is a mental and aesthetic workout that will assist soothe you right away if you feel you are coming to be overwhelmed with an issue or tough circumstance.

  Manifestation Exercise # 24– Going After Your Objective With Every One Of Your Heart

Concentrate on your objective like a laser beam of light. If all of your positive intentions as well as emotions, your body and soul, are associated with your undertaking, Universe can’t aid but respond with the exact same matching energy.

  Manifestation Workout # 25– Keeping a Spiritual Growth Journal

Do not you just love it when you checked out something that provides you that A-ha minute– an excellent minute of clearness– a “why really did not that ever occur to my prior to?” moment?

Don’t you just hate it when two days later on you completely neglect what the awe-inspiring thought was that caused that sensation? Create a journal today to keep in mind your most awe motivating moments!

  Manifestation Exercise # 26– Just how to “Truly” Reduce Weight Making Use Of the Law of Attraction

So is it possible to “assume” yourself slim? Absolutely!

However there are a few other minor steps you need to take. Figure out just how to actually drop weight making use of The Law of Attraction.

  Manifestation Workout # 27– Drawing In the Perfect Love Companion Or Partnership

This is a workout created to aid you draw in “the” dream relationship you have always wanted. It may obtain a little prolonged (the article and also the exercise) yet can be very informing. So below we go.

  Manifestation Workout # 28– Mastering the Art of Allowing

Among the hardest ideas to deal with when it comes to the Law of Attraction is the part about permitting.

We are told that we are intended to mention our wishes, believe that they are being given us then step aside and “allow” it to take place.

Yet as you have actually most likely seen for yourself this can sometimes be extremely tough to do.

  Manifestation Exercise # 29– The Self Appreciation Checklist

So, you want the Law of Attraction to work for you.

You ask Universe (or your higher self, if your prefer) for a list of points that you would like to draw in into your life, however time and time again they don’t seem to be forthcoming.

  Manifestation Exercise # 30– Faking it Till You Make It

I’ve lately simply read a publication labelled How Come That Pinhead’s Rich and I’m Not? by Robert Shemin. (I bought it since I absolutely enjoyed the title!

    Video: Law Of Attraction One Minute Manifestation Tips

Date: 2019-04-18 15:11:01

Check the best Manifestation Resource

I’ve been posting these quick law of attraction manifestation tips on my Instagram account (@your.youniverse) for a few weeks and thought they would be a great way to give my YouTube family some easy on-the-go tips to stay focused and create new habits so you can manifest more of what you want!

(You will still get my detailed Sunday videos as well!)

Happy Manifesting!

#lawofattraction #thesecret #youtube

Law Of Attraction | the secret | mind | powerful | key | success | life | coach | coaching | training | inspiration | motivation | coaching (industry) | motivational | powerful | technique | inspirational | new | 2019 | attract | create | manifest | how to manifest what you want | how to attract what you want | learn this | Your Youniverse Channel | Law Of Attraction One Minute Manifestation Tips – 12 (The Secret) Your Youniverse Series

    Resources:

Doenload our free manifestation guide.

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If you liked it, I would really appreciate it if you can share it using one of the social sharing icons.

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Law Of Attraction One Minute Manifestation Tips

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Pregnancy Week 15 with Type 1 Diabetes: Perfectionism vs Sanity

New Post has been published on http://type2diabetestreatment.net/diabetes-type-1/pregnancy-week-15-with-type-1-diabetes-perfectionism-vs-sanity/

Pregnancy Week 15 with Type 1 Diabetes: Perfectionism vs Sanity

By Grace Wall

There have been studies that show girls and women with type 1 diabetes have a stronger chance of developing an eating disorder. Type 1 diabetics are constantly counting and measuring food, and measuring their level of success at managing diabetes (which is impossible to get right all the time) multiple times a day through a number on their blood glucose meter. Constant cognizance of being evaluated and judged on how vigilant we are with food, with exercise and with diabetes management is not always best.

I think it was around the time I was diagnosed that I developed perfectionist tendencies and the need to control any situation. I was ten years old and diabetes honestly didn’t seem like a big deal to me. Adults were always telling me new things I had to do: you need to brush your teeth, you need to set the table, you need to go to summer running camp, you need to come home when the streetlights come on, and now you need to check your blood sugars and take insulin through a syringe. It didn’t phase me.

That is until I saw when my blood sugars were out of range, worry would appear on my parents’ faces. When my blood sugars were good, they would proudly pat me on the back. I saw what grief I caused them when my blood sugars were out of range and I made it my goal to get as close to range as I could.

But how could I? I didn’t have the technology we have now. It took my meter 45 seconds to register a blood sugar! I began to feel lots of shame when my parents would look at my sugar log and ask about different patterns. They were only concerned and I took it as something I had done wrong. But I did nothing wrong. I did not cause my diabetes. As an adult, nineteen years later, that sentence feels cathartic to type.

Fast forward to present day. I am in my 15th week of pregnancy with my first child and I have never tried so hard to manage my diabetes. In the beginning every time my blood sugar would go over 140 I would feel guilty, but I have learned to use the reading as a tool that indicates I need to adjust my insulin needs for tomorrow. I have found it helpful to take a walk when my blood sugar is high and have already given insulin to correct it. It speeds up the absorption rate, and my dog doesn’t mind all the extra walks he’s getting!

I did have one scary day last week where I was 240 for 4 hours and I could not figure out why. The day before I had spoken with my high-risk OB/GYN about some high blood sugars which he believed just meant the placenta was doing its job and (here’s the fun part) starting to work against me by creating insulin resistance.

But this particular high event was not coming down with insulin or walking. I was freaking out, to say the least, and feeling more guilty I was hurting the baby with each passing minute. Of course, it was a busy work day too so that did not help. I had a pounding headache, had to go to the bathroom close to every 5 minutes and felt nauseous.

Finally, I realized my insulin pump infusion site had disconnected. Not fallen out, just unhooked the quarter of a turn it took for me to get none of the insulin I had been pumping the last few hours. I immediately reconnected and bolused for 7 units. I felt more guilty for being so stupid. In my 17 years of using an insulin pump, I hadn’t had this happen once. I have had my site completely rip out, but this was inexcusable in my perfectionist book.

As I began to reframe the situation, my guilt and anxiety tapered. I rarely wear my site on my stomach, which is where it was at the time, and as my stomach has gotten larger with a growing baby the last few weeks, it has created a variable I have not encountered before. I am getting used to my new body and I may have accidentally bumped my site.

I have also been wearing maternity pants and the waistband on those are great for growing bellies, bad for holding up pumps. Going to the bathroom throughout the day creates multiple opportunities while pulling down and pulling up those pants, where I could have knocked something loose.

The guilt of that high day registered through the roof for me. I remember feeling so defeated. However, I also recognize that I am only human and I am doing my absolute best for this baby. I think it’s truly impossible for me to try any harder (I have given up chips and salsa, pizza, diet Coke and beer for God’s sake!), and that is why I am letting it go. My husband calls it “clearing the mechanism” and it’s what we do when we come home and need to just forget about what happened at work that day. I am “clearing the mechanism” on this hyperglycemic episode and starting fresh tomorrow.

My team of high-risk OB/GYN’s have told me that I don’t need to see my regular OB/GYN anymore. I ignored that and have kept seeing her. I like her – a lot. She helped me through my first and second miscarriages and always has great things to say. She is a realist, which I appreciate.

On my last visit with her she told me I’m doing a great job with the pregnancy, the diabetes, running while pregnant, and everything and told me I need to stress less and start enjoying the pregnancy, because it’s going to be over before I know it.

I will continue to be diligent with my blood sugars but she’s right, I plan to start enjoying the pregnancy more. I plan to value my sanity over my guilt and stop being so hard on myself. I’ve lasted almost 19 years with diabetes and if this baby is anything like its parents, it’s a fighter and it will be healthy and happy.

Photo Credit: Grace Wall

Post Views: 0Diabetes Type 2 Treatment 800 Calorie Diabetic Diet Diabetes Destroyer Video Reviews Original Article

[dietauthority]

10 ways to spot a burnout and 11 ways to handle it

Hey everybody, As you may have discovered, the fashion week season remains in complete blossom, yet I am hanging around in my comfy home in warm Barcelona.

In instance you could question why: for the past couple of weeks - or also months - I've been under a lot of stress and I chose to unwind this season. I have actually been doing some study as well as I concerned the final thought that I'm on the side of a fatigue because of an overload of expectations, workload, stress and also perfectionism.

" However you have actually been doing terrific! What happened?" Exactly, I have actually been doing more than great all these weeks. As a matter of fact, I've been doing SO excellent that my present workload is around 75 hours a week, not counting the other hrs I spend thinking of job on the side (I'm not also joking, I've been monitoring my hours). It would certainly be charming to already make enough money to employ people to take on a component of that workload, but as long as I'm not there yet, I'm on my very own. And considering that I want my job to be premium, I will certainly not quit working until it's excellent. Competition is however, could you blame me?

I was questioning whether I need to create concerning this, or even allow any person understand that I could have concerns because the globe of social networks is meant to be best. I neither desired to give the suggestion that I'm attempting to obtain compliments or focus with this: I merely figured that since my blog site is meant to be about me aiding people with my personal experiences, it would certainly be hypocrite of me to overlook the unfavorable things. As well as that knows, maybe I can in fact aid a person by speaking regarding my very own experience. Specifically in the world of creative freelancers I am sure there are more of you around that are on the side of a fatigue, considering that we never ever appear to be able to stop functioning. So this is for you: allow's feel better with each other! In the video I discuss everything you have to know, however in situation you wish to find out more details, check out the text below: 

First of all, it is necessary to recognize which variables are likely to add to a burnout:

Poor work/life balance

Lack of resources, training or support required to do your job

Stressful workplace dynamics

Being took part in job that you don't find meaningful or important

Failing to carry out proper self-care (workout, eating well, etc.)

Perfectionistic tendencies

Secondly, we have to locate the indications of an exhaustion in order to recognize whether we are dealing with one, so I did some research and made a checklist of the 10 most common symptoms.

1. Lack of ability to quit believing regarding work

Obviously it's regular to think of work in your downtime, however when it becomes compulsive you might wish to consider taking a few deep breaths as well as CHILL.

2. Constant exhaustion

Waking up exhausted everyday, no issue how lots of hours you rest? Do you really feel frequently like you are at completion of your resources, psychologically as well as physically? Besides that this is a signs and symptom for a fatigue, it also is for other health and wellness issues ... so obtain yourself checked!

3. Poor job performance

Even though you always utilized to shake your work, now you are really feeling too weary and also can't appear to focus on your jobs anymore. You're putting things off and privately wishing another person will repair the mess.

4. Guilt

Even though you're frequently (obsessively) functioning, you still can't seem to obtain it right. The tons is as well heavy or you can not focus ... anyway: you really feel responsible for not having the ability to finish your job. Which typically leads to functioning also more.Are we sensing a pattern here ...?

5. Mood modifications, inflammation and also cynicism

Burnouts trigger psychological fatigue and also a loss of a sense of personal success, that makes the mood unstable. If you're really feeling out of control, it's very easy to take those feelings out on those around you. You could be so bewildered by your very own problems as well as exhaustion that minor inconveniences bring about extreme sensations of anger as well as irritability. At the workplace you could end up being cynic and also pessimistic, which is identified by regular isolation. Simply put: you are NOT in your pleased place.

6. Social Isolation

The mix of fatigue, depression, sense of guilt as well as a sensation of failure can lead us to isolate ourselves from others. You begin feeling embarrassed about your job as well as you favor to don't be around individuals all also much. I indicate ... not everybody needs to know you are a failing, so it's far better if they do not see it right?

7. Unhealthy lifestyle choices

You are currently worn down and depressed, who has time or power for cooking a well balanced meal as well as going to the health club? You may be eating excessive (or insufficient), select harmful foods and also stop working out. You likewise may be consuming even more alcohol than you used to, in order to get away the nervous or depressive sensations. Did I hear any person state satisfied hour?

8. Loss of enjoyment in daily activities

Since you are obsessed with your job and efficiency, you don't really feel like you can really appreciate your daily activities anymore ... not like you made use of to at least. You not feel satisfied with your individual life, you may also feel apathetic or fearful ... is that the guilt speaking.

9. Difficulty sleeping

Frequently being incapable to fall or stay asleep - specifically if associateded with by thoughts of work - can be a signs and symptom of a breakdown. You are feeling too distressed to rest, makings you even much more exhausted throughout the day and also execute even worse at the office ... as well as the vicious cycle continuous.

10. Stress-Related health and wellness problems

People struggling with fatigue commonly experience health issues commonly associated with anxiety and also anxiety. These can consist of gastrointestinal troubles, pain in the back, constant migraines as well as reduced energy levels. Make sure that the doctor depends on date concerning your physical, in addition to mental state!

So ... in case you might feel like you can associate with one of these ten signs: you could have an exhaustion, or at least be headed to one. So keep reviewing! It's time for the most fundamental part: how to manage a burn out:

1. Lower understood stressors at work

Analyze what are the things worrying you out most about your job. Are they truly worth worrying concerning that much?

2. Make healthy and balanced way of life choices

Even though you may not really feel like it, keep dealing with yourself! Eat well and keep working out: it will not be a magic universal remedy for a breakdown, but it will absolutely improve your energy levels and also assist you manage stress.

3. Talk with your working environment

Since your burnout is affecting your work performance, it's crucial to talk to your boss or the people you collaborate with. Discuss your concepts on reducing your stress levels along with increasing the job efficiency. Do not forget to be clear about exactly what you require, and how these approaches will enhance your efficiency at work!

4. Take a leave of absence

In situation you truly can not manage your work anymore, you need to absolutely think about relaxing to offer your mind and also body a chance to relax. If you don't take some time on your own you will just make it even worse, no person will enjoy with that!

5. Use your spare time for anything apart from work

It is typical for individuals that are on the side of a breakdown to use their spare time to obtain ahead on work, wishing that this will reduce their stress levles throughout the day. Research programs, nevertheless, that investing your off-hours doing non occupational social as well as physical tasks really help you stop - or recuperate from - a burnout

6. Set Boundaries

Be strict to on your own by making sure you will not take on too much work or spend your spare time functioning. Offer on your own policies such as "weekends are cost-free" or "after 20.00 I need to quit working", as well as learn just how to claim 'no' to jobs which might not be that intriguing for you, in order to minimize your workload.

7. Make Changes if necessary

Obviously food is not functioning the means it should, so aim to find out what it is. Reorganize on your own and your job: compare the principle of your brand/company to your present tasks, make a structurized weekplanning to produce a much better review as well as start prioritizing!

8. Learn to Switch off

Sometimes it's extremely tempting to 'merely swiftly finish this task', and after that brand-new things keep turning up so you entirely forgot you remained in your 'off time'. Do not fret: tomorrow is one more day, answering that mail can wait 8 extra hrs! Be rigorous to on your own and try to absolutely appreciate your totally free time.

9. Ditch the Technology

Okay, I understand this is a though one! Particularly for the blog writers around ... our phones and also laptop computers are our spirit pets. At least try this: take - at the very least - 30 minutes to examine your phone after waking up: consume a mug of tea, do some extending, enjoy an appeal regimen, have morning meal ... whatever you do, merely do NOT touch your phone while doing so! The very same matters the Thirty Minutes before going to sleep. It's not great to have a countless working cycle, it gives so a lot even more stress.

10. Start a new Hobby

A leisure activity is a wonderful means to obtain your 'me-time' and also having fun! It's the most effective means to swtich off and to even work with your healhier lifestyle (showing off, dance, strolling, everything counts!). Is there something you've been intending to do permanently yet never ever made the effort? This is your chance

11. Find support

Avoid social seclusion by speaking with your pals and also family about your existing dip. Trust fund me, they will be more than delighted to assist you! Allow them take you out for a favorite, a good dinner, the cinema, whatever! Any type of distraction matters. It will certainly really feel terrific to have their support as well as like around you, I promise.

I hope with this post I had the ability to assist amongst you overachieving creatives out there! From currently on I will absolutely start working with myself: this month I will be publishing a bit less, yet I will be discussing blogposts on ways to make your life less complicated with tips on organizing yourself, improving your Instagram skills, photography abilities as well as more!

Lots of Love,

Lynn

P. s. For more reading on Fatigues you can have a look at these resources:

- Inc.com: 5 Surprising indicators of Burnout

- Inc.com: 10 indications you're movinged towards a Burnout

- The Guardian: How you can acknowledge, avoid and take care of exhaustion in a Creative Job