#but at least today im out of my bed
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Calling out of work will never not feel terrible terrible bad terrible but I have to remind myself that I work for a corporate company so :/
#granted it feels terrible in the context of our individual atore#cause my manager is really nice#and i hate to call out but im sp exhausted#like cannot fathom getting out of bed rn tired#idk how long i slept but could have only been like an hour#smthn occured to me today about my 'sudden' health issues#is thag theyre not sudden#and i have a ballpark of when they started#but i have to make a timeline#i just didn't notice them the way i am now cause mental illness tends to distract me#and i also tend to just go go go until i cant anymore#i didnt notice them as much when i lived in the city cause i walked EVERYWHERE and couldn't afford to#pay attention to my body#so yeah#symptoms have been there since January 2022 at least#prob before that but i dont remember much of that
47 notes
·
View notes
Text
everyones more than welcome to send me asks about stuff* btw, i know i havent been that good in answering, but i think thats largely bc i always want to do too much, like .. drawing entire character design sheets and everything and then never having the energy or motivation for it so it sits around like all of my hundreds of wips i never finished bc i lost energy/motivation, waiting for it to come back .. which might never happen (and i still dont know how to handle compliments ,, i might never will tbh- if i havent answered a compliment its very very likely i dont know how to properly convey my gratitude- feeling like theres no amount of things i can do or say to 'pay back'? ... kinda weird if you think about it .. but i am weird so what do i know jsklfnhsdk, i promise you i treasure it)
im pretty sure not everyone that sends an ask expects a drawing or multiple and pages long text right? thats my skewed perspective isnt it?
*stuff being like .. about my ocs, about my zelda comic, about the totk rewrite project, suggestions, ideas, rants too, kind of anything though im less likely to respond to personal things (and in case theres anyone newer to tumblr, asks dont have to be literal questions, you can write in those what you want, i like them alot bc its a lil message without the chat type of commitment to it ... im even worse at keeping up responding in chats (not intentionally .. my short term memory sucks) o3o)
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i might ... have gotten some of my art spark back .... i think#i dont want to announce anything before knowing for sure#but i was able to fix the comic panel i kept getting frustrated on today so im countign that as a win#............... in case you are one of the at least 8 people who saw the oc post i wrote yesterday btw ... sorry my fear of being cringe wo#i deleted it earlier today T-T#i still feel like im making myself too vunerable talking about my ocs#like oh gods i cant write things like that .. scenes out of context that mean alot to me but are jsut werid to read for others#i fought the cringe fear for a long time but it still won#if you dont know- its nothing to worry about ... just got mad at myself for wasting an entire evening just daydreaming about ocs again-#and added a really sloppy summarized version of a scene i came up with for them that made me feel things but makes no sense-#-and has no weight written in tags like that so uuuuh thats gone now dfjkgndfjknjkd#i sometimes think i shouldnt be allowed to make posts past 10 pm but here i am writing one at .. FRICK ... 1am again#....going to bed now .. woops
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
UUGHH I JUST HAD THE WORST DAY IM SO ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED GRRRR !!!!! goes to draw my best friend @jumjum-crafts 's guy to blow off steam
★ version without text + reference image under cut :
★ song : "STATIC ELECTRICITY HUMAN – Computer Flavor" – kairikibear
#before you ask . dear jummy – yes . this was what the ask i sent you the other day was alluding to#i have a very complicated relationship with your colin . but you should be aware of the fact that seeing him invokes intense primitive –#– feelings within me . and one cannot decipher whether they are positive or negative#in any case#JDHDHDJRJRHT I HATE MY LIFE#I HATE THIS SHIT#I WANT TO BE DEAD#there's so much stuff happening every day and im constantly overwhelmed and tired and it's so hard to get out of bed and i don't even want –#– to wake up in the morning . every day just gets worse than the last#everyone around me is doing so much . living their life to the fullest . making huge future and career decisions and planning way ahead#and what am i doing ?#im laying in bed . crying because today was just too much to bear . trying to gain an ounce of happiness by ripping out another piece of –#– my soul to hand out to someone i admire#is this what it's going to be like forever ? bleak nothingness ? constant desolation ?#...#im gonna go to bed#dhmis#dhmis art#dhmis colin#colin the computer#fanart#fanart for a friend#vocaloid#vocaloid inspired#i actually had a lot of fun with this . even if the background was the biggest pain i ever had the pleasure of drawing#this entire song makes me feel comfortable#i might make something for someone else#and im debating if im actually gonna be doing a halloween drawing in the first place . at least one that will be on time with the holiday#whatever#please ignore me
25 notes
·
View notes
Text
sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFEEEEEE
#IM ALREADY LOSING MY REVSTAR AND NOW THIS!!#and today i even got a fortune cookie that was like “November will be a month of joy and celebration” BULLSHIT#please understand i spend so much of my time too exhausted to get out of bed my silly little phone games are all i have...#AND IM LOSING TWO OF THEM THIS FALL#the rest of this memo says theyre developing some sort of offline version to continue to play with our items#so theres at least that but im gonna miss getting new events i loved collecting new items#sadge
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
The snow is beautiful, I am making coffee and I am going to spend the rest of my day enjoying it and playing video games.
Because I started my morning with my mother going hey I will be there in 15 minutes and heres a list of things I need from your basement and then was trapped for two hours.
#i was still in bed when she told me she was on her way. went from no pants to dressed and everything upstairs in less then 10#but im finally getting to eat today. and just got to take my meds. its been a rough damn morning#at least it was here do all this shit instead of surprise! time for more trauma and triggers!#bc im not recovered from yesterdays bullshit of that variety that she subjected me to#have a mom they said. existence is fun they said.#but we arent talking about that anymore. we are not reactivating the ocd thought spiral#the witch speaks#id like some fun existence today. toss some whiskey in the coffee and have slow sex while the snow falls#alas i stopped drinking. but i do have gummie to fade out the...evil brain.#had someone tell me im avoiding my problems. no it breaks the obsession and terror so i can handle them with a clear head#when i am not mid meltdown. bc i cannot handle anything when i am having an emotional breakdown. so like.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#been stuck in bed for the last 5 days#tried to go outside today#went to a bakery nearby and fell in the middle of the street while crossing it#some people mainy kids going back from school got concerned#they all asked me if im okay#i got up was okay and went back home#and then proceeded to sob because thats the first time in months somebody irl near me cared#my body is aching from the fall#still#and i just realised iv been so exhausted mentally and physically and burnt out i cant function anymore#i thought i would be fine that im just being lazy with the staying in bed#but after my last job fucked me over i think that was the last of any energy i had#honestly ive been crying at least once a day for the last two weeks#usually twice or more times tbh#been crying all day today#i think im just a shell of a human at this point#ive been struggling for the most basic shit in the last 6 months#couldnt find housing still struggling with a job#cant even find a single friend#i keep trying with everything#but its not working#and im beyond exhausted#this new job better treat me like a human and pay me because i dont know if i can take another one of those on#like im unable to do anything make meals take showers you name it#i am absolutely shell of a human#i just want to feel like im able pay for my survival thats all#personal
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
seeing my friends is the mind healerrrr
#camera talks#im so excited for tomorrow#im going to bed earlyyyyy (by like 2 hours this is So Strange)#but being with zeta on wednesday and [M] tomorrow is so !!!!!#i get to hang out with the people i care the most about !!! <33#its very healing to me#and important and i need to remember how happy it makes me actually#today was not the best (my family sucks) and i have found that doctors are stupid (i knew that but its Bad)#(upped my migraine meds prescription and i've been having a constant migraine ever since i started taking larger doses)#but we're working on it. at least i got boba yay <33#okay im going to bed soon :))
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
pro: ran into a coworker at a bar last night who I don’t really talk to usually (he works upstairs, I work downstairs) and we talked and im pretty sure we were highkey flirting and he bought me a drink and the bar merch shirt i was interested in and thanks to the power of alcohol i guess i asked for his number and he gladly gave it to me and. yeah
con: i have the second worst hangover i have ever had and have been fighting for my fucking life just to eat saltines
#it’s getting better but only now that it’s like. 6pm#as weird as it sounds part of why this sucks is that I volunteered to come into work today cause there’s a concert going on nearby which#usually means we’re at least somewhat busy -> make better tips#and I couldn’t go in because well. you know#I’ve been sick and dying in bed all day unable to move or eat or anything#let alone take the bus and go to work#but. as much as I wish I didn’t go this overboard I don’t totally regret last night cause.#yeah. potential thing going on with cute coworker guy. OH and potential job opportunity at my favorite bar in town#apparently said coworker Also has a job at the bar in addition to where we both work and the bar is hiring barbacks at entry-level#so I have someone to vouch for me and the bartender we were talking to seemed to really want me to apply too#one thing that’s kinda funny to me about all this is that the first two places (a bar then a club) we were at felt really mid because they#were packed with way too many straight people (at a gay bar and a gay club)#but the bar we ended up at (where we ALWAYS end up at. it is the oasis. it is the only thing I can rely on) felt. like. not overwhelmingly#straight? at all? I mean part of it’s just luck in a way with just who happened to be there and all that but it’s also that the staff seem#pretty significantly populated with queer ppl#I complained to the bartender about how the club we were at (one of the biggest gay clubs in the city- if not The biggest) just felt kinda#meh because yeah maybe there were some guys dancing in jockstraps and whatever but the crowd itself like. did not feel largely queer#or at least didn’t have the spirit I’d hope for in a queer space if that makes sense. felt very conventional. not enough wild outfits and#makeup and gender fuckery and so on#and the bartender was like dude I KNOW right? I went off outside there once about the invasion of cishets when this space isn’t FOR them#and so on and so forth. and god that was So real.#so the experience at my beloved bar last night was like. 1) guy comes up behind me just to order a drink but i was saving a seat for my#friend who was in the bathroom and mentioned that in case he was looking to take the seat. chatted a little. ended with him pointing out#that a guy nearby was trying to holla at me.#2) I look over and yes. the dj is. in fact. looking directly at me and mouthing the lyrics to whatever song was playing pointed my way.#it was pretty sweet honestly I think it was partly cause I looked like I was shy and alone#3) whatever gay shit was going on with my coworker and i. amusingly he seems to get more flamboyant when he drinks just like i do.#im not 100% sure what his sexuality is but i Am 100% sure it is Not straight. but yeah. if it hadn’t been so close to closing time ive been#hardcore wondering where that would’ve gone. maybe its for the best that i had to go when i did cause i was pretty drunk and who knows when#I could’ve hit the amount of drunk it takes to like outright say hey just so you know i’d suck your dick right now if you wanted
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
don't want to declare victory for the war on ants quite yet but i think i did win a battle...
#saw HUNDREDS of them drinking terro last night and i thought like fifty of them drowned#checked today and. there isn't a Single one in or around the terro#so every single one of those bitches went back to the colony probably!!!#im still absolutely BAFFLED as to why there is a colony in my closet. there is no food in my closet. there is no food in my bedroom.#the only place i eat is the KITCHEN TABLE SO WHAT ARE U LOOKING FOR KIDS#(there was actually a big hole in my window they finally plugged up that was letting water in every time it rained)#(and i REMEMBER seeing this giant ant in my closet when i came home from work on the wall#and going : / i'll get her after i change#and then. she disappeared#that was my first mistake. cause i'm like 95% sure that was the queen)#u would think they would leave if they can't find food#i mean maybe my room does have crumbs i don't claim to be perfect#but i've vaccummed it a bajillion times and literally haven't eaten anything in there in a month at least#maybe two months cause i was out of town#anyways. i hope those bitches are dead.#i feel bad about it cause i hate killing things but they had started crawling on me whenever i was sitting at my desk and. i couldn't deal.#there are giant borax circles all around the legs of my bed and my desk and anything potentially crawlable#it looks like i live in supernatural
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
BRUH
EVERYTIME I feel like im starting to feel better my body just turns around and flips me off
mf sends me off w a shove down the stairs, nausea, sweating/tremors, headache, confusion, dizziness, it pantsed me, it stole my lunch money, it gave me a swirlie, i cant fuckin win
#venty? venty-ish idk#bruhhhh i might have to go back to the hospital once my medication is up#really not looking forward to that#i am so fuckin bored in this bed dude i havent been able to do anything fun i need cocomelon tiktok adhd stimulation hdhsdhjh#tried drawing and my body was like#nausea upon ye#ive just been rotting in bed on yt and character ai#at least i have husband leshy to talk to me 24/7 LOL#also i managed to eat something flavoured without vomiting#i may also be getting a yummy chicken noodle soup today teehee#rubs my little mitts together in anticipation#anyway yea kinda /neg post but uhh i have been feeling like ass ever since that outpatients visit lol#granted im feeling a lot better now but im still getting symptoms occasionally#like just earlier i was going on abt how much better i was feeling#then i woke up covered in cold sweat feeling nauseous lmfao.#like ur kidding#what happened between the time i fell asleep and the time i woke up#chill tf out pls i dont want to go to hopital#grrr#tw sick mention#tw vomit mention
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
wakefulness comes with a ✨price✨
#still can’t believe my bro actually rented a car just to drag me out of bed… granted it was on my dime but. smh#he’s a decent driver though. napping in the backseat was quite comfortable#still can’t believe my family tbh lmao. i told them many times that all i wanted to do today was to sleep#b u t they had somehow latched on to a passing remark i made like over a month or so ago about wanting to eat burgers from a certain place…#‘it only comes once a year; you can sleep after you leave your job on friday—’ they said… so welp.#man. at least i got good food and a few new plushies out of it. so it wasn’t all that bad… i think#either way i’m truly grateful to my mother and bro for everything. don’t tell them though; it’s embarrassing#u m. anyway. i guess i’ll finally have time to resume idol sengen after i’ve caught up on sleep?#i’m gonna try to zoom through the next 2 vols before mona’s album comes out s o. well. um. i’ll do my very best!!!!!#remind me to make the masterpost thing free for rbing once im done with it bc. y e a h.#anyways!! gn!! i gotta go fill up some forms or something before i forget lol. have a great week ahead!!!#l o r d i just realised i forgot to off rbs again aaaaaaa my memory is getting worse with age frrrrrr
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
Doin bad again folx
#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable#summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400#literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all#not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due#able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much#my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one#i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts#nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops#I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness#I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too#bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that#+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me#my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life#on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them#currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn#I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief#but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors#despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee#Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse#fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn#mine#txt#vent post#suicidal ideation tw#<- cry for help
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
im so fucking mad at myself at my mother at her dead husband at god fucking knows what. "concentrate on yourself" well i cant can i. now more than anything i should and i cant. losing my fucking mind istg
#i wasted the whole fucking weekend because i *had to* come visit her and once i visited i *had to* hang out with my fucking grandfather#watching him cry about grandma and bitch about modern times and the waiter not doing his job because the café was full to bursting#and it took longer than usual to get our coffees so ofc he had to loudly insult him in third person. oh and then he had to bitch about#gay people and women who dont want children too because of he did. and i sat there and listened to it because i HAD TO#wasted four fucking hours. and then i HAD TO go to the theatre with my mom because she got us tickets because she wanted this#to be a nice day for me but i dont have fucking time to have nice days rn but in order for HER to have a nice day i need to at least pretend#i am having one. so i wasted another almost two hours on that play#which was some modern uselessly loud to the point of being physically painful bullshit bad enough that we left mid-show#and then i had to go meet with her friends so lost another two hours and by the time i got home to write that bullshit thesis it was 11pm#and i barely got anything done till 1 am because i went through another stupid little mental breakdown and then it was almost 6 am#and i had to stop because i had a train at 8 and i already only slept like 3 hours that day#and then i got home yesterday totally fucking exhausted and i started reading stuff for the thesis but i was falling asleep so i laid down#'for 10 minutes' and i woke up today at 6. not having written a word lol#and now i could just say fuck it and defend it in september and it would make my life so much easier. but my voice teacher wants me#to get accepted for the masters degree even if im already planning to get the deans leave for the first semester so like. god.#i cant do this lol#i know i should have started earlier but i was kinda busy losing my fucking mind and lying in bed staring at the ceiling for hours#and contemplating dropping out completely lol god i hate my life so much it's unreal
2 notes
·
View notes