#tried to go outside today
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#been stuck in bed for the last 5 days#tried to go outside today#went to a bakery nearby and fell in the middle of the street while crossing it#some people mainy kids going back from school got concerned#they all asked me if im okay#i got up was okay and went back home#and then proceeded to sob because thats the first time in months somebody irl near me cared#my body is aching from the fall#still#and i just realised iv been so exhausted mentally and physically and burnt out i cant function anymore#i thought i would be fine that im just being lazy with the staying in bed#but after my last job fucked me over i think that was the last of any energy i had#honestly ive been crying at least once a day for the last two weeks#usually twice or more times tbh#been crying all day today#i think im just a shell of a human at this point#ive been struggling for the most basic shit in the last 6 months#couldnt find housing still struggling with a job#cant even find a single friend#i keep trying with everything#but its not working#and im beyond exhausted#this new job better treat me like a human and pay me because i dont know if i can take another one of those on#like im unable to do anything make meals take showers you name it#i am absolutely shell of a human#i just want to feel like im able pay for my survival thats all#personal
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I woke up to find a squirrel in my apartment this morning
#They’d been in the floor for a few days#I could hear them scratching#And then today one of those little fuckers actually broke in#Can’t wait for my landlord to get here#I tried to catch the squirrel so I could bring him outside so he wouldn’t be poisoned#But he ran back down whatever hole he chewed through by the time I found a box#So now it’s just a waiting game#Also my dog is going fucking nuts#She won’t shut the fuck up#Ugh
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Happy valentines! what says ‘love’ like two smelly, unwashed teen boys?
Drew this after a lovely convo with @less-depresso-more-espresso, who also gave me this song to listen to 💕 so this one’s for you bestie aha
#tmnt 2012#rasey#casey jones#raphael hamato#less-depresso-more-espresso#I love the farmhouse arc a lot actually#I think Casey went and got a few jobs on ‘local’ farms to help pay for food and bills#and April got a job helping in a shop or something she’s not very outdoorsy#and after Leo wakes up raph would start going outside#mikey looks after the animals and the farm there but we know ralh likes animals and flowers so I think he’d keep pretending to be too macho#his main jobs looking after Leo#but Casey could get him to goof off and sit in the sun and stuff#maybe raph would help chop wood or just sit near by drawing or trying to make daisy chains for mikey#something silly#anyway#I don’t do romance but I like using today as a chance to tell my friends I love them and to spend quality time snuggling my dog so#I hope everyone has a good day xxx#thank you again depresso xxx#Spotify#I tried to make this so it couldn’t be platonic but who am I kidding I sit on my friends like this all the time lmao#oh I drew this in my usual grunge way I do for 2012 and then tried to make it look softer with the same brushes so lmk if it worked
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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
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its come to my attention that i cant get my nose ring. out of my nose.
#It. Should not be this hard surely..#bruh i swear if its like#bc i got my nostril pierced same time as my ears and all 3 were pierced w the same stud and#One of the earrings would NOT come out bc the earring literally wouldnt come apart and i ended up pulling the entire stud thru. to get itou#NOT on purpose iw as just trying to take it apart and it was easier for it to GO THRU MY WHOLE EAR than for the stud to come apart the way#its supposed to But the other ear was fine.. and once both were outt i tried just taking them apart and putting together outside of anythin#so there was no resistance anywhere#and yeah the one that came out weird just doesnt come apart. i have it now and its like GENUinely stuck together maybe i could get it apart#with like Pliers b ut#but the otehr one is so smooth to take apart and put together#SO IM SAYING#IF THE ONE IN MY NOSE. IS LIKE THE FUCKED UP ONE. IM GONNA BE SO MAD. GET OUT OF MY FUCKING NOSE#whatev i dont need to ttake it out right this instant but#i bought a hoop Like ia ctually want for it and i was just trying today#to take the stud out and put it back in so ik how to do it when i get the new jewelry#But well#I looked up a tutorial and everything but if its just like the stud itself is crooked inside and tahts why it wont come apart WTF am i#supposed to do in that situation#<- go back to the piercer#But i dont want to.
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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oh my god re: your recent post... the 'girl dinner' shit. omfg. idc if it's 'not that deep' you're still reinforcing terrible shit!!! and also the like 'boys when they see a stick/cool rock' and 'girls when they time travel vs boys when they time travel' wojaks. the gender-fication of barbie vs. oppenheimer. why the fuck is the recent internet zeitgeist hyper stereotypical cisnormativity. like. i thought we had collectively outgrown this.
exactly. And that’s all just some parts of it too. People pretend they’re so on top of things but it’s just because they don’t want to seem out of touch and offensive. It’s wild watching people barf out gender binaries with new terms and new ways to categorize trans people as not their gender and new ways to reinforce the same gender roles on ourselves but in “good” ways now. It’s just….really frustrating and pretty terrifying at the same time
#asked and answered#anon#I don’t know bad example but like.#feminism when I was growing up was gender equality#getting rid of gender roles and stopping gender based discrimination#and it feels like at some point we lost that track#and went straight from that to Girls Rule Boys Drool arguments wrapped in new language and memes#like. when i was a kid#i remember people saying shit about how its okay if a woman asks for a date first or if a woman proposes instead of a man#and yes those arent the most progressive things in the world and those actions are not the most important thing women need to be allowed to#do. but…thats kind of my point. those arent groundbreaking actions.#and if you tried to spoonfeed a BASIC idea about destroying gender roles like that to the online community today#youd get slammed with people saying no woman should ever stoop to beg a man#or that a guy should always propose because dating a woman is a privilege so men should earn it#or how ‘maybe its just me personally but i could never propose to a man like ew thats cringe my man better have enough balls to do it!’#or ‘me personally i could never let my girl propose id feel like i failed her as a man if she had to do that’#or just. on and on and on and on and on#like. we somehow circled all the way back to the ORIGINAL gender roles we were supposed to have broken by now#and its getting worse snd the social media companies are fueling it#have you SEEN instagram and tik tok comment sections lately???#people are just. insanely obsessed over gender and enforcing how they see each group and constantly posting about it online#go outside smell some fucking flowers and recognize your internal biases#like maybe breaking gender roles like thst iis uncomfortable not because you hate men#but because you have gender roles engrained in your BEING from the moment you could walk and you just wrapped them up with a new progressive#bow while not making any changes#anyways.#rant over
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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Lol I keep on doing this, saying I'd come back to tumblr to only disappear again 😂😭
#and i hate it bc i miss being on here#but also i don't have to force myself or feel guilty for it#bc if i'm fr being on social media is just so time consuming and also not what is good for my mental health often#and that includes tumblr#it's not even that it's a toxic place (at least not the content i'm consuming) but sometimes i just rather spend my time with people irl#meeting someone than on social media and like focus on my life#the last month or so was just really difficult for me and i haven't been feeling so bad mentally in forever#i mean it always is like that that time of the year but i feel like i was worse this year#whenever autumn comes around with the darkness and cold i seem to hit a low mentally#when i tell you how much better my mood is in summer spring how much better i feel everyday regardless of everything else#i get people like autumn but for me its literally the worst and winter too altough at some point it gets better#maybe i adapt and maybe because i spend more time outside around christmas when i go home that's usually a turning point#and ig also the lights of december make it a bit better#but mid october to november is awful#this year the weather was much worse beginning of october was much worse#i feel like i lowkey have this seasonal mood disorder idk#but i barely managed to go to classes and i had no motivation#usually i always make myself study and do the things i have to atleast altough i often terribly procrastinate#but now i was barely able to do this and i had things to do but i couldn't make myself i missed a deadline closely#luckily my professors are the best but i felt so horrible for it how i was unable to get it done#sunlight is just so good for my mood and ik how doctors say how you should avoid it because you can get skincancer#but like i'd rather than my mental health being this bad (not that i want either)#i already miss summer so much and being happier#but tbh i haven't felt this good as I do today in weeks and even this whole week was better#i exercised more than usual altough i tried to in the last weeks i couldn't as often as i normally do so maybe this actually helps a lot#and i studied yesterday today and i will tomorrow i finally feel motivation again#besides i also tried to break up with my bf so that was also tough but i couldn't lol#i tried talking to him and tell him in the nicest way but he didn't get what i was trying to do and i couldn't say more bc i felt horrible#but maybe that's for the better altough i had these thoughts for a while that he just isn't the one for me and that we're too different...#i do really like him as a person the way he treats me and i'm still into him but i just felt like it wouldn't work
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I love your snakes so much, they're so cute!
Scoria: [bows] Sakura: [Rhaspberries] PBBBTTT~! Avid (the human): Thank you! My girls bring me so much joy. I hope sharing the cuter side of them will help people see snakes for what they really are, and maybe make the world more understanding and a better place for all snakes. ^_^
#snakes#pets#hognose#hognoses#I tried to take a photo of them together#But Sakura wanted to play#And Scoria just got done playing outside and really wanted to go to bed#So neither of them were having it lol#Scoria decided she had already posed for enough photos today#Y'all only see a fraction of the photos I take#But man on my rough days going through the photos I have of them#It's what gets me through and brings a smile back to my face#Sakura asked to come out today and let me pick her up without a fuss#She has gotten so so good#We're at the point she can be regularly handled for short amounts of time though she is a bit nervous#She's now at the point a lot of snakes start around that don't start with a fear#(Scoria had no fear once she had a week to vibe and get to know me as I only handled her with consent and when she chose to come out.)#(Scoria also realizes she scared ME when we first met and was like oh I am so sorry I did not realize I was so scary and was so sweet after#(We have grown so much since then. Ah it has been an amazing year with her and so glad we found her sister to add to our little family.)#scoria#scoria rose#sakura kurīmu#sakura#ask#asks
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i'll never forgive mnh making chungha wanting to give up on being an idol to the point she just wanted to go study abroad and get away from the industry and i can't imagine how bad they made her feel to the point that it was something she considered
#the fact that she didn't believe people were waiting for her#or that people were excited to see her teasers for the new company coming out#is so sad#i wish that company nothing but hell 😭#they are so evil it's beyond insane to me#that even we knew that even before the shit they decided to pull today#but if there's anything it made me realize is that#they tried to make her feel small and like#that she wasn't successful enough to keep going with her career#when so many people love her even outside of her fandom#and a fresh start is good but it's so upsetting to me#that even after she ended the contract#they are still taking things away from her#tris.txt
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whenever a guy approaches me i start wishing i had a giant forehead tattoo that reads "I AM NOT & WILL NEVER EVER BE INTERESTED LEAVE ME ALONE PERMANENTLY" so i could flash it at them
#you know since i have bangs#just leave me alone freakazoid LEAVE ME ALOOOONEEEEE#they always say i seem scared Hm probably because i am now PISS OFF#guy two days ago ( skipping today & had a free day yesterday ) entered the same class as me & tried to chat me up#did not look back at him or bother to remember his name but i shook his hand:-/ i feel compelled to not leave people hanging#felt like self immolating after He was like are you always this stiff & quiet you seem scared do you have problems#yes i do & that problem is you FUCK OFF & now he knows my name & face but IDK his i am so goddamn retarded#i just kept answering in shrugs & IDKs but what i should have done is use my FFP ( Foreigner Face Privilege ) & pretend not to understand#but since i am an english major he would have just switched to bothering me in english UGHHH WHY CAN I NOT SAY NO#i feel really disgusted with myself RN#skipped today because i am too freaked out about everything trying to come down from heart palpitations i really hate when this happens#i always feel too anxious to go after i wish i lived in a female only world but also i feel really ugly lately too#which means it should be illegal for me to go outside#also i missed my bus right by like 5 seconds the moment i was about to cross the road it flashed away so...#i took it as a sign to not go ( after waiting for ~15+ minutes... sorry i am a quitter but not that fast )
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something funny is i know that other people get sad and feel lonely and it's not just me but somehow it still feels like it's just a me problem. That I'm not trying hard enough at life. Like I specifically suck more than everyone else and nothing i say matters. And I don't know how social media caught on because posting this feels so fuckin bad like I'm begging for attention because I am and that's vain and stupid. I should be able to just sit in silence and not need anyone to see things i do or hear thoughts i have. HOW DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO THIS WITHOUT LOOSING IT ENTIRELY????
I guess people do loose it though. That's what the touch grass thing is about right , spending too long on screens ruins your depth perception of the world. Need to go outside to remember it had mass and texture
#I started weight watchers on the 1st to get a free fit bit and I don't think I'm handling it well#I knew i wouldn't it's why I've never tried a diet in my 30 years of life. Because I know myself and I knew this would fuk with my head#I'm hungry and I didn't go outside today#Or I guess yesterday and i should be asleep but I'm not#Instead I've been doom scrolling YouTube shorts since 11 am yesterday until just now.
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hands u a skink photo
#went to a renfaire today#was honestly kind of a miserable experience#the actual place was really cool and i really liked seeing all the costumes#but it was just too hot i was melting#high 80s and low 90s all outside for hours with not a ton of shade#also no service i tried and failed to meet up with a friend there#on the bright side i did see and pet this skink#and saw some glassblowing#i would go back if it was nicer out lol
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my circadian rhythm needs to stop
#tried to go to bed at 11:30 last night#went to bed at 2#woke up at 8#laid in bed until 1#got up and ate lunch and did some school work#at this point i have skipped both of my med times#plan to go work out at 4:45 but i get sleepy around 4#decide to take a quick nap cause the gym is only 15 away#set an alarm and wake up at 4:30 but immediately go back to sleep#IN FULL CLOTHES WITH THE LIGHTS ON AND NO BACKGROUND NOISE#wake up at 7pm#work on some stuff buy a printer from facebook marketplace#it is now 9 and i have not eaten dinner#also do you know why i was so sleepy? BC I HADN'T TAKEN MY MEDS#MY DOCTER WAS SPECIFICALLY LIKE#'take your meds after lunch bc people tend to get sleepy after they eat and your meds will have worn off by then'#AND DID I LISTEN? NO#so not only have i not completed at the stuff i have to do for tomorrow#but i didn't work out like i wanted#and now it's too late to work out outside of the house#the only good news is that i have a newfound love of grilled cheese#i normally hate grilled cheese bc it's too bland#but i had really good grilled cheese today#gonna make it for dinner too#i've become a basic autistic bitch#anyway rant over#actually i could also rant about academia for a bit#but meh
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I will say while I've loved most of elden ring I'm really glad I'm down to just 2 more main boss fights (malenia + maliketh) before I start the endgame boss fights... whew 😮💨
#really gorgeous world but frankly its unnecessarily long. theyre gonna kill me for saying that but its true..#some areas/bosses just become overly repetitive when the game is THAT massive like its unavoidable#they tried rly hard to distinguish every area + honestly its a great effort but it couldve been half the size and just as good#like i just did the elphael ulcerative tree spirit bc i wanted to finish millicents questline. and come on man we didnt need another one#the design is sick + loooove the animation. but its a bad fight not bc of the difficulty but bc its janky as hell#lock on doesnt work properly bc of its size and the way it moves. u cant see shit on ur screen fighting them melee its just hack n slash#and theyre always in the most dogshit arenas possible for them like spaces w no maneuverability. its just not fuuuun#especially after youve fought 5 or 6 already earlier on in the game..#and its cool to have variations like the scarlet rot ones but we already HAD one of those just before lake of rot!! the gimmicks worn off#i did everything except maliketh in farum azula today as well and again. it didnt need to be that long. killing beastmen gets boring#after like the first 20 combat is just mashing buttons.. even the platforming is getting dull bc ive done 120 hours of it now#and theres only so many combinations of ladders and hallways and so on that u can possibly cram in here..#i say all this with fondness like i truly do love it. but it couldve been a lot tighter! regardless ill still 100% complete it#and i get most ppl dont try to get every single armament and talisman etc so they probably dont waste time FULLY exploring like i am#ahhh. anyway ill probably do malenia and maliketh tmr bc im right outside both of their arenas. and then call it quits this weekend#ill get my first ending next weekend probably... and hopefully by june ill have 100% and then i can play something else 😭#ik the dlc comes out in june but ill probably take a month or two break before i get to that#it doesnt even neeeed a dlc.......its excessive as it is just make a new game by this point ahhhhh#anyway its like 1am i need to SLEEP. i said i would go out to watch for northern lights but its overcast and im tired and my roommate#didnt wanna come with.. so i was gonna go to bed early instead but i guess that didnt happen lol#gonna feel like shit tomorrow bc i have to be up early to take my meds and she'll wake me up anyway.. but cross that bridge#typing is getting difficult bc im so sleepy okay goodnight everyone#.diaries
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