#tried to go outside today
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I woke up to find a squirrel in my apartment this morning
#They’d been in the floor for a few days#I could hear them scratching#And then today one of those little fuckers actually broke in#Can’t wait for my landlord to get here#I tried to catch the squirrel so I could bring him outside so he wouldn’t be poisoned#But he ran back down whatever hole he chewed through by the time I found a box#So now it’s just a waiting game#Also my dog is going fucking nuts#She won’t shut the fuck up#Ugh
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Happy valentines! what says ‘love’ like two smelly, unwashed teen boys?
Drew this after a lovely convo with @less-depresso-more-espresso, who also gave me this song to listen to 💕 so this one’s for you bestie aha
#tmnt 2012#rasey#casey jones#raphael hamato#less-depresso-more-espresso#I love the farmhouse arc a lot actually#I think Casey went and got a few jobs on ‘local’ farms to help pay for food and bills#and April got a job helping in a shop or something she’s not very outdoorsy#and after Leo wakes up raph would start going outside#mikey looks after the animals and the farm there but we know ralh likes animals and flowers so I think he’d keep pretending to be too macho#his main jobs looking after Leo#but Casey could get him to goof off and sit in the sun and stuff#maybe raph would help chop wood or just sit near by drawing or trying to make daisy chains for mikey#something silly#anyway#I don’t do romance but I like using today as a chance to tell my friends I love them and to spend quality time snuggling my dog so#I hope everyone has a good day xxx#thank you again depresso xxx#Spotify#I tried to make this so it couldn’t be platonic but who am I kidding I sit on my friends like this all the time lmao#oh I drew this in my usual grunge way I do for 2012 and then tried to make it look softer with the same brushes so lmk if it worked
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Every year is a new competition for worst year of my life. And 21 is WINNINGGGGGG 🤩
#gets random chronic illness 1 day after my birthday. loses 15 pounds in 3 weeks. takes weeks off school to go to the hospital.#everything comes back normal. i get the worst period and worst migraine of my life. <- almost called ambulance on myself.#lowkey failing all my classes. cant go outside. cant eat anything i enjoy. brain functioning poorly. grandma in the ICU. tried to go outsid#today and almost threw up in a store. and i think my new meds are making me SUICIDAL. 🙂↕️#AND THEY ARENT EVEN WORKING. and no doctors can see me again for MONTHS.#which means i cant work. so i dont have money to pay my rent. and also in general i just feel like a failure snd like my parents are mad at#meeeeee#ok thats all bye
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Quite cold today. It's 44 degrees warmer inside my refrigerator. But the temperature would have to drop 20 more degrees to match what I remember as the coldest outdoor air I've ever experienced at home. That's actual temperature, not the "feels like" stuff weather people use to remind us we live in the tundra.
The dogs went outside briefly to relieve themselves. Normally they go in and out the doggy door a few times throughout the morning. Maybe a squirrel or rabbit returned to the yard? Can't hurt to check again. Not today though. Ella is upstairs on the bed, snuggling with Sheila who doesn't feel good. Oliver and Sulley made blanket and pillow forts on the couch and appear nearly lifeless.
I'm off work today, because of the holiday. I'm quietly cleaning and doing laundry. Later though, I will need to get out of the house--maybe go to the mall and walk. Don't worry, I don't have a polyester track suit or shoes with Velcro closures. Yet.
#My vehicle is parked outside.#I tried the remote start and the truck started right away.#Getting a new battery recently was wise.#We aren't even going to see the good side of zero degrees today.
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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
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love having classic nightmare stuff happening. it's like woahhh, teeth falling out, i've heard so much about you! being seen outside without pants? i didn't think you were real!
#the teeth weren't today but I've had it multiple times this year#today was my first time without pants :') except I TOOK THEM OFF. ON THE BUS. ON PURPOSE. AND THEN I WAS LIKE OH NO WHY DID I DO THAT.#and for some reason the pants were too far away for me to get to them without crossing over the aisle. and a bunch of teenagers had been#making fun of me the entire time already :(#I decided to be brave and just go get the pants and it was fine#then the nightmare was about something cool happening (baby fox trying to catch a squirrel) and my phone camera not working#doddie redet#also my first nightmare wasn't super classic nightmare but horror movie-ish!#like there were creepy dolls outside of my window staring at me & whenever i tried to turn the lights on it didn't work or barely got bright#er#and unseen hands were touching me and attacking me#👍#doddie träumt
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#I dont wish for this post to show in any general tags in any way shape or form. consider it a vent#d*scord has been banned as a lot of other different things and I can't fix it especially with my Computer Curse (tm)#which is frustrating to say the least. it's not like I've been there often but I Did contacted a lot of ppl through it#there is always people who has it worse and I feel like even thinking about it makes me a horrible person but#as much as I hate posting about stuff like that I genuinely believe that my country slowly tries to become second n*rth k*rea.#and it heavily affects me even if I live in the countryside.#first you ban gay people from existense so I can't even hold hands with same-sex friends in public and if my social media is leaked I can b#send to. like. an actual pr*son. which is very real and not a joke at all.#then you ban every online payment services so I'm forced to work double time to be able to feed myself since commissions are barely availab#anymore. and THEN you ban ways for people to connect. don't get me started on how much is fucks up my calling scheldue w friends & I miss#servers I used to visit to get my mind off of all of this bullshit#this is just upsetting. not gonna lie#with a cherry on top that the winter is close I'm freezing dead in my living space & the roof is leaking & my phone is dying &#I thought the vicious thunder the other day was another midnight b*mbing LOL. at this point I have no idea how I'm still sane#not gonna say Ive got it bad because I'm slowly reaching my goals and it's gonna get better eventually. it's just one of those days#where all of the things come at once overwhelmingly and I'm paralyzed to start anything on my to-do list#I think I need to go outside and stop overthinking it as I usually do.#I'm absolutely gonna miss LN3 release and will slowly fall out of fandom (but not stop being interested in it. at this point it's impossibl#sigh#tumblr is the only way for me to contact outside world and even tho the real world is not so bad I'm still missing a lot and falling out of#my interest in fandom & art in general. if they're gonna ban tumblr I think I'll fall out completely and vanish#bcause runet algorithms are not fandom- and/or art-friendly & I'm not really popular in my space to gather any meaningful interactions#I'm gonna boil in my already-formed company and that's as much as I can get. pretty much a foreseeable death of me as an artist.#how it's gonna affect me is unpredictable and I'm not gonna grief for inevitable future#but I'm sure I'm gonna be very sad. as if there's not enough weight already on my shoulders.#let's pray they won't do that. but I'm ready for the worst already since they're trying to make people's lifes as much miserable as they ca#overthinking wins for today fellas. it seems.#memento mori by will wood starts playing#vent#its bad to say but the w*r doesnt affect me much since Ive been living in a horrible conditions this whole time. it truly can't be any wors
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its come to my attention that i cant get my nose ring. out of my nose.
#It. Should not be this hard surely..#bruh i swear if its like#bc i got my nostril pierced same time as my ears and all 3 were pierced w the same stud and#One of the earrings would NOT come out bc the earring literally wouldnt come apart and i ended up pulling the entire stud thru. to get itou#NOT on purpose iw as just trying to take it apart and it was easier for it to GO THRU MY WHOLE EAR than for the stud to come apart the way#its supposed to But the other ear was fine.. and once both were outt i tried just taking them apart and putting together outside of anythin#so there was no resistance anywhere#and yeah the one that came out weird just doesnt come apart. i have it now and its like GENUinely stuck together maybe i could get it apart#with like Pliers b ut#but the otehr one is so smooth to take apart and put together#SO IM SAYING#IF THE ONE IN MY NOSE. IS LIKE THE FUCKED UP ONE. IM GONNA BE SO MAD. GET OUT OF MY FUCKING NOSE#whatev i dont need to ttake it out right this instant but#i bought a hoop Like ia ctually want for it and i was just trying today#to take the stud out and put it back in so ik how to do it when i get the new jewelry#But well#I looked up a tutorial and everything but if its just like the stud itself is crooked inside and tahts why it wont come apart WTF am i#supposed to do in that situation#<- go back to the piercer#But i dont want to.
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8:30 already in bed #tubercolosis
#Ik i don't have tuberculosis and i felt much better today even went outside and had foccacia bread with some friends#4 days sober tho which is a new record since I tried going sober for realsies a couple years ago
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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ughhhh one thing after another
#crickets apparently been pooping outside of her litter box and possibly peeing too. i thought her box was weirdly empty#but shes been going in the closet downstairs. which was one of spikes worst areas for that#tbh we arent sure if we were unfairly blaming spike for that now. its sorta difficult to know who was doing it#but obviously shes the only one it could possibly be now#im hoping its only because i tried changing her litter. usually shes not picky about it and shes used that brand fine#but she could be getting snootier with age idk. im gonna get her#old brand while im out today#im hoping its just that bc shes NEVER had litterbox issues before. shes always been wonderful about that#so im hoping theres nothing wrong healthwise#or maybe just that shes picking up that the closet is an ‘’okay’’ area to do that in because spike used it#and it’s something i gotta train out of here#her#we’ve blocked her off from it in the meantime#afaik its ONLY that room shes been doing it in but we’ll see i guess#echoed voice
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#i am so tired#but seen so many lovely things today!#seen a baby snake#some beautiful butterflies!#watched the hummingbirds fight for feeders#as if there aren't multiple hummingbird feeders lol#i found a rabbit nest!!! 4 lil babies they look about 2 weeks old#also waited outside to see if the mama rabbit came to check on them which she did#i wasn't worried or anything...#jk i was super nervous that she wouldn't come check on them since i did yard work and messed up their nest but tried to fix it#so i did panic and look up stuff and read a lot of things and watched a few videos#i didn't want to ruin their sweet lil lives before they even leaved the nest ;c;#anyway#i showered and have yummy wine!#i'm going to attempt to draw#toad rambles#also ily#have a lovely night!#AND WONDERFUL DREAMS!#as well as beautiful tomorrow <3
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I'm experiencing an episode of what I like to call peanut butter mouth
What is peanut butter mouth you might ask?
Well it's not literally me having peanut butter in my mouth if that's what you're thinking. It's an episode of semi-nonverbalism that's generally brought on by negative circumstance where I *can* talk it just feels like I have a fuckton of peanut butter in my mouth so it's very difficult to open and close my mouth and make words come out. My voice gets stuck in my throat when this happens to.
But I can make myself talk if I have to. So generally I don't think it counts as going fully temporarily nonverbal but whatever. I dont know if anyone else experiences anything like this but i do.
Anyway this time it was brought on by me finding out I do, in fact, have that 2-4:50 lab section I hate with the most nails on a chalkboard professor I have. I thought it had been canceled, but apparently not, and I had looked forward to not going anywhere, but if I don't go, then I'll have to write a stupid ass 3000 word paper. And I know she's gonna make my ass talk even if it's difficult for me to do.
#i hate this specific professor with a passion#we've (as in multiple people in class) have tried to talk to her about her labs and her lessons and how they're not good#but she argues with us everytime even though we tell her we arent learning anything new or useful#even though this is a spring semester class that requires multiple prerequisites#we barely go into depth about anything at all and her lessons feel like im in fucking elementary school#and we could try to go to the head of the department but then we'd be bum out of luck because shes the only professor that teaches envirosci#and she'll make us go outside and make us talk and i dont think i can do it today but i also dont want to do a 3000 word essay#but yeah is this like considered going nonverbal? idk ive never heard it described this way so idk if its just me
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Lol I keep on doing this, saying I'd come back to tumblr to only disappear again 😂😭
#and i hate it bc i miss being on here#but also i don't have to force myself or feel guilty for it#bc if i'm fr being on social media is just so time consuming and also not what is good for my mental health often#and that includes tumblr#it's not even that it's a toxic place (at least not the content i'm consuming) but sometimes i just rather spend my time with people irl#meeting someone than on social media and like focus on my life#the last month or so was just really difficult for me and i haven't been feeling so bad mentally in forever#i mean it always is like that that time of the year but i feel like i was worse this year#whenever autumn comes around with the darkness and cold i seem to hit a low mentally#when i tell you how much better my mood is in summer spring how much better i feel everyday regardless of everything else#i get people like autumn but for me its literally the worst and winter too altough at some point it gets better#maybe i adapt and maybe because i spend more time outside around christmas when i go home that's usually a turning point#and ig also the lights of december make it a bit better#but mid october to november is awful#this year the weather was much worse beginning of october was much worse#i feel like i lowkey have this seasonal mood disorder idk#but i barely managed to go to classes and i had no motivation#usually i always make myself study and do the things i have to atleast altough i often terribly procrastinate#but now i was barely able to do this and i had things to do but i couldn't make myself i missed a deadline closely#luckily my professors are the best but i felt so horrible for it how i was unable to get it done#sunlight is just so good for my mood and ik how doctors say how you should avoid it because you can get skincancer#but like i'd rather than my mental health being this bad (not that i want either)#i already miss summer so much and being happier#but tbh i haven't felt this good as I do today in weeks and even this whole week was better#i exercised more than usual altough i tried to in the last weeks i couldn't as often as i normally do so maybe this actually helps a lot#and i studied yesterday today and i will tomorrow i finally feel motivation again#besides i also tried to break up with my bf so that was also tough but i couldn't lol#i tried talking to him and tell him in the nicest way but he didn't get what i was trying to do and i couldn't say more bc i felt horrible#but maybe that's for the better altough i had these thoughts for a while that he just isn't the one for me and that we're too different...#i do really like him as a person the way he treats me and i'm still into him but i just felt like it wouldn't work
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I love your snakes so much, they're so cute!
Scoria: [bows] Sakura: [Rhaspberries] PBBBTTT~! Avid (the human): Thank you! My girls bring me so much joy. I hope sharing the cuter side of them will help people see snakes for what they really are, and maybe make the world more understanding and a better place for all snakes. ^_^
#snakes#pets#hognose#hognoses#I tried to take a photo of them together#But Sakura wanted to play#And Scoria just got done playing outside and really wanted to go to bed#So neither of them were having it lol#Scoria decided she had already posed for enough photos today#Y'all only see a fraction of the photos I take#But man on my rough days going through the photos I have of them#It's what gets me through and brings a smile back to my face#Sakura asked to come out today and let me pick her up without a fuss#She has gotten so so good#We're at the point she can be regularly handled for short amounts of time though she is a bit nervous#She's now at the point a lot of snakes start around that don't start with a fear#(Scoria had no fear once she had a week to vibe and get to know me as I only handled her with consent and when she chose to come out.)#(Scoria also realizes she scared ME when we first met and was like oh I am so sorry I did not realize I was so scary and was so sweet after#(We have grown so much since then. Ah it has been an amazing year with her and so glad we found her sister to add to our little family.)#scoria#scoria rose#sakura kurīmu#sakura#ask#asks
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