#cause my manager is really nice
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Calling out of work will never not feel terrible terrible bad terrible but I have to remind myself that I work for a corporate company so :/
#granted it feels terrible in the context of our individual atore#cause my manager is really nice#and i hate to call out but im sp exhausted#like cannot fathom getting out of bed rn tired#idk how long i slept but could have only been like an hour#smthn occured to me today about my 'sudden' health issues#is thag theyre not sudden#and i have a ballpark of when they started#but i have to make a timeline#i just didn't notice them the way i am now cause mental illness tends to distract me#and i also tend to just go go go until i cant anymore#i didnt notice them as much when i lived in the city cause i walked EVERYWHERE and couldn't afford to#pay attention to my body#so yeah#symptoms have been there since January 2022 at least#prob before that but i dont remember much of that
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Jason's been pestering Danny about why he looks like a borderline walking corpse for ages and Danny has decided to put his lying skills to the test. (he has none)
rambling below cut
I've been playing w the idea that the more Danny transforms, the more his ghost form gets "lively" while his human form gets weaker and more sickly. He knows that if he keeps transforming like this then, one day, he's not going to have a livable body to go back to, but he really doesn't want to think about all that. He's more interested in the weird "totally dead but not dead" Wayne son who may or may not have a thing for his sister.
everytime i do one these im like "this time I'll keep it simple so I don't have to suffer through colouring bc I have zero foresight—it'll be greyscale at most" and then all of the sudden its 4am and i'm trying to finish a stupid comic but i decided to add "some" colour to spice it up and hide my shitty ink job and then SOME COLOUR ALWAYS BECOMES FULL COLOUR WHY CAN I NOT ESCAPE THIS STUPID CYCLE!!
(did this all stem from me not being able to decide between a super pale character design and one w a vibrant tan bc I love white hair + tan but I also love extremely pale albino so I forced myself to find a way to make both work? never! that's absurd!)
#digital art#artists on tumblr#fanart#illustration#comic#danny phantom fanart#danny fenton#danny phantom#dc x dp#dc x dp crossover#dc x dp fanart#if u couldn't tell from the rambles#i ended up colouring this comic bc of the stupid transition at the beginning#the things i do for a silly transition#they bring me joy#and oh so much frustration#as a multishipper i find it really hard to put ships in aus like this#im still debating whether imma have anger management in this or not#cause im down for the chaos they would bring as both platonic and romantic#also Danny is sus of Jason bc he thinks hes trying to get w Jazz#Jasons sus of the Fentons Jazz is so nice its suspicious and Danny just radiates uncanny valley#my art#my comic
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OC
#my characters#mmofail#HIS name is Beta Burst but he is played by a woman named Haley#and shes chill correcting people that hes a she irl but also just doesnt mind which pronouns people use online#irl though shes a she/her through and through#also she tells one of her employees at work (shes a manager at a convenience store) to get a hobby or find a fun online game#cause he always looks super tired and he tells her he doesnt wanna socialize out of work in person people are tiring#and then hes like hmmmm a hobby or game hmmm#and then he gets the same game and goes on the same server and lets his sister design his character#while he naps then he just picks a name and chooses ETA 1400 bc he works overnight and if he logs in#he plans to log in at like 2pm so why not make that his name#however there is a guild owner who wants to collect all the greek letters (her own name in game is Omega Rising)#so she makes the executive decision to include eta 1400 and when he and beta are talking one day in game#hes like oh yeah im just playing cause my boss at work told me i needed a hobby#and beta is like oh shit thats me im the boss who told him he needs a hobby#so eta starts calling beta boss in game just like he calls her irl#and its just a nice lil friendship and shes happy when eta starts to make friends in the guild#he still has a lost lil puppy like following vibe when hes around boss but eta does do some growing socially#mostly with betas friends in the guild which are: a guy with no backbone and a guy playing a girl who doesnt tell anyone shes a he#anyway thank you thats my oc essay tags and i love beta and shes just really funny to me#bc she just is there to vibe and play pvp#which the horn lore is those are high ranking pvp rewards for heavy blade users#and when eta finds out the pvp reward for a healer is a bloodied crown#hes like please please please help me learn pvp that sounds really cool ill do my best boss
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"not my circus, not my monkeys" is the best saying in the english language and my work mantra every time I start stressing out
not my circus. not my monkeys.
#i am not trained for the shit i had to deal with and i still figured out how to fix the issues that arose#and really i am not paid NEARLY enough to care#i do what i can slightly better for what i'm being paid for and that's only cause most of my coworkers and managers are nice#otherwise: NOT MY CIRCUS. NOT MY MONKEYS#oof#personal
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the funniest thing that always happens to me is that every time we have a customer who doesn't speak polish and they ask me if i speak english i'm like "no, i don't think i do" only to realize a few minutes later that i do, in fact, speak english
#maybe it's because i'm just always super anxious about my skills#or maybe it's the fact that it barely happens so i don't have many opportunities to talk to people in english#so when somebody asks me about it i'm always like “um i do speak english but just a little”#and yet here i am running a fucking blog where i write a lot of shitposts every single day#all of them in english#it's so funny to me cause obviously no one knows this#and i had a customer today and he bought diamond earrings for his girlfriend and our entire conversation was in english#and he even complimented me at the end which was very nice#and my manager was like “oh you speak english? i only understood him when he said bye bye” LMAO#YES LOOKS LIKE I DO SPEAK ENGLISH AFTER ALL#jdsfjewhif i'm sorry i never really talk about this but today i feel like i want to#like every single time i have a conversation in english i'm so fucking proud of myself for being brave enough to speak another language#in front of a stranger#i know i make a lot of mistakes but still#i'm always so fucking proud of myself. for no reason. i just am#anyway the guy was really nice and i guess it's safe to say he made my day#which doesn't happen very often i usually hate my customers#so yeah#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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there’s a sort of clawing desperation that rips you up from the insides when you’re trying to be an adult and have your own life but then the very same people who are telling you to do just that continue to treat and berate you like a child and refuse to see you as a person with adult concerns and needs and you are left trying to juggle these two selves that they want to exist as one but only if both halves are agreeable to them and follow orders but they also throw it in your face that’s you need to make your “own decisions” and i want to throw up :)
#mj.chatter#personal#like yeah id love to travel and see my family but i just took time off in the summer and my mom insisted on coming to see me instead#of me going home and it was fun and nice but now she wants me to take MORE time off in september to go see everyone#and like i don’t think she understands i need to work? and i want to try to work on my second career more in the fall as well?? and taking#an entire week off isn’t something that’s like great for me to do#and like it should be okay with work but at the same time management has been so awful lately that i don’t know#and when i tried to express that she got upset with me#and said that it’s all on me now#but she very clearly wants me to do what she wants me to do#and she keeps telling me that i should be excited she’s offering to buy a ticket for me#but really i just feel sick#like i wish i could be just excited but she has turned this into the most stressful situation possible#and wants me to be the good kid and just say okay#but whenever i push back it’s suddenly all my fault cause im the adult and need to get my shit together
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Introductions ✨✨
Hey! I'm Coriander. It's not what I go by in my other blogs on here but I want to keep things a bit more separate, at least at first. This is gonna be a long one (sorry) so I'm adding a cut.
I'm exploring Hellenic polytheism, and have only recently started, but it's something I've been considering, in a way, for over a year. I don't have a big, intense story that marks the beginning for me; I didn't necessarily feel a personal, spiritual connection to any of the deities from the time I was a young child in the way others describe, and I haven't had an intense experience that marked the beginning of my path.
I've always felt drawn to Greek mythology, though. I have a distinct memory of laying on my stomach on the floor of the school library in 3rd or 4th grade, reading a picture book about Hades and Persephone. It kept my attention the way others - even Egyptian mythology, another major interest - didn't. I, of course, had the classic queer kid experience of being super into the Percy Jackson series for a while, but my interest in it predated that. The specific deities I've been drawn to have changed somewhat as I've grown up, and they definitely shaped some of my interests. But delving into them again has helped me see connections that weren't explicitly connected to Greek mythology. I felt drawn to Athena growing up, for example, and my love of owls was definitely shaped by that. Even though that has settled into the background somewhat, that connection has persisted in things like my knitting and desires to dye yarn and learn how to weave (side note: I associate crochet more with Apollo, actually, despite it also being a fiber art). I felt connected to Artemis and Persephone as a kid, but that waned as I got older, discovered I was trans, and began my transition. I've felt connected to Hestia and her quiet hearth-keeping since I learned about her: I've always strived to make myself & my space safe and welcoming for others, and being told I succeeded in that is one of the best compliments I've received. But my interests in the morbid (ex Pompeii & the Paris catacombs), psychopomps, rocks & minerals, and keys weren't explicitly related to Hades. Some of the connections didn't click until I started to look into him more seriously about a year ago. I was an artist and had interests in writing, poetry, singing, and playing instruments long before it actually clicked that all of those fell into Apollo's domain, as I associated Athena far more with visual arts as a kid. I also didn't realize that he & Artemis cover diseases (another long-running interest) until very recently. The concept of xenia, too, was something I grew up with to some extent, even though no one called it that. My father modelled it to my siblings and I; I even learned about it within the context of ancient Greece at some point growing up and it stuck with me, despite not knowing the name.
I grew up Mormon, and was incredibly devout until college, when the pandemic forcibly separated me from that environment and I not only discovered that I was queer in several ways, but realized that the Church 1) wasn't safe to stay in and 2) wasn't actually true (which came later, when I started to get over my fear of reading "anti-Mormon literature"). During that period between those two realizations I got into tarot and using plants and crystals for their correspondences (two other interests growing up), as well as using rocks to ground myself. At that time, I considered myself a "liminal Mormon", and was reaching out to Heavenly Mother specifically via tarot. But as it set in that Mormonism specifically, and Christianity generally, wasn't for me, I got more and more interested in modern witchcraft separated from the belief system I was raised in.
It never quite felt right, though. The constant need for protections and doing something "the right way" lest things backfire and you invite the wrong thing into your home, or hurt yourself, or others, or or or, made my anxious & scrupulous brain go into overdrive. I wasn't even sure I believed in it spiritually, or if I was just interested in it from a mindfulness standpoint, and staring down the barrel of comically high piles of research without knowing where to start was exhausting. The concept of dual deities, the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine, put a bad taste in my mouth (which bled over into Persephone for a while because she and Hades are often used to symbolize those archetypes- sorry Persephone). But, not wanting to listen too much to my discomfort (since part of it may have been, and probably was, prior conditioning), I pushed ahead and actually completed one ritual that had all of the steps - cleansing, representations of the four elements and directions, etc. - and was very carefully designed to leave room for growth and change. It represented the start of my path. I still have the jar I made during the ritual, though I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it.
Around that time, I was considering whether or not to work with deities- specifically Hades, as that was who I felt the most drawn to at the time. The idea interested me, but I wasn't sure if it was from an academic or spiritual angle. I'd really only seen deity work from a modern witchcraft/neo-pagan perspective which, again, didn't sit right with me. On top of that, I wasn't quite ready to let go of Christianity even though I already functionally had, and was terrified of doing something "wrong" and getting, for lack of a better term, sent to (figurative) hell. I decided to do a simple "yes/no" tarot pull and got about the clearest "no" you can get: a reversed Ace of Swords. So I decided to let it rest and that, if I ever felt drawn to it again, I could re-approach the topic.
So, for over a year, I didn't touch it. Continuing with witchcraft after the ritual didn't feel right, either, so my altar collected dust while I tried to sort out my spirituality (or lack thereof). I settled on "I don't know and that's okay" and left it at that, trusting that when the time came, and I had more energy and mental space, that I would be able to start looking into things again.
I never truly stopped thinking about the idea of deity work/worship, though. It was always in the back of my mind. I figured it was because of the way I was raised and tried to sever my idea of spirituality from how I was conditioned while I worked through my religious trauma, got on anxiety medication, and learned more about myself and how I interacted with the world (including that I have both ADHD and autism, something that surprised no one).
Recently I talked with a witchy friend about my thoughts on divinity and what is or isn't out there (neither of us were sure but we both felt like there was something), and that conversation gave me the button I needed to start looking into paganism again. I realized at work a week or two later that I could just look up the different paths of paganism (a term I'd recently heard that hadn't clicked before then) and see if there was one that did fit. The first site I found not only had a clear, concise explanation for belief systems I hadn't knowingly come across before, but it touched on Hellenic polytheism and gave a recommendation for someone to watch to learn more about it. And unlike the sharp knot in my chest that warned me away from attending BYU, and going on a mission, and delving further into modern witchcraft as I'd been introduced to it, learning about Hellenic polytheism felt right. It was heavy and grounding and like home. Many of the issues I'd had with other neo-pagan systems - the constant vigilance & protections & concerns over trickster spirits, for example - simply didn't exist there, or were approached very differently. I still had a mental block about it, though, and realized it was because of that tarot pull a year prior. So I did another one, and got a clear "Yes, jump right in. We're waiting for you". And that's where I've been since which, granted, hasn't been for very long. I've felt especially connected to Apollo and Aphrodite recently, who I believe reached out in a different tarot pull recently - using the same card, actually - which is interesting because while I've appreciated different ways Aphrodite has been depicted, I haven't felt very connected to her in a way I realized was her until recently. It makes sense, though- I got into my first relationship around the same time I did that ritual, and not only are we still together a year later, but a trinket I used to ground myself during those first few months is also pretty directly associated with her. I'm planning on adding it to her altar/shrine area as soon as I find it (it's also still amongst the moving wreckage).
But anyway, hi! If you read this far thank you for taking the time out of your day to do so. If anyone has recommendations for books or other educational resources, or discord servers/other online forum-esque communities, please feel free to share. I've been enjoying looking through the tags and getting a feel for the community here, too; hopefully I'm here to stay.
#one thing ive *really* appreciated is the “sin doesnt exist” thing. its something i realized i'd actually manage to mostly unlearn#by the time i was learning about cleanliness in a helpol context which was nice#in conclusion: im more sure of my spiritual path than i was several weeks ago which was nice#*is nice#and it's also nice having the space to try and let go of having to *know* what's going on in a cosmic/afterlife sense. i dont need to know#and that's *fine*. it's chill. its alright.#hellenic pagan#helpol#my post#coriander says#hellenic polytheism#hellenic polythiest#also: maybe hot take but i disagree w/ the concept of sex causing miasma. maybe in the sense of 'you should do more cleansing than usual#before making an offering' b/c yeah. its messy and there are bodily fluids involved. but it seems so wildly different#from the other causes of miasma & feels pretty purity culture-y tbh. maybe it#*it's just a holdover from the 'breaking the law of chastity is a sin next to murder' shit & i'll feel differently later. idk#christianity cw#mormonism cw#uh. i think that's it. lmk if i need to cw tag anything else but there's nothing glaringly obvious#*nothing else
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Can we agree on a shared clothing size system. I ordered a bikini bottom on eBay (cause I found the top here but the bottom was sold out, uncommon size bra girlies know how hard it is to find a bikini that fits AND in a color you like) and it was marked as a size 10 and since the store was in the UK I thought that must mean it was a UK size 10. So off I go converting to EU sizes and yes UK 10 is a EU 38/M so great my size!!
But it arrived today and NO it was apparently a AU 10 which is NOT a EU medium but a EU small! I got this shipped all the way here for it to be too small bc size conversions needs way more research than I thought! Can we have a shared clothing size numbering system please!
#this has been a whole struggle bc at first a Norwegian web shop DID have the bottoms I was after#so I ordered the top from one web shop and the bottom from the other shop cause none of them had both#I get order confirmations to my email#two weeks pass I get the top but no shipping notice on the bottom#SURPRISE they didn’t have the bottom after all but THAT mail ended up in spam for some reason!!#so I went on eBay to order instead and managed to get the wrong size#can’t imagine it’s easy to return so I guess I’ll order ANOTHER#this may not seem like such a big deal but when it’s really hard to find bikinis in your size AND a nice color that isn’t black or neon#well#I want us to have an international clothing size number system please#but we can’t even agree on metric systems so I guess not#it’s the fantasie swim in Persian Rose if anyone’s wondering
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Chat how do I give a two weeks notice after only working at a place for two months in the least awkward way possible 💀
#like it's been a perfectly fine job. people are pretty nice#buuutttt i got offered a manager position somewhere else at a place my friend works and im not passing that pay raise lmaooo#i feel really bad though i NEVER leave jobs this soon and i dont hate it or anything 😭😭😭#and i was like oh i'll be working here for awhile! :).....hnnngh anyways#literally considered not interviewing cause of the social anxiety of putting in my two weeks but that would be stupid fr😭😭😭😭#chen.txt
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dry swallowing pills is my stupidest flex. i'm not even showing off anymore i'm just impatient
#this post brought to you by#the breakfast of champions#(a monster energy and a naproxen)#and my decision at a rather young age to figure out how to do it because sometimes juggling pills and water in your mouth is too difficult#obviously small dry ones are easier#gel caps and large pills are a lot more difficult *mostly* due to size#but the gels are also more prone to sticking to me accidentally on the way down which is Super Uncomfortable#that said i learned my technique on the dayquil gel caps when those were relatively new and thus the ergonomic tech on the cap shape/size#wasn't quite there yet but they did catch up#and also my hips which i think are the actual problem and not my lower back which is...really annoying mostly lmao#i can FIX lower back if that's wrong#idk how to un-dislocate (i assume) my whole pelvis and put it back into place properly#that post about ripping your spine out and fixing it manually out in the open but for the rest of the skellybones#that's how i feel#on the plus side something *did* big major pop back into place last night and i imagine at least some of this pain is related#but like#ow#that's not very nice and kind of you Mr. Pelvic Area#if my hips didn't part like god commanded them to make way for his people to escape egypt once a month every month#i probably wouldn't HAVE this issue#i'm Stretching i'm Moving as much as i'm fucking capable i'm Learning How Far Is Too Far and i'm just like#why isn't it WORKING#what am i doing WRONG#and it's just that my body hates me specifically and doesn't want me to have a good time hardly ever#also probably my hip joints are related to this#i'm relatively certain i have mild hip dysplasia (or however it's spelled) as well as the hypermobility#which i'm just assuming at this point is EDS due to all the other factors involved but like fucking hell#it's almost like a fucking chronic illness that causes pain regularly or something#i wanna speak to the manager of bones#i've got some Choice Fucking Words for them
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Everything is very horrible today in an autistic meltdown kinda way so either I'll pop off and draw a lot or lay face down in bed doing nothing for several hours we'll just have to see
#the worst thing is its not just any one thing#its a build up of terrible terrible terrible#and when i do fibally get set off it seems like its over smthn really fuckinf stupid#RAGHHH#i will explain actually cause most of it woild piss anyone off#my whole family is off of school/work today except me#my siblings went to the movies#i had to go to work and work was fuxking SLAMMED#so i had a pretty shitty day already work wise#then i learn like an hour before i leave that i have to pick up my siblings#in the rain#in the dark#and also two othee peoplw are gonna be there so my car will be litetally full#and its in the busiest part of town#AND i have to pick up dinner beforehand#so that combined with evweything elae aboit today was already upsettint#and then the coworker i dont fucking like started fuckung around with smthn#not doing his aork#which is why i dont like him cause he never gets anything done#so that was sort of the last straw ig#anyway my manaher was bejng really nice befoee i left cause i was obviously upsey#but i was like ' listen i am literally about to have a meltdown so i have to go i cant do this rn '#i feel bad about it#but whats worse briefly inconviencing my manager or having a whole fucking meltdown in frojt of everyone#muppets ref ha#anyway#i just wish my parents respected me#even a little bit#cause they sure fucking dont#not me nor my time haha!
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Really wonder what kind of shit show I am gonna walk into work this weekend with being off for almost two weeks
#lyssa rambles#I had my last staycation week off last week#I wasn’t really scheduled to go in until today#ima be all morning manager isn’t in on Fridays must be nice#so I’m sure it will be hell of a day cause football game this weekend also#and we get like ton of party platter orders for games#this has been a post
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Rice. From my plot that's literally just a game of chess. (he's a rook)
#my characters#CHESS BABIES#they actually had a tag here and i adore it bc it was in caps lock for a while#no idea why it was in caps but whatever it was thems the rules#rice has a younger sister named turnip and shes a pawn and then his coworker rook is a guy named cakes#and cakes has a huuuuuuge crush on him and doesnt think to hide it so rice just kinda puts up with it and then somehow#they meet with one of the white knights and are like well he seems mostly harmless#and since they dont attack or try to kill him he decides hes actually in love with rice as well so cakes is like oh no#im going to lose my years long crush to some foreign guy#but the white knight is just vibing cause out of the entire white army he has the least stake in it bc he was born in the land of red#so he doesnt really care but since one of his parents was a white native he got recruited kinda#look it sounds so bad to have colored nations and them being white black and red#but its chess i swear and my dad had a REALLY FUCKING NICE wooden chess set when i was a kid#and it was AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL and each piece had red felt on the bottom to about scuffing the pretty wood board#anyway thats where the neutral land idea came from - all of his pieces had SOME red on them#and now i gotta go to work for more video orientation#guys theres been so many videos in the past two days#i have no energy for art#i have so many things i wanna draw but i havent managed to actually do anything yet#i need a fuckin schedule.....
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.
#the week before last my mom and i decided to spend more time in nature since we've been cooped up inside since like 2020#we decided to enjoy our garden again#(mostly cause we can't afford to turn on the AC because of bills going up but it was still a nice change in routine)#we cleaned up the patio table and got our folding chairs from storage (things we hadn't properly used in years)#i got an old unused notebook out to write outside and just have a nice chill time#we were combating mosquitoes but it was fine and my dog was really happy to just chill with us on the grass#it was perfect and lovely#...#that lasted exactly 3 days#last tuesday night some fucking asshole jumped my neighbors wall (or our gate idk) and stole our two old ass folding chairs#and wednesday night he came back to get the table he forgot (a table so fucking heavy idk how he managed to get it up the wall/gate)#and as you can imagine... if we can't afford to turn on the ac because the electricity bill is already impossible to pay...#it was a real fucking effort to buy another table#but i fucking REFUSE to go back inside like a fucking puppy with my tail between my legs#we can barely make it to the end of the month#buying something silly like icecream or an extra sweet has us revaluating the entire month's expenses#and we can't even own fucking furniture that we've owned for like 15 years#i'm so fucking tired!#i want to either die or leave this place and honestly dying is more achievable#anyways i just spent almost half the money i had on my bank account#but i bought a small folding table which i will fold up and bring inside every fucking night because not even a gate can keep you safe#i will fucking sit outside and enjoy fucking nature so help me god!#(if the rats/lizards let me lol)#see why i'm so fucking tired all the time?! when you're not dealing with pests you're dealing with human pests#i do thank god and all angels above they didn't try to break in and kill us in the process but my fucking garden furniture!!!#that was too long cause i'm still pissed#and tomorrow is grocery shopping day so i'm depressed again#angel talks#personal
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I'll stop posting wips eventually but it's been five days since I've said anything and I don't want anyone to think I'm dead/dying/stuck in a ditch and withering away, so here's 10% of the reason I disappeared (the duck is stuck in rendering hell) (and my little baby laptop is screaming at me every time I open up this file)
I might still be mostly lurking for a little bit so please be patient with me in the meantime 🙏🙏
#seriously though I'm sorry for just up and disappearing like that#wanna talk to people and interact with them so bad lately but I just can't bring myself to do it#so the best i can manage is blabbing in the tags like always#i don't know wtf is going on but over the past few days I've just felt like i don't deserve to talk to anyone#tried to reblog posts from mutuals several times but something in my head keeps saying;#'yeah they don't actually care for your input at all and you're being a bother for even trying etc etc'#and i know deep down that's probably not true (i hope) but i can't reason it away you know#and i know the best solution to this is to just talk to someone#let it be known that i *did* make an attempt to#i tried texting someone (and succeeded) but i couldn't keep doing it and I'm back at square one (and now feel worse lmao)#i'm not really putting this here for anybody to see it as much as i am for myself#but i know that (hypothetically) this could be seen by a real human so it still kinda feels like I'm reaching out in a way which feels nice#makes me feel less like I'm shriveling up in my own self imposed solitude#so uh hello person who might be reading the tags (there's six of you guys here now which is crazy cause i post nothing but junk here lol)#((but thanks anyway for following and even more thanks for reading this if you did))#i'll make my way around all the posts i missed soon enough don't worry#i'm sorry i'm really not meaning to ignore anybody#i have drafted quite a few posts from moots that i couldn't finish leaving comments on but i have seen them#everyone here is super cool and talented as always <3 whether that be through art or writing or just finding neat posts to share#this wall of text is long enough and i'm very eeby so thank you again for reading this#tldr; not dead and i'll be okay eventually :)#not rb#hey look i didn't post a picture of my dog this time (a crime)#i'll make sure to share one the next time i get a good one
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