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Sorry for the absolute WALL of Text but I wanted to put my own thoughts about where Pike's story could go. There's honestly a lot of avenues that Pike's story could take and all of them are so fucked and angsty in the best way possible.
Like I can very much see a storyline where Pike is targeted by the Whisper One cult for her blood + powers to resurrect him. Firstly, there's Pike's general isolation from everyone. VM's disbanded and as such, there's really no one around to see or check on Pike. Percy and Vex are in Whitestone, Vax and Keyleth are doing Ashari stuff. Scanlan's on his world tour (Plus whatever the hell they plan to do with the whole "You're not real family" thing which I KNOW is going to come back around to bash in Scanlan's teeth) And Grog, while super supportive, doesn't really ask that many questions or comments and as such, this leaves Pike in a prime state of isolation from the group.
There's also Pike's disregard of her own self as well as her tumultuous relationship with Everlight that's probably the biggest thing that'll kick everything into gear.
She very much doesn't want to bother anyone with her problems, especally when it comes to her Goddess, and her refusal to tell people about her fracturing relationship with said goddess is exactly what's going to get her hurt. Her few years away from VM was great for her because she didn't have to work as hard to conceal her problems from Grog. But now that VM is back together, it's going to be difficult to hide everything because, well, she's the healer, the cleric, the holy one. She needs to be at the top of her game, and it looks like it's going to be absolutely hell for her because her powers are not working.
There's also the added stress of her entire existance, how her blood is special, how it connects to her overall faith. It's no surprise that the whisper one wants her blood. If you go back to Season one, Delilah actually carves The Whisper One Symbol into her arm twice -- Once when she was turning Silas into a vampire and the second was when she was attempting to bring Mr. Whisper into the world under Whitestone. Both times, the ritual used blood magic to do so. While Silas' transformation was a success, Delilah's second offering was only half-that. He needs a tangable body (he was only ever able to bring his marble body to the material world) to live in and Pike's divine blood is just strong enough to allow that.
I desperly wonder how they're going to make the Whisper One corrupt Pike. I know that they're most likely going to make Pike possibly hear the Whispered One's voice (much like Delilah did--although TLOVM didn't exactly allow us to hear it, it's heavily implied that the WO preyed on Delilah's anguish and whispered in her mind her greatest desire) but I wonder if they'll go a little farther and make The WO some shadowing figure in her dreams/prayer void, not necessary charming her but speaking just enough truth to effectively manipulate her.
There's also just the fact that we could potentially see her fuck-ass hillbilly family and how their involvement will greatly influence Pike's already scattered sense of self and faith, as well as whatever they plan to do with Willhand because the fact that he didnt seem all that fazed when she returned home with white hair makes me think he knows what Pike is and i'm just---
I am so excited to see where they take our gnome in the future but also I am not ready for the pain it will cause. especially when it comes to whatever they have planned with her blood. I hope she took her iron tablets
The whispered one cult targeting her bc of her blood is a direction I can totally see them going in, especially with her having the mark! I like how throughout this season Grog does ask her questions concerning her faith, she just quickly dodges the questions and gives skewed answers (ex: âcanât the Everlight help you?â âI havenât had a chance to ask yetâ âhave you tried praying?â âI donât think thatâll helpâ) so I wonder how much of that is gonna continue into season 4 and if sheâll eventually confide in him like she did in season 1. I also wonder how much of season 4 weâre gonna spend apart before coming back together, like how much are we just gonna get Pike/Grog as a duo and how much are we gonna see more her dynamic with the rest of the group and her potentially confronting Scanlan about everything. (Heâs also the only one who read Delilahâs book so I wonder if he would potentially recognize the mark, then again he didnât say anything when Zerxus handed it over so idk)
Iâm definitely curious about how or if itâll all play into her pride in being a redeemer and how she views her role in the group. One of the lines I just keep thinking about is Zerxusâ âI can see why the Everlight favors you, youâre as careless with those close to you as you are yourselfâ bc not only does it make me want more Everlight lore but it also immediately takes me back to Pikeâs moment in season 2 telling Osysa âI donât care if I die, none of us doâ. Pikeâs role as the holy redeemer in her group is such an interesting clash with her less apparent carelessness/willingness to throw both her and others lives away, yet they seem to very purposefully play into each other.
I love me a good crisis of faith story but ohh man am I worried for my girlâŚ
And thank you for sharing all these ideas/theories I eat that shit up!!
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More work stuff under the cut
it's dawning on me how much I have absorbed from my boss' behavior in two years here, like the paranoia, the never writing anything down, never trusting anyone, tying my self image to the lab, lying to let outside people think that things are ok, and I think most shamefully, thinking way more about what I can gain from relationships I form. My phd advisor asked me wtf is going on with my boss and I stayed super vague in writing, thinking I would talk to him when I see him. But why? what am I afraid of? They have zero points of contact! And I keep thinking about how he told me like 1.5 years ago that people I was collaborating with were spreading rumors about me, and that I had to be careful about what I told them, and how I then held back from ever asking them for help or showing any sign of weakness. Of course I believed him, I had no reason to believe he would lie to me! And even now I still don't know, so much of my perception of the rest of this university is coming from what he told us, I literally don't know what I know anymore, all I have to anchor me is my friendships with close colleagues who are all quitting.
#I drove my two closest work friends to the airport and the train station today#they both had their last day this week#my boss is guilt tripping me for bailing on him for dinner tomorrow#I'm meeting with a collaborator who he wants to set up a partnership with#and I want to warn her to not send him any student ever#but he keeps going on about how they are such close friends so idk how to approach it#but I have never seen them talk so he may just be lying#and I know that sometimes people do repeat stuff to him like 'oh so and so criticized you'#and then he amplifies it of course#well. one guy does that#but it does fuel the paranoia#he has such a fucking kind demeanor#people trust him so much#it's me I was people#and so was everyone in this lab#and I hate this whisper network shit#bc it only works for well connected people#I hope he gets fired and he is never allowed to supervise anyone ever again#but that's not a thing#idk what to do
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i needed to express a sentiment in the creative stylings of @dunmeshiminimumwage
#eliot posts#dunme#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi#sorry to put toshiro in the roll of shitty job interviewer lmao#but he was the best fit for ''guy that wants me to read their mind''#laios being my internal monologue here#i was on my THIRD interview of the day i was Dying#tho since the prev two interviews i had were for similar positions and told me their salaries outright at least i could use that number#(though tbh my work persona is more of a kabru. my customer service voice is unparalleled)#(at my first job even my coworkers thought i was sooo cheerful til i got too comfy and casually made a joke abt wanting to asphyxiate on a#plastic shopping bag like a sea turtle. in front of my sweet elderly coworker. oops!)#(also this job was during quarantine and after weeks of working together i took my mask off in front of one coworker for the first time#and she called like half the department over from their registers to look at how pretty i was??? prettyboy powers unmatched ig)#(also my first interview today went SO well i charmed that interviewer so good despite my lack of qualifications)#(she even complimented my social skills and said i seemed like the type who could get along well and make good conversation with anyone!)#(which is important bc i was interviewing for an elder care position. also old people especially tend to think i am a Delightful Young Lad)#(unless i accidentally make a morbid joke around them ig lmaooo. or. well. some of them like those too. but not that one coworker lol)#(if only that skill transferred over to actually making friends irl. my autistic ass has so few close irl connections)#(i hope my exceedingly short list of character references does not prevent me from getting hired)#AND ALSO my first job asked the same wage question and i said twelve dollars#and they were like all our new employees start at 7.75#the union insists that we pay all new employees a whopping 50 cents above min wage. (we'd pay less if we could)#like dawg why did you ask that then??? if my answer did not matter at all???
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not diagnosed with anything. but maybe I should be
#or maybe I'm overthinking things#but every time I learn that someone I connect well with has adhd or autism#I look at myself and wonder if all the quirks I have in common with them are signs of anything#some posts are a little too relatable#but others don't quite match up with my experiences#does this mean anything#but I'm doing fine#I'm managing school and work and my life is going well#whatever I've got going on I'm managing well#the only reason I'd want to get evaluated for anything#would be so I can stop wondering#I don't know how to explain this to people#bc I Seem So Normal#am I masking?#am I just reading too far into little things?#I really don't know
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bleh
#blabbering#rambling/whining/complaining/venting ahead:#I think the horrors have finally caught up to me and the depresso is starting to take hold#i don't usually experience this until winter but I think the sudden drop of activity and people going on hiatus and such -#has triggered this early for me#basically I can't be left alone with my thoughts for too long or i start spiraling REALLY badly.#i don't really handle change very well haha...#i have the notorious curse of second guessing anything and everything and putting it on repeat in my head and then amplifying it#which sucks bc I don't have any more escapisms that work now bc this was already my escapism and I have no human connections irl#(I'm not kidding either. I've failed time and time again to make friends irl and was always the proactive one about it. But alas... ugh)#my only source for connections is online bc i struggle to make friends (especially at my age and how my energy keeps depleting and depletin#might lowkey be sharkweek but usually I just get more agitated and not this (this is very specific to the winter horrors⢠for me)#i guess I may as well check out the spears while they're around still (tho in between me making dinner). I'm just feeling super bummed out#and not excited like I was the other day about it (ofc I blame the depressoâ˘).#I don't even know what to do for my beta characters. Head empty. Head gone. sigh.#also it sucks bc next week is gonna kick my ass at work (canada day/july 4th/july in general/5 DAYS and long shifts in there too)#i'm going to be so tired and so alone and with nothing to look forward to. Idk what to do bc none of my usual distractions are effective no#No escape. No seretonin. No company. Nothin'. I notice I when i start getting bad like this when I fall back hard into pokemon#(because it was my childhood escapism and I was a neglected only child who was left alone a lot; hence the connection lol)#i'll probably just have to suffer through it and be an absolute wreck of a person i think. I don't really have any other options#watch me get sick again bc canada sucks to work bc everyone has it off and they ALL GO TO THE STORE I WORK AT AND IT SUCKS.#gonna try to draw more too but the depresso is eating my brain worms (the healthy brain worms)
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đ¤
#i think you all should know that (largely in my absence) i have#become decidedly.....not bashful about approaching peeps i want to talk to....at least online#bc for some reason you guys think i'm ok and i think you all are really cool#and i love that about you. about people. in general. humans. bless. and i want to acknowledge that#so yes i will randomly leave replies and asks bc i think this life is too harsh to not#take the moments we feel like acknowledging one another and complimenting each other and wishing one another well#that is the best part about it#(i'm still working on translating this to in person#where i am much more awkward but also like most of awkwardness is being afraid to connect#and once you kind bulldoze your way through it while focusing on being kind and focusing on the other person#you realize you're way less awkward than you think#and even the awkwardness itself is beautiful and human and worth embracing and growing through#the last two people i verbally apologized to for being awkward#-which really only translates to not knowing either them or myself or both well enough to be comfortable within our own boundaries-#both looked at me in complete surprise and told me i was not being awkward#so. idk where this ramble is going#but i'm being very outgoing and friendly on tumblr dot com tonight#bc i'd rather learn something about someone and their life and experience than be worried about what they think about me#ragamusings in the tags
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âIâll be fine i just need to uhhhhhhh idk killâ but likeâŚwhat if i did haha
#my stuff#dear diary and the several thousand mfs who can see it. Despite arguably good academic performance today feels like a bad day#bc i skipped lab to take a nap#and i feel lonely and incapable of connecting more than superficially with my classmates#like i can talk to them and i do and we get along well but i neverâŚhang out w em#or at least not as much as they seem to without me#itâs not a malicious thing i think a huge part of it is groups of ppl living or working in the same space#and iâm in a different lab building than a lot of ppl#idkâŚstruggling to find anything that sparks joy. unable to see the future with optimism#itâs just day after day of Job where iâll beat myself up on weekends if i donât do Even More Work#bc thatâs the nature of grad school. always homework or literature review to do like i give a shit abt the latter#i donât care what other people are doing i donât wanna obsessively comb through journals to make sure iâm doing Brand New Shit#i want it to stop#i donât want to read anymore. i donât wanna have to worry about my job outside of work.#i want to cry and scream and#like i donât wanna quit after i worked so hard to get here#i donât wanna wuss out#but iâm always tired. iâm never rested or relaxed or truly enjoying myself#why is this only hard for meâŚhow tf is everyone else able to read and remember and understand this much??#like yeah maybe i should be on adhd meds but those are fuckin spensive and a pain in the ass to get#iâm tired of being tough#i want to curl into a ball and be told itâs going to be okay and that i can rest and have it not be a lie or a half measure
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SchemingâŚ
#chattin#taking time to draw and write out a relationship/dynamics chart for the thieves and assorted friends#bc theres. alot. and it would be nice to write it out. it would help establish my thoughts about them#its not poly/thieves but its. kind of adjacent to it. but its less shippy and more focused on how they interact-#-and behave with one another. like theyre kinda bonded together over everything. lines get a little blurred but its what works for them#and i think lumping them all together as poly/thieves is a shortcut for breaking down their character#like obv akira has diff relationships for everyone; but how do THOSE people react to others ??#like pego/ryu is real and true but also ann is absolutely there. u cannot separate them.#theyre the shujin delinquents to me LOL. they are too tightly bound together to let any external relationship split them at this point#akiras not w goro; its akira AND ryuji w goro. like akira and goro would just not work; but ryuji make its work well yknow?#goro doesnt get third wheeled w ann and vice versa bc ann and goro are good friends; they just hang :)#its like. if u could SEE the fucking string of connections making a mess of my white board in my minds eyeâŚđ#so im trying to write it down into something that works for me#i dunno. i think its fun :) i did this for ffxv too#only that was way easier bc its just the four of them. but like. how do their internal relationships affect the overall polycule ?#anyway. inspired by that love post; that theres diff kinds of love. and kiss ryuji week LOL#bc i wanted to write a small thing with different thieves for each prompt#and im like how would their relationships differ from one another ?#ryuji and akira but also ryuji with makoto. ryuji w haru. ryuji w yusuke. its like.#u cant use the same thing from most pego/ryu fics bc they DIDNT meet the same way#waugh.#rambling#just know that im insane. i have all these wips and nothing FINISHED. waaa.#this is what that post meant about being obsessed over bad media LMAO. this is just what happens#u stay up thinking about fake polycules from a game that came out seven years ago#i thinkâŚ.#WHAT. 2016???#EIGHT years ???#funny bc i was thinking about how ffxv was eight yesrs old and i am still a mess over it#well. could u imagine if i played p5 when it LAUNCHED instead of in 2020???
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I think part of the reason why I struggle to feel close with anyone is like. I really only know how to get my social need filled through judgement and approval and rank-climbing.
It's part of why I keep wanting to involve myself in Greek Life, despite knowing how toxic it is. I'd have people around me always, constant social events, and the expectations would be clear and harsh always. So I'd have clear and easy ways to get supply. If someone's "love" is conditional, then I know when I'm doing the right things, I know when they're approving of me, I know when we're "connecting". I crave it.
But the system's close friends? They'll approve of us no matter what. So like. What then? How do I feel that connection? If I don't have to earn their care, what direction am I supposed to go in? What do I do, what do I talk about, how do I act?
#just spilling thoughts everywhere rn but ugh#im so lonely#saw smthn online that felt like it was calling me out directly lmaooo#about not caring about individuals and only caring about avoiding loneliness#(like i care abt ppl's well-being but i have no personal investment)#it felt like a strength. grey cares so deeply about specific people but also gets cut just as deeply bc of it#meanwhile i could get attention from anyone and be just as satisfied. couldn't care less about who it was or if x or y person randomly#stopped talking to me#(b4 anyone comes at me. again i intellectually care about the well-being of individuals. like i want them to have a good life and a good da#yknow. and im not a jerk. and personally i DO *want* to connect i just dont know how. the emotions and drive aren't there. it's not persona#at all. and it's fine if that's a dealbreaker for ppl but i'm not evil for it and i don't treat people badly bc of it)#my supply-seeking and overworking myself and ED behaviors are all caused by the same underlying need#i don't know how to exist without people. which is so funny bc for so long i've acted like i'm so invulnerable and independent and don't#give a shit about anyone's approval. but i do. so fucking deeply. and since direct interpersonal relationships are terrifying#my brain seeks out the next best thing - societal approval. no names or faces attached. just anyone. something. anything.#when i'm talking one-on-one with someone - yknow what no gonna make this another post and try and work it out separately
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oughhhhh
#oc rambling incoming Sorry#okay i am thinking of how to translate pianos story into genshin bc so much of her character revolves around this contention between#reality and fiction and the ways that fiction (art specifically) often paradoxically transcends reality#and how the two are presented as diametric opposites despite that not being the case at all; theyre reflections of each other and are#carefully intertwined as each builds upon the other#art and artist; creation and creator; author and audience; all being part of one huge ouroboros#in which each party constitutes the other i.e. ''we are what we eat''#and this concept is juxtaposed with the concept of connection and humanity i.e. we are collages of each other#we are every little fragment from every little moment that passes us by and we carry bits and pieces of all the people we have ever loved#we constitute each other#and this can be used for incredible connection and kindness and fulfillment#as well as facilitation for unimaginable hurt and violence#SO. with those as the core concepts.#i think pianos story can be translated into something similar or adjacent given the existence of irminsul#literally being able to turn reality into fiction and vice versa#and the really obvious thing of how teyvat's ''true reality'' or original timeline can only be preserved using fables#piano as a ghost because she is a work of fiction brought to life via irminsul?#something compeltely artificial only given meaning because it is observed by others?#because someone else wanted it to be there...#huh okay. add that one to the list (throwing her in a box with scara and albedo)
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It's always a little surreal for me when a parent commends me on being good or patient with their child cuz I'm quickly reminded that they have no idea the only group of people I'm truly comfortable around are kids
#like don't get me wrong. they are a handful and can be exhausting and frustrating at times.#but they are just so fun and genuine. I love talking to kids and seeing their brains work in real time to piece things together.#you forget just how much they don't know until you say something that seems obvious to you and they piece together#meaning through the only context clues they have. and ofc they're almost always wildly off track.#but it's a beautiful glimpse into a childish perspective#but anyways. I just feel like I'm so obvious bc I feel so awkward trying to connect with people my age#and that awkwardness clearly isn't there when I interact w kids bc... I mean. why would it be. I'm not trying to impress or relate to an 8yo#I also forget not everyone knows how many younger siblings I have.#I feel like a chef who studied extensively only the finest cuisine. and then I get commended on the finesse w which I pour a bowl of cereal#like ah. well yes I suppose it is very cool that I am somehow not losing my shit while teaching your 6yo how to play slappy hands and RPS#clearly you don't know abt the time I kept 7 of us alive for a month when I was 14 when my dad was in the icu and my mom stayed w him#and only came home around 11pm every night. I even did the grocery shopping for us. now that is something to commend.#the youngest at the time was 2. she slept w me in an armchair so I could keep an eye on her and I just. didn't sleep.#cuz I was terrified of somehow smothering her while unconscious.#try being 14 on no sleep raising 6 kids aged 12-2 from 6am-11pm w no adult supervision for a month.#turns out it makes you really good at slappy hands 10+ years later.
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thinking of every time I've seen sisyphus characterized as a dull emotionally incompetent brute. wonder why that is.
#do you really think hed have people ready to kill and die w him bc he doesnt know how to connect with people?#answer with your heart.#i have a problem of 'favortism' and kind of only reading from a handful of people even if i dont . like them much#so it could well just be one dude. and it could well just be their older works bc i havent read in a bit. but alas. i think of it
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an iron man | oneshot
pairing: choi beomgyu x you
summary: beomgyu has only ever known how to live function as a rental sexbot. he fucks whoever and whatever comes his way with a forced smile plastered on his face. that is, until you, a self-proclaimed trainwreck, come along.
genre: android!au, sexbot!au, angst, romance, fluff (more than i ever thought i could ever write i fear...), skippable smut at the very end (will be marked)
warnings: very brief and vague mentions of beomgyu being forced to engage in sexual acts he does not want with previous clients, skippable smut at the very end (will be marked)
smut warnings: unprotected sex, creampie, cockwarming, praise, dacryphilia, sub!gyu
word count: 14.7k (trust i will not be writing this much again if this flops BWNWJSJEJDK)
notes: terrified to post this one because this is probably my favorite thing i've ever written and if it gets a bad reaction i might die :,) also very unsure if this is the best time to post it since it's during kinktober so i'm not sure if the demand is there but i love this work so so much i pray you all like it. if you don't read anything else from me, i hope that you read this bc i rlly care ab it :,) please don't be mean i beg
beomgyu doesnât know how long heâs been living like this. living is an odd term, too, and itâs not just because âlifeâ is ill-defined for an android, but because to call what he experiences a life feels like a bastardization of the term. his power is turned on at some point, usually late at night, he fucks or gets fucked by somebody he probably doesnât know, then he does the same shit all over again. so yes, he may be âaliveâ, but he wouldn't dare to call what he experiences living. living is too precious of a term to be used so cheaply on a sex android whoâs made available for rent for the highest bidder of the night.
heâs seen how people live through his scattered vignettes of human life. he only gets them when heâs powered on, but he soaks them up with pleasure because theyâre the only thing heâs ever known. some people do it wildly, living unattached to everyone and everything. their lives are not completely dissimilar to his, in a way, except they have a choice in the matter. they have time to find themselves, what their likes and dislikes are, and they get to connect with people in a way he will never have the power to. others, though, live the kind of life he really wants. they live by loving and being loved, knowing and being known. he wonders what itâd be like to know somebody outside of whatever secret deviant sexual pleasures they have. he wonders what itâs like to be known, too, but he guesses you would need to have something for someone to care enough to know about in the first place. he has no such thing.
itâs a night like any other when heâs powered on by a total stranger. he briefly takes in his surroundings and notices that itâs a really nice place, but you wouldnât be the first rich person to rent him â not by a longshot. next, he takes you in. now, thereâs no reason for you to dress up, really. you have no need to tempt him, as he will be able to feign attraction no matter what you look like, but he still finds it odd that you seem to have forgone any effort to appeal to him, if only because most peopleâs fantasies require them to look and feel sexy; but you donât look sexy at all. you look like youâve just gotten home from a long day at work, and honestly? you kind of smell like it, too.
âdo you think you could do the dishes for me? iâm exhausted,â you ask with a perfectly-timed yawn. what⌠?
he short-circuits for a moment as he tries to think of an appropriate response. heâs never had anyone try to get him to do chores for them, but maybe this is some sort of weird roleplay? maybe you want him to act as a house husband for you before doing the deed, which isnât necessarily a problem since heâs well-versed in acting, but thereâs just one issue.
âi donât know how,â he tells you honestly.
âyou donât know how to do dishes?â you ask curiously,Â
âitâs not in my programming,â he replies. if you didnât know any better, youâd say heâs embarrassed because of the way he hesitates and looks away from you when he says it. he canât possibly feel that, though, so it must just be your imagination.
âoh⌠thatâs alright. okay, do you know how to clean a room? mineâs kind of dirty,â you try.Â
ân-no,â he says, and he wishes the earth would just swallow him whole. heâs never failed at living up to expectations, and never so badly, at that. just what kind of fetish is this?Â
âthatâs okay,â you sigh, and he may not fully understand it, but he can sense your disappointment. âwell, what can you do?â and the question is not asked maliciously, but with what seems to be genuine wonder. ah. he knows how to answer this one. slowly, he walks up to you and loosens your hair. you look up at him in shock, but he just cups your face, swiping his thumb across your lower lip.Â
âi can do whatever you want me to, baby,â he whispers alluringly. âjust tell me how you like it.â youâre so stunned at his switch in demeanor that you forget how to speak for a moment, but you quickly recollect yourself and pry his hands off of you.
âi donât want you to do anything,â you insist. âiâm just tired. if you canât help me clean, thatâs alright. you can watch something if youâre bored. i think thatâs it. well, goodnight.â beomgyu is malfunctioning at the moment. he thinks the gears in his head might be sparking while he tries to understand this new development. you donât give him time to process it, though. you just slam your bedroom door shut behind you. he thinks he hears you lock it, too.
genuinely at a loss at the thought that he has nothing and no one to do, he sits himself on your couch. he tries not to make himself too at home at first, just barely making a dent on it and scooting to the very edge of the cushion as to not appear to be too relaxed. what if this is some sort of test? what if youâre actually going to come out soon so you two can fuck? until then, what should he do next? thoughts like this plague him until he accepts the fact that you are actually sleeping. your obnoxiously loud snoring is a dead giveaway, and he finally, finally feels brave enough to fiddle with your remote control.Â
he scrolls for something to watch. movies and shows have been on as background noise during sex before, so heâs somewhat familiar with them, but heâs never gotten the opportunity to pick for himself or actually pay attention to what's happening on screen. he settles on a romantic movie about a robot who joins human society. the robot falls in love with a human girl, but in the end, the robot has to leave the girl because the town wonât accept him, even after using him. she marries a human man and has children, and eventually grandchildren, too. she still loves the robot even though heâs gone, which he thinks is supposed to make him feel sorry for her, but all he can feel is pity for the robot, who spends the rest of his life alone.Â
itâs enough to make him cry, which he shouldnât be able to do in a non-sexual setting, but he does it, anyway. itâs just so unfair to him. the girl is able to live a normal life while the robot is doomed to be alone forever. why? because he was born different? itâs not his fault that he was invented, but he spends the rest of his time on earth paying for the crime of existing in a world not built for him. the more beomgyu thinks about it, the more wronged he feels. heâs outright sobbing by the time you plop down on the couch beside him. he jumps up and straightens his posture while trying in vain to regain his composure.
âyeah, this movie makes me cry, too,â you quietly remark. heâs silent, not because he didnât hear what you said, but because he genuinely doesnât know how to act after being caught red handed.
âcan i ask you something?â you ask in lieu of his lack of a response.
âyes,â he feebly answers.
âwhy are you crying?â you question with a tilt of your head, but something in him tells him that you already know.
âbecause the movie made me sad,â he admits after a pause.
âare androids supposed to feel things like that?âÂ
â... no,â he replies after a pause.Â
âthen why can you?âÂ
âi⌠i don't know. just please donât say anything to my owners,â he pleads. he knows that if the company that owns him were to find out about this, heâd be scrapped in a heartbeat. or worse, theyâd analyze him like a labrat to try to find the anomaly within him. his âlifeâ as a sexbot will be over, and heâd really rather be a box of scraps than live as a case study in a lab somewhere.Â
âitâs okay,â you tell him with a reassuring smile as you watch him trying not to spiral. âi wonât tell them. itâll be our secret.â beomgyu has never had a secret to share with anyone before, so he feels an overwhelming amount of excitement at the idea that he will finally have one. his chest feels warm at the thought.
âthank you,â he says with a grateful smile.
âno problem,â you reply with a yawn. âiâm tired, so iâm heading back to bed. i just wanted to get some water. goodnight, for real this time.âÂ
âgoodnight,â he murmurs softly. you return his words with a sleepy smile and go back into your room. he finds that heâs smiling even when you leave.Â
he spends the night consuming as much media as he conceivably can before he has to leave. usually, he'd be powered off after heâs done being used, so he greedily savors every moment he can. who knows if he'll ever get this chance again. when you wake up, you're surprised to see that he's exactly where you left him, still watching the screen intently.
âgood morning,â you say while stretching your arms.Â
âgood morning,â he replies.Â
âare you ready to be returned?â you ask.Â
â... yes,â he lies.Â
âokay. i think somebody will be here to pick you up in an hour or so. you hungry?âÂ
âi don't really eat,â he bashfully answers. for some reason, he's embarrassed at the fact that you're treating him like a human while he's unable to fully act like one.
âoh. i guess that makes sense,â you nod.Â
things are quiet until heâs picked up, but itâs not an awkward silence. you sit next to him on the couch as you wolf down some breakfast and let him watch whatever he pleases. when he eventually hears knocking at your door, he feels an incomprehensible sense of dread.
âi think that's them,â you remark, breaking the silence.Â
ây-yeah,â he replies.Â
âwell, it was nice to meet you,â you say, reaching out your hand for him. heâs unsure what to do with it. not missing a beat, you gently grab his hand and shake it. he's stunned at the physical contact, and he's still reeling when you let the man from the rental company in. you have a brief conversation with him before he walks towards beomgyu.
âgoodbye,â you tell the android with a smile and a little wave.Â
â... goodââ and the man switches him off.
-
the next time beomgyu is powered on, heâs in your house again. relief floods him when he realizes it. you donât seem as exhausted as the last time he saw you. when that was, he has no idea, but if he had to guess, heâd say it was just last night because of the fact that heâs so popular heâs rented almost every day.
âhey,â you greet him with a smile. heâs still feeling relieved before he realizes that tonight might be the night where you ask him to have sex with you. maybe you were just tired last night and had no desire to fuck, but he can tell that youâre feeling more energetic tonight.Â
âi didnât catch your name,â you add.Â
â... beomgyu. iâm part of the choi line, but iâm a custom model, so they gave me a name,â he tentatively replies.
ânice,â you nod, and you briefly introduce yourself before asking if he wants to watch a movie.Â
âwatch⌠a movie?â is this some sort of euphemism for fucking? it wouldnât be the first time heâs heard of something like this. as mentioned before, some people like movies as background noise.Â
âyeah, you can pick,â you say, casually plopping down on the couch and patting the cushion next to you. he hesitantly takes your cue, and heâs mentally preparing himself for what comes next before you take a blanket and cocoon yourself in it so tightly, itâd be impossible for him to touch you.
âwhatâs wrong?â you ask, and he jolts a bit when he realizes that heâs been staring in disbelief. âoh, are you cold? do you want a blanket, too?âÂ
ââm fine,â he replies.
âare you sure? the clothes they make you wear look a little thin,â you observe with your nose wrinkled, and he feels impossibly small under your surveying eye. âhere, iâll get you some sweats. i think soobin left some the last time he was here.âÂ
âwhoâs soobin?â he asks a little too quickly. so quickly, in fact, he doesnât even have time to process why he even asked.
âmy friend. stay here, iâll grab them for you.âÂ
when you return, you have a long pair of sweatpants in hand and a big t-shirt.Â
âyou can change in the bathroom. itâs down the hallway and to the left, okay?â he nods in response.
he strips his clothes off as best as he can, and it feels like heâs shedding a second skin. when heâs finished undressing, he pulls on the clothes you gave him and stares in the mirror. itâs in his programming to always be mindful of how he looks, but he feels especially self-conscious now that heâs wearing a normal outfit. he fixes up his hair and clears his throat before exiting your (messy) bathroom and making his way back into your living room. he finds you fiddling with your phone before you look up at him.
âtook you long enough,â you tease, and he blushes, which stuns you. just how human is this guy?
âs-sorry, i ââÂ
âhey, iâm just kidding. youâre fine. you look pretty good in those clothes â soobin would be jealous,â you chuckle. his ears perk up at the mention of soobin again. is he your boyfriend? he must be. why else would he have clothes at your house? is that why you don't want to sleep with beomgyu? because you have someone already? if that's the case, why rent him at all? but he is not brave enough to ask these questions, so he settles for a soft âthank youâ and returns to his spot on the couch.
you toss him the remote and he catches it with ease before unsurely flipping through your streaming services. he finds something that piques his interest and turns to you with an uncertain look before you nod encouragingly. he selects it and lets it play. he doesnât mean to, but he finds himself sinking further and further into the cushions as it progresses.Â
itâs a sweet movie â a romantic comedy about an amnesic woman whose memory is wiped clean every morning, but a man falls in love with her, anyway. she never remembers him, so he has to make her fall in love with him in a new way every day. he finds himself smiling throughout it, but a particularly funny scene has him actually laughing for the first time. itâs a squeaky sort of thing, and he has never laughed before, so heâs somewhat surprised as it leaves his throat. he looks to you in trepidation, but you just smile warmly and respond with a soft chuckle of your own. he finds that he looks to you every time a new development occurs, and you always answer encouragingly.Â
the end of the film surprises him. itâs bittersweet in that she never does get her memory back, but the man makes a video recounting their entire love story for her to watch every time she wakes up. it ends with them living happily together in spite of everything, and itâs enough to make him sob. he turns to you and sees that youâre teary-eyed as well, but you seem to be enjoying his reaction so much that thereâs still a grin on your face. after the film ends, you can tell that he has something on his mind.
âwhatâs wrong? didnât you like it?â you gently ask.
âi did. i just donât understand,â he replies timidly.
âdonât understand what?âÂ
âwhy he would do all of that for her, i guess,â he says.Â
âbecause he loves her. when you love somebody, youâd do anything to be with them. you always find a way,â you tell him, and the sentiment seems to strike a chord within him.
âeven if theyâre that different?â
âof course.â
-
beomgyu spends the following nights with this same routine. heâs switched on, sees you standing in front of him with a smile, gets comfortable, and watches as much media as he possibly can while you two chatter away about every scene. he learns much more from it than he ever did from experience with his previous renters, and he finds himself becoming more and more emotional by the day. you never try to question him or press him to explain any of his feelings, and it just makes him feel even more comfortable with you.Â
one day, he even feels comfortable enough to ask you a question. the question.Â
âcan i ask you something?âÂ
âof course! what is it?â you reply in earnest. beomgyu has never directly inquired about you.
âwhy do you rent me? i mean, i know we watch stuff together now, but why rent me in the first place?â and even when he feels exponentially more at ease with you than he ever has in any other context, heâs still nervous when he asks it.Â
âoh, my friend did it as a joke, i guess,â you shrug. âhe thought i needed to get laid or something, but iâm not into stuff like that, so i just thought iâd ask you to help me clean. obviously, thatâs what i actually need,â you giggle. what he feels at your words can only be described as disappointment. âstuff like thatâ? so youâre not into sleeping with sexbots? is it because you find them disgusting? is it because you find him disgusting? heâs not sure what he expected, but this wasnât it.
âoh. so why donât you buy a cleaning bot?â he asks softly, and while you are usually pretty perceptive of his emotions, you donât register the fact that heâs at a loss right now.
âi dunno. my parents were always against that sort of thing. they thought it was wrong, i guess, so i didnât grow up with them like everyone else did. i didnât really have an opinion on them until i met you,â you tell him while grinning and lightly nudging him with your elbow. he tries his best to smile because, in theory, your words are really sweet. you see him as more than just another android, so why does he feel like thatâs not enough?Â
the fragile connection you two have made seems even more fragile now. at least, it does to him. you only met each other because of a joke your friend just so happened to make, not because of fate or the divine intervention that he always sees in the movies. maybe in another world, your friend rented a different sexbot. maybe youâd even treat them the same way you treat him. the thought alone makes something ugly burn in his chest.Â
still, you are oblivious to the internal war raging within beomgyu.Â
âhey, iâve got an idea,â you tell him, and he perks up a bit. âhave you ever listened to music?âÂ
ânot really,â he replies solemnly. people have played it in the background of their sexual escapades, but he hasnât really gotten the chance to listen the same way humans do. you finally register his crestfallen appearance, but you chalk it up to him feeling like heâs missing out.Â
âwhy donât we listen to some? i can play a bunch of different genres so you can find what you like,â you suggest, and he agrees to it. truthfully, he doesnât fully understand how music can be better than movies and shows, but he is curious to find out what makes it so special.Â
and special, it is. he doesnât like every song you play, he realizes, but thatâs only natural given how different they are from each other. he finds himself being drawn to the more emotional and moody ones, but he canât help but enjoy the way you quietly sing and nod along to the more upbeat tunes.Â
as you continue to sit together, you begin to fiddle with your hair. youâre scoffing and loosening it for the umpteenth time before youâre about to give up, but beomgyu stops you.
âlet me do it,â he says.
âdo you know how?âÂ
âi think i can. iâve been watching you,â he says simply.
â... okay.âÂ
you turn your back to him to give him access to your hair and he scoots closer to you. closer than youâve ever been. his touch on your head is careful as he gently gathers your hair and begins to braid it. youâre not sure how much time passes because heâs actually quite slow, but itâs relaxing all the same. you find yourself softly humming to the tune of the song playing. the lyrics are a little dark, but you follow along in earnest, and beomgyu thinks he finally understands why people like music so much. for moments like this. he tries to soak up every detail he can, from the way the light hits your frame to the melody you hum, and he wishes this moment could last forever.
but you only have so much hair, so the moment does have to end, eventually. he ties up your hair and you pull out your phone camera to admire his handiwork. admittedly, itâs a lot better than anything you couldâve done. it seems that heâs a fast learner.
âthis looks perfect! thanks, beoms,â you say warmly. heâs stunned for a second at the nickname.
âbeoms?âÂ
âyeah, like beomgyu. beoms,â you say with a casual shrug, and something in his chest blossoms. âi give all of my friends nicknames.â and something in his chest explodes at the title of âfriendâ.Â
âyou do?â he asks excitedly.
âyeah. like, i call soobin âsoobinieâ or âsoobieâ, sometimes,â you giggle, and the bloom of hope in his chest dies with it.Â
âare you two close?â he asks, even though he knows the answer will probably hurt him.
âvery. heâs my best friend,â you answer fondly. oh. youâre beomgyuâs best friend â youâre beomgyuâs only friend, and tentatively at that. the idea that the deep connection he feels with you is even deeper with someone else, at least in your eyes, makes him feel sick. do you let soobin play with your hair? do you hum along to songs youâve shown him while he does it? do you smile at him after heâs finished and compliment him on his skills? probably, probably, probably. the ugly feeling that was previously completely foreign to him now takes its usual place in his chest, and it makes his stomach hurt so much that if he could vomit, his metaphorical dinner would be all over the floor.
âoh,â is all he can say.Â
-
days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months, but every time beomgyu awakens, he finds you smiling up at him. this canât be good for your bank account â heâs quite expensive to rent, after all â but heâs far too afraid to actually bring it up. what if you realize just how much money youâre sinking into him and want to stop renting him? what will he do if you donât want him anymore? he feels an incomparable sense of dread at the thought.Â
he prepares to sit on the couch and watch something, listen to music, or even play a video game with you. you two have gotten into them recently, and heâs discovered that he very much enjoys playing with you, even when youâre yelling at him and demanding that he stop letting you win. he canât help but grin when he thinks about it. you start playing a song, and you do, indeed, invite him to sit on the couch, but you donât sit down next to him and start babbling away about your day like you usually would.Â
âdo you think you could do me a favor?â you ask.Â
âwhat, do you want me to wash your dishes?â he jokes, and you share a laugh before you say your next words, but all laughter and joy is profusely sucked out of him when you say them.
âno, smartass, but can you braid my hair for me? iâm going over to soobinâs tonight, and i want it out of my way.âÂ
âsoobinâs?â
âyeah, itâs been a while since iâve stayed the night, and he said weâre way past due for it,â you tell him, and the world as beomgyu knows it comes crashing down around him.Â
âyouâre staying the night with him?âÂ
âmhm. heâs right, itâs been too long; but donât worry, i bought a pass so you can play video games online. thereâs even a headset so you can talk to people, if you want. maybe youâll even make some friends,â you say while playfully waggling your eyebrows. beomgyuâs silence is pensive, to say the very least, and you worry that heâs apprehensive of making a friend that isn't you.Â
âseriously, you might like it. itâll be good for you to meet more people, honestly. iâm sure itâs driving you crazy to only have me to talk to,â you jokingly add, but to beomgyu, itâs the worst joke heâs ever heard. no, it does not drive him crazy to only talk to you every day. in fact, even though heâs not conscious during the time you spend away from each other, he thinks, deep down, that he still somehow misses you when youâre apart. and no, he does not think he needs to have anyone but you. you are more than enough for him, so how could you ever think he needs more? again, he is taunted by that same strange and implacable feeling heâs been having ever since he met you, yet he canât quite put his finger on it, even when he nods and tells you that heâll try making new friends.Â
but as he brushes out your hair and you sing along to the words:
"iâm glad i didnât die before i met you
but now i donât care
i could go anywhere with you
and iâd probably be happy"
he finally understands what that feeling is. that warm, all-consuming feeling. that feeling of comfort, safety, and unconditional understanding. that feeling of infinite curiosity about the other person. that feeling of wanting to known and be known in a way so profound it physically aches.Â
yes, as he gathers your hair and ever-so-gently twists it in his hands in preparation for you staying the night with a man you clearly prefer over him, the feeling becomes clear as day. love. what he feels for you is love â an emotion he should never be able to even fathom, yet he does.Â
and it makes him loathe himself to a degree he never thought he was capable of.
heâs so put off by this sentiment, he almost canât finish the braid because his hands are shaking so much, but somehow, he finishes, anyway.Â
âare you done?â you ask as you fiddle with your hair and look back at him.
âmhm,â he replies.Â
âyay! thank you!â you say giddily.Â
âyouâre welcome,â he mumbles. youâre not stupid, so you notice that something is off about him, but you just assume itâs because heâs nervous about being left alone to make new friends. you feel guilty in a certain sense, but itâll be good for him to branch out and meet new people, so you tuck the feeling away as best as you can before packing your nightly essentials and getting ready to leave.
âiâll be back tomorrow morning,â you tell him, and he only nods with his lips pursed, which makes your heart feel sour.
âtry not to miss me too much,â you tease, but it doesnât seem to cheer him up in the slightest.Â
âhave fun,â he replies weakly, and your previously sour heart now kind of aches, but you have to do this for him. you can't always be beside him for everything, right? besides, it's only for the night.
you open the door to leave, but before you go, you turn back to him and he senses hesitation in you. before he can question it, youâre opening your arms, and his eyes widen when he realizes youâre inviting him in for a hug. you almost regret doing it as soon as you open them for fear of making him uncomfortable, but he embraces you before you have time to process such feelings. on beomgyuâs end, he has always been wary of touch for obvious reasons, but he gravitates towards your open arms like he was meant to be in them.
he rests his chin on the top of your head for a moment and you spend an unknown length of time just standing with your arms wrapped around each other.Â
âiâll miss you,â you admit, and before you can smack yourself for being so dramatic and sentimental over what will ultimately only be one night, you can swear you feel his grip tightening even more around you.
eventually, you break away and look up at him with a smile. you ruffle his hair and promise to see him later, and he answers you with a nod. then, you're leaving and locking the door behind you.
immediately, beomgyu feels a sense of loss heâs never felt before. after all, to experience loss, you must have something worth losing in the first place, and he has never had anything like that. at least, not until you. so he stands at the door for who knows how long, just like a puppy waiting for his owner to get home.Â
-
soobin can sense youâre out of it before you even finish crossing through his doorway, and it puts a halt to your typically overdramatic greeting.Â
âwhatâs the matter? are you feeling okay?â he questions concernedly as he pulls you in for a hug. you nod before you break apart from him and walk through the threshold.Â
ây-yeah. itâs just, i donât know, i guess i just feel bad about leaving beomgyu all by himself,â you tell him as you plop down on his couch.Â
âthe android youâve been renting?â he asks incredulously. âiâve been meaning to ask you about that, actually. whyâre you renting it so much? i barely even see you anymore. is the sex that good?âÂ
âyou know i donât use androids like that,â you snap in annoyance, partially because heâs calling beomgyu âitâ.
âi know, which is why iâm so confused. why rent it in the first place if youâre not getting anything out of it?âÂ
you struggle to answer his question. you promised beomgyu youâd keep his secret, but you trust soobin, and you know he wonât judge him, or worse, report him. besides, itâll be good to have an unbiased third party weigh in on the situation. with this in mind, you tell him about beomgyu, skipping over some of the more personal details. heâs in disbelief at first and actually thinks youâre just fucking with him, but as you tell him more and more about the time youâve spent together, his smile falls and his face turns serious.Â
âso thatâs why i feel so guilty about leaving him alone,â you finish with a deep sigh. heâs silent for a few moments before collecting his thoughts.
âgod, i canât believe this is actually happening,â he whispers.
âi know. itâs insane, but itâs true. heâs just so⌠human. you should've seen the way he looked at me when i told him i was leaving. i donât think iâve ever seen anyone look so sad before.âÂ
âwell, youâre right about him needing to make friends,â he says with a nod, and it validates all of your misgivings about leaving him alone. âbut donât you think you should, i donât know, think about what all of this means?âÂ
âwhat do you mean?â you ask, and in that moment, he knows you have no idea about the way beomgyu probably feels about you. heâs not 100% confident in his deductions, but the way you describe how beomgyu acts around you pretty much tells him everything he needs to know.Â
âi mean, you basically have a completely sentient creature who relies on you for everything. if heâs as human as you say he is, then he can probably feel everything that we do. right now, iâd guess that he feels like youâre all he knows.â and the sneaking sense of guilt that was previously threatening to creep up on you is now completely overwhelming. youâre all he knows. and you left him all alone to fend for himself and make his own friends. yes, he needs to learn how to make connections, but how could you expect him to know how to do that? it took weeks for him to finally seem comfortable around you, so how could he possibly know how to make them on his own? moreover, even though it's nothing to you, you're his entire world. he must feel like you abandoned him.
âiâve gotta go,â you mumble.
âwhat?â he asks.Â
âiâiâve gotta go home,â you repeat as you hurriedly stand up and hug him goodbye.Â
âwait! i think you should ââÂ
âlove you, bye!â you shout as you book it out of the doorway.Â
-
when you return home, you open the door to see beomgyu listlessly staring at the television screen. when he hears you, he turns to look at you with watery eyes. he looks so lost in this moment, and all of your suspicions are confirmed.
âbeoms, i am so sorry,â you tell him as you rush over and throw your arms around him.Â
âfor what?â he asks with a gulp as he stays in your embrace, shakily wrapping his arms around your waist.
âiâm sorry for leaving you all by yourself. i thought it was just for one night, so itâd be alright, but you donât have anyone but me right now; and i realize that itâs unfair for me to expect you to meet other people all on your own when youâve never had to do it before. if you want friends, iâll help you, okay? iâll be there with you as you do it,â you tell him, and you feel his body trembling.Â
âi-iâm sorry. i know itâs not a big deal, but when youâre not with me, i feel so scared. i⌠i donât know how to do anything by myself. iâm s-sorry i need you so much,â he whispers, and your heart breaks.Â
âdonât be sorry,â you say gently. âhow about this: iâll join you online and we can talk to people together. then, when youâre ready, you can start hanging out with my friends in person, too, okay? we can keep going until you donât need me anymore.â beomgyu outwardly agrees, which seems to put you at ease, but thereâs just one issue: heâll always need you.
-
gaming online is actually really fun, but making friends is hard for someone like beomgyu. heâs quiet and a little awkward at first, but after a few nights and with your help, he finally warms up to the people he games with. he gets so comfortable, in fact, that heâs even able to shit talk with them a little.Â
âfuckkk, thatâs so unfair!â his new friend, kai, wails over the headset.Â
âitâs not unfair, you just suck,â beomgyu chuckles, and kai whines again. you laugh at their interaction before kai continues.
âhow are you so fucking good at this game? youâve only been playing for a few nights, and youâre already better than me!â he pouts.Â
âiâm just gifted,â beomgyu boasts.
âvery true,â you add, and he beams, but kaiâs next words throw him off-kilter.
âwhatever. stop asking your girlfriend to argue with me â you two make me sick,â he jokes with his signature maniacal laugh, but the two of you are too stunned to laugh along. you look at each other in sheer embarrassment, and you can see beomgyuâs ears turning bright pink beneath his blond hair. youâre not sure why you feel so mortified, but you do. this is beomgyu, for godâs sake. thereâs no earthly way you could ever see him in anything other than a purely platonic way, so why does your heart feel uneasy at the notion? while youâre still too stunned to speak, beomgyu tries to pipe up and respond.
âsh-sheâs â weâre not, uh ââÂ
âdamn it!â kai yells as his character dies yet again, and any momentum beomgyu previously had to clear up the misunderstanding is killed stone dead in its tracks.Â
he turns to look at you unsurely, but the awkward moment seems to have passed for you as you laugh at kaiâs characterâs death. if only he could be as unfazed.
after kai goes offline, you two decide to quit gaming for the night. you turn to beomgyu nervously, and he immediately knows that youâre going to say something serious. he hopes beyond hope that itâs not about what kai said.
âcan i ask you something?â and his heart sinks. oh god, you probably caught onto his feelings. heâs not sure he has the confidence to tell the truth, but how could he lie to you?
ây-yes,â he replies, voice a bit unsteady.
âokay, you can say no if you want, but soobin invited us to a get together heâs having pretty soon. itâs not anything too crazy, so thereâll only be a few of us. i think itâll be a good start for you. maybe youâll even make some new friends, you know?â heâs silent at your words just out of sheer shock. heâd definitely missed the mark when guessing your intentions.Â
âitâs okay to say no,â you hurriedly add, âbut my friends are really nice, and iâd be with you the entire time. even if you donât talk to anybody, you can talk to me.â
âokay,â he agrees before he can even really think about it. he guesses heâs just relieved that you still donât know about his feelings, but part of him aches even still.Â
âreally?â you ask incredulously. âoh my god! i have to tell soobin â heâll be so excited!â you babble, and his lips curl upwards at how happy you are. he wishes he could always make you happy like this, and it seems that heâd agree to absolutely anything if you were the one asking.
-
work has been especially taxing today, which is nothing new, but you have this insatiable suspicion that something feels⌠off as you finish up for the day. as youâre about to head out for the night, you wonder what beomgyu will want to do once you get home. maybe heâll want to play games with kai, or maybe heâll want to watch a movie with you. maybe heâll let you cuddle up to him for warmth, which heâs been very willing to do, lately. the unspoken rule that you two will never touch has become blurry for some reason, but youâre pretty touchy with all of your friends, so it only feels like a matter of course to you.Â
youâre thinking about all of the potential ways tonight could play out when it hits you: you didnât reserve beomgyu. you spit out a curse and hurriedly take out your phone to book him, but itâs too late. heâs already assigned to someone for the night. fuck.
when you get home, youâre anxious beyond belief. you havenât spent a night without beomgyu in months, but more importantly, he hasnât spent a night without you. you try not to think about how scared he will be when heâs powered on in a strangerâs home. you hope heâs able to just switch back to his initial programming, but somehow, you just know it wonât be that easy. you feel sick with worry when you think about how someone so human will have to involuntarily turn his feelings off and pretend to enjoy something heâs being forced to do â with no compensation, no less. he must think you abandoned him. he must think you donât care about him. how could you forget to reserve him when he needs you so much? fuck how busy you were with work, his wellbeing should have been your first priority.
so you sit and watch the hours tick by. you try to relax. you try to tell yourself itâs only for one night, and heâs been doing it for years, but something just feels wrong, wrong, wrong. youâre about to try to force yourself to go to sleep so the night ends more quickly when you hear a rapid knocking on your door. itâs strange for someone to call on you so late, indeed, but when you look through your peephole, you see none other than the very boy youâve been worrying about.Â
âbeomgyu?â you say incredulously when you swing open the door. immediately, he embraces you, and you feel hot tears streaming down your neck as he nuzzles his face into it. you hold him as best as you can as you rub circles into his back and try to shush his cries.
âitâs okay, iâm here,â you tell him, and he whines. you try to break away to get a good look at him, but he just pulls you in even closer, as if youâre his only lifeline in this world, and in a way, you are.
after his breathing slows and his sobs die out, he reluctantly parts from you, so you hold his hand and lead him to your couch. his eyes are swollen and bloodshot while his nose is a bright pink, but he never once takes his eyes off of you for fear of letting you out of his sight. in his mind, you canât leave as long as he can see you.
âare you alright?â you tentatively ask, hand still holding his and soothingly caressing it in an attempt to calm him down. he goes to nod before stopping himself and shaking his head in the negative. your eyes soften even more at the action.
âdo you want to talk about what happened?â you try, and he nods before clearing his throat.
âi, um, i woke up and i was at this womanâs house. she⌠she wanted me to get undressed, but i didnât want to, so she started doing it for me.â you wince at his words, but heâs not finished yet.Â
âshe kept touching me, and it was so disgusting i just â i just couldn't stand it, so i ran away and came here. i donât mean to make your life harder, and i wonât ask for you to stay the night with me anymore, but if you could just let me stay here, i promise iâll learn how to clean or do anything you want. please, just donât make me ââÂ
âbeomgyu, stop it,â you say softly, but firmly. âyou are not making my life harder. you can stay here as much as you want and do whatever you want while youâre here. iâm so sorry, i didnât mean for this to happen. i was just so busy with work, and by the time i realized it, somebody had already booked you. i promise you that itâll never happen again, okay? so you don't have to be afraid. iâm not leaving you, and i wonât let anyone hurt you, either.âÂ
you donât think youâve ever seen anyone look so relieved before. it looks as though you just saved his life, and to beomgyu, you essentially did. he holds your hand even tighter, as if youâre the only thing keeping him from falling off the face of this planet.Â
âwait here, iâll get you some clothes,â you say gently, but as you go to leave, he holds you even tighter. your eyebrow quirks in a silent question at his actions, and he looks sheepish for a moment before saying his next words.
âc-can we just stay like this for a bit? just for a little while? iâm still scared,â he mumbles, and your heart melts.
âof course. come here,â you beckon, and he falls into your arms and rests his head on your shoulder, breathing your scent in as he tries to imprint this moment into his hardware. you stay like that for a while before you finally convince him to change out of his uncomfortable clothes. he reluctantly lets you go, and his eyes follow you everywhere you walk.Â
that night, you stay up later than usual to spend more time with him. he stays glued to your side and ensures that heâs always touching you in some way, which is endearing in a way you canât seem to put into words. when youâre about to head to bed for the night, you swear you hear him whimper, but he lets you go, anyway. as you lay your head down and get comfortable under the covers, you hear a timid knocking on your door. you call him in, and his gaze shyly flickers between you and the floor.Â
âc-can i stay with you tonight? i wonât bother you, i swear. itâs just â i just still feel weird. y-you can say no! i just thought that ââ
âcome here,â you softly interrupt, and he doesnât hesitate to listen. he closes the door behind him and shuffles towards you, stopping uncertainly at the edge of the bed in a silent plea for permission to enter it. you feel a weird, warm feeling in your chest when he does it. you scoot over and pat the open space next to you before he gathers enough courage to slide in. you cover him with your blanket, and he stiffly accepts it. you giggle at his awkwardness and cuddle up to him, placing your arms around his waist before thinking better of it. how could you just invade his personal space when heâs clearly traumatized? you go to remove your arms and scoot away before he firmly locks you in place.
âitâs okay,â he whispers, settling himself into your embrace and mindlessly toying with the ends of your hair.
âare you sure?â you ask.
âiâm sure.â
it isn't long before beomgyu hears your breathing slow down, and eventually he hears you begin to snore. he smiles at the sound. he can't really sleep, but he's perfectly content with watching you rest. he continues to play with your hair, and you nuzzle into his touch every so often. he doesnât want to repeat the events leading up to tonight, but he would do it all over again â any number of times â with a smile on his face if it meant he got to be with you like this again.Â
-
the next morning, beomgyu waits for the usual delivery guy from the company to pick him up, but itâs currently way past the usual pickup time. heâs most certainly not complaining, but you donât seem even remotely fazed by the matter. however, while youâre casually flipping through your streaming catalog literal hours after heâd already be gone, he canât stop himself from asking:
âum, d-do you know when iâm being picked up?â you pause, and he worries that he may have said the wrong thing before you turn to him.
âdo you want to be picked up?â you ask solemnly.
ân-no! of course not. itâs just, you know, iâd usually be gone by now, so i ââÂ
âdo you want to stay here? with me, i mean,â you interrupt.
âi⌠i do,â he replies with a gulp. usually, thatâd be all you get from him, but it feels like the perfect opportunity to be honest about his feelings. âi always want to stay with you, but i know iâm expensive, and i donât want to be a bother.â he looks ashamed as he admits it, but if he had the courage to look in your eyes, heâd note the fondness that lies within them.
âi told you that youâre not a bother to me. i also told you that you could stay here for as long as you want, remember?â and he does, so he nods.Â
âalright. i meant it when i said it last night, and i mean it now. if you want to be here, you can stay for as long as youâd like. you don't have to worry about your owners anymore, i promise.â and he thinks heâs never seen you as serious as you are now. he wonders what you mean before it dawns on him.
âyou⌠did you buy me?â he asks in disbelief.
ây-yeah. iâm sorry, it sounds so gross when i hear it out loud, but that doesnât mean that i own you or anything. what i really wanted to buy was your freedom, so you can stay as long as you want, but that also means that you can leave whenever you want, too.â
âiâm so sorry,â he says in a hushed, hurried tone. âi know i'm expensive. iâm really sorry.â
âmoney is not an object to me,â you dismiss in faux arrogance with a wave of your hand in hopes that itâll lighten the mood, but beomgyu canât stop the tears from falling over his waterlines, and youâre afraid your attempt to help him only made him feel more indebted to you. all worry is promptly washed away when you feel him pull you into his arms.Â
âthank you,â he just barely breathes out. âi donât know how iâll ever pay you back, but iâll try, i swear.â
âyou donât have to do anything for me, beoms. i shouldâve done it a lot sooner, but iâm just a little slow, i guess,â you muse, and he chuckles softly into your neck.
-
sleeping with beomgyu shouldâve only happened once, but every night when you say youâre heading to bed, he looks at you with puppy eyes and you find yourself inviting him to come along. each time, he looks so excited that if he had a tail, it would most certainly be wagging. he obediently follows you to your room and settles into the empty space next to you before holding you in his arms as you drift off. heâs even taken to humming the tunes of songs he likes when you struggle to settle down, and his baritone voice lulls you to sleep like a charm every time. he spends his time by just looking at you and trying to reconcile with his new reality. this is real. he gets to spend however many nights he wants next to you, as per your own words. even if you didnât mean them, he plans to take them seriously. he is perfectly content with spending the rest of his life just sleeping with you, looking at you, being with you.Â
-
soobinâs get together is tonight, and you look different than usual. your typical look is very casual, which makes sense because youâre only ever at home when youâre with him, but you are now primped and ready to be seen, and it makes him anxious because you look even more lovable. he knows these people are your friends, so they mustâve seen you dressed up before, but that only makes him all the more uneasy; they know a side of you he is only now seeing, and it makes that same old ugly feeling he's grown so accustomed to sprout in his chest.Â
when you arrive at soobinâs place, the first thing you do when soobin swings open the door is jump in his arms like you didnât just see him a week ago. he spins you around with a dimpled grin thatâs so sincere, beomgyu feels emotionally decimated by it. you both giggle as you break apart, and the jealousy beomgyu feels brewing within feels unpacifiable.Â
âis this beomgyu?â soobin asks, grin still very much apparent.
âyes! youâre gonna love him,â you answer giddily.Â
âitâs nice to meet you,â soobin says warmly while stretching out his hand, which beomgyu awkwardly shakes while he tries to force his lips to curl upwards in what he prays is a believable smile.
ânice to meet you,â he mumbles.
âeveryoneâs already here, but youâre late as always,â soobin playfully chastises, and you pout in response.
everyone greets you when you walk in, mostly by hugging you and lightheartedly scolding you for not coming out anymore. theyâre very clearly bantering with you, but each reproach feels like a knife to beomgyuâs heart. heâs the reason you havenât seen them in so long.Â
clueless to it all, you introduce him as your friend to everyone, which only makes him feel worse, somehow. he is just one friend out of many, meanwhile youâre his entire world. youâre far too caught up in the joy of seeing some of your favorite people after so long to notice his dismay, however.
you lead him to soobinâs couch to have a seat with you and one of your friends, taehyun maybe, offers him a drink, to which he awkwardly declines. you quickly follow up with something to the effect of âhe isnât much of a drinker,â and beomgyu nods in affirmation. you try your best to include beomgyu in conversation, but theyâre all talking about people and places he doesn't know. all he knows is you, and the world you two built together seems smaller and smaller with every new topic of conversation.Â
he notices that soobin seems to be eyeing him somewhat strangely, though he tries his best to play it off. he could just attribute it to surface level curiosity, but his intuition tells him itâs much deeper than that. is soobin sizing up his competition? maybe so, but thereâs not much to see. beomgyu is handsome, and he knows it, but soobin knows a side of you beomgyu has only ever heard stories about. youâve told him about your friends and the goings on between you and your coworkers, but it pales in comparison to actually meeting them. he makes an internal note to ask even more questions than he usually does the next time youâre telling him about your day. until then, he sits as close to you as humanly possible and clings onto your arm, which is so second nature to you, you don't even notice that heâs doing it.Â
soobin, who is usually not the inquisitive type, canât help but question the dynamic between you and beomgyu. at first, the lingering glances and intimate gestures were innocuous enough to be written off as mere friendliness, but when you whisper something in beomgyuâs ear and he flushes a bright pink, soobin knows he canât ignore it any longer. he especially canât ignore it when you turn away from beomgyu and he raises a hand to the ear you just whispered into as if heâs reliving the moment. well, time to test his theory.Â
soobin slides into the open cushion next to you and begins excitedly chattering about how pretty you look tonight, and he even takes your braided hair into his hands and twirls it between his fingers.
âyour hair looks pretty,â he muses.
âbeomgyu did it, actually,â you grin, and soobin glances over to said boy, who is currently glaring daggers at him. the look in beomgyuâs eyes is so intense, he almost wants to back off, but he has to get to the bottom of this.Â
âdid he? you know, itâs been a while since you stayed over. wanna have a sleepover tonight? you have some clothes here from last time, and we can cuddle, i know you like that,â he says as innocently as he possibly can.Â
before you can even reply, beomgyu is slamming his hands on the coffee table. you turn to face him in surprise, and the look on his face is the angriest youâve ever seen him. his eyes are dark and his nostrils are flared as he heavily breathes. heâs never been angry at all in front of you, actually, so to say youâre taken aback is the understatement of the century.Â
âbeoms? whatâs wrong?â you ask concernedly, completely turning away from soobin. your voice is enough to somewhat placate him, but before he can fully calm down, soobin is saying his next words.
âiâm sure heâs fine. beomgyu, you can find your way home tonight on your own, canât you?â beomgyu is positively seething at this. before you can question him again, heâs gripping your hand so tightly itâs like itâs the only thing keeping him from drowning, so you excuse the both of you and drag him to the bathroom for some privacy.
âare you alright?â you ask, frantically scanning his figure for some sort of sign of pain or discomfort.Â
âi-iâm fine, i just, uh, i donât feel good,â he says flatly.Â
âwhatâs wrong? is it too much? do we need to go home?â heâs so flustered, he barely registers that youâre calling your house âhomeâ, but he still notices it in spite of everything, and itâs like a balm on his aching heart.Â
ây-yeah, can we go home? please?â he pleads, and you hurriedly nod.Â
âof course, just let me say bye to everyone before we leave, okay?â and he wants to say no, but heâs as weak as ever in front of you, so he relents.
that doesnât stop him from gripping your hand, though, as you say goodbye to everyone. you go to give soobin your usual hug, but beomgyu pulls you back to him even more tightly. you write it off as him not feeling well and just wanting to leave as soon as possible, to which you oblige, and before you know it, you two are scurrying out of soobinâs place like thereâs something chasing you.
as youâre driving home, you feel your phone buzz in your pocket, but it isnât until youâre walking through your doorway that you check it.Â
soobie: we need to talk. call me as soon as you get home
youâre worried beyond belief at his serious tone, so you tell beomgyu that youâve got to make a call before ducking into your bedroom. you donât shut the door behind you, because why would you?Â
you quickly call soobin and the line connects after just one ring.
âwhatâs wrong?â you ask anxiously, and soobin just sighs, which makes you all the more anxious.
âwe have to talk about beomgyu.âÂ
âbeomgyu? what about him? is something wrong?â you question.
âyeah, i mean, maybe. this might sound crazy, but i think â i know â he likes you.â youâre stunned silly for just a moment before bursting into laughter.
âlikes me? what the hell are you talking about?â you dismiss, and you sense his agitation even through the phone.
âiâm serious. i had a feeling before, but tonight just confirmed it. he likes you.â youâre silent for a moment, just trying to process his words, but once your mind somewhat clears, you canât help but deny, deny, deny.
âyouâre wrong. itâs not like that at all. iâm just the first person whoâs ever treated him nicely, and i ââÂ
âyouâre not listening,â he cuts in irritatedly. âhe looked like he wanted to skin me alive tonight. how else do you explain that?âÂ
âsoobie,â you sigh. âyouâve got it all wrong. maybe youâre right and maybe he was feeling insecure, but thatâs probably because iâm the only person he knows. he most likely just felt like you were stealing my attention away.âÂ
âyouâre always so dense about these things, you know?â he groans. âokay, look, iâm not sure how they came about, but i do know that he has feelings for you. maybe it started out as dependence, iâm not sure, but itâs definitely much more than that now.âÂ
âthatâs impossible,â you snort, actually feeling a bit impatient now. how could he possibly think that your relationship with beomgyu was anything other than platonic?Â
âwhy? because heâs a robot?â oh, that shuts you up. âjust think about it. if he were a human, would you still be saying the same thing? like i said before, if heâs as human as you say he is, he can feel the same way we do, and heâs definitely capable of feeling love, too.â you are, again, stunned into silence. suddenly, as if there was a fog that covered your brain before, things that you never really considered become clear to you. the soft touches, the gentleness. sleeping in the same bed and waiting for you to get home. wanting you â needing you â around all the time. the way he plays with your hair. the way heâs so interested in everything you have to say. the clinginess, the dependence. it all makes so much more sense to you.Â
âi ââ you begin, but you just so happen to glance up and see beomgyu right outside of your doorway⌠looking absolutely devastated.Â
âiâve gotta go,â you tell soobin as you hang up, not even bothering to say your usual goodbye.Â
âbeoms, did you hear us?â you ask tentatively, and he flinches a little bit before looking down at the floor and nodding.
youâre unsure of how to navigate this situation from here, but while youâre still trying to figure it out, beomgyu speaks.
âi-iâm so sorry,â he says hurriedly. âi understand if you donât want me anymore.âÂ
âw-what? no, i ââÂ
âiâm just really sorry,â he says, looking as ashamed as a person ever could. âi know itâs wrong, i know itâs disgusting, but i ââÂ
âbeomgyu.âÂ
âbut i canât help it. i wish i could, but i just canât; and i understand if you want to return me or whatever, but if you could just ââÂ
âbeomgyu, stop it,â you interrupt firmly, no room for argument. he stares at you with defeated eyes, and you feel your heart break in two. âi am not disgusted, and i donât want to return you.â his eyebrows furrow as if he doesn't quite understand, so you continue.Â
âyour feelings are not disgusting to me, donât ever say that again, okay? please? it makes me sad,â you plead, and he hesitantly nods. âi think itâs normal, actually. you donât really know anybody else other than me, so of course youâre confused.âÂ
âconfused?â he asks incredulously, eyes snapping up to meet yours.
âconfused,â you nod. âit'll change once you meet more people, i swear.â you try to smile reassuringly, but suddenly, you see tears welling up in beomgyuâs eyes.Â
âbeoms?â you carefully try.
âi don't need to meet more people. i just need you,â he chokes out. âdon't tell me i'm confused because i'm not. i-i'd rather you just say you don't want to be with me than tell me that.â your heart clenches at his words, but he continues.Â
âi just want to be with you, no one else,â he tells you desperately. âi can understand if you don't feel the same way, but i can't stand to hear you say i donât love you, because i do. i really, really do.â and as if you're dissociating, your mind is bombarded by times where he's shown you this exact sentiment. again, you go back to every intimate moment you two have ever shared. it was easy to just chalk it up to his lack of experience, but when he's telling you that's not the case so earnestly, is it truly possible to still believe itâs nothing? after a while, you decide that it most certainly is not.Â
the question is: do you feel the same way? you try to put a name to the feelings you have when youâre with him. the trust you have, the understanding. the desire to share everything you know and like with him, no matter how mundane it may seem to others; and consequently, the endearment towards him when you see how eager he is to listen. more than that, the intimacy between you two. how you like waking up to him smiling down at you, and how when something happens, heâs the first one you want to tell, good or bad. how when you listen to new music, you feel excited at the prospect of sharing it with him.Â
you realize you want to know more about him, the happy things and even the sad things. why he is the way that he is, why he thinks the way he thinks. the peace you feel when heâs running his fingers through your hair and holding you close when you watch the same film for the dozenth time. you try to picture a world where somebody else rented him. a world in which somebody else got to see him as soon as they wake up or as soon as they get home from a particularly grueling day at work, and you finally understand that you wouldnât like that at all. but why? youâve only ever thought of him as a friend, right? so why does it matter to you?Â
your eyes focus on beomgyu again, and you notice how utterly defeated he looks. his heart is on full display for you â and you alone â as tears stream freely down his pretty, doll-like face. are these tears just for you? you think so. is it safe to trust that these feelings he has for you are real? youâre not sure, but you want to. still, thereâs something stopping you.
âi think⌠i think i feel the same way,â you admit, and his previously downtrodden appearance immediately lights up with hope. âbut we shouldnât.â and the words are like lead in your mouth.Â
âwhy not?â he asks, clearly distressed. you just gave him an inch, and heâll be damned if he doesnât take a mile. he never in a million years would have thought that youâd ever reciprocate his feelings, so he canât just let them go so easily.
âi just⌠itâs just not something that i can ââÂ
âis it because iâm an android?â he questions, voice teeming with self-loathing.Â
ân-no! i mean, weâre just so different,â you tell him, trying to skirt around the topic as best as you possibly can, but he wonât have it.
âwhatever it is, iâll change it. please? i can do anything,â he pleads.Â
âitâs not like that. i want to, but we can't. i-i'll get older. i won't look the same â i won't be the same,â and itâs embarrassing as hell to admit it out loud, but you mean it. beomgyuâs urgent gaze softens, and he inches closer to you before heâs standing before you. he reaches out to gently cup your face and tenderly pushes your hair behind your ears.
âand what about me?âÂ
âwhat about you?â you scoff, but you don't pull away from his touch, though your eyes do dart away. âyouâll still be you, and iâll be old and ââÂ
âwhat about when my parts start creaking? what about when i donât remember things like iâm supposed to? youâll still love me then, right?â he asks, but he already knows, and your eyes snap back to his.
âth-thatâs different. you can get repairs. i canât ââÂ
âthen i wonât. youâll get old and gray and iâll get rundown and out-of-date. i donât care what happens, as long as iâm with you.â youâre silent in the wake of his heavy words, so he quickly continues.
âyou told me that when you love somebody, youâd do anything to be with them. you said you always find a way, and i want to find a way to be with you.â your heart simultaneously warms and aches at this sentiment.Â
you consider what it would be like to be with him. things would be difficult, yes, but not impossible. maybe youâll come to regret it someday, but you donât want to think about that right now. you feel like the luckiest girl in the world when you think of the fact that somebody so beautiful, inside and out, wants to be with you. you don't think youâve done anything particularly special for him, but he still wants and accepts you for everything that you are and ever will be.
âokay,â you say shakily, and you finally recognize that his hands are still very much cupping your face, fingers lovingly rubbing against your cheeks. he smiles in pure relief at your answer, but he makes no move to break away his hold on you.Â
you notice how his gaze flicks between your eyes and your lips, and you decide you'll have mercy on him as you lean up to him and press a chaste kiss on his pouty lips before parting. heâs visibly red at the action, and you grin at how flustered he looks. on beomgyuâs end, he feels another bloom of excitement and swell of hope threatening to overcome him. when he looks at the playfulness in your eyes, he smiles even wider.Â
âi love you,â he whispers affectionately.
you pause before you tell him:
âi love you, too, beoms.â
-
that night, beomgyu is even clingier than usual. he sticks like gum to your side. when you head to sleep, he eagerly nestles in your bed and holds his arms wide open. you follow his lead and settle into his warm embrace. he sings you one of his favorite songs youâve ever shown him. the last words you hear before you sink into sleep are:
âto die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die
to die by your side, well
the pleasure, the privilege is mineâ
notes pt. 2: sfw work ends here!
you and beomgyu have been âtogetherâ for a few weeks now, so the relationship is still very new. surprisingly or not, things seem more or less the same. you guess you never realized just how intimate you two have always been until you put a label on things. the only tangible differences are that instead of just a mere hug when he greets you, he plants kisses all over your face before finding his ways to your lips. and when youâre watching movies or even just talking, heâll steal a kiss or two. and when you head to bed, you know you can expect him to catch your lips like a man starved before you sleep. things get heated, sometimes, but they never lead to anything besides labored breaths and promises to calm himself down. you take his hesitancy as him wanting to take it slow and treasure your first time together, and you realize he still may be traumatized from the years he spent as a sexbot.Â
you have apologized to him for telling soobin his secret. you let him know your reasoning for telling him, and he accepted your apology quite graciously. honestly? he was never mad, and he tells you that very clearly, but you still feel somewhat guilty even when he says he understands. your guilt is only absolved when he says heâs thankful you told soobin because things may have never changed without his wise input. he says that heâs grateful to soobin for being a voice of reason in the face of your emotional density. you blushed when he told you this, and apologized for being so slow on the uptake, but he just assured you that he wouldnât have you any other way, which made you love him even more, somehow.Â
youâre now about to go to soobinâs again for another get together with your friends. second timeâs the charm, you cheekily told him when you brought it up, and he blushed in response. when you two walk through the doorway, everyone cheers. you greet everyone as usual, and beomgyu tries his best to keep his searing jealousy at bay, but his anxiety starts clawing at him as soobin seats himself next to you and asks you how you are.Â
you giggle and tell him youâre doing well, and he responds by updating you on his tumultuous work life. beomgyu immediately wonders why you havenât told soobin about your new relationship. are you embarrassed to be seen with him? itâs not like he doesnât understand, what with him technically being made out of wires and machinery. of course a human like you wouldnât want to be seen with a metal man like him. you could have the entire world in your hands if you wanted, so whatâs the point of playing pretend with a fake like him? maybe, if he were you, heâd be embarrassed, too. he likes to think that maybe you arenât like that, but at the end of the day, how could you not be? heâs nothing more than a robot masquerading as the real thing.Â
his anxiety worsens the more in depth your conversation with soobin gets. you try to include him by briefly giving him context about the stories soobin tells, but he canât stop himself from worrying. again, he feels like soobin is stealing you away from him, and his mood sours.Â
your other friends try to talk to him, too, but heâs very obviously in a bad mood as he watches you two continue to laugh together. when you finally do turn to beomgyu, you immediately notice how awful he looks.Â
âbeoms? are you alright?â you ask gingerly, but beomgyuâs discomfort is not at all placated even at the term of endearment.Â
ââm fine,â he mumbles, and youâre genuinely in shock at his change of attitude. soobin looks very concerned, but he excuses himself to get a drink so you two can work it out, though he has an inkling of an idea of whatâs triggering beomgyu.Â
âwhatâs wrong with you?â you ask concernedly, but he shakes his head sulkily.
âdo you wanna go home?â you offer, and he immediately nods. you look torn for a second, but when you see how sad he looks, you know you canât deny him.
you say your goodbyes to your friends and apologize for leaving early, but everyone says they understand. soobin makes you promise to host the next get together, though, to which you happily agree.Â
the ride home is mostly silent, but you look over to beomgyu in concern every so often. you grab his hand and squeeze it in a way you hope is comforting, but he doesnât look any better at all.
when you enter your house, you immediately head to your bedroom, and he follows you in silence. you sit on the bed and pat the space next to you.Â
âbeoms, whatâs the matter?â you ask pleadingly as you grab his hands, and his heart, which was previously aching, is (a little) soothed by your concern.Â
âi-itâs nothing,â he answers, but you can tell that heâs lying because of the way he refuses to make eye contact with you.Â
âbaby, i canât help you if you wonât tell me whatâs wrong,â you say. youâre right, and he knows youâre right, but youâre already doing him the favor of a lifetime just by deigning to be with him. how could he dare to ask for more? heâs ashamed at the thought, but you look so sincere, and he knows in his metaphorical heart that he needs to be able to communicate with you if you two are going to have any shot at a lasting relationship.
âi-iâm just j-jealous,â he sputters.Â
âoh, baby, why?â you ask.Â
âbecause iâm not like you,â he admits after a pause. âi already feel like iâm not good enough for you, so seeing you with someone who actually is makes me feel awful.â
âwho? soobin?â and youâre absolutely petrified when he sheepishly nods.Â
âhoney, itâs not like that at all,â you tell him. âweâre just friends, i promise.âÂ
âbut it would be so much easier to be with him. you wouldnât have to be ashamed about telling everyone youâre with an android,â he argues.Â
âbeomgyu, i am not ashamed of you. i just wasnât sure if you felt comfortable with me telling everyone. if you want me to tell them, iâll happily do it. youâre so good, how could i ever be embarrassed of you?â his eyes soften.
âdo you mean it?â he asks, and you nod.Â
âdo i not show it enough? how much i love you, i mean.â he furiously shakes his head no, but you know itâs a lie. beomgyu himself will admit that he needs more validation than most people, and itâs going to take him a while to ever get over it because of his own issues. that doesnât mean you canât try to help him, though, so you brush his cheek with your hands before wrapping your arms around his neck and pulling him in for a kiss.Â
âdoes this make you feel better?â you ask after you pull away, but he still looks somewhat depressed, so you pull him in again before pressing your lips against his. this time, you swipe your tongue on his pout, which makes him gasp. you tease your tongue against his and electricity thrums between you two when you do it. he reciprocates your enthusiasm immediately, and before long, youâre both sucking and teasing each other until youâre out of breath.
you pull away again and rest your forehead against his.Â
âbetter?â you question.
âa little,â he says. âm-maybe a little more?â you grin at his coquettishness, and you go in for another kiss. your tongues tangle, but you donât stop there. your mouth travels, peppering kisses down his jaw to his sensitive neck. he shivers at the contact when you swipe your tongue over his unmarred skin before lightly sucking. he lets out a broken moan when you do it, and it reverberates throughout your entire body and straight to your core.Â
âbetter?â you ask again.
âm-more,â he pants.Â
âanything you want, baby,â you tease before your lips hungrily capture his. one of your hands snakes its way up his shirt, and he gasps when you roll his hardened nipple between your fingers. beomgyu is more sensitive than most people, as is the nature of his model, so every little touch drives him crazy.Â
you seem to have noticed this, so when your other hand palms his hardened length through his sweatpants and he almost screams, you have to bite back a giggle.Â
âd-donât tease,â he begs, and youâd do anything for beomgyu, really, but not this time.
you palm him even more harshly and his breath catches in his throat.Â
âmore?â you ask, and he fervently nods. you oblige, sliding your hand under his waistband and teasing the sensitive skin around his length. your fingers brush against it every so often, and he involuntarily bucks every time you do.Â
âc-can i touch you?â he practically implores.
âof course, my love,â you tell him as you remove your devious hands and pull your top off before unclipping your bra.Â
his mouth waters when he sees you, and you can see him gulp almost comically as his big hands meet your breasts. he copies your movement from earlier, rolling your sensitive buds between his very clearly experienced fingers. you let out a contented sigh at the action, but you wonât let this be all about you, so your hand sneaks it way back down his pants. this time, you grab his girthy cock and give it a harsh tug. his actions stutter, and you smirk devilishly at how fucked out he is when the fun part hasnât even begun.Â
you pull at his waistband, and he eagerly tugs his pants and boxers off as soon you do it. he even goes as far as to tear his t-shirt off over his head before he pulls your half-naked body flush against his, falling onto the bed as he desperately kisses you for everything that youâre worth. eventually, he situates himself on top of you, rutting his thick, long cock onto your still clothed thigh. you didnât really get a chance to get a good look at him before, but youâre able to look down at him now, and you realize his dick is gorgeous. just like every other part of him. it stands tall, blushing profusely at the tip and practically weeping precum. itâs a bit hooked, too, no doubt to elicit the most pleasure out of his clients. your pussy is drenched just thinking about how itâll feel when itâs inside of you.
he almost rips your bottoms off of you and his mouth waters even more at the sight of your pussy, all slick and glistening in anticipation for whatâs to come.Â
âso gorgeous,â he whispers as he prepares to lay himself between your legs, but you hook them around his waist before he can do so. tonight will be all about him, youâve decided, so you tug him closer and put one of his pretty nipples in your mouth, swirling your tongue on it and occasionally nipping at the sensitive skin. your other hand continues to tweak the other one before you alternate between the two, causing him to let out a low, guttural groan.Â
eventually, he goes in for another kiss, all tongue and teeth and saliva, and you take one of your hands and harshly clench around the base of his throbbing cock.Â
âis this what you needed, beoms?â you tease, and he nods pathetically as you tug again, harder this time, and let your hands stroke all the way up to his reddened tip. your thumb glides over his slit, and heâs seeing stars.Â
âi donât know why youâre so jealous of someone else, my love. youâre so perfect,â you praise, and his ears get even redder, somehow, in spite of the situation youâre both in.
âi â nghh â i donât like when youâre with him,â he pants, in spite of everything you're doing to him. âonly want you with me.â
âoh, baby, you have me,â you coo. âalways.â and with that, you begin to feverishly jerk him off with one hand while the other returns to his nipple. his hips buck with every movement, and his eyes are screwed shut. you can tell heâs about to come before you completely take your hands off of him.Â
ân-no! w-why?â he asks with a crack in his voice, watery eyes shooting open at the sudden action.
âdonât you wanna come in my pussy, instead? itâs warmer and wetter than my hand,â you ask with faux innocence with a tilt of your head, and his previously aggrieved demeanor morphs back into pure lust.Â
âthatâs what i thought,â you giggle as you grab his length and rub it against your slickness. he groans at the feeling, but you donât immediately take him in, opting to instead roll your hips up, just barely letting his flared head catch against your entrance.Â
âbaby, please,â he whines, and with a smirk, you finally wrap your legs around his waist and line him up with your entrance. you just barely take the tip in, easing it into your pussy, before you force him out again. he gasps raggedly at how tight you are, and heâs wound up so much, he feels like heâs on the brink of exploding. heâs about to take matters into his own hands before you guide him back inside of you, and he feels your walls struggling to accommodate him.Â
âs-so tight! h-how are you so tight?â he hisses, eyes reddened and face strained, but youâre far too busy with the euphoric feeling of him finally inside of you to reply. he eases in inch after throbbing inch, and it is a snug fit, indeed. he almost wonders if heâll even fit, but though the stretch burns you, the pleasure is too great to ignore. finally, your walls slightly relax, and heâs able to completely sheath himself in you. you both moan as his tip pulsates against your cervix, and he considerately gives you time to adjust, walls contracting wildly around him, before he attempts to pull out and really begin.Â
âstop,â you command before he can do so, and his eyes fill with worry at your words.Â
âw-whatâs wrong?â he stutters.Â
âoh, nothing,â you say between pants. âi just want to see how long you can last.âÂ
âw-what do you ââ
and you interrupt him with a kiss. he ravenously reciprocates it, and he canât help but unconsciously thrust his hips, tapping deliciously on the deepest parts of you, but you prevent him from ever fully pulling out. you tangle one of your hands through his hair and grip it â not hard enough to hurt, but enough to make him groan into your mouth.Â
âc-can i move?â he pleads, but you shake your head no.Â
âwhy?â he whimpers, but you just smirk as you kiss him again and bite his bottom lip.Â
he doesnât know how long you two stay like that, but itâs far too long for his liking. he feels his dick swell, and you still refuse to let him move, but you teasingly scrape your fingers against his balls and itâs all he can do not to come.Â
âp-please let me move, it hurts,â he cries, tears now flowing from his eyes. for once, sex is all about beomgyu and what feels good to him. he could cry just from the sentiment alone, but his current tears are the direct result of how youâre teasing him.
âand where does it hurt, baby? use your words, i know you can.âÂ
âh-hurts, my c-cock hurts,â he sputters out.Â
âand would pounding my pussy make you feel better?â you goad, and he whines even louder at the imagery.Â
ây-yes,â he sobs, and you smile as you say your next words.
âsuch a good boy. you can move.â and thatâs all it takes, really, before heâs pulling out despite your cuntâs attempts to suck him back in, and ramming himself back inside of you again and again.
the curve of his cock hits places previously untouched, and your walls spasm around him at the sensation.
âdoes it feel good, beoms?âÂ
âs-so good,â he mumbles as drool pools off of his tongue and out of his mouth, eyes rolling to the back of his head. âso warm and t-tight.â you clench against your will at his filthy words, and it makes a strangled cry leave his throat.Â
âpussy so good, baby. your pussy is the b-best,â he babbles, and your lips meet his again before your mouth travels down, sucking a blooming hickey onto his neck. he trembles at the pain that comes with the pleasure, but somehow, he still has the presence of mind to roll his skilled fingers against your clit. just a few touches, and you already feel your orgasm approaching. he can feel every spasm of yours, and it makes his dick twitch inside of you as he wildly fucks you open.Â
heâs drilling into you so hard, you have to dig your fingernails into the skin of his back to keep yourself grounded. with each thrust, you feel more and more like youâre about to burst.Â
âgonna come!â you whine.Â
âdo it, baby. c-come all over my cock,â he pleads.
âcome inside? want it so bad,â you mewl.
âof course, my angel. a-anything for you,â he tells you as he tenderly brushes your hair out of your sweaty face, and he hammers himself into you at an inhuman pace as you feel the pressure in you crescendo into a searing hot orgasm. you clench even tighter around him while you come, gripping him so forcefully he can barely pull out, so his thrusts become sloppy and uncoordinated before he rams himself into you one last time and paints your inner walls with his cum.
you two stay like that for a while, just panting and basking in the feeling of closeness you feel. he presses a kiss on your forehead as he relaxes his arms and lays on top of you. you giggle at the intimacy and he finds himself sharing your laughter, your joy.Â
âyouâre so beautiful,â he says between breaths, nuzzling his face into your neck and sighing. âi love you.â
âi love you, too, beoms,â you tell him, and you do love him. unconditionally.
notes pt. 3: :,) :,) :,)))))) i'm very sorry if this was disappointing but i hope it was worth it! i would love to hear your thoughts or answer any questions you may have about this fic/universe. feedback is needed to a disgusting degree bc i need validation to survive #sorry
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I know I've posted bingqiu actors au before but I'm having thoughts for another one..
Shen Yuan only occasionally acts in things he's interested in.. he'll be like "oh I like this book, they better not butcher it!" and then because his family is rich, he'll get a role. People who have never worked with him before hate him at first bc he's a nepotism baby, but then they see his passion and acting skills and go "Oh nvm, he's actually really good... he didn't have to audition like everyone else because he has connections, but if he had auditioned, we would have picked him regardless."
Then there's young binghe playing a minor character.. he's not an actor, nor does he want to be, but child labour laws say he can't get a regular job and he wants to help provide for his mom.. a 14 year old can't work at a fast food place, but movies do need real children to act in them, so that was the only option he had
Shen Yuan is 19 at this point and binghe ADORES him. He brings him food he made at home and shyly waits with bated breath for Yuan gege to say it's good. Shen Yuan helps him with his homework when neither of them are in a scene, and whenever binghe acts really well and the director praises him, he ignores everyone to run to shen yuan and ask if he did well.
When production nears its end binghe says he wants to keep working with Yuan ge!! Shen Yuan isn't working on any other projects though, and the ones he is working on won't hire Binghe.
Everyone is impressed enough with Binghe to help him stay in the industry though, and get him another minor role, then another, then a somewhat important role, then a co-lead... by the time he's in his early twenties, binghe is a household name, and shen yuan is "that actor most people will recognize but don't remember from where."
By the time they finally work together again it's like
Binghe: Yuan gege!!!! I'm so excited to work with you again!!!!
Shen Yuan: haha you remember me! I'm happy :)
Binghe, who borderline stalks shen yuan: haha yes of course I remember gege :))
Shen yuan still gives him head pats like when binghe was a kid and binghe still clings to him. One time shen Yuan gently pushes Binghe away after a tight hug that's gone on too long and says "okay okay that's enough" and binghe looks CRUSHED so shen yuan feels like the devil and pulls him back into a hug immediately
The movie comes out and it's very well received. Binghes acting was the best it's ever been (since he wanted to show off in front of Yuan gege) so people are very interested in seeing the behind the scenes footage
When it comes out people see binghe being OBSESSED with shen yuan. Whenever the two of them are in the same frame, binghe is looking at shen yuan with the softest most loving expression while shen yuan is yelling at the script writer about fan service. There's about 10 moments when Binghe comes up from behind and grabs shen yuans waist and sets his head down on shen yuans shoulder. When people see binghe saying "gege open wide, I made this just for you!" And hand feeding shen yuan they're like okay yeah there's no denying it anymore.
Then they find out this isn't their first time working together and find old bts footage of when binghe was 14 and following shen yuan around like a puppy with hearts in his eyes and they go holy fuck he's been obsessed with shen yuan for YEARS
The cast all go to an interview
Interviewer: people were surprised to see how close you two are!
Shen Yuan: well it's not our first time working together :)
Binghe: I've been waiting to work with Yuan ge again for all this time :D
Interviewer: aww! Now about rumors saying Luo Binghe is in love with shen Yuan...
Shen Yuan: obviously they're-
Binghe: true
Interviewer: ..... oh my
Shen Yuan: um...?
Binghe: Yuan ge is very well aware of my feelings, I was very obvious
*camera pans over to shen yuan where his face is red and his mouth is wide open in shock*
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HELLOO!! Soooo I so love your Tbp content!! And This is my first time ever requesting anything, and I'm so excited for tbp 2 anyways enough of my rambling :>>
Can you please make a Vance x Reader, like for example Vance is like very into Reader but reader is terrified of him bc of his reputation and all yk? If that makes sense lol
Hey, hey! No worries about the rambling I love it! This was a blast to write!! (please anyone request more Vance stuff I love writing him so much)
Gender neutral pronouns !Â
Vance was in love.
Thatâs right. For once in his life, Vance Hopper was in love. It felt weird. He saw how this sort of stuff affected his parents, but he hoped this wouldnât end up the same. His parents were a terrible duo. At least his father was. He worked with the law, and he was usually the one to show up and drag the blonde into the station. He always got annoyed. Not like Vance cared what his father thought. Let alone how many times he got dragged to the station.
No. Vance cared about what someone by the name of Y/N thought about him. That's who he was in love with. But Vance was a violent kid, a kid with a hot-temper and a couple records in the cops record book. The amount of fights he got into and the amount of times he got arrested because of them. Or the threat of charges. Now that was hell when ever a parent of a kid would threaten him with charges, let alone when it was Moose. He hated Moose. Moose was a bully, everyone knew this. Though he despised the man whenever he would go after Y/N. The amount of times those two fought and got sent to the principles office was crazy.
Way too many times could Vance recall that. But here he stood again, leaning against his locker and standing beside a couple boys. They were younger than him, he could see that. Vance was around fourteen, the oldest of the group. He was the one about to go to highschool whilst the others entered their separate grades. That was fine with him. The boys would still have connections to him, they didn't live that far and the middle school wasn't a far walk. So if any of them got hurt or in a fight, Vance could run to the middle school and help 'em. Until Billy finally hit his own Freshmen year. Griffin was the youngest, so of course it would take a bit of time for him to reach High-School.
But what if y/n and him went to different high schools? What if y/n's parents decided to leave Denver and go somewher else? A soft sigh escaped Vance as a voice to his right rang out. "C'mon, Vance. You have to talk to them sooner or later." The voice to the right of him was Bruce Yamada, the second oldest of the group. "Right. They're scared of me, dumbass." Vance commented, rolling his eyes as he leaned his head against the locker. It only stiffed a laugh out of Bruce, who raised his brow and gently nudged Vance's shoulder. Bruce knew why people were weary of the group, and it was all because of Vance's reputation. But he wasn't the one to speak up next, no. Griffin did. Even if the boy hardly spoke, being selective Mute. "It's your reputation, Vance." The youngest boy thought of the blonde like an older brother.
Which, Vance didn't mind. He would protect the youngest kid with his life. He'd protect any of these kids with his life, even if he died. Well, he didn't want to die, that was for sure. A sigh escaped him as his arms crossed. "Well, then I've gotta pick up my act, ain't I? If I want a chance with them?" This surprised the younger and second oldest. "You really plan on changing your ways, Vance?" Bruce asked as he stared at the blonde with messy hair. It'd be a challenge for the fighter. He knew that for sure. But he needed to change if he'd have a chance with Y/N. A low sigh escaped Vance as he crossed his arms and hummed. "I have to. I like 'em, you all know this." He reminded, trying to keep himself calm as he watched y/n interact with their friends.
This may take a while, but if he wanted to talk to them? He had to do it. He had to stop getting into fights, as bad as that would be. Specifically when it came to Moose. Or Buzz and Matt, and even Matty. He was a fighter, but he'd stop for his crush. Lower his reputation one way or another.
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Venusians: The Cult of Exclusivity
In my research, I have stumbled upon Venusians either being drawn into cults or being cult leaders. It did not surprise me particularly. All Venusian nakshatras (Bharani, Purvaphalguni, Purvashada) are ugra nakshatras known for being "violent". Venus is in itself, a harsh planet. In fact, all the benefic planets (Jupiter, Venus, Mercury & Moon- in that order) are harsh and for good reason; its natives have to be "purified" by the working of those planetary energies to earn its blessings. Venus values exclusivity and separatism. There is a reason why Venus attracts Venus. It is a kind of elitism. We talk about how rare beauty and glamour is these days and we fawn over the nonchalance and effortless cool of low key & mysterious celebrities. If someone or something is plastered everywhere, it loses its "special" feeling, Venus does not mingle with the masses, Venus sets the standard, its THE blue print but it does not involve itself with anything directly, they like to sit back and watch others ape them.
All 3 Venus nakshatras have yoni animals that point to a highly sexual nature and high libido. Bharani with its elephant yoni signals an immense sexual appetite (elephant being the largest land animal and yoni animal), Purvaphalguni and its rat yoni points to freaky deaky sexual behaviour and Purvashada and monkey yoni ,,, well,, monkeys are known for their lovemaking and how human like it is so..
Sex is a big focus of all 3 Venus nakshatras, with Bharani's themes of birth and death and its symbol literally being the yoni, Purvaphalguni representing the pleasures of the bed and being symbolised by the front legs of the cot and Purvashada with its connection to water, where life originated. Venus is more than just beauty and beauty itself is more profound than "looking good". Venus is beauty, romance, love, creativity, harmony, values etc.
I have talked about Venusian men and their tendency to be drawn to violence before. If we think of sex, it is a kind of violent act in itself, there has to be a back and forth of domination and submission. If we look at animals, male animals often kill other males to eliminate competition and establish themselves as the alpha that the females pick but even in coitus with female animals (literally watch any nature documentary) the male takes on a very aggressive, dominant approach and they often look like theyre trying to kill each other (people say things like "making love like animals" for a reason, sexual courtesy is a humane, civilised approach but animals are not wired that way). In Venusian men, this kind of aggressive erotic sexual persona is very apparent and Claire said these men embody "big dick energy".
Occult knowledge is gatekept and one literally cannot access it until one is initiated into it. Regardless of whether or not we recognise it as such, there are cults of knowledge all around us and we do not even know of their existence unless we've made it past their barrier and can access it. even explaining things defeats the purpose because only someone who's ready to understand it will be able to. Its nature's way of shielding itself from the unwise or the unworthy. you can be surrounded by this knowledge and still not be able to tap into it, if you do not have the discernment. this is a kind of Venusian exclusivity.
If you think about it beauty is pain. These days we see people literally endure pain to be beautiful via cosmetic procedures but this has always been the case, victorian women used arsenic to keep their skin pale and glowy and ammonia in their hair. footbinding was a common custom for Chinese women. but even beyond enduring pain to be beautiful, if you're beautiful you will have to endure pain, be it in the way others hurt you and ostracize you out of jealousy or in how people just assume crazy shit about you. Venusian women NEED to remain lowkey bc they're more susceptible to evil eye.
(im thinking of the song pretty hurts by purvaphalguni sun beyonce đ)
anywaaayys (me going on a random tangent exhibit 62772). we know that Venusians value and need exclusivity, they're the most clique-y in some ways and this is what makes them drawn to cults lol. A cult is as exclusive as it gets. nothing screams "im not like the others" than being a part of a cult lol
Osho- Purvashada Stellium (moon, mercury and venus)
Osho was an Indian spiritual guru and mystic. His commune and the crazy shit that went on there was the subject of the docu-series Wild Wild Country.
Sadhguru- Purvaphalguni Sun
he is an indian guru. i think its interesting how cults have to have a physical existence by way of a commune that people gather in or live in, its not just conceptual if ykwim. i think this is another manifestation of Venusian exclusivity. entering into a cult means entering and inhabiting a different world. Osho had Rajneeshpuram, Sadhguru has his Isha Centre.
Sun Myung Moon- Bharani Moon
He was the leader of the Unification Church, a famous South Korean cult and he claimed to be the Messiah
Moon was intent on replacing worldwide forms of Christianity with his new unified vision of it, Moon being a self-declared messiah. Moon's followers regard him as a separate person from Jesus but with a mission to basically continue and complete Jesus's work in a new way, according to the Principle.
Nirmala Srivastava- Bharani Moon conjunct Mars
aka Mataji Nirmala Devi, she was the founder of the religion called Sahaja Yoga. She claimed that she was a divine incarnation, more precisely an incarnation of the Holy Spirit, or the Adi Shakti of the Hindu tradition, the great mother goddess who had come to save humanity. This is also how she is regarded by most of her devotees. she has said that she was born "self realised" and spent her life "helping" others do the same
The Venusian urge to start a new religion đ¤đ¤đ¤lol
Religion is exclusive and if you do not have the discipline to endure its rules, you cannot gain access to its blessings. Religion esp eastern religion is extremely Venusian af, there are wonderful blessings for those who devote themselves to it and cruel sickening punishments for those who disobey. thats as Venusian as it gets
Anandamayi Ma- Bharani Sun, exalted Venus in Revati as her atmakaraka
She was an Indian saint, teacher, and mystic. She was revered as an incarnation of Hindu goddess Durga.
Her life was suffused in Bhakti Yoga and she was considered an epitome of "divine grace" that inspired the societal cultural milieu to lead the path of service, love and constant remembrance of the divine. Her followers experienced her spiritual attributes including precognition, faith healing and miracles. Paramahansa Yogananda translates the Sanskrit epithet Anandamayi as "Joy-permeated" in English. This name was given to her by her devotees in the 1920s to describe her perpetual state of divine joy.
she wasn't a cult leader or anything, just a guru even though she rejected even that label (spiritual gurus are a dime a dozen in india, no one who's actually worth their salt will label themselves as a guru)
i think Venus' connection to religion, cults and the occult is underexplored af. the highest form of love is devotion and religion/cults demand it of their followers making it a very Venusian experience. sex, love and religion are all closely connected, people experience trance like states when they're orgasmic or during periods of intense meditation (it can also be artificially induced via drugs etc but euphoria is naturally experienced through either prayer or sex) if you look at paintings of Hindu gods and goddesses, their eyes always seem so blissed out? same goes for truly spiritual people, you can immediately sense the tranquillity of their energy and the dreaminess of their gaze, like they're not of this world.
even the word "Ananda" which means joyous, etymologically means "without end" (Ah- meaning "without in Sanskrit and nand- meaning end) so the goal of any spiritual pursuit is self realization/actualisation and a person who achieves that seems joyous all the time. Many spiritual gurus have Ananda as part of their name as well.
Swami Vivekananda- Purvashada Rising
He was a monk, philosopher and religious teacher who is widely credited with introducing Hinduism to the West.
âAll love is expansion, all selfishness is contraction. Love is therefore the only law of life. He who loves lives, he who is selfish is dying. Therefore love for love's sake, because it is the only law of life, just as you breathe to live."- Swami Vivekananda
Paramhansa Yogananda- Purvashada Sun
Paramahansa Yogananda was an Indian-American Hindu monk, yogi and guru who introduced millions to meditation and Kriya Yoga through his organization, Self-Realization Fellowship / Yogoda Satsanga Society of India.
Mother Theresa- Bharani Moon & Saturn, Mars in Purvaphalguni
Mother Theresa was an Albanian nun who came to India and helped the poor and the needy. She established charitable settlements that have come under fire for mismanagement and misappropriation of funds.
Now I'll talk about some people who've gained a cult-like following or were revered in their time and considered akin to God.
Eva Peron- Bharani Sun
Known by her nickname Evita, she was an Argentine politician, activist, actress, and philanthropist who served as First Lady of Argentina from June 1946 until her death in July 1952. She was revered by the lower economic classes and helped enact a number of reforms and policies to their benefit. She also helped bring about the passage of Argentina's women's suffrage law. even decades after her passing, the grip she has on people in Argentina is crazyyy.
fun fact: Madonna, Purvaphalguni Moon & Rising played Evita in the movie of the same name in 1996.
Tito- Bharani Sun
Josip Broz, commonly known as Tito, was a Yugoslav communist revolutionary and politician who served in various positions of national leadership from 1943 until his death in 1980
He was a popular public figure both in Yugoslavia and abroad. He remains a popular leader in the former countries of Yugoslavia. Tito was viewed as a unifying symbol, with his internal policies maintaining the peaceful coexistence of the nations of the Yugoslav federation. his legacy lives on and he was a VVV popular
Rasputin- Bharani Moon
He was a quack with no actual powers but man did he have a following
Rasputin was a Russian mystic and holy man. He is best known for having befriended the imperial family of Nicholas II, the last Emperor of Russia, through whom he gained considerable influence in the final years of the Russian Empire
Historians often suggest that Rasputin's scandalous and sinister reputation helped discredit the Tsarist government, thus precipitating the overthrow of the House of Romanov shortly after his assassination.
Taylor Swift- Purvashada Rising
Taylor's chokehold over her fandom is insane. I think it's due to her PA Rising bc wheww
There is a reason why Venusian influence is sooo common in the charts of it girls and icons. Venus is THE blue print, it makes others want to be like you and imitate you and also claim they hate you or dont know you all in the same breath.
Trisha Paytas-Bharani Sun & Jupiter, Ketu in Purvaphalguni
Trisha has a cult like following whether u want to admit it or not. Girlie has been doing this for a decade and a half and is still somehow relevant?? literally most of her contemporaries have been cancelled or left the platform and she's still standing?? despite a gazillion controversies that too lol
Now I'll mention some famous celebrities who are in/have been in cults
John Travolta- Purvaphalguni Moon
He was/is a Scientologist
Park Bogum- Bharani Moon & Venus
Bogum is part of Jesus Centred Church which is a cult and he was apparently even given his name by the founder/leader of the cult. There have been rumours that Bogum left the controversial church/cult and joined a normal church but there isnt enough info to confirm this
Nazanin Boniadi- Purvaphalguni Moon
She is a former Scientologist who was "trained" to be Tom Cruise's gf before he met Katie Holmes. read about the crazy and torturous stuff she was subjected to and you'll wonder why tf scientology hasn't been shut down by the government yet
Ruslana Korushnova- Purvaphalguni Moon
She was found dead at 20yrs old under mysterious circumstances. i do not think she committed suicide at all but she spent some time at the Rose of the World which is a culty organisation.
British TV producer and filmmaker Peter Pomerantsev has theorised that Korshunova's suicide was related to her involvement with Rose of the World, a controversial Moscow-based organisation which describes itself as "training for personality development". While researching for a documentary into Korshunova's death, Pomerantsev learned that the model spent three months attending training sessions at Rose of the World. These sessionsâwhich encourage participants to share their worst experiences and recall repressed memoriesâare modelled after Lifespring, whose controversial methods were the subject of multiple lawsuits for mental damages in the US during the 1980s. Korshunova attended training sessions with a friend, Ukrainian model Anastasia Drozdova, who committed suicide under similar circumstances in 2009. Friends of the two women reported changes in behaviour after several months at the Rose. Korshunova became aggressive, while Drozdova experienced violent mood swings and grew reclusive; both lost weight. After three months of training, Korshunova returned to New York to look for work, where she wrote of feeling lost and doubting herself. Rick Alan Ross, head of the Cult Education Forum, argues that organisations such as Rose of the World "work like drugs: giving you peak experiences, their adherents always coming back for more. The serious problems start when people leave. The trainings have become their livesâthey come back to emptiness. The sensitive ones break." Only months after leaving the Rose, Korshunova was found dead.
Michelle Pfeiffer- Bharani Sun, Purvaphalguni Moon, Rohini Rising
She was involved with Breatharianism, a cult that believes that you donât need to eat food (Say what?!). She joined after moving to Los Angeles and looking for a group to feel comfortable with. They focused on diet and exercise but believed that people could live by sunlight alone at the highest level of the cult. She actually realized that she was in a cult after helping her first husband Peter Horton prepare for a movie role where he played a cult member. She said, âWe were talking with an ex-Moonie, and he was describing the psychological manipulation and I just clicked.â (crazy to me that the not eating real food did not click??)
Rose McGowan- Purvaphalguni Sun & Mercury, Mars in Bharani
She spent her childhood in the Children of God cult and her family fled from its clutches after they started advocating for adult-child sexual intercourseđ¤Žđ¤Žđ¤Ž
Sharon Tate- Purvaphalguni Moon
Sharon wasn't a member of a cult but a victim of one :((((
Sofia Hayat- Purvaphalguni Moon
Sofia was a model, then she quit the industry to be a nun, now she calls herself a shaman and a healer and posts weirdly sexual vids on IG
Zaira Wasim- Purvaphalguni Moon
she quit acting to devote herself to religion and because she felt that being in Bollywood made her lose touch with her faith.
This is a very Venusian experience imo and one of the reasons why Venus thrives in keeping itself hidden or taking away other people's access to it is because otherwise Venusians feel contaminated almost?? other project onto them heavily and they feel clouded by it, unsure of their own identities. they feel like they're losing touch with themselves. many Venusian celebs are known for frequently changing their persona (Bella Hadid, Ariana Grande etc come to mind) the more time they spend exposing themselves to others, the more confused they become about who they are, they lack a stable self image.
Religion and faith can act as stabilisers and help these natives feel more grounded.
A reason why Venusians (idk if you noticed by most of the gurus were Purvashadas and most of the followers I mentioned were Purvaphalgunis, with an equal mix of Bharani natives in both) are drawn into cults is also because Venusians can only thrive in Venusian environments?? Otherwise they feel desolate and lost, a lot of people join cults because they don't feel understood or connected to people in their normal life. cults look for people who need help, and give it to them on predatory conditions.
Purvashadas are often spiritual leaders/gurus but seldom blindly devoted followers because being the final Venus nak, it transcends this toxic grip of Venus. Purvaphalguni is the height of Venus and these natives are constantly seeking spiritual truth and belonging but never quite ascending, as it is Venus at its most indulgent. Bharani is the first Venusian nak and I have found that the first nak of any planetary dominance is in some ways its "softest" manifestation, its the baby among the naks. The nak in the middle is the peak/height of that planetary energy and thus, the most cruel or harsh manifestation of that energy along with the concluding nak but the concluding nak also kind of transcends its influence??
high fashion/luxury etc is also very Venusian bc theyre the ones who covet having things others dont have. anywayyys this is just a stray thought lol
hope this was informative!!
#venus#bharani#purvaphalguni#purva ashadha#astrology notes#sidereal astrology#vedic astro notes#astrology observations#astrology#astroblr#nakshatras#vedic astrology#astro observations#astro notes
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