#and when i feel like i can handle myself and my parents trust me to be responsible i still can't. do shit. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mischievousmoony · 4 months ago

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𝚜𝚊𝚗𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚊𝚛𝚢 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜' ⟡ 𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝟹

⟢ james potter x black!reader (fem)

⟢ summary: after your parents cross the line, you and your older brother sirius find sanctuary at the potters'. your first day goes very poorly . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁ 5.1k

⟢ warnings: there is talk about the reader's previous hostile home environment, although it's not pictured. walburga black is implied to be mentally unstable. a theme here is the lasting impact growing up in that environment has on a person: reader fears becoming like her parents, longs for a more loving environment, doesn't handle her emotions very well, and picks fights. both anger and sadness are dealt with unhealthily by different characters. if there is anything i should add here, please please let me know.

⟢ part 1 ⟡ part 2 ⟡ part 3 ⟡ masterlist

note: well! yikes! angst! i'm not sure i like the vision but i’m trying to remind myself this is a hobby and doesn’t have to be perfect <3

“A walk?” You questioned with a raspy voice.

“Mhm,” James nodded, “Just around the yard. Think it’ll help you feel better.”

You let James lead you to the back door, hand and hand. When he opened it, you discovered that “yard” was a bit of an understatement. The Potters’ property was larger than you knew— enormous, really. Lush garden beds thrived nearest to the house, and the grassy green beyond was surely where James practiced quidditch over the summers. The large trees scattered around the outskirts of the property made you picture a younger James climbing them.

James led you into the grassy landscape, taking notice of your awestricken expression as your eyes fall on Euphemia’s garden.

“I knew you’d like it out here.”

“It’s beautiful,” you mused, stopping to admire a bed of flowers. James dipped down and plucked one from the ground.

He fit it behind your ear and winked, “Don’t tell my mum.”

You frowned, reaching up to remove the flower from your hair. You twirled it inbetween your fingers.

“Your mum must think so poorly of me now,” you muttered, staring down at the flower.

“What? Why would you say that?”

“The first thing Sirius and I did after we were invited to stay is have a screaming match in the dining room. We sure know how to make ourselves feel at home,” you laughed bitterly. “And now she knows we’re together. Didn’t even get to properly tell her. I can’t imagine what she thinks of me.”

“Hey, look at me.” James said in a stern but gentle voice. You wonder how all the Potters can sound so kind even when they’re working up to a lecture.

You peered up through your eyelashes. James sported a pretty smile, and that alone made you feel a little better.

“It’s gonna be alright,” he said, “My mum’s not one to jump to any conclusions. She trusts me, alright? And don't worry about your fight with Sirius. No one's expecting this to be easy for you. For either of you."

James continued, “Besides, we all let our emotions get the best of us sometimes, yeah? We’re human. My parents will understand.”

James could tell you over and over again that it’s okay to be angry and it’s okay to slip up, but you didn’t think any amount of it would ever make it feel okay. You wondered how he could even believe it.

It surprised you, actually, how mature and level-headed James could be. We’re human so it’s just okay if our emotions get the best of us sometimes? Who actually thinks like that?

At your house, you had to be nothing short of perfect at all times. Now that you’ve seen Fleamont and Euphemia in parent mode, you can see where James learned it all. You never had anything like that, and it was difficult to wrap your mind around it.

Especially because it wasn’t too long ago that James was one of Hogwarts’ biggest trouble makers—his pranks were the epitome of immature. Evidently, he's grown up a lot recently.

Stupidly, you felt bitter about it. Which was completely absurd, you thought. Because surely you were not jealous of your boyfriend because he learned how to regulate his emotions better than you did. Because he was growing up, maturing? And you… well you don’t know what you’re doing. You felt stuck, like you’d always be a scared little kid who needs her older brothers’ no matter how old you got.

“Maybe you’re right,” you said, not really knowing what else to say. You were compelled to change the subject, “I’m worried about Regulus.”

“I know,” James began leading you around the garden again. You dropped the flower back where it came from, not wanting to be caught red handed with a freshly murdered flower from Effie’s garden.

“We have to get him out of there,” you sighed.

James looked at you through the corner of his eye. Apprehensively, he said, “From what Sirius told me, you guys barely got out of there.”

“Yeah, so we’ll need a really good plan so that we don’t get caught.”

James turned his head to look straight at you. He looked at you like you had two heads.

“What, you want to break him out or something? You want to go back there?”

“We have to. Regulus–“

“Regulus made his choice.” James interrupted warily.

You felt your heart sink into your stomach, “Please, not you too.”

“You heard what Sirius said. Regulus was given the option, and he chose to stay behind,” James tried to reason.

James knew how much your twin meant to you, it wasn't a surprise that you'd be worried about him. But to go back to that house? That was a step too far for his comfort. The moment that Sirius admitted exactly what his mother had done to him, James knew he'd never let either of you near her again. Something must've snapped in Walburga Black— she has been teetering on the edge for years, but she has unmistakably gone from being a cruel mother to an outright unstable woman.

The though of Regulus still being around her made him sick. Even though James didn't know him that well, he still found himself caring about him. It was likely an extension of your love for Regulus manifesting in James, who cared for you so deeply that your concerns became his. But that's just it— you're the one who he really cared for. Above all else, it's you he wanted to protect.

“He did not choose to stay behind,” you raised your voice, offended that James could ever think so.

“Love...”

James didn't mean to, but he looked at you with pity in his eyes, as if he thought you were in denial.

Anger flared up in your chest when you registered his expression, “No, don’t do that. Just because Sirius said so doesn’t mean it’s true. Regulus wouldn’t just choose them over us. Sirius– he doesn't have his facts straight.”

James didn’t say anything. What could he? It sounded like you were implying that Sirius was lying and James knew Sirius wouldn't do that.

For the record, you didn't think Sirius would lie either. But he was absolutely capable of missing something.

“You don’t believe me,” your mouth hung open after your words.

“It’s not that.” James rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, “I believe you, but I believe Sirius too. And Sirius said that Regulus refused to come. Whatever the reason, that's the choice he made. I’m not going to let you put yourself in danger for a– a lost cause.”

His words stopped you in your tracks.

“A lost cause?"

You had never been so affronted by James. He might not know Regulus nearly as well as he knows you or Sirius, but the fact that he could easily tag him as a lost cause was unbelievable.

"Don’t be an idiot, James. How could you say that?”

James had kept walking for a couple more paces, so he had to turn to face you. He tried to cover the way the venom in your voice made him flinch.

“You can’t force him to leave,�� he said, sounding as understanding as he could muster, but he needed to get through to you.

Phantom alarm bells were ringing in his ears, his desperation for you to hear him growing. You were stubborn and you'd do anything for your brothers, James knows this all to well. But not this. He couldn't let you do this. He wouldn't let you go back there.

“Merlin, you’re siding with Sirius!” you accused, giving in to the anger burning in your chest.

James tried to remain calm as he spoke.

“I’m not siding with anyone.”

“Yes, you are! How could I be so stupid? Of course you’d choose Sirius over me!"

James features twist in anguish, "Love–"

"This is what I get for falling for my brother’s best friend. When there's a choice, it will always be him, won’t it?” You spat, glaring at James in a way that almost knocked him off his feet.

He was completely taken aback; you two had never fought like this. He tried to take some semblance of control over the situation, “Okay, you’re angry right now, and that’s okay–“

“Oh, would you stop that!” you shouted. A small part of you hoped the sound wouldn’t travel back to the house, but a bigger part of you was consumed with a growing rage. That part didn’t seem to care.

“Stop what?” James knitted his brows.

“Being some master of emotions all of a sudden! I’m accusing you of picking Sirius over me! I’m raising my voice at you! I’m calling you names! Why won’t you fight back? Yell at me, do something!”

James took a deep breath, “I’m not going to do that.”

He sounded completely calm and collected. Somehow, that pissed you off.

“Oh, you’re so perfect, aren’t you?”

“What?” James felt like he was going crazy, unable to decipher what he could possibly be doing wrong.

“Perfect James Potter, wouldn’t hurt a fly these days! You could never–! never lose your cool, could you?” you shouted.

James gaped at you. He couldn't be mad even if we wanted to; he was just confused. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? You yourself didn’t even seem to know what you were saying, your words tumbling out awkwardly as you said things even you knew weren’t true.

It’s not like James never lost the reign on his emotions. He throws his quidditch gear around when he loses a match, he can’t control his frustration when he doesn’t do well in class, he isolates himself when he’s sad instead facing it, he does a whole lot of things that he’s not proud of.

And you’ve seen it all before, but for some reason, you’ve chosen not to remember those moments. All you can think about is how you were so angry and scared, and he was so understanding and level-headed. And how you grew up with screaming matches and unfair punishments, and he probably got to grow up with calm discussions and soft spoken apologies. And it all felt so unfair.

“Are you–? Sorry, you're mad at me because I'm not getting mad at you? I’m sorry, I guess?”

“I don’t want you to be sorry I want you to yell at me! Be mad at me, fight with me!” You felt the familiar sensation of tears welling up in your eyes.

James looked shellshocked. Truthfully, he didn’t know how to deal with you like this, he’s never seen this before. Sure, sometimes you bicker— all couples do— but this was reaching an uncharted territory.

"I'm not going to yell at you for wanting to keep your brother safe–"

"Then yell at me because you think I'm naive for thinking I can get him out of there. Fight with me because I think you're an idiot for thinking Regulus is a lost cause!"

You were trying to rile him up, James knew this, and he so badly wanted to not let if affect him. Not because it was making him angry, no, it was making him sad.

But he couldn't fight it.

And James always does the same thing when he's sad.

“I think we need to take a step back from this conversation. Why don’t we go inside?” James offered.

He sounded like he stole that line from some therapist's book on navigating conflict. It made you want to scream.

“You go inside! I’m going to keep walking.” You pushed past him, deliberately letting your shoulder collide with his as you stormed away.

James let the blow knock him back a step, too thrown off to do anything else. He listened to your receding footsteps and he wanted to be the type of boyfriend who runs after you when you’re upset. Who holds you and listens to you until you can work out the problem. Instead—

“Just stay by the house, okay?” he called over his shoulder.

“Yeah, whatever.”

A few hot angry tears slid down your face. You aggressively wiped them away and willed any more tears to dry up. You were tired of crying.

You stomped around the gardens and grass, thinking of Regulus and how he deserved better than siblings who left him behind to find refuge with a boy who wouldn't think twice about rescuing him too.

Leaving that house was something you'd always dreamed of. But you had imagined both of your brothers by your side. No one was ever supposed to be abandoned.

Sirius just didn’t understand how horrible being alone in that house was. You and Regulus had already experienced a taste of it when he went off to Hogwarts a year before you two. Not to mention, Sirius was always the strongest of you, so without him, navigating that house was a whole new terrain.

Maybe that’s what Sirius senses is different about your relationship with Regulus. Those nine months were probably the worst of your life, and Reg is who you went through them with.

And maybe that's why you were so adamant that Regulus can’t be left there alone while everyone else seems ready to abandon all hope. Your parents had never been more furious than when Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor all those years ago. You suspected that they would be worse, angrier than ever after the departure Sirius orchestrated for you and him. You couldn’t let Regulus face that alone.

Somewhere along the line, worry for Regulus took precedence over the anger that held your gentle love for James hostage. By the time you came to a large trees on the outskirts of the lawn, the anger from the previous argument had simmered.

As you plopped down in the dirt and sat against its trunk, you tried not to be annoyed that taking a step away from that conversation really worked.

You took in your surroundings to distract yourself. It was to no avail, as a nearby shed caught your eye. Through its open window, you could see James’ broom and other quidditch gear.

“You idiot,” you chastised yourself aloud. You let your head fall into your hands as a million nasty thoughts about yourself raced through your mind, the most prominent being you’re just like your mother.

It was just like her to pick fights. You couldn’t breathe in that house without her telling you that you were doing it wrong. She always found something to yell at you for.

How could I act like that, you winced as you recalled the fight you just walked away from.

Poor James, who you yelled at for not being mad at you. It really was just like her to get upset over something so irrational. You felt ill over the similarity, and you were overwhelmed with a sense of impending doom.

You couldn't let yourself be doomed to your parents' fate. You wanted to be kind, reasonable, rational. So, what wouldn't they do in this situation?

A safe assumption would be that they wouldn't feel bad, so you're already on the right track it seems.

They also wouldn't apologize.

Okay, yeah. Apologize. You could apologize.

You have to apologize.

Just go apologize.

But you just couldn’t get yourself to move. You were frozen in shame for your behavior, the only movement was the rise and fall of your chest from your labored breath.

James Potter did not like feeling sad. It was unsettling, uncomfortable, so utterly unlike him.

Whenever it happened, he tried to hide from it. He'd lock himself away somewhere before he'd dare face it head on— or admit that it's there at all.

The last time he was sad, he let himself fall asleep in the common room just so he wouldn't have to face his friends back at his dorm. And when his childhood pet died, he didn't mention it for months, only alerting his friends to his cat's passing when Peter asked how old his cat was again.

It's not that James thought there was anything wrong with being sad. He definitely didn't believe in any of that nonsense that real men don't cry. In fact, he was always the first to offer his shoulder if any of his friends were upset, back pats and let-it-all-outs at the ready.

But when it was him, when he was the one with the lump in his throat and a pit in his stomach, he couldn't handle sadness anymore. It made him feel vulnerable, and he wanted to be the strong one, the brave one. The one who lights up a room with the force of the sun and brings humor and fun into everyone's days.

So, when he couldn't be that, he'd rather be alone. He'd rather sit isolated in a dimly lit room where the darkness can't touch anyone but himself.

His bed creaked under his weight as he shifted in place, the only movement he has made in several minutes.

He was trying to be still and let his mind focus on nothing but his breathing. He was especially trying not to think of your argument.

He counted out his inhales and exhales, just as he had learned years ago in divination class.

James took divination for one year only. It wasn't for him, but one thing from that class did stick with him— the lesson on mindfulness. Something about mediation and a clear head opening your mind to frequencies you may not normally be able to comprehend.

James wasn't sure about all that, but he quite liked the calmness of the exercise they did in class that day, even if he felt a bit silly doing it.

He finds himself repeating the meditation from that class when he's down. He much prefers a clear head to one with racing thoughts that give him that choked up feeling in his throat.

He was broken out of his feeble attempt at a meditative state when there was a knock at his door.

Hope swelled in his stomach. Maybe you've come to talk. Maybe he could smooth things over with you. And then he could stop feeling like this.

He tried not to look disappointed when Sirius walked through the door.

Sirius gave James a once over as the door clicked shut behind him, "What's wrong with you?"

"Me?" James forced a chuckle, "Nothing's wrong with me."

"You're sitting at the foot of your bed, starin' at the floor, shoulders slumped," Sirius' hand swept towards James' hunched form, "I know what upset looks like, Prongs."

"I'm not upset," James insisted still, "I'm just thinking. Is being lost in thought a crime these days?"

Sirius shrugged, plopping down on the bed next to James. His legs hung over the edge as he let his back hit the sheets, his arms sprawled at his sides.

James listened as Sirius puffed out a long, exhausted breath.

"You alright?" James asked, not bothering to look back, letting his sad eyes remain fixed on the floor.

"Ah, I see. Worried about me, are you?" Sirius guessed.

James seized the opportunity to excuse his demeanor. Besides, he wanted to talk about what Sirius had said earlier anyway.

"You did have a pretty nasty spat with your sister. And then you nearly collapsed."

There's a lull in the conversation for a moment as Sirius thinks.

"Your parents fixed me right up again. Gave me some nasty potion to help with the dizziness. Tasted like sewage but 'm good as new. They're off now, by the way, picking up some herbs they want to steep and feed me for these spasms I keep having in my hands."

James winced. Spasms, a potential side effect of being under the Cruciatus Curse.

"Sirius... about what you said happened. Your mother–"

"I don't want to talk about that," Sirius spoke quietly, somberly.

After a moment, Sirius added, "I don't want to think about any of them ever again."

James felt a pang in his heart, knowing Regulus was included in 'them'. You wouldn't have stood for it if you'd heard Sirius say that.

James' mind wanders back to your earlier argument, his earlier attempts to avoid these thoughts futile now. You were so adamant that you needed to go back for Regulus, ready to dive into some sort of escape plan, and that still scared the hell out of James.

He considered telling Sirius about what you wanted to do. One on hand, he knew Sirius would be on board with keeping you the hell away from there— keeping you safe. On the other hand, it felt like tattling on you to your brother.

James thought about the betrayal written across your face earlier. How hurt you were when you suspected James was choosing to believe Sirius over you. Confiding in Sirius now would surely, surely make it worse. And James didn't want to hurt you.

And yet—

"Thing is... I have to talk to you about something. About your sister... and about Regulus."

A flinch finally broke you out of your statue-like state when a sudden and distinct fluttering sounded above you. You expected to see any mundane bird when you looked up, but there was nothing there. You leaned around the tree to try to locate the source.

Instead of any random creature of flight, it was a familiar owl. And he was not in the tree, rather next to it, in a designated perch located on the other side of the thick trunk.

"Oh. Hello," you greeted the owl. He stared at you blankly, of course.

You've met this owl before. His name was Glory. You didn't know why, but James had named him, and you supposed that it was a name that James would have thought of.

You've received countless letters from James, all delivered by Glory. There were the long ones, which you mostly received during the times you were apart. Glory was good at discretely delivering them to your window. And if James also had mail for Sirius, he knew to deliver yours first.

James was always checking up on you over the holidays, making sure you were okay and telling you stories of his own time at home that would take your mind off of whatever horrible things were going on at Grimmauld Place.

When you were together, back at Hogwarts, James still sent you little notes whenever you weren't near. He knew how much you loved receiving notes from him, so he made it a habit. He would send notes about things he saw that reminded him of you, expressions of how much he missed you even if he'd seen you mere hours prior, declarations of love that he couldn't keep inside until the next time he'd be alone with you.

Oh, your sweet boy.

"I really messed up, didn't I?" You asked Glory. You chided yourself for continuing to try to talk to an owl. Not that owls weren’t smart. In fact, they were very intelligent, especially the magical sort. Glory could understand you, but it’s not like he had the ability to respond.

You imagined that Glory would tell you that you messed up big time if he did, though.

You pushed yourself up to your feet, wiping dirt and twigs off your pants when you rose. As you walked back towards the house, you wondered if your mother ever felt sorry like this, if she ever wanted to apologize sometimes. Surely, at some point she did. James' words come back to you about how we're all human, and you want to believe that maybe there was a memory lost in your mind of her apologizing to you.

You'd have been a wide-eyed little kid at the time, snot-nosed and teary-eyed after she yelled at you for spilling milk or leaving a toy in the middle of the floor. She'd wrap her arms around you and apologize for raising her voice. Then she'd shush and coo soothingly until your tears dried up and you could show her all of your baby teeth in a wide grin.

It was unnatural, the image of her in your mind like that, but your heart burned for it to be real. As sick as it was, you still yearned for your mother's love, even if it was a thing of the past.

Maybe your house really was a poison. Because if she had ever been gentle, one way or another, Walburga Black got colder and harsher over the years. She spiraled so deep into darkness that she seemed to want to be cruel. After all, to cast the Cruciatus Curse, you do have to really want it.

Each step you took was invigorated with a new sense of determination. Apologizing to James now, owning up to your mistake, it was only the first step of doing everything in your power to never be anything like that woman.

It felt like no time passed at all by the time you arrived outside of James' door. You didn't feel ready to face him, but you raised your fist anyway. Just when knuckles were about to meet wood, you heard a muffled voice from inside.

"What do you think?" James' voice asked softly. Then, after a beat of silence, "Did you hear me?"

"Yeah, James, I heard you," Sirius said. He had that far away kind of tone in his voice he gets when he's trying to distance himself from his emotions.

"And?"

"And I'm bloody tired of talking about him!" Sirius barked. Even from the safety of the other side of the door, you flinched.

"She doesn't get it. She'll never get it because it's him," your brother continued. "If she had known he wasn't coming she probably wouldn't be here either. If it's a choice, it'll be him over me in a heartbeat. He could've done the bloody spell on me himself and she'd still choose him. Merlin, she could've done the bloody spell if he asked her to."

If felt like the wind was knocked out of you. You bit your tongue until you drew blood, fighting the urge to cry out, as if Sirius' words physically wounded you.

Rationally, you knew that Sirius was just angry, that he didn't mean it. But the rational side of your brain hasn't been winning many battles today.

You vaguely heard James tell Sirius not to say things like that as you backed away from his door until you met the wall behind you with a thump.

There was silence from inside James' room for mere seconds before the door was ripped open. Sirius stood in the doorway, James behind him. You couldn't read your brother's expression, there barely was one. How typical of him to hide behind a blank stare.

You, however, were wide eyed with a hand clamped over your mouth, leaning against the wall behind you, sure you'd collapse without its support.

Sirius began to say your name and suddenly your hand was gone and the words were tumbling from your lips.

"How could you say that?" Your voice was strained, "I wouldn't ever do that– He wouldn't ever do that!"

Sirius' eyes bore into yours but he didn't say anything. You wished you could tell what he was thinking under that stupid mask of his.

"I shouldn't have to tell you over and over again that I love you both. You are both my brothers, you both mean the world to me. It's so irrational and– and foolish to worry about a choice that I'd never–"

You cut yourself off. The irony of being so hurt by Sirius' words were not lost on you. You had only just been accusing James of choosing Sirius over yourself.

"No, that's not true," Sirius bit back, "because that choice is upon you now. So, go ahead. Let's see if you can surprise me."

"What?"

"Choose me, stay here where it's safe. Choose Regulus, go right ahead and try to be his jailbreak. But when you can't convince him to leave, when he refuses, I won't be surprised when you choose to stay there too."

Your eyes flashed to James, who looks way too shameful for you to not put two and two together. You were conflicted; feelings of regret over accusing James of choosing Sirius over you were mixing with feelings of betrayal that James had ran right to Sirius with your words.

You'd let the guilt and betrayal sink in and shred you to pieces later. You had Sirius to deal with first.

"What is wrong with you?" you hissed. "How could you be so dim? Wanting our brother to be safe does not mean I'm choosing him over you."

"Color me unsurprised!" Sirius yelled, looking smug.

Your eyes began to burn, "Fuck you, Sirius!"

James tries to interrupt, "Er, hey, maybe we should–"

"Don't you dare tell me we need to take a step back from this conversation, James!"

James' mouth clamped shut.

"Don't yell at him!" Sirius squawks.

"You want to talk about choosing one person over another? Let's talk about it. Don't pretend you haven't given up on Regulus ever since you met his shiny new replacement!"

You'd feel real shitty about saying that in front of James later; the look on his face at your words was already burned into your memory.

"Don't turn this on me!" Sirius shouted.

"You're such a hypocrite. And an imbecile for thinking I care about you any less than Regulus. Of course I care about you both the same. And you may not believe it, but Regulus cares about you too!"

"That's–"

"I don't want to hear it," you interrupted, "I'm done. Say it James."

James looked like a deer in headlights, "What?"

"Say the thing!" you shouted.

"We need to take a step back from this conversation?"

Your arms flew up, gesturing towards James as you stared Sirius down with an exasperated look on your face. Your brother scoffed and stormed down the hall, disappearing to anywhere else in the Potters' home.

For a moment it was just you and James in the hall. Your eyes met and he looked anguished and far too apologetic. You knew that you were supposed to be the apologetic one, and you felt your heart begging you to let the sorrys loose.

It was too bad that the betrayal started settling in before the guilt.

"Sirius was right before. You are a snitch."

With that, you slipped back into your room and let the door slam shut behind you.

James remained in the hall for a moment longer, not knowing who to follow. He should follow one of you.

Instead, he decided to retreat back to his bedroom.

James wanted to be alone again.

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sassy-cass-16 · 6 months ago

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Oh god I promised myself no bell’s hells meta until c3 ends but my brain is turning the “can she be trusted?” line over and over like chicken at the shawarma shop. because there are layers to that.

more under the cut because i let this run away from me:

so first off, there's the obvious: dorian initially seems to start to address the whole group, everyone who's left in the inn room, but turns and just locks eyes with orym when he asks. orym, who of everyone has the most reason to be biased against laudna right now. orym, who just got into a fight with laudna over the sword that killed both of them and orym's husband and father-in-law. that's who dorian thinks to ask, because he trusts orym not to let his judgment be clouded.

dorian first saw orym again after months of being separated, like, three days ago, and despite how much orym has visibly changed in those months, dorian doesn't hesitate to believe that orym will still be objective. he trusts that orym will be the one to look at this situation and tell him the truth.

because dorian has experience with orym telling him the truth. dorian knows firsthand how willing orym is to shuck his personal feelings in favour of what's true. dorian just saw what he could have become, had orym not stepped in to stop him taking the circlet of barbed vision. he owes the fact that he's alive and beholden to no gods to orym's willingness to be rational and objective in a situation involving a powerful magical item. by his own admission, "i wouldn't be here without you."

so of course dorian trusts him right now.

and there's something to the exclusion of the others, with that. dorian doesn't look to fearne and orym, although that would make sense because he's known the two of them the longest. he doesn't look to chetney, who's proven to be able to get a handle on this with the scream needle compromise. he doesn't look to ashton, who's been extremely levelheaded through this whole mess. he looks at orym, exclusively. he is asking orym, exclusively. not the group, although everyone decides to jump in to answer and then imogen comes through the window to complicate the matter. just orym.

dorian is the kind of person with a lot of potential for darkness in him. he hides it well because he's also deeply kind and friendly, but it's always been there. he's just been through something massively traumatic, and that was after the original circlet conflict back in exu prime. he had his alignment forcibly changed from good to neutral. but even after all he's gone though, orym's alignment is still good.

as much as orym doesn't want to be a leader and prefers to be a protector and follower, he does very well in situations where he takes on an amount of responsibility. when he's in some level of control over a situation, he takes to it naturally. he's a very good babysitter to his gaggle of weirdos. the "can she be trusted?" might have been an attempt on dorian's part to give orym a bit more control here. to reassure him that regardless of anyone else's feelings—regardless of how laudna's reaction might have affected him—orym deserves to be trusted, and he can make a decision that dorian will trust.

back in exu and all the way into early c3, dorian and orym slotted into a sort of parental position in their groups. watching over the crownkeepers' clothes when they went skinny dipping in exu. orym repeatedly steering everybody away from bad ideas. matt even described dorian leaving dariax in zephrah in 4sd as "dad just going out to get cigarettes." there's always been that underlying sense of "we are two of a pair" with dorian and orym. not to say that either of them don't see the others as adults, but they do have that rapport of being the babysitters in the gaggle of weirdos.

that kind of bond is just part of their dynamic. but especially in light of what's been happening while they were separated, and then what happened between them earlier that evening, "can she be trusted?" is a reminder of that bond. orym's been lonely, by his own admission, and one of the secrets he divulged at nana morri's was "i really miss dorian." he broke down crying during his last message through the sending stone, and then again on the bench not a few hours before this whole incident went down.

dorian came to comfort him. he flat-out said to orym's face "i'm here now." he reminded orym that he needs to rely on other people, that he can't always be the one saving everybody else. he gave orym the room to not be the strong one, and told him he has that room because dorian's there to support him. they can be two of a pair again.

he knows orym's been feeling like he can't do anything, like he had to resort to what he stopped dorian from doing with the circlet. and so dorian both gives him a choice to make, something to do, and shows him that he still trusts him unconditionally. "can she be trusted?" also means "i trust you" and "i'm here with you" and "this is how we've always been."

we know from liam in 4sd that orym has feelings for dorian that he's not sure are reciprocated. but even regardless of the romantic element here, dorian and orym have always had a partnership. they have always been two of a pair. the sequence of events leading to "can she be trusted?" is a perfect microcosm of he relationship between the two of them. it's just incredible.

#critical role #cr spoilers #critical role spoilers #campaign 3 #dorian storm #orym of the air ashari #dorym #bells hells #cr meta

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smoooothoperator · 4 months ago

Text

What Was I Made For?

10: Clair de Lune

childhood enemies, forced proximity, accidental pregnancy, enemies to lovers

Warnings: flashbacks are in italics

a/n: Hiiiiiiii what do you think Dafne will do??

if you want to play a game and ask things about Dafne

Masterlist

previous part | next part

If you want to be tagged don't forget to message me!

Every way of feedback is very welcomed

The boy I met in Greece.

Was I too young to think he was my first love? Six years is enough?

If there’s something that sets me apart from my sister Erica, it’s my lack of social skills. I was the one hiding behind my parents during introductions, the one who avoided problems to stay safe. Because avoiding problems means you don't have to expose your heart or confront others, right?

During those weeks in Greece, he was my voice. He stood by me, talked for me, and defended me. He was the first person I wanted to see when I woke up and the last before I went to bed. He stayed with me while I read, ordered my ice cream, and made me feel like I could be myself.

Until it happened.

That day, he wasn’t the same. He was quieter, barely smiled. He skipped breakfast, ignored me, and slept in the car. At lunch, he barely ate, and on the beach, he stayed in the shade.

I should have seen it. I should have noticed he was sick. But instead of facing the problem, I ran away.

That’s what I always did. That’s why the boy I loved became someone I hated. I was blind and too scared to confront the issue.

He called me a coward. And why deny it? I am. I make mistakes. I run from situations I can't handle. I push people away when things get tough. That's what I did with Charles, with Sebastian, and when I found out I was pregnant.

I ran away.

But I can't do it anymore. I have to face life, solve my problems, and fix my mistakes.

Charles insisted on staying with me in the villa. He left only for a day to grab things he needed and then came back the next day. I had a whole day for myself and my cat.

“What do you think about him, hm?” I sighed, rubbing my cat Athena's head. “An asshole, right?”

She looked at me with her ears turned back, like she disagreed with what I said.

“Oh, let me guess. He gave you your favorite treat and now you adore him, huh?” I smiled, rubbing her head.

I sighed, placing my hand on my belly and looking up at the ceiling.

A chance. I gave him a chance. But how will this work? I don't think I'm ready to forgive him, even if he proves he’s changed. How can I trust him? He might be the father of this kid, but that doesn’t erase the fact that the moment we conceived this baby was the worst day of my life.

“Knock, knock.”

I sighed, smiling weakly when I heard my sisters’ voices coming in. They walked into the house with bags in their hands, smiling.

“How are you doing?” Soleil asked, sitting next to me.

“Are you asking for the baby or for the one that made it?” I smiled weakly.

“Both,” she sighed, looking at our older sister. “He cares for you, Dafne…”

“You told him to come. Why?” I sighed, looking at Erica, who sat next to me, holding my cat on her lap.

“Because it was necessary,” she said, rubbing Athena’s head. “You two have something in common, and it’s not only your careers. That kid needs to grow up with a father. And you can’t run away from your problems all the time.”

“I know-”

“You’re twenty-six, Dafne. It’s about time you two talk about the past and clear things up! For God’s sake, he searched for you everywhere!”

“I know!” I sighed, looking at her. “I know. We talked.”

“Oh,” both my sisters frowned.

“I gave him a chance,” I sighed. “I know I can’t do this alone. I know I need him. It’s just… how can I trust him again? How… He promised me he’s going to change. But what if he doesn’t? What if now he’s telling everyone that I’m pregnant and that I won’t come back?”

“Come on, he’s stupid, but not that much,” Soleil laughed softly. “He cares for you. If he didn’t before he found out you were pregnant, he won’t do it now.”

“Which is why we came here…” Erica sighed. “You… you have to say something to the world, Daf. Everyone is asking where you are. Fred hasn’t heard anything more about you. I’m sure he’s already closing a deal with another driver.”

“It’s for the best,” I sighed, rubbing my belly. “I don’t think I’ll be able to come back after this.”

“And then what are you going to do? Retire?” she sighed.

“I…” I swallowed thickly, feeling a knot in my throat and tears welling up. “I guess…”

“Come here,” Erica sighed, opening her arms and letting me lean on her. “Everything will be okay, yeah? We will be here for you. Mom and dad will be here for you. Charles… Charles will be here for you.”

“How did we end up like this… How? Why?” I mumbled, letting the tears flow silently down my cheeks.

“Maybe because you two are meant to be, hm?” Soleil sighed, leaning on me and hugging me too. “Maybe because your story didn’t end that day in Greece. Maybe you two were meant to be, and now a little version of you two is giving you a chance to be together again.”

We stayed in silence for a few seconds before laughing weakly again.

“That was so poetic,” Erica chuckled.

“I was inspired,” she joked, making us chuckle lightly again.

I smiled weakly and sighed, holding their hands and squeezing them tightly. If I retire, what will happen to them? They worked with me, they were my team, my biggest support…

“You two should find another driver to work with,” I whispered.

“What? No!” Soleil frowned. “I was your trainer. I can’t be with someone else.”

“Listen to me, okay?” I smiled weakly. “I’m sure you will find a new driver. Go try F1 Academy; the girls would love to have an experienced trainer. Please?”

They looked at each other and sighed, hugging me tightly. I have to accept my fate, that I can’t go back to karting because I have a kid to take care of.

“Maybe you’re right,” I sighed. “Maybe our story didn’t end in Greece. It was only on hiatus.”

I sighed, placing my hand on my belly and rubbing it softly. I should tell the world that I’m going to retire, and if I tell the truth, it would be best for me and my baby. But I have to talk with Charles about it because it’s something that concerns both of us.

“Do you think he feels the same?” I sighed.

“He wouldn’t have come if he didn’t,” Soleil whispered.

“He does care,” Erica said, brushing my hair. “But it’s something you two have to talk about. Only the two of you know how you feel, what you want.”

“I just want to stop feeling that pain every time I look at him,” I sighed. “I want to stop the stabs I feel in my chest every time he looks at me and talks about me. I just want to go back in time to Greece and live in a loop there.”

“Then fix things,” Erica said, encouraging me. “Fix things, tell him what you’re telling us now.”

“It’s not that easy, Eri,” I sighed. “I don’t trust him. I can’t even let him touch my belly. I feel so… I don’t know, betrayed.”

“It will take time,” Soleil sighed. “But hey, you have five months until the baby comes. You have enough time to fix everything.”

“He will go to the races,” I sighed. “He can’t be here all the time.”

They sighed and nodded, hugging me tighter, staying with me for the rest of the day, keeping me company.

After my sisters left after dinner, the house was silent again. It reminded me of the day I came home after that race, of how vulnerable I felt.

It was so cold. No matter how many layers of clothes I was wearing, I was still shaking.

“Dad said that the wood is outside,” Erica said, walking back inside the house with the last suitcase. “You know how it works, right?”

“Yeah,” I sighed, looking at the fireplace, clenching my jaw.

“We can stay if you ask us, you know?” Soleil sighed, sitting next to me on the couch. “You don't have to do this alone.”

“I need it,” I whispered. “I need to be alone, just for a while… I need to think.”

“We will come here once a week, okay?” Erica said, sitting on my other side and holding my hand. “To bring you things, hm? Just… don’t push us away.”

“What did Mom and Dad say?” I whispered.

“Well… they will support you, Daf,” Soleil said. “It was a shock at first… but… who is the father?”

I swallowed thickly, looking away. The father? Someone I hate, someone who only brings me trouble. Someone who only knows how to hurt me.

“Not who I wished,” I mumbled.

“Who?” Erica frowned but immediately understood, I think. “Oh…”

“Exactly,” I sighed. “Oh.”

They stayed silent, hugging me tightly, comforting me without saying anything until it was time for them to leave.

I watched the car drive away, wrapping a blanket around my shoulders. It’s so cold outside; December is cold in this house.

“What am I going to do now?” I mumbled, placing my hand on my stomach, swallowing thickly when I felt the bump.

How could I have never noticed? I’m three months pregnant. How? I missed three periods. Was it because I focused too much on my season? And I never had morning sickness… at least not always, and I didn’t think it was because I was pregnant.

I sneezed softly and immediately walked inside the house, shivering. I grabbed some wood and placed it in the fireplace, lighting it and moving the wood until it burned.

I looked at the fire, taking deep breaths and closing my eyes when I felt the warmth kissing my cheeks. I followed the flames with my eyes, watching their hypnotic dance and feeling my mind relax immediately.

That’s what I need. Peace, loneliness. No one to disturb me. Just me, my cat, my piano, and my baby.

I shook my head, taking a deep breath and standing up from the couch, brushing away the memories that were coming back.

The piano was there, against the wall with the cover down. It’s been a while since I played it. I always did it with my dad when we came here in the summer, when I was a kid.

But now it felt like it was calling me, asking me to play it, to fill the silence of the house.

Slowly, I made my way to the piano, my heart beating a little faster with each step. I paused in front of it, hesitating. Taking a deep breath, I lifted the cover, revealing the old white and black keys. Even if they were dirty, they seemed to glow with a gentle invitation.

I sat down on the bench, my hands trembling slightly because of the cold as they hovered over the keys. My mind drifted back to the countless times I played here, watching and listening intently as my father played, how he smiled and closed his eyes every time he gave us a little concert.

Without thinking, my fingers found their places on the keys, and I began to play. The opening notes filled the room, soft and delicate, like a whisper. My hands moved with a mixture of uncertainty and muscle memory, but always touched the keys with security.

As the melody unfolded, I closed my eyes, letting the music guide me. The familiar patterns and rhythms started to flow more naturally, my fingers dancing over the keys with increasing confidence. The room around me disappeared, and my mind only focused on the music I was making, not hearing the front door opening or the meowing of my cat.

The final notes lingered in the air, a delicate echo of what once was. I sat there for a moment, letting the silence envelop me, my fingers still resting on the keys. A tear escaped and rolled down my cheek, but I didn’t wipe it away. Instead, I smiled softly, feeling a sense of peace I hadn’t felt in a while.

“Clair de Lune.”

I gasped, flinching when I heard his voice. I heard him walk towards me, leaning on the wall next to the piano. He was smiling, looking at me and my hands.

“I didn’t know you played the piano,” he said, surprised.

“I told you, there are things about me you don’t know,” I sighed, looking away.

But then I flinched again, feeling a sharp pain in my stomach, making me stay silent and place my hand on my belly.

“What? What happened?” Charles frowned, moving fast and kneeling next to me. “Dafne.”

“The baby…” I mumbled.

“What? What happened?” he asked, panic filling his voice.

Without thinking about it, I grabbed his hand and placed it on my belly, ignoring the alarms in my brain.

Then again.

“Is that…” Charles mumbled, shocked too.

“A kick,” I whispered, looking into his eyes, feeling his warm hand on my belly. “It… it’s the first time the baby kicks.”

“Oh God,” he whispered, and I could feel the adoration in his voice. “God, Dafne… play again. Please, play the piano.”

I looked at him, smiling slowly and turning again to face the piano, playing another song, with his hand still on my belly, rubbing his thumb softly, and soft butterfly kicks in my womb.

taglist

@racinggirl @elisysd @alltoomaples @ssprayberrythings @rach3164 @yvonne-dump @deliciousfestsalad @janeh22 @hc-dutch @ninifee1802 @kakorrhaphiphobia @ssararuffoni @itsjustkhaos @scaramou @tapedeck-hearts @apollosfavkiddo @sltwins @glitterquadricorn @ladystardust05 @theseerbetweenus @vizzzashley @auawdo @leah-also-known-as-creatoronwp @leptitlu @green-thots @caterinemirandax_

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razorblade180 · 18 days ago

Text

Inspiration

Ruby:Yo-yo?

Carmine:Hmm?

Ruby:Ren told me you paid a visit to him for some training. Said you did pretty good.

Carmine:Not really. Stances were okay but aura manipulation is weird. Probably won’t rely on it too much.

Ruby:Seems like you’re drawing inspiration from everyone you can. If that the case, I have something for you.

The reapers reveals a long weapon’s case. She puts in the ground in front of her daughter and taps it with her foot, causing it to open up. Two curved blades lay brightly inside. Their detail is so intricate in the engravings and design. It’s obvious they’re meant to combine. Carmine picks them up to find they have little heft to them but are drastically lighter than her own sword. She might as well be holding nothing.

Carmine:Wow, these are crazy looking. Not necessarily my style but I can see how they could be useful.

Ruby:They’re what Cinder uses.

Carmine:…….What? How did y-

Ruby:These are replicas I made and trust me when I say they’re identical. If you put them together then it can fire arrows.

Carmine:Why would you ever make these?

Ruby:Because, my little huntress, I can be as petty and spiteful as anyone else when pushed far enough. Use these on patrol and missions for the next month; study them well. Utility, movement, reach, all that you can.

Carmine:“Know thy enemy” right? I have to admit, I wasn’t expecting this from you considering our differing views on how to handle the situation.

Ruby:I made a vow to you the day you were born that I will be a mom before a huntress when it came to making sure my family was safe. I still plan on finding and taking out Cinder myself, but if for some reason you find her first or she finds you, then by all means, give her every layer of hell you can.

Carmine:I don’t suppose you’ve made me a parasol blade too?

Ruby:If only that’s all it took to learn Neo’s moves. I mean this, just avoid her. She’s at least a three person job and two of them need to hate her.

Carmine:Heh, okay then. Mind if we go a few rounds then?

Ruby:…It’s better if you ask Ren?

Carmine:C’mon. I know you don’t like training me but-

Ruby:No, it not that. I just…I might go too hard if you’re using those.

Carmine:So? Honestly you’d be doing me a favor. Everyone always talks about how intense you can get, all the stories of your passion and hardcore moments. I don’t get to see that. I actually feel weird for never seeing you angry. I get angry all the time!

Ruby:Sweetie, what kind of a parent would I be if I took out repressed rage on my child in a sparring match?

Carmine:…Better than Raven. Better than your mom too.

Ruby:!? Wha-

Carmine:I think you’re pretty cool, despite everything that’s happened. We always try to our feelings out but honestly it never really works well. I get you’re trying to be an example, but it’s okay if normal being a mom doesn’t come as naturally as a huntress. Mix both. I don’t care. I kinda need both. I mean if I can survive you then Cinder would be easier by comparison. Plus…it’s not like I could stop myself from swinging at you seriously either.

Ruby:Did you..are you saying I piss you off?

Carmine:You’re my mom. Every daughter gets pissed at their mom.

Ruby:That’s not…inaccurate. Sigh Are we really doing this?

Carmine:Are my eyes silver? *points blade out* Well, Mrs. Hero? Show me why Cinder is too chicken face you head on!

Ruby:Fine, but name a restaurant first. You may think I prefer being huntsman 24/7 but I’d like to have some regular quality time with my daughter after this.

Carmine:Hmmm, how about your home cooking?

Ruby:…*smiles* Deal.

#rwby #rwby au #ruby rose #carmine arc rose #rwbabies #rwby rosebud

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youtellmeman · 10 months ago

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Random sully family headcanons

Including- lo’ak, neteyam, Jake, neytiri, and kiri

Jake

Definitely dropped all of his kids at least once. Like it’s actually so bad neytiri didn’t let him hold tuk for a minute just cause she wanted to give her a fighting chance and he still managed drop her

“Babe cmon she’s my kid too I just wanna hold her for a bit I promise I won’t-” “No you are a skxawng. You will not drop this one before she’s had a chance to learn to walk.” “But-” “No.”

Despite dropping his children he still manages to be all of their favorites at one point or another. For the boys it was when they turned 7 to age 10 cause he was so willing to throw them around and lift them by their ankles.

This does end up in them all getting in trouble sometimes when they play too rough and one of them gets hurt . “shhh stop don’t cry your fine you don’t need your mom”- him and whichever son isn’t hurt.

For the girls it’s when their toddlers. Jake was definitely always a patient in Kiri’s make believe clinic cause ik that girl was playing doctor

And dear dear tuk gets him where it hurts most. “Daddy let me do your makeup” really it’s just face paint but he will end up looking like a clown. And don’t let tuk catch him trynna wash his face. It’ll be clash of clans up in there.

“Tuk I have to go out I have duties.” “Leave it on” “babygirl daddy can’t-” tears start to well as soon as he tries to fight back. Def attends a meeting or two with his face covered in a blend of colors

Ok ok now not family Jake

Can’t handle spice for shit I’m sorry someone had to say it look at that man he may be blue but he was white first that mf can’t take it

Let neytiri or even you make him something with a lil kick. Keeps clearing his throat and wiping the dribble from his nose like y’all can’t tell he’s literally dying.

Along with the whole food thing I think he definitely knows how to cook. I’m not saying he’s stellar but bro can wip something up when needed

Definitely forgets how big he is sometimes like he spent so much of his life being normal height and part of it being bellow that he will just smack right into thing or get stuck cause he swore he could fit. He cannot

I also feel like he gets still gets phantom pain in his legs like from being paralyzed before moving over to his avatar completely. Like it’s such a big mental hurdle that I doubt it goes away

Last but not least. And this is my personal favorite. Definitely goads his children into shit.

“Well if you’re too scared” “pussy” “I knew you wouldn’t”

Doesn’t work on kiri cause she just walks away from him

The other three tho, fucking horrible will immediately loose all prior hesitation and just go balls to the wall with whatever it is.

Neytiri

My wife 🙏

Okk mom neytiri up first

Fucking soccer mom bro doesn’t give a damn will fight for all of her kids even if they’re wrong

Corrects them in private but in public, will square up don’t play

Also feel like I’m the beginning she was definitely the stricter parent but as things changed she softened up where Jake took over being more rah rah

Will stand by Jake on most things but sometimes he goes too far and trust me he hears about it

Despite Jake having the boys favoritism in the adolescents. Before and after they are big mommas boys.

As toddlers yo they are up her ass constantly to the point where she has to ask her mom if this is normal.

“Sa’nok my sons they stick to me like sap from a tree it cannot be normal.” “They are children it is what they do.” “Mother I cannot relieve myself without one them following.”

When they get over it though. Heartbroken truly distraught. The first time one of the boys decided they’d rather hang out with their father she was betrayed and Jake of course didn’t help.

As teens they’re not as clingy as they once were but they definitely come to her for comfort or just affection. Whether it be random hugs from her or just cheek/forehead kissed from their mother they’re all about it

The girls and her are different I feel like. They’re definitely close especially tuk with how small she is. Her and kiri though I feel as though they connect more through their spirituality

And she def teaches kiri how to bead and sow and make clothing. I think they have little daughter dates where they’ll make an afternoon of just making beads and song cords. Chatting or sitting in a comfortable silence

Moving on cause my girl isn’t just a mom

To rival Jake. Spice monster bros. Tears it up without a second thought. She doesn’t even blink

I feel like it definitely becomes a big thing for a minute like norm grows a Carolina reaper just to see how na’vi taste buds react to what we consider to be real hot and she eats that shit like it’s a cherry

“Ok so this is a Carolina reaper it’s really hot so I’d suggest just taking a small-” *throws that shit back like a shot* “I-” “tiri spit it out.” “Why ma Jake, it tastes good. Could I have another?”

And I feel like it’s just her like the other na’vi def feel the heat on it. She goes around offering her new favorite snack to everyone and leaves a trail of pain in her wake. Offers one to Mo’at, simply gets a shake of the head paired with

“I will not be taken by Eywa today”

Way better cook compared to Jake. Kids will shoot her a painstaking glance as a plea for help if they see him cooking something they know he has no buisness making and she’ll take it upon herself to slip in some spices and correct some of his mistakes when he’s not looking. Saving her husbands dignity and her children’s pallets.

Tears up the dance floor don’t play with her. Feel like Jake introduces the concept of dance battles as a joke and it becomes a thing within the clan but everyone knows not to challenge neytiri cause she with whip ur ass McJagar style

Snorts when she laughs. Real loud too Jake thinks that shit is hilarious until he honks like a seagull one day and they agree to go cut out the laugh jokes for the sake of their marriage

Neteyam

Best big brother every don’t play with it

Takes after his mother in the sense that he is more than willing to kick ass for his siblings

Someone made fun of kiri for not being a “real” part of the family once and they had to call Jake to restrain him (def let him get in a few good ones before pulling him off)

The kind of older brother that steals his baby sister when his mom isn’t looking

Gets to the point that if neytiri or Jake can’t find tuk they’ll just assume she’s with neteyam cause he’ll just snatch her up and she LOVES it

Despite being less of a trouble maker then lo’ak he still definitely does shit he shouldn’t the only difference is he’s better at being sneaky

I think he’s more cautious around humans compared to his brother but he’s definitely really curious too

Ends up getting introduced to some of our music from earth.

Bro is SZA’s number one fan a thousand years later

“I might kill my ex, not the best idea~” singing to himself quietly unaware of his brother and spider giggling in the bushes. “Bravo! Give us more! More I say!” “Oh shove off lo’ak!”

He def got that rnb voice though boutta guve ninat a run for her money

Takes after his mother on the whole spicy food thing. Loves Carolina reapers too, he thinks it’s so funny to eat them and then breath real hard in his brothers direction just to watch his eyes tear up

Despite being able to sing can’t dance for shit, two left feet when it comes to rhythm lord help him truly

Really good at hunting, takes after his mother once again

The only person good enough at stalking that can sneak up on neytiri without her having to pretend she doesn’t hear him coming.

Weapon of choice is a bow although I feel like he has really good aim no matter what, throwing knives, slingshot, even a gun when his dad teaches him. Just a natural

Will say though someone give this boy a hug cause the amount of pressure he is under being the eldest son holy cow bro

Feel like this leads to neteyam having anxiety attacks just at the thought of having to take over the mantle one day.

Always goes to kiri when he has them she’s the only person who can calm him down

Lo’ak

Despite loving his family I think he can feel really isolated from them at times

I think him and kiri bond sometimes just over feeling like the odd ones out.

He compares him self to his dad and older brother so much like it’s just sad plus he’s always in trouble so it doesn’t help much

Even though him and his dad have their problems he strives so hard to make him proud

If he had to pick a favorite sibling it would be tuk, because despite neteyam being all over her and her being a snitch from time to time. Tuk just adores lo’ak

“Tuk you can’t come with me, it’s for big kids only” “I’m big!” “Cmon tuk it’s fine you can hang out with me.” “No! I want ‘ak I don’t wanna go with tem” “….damn bro how’d that feel” “ouch”

It’s almost tragic Fr, but he almost always folds when it comes to her. The only time he says no and stands on it so when he thinks she’ll get hurt or won’t be able to keep up.

Him and kiri besides being sad together also hang out pretty often

I think, like kiri and neytiri , she and him make beads together tho it’s more kiri doing it and him trying and failing

They having matching necklace pendants. He wears his in his hair as a charm cause he feels like that’s where it’s closest to him

While he does hold resentment towards neteyam I don’t think it’s enough to mess up their relationship. They were kids together and I think that means more

So that being said. Huge pranksters but only on their father.

The about of times Jake has had water fall on him out of no where is almost sad. They place decoys so he thinks he outsmarted them and then bam, face full of colored powder.

“Hah, those suckers. What do they think, that I’m stupid or so-” *leaf hits him in the face dousing him with bright orange pigment. Followed by the snorts and chuckles of his sons* “I’m gonna kill those damn kids”

Takes after his daddy, cannot handle spice. Minutely better then Jake but like not really

Neytiri makes this na’vi version of chilli and she has to make a tamer version for him and Jake. Even tuk can take spice better than them

Also really interested in human culture and ends up with his own little music taste

Feel like he’s big on 90’s rnb and hip hop. Destiny’s child, dr.dre, Tupac without question

Definitely spits hard ass bars for fun sometimes.

*Spider beat boxing shitily in the background while lo’ak is laying the ground work for some life changing shit. Mean while Jake is watching from afar with their mother* “that’s my son”

Will dance and he will eat y’all up with that shit. Norm lets him watch just dance videos sometimes when he comes over. Changes the course of his life

Will get jiggy with it everywhere and anywhere. Would kick everyone’s ass in dance dance revolution if they had it

Hunting, he’s alright

Bros nothing super special cause he’s clumsy as fuck and loud therefore everyone and their mother knows he’s coming but he’s not that bad in combat

Sometimes

Feral fighter, will bite and scratch, real dangerous with a knife. I’d definitely say he’s more of a close contact fighter over distance

Kiri

(We need more kiri love out here man)

Jake’s princess I’m sorry

She has that man wrapped around her finger and she KNOWS it

Will literally get in trouble with neytiri over it sometimes

“Dad can I go out foraging?” “No I want you to watch over tuk today.” “Please dad? Can’t lo’ak do it?” Qeue the sad baby eyes “of course baby girl you’re right.” “Tsk ma Jake so foolish”

Loves all her siblings so much tho and if she ever feels left out she knows she can go to them they’ll comfort her and make her feel like one of them again

Def starts shit with lo’ak for no reason, she just thinks it’s funny to make him mad

Will ease off sometimes when she knows their father went off on him recently though

That’s when him and her make neteyam’s life difficult poor boy.

Is neither here nor there on the spice scale. Better than Jake and lo’ak for sure but no where near her older brother and neytiris tolerance. Besides I don’t think she really cares for it anyway

Loves to cook, very bad at it

Truly comical how many times neytiri and even mo’at have tried to teach her. Like she’s given the family food poisoning multiple times

Makes Jake try everything cause she knows he won’t say no

Subject to tuk’s makeup makeover also but is usually a good sport

Music cause I have to now

She’s an indie girl don’t play

Pheobe bridgers, Liana Flores, salvia path

Girl in red (😋🤭)

Cannot sing but is an okay dancer

At least by na’vi standards cause I’m convinced she cannot figure out human dance moves for the life of her

Lover not a fighter

And I mean that literally that girl ain’t throwing or catching hands anytime soon

She’ll bite a bitch quick and in a hurry tho if she really must

Fr Fr tho she’s a healer we know this miss girl is one of the best there is in the class

Taking after her mother and her mothers mother ofc

I do think however that she likes fishing. Not using a bow, stick and string waiting patiently fishing. Always returns her catches to the wild after praying to eywa in apology for stressing out one of her creatures

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thesummerstorms · 4 months ago

Text

I can acknowledge that the text SAYS that Annabeth Chase worked out her problems with her dad, that her stepmom seemed "nice", and that her "resentment" is described as seemingly unimportant in Blood of Olympus. I can acknowledge the text SAYS that Annabeth's family problems are resolved.

However. That does not mean that I actually buy it. If RR wanted me to accept that outcome, he should have done the actual work of proving it.

Yes we have the scene with the plane and Mrs. Chase telling Percy that Annabeth has a home.

But those two scenes in TTC don't actually work as a source of a resolution to that plot thread because they don't address the root of the problem- Annabeth being hurt by Frederick's neglect and her step-mother 's blame/callousness.

Even if they ARE trying to do better now (which to honest, feels like a cop out to me, almost as if RR just decided he no longer wanted to write that thread and cut it off quickly) the problem lies in what already happened in the past and how badly Annabeth was hurt by it.

She could have died so, so easily, and even if you want to argue perfect intent for the Chase adults (which I don't) she was emotionally fucked up by what happened for years. This has already happened.

But there's not even a hint of an apology or actual reflection on what caused those events and how things need to be moving forward. It's just assumed that TTC automatically fixes everything.

And yes, I actively have a post going around about how an author has to pick and choose their narratives and what they want to focus on for what characters.

But I would argue that RR already chose to make that plot line an important part of the plot- given how it drives Annabeth's motivations and actionals on an emotional level for pretty much all of TTC- it's just that he handled it badly.

If it was going to be addressed, especially if it was going to be "fixed", then we needed more to convince us that Annabeth had reason to trust her parents again. And again, for me one plane scene that doesn't go into what Annabeth has already experienced doesn't work for me personally.

Especially when you look at things like how Annabeth was still living in boarding schools full time, her description of the night she ran away in HOH, her persistent fear of abandonment.

And before anyone brings it up, I do actually have some sympathy for Frederick Chase. I personally am deeply adverse to the idea of having children of my own, so putting myself in his shoes of having been given a whole infant I never wanted and didn't know was a possibility, freaks me out a little too!

BUT. That doesn't change the fact that he had a responsibility as an adult-

to either choose to raise Annabeth fully as his child and accept the responsibility that entailed

to find someone who could take care of her the way she deserved if he was not emotionally or mentally able to fulfill those needs.

I'm not saying any of it would be easy, but he did in fact have a basic obligation to make sure Annabeth was receiving care from SOMEONE. That's basic decency as an adult with some form of power over a child even if he DIDN'T want to be her father.

But his refusal to actually commit to either path just did MORE damage in the long run.

And he's free to try and make amends, I guess. People can change.

But I just don't feel there's enough to show that he really has long term, much less to give ANNABETH reason to believe he has.

#annabeth chase #frederick chase #pjo #percy jackson

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theshiftingwitch · 10 days ago

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Hi!

I have horrible OCD and I can’t get my mind to understand the way I need to differentiate between my desired reality and my thoughts.

I’ve been struggling with it for months because of coaches and people always saying our thoughts are what create our reality. Since I’ve come to understand that the 4D and our imagination creates our reality, and reality is an echo of our thoughts, it’s really fucked up my entire faith and I can’t trust my own words and desires anymore.

I can only bring myself to manifest smaller things like money, or clearer skin and longer hair etc because of fears. My mind has convinced me I have illness and that Ill never get to reality shift because of my OCD, and what’s so scary is that it feels so real.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know how to release this energy of constantly being convinced there’s illness in me or my own parent, I have no idea what I can visualize to make things better because my mind just shows me images of me and my parent sick all day. I don’t know what mindset I can have apart from the fact that reality is an echo of our thoughts.

Do I continue to affirm that my desired thoughts obliterates and destroys my fears of illness even thought I constantly get scary images that feel so real? I don’t have anyone who understands my problems at such a spiritual level and I’ve tried so hard to find meditations exactly for this but none of them fit to my standards.

I’m so tired and I’m almost completely giving up due to how real my OCD feels. It’s always surrounding illness in the stomach area which has created this horrible stuck energy that almost fuels my OCD. When Im most terrified what can I do?

What do I do?

Sorry for the long message! 🫶🏻🥺

Hello!

Surprisingly, this is not the first ask I get about manifesting/shifting while struggling with OCD (I'll leave the links down for you)

First, I have to say this because I can't, in good conscience, give you my advice without letting you know : I am not a professional. Manifestation and loa and shifting are not a replacement for professional help, so if you can, please speak to someone who knows what they're doing when it comes to complex mental health.

You said you can only bring yourself to manifest small things, then you listed things people have been struggling with for months! There are no small or big manifestations, everything is of equal value when it comes to loa, so already you've proven to be a powerful manifestor.

And yet, as powerful as you are, you haven't been able to manifest this illness that plagues your mind. You're not sick, your family is not sick, you're all doing just fine. So why is it that this particular thought didn't manifest when we always say that our thoughts create our realities?

The mind is a complex thing, and your subconscious is a sponge that absorbs whatever you tell it without debate or questions. However, manifesting is not simply thinking a thought and letting it come into your reality. Manifestation requires clear DESIRE. It needs a strong intention and a burning desire for that which you WANT to manifest. If you're thinking a thought and it feels so real and yet the whole time your mind is going " I don't want this! I don't want this outcome! Please don't bring this into my 3d reality, this feels awful, I don't like this! Make it stop" you're signalling to your subconscious mind that this is not a desire, so it gets handled as such.

Intrusive thoughts are just that, a thought that doesn't belong and is intruding on your normal line of thinking. You can't manifest that which you do not desire. Your mind is smarter than that, the universe is smarter than that!

Check out these posts if you have more questions about this, and happy manifesting ❤️

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scooburst · 23 days ago

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So here’s everything you need to know about the current situation.

My whole phone is on lockdown. I’ve been told when it finally comes back, I’ll have to delete tumblr and discord. Hopefully I can use the website and get around it. My parents are looking at blocking it on my computer as well. I don’t think they can, but thier also monitoring it so I’ll have to be very careful. I have five minutes after 7:00 AM EST to be here before it’s over. Throughout the day, I will be on for one minute twice (two one minute sessions) just to check in. From there I might be able to answer one or two asks and quickly peak at my notifications. I’ll say in the mornings a few things; what happened yesterday, updates on the situation, and if I’m okay. That will be all I’ll be able to post. Sometimes if I have it at night, I’ll come on just to say goodnight or answer a few more asks. But again, it’s only a minute. I’m trying my best to stay calm for this but it’s not going great.

What exactly happened is a bit more complicated. I’ll recount it for you all just so it’s understandable. My parents at some point looked over my computer, which was logged into tumblr and discord, and decided I was talking to complete strangers and being dangerous. Yes I was talking to people online but I was being safe, and I don’t think they’d listen to that. But that isn’t exactly stopping me from talking to those “strangers”. I don’t think my parents really even see you people as humans that are good people. But. You know. I can’t fix that. So now my phone is locked down. I can only text them and one of my friends. I can use the bare essentials. All I know is at some point it’ll be unlocked, and I’ll have to delete these sites. I’ll try to plan for that best I can. But that’s essentially what’s going on.

As for the discord if anyone’s on that. The management of it is being handled by people I trust most there. Use it however you like, and to those two: Do whatever you want with it, but keep it free and open to anyone. All I want is for you all to continue making sure the people there are okay. I will pop in every day and say I’m alive, but really not much else. And yes I will read the messages, as much as I can.

Now that that’s over, onto the newly scheduled post.

Date of writing: 11/1/24

Am I okay: not really, but I’m alive and “healthy”

Things that happened: today, I have a hockey game, and we got evacuated early from school because of bomb threats. At home I kinda just walked around. I played a little bit of guitar, I’ve been listening to music and built legos. I’m doing some puzzles as well. I’m trying to take care of myself to hopefully get my parents to let me back here.

Log: today, I was taking the chance I had to look through my notifications. And I cried. At everything you all wrote to me. I’m going to miss you all so much. You all are such amazing people. I can’t say I didn’t think you’d all say that, but it still caught me off guard. Thanks. I’m glad you all are still going, as far as I know. Keep that going. Dying isn’t good for you! I also saw someone made a whole blog of days without me. That’s insane. I don’t know what to say to that. Hopefully, it doesn’t have to count to high. I’m gonna write your urls all down so I can visit you all when I can finally be back officially. I know this is all probably really confusing with me still responding to things, but it’s just a very complicated situation right now. It sucks tp not have things like this to vent and feel better, but I have started to keep a journal so I can place my thoughts somewhere and I’m going to eventually try to open up to one of my close irl friends to hopefully have someone to talk too. I’m probably never going to just move on from this, it’ll always be something I remember and maybe something that still hurts, but it’s still some of the best memories I’ve ever had even if I cry thinking about it. I’m doing my best here to distract myself, get back into reading, maybe slowly try to build my parents trust that I can handle my phone, even though I could already. But it’s fine. Ive found a lot of entertainment in the photos app recently. Maybe when I come back I’ll share it all with you. Sorry these posts are so long. I’m just trying to stay here as much as I can. But jsut know not to worry, becahse I’m still okay, and I’m alive. Apparently I’m going to be talked to about discord and tumblr. There is some hope I can stay, but we’ll see. Either way im a sneaky boi :)

The last thing I want to say is that whoever made that blog counting how long I’m gone, you are so appreciated. I appreciate all of you really. And all of you who’ve made a post tagging me about whatever experiences you’ve had with me or put it in my askbox, you’ve made me feel so much better about this just knowing I didn’t fuck it up with you. If you didn’t make anything like that, don’t feel obligated to. Just knowing you’re alive is the best thing for me right now. Stay safe, if not for yourself, for me, and if not for me, then for someone else. I’m doing the same for all of you.

ALSO! Ima probaly make a tag list for this so you can get this as soon as possible! I know this is almost becoming a newsletter but hey that works. So if you wanna be on it, just say so (preferably in a reply or reblog to this post, with nothing but that you want in, separate from any comments about the post itself. It helps!)

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andrbllts · 2 months ago

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When Life Falls Apart

Plays "Fix You" by Coldplay

Hi everyone. It's 10:04:00 PM 9/13/24. In the middle of doing adhoc tasks at work. Here in my unfurnished apartment in Pasay.

There’s a special kind of peace on a cold, quiet night tonight. The air is crisp, the sky is a deep blue, scattered with stars that twinkle like tiny diamonds. It’s so quiet that even the smallest sounds feels amplified, as if the world itself is listening. The stillness is comforting, a gentle reminder of the beauty in solitude and the magic that a quiet night can bring. And this made me decide to write something here tonight. About what? Struggles.

If you’re reading this, the title of this post somehow, got your attention. You might be going through one of those moments when it feels like everything is falling apart. Maybe you’ve just failed at something you were deeply passionate about, lost someone you loved, or find yourself struggling to trust anyone because so many people have let you down. Life can be brutally challenging, especially when your heart feels like it’s been shattered into a million pieces, and the pain seems like it will never end.

I know this feeling all too well. I come from a complicated family background. My mom is still technically married to her husband, but they haven’t been together in years. My dad, on the other hand, is in a relationship with his wife and already had three kids by the time I was born. It was a messy situation, to say the least. I grew up mostly alone, spoiled by the financial support my parents provided, but lacking the emotional stability of a traditional family.

So, at 16, when I met my 2nd girlfriend, I was determined to create the family I never had. I wanted to experience the warmth of a close-knit family, and I promised myself that I wouldn’t let my own family be broken like the one I grew up in. I swore I’d be a responsible husband and father. But life has a funny way of throwing curveballs when you least expect them. I was cheated on and led on five times before I finally decided to choose myself. It was soul-crushing, and at one point, I even contemplated ending my life.

I fell into a dark place, turning to vices, women, and alcohol, trying to numb the pain. I became someone I didn’t recognize—flirting for fun, pulling away the moment things got serious, too guarded to let anyone in. In my attempt to protect my heart, I forgot how to truly love. And when I did finally get into another relationship, I didn’t handle it well. I hurt people, became arrogant, and lost sight of who I was. My past mistakes haunted me, and it took years to recover from the self-inflicted wounds.

Eventually, I made a promise to myself: if I ever found myself in a relationship again, I would be the best version of myself. I would give that person the love and care they deserved, the understanding and passion I once had. And I did—I met someone, fell in love, and for a while, it felt like I was finally getting it right. But after two years, I got cheated on again. It was a painful reminder of why I guard my heart so fiercely. I love deeply, and when I get hurt, it takes me a long time to heal.

But this time, I refused to let heartbreak destroy me. I focused on healing and becoming a better version of myself. I met someone else, and although it didn’t work out, I’m okay. I’ve learned to find peace in the journey, even when the outcome isn’t what I hoped for. I’m still lucky. Life might not always go the way we plan, but I believe we have the power to decide how we respond, to pick ourselves up, and to keep moving forward, even when it feels impossible.

#SoundCloud

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casanovawrites · 1 year ago

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random sentence prompts ━ from various tv shows, part 5

i’m sorry i wasn’t here, not just tonight, but every day. i haven’t been here. i know that now.

i know that you just needed me to listen, to hear you.

maybe you should take a break. and… get help.

where did you find that kind of courage?

i thought if i just kept my head down and followed the rules, everything would be fine.

these people kill with false hope.

sometimes what's painful in the moment is what gets you where you need to go.

i enjoy being better at things than everyone else.

i haven’t felt at home in this world.

remember, i’m still betting on you.

okay, but what about me? i’m not ready.

i would give anything to not give a shit, but i do.

time to forgive yourself, kid. you got a future. you gotta see that now.

some nights are so damn dark. and then they still manage to get darker.

every time i try to make something right, i always hurt someone.

it’s like i was living for the first time. and once you feel that, you’ll do anything to keep feeling it.

i don’t want you guys to die for me.

i got my rep as the strong, silent type to think about.

we have to be brave in this life we have, simply to exist now.

they can’t hurt me. there’s no one left that i love.

fuck you, you really hurt my feelings.

all we have is what we carry on our backs.

do you trust me or not?

that’s the thing. if they don’t know it was a lie, they get to just live.

i wanted to be brave. i wanted to be more like you.

i’m not brave. i’m a shit person who does shit things because i don’t give a single shit about anything.

so you feel like you didn’t do enough then, now you have to do everything for everyone.

your head is shoved so far up the future’s ass, you’ve completely abandoned the now.

i haven't had a family in a long time, but i have one now.

i fucked it up because i’m fucked up.

you want me to be scared of you. but i’m not.

you shouldn’t come in here. it’s not safe. i’m not safe.

you’re like the most put together person i know.

you can be charming when you’re not angry or hungry.

i didn’t ask for you to rescue me. you did that, for you.

i’m normal. this is what normal looks like when you’ve had my fucking life.

i don't think it's something you get away with. you still have to live with what you've done.

i’m in this now, and i need to know everything. you owe me that.

how come you never choose me?

you had the guts to do something brave.

people go through all sorts of stuff, bad things, and they don’t tell anybody.

i worry myself, too.

i just know that i need to make my life count. it’s all i can do.

might’ve been shitty parents, but they’re still your parents.

when we get there, we’ll be different. we’ll be ready.

you missed me that much?

a lot of hope is dangerous.

i don’t wanna be who everybody thinks i am here.

it’s the things we love most that destroy us.

you're a good person even with all your bad qualities.

see? we’re good together.

you really think the world’s gonna end?

i’d like for the time i have left on this earth to mean something.

i don’t give a shit anymore. i just want to be a good person.

what if you just want something, and you want it so bad?

i guess we both got what we wanted.

you’re a fucking creep, i’m a fucking catch.

we walked into the darkest place there was, but we did it together.

you’re not bored. your heart’s broken.

i don’t pity you, like at all. i wish i was like you.

she took me straight into the fog of war.

you don’t know everything. and you can’t control me.

you can lie to everyone else, but you can’t lie to me.

you’re fucking badass.

i love you. can you handle me saying that?

i make a habit of expecting the worst so i won’t get hurt.

i know this is too little, too late, but i’d really like us to be friends.

i sure hope you catch me when i fall.

why focus on what’s wrong and not what’s right?

your lies, you can’t even keep track of them.

love is a kind of killing, and none of us get out alive.

maybe something good can come from something bad.

there’s something dangerous about the boredom of teenage girls.

remember half an hour ago when you wanted to murder me?

that’s all we are the whole time, shells with nothing inside.

please, can you just talk to me? anything you need, just say the word.

i keep blaming everyone, but it was me. it was my fault.

yeah, maybe fire and gasoline can hang out.

it is so easy to find yourself in dark places.

what’s right is that i feel something for you that i just don’t feel anywhere else with anyone else.

i’m going to have to take that risk.

you said it yourself, you don’t remember what happened. is it so hard for you to believe you might be innocent?

you know what the worst part is? i really thought i had good instincts.

you’re right, you don’t owe me shit, but i’m asking you anyway.

i could’ve been nicer. i could’ve been less of a monster.

we grew apart from each other. we’re two different people now.

you’re both sad and lonely. you’re a perfect match.

maybe we just needed to work through the bad to get to the good.

you were right. everything is cursed.

god, you are so gruesome.

you take me for everything i’m worth.

it’s okay if you’re scared.

are you trying to get me to forgive and forget?

#sentence prompts #*#ask meme #ask prompts #rp ask meme #rp sentence memes #rp starters #sentence starters #rp sentence starters #meme

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divinerapturesys · 1 year ago

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I didn’t expect my last AsPD post to blow up so here’s another infodump about it rooted in my own personal experiences

let’s get into fucking PARENTS

aka “primary caregivers”

I touched based on this a little bit on my last post which you can find here

“AsPD is a disorder that is caused primarily (according to current research) by trauma and abuse in childhood; most notably being emotional neglect and absent caregivers that cause a child to have emotional shutdowns and repression episodes in an attempt to self soothe. Primary caregivers who do not bond with their children are also a factor. Children learn how to behave from those around them. If a primary caregiver is emotionally distant and unavailable, children will learn that is normal behavior and that’s how people are. If a primary caregiver does not provide empathy and sympathy during moments of distress and fear, children will learn that aloofness and disregard of others feelings is normal behavior. If a primary caregiver does not keep a child safe, children will learn that they should not prioritize their own safety.”

So let’s break this down:

❌ “Primary caregivers who do not bond with their children are also a factor”

- bonding with an infant is incredibly important; this builds the first imprints of safety and security into a child; when a caregiver consistently and positively responds to an infants needs, this creates attachment and trust.

- Babies are inherently going to try to initiate a bond with their primary caregivers; crying, eye contact, cuddling, grabbing, all of these are ways an infant is trying to connect; these are natural cues asking for comfort and safety

- Not being given those causes children to start out with an unstable baseline; it has been proven repeatedly via research that children who are not held and comforted during the first stages of infancy are more likely to struggle with relationships and struggle with appropriately expressing emotions

🍓 Personal experience:

I did not bond with almost any of my primary caregivers (both bio and adoptive). To my knowledge, I was heavily abused, trafficked and starved the first 18 months of my life before CPS stepped in after I almost died. Being so neglected and left to self soothe, I learned from the start that no one cared for me and that I couldn’t depend on anyone but myself, ever, even in my most vulnerable moments, because when I was at my most vulnerable stage, I was not cared for or protected and was even taken advantage of by my primary caregivers.

❌ “If a primary caregiver is emotionally distant and unavailable, children will learn that is normal behavior and that’s how people are.”

- this is pretty explanatory I think but I’ll still go into it

- children are mimics and copycats; they learn how to act and think based on who they’re with the most

- Primary caregivers who are distant to their children unknowingly ingrain the concept that distance is safety, and that being unavailable is normal, and that it’s a way to be strong

- Children will begin to expect adults to not respond emotionally to them, and will similarly begin to limit their own emotional responses to match their caregivers in an attempt to connect and mirror

🍓 Personal experience:

My adoptive mom was very distant; I was homeschooled until I was 9, my dad worked full time and my mom was a sahm. However she spent most of here time handling their business. Which meant I was left to my own devices, every day, for the majority of the time. I vividly remember that in order to spend time with my mother, I had to write a note asking for her to pick a time slot to hang out and sign off on it. She would then show up at the allotted time and we would do whatever the activity was, and then she’d go back to the other room and I would once again be left alone. Even being homeschooled, I was alone. She taught me skeletons of workbooks and I figured the rest out myself. I learned once again that even when I needed guidance, I was expected to be an adult and figure it out, and if I did, I was praised for competence. If I failed, I was disciplined accordingly. It was very apparent to me as a kid that I needed to be entirely self sustainable, in every way, if I wanted to stay alive and not be drowned in feeling unloved.

❌ “If a primary caregiver does not provide empathy and sympathy during moments of distress and fear, children will learn that aloofness and disregard of others feelings is normal behavior.”

- again, pretty straightforward but I digress

- Children need to be given support and love when they are having emotional episodes

- Children do not know how to emotionally regulate themsleves, they don’t know how to help themselves and they get overwhelmed just like adults when they’re scared and unable to understand what’s happening

- Primary caregivers who do not help set the foundation for how a child should positively navigate emotional disregulation set them up to fail

- Children will think that ignoring others pain is correct behavior, and that disregarding how they make others feel is okay as well

🍓 Personal experience:

My mom thought that beating my crying out of me would for some reason solve the issue. Instead of spanking me a few times to get the point across of the transgression, she would often “spank” (imo it was getting beat) me until whatever she was using broke, or until I stopped crying. Unfortunately this caused me to eventually just.. not cry. I learned very quickly that being emotional and showing emotional distress would not get me comfort and safety, and instead usually caused me to have more pain and to be ridiculed for being emotional. I was basically conditioned into emotional shutdowns, and rewarded for having them. I would get praised for being mature if I stopped crying or having emotional reactions to situations. So I did. I experienced a lot of sensory issues and trauma responses as a child, which caused a lot of meltdowns, and those were consistently met with lack of comfort and connection.

❌ “If a primary caregiver does not keep a child safe, children will learn that they should not prioritize their own safety.”

- this mostly fits in with risk taking behavior tbh

- Children learn self worth and value from adults; if that’s not important and/or disregarded, it’s never going to be a priority and will have to be forcibly learned later on in life

- Children learn that if their primary caregiver does not prioritize their safety, that means they can’t rely on them when they’re in pain, being abused by someone else, or even hurting themselves

- This leads to self destructive and risk taking behaviors; they don’t value their own safety, and they don’t value the safety of others because they were not taught that it’s important

🍓 Personal experience:

Touching back on my early childhood; I was definitely not kept safe and unfortunately I was not kept safe in my adoptive family either; I feel like for a long period of time, I genuinely did not think my safety was important (if I even knew what that meant) and therefore it didn’t matter what I did because if the people who said they loved me the most didn’t want to protect me, why should I try to protect myself? This led to a lot of drugs, self harm, a lot of klepto shit, getting into fights, a lot of sexual abuse, etc, all because I genuinely did not understand what safety was, or what it meant. I put other kids in dangerous situations often because I didn’t value their safety either. I thought no one did.

All in all, interactions with primary caregivers builds the foundation for how your brain builds it’s emotional house.

Unfortunately for people with AsPD, we had to build our own emotional foundation as kids and it was done very shittily bc we were little kids and not fucking architects.

Thank you for coming to yet another infodump abt this disorder lmao I hope it made literally any sense bc I’m writing this at 4am and I am very tired :)

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jahayla-parker · 2 years ago

Note

hi! I was wondering if you could do Kaz with a tour her sister or something where he doesn’t want her to get hurt but she thinks that he thinks that she’s weak? (That sounded so confusing sorry) if you can’t it’s fine though. Don’t forget to drink water! And maybe take a little walk?

-🍁

Worrier and Warrior : Platonic/Sibling Kaz Brekker x Sister!Reader

Part 1

Desc: Kaz’s little sister is the latest victim of Kaz’s lack of communication and transparency. This results in actions that cause even more tension between them. Will Kaz ever get over his toxic habits and be truthful with his sister or will it be too late?

Warnings: SoC type content and applicable warnings, including mentions of trauma, violence, sickness, injuries, death, etc.

Part Two Can Be Found Here

Both parts can be found here

Y/n groaned to herself as she sat in the chair across from Kaz’s desk. She’d had enough of his behavior lately. He’d been excluding her from heists and even refused to let her work nights at the Crow’s Club. Y/n knew her brother well enough to know there had to be a reason for his behavior. Kaz never did anything without thinking it through.

Kaz limped into the room exuding his annoyance, having had to follow his sister into his office. He did not want to talk. Much less talk about this matter. He had his reasons behind his behaviors and he didn’t feel he needed to explain them to her.

Yet, she’d snapped at her brother moments ago. She hasn’t intended on doing so, but she couldn’t help it. She felt excluded and unwanted thanks to Kaz’s actions. So, when he gave out shift assignments and once again left her off of it, she snapped and called him out on it. Kaz ordered her to head to his office, hence why they were both sitting in the dusty room in the attic.

Y/n stared silently at her brother as he sat down across from her. Kaz copied her and silently shook his head as his eyes glowered at her. Neither sibling spoke for awhile. It was only when y/n huffed and stood up to leave that Kaz elected to speak.

“You have nothing to say?” Kaz remarked, raising his right eyebrow at her.

Turning back to him, she glared, “you’re the one who ordered me to your office”.

“Because you raised your voice at me before my crew” Kaz argued, shifting his jaw.

Y/n laughed sarcastically, “I raised my voice before your crew?”

Kaz steepled his hands as he stared at her silently.

“First, you’re not my parent Kaz! You’re my older brother, but you’re not in charge of me” y/n huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

Kaz flinched faintly at the mention of their family. Y/n noticed and thought about apologizing. But, she knew that would only make him more mad. Besides, his immediate return to his dismissive body language removed any guilt she felt.

“Second, I am part of your crew! Yet, you treat me like I’m different” y/n pointed out, stepping closer to him.

Kaz tilted his head slightly to the left, “you are different”.

“Why? Because I’m your sister?” She groaned, throwing her head back.

“Younger sister” he corrected stoically.

She squinted at him as she returned to her seat before him, “so?”

“So you need to trust me. I am better equipped to handle these matters” he said confidently, an egotistical glimmer in his eyes. It made y/n want to reach across the table and punch it out.

“Just because you’re older? I can handle myself Kaz. Just last week I handled Guiblan and his crew by myself” y/n pointedly reminded him.

Kaz scoffed, leaning back in his seat dismissively. “Last week as in when you were stabbed during what should’ve been a simple task?” He remarked.

Y/n sank in her seat. She was suddenly weighed down with self-doubt and embarrassment. These weren’t often feelings that her brother made her feel. However, for that exact reason it felt extra heavy.

“Is that what this is about? That’s why I’m no longer assigned tasks or shifts?” She questioned quietly.

Her mind raced as she waited for his reply. It wasn’t like she tried to get hurt last week. Saints, she fought off numerous large men by herself even though no one else was supposed to even be there. She even still successfully completed her task. Yet, that wasn’t enough for him?

Kaz stayed silent. Instead of responding, he looked away from her. His eyes were now staring sharply at one of the cracks in his wall.

Y/n stood up to leave. “For the record, I was out numbered. Besides, there weren’t supposed to be any guards in the first place”.

“Not everything goes according to plan all the time” Kaz acknowledged with a small dismissive shrug.

Y/n bit her lip as her head lowered slightly at his comment. “I’m aware of that, but-“

“But, you weren’t able to handle it without getting injured” Kaz said, his eyes snapping back towards her. He quickly realized he almost revealed the real reason behind keeping y/n from being involved in any Crow or Dreg business. As such, he puffed his chest and added, “and then Nina had to waste her energy taking care of it and couldn’t work her next shift.”

Y/n balked, her already pale skin losing color. “Wasted her energy? Fuck you Kaz. I never asked for her to take care of my injury-“ y/n defended.

“You didn’t have to,” he snapped, slamming his gloved hands on table as he rose from his seat. “I take care of my Crows. This whole business doesn’t work without my investments operating at full capacity” Kaz reminded her.

She stated at Kaz silently for a second. Did he really just call his own sister an investment to his business? He was mad because she was utilizing too many resources? Resources she never asked for?

Y/n wasn’t sure what to say. But it didn’t matter. Because just as she opened her mouth to speak, Kaz interrupted.

“You were decommissioned for days and took Nina down with you. I cannot have that” he said, much more calmly this time. However, there was still a burning anger to his eyes.

“The others get hurt too Kaz, why am I the one needing to apologize for it?” Y/n questioned. She was hoping there was something she was missing. After all, if she were only an investment like the others, why was she being targeted by him?

Kaz once again broke eye contact. His gaze drifted to his cluttered desk this time. “I needed more from you” He said simply.

Y/n squinted, “tell me what you want and I’ll do it”. She didn’t understand what was happening. If her brother needed something from her, he would always just tell her. Why did that change?

“You cannot do it” Kaz stated emotionlessly.

Was that what it was? He was mad not just because she was utilizing too many resources. But because she was utilizing too many resources while not contributing enough in exchange?

Even more than that, he didn’t think she could? Kaz wasn’t an idiot. So was she truly that weak and incompetent? Y/n hadn’t thought so, but maybe she was wrong. “Ka-“ She began, hoping to clear the air.

“Y/n, listen to me. I know what I can and cannot assign you” He said dismissively, shaking his head in frustration.

She stared at the side of his face as he actively ignored her. There was suddenly this defeated heaviness settling into her chest. She took a deep breath before reluctantly asking one of the pressing questions in her mind. “So I’m done with it all?” Y/n questioned.

“If there are tasks I think you can handle, then I will inform you of such. Until then, drop this attitude” Kaz ordered.

She shook her head. The action mostly for herself over her disbelief; after all, he still wasn’t looking at her. “What do you expect me to do in meantime?” Y/n sighed.

Kaz groaned as he ran a leather glove covered hand through his tousled hair. “I don’t care. Read. Have a music session with Wylan. Saints, maybe have Inej or Jesper train you to handle fights.” He remarked, eyes flickering up to her frame.

Kaz watched as she visibly sank. Y/n shrunk in both posture and confidence right before his eyes. And then she was gone. It was all his fault; he knew that.

He even felt a morsel of guilt and regret over it. But that diminished when he recalled seeing his younger sister bleeding from a stab wound. Y/n had gotten the injury because of him. But that wouldn’t happen again. It couldn’t.

Kaz couldn’t let it happen again. He wasn’t sure if he could survive that. Sure, y/n had healed fine. But, it very easily could’ve ended in her death instead. That was something Kaz would do whatever necessary to prevent.

He’d lost his older brother Jordie. He couldn’t lose his younger sister as well. He loved and cherished her too much. Kaz and y/n had always been close.

They were both little when Jordie passed. All three siblings had gotten sick; but only two survived. His brother’s death tore apart almost every aspect of Kaz’s life. All the way down to his morals and life’s motivation. Yet, he didn’t let it tear his relationship with his little sister away.

Kaz had fought to keep himself and y/n alive ever since that day. Y/n had always looked up to Kaz. And while his behaviors changed drastically after Jordie’s death, hers didn’t. She continued to look up to Kaz and tried to be like him. That infuriated Kaz at first, until he realized it was the one thing that would truly keep her safe.

Yet, when she was stabbed last week, that notion evaporated. Kaz knew who was responsible. And he knew why they did it. He’d pissed off the wrong person.

Well, to Kaz there was no such thing. But when it came to getting his sister involved, that was different. She wasn’t supposed to be connected to or impacted by his actions. Yet, that night he’d sent her off on an errand only for her to come back bleeding because of him.

Kaz knew his words tonight made y/n think he saw her as weak. He also knew she took everything he said to her or thought of her to heart. He hated being the reason she now believed she wasn’t strong enough.

But, he told himself it was best this way. She’d likely not push as hard when he refused to let her attend heists or deny her shifts at the club. Both of which he needed to do to keep her safe. To keep her alive. To keep the last piece of himself afloat and alive.

“Kaz, that makes no sense” y/n argued.

It had only taken a few hours for y/n to decide she was going to prove Kaz wrong. Last night she’d elected to show him she wasn’t weak. That she was capable of contributing and keeping up with the others.

Therefore, when she overheard the plans for the crows to meet with Evrin Golding, a wealthy merchant, she tried to convince Kaz to let her join them. Much to Kaz’s dismay. However, he abruptly shut that down with a vague excuse as to why she couldn’t go.

“I don’t need to explain myself to you” Kaz sighed, grabbing his hat from the coat rack by his door.

Y/n huffed and glares at him. He was being so difficult. How could she prove herself if he wouldn’t let her go? “Yes, you do. Because I deserve to go. Plus you could use an extra set of eyes” she smirked.

Kaz rolled his eyes, “you’re not going.”

“That’s irrational and you know it” y/n argued weakly.

Her brother merely surged as he put his hat on, “clearly it runs in the family”.

She groaned and walked until she was blocking the door with her body, “Kaz,-“.

“You’re not going. I don’t want or need you there. End of discussion” Kaz spat.

Y/n frowned and stepped aside. She hadn’t expected herself to cave so quickly. Especially when she had the upper hand by blocking the door. Yet, Kaz’s words stung more than she’d expected.

It had only been a few moments of sulking in her self loathing before she ventured outside. Y/n knew where the meeting was to take place. So while Kaz may not have allowed her to go with, he couldn’t stop her from following after them. Sure it was somewhat childish, but it was the option she was left with if she didn’t want to just accept Kaz’s analysis of her.

Y/n quietly lowered herself to the ground beside Inej. They laid on their bellies atop an old abandoned building just outside of the Barrel. Inej of course had heard y/n coming, but the others hadn’t. As such, y/n allowed herself to get comfortable on the rooftop before watching the scene below.

“I tried to get him to let you come” Inej whispered as the wind whipped past them. It was just loud enough for y/n to hear before the wind carried the sound behind them; away from the others below.

Y/n smiled to herself as she whispered a grateful thank you to her friend. She was pleased to know at least Inej didn’t find her too weak to take part in tonight’s activities. However, it seemed even Inej couldn’t convince y/n’s older brother of her strength.

Y/n and Inej made hushed small talk as they watched from a distance. It was mostly about their latest events in their lives outside of the tasks they did for Kaz. Y/n knew Inej was trying to keep her mind off the fact y/n’s brother thought she was too weak to be here. It helped some; it always helped to talk with Inej.

However, a small disagreement between her brother and their contact easily caught her attention. Y/n and Inej immediately silenced in order to listen closer. They shared a knowing look as Kaz’s attitude only worsened the situation.

Y/n smirked to herself when she realized she could help Kaz. She knew she’d be able to not only help him get out unharmed, but also still complete the task at hand. Kaz was great at reading people. So he had to know how his behavior was worsening the situation.

But Y/n knew when it came to Pekka, Kaz’s vision blurred. This man Kaz was trying to get intel from was part of Pekka’s crew and could be yanking his chain.

Of course y/n hated Pekka with her entirety as well. But, she was able to separate his crew from him. They hadn’t been there. It didn’t mean she liked them, but rather could tolerate them just long enough to handle the task without her emotions taking over. Part of it had to do with her dissociating from her emotions and traumas; but it worked. At least for matters like this. Matters in which her remaining older brother’s fury blinded him and endangered his life. She wouldn’t lose another brother, and certainly not at the hands of Pekka again. So she’d mastered over the years how to not let Pekka or his crew impact her the way it did Kaz. It wasn’t healthy for her as she had to dismiss her traumatic experiences. But, it kept Kaz from taking it too far and getting killed in his search for revenge.

“Excuse me, I have to go make a scene." Y/n whispered to Inej. She slowly rose from the ground and walked to the far end of the building. It would be best if she acted like she stumbled upon the two of them. Kaz wouldn’t believe it for a second, but the Dime Lion easily would if she did it right.

“Y/n, I wouldn’t cross Kaz. His sister or not, no one crosses him” Inej warned, looking over her shoulder at y/n. She sighed when she saw the determined look in y/n’s eyes. It was the same look Kaz got when he was set firmly on a decision he’d made.

“Well, what can I say? I'm a badass." She winked as she jumped down from the back of the building. Y/n quickly made her way around the building to join the scene she’d witnessed from above. She noticed the way the Dime Lion grinned at her as his eyes scanned her body.

She also noticed how livid her brother was. Of course she did, he was practically steaming. Anyone could see how Kaz’s eyes bore into her as he watched her approach. But, she ignored his unspoken order to leave.

“Hi, I’m y/n” y/n greeted, smiling innocently as she stood before their contact.

Kaz remained by her side, his hand tight on the crows head of his cane. If he hadn’t wanted to kill the Dime Lion earlier, he certainly did now. He despised y/n ignoring him and following him out here. But he could have killed the man before him for falling for y/N’s faux innocent play. Especially when the man kept checking her out.

“Well hello there beautiful, I’m Dan-“ the contact began, extending his hand towards y/n.

Kaz cut him off by swinging his cane down between them and shook his head. “Your name does not matter. Nor do her looks. We are here for one thing-“ Kaz barked.

“What my brother means to say,” y/n forced a giggle, “is that I could really use some help from you”.

This was one of the ways y/n and her brother Kaz differed greatly. Kaz refused to show weakness, even if it was fake. Y/n however, didn’t mind pretending. She knew better than to show her true weakness(es). But she was willing to utilize faux ones.

After all, y/n knew she men -especially those in Ketterdam- saw women as far weaker. While y/n knew she could easily take most of these men by herself, she saw their ignorance as a tool. It made it a lot easier to get someone off guard if they let their own guard down due to thinking she was merely a weak girl.

However, she was now wondering if that’s why Kaz saw her the same way. Did he fall for her pretend innocence and ignorance? How could he have? Did he still see her as the little girl she was before they lost Jordie?

She had to push these thoughts aside and refocus on the current moment. Y/n forced on a tender smile as she waited for the man to respond.

He seemed to be intelligent enough to not fall for it immediately. However, as he looked back over at y/n’s ‘shy’ body language, he caved. “Of course darling, I was just telling your brother that I’d love to help. Especially for a damsel like yourself” the man smiled, pretending he hadn’t been arguing with Kaz moments ago.

Kaz’s grip on his cane tightened dangerously. He wouldn’t have been surprised if he snapped off the crows head at the top of the cane. It was all Kaz could do to get himself to silently go along with y/n’s fake storyline. It was all he could do to control his brotherly protectiveness. It was all Kaz could do to not kill the man where he stood.

To say Kaz was pissed would be a grave understatement. Yet, no one could truly find the right word to describe his current state. He stood rigid, his sharp eyes burning holes in y/n’s. The tension in the air palpable.

Kaz had ignored her the entire return to the slat. He refused to go off on her in the streets where others could see or hear. He didn’t need anyone knowing how much she mattered to him. How much her actions and safety swayed him.

As such, he kicked everyone out of the slat as they returned. Well, everyone but his crows. He’d ordered them out but didn’t have enough focus or concern to force them to leave. They already knew how Kaz was with his sister anyways.

This meant the crows all stood silently as they watched in anxious anticipation. While Inej had been the only one to have seen what happened, it wasn’t hard to piece it together. The crows knew stubbornness ran in the Brekker family. So they knew it was only a matter of time before y/n pissed Kaz off by disobeying his latest orders for her.

Kaz tried to control his anger towards his sister. He could feel the raging fury alive and consuming inside of him. But he didn’t want to be mad at her much less act out against her (especially if it was only due to said emotions). Yet, as the scene replayed in his mind, he felt panic merge with his anger.

“What the hell were you thinking?!” Kaz spat, stalking closer to where she sat.

Jesper’s eyes widened as he watched his friends nervously. “Kaz, man, maybe-“ he awkwardly interjected. His goal was to calm Kaz down before he said something he’d regret. But his interruption only resulted in him getting chewed out as well.

The crows froze in their places as they listened to the loud bickering between y/n and Kaz. They weren’t sure what to have expected. The siblings disagreed from time to time, but this was something very different. To make matters worse, both of them were stubborn and angry. That wasn’t a good mix in anyone, but much less in a Brekker.

“I told you I cannot rely on you” Kaz stated, adding another insult to the mix he’d already thrown her way tonight. He refused to look at her as he said it. But, he kept his head high and voice loud and authoritative nonetheless.

Y/n shook her head at him as she took a deep breath. It wasn’t that this comment was worse than the others. But she’d had enough. Y/n may have acted out of an attempt to prove herself, but she also did it to protect him. Yet, he still shouted insults at her.

She once again found herself feeling ashamed and weak. Y/n might have no problem pretending to be these things to get people to do what she wanted. But that didn’t mean she wanted people to actually believe them. Much less her fellow crows. Much less her brother. And much less herself.

Y/n quietly stood and turned to head to bed before her emotions could show. She heard Kaz ordering her to stay where she was. But, what was one more disappointment from her?

Y/n had barely made it to her room before she broke down. She locked her door and slid down the thin wood until her butt hit the floor. Maybe Kaz was right. Maybe she was too weak to handle this. After all, here she was, practically sobbing over an argument with her brother.

Kaz entered her room later that night. By then, she’d composed herself and removed any signs of her heartbreak. Which was good because he’d only come to lecture her further.

Y/n spaced off early on into his latest speech about how she had let him down. She didn’t care to hear it anymore. It hurt and she was furious that Kaz was the one hurting her.

As Kaz went to continue venting his annoyance, he noticed she seemed distant. Furrowing his brows, he asked "Are you even listening to me?"

Y/n let her eyes return to focus, and shook her head. “No, but you don’t want me to be” she admitted, clicking her tongue.

Kaz growled quietly, “Hmm and why is that?”

"I will break your nose if you keep talking about how weak I am. I’ve heard it enough” she explained, looking away from his intense stare.

Kaz saw the pain flickering in her eyes despite her response. He sighed and took a long deep breath before speaking. His tone was much less harsh as he told her, “I did not say you are weak”.

Y/N’s eyes snapped back to him, annoyance overtaking her pain. “Not directly, but you still did” she argued.

“What do you want from me? To coddle you and your feelings?” Kaz retorted. Guilt hit him instantly but he held his ground. He would ignore his guilt if it meant keping y/n safe.

“Why are you treating me like I’m your enemy and not a friend?” Y/n whispered, her voice soft again.

“You’re not my friend y/n” Kaz groaned. He hated the way her face fell even more at his words. But, this was what needed to be done.

“You’re right, I’m your sister. That’s worse” she acknowledged, her voice cracking.

Kaz wasn’t sure how to respond. He didn’t want to make her feel worse. But, he also couldn’t apologize. So, he leaned against her desk silently.

“Get out” y/n ordered meekly.

While Kaz debated ignoring her, he decided against it. He could see how defeated his sister was. So, while he wouldn’t act on his guilt and apologize, he could at least offer her some space. Kaz glanced back at her one more time before leaving her room.

“Aren’t you in a cheery mood” Jesper teased sarcastically as y/n rolled her eyes yet again when Kaz was speaking.

“I have a right to be angry." Y/n retorted, shaking her head.

“Could you be any more annoying?” Kaz asked as he stopped reading off his list of today’s assignments.

Y/n glared across the room at him, “Excuse me?”

Kaz rolled his eyes back at her. “You heard me y/n” he stated calmly. “You’re making us go in circles. We’ve been over this. You’re not taking part in any of the Crows’ or Dregs’ tasks unless I say so” Kaz reminded her. “So stop interrupting the meeting with your infuriatingly annoying emotions” he ordered.

“Kaz,” Inej sighed, shaking her head at him as she gave him a knowing look.

Jesper bravely jumped in again as Kaz glared at Inej. “Y/n has been training with Inej and I, daily. She’s great” Jesper informed him. He watched as y/n nodded in acknowledgment of the training sessions they’d had the last few weeks.

Y/n noticed how Kaz froze and seemed to be pondering Jesper’s remark. “Told you, I’m not weak” she huffed, sending him a glare.

“Y/n, I-“ Kaz sighed, shaking his head.

“Just let me come, I can keep up” y/n pleaded, sitting up straight thanks to Jesper’s compliment.

Kaz took a deep breath. “No” he responded defiantly.

“But Kaz,-“ y/n argued, leaning forward in her seat.

“No” was all he responded with again as he shook his head.

“Come on, you know I am not too weak for this life. Admit I’m right” y/n said. Part of her was teasing in hopes he’d loosen up some. But the other part of her wanted him to say she wasn’t weak. She was still struggling with her own belief on the topic and needed him to clarify it for her.

“I will do not such thing” Kaz said.

Y/n chose to ignore the clenching of her chest and lungs at his refusal. Instead, she reminded herself that he never liked to give others compliments. But there was one thing he hated more. As such, she pressed her luck by responding, “Fine, then admit you’re wrong”.

“No” he groaned, dismissing her with that one word sentiment again.

Y/n threw her hands in the air dramatically. “Quit acting like this you stupid wet sock” she sighed. Y/n could hear the quiet laughter of the crows over the unusual insult. But she knew Kaz would pick up on it.

Y/n hated wet socks and Kaz knew that. She’d hated them ever since she was old enough to say so. It was her final straw when the orphaned siblings had found themselves out on the streets of Ketterdam. She couldn’t handle the feeling on her feet and the cold nights only made it worse. In fact, she had verbally blamed the wet socks for the three of them having caught the illness that took Jordie from them.

So, while it seemed like a humorously random insult to the Crows, Kaz was actually impacted by it. He knew it hadn’t been her intention to bring his mind back to that night. Much less to insult him by calling him the one thing she blamed for what happened. Kaz knew she’d never do that, even if she were furious with him.

But, that didn’t mean he was able to keep it from impacting him or his response. He glared across his desk at her before walking to the door. “You’re staying here! It's better for everyone!” Kaz shouted as he angrily walked out.

Y/n once again elected to ignore Kaz. She was determined to prove him wrong. Y/n was also determined to prove to herself she could handle it. As a result, she was once again on a sketchy rooftop with Inej.

The girls silently watched the scene below. In which Kaz was pretending to bargain with the merchant. The plan was for Nina to pickpocket the merchant while Kaz and Jesper had him distracted.

It all seemed to be going according to plan at first. However, that quickly changed when one of the merchant’s men noticed and let out a calling sound. Suddenly, twelve armed men appeared, surrounding Kaz and Jesper.

The sharpshooter had drawn his pistols but was waiting on a sign from Kaz to pull the trigger. However, Kaz calmly shifted his gaze up to the rooftop instead. Y/n flattened herself out even further, hiding behind the ledge of the roof. Inej gave her a soft giggle as she rose to join Kaz.

Once Kaz saw Inej caught his signal, he finally gave Jesper his. Within seconds the trade meeting erupted into a battle. Y/n wanted to go down and help, but she still feared that Kaz might be right. If he was and she went down there, she’d only make it worse.

So she remained steady on the rooftop. Her eyes danced over the chaos, checking everyone’s safety. That was when she saw her brother had been knocked down. Kaz was struggling to return to his feet when a gun was placed against the back of his head.

Y/n didn’t hesitate any longer. She flung her quiver over her shoulder, grabbing a single arrow before setting the quiver beside her. As she loaded the arrow into her bow, she took a deep breath and stared intently at her target.

Kaz looked up from the ground and over to where the arrow had come from. His eyes narrowed as he saw his sister on the roof. Despite his orders to stay at the Slat. Kaz shook his head as his relief quickly changed into anger.

“Nice shot” Jesper grinned, slinging his arm over y/n’s shoulder after she’d made her way down to them.

“Y/n,” Nina smiled, “glad you could join us!”

Y/n smiled back and shrugged, “Well, it’s more like I crashed the party, since I wasn’t invited, but-“.

”You weren't invited because no one wanted you to come." Kaz spat, staring her down.

“I just saved your life Kaz-“ y/n argued, waving her arm around to the now-dead bodies on the street.

Kaz shook his head and gritted his teeth. “You just risked my life and everyone else’s” he replied.

“Excuse me? He’s dead, he was going to kill you. I handled it” y/n pointed out in disbelief. She’d literally taken someone’s life to keep him safe and he was still mad?

Kaz remained angry. “You weren’t to be here. You risked everyone’s safety by throwing the plan off” he rebutted. He knew it wasn’t entirely true and that it might sound like a stretch even to his Crows. But he hoped y/n would focus on his need to be in charge of the plans at all times.

“Having a gun pointed to your head while knocked on the ground was part of the plan?!” Y/n snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Y/n” Kaz warned, his voice clipped.

She shook her head, “No, if you don’t want me throwing off the plan then just include me to start with”.

“How many times must I tell you no?” Kaz groaned, running a hand through his sweaty hair.

“Until it makes sense!” She retorted, smirking at him confidently.

Kaz moved his hand back down and laid it over his other on top of his cane. “It does make sense! You were not included because I did not want you here. You are more of a risk than you are helpful.” He told her, eyes staring at her abdomen as he spoke.

“So you killed the man, good for you, who cares? “ Kaz asked rhetorically. He regretted that remark as he knew killing someone wasn’t something y/n took lightly. But, Kaz nonetheless continued to berate her for risking herself. “If you were here from the start, it would’ve been worse. You’re a weakness and liability. When will you comprehend that?” Kaz huffed.

“Is that truly how little you think of me?" Y/n asked, her voice weak and shallow.

Kaz felt himself wanting to give in and confess the reality behind his anger. To express that he didn’t see her as weak, but still worried about her being taken from him. But, he wouldn’t let himself. He merely nodded even though it weren’t one hundred percent true.

“Fine. I comprehend that” y/n stated emotionlessly as she turned around and left.

Kaz sighed in relief that the conversation was over. He had the feeling this time he finally got through to her. Her dejected response and giving up on the argument suggested such.

Kaz had assumed y/n went back to The Crow’s Club or the Slat when she left the scene earlier that night. As such, when he arrived, he sent Inej to check on her state. He knew his Crows were all judging him for having said the things he did to her. But, he only asked Inej to check on her because he wanted to know she had made it back safely, not because he was going to apologize.

Kaz was sitting in his office, resting his head in his hands. He was nursing a headache and his leg was brutally assaulting him with pain. Yet, his mind couldn’t stop thinking about how to keep y/n from trying to dismiss his orders again. He couldn’t face losing her. But what levels would he go to if it meant hurting her along the way?

Before he’d had time to analyze that question, Inej entered his room. He glanced up from his hands and squinted at her. She seemed concerned which set him on high alert. “Well?” Kaz asked impatiently.

“She’s not here” Inej whispered, wincing as he watched fear flash through his eyes.

“What do you mean she’s not here?” Kaz asked sharply.

“She’s not here Kaz, it’s straightforward” Inej remarked, “she must have headed elsewhere”.

Kaz stiffly breathed in and out through his flared nostrils. “Go” he ordered. “Find her” Kaz clarified, closing his eyes.

Inej falteted. She wasn’t sure bothering y/n was the best solution. Inej also doubted Kaz would respond well to y/n when she got back from wherever she’d gone off to. “Kaz-“ she drawled.

“Find her and bring her ho-“ Kaz coughed. “-back here” he corrected, eyes still squeezed shut.

Inej silently nodded and left to track down her friend.

Part Two Here

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theelderhazelnut · 8 months ago

Text

WIP Wednesday

tagged by @aceghosts @nightbloodbix @cloudofbutterflies92 @cassietrn <3

I’m one hour late lol. Okay so this is what I have written so far for the first chapter of “Rise of Villains: The Shadow”. Atoosa (Ombra) has lost everything, and she meets Raiden for the first time. (Güney is a minor character)

Also, this is not proofread!

I had never truly felt it until that night when I was sitting beside the road. I had never wished to be anyone else, even that middle-aged man making tea for his customers, but this lost little girl. What did people do when their parents are suddenly killed in an airpalne shot by two rockets, and when they were suddenly left with nothing but an old luggage?

I stared at my fingers, trying so hard not to bury my face in them because then my life would magically go deeper into this abyss. What was I supposed to do really? A psychiatry student in a foreign country who had lost her financial support last week and her rented apartment this morning.

I went into my pocket to check the time, but remembered that my phone had just died. I took a deep breath to protect my sanity for just a few more seconds until I arrive at the restaurant, the temporary workplace I opt because I wanted to be this independent woman. The money it provided me for working there part-time would never heal any scars, but it was better that nothing. But now it was everything I had left.

I pushed glass door open after walking for fifteen minutes, and dragged my luggage behind me. There were only two couples left out of all the customers. Güney, the cashier, looked at me up and down.

“Where are you going?” He continued chewing his gum while his dark eyes were begging to be shut.

“Can I stay the night?” It was weird to hear my own voice after hours of silence in the pavement. Also when I was trying to hide the pleading tone shaking my voice.

“Uuum-yeah you can sleep in the kitchen, but why? Are you okay?” He raised his eyebrows in concern.

Güney was never the friendliest collaege to me, and I definitely did not need his sympathy right then.

“I-my landlord kicked me out I’ll just stay one night I promise I’ll fix everything and-“

“What do you mean he kicked you out?!”

“Because I didn’t pay the rent.” Even talking about what happened this morning made me feel ill and dizzy. I shook my head and walked up to the kitchen.

“You could stay at my place.” He offered in a low, cautious tone, standing awkwardly in the doorframe. Trusting a stranger I see almost everyday? Nope. Never.

I stared at him dead in the eyes. “I’m good. Thank you.”

He creeped out of the dark room with measured steps. And I was, once again, left alone. I sat on the counter for the next couple of minutes, staring at the distance while the fridge continuously beezed in my ears. I would lie if I claimed that I wasn’t scared to be all alone in a restaurant at midnight. Surely, the doors were locked, but my mind was a bastard who enjoyed visualizing diverse scenarios of a psychopath suddenly breaking in. Fortunately, the knives and axes were at reach, hanging gravely from the rank.

I tightened my grip around the edge of the counter. I could hear the already ruined house of my life collapsing into the deep abyss of misery. I would turn into a poor girl drowning in povert while she carries her dead dreams on her hunched shoulders. I would be useless. I would fail.

A vague, booming sound from afar rang in my ears. I found myself totally frozen when I only moved my eyeballs towards the door. I greeted my teeth as though it would magically create a shield for me. The sound was heard again; now three times in a row like knocking. I held my breath to hear every single noise resembling footsteps.

Knocking again. In utter silence, I picked one of the huge knives, and [walking silently] out of the kitchen. White knuckling the handle, my nails were penetrating my sweaty palm.

Before I knew it, a thunder striked just a few meters away. My eyes went blind and my ears went deaf for a brief moment, my heart skipping a beat. I stumbled, but maintained my balance by holding onto one of the tables. Gathering my mind, I aimed the tip of the knife to where it just exploded. But to my shock, evrything was in its place. Not even a single crack could be seen on the windows.

Instead, there stood a tall, masculine figure. Due to darkness I could only see the blackness of his robe and a triangle on his head. Two balls of blue light were shining intensely where his eyes supposed to be. Even though he seemed to be totally alright, tiny fractions of electricity lit up his fists, and occasionally connected the edge of that triangle to his neck.

My lungs begged to empty themselves, but even a small noise was deadly threatening. Was he an alien?

“Atoosa Aryan?” He called.

My heart dropped down to my belly. My thoughts stuck in a tight knot, and so did my tongue.

“I am Raiden, the god of thunder.” He lifted his gloved hand. “There is no need to be afraid. My mere intention is to save you.”

A few minutes later, I found myself sitting before him on one the tables.

“Do we know each other?” I mumbled weakly, afraid that if I blinked for a second, he would rip my throat out.

“I am certain that you have never heard of me untill this moment.” There was a soothing hint of patience in his nonchalant tone. “However, I have heard about you many times in the past two decades. I am well aware of your iron-bending power, Miss. Aryan.”

My heart skipped a beat. He knew too much about me, even the tiniest bit of control I have over iron which I had concealed even from myself. Was he really a god? No, it would be too stupid of me to believe him. He was probably a very professional thief who had taken his job a bit too seriously. What did he want to steal from me though? I had nothing.

He continued. “I am here to offer you a place among the defenders of the realm.”

If he wasn’t a well-trained thief, the he was definitely a psychopath. But that didn’t make sense considering how everything about him seemed too real.

In the next half an hour he took his time to explain about how those defenders defend our realm which he called Earthrealm. He was a god whose main responsibility was to protect this realm. And seemingly, one of his minor duties was to find miserable people like me - with supernatural powers - and train them to be fighters.

That was ridiculous. But a part of my heart begged my brain to believe it.

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#ombra the ironhead #lord raiden #mk raiden #mk oc #mortal kombat oc #rise of the villains: the shadow #wip

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