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thejollyroger-writer · 4 years ago

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One for the Books (1/1)

SUMMARY: Killian Jones is a grad student who works for the Storybrooke University Library. He's searching for some lost books, last checked out by the elusive Teaching Assistant Emma Swan -- and when he goes to find them, he finds a lot more than he bargained for.

Rated G // 5.6k // on AO3

Thanks to @shireness-says for always cheering me on

Some interested folks: @kmomof4 @let-it-raines @thisonesatellite @scientificapricot @ohmightydevviepuu @pepperspotts @resident-of-storybrooke @teamhook @ultraluckycatnd

-- -- --

to: [email protected]

from: [email protected]

August 20 10:14am

Dear Miss Swan,

I hope this email finds you well. My name is Killian Jones, and I am the new records and collections graduate assistant for the Storybrooke University Library. I am writing to you today because, according to our records, there are quite a few volumes from our library that you have borrowed and never returned. You will, of course, not be fined for these items; I am simply reaching out to make sure that they are still in your possession, and to ask that you kindly bring them to the library to return or renew as necessary. The list of items is as follows:

Freud, Sigmund. The Standard Edition of Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, 1953, Volume I.

Freud, Sigmund. The Standard Edition of Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, 1953, Volume IV.

Freud, Sigmund. The Standard Edition of Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, 1953, Volume VII.

Freud, Sigmund. The Standard Edition of Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, 1953, Volume X.

Freud, Sigmund. The Standard Edition of Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, 1953, Volume XXI.

Freud, Sigmund. The Standard Edition of Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud, 1953, Volume XXIII.

Leuven University Press, Sexuality and Psychoanalysis: Philosophical Criticisms, 2010.

Moore, Burness E. Psychoanalysis: The Major Concepts, 1995.

If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to reach out to me in any of the ways listed below.

Thank you,

Killian Jones,

Records and Collections, Storybrooke University

Gold Library, rm. 120A // 545-1212

to: [email protected]

from: [email protected]

September 23 2:46 pm

Dear Miss Swan,

I hope the first few weeks of the semester have gone well for you. I am following up with my previous email, where I sent a list of volumes from our university library that have been checked out under your name. We now have a graduate student writing on psychoanalysis and he is hoping to utilize a few of the volumes you have checked out over the next few weeks. If you would be able to return these items to the library at your earliest convenience, we would greatly appreciate it; even if they have been misplaced, we would still like for you to come and fill out the paperwork so this student can request them from another library. I am in my office every day from 8-3 for you to do this, or I could send you the form for you to print and return. Again, if you have any questions, please reach out.

Thank you,

Killian Jones

Records and Collections, Storybrooke University

Gold Library, rm. 120A // 545-1212

to: [email protected]

from: [email protected]

September 29 8:36 am

Miss Swan,

I am writing once again to inquire about the Freud volumes checked out of the library under your name. Since there is a graduate student waiting for them, and since we are unable to request copies from another library until they are officially marked as missing, I would appreciate your response in regards to these items. If it would be easiest for you, I will gladly come to your office to retrieve them.

Killian Jones

Records and Collections, Storybrooke University

Gold Library, rm. 120A // 545-1212

Killian slams his laptop shut with a huff, then runs his fingers through his hair. “This damned psychology professor,” he mumbles, though he realizes when he hears Dr. French’s laugh coming from her office that the door between them is wide open.

Oops.

“She’s not a professor, you know."

"Pardon?" he asks, mostly because the humming of his mind was much louder than his advisor's comment.

"Emma Swan," Belle says, and Killian leans back in his chair so he can see her. "She's not a professor. She's a TA for Dr. Hopper."

"A TA should still know to respond to emails and return books to the library."

Belle laughs again. "Well, you're not wrong."

"So what do you suggest our next move is?"

Belle pushes her chair away from her desk and steps out into the open area where Killian's desk resides, then leans against the doorframe. "If we didn't have a grad student looking for them, I’d say just let it go. But for the sake of Mr. Mills, might I suggest visiting her office during her posted office hours?”

This is just about the very last thing Killian wants to do, despite offering to pick the books up in his last email. If she wasn't watching him, if she was still sitting in her office, he would have held his head in his hands, wishing for any other option. Six years in the naval reserve he can handle, but trying to get books from enthusiastic academics? He does a much better job with his head buried behind the computer screen, politely (or, if the case requires, slightly passive-aggressively) asking them to return books or to come talk to Belle.

But he knows he can't get out of this one, not when there's a bright lad like Henry Mills relying on him. “When? It’s been a month since the first email, and almost a week since the second.”

Belle squints her eyes to look at the calendar hanging behind him. “Today is what, Tuesday? If she doesn’t get back to you by Monday, I would go to her first office hours of the week. Those usually have fewer students.”

He just nods, but when she returns to her office, he does hide his face in his hands.

The days pass like calendar pages flying off, cartoonishly, all with no response from the elusive Emma Swan. Every time he hears the ping of his email notification, he hopes it is a response from her, stopping him from the embarrassment he knows will ensue on Monday morning, at her 10:00 office hour.

But alas, Monday comes with no response from her, and he tries to hold his head high and he knocks on the door to her office.

He doesn’t know what he expects to find on the other side of her door, but the bright green eyes and high golden ponytail is certainly not it. He had a whole speech in his head, practiced while driving and in the shower, demanding the Freud volumes back for the sake of Mr. Mills — but the face that greets him erases all of his carefully-practiced words in one fell swoop.

Absolutely speechless.

A few moments pass without him uttering a word, after which she raises a single, perfect eyebrow at him. “Can I help you?”

He clears his throat, trying to put some of the confidence back in his posture — and trying to slow the quickening pace of his heart, even as he feels it in his throat. “Yes. Uh, hi. You don't know me, but I’m Killian Jones, from the—”

She cuts him off with a breath of a laugh and a hand held up between them. “You’re from the library.” It's not a question, but he nods anyway. “You’re here for Freud.”

His confidence deflates. “Uh, yeah,” he mutters.

She cocks her head to the side. "You're older than I expected."

Now he is dumbstruck once again. Absolutely speechless, save the weak "Pardon?" that comes out as barely more than an exhale.

But she ignores him, turning away from him, though she leaves the door to her office wide open behind her, so he steps through it and into her small space. The entire room is lined with bookshelves save the space that her small desk takes up and the two filing cabinets beside it.

He realizes in this moment, watching her scan her shelves for the missing items, why he is suddenly so tongue-tied, why his practiced speech flew out the metaphoric window the moment she opened her office door: she's beautiful, without a doubt the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, from her shining emerald eyes to the confidence that seems to exude from her very being, attractive in ways beyond the physical, ways that he can not even begin to explain.

"I really appreciate your coming all the way across campus to find these," she says, starting to pull books off one of the higher shelves. "I've been out the past two weeks at a couple conferences, and I forwarded the list of items to a friend of mine in hopes that he could come and pick them up, but it appears he's as bad at doing favors as he is in bed."

Killian feels the tips of his ears turning red even as she immediately spins on her heel, covering her face with her free hand.

"Oh my god," she mutters. "I'm — I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to say that out loud."

Killian does the only thing his body allows him to and laughs, though every neuron in his brain screams at him to stop.

Thankfully, she joins in, and for a moment, he can swear that her smile actually brightens her dark office, that her laugh brightens his dark life.

"Neal Cassidy, ladies and gentlemen," she says between laughs, which only causes them to laugh harder. "Altogether grossly incompetent."

Killian is glad he's never heard of this man before; he's not sure how he would have handled it if he had.

"Anyway," she says after taking a few deep breaths to try to calm herself. She turns back to the bookshelf to add a few more items to the pile in her arm, but one of them almost falls to the ground. It happens in a flash, really: Killian rushes to try to catch it, though the pile in her arms also begins to topple, and his ankle catches hers as she tries to stop the books from falling — and just like that, they're both on the floor, surrounded by volumes of Freud's Complete Works, Standard Edition.

"Sorry," he mumbles, reaching towards the book that is closest to him only to find that it's one titled Sexuality and Psychoanalysis.

The irony of it doesn't stop his embarrassment from reddening his cheeks once more.

"What the hell is happening in here?" another voice asks, and they both realize there's someone standing in the doorway to her office. "Ems, who is this guy?"

"Oh my god," Emma mutters, moving onto her knees, and he uses the bookshelf to quickly pull himself up so he can help her to her feet. "What do you want, Neal?" she asks, avoiding his question entirely.

Neal? Killian wonders if it's the same Neal she mentioned before, but he pushes the thought away when he finds himself wondering just how good in bed this man can be by the looks of him.

(A bit Freudian? He would say so.)

"I just wanted to bring you some coffee," he says, a hint of anger in his voice as he holds up one of the to-go cups he is holding. "Only to find you on the floor of your office with some guy."

Killian is suddenly overcome with an unexplainable anger, something he knows he has been trained to repress — but here, he feels incapable.

Thankfully, Emma speaks first, crossing her arms over her chest, and he takes the time she uses to speak to calm himself, seeing that she is fully capable of handling her own battles. "I've told you so many times, Neal, I don't even drink coffee. And not that I have to explain myself to you, but it was an accident. I dropped some books and…” She falters, realizing she never learned his name, but continues past it: “... he was just helping me pick them up, which wouldn't have been necessary had you come to my office last week and taken them to the library like I asked."

(That answers that question, he thinks; then, My God, I have to get out of here.)

"I really should go," Killian mutters, his anger replaced with embarrassment, and he focuses his energy on picking up the books from the floor, trying to wish the obvious signs of embarrassment off of his face.

"Yeah, you should," Neal spits.

Killian would swear, looking back on this moment, that he could feel Emma's anger in this moment, swelling like a balloon and filling her small office, almost radiating off of her.

"No, Neal," she says, crossing the space between herself and the door before pushing her hands against his chest and expelling him into the hallway. "You should leave."

And then she slams the door in his face.

A beat passes, Killian focused on the rise and fall of Emma's shoulders, though she is still facing the door. When she turns around, there is a smile plastered across her face, but he also notices the shine of held-back tears in her eyes.

"Sorry," she mumbles, and Killian struggles to find a way to change the subject to anything except what he just witnessed, but finds himself unable to speak once more. "It's just — he's…" She takes a breath, sitting down on the extra chair opposite the one behind her desk, and she hangs her head. "This whole thing was a mistake, really." For a moment, Killian thinks she's talking about him, his stomach turning violently with the thought that something he did caused this goddess this much pain — but then she continues. "I never should have… when I met him at the bar, I didn't even think that he could work at the university, even if he works for maintenance. I'm usually much smarter than that, I swear, but it was the beginning of summer and most of the students were gone and I finally had some free time to myself, so I just wanted to—"

She turns her eyes up at him, the moisture that's filled them threatening to run down her cheeks, but he's in the seat across from her in an instant, his own hand reaching out to cover hers. He's terrified, afraid that he's made the wrong move — that he's no different than the asshole she just had to kick out of her office.

But then she smiles.

"You don't have to tell me this if you don't want to," he says, the words as soft and honest as he is able to make them.

He only hopes it's enough.

She nods, pulling her hand away from his to wipe the bottom of her eyelids, and the last thing he expects is for her to return her hand to his — but that's exactly what she does, and he can swear his heart does a little happy dance against his ribs. "Oh my god, this is so embarrassing," she says softy, smiling down at where their hands are touching on the desk. Killian shakes his head in disagreement, but she doesn't see it, shaking away another soft, embarrassed smile. "And Freud thought the women he saw were crazy."

For what feels like the millionth time since he knocked on the door to her office mere minutes ago, he has absolutely no clue how to read her.

"Are you sure you don't want me to go?" he asks, though he immediately regrets it, watching her face fall.

"If that's what you want…" she says, letting her words fade before finishing the thought.

No, he realizes, and the thought rejuvenates him; he sits up straighter, he can feel his blood flow faster, can feel his heart pound with a little more confidence.

(Christ, Jones, heartbeats don't have confidence.)

"That's not what I want."

"Good," she whispers, the smile returning to her face. “Because he might — knowing him, he’ll probably come back, and I don’t really want to deal with that quite yet.”

“Well, I’ll just stay here until you feel comfortable again.”

“Thanks.”

A beat passes, and Killian realizes for the first time just how awkward this whole situation is. Thankfully, Emma seems to be much better at small talk than he is:

“So, tell me something about yourself…” She trails off again, and this time, Killian offers her his name.

“Killian. Jones.” She nods, a soft smile spreading across her face, and he continues. “But I’m, uh, just starting the lib sci grad program, and I came here since my brother knows Belle pretty well.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” she mumbles, looking up from the desk that sits between them. “You look a little old for a first-year grad student.”

“That’s not technically a question, love,” he jokes. “But yeah, you’re right. I’m not technically what they call a traditional student. I got my bachelor’s all over the world in the naval reserves, but decided to settle down for my masters.”

She huffs out a laugh. “In Storybrooke?”

“There’s a base not too far from here where my brother works. I was done with traveling, done with the hustle and bustle of cities, and this just seemed like the perfect place for me to be.” She hums. “What about you, Swan?”

She shrugs, and for a moment, Killian thinks this is going to be her only response. The silence of the room becomes deafening for one — two — three beats of his heart, but then she opens her mouth to speak. “I never had any roots, and I just wound up in Storybrooke. College was the first time I was able to make decisions for myself, and I just… Stuck around, I guess. I changed my major three times, got two master’s degrees, and I think Archie — I mean, Dr. Hopper’s going to keep me here once I get my PhD.” She sighs. “Sorry, that was a lot.”

“Well, I mean, we are stuck here.”

She laughs, but another silence fills the small office. This one lasts longer than the last, Emma even going so far as to chew on the cuticle of her thumb, her gaze traveling around the room instead of looking at him.

Killian, for some reason, can only think of the man that they’re in this situation because of — Neal. He knows that different people are attracted to different things, and he… Well, with no better way to think of it, he could think of nothing about the man they saw that was even slightly attractive. Sandy brown hair, average build, average… Average everything, really.

“Can I ask you something?” he says, not even meaning to break the silence around them.

She hums, though her attention still seems to be outside the small window behind him.

“Why him?”

“What?” She sounds angry, but also something else. Killian kind of believes it’s humored. He hopes it’s humored.

“That guy. Neal? He’s — well, not to be crass, love, but he seems like he’s kind of a bastard.”

She laughs. Not just a huff, not just a breath, but a real, straight-from-the-belly laugh. And it lasts for a while, longer than Killian feels like it should have, though he’s certainly not complaining. It’s a beautiful sound, a lovely sound, a sound that (almost literally) brings light to his life. Nothing bad can happen when that sound is around him.

(Christ, Killian, pull yourself together.)

“Damned if I know.”

“Well, what do you look for in a guy?” he asks, not even meaning for it to sound as… well, as desperate as he realizes it does.

“Why?” she laughs. “Are you interested?”

Shit. He already feels the tips of his ears reddening, his cheeks growing warm with embarrassment that he has no defense against. "Uh, I mean—" he tries, and he could swear that his chest is radiating heat. "That's not — I didn't—" he stammers, and she laughs again. Sure, he's an absolute idiot, no way to hide his embarrassment from the beautiful woman sitting across the desk from him, but just hearing the sound of her laugh again makes him feel better, even if it is at his own expense.

"Relax," she says, reaching out to touch his hand again, and she offers him a soft smile. "Besides, there really isn't any rhyme or reason to it anyway." He has just started to relax, his heart pounding a little lighter and his body temperature returning to a normal number, when she asks, "Why, what about you, Jones? What do you look for in a woman?"

Beautiful, brilliant blonde goddesses like yourself, he thinks.

For what he could swear is the longest moment of his life, he's unsure of whether he only thought it or not.

And then, she's leaning across the desk, her hand wrapping around the back of his neck to pull his lips to meet hers.

It's far from his first kiss; he's been in the company of enough women to know his way around one. But for some reason, this moment, this woman in particular, catches him off-guard, and he is only able to focus on the soft warmth of her, the feel of her lips against his and her hand on the back of his neck, her fingers sliding up into the longer hair at the base of his neck. He's frozen, unable to respond in any way beyond simply opening his lips slightly to her —

Until he pulls away, cursing himself even as he does it, especially once he sees the terror in her shining green eyes, so obviously wondering if she has done something wrong.

"I, uh… thanks," he stutters, running his fingers through his hair as he jumps up from her desk chair. "I, uh, I really have to go."

As quickly as he is able, he removes himself from her office, though he shows enough self-restraint to not take off down the hallway at a full sprint even though it is what every bone in his body wants him to do.

It’s not until he’s out of the building that he takes a moment to slow down and really realize what he has just done, ifsting his hair with both of his hands.

“Oh, Killian, you absolute idiot!”

He wants to scream, and if he weren’t surrounded by undergrads who he knows are already judging him, he just might.

An idiot. An absolute dunce. Why did it have to be this week that Liam is training in Rhode Island? Why now, when the thing Killian needs the most is advice from his older brother?

Okay, not most; the thing he needs most is to go back a mere minute and not run away from the girl who kissed him.

But he can’t do that. And even just walking back up to her office would be too embarrassing, too much for him. So he does the only thing he can do, and continues down the sidewalk and back to the library.

(It’s not until he’s back in his office, with Belle eyeing him questionably, that he realizes he came back empty-handed.)

She spends most of the afternoon wondering what to do. She knows she acted out of turn, knows she made a mistake, but there was just something about him, not an innocence, per se, but something… different. Something that sets him apart from most, if not all, of the men she finds herself in the company of.

For one, he didn’t seem like a total idiot, unlike the majority of men whose beds she tended to find herself in. Even in the little time she spent with him, she could tell that he was different, and she liked it. She liked that he saw her as a person, with a brain and a personality, and not just as body parts, not just as a vessel that could provide pleasure. Even the men she meets at conferences have all been assholes, men like Walsh ___ who feignd interest in her presentation just to come waltzing up to her afterward and ask her to dinner — which he just talked through, barely giving her a chance to speak.

But Killian, from what she could tell, is nothing like Walsh. Or like Neal, who keeps ignoring her refusals and turning up at her office. (She’s glad she went back to his apartment and not the other way around, because she fears what he may have done had he known where she lived.)

Killian, who came all the way across campus to retrieve books from her office, agreed to stay to keep her company, and then she kissed. Like an idiot. She saw the way he got flustered when she started to flirt with him and it got to her. Was it an overreaction? Maybe. But there were definitely alternatives to taking that sort of action against someone whose shyness was apparent all morning.

She gets nothing done for the rest of the day. The piles of ungraded papers that cover her desk taunt her, but every time she picks up her pen and starts to read, her mind begins to wander immediately — to Killian, to his response to her. Wondering if she made a mistake that she can never fix. Wondering if he is sitting in his office, unable to work, only able to think about her. (Maybe even hoping for this one?)

The screensaver on her desktop tells her it’s 2:23. Literal hours have passed since Killian left, and she has accomplished nothing.

Tapping her password out on the keyboard, she pulls up her university email and types his name in the search box, hoping that one of his previous emails answers her question. She vaguely remembers seeing the hours he’s in his office in one of them, she just needs to figure out which one.

Bingo.

“8-3,” she says to her empty office. She should stay, should at least try to accomplish something after being gone for almost two weeks, but she knows it is useless. So she grabs her red leather jacket off the back of her chair, locks her office door behind her, and makes her way out of the building.

(When she gets to the steps, she realizes she has left the library books behind, just as Killian had when he left earlier that day. With a huff, she turns around, stuffs them in one of her tote bags, and leaves her office once more.)

Pushing through the library doors, she realizes that she’s been at this university for upwards of ten years, and never learned where the Records and Collections Office is. She knows Killian included his office number in his signature, but finding that would take more time than she wants to spend, so she approaches the desk.

“Can I help you?” The student who sits behind the desk catches her attention for a moment, a tall male, probably in his mid-20’s, with blond hair with a pink tinge to it, wearing a dark purple satin shirt and matching purple eyeliner in perfect, identical wings. His name tag reads Tyler.

“Uh, yeah,” she says, hoisting the canvas bag higher on her shoulder. “I’m looking for the Records and Collections Office?”

He offers her a smile. “Sure! Room 120. Up the stairs, to the left, all the way down.”

She returns his smile, doing her best not to just run off to find what she came here for. “Thanks.”

The room that houses the main collection seems much larger than the open area that fills the same space the floor below it, and with every shelf she passes, she feels like three more come into view. But, finally, a row of doors come into view, with the words “RECORDS AND COLLECTIONS” hanging on the wall above them.

119. 121.

Didn’t Tyler say 120?

She tries 121, knocking softly though the door is wide open. She is greeted by a younger girl, most likely an undergrad, with one side of her head shaved and the rest of it pulled into a braid that hangs over her shoulder. “What can I do for you?”

“Uh, I’m looking for Killian Jones? I thought they said it wa room 120, but—”

“Yeah, they can’t seem to number rooms in a way that makes sense around here. You have to go through room 119 to find Killian and Dr. French. I don't think Zoe's in her office, so room 119 should be empty."

"Thanks."

Room 119 is, in fact, empty, but the door inside, the one with Killian's name on it, is closed.

She takes a deep breath, hoisting the bag of books up again, and knocks on the door. She wonders if this is how Killian felt knocking on her door that morning, with her heart pounding in her throat. Probably not, she tells herself, breathing out a laugh to try to calm her nerves.

"Come in!" his voice calls, and she can feel her heartbeat in every cell of her body.

What the hell, Emma.

But when she grabs the door knob, she realizes that at least part of her nervousness is valid, because for all the time she spent sitting in her office thinking about their earlier interaction, she has given zero thought to what she's going to say to the man on the other side of the door.

Too late now.

Deep breath.

And she opens the door.

He looks as flustered as she feels, with his hair standing in all directions, as if he's been tugging at it and running his fingers through it. The thin-framed glasses perched on his nose just add to the ensemble, his bright blue eyes already wide through them, and they only widen more when he sees her standing in the doorway.

"Hey."

He blinks. Then again, as if trying to convince himself that she's really there. That may be exactly what he's doing. "Swan," he breathes, one corner of his lips ticking up in a smile. "Hi."

She holds up the bag full of books, offering him a small smile. "I think you're looking for these."

He returns the smile, but it disappears after just a moment. "Well, I thank you, love, but you didn't have to bring them all this way."

"It was the least I could do after all the trouble someone went through to pick them up this morning."

"You could have dropped them off downstairs."

It's now that she realizes that just because she wanted to see him again, he doesn't necessarily feel the same way, and that could explain his cold responses to her.

She lets her smile fall. "I could have."

"Why didn't you?" The question is simple enough, straight and to the point.

"Christ, Killian," she huffs, letting her anger get the best of her. "I didn't come here to return the books."

"Then why did you come?"

"I wanted to apologize," she says, dropping the bag of books on his desk — and when she opens her mouth to speak again, the words tumble out like a waterfall, unable to be stopped. "I could tell I made you uncomfortable and I've been sitting in my office all day, wishing I did something differently, but since I can't go back, I decided the least I could do to make up for it was to bring you these books and ask you if you wanted to go to dinner with me, but obviously you and I aren't on the same page, so—" She shrugs, throwing her arms in the air, and turns away from his desk.

There's a shuffle from behind her, but it's not until he says, "Yes! Yes, okay," that she turns back around, realizing that he's stood up.

"What?"

"Dinner. With — with you," he stammers. "That's — I want that."

Again, she just says, "What?" but this time it's paired with the beginnings of a smile.

"I've been thinking about what happened all day. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, even with everything I was supposed to be doing."

She takes another step towards him, her smile growing. Finally, he returns it with one of his own. "Yeah?"

"Aye."

Rocking back on her heels, she looks down at her watch. "It's only 3:00."

He laughs, already seeming much more relaxed than he has been since she opened the door to his office. "I suppose it is.”

Their gazes meet for a moment. She raises her eyebrow. He clicks his tongue.

“I, uh, didn’t really eat lunch,” she says with a smile.

“Ah,” he replies, returning her smile as he scratches the back of his ear. “You see, I was also a little distracted, but I am almost off the clock.”

“Good,” she whispers, setting herself in the seat next to his door. “I’ll just wait.”

He nods, sitting back down in his office chair. He is able to check her books in, then sends an email to Henry Mills to tell him he can come get the books whenever — but he is more distracted by having her in his office than he was all day when she was just on his mind. After every few words, his attention leaves the computer screen and travels to where she is sitting, scrolling on her cell phone.

And every time he looks at her, he smiles.

It’s only a few minutes before he logs off his computer, accidentally startling her when he pushes his chair away from the desk.

“Sorry,” he mutters, pulling his jacket on over his sweater. “I’m ready now, though.”

Their first pizza date quickly becomes a regular occurence, sharing lunches in their offices on days they don’t go off campus. It’s two weeks before Killian is bothered they haven’t been on a “proper date,” and he picks her up from her apartment with flowers, which she keeps in a vase in her office.

But, most importantly, she never forgets to return a library book again — especially the next year, when she and Killian move into a small house near the campus.

Together.

#cs fics #captain swan #my writing #wordsbymeganmichael

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argylemnwrites · 4 years ago

Text

Live And Die This Way

Pairing: Colt Kaneko x MC (Ellie Whitnall)

Book: Ride or Die (post book 1)

Word Count: ~5900

Rating: R (language, brief 30 diamond content - N*FW, referenced violence)

Summary: How do you create the life you crave? And what is the cost?

Author’s Note: Written for @rodappreciationweek Day 4 - MC. This is a direct companion piece to my Colt entry “He Knew” and will reference many of same events covered there, but it does stand on it’s own. This piece was envisioned first, with my Colt piece kind of springing forth from the future I saw for those two while crafting this fic. In addition to the content mentioned in the rating, content warning for infidelity.

Ellie didn’t know how to feel about college. Not so much about her coursework - that always made perfect sense after years of AP and honors classes. More about her “college experience” or whatever cliche phrase described how it was to just live as a freshman in Turren Hall on the west side of Langston’s quad.

She liked her independence. She could eat what she wanted, go where she wanted, do what she wanted. If the end of her senior year had been more traditional, she probably would have been buzzing from all of her freedoms. She had her first taste of alcohol. She made out with a cute boy at a house party. She ate ice cream for dinner and ordered pizza with Rebecca, her roommate, at midnight. She was enjoying herself.

But her new friends acted like these little things were the pinnacle of independence, and it was hard for her to relate to that. Not when she’d experienced the thrill of pushing the speedometer up over 100 MPH, felt the power of an engine revving at 5000 RPM, and jumped from moving vehicle to moving vehicle at highway speeds.

She liked her new friends and classmates well enough, but she never talked to them about who she’d been in Gramercy Park. She didn’t bring up the MPC and her brief time with them. She certainly never mentioned Colt.

It’s not that she disliked college, she just was struggling to put it all together, the person she was in New Hampshire with the person she’d become in LA. On the weekends, she found herself just going on drives, trying to reclaim that thrill, that rush. She found a county highway about 20 miles from campus where she could floor it and feel the speed settling deep into her bones. She always went on these trips alone, even as she started seeing Chris more and more often. He wouldn’t get it.

Chris wanted to officially be her boyfriend. She’d sensed it for months, but he finally asked her one Saturday in April. His roommate had gone home for the weekend, so Ellie had spent the night in his room. She liked Chris well enough. He was a chemical engineering major, he was cute, and with his short, curly, blond hair, he looked nothing like either of the guys that had turned her life upside down one year earlier.

The trouble was any connection between them was superficial. On paper, they seemed so similar - both of them had been valedictorian, science and math nerds, only children raised in protective Catholic households. But he only saw “Langston Ellie,” he only liked that part of her. He didn’t have this drive for something more - more thrilling, more adventurous, more stimulating. So she kept things between them casual, and when summer break rolled around and she made her way back to LA, she didn’t feel any guilt about trying to track down Colt.

He must have gotten a new phone with a new number as part of his plan to “lay low” and evade arrest, and Kaneko Auto Shop was still a boarded up shell, scorch marks visible along the walls. But she eventually found him, less than 36 hours before she was leaving, of course. It was almost fitting, seeing him at the sideshow, the place where she’d first met him. She wasn’t sure if he saw her, but she spotted him right away, standing off in the shadows, talking with a couple of men, wearing that same leather jacket.

At some point, he must have noticed her, because he couldn’t just let her dance with Darius and Riya. Instead, he’d wrapped his arm around her waist, and it was like stepping into a time machine, as if no time had passed, as if they’d seen each other last week, not last year. Riding back to his new place and falling into bed with him was the first time she’d felt truly awake in ages.

Any illusion that sex with Colt just seemed better than sex with Chris because he’d been her first and she hadn’t had a point of comparison went straight out the window. It wasn’t that sex with Chris was bad, but with Colt… it was raw and primal and intense, and those were not ever words that could be used to describe Chris. Chris in bed seemed scared he would hurt her, so he just tried to coax her to the peak of pleasure. Colt wanted to stake claim, to possess her, to drive her higher and higher. He knew how strong she really was, and it made her heart soar.

She knew she was heading back to New Hampshire, and that tonight with Colt would be just that - one night. It’s why she didn’t ask him about the Brotherhood. Hearing about his inevitable ventures into bloody vengeance would just lead to a fight, and there was little point in ruining this little moment in time with that. This was a reprieve, not a promise, and that meant some things were better left unsaid.

So the sun came up and Colt drove Ellie back to her father’s home, but not before adding his new number to her phone. She packed up her suitcase and tanked up the Shokai Fourier and made the drive across the country, back to Langston and a world of academics and being a “good girl.” But now she had another outlet. Anytime she craved that thrill, she would text him. Sometimes it was a bratty little insult. Sometimes it was a barely clothed selfie. But he always responded. And as she started sophomore year, it felt like she might be figuring out a way to merge the two sides of her life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Texting Colt became a new form of an adrenaline rush when she somehow stumbled into a relationship with Chris. She knew it was wrong, that Chris didn’t deserve the way she was treating him. Being kind of dull was not failing. But the problem was that “Langston Ellie” didn’t have a reason not to date him. So over Valentine’s dinner, he became her boyfriend.

It was a balance, that thrill that came from sneaking out for a drive or shooting Colt a dirty little text versus the pit of guilt that sat in her stomach. She tried to justify it to herself when the guilt got to be too much, telling herself that nothing physical had happened with Colt while she and Chris were together, but that was a flimsy excuse.

The issue was that she felt like herself, vibrant and happy, and the more she pushed the boundaries on what was acceptable in her personal life, the more she excelled elsewhere. She was setting the curve in almost all her classes. Her research was going well enough to get approved for the Summer Scholars Program, which came with a generous stipend. It’s like she had to be doing something “wrong” to feel complete, and since stealing cars wasn’t an option at the moment, this is what she settled for. She wasn’t sure what that said about her as a person.

But she kept living her double life for months and months until one day in October, things all came to a head. She got a call from a number with a 310 area code, but she didn’t recognize it, so she let it go to voicemail. When she finally got a chance to listen to it an hour later, after her meeting with Dr. Frisch, it felt like the world might just swallow her whole. Her father was too young, too healthy to have a heart attack, to need bypass surgery, to be in the ICU.

It had taken her 15 hours to email her advisor, request a leave of absence, and receive approval, email Dr. Frisch to withdraw from his research group, and to pack up her room in the off-campus apartment she and Rebecca were renting and load up the Shokai Fourier. She spent far too much of that time breaking up with Chris.

It hadn’t even occurred to her to let him know about Dad until he’d texted her after dinner time, asking if she was still on for an ice cream run to Gilly’s. What followed was him coming over, with hours of talking, of him trying to calm her, tell her everything was going to be fine. She’d gotten frustrated, asked him how he could possibly know her dad was going to be okay. It was messy and awful, their first and last fight, all culminating with her kicking him out and sending him back to his apartment when he dared to suggest she was too emotional to be making these decisions in the moment.

The drive to LA was a long one, filled with tears and regrets. It felt like her fault. She’d put him through hell senior year, only to leave him all alone to flit off to college, where she had just coasted by, chasing down the high of adrenaline in destructive ways. Instead of stopping at a motel to rest, she drove the 3000 miles basically straight through, resting for a few hours in a parking lot in Iowa, but otherwise relying on Red Bull and coffee to get her through the drive. She’d gone to drop off her stuff at her father’s place, but when she arrived, she couldn’t bring herself to unlock the door. Even though the latest update from Dr. Ginde had been that her father was improving, she couldn’t bear to go inside, to see memories of him and her mother plastered everywhere, all by herself.

So she’d driven over to Gramercy Park. The shop was open now. She knew that was the plan, but it was still nice to see it with her own two eyes. She locked her car and went inside, taking in the bustle and the activity, cars hoisted on jacks, an air compressor hissing in the background. If she had recognized any of the people working in the shop, she almost could have believed that no time had passed.

Some guy with dreads went to go find Colt for her as she stood there, feeling both out of place and at home at the same time. Finally, he emerged, grease streaks on his t-shirt and jeans, his hair just a little shorter than she remembered. He took her into his office and listened as she told him what happened. No questions, no platitudes, no infantilization. Just understanding and comfort, and when she told him she didn’t know how to go home alone, he’d just told her to follow him back to his place.

Staying with Colt was like falling back into a former life. She hung around the garage, reconnected with Ximena, and went out racing and to sideshows. She visited her dad every day in the hospital and then in the rehab facility, taking notes on all his doctor’s instructions and researching new, heart-healthy recipes for them to eat as she got him settled back in at home. And even though she and Colt never talked about it, suddenly they were together, with her toiletries tucked into his medicine cabinet, a second towel hung in the bathroom, and her favorite yogurt stocked in the fridge. It all felt comfortable, and she felt at peace with her life for the first time in a long time. She could get that adrenaline rush she craved so badly as she drag raced through the streets, getting to know Colt’s new crew, and she wasn’t hurting anyone to do so. She felt happy, so as October bled into November, she emailed her advisor, preparing to extend her leave of absence.

She never thought Colt would object to her plans to stick around, but he was cruel and livid when she told him she wasn’t heading back. At first, her anger flared, righteous and indignant. How dare he try to tell her what to do. She’d thrown her clothes that were scattered around his place back into her duffel bag and headed straight to her father’s home. He didn’t comment when she tossed her bag into her old bedroom, just pulled out the Parcheesi board and sat down at his usual spot at the kitchen table.

The next morning, she awoke to the smell of bacon sizzling, so she made her way into the kitchen.

“Dad, you can’t have bacon anymore. It’s not on your ‘safe foods’ list.”

“I figured whatever sent you here yesterday might warrant an ‘Ellie special,’” he said with a shrug. “Besides, it’s turkey bacon.”

She bit her lip as she sat down at the table, wondering if she should risk stressing him out by bringing it up, but he crossed the bridge first as he set her plate in front of her.

“I suppose you were staying with that boy with the yellow GT?”

She shook her head. “No, the boy with the motorcycle.”

Dad just let out a sigh and gave his head a little shake. “They’re all still wanted criminals, Ellie. The statute of limitations hasn’t run out. But I suppose you already know that.”

“Dad…”

“Look, I know you’re an adult, and you can make your own choices. But I hope you know what you’re doing here. If you get caught up with him in something again… I won’t be able to spin it that you were just a kid who got roped into the whole thing by a dirty cop who convinced you that you could be an informant and help him.”

“I know what I’m doing, Dad. I’m not stupid.”

“I know you aren’t. That’s what scares me the most. Oh well, you’ll be back at Langston soon enough, I suppose.”

It was Ellie’s turn to sigh as she filled him in on how her plan had been to stay, to work in LA and to help him recover, at least for one more semester. When she finished, Dad just stared at her for a few seconds, eyes narrowed, before he spoke.

“So, let me see if I have this right. This… Colt told you to go back and finish your degree?” As she nodded, he just shook his head. “Never thought I would be on the same side as a little punk.”

She shoved her chair back from the table, abandoning her breakfast. “Dad, it doesn’t matter whose side you’re on, because it doesn’t matter what you think or what he thinks. This is my choice.”

But as the days ticked by, and her dad seemed stronger and stronger, she had to wonder if she was doing the right thing. She’d gotten upset because it felt like Colt was trying to decide what was best for her, but as she thought back on their fight with a clearer head, that wasn’t really a fair assessment. He wasn’t trying to control her; he was trying to push her. At the end of the day, he liked her strong and sharp, ready for the next challenge. And while being back in LA felt good and right in so many ways, just hanging around after her father’s medical emergency wasn’t the way to go about it. She wanted to come back here, but she needed to do so the right way, as an active choice, not a passive situation that just happened.

So she went back to school and worked her ass off, taking summer classes to make up for the shitty schedule with not enough engineering credits she had to settle for after she registered late for classes. She was a semester behind now, but that was manageable. She lost her research position, but that was okay. She didn’t need to build her resume anymore. She had a job lined up already.

When she signed papers granting her 50% ownership of Kaneko Auto Shop, everyone in her life thought she was crazy. Rebecca had pestered her for months with info about engineering firms that were hiring and master’s programs. Riya had told off Darius for telling her she was being foolish, but as soon as he left to go get them takeout, she’d told her she must be out of her mind to legally tie herself to that Kaneko boy in any way. Her father just shook his head and went into his bedroom, closing the door with a thud. But Ellie didn’t care. It was the first time she’d felt fully alive in almost five years.

It was invigorating, to finally be living a life that was 100% her choosing. She wasn’t held back by her father’s restrictions, her peers’ perceptions, her own perfectionistic expectations of herself. She was just… Ellie. She wasn’t bound by anything or anyone. All her fears, concerns, and worries were nothing in the face of all the possibilities ahead of her. Ahead of them.

Colt had always seen her. It was why she’d been drawn to him in the first place. He didn’t treat her like a child that needed protecting. He respected her agency, her autonomy, her abilities. He respected her opinions and suggestions, and slowly but surely, they were able to expand and grow the shop and their territory. Not too fast, as that would attract the attention of both rivals and law enforcement, but steady enough that people had to take them both seriously. He wasn’t just coasting on his father’s reputation, and she wasn’t some sheltered little girl who had slept her way into this world. They proved themselves, and they were thriving. And finally, Ellie felt like she was living the life she was supposed to be. She felt like herself, fully realized and alive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s not that she and Colt lived in some bubble of pure domestic and professional bliss. They disagreed about how aggressive to be when rival crews inched in on their turf, about whether a drop would be worth the payout, about whether or not the new mechanic was trustworthy enough to drive on their next big job. And when they disagreed, they disagreed. It was never violent, but it was loud and passionate. They pushed each other time and time again. It was just how they worked things out, and they always were able to come to an understanding in the end.

Ellie never questioned their arrangement until she was pregnant. In their four years as equal partners, both personally and professionally, she’d never had any qualms about the life they were living. It was exciting and thrilling, but their risks were always calculated, or so it had seemed. They were smart about things. It’s why their territory had nearly doubled in size over those four years with only one misdemeanor arrest for petty theft for their entire crew over that time.

But when she heard that heartbeat over the sonogram, Ellie knew that she had to change the way she thought about risk and reward, because risks that were acceptable to take when it was just her and Colt, conquering south LA one block at a time, where not okay when there was going to be a child at home depending on them. Colt, on the other hand, seemed to take the opposite approach. He was hungrier and more ambitious than ever. He wanted to move more volume, expand to new neighborhoods, to grow bigger more quickly than ever.

“This will be our legacy. All of this, rebuilt and passed on to our kid,” he told her over and over again. And any of her pleas to slow things down, to take a step back, were met with annoyance and frustration. “If we slow down, we won’t be able to keep what we have now. Others will take notice and swoop in. It’ll be a moment of weakness.”

He worked nearly around the clock, always trying to strike a better deal, to find a better score. Part of her had even worried that he would have left her at the hospital with just her father if he got word of a deal on hot merchandise while she was in labor. But when the contractions came, he was at her side the entire time. He was antsy and impatient, sure, but most of that was probably due to having to spend 26 hours straight in a confined space with Dad. Over the years, that relationship had never evolved beyond frosty tolerance.

When Margot Graciela Kaneko came into the world, 6 lbs 4 oz and screaming like a banshee, Ellie swore she saw Colt wipe a tear away. She hadn’t seen him cry since that awful night in May nine years ago, when he’d had to watch his father sacrifice himself. When she forgot all about how horrible it was that Colt had kidnapped and planned murders because he’d looked so broken and human, not at all like a ruthless kingpin wannabe who had no moral code. With all their shared daddy issues, it had felt cruel to bring up her concerns about his moral compass when his world had just shattered to pieces.

For his part, Dad cried openly when she told him his granddaughter’s name, forgiving the use of Kaneko as her surname when he realized she shared her middle name with the abuela she would never get to meet. For a moment, they felt like a normal family. Not a detective father who had to turn a blind eye as his daughter and her boyfriend ran one of the ten largest auto theft crews in LA. Just three adults who loved a little baby girl more than anything.

Colt was always a loving father. He adored Margot, and she wanted for nothing. Toys and clothes and books littered her nursery in their new two bedroom house, a home security system installed with door and window alarms, motion sensors, and security cameras. He took pride in every developmental milestone she reached and bragged about her constantly. The office at the shop was covered with her drawings, and when she started 4K, her first attempts at writing letters and numbers joined her colorings and paintings.

He just didn’t seem to have any desire to strike a work-life balance. It didn’t exactly surprise Ellie. They had both thrown themselves into that shop for years, their only goal and purpose. For both of them, work had been their life. But now, she felt like they needed to handle things a little differently. More cautious, less aggressive in their growth schemes. It was a point of disagreement between them regularly.

“I don’t understand what your problem is, Ellie. I’m building this for us. For her. Since when are you fucking timid about growing the shop?”

“It would be nice if you could eat dinner at home with us more than a couple of times a month.”

“Just bring her for dinner with the crew.”

Round and round, over and over. Her asking him to take a step back and spend more time with Margot while he dove deeper and deeper into his work, acting like bringing Margot into that world as a preschooler was a solution. At times it felt like her own personal Groundhog’s Day, her living the same day with the same damn fight time and time again.

She’d been venting to Mona one afternoon in a coffee shop as she waited for a contact to bring them info about a new shipment that should be passing through over the weekend. It was a little risky, combining her work with a meeting with Mona now that she worked as a consultant on grand larceny cases for the LAPD. Initially it had been a condition of her parole, but it ended up suiting Mona just fine. She was a free-lancer at this point, so she only took the cases that she wanted, and she was well paid for it. Not as well-paid as Colt and Ellie, but without the overhead and without the risk.

“He just is so single-minded, and he doesn’t understand why it bothers me.”

Mona laughed at that. “He’s Kaneko’s kid, Ellie. I don’t know what else you were expecting when you picked him over Logan.”

It was strange to think about it like that. She knew that Logan and Colt had both wanted her back then. And for a while, she and Logan were happy. But while Logan had tried to shield her from his world, Colt had encouraged her to immerse herself further. He saw potential in her, and it had been so liberating, being seen as a woman, not a child. And once it came out that Logan had only pursued her at Kaneko’s instruction, she’d just been done. She felt like a pawn and a fool, hurt and violated, so she’d turned to the only person she could count on to be blunt and direct, to respect enough at least for that.

“Have you heard from Logan at all?”

Mona shook her head. “I think he made it to Detroit, but that was years ago.”

“I hope he’s doing okay,” Ellie said as she took a sip of her coffee. Mona just raised an eyebrow, but didn’t push that topic any further. She was right. The traits that drew her to Colt in the first place were wrapped tightly with the ones that frustrated her now, all of which were proof that he was very much his father’s son.

“So other than Colt being an ass, how’s life?” Mona asked, drawing Ellie out of her nostalgic musings. She pulled out her phone and showed her a video of Margot cruising around on her new balance bike. For better or worse, this was the life she had chosen, and for all its frustrations, she knew she still had plenty to appreciate. She wouldn’t have wanted a different life, anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Margot was heavy in her arms as she rang the doorbell, praying that he wasn’t working tonight. He really wasn’t supposed to be working nights at all anymore - his cardiologist’s recommendation as part of numerous lifestyle changes - but Ellie knew he would still pick up an overnight now and then. She’d never really felt like she was in a position to question his judgement given her own career choices.

She rang the bell three times before she saw a light flip on the hallway. She let out a sigh of relief. She hadn’t wanted to have to pick the lock. A few seconds later, the door cracked open. Her father looked disoriented, his hair sticking out in numerous directions, wearing blue plaid pajama pants and an old Honor Roll Parent t-shirt.

“Ellie? What’s going-” he started, but dropped his voice to a whisper when he noticed Margot passed out against her shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Ellie nodded. “We just need a place to stay.”

He opened his mouth, clearly wanting to say more, but after a second, he just nodded and stepped aside, letting them pass through the door. He followed a few steps behind. Ellie could feel him staring at her as she carried her daughter into her old bedroom, tucking her in on the far side of the bed.

“I need to go grab our stuff from my car. Can you stay with her? She’s going to be confused if she wakes up and isn’t in her bed.”

Dad just nodded again, sitting down on the edge of the bed and running his hand soothingly over the back of his granddaughter’s head. When Ellie returned with the duffel bag and tote bags she managed to fill, all she knew she could carry at the same time as Margot, she dropped them on the floor. Anytime she had come to stay before, she’d only brought a couple days worth of clothes, so she knew the amount of luggage she’d brought was going to attract attention. He was a detective, after all.

“How long are you staying?”

All she could do was shake her head, willing herself not to cry. She felt lost and heartbroken, but more than that, she felt stupid. Stupid for ignoring everyone’s warnings about Colt, for thinking that she could have the thrills and excitement of that life without causing serious harm, for having a child with a man who could order the murder of someone without batting an eyelash.

Dad stood up and crossed over to her, wrapping his arms around her, and she couldn’t hold back anymore. She started sobbing into his chest, feeling like a child all over again. But the pain kept pouring out of her, and her father just took it all, even after everything she’d put him through over the past 13 years. And when the tears finally slowed, she let him guide her to her old bed and tuck her in right next to her daughter.

The next week was filled with rounds of Candyland and Guess Who, drives out for ice cream and donuts, and trips to the park with Abuelo. All things that Margot loved, things that would hopefully keep her happy and from asking questions that Ellie wasn’t ready to answer. How do you tell your four year old that her Daddy, the man she thought was the best on the planet, had decided to make some phone calls to end a man’s life, so they couldn’t live with him anymore? Ellie just wanted to put off that conversation for as long as possible.

But Margot was bright and curious, and all the distraction in the world wasn’t enough to make her forget her home and her father. Ellie stumbled through it the best she could, telling her that Daddy had done something very naughty that he thought was the right choice, but that was actually something really bad.

“Is Daddy in a timeout?” she asked as Ellie tucked her in, her brown eyes wide with wonder.

“Kind of, sweetie.”

“How long do Daddy’s timeouts last?”

“A long time, Margot. A very long time.”

She nodded, like it all made sense to her now. Ellie knew she couldn’t keep her from Colt forever, but until she felt like she had her feet under her again, this was probably the best approach she could hope for. She dropped a kiss to her daughter’s forehead and flipped off the lights, gently closing the door and making her way into the kitchen.

The Mancala board was set up this time. While the days were filled with fun activities for Margot, the nights had been a series of board games, just her and Dad. Just like the old days. He hadn’t asked her many questions. Ellie suspected he was so glad she had left Colt, that he didn’t want to push his luck and say the wrong thing that might send her running back to him. But tonight she was going to have to broach the subject.

“Dad, can you watch Margot tomorrow night?” she asked as she dropped her stones down, one by one, working her way around the board.

“Why? Where are you going?”

“Probably to the shop or our house. I’m going to have to talk to him at some point.”

“He’s… been riding by on that... bike of his,” Dad ground out, glancing up across the table, his eyes flitting nervously. Like she hadn’t known that was the case. She knew exactly what his bike sounded like. Besides, she knew it would be his next step. She had dozens of voicemails and unread texts from him.

“I know.”

“Do you… what I mean is… what do you want me… are you… Ellie-”

“We’re done, Dad. I don’t want to see him.” She interrupted his ramblings, and glanced up from the Mancala board at him. His shoulders visibly relaxed at her words. “But we have a kid together. I can’t just pretend he doesn’t exist.”

He let out a little hum as he contemplated his next move. “Ellie, what happened?”

She shook her head. No way he wouldn’t feel obligated to turn Colt in if he heard that he’d ordered Shaw’s shanking. “I really can’t tell you.”

“If he did something that-”

“-I still own 50% of the shop, Dad. Plus, he’s Margot’s father. This is going to be hard enough on her without him behind bars.”

She could practically feel her father’s stare, attempting to bore a hole in the top of her head as she kept her eyes on the board. She knew he wanted to know more, wanted to say more. Finally, he said, “I know you don’t want to hear this, but if you’re looking at a custody battle, him behind bars would be very helpful.”

She turned her head up and frowned. “I’m not going to throw him to the wolves. It won’t make things better, trust me.”

“Honey, you say that now, but when custody battles get going-”

“He’s not gonna fight me for custody,” Ellie interrupted. “Not as long as I let him see her every now and then.”

“How can you know that?”

“I’m gonna let him buy me out of the shop well below market value. That’s always been his priority, anyway.” She’d been mulling it over in her mind, and it seemed like her best move. They both got what they wanted. As long as she promised not to do what his mother had done, to take his kid and move as far away as possible, he would probably agree. He got his father’s legacy and a relationship with his daughter. She got the chance to shield her daughter from the harshest realities of the world where she was born. It was win-win.

She knew she was screwed professionally at this point. She’d spent the nine years since college in a job that would do little for her resume. It was a small price to pay for her daughter’s safety and well-being, though.

“Hopefully I’ll be able to get enough to get a little apartment for us, at least until I figure out what I can do for work-” she started explaining, but Dad reached across the table and grabbed her hand, cutting her off.

“You’ll both stay here as long as you need.”

“Dad, you’ve already dealt with so much of this drama. I’m not going to ask you to house us indefinitely.”

He shook his head, still holding tight to her hand. “I know you could do it on your own if you had to, Ellie. You are bright and resourceful and so determined when you need to be. But I’m your dad, and this something I can do to help you out and keep you safe.”

Tears welled in her eyes at his words. His desire to protect her from a harsh world was still there all those years later. And while it had been the bane of her existence as a teenager who thought she could handle everything that life would throw her way, his attitude felt different now that she had Margot sleeping in her childhood bed, a direct result of her own attempt to protect her child.

“Thank you, Dad,” she choked out, forcing a smile as a couple of tears spilled over onto her cheeks.

“Of course, Honey. You’re both my girls, always.”

He was right, more right than he could know. Because if Colt was cut from the same cloth as his father, well, so was she, at least where it counted. She would protect her daughter and as a family, they would get through the bad times. She hadn’t always made the right choices, but she had her daughter and she had her father. And for the time being, that would have to be enough.

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ROD: @mskaneko @burnsoslow

#rodaw #colt kaneko #colt x mc #rod fanfic #choices fanfiction #n*fw #cw: infidelity

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addierose444 · 4 years ago

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Academic Advice for First-Years: Part I

Last week I posted some general college advice for first-years. Here I will delve into my academic advice. This post got really long, so I decided to break it up into two parts. In this part, I will provide some general advice on course selection, note-taking, and homework. Next week, I will be exploring the academic support systems on campus. I will first address a reader question that I received.

What is your favorite computer science course you have taken at Smith College? Thanks :)

That is a great question that I am unfortunately unprepared to answer as I have only taken a semester’s worth of computer science at Smith. The courses I took were How the Internet Works (CSC 102) and How Computers Work (CSC 103). (You can see a full list of my courses here). While I don’t want to perpetuate the notion of “humanities people” and “STEM people”, I do think that these introductory courses are best suited for someone curious about computer science but who is quite intimidated by it. Namely, these courses have a math designation for Latin Honors but are way less “mathy” than say calculus I. With that said, I still think the best place to start is Introduction to Computer Science Through Programming (CSC 111). Why? First of all, because you will learn programming rather than just theory. Secondly, CSC 111 is required for the major and minor whereas CSC 102/103 cannot be applied to a minor and do not serve as prerequisites for any other courses. It is worth noting that despite recommending CSC 111, I myself haven’t taken it because I was able to test out of it. While I’m sure that this wasn’t the answer you were looking for, be sure to keep an eye on the main blog for another Smithie’s response in the near future.

In terms of course registration, here is a post I wrote a few months ago. While that post was quite thorough, circumstances have definitely changed in intervening months. Specifically, you may now elect to take three courses (instead of four) in the fall and an additional full credit course during interterm. This may make sense in that it allows you to spread out your course load and to have something interesting to do during interterm. Really it just comes down to if any of the course offerings pique your interest. It is also worth thinking critically about which classes may be best to take this fall as opposed to in the spring. As building community will be more difficult this year, I more than ever would recommend enrolling in a first-year seminar. First-year seminars are great because of the small class size (caps of 16-20), varied topics, and writing focus. This writing focus is important because all first-year students are required to take a writing-intensive course and because writing is a crucial skill.

Course selection ties nicely into my most general academic advice which is to build a strong relationship with your advisor and to learn to write effective emails. This relationship is important because it will improve the entire advising experience and efficacy. You can read more about advising at Smith here. In terms of emails, they are a key form of communication between you and your advisor, other professors, and your employer / prospective employer. In addition to proofreading papers that you submit, be sure to take the time to proofread carefully anything you send via email. In terms of the format, it is usually best to start with Dear Professor Last Name. If it’s someone you haven’t communicated with previously, be sure to introduce yourself. I like to include my first and last name, class year, and depending on the context, my majors. From there explain the situation and relevant questions. If there is a deadline or key question, bold text may be useful. Effective use of whitespace (paragraph breaks) and a concise but informative subject line are also important.

In terms of actual classes, be sure to attend every lecture. College is different in that not all courses take attendance and grade participation. Obviously, if you are sick, definitely don’t attend class in person. If you are more severely ill, it may be necessary to completely miss class. Here is where effective emails and positive relationships with peers come in. This is also part of why attendance matters in the first place. For instance, say you routinely miss class for illegitimate reasons and then actually get sick. If you need some motivation to actually get up and go to class, consider the extremely high cost of tuition and subsequently high monetary value of an hour of class.

Courses vary in how/if you should be taking notes. Courses that are discussion-based may require written preparation before class, but minimal in-class note-taking. In general, if the professor is lecturing you should be prepared to jot down the main ideas. The trick is to remain present in class. Namely, learn once by actively engaging with the material rather than trying to teach yourself later from verbatim notes. In terms of paper or digital notes, I vastly prefer digital notes. But between typed and handwritten notes, handwriting is better for actually learning and retaining information. This may sound like a contradictory answer, but my solution is writing on an iPad. You can read about the technology I use in college here. I also have a few posts on how I organize in college that can be found here.

Actively participating in class means contributing to class discussions and asking questions when you are confusing. Seriously, do not be afraid to ask questions. This is key for your own learning and will likely benefit your peers as well. It is only if you wait too long to express your confusion that your question may end up being “stupid.”

In terms of homework, the good news with college is that it is fairly predictable. First of all, key dates for exams and/or papers are outlined in the syllabus. Furthermore, courses often have a repeating structure for assignments. For instance, for my physics class, we had to read and virtually discuss the textbook by class time on Wednesdays and Fridays, we had a problem set due every Sunday, revisions due the following Wednesday, and a weekly quiz on Thursday. This predictable schedule allows you to better schedule when you will work on different assignments. Task management along with a study schedule help to keep you from getting too overwhelmed with all of your assignments. You can click here to read about a few task management systems I have used.

#college #Smith College #first-year advice #academics #course registration #asking questions #homework #academic advice #bts2020 #advice

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cfiesler · 5 years ago

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the tenure-track detective agency

I tweeted about a dream, then realized it should be a television show, so I tweeted the whole first season plot. Featuring an academic who has to solve a murder so she doesn’t have to teach another class, and her librarian sidekick who is very helpful because of the research she’s done while writing Sherlock and Veronica Mars fanfiction. The whole thread is on Twitter, but copied in plain text below the cut for your reading pleasure. #sixseasonsandamovie

The Tenure-Track Detective Agency: Season One

I recently dreamed that one of my colleagues was wrongfully accused of murder, and because of the trial, could not teach their fall class. I feel like an "oh god I have to solve a murder so I don't have to teach an extra class" anxiety dream is like next level #academiclife.

S1 opens in mid-summer when a tenured computer science prof is found in his lab surrounded by simple robots testing conversational agents, busily chatting about top-voted reddit posts while he dies from blunt force trauma. The murder weapon is a dusty teaching award.

Our hero, an overworked assistant prof, is updating the syllabus for her machine learning class that just doubled in size, when she receives news that she has to pick up a section of intro programming b/c the instructor was just arrested for murdering another faculty member.

Our hero has THREE WEEKS to exonerate her colleague so that he can teach the class as planned, instead of her. Her tenure case hangs in the balance. What follows is a montage of frantic syllabus writing and murder investigation.

She visits the scene of the crime. A PhD student is frantically deleting data from a hard drive, and claims the IRB made her do it. Our hero distracts her and pockets one of the prototype conversational robots in the hopes it might have been a witness to the murder.

Our hero has a conference call with the set of brand new PhD students who will be teaching assistants to the intro programming class and informs them that their jobs start now and they need to dig through Lexis Nexis for case law about chain of custody and robots.

She visits the library and finds the librarian who usually answers questions about copyright, because she must know the most about law. Cue enthusiastic quirky sidekick, who actually doe knows a lot about murder investigation because she writes Sherlock fanfiction.

She visits her colleague in prison. She should probably be investigating the murder he is wrongfully accused of, but instead has many questions about the syllabus for his class she is now forced to teach. She tries not to sound bitter as she asks him for his slide decks.

Her colleague, clad in his orange jumpsuit and holding a prison phone, is understandably very upset about having been wrongfully accused of murdering another professor. But as she stands to leave, he calls out, "Wait! Do... do you think this will hurt my tenure case?"

She visits the detective in charge of the case. He says that her colleague's alibi for a 3-hour time period surrounding the time of murder is damning. "Who spends 3 hours answering email?" he demands. "Besides, professors don't work in the summer!" She fears this may be hopeless.

With the help of her librarian sidekick who convincingly impersonates a lawyer, our hero gets her hands on the the transcripts from the police interview of her colleague after his arrest. She assigns a PhD student to conduct a rigorous grounded theory qualitative analysis.

Word has gotten out that she is investigating the murder. Someone pins a note to her office door: "FOLLOW THE GRANT MONEY." She pulls up the dead prof's CV on his website only to find that it was last updated in 2003.

She interviews his PhD students after (out of force of habit) having them sign consent forms that detail data storage practices. None of them had seen their murdered advisor in person in years except when he mysteriously appeared to add his name to their published papers.

The librarian sidekick uses a bobby pin to break into an admin's office to retrieve grant spending records. It appears that the murder victim has been funneling funding earmarked for students and travel into "equipment." Almost $1m of invoices from a mysterious tech company.

(In case you were wondering, the librarian sidekick also writes Veronica Mars fanfiction and ABSOLUTELY knows how to pick a lock because of important research. She also wrote House fanfiction so let's hope she gets to diagnose Lupus by the end of this tale.)

Meanwhile, the PhD student has finished her grounded theory analysis of the arrest interview, and concludes (with an appropriate limitations section) that the interrogation was conducted under duress. The police officer promised to write him a tenure letter if he confessed.

Our hero buys many pizzas and puts the qualitative analyst in a room with the teaching assistants doing legal research and tells them to work on a motion to get the confession thrown out. She has to promise them they can all be co-authors on a major journal publication.

Cut to a scene where our hero spends hours answering emails from students trying to enroll in THE CLASS SHE SHOULDN'T BE TEACHING b/c they're on the waitlist but they need this class to graduate & also will she be taking attendance. Between emails she studies 18 U.S. Code §3501.

She visits a clinical prof at the law school to ask for help. You remember that this is TV so wonder if he is the obligatory love interest. He suggests they discuss 18 U.S. Code §3501 over drinks. She laughs: DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME FOR THAT. You write hero/librarian fanfiction.

She interviews more students. Admins. Faculty. They initially were shocked the murder victim got tenure, but he'd seriously stepped up his game in the last couple of years. Not just more productive research, but he spent time on his teaching! And service! And apparently... sleep!

This trend becomes more shocking when she finally visits the victim’s family. They too noticed a change. They’d seen him *more often* in the year leading up to his tenure review. Now our hero doesn’t just want to solve his murder, SHE NEEDS TO KNOW HIS SECRET.

Meanwhile, the librarian has tracked down shipments from Mysterious Tech Company not to the victim's office but to a Mysterious Storage Unit. This is a clue! They brose YouTube videos about breaking into storage units. (YT tries to show them flat earther videos but they resist.)

HOT ON THE TRAIL, our hero makes the mistake of checking her email. She has a nastygram from a journal editor who reminds her that her promised review of a paper is 1 week overdue. The murder investigation halts while she spends hours on labor for which she will not be paid.

Our hero reluctantly suggests "major revisions" even though she knows this means more unpaid labor in a few months, and then regroups with the librarian. They head to the storage unit; we discover that the librarian drives an impala convertible.

They are nearly there when our hero's phone dings with a calendar reminder; she has a committee meeting in fifteen minutes. She can't remember which committee it is, but they turn around anyway. After the meeting, she still isn't sure which committee it was.

Our hero gets a phone call from her colleague who is wasting away in prison while wrongfully accused of murder. He doesn't ask about the progress of her investigation. He's just called to ask her if she can take over some of his committee assignments.

FINALLY our hero & the librarian get to the storage unit, which with the help of YouTube videos they break into & discover... rows of gently humming servers, and also robot parts everywhere! It's very uncanny valley in there, y'all. You're like, woah is this show actually scifi.

Our hero sits down at a computer. Did you know that even CS profs can have terrible password practices? Our hero read @lorrietweet's papers so the first thing she tries is "monkey" and VOILA she is inside a private github repo. (She has an ethics-related twinge, but he IS dead.)

Our hero emails the students enrolled in her machine learning class, sends them the github repository, and offers them extra credit for a forensic analysis. This is the best service learning activity she's ever come up with.

Our hero checks her email again (WHY DOES SHE KEEP DOING THIS) and has a message from her department chair reminding her that murder investigation does not count as a service activity. ('We've already had discussions about tweeting as not a good use of your time' he reminds her.)

We're getting very close to the season finale, and there's another montage: meeting with student investigators, tinkering with robot parts, answering emails about course overloads, talking to the police, revising a journal article that is due soon, formatting a new syllabus...

Over a bottle of wine in her office, our hero and her librarian sidekick put together the final pieces by doing rigorous affinity diagramming on a whiteboard. There is one final thing to verify. They enlist one of the murdered prof's PhD students to help. This is very exciting!

She visits her wrongfully accused colleague one last time in jail to give him the good news about her findings. He doesn't listen, far more concerned with making sure that revisions on his latest journal article get in on time, so she helps him & then leaves to go exonerate him.

Our hero gathers the relevant parties: detectives, faculty, PhD students, a public defender who she forgot existed. They meet in a windowless conference room. She has prepared a powerpoint presentation. It shows a table of contents: Intro, Methods, Findings, Discussion.

She speeds through the beginning (stopping to answer a question from a prof about the sample size for the qualitative analysis) and finally gets to the point: "I have discovered that the murder victim had a dark secret. And in the process uncovered the REAL killer!"

(Her librarian sidekick cheers from the audience. She is wearing the deerstalker from her Sherlock cosplay, which our hero reluctantly refused, saying that she probably shouldn't cosplay at work until after tenure.)

Our hero continues: "Our analysis of his private github repo revealed the REAL source of increased productivity in the year leading up to his tenure case - particularly striking since he also managed to save a failing marriage. Impossible, you say? That's what I thought! But..."

"It turns out that he solved the problem of not enough hours in the day for assistant professor levels of research, teaching, and service with ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE!" The department chair nods. Artificial intelligence can indeed solve all problems.

Our hero reveals a beautiful powerpoint slide that details their analysis of the code and its conclusion: Prof. Murder Victim had programmed an AI to do all of his service and administrative work, most of his teaching, and a big chunk of his research collaboration.

From answering emails to grading assignments to delegating tasks to student collaborators to reviewing papers (ESPECIALLY reviewing papers), Prof. Murder Victim had managed to streamline his duties into the things that were most important for tenure & avoid everything else.

And he was able to do what can be so rare in some departments - have a lot of time for himself, which repaired his relationship with his family. "But then..." our hero began ominously, "he thought... why can't I create an AI for that too so I can spend more time on my research?"

Our hero gestures at the door, and in walks a PhD student with a humanoid robot in tow. It is a half-finished, uncanny valley nightmare of the murder victim. "He was murdered by his own creation!" our hero shouts, as she reveals her final slide with a list of collaborators.

There is a long, heavy pause in the room. The detective looks stunned. The librarian sidekick pulls out a flask and toasts our hero. Then suddenly, the department chair leaps to his feet and says, "HE WORKED FOR THE UNIVERSITY, WE OWN THE PATENT!"

The room erupts into a flurry of activity. PhD students start updating their CVs. The prof who teaches tech ethics immediately starts writing a paper. The department chair posthumously grants the murder victim full professor status in recognition of his contributions to robotics.

The detective quietly comes over and asks our hero for her evidence. She produces a full paper with 12 figures, 78 citations, and 17 authors. He says that it may take some time to sort this out. She says, the guy you arrested starts teaching in one week, better be sorted by then.

Our hero has approximately thirty seconds to bask in the glow of her triumph when her phone dings informing her she has a committee meeting in 10 minutes. She checks her email and 4 students are asking for copies of the syllabus for the class she's hopefully no longer teaching.

That night she receives an email from the dept chair: (1) Remember this is not part of your tenure case; (2) Our colleague has been released from jail & will resume teaching his class; (3) The ethics instructor just got a grant with a course release so you'll need to teach that.

Before she can start sobbing, she opens an email from one of the students in her machine learning class, telling her that the work they'd done analyzing that code was the most amazing learning experience of his life and can they please do more stuff like that.

After a long moment, she opens up a new document so that she can start creating a syllabus for Computing Ethics & Responsibility. She adds a sentence: "You may be occasionally asked to participate in real-world problem-solving activities as part of your grade."

The season finale ends with the librarian joining our hero in her office and producing a sign to hang on the door: THE TENURE-TRACK DETECTIVE AGENCY. It is a joke, of course. ... or is it???

If you read to the end, I feel like I should mention how difficult it is to write a story linearly while not knowing the plot and without the ability to edit at all, and also that it would make my life to see hero/librarian fanfiction on AO3. :D

And if you’re a TV exec or literary agent:

(And if you’re someone who is going to write tenure letters for me: don’t worry, I also did a lot of research, teaching, and service today. ;) )

#academia #murder #fanfiction #mystery #sherlock #veronica mars #faculty life #archive of our own #twitter #fiction

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wellesleyunderground · 4 years ago

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The Double Standard in the Wellesley CS Department: An open essay from former students of the Department

The following was submitted to us by former students in Wellesley’s Computer Science Department:

The Wellesley Computer Science (CS) Department prides itself on preparing its students to take on both the technical and social challenges they will face in their professional futures. Questions of gender discrimination in the greater CS community are frequently discussed* with the Department’s active support evident, for example, in its funding for students’ attendance at the Grace Hopper Celebration, the conference known for being the “world’s largest gathering of women technologists”. However, the treatment of the Department’s junior faculty and lab instructors (non-tenure track positions) confers a contradictory message.

This disparity is highlighted by the recent reappointment denial to Prof. Ada Lerner; the decision has surprised the student community given Ada’s status as a beloved professor, known for both their focus on teaching and inclusivity in the department, and their contributions to the field of computing more broadly. We, a group of former students of the Department, question the rationale behind Ada’s dismissal and what it indicates about the treatment of junior, or pre-tenure, professors in the department.

(*We later discuss the fact that other forms of discrimination are not consistently discussed by the department, but we do note that gender discrimination in particular is frequently mentioned, owing in particular to Wellesley's status as a historically women's college.)

A champion of all students

Prof. Ada Lerner joined the Wellesley CS faculty in 2017, immediately upon their graduation from the UW Allen School of Computer Science doctoral program, after receiving numerous tenure-track offers. Ada quickly became a favorite of students for their remarkable teaching skills, instructing students at a variety of levels, including Introduction to Computing, Data Structures, and an advanced seminar on Security & Privacy–their research area. Students frequently commend their flexible late policy, which carefully balances student mental and physical wellbeing with course content and academic achievement. A variation of Ada’s policy was implemented near universally by the Department at large.

Ada’s belief in and support for their students is further exemplified by their content delivery and expectations of students. One former student summed up their seminar course as “by far the most challenging elective I took as a computer science major, and while in any other context that might’ve been an incredibly stressful experience, Ada worked with me to make sure I could finish all the work. She by no means went easy on me, but she did give me the support I needed to finish the work.”

“She definitely doesn’t let you off easy,” adds another student, “but she gives you the support so when it gets hard, you know you can ask questions without judgment. The material would go over my head in class and then Ada would explain it fifteen different ways until I felt comfortable.”

Ada’s research area reflects the same care and concern for the experience of marginalized populations. Their research was featured in Wellesley Magazine in Summer 2019, with the article “Online Safety for All” highlighting their focus on inclusive security and privacy, describing the field as “a subfield of security that focuses on specific populations, including marginalized or vulnerable groups like refugees or LGBTQ people, as well as groups with key roles in society, such as lawyers or journalists.” Their work recently garnered a prestigious $175,000 grant for “Understanding and Addressing the Security and Privacy Needs of At-Risk Populations” from the National Science Foundation and has been published in highly selective computing conferences, including the 2020 ACM CHI conference (24.3% acceptance rate). As former students, we note that her lab is impressively staffed with students from various grade levels who often serve as co-authors on lab publications and are actively involved in a variety of projects. A student who has worked with Ada as a research assistant jokes that they feel “almost spoiled” for having had the chance to work with a research mentor who is so considerate of student experience and learning.

Outside the classroom, Ada is an outspoken advocate for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) in the Department. “Ada shows up,” one alum states. “They not only consistently attend events where students voice their concerns and celebrate their identities, they intentionally look for ways to uplift and empower marginalized student voices, asking all the right questions and putting in whatever work is necessary to aim for equity in all aspects of college life.” Ada helped lead a self-study that publicly disclosed the experiences of different student populations in the Department, with a particular focus on the roles of race, ethnicity, LGBTQIA+ identity and class, as well as the experiences of students with learning accommodations. While the results were conclusive that the CS Department, like many others on campus, had a lot of work to do, DEI efforts seemed to stall at the study’s conclusion.

Students were confused that the Department failed to implement student-facing changes the study suggested; some students noted the repeated absences of some professors and observed that some senior faculty members didn’t seem to buy in to the topic. We cannot help but wonder if some professors hostile to the DEI push led by Ada did not support her reappointment as a result of their feelings about the self-study.

All of the above leaves us puzzled by the College’s decision to terminate Ada’s tenure-track contract, making this their last year at Wellesley. The Committee on Faculty Appointments (CFA), which decides matters of faculty appointment, promotion, and reappointments on behalf of the College, handed down the decision leaving us both surprised and concerned about the integrity of the reappointment process and the potential factors affecting the decision. We note that the CFA states they make decisions based both on the recommendation of the candidate’s home department, as well as their own evaluation of a candidate’s quality of teaching, research, and service to the College. Given the information we’ve shared, we question why the College chose not to reappoint an assistant professor who is clearly beloved by students for her teaching, mentorship, support, and inclusivity.

To that end, we remind students that are bothered by the decision made regarding Ada's reappointment they can voice their concerns to the Committee on Faculty Appointments, who are ultimately responsible for reconsidering the decision. Information on that process:

You can send emails concerning your impressions of Professor Lerner to the address: [email protected]. If you want to send physical letters, they should be addressed to:

___________________________________________________________

Provost/Dean of the College

Chair of the Committee on Faculty Appointments

106 Central St

Wellesley, MA 02481

___________________________________________________________

According to college policy, your letter will be shared with Professor Lerner and the chair of the Computer Science department (Professor Takis Metaxas), as well as all members of the Committee for Faculty Appointments. You may indicate in your email whether you would like for your letter to be shared anonymously with identifying wording removed, or with your name attached. Letters may be submitted electronically as an email, or as an email attachment.

If you have any further questions about this process, you can contact Jennifer Ellis, Clerk of the Committee on Faculty Appointments ([email protected]).

Reflecting on departmental culture

We reflect on this decision in the context of the Department’s junior faculty at large; specifically, we are concerned by trends that we have witnessed as students in the Department interacting directly with junior faculty. We are frustrated with the way some of the more senior members of the department have handled the hiring and retention of faculty in general.

Junior faculty are held to extremely high standards that we believe the people imposing those standards wouldn’t necessarily have met at the same point in thei careers. Junior faculty are also much more likely to be approached by students, both because they teach many of the introductory classes that students will have taken by the time they must choose an advisor, and because their demographics are often more similar to those of the student population. While the formal advisor process has been restructured to take some of the load off the junior faculty, many are still approached for informal advice and guidance in a way their senior peers are not; it is also unclear if current tenure-track professors will have their research expectations reduced as a result of the excessive amount of advising they were previously providing. We also note that a particular source of emotional support for students – lab instructors – are mostly women and untenured, meaning that they do not have the job security that their peers do, and are not necessarily compensated for their mentorship in the same way.

We call on the senior faculty to make themselves more approachable to students, so that the load does not fall on junior faculty, who are also facing the pressures of research and teaching evaluations. There are existing models for this, including many adopted by Wellesley's own Math department, who host informal teas to build community and encourage interaction between senior faculty and students in various ways. We also note that along with Ada, Prof. Sohie Lee is a champion of D&I initiatives and has worked to implement new tutor training, yet she is one of the few faculty members of color and is technically a lab instructor, despite holding a PhD, This again reflects an onus of emotional and cultural labor on already overburdened pre-tenure and non-tenure track faculty.

It is unclear to us why the Department is both unable to hire many faculty of color, and unable to retain the faculty of color that they do hire. We question whether the environment of the Department is perceived as hostile, and, if so, what can be done to change that. We theorize that, in part, the Department's hiring practices may be exclusionary, as the majority of candidates come from a small pool of highly selective CS programs, which are already known to have a host of systemic problems that make them unwelcoming environments to both people of color and those who are not cisgender men.

Moving forward

This letter has two main goals. First, we hope to make the Wellesley community aware of the double standard in the CS department, and especially encourage the upper levels of administration to investigate the treatment of junior faculty in the department. Second, we hope to encourage members of the department to reflect critically on the treatment of their peers and engage in self-reflection with regards to departmental culture. Ultimately, we believe that it is in large part these systemic problems in the department that contributed to Ada's reappointment denial, rather than official, concrete factors such as teaching, research, and service to the CS department and College at large.

We call on those involved to truly reflect on the concerns raised here and via other fora, and to commit to measurable improvement; in short, to do better, both for current students and faculty and for those to come.

#Wellesley Underground #Open Essay #Computer Science Department

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lizziedoesvetpath · 5 years ago

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So you’re thinking about applying to residency – tips from a successful applicant

Hey guys! Nobody asked for this, but I’m doing it!!! As all my followers are probably aware, I have just gone through the process of applying for veterinary anatomical pathology residencies, and I was successful in landing one. Disclaimer: that is literally all that qualifies me to be writing this – I applied to like 13 programmes, interviewed with 3, got offers from 2, and accepted 1. Disclaimer part 2: I have made the decision to not say exactly where I interviewed or accepted for privacy reasons (there are far fewer residents than there are vet students, so I don’t want to be too easy to track down). Disclaimer part 3: Not all vet residencies do this process the same way, so remember that if you’re going through it. I know a lot of specialties use a match programme, but pathology does not, so don’t get mad at me if things don’t add up!

I’m planning on doing a series of these – this one is an overview of the process, but I also have plans for “How to write your cover letter for residency” and “Residency interviews – how scared should I be?”. Let me know if you have any particular areas you’d like me to cover, and I’ll do my best to hit them! Now finally, the advice! This is a long post, so it’s all under the cut 😊

Step 1: Do your research. From organising externship, I’d already looked into a fair number of residencies and had started to think about my priorities but I still had work to do. I ended up making a spreadsheet of all the different options that were popping up with all the information I needed to make decisions – if they took internationals (obviously very important to me), how many residents, stipends, research focuses, staff, number of cases per year etc etc. The ads posted for residency positions can be confusing because they’re exactly that – advertising – so pulling out the facts from all the flowery language was the best way to actually interpret what was on offer.

Step 2: Spread your net wide, but only if you’ll be happy. As you can see in the intro, I applied to 13 different residency programmes across North America. BUT I didn’t just apply everywhere possible. I had a few things about the programme that were important to me – some I could compromise on and others that I wouldn’t. Each of these things is going to be individual to the person, so it’s important to stop and think about what matters to you before applying. I applied to a lot of places because I really wanted to get a residency, but I didn’t apply anywhere that didn’t align with my wants and needs because an offer isn’t worth it if taking it would make you unhappy for 3+ years. This is where your research comes in handy.

Step 3: Make a reusable cover letter/statement of intent/career goals statement If you’re applying to a lot of places like I did, you don’t want to have to be writing a whole new cover letter every time, because those things can take AGES. I wrote one that explained why I wanted to do pathology and what my career goals were, with some small statements that could be tweaked to fit the programme it was going to. This saved me a whole lot of time and stress!

Step 3a: Check that you’ve made the necessary changes before sending things off. When I got tired there were a couple of near misses when I almost forgot to change the name of the school in my application letter! That would be a massive mistake and while I can’t say for sure, I would think a careless mistake like that could push you down the list. If you’re re-using materials, be very careful.

Step 4: Apply well in advance of the deadlines. This is advice you’ve probably heard a million times before, but it’s always worth repeating. Some places have complicated online application forms that can be very glitchy, others you need to post things, and other times you need to wait for a payment to go through. Hopefully your research has made you aware of these things and you have a good idea of when you need to start sending things off.

Step 5: Be patient. The process takes so long, it’s hard not to get stressed and annoyed. Putting together applications takes a long time, so be patient and kind to yourself about that. Then waiting to hear back can take a long time too. It’s really frustrating, but it’ll be worth it in the end, promise!

Step 6: Don’t get too disheartened when places say no. There are 100 reasons why a programme might turn you down. As an international student it was particularly hard this round because immigration is getting more and more difficult – often I was a perfectly good candidate, but somebody else was similar and easier to hire because the school didn’t have to struggle through the whole visa process. But other things play a role too and you may never know what those things were! You can always try asking for feedback when you’re turned down, but places don’t have to do that for you. You might have better luck with somewhere you got an interview. I talked to my mentors at my own university who were tuned into the general academic pathologist buzz – my lovely mentor was disappointed at my poor luck in the beginning so was talking to her friends and that’s how I found out about the visa thing. So I guess that’s another tip: Use your mentors and advisors for more than just letters of reference!

Step 8: Interviews. I think residency interviews are going to need a whole post on their own, so stay tuned for that!

Step 9: Be patient again There can be a painfully long wait between being interviewed and getting an answer. Or there can be no wait at all, it depends on the programme and how many people they’re interviewing! I interviewed with one school that was talking to their top 10 applicants, and they took nearly a month to get back to me. Another school was working down their list so was only interviewing me at the time, and they emailed me the offer within an hour. Hiring a resident is a hard decision, so try to be understanding when they need to take their time making it!

Step 10: Excitement or disappointment. Through this process I’ve been on both sides. Brace yourself, have a support system, and have ice cream and alcohol on hand – both are great responses to either outcome!

Congrats on making it this far down a stupidly long post. Remember to send me any questions you want answered about the application process or anything else, and I’ll add them to the list of things to write while I have all this free time!

#vetschool #residency #veterinary pathology #resident #advice #applications #so you want to apply for residency

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colesterstrudel · 5 years ago

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so i just finished up my first semester of college and things didn’t really go as planned. i got a D in a class i thought i was gonna get a C in and it’s really freaking me out. i know you’ve graduated from college and i was wondering if you had any advice. do you think retaking the class is worth it? sorry i’m treating you like an academic advisor (i did email mine) but i just thought i’d ask. you’re the best by the way, i know you have your own stuff going on and you’re still an icon ily

Omg you came to the right bitch bc I made a D my first semester of college too!!!! Lmaooooo. I’ll tell you a couple things I think about re-taking it (and also make a couple guesstimations that might be right or wrong but you can send a follow up to correct me or whatever)

Okay so. I’m gonna assume you’re taking your general education requirements? And you just dropped the ball a bit? The first step is to chill lmao. I know it’s really fuckin awful to see you’ve made a D at first but also like. It’s just one. You have time to correct it. Anyways. Here are a couple reasons you might NEED to re-take it

If you want to graduate with honors

If you have a scholarship that dictates what your gpa MUST be at the end of each year

If the required grade in the class is a C for you to take the next step/move on into classes specific to your major

Now, if any of those are true, I’d say re-take it. But that doesn’t mean sign up for it next semester. I’m basing this off the assumption that you probably take AT LEAST 12 credit hours per semester but, if you have a specific scholarship, you might be taking AT LEAST 15 hours (that’s what I had to do lmao). In that case, you’ve got a full course load already. You don’t want to re-take a class you’ve already taken and have that fuck up the amount of credit hours you’ve taken or force you to take more than you planned to account for that. Instead, take whatever you had planned to take next semester and forget about this D until you have to register for summer/next fall semester. You want to re-take this class in the summer.

I’m still running off the assumption that it’s a gen ed requirement, which means it’s most likely available every summer. Summer classes are GREAT. It’s a lil shorter of a semester but the classes are smaller which gives you a better chance to discuss things one on one with the professor OR they’re online which is even better (unless it’s a math class in which case ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS opt for the in-person class). If it’s something other than math and there’s an online option and you KNOW you can keep yourself on track with the work, go for that one. Not only does it mean you can do it at home if you’ve moved away for college but also like. All the answers and stuff are online lmao online classes are so easy. The downfall there is that the price for online classes is a lil higher than in-person classes. So like. Choose what’s best for you, of course!

All in all, I promise that D won’t ruin your life. It may seem absolutely daunting right now but truly. It doesn’t mean the sky is falling and it doesn’t mean you’re a failure.

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fairfieldthinkspace · 5 years ago

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Everything You Need to Know to Thrive in College: Strategies for Success

Dr. Emily Orlando, Professor of English

E. Gerald Corrigan Chair in the Humanities and Social Sciences

Fairfield University

• As Hamlet says, “The readiness is all.” Bring the assigned reading to class every day and arrive on time and prepared, having done your best to complete what was assigned. If students are unable to acquire the textbook early in the semester, there are resources to which they can turn (ex: library, course reserves, e-texts, etc) to avoid falling behind.

• As Mr. Rogers implores us, “Find the helpers.” There are many systems in place to help students succeed in college. These can range from the campus writing center, the counseling center, the computer help desk, the reference desk at the college library, the residence life staff, your academic advisor. The helpers want to help. Let them.

• Be engaged. Contribute to class discussion in a constructive way. Add your voice and respect the voices of others. Avoid cutting others off. It may help to think of the classroom as a kind of potluck where everyone brings something to the table and it feels awkward to show up empty handed.

• Remove yourself from distractions (human, electronic, etc), even if that means sitting closer to the front in order to focus.

• Know your professors and let them know you. Make sure your instructors know your names early on in the semester. An easy way to do this is to contribute to class discussion and/or have a conversation with them after class or in their office. Be sure you know theirnames! (Ex: if your professor is “Dr. Susan Smith” and she introduces herself as “Dr. Smith,” call her “Dr. Smith”--not “Mrs. Smith” or “Miss Smith,” or “Susan,” none of which would be appropriate.) Cultivate good relationships with these people: they want to help you. They can.

• Take notes. Ask questions that are relevant to the topic at hand.

• If you must miss class, do your best to follow the syllabus. Contact a classmate to find out what you have missed. Do not expect your professors to “catch you up” in an e-mail or during their office hours; it’s not their responsibility. If absences become excessive, review the attendance policy.

· Observe the Basic Rules of Netiquette (network etiquette). Although e-mail is a wonderful tool for communication, it is not a substitute for an in-person meeting or for questions requiring lengthy responses. If you would like your professors’ feedback on your brainstorming for an assignment, their help as you sort out difficulties in the course, it’s best to take advantage of office hours or set up an appointment whenever possible. Most of your professors check e-mail regularly and all of them appreciate when we observe the common courtesies of “netiquette” such as 1) remember you are speaking to a human being, so include a greeting and a closing; 2) avoid dashing off an angry email, as very little good comes from that; and 3) note that what we put in email could become subject to public record.

• Devices. Familiarize yourself with the classroom policy on electronic use. Resist the temptation to text or check social media during class. You can be certain your professors will see this if you do--especially if your device is “hidden” on your lap or in your book bag, etc.

• Grading. Let’s be honest: few of us truly enjoy criticism, but constructive criticism is meant to make our work better. Standards for college are different from those for high school. Each course should have its own grading criteria and many professors will make such criteria available. If you are ever unclear as to why you received a grade, or simply discouraged by the grade you received, read thoroughly the professor’s comments, re-read the grading criteria and the assignment, wait at least 24 hours, schedule an appointment to discuss the assignment and—this is key—ask for suggestions on how to improve your work for the course.

• Try to think of the classroom as a place of business. Courtesy and professionalism go a long way in both settings.Those who “sleep on the job,” show up late, leave early without notice, and behave disruptively meet with much the same response in the workplace as in the classroom; those who are prompt, prepared, thoughtful, and hard-working tend to get promoted.

• Keep private matters private. Refrain from discussing in class any special circumstances or confidential information (e.g., your grade or the grade of your classmates, your attendance, appeals for exceptions or extensions, personal/health issues, reason you do not have the assignment, etc). Reserve confidential topics for office hours or e-mail, where you can have the privacy you deserve.

• Cover yourself. Save all work in more than one place—flash drive, cloud, hard copy. Not a bad idea to e-mail yourself a copy as a back-up. Such excuses as “my printer isn’t working,” “my computer froze,” and “but I e-mailed it to you: didn’t you get it?” have become the postmodern equivalent of “the dog ate my homework” so plan accordingly. If you submit a paper outside of class, attach a brief note of explanation and check with your professors to confirm they received it.

• Stay wired. Check e-mail regularly and if you don’t check university email, forward your e-mail to your preferred e-mail address.

• Letters of Reference. Keep in mind that your instructors and mentors are the ones to whom you will be turning for letters of reference. They will be unable to write a letter of reference for a student who has performed poorly, plagiarized or cheated, acted disruptively, text messaged or chatted incessantly with their friends during class, failed to attend class, behaved in a way that was less than respectful, and so on. Stay in touch with your professors and mentors, especially those with whom you establish good rapport, after the semester has finished: send them updates via e-mail. They will be thrilled to hear from you! When asking for letters of reference, give them enough time and materials to write a good letter.

• Surround yourself with good people who share your values. Consider finding a study group or a study partner so you can motivate each other to focus on your school work. You will have a much better time socializing if you don’t have an unfinished history paper hanging over your head. It’s also helpful to observe and emulate the habits of those people you recognize as success stories (peers, mentors). Ask them how they manage to succeed despite all the distractions in our 21st-century world.

• College isn’t for everyone. College is not a requirement, and it’s certainly not a passport to a job. It’s a privilege and an opportunity to grow intellectually, socially, and professionally. It’s also an enormous investment in the future and it is not cost effective to the student who does not take it seriously. If students miss class regularly and do not apply themselves, the only apology they owe is to themselves and to whoever is footing the bill. And, perhaps, to the other folks who respect education and don’t like to see it squandered.

• Your instructors are not your enemies, nor are they your friends. They’re not in it for the money and chances are they’ve been through many of the things you’ve been through. It may help to think of them as mentors, coaches, cheerleaders—whatever helps to illustrate that they are rooting for your success and truly want to see you thrive. It is much more enjoyable for them to evaluate good work than it is to grade poor work.

• Follow your heart. Consider what Tony Hawk says: “Find the thing you love.” Don’t worry if you don’t yet know “what you want to be when you grow up:” most people switch their major field of study at least once and it’s best to follow your interests and worry less about what other people in your life want you to be. A line attributed to Oscar Wilde is useful here: “be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

In academic year 2018 - 2019, Dr. Orlando was awarded the College of Arts and Sciences Award for Distinguished Advising and Mentoring as well as the Honors Program award for “Best Professor” of an Honors Seminar. She has taught at Fairfield University since 2007.

#Emily Orlando #Fairfield University #strategies for success #letter of reference #netiquette

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collegerefs · 6 years ago

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Hiya! I’ve just finished my first year at a 4-yr college right after high school, and I feel like this college isn’t a good fit for me. Im planning to apply to transfer out this fall to other 4-yr colleges in the area, and was wondering if you have any tips or suggestions during the transfer application process? Since most people don’t transfer out of a 4-yr, there isn’t much in terms of on-campus resources for transfers at my school. Any advice would be appreciated!

Hey! I also transferred from a 4-year university to another 4-year university that I thought was a better fit for me. Here are some tips:

The basics:

You don’t have to tell your current university that you plan on transferring or that you’re applying as a transfer student at other schools. You can simply apply and, when you’re accepted elsewhere, you can notify your current institution that you won’t be returning for the following semester.

Don’t forget to file FAFSA for your new school when FAFSA opens.

As a transfer student, you can apply to transfer into a school for either the fall semester or spring semester. The deadlines vary, so make sure you check the transfer application requirements for the school you plan to apply to.

General tips:

The application process is actually pretty similar to the application process for a new student. The only real difference is the fact that you have to send transcripts from the university you’re currently attending to the schools you plan to apply to transfer to.

If you’re planning to transfer to a different university, it’s very important to keep the syllabuses from the courses you took at your previous school. While many classes have a fairly standardized curriculum from school to school-- such as intro chemistry or business courses-- other classes might not have a specific equivalent course at your new university. In the event that you have a course that doesn’t match any course at the university you transfer to, they will probably ask you for the syllabus for the course so they can determine what is the closest course they offer at their institution. If you don’t have copies of your syllabuses anymore, you can email your previous professors to see if they still have a copy.

Transferology is a good tool to see how your classes at your current university might transfer to the school you plan to transfer to.

Since you plan to transfer after only one year, this probably won't be an issue for you but keep in mind that almost all universities will only accept 60 credit hours from a previous institution.

If you have AP credit, you’ll probably have to send those scores to your new school.

It’s a good idea to get involved or in contact with a transfer student organization when you switch schools. Sometimes schools will offer a 1 credit hour course for transfer students to help them acclimate to the school. These can be boring classes, but they often have a lot of good information about organizations, honors societies, and other opportunities available to you.

Once you’ve transferred, it’s a good idea to meet with your academic advisor as soon as possible. Since you’ll be coming in at least a year later than the typical student, it is imperative that you work with your advisor to ensure that you are on track to graduate on time and will have time to fulfill all the requirements of your degree.

That’s all I’ve got for now, but if you have any more specific questions that come up let me know!

#answered #appblr #Anonymous

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realtalk-princeton · 3 years ago

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to preface: i'm autistic so social niceties are kind of difficult for me. I was wondering how one goes about cultivating a relationship with a faculty member and asking them for a rec letter? most of my academic experience has been online and i haven't really gotten to interact with professors (more so preceptors, who are overwhelmingly grad students). thanks in advance

Response from Limeade:

Please forgive me if my advice doesn’t end up being helpful, but I’ll try my best. Please feel free to ask follow up questions and clarifying questions. I’d say that you don’t need to be friends with a professor to have a good relationship with them. You need to have talked with them in a way that impressed them without looking like you’re trying too hard. Yes, for some people that involves niceties, but not for everyone. Generally, professors like to see curiosity and critical thinking. Read the professor’s research and come up with questions based on that research or thoughts that you want to discuss about it. If you come in with thoughts, frame them as a questions. For example, “I read your paper _____. It made me think ____. What do you think of that? Am I understanding correctly?”

When meeting with the professors, you can ask them how they are doing before you start the conversation. Listen, and maybe ask a follow up question. Don’t ask a personal questions. But if they say they are working on a journal article or preparing to teach a class, you can ask them what the topic is.

The transition to talking about what you want to talk about is awkward. My strategy is to say, “anyway, I’m hoping we can discuss…” and jump into the topic.

When the conversation ends (for example, this is when you don’t have more thoughts or questions and after a few seconds the professor hasn’t said anything; or, it’s after a half hour if the conversation hasn’t died down yet), you can thank the professor and say the conversation has been helpful or has given you a lot to think about.

I have social anxiety, so I don’t talk to professors that often. For me, having talked with the professor even once, as long as I also did well in their class, was enough. That said, my recs have come from small-seminar professors and my JP advisor. As a first year, I asked preceptors for recs, and that seemed to be good enough. I once even asked a professor I hadn’t talked to at all, and she taught me in a big lecture, so she just emailed me and asked me to tell her more about myself. If in doubt, do that: just email the professor and say you took their class and are wondering if they could write you a recommendation, and that you would be happy to write a few paragraphs about your interests and accomplishments.

To ask for the rec letter, you can email this with something like this:

Dear _____,

I hope you are doing well.

I was a student in your course “______.” I really enjoyed learning about _____. Right now I am applying for _____, which is ___. Because in your class I [something you did in their class] and we learned about ____, and because you and I discussed _____ in office hours, I think you would be the perfect person to write me a letter of recommendation. Would you be willing to write one for me, please? I would really appreciate it. If you can, I would be happy to answer any questions you may have and send you a resume a transcript. The recommendation is due _____.

Thank you very much,

_____

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uscdornsifeadmission · 6 years ago

Photo

My Major Journey -- Human Biology - Colleen Corrigan

My mom likes to joke that I set a record at USC for the quickest change in major upon stepping foot on campus; by the end of my first week of freshman year, I had already switched. Granted, it wasn’t the most dramatic change (biochemistry to human biology), but it was definitely the right one. I’m now one year into my studies as a human biology major, and I couldn’t love it more!

Human biology is an interdisciplinary major that blends biology and chemistry with a focus on the human body and how it works anatomically, physiologically, molecularly, evolutionarily, and more. I learn something new every day about the incredible machine that is the human body; did you know that in one hour, your heart produces enough energy to lift 3 tons of steel off the ground? Or that our body produces 300 billion new cells every day? Even if you’re not a science geek like me, it’s pretty amazing stuff to study.

In terms of what kind of classes you take as a human biology major, that’s up to you! There are four tracks students can follow, tailored to a variety of interests within biology: Applied Human Physiology, Nutrition/Metabolism, Evolutionary Biology, or Biomedical Sciences (the track that I’m on). For my “core” requirements, I take classes like anatomy, neurobiology, physiology, etc. so that I can get a comprehensive understanding of the biology of human bodies. The upper division electives are where it gets really interesting, though! I have yet to take any, but I have plenty to choose from: “Epilepsy to Ecstasy: Biological Basis of Neurological Disorders”, Genetics, and Abnormal Psychology are just a few of my options! I have a great degree of flexibility in choosing my upper division electives, which allows me to shape my own education.

While human biology is a very comprehensive major, especially for pre-health students, it also has room for minors and even double majors. In fact, after taking a “Maymester” (a 4-week course offered in May after spring term has ended, usually off-campus) for Non-Governmental Organizations and Social Change in New York/Washington, D.C., I actually ended up adding the major! My human biology academic advisor helped me create my course plan, including study abroad and my new major, to ensure that I could still graduate in 4 years. She also sends out emails to human biology majors with research opportunities, interesting events, and other advice for making the most of your time at USC. In short, if you’re interested in learning about the human body and biology in general, human biology is a great major to consider!

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fursasaida · 3 years ago

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to do listing / general whining under the cut, go about your business

DONE SINCE OCTOBER 2ND:

finished a proposal draft, which took a year. i mean that literally. i have been working on this for a year.

crossed the atlantic ocean

set up a whole little temporary life around these archives

attended 6 classes (including the associated reading, assignments, etc; for remote sensing this entailed 100% teaching myself to do a bunch of stuff in ENVI because the assignment instructions are incomprehensible)

taught 2 classes (or 1? i honestly can’t remember)

spent 32.5 hours in the archive

graded 58 homework assignments

co-organized 5 or 6 conference sessions, depending how you count.

this included at least 4-6 strategy phone calls and literally uncountable emails

it also included handholding a grown man academically senior to me through the concept of writing a session abstract

it also means me and my co-organizer have hauled somewhere between 15 and 21 people into this conference with us (depending on whether the last stragglers come through with their registrations). all of whom had to be individually followed up with, questions answered, assurances given, updates broadcast, reminders reminded.

WHINING BREAK:

5 days ago the water in the apartment i’m staying in shut off. things have. deteriorated from there. i’ve at least secured a place to stay i can go to tomorrow that will give me some breathing room in a place i can actually SHOWER and FLUSH THE TOILET NORMALLY but like, between the tail end of the conference stuff, the news that i get more archive hours, and the ramping up of classwork etc, i did. not. need this. at all. i washed my hair in a mixing bowl using bottled water today. the amount of time i have spent:

getting to the shops in time to buy bottled water before they close

estimating how much water i need for what

rationing the water i have

prioritizing uses for rationed water

like the mental tax. the energy spent. THE DEHYDRATION LMAO. the fact that “given the circumstances, i should definitely make sure to poop at UNESCO” is a thought that has now crossed my mind. lord. i still don’t even know where i’ll be staying after sunday but at least i’ll have a better chance of figuring it out.

TO DO:

reading for Race in the Middle East (naturally this is an entire fucking book, again, and probably a chapter or article on top of that)

response for RitME

annotated bibliography for final paper for RitME (i already informed them this isn’t happening so. crossed off the list)

go to RitME actual class

attend “closed seminar” session for RitME on friday (already told them i “probably won’t make it,” aka go fuck yourselves)

teaching prep. naturally i’m having my observation on thursday. of course. (i picked this week for it because i figured i’d be settled in enough after the travel that it would be less stressful. hilarious.)

(i told my mom observation was this week and she just burst out laughing. yes exactly madam.)

teach

3 more archive sessions this week

remote sensing assignment

ideally, work out what data i need for final remote sensing assignment (lol)

meeting with advisor

find new place to live for after this week

buy train ticket for next city. figure out just like. how all that works

finish making a list of what i want to look at in the next archive

fill out form for next archive, scan

send that and list to archivist

bring the fury of god down upon the people in charge of this apartment and get a sizeable chunk of my fucking money back

^this entails figuring out how much time i want to give myself to come back here and move my stuff out slowly/clean up as best i can slowly; how much cleaning i ought to do vs. leave for them because this is not my fault (i can’t! clean! without water!); how many days i want to ask for a refund for; how quickly to involve a higher authority. i tried to think this out tonight and my poor battered brain just broke.

in theory this should all happen by monday.

#sometimes you just gotta make a list to stop frantically flipping through the Tasks in your mind #to do listing

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stfranciscollege · 6 years ago

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New Student FAQs

Hi new Terriers! As you get ready to start your journey at SFC, we offer answers to frequently asked questions by our newest Terriers.

1. I was accepted to St. Francis College. What do I need to do now?

Congratulations on your acceptance to St. Francis College! You should take a moment to read through your acceptance material and check the Accepted Students webpage to ensure that we have all the required documents (you can also access this info on the SFC Mobile app). Make sure to submit the Immunization Form and final high school transcripts to the Admissions office. Sign and submit your Financial Aid Award Letter to Student Financial Services. You can also sign up for an optional Tuition Payment Plan.

2. Do I need to take a Placement Test? How do I schedule a placement test?

Most incoming students will need to take a Placement Test for Math and Writing. You can schedule your Placement Test by signing up here or calling the Academic Enhancement Center at 718.489.5226. Please note: you may have received notice that you are exempt from the Placement Test and/or invited to the Honors Program at St. Francis College. If so, you will not need to take the Placement Test. If you have a high school GPA of 90 or above you will be waived from the placement exam.

3. What can I do to prepare for my Placement Test? Y

You can find sample placement tests here:

Sample Math section

Sample Writing section

Solutions to the Math section

While these questions will not be the same questions found on the Placement Test, the topics they cover are similar enough to prepare you for when you take your Placement Test.

4. What is Orientation and do I need to attend?

All new students must attend Orientation. You will only need to attend one Orientation session. Freshmen Orientations are on the following dates:

June 19, 2018

June 28, 2018

July 26, 2018

August 31, 2018

The Orientation program is scheduled to begin at 9:15 a.m. with check-in and expected to go until 4:45 p.m. Students are required to stay for the entire day of Orientation. Breakfast and lunch (food trucks!) will be provided!

6. How do I RSVP for orientation?

To RSVP for Orientation, visit this website and complete the New Student Questionnaire. This questionnaire is important because we ask you to indicate your intended major, preferred start time for classes, and which Orientation you would like to attend. Once you submit this questionnaire, the Center for Student Success will receive your RSVP for Orientation and begin making your customized fall class schedule.

7. Why do I have to attend Orientation?

Orientation is a program meant to help new students connect and adjust to college even before their first day of class. It's a great opportunity to meet your classmates and possibly your new best friend. Students will learn about services and resources at the College. Throughout the day, students will go to sessions where they will learn about how to pay for college, how to stay safe on and near campus, and how to get involved on campus. Students receive their schedules at Orientation, and it's a great time to discuss what courses you need to take. Students will also engage in fun activities that will allow them to get to know their fellow Terriers!

8. How do I register for my Fall courses?

Incoming students will NOT register themselves for their courses. An Advisor in the Center for Student Success will work hard to build the best possible schedule based on your responses to the New Student Questionnaire. Advisors will take into account your intended major as well as preferred start time when building your schedule. Schedules are built to ensure students start off their academic careers with the best possible sequence of courses and to ensure students are on track to completing their degrees.

9. Can I see my schedule before attending Orientation?

Unfortunately, schedules and Placement Test results cannot be released prior to Orientation. Students are required to attend Orientation where an Advisor will explain the process of building an incoming student's schedule and why the combination of courses were selected.

10. What if I am concerned my schedule will conflict with personal responsibilities?

We understand that each student may have a number of responsibilities outside of school. The New Student Questionnaire asks when you prefer to start your classes and the Advisors ask that you take into consideration your responsibilities when responding. If you have work in the morning, you may want to indicate a later start to your school day. If you need to be somewhere in the mid-afternoon you may want to consider an earlier start to your day. If when you receive your schedule and you are not satisfied, the Center for Student Success will have Add/Drop days throughout the summer to allow students to request changes to their schedules. Please note: some classes do have limited availability. If an Advisor feels you will be behind in your progress by not taking a course, they will indicate this, but will work with each student to find a suitable solution.

11. I RSVP'd for an orientation but can no longer attend that date. What should I do?

We hope that when students RSVP for an Orientation date, they are able to make it. However, we understand that things can come up. If you can no longer attend the Orientation that you RSVP'd for, please contact the Center for Student Success at 718.489.3443. The Center for Student Success will work to help reschedule your Orientation date.

12. I am taking a College Now course or AP Exam/I am in an IB program. Can I earn college credit?

You might be able to earn credit if you are taking a College Now course or AP exam. If you earn(ed) a grade of "C" or better in your College Now course, St. Francis College may be able to grant you credit for that course. You will need to send an official copy of the College Now transcript with your final grade. If you are taking an AP Exam you will need to make sure that scores are sent to St. Francis College. In order to earn credit you need to receive a score of "3" or higher.

The deadline to submit any College Now transcripts and/or AP score reports is August 17, 2018.

13. Do I need to bring anything with me to Orientation?

If you still need to submit the Immunization Form, high school transcripts, or Financial Aid Award Letter, you will be able to do so at Orientation. You might want to bring your cellphone to download apps like SFC Mobile and Canvas (and snap selfies with Rocky the mascot and your new friends!).

14. Is there a dress code for Orientation?

We do not have a dress code for orientation. We do recommend that you dress comfortably. Please note: your ID photo will be taken at Orientation, so be prepared. Orientation takes place indoors and the air conditioning will be on so students will want to plan for what will help them feel comfortable. We do encourage our students to show their #TerrierPride!

15. I have decided that I no longer want to attend St. Francis College. What do I need to do?

We understand that St. Francis College may not be the right school for every student. If you decide that you are no longer attending St. Francis College, email your personal Admissions Counselor or the Admissions Office at [email protected].

16. When is the first day of class?

The Fall 2018 semester begins on September 5, 2018, but plan on attending Terrier Tuesday on September 4, 2018.

Nick Sulicki is an Academic Advisor in the Center for Student Success. One thing he likes about Brooklyn Heights is that you get the city feel without the crowds of Manhattan. It’s also a quick train ride to Manhattan if you ever need to go there!

#stfranciscollege #sfcny #orientation #sfcorientation #terrierpride

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