#and now im just feeling super upset
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watching episode 3 season 4 of superman and lois feels like watching season 7 of game of thrones aka recognizing huge cracks in storytelling as the first harbinger of absolute doom for the show but that most people cannot see and are therefore still psyched about, leaving those who CAN see it cassandras as they try to explain a narrative decline that nobody believes
#superman and lois#does this make ANY sense????#i remember the whole sansa and arya thing and the death of viseryon and baelish in season 7 driving me insane#and making me be like. oh. oh no. oh NO.#and to this DAY there are still people who think season 7 was good but everyone agrees season 8 is shit#like if people agreed to make season 7 with those glaringly obvious holes and deviations from character then#OF COURSE you'd get season 8#which is how i feel about season 4#like im convinced people at some point are gonna realize the show has gone bad and can see everybody being so upset#but we're just not there yet so meanwhile#im just screaming into the void about how lex would never kill sam lane when they established he's the only one who knows where his daughte#is#and how jonathan is no longer a real character now#and how it doesnt make sense that lex would be able to sneak up on jordan when he literally has super hearing.#dont you guys see the bullshit daenerys villain arc to bullshit jordan villain arc pipeline???#but nobody can hear me.
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need more daddy issues comfort fics with toji... ☹️
#im super upset w my f*ther#now ill try to make myself feel better by fantasizing about toji as my dad#and he'll be good to me and love me and fix me#but alllll the fics lately are just smut smut smut with no characterization nothing#i miss the good ol days :(#i miss toji#my toji <3#toji fushiguro x reader
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being autistic in fandom spaces is like really miserable because iiiiiii miss social cues a lot. and text cues i either miss frequently or interpret differently than intended. which makes me analyze characters different and need things explained of what was like. Actually meant. but sometimes people are assholes and that always sticks with me a lot more than anybody calmly explainging it to me ever will
#it's not something that's super often but it's gotten worse since rejoining danganronpa and i feel so upset#tw vent#but like its happened more often like 3 and ive only been back in here since like july guys.#and ive thought abt these instances for months.#im beinf talked down to because of a fictional character bc my disability makes me inept isnt thay insane?#isnt that insane how people think that its fine to do that? to be incredibly mean spirited over this?#and i get complaining damn it i complain all tje time but it. makes me feel like theres something inherently Wrong with me#i cant understand like everyone else and need some things explained to me#which must mean i have no place here right#this is wjy im so scared to share my works because somehow everything i do is a carnal evil for. whatever reason.#gahh just . maybe if people were nicer but thay wont happen i know that#i feel childish for beinf so uspet im 22 and cant handle how the internet is but.#fandom is my safe space#im being othered in a place i want to feel safe.#it makesme wanna fall off the grid and just leave it all alone amd enjoy in private#and id still see stuff so im not going to do thag since itd be the same scenario just now im talking to me exclusively#but ah it makes me really wanna just Leave . sucks 2 suck i guess#i dont know. ive jus been thinking this for a few months now and ughhh i so g lnow im sick and spilling my guts#micetalk#not tagging my organizational bc i fear this might start something and ugh i dont want that
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begging on my hands and knees please pb stop killing your own game its getting quiet in hereeee
#cliffnotes/.txt#whb#its like#yeah once again i get its a small company#but the way players keep dropping bc of how hostile/predatory its already gotten with paid content#im not going anywhere any time soon but man#ITS AGGRAVATING TO SEE IM SAD ABT IT#like i said when this started in like december its just#it feels like they jumped the gun way too early#no gacha is ever gonna be player friendly i get that too but like#usually they stwrt easing up on f2p content into more paid stuff later#game launched in what october? its april#only half a year and the way i keep seeing less and less is fr sad#and like ik im just a player i dont have the answer but like#if the focus switched from pay for characters to some of the other stuff that was supposed to be implemented by now#text chats/ the seraphim dungeons/ hell even the friends feature#like theres been no word on any of that and im just pulling from the promises announcement made in january#pools already feeling oversaturated for l cards#and its just. it gets real empty feeling real fast now it feels like nothing was rly. planned well if you get me#but idk#its just upsetting to see smthn dying this fast#i wanna have hope but ehhhh...#i rly do wanna wait it out bc im not like a super devoted pb fan#but i found love unholyc when the pandemic first was kicking my ass bc going from being on campus and-#being out all day with friends to being stuck at home was...tough#and the games janky but i liked the chars#same with whb#so like. augh
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Guys guys guess what!!! I'm still struggling with health issues and writing takes a lot of effort I just don't have the energy for. But some friends decided it could be fun to do a little fanfic/fanart collab. And it's just a silly casual thing so its okay that it will take me a really long time. So im gonna be working on an enby Dazai fic that will get fanart with it!!!! I'm really excited. I hope it turns out good. This will be the first project I'm working on since I went of hiatus and im worried it will escalate my issues again but im going to try anyways. Wish me luck!!!!
#crab says words#crab writes fics#anyone that remembers that post i made back in January about enby Dazai..... thats basically what the fic will be about :D#im so hyped because so many people have expressed excitement over it now#even if it takes me a super long time to be able to finish it since its a casual thing with friends i know they wont be upset with me#i dont participate in events because people get irritated when i cant go fast enough aha#anyways yeah i just wanted to share#friendly reminder that even tho im talking about it now it does usually take me several months to write a short oneshot so it will be awhile#i hope my health issues dont make it take a lot of extra time because i will feel so bad haha 😅#if i manage to do this without a bunch of issues then i will end my hiatus and continue working on the soukoku fic :)#we shall see#i hope it all works out!!
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#not really a vent - just a quick thought before i sleep but like.#i keep thinking about that post#theres no way ill find it now but the gist was that 'joy is a warning bell to neurodivergent brains'#and how when we feel joy it means we've loosened up and that always leads to a problem --#whether its getting to be Too Much or saying the wrong thing or even just getting physically loose and clumsy#but it conditions the brain to see joy as something to fear#because relaxing means we're about to fuck something up#and ive been doing so well this year keeping up with and calling people#ive felt more social lately#literally everyone has been so incredibly kind to me and i want to express how grateful i am and how much i love you all#but every time i try to i get so choked up with fear#with each wave of happiness comes one of chest-squeezing fear#im not super upset or anything (its nice to know why its happening) i just wish i knew how to unlearn it ya know 🤷♀️#thats all - time to sleep#its so late -_-#awww its my pals birthday now!! earth day birthday :') too late rn but ill text him when i get up#rose rambles
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y’all ever feel like you’re trying to diffuse several bombs while a bomb is also strapped to your chest? cause my friends are sad and angry and not feeling well so i’m trying to take care of them and cheer them up and be the comic relief and also my parents are stressed so im trying to help them calm down and do the cleaning and stuff for them so they can go relax and my dog is crazy so i have to help wear him out so he doesn’t stress my parents out more and im constantly trying not to have a meltdown and also look like im not about to pass out every time i stand up and it’s just like UGH. i can physically feel tension in the air and it’s like aghhhhhh i can’t breathe
#sort of vent??? idk i’m not upset im just stressed the fuck out#some dumbass girls in my choir thought it would be the funniest fucking thing ever to touch my neck and set things on my head#like YOURE NOT QUIRKY YOURE NOT CUTE STOP TOUCHING ME???? I DONT KNOW YOU#i don’t think they’re bullying me or anything i think they just think they’re really funny#whatever#anwyays that got me super overstimulated and i couldn’t get over it until like 8th hour which is stupid my brain sucks#and then i almost had a meltdown when the library didn’t have the book i need for ap lit (which i felt like a baby for like i need to chill#and then i had to come home and do precalc and take care of the dog and do the dishes and clear off the table#and i’m just exhausted#i’m taking iron now which is definitely helping but it’s really only making it so i have enough energy to pretend like im all good#which dont get me wrong im not complaining#and being out of the flare up is GREAT#i have more energy than i have in a year#but like…… that still doesn’t mean i have energy yk???? i still feel like shit just less#anywaysssss we ball#it’s all good honestly i’m fine now it’s just been a long day#and idk how to keep everyone happy while also keeping myself functioning#alas i shall have to figure it out#if you read this sorry lol ily <33
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Was finally gonna do art today but NOPE something weird is going on with my med school lab work and now I have to figure it out AND I also don't know if I'm even supposed to go tomorrow because I CANT REMEMBER IF I EVEN SIGNED UP but ALSO I HAVE ANOTHER LAB THATS THE SAME ONE IVE ALREADY DONE TWICE !!! You're only supposed to do a lab TWICE I am fully, FULLY AWARE I've done this lab twice but my shitty brain is being shitty and now everything sucks and of course my mom thinks I'm gonna have to re enroll because reasons completely out of my control but COMPLETELY in hers ffs if I make it through this week without having a complete mental break I'm gonna fucking celebrate
#holly rambles#sorry. im not super upset just. annoyed. aggravated#prommy im not about to cry! oof. school. if only id gone to public school id be more socially trained#i see an average of maybe . 7 people a week . as you can imagine i have now irl friends LMAO#im fine. its fine. i am going to get through this#anyway i wanna draw mikebit again hnnng. plus that zelda comic is. gonna be a while / might never be finished/ depends on how mt adhd feels
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Imalways so torn up between letting myself feel negative emotions besides anger cause I never do and being like wellllllll... it IS nearly 9 so really none of these are Real emotions so what's the point?
#gamer txt.#i think im hiding from myself again#what with my endless optimism and hope#i dont think i really beat my depression i think i mighta just covered it up really well by accident#and that the winter is not fucking helping me out here#even if i do actually have my shit sorted out which i dont but if i did then i feel like i shouldn't#im way too put together for someone with my problems at this fucking age#this is the age where i can actually like. suck ass and not being Super judged for it this is the age for making mistakes for being fucking#stupid and im wasting trying to pretend ive got everything on lock#i feel like im rushing everything#yous know i only like realised ive been masking my whole life like. this year#like Thats how hard i hide from myself! i didny even fucking realise!#but like whay the hell can i do about it now i dont ever have the opportunity to be myself#its not like i have a moment before every action where i can decide what to do its already happened and i didny have the chance to think#is 1 step forward 2 steps back meant to be like motivational in any way cause i think that might be what i go for#honestly i need to let myself make mistakes and do stupid shit and remind myself im not infallible#and the worst part about all this is that im trying so hard to not go none of these are real feelings its 9pm and winter#and knowing theres a decent chance thats actually the case#i dont want it to be the case#i dont want to the perfect quiet endless sympathy for others no attention no care required kid anymore#i want to be fucking messy because i feel like a fucking mess and everyone knows im a fucking mess and they just pretend im not#and even if all these feelings are just for right now and arent really ''real'' i know damn well ill still be upset about it in the morning#if no one reads this#because i need the attention im so fucking desperate for the attention i need someone fucking anyone to see the real me#becauese no one does! not even me most of the time!#iiii might do something stupid tonight? if i do just know please that it wasnt rash or impulsive and that ive been wanting to do it for ages#i just need to be a stupid kid for once in my fucking life
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#(( ooc. ))#.... so#if youre wondering why ive been so absent lately. ots bc im dealing with stuff like that. on top of handling everytuing around the house#and additional super stressful family drama#health scares caused by stress#the works. i feel like im a constant state of mindfuckery and i have been since we moved#thoght things would improve after getting away from MIL but apparently not#ive been so exhausted and stressed and pain has bee. spiking so bad#im really trying to be here bc writing has always been a calming thing for me like a fun distracting hobby#to get my mind off irl things but everytime i open up a reply i start crying#bc the words arent there and im too tired to even tupe bc im running myself ragged#and on top of that im dealing with hubby and whatever the f is up with him and the weird#180s he does where 1 second hes the sweetest most attentive guy ive ever known and the 2nd#im crying and apologizing for doing sometjing weong and i dont even inderstand what i did but hes upset at me#and somethings suddenly my fault#or im begging him for help around the apartment or smth#idk. i am really trying to be here i swear i am. i miss you all. i miss the stories we're writing together#i miss by bbys and wanna weite with them bc theyve been loud and active but i iust cant type what i want to#a single paragraph is taking me hours to get out no joke#idk. sprry for dumping all this on the dash out of nowhere im just kinda flailing right now and offkilter#gonna head off to bed and see if an actual good nights sleep for the first time in a week helps with my brain and makes things make sense#hope you all have a goodnight. sorry again for this#negative tw#negativity tw#venting tw#personal tw
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Whenever i start having real problems irl though it sucks and is awful it instantly erases my anxieties about anything online. Why does it matter that random internet person doesnt like me, not only are there other things to worry about but none of this affects anything. Who cares
#im 19 i should be at the club#not worrying abt this#and i was like hardcore worrying about this stuff and super upset but now i feel fine bc a traumatic event happened and i just dont care#bc it never mattered in the first place#i have very real awful things happening this isnt worth stress#(i care about the traumatic event for clarification i dont care abt internet problems)
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do u want me 2 kill that guy @ ur bfs party 4 u. guy sounds like literally the worst an I will have no issues doing it 4 u
thank you anon. i would love nothing more 💗
#i love you anon 😞 this is so sweet#YESSSS PPL READ MY TAGS!!!#but for real he’s just a weird person in general; once i was not spending lunch with my boyfriend since we were fighting and he had lunch#with his friends but our mutual friend stayed with me because usually the three of us have lunch together#but since me and the bf were fighting he didn’t want me to be alone; so it was. nice and the following day i had lunch with my other friends#and he had lunch with my boyfriend and his friends (since my boyfriend still wasn’t super happy / willing to have lunch with me)#and the same guy who was being mean at the party asked our mutual friend if ‘the backshots with lyss were good’#IN FRONT OF MY BF ??!!#like what ?!!!#he’s just a gross person but it’s okay#his hair looks like#the brown scene hair from roblox and he’s one of those stereotypical guys you see online the#omg she looks like a deftones song…. i love cats >_<!!! oh i dropped my feminist literature…. sorry….#he just made me a bit upset but it’s okay now!#im glad you are so kind about this anon; it makes me feel a lot better about the whole situation :)#i would do the same for you ; given the situation were to ever come#same with any of my followers!!!! i will fight to the death for any of you#LOL OKY enough ranting but for realsies; YOU ARE SO SWEET ANON I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH MY LITTLE BAESAUCE 🥹💗#baesauce is one of my epic vocab words; mix of awesome sauce and bae.#i forgot my ask tag uh oh#FRICK#ask!#that was so simple how did i manage to forget that#also btw if any of you ARE those stereotypical deftones + feminist literature people i’m sorry. it was just the best way to describe it#i bet you are wonderful
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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It's really stupid and petty of me but I strongly dislike Epic using Ava's model for a stupid adidas collab skin
#ミ☆ blubs#ig its just that#I always loved how her model was unique and it made her feel special to me#among the other reasons that shes super personal to me#and now it feels like shes gonna become just another model theyll use for anything#idk this is really dumb and petty#Im just way too autistic about the skins I love and this is making me feel weird and upset arghfhfhf whatever
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i have joint hypermobility and chronic pain and sometimes get migraines and have a very physically demanding job and every time i say im tired or in pain someone retorts that im too young to say that. mind you im almost 30
#i dont get super upset about it but it is annoying#like i often start bending my legs bc my knees hurt#my knees literally lock backwards when i stand so yeah they hurt when i stand all day#and ppl say 'oh youre too young for your legs to be hurting'#i! have! hypermobile! joints!!!!#i also have a recurrent shoulder pain that feels like im being stabbed with a burning nail#thats been going on since i was 12. almost daily#i have hip pain. neck pain. head pain. eye pain. im just sitting at my desk right now
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I’m feeling deeply unhappy with everything and I’m unsure if it’s due to stress or if it’s the depression
#or maybe it’s a mixture of both#:/#this has probably been the shittiest holiday season ive had in a long time#definitely not the worst. but no where close to one of the best#i just want to curl up and disappear for a while#im so tired of dealing with my partner’s mom and sister#theyre so high strung. i cant deal with it#not with everything else going on#and now i have news that my mom’s husband is having really bad medical issues to the point where#they’re discussing what happens if he dies#and im like. idk. half numb to it half super upset#i like him ig but it’s more i like him because he makes my mom happy#im mostly just upset with the idea of my mom being widowed twice#i probably need therapy for how i feel towards him since 90% of it is ‘keep him at arms length so i dont get attached to#and lose another father figure that my mom is with’#what sucks is if he does die i’ll have to do that whole funeral without my partner since he cant travel due to recovering from his own sur#gery#god. fuck. can i catch a goddamn break?#anyway thanks for reading if you made it this far lol#i just needed a moment to vent#they speak
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