#im being othered in a place i want to feel safe.

[qwimblenorrisstan]

(im back, christmas break is here!!)

tw: mentions of abuse, violence, sexism (but secondary gender), omegaverse dynamics, crying, heavy angst no aftercare (again)

The uncomfortable tension in the room was palpable as they all sat in their usual debriefing room. Usually, the nest was a place for such a personal and volatile topic such as this, but none of them felt worthy of being there now. Not with how they’d treated you.

Soap was tapping his foot against the floor, the pattern uneven and sporadic, until Gaz snapped at him.

“Could you quit it, mate?” It had come out harsher than he’d meant. Soap huffed through his nose but obliged. They were all tense and on edge, their usually oh-so-controlled scents now sour and bitter with unease and anxiety.

In the field, they had their skills and weapons to fix problems, to take out the enemy. But here, back home? They had absolutely nothing in this fight. No amount of backup or fights could win this for them. In this fight, they were the enemy, and the only way to win this was by fixing the sacred little strand keeping you together that they had so carelessly unwound until it had snapped.

Ghost looked to Price. His hand was in his beard, thoughtfully running through the hair, stressed as Ghost has ever seen him. A sour pang of guilt shot through him. If he hadn’t tried forcing you to his scent gland, then you wouldn’t be in this position, and he wouldn’t have messed everything up, again—

“Y’re thinking too much.”

Price muttered, Simon’s feelings clear through the thick scent that somehow seemed to overpower everyone else’s in the air. He swallowed thickly. They needed a plan of action, some way to fix this, and the only way Price saw things being mended was by a lot of time and effort.

Gaz let the silence simmer for a moment, before speaking up.

“Cane Baker Syndrome, I looked it up yesterday night, it’s just like the med’ said. PTSD. Do you think…?”

An alpha being abused wasn’t as commonplace as it had used to be. Only 50 years ago, if you’d stepped into the common era, you’d see alpha’s being forced to work for a family they’d been forced into providing, their protective instincts abused. Among the more insane practices had been scratching out an alpha’s scent gland, so they couldn’t scent or get attached to their offspring, meaning the omega got the child all to themselves.

Awful things such as that had been outlawed years ago, but still happened in little forgotten corners of the world where loopholes existed.

“We can’t know for sure, but based on their reaction, I’d say we have a safe assumption. When they’re in a better….state of mind, we can ask a few questions.”

Price answered, voice heavy with an edge of guilt that seemed to grow richer by the second. Soap’s incessant tapping started up again, anxiety clearly chewing away at him. He couldn’t defuse you or the situation they’d created so easily like any other bomb he might during a mission.

“Could we get a background check on them?”

He asked, a hint of desperation in his tone. All he wanted was for you to be better again, for things to go back to normal, for a second chance.

But as they all split up, and he went to the nest, usually all so warm and comfortable and smelling of their sweet, rich scents combined, all he found was isolation among his team, sour scents mingling with rotten ones, a few sniffles and the salty scent of tears, he knew one thing.

They’d made their bed. Now they had to lie in it.

(sorry for the short part I’ve been playing cod bo6 multiplayer a lot and I’m kinda addicted + depressive episode, but there’ll be more soon I promise!!)

Part 1 | Part 2 |

[sharpth1ng]

stu spooning billy and my heart breaks a little. billy spooning stu and im absolutely destroyed💔💔💔❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️💔💔💔(im very emotionally confused idk whether to sob or be happy😭)

Yeah, theres something so tender and important about sleeping with someone in the non-sex way.

Sleep is so vulnerable and revealing, and Billy in particular wouldn't take that lightly. Even more-so the act of letting someone hold you from behind like that, covering your back, restraining you if they want to. It's a massive show of trust for him to let Stu spoon him.

At the same time, Stu is the person he trusts the most in the world and he's a fairly paranoid person, having Stu cover his back physically makes him feel safe (in a way that he cannot admit). In Billy's own room I picture his bed positioned lengthwise against the wall, tucked into a corner. He sleeps with his back against the wall because any other position leaves him on alert so he can't sleep.

(Billy's bed from one of my drawing, placed in the corner of the room)

In contrast Stu's bed is positioned like this:

(Photo from the house used in the film)

The head is against the wall but the sides are unprotected, Stu doesnt need to feel guarded in order to fall asleep. If he's having trouble sleeping it's because his brain wont shut off and he sleeps better with Billy there because Billy's presence gives him a comforting sensory experience. The smell of him, the feeling of his skin, the sound of his breathing; in a very ADHD way Billy gives him the kind of stimulation he needs to calm down.

On the other hand for Billy the act of spooning Stu, being the active participant by reaching out and holding him is a blatant show of desire that he would find somewhat terrifying. It requires him to both reconcile with himself the fact that he wants to hold Stu in an entirely non-dominating way, and also to be brave enough to show that desire externally.

That can feel like a massive risk, and even when desire is reciprocated it can be hard to fight your own internalized judgments and self-perceptions.

All of this comes easier to Stu, who shows his desire a lot more confidently, but I think he knows how complicated that is to Billy, which makes it meaningful when it's reciprocated. Overall though don't think Stu cares if he's the spooner or the spoonee, he just wants the contact. That said i think he spoons Billy a lot more often because he initiates it more often.

[numberonetacostan]

hi shrimpy here ! im begging you to ramble more about the mephone telling taco about their programming because i wanna know how people like pickle and mic and mepad (lets pretend he's here ok ? ok. im coping) wpuld react to the " taco was meant to win " + " she was meant to have redemption arc " thing :3

Hiya Shrimpy!!!!!^^ Welcome back, AND THANK YOU FOR ASKING FOR MORE RAMBLES ABOUT TACO BEING BUILT TO WIN AND FINDING OUT AND AAAAAAAAAAAA (((o(≧▽≦)o)))

Before I get to how Pickle, Mic, and Mepad react to the news, one aspect I didn't mention in my previous rambles!!! Upon finding out, Taco glitches out!!! In the same way that Knife and Suitcase did while they were with Cobs. She's so shaken, distraught, angry, despondent, that it affects the core of her being enough to start glitching her. She'd probably stay a tad glitchy for quite some time. It would get better as she does, but that would take a while, and I'd imagine she's always a tad glitchy when the subject gets brought up.

We're going to start with Mepad because I love him!! And because I have two options for him- one that's uh. in line with canon and one in which he's alive!!!! So, in line with canon, he unfortunately isn't really there to help Taco through this. He's dead :(. But!! I subscribe to the train of thought that Mepad's body is kept in the Gemory Cave, as it's a place where his body will stay safe and dry, as well as being where he woke up for the first time. It's full circle and makes me want to cry because I miss him. My own yearning aside, I think Taco would go to see him. She has reconnected with Mic by now, and was working on changing and building new relationships before she found out the news (I definitely think there's... not exactly a regression from her, she doesn't go back to being villainous, but her social progress is so very stalled and her emotions are all thrown out of whack and into a meat grinder again, yeah?), but Mepad is the one she's really managed to open herself up to, yeah? She feels safe doing that with him, talking honestly to him with her walls down <3!!! So she would go to him. Even if he can't answer her, give her advice, soothe her, he's still there physically. She would spend hours ranting at him, sobbing, shouting, getting the emotional relief that she's only ever been able to get with him.

Living Mepad on the other hand? Well, his immediate attention would be on Taco and trying to help her, especially once she starts crying and/or glitching. He'd probably be the one to snap her out of her spiraling here, getting her to slow her breathing at least somewhat, but he would also respect her wish to be alone when she expresses it. He would not let Mephone get close enough to try and stop her like he did in my previous ramble, so she could simply walk off to lock herself in her room. He would definitely go after her soon after, especially after she becomes rather... loud, in her agony, but first? Mephone. We all saw Mepad in episode 17 after Mephone reveals the truth of their origins to most of the cast. Mepad was angry!!!! And to think that Mephone, knowing he had made her to be the way she was and that her programming was more or less malfunctioning, still didn't want to recover her? Was fine to leave her to her suffering? Someone so personally close to Mepad? Who he has more insight into the suffering of? Mepad would be downright furious. He's got a pretty cool temper, from what we've seen, he wouldn't be shouting at Mephone exactly, but he would firmly and immediately be asked to leave. Mepad would prioritize Taco's well-being, of course, and be so very soft with her, but on the inside he is so pissed. The second chance Mepad had given Mephone has long since been ruined, but this? Mepad and Mephone are so so so so divorced. They were never married but they are so very divorced.

Mepad would be so important in helping Taco heal, though. He's already an incredible thera-pad anyways!!! And hey, she may not have gotten the redemption arc she was supposed to, but know they know it was supposed to happen, yeah? She is undoubtably capable of being better!! And he'll be with her ever step of the way <3.

IF HE WASN'T DEAD *dissolves into wet sobbing*

Well this is getting long lol. Onto Mic!!! Uh. She would also be pissed at Mephone but prioritize Taco!!!! When Taco runs out because she needs a moment alone? Yeah, Mic already displays a habit of saying some really hurtful things when she's upset, Mephone would get kicked out a lot harsher. And then Mic would protect Taco with her life actually. I can see Taco having a pretty nasty depressive episode after finding out, but Mic would so be there to take care of her, make sure she eats, get her fresh air even if that's Mic scooping Taco up and carrying her around outdoors for a while. Mic would feel so very bad for her. This is a bit of a tangent, but I honestly don't have as much to say about Mic beyond her glomping Taco with so so much love and support, because I truly think that's her most prominent reaction. She might lay awake a few nights, thinking about how things between them could have been different had Taco gotten the life she was supposed to, but they're back together now and Taco is changing and that's that. (Also, if she realizes that losing her was the reason Taco was finally able to break from her programming, her heart would fill with so much love for real. Taco really cares so much for her, even if she can't always express it the right way.) Anyways, I think everyone would feel pretty bad for Taco. Between her reaction, her having lost pretty much everything she was supposed to have for something that wasn't really her fault, the relatable struggle they all have with going against their programming? I can see most of if not the entire cast being a lot lighter on Taco after this. It's okay for them to be too, she'd be even more fearful and cautious of backsliding than she already is post-canon, which is a lot!!!!! So, yeah, lots of forehead kisses, hugs, and warm cups of hot chocolate for Taco from Mic <3.

On to Pickle!!!! ...hoo boy. Well, for obvious reasons he isn't part of the initial Taco Support Gang, but he would still have a lot of thoughts!!! Particularly on the part in which Mephone had planned him and Taco to actually reconcile and be friends again. Because forgiving someone isn't really something you can always choose to do, yeah? You can give them grace, yeah, but there can still be a lot of hurt inside that never really goes away in a way that would really let you forgive. Even if he was supposed to forgive her, he can't. And that's okay!!!! But, as I am adamant on and have stated in the past, he wouldn't like to see Taco suffer. He! Is! Not! That! Kind! Of! Guy!!!!! He'd feel pretty bad hearing her sobbing through the walls and seeing her in a depressive episode!!!!! It brings him no joy or satisfaction!!! I think he and Taco might have a little one on one talk, in which Pickle could repeat some of the advice that Knife made to him, yeah? Can't change what happened, but dwelling on it forever and never trying to move on will just leave you stuck in your misery. And then a gut-wrenching (at least for me with the incredibly vivid scene of this i have in my mind. i think im hyperphantasic but thats not what we're talking about rn) little "I'm sorry" "I know" discussion. Augh. They part on better terms than they were before, but there's still a hollow sense of loss to it. What could have been, what should have been, will not be.

Let me know if you have any more questions!!!^^

[spinecurlingmice]

being autistic in fandom spaces is like really miserable because iiiiiii miss social cues a lot. and text cues i either miss frequently or interpret differently than intended. which makes me analyze characters different and need things explained of what was like. Actually meant. but sometimes people are assholes and that always sticks with me a lot more than anybody calmly explainging it to me ever will

[lovelyrotter]

can ppl in this fandom like... stop... implying that transmasculinity in hcs or (especially) canon is shallow or misogynistic or even transmisogynistic on princible, like literally just by being prescent in someones mind or in the text. like that doesnt fuckin feel good. thats kind of really nasty to imply. if its not okay to say about other trans experiences, maybe dont say it about this one either. why is there a weird little exception here. yall KNOW how much that sucks to hear all day every day. what the fuck

[persy-r-bozo]

[tpup]

having such an absolute shit time which is horrible because I had put so much effort into making this week bareable only to be fuckin stranded in the worst place I could be rn because my health was so bad I couldn't leave i feel so fucking bad and helpless and fated to having to suffer over and over and over

[nabaath-areng]

Being brought up on a farm and only ever going back indoors to head right back out again for my whole life, the decreasing amount of insects has been extremely noticeable and it's been going on for years. Of course it's been worrying with the climate catastrophe, and once I became a beekeeper and learned more about my village's local flora it became even more glaring.

So imagine my surprise this year when there are more insects than I can count. Sitting on my porch (practically my room during summers) I'm noticing species I haven't seen since I was at least a young teenager, and there are more butterflies of different varieties than I even remember from my childhood!

There are so many bees flying around too, probably from the hives down by the old homestead buildings by the church and school, owned by the woman I know from the local beekeeper's association.

What's more is that this year there has been no drought OR flooding, so there are a lot more flowers blooming for longer, and everyone in my village as well as the surrounding villages are reporting a burst of activity in their hives... as well as higher activity from the wild bees and pollinators. For the first time in years it's starting to resemble the way it was when I was younger.

All that is to say, the climate catastrophe is real, and in my area it's causing a lot more violent thunderstorms... but oh my god all this reminds me why I persist despite the despair that tries to dig its claws in.

I may not be able to do major change on a global scale, but you can bet me and everyone here will at least try and support this little place. We can keep going in the fight against the municipality that wants to urbanize at the cost of our precious biodiversity, and we can continue to fight to keep out the cities that tries to enroach on us and get closer.

It is rare for villages in Götaland to remain this free from urbanization despite being nestled right in the middle of multiple major cities, and there's no excuse to destroy what little there is left of it down here in the south.

[suffercerebral]

me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects

[savage-rhi]

.Magenta.

[capyclub]

.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Daily Log 9

Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.

Activities: Worked on the previously mentioned tapestry style painting thing for like 5-6 hours today (with a few breaks in between), and that's just for the border around the main picture lol.. I think all the little sections and detail always take longer than I think they might. But hopefully the final product will look interesting! :0

I feel like I'm entering another Sick Phase where I just am weird/ill/sleepy/having joint pains much of the day (probably some vitamin deficiencies or hormone imbalances or general bodily inflammation or whatever nonsense seems to randomly pop up from time to time lol), so couldn't focus on anything more intensive like writing or editing videos, unfortunately. It's good to have smaller crafts I can do that don't take much mental effort and are just menial hand tasks (like carving, painting, sculpting, etc.), but I still always feel frustrated falling behind on the things I see as much more broadly significant to my overall life and potential career (making games, writing, finishing videos, socializing, costumes, etc.)

Organized my desk a little. Responded to some doctor emails. Paid bills.

Planned out something I might make with pressed flowers tomorrow.

Edited like 4 costume photos.

Also have a lingering sense of dread due to the weather. The heat often makes me feel terrible, and if I'm already in kind of a Bad Phase at the moment, I'm afraid of it making it even worse... stimky..

Which I know these temperatures are nothing to some people but.. to me... aUGHHHH... I am abnormally heat sensitive + live in a dinky old apartment with no ventilation that gets direct sun the hottest part of the day.. on a 90F day outside, it literally gets about 84F inside.. like.. even people who love the heat I feel like would struggle to sleep at night if their bed is 85F lol... hewwo.. You can spray yourself down with water, drink ice water, put a fan on yourself, etc. etc. but.. sometimes it just feels so oppressive and inescapable..

ANYWAY. Aside from painting, feeling weird, and dreading the upcoming heat/contemplating my entire life and how to get enough money to move to a different climate somehow one day/existential exhaustion/etc., I didn't accomplish very much lol

Spent maybe 30 minutes thinking about a little more worldbuilding stuff, and some things in reference to the game I mentioned resuming work on at some point.

Notable sights: The clouds were really pretty and pastel this afternoon, and some stars are visible in the sky for once since the nights are beginning to be clearer. The 'forget me not' flowers that I thought had died after transplanting actually seemed to be perked up and healthy looking today, and perhaps may actually survive. >:3

Goals moving forward: Do new poll adventure post. focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with the ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc. Do the new costumes I've planned. MAKE SCULPTURES at some point, I miss them.

Notable foods: Not much, kind of a warm day so didn't really want to use the oven. No idea how I'll handle the diet I've been put on by my doctors (involves usually cooking all food fresh, using the stove a lot, nothing is supposed to be canned or processed or premade, so that eliminates a lot of 'quick easy simple warm weather' meals, etc. etc.) during the heatwave. I might just have to break the diet a little and hope it doesn't give me stomach pains while I'm already hot and feeling sick lol..

I did have a boiled egg with some green onions on top, which is very simple but was refreshing somehow lol. Another ice cold ginger ale treat today, and some cold prune juice (which I know most people find gross/it's an old person food/etc., but I like that it's a smooth textured and not very sweet juice? Like it's slightly thicker than apple juice, has a lightly bitter taste, etc. I just find it nice for some reason. More evidence I am secretly an 85 year old wizard)

[howljenky]

I actually don't know you, I just came across your blog from my notes, so I have no prior info: in your description you said to talk to you about your comic - mind telling us a little bit about it? Whatever you want to share / are excited about / proud of etc! And again, I don't know anything about it so I'd love to hear truly anything :)

Hope your day is going nice, and if it isn't I hope it'll start to go nice from now on!

Hi ty for the ask thats rlly sweet :3

Rn I'm in my last year of art uni and I've been working on a small comic book for the past few months, tho im actually really shy to Post my art so thats y theres like nothing ab it anywhere yet. It a little romance story mainly focusing on a lesbian bar and a relationship between my ocs Robin and Vic! Its rlly slow paced but im trying to write it in a way that allows me to speak of workplace inequality, bar culture, butchfem culture, friendship and loss and community and being lonely and getting used to not being lonely anymore.

Tbh its been so hard to develop it since its like my first work that of this size (it has like 32 pages) and rn i have done 12 pages out of it that consists in the meetup of the two characters and the relationship building between them, and I gotta start thinkin from now How i want to post this up on the internet and where, cuz i rlly would want ppl to see it but idk what would b the best way to go ab it... so if someone that read till here has some tips or smth feel free to tell! I would love a little help on that part

Here s also a little illustration ive done for them two, it was mainly done just to get into the feeling and enviroment and atmosphere of the comic + a planner page ive done just to get their personalities and bodies familiar with myself! I really have come to really care ab these two ocs in the past 4 months or so in which ive developed them tru sketches and writing tbh so im rlly nervous and excited to share them here.

Im rambling now tho, more in tags, ty anon <3

[grantihare]

mother in law stole my fave pj pants cant have shit in this house

[endlessfuckup]

not a phan-blog anymore but I felt like this needed to be recirculated again

just gotta say the speculation into dans gender is really sad and hurtful to see. it genuinely bothers me that people really saw everything this man (and trans people) had to go thru over the past decade and said

"lets try that again but even worse this time!"

-

i have personally gone thru this kind of invasive speculation; being harassed into publicly answering questions i didn't even get a chance to ask myself.

every outfit. how my hair looked. the way i sit. how i carried myself. what my interests were. my sexuality. what position i prefer in bed. everything. everything was used to prove or dispute any speculation about me.

it was extremely traumatic, painful and scary

i wound up being forcibly outed and put into serious danger over stuff like this.

Please Stop

people can cross dress or be androgynous and still be cis/binary. and that is okay.

[itsalwaysdark]

and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do