#NO i dont want to hear about how you did relate then found “the one(s)” that doesnt make me feel better sorry

[autisticlee]

I hate when people tell me "friendships don't last/will change over time and fade away" and say I need to get used to/accept it. maybe that's easy for YOU. but most of these people also have committed partners that they expect to stick with for life. why can't I want that too? as an aroace person that needs to rely on platonic relationships to get the support and connection I need to thrive in life, and as an autistic and disabled person that needs consistency and routine and security and constant support to feel safe and comfortable to thrive in this society, telling me "people come and go/friendships aren't forever" REALLY HURTS. it feels awful. it makes me feel hopeless and even more alone. makes me feel like i'll always be drifting through life with no support and alone forever until I can't survive anymore because I *need* help and support and consistent companionship to live a healthy and stable life!

being aroace, I don't have the benefit of getting a partner to fill the gaps a lack of friendship leaves. I have no one to turn to when my friends disappear from my life or betray me. I have to rely on these unstable/inconsistent/short-lived relationships. it's not sustainable and makes my life extremely hard and scary and hopeless. so telling me it's "normal" and I should "get used to it" doesn't do anything for me when I need it to last for more reasons than everyone else uses friends for.

I know it's unfair/wrong to "trap" someone into a committed platonic relationship that makes them feel like i'm "trying to date them" (ive had this accusation thrown at me before, then the person ghosts me after) but I really do think I need a committed platonic relationship. one that lasts and one that's two way and secure and consistent. no one wants to offer that though. they save it for their romantic partners only. the sad reality is, romantic relationships are always going to be placed above, and even replace platonic ones. leaving me, an aroace who needs those discarded platonic bonds, out of luck and left out. forever alone, as the old tumblr meme once went (which i'm sure 99% of those people who used the meme are now i'm committed relationships and/or have at least dated a few times)

I know, i'll be told I need a "queer platonic relationship" but that's not as simple as going shopping and picking one out. I dont even know how you get one! that's as much of an enigma to me as dating and making friends! getting a platonic friend to commit to you're friendship for life and be your life partner and not drop you for no reason, as soon as they make a new best friend, or as soon as they start dating? sounds more impossible than simply making casual friends I can convince to play a video game with me once a month (im lucky if they give me time once a year.....or 3)

i've tried establishing with certain people I feel comfortable with and get along with well that I want and need this type of "qpr" but they either mistake it for asking them to date, are afraid of commitment and ghost me immediately, or slowly start to push me away and decide their new friends are better. so it's not something I can just "get" from any friendship i'm finding. i'm not even sure exactly what it would look like. the best I can use to describe it is the found/chosen family trope where a two or more people come together to form a family where they help and protect each other and live together for life. they don't date. they are more than friends. they are a family and need each other and rely on each other and it stays like that. but that often feels like it can only happen in fiction. real humans aren't like that.

however, i'm told by other chosen families/best friends/people in qpr that it is possible. so then comes the dreaded "one day" they all tell me about. (I don't want it one day I want it NOW. i'm living in the present not the future!) so I have a vague idea of what I want/need, but not what it actually looks like, how to find it, where to look, or how to cope without it. I need more than a couple friends I see and talk to once i'm a while. I need more than a group chat. I need more than someone I get coffee with every weekend. I need a roommate, a forever bond. someone I live with and have separate lives from, but also share our lives together at the same time. the perspn who supports me when i need it, the person I support at all times. but someone who doesn't expect romance and sex. someone who isn't looking for "something better" and using me as temporary filler until they get better friends or a partner. someone who doesn't give up and run away from commitment. someone who wants to stay in my life for the rest of life. someone who puts me first and is committed to me as I am to them.

a life partner, or small family group.

but so far I've just been stuck on my own and I dont have the patience or energy to keep waiting 30+ more years for this "one day" to come and I don't have any options to make it come faster....RIGHT NOW is more important and i'm struggling in the present.

sometimes being aroace really sucks....

[hogwartslegacyreactions2]

HEYY!!

Just found your account and spent maybe a little too much time scrolling through the content here (i dont have a problem what are you talking about)

I was wondering if you could do the students (and possibly teachers) reaction to MC accidentally calling Fig dad?

c:

A/N: awwww yes! Father Figure Fig is best Fig!

HLC REACT TO MC CALLING PROFESSOR FIG "DAD"

MC was having lunch with their friends in the Great Hall. Professor Fig stopped by to give them a library book they needed for study. He had checked it out before them and promised to give it to them at the earliest convenience.

He sets it down next to MC and gives them, and their friends, a polite wave before walking away. He did not want to interrupt their conversation. As he steps away, he hears MC say "Thanks, Dad." behind him.

MC: They had a mouthful of food when they noticed the book and Fig. They wanted to thank him and hurriedly swallow their food to say so before he was too far away. They don't know where the dad part came from. They don't call anyone dad. It was entirely accidental. Their cheeks flush red with embarrassment and they wanted to disappear.

SEBASTIAN SALLOW: He raises an eyebrow. "Didn't know you two were related. Isn't he a bit old to be your dad?" He laughs at MC's fluster.

OMINIS GAUNT: "Shut up, Sebastian. It was clearly an accident. They've never mentioned parents before." He goes back to eating.

ANNE SALLOW: She kicks Sebastian under the table. "Fig can be their dad if MC wants him to be. He's one of the nicest professors at Hogwarts."

IMELDA REYES: She snorts at MC's freudian slip, and joins Sebastian in the taunting. "Bet that's not the first time they've done that."

NATSAI ONAI: She doesn't get what's so funny. If MC sees Fig as a father figure, they should be free to express it.

GARRETH WEASLEY: "Ha! You called Fig, dad. That's funny. Are you going to tell your real dad about it? ... Do you have a real dad?" He realized he never asked if MC had parents. The subject just never came up.

LEANDER PREWETT: He actually did a spit take from how unexpected MC's response was. Don't get him wrong, Fig is a good professor, but dad? Seems a bit much.

AMIT THAKKAR: "Out of all the professors here, Fig does make the most sense as a father figure. At least to you specifically, MC. He was your introduction to Hogwarts, was he not?"

EVERETT CLOPTON: He takes off his glasses and wipes off the pumpkin juice from Leander's spit take. He completely missed what MC said, so he's just annoyed that Leander sprayed him.

POPPY SWEETING: She laughs at Leander and Everett more than MC and the Slytherins. The whole situation didn't really phase her, she was just enjoying the vibes of the friend group.

ELEAZAR FIG: His heart. Oh, sweet Merlin, his heart. He didn't want to make a scene in the Great Hall so he kept walking like he hadn't heard them. When he thinks he's out of line of sight, he clutches his chest and nearly cries. Even if it was just an accident, he was overcome with emotion.

MATILDA WEASLEY: She and Mirabel were in the Great Hall's antichamber when Fig came out and clutched his chest. She thought he was having a heart attack. When he explains, she sighs with relief and shakes her head with a smile. MC and fig were practically inseparable, so this didn't surprise her too much.

MIRABEL GARLICK: She was ready to run to the hospital wing with Fig when he explained his situation. She's so happy for him. It makes her happy when a fellow professor does such a wonderful job with the students that they truly see the professors as parental figures more than just teachers.

[scaredpigeons]

More than some stress relief

Blade x Stelle NSFW 18+ MDNI

CW: Stelle asks Blade to spar with her, and unfortunately that results in some unresolved sexual frustration, because c’mon, he’s still a whole ass man. Luckily, mama Kafka steps in to lend a helping hand. (Not her literal hand, she just buys the toy lol) phone sex, mutual masturbation? The fleshlight blade uses is connected to Stelle through the (magical) necklace that was part of the set. (Magical) creampie.

WARNING: Blade is very violent in his descriptions of how he threatens to bone Stelle. If you’re uncomfortable with him saying things along the lines of: —until the carnage is unrecognizable, —until you’re nothing but hot pulp running through my fingers (just to paraphrase loool) please do not read this. Blade is a very broken man, I was really trying to play off his more violent tendencies with this one. Stelle is so fuckin down bad tho (relatable)

If you are 18+, comfortable with some gory descriptors, and willing to read, please continue! Enjoy.

——————————

🐺👾: you want to…. Spar with blade? Are you a masochist or something? Should I be concerned? 

🦝🗑️: shut up 

🦝🗑️: I have this crazy lance and I don’t really want to hurt anyone by practicing with it 

🦝🗑️: I know he’s got that healing thing going on 

🐺👾: 👀 …. 

🐺👾: I’m telling him you called it that 

🦝🗑️: DONT U DARE 

🦝🗑️: JUST PLEASE ASK THE MAN IF HE CAN SPAR WITH ME WITHOUT KILLING ME 

🦝🗑️: AND DON'T TELL HIM IT'S ONLY BECAUSE HES WEIRDLY INDESTRUCTIBLE 

🦝🗑️: I don’t wanna like, offend him or anything. Obvi I don’t want him to get hurt, but like, the off chance I slip up with this thing… he isn’t gonna get murked. You know? 

🐺👾: okay okay I get it, I’ll ask 

🦝🗑️: 😩🩶🩶💯🔥

🐺👾: he agreed. Here’s the coordinates. Have fun, don’t die. 

————

“Thank you for agreeing to this, I really appreciate it!” 

The man in front of Stelle says nothing, only stares as the winds coming off the water pick up loose strands of his hair, making the inky strands flow behind him. 

“You… remember me, right?” Stelle tentatively asks. 

Still nothing. 

“It’s okay if you don’t, we don’t even have to go through with this, I just thought you would be the best person for what I’m—“ 

“I remember you, Trailblazer. My mind is not so far eroded that I’d forget you so easily.” 

His voice is dark, just as raspy as she remembers it. She has to clench her teeth to suppress a shudder. If March could hear her thoughts, she’d blush and squeal, smacking her arm in scandal. If Dan Heng could hear her thoughts… he’d institutionalize her immediately. 

This man is dangerous. Incredibly dangerous. Stelle had to lie about where she was going just so no one would try to talk her out of it. 

Danger always pulled at something inside her though, that nasty, deranged thing inside her that craved violence and adrenaline. She figured it was a side effect of hosting a stellaron inside her body, but man— did this guy make her wish she could have something else inside her body too.

 *Wink wink*

Aeons. She’s such a fucking simp. If it wouldn’t make her look bat shit insane, she’d smack herself right now just to get her shit together. 

“Oh…” she said instead. “That’s good. I’m glad.”

An awkward pause lingered between them, and she found herself thinking that maybe she was standing a bit too close to him, despite there being at least two feet between them. 

“Are you… doing well? The last time I saw you, Kafka was… helping you feel better.” She said hesitantly. 

It could’ve been her imagination, but she swore that the furrow of his brow softened ever so slightly. 

“We’re not here to discuss such trivial matters.” His voice was harsh nonetheless. 

“Right, right.” Stelle said, scratching the back of her neck sheepishly. “So, how do we do this?” 

Blade summoned his sword, dragging his fingertips across the edge before spreading the tainted blood across the flat of it, causing the cracked blade to glow and radiate with unnatural power. 

“It is not your time or place to die here, so luckily for you, I will show restraint.” 

—————

Stelle could tell Blade was holding back, true to his word. 

Any flames she created were either quelled by his winds, or overfanned by his elemental power to the point that they grew too dangerous for the environment around them, or even Stelle herself. 

She found that with her control over the lance, she could call forth and dissipate her fires at will, so the damage to herself was minimal. 

She worried that if the flames grew too large, she’d lose control over them— but every time, she willed them away and they would flicker out, leaving charred shrubbery and stone in their wake. 

Didn’t mean they weren’t hot as shit though.  

The first time she’d used the lance, the freezing temperatures of Jarilo XI dulled just how hot her new weapon could become. 

But now, well she couldn’t tell if her sweat was from the flames or just how hard her opponent was pushing her. 

He was toying with her, clashing together brutally before jumping away and circling her like a hawk. 

He was resistant to her taunts, though keeping up with him left little room for her to pause long enough to think of something to say. 

He seemed completely at ease though, the violence in his eyes and the murderous grin doing nothing to help the degenerate part of her brain that was screaming and crying and throwing up at the opportunity to observe him like this up close, without Dan Heng around to make her feel guilty for admiring this man so much. 

Her arms grew heavy, and she’d not even made him sweat, let alone injure him in any way. 

She knew that the lack of true danger was causing her to remain at a reasonable power level, flash backs to the Herta space station incident making her shudder. 

She was really no match for him in this kind of situation. 

He lunged for her again, and this time, she was too tired to react properly. She parried his strike, but missed the signs of his next move, getting her feet swiped out from beneath her as he tackled her to the ground. His sword stabbed into the dirt just beside her head as he landed on top of her, effectively straddling her as he pinned her with his intense gaze. 

Her eyes flitted back and forth between his as her breath heaved in her chest, her heart racing as she struggled to right herself after being disoriented so badly. 

Something in his expression shifted, and instead of murderous amusement, his gaze seemed… hungry. 

He leaned closer, ever so slowly, and continued staring at Stelle so intently it made her do something so embarrassing she knew she would never live it down. 

She whimpered. 

His eyes widened for a fraction of a second before he was gone. 

He pulled away from her and disappeared within the same breath, leaving her lying there in the dirt as she caught her breath. 

She ran her hands over her face. “Well fuck.” 

—————

🐺👾: what did you do to him? 

🦝🗑️: ??????? 

🐺👾: last week. When the two of you sparred, did something happen? 

🦝🗑️: ….

🦝🗑️: why 

🐺👾: ever since he got back he’s been fucking pouting. 

🐺👾: well, I mean pouting in the way that blade does. It’s more of a scowl than anything else, but I’ve known him long enough to differentiate between his various types of frowns. 

🦝🗑️: … nothing happened. We fought. I lost, obviously. But no one was hurt or anything. 🙃 everything’s totally normal 

🐺👾 added Kafka🕷️💕 to the chat

🐺👾: Kafka, what’s she hiding? 

Kafka🕷️💕: some sexual tension, most likely. 

🦝🗑️: …. -_- 

🦝🗑️: mother, why hast thou forsaken me????

 Kafka🕷️💕: nothing to be embarrassed about, sweetie. 

Kafka🕷️💕: Bladie may be a tragic creation of the abundance, but his body was once human. It wouldn’t be a far stretch to say that some of the more… human tendencies of a man may still linger within him. 

🐺👾: F

🦝🗑️: F 

🐺👾: so you’re saying he’s pouting and kicking shit because he’s sexually frustrated? That’s fuckin nasty. 

🐺👾: @🦝🗑️ you need to fix this. I don’t wanna look at him sulk anymore 

🦝🗑️: me?!!?!? Tf am I supposed to do??? How is this my fault??? 

🐺👾: you fought him and now he’s horny. Fix it. 

🦝🗑️: … bruh 

Kafka🕷️💕: I don’t think the traditional way of solving this problem will be the best idea, silver wolf. 🤭

🐺👾: wym? 🤨

Kafka🕷️💕: I don’t think it’s safe right now for our little trailblazer and Bladie to get together on a more intimate level… he’s still a bit unstable mentally. 

🦝🗑️: you let me fight this man while hES UNSTABLE 

🐺👾: heh. L 

Kafka🕷️💕: fighting is what he knows. It’s what comes natural to him these days. Emotions? Not so much. 

🦝🗑️: I mean… I’m always down to help anyone whenever I can

🐺👾: *tucks hair behind ear* “i’M aLwAys DoWn tO HeLP aNyONe WHeNeVEr I cAn”

🦝🗑️: BRO FIGHT ME 

🐺👾: no thanks, I have better ways to waste my time 

🦝🗑️: ENGAGE ME IN A BATTLE OF FISTICUFFS RN 

🦝🗑️: IM ALWAYS DOWN TO HELP BUT USUALLY I GET NICE REWARDS TOO 

🐺👾: heh… you want a nice reward for this one too? 

🦝🗑️: I STTA ILL COME FIND UR LITTLE HOLOGRAM AND SMACK THE SHIT OUTTA YOU 

🐺👾: wtf does stta stand for you heathen 

Kafka🕷️💕: ooh! She’s used this one with me before. It’s “swear to the aeons.” Cute, right? 

🐺👾: 🙄 

🐺👾 has left the chat

Kafka🕷️💕: I think I have an idea on how you can help, if you’re open to it. 

🦝🗑️: …

🦝🗑️: what do I need to do? 

———

“Stelle sweetie!” Himeko knocked on her cabin door. “You have a package here.”

Stelle nearly slipped as her sock feet slid along the smooth floor of her room in her haste to reach the door. 

She tumbled along gracelessly and threw open her door, huffing as she took the package from Himeko. 

A box, about five hands wide and three hands deep, wrapped in plain brown paper, with a little card tapped on and slathered with all the necessary postage. 

“Thank you!” Stelle said hastily, reaching for her door. 

“Wait—“ Himeko put a hand to the door shaft, stepping forward a bit with worry in her eyes. 

Stelle cringed a bit, looking up at Himeko and trying to hide the shame she felt creeping up the back of her neck. 

“Listen,” Himeko started, eyeing the little card on the package with Stelles name written in pretty, looping letters. “I know you and that stellaron hunter have some strange connection that we aren’t sure about, and I know you’re unsure too, but I just want you to be careful, okay?” 

It took a solid two panicked seconds for Stelle to realize that Himeko was speaking about Kafka, and not the other stellaron hunter she’d so guilty formed a connection with recently. 

When the realization dawned on her, she tucked her package to the side and pulled Himeko into a tender side hug, snuggling into her chest a bit as she usually did. 

“Thank you for worrying about me, Himeko.” Stelle said, pulling away. “It means a lot to me, and I promise I’m being careful. I won’t do anything to jeopardize the safety of anyone on the express.” 

Himeko sighed, smiling as she pulled back too. “I know, I just worry about you. We’re all here to support you through this, you know that.” 

Stelle grinned. “I do, thank you.” 

The red haired woman nodded, smiling still as she said her goodbyes and left Stelle to her own devices. 

She’d never closed and locked her door so quickly before. 

Throwing the package on her bed, she hastily sat beside it and pulled the card from the packaging. 

She took a moment to trace her fingers over the pretty script on the card, before she tore open the envelope and read its contents. 

Stelle, 

Inside this box you’ll find the fun toy I told you about, along with a new shipping label to send it off to Bladie. 

I’m off on my own right now, far away from him, and I figured he’d handle it a lot better if it came from you, and not me. hehe~ 

Also, you’ll find a beautiful little necklace I had added to the set, that’s for you to wear. I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time with it. 

Thinking fondly of you always, 

K 

Stelle blushed a little, Kafka was always saying the strangest things. She tucked the card away in her nightstand and gently pried open the package, not wanting to tear the postage stamps. 

Inside was indeed the… thing that she was told about, and she blushed furiously while looking at the nondescript white box, though the size and shape was very indicative of what was inside.

She pulled the new shipping label out, looking at the address inquisitively and realizing she had no idea where Blade even was, not recognizing the planet. 

She sat it aside and pulled out the other small box inside, opening it up and finding a rather beautiful blue choker necklace. The colour was reminiscent of her garter, and she smiled, happily pulling the gift from its box and wrapping it around her slender throat. 

It clicked nicely in the back, and fit perfectly. She smiled, patting it and thinking about how it was such a thoughtful gift, however strangely unrelated. Then again Kafka was a bit of an enigma regardless, so who knows what her thought process was when putting these two together. 

Stelle closed up the box, slapping the new shipping label over the old one and eyeing it as it sat in the middle of her bed. 

Fuck, I should probably write him a letter, some kind of explination so he doesn’t just throw it away without opening it. 

She scurried to her desk, pulling out a very cutesy animal themed stationary set that March had gifted her after their mission on Jarilo XI. 

The envelopes and cards were soft blue, covered in cute little bunnies and bears and what Stelle thinks are pink raccoons, surrounded with hearts and little stars. 

She laughed at the idea of Blade handling such delicate paper, and got to writing a quick note on her desk.

Hey, 

Don’t hate me, but SW was complaining about your… mood lately, and I thought this might help. I totally fuckin get it, trust me, I understand. Traveling with a group of people that’s more like family than anything else can really put a damper on your… personal time. So please take time for yourself, if not for me, then to at least make silver wolf stop complaining to me that you’re moody. 

I look forward to the day you’ll spar with me again. 

-Stelle 

It might’ve been doing a bit too much, but Stelle couldn’t help but feel like the note might help him to be more receptive to the gift. 

Being a bit delusional never stopped her before, so why should it now? 

She slid the card in the envelope and slapped it to the package, picking it up to go and have it delivered. Hopefully she could feel a bit more at peace once it was gone. 

—————

A quick and impatient knock sounded on his room door, pulling him from his deep meditation on the floor. 

“Hey asshole, you’ve got a package.” 

He and Silver Wolf were sent together to fulfill one of Elio’s scripts, and it was a brief period of lull in their respective duties. 

The inn they were staying at wasn’t lavish by any means, but they were discreet, and that’s really all they could hope for. 

Blade released a breath through his nose as he rose from the floor, walking over and opening up his room to find his fellow hunter standing impatiently, tapping her foot on the rough carpet of the hallway. 

Blade hated carpet in the hallways of inns. Always disgusting and ridiculously coloured. 

“Here.” Silver Wolf shoved the box in his hands, her grin was wide, spreading to her eyes which twinkled up at him with the mischief he tried so desperately to avoid. 

“Who could possibly know where we are right now.” He grumbled at her, though she was already turning to leave. 

“I have an inkling, and hopefully the stick falls out of your ass soon.” She laughed maniacally as she waltzed down the hall. “Enjoy!” 

Blade felt his brow scrunch up tight as he eyed the package. The blue envelope tapped into it was terrible to look at, the childish print making him want to throw it away immediately, but the unfamiliar lettering spelling his name across the paper made him pause. 

He brought the package to his bed, sitting down and thumbing open the envelope. 

The contents of the card made his stomach drop and then lurch into his throat. He was ready to run silver wolf through with his sword. 

Calm yourself. 

He took steady breaths, though he was angry, he was also rather curious about what exactly was in the box. 

With a carefulness he didn’t remember he had, he pried open the package to find a smaller white box without any words or indicators of what could be inside. 

He lifted the lid, only to drop it in shock at what lurked within. He knew what that was. He was older than most but he was still a man, and he knew exactly what had been sent to him— what was to help his “mood.” 

He sighed, pinching his temples. He didn’t know whether he wanted to thank silver wolf or strangle her. Either way, he’d be getting some kind of relief today. 

———————

Stelle was eating dinner when she felt the first phantom touch. 

Fingertips, as soft as a whisper, ghosting over her pubic mound and making her stomach dip. 

Her eyes darted around, but everyone else was still enjoying their meal, chatting quietly together with the melody of silverware accompanying their voices. 

She was sat beside Dan Heng tonight, but both of his hands were above the table. 

She leaned back to look at him below the waist, looking to see if he’d manifested his tail and was making a pass at her, or more likely, was absentmindedly flicking it about like he did whenever he took his secondary form. 

But no, he was tailless this evening, and now eyeing her a bit warily as her eyes darted around. 

“You okay?” He murmured, not wanting to bother the others. 

The touch ghosted along her outer labia now, making her drop her fork in shock. 

Everyone was looking at her now, and she felt something pulse around her throat, right where her new necklace rested. 

Her face heated, and she placed her utensils onto her half finished plate before scooting from behind the table. 

“I’m… not feeling the greatest. I think I’m gonna go to bed early, if you all don’t mind.” 

She stood quickly, standing there for a moment as the touches continued, soft and inquisitive. 

“Are you alright?” Welt asked, concerned. “Would you like me to bring you some tea, or medicine?” 

“No!” Stelle jumped, before she caught herself and smiled sheepishly. “I’m alright, just feeling a little off. Probably just need some good sleep. I’ll see you all in the morning?” 

They all nodded, watching her go with worried eyes, but letting her leave without more questioning, which she was so grateful for. 

As soon as she made it to her room, she felt the first touch swipe through her core, and she nearly keened. 

Her throat pulsed, the necklace weakly glowing in the dark of her room. 

Her body felt hot. She was embarrassed at the amount of wetness that was pooling in her underwear, but most importantly, she was so fucking confused at what was going on. 

Something wet and blunt prodded at her entrance, and her knees buckled as she locked her door. 

She nearly crawled to her bed as her choker pulsed and pulsed with a weak glow, and the blunt thing, which felt suspiciously like a pair of fingers, finally slipped inside her, curiously prodding around, as if feeling her out. 

She slapped a hand over her mouth as she squeezed around the phantom digits, their touch lingering at her g spot with ridiculous precision. The fingers withdrew and she breathed a sigh of relief, though it was short lived as something much, much larger prodded itself at her entrance. 

Her eyes widened, and she scrambled to pull Kafkas card from her bedside drawer. 

“you’ll find a beautiful little necklace I had added to the set, that’s for you to wear. I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time with it. “

Stelle hadn’t realized what those words meant at the time, but as the blunt head of a ridiculously sized phallic object pushed at her hole, the meaning slapped her in the face like a rouge automaton. 

Her back arched off the bed as the phantom cock pushed into her, and she choked on a moan as it buried itself deep within her. She was so ridiculously wet she wanted to cry, and knowing who was on the other end of this feeling made her eyes roll back into her head. 

The thrusts started slow, but slowly worked their way up to something more intense, almost violent. Her insides churned, and she felt the telltale signs of an orgasm building up so quickly she might scream. 

No, no no no. She scrambled, reaching for the necklace, but when her fingers reached the latch, the thrusts changed angles, pounding directly into her g-spot and she cussed into the dark of her room. 

Her orgasm washed over her like a tidal wave, crashing into her and seeping deep into her bones. It was the first actually satisfying orgasm she’d had in an incredibly long time. 

Her fingertips shook as they lingered on the necklace a moment, before she threw them back to her sheets, gripping them tightly as the thrusts continued. 

Fuck, this feels too good.

Through the post orgasm fog, she wondered if he knew. 

Did he know it was connected to her? 

She suddenly felt overcome with guilt. If he didn’t know, this felt a little like taking advantage of his struggles. If he did know, then she wanted to hear him say it out loud, that he knew exactly what he was doing to her. 

She wanted him to hear exactly what he was doing to her. 

With shaking hands and twitching thighs, she slapped around her bed for her phone, biting her lip through the pleasure to scroll through her contacts. 

It was nearly at the bottom, and the last time it was used was a hack of Silver Wolf’s, and Kafkas words, not his own. But she had to try regardless. 

She clicked the call button, bringing her phone to her ear as she bit back moans. 

Suddenly, the thrusting within her stopped, though the phantom cock remained buried within her. 

She gasped as the ringing came to a halt as the line picked up.

There was no answer, though she swore she could hear his breathing, just a bit heavier than usual. 

“Don’t… don’t stop.” She whispered. 

She thought she heard his breath catch in his throat. She definitely heard the swallow before he spoke. 

“What are you talking about.” His gravelly voice reverberated through the phone, and she felt the cock inside her move ever so slowly, in and out. 

She bit her lip. “I didn’t know at first, I swear.” Her thoughts were scrambled as the soft thrusts continued, and the knowledge that he was actively fucking himself with the toy while she spoke make her stomach jump in pleasure. 

“You didn’t know what?” He said, voice low and nearly at a whisper. 

“It’s… we’re… we’re connected.” 

The toy stopped, and she sucked in a breath of relief, hoping to gather her thoughts so she could properly explain herself. 

Suddenly a moan was ripped from her chest as his cock thrust into the toy with vigor, and his intense pace was picked back up tenfold. 

She tried to hide it, but the damage was done, and if he didn’t know before, he certainly did now as he listened to her whine and whimper through the phone. 

“I thought the inside felt far too realistic.” He growled. “You’re squeezing me so tight, little Nameless.” 

She gasped, his voice along with the stimulation was far too much, and another orgasm was quickly approaching. 

She tried to play it off like she wasn’t being fucked within an inch of her life though. 

“Yeah well, it’s… been a while since I’ve gotten any action, s-so forgive me for being a little tense.” She stammered. 

He switched his thrusts to hard and deep, so hard Stelle could nearly feel the sensation of his hips hitting hers, and she’s almost positive the fat of her lower half would be rippling in the recoil if he were actually here. 

“I knew as soon as I saw you that you were just a needy hole begging to be filled.” Blade said, voice deep and oh so condescending. 

Stelle fisted the sheets, her eyes nearly rolling into her skull as her needy moans slipped through clenched teeth. He was right, he was so right— but that didn’t mean she needed to concede so easily. 

“That’s bold talk…” she hissed, biting her lips until they felt raw. “…For someone who literally ran away from m-me as soon as his blood traveled south.”  

His dark laugh made her squeeze around him, and she knew he could feel it because the laugh trickled off into a deep groan that set her face on fire. She felt like her fingertips were alight with electricity, like her body was attempting to defy the artificial gravity on the express as she arched off her sheets. 

The pounding within her never faltered as he continued speaking his vile, filthy words at her. 

“You’re lucky I did, little Nameless.” She could almost imagine his murderous grin, the violence that vibrated through his voice was astounding. “If I had stayed I would have fucked you until not even your beloved crew would have been able to recognize the carnage I’d left behind.”

She couldn’t stop the noise that flew from her throat, a guttural keening that had her gripping her cellphone in embarrassment as he laughed once more. 

“Oh?” He teased, voice edged with gravel and venom. “You must be desperate to enjoy the idea of me fucking you until you’re nothing but hot pulp slipping through my fucking fingers.”

Oh she was so desperate, so fucked. If anyone else had said something so absolutely horrifying, she’d have run far, far away. 

“Does the rest of the express crew know how fucking depraved you are?” His thrusts seemed to pick up speed, which would’ve seemed nearly impossible, except she couldn’t exactly think at the moment, only sob as they slammed against that spot inside her over and over again until she felt herself slipping slowly. 

“Do they know that their precious little star wants to be fucked by a monster?” He snarled, and she cried out into the soft light of her room, thrashing around as her orgasm teased its way at her— but she was holding it back, why, why?

“Please,” she gasped. “Please, can I—“ oh, she thought distantly. Oh I’m so fucked up. 

Blade groaned, the slick sounds of him thrusting into the toy ringing in her ear. “So desperate, so polite. You really are something else.”

She keened, arching her back as the feeling licked at her further, so close to toppling over the edge.

“Go on then,” Blade whispered darkly. “Cum for me.” 

It crashed over her, more powerful than anything she could remember feeling. It pulsed through her in quick waves, so strong and violent as he just kept going. 

It started to dance into sickly sweet overstimulation as she heard his breath quicken, and she steadied her breath, wanting to savor this moment. 

“You know,” she breathed. “I’m a lot tougher than you think.”

His breath stuttered, his pace faltering ever so slightly. 

“I could take it,” she whispered. “I don’t think you’d hurt me in any way I didn’t want you to.” 

He faltered, and she heard him cuss under his breath through the phone.

“Yeah?” He whispered. “You’d take what I give you?”

She nodded at her ceiling, knowing he couldn’t see her, but her mind was too foggy with brutal pleasure to think straight. He was undoing her. 

“Every disgusting, violent, nasty thing you’d give me Blade,” she said, clutching the sheets as tears welled behind her eyes, praying he was almost finished but simultaneously never wanting it to end. “I’d take it so well for you, and I’d thank you for it.” 

“Fuck.” Blade moaned, deep and guttural, and his thrusting seized inside her. Much to her shock, she could feel the warmth of him filling her up, pump and after pump of him coating her insides. 

They both lay there, staring at their ceilings and breathing heavily over the phone, not speaking but not really wanting to anyways. 

Finally, once the breath returned to her lungs unlaboured, she felt him pull himself from the toy. 

She felt like she’d been hollowed out, like a crater had been formed where her insides should be, and without him there plugging her up—-her guts would fall out and she’d be left empty. 

He made a confused noise, and just as he did she felt the telltale squelch of cum slipping from her still twitching insides, and she groaned in frustration. 

“Well then,” he chuckled, softer now than before— almost a forbidden sound. “That makes cleaning up easier for me.” 

She smacked her hand over her face. “This is the weirdest toy ever invented, and I'm going to cry the next time I have to face Kafka.” 

“I figured this had something to do with her,” he said, shuffling noises heard from his end of the line. “She can never stay out of my business for too terribly long, unfortunately.” 

“Mine too it seems.” Stelle sighed. She smiled when he made a neutral sound of agreement. 

“You sound like you’re in a better mood.” She said, uncaring of the consequences.

“Well, before I realized what this really was, I was just hoping to release some inconvenient pent up energy.” He said, voice flat. “But I suppose doing it this way has added benefits. I’m no fool, I understand how the human brain works.”

“So this… helped you?” Stelle asked tentatively. 

He sighed. “I’d be lying if I said it was entirely useless.” 

Stelle smiled, stroking the choker around her throat, the delicate glow now completely faded. 

“I’ll keep my end of the connection on, it's simple enough. Just call me next time, okay? I don’t need to embarrass myself at dinner again.”

“I make no such promises.” She thought she heard the faintest of smiles in that last sentence before the line went dead.  

[djtommotomlinson]

last november i was in china when my little brother called me and told me to come home. over summer my nan, my mums mum, had passed away before i had managed to get back to see her and my mum, my best friend in the world, had a heart attack soon after. i was with her then. we went to the funeral. she got better. we saw robbie williams live. we went out drinking and to the beach and watched coyote ugly and la la land together, our fave movies.

when my brother called me to tell me mum had cancer i knew it was bad. i lost my best friend to cancer when we were just 16 years old. thats never a good word. but its my mum. and to quote her days after her own mums death 'i always knew one day my mum would die but i never knew she would, like, actually die'.

i knew in the back of my head why i was going home but i didnt believe it. i watched spiderverse for like the third time on the plane. i went to grab my suitcase and laughed when i realised i was at the wrong shanghai - gatwick conveyor belt. who knew there were two at almost the same time.

then my brother, my baby brother, who is 30 next year but was 28 and always our baby brother, called me and my life is never ever going to be the same. i knew the moment he called. and i sat on the floor at gatwick airport shaking and people kept coming over to ask if i was okay and finally my sister and my aunties, my mums sisters, arrived and they were let into the baggage area when they explained and picked me off the floor.

i dont think this is a grief that has settled yet. i was meant to see louis that night. i havent listened to a song by him since despite his music getting me through some of my hardest times. my denial, she'll walk through the door and say this was all a joke, phase went on for months after we planned and executed a funeral and wake on the beach in malta. i made a great playlist, i wrote a great eulogy. i did that but it didnt properly sink in why.

i still, almost a full year on, wake up and think about messaging her to tell her how im feeling and check in on her.

my mum used to send me one direction news she found on facebook every day. harrys got a new album emmy did you know? and i was like no mum wow thank you (of course i already knew). she loved niall and we were going to see him live together. she wasnt a big fan of louis' music but ached for what he'd been through. i woke up the day after hearing about liam expecting a text from her checking in because she got me 1d tickets in 2014 for my 23rd birthday and she brought me merch and the dvd of the movie -

my mum who hated the beatles because they were too mainstream but loved what i loved because i loved it and was passionate about it. god she would have been crushed for me today. she would have been heart broken.

and i think this has hit me like a train not only because everyone who knows me knows how much i loved liam as if he was my own friend, but also because this past year has been so full of grief i dont always know how to get out of bed. my dads mum passed a few months ago. my family are wrecked with it. this past year has been a nightmare we can't get out of.

i always related to liam as someone who was bullied at school and as someone who suffers from mental illness and has suffered from alcoholism, thankfully, for me, something ive managed to come back from and im sober and i always hoped for that for him. its such a hard fucking mountain to climb and i didn't have to deal with the fame side of it and this whole other thing he had to carry. i always wanted him to get better but in the back of my head i had this feeling, i had this fear that i would one day log into tumblr and see the worst.

i still cant, and im sure for a long time won't, believe this real. thats one of my boys. we were very much meant to get old together. i wanted to see him get better. i cant begin to comprehend the fact he wont have that chance. this still doesnt feel real to me man. thats my boy.

just a few days ago I was in a convenience store and they were playing heart meets break and i was jamming and excited to hear my boy in a store. i keep remembering its happened, and i look at the photo on my bedside of me and my mum at the robbie williams concert and i could really do with her right now. a link to a facebook article and her over use of emojis - a shocked and crying face and a broken heart. because what else can express this?

i know i didnt know him but i always had the comfort of knowing of him, of listening to his music and watching his videos and feeling less alone in a cruel and lonely world.

its okay to be a fucking mess, if you can take time out please do. i wish this world allowed more of that. after my mum everyone had to go back to jobs and life and it still blows my mind that i was walking down the street then and today and everything was the same. the world should pause but it doesn't.

at the end of all of this, one day this might settle and make sense but right now it doesnt at all and thats how these things work. i love you all, this is not something i thought we would have to face until we had all grown old and spent all of our money on reunion tickets and seen our boys grow old and live their lives.

give people you love a hug, tell people you love that you care about them, work out problems and differences if you can and make the most of it. you never know how much time you have.

[makib1tch]

ummm all of them 😅

OKAY OKAY THISLL BE LONG BUT ILL TRY

the character everyone gets wrong : Alnst Luka. LIKE I GET THAT PEOPLE DONT LIKE HIM BUT HE ISNT THE VILLAIN. THE ALIENS ARE THE FUCKING VILLAINS. Like I lowkey feel like he doesn’t understand that what he’s doing is wrong. Like he wants to survive. Thats how the alien taught him too. DONT GET ME STARTED ILL RAMBLE WAY TOO FUCKIN MUCH

a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom: uhhh my fav is Aventurine and I see him as a switch sooooo….idk 🥲🥲🥲🥲.

screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr : uuuuuuh idk sorry

what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person? : idk if it counts but like I had a friend I vented to her and told her I $h and she started to insult me and yea I was having a panic attack and blocked her

worst discord server and why : I’m never on discord so idk

which ship fans are the most annoying? Not all of them (I sometimes ship it too) but aventio/ratiorine/call them what u want idc. Like. There are ratiorine shippers who are like "OOOOHOOHH AVENTURINE IS SUCH A HORNY BOTTOM WHOREEE AND RATIO IS A HORNY DOM EUZKZKALALAL" and then they go and ruin the entire fucking characters. Like I like the ship when it’s done right. When they respect the fuckin characters. Not when they ship them out of pure horniness. BUT NOT ALL OF THEM. Oh and it’s the same for Ruikasa (pjsk) shippers.

what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them? : I used to hate Ratio. Because of the weird ratiorine shippers.

common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about : THAT LUKA FROM

ALNST IS THE VILLAIN

worst part of canon : idkidkkdk

worst part of fanon : idk too sorry im shit at ask games

number of fandom-related words you've filtered : none

the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them : Alnst Luka. Again with him. HES SUCH A FUCKIN INTERESTING AND COMPLEX CHARACTER ILOVE HIM

worst blorboficiation : the fuck is that?

that one thing you see in fics all the time : in x reader like "you have blue eyes and black hair" THEN NO THATS NOT AN X READER

that one thing you see in fanart all the time: aaaaaahh idkk I see way too much fanarts everyday

you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc) : Hyuna x Luka. I don’t understand. They’re so toxic like

there should be more of this type of fic/art: anyone comforting aventurine. My baby needs comfort. I love him. I want to hug him

it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on... : i don’t think people have been sleeping on but idk she still doesn’t get enough credit everyone go read @aventurineswife ‘s fics they’re so fuckin good.

you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like... : those x reader fics that are written out of straight up horniness. They be having the most obscene and devious devilish things.

part of canon you found tedious or boring : the whole xianzhou luofu quest ig. Expect for Tingyun I love her. But like idk I was kinda bored in it. Maybe it’s just me idk

part of canon you think is overhyped : Himekos death in csm. Like I saw people being super sad but like…idk. I didnt feel sad for her. I felt bad for Aki since he was sad yeah. But Himeko like her death didn’t do anything for me.

your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores : AAAAAAAH IDK IM SORRY

ship you've unwillingly come around to : Ratiorine, I used to hate it. Now I like it. (I’m not sure I understood the question lmao)

topic that brings up the most rancid discourse : The hospital scene in the End of Evangelion. I don’t have to explain. I think just no one should talk about it.

common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing : "Denji is a dumb pervert."

OK FINALLY FINISHED I TOOK WAY TOO FUCKIN LONG TO ANSWER THIS

I’m shit at ask games sorry lmao

[simping4-2manyppl]

is it okay if u do a Tom x reader with an Ed (so sorry if you are uncomfy with this ❕️❕️🤍🤍🤍)

Tom Kaulitz 🎸

Ofcc i hope you enjoy 🫶🏼 i dont know much about ed’s but im going to try my best 💗 if this triggers you in any type of way please contact me! Or if i did anything wrong, I absolutely mean no harm and i will fix my mistakes.

TW! ⚠️

Contains ED! And other possible sensitive topics!! Angst! I honestly dont know if i wrote about an ED cause im not very educated on it so im sorry if its not correct!

You woke up rubbing your eyes, seeing yourself in the mirror that stood infront of you. You stood up from your bed and walked infront of the mirror frowning as you pointed out all of your insecurities and picking at them.

You bit your lip as tears formed in your eyes, “Why me?” You thought, a knock on the door interrupting your thoughts.

“Y/n! You awake?” You heard, it was tom. Your best friend, he usually checked up on you to see if you were awake, since most days youd sleep almost all day.

“Yeah!” You replied, looking away from the mirror and getting dressed. You were going to go with the band someplace, it was probably an interview or something like that.

You werent apart of the band but youd usually tag along with them since you were one of their closest friends.

You picked out some baggy clothes that hid some of your insecurities perfectly. Once you finished you walked out of your room as your eyes met with toms.

“Tryna copy my style today?” He said, in a joking way. “You stole this outfit idea from me!” You said rolling your eyes playfully.

“Sureee.” He said as you both laughed and you made your way downstairs to the kitchen.

“Good Morning!” You heard bill say, “Morning!” You said with a smile on your face, you didnt want to bring the others moods down just because you werent feeling the best, so you tried to put on a big smile and pretended to look as happy as possible.

“You coming with us again today?” Bill said, munching on something he probably found in the pantry.

“You know it, gotta support my favorite boys!” You said giving him a small wink. He laughed and nodded.

You made your way to the living room as you saw gustav and georg searching for something, “Morningg, you guys need help with anything?” You said raising your eyebrow.

They looked at you and smiled, “no thanks, we got it!” you nodded and walked over to the couch, sitting down.

If you were being honest, you were so tired, and hungry. But no matter how hard you tried you just couldnt eat food without throwing it right back up.

This habit of not eating started a while ago but you were too afraid to open up to anyone and talk about it, assuming your friends would judge you because the real reason of why was because you had a crush on tom, but you knew he only saw you in a friendly way. And his type was beautiful gorgeous girls with the perfect bodys. Something you couldnt relate to. So you kept it a secret, but it would hurt you every time you saw tom with one of his girlfriends or heard them at night.

It took a big toll on your mental health and sleep, most days you felt like a zombie, not being able to sleep and just wanting to be away from everyone, but you tried to be positive in front of your friends so you wouldn’t worry them.

___

Time Skip

___

You waited for the band in the back as they were doing a small interview, once it was over with you could hear the screams of the fans and them yelling all sorts of things.

Of course some were about tom, you then saw as they stood up to greet some of the fans and saw him talking to some girl, you knew you shouldnt have gotten jealous but you could help it.

She was perfect, and tom had looked like he just fell inlove, of course you knew he just wanted her for one night but it still hurt to see him being all flirty with her. You didnt know why but seeing him with her bothered you so much and you just couldnt figure out why, she sure was beautiful but hes been with alot of girls and none of them bothered you as much.

You sighed and looked at yourself, comparing yourself to her and immediately feeling sick. Oh how you wished you looked like her.

You waited for a bit until everyone got back, so you just decided to stay quiet and keep on going with your day.

Once you got home you locked yourself in your room, immediately plopping yourself into your bed, sighing and closing your eyes.

You eventually fell asleep but would wake up throughout the night hearing the one thing you didnt want to hear, a girl in your best friends room. Basically screaming her lungs out.

You decided to sleep in, not wanting to do anything as your energy just kept getting lower and lower by the days.

Ag some point throughout the day you heard knocks on the door asking if you were alright or going with them some place and you just tried to ignore them but gave them short replies not really wanting to talk.

A few days of you being like this everyone decided to talk to you, it wasnt normal for you to be acting like this. Tom was the first one that knocked ti check in with you as always but you just groaned and complained that you were just tired.

He decided to leave you alone amd when you heard another knock it was gustav this time.

“Hey ___, you okay?” he said in a soft voice, “yes gus, im okay! Just tired.” You said yelling and laying your head down on your pillow.

“You havent came out at all, can i come in? Please?” He said, his voice sounding sad.

You sighed and bit your lip, “going..” you said and walked up to your door, unlocking it and letting him in.

You closed it quickly as you didnt want anyone else to come in.

You turned around and faced him, “What gus?” you said, “I jus- Oh my god, are you okay?!” He said as he fully saw your face, the dark circles under you eyes fully taking over your face and you skin looker paler than ever.

He had a worried look on his face as he looked at you, analyzing your whole face. “Im fine! Im just extremely tired gus.” You said sighing.

“No! You’re not okay, you look skinnier and more tired, like a literal zombie ___! Whats going on?” He said, as he got even more worried.

Your eyes started tearing up and before you knew it you started bawling your eyes out like a baby.

“I just cant do it anymore gus, im in love with tom! you know how much it hurts to hear him flirt and see all those girls with him? It hurts so fucking much gustav.” You said, as he wrapped his arms around you.

“Oh god, im sorry ___, But maybe he loves you too! I mean have you seen the way he looks at you?” he said trying to calm you down a bit.

“No gus, he likes those other gorgeous skinny perfect girls, i cant compare to that. He only sees me as a friend.” You said, sobbing.

“Thats not true ___! Youre so Beautiful and perfect to all of us! Please dont be starving youself and making changes to yourself just cause you think you arent pretty cause you are ___!! Probably one of the prettiest girls i have ever seen in my entire life!” He said hugging you even tighter as you just cried onto his shoulder.

You lift you head off his shoulder, looking into his eyes as you sniffled, “ you really mean that?” You said biting your lip so the tears would stop flowing out.

“Yes! Ask anyone! And its not just because we are your friends! Its true ___, i dont know how you dont see it.” He said with a frown on his face.

“Then why not me?” You said, your lip quivering. “Im sorry ___, hes just not looking in the right places, cause he has an amazing girl right infront of him.” He said pulling you into a deeper hug.

After that day youd only really talk to gustav, letting him in your room and talking with him, but one day he left and you heard a knock which you assumed was just him coming back fr something he mustve forgotten, but you were wrong.

“oh my god.. ___..” Tom said staring at you in disbelief as you had the door wide open. “Tom?..” you said quietly, “are you okay? Ive been so worried, oh gosh, you look so..” he said as he stood closer placing his hands on your cheeks, analyzing your face even more.

You know you looked more tired than usual but you were just drained from all the nights of you crying, and well you havent ate something in quite a while either.

As much as gustav would try to get you to eat you refused, but would lie to him saying you ate so he wouldnt worry too much.

“Whats going on ___?” He said biting his lip, “nothing tom. Now i want to be alone can you please go?” You said looking away from him as the eye contact was starting to get unbearable.

“Not until you tell me whats going on.” He said firmly, you started getting angry and pushed him out. “ i dont want to talk right now!” You said slamming the door shut and locking it.

You felt bad but why couldnt he just leave you alone, you wanted to get rid of your crush on him so things could go back to normal but it was so hard.

You sighed and opened the door seeing him looking down, “im sorry..” you said your head hanging low as you started to feel guilty for the way you were acting towards him.

“___ you’re my best friend, im worried about you.. can we please just hang out together or something? I miss you.” He said staring at you.

You could feel the way his eyes looked at you causing you ti loft your head up and you nodded as you met his eyes.

“Yeah, i guess..” you said putting your hand on your shoulder, not knowing what to do.

“Lets get snacks and watch our favorite movie no? Maybe that can help you feel a bit better..” he said, giving you a small smile.

“I- i guess..” you said, and walked over with him. Once you retrieved the snacks you went over to the living room and sat down as he put on your guys favorite movie.

“Alright, lets eat!” He said, “im actually not hungry right now, maybe a little later.” You said, pushing the snacks away from you.

“… if you say so.” He said slightly frowning and playing the movie.

You eventually drifted off to sleep in his shoulder and once you woke up you saw him already staring at you.

“Rise and shine princess.” He said, chuckling. God, why did he have to make this worse for you..

“Sorry, i didnt mean to fall asleep, i guess i was just tired.” You said, yawning.

“Its alright, im just glad you’re here with me.” He said smiling at you.

You bit your lip, “i should go to bed now.. Ill see you tomorrow yeah?” You said getting up from the couch.

“Oh.. yeah okay, ill see you tomorrow then?” He said looking at you with pleading eyes, hoping youd say yes.

“Yeah.. maybe, goodnight tom.” You said, “goodnight ___, love you.” He said and you just gave him a small smile and walked back upstairs to your room. You laid down in bed and sighed, shutting your eyes to drift off to sleep.

After a couple of weeks youd start hanging out more with the band again and mostly tom but as you sat down in the kitchen stool you felt someone come behind you.

“I brought you something to eat.” He said, placing a takeout box in front of you.

“Im not hungry right now, but thanks tom.” You said pushing it away, and giving him a small smile.

He sat next to you and sighed, “___, you’re never hungry.” He said, “im just not tom, i already ate.” You said wanting to stop talking.

“You dont have to lie to me! Im your best friend, plus youve been in your room like alllllll day. I havent seen you come down or anything to eat ___. So please eat.” He said pushing the food closer to you.

“Tom i said im not hungry!” You said, frustrated.

“___, whats going on. I know you havent been eating, i can tell! and when you do you take the smallest bites ever! and never finish it and say youre full. Why are you doing this to yourself ___?!” He said standing up now.

Your eyes got teary, “because im not skinny or pretty or … anything tom!” You said starting to break down into tears.

He looked at you shocked, “___… why do you say that? You are pretty! im looking at you and you are of the most perfect girls ive ever seen.” He said as his eyes started to get soft and teary.

“Then why dont you like me? If im so perfect why dont you like me tom?” You said full on bawling.

“W-What?” He said, shocked and confused.

“I love you tom. I like you.. but ive never been perfect like those other girls that you are always with, i cant compare to them. They have model bodies and beautiful faces, and i dont. I thought maybe if i stopped eating it would just fix all of my problems, but it only made them worse.” You said, in between sobs.

He immediately wrapped his arms around you, “y/n, i do love you. Ive always have. I thought you didnt like me so i distracted myself with other girls to get over my feelings for you, i didnt wanna ruin the friendship that we had. I thought you hated me.. when you started ignoring me ___..” he said, starting to cry.

You stopped crying as you were in shock, not expecting him to say those things. “Tom.. i could never hate you, i just wanted to distance myself so i could get over you, it hurt seeing you with other girls, i also didnt know you liked me..” you said staring at him, “please dont cry..” you said, placing your hands on his cheeks.

“___ please promise me you wont do this again, please try to eat, i know itll take some time but please ___.” He said, looking into your eyes.

You nodded, “ill try tom, i really will.. im sorry.” You said, “no i am, i really do love you ___.” He said as he started leaning in closer to you, “i do too tom..” you said, your faces inches apart.

He finally closed the gap between you two, softly placing a gentle kiss on your lips. He moved his hands on your waist, pulling you closer to him.

Once you departed he gave you a small kiss on your nose and smiled at you, you smiled back at him and blushed.

“Now lets get you something to eat, yeah? Then we can focus on everything else after meine liebe.” he said, placing another small kiss on your lips then grabbing the food as he helped you eat, even if they were small bites he still helped by giving you small praises.

And this was why you fell in love with him..

[strange0-0storm]

my, oh my, I found you firstly by your art, which by the way, is so amazing!! I also love SMG7 and SMG8, I can probably relate to SMG8 just a bit more because music is really addicting, and I might just be a little reckless, if that is one of his? traits. I'm sorry if I make it sound like him being reckless is a bad thing, I just really love it. But my original question was when might the next part of The Arrival come out? You've got me hooked on that, and my curiosity is killing meeee

NO NO SMG8 BEING RECKLESS IS SO TRUE DONT BE SORRY AHAHAHAH But anyways, I'm so so glad you like my art, and I'm even more happy that you like SMG7 and SMG8, when I made SMG8 I didn't expect so many people too be fond of him, especially on here since before I wasn't that active and people didn't see my art too much

I'm SO SO HAPPY to share his story of how he arrived, because I didn't expect too even start a comic about it. I wanted to do a practic run with comic creating before I continued another project im working on. Seeing so many people enjoy it makes me so happy that I want too continue it more HAHAH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR THE YAP

To answer your initial question, part 9 will take a bit longer to be released because I've challenged myself to make an animatic for the comic. I have done small animatic like things before, but this time, I'm trying to do a whole one, so it's gonna take me some time.

IM SO HAPPY TOO HEAR YOU'RE HOOKED WAAA

I did work on 3 more frames yesterday >:] progress

Another thing is I'm in the process of moving to a new apartment soon, so it's killing my time on working on any drawings HQHSHS I HATE PACKIN

[stateswscarlet]

Hi Scarlet! I saw your twt bio said no dms so I thought I would share my successes here that I got from your threads and content!

Bit of a background: I hovered over from the a+p girlies after affirming for 9-10 months for all my desires, using everything they taught and even putting full faith into thoughts and science manifesting. I would affirm almost nonstop (during work, school, even as I was eating/talking to others) for the entire time and I eventually got super frustrated! Not a single manifestation came in or even the slightest movement, maybe a butterfly and a car here and there (looking back at it its because I accepted seeing them internally and didn’t contradict that state, it wasn’t even the affirming). In March-ish I found your account on my timeline and previously I would ignore any states related information because I thought states were the same as dominant thoughts, but something about your thread at the time caught my attention which led me down a rabbit hole (positively!) of consuming your threads. I realized a lot of it actually made sense and explained why I didn’t see success so far.

Anyways so after a few weeks of learning about states I decided to stop overconsuming and stick to your account and edward art ONLY for all my manifestation needs. It was a little hard breaking free from the affirming mindset but I decided to focus on embodying how it would feel if I no longer had to worry about my thoughts and allowed that to wash over me. I used your “embody being the solution” thread SO SO much and I realized I was able to quickly solve all my internal issues using that because anytime I felt stuck, I just had to assume the feeling of being unstuck and what the ideal situation would be! I also fell in love with fulfilling my imagination and although I did care about experiencing it in the 3D, it was more like me not even thinking of it reflecting because its a LAW. I remember you saying you don’t even have to think about stuff reflecting because it does so anyways and my only role is to naturally give it to myself. So here is a list of some of my *bigger* manifestations that came in within a month-ish of me APPLYING states of being after I learned about it:

SP and I got back together after 8 months no contact and 11 months separation

My top choice graduate school which rejected me months ago actually reaching out to me offering me a spot saying the rejection was a “system error”

Free coachella tickets all expense paid in a luxury hotel that sponsored not only me but my boyfriend and 3 friends

My favorite makeup brand randomly sending me a HUGE package of makeup that I never ordered or asked for (I wanted more makeup from this brand)

My dad receiving a random check to clear his entire credit card debt of around a decade

A better job for my boyfriend that pays him double of his last one and has flexible hours that he didn’t need to apply for or interview and hes been loving it!

Free first class plane tickets to Bali this summer! I had already booked normal ones months before but last week I got an email saying my party had randomly been selected for a free upgrade. This happened like a day or so after I for fun assumed the state of someone who has a live of luxury.

I have other smaller successes but these are some of my main ones!I really want to thank you scarlet you have honestly changed my life and I can’t believe it truly was that easy all along! Thank you for your amazing threads, please continue dropping more (I literally have your notifs on haha)

AWW YAYYYYYAYAYS IM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT!! You’re absolutely amazing🫶🏼

I dont even use this platform but just thought I would share this ❤️

[the-friendly-entity]

Hello there. Can you do an imagine where the MK1 characters finding out that the reader has an abusive family and how will they react to it when they find out?

[ ~"No Your Home"~ ] - Mortal Kombat 1

Congrats on being the first user to send a question! I am so sorry for the late response on this, somehow tumblr did not notify me of this until I checked out my activity, it is a really interesting prompt/idea! hope I did it as you like <3 and if you really suffer from this, I'm so sorry for hear that :( i hope you can seek for help to get out from that dangerous relationship and be in a better place safe

What contains? Abuse Topic, Sensitive Content, Mention of Gore/Death

How is visualized as? Cople Relation Ship, Family Relation Ship, Friend Relation Ship

Raiden

-He already had some suspicious, mostly at first when he wanted to wave or put his arm up to do a high fight and you reacted so scared and tried to cover yourself with your arms, something surely dint expect Raiden you do, at first he thought it was a just a misunderstanding for the first time, but when he see this sometimes repeat he have douts

-No Only that, but you using a clothes that cover most of your body also makes him suspicious, he does not judge anyone clothes style, but he cant stop feeling something was odd about it

-He always wanted to address this but he dont know how to, until one time he found you hided crying alone, he slowly get close to you and ask you whats wrong, he surely will be ok if dint want to address this or dont feel comfortable to talk what ever is bother you, but once you told him about the abuse you suffer from you parents he get mostly froze

-He can't believe you have such abused parents, not in a literal way, you are just a good person why do you deserve to be treated like that? and mostly by you own parents, he surely will talk to you all you about it and try to find a way to fix this, he will try to talk you parent try to make a deal in the most pacifist as possible, but if you parents are really aggressive and stubborn, he will use his Earthrelm champion title for this situation, or most tense parts, use his thunder powers to scared them and show dominance that way they let you free

-His house is welcome if you dont have a place to go to live with momentary, he even dont mind if you want to live in his house permaly as long you safe is what makes him feel relief, at the moment the first Raiden will do is take you to a doctor to check all you injures you parents did to you, make sure you get fully healed

Kung Lao

-Surprisely he surely will figure out more faster a difference from Raiden, he saw your odd reactions but he thought you were just that shy or he that scarry? I mean he a very buff guy~ (in his imagination)

-Surely he will figure out in one of his jokes, tickles you or carry you up for the fun, seeing your injuries and purple marks from the clothes as been lifted up a little from the playful moment, making the joke be fully over

-He will straight up asking what happened and who did this two you?, you try to hide your injures and stay away from him, just saying is nothing but of course is not, Kung Lao will insist a lot until saying the truth, he will not leave your safe until he knows why you are hurt

-Finally, you reveal about your abused parents, ooh Kung Lao is pissed, so badly, who dare to hurt you like that!? he dont care are your parents, they need to be teaching a lesson to not hurt their own children like that, he will just straight go to your parents house and start a discussion about it, if things gets intense fight will be make (dont worry he will not muder you parents but he wish)

-After that, he will make sure you will be safe, taking you to a doctor to check the injuries, and invite you to his home so you have a place to live, if your parents dare to try to take you back he will keep sure they will not try to archive that, keep you safe is his priority

Smoke - Tomas

-I think he will be the same fast to know it as kung lao, after all, he live an abuse experience with Bi-Han so he knows the feeling, seeing you trying to cover yourself with your arms, he has a worried look, straight asking "who is hurting you?...."

-Even if try to hide as much as possible, Smoke will be keeping close to you, he wants to figure out who is hurting you, he wants to help you, there is no need for to you hided this, he wants to help...

-He will always send hints about it, hints of you have someone there to help you, trying to earn your trust and trying to free you from this prison of fear you parents as made you, making you think you have no one to help you, thanks of all this hints and support from Tomas, you finally say about you Abuse Parents

-He was not even mad, or sad, he disappointed, disappointed from your parents for do this to you, he will comfort you and make sure to you feel safe, he as raiden will try to negotiate with you parents peacefully, if things dont work out, he will not just let leave you in that bad home, he will take with you to be safe not matter how much your parents yell or try to take you, he will protect you, after all, you parents dont know who is dealing with

Kenshi Takahashi

-Well, he not a hand person so he would never have seen this odd reaction from you, even so, Sento already told him something was not ok with you, which made him be in alarm

-I think the way Kenshi will figure out about your abusive parents on his own is you two are cuddling surely you already sleeping due to how safe you feel in his arms, in an accidental touch, he feels one of you injured, confused and in worried he carefully touch your body, making as possible not uncomfortable you or not broke you personal space, after all, was your body and he was not having permission to touch it, but as he found more and more injures, he get more worried, and more when he feel a lot of them are very recent

-After that, he will ask you about it, about this injury and what or who is causing it, you try to not say it and keep it as "its not big deal", but Kenshi will make you feel safe to make you talk about if, after all he can't leave you after he found you poor body badly hurt

-After you talk about your abusive parents, he is angry but not the same angry as Kung Lao, but definitely angry, he will try to your parents in a passive-aggressively way, and if they dont want to cooperate, Kenshi just straight you take out his katana and point it at your parents, to make them know who are dealing with, after that, he will take you to a doctor to check you injures, if you need a house to live, he will ask Jhonny for make you a house where you can be safe and far away from your parents (he dont think you are safe if you live with him, due all the yakuza situation and all the stuff he have to live as part of the Eearthrelm protectors) with all the things you need, even ask Jhonny for have you a job where you can get money, but dont worry, he always will have a day he will check on ya

Reiko

-He already saw the odd reaction, and he just felt proud having no idea why you acting that way, he thinks is because he strong looking and you feel dominated by his appearance, is because you acting such way, he may have abuse of this a little, just to get proud feeling

-Maybe the way he figure out this if you have a breakdown, posebly he was training and you dint know entering straight into the mouth of the wolf he almost hit you, you lucky you was slowly entering the room to avoid the hit, and that triggers you a lot making you fall from the floor crying, he will at first chuckles about this and telling you "come on, dont be dramatic i dint even hit you by luck" but seeing you not respond is what concern him

-He will try as best to comfort you, he will carry you carefully and take you to a room where you are comfortable and safe, waiting for you to stop crying and calm you down, once you finally calm, Reiko ask for explanations about you behavior early, and you know there not excuse or way out from this, so you told him about you abuse parents

-He at firts wil be silent, but you can see his expression got serious, he straight ask you where they live, and once you father open the door he will get pass out from Reiko punch in the face and bleeding from the nose, you mother not even have time to react what happen, but lucky for her, it was they warning, because Reiko will not have mercy next time if they try to do something to you, he will take you to his home so you be safe, and take you to doctors to cure you injures, and mostly he apologies about taking chance of you trauma for fill his ego, after what all that after, he mostly more sweet with you and mostly protective

Rain

-Again, he is not a very hand person, but surely he will notice you odd behavior when he moves his staff, making you react and cover your body with you arms, he mostly ask you ok, he mostly thinks he was too close to you and almost could hurt you, but when this happens a couple of times now he have suspicious

-He will ask trick questions, making sure to get all the information he wants to know about it, to know what is causing you react that way if something happens to you to always be alert of everything, everytime he asks the question about "is someone in particular doing something at you" you get oddly quiet, his suspicious just increase

-Finally he just straigt foward about it, just asking "who is hurting you", as long you try to denied you not free from Rain until you tell the true, once you tell about you abuse parents he angry about it, you parents? that is fall so low, he will to you parents home and try to negotiate to them, and if they dont agreed, well, Rain will just drown them a little, dont worry he will not kill them even if he wish but he will just show them a little of who are dealing with, just egnoft before remove the water from they heads so they can breath

-Now safe in Rain's hands, he is your doctor! he knows how to cure your injuries and even make them they not even exist to the first place, after all, he feels angry and sad seeing your body being hurt that way, you will live in his home where you can safe from you parents

Baraka

-He already smells your blood, the smell does recent injuries you have have that have a little of your blood, maybe still bleeding a little, knowing are from you he will straightforward ask you if you ok, and he will know you are lying, his intimate appearance its not make you so much option to say about your abuse parents

-Oh he dont like that, he was a parent before the tarkat take over him so hearing about his burn his blood, he will ask you about where you parents live and not for talk, he will straight murder them, not letting anything behind, he will not let you see this tho so you will never know about the murder of you parents

-He will take you to a doctor to cure your injures and ask Syzoth help if can find you a home where you live and be safe, he wish he can be near you to keep you safe from anyone, but yea...the tarkat

-but something sure, he will be a family to you, the family you never have and the family you need it, always checking on you and telling you praises you parents never told you, he will make you have what you never had and is very aware you need that

Shang Tsung

-To be honest, he was just confused of your odd reactions but did not really think about it, i think the most way he surely find about your abused parents is when he caught you trying to heal your own injuries alone

-After hearing his voice catching you off guard his words "Why you are alone there" Having already a smug expression due to your reaction, he mostly not even ask why you have those injures and straight fogar wanted to know about them by himself, slowly surprised of how much you have, you almost a broken doll

-you have his curiousity and he ask what happen to you, his voice have nothing of pity, even if you dont want to tell him, you know you are not safe from Shang Tsung's grip and you told him about your abuse parents

-He at first will be not care and just leave you alone, but as the day passes he feels....jealous? angry? He does not even know how to figure out this feeling, he just feels "the only one who allowed to hurt you is me" thing, he not even will ask where you parents live, he will follow you from the distance and arrive at your parents home, once he knows where you parents leave, he takes they souls and problems solve~

-Knowing you eventually find they corpse you will tell Shang Tsung about it for not say almost interrogate him about it, he will act like he dont know about it with that fruity and smug expression, at least you can live in your home peacefully, but if you not feel comfortable in that house, Shang Tsung is more that happy you live with him, about you injures, I dont know, mostly you can ask about it for help you, but he will do it? you can trust him? only Shang Tsung knows that answer

Syzoth

-Again no hand person but he can smell your blood from your injures, knowing it from you he is worried, already telling you you are bleeding, making you nervous, he tries to make you be calm as possible and offer his help, he very supportive boy :(, so he find odd when you refuse his help

-Seeing the blood smell dint go away and he knew was recent each time, he found it odd, why you always bleeding? and acting like nothing is happening, he try to address this as best as possible, trying to not make you uncomfortable about the topic, he just worried about you

-Once he knows about you abusive parents, ooooh he angry, again he was a father before Shang Tsung take them, so he can accept you are suffering from you parents, he mostly will comfort you and make you feel safe, but mostly ask you to talk to them

-He will try to address it as peacefully as possible with you parents, but he will not be very patient with your parent's attitude and when his patience is over he straigth forward show his zaterran form, he dont care about what you parents think about him, he will show them do not mess with you

-After that, he invites you to live in his place, takes you to a doctor to cure your injuries and be the parent you never had, of course will be different due to Zaterran parents acting diferent from human parents, but he will try as possible to give you what you never have

Havik

-He thinks he scared you becuse of his odd powers or his scary appearance so he will not think about it, possibly the way he figure out about your abuse parents are one of does moments he talks (rants) about the abuse and suffer he feels his people and everyone have the right to live freely, all does talk make you feel motivate or more confident to talk about you abuse parents

-Once you finally tell him about it, oh you can see the HELL in his eyes, he can't believe you being abused by your own parents, someone so good and someone who can't even defend yourself, he will demand you were you parents live, and he will not talk, straight kill them

-You will shocked from so gore scene, telling Havik he didn't do that, but he with his blood hands try to comfort you, telling you is what they deserve for treating you that way, that was they punishment and now you was free from they hell

-Maybe you dont want to live with havik after that and he will respect your decision, even he feels a little sad to make you feel that way, he dont regret doing it for the good of you, and promise you will be safe under his protencion

Liu Kang

-he could noticed it, and surely could know you suffering from some sort of abuse, is was a normal reaction from someone who suffers it, he will not go straight forward making sure you say it when you feel comfortable, so he will have his hands behind!!

-He will be so sweet with you :(, making sure you have a good time knowing you passing from something horrible, is what you deserve, surely you cry sometimes when he was too sweet with you, is something you cant belive you know? it was a feeling you cant process after you get use to the abuse

-Finally thanks of Liu Kang's Actions you told him about your abuse parents, he so sad to hear this news, he thought it wil be a friend or a partner you have, but your own parents?, is heart breaking, and he promise to try to make something

-He wil not even try to look intimidating or dominant, he is a god yes but he will not use his rank for things like this, he will try to talk to you parents peacefully, and if things dont work out, well, this goes straight to judge, dont worry of course Liu Kang win it and you parents go to jail

-He will offer you multiple houses to live, and he is definitely ok if you want to live in his place, he will continue to be as sweet as he has been, trying to replace does bad experience you have, remove all that trauma and you be free from that abuse you have from you parents, and even you scared you parents come back dont worry, Liu Kang will make sure of they wont

Geras

-Yep, he knows, he already saw about your abusive parents, how they treated you and hurt you, it was something sad to see, he even saw other timelines where you parents actully love you, or straight they abandoned you or kill you...

-He dont know if he has the right to be in your life, after all are mortal decisions and he can't change those decisions, surely tell this to Liu Kang to seek of opinion about it, knowing you and Geras are close to each other he will allowed it as long you make the decision to tell him

-and there he is, being on your side, trying to show you beautiful things and make you forget about the bad experience with you parents, same as Liu Kang he will be so nice to you in his way, posebly knowing he the guardian of time surely you figure out he knows, not even telling him just asking if in a future you parents will love you or they did feel love

-Is sad to hear his answer but he wil make sure you dont have to see them anymore, no matter how hard your parents try to find you they will never be, you will be safe in your new home, and living the life you deserve it away of any danger or abuse

[beatingtheouijaboardallegations]

do think we have some important perspective to say about the ‘all nonspeaking / nonverbal people can read minds & literally send secret message to each other across time & space. and access so much spiritual better connect to g-d in ways speaking people can’t ever’ bullshit. thta becoming so so so popular even among people we respect in nonspeaking space cause that fucking podcast being promoted everyone un escapable if in S2C etc center space. but so scared of responses because is one of my most needed communities , already thin ice don’t want to completely make people hate me who could be only bridge to connect people like me.

as dissociative person / collective , who different alters have gone through diffrent stages of thinking can read minds. and who thought could all read minds and talk to people not there before realize there is people in my brain. thinking of that one girl in head. formed because trauma from growing up thought of not human treated as worse than alien worse than object as nonthinking nonfeeling. believes will return to “ her world” where we are powerful and understood and don’t have body that needs this much care can exist as a self not need others so sheerly. believes is telepathic with that world a d also that can hear thoughts of all other nonspeakers and talk back n forth.

we dont have good enough communication for me to. ‘interview’ her for an article or do back and forth discussion debate. but she has been dormant and then sudden took over while listening to That Fucking podcast ( for ‘research’ purpose) because of course she would. and now has so much more ‘evidence’ for the trauma beliefs (is whole web of belief have barely scratch surface here) act so smug about it so annoying, know is a part of me but hate what she does to us

and think that even though many nonspeakers who have these beliefs (and their parents and professionals around them also do) not plural and not have DID OSDD ect. 1. so few of us given language understand experience of selfves experience of dissociation & multipleness & substitute beliefs & fear and trauma. so few of us get any type therapy at all good or bad , or just therapy that follows parent religion , or just behavior and ‘ skill build’ therapy and maybe psych meds and few coping strategies taught but no pne to actually explore depths of how we feel, cause not seen as able feel only able to act. i mean only reason selfves found out language of DID exists is because being on tumblr , have access to internet and informatijom not pre approve by authority & the motor plans n cognitive ease of looking through information freely was something that cultivated and early supported after learning to type. and also immersed in queer trans communities through partner and local places , where have met some other systems who willing compare notes on experience. which most nonspeaking nonverbal people dont get.

and 2. any traumatized people especially people face specifc kind trauma of grow up full life nonspeaking presume incompetent. more likely build up all kinds ideas necessary to surviving and can see exactly how when you spend life just as fly on the wall observinf the world not affecting it, no one is teaching you how to communicate in the most full most easy way possible for body mind , being abused in the big and small ways in special ed and by staff and doctors and talked about in most awful ways while you are right there. “i am telepathic” can be belief that so so so needed to survive that hell. so can “i can talk to everyone else going through this and we can fight together with just our minds from miles away.” and do relate so deeply to nonspeakers who talk about these things.

the problem lies when peope who are not us. parents or doctors or spiritual healing bio med podcaster people. take those trauma beliefs and make them so very literal, as part of their ( usually fundamental Christian or heavy based on that) beliefs that they want nonspeakers to also hold. will turn us into these prophetic creatures when we are very young instead if just letting us be people. which is terrible for thos of us who actually hold these beliefs and experience. we not getting chance to explore what means for us, in all the depths in all the ways we need to. just taken as “holy shit my kid can read my mind” broadcast everywhere like party trick treated like something other than human. which is same place trauma lies in first place, is two sides of same coin. it is all so anger making and not what any of us deserve.

[yellowroseswrites]

Hi, I was wondering if you could write a fic about Spencer Reid x sh/ed reader. The reader is very insecure because she feels like she used to be smart but isn't anymore and maybe after failing a case she starts harming herself again.

I was also wondering if you could include

that she wears a watch all the time

that she tends to cut small cuts on her fingers because she can blame them on other things and often digs her nails into them when anxious

has a good relationship with family so she feels her actions are unjustified

Spencer and reader are friends but shes always thought of him as more

I totally understand if this isn't possible and thank you.

"I want to help you carry it."

Spencer Reid x Sh!BAU!Reader

Author's notes- [ “has a good relationship with her family so she feels her actions are unjustified’ called me out personally and i need emotional compensation /j. Sorry these pieces have taken so long, a lot of my requests have been sh related and i wasn’t in the right headspace until recently, i hope you understand and i hope you enjoy this piece <3 also this is taken quite far from the prompt, so i’m sorry about that. I’ll definitely try to write more with reid and sh reader, so i’ll try to follow the request a bit more closely next time]

TW- {Self harm mentions, not super graphic, but it is a bit detailed, mentions of kidnapping and su!c!de (briefly), Eating habits mentioned, but not detailed at all, disassociation scenes, 2 of them i think, use of y/n}

1.2k words, enjoy

You looked down at your watch, watching the second hand tick all the way around the circle, desperately trying not to look up. If you looked up, all you would see is the dissapointed face of your best friend, Spencer.

You were sat on a stool near his kitchen counter. Usually if you were sitting here, there would be laughter and smiles, maybe pizza or some freshly baked cupcakes, but this was different. You only ever saw Reid like this once, when he sat you down to talk to you about your eating habits. You swore you would never do anything that would make him that upset again. You never wanted him to worry about you. He had enough on his plate, you would only be a burden. And yet, here you are.

You thought you were hiding it well, to be honest you really were. You never let anything slip, not a wince, not a complain, nothing. No one knew a thing, until today.

You were finishing a case, a rough one if you’re being honest. There was a young girl, one with scars everywhere, self inflicted. Everyone thought she had killed herself, except you and Reid. You both fought hard to find the girl. The team did end up finding her, she was trapped in some freaks attic. The case was closed, she was found, it was fine. You told yourself it was fine, you did your best to convince yourself that it didn’t bother you. It wasn’t until you were filling out your case reports that you finally let yourself dwell on it. You could hear Derek’s voice so clearly in your head, “Is it possible that she took her own life? It’s clear she has suicidal tendencies.” Even after JJ and Hotch explained the complexities of non-suicidal self injury, his words still rang in your head. You dont even know why it bothered you. I wasn’t judgmental, it wasn’t disrespectful, it wasn’t even a bad theory, but it rattled you. It’s like you could perfectly imagine them talking about you like that, like you were nothing but your habits. You knew that wasn’t how Morgan meant it, he was doing his job, you would do the same for any other case, but this one just stung.

As you thought about it, you faded into your mind. It’s like you weren’t even there at your desk, you were inside your head. Your nails found there way to your other hands knuckles. You were good at hiding the marks, and it was easy to lie about them. They were your hands, anyone would believe that you just knicked them, or got them stuck in your car door, or that your neighbors cat was a playful fella, or the countless other excuses you had saved in your resevoir. You never hurt youself in public, or when people could catch you, except today apperently. Your finger was red and bleeding by the time you snapped out of your haze. Or rather, was rudely dragged out of our haze by Spencer. You blinked a few times as you focused on him and what he was saying.

“Y/n stop that.” His hands were on yours. You were frozen for a second, your mind almost buffering, before the reality of that moment actually dawned on you. Without speaking a word you pulled your hands back and stoop up from your desk.

You grabbed your bag, sliding your unfinished report into your desk drawer, before beginning to walk off, “Good work Spence, I’ll see you tommorow.” You made your way to the elevator, ttrying to avoid the obvious footsteps following you. He put his hand on your shoulder as you made your way out of the building, gently guiding you to his car. You didn’t fight it, you knew you couldn’t, and you would really rather not make a scene in your work parking lot. You listened to the hum of his car air conditioner as he drove the all familiar route to his appartment. 

That’s how you ended up here. A few warm tears falling down your cheeks while Spencer silently stares at your shrunken figure. He was trying to find the words that he wanted to say, which was never a good thing. He was the Spencer Reid, he always knew what to say. 

He finally cleared his throat, after what felt like ages, “Non-suicidal self injury is a habitual addiction, but it’s possible to recover from it. You just have to tell someone about it, that’s step one. That’s always been step one. We’ve talked about this.”

“I know Spence. I’m sorry.” Your voice was small. You felt small compared to your all knowing best friend. You knew everything there was to know about self harm, sometimes it was the only thing you wanted to read about or learn about, sometimes you felt like it was the only thing you knew about,  but you knew this was how Reid helped, so you tried to stay calm as you let him tell you everything that you already had memorized. 

“We’re friends y/n, you can talk to me.”

You huffed at that, mumbling a small, “Yea friends.”

“You’re deflecting.” He sounded softer, you hurt him. You were deflecting, and now you feel worse than you did before. You hated this, you wanted to go home and relive this day. Your nails started to sink into the skin on your thigh.

“Why do you keep doing that?” Great, Spencer saw. Spencer knows. Spencers going to think your insane, he’s going to talk about you like your a victim. He’s going to talk to you like a baby and look at you like your bleeding out in front of him. He’s never going to think about you the way you think of him, your just some charity case for him. He doesn’t -

His hand grabs yours, taking it away from your leg. Before your brain can catch up with you, your arms are wrapped around him, pressing your face into his torso. Your tears are falling more freely now. You feel his hands run through your hair and rub against your back. You never feel more safe than you do when your in his arms, your thoughts can’t catch you here. 

You aren’t sure how long you stay like that before you gently pull away from him. You sit patiently as he examines your hands. You can see the hurt in his eyes, you do your best to ignore it. 

“I love you, y/n. I don’t want you to do this to youself. You can get help for this. You can talk to me about it if you need to.” He was soft, but not condescending. You could feel yourself melt, as though you needed another reason to love him.

“I can’t do that, I’ll just be a burden. This isn’t your baggage to carry.” You started to pull away again.

“It’s still your baggage, I just want to help you carry it. Let me help you, please.” His voice pulled you right back in.

You wiped the remaining tears from your face, “Okay Spence.” He sighed in relief, taking your hands and leading you to the couch. You both sat, you resting your head against his chest. You didn’t have to talk about it now. You knew you would eventually, but that's another thing about Spencer, you felt comfortable. You didn’t feel anxious about the impending conversations to be had, you weren’t stressing about him watching you or knowing your secrets, you simply felt safe. That was enough for now.

[aspd-culture]

hey, so i recently did some research and took the mmpi and a few other tests that i knew were well regarded as diagnostic tools by professionals, as well as self reflection and matching myself with criteria. (all tests found free probably illegally online via links on reddit cause i dont got that kind of money) and it appears that i have aspd.

I consider myself a good person, i try to always be good to everyone which is a lot of effort because it’s something i dont do naturally, and imo that makes me better than a “normal person” but i digress

finding this out, while relieving in the way that it explained a lot of stuff, has also made me feel more alienated. i cant tell anyone im close to because theyll just hear “sociopath” and think i dont care about them or ive been manipulating them this whole and leave, and i wont be able to find new people because im bad at connecting with others so ill be alone. and no one online with aspd seems to have my experiences (also a lot of the online spaces are filled with pwBPD and pwNPD using our tag lmao and i dont relate to them either obviously) so i feel alien here too.

I dunno, finding this out was helpful in some ways but in others i just feel worse.

I guess it’s a net good now that i know that my way of thinking and going through life doesnt make me a bad or manipulative person its just how i naturally think bc of my disorder, and as long as im choosing to be good to people it shouldn’t matter. i just wish it wasnt so stigmatized to have, and i wish people would realize that i am capable of being a good person just as much as they are, i just have my own way of doing it.

I actually dont get why having it Come Naturally is such a good thing anyway, isnt it more meaningful if someone isnt “good by nature” but actively chooses to be anyway? I think it means less and is less reliable if someone is good by nature because then it means that they don’t actually know how or why theyre doing it, and if they have a moment of fluctuations in their empathy then they could be worse than any of us disordered folk who had to learn they why and how of this stuff.

lmfao ok uh sorry for having a character arc in your ask box you can delete if you want idc

No, no worries! I'm sorry it took me this long to get to honestly because yeah I agree with this - it is in my opinion objectively better to do good things by choice, even when it's hard for us. And, in fact, the NTs feel that way too but they don't like that it applies to us.

It's a whole cliche people like to throw around, that it isn't easy to be a good person and that the only truly good people are the ones that doing it when it's hard too - that the easiest thing isn't always the right thing, all of that. They just don't like that those things apply to us too and therefore we are very much their definition of good people.

The world has so much stigma against us, and I'm sorry you're struggling with it, that any and all of you are. We shouldn't be treated this way as a result of us being mistreated as kids. It's not our fault, but we're labeled and demonized anyway. And it sucks, and even though it says everything about them and nothing about us, people believe them bc they're so used to thinking we're the scary ones so we must be wrong.

That seems to be slowly changing, and I hope I (and you) are around to see when it does.

Plain text below the cut:

No, no worries! I'm sorry it took me this long to get to honestly because yeah I agree with this - it is in my opinion objectively better to do good things by choice, even when it's hard for us. And, in fact, the NTs feel that way too but they don't like that it applies to us.

It's a whole cliche people like to throw around, that it isn't easy to be a good person and that the only truly good people are the ones that doing it when it's hard too - that the easiest thing isn't always the right thing, all of that. They just don't like that those things apply to us too and therefore we are very much their definition of good people.

The world has so much stigma against us, and I'm sorry you're struggling with it, that any and all of you are. We shouldn't be treated this way as a result of us being mistreated as kids. It's not our fault, but we're labeled and demonized anyway. And it sucks, and even though it says everything about them and nothing about us, people believe them bc they're so used to thinking we're the scary ones so we must be wrong.

That seems to be slowly changing, and I hope I (and you) are around to see when it does.

[sillysnack]

mmgmhmhmmmmm click for toritsuka and maybe torisai thoughts........ im so sad i dont think i've seen kurumi and reita interact? maybe they did Idk #fake fan 😞 but yeah heres some toritsuka with kurumi and kusuo. kuniharu's at work idk.

i have to tell you all i never really knew where i was going with this. omg.

toritsuka who. i assume hasnt rly met saikis parents and just hears mentions in conversations with saiki. almost every mention comes with a ridiculous (at least, to toritsuka) background. saiki's like "im used to it"– toritsuka's bewildered. sure he's had an unusual upbringing as well, being raised in a temple full of monks, but hearing about saiki's parents... if hes being honest with himself, toritsuka doesnt know what he expected.

one day, toritsuka does meet saiki's mom as he stops by saiki's home, hoping to ask him to hang out. its then that toritsuka gets invited by saiki's mom to stay inside the house and wait for kusuo to get home. toritsuka wonders just how far the apple fell from the tree. saiki's mom is so lively in comparison to her son. eh, it's not really a deal-breaker. toritsuka mentally shudders at the thought of saiki with kurumi's attitude.

as how he makes conversation with everyone, toritsuka introduces himself as a spirit medium. he reveals he has powers, though he comments that it is nothing as impressive as any of saiki's powers. kurumi reassures him that any power is impressive. after all, there are only a few of them who are blessed with such abilities, no?

toritsuka can only nod. he doesn't really feel the sentiment resonate with him.

anyway! kurumi is really glad, though, to have found out that kusuo is friends with someone his age who also has powers. she hopes toritsuka and kusuo stay friends for a long time.

toritsuka nods again. this time, he shares the sentiment. he really hopes he and saiki stay friends for a long time, as well. saiki's his first friend, after all. maybe even the only person he can really call a friend. (toritsuka makes a mental note that he means no offense to aiura, he's just worried they aren't at that point yet.)

kurumi tells toritsuka that she was actually in the middle of making coffee jelly for kusuo. she assumes saiki's probably bought his own on the way home, but nothing beats anything homemade with the special ingredient called a mother's love, right?

toritsuka agrees with kurumi's assumption before revealing his living situation. the two talk for a bit, have a heart-to-heart, before kurumi asks reita if he wants to help out in making the coffee jelly for kusuo.

of course, reita says yes. he figures it would be a fun activity.

.

finally, kusuo arrives home. he had gone out to run errands on his mothers behalf and is greeted with kurumi's warm acts of affection. naturally, kusuo softens at such gestures. he doesn't really mind the fact that toritsuka could see this more domestic side of him.

although kusuo pretends he didnt just hear toritsuka think he was cute at that moment.

"ah! reita and i made you coffee jelly"

kusuo turns to toritsuka with a slight surprised look on his face. he doesnt even call him by his name. toritsuka rolls his eyes at saiki and tells him to just eat. the coffee jelly is great. he cant believe toritsuka even had a hand in making the sweet treat. he quickly shoots a half-assed apology at reita for even assuming he'd be shit at anything related to making food of any kind. though he assumes its because his mother still helped.

kurumi reveals that reita made a few cups all by himself, including the one kusuo was eating at the moment.

hm.

kusuo and reita lounge in kusuo's room. still, he cannot belueve that toritsuka reita had made such tasty coffee jelly. it's an easy thing to make, but given reita's history with simple tasks...

"i wanted to impress you." reita grins before asking if it worked, to which saiki would reply with an opening to a different conversation topic (cringe)

reita considers it his victory, and even thinks of baking more sweets in the future for kusuo. reita rarely ever cooks for himself, so its surprising to him as well when the thought even crosses his mind. though, as long as kusuo is involved, he isn't surprised with how quick he is to stick to his idea.

kusuo would be the first to taste every one of reita's baking. it is an unspoken agreement between the two of them.

[ishouldgetadiary]

there are definitely cleverer people to discuss this at length than me and there are probably people who already have and come to the same or better conclusions, but i do just want to say that an aspect of kim kitsuragi i can't get over is his disconnect from being seolite (outside of the racism). i don't know, it's very important to have asian characters with strong cultural ties who have that culture accurately expressed through their character/stories and i do love those characters, but it's somewhat rarer to see the alternative (at least, when race and culture is acknowledged at all), let alone it being a point of pride for them, the same way it is for kim. all of this to say, i feel haunted by what he says when you ask him about his heritage.

i didnt ask him about it on my first run (because i found the way the question is initially asked to be kinda rude and i was afraid of if it'd make him like me less, lol) but i did in my current replay and the way he dances around the topic, 'i'm half seolite, well technically, my parents were both quarter, i guess you could also say im quarter, i don't know the language or culture and i've only lived in revachol', it fucks me up so bad! first is how you can tell it's mostly a defensive tactic for him, at least when he starts the rant— somebody asks about the race thing? deflect. i'm only half. i don't even know the language. i'm not one of those seolites. second is how he loosens into pride when he realises/remembers that harry isn't asking to be racist, he is genuinely having trouble remembering that the concept of race exists, but also because it lets kim kinda show that it is something to be prideful about in revachol.

dont get me wrong— i think kim kitsuragi is genuinely proud of being as revacholian as anyone else. he loves revachol. i dont think he’d go along with harry so easily on random side quests or have opinions on if harry helps or hinders the people of martinaise if he actually didnt care. i dont even know he’d still be a cop or (more accurately) be one for as long as he has been, especially when he’s spent most of it as a juvie officer, if he didnt believe in revachol. it’s people, what it is, and what the country could be. people like to take his position as a police officer as just his way of feeling a sense of power in a post revolutionary (khm. and racist) world that has never had the space for him or his dreams, but kim is more three dimensional than that. ESPECIALLY when there are ways that being a cop gives him less power than regular citizens in revachol. he likes, wants, and believes in both, and that’s not necessarily hypocritical. in the same way, i dont think it’s at all hypocritical that his pride is rooted in both his love for revachol AND the way white supremacy has impacted him. because yk, when he’s proud about his lack of connection to his heritage, it’s not just his love for revachol speaking, it’s also the disdain that we, the player, hear for seolite people (at least what we hear from or related to kim).

that all being said, i dont consider that to be a terribly complex thought at all— real life people are complicated and multifaceted, so kim kitsuragi is written to also be complicated and multifaceted. in disco elysium, the writers are never worried about presenting the world in a better or worse way than it already is. yes, it is definitely a heightened version of our reality, but it also presents everything as direct as possible. case example would be the racist lorry driver in what he says versus how he’s presented. in that very first interaction when kim confronts him and harry catches up on what just happened, he denies and hides in the same way a lot of people deny and hide that they are being racist, but you, the player, cannot avoid or pretend he isnt being racist, because it is literally in his name. you are not given the grace of real life where there is the option of either the benefit of the doubt or genuinely questioning your own assessment. despite all of that, ultimately, it is still haunting for that early kim question to be so reminiscent of what i see in real life.

in the example of a shorter ramble, kim's own ramble weirdly reminds me of myself, but in the opposite direction. i very easily and quickly tumble into word vomit and over-detail my heritage just to make it make sense that my name isnt white. and i'm not gonna boohoo over my own personal situation at all when i know i benefit from white supremacy, but i hate that ultimately, white supremacy ‘won’ when it comes to 'me'. because just like kim kitsuragi, i don't know a language that isn't english, i dont know a different culture, and i've only lived in my predominantly white country.

but a more apt comparison is my own father. a man who’s internalised shame cant even allow him to comprehend why somebody white would want a tan, because he’s always been at least a little tan, and that’s part of what ‘clocks’ him as not fully white, who does try to connect with his mother’s culture, but just kind of ended up with only odd bits and pieces of it and the language, because it was something that would’ve just made life harder than it should be, and despite everything, he’ll still do things like dunk on chinese people. there may be more to say, but you get the gist. and yet somehow none of it has quite reaches the point where he can recognise it in himself. because he knows racism and white supremacy is bad and he’s obviously against it, but it is hard to acknowledge that it is greater than just the lorry drivers and measureheads of the world. because we live with the consequences and the rot of white supremacy within us. assimilation has done it's job to it's logical conclusion.

… and yet it is a limbo, and a hollow one at that. regardless of how white i am, i still dont fully relate to my fully white peers, because there are ways in which i dont share in their accepted shared experiences. my father has never felt accepted in either club, ‘too japanese for white australians and too australian for japanese people’ (can you believe that disco elysium was almost banned from my country)! our fully white peers will never know what it’s like to be able to look at the face of a complete stranger of a different race and see family. to see their aunts, or grandparents, or parents.

but kim kitsuragi talks of that limbo with pride. he may never feel a true sense of community with either white people or other seolites, and this is something his brain seems to choose not to fully acknowledge, even though he definitely feels it. and really, it’s haunting in the same way i find both my father’s and my involvement in society disconcerting. the truth that, in spite of where white supremacy and assimilation can get you, you will never truly achieve the community or peace of mind there is in ignorance.

despite all that, on a brighter note, i do think that in terms of what kim truly likes harry for and what gains his trust in him is the choice for harry to be that sense of community he needs. (if i am remembering right) kim will only really trust you if you chose to defend him from the several racists you’ll encounter and make jokes at their expense with him, because it’s highly HIGHLY unlikely that barely anybody goes through that effort for him. even when it’s pretty clear that the writers were going for humorous ‘haha, white guy trying his best to be an ally’ dialogue choices, kim himself doesnt really show that he finds it obnoxious or unwanted, it’s genuinely something he would rarely get other rcm members even though that is the community he’s definitely and wholly part of.

anyways i have no idea if this post made any sense or if im really wrong (i could be!) because it came from a more personal place than maybe typical character analysis but whatever

[dryfloor]

What’s wet floor’s now or never controversy thoughts 💭? Sorry if someone already asked this

in terms of posting my blog is pretty new (like not even 7 days yet i think?) so i havent been asked much. this is a new question and honestly a great one because it crossed my mind sometimes but not in depth

i think wf and sqsq/front roe in general is a funny situation because i dont think the other three even give a fuck about sqsq-related things. its mizo and ryley on their hyperfan bullshit carrying and kagi is probably like "[passive aggressive stressed out overstimulated voice] i dont think i formed the band so that we could talk about another band all day but hey if youre cool im cool!" so i think other than mizo and ryley no one has an opinion on the NoN thing because no one has an opinion on sqsq in general. as for mizo and ryley who Do give fucks though...

i think anything negative about squid squad that shatters her dangerously idealized image of them immediately blows ryleys brain up so they probably just try to skirt around any suspicious topics near her such as the circumstances of the disbandment/hiatus and the NoN situation. i think if she found out about it she would be like "yeah but people can say whatever baseless stuff they want on twitter. it was probably just a troll [HOMEGIRL DOESNT EVEN KNOW THAT THIS IS BAKER FROM FUCKING C-SIDE!!!!!!!]". if she was presented with irrefutable evidence that it was plagiarized she would probably try and pardon it by saying that at this point there are so many different NoN covers, including versions by insanely famous idols like the squid sisters, that it doesnt really matter who made the original. thats just what comes out of her mouth though. it probably keeps her up paranoid at night

i think mizo would think its pretty scummy and low of them to do but he would mostly be hung up on the compositional aspects of it. if baker is being honest and c-side really did make the original NoN, then it reflects poorly on squid squad that their version is so rhythmically dumbed down in comparison, especially because he takes a lot of hints from squid squads music for his own compositions. if squid squads NoN is mid, thats more fuel for his ego, as someone with his own version of NoN. he seems like the type to not particularly be interested in how other people are affected by foul plays as long as it doesnt involve him. like, if on the other hand a wf song was getting plagiarized, i think hed be mad, but otherwise he could probably care less

(kagi mentally screaming at max volume on the sidelines after hearing these opinions "CAN YOU TWO DO ME A FAVOR AND AT LEAST PRETEND TO SLIGHTLY GIVE A FUCK IF THE PRESS ASKS YOU. I THINK IM GOING TO PASS AWAY FROM STRESS IF YOU GUYS SAY SOMETHING CRAZY ABOUT THIS ON AIR")

[mcytscienceside]

Some questions for the Purgatory Royal AU :D

(most of them will be Soulfire related, because I love Soulfire so so much)

• You said Eggs will be a part of it. What about new ones? Do you plan to include them as well?

• Is Tubbo in any way connected to Chayanne and Tallulah? Considering that I assume him and Phil are not close.

• Are they all human + angel Phil? Or their canonical species are still included?

• What’s Niki’s role in the Soulfire Kingdom?

• Are their kingdom/bases aesthetic similar to the Purgatory? I dont mean the whole mountains/jungles/etc bit, I mainly mean if their bases specifically influenced your visions and designs (does Soulfire still have the prettiest kingdom?))))))))

• Are Bagi and Bad friends?

• If it’s not too much, tell me about Tubbo’s dynamics with as many characters as you want. I love the idea of him as a young king just trying his best, and I adore most of the dynamics he has in canon, so I just want to hear more (especially for Blue Co-leaders and CritDuo)

SOULFIRE SWEEP!! HEHEH...once more this got away from me so have a read more XD

New eggs are planned to be introduced later on! I haven't decided how just yet but I feel like a lot of the newer eggs will make intresting dynamics with all the kingdoms still being mid-war with each other basically. Tubbo's not connected to the two here in this au, sadly, I'd love to have them meet but he's not their godfather. Though work with me here, non-canon to this au for rn, but Tubbo on a diplomatic mission and suddenly meeting these two kids not realizing their Phil's. Just acting like he does with any child and their instantly enamored by the young man. CANONICAL HYBRID AND SPECIESSS, I can't make any au even slive of life where everyone is human, it's not my speed. Everyone in this has some kinda weird hybrid traits or otherwise something special for me and me alone. Niki's role to me in much of the soulfire streams wasn't agriculture or fighting but in general she was very much a scout. I can see her being very stealthy and trying to stay hidden while spying or scouting ahead of any party. Oh yes!! bases definitely had an influence but since these kingdoms have been around for a long while it means they're a lot more developed in their aesthetics! Soulfire definitely still has that warm glow to it that the og base had. I need to draw like a small room from each of these kingdoms and how it would look! maybe the kings rooms? That might be fun! :D Bagi and Bad are friends, or well as close as you can get at first when a demon council member finds you flirting with his co-worker. He found out quickly that Bagi and Tina have a thing and has been an annoyance since but he did also vouch for bagi and the other half of ggn when they came for help from Soulfire. TUBBO TIME HEHE. Lets start with co-leaders! Bad def gets on tubbo's nerves at first, trying to 'assist' him as a new king, however the two regularly are on the same wavelength about issues. Though bad does sometimes go extreme in his methods...Bad also is the one to regularly train Tubbo and give him the latest gadgets for battle. Tina meanwhile is constantly updating Tubbo on whats going on in the internals of soulfire, she's his eyes and ears for the base, she's one of his right hands and he knows that if he asks her for something she will have it done as fast as she can. Tubbo and Etoiles where good friends, seeing as Etoiles was already close to Aypierre, the two of them have known each other for longer than Tubbo has been king. He looks up to Etoiles in certain things and has always enjoyed one upping the other king in other regards. They where the honorable fighters, the ones who always kept their morlas, they where the two who understood each other in battle. Their relationship however takes a huge hit when Etoiles joins Bolas, even if he's still the honorable fighter, Tubbo won't forgive him for what he did. Tubbo's relation to the other king, Phil, is far more...strange. Phil of course has a poor relationship with Soulfire but when it comes to Tubbo the angel seems to view him in a semi-positive light. Tubbo is young, stubborn, and full of life. He would do amazing things if not cooped up with soulfire. Phil will eventually extend a hand to Tubbo, to go the same way as GGN, to give everything up for the freedom he promises. Another relationship I really wanna explore for him is his relationship to Aypierre. Since I kinda wanna keep a semi-antagonistic vibe they have in canon but in the lighthearted way they have pranks and jabs. It's not until things get very scary that they start fighting but for the most part I want them to feel like real brothers. They will jab, tease, prank and yell at each other but in the end Aypierre will always want Tubbo to be safe and protected. Tubbo will also always want his brother safe and away from anymore accidents (we can't keep building robots!!) Hope this was good!! It def is long I have a lot of ideas for this !!!