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#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately
toastsnaffler
·
2 months
Text
weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together
#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week
#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds
#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn
#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself
#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates
#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard
#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh
#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism
#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since
#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on
#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it
#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions
#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf
#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead
#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths
#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea
#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke
#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close
#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual
#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all
#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves
#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me
#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway
#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3
#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately
#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that
#.diaries
#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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