#and then i had to come home and do precalc and take care of the dog and do the dishes and clear off the table

[justmossyaps]

y’all ever feel like you’re trying to diffuse several bombs while a bomb is also strapped to your chest? cause my friends are sad and angry and not feeling well so i’m trying to take care of them and cheer them up and be the comic relief and also my parents are stressed so im trying to help them calm down and do the cleaning and stuff for them so they can go relax and my dog is crazy so i have to help wear him out so he doesn’t stress my parents out more and im constantly trying not to have a meltdown and also look like im not about to pass out every time i stand up and it’s just like UGH. i can physically feel tension in the air and it’s like aghhhhhh i can’t breathe

[fallout-drabbles-n-stuff]

Kind of sad but I just failed my precalc exam, can I request romanced companions comforting a sad sole, please?

(I’m so sorry, don’t give up! Your grades don’t define you, hope you enjoy.)

Cait:

“Hey, whatever it is babe, you’re stronger.”

Surprisingly enough, she’d be pretty dang good at comforting you- or at least getting you out of your mood and distract your mind. She’d simply sit you down, have you explain what was wrong, and then pump you up with strangely encouraging words. All while she gave you that untamed, gorgeous grin.

Curie:

“Oh darling, what seems to be the problem?”

The very second she felt that you were sad, she dropped what she was doing to be at your side. depending upon the severity of the issue, she’ll play it safe and get you to explain what caused your mood- brushing pieces of your hair out of your face as she coos soft, sweet words to you.

Danse:

“I’m admittedly not the very best at this kind of thing, *scoff*, you know that..but..just come see.”

Staying true to his ways, Danse ends up overcomplicating what he originally intended to do to comfort you. However, you meant so very much to him and seeing you even the slightest bit sad. As such, he’ll allow his actions to speak louder and rely on what one of his friends taught him..

Grabbing you in a gentle embrace, the Paladin would take you to your shared bedroom where he would proceed to lay back against the bed- ushering you to his side before he held you close.

Deacon:

“Honey..come on, let’s go take a walk..”

Seriousness was something that was rarely shown by the spy, however when it came to your emotions- he always took them serious. As such, he’d frown just a little- grabbing you by the hand before urging you to take a walk. Then he’d take the time out, completely devoted to you, to talk and figure out what’s up. He figures a change in scenery is the best.

Gage:

“Do I need to bash someone’s skull in?”

It’s probably not the best to tell him of all people that you’re sad. It’s not because he doesn’t care, because believe me, he cares a lot. It’s just that he isn’t exactly well versed in how to coddle someone, instead he’s ready to go seriously fuck up whatever made you unhappy.

Hancock:

“It’s alright sunshine, how about we take today off? Hm, just me, you, and a whole lot of snuggles? Sound good?”

Whatever the reason you’re sad, Hancock has this magical way of making you forget all about it. In a nutshell, he likes to pamper you- making sure to put whatever missions you had on temporary hold so he can devote the entirety of the day to cheering you up.

Macready:

“Hey sweetness, don’t cry. Look, I’ve gotcha.”

He’s surprisingly very sweet when it comes down to comforting you. He also has really good intuition, so even if you don’t wish to outright tell him that you’ve sad- he’ll figure it out. So, it’ll probably shock you at first- but next thing you know, you’re spilling your feelings as he practically cradles you.

Maxson:

“Forgive me for not being able to tend to this matter sooner....are you alright?”

Arthur would feel so damn guilty..automatically assuming that there was some way he could’ve prevented you feeling so low. However, he’ll suck it up.

Within the private confines of your shared room, Arthur would approach you with a gentleness in his gait that only you had the privilege of seeing. He’d then cup your cheek in his hand and press a kiss to your head, only departing so he could sit on his bed, quick to beckon you over so you can tell him your woes.

Nick:

“I’m truly sorry doll, hmm..up for a distraction?”

Much to your pleasure, Nick’s go to method of comforting is wrapping you up in an old blanket and putting on the projector- allowing some old pre-war film he salvaged to play as he cuddles you.

Old Longfellow:

“Hey cap, you know im here for you if you want to talk. Don’t beat yourself up too bad though.”

Of course, his reaction to any negative feeling is to promptly pour the both of you a drink. Nudging the glass in your hand, he’d give you an expecting gaze, patiently waiting for you to take it upon yourself to explain.

Piper:

“Blue, we’re in this together- let me know what I can do to make you feel better.”

She’s damn good at making you feel better, firstly offering up kind words and a warm smile- but secondly, she’d make sure to eliminate any extra stressors your environment might behold, allowing you to fully recuperate.

Preston:

“My love, come here.”

His go to way of comforting you is, of course, a big hug. It’s just the start though. Next thing you know, you’re being drug back to your shared home, given a warm drink and wrapped in a blanket with your boyfriend leaning in with his hands on his knees and an expression that practically said “tell me everything.”

Sturges:

“Aw baby cakes, I hate seeing you sad. What’s wrong?”

He’s really bad about coddling, like, terrible. Even if it’s something minor, he’ll treat it like the end of the world if you’re sad. When it comes down to comforting you, he’ll do what he does best and fixes up a little trinket for you- maybe even a piece of jewelry with intricate engravings.

X6-88:

“Do you..um, perhaps feel up to shooting some raiders?”

He’s really bad at comforting...did you expect anything different? I mean honestly, did you? Hope not because the very thing he does is try to help you through things that help him- so...shooting raiders it is.

[shookethbrooketh]

Church Boy - Chapter 5

He looked so peaceful while asleep, as if it was his favorite activity. Phil didn’t blame him; he didn’t mind watching it either. His brown hair curled neatly on the top of his head in a way Phil had never seen before, and he couldn’t help but wonder why he ever straightened it. The curls were in: in Phil’s head. It just made him look a certain type of soft that you wouldn’t expect from looking at any other aspect of him. Sleeping, Dan just looked so pretty to Phil, as if he could just lean right over and kiss him.

Description: Phil’s lived in the same town and gone to the same church his entire life. But when his pastor leaves, a new one comes in, with his teenage son Dan in tow. He’s broken; real broken. And he thinks Phil’s just another church boy that’s going to hate him just as much as everyone else he’s ever met, but maybe he’s just going to be the one that can fix all his broken parts.

Genre: AU, High School, Strangers to Lovers

Chapter Warnings: Swearing

Fic Warnings (Not Final!): Heavy Speak of Religion, Heavy Homophobia, Swearing, Discussion of Sex, Fighting with Family

Chapter Word Count: 1.5k Total Word Count: 10.3k

Read it on Ao3! Read it on Wattpad! Fic Masterlist

“Fuck Precalc, honestly,” Dan said on the ride home. His second day at school had gone well, minus the fact that he had no clue what was happening in Chemistry and, well, fuck Precalc. “What does she even mean ‘draw a picture with triangles’? That could mean, like, five different things!” 

“You gotta use all those stupid trig formulas,” Phil said, glancing over at Dan in the passenger seat. “I’m assuming you’ve forgotten those.” 

“Definitely,” he said. “And why is it a partner project? It seems simple enough for one person to do.” 

“Says the one who doesn’t know any of the formulas.” 

Dan rolled his eyes. “Touche. But seriously.” 

“Maybe it’s to help those of us who have a little thing called lack of artistic ability.” 

“You do the math, I do the art?” 

“Solid.” 

The car was silent for a moment before Dan finally furrowed his brow and turned to Phil. “When is that thing even due?” 

“Tomorrow.” 

“TOMORROW!” Dan shouted so loud Phil almost jerked the wheel. “That’s so little time! We’ll never finish by tomorrow!” 

“Dan, you don’t even know what we’re doing.” 

“Projects always take more than a day; everyone knows that.” 

Phil laughed as he pulled up to Dan’s house. “Whatever you say. See you in the morning.”

Dan slid out of the car, taking his backpack with him. “See ya,” he said with a smile. As he walked to his house, he couldn’t help but think about the project. He was definitely one to stress over schoolwork, and the fact that he was working with Phil didn’t help. What if they didn’t finish? Would they hang out after school? Would he be able to contain himself? It sounded like the end of a cheesy sitcom, followed with a ‘find out next week on Dan’s Anxieties!” He sighed, throwing open the screen door to his new house. He went to the kitchen and grabbed a few pieces of food before retiring to his room, where he’d be until the following morning. 

Dan sat half-dead in the passenger seat of Phil’s car that morning; he had made some unwise choices the previous evening in not sleeping much, and he was really kicking himself for it. It wasn’t like him at all to not sleep; sleep was sacred. But for some reason, the new house had a vibe that just screamed “I haven’t slept properly since 1947, and I never will again″. Between that and his anxiety keeping him up he’d probably only slept about eight hours...in the last three nights. And, especially with the fact that he normally slept really well, it was starting to take its toll on him. 

He was dressed sloppily, wearing the same sweatshirt he slept in with some black jeans and Converse. He hadn’t even bothered to straighten his hair, which pained the hell out of him, but he was just too tired. He could barely even keep his eyes open on the ride to school, and when Phil finally spoke to him it felt distant, and it took him a couple seconds to realize he was even talking.

“Huh?” 

“I asked if you were okay; you seem really zoned out this morning.” 

“Yeah, sorry, I’m just exhausted.” 

“High school, huh?” Phil laughed. 

“Yeah, that. Sure.” He leaned his head back against the seat and reclined it as far down as he could. The second he took his hand off the lever, he was out like a light. 

Phil looked over at Dan for a moment, not wanting to wake him. His phone told him there were still 15 minutes before classes started, so he could just let Dan sleep; he obviously needed it. Phil had no clue how long Dan had slept, but he seemed like his brain was still asleep when he got in the car that morning, and even Phil, who was terrible at reading people, could tell he was going to collapse if he didn’t get any rest. Even fifteen minutes would help. 

Phil wasn’t about to leave Dan in his car, so he reclined his own seat and looked over at Dan. He looked so peaceful while asleep, as if it was his favorite activity. Phil didn’t blame him; he didn’t mind watching it either. His brown hair curled neatly on the top of his head in a way Phil had never seen before, and he couldn’t help but wonder why he ever straightened it. The curls were in: in Phil’s head. It just made him look a certain type of soft that you wouldn’t expect from looking at any other aspect of him. Sleeping, Dan just looked so pretty to Phil, as if he could just lean right over and kiss him. 

Phil suddenly jumped back into his seat, realizing he had been inching closer to Dan with every coherent word of his thought. He sighed, burying his face in his hands. “Great job, Phil, you’ve known the guy three days and you’re already into him.” 

“Huh?” he heard Dan’s voice next to him and jumped for the second time. 

“Nothing! Sorry to wake you.” He smiled through gritted teeth, sweating profusely.

“Are we at school? What time is it?”

“Classes start in ten minutes, and I thought you could use your rest. We can go in now if you want.” 

“Rad,” Dan said, picking up his backpack and throwing the door open. Phil exhaled deeply, pulling his lanky body out of the car. Did Dan hear him? He hoped not. If he did, he definitely wasn’t saying anything about it. Phil could only hope he hadn’t a clue. 

Dan sighed, his exact fear having come true. They spent an entire period in Precalc working diligently (if ‘diligently’ meant occasionally in between absolutely idiotic conversations) on their project and still were only about halfway done. 

“Now what the hell are we supposed to do?” he asked, exasperated, as the two left the classroom. He took a moment to close his eyes and take a deep breath; he had been extremely stressed lately, and the lack of sleep wasn’t helping. 

“Well,” Phil said from his right. “We could go back to my house after school and work on it and then I can take you home. Or we could work on it in town. Whatever you’d like, really.” 

“Town?” Dan asked. 

“Oh, yeah, you just got here. Kids hang out in town after school all the time. I can show you around if you want.” 

“Hell yeah!” Dan said. If he was going to be stuck living in this town, he might as well soak in the culture. In fact, maybe it would even grow on him. Phil certainly already had. 

“Lit. We’ll work there.” 

The rest of the day was one of the slowest Dan could remember; for some reason, he was thrilled to go to town. It was so bizarre; in fact, everything was bizarre. It seemed like when he moved to this new town, a completely different Dan emerged He’d always been a depressed kid who didn’t even have the beginning of a clue of how to deal with his life. His parents were shitty, his work ethic was shitty, and his future looked blatantly shitty. The only thing he actually took seriously was sleeping way too much. But in this new place, things were different.

Dan hadn’t found himself hating his life once since he left the church that Sunday, he had a single person in his life who made him smile constantly, he cared about his schoolwork, he was staying up later than he should, and he was actually excited for almost every event he could think of in his future. It was almost like he was living the normal life he hadn’t seen a glimpse of in years. The even crazier thing was that it was happening because of everything he’d ever despised. He sat through classes in a tiny school, he was surrounded by rednecks, he lived in the middle of butt fuck nowhere, and he met the only person he truly cared about in a church. His entire life had turned around in only three days, and it was because of this crazy new town. No, it wasn’t, he decided. It was because of Phil. 

Everything was because of Phil, and, sure, he was hyped to go to town, but that wasn’t what really had him restless waiting for the final bell to ring. He wanted to spend the afternoon with Phil in the environment in which he thrived. This was his home, and there was nothing he wanted more than to share a space, and even a home, with Phil. He was the first person he’d ever felt like he could have a completely genuine and functional friendship with, and he couldn’t bear to wait to see what it was going to develop into. 

Finally, after what felt like ages, the bell rang, and Dan was the first one out of his class, a new spring in his step as he speed-walked to meet Phil. 

[salty-dracon]

small town happenings

a lot of weird things happen in lily’s little town that no one notices until you examine the context

Val’s room, after the kids are finished filming a video

*post video thing that the ace kids think no one will notice* 

Val: Hey, Brid, you doin’ okay?

Lily: Yeah, you don’t look so good. 

Brid: I don’t know. 

(Lily places her hand on her neck) 

Lily: You’ve got a serious fever. You should go home. 

Brid: My mom made me go to school. I have a 2 degree fever, but I  had a test... 

Val: That’s not good. Come on, I’ll- Lily, get some orange juice. I’m gonna get some Advil for her. Come on. 

(They both leave the room, Angel walks in) 

Angel: Heard you had a fever? 

Brid: It’s only two degrees. 

Angel: You’ve been over a hundred degrees all day and you came here anyway? ... Not that the boy couldn’t use some immunity, considering his eating habits... 

Brid: Sorry. 

Angel: You said you went to school too?

Brid: I told my mom I had a fever, our thermometer wasn’t working, she didn’t believe me... *Angel hugs her from behind* Hey, what are you doing? 

Angel: I can kill them for you. 

Brid: That’s nice, Mr. Perch, but-

Angel: No, really. I can. If things ever get bad... you let me know. I’ll take care of them, and I’d be happy to take you in one the deed’s done.

Brid: Not now. Can you let go of me?

Angel: Sorry. *lets go of her* I’ll call your mum. And don’t hesitate to talk to Val, either. He’s not as fundamentally lacking as he looks. 

(Val and Lily burst back in with orange juice and Advil)

Val: We got the sip!

----------------------------------

Julie’s backyard, and their chickens

Julien: So here’s Athena, enjoying her lunch- come here, darling- *hugs chicken* The whole flock’s been doing pretty well, I think. *footsteps* Oh, uh-

(Brooke stomps in and sits down on her back porch)

Julien: Hey, Brooke. 

Brooke: ... I just made. The fucking stupidest bet. 

Julien: What’s wrong? 

Brooke: So you know how Grey wants to introduce me to the pastor at the Rastafarianism Something-or-other?

Julien: Rastafarianism is an African religion, I thought you told me he was-

Brooke: So, I was complaining to him about how my stupid fucking precalc teacher wants to give a stupid fucking test about stupid fucking derivatives, even though she hasn’t taught shit. So I was complaining about that shit to Grey, and he was like, ‘so you’ll be studying on Monday’ and I was like, yeah! It wasn’t going to be fun, but yeah!

Julien: Fuckin’ hate precalc. 

Brooke: So then, I start yelling about how fucking stupid the test was going to be, and then he was like, “the Lord can’t get you out of your contractual obligations” and I was like “well I sure as hell would like to hang out with a lord that COULD”-

Julien: Oh dear. 

Brooke: -and then he said, “Then I’ll let him know, in exchange for you meeting him if the test is cancelled or postponed.” which is basically code for him taking me to his Proletarian church to meet his pastor because I’m a good girl or something-

Julien: Proletarian is a reference to Marxism. I think you’re trying to say-

Brooke: I’m a BAD GIRL! I’m a BAD ASS BITCH! 

Julien: We know, Brooke. We know. 

Brooke: So I walk into class today, and my teacher fucking tells me that the test has been postponed. Because she accidentally scheduled a date on the same day and had no time to make questions. So she held a review session. 

Julien: Holy shit. 

Brooke: And I’m like, great, how am I gonna weasel my way outta this one? And I get home, and Grey already knows. Like, he’s like, ‘hey I heard from a friend that your test got postponed looks like we can go after all and you still get to do your test’ and then like ‘the lord is happy and so am i’ and I was like no fuck you and I left. 

Julien: And now you’re here. 

Brooke: And now I’m here. 

Julien: Some lord, huh? 

Brooke: No, I refuse to fucking believe that. That ASSHOLE somehow knew that I’d get that test postponed. Like, he’s famous, okay? He must have made a call or something. 

Julien: Did you jump out the window again? 

Brooke: .... No. 

Julien: Wanna help me feed the chickens?

Brooke: ... Yes please. 

------------------------------

Adrian is hanging outside with Larkspur

Adrian: Okay, this fucker, who’s basically my cousin’s beta, thinks he’s a real fucking vampire. 

Larkspur: And this child, who still lives in his mother’s basement and forgot to apply to college twice, thinks he is also a real vampire. 

Adrian: I haven’t aged since 16, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. 

Larkspur: Mentally, maybe. 

Adrian: Fuck you. 

Larkspur: I do age, Adrian, but I maintain my youth. Plus I’ve nearly got my degree. 

Adrian: In what? Bottoming? 

Larkspur: Accounting.

Adrian: Fucking boring. 

Larkspur: Well, at I’ll never be unemployed. Unlike someone. And the world needs good accountants. When the Nazis take over again they’ll need good accountants, and I’ll already be long dead by the time Star Trek happens, so... 

Adrian: ... what the fuck. Okay fine what’s the integral of 2x+5 from 0 to 1?

Larkspur: Six. 

Adrian: Shit. Okay, what’s the integral of 1/x from 3 to 5?

Larkspur: Log of 5/3. 

Adrian: What the fuck? 

Larkspur: Hit me with something harder

Adrian: Intregral of x^3 + x from 6 to 2! 

Larkspur: ....

Adrian: See, that one’s-

Larkspur: -336. You said 6 to 2, so the correct answer’s negative, just so you know. 

Adrian: ... are you shitting me

Larkspur: Accounting just requires adding numbers and memorizing rules and formulas, not integrals. 

(edit: fixed a lot of math)

-----------------------

(Lily is eating cookies with young Ares and Venus)

Lily: God I wish I was you.

Ares: Why? High school’s fun, right? 

Lily: Well... yeah, I guess... 

Venus: Do you wish you were me too, Lily?

Lily: .... Sure? 

Venus: Yay! I wish I was you!

Lily: No, kid, no you don’t... 

Val: You say you hate kids, and then you get along so well with them. 

Lily: Nah, you can just talk to kids, and they’ll give you wisdom. They’re pretty smart in some ways. 

Ares: She’s right. 

Val: What the frick. 

Angel: No swearing around the boys. Alright, the four of you can enjoy some fruit punch-

Ares: It’ll be three if you’re not careful.  

(Everyone drops dead silent) 

Angel: Three? 

Ares: Because everyone dies, right? 

Lily: Damn, he’s a baby goth. 

Ares: But you won’t die. 

Val: ... what do you mean

Angel: ... yeah what do you mean

Ares: They’ll find you someday.

Lily: I am going to... turn off this recording now... 

----------------------------------

(Tommy and Narin are hanging out near a pool at nighttime)

Narin: We’re going skinny dipping! 

Tommy: And no one’s stopping us!

Narin: And I invited friends! 

Tommy: Wait, what friends? 

Narin: Mai-Mai, Adri, Tawny, and Drake!

Tommy: ... the monster hunting club?

Narin: They’re not real monster hunters-

(They turn around, there’s a set of glowing eyes behind the chain link fence)

Narin: What is that. 

Tommy: R U N

--------------

(AN: Angel has killed and is currently looking for an excuse to kill again, Grey has the ability to chat with the heavens, Larkspur is a real fucking vampire but Adrian isn’t, Ares has the ability to read minds and knows that Angel wants to kill Val even though he can’t quite put it into words, and one of Narin’s friends is a werewolf)

[loftyloftyloftyloftylofty]

Dealing with pressure

Wanted to share how I feel and how I’m dealing with it as this development process continues to grind along. This post doesn’t have any fancy game updates in it. Click ‘Keep reading’ if you’re interested in some slightly more personal stuff.

Cheers everyone! More game updates soon.

Hi. 

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and I think now is as good a time as any to share it.

Before I launch into a huge enormous essay about things, I want to make it clear that I’m not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I think it might be useful for me to put this information out there for other people, and putting this stuff into words helps me get it out of my system.

My life has gone through a whole lot of huge changes lately!

I’ve moved out of a cramped 1-bedroom apartment (that I was sharing with two roommates) into a 2-story, 4-bedroom house (that I’m sharing with the same two roommates, and a new roommate too!).  Moving into a new house is expensive. Today is payday, which means that today marks the end of a pretty tight couple of weeks, money-wise. That stuff has been eating away at me too, but with the four of us in this new place, we’ve managed to remain pretty comfortable, and I expect finances to be much smoother going forward!

Moving to this new house has made the trip to work much easier. I’ve got a full-time job now! A few weeks (Months? Has it been that long?) back, I posted an update about a job doing microcontroller stuff - that actually fell through at the last second, which was a bummer, but that’s okay because I got an easier job that pays better. Our new house is about a mile away from work, which means that instead of the hour+ absolutely ridiculous commute we had from the old apartment, I now have a pleasant 20 minute walk to work every morning. 

To put this change into perspective: our previous arrangements to get to work were nonsensical. The three of us would pile into the car and drive to work to get one of my roommates there on time between 7:30 and 8AM. Then, I’d snooze in the car for an hour before I started my shift at 9AM. After I woke up, my second roommate would drive home, take a nap, and drive back to be at their shift by 2PM. This means that as 6PM rolled around, my first roommate and I would be taking the bus / lightrail home, which meant we’d be lucky to arrive by 9PM. My second roommate got off work at 11 and might be home by midnight, and then we’d all need to be up at 6:30 the next day to do it again. Trying to find time to get things done on that schedule was prettymuch impossible during weekdays, and on weekends we had to take care of stuff that normal people would do during their off hours, like laundry or grocery shopping. It was soul-crushing, and I’m eternally thankful that the ridiculous daily grind is over. You’ve probably noticed that I’ve been more active on the blog lately - it’s because I’m not spending 6 hours getting to and from work anymore!

In other news, one of my two cats managed to sneak out of the house. Attempting to catch her in the new neighborhood is impossible - she’s happy to slink under cacti and cars, and there’s an abundance of fences and other natural obstacles in this neighborhood that keep people out, but cats have no problems with. I’ve seen her lurking around when it gets dark outside, so I know she’s doing okay, but it still stresses me out that she’s not inside where I know she’s safe. To be fair, she was an outside-cat and stray before we adopted her, so she’s probably happier outside, and I’m probably just worrying too much. I could whine about the cat all night; let’s move on. ( The other cat has no interest in going outside and is on my lap as I type this. )

So, with a little bit of insight into the things that have sort of contributed to how I’m feeling lately, let’s talk about the actual feelings themselves and how I’ve been managing them.

Cat Story is entering a new phase in its development. I’m gearing up to push out a second demo that showcases the progress that’s been made since the KickStarter campaign last year. This is incredibly exciting, and I’m very committed to doing my absolute best for this demo, which brings a lot of pressure! 

I think it’s important to mention that I’m confident in Cat Story. I’ve received a huge amount of positive feedback on it as things have been progressing, and feel as though I’ve done a good job so far! 

What’s intimidating is the scope of what’s left to do, which might sound a little bit strange, considering the daily/weekly updates about progress. The truth is, though, that ever since this project started in 2014, there’s been a feeling of having bitten off more than I can chew in the back of my mind that I’ve been doing my best to ignore.

I’m not an expert on psychology, and it’s sort of difficult to put this feeling into words, but here’s a try:

I think that as the list of remaining items becomes smaller and smaller, it’s easier to wrap my head around exactly how much work is left. For some reason that I haven’t figured out yet, it’s terrifying that I can quantify the game’s remaining work with an actual number of needed assets and measurable milestones. I’ve been creating bulleted lists of things that need to be accomplished for the second demo to be ready, and every single item that I check off the list brings a weird dichotomy of catharsis and dread.

I’m happy about each step towards finishing the game! I’m also feeling a little bit of nervousness with each step towards finishing the game. This... awareness, we’ll call it, of the project eventually coming to an end has been growing over time, and has manifested itself in a bunch of different ways. 

I’ve got a bunch of papers tacked to the wall all around my desk with reminders about the daily social media circuit. Possible merchandise distribution channels. Artist commissions. Passwords. I’ve got maybe 30 to  40 different drafts of bulleted lists of things left to do. They’re scattered around my room. I put them in a pile, the cat knocks the pile over, I draft another version, start a new pile, the cycle begins anew. My browser has somewhere in the neighborhood of 400 tabs open and at least 16 of them are Patreon previews. There’s a stack of 15 notebooks next to my desk; sketches, ideas from dreams, water-wrinkled pages from sneaking out of the shower to scribble down a cool thought or some words that sound nice together. 

( No, seriously. There’s 15 notebooks in that first pile, and 3 more in the pile behind it, and a Precalc book. Probably the most useful math book ever. )

I think that part of this weird stress I’m feeling comes from change. After having been working on this project for so long, maybe my brain is having issues coming to terms with the idea that this project will be over soon.

It’s silly. I laugh about it when I think about it. “Guess I’ll just start working on the next game when Cat Story’s done. See you in 8 years. Maybe I’ll still have hair.”

Which game? I’ve probably got 50 valid game ideas spread across these notebooks. 

Will I even have the budget to do another game?

What if my game flops anyway even though I did a really good job?

Tons of scary questions, especially considering all the things I’ve sacrificed for this game to be a success. To name a few, speaking terms with my mom’s half of the family, several friends, and countless hours that could have been spent doing things like making money. When push comes to shove, it turns out that people get pretty salty if you choose your dreams over them. Life tip: surround yourself with people that want to see you succeed, not people that want to live vicariously through you because they made shitty choices.

I am definitely acutely aware of the fact that it’s possible that my game simply won’t attract a large audience. I’m not even sure how to measure my game’s eventual success (or lack thereof). It’s cute and cliche to say that the game will be a success if it funds the next game project, but I feel that I won’t be satisfied unless my game really hits it out of the park, which puts the burden of delivering the best possible product that I can squarely on my shoulders. Unfair expectation? Absolutely. Gonna’ try anyway? Absolutely.

I mean, I wanted this game to be on Steam at the end of last year. And in March of this year. And in June of this year. And in August of this year. Now here we are, waltzing into October and I’m doing everything I can to hopefully have the second demo ready by Christmas. <sarcasm>I’m glad I never set a formal deadline for myself!</sarcasm>

So far, the strategy has been to just take the extra time and do a good job. I am 100% confident that Cat Story has benefited from this approach, even if it kills me that this project is taking so long to complete. I want this to be done. I try to make sure that I get at least something done every single day, even if it’s stupid insignificant stuff like updating documentation, which makes it even more baffling that as I get closer to actually finishing the game, I’m feeling more stressed and anxious about it.

Today, for example, I’ve simply been sorting sprites into slightly-more-organized categories so that they’re easier to find in the editor. Not really worth a blog post, but it’ll probably save me a lot of time throughout the remainder of the project to not have to dig through 8 different places to find sprites for a specific tileset.

I’ve been told I need a vacation. That might be true, but I am pretty sure I’ll have plenty of time for said vacation after Cat Story launches. In the meantime, what’s been working for continuing to make progress is a process of simplifying things down to steps that are incredibly simple, and just walking through those steps one at a time, even if it is painfully slow, because at least it gets results.

I feel that a lot of the people I know would not be able to really deal with this pressure effectively. It’s tough, and it’s also almost entirely self-imposed, so the easy solution is to just not work on the game and become one of those people that gave up.That’s not an option, so to keep myself focused and on-task I’ve been repeating a couple of mantras to myself over and over.

The first is by Bruce Lee.

"Do not have an attitude, open yourself and focus yourself and express yourself. Reject external form that fails to express internal reality.”

To me, this quote has a lot of power. I don’t want to fake-it-until-I-make-it, I simply want to be it. I want to be the guy hosting tournaments and conventions. I want to be the guy sponsoring an e-sports team. I want to be the guy with hundreds of thousands of cheering fans when my new work is revealed at events like E3. Developing this game has helped me take several steps toward that, and I think that doing the best I can is my way of expressing the reality I want. When I am not satisfied with my situation, when I’m pissed off that I’m not already finished with my game project, or when I look in the mirror and know I could be doing better for myself, I usually end up whispering this to myself until I calm down. It’s a process, and I can say honestly to myself that I’m working on it. Lose the attitude. Focus. Express.

The second mantra is simpler. I’m sure I’m not the first one to say it, but I managed to make this one up on my own.

“Accept that you are entitled to nothing, and you will be able to earn anything.”

Everyone has cool ideas. Everyone wants to be understood through the lens of the merit of their ideas and aspirations. The only lens through which others can view you, though, is through that of your accomplishments. You must execute. You must follow through. You must finish. It is exceedingly rare for a half-finished game to become a successful title, and it is unacceptable to rely on that model. Nobody is entitled to a handout. Nobody is entitled to attention. Nobody is entitled to sales. You get out there and if you want sales then you fucking hustle, you get work done, you advertise, you promote yourself, you do a good job, you get results. Results won’t come to you; you have to set things in motion, and then the results fall into place.

The third mantra is actually something I picked up from some random imgur post. I apologize for not having the link to it. A guy was giving life success advice and simplified it to the following:

“Do stuff while you wait for other stuff.”

It’s so true! People who get hung up on a single thing don’t get anything done. I’m pretty sure that everyone is aware of this to some degree or another, but sometimes reading it and being able to actually coalesce it into simple English like that is enough to make it really sink in. It was for me, at least. I’ve been trying to find more ways to apply this in my daily life, like taking bathroom breaks at work while I’m waiting for peer reviews so I’m not wasting time waiting on someone else.

Other than repeating these three phrases to myself over and over, I’ve also found long showers and baths to be helpful in venting stress. Soaking in warm water is nice, and for a long time, it was my only means of getting any real privacy. I have my own room now though, so that’s rad.

So, this post is sort of droning a bit, I’m gonna wrap it up. To recap:

I feel a lot of pressure to make a spectacular game and think I can do it, but still have a nagging fear that despite my best efforts it’ll flop anyway. 

Now that I can measure how much work is left, it’s scary for some reason.

I’ve had a lot going on lately that’s been stressing me out.

So, to deal with these feelings, I’ve been:

Telling myself to lose the attitude and focus on progress.

Telling myself to stop feeling so entitled and just focus on hustling.

Telling myself to keep busy. Do stuff while I wait for other stuff.

Soaking in hot water.

I’ve also got a handful of friends that I’ve had the opportunity to confide in and talk to when I’m feeling overwhelmed. You guys know who you are. Thank you.

...and hey, thanks for reading. Hopefully all of this rambling was useful or relatable in some way. 

I’m gonna’ get back to work.

Cheers nerds.

[queenofairandsnarkness]

friends and family discount

(or, five times Jon’s friends and family just couldn’t let him hog the spotlight)

one.

“Hey, Rhae, you fucked up the grocery shopping,” Aegon said, peeking into her room. Since Asha wasn’t in there, and nothing seemed to be soldering, he looked relieved.

Then the pillow went flying at his head.

“I’ve done dad’s grocery shopping lists since I was ten,” she grumbled, not looking up from her math homework. “If you and Duck want more pizza bagels, put them on the list and I’ll budget it. Or,” she said, sweetly enough he debated slamming the door and running for Jersey, “you can take over the groceries.”

“I got stuck with laundry,” Aegon said, crossing his arms. “ I wash your bras, I shouldn’t have to know my sister’s cup size.”

“Being fair, Edmure was the one who spilled the beans on that one,” Rhaenys pointed out. “Which is why I dumped him, which is why he is failing precalc. And Dad still knows none of this, so no worries.”

“But seriously, we ran out of bread, those soup things dad likes, crackers, milk, and I think we’re almost out of Chex,” he said.

Rhaenys wrinkled her nose. “I just bought a box three days ago, though. Did you or Jon have a sleepover?”

“Guys don’t...” he gave up. “No, King Mopey is giving everyone the silent treatment since Lyanna decided to go with that volunteer group for hurricane relief.”

“We knew it was coming,” Rhaenys said, closing her book. Which, true. Generally, while Dad and Lyanna were weirdly infatuated, once the throwing things stage of their relationship started... Lyanna found an excuse to bolt for a few weeks, clear her head, and restart the cycle. It was enough to make Aegon wish Mom had full custody. “I’ll talk to him.”

~

Aegon followed her as they went down to Jon’s room.

Do we knock? he asked. She shook her head and flung the door open.

Aegon blinked. There was Sam Tarly, one of Jon’s friends who Aegon vaguely knew from sharing an AP class. The kid was a bit of a genius- not Sarella-smart, but smart. He was talking to a pretty pale girl with wavy brown hair and a very obvious pregnant belly.

Jon was looking at Rhaenys and Aegon in horror. “I told you we’d get caught.”

“What happened?” Rhaenys asked, striding in as if her pajama bottoms didn’t have snakes wearing sunglasses on them. “Don’t lie, it’ll make my cover story suck.”

The three looked at each other. Aegon, happy that he wasn’t the one in trouble for doing something stupid this time, grabbed the goldfish crackers and offered them to the girl.

“I...” Jon opened and closed his mouth a few times, and Aegon tried to land a goldfish in his mouth.

The girl tried to hide a laugh as Jon glared at him. Which was good, because he was pretty sure that she wasn’t supposed to be that pale and underfed-looking, and was that a bruise on her wrist?

Eventually the tale came out, about Craster and his farm out in the boonies, how Jon and his buddies had gone out there to drive ATVs, and dragged Sam along. How Sam had met Gilly, who was the girl. And the creepy, creepy, even for Targaryens level of shit going on in the farm. Very Deliverance, he could practically hear the dueling banjos and Uncle Oberyn discussing criminal charges. And that Sam was afraid to shelter Gilly at his house, so Jon wanted to get his Uncle Ned’s help.

Aegon wanted to ask about Sam’s dad, who was some bigwig with the state cops, but he could hear the panic in Sam’s brain whenever his dad was mentioned. And asking their Dad was out of the question- Lyanna would have helped. She would have been a blunt instrument and with about as much delicacy as Jon showed, but she would have helped.

Dad... might have given Gilly a guest bedroom, and refused to make any sort of fuss until she left without a ripple. Some of it, Mom said, was growing up with Granddad Barbecue. It left scars and fears Dad didn’t like to admit existed.

Still, dick moves were made.

“Night classes tonight, so I’ll make dinner,” Rhaenys said. “For all of us- Sam, can you stay for a night or two?”

“I-I-I, um, yes?” Sam blinked, and really, Tarly wasn’t doing too badly when confronted by Rhaenys in all her plotting glory. (Or, as far as Aegon could tell, being a teenage boy and in the same room as Rhae.) “I think he’ll let me stay.”

“Does anyone have any allergies or anything?” she asked. They shook their heads. “Good, good, give me an hour. Gilly, we can talk about what you want to do, and making sure you have stuff.” She went out, ignoring the baffled silence.

She popped her head back in a moment later. “Next time, Jon, use your words.”

two.

“Jon,” his sister said, tilting her head slowly. “Do you have a crush on Satin?”

“I don’t!” he said, and it was a bit embarrassing how his voice squeaked.

She shook her head. “Sweetie, it’s okay. I am speaking from experience, here, your mother doesn’t care, and Dad wouldn’t notice if you were getting him off on the dinner table.” She paused. “Er, Aegon, would, though, so don’t... don’t do that. Not that Aegon would be an asshole, but...”

“It would be rude?” he managed. Rhaenys was almost as bad as Grams or Sansa about being rude. He suspected it had to do with being oldest. Or maybe trying to make up for the family crazy.

“Exactly,” she said, finally. “If it would be rude at my mother’s table, don’t do it. And you totally do- you kept talking about his hair, and his hands, and how he arranged his homework, and got more gushy then Dany did about that rock star she went to go see in concert last year.”

“I didn’t,” he said, but maybe... okay, a little. But it was true! And people were actually rude to Satin about it, and his name, and Jon had maybe gotten into one or two fights about it.

But he’d done the same for Sam, and even Gilly.

(And Sansa, last year, but Rhaenys had heard about that incident, went dead grey, and called her uncles. He wasn’t quite sure what had happened with the Lannisters, but Sansa was friends with Elia Sand now, and Joffrey didn’t go to school in town any more. Or live in town.)

“It’s okay,” she said again. “I’m not going to tease you. Been there, remember? Me and Asha? Boys, girls, people who don’t care to label?” She frowned, sitting on the bed next to him. “Your mom should be home tomorrow, right?”

“That’s why your heading back to your mom,” Jon pointed out. Rhaenys had come back from college for a bit before heading to summer classes so she could finish a semester early for some internship.

“We don’t like each other, it isn’t your fault,” Rhaenys said, absently. “But still, talk to her. She’ll...” She paused. “I’m trying not to insult anyone...”

“Mom will go over the top trying to support me?” Jon said, grinning.

“Little bit,” Rhaenys said. “She got me cake. For the family. The whole Targaryen family. Remember that?”

Jon snorted. Grams had tried to be nice- or forcibly oblivious. Dany had been thoughtful in a way that didn’t bode well for Gram’s white hairs. Vis had been a nightmare, but he and Rhae hated each other.

Dad had actually yelled, and Rhae looked like someone told her Santa did exist.

Though, really...

Maybe Rhae should give this talk to Sansa. In a year or two.

three.

“Seriously, I don’t think...” Sansa bit her lip, and looked from Robb to Jon. “Do you really think Uncle Ben is missing?”

“Has anyone heard from him in the past...” Robb frowned.

“Not since Christmas,” Jon admitted. “He visited Mom and me before taking us to Winterfell.”

Sansa looked at the remnants of Robb’s graduation party.

Uncle Ned had been worried by Uncle Ben not showing up- Mom too, when she blew into town and realized that no one had heard from him.

It wasn’t like Uncle Ben- he went out of town, or on Search and Rescue missions, or whatever, but he always had a rough estimate of when he was coming back, and he never failed to check in.

“What can we do?” Robb asked.

“I can have Sam...” Jon made a typing gesture. “Maybe see if we can find out where Uncle Ben was heading last?”

“And I could find out from Mom what they think is going on,” Sansa said, nodding.

“And I’ll...” Robb frowned. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Keep Rickon and Arya from doing anything too stupid,” Sansa said, nodding to herself.

Which worked, a bit- Sam found out that Uncle Benjen was near the Thousand Islands, and that no one had heard from him, no credit card activity had been made, and that Uncle Ned had filed a missing persons report.

Bran, of all people, found him, after he went missing two Halloweens after and Rhaenys’ new friend Stephen the “actual wizard, yes, no jokes Aegon”, brought him home.

four.

“I don’t understand what I’m doing here,” Jon said, frowning at his drink. Not that he was drinking it, despite Tyrion downing three of them already.

Tyrion also had a much better head for booze.

“Well, I needed someone pretty and sure to piss off my father and sister,” Tyrion said. “Also, not boring, but so far you aren’t exactly hitting that mark.”

“Why didn’t you invite my sister?” Jon frowned, a horrible suspicion dawning. “Tyrion, did you get drunk and insult Rhae again?”

“I didn’t insult her! Merely... complemented her,” Tyrion said, into his drink. “Not many people have tits you want to burrow into like that. Or the hair. Very pull-worthy, especially since the length means I can reach it so easily. Or the lips. There are very naughty things a man could imagine...”

“Please stop, Rhaenys will murder you,” Jon said. “Or I’ll be sick.”

“Smothering will be good,” Tyrion grinned. “Please.”

“Autopsy while you are still breathing is more likely,” Jon pointed out. “I’m still not sure if she was joking when she said they used garden shears to cut the ribs. But you could have invited Dany. She would have insulted everyone for you.”

“Your aunt terrifies me. And I am perfectly capable of doing my own insults, thank you,” Tyrion said. “For instance, my sister, despite her professed hatred of hypocrisy, seems determined to match both myself and her esteemed husband for drinks.”

Jon looked at Cersei, then frowned. “Is she covering up a black eye?”

Tyrion frowned. “Robert wouldn’t dare.”

Jon gave him a look. The look said that Robert Baratheon had come to Lyanna Stark to throw stones at her window and beg her to leave Rhaegar when he was going to marry Cersei in the morning.

He was totally that stupid and cruel.

“Jaime will kill him,” Tyrion groaned. “Lovely, now I have to go save my family, for the reward of insults and... more insults. Care to swap?”

“Still not getting in my sister’s pants,” Jon said, firmly.

five.

“I feel like we should be having some fun with this,” Jon said, watching as his sister perched against the desk and spoke with the clearly exhausted man.

“When is the last time you slept- relative time for you, not calendar time for me, sweetling,” Rhaenys said, with the sword-grin she got from Elia. 

“...Ah, that would be a bit complicated,” Strange admitted with a smile. “Can I just say Tuesday?”

“Get some rest, then. Perhaps eat a banana, I just picked some up,” she said. “I could travel to visit Auntie Mel with the bags under your eyes right now.”

She ruffled his hair, and Arya, Sansa, and Aegon watched as Rhaenys completely forgot the meaning of the term personal space. Which, as Sansa had pointed out before, he did too. It was a bit annoying, finding them talking into each other like that.

“Betting pool?” Aegon offered. “Starting with Dad’s reaction?”

Sansa gave him a withering look. “Have they realized it, yet?”

Jon’s answering smile had last been seen when he’d pranked Viserys over the Great Naming Incident two years ago, when Viserys resembled a bald, mulberry colored Smurf. “No.”

“I feel this is a girl thing, to be left to girls, people with girl hair, and scary knife people,” Aegon said. “Also people not afraid of getting turned into newts.”

“I don’t think he can turn people into newts,” Sansa said, biting her lip.

“How much do you think we can trick Robb and Theon into betting?” Arya asked, slowly. “Or Lannister?” 

They all looked at her.

Aegon grinned evilly.

Somehow, Arya won the betting pool, taking home four hundred dollars, a Modcloth gift card, a bottle of glittery wine, and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs.

Jon would have pouted, but he really wasn’t sure where the handcuffs came from.

[official-heartbreaker]

Answers

1.Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? No?... 2.When did your last hug take place? 5 min ago 3.Are you a jealous person? Kinda sorta 4.Are you tired right now? No 5.Do you chew on your straws? Yes 6.Have you ever been called a tease? Yes? 7.Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? Yes 8.Do you cry easily? No 9.What should you be doing right now? Sleeping? 10.Are you a heavy sleeper? YES 11.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months? YES 12.Are you mad at someone right now? no 13.Do you believe in love? Yes 14.What makes you laugh no matter what? That one picture of this bunny 15.Who was the last person you talked to? My best friend 16.Do you get butterflies around the person you like? Yeaa 17.Will you get married? Hopefully 18.When was the last time you smiled? Like an hour ago 19.Does anyone like you? Maybe? Idk 20.Do you secretly like someone? Is it really a secret? I don't think so 21.Who was the first person you talked to today? My best friend 22.Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My best friend/ my "mom" 23.What are you NOT looking forward to? Sunday 24.What ARE you looking forward to? School 25.Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it? Yea 26.Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do? Nothing, I don't care about my ex. ("Official" ex) 27.Do you plan on moving out within the next year? No 28.Are you a forgiving person? Yes!!!!!!!!! 29.How many TRUE friends do you have? 5 tops 30.Do you fall for people easily? Ehhh kinda sorta?? More like I get in my head too much 31.Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend? No! 32.What’s the last thing you put in your mouth? An ice cream cone 33.Who was the last person you drove with? Family 34.How late did you stay up last night and why? 12 cause waiting for someone to come home 35.If you could move somewhere else, would you? BARCELONAAAAAA 36.Who was the last person you took a picture of? myself ? Oh wait no, Laura it was laura 37.Can you live a day without TV? Yes 38.When was the last time you were extremely disappointed? This afternoon 39.Three names you go by... Val, valerie rose, val 40.Are you currently in a relationship? Nope 41.What is your all-time favorite romance movie? How to lose a guy in 10 days 42.Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate? Yes!!! 43.What’s your current problem? Nothing, life is what you make it . Also my f in precalc. 44.Have you ever had your heart broken? Yes!!! 45.Your thoughts of long distance relationships? Ehhh not my thing although could probs make it work 46.How many kids do you want to have? One million three... lmao Maybe four ? Five 47.Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like them? Yes!

[ambz1234321-blog]

New year, new post

I remember the first time I realized I was more sad than I’d ever been before

It wasn’t the kind of sad when your heart gets broken and it just aches, it wasn’t the kind of sad when you lose someone close to your heart, it wasn’t the kind of sad when your feelings get hurt over something silly but you take it to heart. It was this awful, gun wrenching kind of sad that was a mixture of every other kind of sad possible. Where you were so sad it turned into a mind out of body experience where I was so lost in the sadness that it didnt seem like there was anything else in existence for a while.

I was 15. You’d think after being deathly sick 9 months prior that I’d be on a kick of loving life and appreciating another chance. It was the exact opposite, however. I went through my cloud nine moment after getting healthy again, I had soo many friends and the cool, older, hot boyfriend who helped me make soo many more friends. I was cool, skinny, pretty. I had it really good for a 15 year old girl. But 15 is a sticky age. A lot of people have a hard time for different reasons but it’s definitely an age where you broaden your horizons, some people more than others, and it isn’t always easy. Peer pressure and the pressure of high school wasn’t really what my issue was. My issue was that I reached this age where I started to realize. Realize how much of my life had been sugar coated, how i really knew nothing about anything, how the only thing that made me so cool and so popular was the fact that me, and everyone else around me, knew nothing. So when I started to realize and learn things about myself that to this day, people still don’t know i know, I realized that I wasn’t anything special, that if people knew me and where I came from, my background, they’d be a lot quicker to judge.

The first time I ever remember thinking why my family was “different” was in 7th grade when a girl asked me if it was true that i was a “test tube baby” since I didnt know my dad. I didnt know what she meant then but i was quick to tell her no.

It was weird. I always knew that I knew my dads name, that i used to see him, that he lived near Eden Drive. There was just these things I knew. Never verified for most my life, but I just knew. People asked me if I was black, spanish, why i looked nothing like my mom. I never knew the right answers but I also never cared because people always loved my tan skin and curly hair. I never cared because I was Queen Bee. I had so many friends that i couldn’t keep up. I was never alone, I was never bored. Which for an only child, I was lucky I had so many good friends around. I remember watching so many friends go through their first heartbreaks. The ones that made them think they were gonna die, never “fall in love” again. The ones that made people hurt themselves because they were so convinced that at 15, it was the end of the fucking world. Out of the blue, I found my end of the fucking world. And holy shit do i wish it was over some stupid fucking boy.

I hate to say this  is where it started but I think it did start because of a boy and a supposed “best friend”. I was the cool girl, with the hot boyfriend, and all the friends. I thought nobody would dare to betray me or backstab me. But they did. My boyfriend and best friend hooked up, he dumped me like a piece of garbage before college because what college boy dates a high school right?? I’m embarrassed that thats where it started but I also, 5/6 years later, have accepted that there’s a lot of things that contribute to why I feel the way I do. No matter how stupid or small. I spent the summer after my sophomore year in my bedroom. I was in and out of the hospital multiple times that summer. I was “dehydrated” or had a "stomach bug” twice a month. I feel stupid for lying but I was “dehydrated” because I’ve always eaten in my room so I’d throw away my food or hide it until I could throw it away. Id lay in the sun for hours without water until I felt nauseous. And then take 16 advil to make me feel better. I tried to be as discreet as possible which was stupid. But nobody caught on so I guess I did fine. I still can’t take the blue advil PM’s to this day because the first time I attempted to OD was with those because they had the most out of all the pill bottles in the cabinet. I puked for 12 hours straight and laid in my bed & on the bathroom floor in a basically acomatose state for 3 days.

I remember slowly falling asleep after taking those advil and having the song Super Rich Kids be on repeat for probably 14 hours till I started puking. I can remember that song faintly playing again and again, for what felt like years. Sometimes it would fade away and I’d swear I was dying. Other times it was blaring.

It still sends chills down my spine every time I hear it.

I tried so hard that summer. I’m still depressed and I hate that after so long I still haven’t gotten better. But then I think about all the things I never would’ve done if I had taken my life that summer.

It became a normal thing for a few months, if i wasn’t taking a bunch of pills to fall asleep, I was cutting myself anywhere I could hide it. I had a playlist on my iPhone 4s called “ill kill myself to one of these.”

The first time someone noticed the cuts on my wrist was a kid in my PreCalc and Trig class. He was friends with a lot of people I was friends with but we never really talked. He saw one day and asked if I was okay. Of course I said I was fine and he grabbed my hand and told me he was always there if I ever needed someone.

If I had a chicken nugget for every time someone has told me they were there if I needed them, Id be 700 pounds and probably happy at that point. But the one thing that was different about him, was someone noticed me for something more than the popular girl, with the big butt, and all the friends. He didn’t care about any of that and was one of the most genuine people I’ve known to this day.

Once school started up again, I felt much better. Always partying, always with friends. But there was still just something driving me crazy deep down. One friday in october, I was home for once on a weekend. And checked my Facebook to find a message from what I thought said, “Alex Lamonaco.” I froze, and looked again to see I was wrong.. It said Alexis Lamanaco. I was so damn confused and wanted to just block this person cause I thought they were fucking with me. But I decided to accept the message. Which was the click that changed so much for me.

I did not think for one second that accepting that message was gonna be opening a door to a whole new world that had been kept a secret from me for a reason.

I wasn’t an only child. (From my dads side). Not only did I find out I had a sister, but a niece on the way. I was in fact half puerto rican. My dad was a piece of shit. My dad was in jail. My dad was in jail for molesting my older sister who’s mom wasn’t as strong as mine to fight for sole custody and she told me she was happy it was her and not me.

We’ve talked on and off ever since. Ive blown her off every time I was supposed to meet her. But she has always been understanding.

My niece is 5 now. My sister is a really good single mom, she reminds me a lot of my own.

Im 19 years old and my mom still denies that she somehow made me with another man who’s half puerto rican. It drives me so crazy that she can’t tell me about our life but after what I’ve learned.. I can’t blame her one bit. I can’t blame her for drinking excessively my life. I can’t blame her for being sad most the time. I can’t blame her for anything. Especially because I’m at the age she was when she had me and I can’t even imagine having to deal with the things that woman did.

I can remember the second time I tried to kill myself like it was yesterday. It was exactly a year and three days ago, in my apartment in Laramie, Wyoming. But I am getting too drunk and crying too much to write about it so ill save that one for another time.

i write this with complete confidence and as good as it fucking feels to write this all out and look at the bigger picture, I’m bawling cause of how far I’ve let this come. I can remember exactly where this sadness started. I can’t remember every thing Ive been sad about because as this disease has taken over me, I’ve began to get sad at everything. No matter how good or bad. I’ve met so many people along the way who claim to be depressed, suicidal, or anxiety ridden. I can now see maybe why people never took me(still don’t take me) seriously about it. I was so good at faking it. I swear I can look at a person and be able to look straight through their fake happiness. But I also would never want to make that assumption because people who feel this awful, will go to such extremes to hide it and make sure nobody can see that side of them. I keep finding excuses for myself. I feel this way cause of this and cause of that.. blah, blah fucking blah. But the only real reason, is come of myself. Ive proved to myself over a handful of times that theres nobody out there who can fix this or help me fix this. But i still can’t find it within myself to help myself when I am the ONLY person who has the ability to do so. So… with that. Im gonna sleep on it.. for the almost 2000th day in a  row. night night.