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merlinssaggyyfronts · 4 years ago

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BBC Merlin Rewatch:

01x01: The Dragon’s Call

—

FIRSTLY THE FUCKING DESCRIPTION LMAO “Merlin, a young country boy” COUNTRY BOY AHAHDHSNDH IF ONLY YOU KNEW!!! ITS LIKE SETTING SOMEONE UP FOR DISASTER BUT THEN AGAIN THEY WERE SO LIKE I MEAN-

aw look at merlin all happy and smily, walking into camelot like he isnt going to witness the death of his best friend/king and basically everyone he loves

LOOK AT HIM HES SO HAPPY!!! HE DOESNT KNOW YET

“like everyone, he must live and learn” yo shut ur bitchass up lizard man u literally tried to murder everyone in camelot that one time

“his name: traumatised 😍😍”

AH YES THE OPENING!!1!1!-!-! AHHH THE AMOUNT OF HAPPINESS I FEEL HEARING THE OPENING

fuck ur bitchass uther no one likes u

“i pride myself as a fair and just king” sir didnt u like basically kill ur wife... and thousands of peo- OH MY GOD MORGANA BB ILY

oh jesus okay hes dead um chile-

“when i came to this land” wait i thought he was raised kn camelot brb i forgot im an idiot wait,,, does this mean before this it was the du bois family on the throne of camelot?? also, mired in chaos? u mean like.... before ur wife died and everyone was living peacefully? ....okay

“merlin, seeing a person who's been stated had been studying magic get beheaded: [a magical being himself] ah,, welcoming.” -my gf

“since the great dragon was captured” ....so did no one think about where they put a dragon?? a captured one at that. ud think he’d be more smart but nah he just left a random ass dragon under his castle like THAT is going to end well

YUHH MARY COLLJNS HATE HIM!!! YELL BABEY YELL!!! “you took my son!” YES MURDER HIM OMG I CAN FEEL HER PAIN

“a son for a son!” omg why couldnt u have killed uther bb ur the perfect villain i love u ur literally just a loving mother i-

OOOOO GAIUS

.....why is there a bunny mask in there

why is thERE A BUNNY MASK-

why didnt merlins eyes glow when he dragged the bed to gaius to save him

also whats this slomo magic why didnt he do this after this why did season one haveso much magic and like every other season was just everyone throwing it back

like i get instinctual magic but like.... if its instinctual wouldnt it happen more especially when his powers get stronger-

gaius: what did you just do?!

also gaius, five seconds later: i know what it was!! i just wanted to know where you learned it

merlin: 😐

merlin, about his magic: i was born like this

gaius, who knows full well warlocks exist: impossible!

(are warlocks naturally born knowing how to use magic without learning? i mean if u have to learn magic like a sorcerer then whats the difference between a warlock and a sorcerer cuz wouldnt sorcerers atleast have to have some magic in them to actually cast spells? am i dumb or do i just not get it)

wait so merlin arrived in camelot on a wednesday

merlin, walking into camelot: it is wednesday my dudes

merlin: [witnesses an execution] aaaAAAAAA-

“someone that might help him find a purpose of his gifts” oh honey he’ll get something mUCH LARGER THAN THAT-

—

oH MORGANA

SHUT UR BITCHASS UTHER SHE WILL KILL YOU-

“the more brutal you are, the more enemies you’ll create” oh the waY SHE PREDICTED THEIR FUTURE OO

ah bless u lady helen/mary collins we love them spicy villains

...why do you have a dressing table in a tent

[watches mary collins murder lady helen] i never snitch on dadd- ...someone pls delete me

merlin, about his instinctual magic: i just do it!

gaius: ...lord have mercy what did i just sign myself up to

what ever happened to sir olwen did he die from accidentally overdosing

—

oHHH THERE HE IS THERE HE IS THERES MY BOY!!! MY LIL PRAT MAN!!!!

merlin looks so offended, oh god i could watch this whole scene for HOURS

oooOOOO YES MERLIN FUCK HIM UP!!! SHOW HIM WHOS BOSS

“do i know you?” ��im merlin” “so i dont know you” ugh theres already sexual tension

“i would never have a friend who could be such an ass” “or i one so stupid”

also them, ten years later: “i use my magic for you arthur, only you” “just hold me” “i cant lose him! hes my friend!” “thank you..”

“tell me merlin, do you know how to walk on your knees?” OOOOH THE BOYS ARE FLIRTING

NOT THE “would you like me to help you?” SIR YOU ARE FLIRTING SO INTENSELY AND DONT EVEN REALISE IT SIR DO YOU KNOW YOURE FALLING IN LOVE

im convinced atleast half the knights with arthur were like “ayo thas kinda sus bro 😳😳 ayo 😳😳”

arthur: tell me merlin, do you know how to walk on your knees? would you like me to help you?

merlin: ....i really dont know how to answer that

imagine being paid to throw fruits at colin morgan omg id be so thrilled

OOOH HERE COMES OUR QUEEN GWEN!!! MY LOVE MY EVERYTHING YES ILY

gwen: well, arthur looks like one of those, save the world kinda men... and you dont

merlin, 1500 years later, having failed his destiny: well i mean you’re not wrong

—

gaius: uther banned magic a long time ago

merlin, flabbergasted as if he wasnt raised on tales of the death of his kind every day in the kingdom right next to his: why?!?!?

gaius: the dragon is imprisoned where nobody can free him

merlin:

(that is the face of someone knowing full well hes going to free that dragon. look at him. he’s already made up his mind.)

—

[sees merlin and arthur in the marketplace] oh heres he is again heres the lil bitxh ooo theyre about to FIGHT

god hes flirting so hard without even realising it, oh my god

“i could take you apart with one blow” “i could take you apart with less” um sirs this is a mcdonalds drive thru 😃

arthur: ahah, you’re in trouble now~ 😏😏

i had to pause cuz wHAT THE HELL WHY DOES HE SOUND LIKE THAT-

—

....yall are yelling very loudly, um, arent there guards near yall? people passing by? please relax

“im just a nobody, and i always will be” OH IF ONLY YOU KNEWWW

“if i cant use magic, i might as well die” ....well, ive got a surprise for you-

“maybe theres someone with more magic than me?” like... a whole dragon? i mean if you say so 👀

merlin about why he was born like this: if you cant tell me, no one can!

a fucking dragon, basically every magical creature and the druids: WELL-

the camelot guards are so stupid how the hell is this kingdom still standing

how does kilgharrah know merlins name? in prophecy hes known as emrys (and we see basically every magical being call him emrys and not merlin,, i think). so how does he know? did he stretch his neck long enough that he could somehow hear merlin? is it cuz theyre kin? is it cuz merlin and gaius were yelling so loudly that kilgharrah could hear them all the way in his cave? ig we’ll never know 🖐

merlin: where are you?!

kilgharrah:

kilgharrah: without you, arthur will never succeed.

merlin: ....oh look, im already paranoid

the amount of sadness i feel hearing kilgharrah say “none of us can choose our destiny, merlin. and none of us can escape it” is INSANE cuz in season one you can SEE merlin trying to escape it. hes doing his damned best trying to have some control over his life. and then in later seasons you can see the light slowly drain from his eyes as he becomes just another toy for the gods to be entertained by. he realises he cant control a single thing about his life so he does the one thing he can: protect arthur. and he loses SO MUCH because of it! its not fair, he deserved so much, and when he finally got everything he could ever ask for, it was taken away from him by his own mistakes.

arthur, seeing morgana in a beautiful dress: god have mercy ��

uther: .....um

the way they set arthur and morgana up as if they arent gonna make them siblings i- what the fawk 😄

person A, who knows arthurian lore: oh no! arthur is going to have an affair with morgan(a) and have mordred! oh no!!

person B, whos seen merlin: oh no in this show its worse

person B, knowing full well theyre siblings: much worse....

gwen: who’d wanna marry arthur? 🙄

gwen, getting crowned queen of camelot: well fuck

hhhnghnh yes queen sing them to sleep yes murder his bitchass (and fail but like its the thought that counts)

on a sidenote tho this is such a fun way to murder someone, id try this

the absolutely OFFENDED “FATHER!” and the horrified look in arthurs eyss when uther announced merlin would be his manservant is PRICELESS OMG

oh the way uther unintentionally plants the first seed of his sons love story omg 😍😍

Conclusion: this episode is a 10/10 greatest episode with so many iconic scenes omg. mary collins u will forever have my heart for unintentionally kickstarting merlin and arthurs relationship destiny. i loved the whole thing and oh GOD does it already hurt knowing full well how the show ends

#this was a RIDE #eli’s merlin rewatch #yes i have to say everything that happens in the episode pls leave me alone #01x01: the dragon’s call #merlin #arthur pendragon #uther pendragon #morgana le fay #morgana pendragon #guinevere #guinevere pendragon #gwen #gaius #kilgharrah #lady helen #mary collins #bbc merlin

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timextoxhajima · 4 years ago

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HOSTIS, Chapter XI: Et Invisibilia Filum, An Invisible String

Previous Chapter (X: Medium Duorum)

Member: Lee Hyunjae (tbz)

Genre (by chapter): drama, comedy, fluff

Category: Short Novel/Long Series

“nice to know that you’re beginning to enjoy this.”

you spend most of the day afterwards either making rounds or sitting at your cubicle in the research department working on whatever doctor kim assigned you to do.

it was a little painful and agonising to have him talk to you and lee hyunjae so casually, given what happened earlier in the day, but doctor kim seemed like he couldn’t care less -- or rather... he just didn’t bother as long as the two of you did whatever you needed to do.

eric was sitting about two tables to your left, and lee hyunjae was sitting at a cubicle that was behind yours, so thank god you wouldn’t need to see him unless you stood up and turned around.

the screen of the computer was sucking you into its void of virtual reality of words, numbers and medical terms, until mother nature called to you from outside the building.

your entire body shrinks and crouches in itself upon the loud clap, and the lightning flashes throughout the floor through the offices that lined the perimeter of the area.

the words on the screen lose your attention despite your eyes still glued to it. there was nothing on the document that was being processed in your head while the rumble dies down, the lightning still flashing every few seconds

your fingers begin to dig into your ear canals when the rain starts to slap against the windows of the offices. the sound of mother nature was so intimidating, even with all the layers and doors of glass between you and the outside world.

you start to wonder about the ruthlessness of mother nature.

you start to think of mrs kang.

light flashes through the space again and you duck into your seat like someone just hurled a ball at you.

the lack of light and anything in your vision tells you that your lids were tightly shut, elbows resting on the table top as you wait for your heart to calm down from the rampant slamming against the insides of your rib cage.

you could hear your breath in your own head but the shuffling around the space doesn’t die down.

after you were confident the sky was done playing its own definition of music, your eyes open and you free your ears again, the scattered conversations and clacking of the keyboards coming back into your wariness.

you were just about to return to your work again when your chair gets pulled backwards, and your neck whips a little too fast to glare at the person you saw in your computer screen.

“stop being such a wuss,” he says. your eyes roll away and he releases your chair. “i’ve decided to be nice today, on the account that it’s raining... you’ll meet me in the basement and i’ll let you sit in my car. your rounds today are later than mine, so i’ll be in the basement by the time you’re done.”

lee hyunjae doesn’t wait for you to respond before looking away like he was searching for someone else. he turns on his heels and walks away with his clipboard, and the clock between the two lifts which he stops in front of reminds you that he was going off for one of his rounds.

“fuck’s wrong with him...” his back disappears into the lift and he looks at you with eyes that made your stomach flip.

you shudder in disbelief, looking away just as the lift doors closed.

the rain starts to let up in the hours of the evening, though the sun was really nowhere in sight. doctor kim had dragged eric to some research archive facility by the time you were needed for your rounds, so you begin to count the days you should have eric’s number when you didn’t.

your rounds concluded with a patient refusing to eat his dinner, and he said he’d eat only if you stayed to feed him, which you happily obliged.

the nurses around were offering to take over you, knowing that you were done for the day. but being around your patients and creating a real, personal level of connection with them was different from simply being their doctor.

maybe this was why your parents were never available, because all they wanted to do was to be a good doctor, not just a doctor.

the happiness and satisfaction that overwhelmed you while he told you stories about his life while you fed him was so rewarding. there was nothing in the world that you would’ve loved more than to sit here and connect with another person.

not just because you were his doctor, not because he was your patient.

the nurse hands you his medication and among the pills was one that made him drowsy, so it wasn’t long before his lids started to get heavy and you watched him drift off to sleep while he bid good bye to you.

the time strikes you on the way down to the basement, and you were already prepared to go home on your own. there was no way lee hyunjae would’ve waited for you for nearly an hour.

but you still chose to try your hand at surprising yourself, so when the lift doors open to see him waiting for the lift, your eyes widen in pleasant wonder.

strangely enough, worry was written all over his face in his features, and his eyes looked like the ones you imagined he would have if he was talking to mrs kang. the phone was planted to his ear while someone speaks to him on the other end, and his eyes slowly tear away from yours to return his attention back to the conversation.

“alright, i understand. i haven’t left the building, so give me a few minutes, i’ll be right there.”

doctor duties.

the phone gets slid back into his pocket and his chin tilts upwards, free hand patting down his dress shirt with his knuckles whitening around the handle of his briefcase.

you were expecting him to berate you for being an hour late, given that stupid arrogant chin tilt he always did before he pissed you off.

yet for the first time in ten years, he speaks to you like he wasn’t going to shove a knife through your stomach.

“i’m sorry, i have to head back up. mr jung-- my patient -- might have suffered a stroke, and the nurses need me to take a look at him because they couldn’t tell what induced it.”

the loss of words become oddly overwhelming, yet somewhat fascinating, when you had trouble processing his tone.

not only that; he looked like a whole other person.

“uh-- no, it’s fine,” you shook your head and stepped back into the lift, gesturing for him to come in. “whatever the patient needs.”

the lift panel lights up when you hit the floor where the wards he was in charge of was located, and you could feel his attention pressed into your side profile as he steps in.

there was a peculiar atmosphere that hung between the two of you throughout the entire lift ride, but when the door opens, he makes such large steps that made it difficult for you to catch up with. he didn’t even bother clocking back in, only heading straight for the ward where the patient of concern was in.

you watch the edge of his briefcase disappear into the ward while you struggle to tail him, and the sight of him dropping it at the foot of the bed to pick up the clipboard with the patient records made you feel like you’ve just stepped into an alternate universe.

one where lee hyunjae wasn’t your other ares; one where he wasn’t your lucifer.

you stay outside when you realise none of the patients in this ward were yours, and you observe him walking around the bed to the iv drip, talking to the patient, and the nurse who came around from behind you when she noticed him inside.

the nodding, the small polite smiles, the frowns and the stress on his face make you wonder if you’ve ever looked like that, even if it wasn’t for him to see. watching him hold the patient’s arm while the nurse hands him gloves and a mask for him to carry out whatever procedures he needed to do made you feel immense guilt.

for a second, you wished he wasn’t your enemy.

your phone chimes in the back of your jeans, and you open it to see that your father had dropped you a text.

dad: are you at home now? your mother and i are in the area, wanted to check if you’re home for us to drop in on you.

the distant talking inside the ward earns your attention again, and this time he was sitting on a chair by the side of the bed, diligently writing down notes while both the nurse and the patient talk to him. the dim lighting of the ward (due to some of the patients already sleeping) was barely enough for you to make out the look of concern and professionalism on his face.

but beyond that, you could see little strands of tiredness and spent energy, yet he still kept that little comforting smile on his face.

you wonder what it would’ve been like if the two of you didn’t just spend a decade at each other’s throat.

you: sorry dad, i got caught up in work today, i won’t be home early.

dad: it’s alright! completely understandable. give me a call once you’re back home, we miss you.

a weak smile spreads on your lips before you shove it back into your pocket, and a passing pair of nurses walk past you talking about dinner.

right, dinner.

you inhale a large breath as you pull out your phone again, and your finger hits the application button even before your mind tells you to.

hyunjae spends easily forty five minutes talking to and checking on his patient, even the nurse was sent away by him to have dinner when he found out she hadn’t eaten.

your rear was planted to the stool in the pantry of that floor, two boxes of ordered food charged to your card sitting on the table behind you. you could still hear the little howls of wind that were seeping in through the cracks of the pantry window from the aftermath of the thunderstorm, but this espresso machine seemed to warrant your attention more.

never in your life have you felt so defeated by a stupid machine; you’ve pressed every single button on the damn device and yet the thing doesn’t come alive.

you weren’t sure how long you’ve been angrily staring at it, but you were snapped back to reality when the pantry door beeps open.

he was carrying his briefcase and the concern in his eyes was slowly wearing away, so you could guess he’s probably fixed whatever happened with his patient.

“if i didn’t know any better, i’d think you were going to murder that coffee machine.”

your lips get sucked between your teeth as you watch him head over to the table and pull the boxes open. setting his briefcase on the floor, he sits down on the stool opposite where you would be sitting, and he picks up his phone instead of eating without you at the table.

the machine takes your attention away again when he starts talking to his mother over the phone; most of the time he was just convincing her he’s eaten and he’s back at home.

shoving your fingerpads into all the buttons on the machine, you shake your head while listening to him lie to his mother over the phone.

then again, you did it too.

“alright, yeah... i got it... okay, bye mom, i’ll see you soon.”

you hear a small thud where his phone would be placed on the table, and the silence only makes you more agitated with the coffee machine.

“that thing’s broken by the way. it doesn’t work.”

a frown slaps itself on your face when you turn around to glare at him in utter irony.

“so-- you just sat there and let me fiddle with this thing, which doesn’t work, for the entire duration you were here?”

his laughter ripples through the air when he gets off the stool and strides to you, his hands in his pockets and one of your hands still on the machine. an exasperated sigh leaves your lips when you turn around to turn off the main switch connected to the machine, and his footsteps begin to near you.

“it was entertaining to watch you try to figure out something that doesn’t work.”

a bemused scoff runs off your tongue just as you turn around, only to find him barely a foot away from you. your pupils dart away when you notice his hands coming out of his pockets.

this was all too familiar but why does it feel different?

one of his fingers finds the belt loop on the back of your jeans and he pushes you forward. your palms find his chest for support upon the sudden movement, but your eyes flutter shut when kisses you for the third time that day.

it lasted for barely five seconds, but the warmth from him flowing into you was eerily comforting, so much that you were beginning to feel scared.

he pulls away and scans your eyes for a moment, but it’s not lee hyunjae if he doesn’t open his mouth to say something that completely ruins the magic of the moment.

“nice to know that you’re beginning to enjoy this.”

“ugh,” you huff and push him off yourself, your attention gravitating back to the food. “you’re unbelievable.”

you were worried you were going to get used to it, or that you were probably never going to get used to it; having hyunjae sitting directly opposite you, eating his food that you ordered, and telling you everything about the patient he was just attending to.

two weeks ago, you would’ve sworn that he wouldn’t even want to be in the same room as you, since you didn’t either.

it was becoming a little complex to understand the relationship that was developing between the two of you.

sure, his antic quality isn’t going to vanish completely; that was what most of your rivalry with him was based off: constant bullying and vulgarity-hurling fueled by resentment and hatred.

then again, it could just be because the both of you had nothing to compete for anymore, besides a promotion of course.

hyunjae keeps to his word and lets you follow him to the car, the entire time spent in silence because the both of you were spent from the day.

the window by the passengers’ seat was slightly rolled down, the scent of rain in puddles on the asphalt road made you feel like you were in another country.

it was your favourite part of a thunderstorm.

the amber lights from the street lamps were being reflected off the puddles, every now and then a ripple appearing from dust or a lone drop of water dripping from a tree.

the cool air was gently whizzing past your face as the car drove along the road, and the sound of the tires against the gravel was oddly intriguing.

you were surprised that lee hyunjae hasn’t said a word since he started driving, only occasionally hearing a shuffle when he fiddles with the cover of the steering wheel.

the car pulls up right outside your residence and a dog barks somewhere in the distance, your eyes fixating on the little droplets still rolling off the leaves of the plants in your backyard.

“you were awfully quiet throughout the ride.”

the fresh scent of the rain and nature gets sucked into your lungs, comforted that he didn’t ruin the moment again.

“i’ve learnt to keep my mouth shut whenever i want some peace and quiet.”

you pause.

“maybe you should try that too,” you turn your head to face him, and he smiles with a scoff, one hand still on the steering wheel. he turns off the engine and gets out of the car, and your eyes trail along his movements, waiting for him to drag you out of the vehicle.

he gets the door of the passenger’s seat open, and he goes ahead to ruin the moment.

“okay now, get out of my car.”

a snort coughs its way up your nose and you shake your head, grabbing all your belongings and stepping out of the car.

“you really know how to make the most of a--”

another kiss.

one arm finds your waist and the other rests lightly on your chin to help angle your jaw. the gentle, chilly breeze runs shivers down your spine despite being in a coat, and butterflies start to emerge in your gut, the same way they did the first time you had a conversation with eric.

hyunjae’s eyes open to meet yours after he slowly pulls away, the air rushing between the two of you creating some sickening sense of longing in your blood.

his lips get sucked between his teeth as he gradually loosens his hold around you, and something flashes in his eyes before he completely lets you go.

“stop getting your lipstick on me.”

“... wha-- jesus!” your lips fall apart in complete disbelief and bewilderment, his hand reaching to the door behind you and slamming it shut against the door. “how is it my fault tha--”

“shut up and go home,” he gives you a gentle push towards your residence and he turns on his heels.

you were blinking so profusely, you would’ve thought you were having a seizure while you watched him walk back round to the drivers’ seat.

he gets it open and has one foot into the vehicle when he pauses, looks up, and raises his voice loud enough for you to hear.

“i’ll come pick you up tomorrow morning.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: can i just say im so fucking uwu for this two rn... but im gna be honest... i’m #teameric... this shit hurted... big time hurted...

Chapter XII: Terminus

#hyunjae #lee hyunjae #the boyz hyunjae #the boyz #hyunjae fanfic #the boyz fanfic #timetohajima

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neo-shitty · 3 years ago

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toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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vonnyphant · 4 years ago

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To Blog or Not to Blog?

“You should start a diary and write about your experiences. It may help people going through the same thing.”

Honestly? If there’s one thing I discovered about this diagnosis, it’s that it makes me pretty damn selfish. I don’t want to help other people (not just yet, anyway). But putting some thoughts down about this time in my life may be of some sort of therapeutic value, and I do want to help myself.

(Maybe for once, saving the world can wait. Do you remember how, soon after the pandemic hit, people stopped avoiding plastic and single-use items? When your health is at risk, suddenly rainforests and polar bears and the planet are deprioritised- not that anyone will admit to this. But this is my diary and I can say what I want!* Writing for myself it is.)

Having established my less-than-Mother-Theresa-like reasons for this blog, my conscience cleared, it’s time to start. This is where the Lifetime movie shows me, in a half daze, mellowed out on drugs while they sew a mediport into my chest to start administering chemicals. A fast lane to my bloodstream. A docking station. The soundtrack? Hopefully ‘Across The Universe’ by the Beatles (possibly Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. If I get a say in it, I veto The Walrus) Time to pump this body full of drugs that’ll make my hair fall out.

Wait, what?

Voice Over: “Yep. That’s me. You’re probably wondering what I am doing here…” //record scratch - freeze frame - fast rewind to the psychedelic outtro of A Day In The Life//

Two months ago, during rub-a-dub-in-the-tub (less naughty than it sounds, was just washing myself), my mind inexplicably went to an episode of Beverly Hills 90210, s1 (aired in 1992- yes, I am that old), where Brenda Walsh has a breast cancer scare. I say inexplicably, because my usual shower fantasies do not include Ms Shannon Doherty - if I was going to pick a shower lady, I’d opt for Charlize Theron, Kiera Knightly or Winona Ryder in their short-hair phases, but that is neither here nor there.

Say what you want for 90s television- weird outfits and ponytails notwithstanding, in their AfterSchoolSpecial PSA way, they dedicated a whole scene to the girls giving themselves a breast exam, including how-to instructions**, and eventhough I was only 11 years old when I saw it, I remembered what to do, and for the last 30 years, every now and then I have randomly carried it out while wondering how I always preferred Brandon over Dylan and how my tastes have changed over time.

But this time - my hand actually found something.

I took a deep breath and calmed myself down the same way I did after finding spots on my skin, lumps on my head and every time I sneezed since covid-19; by telling myself to fucking snap out of my hypochondria tendencies. One cannot go to the doctor every damn day after all. Breast tissue is pretty lumpy and I assumed it was just imaginary. I made an appointment to see a therapist, and put it out of my mind until a few weeks later, when one of the kids came crashing down on me (literally) and faceplanted in my boob (as they do).

Now this always hurts af, but it just hurt that little more that day, so that I grabbed the appendage in question and went “WHAT THE--!” And I felt it again- the lump, more defined than a few weeks before.

Cue a lot more freaking out than the first time, and after a sleepless night, imagining what my funeral would look like (as one does), I decided to go to the gynocologist the same day or risk never to sleep again.

After a long wait and an ultrasound, my doctor assured me that while there really was a mass, it had every indication of being benign. We should keep an eye on it. If I was worried, I could schedule a second screening, but would not likely get an appointment before April. I scheduled one and tried to focus on preparing our first lockdown Christmas.

But over the holidays, the lump started hurting, even when I wasn’t poking it or having a kid catapult themselves into my chest. I’d be Netflix and Chilling, and suddenly - ZAP - like someone stuck a hot needle into it. Repeatedly. My nipple would go numb or start tingling like a bodypart that fell asleep. It freaked me out, and in the new year, I realised I couldn’t wait until April - I had to get it checked out again or I may worry myself to death.

My gynocologist did another ultrasound and again, told me not to worry. I told her it was way too late for that as I had been worried for weeks, and I wanted the thing biopsied (they gave Brenda Walsh one too, after all! It’s the only way to be 100% sure). She referred me to the hospital. At the description of my symptoms, I could come directly, and the radiologist told me in no unclear terms: “I will not let you leave this room until we draw blood and take several biopsies.” Okay- not exactly what one wants to hear at that point, but at the same time, I figured knowing would be better than guessing by the shape of it.

Test results took a week. I went in, being prepared to be told (like Brenda) it was a harmless clump of random cells or a cyst we could have removed like a wart. Only it wasn’t. It was breast cancer, an aggressive, fast-growing kind, and had I waited until April, that could have had disastrous consequences.

While the doctor explained we now needed to determine the scope of the spread and take more tissue to determine what kind of chemo (if any) could be applied, all my 2020-PTSD brain could think was:

“.............of course”.

Didn’t hear much of what she said afterwards.

Another harrowing 4 days went by, with a CT screening with contrast solutions that gave me an intense stomach ache as well as a migraine, and finally, a fully rounded diagnosis and treatment advice could be made.

Thankfully, all my organs as well as lymphnodes were clear, so it appears to be a localised tumor. And here we are - to fight this thing with chemicals and then cut out whatever is left. Genetics testing to see about the likelihood of a recurrency (and a possible double mastectomy if so - ‘pulling an Angelina Jolie’, ‘not saving the tatas’, insert ‘Think About It meme’...can’t have breast cancer if you don’t have breasts! THINK ABOUT IT***).

Chances are good. I need to cling to that while I wait for this port and treatment to start. I have accepted the inevitable hair loss, have scheduled a ritual ‘crazy hair cutting party’ with my kids for this weekend (as I would rather shave it off in one go than clean up clumps and strands over the course of weeks and look like Gollum), and I have sewn several funny little hats for inside wear and ‘going out’ (though where will I be going in pandemic, idk).

I was going to end this post on a light and happy note - but I must admit my confidence just took a really big hit in real time, as I googled how to spell Shannon’s last name for this blog entry and found out that she was treated for breast cancer in 2015, initially succesfully, but it reappeared metastasized in 2020 (again: ‘of course...when else’) and she is now in stage IV. Fuck 2020.

What are the odds that the woman whose character made me discover my own breast cancer is now, in fact, dying of the same disease? This will surely haunt me for a long time to come.

More tomorrow? Or soon? It may take a while. Until then: outro to It’s Getting Better.

*also for the record I would like to state that I’ve sewn my own masks from upcycled pillowcases and continued using fruit- and vegetable nets to avoid plastic; maybe that makes up for me being utterly selfish at the moment. Karma +1?

** https://youtu.be/pkgYXITkrfw (the scene from BH 90210)

***cis men / trans women without breasts can also get breast cancer (even though it’s rare) so this meme doesn’t really hold up, but that’s the whole point of the meme ;)

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unibrowzz · 4 years ago

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Mod (finally) reviews all 67 winners of the Eurovision Song Contest Part IV: The 1980s

Ah yes, the 80s. One of my favourite decades for music overall, and one of the only decades in Eurovision where I wouldn’t immediately jump at the chance to change most of the songs that won, the other decade being the 2000s.

But at least with the 80s there was more quality songs per year, whereas the 2000s was mostly drivel.

I also count the 80s as being somewhat of a turning point in the contest’s history, and by that I mean it always seemed to me like it was the decade where the UK really began to stop caring. Most people know the song that won in 1985, but nobody knows what won in 1986. Everyone knows Johnny Logan won twice, but couldn’t name his second song. Everyone knows Celine Dion competed, but can’t remember if she won or what she sang.

That and countries also started experimenting with more modern sounds and outfits towards the end. The early 80s is just an extension of the 70s I swear.

But that’s enough of all that, how do I find the winning songs?

1980- What’s Another Year?

Country: Ireland

Artist: Johnny Logan

Language: English

Thoughts: Ah yes, the song that makes every 50something woman in the UK and Ireland all doey-eyed and rosy cheeked as they remember back to when they were a teenager watching this on TV and drooling at the lovely looking sad Irishman singing his sorrows into the microphone. Or that’s my experience with this song anyway. Another experience is that most vintage fans I know tend to dislike this song on the grounds of it beating out [insert song here] Everyone has their favourite from 1980 since it was honestly a pretty strong year, but even though this song isn’t my first place for that year I can still clearly see why it won. See, 1980 had a lot of pop songs, so a slow, sad song like this one was bound to stand out, whether it was popular or not. Luckily for this one, it turned out to be a popular choice. Other songs wouldn’t be so lucky… Back on track though. Like I said, this is a very sad and melancholy song with sad and melancholy lyrics, which not only made it stand out in its year, but also made it stand out amongst other Eurovision songs of its time. It’s strange to think, but at this point in the contest’s history there hadn’t been a winner with lyrics so solemn and personal. See, in modern Eurovision, every other song is the artist baring their soul about their horrible ex-boyfriend, or their depression, or past abuse, or whatever, so knowing there was a period where songs like that were so rare is just… surreal to me.

Is this my personal winner for this year? This or Greece tbh, I don’t mind this one

If no, what is? Greece- Anna Vissi- “Autostop”

Personal ranking (out of 67): 23rd

1981: Making Your Mind Up

Country: United Kingdom

Artist: Bucks Fizz

Language: English

Thoughts: Ah yes, the UK winner that nobody really likes, but the BBC still forces at us anyway because they’re proud they came up with a gimmick that everybody remembers. Or maybe it’s not that well remembered, but nobody would know that because we’re reminded of it every year. This song is… alright. Just alright. The first listen of this one is always the best, because after a while it just gets kind of annoying. The singing ESPECIALLY starts to grate you for a while. Even in the studio version the two girls sound unbearably shrill and whiny, and I’m not sure if that’s their fault or the songwriter’s (since if I remember correctly only one of them was a professional singer). I’m seriously convinced there’s no way for a female vocalist to pull this off without sounding terrible. Again, this one’s perfectly fine and serviceable, but that doesn’t mask the fact it’s still the worst UK winner and the worst winner of the 1980s too.

Is this my personal winner for this year? No

If no, what is? Portugal- Carlos Paião- “Playback”

Personal ranking (out of 67): 58th

1982: Ein Bißchen Frieden

Country: West Germany

Artist: Nicole

Language: German (Translation: “A little peace”)

Thoughts: This song gives me a really warm, nostalgic feeling, and I don’t know why. I mean, I know this one did well internationally, so it’s possible I just heard it as a kid, but given how I grew up in the early 2000s, “Eurovision is a shitty freak show full of weirdos from the USSR who gang up on the UK and don't vote for us on purpose” era Britain, that’s highly unlikely. Anyways, this is such a warm, fuzzy kind of song. It has a lovely… round-the-campfire, singalong kind of vibe, like this is meant to be sung by a load of long haired hippies with flowers in their hair and CND symbols drawn on their cheeks. And it’s… … Also kind of bland. If you’ve been reading my personal winners so far, you’ll have noticed I definitely have a soft spot for old German entries, so it’s a shame I find the one song they actually won with to be so… generic. It’s like they got tired of being unique so decided to send the same saccharine fluff everyone else was sending, and guess what, it paid off majorly, because this song was a huge hit at the time. Something about that kind of bothers me, like, out of all the entries they sent, it’s the one that’s the most “Eurovision-y” that ended up winning. And there’s something depressing in that.

Is this my personal winner for this year? No

If no, what is? United Kingdom- Bardo- “One Step Further”

Personal ranking (out of 67): 50th

1983: Si la vie est Cadeau

Country: Luxembourg

Artist: Corinne Hermés

Language: French (Translation: “If life were a gift”)

Thoughts: You want a tip on how to stand out amongst Eurovision fans? Say you like this song. Probably won’t make you very popular, but you’ll stand out at least. I will confess, I, too, was part of the hate-wagon for this song. Like most fans I knew, I’d complain about how boring and uninteresting it was and how it, ahem, “robbed” so many other entries, and how basic it was, et cetera, et cetera. But… honestly? It’s not even that bad. Sure I had other favourites from 1983 (the ones I could stand watching anyway, the host that year was so unimaginably terrible I gave up watching halfway through. I DARE you to watch the whole thing without wanting to neck yourself), but this song gets way more hate than it deserves. I honestly don’t think this song is half as bad as I made it out to be myself, or as bad as the fandom makes it out to be. It’s got a decent melody, some solid vocals, some appealingly 80s instrumental, like there’s a lot I like here. …Until you read the lyrics and realise they’re almost as half-assed and lazy as All Kinds of Everything’s, but I digress. Did I prefer other songs from that year? Of course. Am I going to complain about this one winning? Nah. It’s alright.

Is this my personal winner for this year? No

If no, what is? Sweden- Carola Häggkvist- “Främling”

Personal ranking (out of 67): 41st

1984- Diggiloo, Diggiley

Country: Sweden

Artist: Herreys

Language: Swedish

Thoughts: Whenever I was a younger fan I used to describe this song as being drunk-dad-at-a-wedding-music performed by three sentient Ken dolls, and I still stand by that statement. And I don’t really know how else to describe this one. It certainly has its charm, and it��s still a likeable song, but it also feels very… vapid. Like if this song were a person, they’d be a bit of a bimbo. And I mean, the song’s about how the singer’s oh-so-happy and prancing down the street in his brand new shoes, so that’s probably a fair description. Part of me wonders if that’s down to old Eurovision songs being vapid in general or if it’s down to the schlager genre itself requiring songs to be kinda neutered and happy-go-lucky, but even though I do like this song, it does come off as being a bit bland. A bit by-the-numbers and playing-it-safe. And I don’t mind songs like that, but I’d rather they didn’t win, y’know?

Is this my personal winner for this year? Not really

If no, what is? Italy- Alice & Franco- “Il Treni di Tozeur”

Personal ranking (out of 67): 15th

1985- La det Swinge

Country: Norway

Artist: Bobbysocks

Language: Norwegian

Thoughts: Ah yes, the song which finally hauled Norway into first place after years of being a regular last-placer. Maybe the UK should take some notes instead of blaming Brexit. Or Russia. Or Iraq. Or anything other than their own apathy, for that matter. But this is about La det Swinge and not the UK, so what are my thoughts on it? Well it’s… It’s the kind of song I imagine my mom and aunt would sing at a wedding if they ever attended one. It’s a very fun song, a little cheesy, sure, but it’s hard to not like a song that’s this upbeat and cheery. And yeah I know it’s because it’s schlager and that’s generally a really cheerful genre by default, I touched on that in the review above,

Is this my personal winner for this year? This or Israel

If no, what is? Israel- Yizhar Cohen- “Olé Olé”

Personal ranking (out of 67): 14th

1986- J’aime la Vie

Country: Belgium

Artist: Sandra Kim

Language: French

Thoughts: This song is an enigma because I’m an absolute slut for 80s pop, yet, for some reason, I find this song painfully average and uninteresting. Now, I’ll get it off my chest and say that 1986 was also a painfully average and uninteresting year, and most of the time I just felt myself remembering the singer more than the song, and even then I struggle to remember what some of the acts even were. It was just such a boring blur of a year I’m surprised the juries even managed to stay awake to pick a winner. And I GUESS you could argue that this song is so upbeat and peppy that it woke them up, but that doesn’t excuse how bloody generic it is. Like, this is the most generic 80s song you can imagine, and not in a good way. It feels more like stock music than an actual publicly released pop song. Had it not won, I doubt it would’ve stood out to me at all; it would’ve just faded into the background with all the other muted, 80s-coloured mush from this year. Basically, there’s a reason the singer’s age is the only thing noteworthy about this song.

Is this my personal winner for this year? Not really

If no, what is? Luxembourg- Sherisse Laurence- “L’amour de ma vie”

Personal ranking (out of 67): 49th

1987- Hold me Now

Country: Ireland

Artist: Johnny Logan

Language: English

Thoughts: Ah yes, the superior Johnny Logan winner. And I’m not sure why everyone forgets this one because Mother of Mercy this song is in another league entirely compared to the other schlock Ireland’s won with. Like this is their best winner, no competition. One of their best songs overall as well. One of the best entries from the 80s, one of the best winners of the 80s, one of the best winners… Yeah, I really like this song. I’ll admit to sleeping on this one for too long myself, always dismissing it as some boring Irish ballad to go with all the other boring Irish ballads they somehow managed to win with (we’ll get to that later), and always agreeing with people who said XYZ country (always Yugolslavia) should have won instead. Basically I learnt the hard way to never judge a song on its country and genre. But one day I found myself in the midst of a revisiting trip, going back to winners I didn't pay much attention to, just to see if there was anything I’d missed the first time round. And something about the lyrics in this song resonated with me a lot more than I thought they would. In a strange way, it made me feel older; like I’d grown up and was able to relate to the words in a song and appreciate it more than I could when I was younger. The line “what do you say when words are not enough?” especially hits harder than it should; as someone with autism I tend to find showing emotions difficult, even in virtual conversation where I’m not using my voice or face, because… Well, what do you say when your words aren’t enough?

Is this my personal winner for this year? Yes

If no, what is? N/A

Personal ranking (out of 67): 2nd

1988- Ne Partez pas Sans Moi

Country: Switzerland

Artist: Céline Dion

Language: French

Thoughts: Telling people Céline Dion won this thing is a new favourite hobby of mine, just to see the confused reaction. And that’s the most interesting thing about this song because it’s… fine, I guess? It’s a perfectly serviceable 80s power ballad, but there’s no bells and whistles to make me sit up and declare it any better than just “okay”. It’s basically the ballad equivalent of J’aime la Vie from 1986, in that it’s extremely 80s and also in French, but there’s nothing to make it that memorable aside from the singer herself. And even then this isn’t the song that made her famous anyway. Even her singing doesn't make this one stand out, partially because the song doesn't do anything special with it, and partially because she just blends in with all the other good singers of this era. And that’s kinda sad to think about.

Is this my personal winner for this year? Hmmm....

If no, what is? Greece- Afroditi Frida- “Clown”

Personal ranking (out of 67): 22nd

1989- Rock Me

Country: Yugoslavia

Artist: Riva

Language: Croatian

Thoughts: So this is another song it really took me a while to get into (there’s lots of those, trust me) and one that was very briefly in my top three overall favourites. It’s slid down a few slots since then, though I would still say it’s… Somewhere in the top 15. I don’t really have a lot to say about this one, if I’m honest. It’s just a good, fun, solid song which stood out in a very dull and ballad-saturated year, nothing more, nothing less. The lyrics are nice too, being about a bored musician who learns to love music again by teaching himself how to play pop songs to entertain his friends. That’s a unique subject and I can imagine it resonating with a lot of people who’ve fallen out with a hobby they used to love because they took it too seriously (providing they either speak Croatian or have looked up the lyrics, of course). I mean, it resonates with me at least. All in all, I just like this song for its message more than anything else.

Is this my personal winner for this year? No

If no, what is? Portugal- Da Vinci- “Conquistador”

Personal ranking (out of 67): 9th

#Eurovision #mod's winner reviews #posting now because the tag will be CHAOS come 7 lmao #esc winners

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boywivlove · 5 years ago

Text

| Lutz | 01

Chapters | 02

Pairing: Past Hoseok x Reader | Eventual Jimin x Reader

Genre: Figure skating AU | Slight angst | Fluff

Words: 1K +

Summary : After your last performance at the Junior world championships leaves you with a broken leg, your longtime boyfriend and team mate Jung Hoseok decides to partner with someone else and sign with a new agency for the next competition, leaving you behind with the remains of a severed relationship. 2 years go by and your leg has long since healed, but a nasty blow to your confidence has put you off the idea of return to the competition circuit after being left behind. But when a chance meeting with an old friend catches you by surprise, you find yourself with a new partner. And after working hard you end right back where everything went wrong. But this time your going to show just far you’ve come.

Warnings : Mentions of broken bones and injury | some strong language |

Authors Note: Heyyyy SO Im still here haha, Ive been so busy with work and getting ready for christmas Ive not had time to write, but hopefully people are still here and want to read my skater AU hahah >W<

Its funny how things can change so quickly. You feel like everything just fits together, like a jigsaw portraying the image of your perfect life. You never really think about the perfection shattering like a mirror and you, being left to pick up the pieces of your once perfect reflection. Some things are just not meant to last forever I guess.

It was currently autumn time in your small little town, the leaves had long since shifted from lush greens into the beautiful hues of orange and red, like fire lining the cobbled streets. The chill in the air calling for thick winter wear and stalls of delicious hot foods perfect for this kind of weather. Yet as you walk the busy street, your once beloved time of year now only brought you broken memories and an ache in your bones you couldn’t seem to shift.

You readjusted your messenger bag as you opened the door to the small coffee shop, the bell chiming as you felt the warmth kiss your frostbitten cheeks. It had been two years to the day when your dreams were ripped away from you. It was in this very cafe that you remember every detail of that night, every word he spoke to try and make you see his point of view, as if to soften the blow of his abandonment. Who was he trying to kid? His name was Jung Hoseok, Jhope in the figure skating circles. Yes, THAT Jung Hoseok. Lovable bad boy Pro skater Jung. god. damn. Hoseok. It was such a bad break up, if you could call it a break up. More like complete abandonment in your opinion. Who the hell abandons their girlfriend and skating partner for competition? Him thats who.

It all happened at the junior world championships. You and Hoseok had been partners for 10 years, ever since you could balance on your skates. and for 5 years you had been a couple going strong. All the training you put in had led up to that moment, the moment to prove yourselves and be scouted out by the mass of agencies that had attended in hopes of snatching some new blood. It was finally your turn and you both breezed through the routine, the toe loops? no sweat. the Salchows were child’s play for you both. But then came the triple lutz. You had practices this particular move almost a hundred times and every time you were near perfect. But that one particular moment. The one time you needed to be flawless, lady luck decided fortune was not in the cards for you. You lost footing mid air and Boom. One broken femur and a trip to the hospital later you felt your ego bruised and your chances of being talent scouted shot.

It was two months later into your recovery Hoseok had asked you to meet at the cafe you sat in now, four booths over in fact. You had arrived a little late due to your injury inconvenience. He had ordered your favourite hot drink, peppermint hot chocolate and asked how you were. You didn’t think nothing of it but he had been distant since the accident. It wasn’t anything you felt you had to worry about, you were confined to the house the majority of your time after being released from the hospital so it was natural to you you hadn’t seen him in weeks. It was only when he cleared his throat and bit his lip you knew something was on his mind, it was a habit he had since he was a kid. Time seemed to slow down in that moment as your world caved in from under you.

“hey listen,, this is a little hard for me to say…”

“oh? is everything alright? I know we haven't been able to practice in a while but once im all healed-”

“no no its,,, look Y/N ill be straight with you.”

“ o- ok?”

“Y/N,, I want to go somewhere with my figure skating. and with you off the ice for the foreseeable,,,, I dont think I can go anywhere.”

“ oh… uh- so,, are you saying you want to go solo?”

“Not quite,,, aghhh listen, after your accident I realised were on different levels in our skating, this just proves it. This competition should have been easy for us and you go and break your leg for fucks sake,”

“oh like it was my intention to make an idiot of myself out there? How can you blame me for that?! Hoseok if you just wait we can work, I can work on my routines. i ca-”

“Y/N I cant say thins any other way but, I got a call from the S.F.S.A and they want me in their program. They’ve partnered me with a great skater and she-”

“Wait… you've already signed with them,,, and got a new partner. Hoseok I cant… I cant believe you. We always said we skate together or not at all. and you know how much I wanted us to get into S.F.S.A TOGETHER? Its like you dont care about anything we worked towards… and just because I broke my leg? … I just. I cant believe you.”

“come on Y/N dont be like this. This is a big opportunity for me. The Seoul Figure Skating Association in a BIG deal. I thought you’d understand. Your my girlfriend why are you being like this”

“Im HURT Hobi!? The slightest inconvenience and you throw me away? ,,,”

The silence was deafening as the two of you sat in that booth, The lighting overhead made Hobis blonde tips look almost white, and your eyes shimmer with unshed tears. It was as if the Hobi you knew, the man you’d loved since childhood had disappeared the moment he sat down. After all the hard work and effort you had put in, both in your teamwork and relationship, was it all for nothing.

“I dont think this is gonna work between us anymore… Things, things change. People change and, I want this Y/N. I cant wait for you anymore.”

Those few sentences broke your heart. With nothing else to say to him you stood up, your crutches steadying you as you said nothing, what could you say to someone who just threw away everything you had together for a chance at bettering his career,,, a career you both put so much effort into. A career he was perusing with someone new. Hoseok stood with you when you struggled to adjust your bag around your head, he looked as though he wanted to help you, but the angry tears threatening to spill out of your reddening eyes was enough to tell him not to. As you made your way to the entrance you looked back at him, his face was masked in an almost pained expression, his cheeks were starting to pinken and his jaw was shaking slightly as thought he was about to cry. You left the shop before you could hear him saying its for the best. if that was what he thought then he can leave you. You were just thrown to the kerb and in that moment. your perfect world had shattered. your reflection left broken into pieces on the floor.

So, two years later and here you sit, in the same cafe, looking over to the booth your whole life came crashing down. Your leg had healed well, and you took back to the ice almost instantly to train yourself up again, but after the pain of losing your partner on and off the ice, you just couldn’t find the confidence you once had. It was as if your competitive lust for figure sating had left you with Hobi. It was after your loss of confidence your mental health took an even bigger hit, you felt yourself declining from the world and the people around you as you just got by day to day. You felt you could heal from what happened physically, but not mentally. But all grey clouds have a silver lining, days went by, the sun came up, and you eventually felt like yourself again. It took a lot, but it was the lack of self confidence in yourself that led you to your current occupation, your local ice rink had an opening for the overseeing the beginners lessons for ages 5-10, as much as you wished you could get back to being the skater you once were, the kids have grown on you. Your days that were filled with dull moping around the now very single woman’s apartment was now filled with tiny rosy cheeked little faces eager to learn. and everyday you felt yourself becoming more and more like yourself. And its this part of your life when you meet someone who turns it all around for you.

#btsbookclub #armysource #jung hoseok fanfic #jung hoseok x reader #jung hoseok #hobi x reader #hobi fanfic #jhope x reader #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts ice skating au #ice skating au #bts figure skating au #park jimin x reader

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irwinkitten · 6 years ago

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hell over me | III

note: so here i m with part three of hell over me, aka vampire!luke. this one i had the most fun writing honestly. warnings: none word count: 3.6k

part one i, part two ii, part iv, part v

The burning anger that kept building up, was going to explode. And he was fully prepared to wipe out an entire race with this anger.

Luke was never one to be left so helpless.

But when Carina was taken from his very bed, her frightened scream sent shivers down his spine.

He could hear the wolf talking with Ashton and the other siren. There was an ache in him and he knew that if he didn’t feed soon he might as well let the sirens do away with him.

‘Carina is still safe, don’t let her lose you now.’ His mind whispered.

That was the only thing that stopped his full anger.

His mate was safe. She was scared, he could feel that. But she was safe. Part of him wondered if it was due to the fact she was a witch that she was still alive.

He knew that her powers had only grown since they first met a century ago. And even then she’d been alive before he was even turned in the twelfth century.

A spike of fear followed by courage made him ready to break free, to rip each siren to shreds with no mercy. She was terrified and he could do nothing.

“You have my word I’ll try to help all four of you get out of here.” The sirens words broke Luke from focusing on the fear that seemed to engulf his mate.

“Good, because I’m ready to break these damn chains, fuck the consequences.” He peeled his eyes back, gaze turning to the wolf. “I’ll give my thanks to your Goddess when I get out of here with my mate safe.”

“Duly noted.” The wolf returned, making Ashton smirk. Luke tried his best not to roll his eyes.

“So, siren. Where do we begin?” His gaze turned to her and she shied away from his gaze, watching as Ashton bristled in the water.

“They’re trying to make the witch cast a spell. She’s been refusing.” Pride surged through Luke at the sirens words and he felt the terror recede.

‘Feel that pride sweet thing. Hold on a little longer.’ He desperately though, silently hoping that by some miracle she could hear him. He knew it was not to be, but in the water pit, any small hope was enough for him.

“A witches magic will never work if coerced. The sisterhood should know this.” His words came as a drawl and he was met with sharp eyes, a fire burning in them.

She had a backbone.

“Do you think I don’t know this? I am to be cursed for eternity if she does the spell under coercion and I want no part of this.” She snapped, her face dropping as she realised exactly who she was talking back to. Luke smirked.

“Your sisterhood sees you as an embarrassment, correct?” Pinkish spots appeared on her cheeks and Luke kept himself in check, stopping himself from letting his hunger overcome him.

Siren blood was lethal to him, he could not afford to slip up.

“I saw through their promises of this life when I joined the sisterhood. I grew depressed. I decided that if they would not free me from the bond, I would refuse to be what legends tell about us.” His eyes swept over her body, the stomach, the stretch marks. Rolls of fat in the wrong places.

“That’s what sets you apart. You have a good heart that they could not corrupt. Why else would they leave you to be in this godforsaken pit with a vampire, a werewolf and two demons, personally taken by Lucifer himself?” Her eyes darted to Ashton who nodded. The gaze then dropped to the still sleeping demon. Luke didn’t blame him. His powers had been bound for weeks now. He knew that if they didn’t get it soon enough, he would perish.

“If they catch me, they’ll make an example of me and use your witch for it.” She finally whispered and Luke shook his head.

“They’ve already caught you.” And he watched the first tear trailed down the sirens cheek.

“I know.” Was all she could whisper, pressing her lips tightly together. And Luke understood why.

A siren's wail could be deadly if they wished it. Sometimes they didn’t have the choice, their emotions dictating the wail and he realised that his words had broken her heart.

“Help the other demon, if he stays disconnected from his magic any longer, he’ll perish.”

“What about you?” Ashton asked, earning a look of gratitude from the siren as tears rolled down her cheeks, moving to where the sleeping demon lay.

“Unless they murder Carina, I’ll be fine.” He shrugged as the sirens song began, louder than before and Luke couldn’t even attempt to fight it. It was powerful and as his eyes rolled into the back of his head, he missed how the siren collapsed, body dangerously close to the water as she blacked out.

“Carina?” Beneath the scent of the dried herbs, he could smell the fumes from the potion that must have been cooking. Luke rolled his eyes as he made his way down to her laboratory.

“Sweet thing, how many times do I need to tell you that the smell of your potions do not need to be masked?” Her head shot up from the cauldron and his lips curved up into a smile that matched hers.

“As many times as it takes, mi amor. The nightshade was particularly foul when it was added, hence the herbs.” He laughed as he watched her eyes return to the bubbling pot, tugging back a small tuft of jet black that had escaped the hair tie.

Moving to stand behind his mate, Luke allowed his hands to capture the strand of hair, fingers pulling the hair tie out before he began to pull her hair back properly, twisting it easily into a tight bun before securing it with the tie once more as she added the next ingredient.

His nose told him it was crushed nettles.

“Thank you mi amor, I’ll be up in an hour.” He dropped a kiss to the juncture on her neck before he made his way back up. He knew better than to try and claim her attention when she was brewing.

Greeted by the clatter of claws as he made his way to the kitchen, Luke chuckled as the small dog skidded to a halt in front of him, sitting herself down and looking up with pleading eyes.

“Your mama is busy my girl. How about we head out for a walk?” He had her leash in his hands within seconds. The only response he got was a wagging tail, making him laugh as they left the house, knowing that she would know whether he told Carina or not.

Small mercies came with his mate, despite the species barrier between the two of them. She’d created a talisman that helped him to blend in with the humans that they interacted with. Other supernatural creatures would recognise him for what he was, but humans remained in the dark.

When they’d found a small pup left in the cold to die, Carina had nursed her back to health and named her Petunia. Luke had no say in their adoption of the dog, but when she’d cast a spell that muted their dogs instincts when it came to Luke, he was entirely smitten with the creature.

He wasn’t surprised a decade later, when she finally admitted she’d cast a second spell on their dog which tied her life to theirs. In other words, their dog was just as immortal as they were.

The walk was with ease, Luke nodding to a few of the humans that seemed to be out with their own pets. Once the pair had returned to the house, Carina was just exiting the laboratory. Petunia greeted her with excited tail wags and soft barks, making her giggle.

Luke leaned against the doorway, his lips curving into a softer smile as he watched the two loves of his long life.

“I see you staring, Hemmings. I’d like my greeting now.” Her eyes met his and Luke didn’t hesitate as he shut the door and swept her into his arms, his lips met hers. Her arms wound around his neck as he placed her back on her feet, holding him close to her.

“One would say you missed me.” He teased her playfully as her lips met his once more and she could only grumble as he pulled away.

“It’s been a long few days thanks to your trip. Allow me to indulge in my feelings that I actually missed your fanged ass.”

A burst of laughter escaped his lips as he pulled her towards the kitchen.

“Well this fanged ass is cooking tonight. What would you like for food, sweet thing?”

He was met with a beaming smile as she sat on the bar stool, her elbow resting on the countertop so that she could rest her head in her hand.

“Surprise me, mi amor. I’ve missed your cooking and insistence that I eat.”

The evening flew by quicker than he liked, finally the two of them allowing to reaffirm their connection. Just the sounds that she made beneath him, he wanted to imprint it within his mind, remind him of these moments when they weren’t together.

They lay in the king sized bed, her head resting on his chest as his fingers carded themselves through her hair. He always marvelled that she was his opposite in many ways. Jet black hair compared to his blonde curls. Dark brown eyes that contrasted with his baby blues, eyes that he knew he could lose himself within for hours if she let him. Her tanned skin, sun kissed from the years they spent in the sunnier climates compared to his pale skin. She was a beauty in his eyes and he was hers.

“Do you ever think about the lost opportunity of children, mi amor?” Her question had caught him off guard and he turned his head down to see her looking up at him, curious brown eyes studying his face.

“Sometimes,” he admitted quietly, “I think about what could have been, what we could be if we wanted. But having children was never right for either of us. I knew that then and know it now. As much as we could make great parents to a teenager who craves attention, we would be useless with an infant. And then there’s the whole secrecy issue.” This made Carina smile slightly as she nodded, her lips pressing against his chest.

“I consider what could be, and realise how lucky I am to have you and Petunia. Perhaps one day we could look into which would mix all supernaturals together, rather than keeping them within their own species.” He gave her a small smile.

“If it would give us the title of parents, I wouldn’t be averse to it. But for now sweet thing, you need a rest. You’ve got your big meeting tomorrow.”

Something shifted in the night, it was three am, past the witching hour and certainly past whatever time would be considered good to break into a home.

But that was what concerned Luke. Carina had made their home unplottable. Humans did not know it existed and other supernatural creatures would have difficulty reaching them.

And then the most haunting sound burned his ears.

Immediately he moved to waked Carina up, but he was trapped, his eyes wide in horror as he watched four sirens break into their room.

His mind was screaming at them, but the words were trapped behind locked lips. He recognised the bright blonde hair easily.

Sorrel smirked as she sauntered across the room, the other three yanking Carina away from him, her screams echoing through his mind, the sound locking itself in there as he desperately tried to move.

“Make her watch.” His eyes flickered to the ground of four, his mate forced into her knees, head held in his direction. He could feel her fear echoing through their bond as well as her anger.

The anger turned to panic as Sorrel straddled Luke’s waist and a growl built up in this throat as he felt the sirens lips trail up his chest.

Everything about her touch was wrong. It revolted every cell of his body but he couldn’t move.

“As fun as it would to break the bond like this, to fuck a vampire and see if they really do break furniture and bones with their stamina, the mistress wants her alive. We promise not to break her too much, little vampire.” And then they were gone.

It was hours later that the sirens magic wore off and Luke twisted off the bed so violently, his body rejecting the remnants of the dinner as his body tried to rid himself of the sirens unwanted touch.

Then he realised what had transpired and the panic set in before the anger overtook.

He knew he would never be able to track her, they were too good at masking scents and magic. So with a hurried apology to the dog, promising that he’d find Carina, he was almost glad that the pup wouldn’t need to be looked after. The house was sentient enough and she didn’t need food to survive. Her life was tied to his and Carina’s.

His first trip was to the vampire council, his eyes half wild as he was greeted into the meeting. The eight vampires in attendance eyes him warily, he was known for his control.

To come in looking so wild and careless, it had them concerned.

“Mister Hemmings, What brings you to the High Council?” He could see the cool look from the elder and knew he needed to calm down. They wouldn’t listen otherwise.

“The sirens.” The words were stated simply, but four of the eight flinched. He realised that he wasn’t the only one who’d had a run in with the sirens

“What about the beasts?”

“They took my mate hours ago.” This earned him looks of sympathy. He hated them.

“Do you have everything prepared if she were to pass? You know you won’t survive long without her.” And the bubbling anger that Luke had been holding back, exploded.

“What? Will you do nothing for my mate? The very mate who made it possible for us to live amongst humans, and to have kept our secret?” He snapped and was met with frowns.

“We cannot risk the lives of our own for the life of a witch.”

Luke was gone from the room before they’d even finished the sentence.

He knew that the elders had issues with his mate being a witch. He remembered the time when a wolf was bound to a vampire, both councils exiled them. Luke has never agreed to that decision. Especially after meeting his own mate.

He was just lucky the witches understood. They understood that Carina was his just as much as he was hers. They had even blessed their union so many years ago.

He knew where he needed to go next.

His journey to the witches council was more exhausting. Even though he didn’t need to sleep, he’d neglected to feed, his desperation overcoming the hunger.

When he greeted the High Council of witches, the concern they shared, to see a vampire look so broke in front of them, it hit him hard.

Falling to his knees, his hunger warring with his desperation, but desperation won out.

“Luke?” His head snapped up and Jade recoiled from the dead look in his eyes. He didn’t care how he presented to others now.

He could feel her anxiety rise and his own was fighting to stay in control.

“Sirens. They took Carina.” The witches Council were in uproar.

“Luke, have you fed?” Jade’s concerned eyes watched as he zoned out, his head snapping towards her when she spoke his name.

“Uh, no?” His confusion and then he felt the anxiety turn into full blown panic and before he could do much else he was knocked out.

When his eyes peeled back, he felt full but exhausted. Jade was sat on the coffee table and that was when he registered that he was laying on the couch.

“We managed to get some blood in you. One of the priestesses is procuring a live feed.” His gut churned and Jade gave him a twisted smile.

“It’ll be someone who deserves to die. Don’t worry.” And she laughed as his shoulders relaxed.

It was easier to focus once he’d fed, his body relaxing as he sat with the witches High Council once more.

“What about the vampire High Council?” Terra queried as the other witches shared looks. Luke scoffed.

“They told me to be prepared for when she dies. They’re not willing to help a witch.”

Uproar.

“Fucking old timers.” Jade snapped as she glanced to her sisters before standing up. Luke met her gaze evenily, resisting the anxiety that was bubbling once more.

“I will personally go with you to every High Council. They have to listen to a representative and a mate.” And he felt relief flooding him. He hoped that it was enough to stave off Carina’s anxiety, even just for a moment.

Having Jade with him, Luke fed more often, keeping himself and his emotions under control as they met with the various High Councils.

When they reached the High Council of wolves, Luke was exhausted and his emotions were close to snapping. This was the last thing he needed, especially with him going into what was considered enemy territory.

He waited by the treaty line, hands stuffed in his pockets as he waited. It was moments as Jade seemingly appeared out of nowhere. He didn’t jump.

“They’ve agreed to see you.” Was all she said before gripping his shoulder and he swore as he felt the uncomfortable sensation of the apparition.

“God dammit woman, warn me before you do that.” He snapped, pulling his arm from her grip. She gave him an apologetic look in return.

“She did that of our request, leech. We didn’t want the others panicking because there’s a vampire walking around.” Luke froze and fought every instinct to snarl at the council. But he composed himself.

“That can be forgiven, but still some warning would have been nice.” He ground out, earning curious looks from the other wolves.

“Why do you want audience with us, vampire?”

“The sirens took my mate. I’ve been travelling to ask for help but also support when I say they need to be wiped out.” This caught the wolves attention.

“We would be willing to support you when you put forward the motion for them to be destroyed. But we cannot grant you the help that you seek.”

Luke fought down the anger. He knew that it was going to happen, every other council had denied their own help.

“Thank you for your time. Jade?” She didn’t need to be told twice as the apparition surrounded them once more and once they were by the treaty line.

“Luke?”

“I’m not giving up. I’ll go to the sirens myself.” He muttered and she watched as he stepped away from her. She moved to step with him, but the look he gave her, froze her in her tracks.

“Let me help.” She whispered and he shook his head.

“I need someone who knows where I’m going. If you don’t hear from me, you know that either I’ve died or they’ve got me. They won’t kill me until they get what they want from Carina.” Jade could feel the goosebumps on her arms as Luke continued to walk away from her.

“Make the councils aware. I want those sirens dead.”

His head was pounding as he pulled himself up from the slumped position.

His eyes turned to the siren who was pushing herself from the floor, her eyes wide and terrified.

“What the fuck was that?” Luke snapped, the anxiety rising in his chest and he registered that it wasn’t his own.

Carina was still alive.

“That was my wake up call.” The blonde demon groaned and Ashton’s head snapped to the other demon.

“Calum?”

The demon that Ashton had named Calum, turned his head towards Luke, ignoring the other demon.

“You said you went to every council?”

“Yeah, almost every council agreed. The only one that didn’t was the vampire council, mostly because I never asked of them.” Luke lifted his shoulders into a shrug and felt the siren work her magic as the song picked up again.

“Good, because they think they can break me, but they don’t know me.” And to the shock of the siren, he stood up, his hands free of the binds.

Magic seemed to surround him as his eyes fell shut and Luke felt the power radiating off the blonde demon and he felt every bind snap, Carina’s emotions hitting him full force and rendering him breathless.

He watched as Ashton’s eyes widened as they met the sirens and Michael smirked.

“These sirens chose the wrong creatures to break. I’m going to make them pay and when I’m through with them, the mere memory of them will be tainted enough for people to forget.

And as the siren helped them from the water pit, once her hands touched Ashton’s, she was sold on helping the four of them.

“I’ll show you the secret passages. I can’t let them live after this.”

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daoimean · 5 years ago

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Pink in the Night IV | Winter Solstice: Part III

Chapter III | Ao3 Link

Summary:

Fellas, is it gay to be madly in love with your gal pal? As war rages and internal demons fester, Glimmer struggles to come to terms with her feelings.

Pairings: Glimmadora (Glimmer/Adora)

Warnings: Panic attacks, discussions of grief

Word Count: 4,941

Well, that's enough for tonight.

Glimmer's only vaguely aware of herself as she half-stumbles, bewilderedly, back into the crowd. She takes the arm of the nearest sober person she recognises— Perfuma, she thinks— and stammers out some lame excuse, about being tired or not feeling well or something, teleporting away before the other has a chance to say anything.

Her room is far enough from the ballroom that the noise of the party has faded down to a distant background buzz. She can hear, think, breathe again, like a drowning girl finally coming up for air. But her thoughts are caught in a whirlwind, billowed in a flurry like the blizzard she can see picking up outside her window.

Adora just kissed her— she just kissed Adora.

There's no way she can go back to that party now. That much she's certain of.

She's either shivering or shaking as her unsteady hands fumble to remove her headpiece and garments (which are only slightly easier to take off by herself than they were to put on), letting them drop unceremoniously to the floor. She messes up the buttons of her pyjama shirt once, twice, three times, cursing herself under her breath with mounting frustration. All she wants is to go to bed. Maybe after a good night's sleep it'll be like this never happened, things can go back to how they were.

(She knows, all too well, that isn't how it works— that things haven't been how they were, how she likes them, in a long time.)

Frantic eyes flit around the room, trying to find something to focus on, ground herself. Glimmer didn't used to be prone to panic attacks; she's sure she's had more in the past two months than her entire life before then. She tries to remember how her mom had successfully talked her down the one time she started unraveling in front of her. Breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale…

She catches sight of Kowl on the window seat, the stuffed koala-owl toy she's had since she was a baby. One of the few remnants of her childhood she could never bring herself to get rid of, not even when she reached her teenage years and all she wanted was to grow up. She doesn’t know why that’s what brings the tears to her eyes.

Inhale, exhale…

She's okay. She's okay.

No, she's not okay.

But she will be, she might be, if she can just—

Her hand comes up to wipe her eye, but her fingers hover briefly over her lips, where phantom traces of Adora's kiss still linger.

She knows, or at least she's been told countless times by countless people, that time is supposed to heal. One day (though no one dares use wording this crass), she'll get over her mom. One day, she'll get over Adora. One day, she'll grow up.

Her eyes fall on Kowl again. Then she picks it up and throws it across the room, as hard as she can manage. It doesn't go very far, and she doesn't feel any better. She watches, chest heaving, as it misses the wall, landing on the floor a few metres before it— and she stares and stares at that wall until her vision blurs, her legs give way under her, and she clamps her shaking hand over her mouth as calculated breaths roll out as choked, pathetic whimpers.

Inhale, inhale, inhale—

A knock.

The sound pulls her back to the surface, but the voice that follows wrenches a gasp that tears out what little air she could draw into her lungs.

"Glimmer? Are you okay?"

...Yeah, no, she needs more air.

She teleports without much regard for where she's going, emerging from the light midair and landing on her butt on the snow-covered concrete of some unmanned parapet.

It's cold . That’s the first thing she realises when she comes to her senses. The fresh layer of snow beneath her numbs her bare hands, her cosy pyjamas not nearly cosy enough to withstand the icy wind that howls in her ears, tousles her hair. She didn't even have the sense to put shoes or slippers on over her socks. Smart thinking, Glimmer. Truly the pragmatic mind of a Queen-to-be.

Yet, it's only up here that she manages to steady her breathing. She grasps the wall, dragging herself to her feet. She's shivering, but she's okay. She thinks.

When the urge to cry rises, she doesn't try to stop it this time, the turmoil she releases with every sob carried away with the blustering wind. She doesn't even know what she's crying about anymore. She's crying about nothing, she's crying about everything, she's numb and she's hurting and she's alone and she's cold , so very very cold. She's lost track of time altogether by the time the snow crunches behind her.

Adrenaline surging through her frozen limbs, she pulls her head from her arms, snapping round to be greeted with a looming figure, a mass of billowing golden hair.

Adora.

(Well, kind of.)

"Did you really transform into She-Ra just to get up here faster?" Glimmer asks her, having to raise her voice as the storm flares up around them like a freezing inferno. Her teeth are chattering. She can barely move. As the adrenaline leaves her, she's left too cold to think. She can barely even see.

"I wasn't sufficiently dressed," Adora bellows back, unaffected as a huge gust lifts her cape and hair, the assault of snow melting on her upon contact, "and neither are you , Glimmer! Come here, you must be freezing ."

All other thoughts are subdued by just how much she needs to be warm right now. She summons whatever strength she has left to stumble into Adora's extended arms, enveloped in her warmth. She-Ra's warmth.

(She prefers Adora.)

Once she's able to, she teleports them both back inside. Adora, releasing her She-Ra form and closing the window she must have climbed out of, leads Glimmer to sit down on the cushioned window seat, finding a blanket and pulling it around her shoulders. Glimmer's already sufficiently warmed up, but she snuggles up anyway, watching Adora with a newfound calm that warms her insides too.

"You seem pretty lucid," Adora says, pressing two fingers to Glimmer's wrist to check her pulse,"and your pulse rate is normal. You probably weren't out there long enough for hypothermia to set in, thankfully. Seriously, Glimmer, what were you thinking , going out in that in your pyjamas? If you needed space you could have just told me to go away."

Glimmer finds herself smiling, in spite of herself. She knows Adora's nagging comes from a place of caring; she almost wants to tell her she sounds like her mom. "I don't think I was thinking."

" Clearly ." Adora rolls her eyes, lightly papping her cheek; her mouth is twitching up, like she's trying not to smile herself. "If I go and get you a hot drink, can you promise me you're not gonna go take a swim in the lake or something while I'm gone?"

Glimmer playfully rolls her eyes. "I'll try my best." Adora glowers at her, and she bites back a laugh and relents. "Fine, I promise! I'll be right here, okay?"

As Adora slips out, Glimmer notices the plate of party food on the side table, a whole a whole assortment of her favourites. The gift hidden in her desk drawer suddenly feels even lamer in comparison, and something she thinks might be guilt curls in her belly. She really hopes Adora comes back soon.

And she does, cradling a cup of chamomile tea. Glimmer accepts it gratefully, motioning over her now half-empty plate as Adora hovers awkwardly before her. "Do you wanna share?" It's a coded invitation to stay, hopefully not laced with the desperation she feels.

"I don't think I could eat another bite," says Adora, shrugging off her scabbard and setting the sword aside (that Glimmer cannot believe she brought to a party, but then it's Adora so she guesses she can) before sitting down next to her, though her posture remains stiff, like she's still preparing to leave, like she doesn't know if she should be here at all, "and Bow mentioned you hadn't had dinner after Perfuma told us you said you weren't feeling well, so I thought I'd…" She looks at her hands. "Sorry, I know you um, probably wanted space, I was just going to give it to you and leave, if you wanted me to, but then you were gone and—"

"It's lucky you knew where I went," Glimmer interjects. She reaches out, hesitates, then settles her hand on Adora's shoulder. "Look, it's okay , Adora. I probably would have froze otherwise."

"I'm still sorry."

"Don't be."

She has a feeling it's not just that she's apologising for.

A silence falls over them. Glimmer retracts her hand as Adora shifts around, settling properly across from her.

As someone who's had trouble making friends until recently, it's only with Adora that Glimmer came to accept and even enjoy amicable silences. Silences that don’t make her anxious, that she doesn't feel the need to fill for fear of being awkward or boring, where two people can just bask quietly in the pleasure of each other’s company.

This isn't one of those silences, though. It's heavy, almost crushing, weighed down with things left unsaid; the elephant in the room may as well be sitting on her chest.

"It never snowed in the Fright Zone," Adora says after a while. "The smog always got worse during the winter, though. Sometimes you can’t even go out for more than a few seconds without a vog mask."

"That...wow." It's far from the worst thing Glimmer's heard about the Fright Zone, but it's still kind of unfathomable. Having grown up in a queendom proudly devoid of pollution, she can't imagine not even being able to safely breathe the air around her. She’s glad Adora got out of there. "It snows every year here. Always around the same time, which is why we centre the Solstice season around it. It's...honestly kind of annoying."

"I think it's beautiful."

As Adora says this, Glimmer follows her gaze to the blizzard outside, which is ebbing down to a more steady snowfall. She watches the flakes dance in the wind like stardust, settling over the landscape in layer upon fluffy layer of pure white that almost seems to glitter in the moonlight. It's the exact same thing she's seen countless times, but it's like her perspective has shifted through the mesmerised earnesty of Adora's words. Like she's seeing it through her eyes.

Then, she looks at Adora, at her profile betraying an almost childlike fascination, the silvery lunar glow softening and highlighting her features in all the best ways.

She can still faintly hear the party they're both supposed to be attending, but the more she watches Adora and the snow the less anything else seems to matter. No past, no future, just her, Adora, and a sleeping world enshrouded in white.

"Yeah," she murmurs, "I guess it is."

Soon enough, the world will reawaken. The snow will freeze over and melt, where it's not already been cleared from roads and walkways or trampled by the shoes of leaving partygoers. It'll dissipate to grey-brown mush then, soon enough, nothing at all.

She it’s necessary, that the world has to keep on turning no matter what it tarnishes, but to Glimmer's selfish side, it all seems so unfair. Why does everything have to be so fleeting?

"You know," she adds, "I bet Frosta wouldn't mind us crashing at hers, if you really like the snow— like, obviously once all of the, um, Horde stuff has blown over. We could go skiing."

"Yeah." Adora smiles a little, and it occurs to Glimmer she probably doesn't actually know what skiing is. "That would be nice."

She wants to show Adora all her favourite places, showcase the best of Etheria to the girl who’s thrown herself into saving a world she barely knows outside of the dismal corner of it she was raised in, and she wants to experience them all over again with her by her side. Skiing in the Kingdom of Snows; swimming by the Crystal Falls; a picnic in Serenia; tea at that cute cafe in Glenmar, run by a rumoured ex-Hordesman who's managed to embrace a peaceful family life. The fantasies flicker through her mind like a flip book, all vague and innocent and kind of dumb, in a future too optimistically idyllic to even bear thinking about.

(It ends with a flashback to her conversation with Casta. How she and the girl she loved were going to go to Silaneas. Who was she? Does Casta even remember her name?)

"I hate this uncertainty," Adora says, so quietly it's hard to tell if she's talking to Glimmer or just thinking out loud, "not knowing what's going to happen."

"Mmm." Glimmer hums. "I really wish we had something to go on. I don't think even Shadow Weaver knows what's going on unless she's giving us the runaround."

Adora sighs. "Yeah, no, she doesn't have a reason to lie, she wants to bring down the Horde as much as we do. She's not as hard to read as everyone thinks, Glimmer.” She turns to her with a little smirk, trying to bring a little light back into the conversation. “You just have to weigh out how much the situation benefits her ."

"Yeah, it’s...weird, she's actually been... really helpful? I know more about my magic than ever thanks to her." She grimaces, almost physically pained by having to talk positively about Shadow Weaver. "It kind of sucks, actually, I have been itching for round two." She straightens herself, palming her fist (a precarious thing to do while she's still holding her tea), and feels her heart do the happiest of little flips as Adora unexpectedly snorts with laughter. She'd missed Adora's laugh. She'd missed being the one to make her laugh. "What? I could take her!"

"I've know you can take her, dumbface. I still wish I'd been conscious to witness it." Glimmer can see her eyeing the party snacks and pushes the plate over. Adora picks up a mooncake and takes a huge bite, continuing to talk through the mouthful. They're presumably not taught about that kind of etiquette in the Horde, but Glimmer's honestly the last person to care. It's just another one of Adora's weirdly cute little quirks that might only be cute because it's Adora. "Sorry, it was calling to me, I couldn't resist— oh, these are so good. "

"My face isn't as dumb as her sweater," Glimmer grumbles. It's really hard to keep playing grumpy while she watches Adora's typically theatrical reaction to good food. Even after months of living here, Adora's still so enthralled by some of the little things, and even after months of witnessing these reactions, even when she herself takes most of these things for granted, the joy always seem to rub off on Glimmer.

(She could never take Adora for granted.)

"Oh, that reminds me—" As Adora reaches into the inner pocket of her suit jacket (Glimmer is definitely not going to take the sight of Adora in a suit for granted), Glimmer can only wonder what could possibly be in there that reminisces with Shadow Weaver's stupid sweater.

What she produces, finally, is a little box.

A very familiar little box, right down to the now slightly smooshed... bow on top.

Hmmm .

"Adora." Glimmer quirks an eyebrow in feigned ignorance. "That's gotta be a really small sweater."

"Yeah, no, you sharing your food, then the talk of ugly festive sweaters, just got me thinking about festivities in general, goodwill and all of that— and that made me remember... this, um—" She holds out the box, looking away bashfully. "Weird train of thought, you know? Sorry, I, uh, haven't really— done this before…"

Usually, people don’t exchange gifts until morning, but there's no use pointing that out. "Uh, hang on, we should probably do this at the same time," says Glimmer. She sets the tea she's been steadily sipping safely aside as she gets up, leaving her blanket discarded on the seat while she retrieves Adora's gift from her desk drawer; realisation crosses Adora's features as soon as she sees the box, fashioned with an identical bow.

"Did..."

"Yup," Glimmer confirms, "he insisted on it. Right down to the wrapping."

They exchange gifts, along with playful eye rolls directed towards Bow and his meddling, and their own inabilities to settle on gifts for each other without it. Glimmer can only watch from the corner of her eye while Adora opens her, feeling a familiar heat rising up her cheeks. She doesn't know why this is making her so nervous— Adora already pretty much knows what it is.

It's a bracelet. A simple gold chain, fashioned with a ruby charm Bow showed her how to painstakingly whittle down into a faceted star.

("Why a star?" he'd asked her, and she'd made some dumb (and in hindsight maybe kind of insensitive) 'out of this world' joke because she was too embarrassed to explain the actual reason.)

"Oh, Glimmer." She holds it up to the light, watching how it reflects off the deep red of the jewel. "It's so pretty."

Adora's gift to Glimmer is, as she suspected, almost identical. Silver chain, and the charm is a moonstone whittled into a crescent moon, which she supposes makes more immediate sense. On one hand, she's grateful, to both Bow and Adora, she'll treasure this, she already knows that for certain, but on the other—

Did Bow really have them make each other friendship bracelets? Adora obviously has the same thought, Glimmer sees it when she accidentally meets her eye as she opens her mouth to thank her— and they both fall into a fit of giggles.

It's not that funny, it might not even be funny at all, but there are tears of laughter in the corners of Glimmer's eyes by the time she looks up again. Her cheeks already hurt from smiling more than she has in a long time.

She’s a little surprised Adora seems to know what a friendship bracelet is. Maybe it's one of those things that's universal with kids everywhere, like playing tag or drawing that weird S thing all over their school books. There's one likely person Adora would have exchanged them with, though, and...no, she's not entertaining that thought.

(Bow was actually the one to introduce the concept of friendship bracelets to her, back when they were two dumb kids with stars in their eyes and Glimmer's mom was still there to handle all the important stuff, the high stakes stuff. They wove each other's bracelets from string, and wore them until they began to fray and unravel and they both came to the unspoken agreement to give them up. She supposes when it comes to these bracelets made of silver and gold, the chains or the clasps might just snap eventually. She supposes it kind of does reflect how friendships work, or at least how they end.)

"Can you help me put this on?" Adora asks, fumbling with the clasp. "It's really— oh, thank you."

Adora helps her fasten hers too, and they both hold their wrists up to each other's for comparison. Glimmer starts giggling again, until she realises Adora isn't.

"Hey." Glimmer reaches over to poke her nose, which seems to rouse her attention. "What's up?"

Adora pokes hers back, and grins far too wearily to be reassuring as Glimmer does the inevitable nose crinkle. "Sorry, I'm just…happy."

"Happy?" She's something , but Glimmer isn't sure if happy is the word. Nostalgic, maybe. For the nights in Glimmer's room where the world was still and the moons were their company, where they could talk about anything and everything without the tension, without the damn elephant.

(Fearful, terrified, that the comforting familiarity they've found in each other is crumbling, giving way to an uncertain future.)

"Festive spirit." Adora shrugs, and they're both momentarily distracted as, as if on cue, a distant cheer can be faintly heard erupting from the ballroom, the music rising in volume to the point that Glimmer can tell what song it is. It must be time for the dance.

"You can go back if you want." Don't go. Not now. Not yet. Not like this. "I'm okay now. I'll be okay."

"I'd rather be here. If you want me to." Adora's hand finds Glimmer's, hesitating over it, her smile wavering; Glimmer can see right through the cracks forming across her composure, and it pulls at what she keeps trying to bury with a panic that tightens her throat. Not now, not yet. "I've...really missed you, Glimmer."

"I've missed you too." Glimmer's fingers slide through Adora's, like the resurgence of an old instinct. Her gaze drifts to the window. The snowfall has slowed, enough that she can follow an individual snowflake until flutters out of view. "I'm...sorry I've been so absent lately, I've just been really...in my own head, I guess. It's...hard to explain."

"It's fine." Adora sighs. "I can't really blame you after...everything."

Glimmer's eyes widen. Her heart sinks. "Adora..."

“Sorry, sorry, I—” Adora lets out something that sounds like a laugh, but it's bitter, completely humourless, muffled into the hand she brings over her mouth. It sounds more like she's about to cry. "I always have to go and ruin it, don't I?"

"Hey, no—" But Adora's already pulled her hand away, closing in on herself. "Come here." Glimmer's slow in her movements, allowing Adora the chance to reject the comfort at any point, first gently taking Adora's wrists, trailing her hands to her shoulders, then, finally sliding her arms around her, pulling her in like a lifeline. Adora makes no move until she returns the embrace, hiding her head in Glimmer's shoulder as she clings to her with a desperation that harrowingly reminds Glimmer of herself on that first night, her breathing shallow and rushed as much as it sounds like she's trying to steady it.

"I'm sorry." Adora whispers, the quivering distress in her words wrenching the tightness in Glimmer's throat. "For everything. I'm so sorry."

"You need to stop apologising," Glimmer says, and it might come out more harshly than she means it too. She runs her hand up and down Adora's back, trying to communicate through her touch that she didn't mean it that way. "It's not your fault, none of this is your fault."

In the whole two months, they've only kind of managed to talk about what happened. Adora knows that it isn't her fault, that Glimmer's mom made her own decision to sacrifice herself in place of Adora. But knowledge isn't acceptance. The guilt will chip away at her, sullying her every interaction with Glimmer, pulling her away in the currents of time, in the waves of grief, until, unless—

Unless Glimmer can hold on.

And she can hold on, she will hold on.

She can't let this end.

Not now, not ever.

"I love you," she says. It slips out among the typical affirmations, the it's okay 's and I'm here 's, before she's aware of the words taking shape in her mind. "I love you," she repeats, "I love you."

Soon enough, Adora's breathing steadies out, but her pulse doesn't slow, its rhythm reverberating even through the layers of clothes between them. Her arms are around Glimmer as she draws herself back, leaning her forehead against hers. Glimmer, suddenly, is aware of her own pulse, picking up in turn. It's the good kind of heart racing, she thinks, she hopes. She wonders if their hearts are in sync. She wonders how long it's been since she last thought about that.

She’s about to ask, stupidly, if Adora’s okay, until Adora’s words knock her right off course.

"I've never kissed anyone before tonight," she confesses quietly, her lips twitching in a stifled laugh. "I don't know what I was thinking. I’m—" She bites back the apology. “I probably...shouldn’t have done that.”

Glimmer's always tentative about touching Adora's face. She knows she doesn't like it, and she's pretty sure she knows why. But as Glimmer lingers her hand over her cheek, silently requesting permission, Adora actually leans into the touch, closing her eyes briefly with a releasing sigh. "I kissed you too," she points out softly, "it takes two to tap dance, or whatever that dumb phrase is."

A light dusting of pink rises up Adora's cheeks. She places her hand over Glimmer's, holding it where it is, her fingers calloused yet her touch feather-light where she runs her thumb across the smoother skin of a hand that's never wielded a sword. "I'm so embarrassed," she almost whispers, "Everyone was staring, I don't know, I just— did I even do it right?"

"Shh." Glimmer soothes, bringing her other hand up to Adora's other cheek. "I wouldn't know." She pauses. Her heart is pounding, her skin is tingling, the butterflies finding their home in her stomach — the good kind, definitely the good kind. "I mean," she adds quietly, so quietly even the omnipresent reach of the moons can't eavesdrop, the moment theirs and theirs alone, "we could always try again."

When their lips meet, the white and red sparks dancing between them mingle and merge into one unified light that glows and grows, so warm she momentarily forgets what it is to be cold, so vitalising she momentarily forgets what it is to be afraid. It's hard to define a moment. It could have been a second, it could have been an eternity. And when she opens her eyes, Adora is still there in front of her, eyes sparkling and a soft, bashful smile gracing her features that Glimmer swears, then and there, is the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen.

Silence falls over them again after that. The best kind of silence, filled with warmth and butterflies. They find a settled position neither of them are going to move from anytime soon, Adora resting against the cushions behind her, Glimmer resting across her with her head on her chest. She could stay here forever.

“Glimmer?” Adora chimes softly.

“Hm?”

"I love you too. Did I mention that already? I’m not sure I did."

Glimmer lets out an amused huff, shifting ever so slightly to drape her arm across Adora's waist. "It’s okay. I kind of gathered."

"I wish I'd told you before.” Adora sighs. “Even before...any of this, I was just…"

"Scared?" Glimmer's eyes flicker up to meet Adora's.

"Scared. Confused. Not sure whether you... I actually confided in Bow before the party and he gave me this big pep talk that got me all psyched up. It...probably wasn't the best time to confess anyway, in hindsight, and I didn't account for that whole mistletoe thing—"

Well, that explains the way Bow was looking at them when Adora took her aside.

"That's…" Glimmer lets out another amused huff. "Very Bow. I got my pep talk from Mermista ." She groans to herself. "You know it's bad when Mermista gets involved."

“Oh, wow .” Adora groans as well, comedically dramatic. "Why are we like this, Glimmer?"

"We're dumbfaces. Both of us. The dumbest faces in Etheria." She pokes Adora's nose again. "And...you know, there's...actual reasons, that are still there.” Ah, there you are, reality. “I don't know if we can, like, feasibly...be...a thing."

"Do you want to?"

"What?"

"Be a thing?"

"I mean…" Glimmer feels a familiar leap of trepidation in her chest, but it's dwarfed by the conviction of the real answer. "Yeah. I do. I really do."

"Then we'll make this work."

"How?"

"We improvise." Glimmer snorts , pulling herself up slightly to lightly shove Adora's shoulder, and Adora’s jaw drops as she pretends to be offended. “What? It’s how we do everything else!”

“You’re such a dumbass,” says Glimmer, and it’s true, but she makes a compelling point — and Glimmer, is, well, also a dumbass. They’re perfect for each other.

"Can I be your dumbass?" Adora does an excruciatingly cute kissy face and Glimmer rolls her eyes, trying to hide the giant smile tugging her lips.

“I guess .” She’s smiling, contrary to the poorly feigned reluctance of her words. She can’t stop smiling.

They solidify the decision with another kiss, and it's familiar now, so familiar Glimmer wonders why she was ever scared in the first place. The world is theirs, and it's boundless. They can take it all on in their stride; soar over the moons and dance in the stars.

Obviously, there's plenty of reasons to be scared. Her and Adora have far more to work through than can be dealt with in one night, both together and as individuals. The future remains uncertain, and Glimmer still bears the burden of Bright Moon and the Rebellion and her own persisting grief on her weary shoulders, and Adora may have multiple worlds on hers.

But tonight, once they can bring themselves to detangle to take care of their bedtime routines, Glimmer and Adora will fall asleep together and safe in the warmth of each other's arms. The snow is falling, the moons are bright, and Adora's eyes are gateways to the stars beyond the foreboding void of Etheria's night sky. Tonight, Glimmer will look into those galaxies and come home on those lips as they meet her own, again and again and again.

#glimmer #adora #glimmadora #she ra #spop #shera fanfic #my writing

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notquitejiraiya · 6 years ago

Text

Chess [17] - {ShikaTema AU}

Despite all odds, and thinking I wouldn’t have got inspired to do it, here is Chapter17; brought to you on New Years Day as I planned :)

I dedicate this (which I never do) to the badass people who I’ve only spoken to a little bit, but have been so damn kind about my work and are just great people.

Enjoy :)

[Read / Comment on AO3 Here]

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Nothing could quite compare to how Temari felt in this exact moment, nor could she relate any experience in her life to the underlying fear that had resonated since Saturday night; that ever-present pang of hurt that clung to her chest and send shivers down her spine.

Gaara, as expected, had been as helpful as he could be. When she got home, after the false smiles and tired eyes played well in front of Kankuro, she made a beeline for his room, and found him sat in bed, reading as he waited. There he had sat, looking at her with a gaze that was equal parts exhausted and excited, but it took only one proper look at her for his arms to open up. And, obviously, she ran to him.

All she’d done was explained. The evening had been pleasant, despite the fact that he was late, and very much despite the fact that he wasn’t willing to give her up as a therapist. She was not going to be any use to him anymore—she must’ve told Gaara that a hundred times over, but nothing seemed to make him speak. As always, her little brother sat and listened intently, holding her close until she eventually calmed down and fell asleep in his arms. When she’d woken up he was on the floor with a blanket and a pillow, his red hair spread messy, and she couldn’t help smiling. He was definitely her big brother at heart.

Both Sunday and Monday had been days of false smiles and hiding, reading every file but his in an attempt to recollect her thoughts and not be useless, but every road felt like it lead back to him. Every phrase that fell from a patient’s mouth felt inferior, and, while on the Monday she had her first patient who was ready to stop coming to see her, she felt no fulfilment.

She thought knowing him had been making her happy, but now she felt almost nothing at all.

But that whole time had been leading up to this moment. For two days she’d been waiting to hear that door click, torturing herself by reading his file over today’s lunchtime, and trying her absolute best to keep up with everything people said to her. Without a doubt, though, she had never felt more on edge in her life, and she stared at the doorknob, just waiting for it to turn.

As the metal glinted as it moved, Temari wanted nothing more than to hide away behind her desk or disappear away, never to return. Instead she braced herself, took a deep breath, and desperately searched for a positive in the situation.

Three-fifty-four, she noted the time. He’s early for once.

“Hi,” she mumbled, forcing a smile.

“Hi. Sorry.”

“Come sit down,” she instructed, adjusting her position on her chair. “Are you, um, doing alright today?”

All Shikamaru could do in response was nod, rubbing his neck nervously as he stepped closer. “Well, this is awkward.”

“It’s not!” she lied. “So have you had any problems since Friday?”

It was his turn to lie, shaking his head.

“Really? None?”

And again. “No.”

“How’re your family?”

Suddenly there was a smile on his face, and she could feel herself getting riled up; confused by it’s appearance. “You’ve got no idea how to talk to me now, have you?”

Temari gulped, her palms sweating. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“This is horrible,” he chuckled, shaking his head. “It feels like we’ve never even met before.”

“That’s what I was going for. You were the one who said forget about everything, Shikamaru. I’m forgetting it.”

“I didn’t mean forget how to be a normal human being.” Shikamaru sighed, sitting back into the sofa and biting his lip as his eyes looked everywhere but at hers. “I meant go back to before what happened—I meant be yourself, Tem.”

“Temari,” she argued, correcting him. “And that’s difficult, given that I knew this would happen and yet you just had to come back.”

“Tem—”

“And now I can’t help you.”

The spark that was fighting to stay alive in his eyes suddenly went out, and his arms folded across his chest, sloppy like a ragdoll. His gaze flew towards the window, and like a statue he was at once immovable.

Temari felt a lump in he throat. “Shall I grab the board?”

He didn’t move.

“Okay then, shall I just go fuck myself?”

She thought she saw that slight smile wriggle its way back onto his lips, but when she blinked it was gone. “Why don’t you just ask me about Asuma?” he mumbled. “You were on a fucking roll on Friday until I stopped you.”

“Your teacher?” She frowned. “Is there more for you to say about him? You already covered a lot of it then.”

He laughed, humourlessly. “Forget it then, jeez.” She could see his eyeballs flickering side to side, lulling closer to closing as he watched the clouds. “It’s as if you’ve forgotten your job.”

The recurring desire to punch him was crawling back to her, stronger than it ever had. “My job, Shikamaru is to help you understand yourself, and to make you feel better. And, to be really honest with you, right now I have no idea how to do that whatsoever.”

“Brilliant.”

“Will you just shut up?” she shouted, burying her face in her palms.

Shikamaru could see just from the whiting of her knuckles out of the corner of his eyes how uncomfortable she was, and the sharpness of her voice wasn’t something he was used to. Why had he at any point thought that this was going to be different from this? Did any sane part of him really think that she wouldn’t be mad at him in some way, shape or form? Of course he didn’t, so why was he so surprised that she was upset, infuriated. She almost looked broken, and the same insane part of him that was so riddled with hopeful denial wanted nothing more than to mend her somehow.

But, then again, she was Temari—from what she’d told him she was the strongest person she knew. Surely some stupid skinny asshole hadn’t shattered that person to a nervous wreck. She wasn’t like him; or, at the very least, he didn’t want to think that she felt at all like he did right now.

“Temari, I’m sorry, I—”

“I don’t want you to apologise to me. I don’t want you to even mention it.” Her eyes, bloodshot and angry stood in agreement, but Shikamaru couldn’t help thinking they didn’t give the whole picture.

He leant forward in his seat, hands locked together between his knees. His gaze turned solely on her, desperately trying not to waver and determined to not look away again. “I’m sorry I came back.”

“I just cannot believe I called you selfless, Shikamaru. You’ve come back here purely for yourself, like you don’t realise how genuinely hard this is for me to continue with!”

“We went on one date…”

“Which was one too many, Shikamaru! I—” She stopped herself abruptly, lowering her voice to a whisper. “I almost fucking kissed you!”

He gulped, eyes falling to the floor.

“I’m sorry. Did you actually want to talk about Asuma?”

“If you want me to. If it helps me get better then sure,” he mumbled, nodding.

“That’s so important to you, isn’t it? Getting better.” Her voice was almost bitter, but she masked it well with her soft smile. “That overrides everything.”

Shikamaru’s shoulders drooped. “I mean, obviously it’s important to me, but I wouldn’t say it ‘overrides everything’.”

“So, if you were to have the chance to do something that would make you genuinely happy but it would stop you getting better, you’d do it?”

He raised his head again, shaking his head with the most surprising smile yet. “I know exactly what you’re saying. My IQ is through the roof remember.”

“I never said anything about—”

“But I know that’s you’re saying. I know what can make me better, and I will do it. When I’m better I can do the things I want to do…”

It was Temari’s turn to feel her stomach fill with guilt. Despite the anger that rushed through her body, and the insane temperature at which her blood was boiling, for reasons she couldn’t quite pin down, she suddenly felt herself go cold at the sight of his smile. Not calm—no she was definitely still infuriated with him—but genuinely chilled. So many times she had looked at him and seen nothing but his usual melancholic veil of false calm, having no idea what was really happening under than dark hair and what was really inside his heart. Never had she known exactly what he was going to say; she just wasn’t able to pin him down like that.

Until now, because, strangely, he could feel it herself. So many things at once, rushing around; always taking blame and never placing it for so many unforgotten mistakes and could-have been moments, trapped in a loop of hostility towards himself that made his fingers tap anxiously…she could see it all. And, despite all her instincts as a therapist, she couldn’t bear to watch anymore.

“Most of them, anyway,” he added finally, one corner of his mouth raising, as if to convince her he was okay, really.

It didn’t work.

“I’m sorry. I never should’ve agreed to go out with you.”

Shikamaru shook his head, a deep frown carved into his expression. “Stop it. You have nothing to apologise for.”

“But, I—”

“You’re only trying to help me,” he acknowledged. “It’s my fault that I’m back here, and it’s my fault that I’ve painted myself with an extra layer of pain every hour since Saturday, and I’ve kept adding to it; checking my phone, almost calling you, almost calling here yesterday. I know its entirely my own fault, and yet I can’t shake it off.” He let out a huge sigh, squeezing his eyes shut as his head shook, trying to displace his thoughts. “I just can’t fix it.”

As she watched him haul himself to his feet, zipping up his hoodie blind, Temari felt her boots violently hit the ground and soon she, too, was on her feet, making a beeline for him. When she’s turned the corner of her desk, her hips swaying rapidly as she sped walked, she reached out to grab his arm, but his eyes flew open, and he stepped back, crossing them across his chest.

“Don’t.”

“Shikamaru—”

“Don’t, it’s fine,” he whispered, trying to stop himself listening to his own words. “I won’t come back.”

Temari was too frozen by far too many emotions to move a muscle, and so she watched hopelessly as the young man paced towards the door—faster than she’d ever seen him walk—lingering with his fingers on the door handle. She thought, maybe, that he’d look up. Or maybe he’d turn and give her one final smile—one last hurrah.

Silently he nodded once, and twisted the knob, leaving as silently as he’d entered. It took seconds for Temari to collapse on the sofa he’d just been sat on, perturbed by the warmth of spot he’d just been in, and pull her phone from her pocket. Quickly, swallowing all of her emotions and whatever pride she had left, she dialled her most called number and listened to the beeps of it ringing, and ringing, and ringing…

“Gaara,” she said to the answerphone, not caring whether he listened now or in three hours, just desperate to speak to someone or something. “Please say you’re going to the pub quiz tonight with trenchcoat-guy. I really want to come—hell I’ll even pay for your drinks, just let me come. Please!” She was aware how painful her begging was, so after a long, deep breath, she uttered the real truth, “I just really need a bloody drink.”

Outside, at the bus stop in the pouring rain, a young man put his phone to his ear and uttered very similar words. “Choji,” he sighed down the phone, “please tell me you can meet me tonight?”

“Man, I’ll be at work from six onwards, but Ino’s probably free if—”

“I’ll come. I need you, man.” He did, and his friend’s vague company would be better than loneliness tonight. He couldn’t do it tonight.

~~~

Temari knew that every other Tuesday her youngest brother would come to the pub, drink with his friends, and play some quiz she’d never considered taking part in. What she didn’t know was that said brother was really, really good at it. And, while that inevitably made her feel a bit stupid and a little more downtrodden given the day she’d already had, it definitely had it perks. Perks which consisted of a lot of free drinks for winning each round.

The clock had barely struck ten and she was convinced at this point that she’d drunk a bucket’s worth of cocktails. Never had she considered herself a cocktail person—she had always been a ‘beer-out-of-the-can’ kind of girl, with the odd gin-and-tonic of someone else could be bothered to make her one. So, unsurprisingly, the pitchers of cocktails their quiz team had one, and she had drunk, had gone straight to her head.

Temari could hold her alcohol with the big guns—she could out-drink Kankuro any day—but this was dangerous. These drinks tasted like fruit juice, and they just kept on coming. She was smart, and underneath the fuzziness and slurring, she was perfectly aware that this was not going well.

And, for once, she didn’t give a shit.

Shikamaru, on the other hand, did.

He’d spotted her the second she walked in, hiding expertly underneath his scarf so she didn’t notice him, and ever since he had been sat, hidden behind a pillar, hoping that she’d never leave her seat—never see him. She had as much right to be here as him, and yet he knew if she saw him she would get up and leave. Or, at least, she would’ve.

He hadn’t join in with the quiz, although Choji had violently urged him that he should, telling him he could get crisps or juice instead of the drinks they gave to winners if he just asked.

“Look,” he said as Shikamaru peered over at the blonde drinking some fantasy-coloured drink through a draw, “you can join in anytime. You’ll ace it if you do!”

“Choji,” he argued, “I didn’t come to play a game and eat crisps. I came to be with my mate and not be alone. If I’m going to feel sad anywhere, I may as well feel sad in a room full of noisy strangers.”

His friend had to stop himself reaching across the bar to hug him. “I’m sorry I have to work, man.”

“It’s fine. Just get me a drink.”

“Orange juice again?”

“No.” Shikamaru shook his head, biting on his lip. “Give me whiskey. Double.”

Choji’s eyes widened, and his forehead creased into a worried frown. “Man, I really don’t think you want to—”

“Choji…”

“The most you’ve drunk since you were eighteen is half a pint of weak-ass beer,” he winced, “and we all know you don’t enjoy drinking.”

Shikamaru fished out a five pound note and held it out to him. “God, you’re a pain. Keep the change, now come on.”

“Shikamaru, you don’t want this. You’ll hate me tomorrow.”

“I said double, Choji.”

The blank stare he sent his friend’s way was enough to make Choji feel as if he’d lost a war, and he could feel the pit of his stomach growing emptier as he looked into the bleak abyss of Shikamaru’s eyes. He was going to ask what had happened but now, as he unwillingly lifted the transparent bottle and measured the liquor as required, he didn’t have the nerve. Something about the lifeless urgency in the voice of his best friend made him feel broken, and after he thought it was all getting better, too.

He snatched the money and put the glass before Shikamaru. “If it weren’t for the fact that my manager is really specific with the ‘refusal of service’ rule, you would not be getting this. You’re an idiot.”

“Love you, too,” sighed Shikamaru, swirling the glass around.

“I thought you wanted to get better Shikamaru,” growled Choji, shaking his head, “but then you do this and just let yourself regress. I swear to God if it’s that girl—”

“It’s not her.” He knocked back the drink, squeezing his eyes shut. “Man, I forgot how shit that tastes.”

Choji only had to take one look at his blank slate of a face to know what was happening. “You’re going to bloody order another one, aren’t you?”

“And I thought you quit your day job as a psychic.”

The sarcasm didn’t even begin to amuse Choji, who shook his head and failed to find words. Only after he’d been called to help someone, minutes of staring at his expectant looking friend later, that he managed to speak. “Fine. But I’m not playing any part in it; ask someone else.”

Shikamaru frowned. “Choji, come on.”

“No,” his friend called back as he walked to the other end of the bar. “I can’t do it.”

After only a couple of minutes of longingly waiting for Choji to come back and throw in the towel, Shikamaru could feel himself falling into that familiar feeling of glee. Unfortunately, he knew it wasn’t real—sadly for his wallet one double wasn’t enough to fool him into genuinely feeling happy—hence the need for another. It had been so long since he’d allowed himself to do this. On occasions he’d always have one half and it would last him the whole night, and it would make him feel like he fitted in.

But this was no occasion; this was a desperate avoidance tactic, and he knew it. She was over there—the one person he simultaneously wanted to stare at the whole night and never wanted to see again—and he was painfully aware of it. He didn’t want to be aware of it.

He’d been to enough sessions with enough asshole therapists to know what he was doing, and he didn’t care—he didn’t care at all. There she’d been, suggesting to him that he was really only devoted to getting better, not feeling happy, and now he just wanted to scream, “Look at me!” until she took it back; until she took him back and rewired him as promise, fixed him as promised…

Of course, he didn’t do that. He couldn’t be bothered to do that. Instead he waved down the smiley brunette girl behind the bar and got himself the same again, and necked it instantly, forcing a smile at her afterwards when ordering another.

But the longer he sat there, the smaller he felt. It was like when he first did this, years ago, and it wasn’t washing over him the way he expected, the way he craved. Suddenly the bar stool he perched on felt to high, and his neck felt too cold, so he threw on his coat and hopped down, drinking that last whiskey and rubbing his eyes. He couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to Choji, and he couldn’t go home or else his mother would yell at him for drinking after so long of holding back.

Choji was right, no matter how much he’d deny it out loud. This was all because of her, that troublesome woman. Through nobody’s fault but his own he’d built her up as this fantasy saviour; the beautiful woman who cared about him no matter what, in a way he’d never even imagined before. And as much as he’d laugh off the ridicule from his friends about his many lonesome years, he really had never thought of anyone like that. Before this—this bizarre, impossible to pin feeling—he’d never wanted to spend time with someone just for the sake of it, and he’d never wanted to listen to someone talk about nothing like he did her.

“This is it, isn’t it?” he mumbled, so quiet he could barely hear himself. “She’s got me.”

He couldn’t leave, but he could hide from her until she left, and from Choji until the whiskey ran it’s course. And where could he hide in this pub that she was guaranteed not to go? Well, there was only one place that came to mind.

However, in his slightly drunken state as he shuffled towards his destination, the first thing Shikamaru had managed to forget that Temari still had eyes, no matter how blurry their vision was, and obviously she spotted him immediately. Stumbling to her feet, she told Gaara she was just nipping to the bathroom, and took her bag with her, slung haphazardly across her shoulder.

The second thing he forgot was that she definitely had the nerve to follow him into the men’s bathroom, and that he definitely wasn’t safe from her in there.

So, when she edged open the bathroom door, as subtly as a drunk woman can, and found him smoking next to a half opened window, she fumbled for the latch at the top of the door, locking it quickly. “You don’t drink my ass.”

Numbed, Shikamaru turned slowly, frowning in surprised. “T-Temari? What’re you—”

“You didn’t actually want to go out with me, did you?” She slurred her words into what almost sounded like three long words, and immediately Shikamaru realised he wasn’t nearly as drunk as thought he was; or as he wanted to be.

“What are you talking about?” he sighed, exasperated.

“That’s why you didn’t make any effort to impress me. You didn’t want to did you?”

Shikamaru couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness, tapping his cigarette out of the window and letting the ash fly into the wind. “Of course I wanted to,” he insisted. “I’m just useless, Tem.”

She blinked expectantly at him, shaking her head constantly. “Bullshit.”

“Temari…”

“Temari, what?” she laughed, clearly unamused as she waved her arms about dramatically. “Temari, I’m sorry I’m a miserable git. Temari, I’m sorry I lied to you. Temari, I’m sorry I made you fancy me.”

He rubbed his eyes with one hand and took a drag with the other, strategically blowing the smoke through the window. Nothing was coming to mind to respond to her—nobody had ever silenced him in the way she did, cornered him like she did, terrified him like she did.

And he almost craved it.

Trying his best to smile, he squished the butt of his cigarette on the windowsill and left it there, turning to look at her. She looked all the more beautiful tonight, but something deep within the dark depths of the subconscious he loathed so much was telling him that was due to the alcohol in both their systems, and the rosy cheeks hers had graced her with.

With all her could muster, Shikamaru leant against the wall next to the window, hands in the pocket of his coat, before he finally opened his mouth to tell the brutal truth, “Temari, I’m sorry I couldn’t bare the idea of not seeing you again.”

Yeah, right, he mused inside his mind. As if she’s going to remember that tomorrow.

Suddenly, unexpected to him, Temari dropped her bag and advanced on him, walking in jagged lines—intense zig-zags—and he could feel his knees begin the shake. “What the hell are you doing, Tem?”

“You didn’t get it, did you?” she asked, pulling one hand from his pocket and placing it on her waist.

Gulping, Shikamaru tried his best to remove it and stay calm, but every time he almost escaped her loosening grip she grabbed his hand tighter. In the end he just kept it there, and stared into her gorgeous teal eyes with the most passive desperation. “What?”

She wrapped her arms around his neck, her lips centimetres away from his. “Why I asked you to stop seeing me as a patient.”

When she bit her lip, despite all his attempts, Shikamaru felt his knees quiver more and more. “I, um,” he mumbled, voice managing to remain steady despite his body’s weakness. “I think I need to go find your brother, and—”

“No, please don’t,” begged Temari, her nose brushing against his so delicately.

There was no denying that he wanted to hold her, and he wanted to kiss her, just as she was clearly attempting. He couldn’t lie to himself and say he hadn’t had a sleepless night wondering what the hell would’ve happened if the other night this had happened instead of their sad reality. But he didn’t want it like this.

He could only just smell the floral notes of her perfume, over the alcohol that plagued the air, and while she smelt of sweet tropical juice rather than anything evenly mildly bad, he couldn’t change the truth: they were drunk, and he didn’t want it to happen this way.

“Temari,” he whispered. “Tem, are you paying attention?”

She hummed softly, her forehead flush against his now.

“We can’t do this, love.”

A soft moan fell from her lips, and the hairs on the back his neck stood on end. “Why not?” she whined.

“Because we’ll regret it,” he sighed, himself a little upset by the fact.

“I-I won’t,” insisted Temari, stubborn as ever.

“You will,” Shikamaru corrected, smiling slightly as he pushed her away. “Can I borrow your phone?”

She frowned and held onto his shoulders for support as she stumbled backwards. “Why?”

“I just want to let your brother know you’re okay.”

It took a long time of him standing with his hand out expectantly, but eventually Temari caved with a smirk and handed him her phone. While she wasn’t quite sure why she couldn’t have just done that, she didn’t question him. Probably because in that exact moment, she wasn’t quite sure about anything.

“There,” he mumbled, biting his lip as he handed it back. “I told him you’re getting some air and will probably make your own way home.”

“He won’t be fine with that.”

Buzz.

She looked down at her phone and the text message that appeared on the screen.

Gaara: Fine. See you later :)

“Okay, maybe he will,” groaned Temari, “but where the hell are we going?”

Shikamaru shrugged, hands in pockets as he watched, amused, as she tried to slot her phone into her bag. “I can take you home?”

“And risk Kankuro punching you?” she cackled laughing.

“Then that’s a no.”

“Take me home with you.”

He almost choked on his own spit. “What?”

“Please,” she whined. “Take me home with you.”

“No!”

“Why?”

“Because you’ll wake up in the night and punch me.” He could hear himself, and the melodrama he was spouting, but he still didn’t sound worried, as such.

“Then where?”

Shikamaru bit down on his lip and accepted the arm she slung around his shoulders. “I have an idea.”

~~~

“No.”

“But Choji,” he pleaded, this time taking the role of the whining one, “neither of us can go home.”

Choji shook his head. “I’m not giving you whiskey and letting you bang your therapist in the same night. I already feel like a shit friend as it is.”

“I’ve sabotaged myself here, man,” insisted Shikamaru. “And I promise we won’t do that. I just want to make sure she has somewhere to sleep, man.”

“She has a house!”

“Where she’ll talk about me and then everyone will feel even more shit than already.” He raised his eyebrows. “Man, I didn’t ask for her to follow me into the bathroom.”

Surprised, Choji’s mouth fell open. “She didn’t?”

“Yeah, she’s smashed.”

“She needs to go home.”

Shikamaru nodded, sighing.

“You’re still drunk, aren’t you?”

“Only with the words, man. Brain is doing fine.”

Choji raised his eyebrows and smiled at his friend, pulling him in for a hug, which Shikamaru begrudgingly accepted. “If you hug me back you can have the keys to my flat?”

The thinner man hugged tighter than he ever had.

“They’re in my coat out back. Use that door.”

Shikamaru smirked. He had a true friend in this guy, and he found out as much more every single day.

~~~

Temari sighed, throwing her spoon into the plastic bowl Shikamaru had given her and fell back into the couch. “I can’t believe we’re literally above a fish and chip shop and you didn’t let me buy any.”

“You shouted at the guy that you would ‘kiss in return for fish’.”

“Damn right I did,” she laughed.

Shikamaru chuckled. “And I thought I was the asshole.”

“You definitely are.”

“Tem, I just cooked you pasta at, like, twelve-a.m.”

“You’re right,” nodded Temari. “You’re a saint.”

He looked over at her and smiled, almost sadly. Choji’s flat was very small, a room with a bed and a wardrobe, and another with a small kitchen and a couch, but Temari had made herself right at home. He couldn’t help but admire how she did that. Not taking into account the fact that she was drunk out of her mind, he also couldn’t believed the way she was slowly sinking towards him, arms wrapping around him.

“You’re wonderful, Maru.”

His eyebrows raised. “Maru. New one.”

Temari looked up, hurt. “You don’t like it.”

“I don’t care,” he mumbled. “You go ahead.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, tracing patterns on his chest through his shirt. “You’re really wonderful.”

“You said.” If you couldn’t see inside his head, you’d have thought he was fed up of hearing that brilliant sentence. “You should go to sleep, Tem,” he added, changing the subject.

“I was stupid to make you feel so small. I made you feel like shit, didn’t I?”

“You didn’t,” he lied, letting her position his arms to hold her. “Just get some rest.”

“You’re wonderful, you know?”

Shikamaru smiled, the most real and fulfilling smile he’d had in a long time. “So are you, Tem. So are you…”

37 notes · View notes

merlinthoughts · 6 years ago

Text

Season 1 Episode 4 - The Poisoned Chalice

- god fucking dammit here we go again, i'm bloody done with my life and do not, at all, want to see merlin die bc i don't remember anything except that, yeah, he dies and someone has to get off their ass and save the motherfucking day and kiss him

- i realise how much i swear in these posts bc 1. when do i not? 2. i'm emotionally invested 3. i have no other excuse i just like swearing

- AAAND NIMUEHS IN CAMELOT SHE THINKS SHE'S SO SLY WITH HER HEAD THING

- id recognise her in a split second tbfh, she aint subtle

- *heterosexual tension*

- merlins skin be looking so smooth this episode, this boy be wearing lots of Dove

- he looked so excited to be in the banquet, then arthur just fucking slashes him with “not quite” and his hopes and dreams are destroyed

- “wanna see what you’ll be wearing tonight?” arthur says as he's behind the fucking changing curtains, about to get undressed and show merlin his birthday suit

- i honest to god thought that was where he was going, but no, he was just getting something from behind it

- “tonight you’ll be wearing the official ceremonial robes of the servants of camelot” IT'S A FUCKING DRESS ISN'T IT

- aw damn id have preferred a dress

- that smile shared between them was the most adorable scene

- god

- i

- fucking

- love

- their

- smiles

- sm

- best thing ive ever seen

- i mean… hunty look at that piece of glistening butter beauty

- wow ok back to the episode:

- bros being bros and giving each other a handshake to destroy the mortal enemy pack and put together a family, we stan.

- as if a servant who has only had eye sex with another servant ONCE would trust them enough to say that one of the chalices were poisoned. like??? “ur the only one i could tell” LMAO NO?

- she's a sly fucking dog tfbh

- “if he kills arthur, uthers soul will be broken and camelot will fall” at this rate uther prob wouldn't care if his son dies or not, look at him, he's already mentally broken. he has anxiety and paranoia over magic. child services where u at in the medieval ages?

- i wouldn't believe a word she said, or well, id have believed it was poisoned but id say yeah no damn way you aren't in on it if you know which one it is. bayard wouldn't tell a fucking servant.

- HE'S GONNA SNAP ISN'T HE

- MERLIN FUCKING SNAPPED

- yknow what we say here folks? U DO U MERLIN

- okay i was fine if uther made bayard drink it but like the moment uther said “mmmh… no.” and slowly turned to merlin i think my arteries just crunched together and died so

- “if it is poisoned, he’ll die” HE'S FUCKING SCARED MERLIN WILL PASS AWAY ISN'T HE?

- “it's fine” he says, then starts to fucking choke

- ah fuck he's down

- my boy is down

- FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A CHAINSAW

- ARTHUR CROUCHES NEXT TO HIM LIKE “BB NO”

- lmfao bayard looks so shocked, his face is in disbelief and confusion, he's like who tf done me bad

- arthurs carrying merlin fireman style this is what i live for folks

- did like nobody notice the flower stuck on the inside of the cup? like honestly if you take a sip you’d kinda spot it or perhaps even the person pouring the drinks would have been “is this chamomile tea? no? then what the fuckery-doo is this leaf in here for?” yknow. it's like that scene in Matilda when the angry buff lady completely missed a fucking salamander in her cup when it was the size of her bloody hand. it brings out the same mood honestly

- does gaius have an index for these books or does he just have every page memorised and know exactly what page to go bc I FUCKING NEED THAT it would make bio so much easier if i knew what page it was on instead of looking back and forth from the homework sheet to my textbook, then closing it by accident and having to find the index again for that specific page i need

- arthur wants to fucking go on a life-or-death journey to save merlin i've never been so happy

- this is honestly my favourite episode, like it may be really fucking angsty but i love it so much

- arthur betrays his dad and leaves his room even after being told not to just so he can save a servants life is literally my new moto

- NO IT WON'T LOAD MY NETFLIX IS STUCK ON 99%

- okay so while i'm waiting for my shit to load, i just discovered the new fucking tumblr rule starting dec 17 and i'm like 0.2 inches away from just spamming NSFW pics on here just for laughs

- like hunty, that won't stop people from posting elsewhere or for thinking about sex bc like??? whatchu gonna do tumblr?? get the fbi to erase it from our minds

- i think nOT thot

- watch me get flagged for just using the fucking term “NSFW”

- i'm gonna end up asterisking everything (is asterisking a word? wow it has red under it so like probably not but i just added it to my dictionary so uhh it is now)

- by asterisking i dont mean furry kin shit ew no

- i mean like N*FW, s*x, t*mblr, m*rthur

- god it took me like 20 minutes to calibrate my fucking wifi and fix the connection problem

- wow the stage for the poison increased by 75% in 30 mins, damn

- merlins like like having a conniption on his bed lmao, chanting arthurs name and sweating lot

- do we ever find out how uther gets that scar bc i'm like 100% positive arthur was a little child and swayed his fucking sword too hard just as uther rounded the corner. the sword then collided into his fucking brain and destroyed a good part of his intelligence, targeting especially his morals on how to accept people and how to be a good father

- that’s my theory

- merlin starts talking enchantments in his sleep while gwens watching, and gaius is just there like wtf merlin ur blowing ur cover “oh! gwen!! uhhh sorry. he’s just... in a latin study group in his pastime and has an oral presentation in minutes”

- omg, nimueh, stfu

- i didn't know dinosaurs existed back then, this reptile be whack

- y’know what's funny? ppl thinking dinosaurs didn’t exist. i find creationism very very very intriguing bc how fucking stupid could you be

- that sword throw was faker than my moms tits

- arthur could have done better

- k but like what if merlin’s hand wasn’t under the covers? like he was just throwing that blue ball around right in front of gwen

- can arthur like not hear her? nimuehs literally enchanting the rocks right behind his ear lobes and arthur acts nothing of it until those said rocks collapse and he gasps and suddenly he realises shes evil

- also his fucking hair in this scene looks glorious. perhaps bc it's pushed back rather than his bowl cut, but its doing things to my abdomen

- i thought for a second she was pulling off her mask to say “nimueh” and arthur was gasping bc he only recognised her after her hair was shown, just like in that scene with joker and harvey in the hospital

- OH RIGHT THE SPIDERS I LIKE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THOSE SONS OF A GUNS

- i’d be dead if those spiders came crawling up to eat me lmfao

- k so nimueh went from :) to >:D in half a second

- i'm smelling up those symbolisms, boys

- watch out pals cause here are some of them:

- merlin is the LIGHT of arthur’s life

- he LIGHTS up the party

- he gives arthur a BRIGHTER future

- he's the GUIDE for his path

- hahhahahaha

- i'm serious when i say i have a huge fear of insects (spiders count in that too, no discrimination) so i'm just putting that there, saying to yall id be fucking terrified

- gaius would be so confused, like we don't see his face here but merlins close-up sweaty concentrated frown, but he’s literally just screaming “ARTHUR!!” “FASTERRR!!” “YESS!!” “CLIMB!!!” gaius would be looking like he walked into something he wasn't supposed to. prob thinking he should just let the kid die so he doesn’t have to deal with this shit anymore

- UTHER LOCKED HIS SON AWAY I'M FUCKING QUESTIONING HIS PARENTING SKILLS

- that's grounding???? throwing ur child in prison???

- yes 999 can i have child services on his ass

- gwens so smart honestly i love her

- pretending to be a maiden for the food, god what a queen

- arthur buying it and saying “yuck you say this is food?! disgustang!”

- the fact that i misspelled disgusting but it autocorrected to disgustang (which is originally what i wanted but autocorrect shouldn’t have known) makes me consider if i should really check my dictionary…. who knows what words are on there

- they’re so smart

- and then this fucker ruins it all while eating his food, checking her out and saying yeah arthurs a prick, hyuck hyuck, realising only that wait fuck u aint the maiden

- how’d they know GWEN was the one not supposed to have delivered the food, what if it was that chick right there???

- welll….. maybe it's because gwen took her sweet time up those steps, staring as if she couldn’t blink at the guards below

- i forget what happens at the end of this episode besides the kiss, and there's like 9 minutes left my fingers may rot at this point

- wake him up! wake him up!

- OH WAIT HE DOESN'T FUCKING WAKE UP DOES HE AND EVERYONE PANICS

- YEAH OKAY I'M SEEING THAT NOW

- MERLIN STOPPED BREATHING

- LMAO GWEN IS IN TEARS

- “HE'S DEAD” SHE SAYS

- ARTHUR BB COME IN HERE TO KISS UR HUBBY ALIVE

- OH WAIT UR IN FUCKING PRISON

- WAIT UP, HE'S ALIVE AND SHE KISSES HIM AFTERWARDS????

- FUCK ME I THOUGHT FOR THE WHOLE EPISODE THE KISS HAPPENED BC HE COULDN'T WAKE UP THAT'S FUCKING WITH ME I DIDN'T KNOW

- i keep forgetting to switch up the cap locks, sorry if it seems im screaming im legit using my inside voice for most of the time just emphasizing my words a little more

- goddamn, everytime they say mercia i just think of “murica”, like those americans on the 7th of july or whatever date the “we love our country” day is, chanting it as they throw around beers and fireworks as people gather round in jerseys or crop tops

- it's not that hard to spot the european on here

- the most celebrated holiday here which contains a lot of beers and big pub gatherings (besides every fucking night honestly) is either new years, lowkey stereotypically correct saint patricks, and ig easter monday but that's more for the kiddos

- i mean ofc christmas and all that shit but im not the most devoted christian, i just like presents and small gatherings among good friends

- wow okay it wasn't the 7th of july

- i mean at first i looked up “USA day” (i couldn’t remember the name) and it popped up today’s date, and i was like no thats not it at all. dec?? its in like july i think. and i was close! it was july 4th.

- uther damn knows it's nimueh!!!

- i mean, he just overheard morgana and arthur talk about it, and initiated himself into a convo about it once morgana left, as his sneaky ass just slithered up like “hey man, u know that woman? yeah uhh, what she say? anything about me? no? k i know who it is tho”

- i thought he was going to apologize or like explain to arthur what's the sitch, but he just waits for five whole seconds before saying. “those who practice magic know only evil. they despise and seek to destroy goodness wherever they find it.”

- arthur, confused: sounds as if you know her

- uther, walking away: i do

- arthur:

- wow k lots of fucking quotes here cause it's the merthur reunion

- get ready babs

- arthur: still alive then?

- merlin: oh yes, just about… i understand i have you to thank for that

- arthur, leaning on the chair merlin is sitting in, stifling a smile: ah it's nothing, a half-decent servant is hard to come by. i was only dropping by to make sure you’re alright… i.... expect you to be back to work tomorrow

- merlin, watching arthur as he slightly walks away having embarrassed himself: arthur... thank you

- arthur, slowly: you too

- they stare for like 5 whole seconds

- arthur, uncomfortable: well… get some rest

- there we go folks: my eulogy.

- hope someone reads it at my funeral

#merlin #merlin bbc #merthur #s1 #s1ep4

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jolie-auletta · 6 years ago

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Lose Yourself, To Find Yourself.

So, I had the honour of being part of an international women’s day seminar yesterday. Hosted by the beautiful Gaia Rose, at her annual awakened woman gathering.

Part of a 7 woman strong team, I made my first public speech.

Stood in front of 50 women I didn’t know, I spoke about something that had impacted my life. How I fully and completely lost myself, but found my true self by doing so.

So here goes;

When I first found out I was going to be speaking today, I was an anxiety ridden mess, I was almost automatically filled with all kinds of insecurities. What if my story isnt as exciting as everybody elses. What if people judge me. What if I dont even inspire any one?

And as normal as that thought process is for someone who has never spoken in public before, it isnt actually very logical.

While I was writing this speech I sent it over to my friend to read over and I told her I felt somewhat guilty for mentioning someone from my past.

I am literally about to say things to a room of strangers that I've never even said a loud before!

But that's when it hit me, I want to be part of teaching our daughters and the next generation of women to not be afraid of simply speaking the truth!

I was always an intelligent kid. I taught myself how to speak other languages, play musical instruments, top of the class.. so I should have been a grade A student, gone to uni and I could have been living 'the dream' right now.

I know that the dream is just perspective. The dream is what you make it. But what I’m trying to say, is I could have had a smooth and easy life, if things had been different.

I don't dwell on that though, devine alignment is something I speak of often. All that is meant to be, will be.

My secondary school days were awful. I started later than I should have, so perhaps that had something to do with it? I don't know. But I felt like I was just always having to try harder than normal, just to make friends. Constantly seeking approval from my peers, constantly trying to be ‘one of them’.

What I've realised it comes down to, is I've just never had good social skills. Which no body believes when I tell them because I come across so confident and eccentric!

But honestly I'm what I like to call a social chameleon. I can blend in with any group, but it's all down to analysis of behaviours and mimicking. In a sense it's just acting.

And that's what school was like for me, I shuffled between groups, making friends then falling out with them over things I just didn't understand at the time

It's like I just didn't know how to integrate with people , or be myself.

So along with feeling like I has no real friends.. I was actually bullied too. The entire time.

I remember having to leave school early just to avoid confrontation. The worst part is, I didn't tell a soul I until I was 25? So a whole 10 years went by without even telling my own mum that I was bullied!

That's something I really regret now. Because I believe it all stems from there and if I had reached out to someone, it could have all been different.

Anyway, the last year of school rolled round and I'm obviously so happy to leave!

But then this fear kicked in. What if I get bullied again!?

So I had an ingenius plan. (in hindsight this was not an ingenius plan at all)

I firstly completely went off radar. I chose a college in a new area, where no one would know me and heres the ingenius part. I made a new personality. Who is the most unbullyable person, I thought? All my previous bullies where quite 'rude girl' personas, so thats when i pieced everything together and decided who I’d be.

And it worked. No one picked on me and I was actually popular.

The mask was working, but that’s all it was, a mask.

I was still constantly seeking approval from people, always trying to be what I thought other people thought was cool, not what I actually thought was cool.

About 8 years ago, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and BPD. I was on medication but I took myself off of them when I fell pregnant. I did see a psychiatrist for a number of years, but I'm due to have another evaluation because I tick a lot of the boxes for autism!

This was literally a lightbulb moment! When I found out I could be on the spectrum- everything in my life made sense. And it turns out its really common for women with autism to go under the radar, or be diagnosed with depression, anxiety or bipolar/bpd like I was, and that's it, autism isn't even considered.

I am quite obviously high functioning, but every day scenarios like dealing with my emotions, sensory predicaments and simple socialising are a daily battle for me.

I have done A LOT of self healing and I have made a lot of progress, but I have come to the conclusion that whether I'm one, none, or all of the above , I just don't fit in a box and that's okay!!

I found my release in music, it was a coping mechanism, a world to get lost in.

But this leads me onto the second part of my story. During my music years, I met someone who would change my life.

A narccissist.

As i said before i do believe everything happens in devine order and its all lead me to where I am today. And I don't even hold a grudge towards this person. What's done is done.

And we were actually friends for a long while before getting together, we were best friends in fact, I can't even fault the friendship.

But the relationship was TOXIC!

The mental abuse was off the scale. And he also introduced me to cocaine. Now, in the beginning, it was all fun and games. Parties, recreational and I had no responsibilities in life so I thought why the hell not.

But it became more than that. He got me involved in not only taking it, but selling it too.

The entire relationship became based on that.

And ultimately it was detrimental to my soul.

I didnt even recognise myself. My family didn’t recognise me. It was like I had all these layers of personality I had invented to hide behind, but I couldn’t even remember who I was underneath it all!

I became more and more involved in this crazy lifestyle, so much so I ended up in prison because of it.

Honestly I look back and just think, how could I be so STUPID. It took me so long to admit that I was in a controlling and abusive relationship.

This guy had a hold on me. The kind of hold only a narccissist can have.

This wasnt some teenage crush where i 'loved' him so much and I'd do anything for him. I was a crushed soul, bowing down to a dictator.

I did what he wanted, when he wanted. I didn’t even exist. It was all about him.

My mental state was in pieces.

Im honestly so embarrased to tell people Ive been to jail. I mean even saying the word jail. It makes me cringe. I rarely tell people. There are family members that don’t even know!

But that prison freed me. From the jail that was my own body.

Its almost heartbreaking to think of myself all alone in a cell, no friends or family , but I had time to be on my own. With ME! The actual me, not the me I had been playing the part of for the last god knows how many years.

I honestly remember the day the penny dropped, it was when I put my nose ring back in. It sounds so crazy, but when I put it back in, all the pieces of me started to sort of fall into place too. I wore the clothes I wanted. I wore my hair how I wanted and I was starting to love being me again.

The mask was off! I existed again! And that was a beautiful feeling!

I can’t believe I’d kept up this charade for so many years! I should have been an actress, seriously 😂

So fast forward to today, I have a daughter, My Isabella Amethyst. I honestly love her more than I ever thought was even possible and she has played a major role in me becoming the person I am today, because she deserves me at my best and no less.

Another point to make is… As some one who was too foreign for the white folk; yet too white to be black… my whole life I had never fit in to a ‘group’.

I started researching my ancestral heritage and had a deep spiritual connection with the Italian and Spanish parts of my DNA. I even discovered I had Amerindian and oceanic DNA. Which was amazing and even more soul grabbing for me, it gave me a sense of belonging.

A lot of people say wow jode, you've changed so much!

But i am now, who I actually was before I was pressured in to believing I wasn't good enough as myself! Before I invented a new me, just to fit in with everyone else!

So along with becoming a parent, Ive managed to start my own holistic business too!

I do everything I love now, everything that makes my soul happy. I say yes to my intuition and say no to anything that doesn't serve me. We as women have to learn put ourselves first! We have to learn to trust ourselves, love ourselves and actually learn to be a bit selfish!

Life has given me some lemons, as they say. My world was incredibly sour at times and I have found my self in the darkest of corners, alone. But as clische as it is, after the darkness comes light.

I can wholeheartedly say that although I may not be 'living the dream' I could have been, if I had chosen all the 'right' paths in life, I am infact HAPPY. My soul is content and I am ME.

No matter what any of us have been through in life, we not only grow through it, we can flurish beyond it. These awful things happen to us, but they do not define us.

Sometimes we just have to lose ourselves, to find ourselves.

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soldier-zer0 · 7 years ago

Text

Have Heart (Cinematic Plan)

I found this in my old onedrive files, enjoy Alistaire’s cinematic plan :)

Beep beep… Beep beep… Beep beep…

“Alistaire are you even listening to me?” His mother was looking at him expectantly, but that heart monitor was driving him nuts. Life support, he knew he would end up here eventually but he had never expected it this early.

“Alistaire!” His fathers attempt at get his attention, shouting always with the shouting. It only earned a flinch and tears from Ali’s miss matched eyes.

He was dying, and all that effort to try and stop it. The cybernetic heart of all things lay incomplete on his desk at home. Fingers were gently pulling his face to look at his mother, he was scared and he felt alone. He wished he had done more with the time he had, he then pulled his head away and his parents just kept quiet though quickly after a nurse came in to tell them visitation hours were closing. “We’ll come back tomorrow lad.” Though he didn’t answer as they left.

“Alistaire, it isn’t their fault you can’t ignore them forever.” His nurse, Sasha watched him as she spoke.

"They aren't doing anything, t-they’re accepting that I'm going to die! I don't want to die and they aren’t helping!” He sniffled and allowed his tears to fall, his breath catching in his throat. Sasha walked over and gently pet his hair, she was very motherly towards him since he first arrived at the hospital.

"I know you don't...” She helped him sit up and she turned on the TV knowing he liked to watch it in the afternoons. “How about, I refill your drip and we watch some of that show you love?” Sasha also picked up a tissue to dry his tears, she then smiled at him.

“T-that sounds good.” The drugs kept the pain away but he knew sometimes they did make him act strange, they made him feel distant at times like now. Watching TV did make him feel better.

(Paragraphs when there is a time jump.) After some TV and his food he was left alone watching out the window as the rain pattered against the glass. The hospital was something familiar to him his mother had told him he had been born with a weak heart and often needed check ups, people who are born with holes in their heart usually heal up but Ali’s was one of those who’s hole just got bigger.

He had often made jokes about it being because he was missing his soul mate but the humour had only been a façade. His fingers gripped the duvet tightly, he had many regrets one of them being he had never confessed his love to his best friend. He had been too scared of telling someone he was gay, his parents didn’t even know. Everything seemed in such a blur before he knew it he was in a hospital bed waiting for his very last breath to come. He let out some sobs and found he fell asleep morning had already come and Sasha was waking him up for his breakfast. Ugh, the food here was terrible he would kill for a greasy fry up back at home in his warm comfy armchair.

"Sasha, do my parents have to come today?” He watched her and she looked at him.

“Maybe you should listen to them Alistaire.”

“I know what they want to talk about. They want me to help make arrangements for my own funeral, I don’t care it’s not as if I’ll be here to see it.” He wheezed and coughed. Rasp, air.

“Alistaire? Are you alright?” She came to his side and looked at the monitor frowning she took the plate away almost throwing it down on the bedside table, using the remote to make the bed go flat.

His chest felt like it was on fire, and his eyes were wide. This was it wasn’t it? This was the end. It felt so hard to breath and so many voices. “Get me oxygen! Now!” His whole body hurt so much, his eyes felt so heavy. Though he could hear Sasha amongst what he guessed was other doctors and nurses.

“Alistaire, stay awake come on. You can do it lad!” She could feel her hand petting his forehead. His eyes closed and it felt like a moment to him of silence and nothing. But when he reopened his eyes a little it was clear sometime had passed he could hear his mothers crying but he felt so weak. His father Eoin was the first to notice he was watching them.

“Bethany, he’s awake. Look.” His mother looked up.

“Alistaire! Baby.” She pet his head looking distraught, he tried to speak but she stopped him “You focus on breathing alright?” He nodded a little, he couldn’t remember what had happened his breathing sounded terrible his body was giving up on him he knew that. Noticing the blue on the table at the end of the bed he realised they had brought his blueprints, but why? He wasn’t able to complete them… His gaze returned to his parents who realised what he was looking at.

“We were hoping we could help you finish them.” Bethany’s eyes were hopeful, she knew her son was strong but maybe this was too much now. “But if not baby, if you don’t feel strong enough you can go. Know that we’ll always love you.” His eyes watered, maybe there was still hope for him if they were willing to help. Though his father left, his mother stayed and helped him with the blueprints. Alistaire would point and try to use as little speech as possible since the breath intake without the mask was horrible. Together they figured out why it wasn’t working mathematically…

Wait, had he fallen asleep? Well his mother was gone, but someone else was here his eyes looked over to the side since it hurt to move his head. Though he spotted his best friend Jaimie the only one to stick with him through all of this, a small smile appeared on his face. Though Ali himself stayed quiet Jaimie's voice felt like silk to his ears "Hey... Sorry I couldn't get here earlier they were only letting family in."

"S'alright." The oxygen mask was making Ali's voice sound strange but it was helping his breathing. Why did he have to have a crush on him? It was so hard to look at him and know it was never going to happen. Thump thump. He watched as the other leaned closer to him, both of their eyes were watering.

"You be ok if I lift this?" Alistaire nodded a little, his breathing becoming a little uneven when the mask was taken away from his mouth but as quickly replaced with a pair of lips soft and gentle like he had always dreamed. Tears fell down his face as he closed his eyes and lifted a gentle hand onto Jaimie's chest, he didn't care if this was a pity kiss. It felt so good and he didn't want it to stop. Rasp. Instead of Jaimie pulling the mask back onto Ali's face he breathed for him through the kisses.

Though it had to end somewhere and their lips parted. Ali pulled his mask back on and breathed in deeply. “Such a nerd Baird. Look at you, blushing because you just got kissed.” Jaimie ran his hand through the others hair “I’m sorry we never got to be… I’m so sorry.” Ali didn’t reply not that he couldn’t but because he didn’t want to, if he did it’d mean the end it’d mean he was giving up and he didn’t want to give up. “Hey, if you want to go now it’ll be alright… I know what your parents are like. I’ll be here, I promise.”

Ali looked over to the window maybe it was his time to go, he felt so tired and he wasn’t sure how much more he could be bothered to fight. He would then allow his eyes to slide shut… thump thump… thump thump… thump thump…

“Mister Baird… I am Angela Ziegler. You already kn….” Ugh why was his hearing dipping in and out? His eyes felt so heavy he couldn’t open them. “…You are a smart young man, I am here to help you. Could you try and squeeze my hand?” He felt like he had almost forgot how to move it was so hard to even make his fingers twitch, but he managed it feeling skin against his own. “Very good, you are a strong young man.” Was he? In what way was he strong? His heart had given out once and he had already accepted he was going to die. He wasn't strong in anyway at all.

"We are going to run you through surgery, we have made your heart and now we are going to put it in you." Wait, had they completed his design? Ali felt confused but also hopeful and how was he still alive? Was he on life support? Oh god, the pain. It hurt so much. He could hear himself crying and screaming, what was gong on?!

"Alistaire! Calm down!"

"Doctor Angela we have to put him back to sleep! His heart cannot take the strain!"

"Ja! Do it! I will take care of you Alistaire, be strong." Everything went quiet again, why was this happening. He was so scared... so alone. Lost in the darkness of his own mind, he wanted to go but they weren't letting him he just wanted to pass over happy not forced to be here for the rest of his life in this unfair world.

The next thing he knew though was that he was taking a needy breath like his lungs had been starved of oxygen for years. He wasn't sure if it was a good feeling because it felt so nice to take a breath or a bad thing that he had been starved of it. Ali then looked around the room it was pure and clean just like the hospital, he hated it. The door then opened and a woman with blonde hair and blue eyes walked in along with another doctor he guessed.

"Alistaire, good morning. It is good to see you are awake." He raised a brow at her feeling confused about the whole situation. "I hope you are feeling well this morning." She walked over to the windows pulling the blinds up and lighting up the room, which caused Ali to cover his eyes giving them time to adjust.

"W-Where am I?"

"You are in the medical ward of an Overwatch base. I am Doctor Angela Ziegler and I helped complete your designs for your cybernetic heart. Do you have any unusual pains Alistaire?"

"No, not that I can feel. So... How did you do it?" There was always that risk when switching the hearts that the patient might slip away.

"Well. After we switched the hearts we revived you, not a simple task might I just say but you are quite the fighter." She smiled at him and moved to the side of his bed to change the IV drip. "We also have something we'd like to discuss with you. Seeing as you are a somewhat expert in cybernetics we'd like you to join our team here."

"Wait, what. Really?" He looked surprised at the doctor and then at the other man who was here. Were they really recruiting him?! This was amazing! "Yes. Of course." Ali tried to remain professional despite how excited he was to work with the worlds best medical team.

"Good, when you are better we shall get you settled in and you can meet everyone. I shall leave you to rest then, shall I?" She nodded and walked out with the other doctor leaving Alistaire alone.

Well this was a turn of events, wasn't it?

#spring water from the highlands; headcanon #a tale set in stone; story

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emperor-lover · 7 years ago

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Playlist :: #1) The Aftermath

- a “listen while you read” oneshot series -

Title: The Aftermath - Fromm feat. NU’EST Minhyun With: Hwang Minhyun Warnings: Angst i guess? and reference to mature content

Trying out a new writing style for this series, hope you enjoy, also warning this is kinda angsty. The first paragraph was inspired by something I read on tumblr yearsss ago but i dont remember the source :( also ive been feeling a bit moody like this recently lmao must be the spring. ENJOY

A friend once told you that the worst way relationships end isn’t when it becomes a bunch of one-sided feelings or from a bad break-up. In fact, it’s not even one of the pair dying. The worst way to end a relationship is when two people that you can’t see without the other, two people that you know were meant for each other, just...grow apart. Two people who were so very, very close just stop talking and become strangers.

You rarely get a day where you have the chance to sit down and recover from the strenuous life of being an idol. 25 years old and already plagued with health issues from years of lack of sleep, stress and dancing pains, it’s not surprising that you’ve become a homebody. You’ve always preferred staying at home, having a quiet night watching a drama or a movie, instead of loud parties fuelled with alcohol and crowds of people you don’t know.

Switching on the TV, you settle down on your couch, wrapping yourself up in your blanket and sipping on your cup of tea. Flipping through the on-screen tv guide, a heading catches your eye and you gingerly press the button, redirecting you to the channel.

-Mnet [Star Zoom In!] Hwang Minhyun-

The first meeting, you were both 15, young and completely full of hopes and dreams. It had been a typical first meeting. Same high school, same group of friends, two idol trainees about to embark into the entertainment industry.

“Y/N, when I debut and win my first number one on a music show, I’m going to ask you to be my girlfriend, and you have to say yes okay?”

“Yah, Hwang Minhyun? What are you talking about??”

“I’m serious okay!!” Minhyun had laughed as he swung his bag over his shoulder, “Catch you later!”

Minhyun had debuted much earlier than you. 2012 and only 16 years old, him and the rest of NU’EST were some of the youngest boys on the stage. You felt a sense of pride seeing your best friend up on stage, performing brilliantly. You couldn’t wait for the day that you might be able to share the stage with him.

Debuting 15th place on Melon with Face, you were amazed by the feedback they were receiving. You were certain that they were beginning to make their mark on the kpop world.

“Y/N! I just met Yoo Jaesuk sunbaenim and he paid for our meal!!”

“You’re kidding, no way!”

“I have a photo to prove it!”

“I’m so jealous! You’re doing so well Minhyun-ah, I’m proud of you!”

“Hang in there Y/N, when you debut, I’m sure you’ll be able to meet him too!”

“I hope so!!”

How naïve it was to think everything would be sunshine and rainbows as soon as one debuted. The hardship only began from here, but both of you hadn’t even realised yet. You recognised this boy shown on the screen, 18 years old, dancing in a fluorescent backless green top, smiling brightly into the camera.

“Wow, the styling for Sleep Talking is no joke.”

“Ah it’s so embarrassing...”

“The song is catchy though! Your live vocals have definitely improved!!”

“Do you reckon we’ll be able to get our first win with it though?”

“I hope you do!”

It must’ve been hard for him. Being so young, having so many dreams that weren’t being fulfilled. You on the other hand had just begun. Preparations for your own debut were nearly finalised and you were excited to share the news with him. Teaser images were being released tomorrow and you were the first one up. The leader.

“Wow Y/N! You’re the leader! That’s amazing! Jonghyunnie says to share some of your tips with him!” Minhyun had laughed his beautiful deep laughter.

“Nooo, tell Jonghyun that he’s the one that needs to give me advice, I don’t think I’m ready for this...”

“Y/N...I believe in you. I believe you can do it.”

You look at your phone and sighed. Tomorrow would be your group’s 7 year anniversary. You had survived the 7 year curse, and you were happy. You felt blessed that the group you’re in is so friendly and talented, and absolutely adored by everyone. You were in a “miracle” group they called it. Multitalented entertainers and soloists, who had pierced not only the music industry but also the acting, variety and global ones by storm. They were some of your best friends, as well as your family. People you couldn’t imagine your life without.

“Congrats on your first win Y/N!! Here’s to many more to come!” Minhyun raised his glass of grapefruit ade up into the air, and you did the same with yours.

Clinking your glasses together, you felt your heart ache. Your heart was aching because Minhyun was well and truly, 100% happy for you. Not a single sign of envy or jealousy, just so much pride and joy for all your achievements.

And 7 years ago, you also could never imagine your life without Minhyun. He was your closest, your dearest, your best friend. Someone you’d known since the beginning of high school, someone who’d you seen blossom through the awkward teen stage (and vice versa), and someone who you shared a bond that was different to anyone you’d ever met.

“Yah, Hwang Minhyun, stop taking selfies on my phone!”

He grinned, pouting his lips at you, “Only if you give me a kiss first!”

“One day I’ll really kiss you and you’ll be sorry!”

You tried to snatch your phone from him, but he held it up out of your reach. He had ignored your protests and continued to snap photos, giggling to himself at all the dumb filters he had been using. Finally something in you snapped, and you reached up grabbing his face with both hands and planting your lips on his.

His hand holding your phone slipped down to grasp the side of your waist, and the other entwined itself in your hair, as he kissed you back. You hadn’t been expecting this response, both of you always joked about physical affection, and loving each other, but you had never realised how much both of you had actually wanted it. His arms tightened round you, as he deepened the kiss, and your own hands reached out to clutch his shirt.

He was way too good at this. And you were enjoying it way too much. ‘Never been in a relationship my arse,’ you thought to yourself as his tongue traced your lower lip before gently slipping into your mouth. Suddenly, remembering your original intent, your hand reached down to pluck your phone out of his hand, and you begrudgingly forced yourself to break away and stepped back triumphantly.

“Got it!”

Blushing and looking absolutely ravished, the two of you stared at each other for a long moment before breaking out into breathless laughter.

You were amazed at how easy it was to keep your relationship hidden. The two of you were always overly careful, always thinking of how volatile your careers were, especially if a scandal were to break out. You’d hang out in each others dorms, and sometimes even risked going to the movie theatre at the coex or a small cafe together. At the time, however, it was more likely that you’d be the one recognised. Minhyun didn’t even need to wear a mask and he could walk round without being mobbed or noticed. That didn’t matter to the two of you though. As long as you could spend time together, you were both happy.

The TV screen darkened and you glanced up in time to see a clip of one of the comeback stages for Goodbye Bye.

“Y/N? The company just told me that we’re going to Japan next week”

You nodded, you had expected this, NU’EST always had lots of activities in Japan so you were used to Minhyun flying back and forth. This didn’t mean you liked not having him near you though.

Hugging him closer to you, you buried your face into his neck, “Will you be back to celebrate your birthday?”

His hand that was patting your hair gently, stilled.

“I’m going to be gone for 10 months.” he whispered softly

This time, you couldn’t stop yourself from tensing up. 10 months without Minhyun by your side. Almost a whole year in another country. You chided yourself as you fought back tears. You of all people should know that your job as an idol meant you’d have to work round each others’ hectic schedules. Taking a deep breath, you stepped back and nodded up at him, eyes shining.

“I understand, steal all of Japan’s heart, like you stole mine, Hwang Minhyun!”

And he kissed you. Over and over and over again, his soft lips pressed sweetly onto yours, your cheek, your neck. You could feel the gentle caress of his fingers on your skin, fingers fumbling over each others clothes, a wordless but passionate exchange full of love and emotion. As he pulled you over onto his bed, you lost yourself in the feelings, drowning in the sensations, trying to remember everything that was Hwang Minhyun.

The TV was a blur as it whizzed through 2016. Overcome and Love Paint had been two of your favourite albums. You knew that the boys were proud of their albums they were producing, but for some reason, the public never seem to appreciate them. Or even know they existed.

Something about Minhyun had changed when he came back from Japan. He was even more driven, even more determined than before. Trying his hand in writing and composing songs. You had listened to them in awe, absolutely amazed by the musicianship that he possessed. Plus you never realised how beautiful he would look with blond hair until you had witnessed it yourself.

“Y/N! We’re nominated for our first win!! Do you remember 5 years ago when I said that when I get my first win, I’ll ask you to be my girlfriend?? I’ll finally be able to do that!”

You grumbled jokingly, “So what have we been for the past 3 years?”

You’ll never forget the pure elation on his face. His eyes sparkling with so much hope.

So it’s understandable that Minhyun was upset when even after three nominations in a row, they still came short as second best.

Even you had difficulty trying to cheer him up.

“9th Place...Pledis...Hwang Minhyun!”

You laughed bitterly at the T.V. screen. The editors at Mnet must’ve had a blast putting this video together. Minhyun’s life is like their perfect fairy tale. It’s one that’s easily exploitable to get them their views. Not many people can claim this kind of reversal in their life.

“Vote for me, Pledis Entertainment trainee Hwang Minhyun.”

He hadn’t told you. None of the boys had.

You had found out through countless news articles crying foul that a 5 year idol group would be appearing on Produce 101 season 2. You felt a bitter taste in your mouth though. No one cared about them before but suddenly everyone thinks they’re oh so famous and guaranteed to steal spots in the final line up.

You didn’t blame the boys for not telling you though, how could you? It’s a drastic step to strip your status as an idol and go and compete against trainees. It would’ve been a battle of pride, a battle against the world and against themselves. What’s worse is that even as 5 year idols, you can’t even guarantee if they’ll do well, because voting has been so unpredictable.

They’re still young, so talented and deserving of praise.

Videos of Minhyun in Wanna One were now playing. The legendary nation’s boy group that had swept the charts immediately upon debut. Emperor Hwang and his honey voice reaching your ears. You ran your gaze up over his sharp jawline, the apples of his cheeks, and finally, to his beautiful eye smile. It should all be familiar to you, you realised, remembering back to the times when you had traced your fingers down the length of his face, trying to engrave all his features into your memory.

You blinked at the screen. This Minhyun...was a stranger to you.

When was the last time you had even talked to Minhyun?

A day before the Produce 101 finale concert, you found yourself at the NU’EST dorm.

“Minhyun-ah, congratulations of getting into the top 11.”

He didn’t say anything but just gazed at you, his eyes taking in all your features. Things were different now, you had seen his tears in the finale. It had been a rollercoaster of emotions and Minhyun was still trying to take it all in. His popularity was still skyrocketing and his career would only further expand from here. You both knew it.

“I get my phone taken off me starting from tomorrow. This will be the last day in a while that I’ll be able to contact you.” He reached for your hand and kissed your palm gently.

“I love you.”

Once upon time, you were able to close your eyes and mentally visualise the details of Minhyun’s face without a thought. Now, everything was a blur of skin and a smudge of black.

You had tried to keep yourself updated with Minhyun’s activities in Wanna One, but it was hard on top of your own busy life. However, you had caught the clip of when he’d talked about how he’d never been in a relationship before on Happy Together, and you felt a unpleasant pang in your chest.

He still hadn’t gotten his phone back after his first win, so you couldn’t even congratulate him properly. You found it funny that it had come to the point where you were much closer with NU’EST-W than Minhyun himself. That’s actually how you found out. That when Minhyun had eventually gotten his phone back, he hadn’t even contacted you.

You felt ashamed that you even thought for a second that he would remember that promise about asking you to be his girlfriend after his first win. What did you expect though, almost over half a year without seeing each other, without speaking to each other, of course he wouldn’t contact you. At least when he was in Japan, you could still message each other almost every day.

Even after Wanna One had disbanded, and NU’EST were back as 5, you contacted JR, Aron, Dongho and Minki much more than Minhyun. The two of you just never seemed to have a chance to talk. Hell, you seemed to be closer friends with Ong Seongwoo and Kang Daniel than you were to Minhyun.

For a single, brief moment, you thought you could remember his infectious laughter, whispering touches, and butterfly kisses but the moment passed and there was nothing. Not even a hint.

You stared back at his smiling face.

Now he was nothing but a stranger.

The clip on TV draws to a close, reminding viewers to not miss Minhyun’s debut stage tomorrow.

You find it ironic that you’re going to be the one interviewing him about his solo debut tomorrow night. Out of all the shows he’s going on, yours is the first. And of all days of the year he’s debuting, it’s on the same date as your own group’s anniversary.

It’s almost as if fate is reaching out to give you both another chance.

Will you take it though? One more sleep and you’ll find out soon enough.

End.

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