#like Thats how hard i hide from myself! i didny even fucking realise!
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Imalways so torn up between letting myself feel negative emotions besides anger cause I never do and being like wellllllll... it IS nearly 9 so really none of these are Real emotions so what's the point?
#gamer txt.#i think im hiding from myself again#what with my endless optimism and hope#i dont think i really beat my depression i think i mighta just covered it up really well by accident#and that the winter is not fucking helping me out here#even if i do actually have my shit sorted out which i dont but if i did then i feel like i shouldn't#im way too put together for someone with my problems at this fucking age#this is the age where i can actually like. suck ass and not being Super judged for it this is the age for making mistakes for being fucking#stupid and im wasting trying to pretend ive got everything on lock#i feel like im rushing everything#yous know i only like realised ive been masking my whole life like. this year#like Thats how hard i hide from myself! i didny even fucking realise!#but like whay the hell can i do about it now i dont ever have the opportunity to be myself#its not like i have a moment before every action where i can decide what to do its already happened and i didny have the chance to think#is 1 step forward 2 steps back meant to be like motivational in any way cause i think that might be what i go for#honestly i need to let myself make mistakes and do stupid shit and remind myself im not infallible#and the worst part about all this is that im trying so hard to not go none of these are real feelings its 9pm and winter#and knowing theres a decent chance thats actually the case#i dont want it to be the case#i dont want to the perfect quiet endless sympathy for others no attention no care required kid anymore#i want to be fucking messy because i feel like a fucking mess and everyone knows im a fucking mess and they just pretend im not#and even if all these feelings are just for right now and arent really ''real'' i know damn well ill still be upset about it in the morning#if no one reads this#because i need the attention im so fucking desperate for the attention i need someone fucking anyone to see the real me#becauese no one does! not even me most of the time!#iiii might do something stupid tonight? if i do just know please that it wasnt rash or impulsive and that ive been wanting to do it for ages#i just need to be a stupid kid for once in my fucking life
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