#and ill believe that forever and ever
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yknow im really tired of comparing myself to everything recently. people are happier w/o social media, people have more weight on them than me, people have better art styles, people are "more autistic" which isnt even a thing to compare, people are more /me/ than /me myself/ and i literally wonder "why do i care this much? people say theyre so happy but im happy the way i am? should i be happy like them?" and then i try and im like "i cant do this like them" and that makes me sad and i cant change some things about myself so it really just makes me wonder why i even try to change. i dont have to. im literally the best me /right now/ and the more i live the better me ill be. so like. why compare? im not trying to be not me anymore
#crazed ramblings of dandel#i had a whole mental thng yesterday about why people like me#and today i found a video that was like “you should stop being on social media it rots ur brain :D”#and like. ITS NOT LIKE I DONT AGREE#but. what else can i do rn#im in a concrete jungle i just turned 18 im gonna go to college where im gonna be away from social media doing work anyway#i wanna enjoy /me/ right now im sick of hearing the negatives all the time#i wanna live dawg. i wanna live the happiness that was dulled when i was a childer child#and ill believe that forever and ever#that the world will get better. i dont care the world will become better and ill live to see that happen. and ill live with my loved ones#negativitey to living llife can go FUCK ITSELF
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Will I ever be able to convince my brain that I’ve done enough? That I’ve done what I reasonably could?
Probably not. Not fully. Never fully.
Nothing can be done perfectly—not self-belief, self-trust, or calming anxiety.
But I can do is this—
I am okay. I have done enough. If I haven’t, I am capable of finishing the rest another day. I do believe in and trust myself. I’ve earned it. The proof is in all of the times before where I have succeeded. And there have been many.
#now have fun babe#eat a good dinner#read a good book#relax#mental health#positivity#mental illness#anxiety#self love#I do believe in and trust myself more than ever before#I do manage anxiety better than ever before#but fuck it’s annoying that I’ll deal with this forever#even if it’s less frequent and quieter
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people will think im ordinary until they say one (1) thing about tmnt and all of a sudden im explaining the entire lore starting from the 1990’s movie & why donatello is the best turtle i fear… T^T
tag limit fights me… i must yap… please listen… SOB </3
#tmnt yap in the taggies !!#would you believe me if i said my cat is named after donnie… teehee !! ^_^#i have been a tmnt lover since i was the ripe age of 6 years old SOBSOB#i used to write bf headcanons on wattpad way long ago… thats where my love for writing started i fear…#i probably have more tmnt merch than i do anime merch which is soso crazy to think about PHEW !!!#notebooks cups plushies legos shirts pajamas stickers tins action figs keychains name something and i have it… is that weird… SOB#im not joking when i say i know the entire lore and could explain everything from start to finish… FOR EACH AND EVERY REBOOT EVER…. wowza…#other than rottmnt because i’ve never been a fan of that reboot sigh…#the only reason donatello hamato isnt on my blorbie list is because i do not want to seem out of touch… he used to be there though !! :3#also i love raph too sigh#i fear donnie was my start to my love for nerdy men… raph was for the mean ones… cough cough akaashi and bakugo#tall lanky men… yeah hes a turtle… i know… let me speak… pls… i beg… T^T#tmnt 2012 will always be my star my light my beloved#i can recite every single episode </3 ALSO THE 2014 & 2017 MOVIES DONT GET ME STARTED i have them on dvd :3#i also have the 1990’s movies on dvd teehee theyre sososososoo good T^T my comfort franchise forever and always#i may always speak of anime but just know tmnt will always be the start of it all and my most beloved <3 its everything to me#also i was and still am an avid tmnt 2012 april oneil hater someone get her out of there i loathe her >:/#was never a supa big fan of leo im very sorry… idk who im sorry to… where are my tmnt fans… am i alone in this world… hello… tmnt fans…#omigosh im back after looking at my old wattpad story IM GIGGLING why was the writing kinda good… it was first person though sigh… goodness#i should create my own tmnt yap tag i fear… i will never shut up about it EVER SOBSOBSOB !! i even had a tmnt party when i was younger </3#donnie ( & mikey ) are so misunderstood UGH i could yap about the lore all day. donnie deserved more recognition he was always doing so muc#FOR ALL of his brothers and they never appreciated it… ill cry right now. donnie you will always be famous to me. april doesnt deserve you.#raph and his temper are so misunderstood too like please. always making him the bad guy HE JUST WANTS TO BE A GOOD BROTHER HES JUST AWKWARD#remembering when i had a crush on a guy names joseph in first grade and he liked tmnt too… joseph just know we were soulmates… i promise </#i used to go up to the tv and kiss the screen when donnie showed up. i was like 6 years old tho its okay… still sleep with my stuffie tho.#thank you to my yaya for buying me that when i had the flu hes still in perfect condition SOB donatello i love you so much UGH im crying#‘thats a mutant turtle ew !!’ HE IS VERY BEAUTIFUL AND LOVEABLE TO ME. YOU WOULDNT UNDERSTAND EVERYPONY </3 nia reference woah hi nia :3#whos in favor of tmnt. raise your hands up high so i can see them. im giggling. tmnt lovers rise we sha’ll prosper… WE RIDE AT DAWN 🦅🦅🦅#is this like totally crazy of me… has anyone read this far… if you have jusy know i love you. i cherish you. you are my everything <3#₍ᐢ..ᐢ₎ — lene’s latest gossip .ᐟ
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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big news everybody nintendo reached out to me to work on the game design for miitopia 2! heres what i can share! some class designs for the promo party of mii2pia, coming to nintendo switch on 6/13/26!
#miitopia#my art#god i love miitopia this is maybe my favorite game of all time#it has such a dear place in my heart#from my childhood to finally attempting late postgame revently this week for the first time#its so#ethereal and surreal#not that anybody cares but dont take this sappiness as a sign that miitopia 2 is coming#its not#i dont think it ever will truthfully which is#very sad to say but#aghhh i love you miitopia. I love all the love that went into this game#god getting a switch port is crazyyyy i still cant believe its real#im the miitopia guy#forever and always#ill return to my roots#artists on tumblr#<- hangs my head in shame
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BSD S4 spoilers!
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I'm literally crying. What right does Oda have to look so tiny and adorable??
#im not sure if the source i provided is the official anime twitter but i think it is?#happy to take corrections if so#anyway AFJIWE OFJASIOE FJIOSAJEFIOJDF ASI i cannot WAIT until i can watch the episode#but for now ill just watch the fandom go stir crazy /I/ am going stir crazy!!#BUT SERIOUSLY IM OBSESSED WITH YOUNGER ODASAKU I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS BABY WAS AN ASSASSIN IM CRYING#i cry even more when i realize that he and ranpo are just a year apart like why?#protect the boy protect him forever#bsd s4 spoilers#bsd season 4#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd ranpo#bsd odasaku#bsd fukuzawa#also love that fukuzawa looks as stern and 'i didn't want to adopt but now i have and i cant stop' as ever#bsd official art#anime things#anyway AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!#rambling in the tags sorry#edit: also ill get rid of the read more tag later i just wanted to give a fair chance warning etc
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plane scene is so funny cause why is mine a sleeper agent that wakes up whenever daigo is mentioned
can’t wait to see it in dragon engine :3
mine has been the winner for Funniest Character Imaginable for 15 consecutive years and i have yet to see anyone come close i fear
#snap chats#originally i wrote 'funniest character alive' and then remembered. HAH im so funny //throws up//#all my fave charas know how to do is get crazy on planes over men they love its disgusting#utterly hilarious cause after making the last post i went on twitter and they mentioned ANOTHER plane scene i throw up over#diff franchise so not important it is just SIMPLY funny how coincidences work and further confirming I Have A Type#BUT NO BACK TO MINE IT'S STILL SO FUCKIN FUNNY I HAVE TO REWATCH IT#i have to replay it .... all of y3 ...#if anyone remembers my friend from college and how we used to stream she asked me if we could stream#and i was like 'girl i havent streamed in Fuck Ever huh' and yk what maybe i'll stream y3 with her#at the very least ill stream y3 for myself ... legend mode .....#ive beaten y3 legend mode one (1) time and it was the worst experience of my life because if its not shadow the hedgehog#i am not good at the game i am playing !!!!!!!!!!! it'll be funny tho#i remember wanting to do a y3 drinking run but i told myself id stop drinking so i simply think. i will substitute drinking for hot sauce#its an idea im ironing out and i also have to like. properly set up a twitch- or maybe ill stream through youtube#ive always liked youtube streaming more ... at least as a viewer#these are all details for plans i will not be enacting literally any time soon can i stay on topic#the topic being i love mine. i love that plane scene forever the casual Whats Goin On Here :)#and he is the embodiment of :) in that scene casue :] is gen friendly but :) has an underlying aura of Im Going To Kill You#thats him in that scene. and i love him. for the third time. im ending this post now forever and always stan mine#if and whenever y3k comes out i cant wait to see !! but i personally believe that's well and away from us at this point#not impossible since they did mention it but yk. i dont think itll happen within the next year or two#maybe next five or ten realistically. if that jVLAEKJVLAEKJ ok bye fr now
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ok cool. glad to know other people think so. now wtf do i do. i can never ever confront either of them about this ever, ive tried before and they fight it and deny it and get SO upset at just the insinuation, no way i can accuse them of actual… “misconduct,” or whatever. they would flip tf out and hate me forever. idc about my stepmother but i love my mama i dont want things to change between us or for her to pull away from me or be mad at me…… i guess i just hold this within me forever, that what they did was wrong, but i’m still gonna love my mom anyway? idk!!!!!!
#p#there’s nothing i can do!!!!! i love my mom more than i hate what she did to me!#nobody would ever believe me either especially her#ive tried to bring it up before to people and nobody believes me or takes it seriously#ill die holding this forever then
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Thinking about Amy instead of sleeping.
#rose rambles#I've only seen through s5#But. Amy. I do love her. She's practically Made of ill advised choices.#Running away with the Doctor in the dead of night before her wedding day. For example.#Her family took her to psychiatrists and she bit them all. Evidently her family and neighbours didn't think she was sound of mind#even if they found it sort of charming. In a weird way. And that's obviously affected how she's lived her life.#Like#people don't necessarily trust her mind. What she thinks. No one ever believed her about the Doctor. And they taught her to believe that too#But they do think she's beautiful. And through that she can assert her autonomy. So she becomes a kissogram.#Which. We all saw how it was framed. They made her a family friendly sex worker.#And is it any wonder that she tries to fuck the Doctor then? He left her for all those years. And that absence changed the way her community#saw her forever.#So she assert control how she knows how.#Anyways this is to say. I love her. And I think she should make more bad decisions forever.#Curtis described her ethics as “negotiable” once and yeah sjdndj
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Mysterious Lotus Casebook // Anne Carson, Autobiography of Red
(continuation of x)
#and YES I USED THE SAME PIC TO BEGIN HIS. BECAUSE WHERE HIS STORY BEGINS#IS WHERE LI LIANHUA’S ENDS AND GOD. HE THOUGHT THEY HAD FOREVER#fang duobing’s turn because time is rushing toward them!!! and he believed they had it and then didn’t and then did again#and then it’s—all gone. like a light snuffed out. there is always a dark darker than the dark you know#and what li lianhua believed he was freeing fang duobing from is what he will spend the rest of his life mourning#& it’s. you have enough time. and then you don’t. and then you do because he told you so and you wanted to believe him even after everything#so you did. and oh. it was so much worse to think you could have it. that you had it together. and then finding he knew it was never a#possibility to begin with because he exchanged his death for your life but he doesn’t understand he wrote the eulogy you will roam the wide#world with for the rest of your life without him#just. holy shit. it’s a cruelty that li lianhua truly does not believe is cruel. he believes it’s a blessing. and it’s the worst thing#fang duobing has ever experienced—not his father not his illness nor his run away marriage or obligation as a young master he hates—its this#ANYWAY. yeah. yeah. finished the book today so natural I had to take the last quote completely out of context for my own selfish reading for#them bc what can I say I’m a selfish reader in any regard#mysterious lotus casebook#fang duobing#li lianhua#li xiangyi#di feisheng
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working on the playlist again sorry for any mental illness postings 🫡
#also listening to 929 and god will i ever not tear up at 'i've got a long way#to go until self preservation think my moral compass is on a vacation and i can't believe i still#feed my fucking temptations AND IM STILL LOOKING FOR MY SALVATION!' like gut punch without fail#eris: playlist#it's a cherik playlist btw if you want to follow a long on the mental illness#i'm going through artists instead of through my sing library so it hopefully won't take forever#but we just got to fall out boy and boy is that gonna be a big one
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.
#im really going to miss this house#it is ultimately a shell of my mum though i haven’t lived properly in years#this is the house she died in now rather than a place of joy#i don’t know if ill ever feel a true sense of home ever again#im gonna miss these yellow walls and the way i felt when i painted them#we went from black to yellow teenage soph you didn’t realise how poetic that was at the time but it means the world now#i just wanna yell ‘you made it through kid it doesn’t stay dark forever’ but i don’t fully believe that right now#the through part isn’t over yet sorry love life has a way of reminding you#i feel like i don’t belong anywhere now#how do you move to live for yourself when you were the soul person reliable for a whole human for 6 straight years#i was literally 19 making medical decisions and dictating doctors notes into layman’s terms for mum to understand that’s a lot#i don’t know how to prioritise myself i haven’t been allowed to for nearly a decade#it’s 2am and im just staring at walls that won’t be mine for much longer#i think my brain thinks it can delay the moving date because maybe the time won’t pass if i stay awake
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I would like. To be in mutual love
#rant#yeah...#...........................................................................................................................................#look its like this. im chronically ill. i know its not totally up to me i cant go out 1-3 times a week trying ro meet ppl. i know i#cant even eat some days my tummy too upset. cant work some days cant even sit up. can barely keep up witj friends i already have#and i know the being drained wont get better. i might be this sick forever. and i know im prioritizing my own art over#meetjng strangers. thats a choice. i know its my own fault im lonely. i also just. i wanna build a relationship#that long term where u meet and become friends then best friends then fall in love and hey if ur lucky marry ur best friend#and i know that wont come from forcing myself on dates w ppl i dont like. i know no ones ever liked me before#i know i havent felt attraction in years anyway. i miss having a crush. but i suppose itd be sad anyway. to crush and not be liked back#to feel ill need to wait another 5 years for another rare crush. i dont believe in fate i dont think. so i might not ever#kiss someoje i like. i might not get lucky and hold a crushs hand. spend months or years with someone like that#i just. i hate so much romance isnt like skills. i cant just date 1x a week until i run into love#i cant even find 1 person a month to crush on let alone ask out. cause the feelings are luck too#luck of who u run into even if u go tl events. even wuen i had 10k tinder matches the only date#the only person who respjded. was someone with a gf who didnt have much in common with me and me not mucj w them and it#was just not enough click to even make a friend#god it makes me sad. id like to kiss someone special. hold their hand. hear em talk hours#i have friends and love em but i dont wanna kiss a friend. i just dont feel romancy very much.
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everything is in turmoil!!
#i dont know if i can do this..#i ideally need to be out of here by sunday. if i stay any longer ill need to pay roughly $60 a day.#ive already accumulated debt with the power company. i cant have moms phone shut off yet so theres more debt to accumulate#need a storage unit. need to sort through a whole apartment of shit. need to move 6 cats. fill out forms. find other forms.#try to get an appointment with social security. try to get disability and/or emergency financial help.#gotta move into a modular home infested with dog feces and smells like piss and cigarettes#gotta hear right wing bs and slurs for god knows how long#gotta deal with my dad and by proxy step mother breathing down my neck about getting a further education and career#i just want everything to stop.. the only reliable people i have near me think my mental disorders are crutches i can will away#and the only people who believe they ARE a problem are unreliable and insufferable#i cant do this i feel like im having a panic attack 24/7 i feel trapped and lost and miserable and hopeless#i cant rely on other people for everything forever but i dont know what im doing. i dont know anything.#why did this have to happen? why do i need to prove worthy of shelter and food of my own? i cant think like this#all i can do is type and feel a thousand times more useless than i ever did before#i want my mom back. it wasnt supposed to happen like this.
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the patron saint of (Abraxos edition)
tagged by @forestofforever (thank you! 💛)
patron saint of blood
patron saint of the life that flows through our bodies. patron saint of violence. patron saint of love. something that does not watch over but exists within: not for protection but for vitality. there is no passion without a beating heart at its core. when that heart breaks open, someone has to be responsible for what it bleeds.
(emphasis mine)
tagging: @the27percent @elisethetraveller and anyone else that wants to :)
#i cannot BELIEVE-#the fact that it fits quite well too#god i love Abraxos and his weird complicated backstory that i havent even had the chance to get into yet#theres so much there that's yet to be revealed >:3c#q:Abraxos#also anyone can double tag me in quizzes and shit since im a mumu#ill just do it for someone else. its no prob ever#this is a now and forever type thing btw#not just this quiz
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You know I thought for awhile that I was just a rare type of person who sure, liked people well enough but was okay being alone didn't necessarily need anyone and NO. NO. NO. OH MY GOD . YOU GIANT DUMBASS. NO HAHAHA NOOO NOPE
#tide of consciousness#See what was confusing me is usually when people talk about life partner they mean romantically sexually#And also I have yet to meet someone who gets me in the way I want someone to get me <- I think <- good chance I have and squandered it#<- that may be the evil brain talking though#But anyway so I was misconstruing the fact that the people I know and like currently are not people I want to spend my life with#With the idea that there is no one and no chance I will ever want that#And also heteronormative allo society despite my best efforts Is in my brain#And I'm only just realizing how badly I would really like to find a person or maybe people who do make me feel like. I could want that#The idea that there could be someone out there that I would want to spend my time and space with forever is mind blowing#Because honestly and this is of course the mental illness but I have kind of been under the assumption that maybe I am just like. Weeell#Evil and broken and cruel and selfish and HAHA. you know. The usual#Because you know only recently I got my first taste of 'a person is actively choosing you and wants you over all things'#And then I fucked that up because that was my first time believing anyone could care about me and you know you always fuck that one up#And that sucked and is still in the process of sucking but it has also made me realize#That there is actually a way that I would want that. Maybe#Like in a way that worked. I'd really like to have a person like that maybe#And honestly that's a nightmare to have to realize#Because before it was like hey! I guess I just don't have to worry about that!#And now I'm like FUCK. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS#because special secret I've never actively tried to connect to people in my life ever#I don't know how you do that! I don't know how to actively form relationships!#I just wait for someone to grab me and pull me along! It's terrifying to think about trying to discover that#AT 20!#I know it's not unusual especially in this day and age in fact it's kind of an epidemic#But you're supposed to learn how to socialize when you're a little tiny baby!!! I don't want to figure this out now I can't even get a job!#Fucking shit that's a lot of words um#Every 6 months I remember that I'm deeply deeply deeply lonely and it's the worst and then I wilfully ignore it until I rediscover it again#Every day I discover a new layer to how utterly wretchedly self loathing my brain is and its the worst#Peeling back a layer of paint and surprise! You've subconsciously thought you were fine being alone because secretly you believe#That it is impossible for you to be anything but alone! Yay!
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