#and i know the being drained wont get better. i might be this sick forever. and i know im prioritizing my own art over

[mejomonster]

I would like. To be in mutual love

[kaz11283]

Of Course I'm Here

Characters: Come on you know by now how this goes (Loki x you) (Team x you, platonic)

Warnings: None. And really if you ever see anything that I might need to able as a warning please let me know... I'm the person who forgets there are people out there that get offened by the word F*** if that is an exapmle of anything.

Summary: Mid battle and the avengers keep looking for an answer as to why the God of Lies hasnt showed up yet. Of course you have no idea but at least he proves them all wrong.

ANNOUNCEMENT TIME: hey guys Im back, I know it hasnt been long but I also know I havent been posting every single day like I was, i got into a weird little funk where I didnt want to do anything, I was just feeling completly drained, and I felt bad because I have my little and I didnt even want to play with her because I have just been so TIRED, but I'm feeling better. Work has been kicking my ass here lately and ive been working over 50 hours a week so ive literally been coming in, eatting / feeding the little, getting us ready for bed, and crashing as soon as she falls asleep. But im here now. I will probably be more active on weekends than during the week because I have more time to spend working on stuff but I will be posting also during the week just not daily. At least until after state comes. Thank you so much for the reblogs, likes, comments, follows, and messages please keep them coming! If you would like to be tagged please ask or message, and requests are open. Love you guys so much! 💚💚💚💚💚

Loki Masterlist

~~~~~

"Y/N, BACK UP I NEED BACK UP! EYES IN THE SKY!" Tony yelled from above, you and Clint stood back to back on a roof top shooting as many bad guys as you could. Clint took aim at another carrier, shooting at the engine causing the entire thing to blow up raining debris and hot metal around you.

"Damnit Clint! Farther away make sure they are farther away!" You yelled popping him on the head with an arrow before aiming it at the thing that was chasing Tony.

"Where is lover boy at? You.sent him the location right?" Nat asked into the com.

"Yes I sent him the location, no I dont know where hes at." You mocked.

"Did you send him the right location?" Sam asked.

"One time, one dam-"

"Language!" Steve chimed in causing everyone to groan. Gun shots where ringing all around you and you could here metal on metal paired with Hulk screams coming from another building over.

"Language." You mocked muting your com son that no one but Clint heard you. "I am a 26 year old woman, I think I'm old enough to cuss if I want." You drew back your bow and sent another arrow flying into another goon that had Nat trapped aginst a wall. She shot you a thumbs up before running off. You hit unmute on your com.

"Jesus, 26? Baby, you sure you don't need to be at a babysitter instead of on a building killing things?" He laughed.

"Dont worry Hawk, when we get done here I've already booked you a nice nursing home to be put into." You put your bow around you and stood on the edge of the building. "I need a better view." You looked round, the top of a taller building caught you eye. "There Hawk, we can cover a better radius from up there, get closer to the action."

"DOES ANYONE KNOW WHEN THE GODS ARE GOING TO BE HERE? WE NEED MORE HELP WERE GETTING TIRED AND OUT NUMBERED!" Tony came over the coms screaming.

"How do we get up there? Or do I even wanna know?" Hawk came to examin where you were talking about.

"Im jumping, you cant tell me that someone wont catch me." You shrug.

"GODS WHERE ARE TH- Y/N DONT YOU DARE JUMP!" Tony stopped and hovered right were you was standing.

"Then take us over there. We need higher ground, we cant cover everyone from down here." You crossed your arms.

"Where are the gods at y/n?" He asked again

"I. Dont. Know. Jesus you guys act like I'm suppose to be there keeper!" A simultaneous you are came from everone through the com causing you to roll your eyes. "Hes gonna be here I swear it! Now take me to the building or I jump. 1.....2....-" Tony grabbed you by the collar of your jacket and flew you to the building.

God these things were everywhere and you were starting to run out of arrows. After shooting another ship and causing it to blow you heard what was unmistakably pounding on the roof top door leading to where you currently was at.

"I have some univited guests about to join my party. Anyone available for some assistance?" You yanked out the two emerald green and silver daggars that your boyfriend had given you not long after you had started dating after throwing your bow around you.

"Buy some time kid, I'm on ground level right now but I can try to get up there as fast as possible." Bucky called over the com.

"Buy some time? Ok. I can do this. I work better from afar but a little hand to hand never hurt anyone, just easier to get stabbed this way." The first of the things busted through the door running straight at you. You jerked out of the way missing his staff by just a few inches. Quickly turning you flipped the dagger like Loki had showed you and stabbed him in his side causing him to fall to the ground before the next one tried to impale you.

"I have two daggers and they have freaking staffs! Back up! WHERE THE HELL AR-" you were interupted by static in the air and a bright light. The bitfrost had just opened up leaving to gods standing in front of you and taking out the remainder ofnthe bad guys. "HES HERE! I TOLD YOU GUYS THEY WERE COMING AND THEY'RE HERE." You pulled two extra coms from you pocket and gave them to Thor and Loki.

"Always a pleasure to battle beside you Lady y/n." Thor smiled takkng the com and putting it in his ear before taking off again.

Loki sauntered over to you and put his arm around you waist, you put the com in his ear as he rolled his eyes. He leaned down and gave you a quick kiss.

"You got a new outfit." You smiled at him. God the way he looked in his battle clothe always did something to you, the horned helment was a plus.

"You like it." He smirked down at you pulling you closer.

"Your wearing your horns to." You reached up and brushed a peice if hair behind his ear.

"STOP. STOP NOW. WE CAN HEAR EVERYTHING AND ITS GROSS." Tony yelled causing you both to roll your eyes.

"Quick run down, bad guys everywhere, no end in sight, and I'm out of arrows pretty sure Hawk is too." Loki waved his hand over your quiver making more arrows appear.

"I see you had to use your daggers. I am sorry for not being here. Are you hurt anywhere?" He asked stepping away from you to examin you.

"Small cut on the side, nothing I havent dealt with before, Ill be fine. You go make sure Hawk is fully stocked up and help the others. I got a birds eye view of you right here." I leaned in kissing him one more time before smiling at him and pushing him away. He kissed his two finger before placimg them over his heart and you did the same, "always." You both said before he disappered.

You could hear Thor laughing at the chaos going on and Steve trying to direct the god of thunder on what to do. You had learned earlier to just let him do his own thing and he would be fine. Tony was still trying to micromanage everything when you heard Loki mumble something in an old language and his com cut out. You had figured it wouldnt have stayed on to long though but at least you had tried. It had calmed down up on your end so you decided to finally go back down to where Clint was at shooting an arrow with heavy duty rope you glided back down next to him to watch what was going on.

"Hello, earth to y/n." He snapped his fingers in front of your face. You had been to busy staring at Loki and that damn helmet. "I dont even understand why were friends." He rolled his eyes propping up on the ledge watching as the rest of the team secured the last of the bad guys.

"Because we both shoot arrows, because we are both the best in the team, or because we both know we are the best looking one on the team so we have to stick together." You laughed jumping up so you could sit on the ledge.

"The birds can come out of their nest now." Bucky called over the coms causing you both to sigh.

When you and Clint had reached the bottom you walked over to Thor theowing your arms around the big goof ball.

"You are amazing during battle as always." He beemed patting you on the shoulder.

"As always? Thor youve only fought with her twice." Steve said beside you.

"I had a week off. Went to Asguard, spent time with the boys. Someone had to keep them in line." You shrugged like it was no big deal.

"She was amazing!" Thor went on telling the story of the fight you had all gotten into.

"Mothers been asking about you by the way dear. Wants to know if you've decided to come stay for a while." Loki leaned down and whispered in your ear.

"I think I'm leaning toward a yes. I can't stand being away from you, you had been gone forever this time." You reached for his hand as you both walked to the quinjet.

"I was making arrangements to have our room redone. I figured you would come with me." He gave you a knowing smirk as he reached up to take off his helmet.

"Leave the horns on. I have a suprise for you when we get home." You pulled his hand away from his head and smacked his butt.

"You are a little minx." He laughed chasing you into the jet while the rest of the team groaned and rolled their eyes.

"Even if you wasnt moving i would be kicking your ass out! I am so sick of the PDA between you two." Tony hollared after you.

"Leave them alone Tony, they are courting. Im just glad my brother is happy and not trying to stab me." Thor clapped Tony on the back.

~~~~~

Tag List:

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@high-functioning-lokipath

[serpentqueenz]

As One (but out of sync) |

Bughead Drabble

Warnings: Nothing but angst and semi Dark!Juggie

Author’s Note: Just show us some sugar in the form of likes and reviews and that kinda jazz. 

The paper feels so heavy in his hands. Too heavy, in fact, for a Sunday morning. Jughead holds some kind of irony in his heart because Sunday is a day dedicated to those who worship something a little bigger than Sweetwater River. And all he has sitting in the throne of worship within himself is a whole lot of dedication to the Serpent that he wears proudly on his back. Everyone worships something around here. And often he finds himself on metaphorical hands and knees to get some sort of guidance.

Her perfect writing almost hums his name as he reads the note that she had folded and left on his dining room table. He had told her - sworn an oath of sorts - that he’d be back at the trailer by 9 the night before, but, as always, that didn’t work out. He met eleven with a fist against a jaw of a new Ghoulie that he held no love for. He met the trailer at 3, empty, no Betty in sight. “Don’t be late,” she had written on a piece of paper being the backside of a Pop’s receipt. No X’s and O’s. Just a venomous echo of her madness directed at him.

He screws up the receipt, he never did like reminders of letting down those that he loves. Why would he want to hang on to the piece of paper that practically screamed at him, “I’m starting to fucking despise you.” And that was something that he could understand wholeheartedly. He could feel it growing in him; he was starting to despise himself.

“Don’t be late,” he mimics as he slings his legs out his bed. The trailer floor is old and peeling and is too close to how he’s feeling with the weight of Southside on his soul.

His phone vibrates on the bedside table and he holds back every single ounce of him that is more focused on using the force in him in the form of his phone against the wall. Archie is the shining light. He’s Jughead’s best friend. He’s his brother. A part of his world.

He’s the reminder that everything Jughead does is just a black mark on Betty’s heavy heart. That sometimes you can’t live off love.

That sometimes love just isn’t enough. Not when you’re washing somebody’s son’s blood off your fists the next morning.

At some point, he made it to the bathroom. It still smells like vanilla and some sort of sick echo of Betty’s shampoo. He knows she must have showered waiting for him, just like how his bed still had damp pillows from her washed hair.

Or her tears; he’s not so sure at this point.

The shower hasn’t even run for ten seconds when he decides to hop in. Sometimes he feels like the cold shower is kind of like the punishment he deserves. Because at least he feels something.

The water is daggers, it’s burning fire.

It screams Betty’s name on him.

He washes off last night. The Ghoulie. The pain.

The splits on his fists that he knows Betty will cry against when he faces her again.

His phone dings again and he looks at the glowing screen on the bathroom counter.

“Please,” his phone reads. “Jug, come on. I don’t want to see Betty cry.” Archie pleads.

His sniggers to himself, “Neither do I.”

He can still hear his fist meeting the Ghoulie’s jaw. The slapping of skin against bone. In that moment, he was free. And the look of all the Serpents around him in that moment proved that the one thing they worshiped, yeah, maybe it was him.

He tore down every fucking wall he ever built when he unleashed on that poor kid.

Sometimes, Toni’s hugs are the only ones that mean anything since Betty left.

Betty never left though. She never left his side but he felt her slipping from his wavelength.

And most of the time, Jughead feels pathetic for even asking Toni for hugs, but she had an understanding and sometimes all he needed was someone with an understanding on how hard everything fell around him. But she had Cheryl and sometimes, he felt intrusive.

Toledo and his dad are so far away when Jughead feels like there’s nothing left in Riverdale for him. But Sweet Pea would tell him he’s being stupid, and he doesn’t even want to imagine the look on Fangs’ face if he told them he was leaving. But he knows they’re not the reason why he stays. He clings on to anything that still has Betty’s aura in it, and unfortunately, that was Riverdale.

“You seem a little…” Toni starts. Jughead can hear her mind ticking with what to say next, he lies with his head in her lap and smiles to himself. He feels a little free here in her room.

“What?” he asks as he listens to Sloth scream on The Goonies - Toni’s favourite, not his.

“You seem a little better,” she says with a shrug. “It’s good, I’m liking this new and improved Jughead.”

Jughead closes his eyes while he listens to the TV, Toni chewing obnoxiously on gummy bears. “New and improved?” he asks.

“Well, yeah?” she agrees. “You don’t think so?”  

He waits a moment, wondering if she would add anything. “I’m trying,” he tells her.

“To what?”

“Change for the better, improve my soul.”

Toni giggles. “Soul?” she laughs. “What soul?”

She carries on with the movie, but Jughead can’t seem to get back in. Soul? What soul? He repeats over and over. What soul? I don’t have one… he thinks. No one thinks I have one.

He knows why he’s feeling better.

Betty was letting him back in.

Even the thought of her talking to him made everything have a little more sense.

He would count down the hours until she would let him on her frequency again.

Southside wasn’t supposed to be like this anymore. Whatever family dynamic they had tried to create left as quickly as it came. Jughead knew he was their King but it wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. He was in control of something that sunk venom into everything he touched. And everything he touched seemed to wilt and wither a little more. It was hard to hold pride for something that was as toxic and draining as their leader. The darkness that clung onto Jughead so tightly with it’s fangs and pointed tails seeps into the very gang that he was leading and he wasn’t blinded to the fact that they were bad people.

Betty was sugary sweet and that was something that he would forever taste on the back of his tongue. How could the entirety of Riverdale’s being be so dull and dark when the likes of Betty Cooper ran through its waterways. She’s pastel pink in his memory. That’s all he seems to have these days. Memories.

The old Mustang he drives - a gift from Sweetpea - pulls up to Fred Andrew’s place and shuts down with a roar. Curtains fly open. Jughead wants to kick into reverse and get the fuck out. Something he’s too scared to do, not because of the disappointment that Archie is going to throw hard at him. There’s a chance that Fred would be there, and that’s a kind of disappointment he cannot face.

Archie’s bedroom window flies open on the side of the house, “Wrong house, Jug!” he yells out. “Go and see Betty!”

Jughead rolls his eyes to himself and quickly runs to Archie’s front door, letting himself inside and shrugging Southside off his shoulders and onto the floor. Taking his first proper breath in a length of time that he doesn’t care to acknowledge. In here, he’s just Jughead and most of the time he can’t see past sixteen and sharing the room with Archie.

It’s the look in Archie’s eyes when he gets to the room that makes Jughead want to turn away. Lectures don’t seem to sink in even though he knows what needs to be done.

Cut ties. Let loose. Get out of Southside.

“Betty turned up at Veronica’s last night, because, well, I guess you already know why.”

Archie’s hands tense and Jughead notices the uneasiness in Archie between trying to look in his eyes and trying to not hurt Jughead in the process.

Jughead falls on Archie’s bed and holds his face in his hands, inhaling deeply. Trying to shake guilt off in the process. “I was out late, Arch, I was tied up -”

“You said you’d stop this shit, Jug. It’s hurting Betty. You’re always coming home beaten up. I don’t even know what kind of shit the Serpents are into now. You’re in way too deep bro and look at you!” Archie almost yells. “You’re scratched up, your eyes are black! One day you might not even come home!”

Jughead blurs out the rest, staring at the mismatched pillows laying in the floor in front of him. Buzzing out the lecture. Keeping pastel pink in his mind. Archie’s arms fly in the air, his voice cracks at least three times. The room seems a hell of a lot smaller than it did when they were 16, now that they are 18. “Archie…” he says quietly.

“No, you’ve got to hear it! This is not you, Jug. This isn’t the real you. You’re more than this shit! I don’t know what the hell you got up to last night! Betty was worried sick and i’m sick and tired of trying to tell her that you’ll be okay when you wont!”

Jughead’s heart takes a beating when it starts to skip beats. Betty was the harmony in his fucked up world. The staggered breaths of air that are knocked out of him when he’s fighting. The reason why he wakes up. His knuckles crack inside his skin as Archie continues. He forgets all together how to breathe when he hears Betty’s name on Archie’s lips for the tenth time in a row.

Archie pauses when he notices tears on Jughead’s cheeks. Jughead doesn’t wipe them away but his best friend reaches out for him before pulling back again. Maybe he’s scared of me, he thinks. “I can’t find an escape,” he mutters under his breath, cracking his bloodied knuckles against his leg, faking a small smile for his best friend. “I can’t fucking cut loose. The more I move, the tighter the noose gets, Arch.”

“You need to find a way -” Archie is cut off by Jughead’s low laugh.

“Every time I find a way, I get pulled back,” he murmurs, heart racing too fast. Blood pumping too slowly in his hands.

Archie isn’t sold. Jughead can tell by the way he paces his own room and refuses to look at Jughead. “You shouldn’t have to find a way. It should just be Betty.”

Jughead stops listening when vanilla envelopes him.

All he wanted was a moment with his best friend. Someone who knew the real him.

All he got in return was too many home truths and a reminder that people miss the Jughead who didn’t come with poison attached to his very being.

He has a panic pulsing through him. It’s that so-fucked-up high that’s worse than anything else he’s ever tried. The metallic smell that’s hanging in the air that follows him and the dried up cracking of someone else’s blood on his hands creates the beating in his chest that’s splitting ribs. His breaths are short and shallow. The sound of pounding flesh and his knuckles pushing back is all he can hear right now.

The panic never stops. Two blunts later and a twenty minute lay down only increased his paranoia. Drop offs don’t get any easier. Not when the reason why Betty left his side was because she couldn’t handle any more of Southside. Not when he couldn’t tell the difference between his blood and the blood of the Ghoulie he beat up.

Not when his heart was beating so hard, it was coming out of his chest.

Inhale, exhale. It was his mantra. The guilt in his mind was a cruel reminder that that soul he was searching for, maybe he found it.

He sniggers to himself. I always feel like shit, he reminds himself.

Jughead hears a constant, static buzz in his ears. The ringing doesn’t stop and he doesn’t know if it was from the sheer amount of hits he took or a desperation in his soul to find Betty.

It’s almost as though he could smell the vanilla from down the street, or maybe it was just something that his mind was telling him he needed but the walk up to her room was fast when the floor seemed to move with him.

Her room was dark and carried an air of emptiness in it. Most of her things stil sat in the trailer though it had been weeks since she had really stayed. Her room here, at her mom’s, didn’t really feel like hers anymore. Home to her now, in Jughead’s eyes, was with him in the trailer. But it didn’t feel like home enough for her to come back.

The drawers seemed empty, the dresser bare, but the shape of Betty’s body called to from under the blankets and he could see she was sleeping peacefully. He wants to run.

He wants to stay with her.

His pulse slows though, his blood feels thicker in his veins and a pulse of relief echoes through when he realises his blunt was kicking in. “Juggie?” a voice that seems so smooth and silky, it was like instant ease.

Betty.

His body betrays him. Betty in his zone right now just made him feel a little right. It’s that familiarity he’s searching for, something she’s been giving him a lot more of and he’s grateful for it. Archie might hold a hate for him, his dad might be in Toledo when he needs him most but the universe can’t take all of Riverdale, no matter how hard it’s trying to strip Jughead bare.

He’s bare feet on silk sheets when he climbs in next to her. Breathing pauses again when  he’s trying to steady his soul. Steady soul, all wrapped up in the body next to him.

He wraps arms around her and dots kisses on her neck and drowns a little, letting it take him deeper into the water that she gives him. Ease.

Ease.

Easier than breathing.

She doesn’t ease up, though. He feels the shift in her body that replicates the stiffness in his own being. He made her this way. Tough. Concrete. She was right at the bottom and he knows it.

“Jughead?” she whispers, half asleep and slightly erratic. Finally she gives up, in his arms, and moves closer to him. “I was so worried.”

The words ring in his ears and replace the static in his mind. For the first time in a long time, he hears clearly.

“Betty,” he mumbles. “I came back for you.”

She smiles gently against his lips. If he could pinpoint every emotion in that one kiss, he would first read sadness. It lingers on him, in his skin, his hair. He feels it emitting from her. The sadness that he brings.

The sadness lingers above them, sitting in the room as they lay on the bed, “I wish you would stay with me,” she tells him. “Don’t go.”

“I want to stay, Betty, trust me,” he tells her. “I want to be locked up here with you.”

She sighs against his collarbone and it chills him to the core. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

He smiles to himself, eating up the sadness, drowning the madness in Sweetwater River. She never did want to talk about it, but neither did he. If he could keep it buried forever, then he’d leave it there. “I don’t want to either.”

“Then stay with me,” she begs with closed eyes, “For once let’s not let Southside come between us. Just you and I, Jug. Like we’re kids again.”

“Like we’re kids again,” he repeats against her soft hair. “Got it.”

She breathes in his air. She breathes life back into him, washing away guilt, taking in his pain. Making him feel human again. “I love you Jug. No matter what. No matter how fucking hard.”

He struggles to repeat the words when his bones feel like they’re snapping, cartilage spreading through his hands. His mind isn’t his when Betty Cooper is around. “I’m sorry I do this to you, baby.”

“I know.”

The silence seems louder when it’s just them two in the room. The silence is a welcomed change. Jughead knows that silence in the world of the Serpents is like a spreading disease that holds no peace in it. “You’re too good for me.”

Betty doesn’t arguing. All Jughead feels is a tightening grip on his body, as if she was trying to hold him down. Keep him with her at all times. He knows she holds a fear in her heart. “There’s no me without you though, Jug,” she whispers. “As much as you can’t find a way to get out, I can’t either.”

He feels the venom pooling again. This time is sinks deeper into the one person he loves.

He loves her deeper than deep.

He’s fucked this lifetime over deeper than deep.

She’s all glittery eyes and soft touched words when she’s in his arms and all of her promises seem to sound so pretty when it just him and her in the room. He’s almost convinced that he could be anything he wants to be when he’s laying in her silk.

“I didn’t sign up for things to be so hard, you know that right?” he asks her.

Her weak smile tells him that she knows. “When is there going to be time for me next to Southside?”

“You’re my Queen,” he promises. “There’s always time for you.”

Her laugh makes him uneasy, “it’s almost as though we can’t coexist.”

“What happened to not talking about Southside? 16 again, remember?”

Her breathing hitches. “Right.”

Jughead’s hands smooth over her hips and finally his hands feel like they’re home on her skin. “I just need to get through this part and then I’ll get out, I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” she says sternly.

“I promised I’d be here,” he tries. “And I’m on time.”

“Only because I had to remind you.”

It hurts him more than it should.

He tries to shift but she won’t give up his body that still has Southside sitting on his shoulders. “Where do you see us in the future?” he questions, instantly regretting it, not wanting to hear the answers for fear of hurting himself.

Betty pauses almost abruptly and again the dynamic switches. Now he’s the one drowning at the bottom. Anything for her, though.

Betty’s nails dance on the gap between Jughead’s jeans and flannel. “Life with you.”

“Are we happy?”

She smiles again. “Always.”

“Good.”

“Maybe we’re just normal Jughead and Betty again. Maybe there’s no danger. Maybe we’re just two people in love who had a past.”

“A bad past,” he corrects.

“No,” Betty shakes against the pillow. “It’s not bad. People go through things, you know.”

“People go through some shitty things.”

Betty chuckles and hits Jughead lightly on the chest. “Please keep optimistic. We’re alive aren’t we?”

Jughead’s throat starts to close in the closer he pulls Betty to him. His trachea contracts, he squeezes his eyes shut so tightly to block everything out. “I’m only ever alive when you’re with me, Betts.”

She hums softly with the same weak smile on her face. He holds her closer than close, wanting them to be the same person and believes that maybe, if they lay there long enough, everything would wash away, sinking further into the depths of Sweetwater River.

“We can get past this, right?” she says, sleep hanging onto her.

“As long as you don’t ever leave me,” he replies.

“I might just run away to California. Never come back.”

Jughead laughs as he rubs his own eyes, letting sleep take him too. “And leave me here?”

“You’d come with me of course,” Betty shrugs,

“And leave everything behind? I don’t think so!” He jokes back, earning an elbow in the ribs.

Betty’s sigh of relief runs through them both. “There’s things bigger than Southside and Riverdale out there, you know Jug?”

“I know,” he murmurs. “Things like you.”

[angeljonghyun]

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

[wildwonderer93]

9 things I implore you to consider before going to work at a lodge

In 2015 I was bright eyed, and bushy tailed at the prospect of working in the bushveld.  I was wooed by the stories I researched, the photos I saw and the thought of being close to nature. Little did I know what I was letting myself in for.

 Hospitality in the bush can be incredibly rewarding in its own ways, but it is a HARD life and not meant for everyone. I spend 5 years in the bush in lodges and “animal rehabilitation centers” – boy has this time changed my life as well as my opinion dramatically!

1.       Its never what it seems

My first job in the bush was a very well known “rehabilitation center”. I studied wildlife management and thought this would be my big break, the one I have been waiting for years. It looked incredible from the outside until I got into the working side of things. Animals were being bred for financial gain, moved between the center and the owner’s home at their will for their pleasure, meat being minced to feed them more economically. It was devastating. I spent two months in their butchery cutting up meat and wrapping animals they had allowed to die just to be stuffed and put on display in their museum. DO NOT be fooled by the social media, do your own research with the people who work there, or better yet worked there, to find out what really goes on.

I almost came back to my hometown and gave up on the whole adventure because of this place.

2.       Loneliness

Nothing can describe the black hole of loneliness you feel when moving to a new city and environment without people to support you. If you go alone, like I did, it can be almost impossible to push through and stay when everything in you is shouting to give up. It can be hard getting a new group of friends in the bush especially since you cannot really trust anyone, someone is always out to take your job or get you fired, leak your secrets etc. So you have to be incredibly cautious when choosing who to associate with at your workplace. It could cost you your job. This mentality might cause the worst loneliness you might feel but it will protect your reputation and job. After all you are going to work not to make friends. Being so far away from home and often working 3-6 weeks at once means you loose touch with friends and family – by the time you have leave (which could be cancelled at any minute without notice – regular hospitality thing) your friends have either grown apart from you or are busy, away, married, on vaycay you name it. You will lose the majority of your friend circle, be prepared.

3.       No pets

As mentioned above, it can be incredibly lonely. To make it worse you can never, ever have a household pet when working at a lodge or on a reserve. Most places have strict rules against pets as they can infect the wildlife with all sorts of horrible diseases. Some places allow you to foster a wild animal, if you find them helpless, but that wont last long. Not only is it cruel to keep a wild animal as a pet, this animal also has instincts that needs to develop with you cannot do for it and you also wont be able to move this animal to any other place, you are basically stuck at this place until you release it or it dies. So get use to the loneliness. We recently adopted our first puppy since we came back to the city, the joy this little guy brings us is indescribable, you will miss the unconditional love of an animal.

4.       Everyone is in everyone’s business – #DRAMA

If you do not know this yet, surprise! When you work at a lodge you live with the people you work with. This can be nice at times, but mostly is not. If you hook up with someone, everyone knows. There is no secrecy, everyone talks about everyone and they will all pretend to be nice to your face and speak about you behind your back. I thought the city was bitchy until I got to the bush…You cannot do or say anything without the whole lodge knowing, and information travels like wildfire. Get ready for your every move to be on the tips of every co-worker’s tongue.

5.       Long hard hours

You think you know what it means to work hard? You have not worked for a lodge yet then. Overtime is worked into most contracts and is deemed COMPULSORY. Working 10-16 hours a day for 6 weeks straight is normal. Working from 6am-4pm and coming back at 6pm till 12pm is normal. Also, you do not only do what you were appointed to do, you do what you are asked as the extra mile is EXPECTED not rewarded. Example – I was a administrative manager – I’ve made beds, washed dished, served food and drinks, cleaned rooms, cleaned pools, washed floors, did photoshoots, social media post, compaction writing and blog posts…none of that in my job scope, but if you want to be there you will do it. Also, you are very easily replaceable so do not think if you do not want to go the extra mile that they will not find a way to fire you (or make you leave on your own).

6.       Shitty accommodation

Okay so obviously you are not going to work in the bush to live in a 5-star villa, but it can be messy and sometimes a health risk. The first place I stayed in had a problem with bats in the roof, it was sinking in and breaking apart there was so much guano in the roof – its been 5 years, multiple people have gotten sick and still they haven’t fixed the roof. Another place I stayed at had literally no curtains or railings or even a toilet roll holder. It was basic. I am not moaning about the type of accommodation, usually a small room with a kitchenette and if you are lucky your own bathroom, I am moaning about the run down and unhygienic conditions of most staff accommodations. When you go for your interview ask to see the room you will be living it, trust me.  

7.       Do your own research, get your own facts

Every place can appear magical, beautiful, caring and just incredible through their social media pages and websites, but that is not really what you want to know when going to work at a lodge. What you want to know is the truth. Go onto Linkedin or Facebook and find people who work there or have worked there, yes maybe a little unconventional and stalkerish, but it is the best way to understand the workings and environment of the place. Talk to them and ask your questions. When you go for your interview pay attention to what is happening around you and feel the vibe. They will try and sway you with pretty words an promises but you wont know if it is right for you until you do your own research.

8.       Remoteness

Do you remember going to get an ice-cream when you were craving one? Decide to make pasta but you need some mince? Milk run out??? Well say goodbye to convenience. Cravings are so inconvenient that you most often change yourself just to get over them. Most lodges are in reserves about an hour away from the nearest shop. And trust me driving a two hour round trip is not worth your packet of sweeties. You will stop drinking milk for a week when you run out. You cannot go for a drink with anyone because you must drive an hour to get home or the reserve gates close. Say goodbye to most of your regular social activities – you will now unwillingly become the person who stays at home for a braai with your colleagues. Also, it is really difficult to find fro-yo in the bush!

9.       Human dignity

Of all the things I mentioned above, this must be the most important.

Never in my life did I think I would allow myself to be so disrespected and broken down for a job. Your human dignity goes down the gutter when you go into hospitality and it is best to expect it than to just blindly accept it. Prepare yourself.

I have been screamed at, sworn at, thrown with food and items, pushed around, my character attacked – and not once did any of my managers defend or protect me. Why? Because the customer is always right and if you work at a lodge you better be ready to accept that regardless of how the guest acts. You will be broken down, disrespected, and torn apart by the worst people while you just must stand there and take it. This is the main reason I will never go back to hospitality; my human dignity is much more important than a pay check.  Yes, people are rude and disrespectful all over the world, but I strongly believe people in hospitality, especially waiters, get treated like they are not humans beyond employees of the place they are staying at. You will not be thanked or rewarded for dedication and hard work; it is expected of you as an employee.

 Now, I have mentioned quite a lot of horrible factors of working in the bush. They are not all as bad as they seem. I for one enjoy being on my own and keeping to myself, and if it were not for the lodges, I would never have met my husband. But you need to be realistic about every factor when you make the decision to move to the bush, the good and the bad.

 I spent little over 5 years in the bush, I have seen some amazing things, experienced some amazing things that I never would have if I did not take this leap of faith. But now I am drained. 260 weeks of work for 60 weeks of leave. 1820 days of work for 420 days of leave. That is 80% work, 20% leave. Whereas in a normal 9-5 jobs its 65% work, 35% leave. ¾ of the last 5 years was devoured by work, which is unhealthy and unsustainable.

If you love wildlife and the bush I will no doubt encourage you to give this a go but remember you cannot go on like this forever. You and your body will get tired and if you are not careful you will go into autopilot and quickly realize you have been in the same place for the last 10 years, going nowhere.  

[dangkinronpa]

positivity for izuru who woke up feeling sick

ur positivity is under the cut izuru, and ill get started on ur moodboard as soon as this posts

izuru, i know that having ur plans for a day ruined is pretty tough, and ive been in those same shoes before. being sick can make u feel pretty awful, but i know that ur sickness will pass and that ull be up and able to enjoy ur days soon. even if ur sick for a long while, ur going to feel better eventually, and this sickness wont last forever

first of all, its important that u shouldnt overwork urself, even if u had plans for today. the best way to deal with ur sickness would be by remembering to rest and take care of urself, so if u overwork urself u wont be helping urself get better. for right now, it might be best for u to get as much sleep as u need, drink plenty of fluids so that u dont get dehydrated, and try to eat something good for u, such as soup. u might want to try and do things, and thats perfectly fine, but please try to keep the fact that ur not feeling well in mind and only do what u can without straining urself

even though u werent able to spend today how u wanted to, its always important to remember that tomorrow will come and hopefully be better. there might have been things that u wanted to do today, and thats perfectly fine, but u shouldnt force urself to feel down about that. just try to remember that anything that u wanted to do today can still be done tomorrow, and that u shouldnt worry too much about things u cant do today. just try to relax and give urself a bit of time to get better

although u can definitely do whatever u might need to get done tomorrow, if theres anything u have the energy to do and would like to do right now, i dont see a problem with getting things done. being sick might drain u of ur energy, but if u can still do some of the things u wanted to get done today, then that means that u didnt spend ur whole day just feeling sick and that uve spent ur day doing something. as i said earlier, though, dont strain urself; u should put ur health first, and if u can still accomplish things afterward, then thats good

izuru, i know that being sick is pretty bad, and im sorry that its taken up ur day. while it might feel bad, i know that ur sickness wont last soon and that ull be back on ur feet in no time. until then, though, u should definitely rest and try to take care of urself, so that u can get better sooner and be able to do whatever u wanted to do again. i just hope ur sickness doesnt last long

please stay safe izuru, and im always here if u want someone to talk to

- mod kiibo

[omgshesbpd-blog]

TGIM (Thank god it’s Monday)

Can I tell you a secret? 

I hate the weekends, I really do. 

Every week I mentally prepare myself for those two days of freedom but I am always left feeling unprepared. 

I need to work.

I need a routine. 

I need a schedule.

A sense of purpose. 

Something to live for. 

Something to distract me from myself otherwise I just go into a full existential crisis.

Yesterday was a complete disaster, I was ill prepared for my two days of “tranquillity”, my “break”. I woke up after a lovely sleep, only to be hit with “Oh F**K. What am I going to do today??” 

I tried to be normal and just live in the moment but ended up catastrophising myself into a panic attack. 

I reached out to this poor guy who I have only seen a handful of times to come round, just for an hour just so I didn’t feel alone, scaring him away completely with my desperate “this is literally life or death for me, you don’t understand”.

See, he made the mistake of being there for me. He told me after I shared stories of my scars and he had witnessed a low, that I could talk to him anytime and he would be there. 

Boy, did I cling to that.

I am going to share with you the desperate messages I sent him, that humiliate me because I believe it is important for anyone with or dating someone with BPD to know how desperate BPD can be, how intense the emotions feel and how they take over, but also so you can see what someone without BPD goes through when the BPD’er is having an episode. 

When formatting my messages, each time I start a new line represents a new message I sent after he saw my messages and didn’t write back. I have also left all the spelling and gramatical errors in there so you can see how the desperation came accross in my messages, just getting it out as quickly as I could while he was still willing to listen. 

Context: I had had a rough Tuesday and we were meant to see each other on Thursday so I was holding out for it to relieve myself of my shit feelings as he became my chosen comfort person. Only thing is, he canceled, so not only did I not have my release, I started getting intense paranoia about being abandoned and... Well... I got weird. Then I would try and backtrack and not be weird, but it was weird. That weirdness fed my paranoia even more, so I was more concerned about being abandoned, and so on, so forth. 

FUN TIMES!!

The messages are intense, I know I sound crazy, and please, please don’t judge me; I’m hard enough on myself as it is hah. 😬

Here we go...

Me: this whole awkwardness is really annoying me but you won't let me see you to sort it out and reset haha so its just going to get worse until it gets to the point you legit just don't want to see me again which would be such a shame  you can't spare an hour at all this weekend? Just an hour, is all I need

Him: What awkwardness lol

M: the awkwardness I am feeling that is making me desperately want to see you so I can reset. Its manifested for me and I legit just need to see your face to reset and then I will be fine but atm I'm verging on playing push-pull games to get reactions because this situation that you might not feel is fucking with my head a little haha. Its only an hour of your time but would help me heaps

H: I just don't know where all this is coming from. You can play push pull games but it won't work. What's the situation??

M: yea because you can't understand it, honestly it is weird, I know. If you want to be friends and ease me of this, it would be really nice if you could please see me super quick. It would just alleviate so much of this crap I have built up inside that I can't put into words and would mean a lot to me. Please?

H: Just say to me now what you're feeling ill out you at ease

M: I told you tho it needs to be face to face, it doesn't work when i am reading my interoperation of you, it needs to be from you. if it is my interpretation of you than that is sculpted by my bias and insecurities because there is no tone in your words through text.

H: You're scared that I'm  going to disappear and because we haven't seen each other/ don't know when were going to see each other you feel lost and abandoned? Is that it?

M: yea but not in a because I have feelings for you and want to be with you kind of way, in a because you have in-printed on me kind of way and you matter. Your reply can be as reassuring as you can possibly make it but in my head, you not being willing to sacrifice an hour of your time to reassure me with actions in a way that words cant is just reconfirming that shit negative feeling for me. It's a tiny little action for you but a massive result for me, please?

You don't understand what it feels like, either. It is constantly on my mind and it actually hurts in my chest because of the anxiety I get and I am so wound up and fritzing out and it is driving my nuts that I want to just cut ties so I don't have to think about it, but I can't cut ties, all I can do is drive you away but I don't want to do that

I'm really trying here to change my behaviours. its so hard tho

H: I'm just heading out. I'll call you later?

M: my pulse is 103, I think I am about to have a panic attack. Usually an attack is an outlet for me so hopefully it will all figure itself out and I will just deal with it myself

I can't keep doing this forever, I can't keep working this hard. I just don't have the energy or resilience for it

You said you were my friend and always had time for people that needed it. I trusted you and I asked for your time and help, but you are making me go through it alone

H: Sorry I can't be there right now! Are you ok??

M: No

Im not. 

Im so tired of fighting myself

It's over now, my pulse is back down to 65. Fuck that is hard to go through, I have so much pain in my chest that I want to turn it into a physical pain that I can understand. I picture getting a knife and cutting deep into my flesh, watching the skin open up and the blood come out and if fills me with relief, tranquility. I don't want to tell people this because I don't want them to call the cops on me, but I am too scared to be by myself when I feel like that becasue I'm afraid oneday I will be too exhausted to stop myself from doing it, it is so taxing, it really drains me. I used to hit myself with a hammer so it would bruise and then poke the bruises when I was winding down so it would hurt, but not as much as when I first did it, which was beautifully inline with how my emotions felt; strong, but not as strong as when it first happened. I talked to my dr about it and he said to grab ice and hold it in my hands until it hurts as a safer alternative. I did it just then and it worked but now my hands are warm again and the feeling is bubbling up, there is no bruise to poke and I feel a bit lost. I guess I will just try holding onto ice for lesser periods? Sorry if that is TMI, but that is what it is like. It is that powerful.

I am still feeling really vulnerable and I need you to see me today please if you can make it happen because I am splitting a little bit with you, which is where the way I feel has changed. Justified or not, I feel really let down that I went through that just before and you hadn't heard me over the past few days when I said I wanted to see you. If this is all too much for you, then this is a good time for it to naturally end, the way I see you will change and that could be your exit? but if you don't want to tap out, then I do need to see you because I am hurt and it is legit the only way I can dissociate you from the pain I just had. Like I said, it is only an hour and substitutes wont work. I hope you are willing to do it

H: I think this is all a bit too much for me I'm sorry! But I feel really had for you as you're obviously fighting a rough battle But it's something I find hard to be a part of at the moment

M: That is really dissapointing.

H: But I will happily talk and try to help you feel better as i feel bad for how shit you're feeling!

M: I hope you never have to experience this sort of pain, and I hope if you do, the people you talk to about it don't ditch you because of it.

I told you I need to see you, it is one hour. I can't talk to you if you're not even willing to do that. It feels dirty to me

One hour, I really just can't believe it isn't something you are willing to give.

You say that inner pain is harmless because it doesn't affect other people, but then I tell you what true inner pain feels like and you ostracise me for it and make me feel like I am mental or you think I am going to hurt you or something.

Im so shocked

H: I'm out with friends at the moment. I feel trapped honestly

M: there is 11.5 more hours left of the day.

H: I feel that if I see you this is continue and will be a vicious circle

M: this is a wway more vicious way to leave things than seeing me for an hour to part amacably would be. do you know how scarred I am going to feel for this? I am embarrased and ashamed that I shared smething so personal and this is the consequenc. I feel sick about it, I will have to carry this wih me because you are too scared to face the uncomfortablity of feeling trapped enough to just come say goodbye and part on good terms.

H: You're jumping to conclusions

M: No, I am telling you how I feel. You don't want to see me today to give me the reasurance i need because the way I have acted has made you feel trapped. your decision is a consequence to my actions.

H: I would like to come and make you feel better but how you're acting comes across to me  as  manipulative

M: You just said that you don't want to come over because this is too much for you? I am not being manipulative, I am saying it honestly from my perspective. I am being bias because I know that you coming over would make me feel better going forward than you not coming over, so I am really fighting for it, but I am not being manipulative or using trickery to do so, I am trying to be completely honest and open with why I feel so strongly to the point where I feel like I need you to come over

I am not trying to get my way because I want to win and I hate not getting my way. I am trying to encourage you to come over because I am aware of what you have to lose by coming over is a lot less to lose than what I would if you don't come over. I want you to take that risk and I am trying to convey exactly what it is that I feel so you are able to have the full considerations of both sides when you are weighing up if you come over or not. That is not manipulative, it is my reality.

What time can you please come around?

please?

Please please

Pleeeeeeeeeeeese

It is really important to me

H: I may be able to pop round later. But don't hold out on plans. Is your friend coming over tonight?

M: I haven't heard from them but this is important to me so I can fit it in before or after they come over. It's my old flatmate and we are doing some coding so he will be gone by 7ish anyways

you think it would be before or after 7?

H: I think I'm going to struggle to make it today tbh

M: Why? You're in control of your own life, right? So can't you just fit an hour in somewhere?

H: Can we just talk on the phone and then have a proper chat next week

M: I told you, that won't work for me. Honestly I really can't grasp why you won't be able to make it? You have deemed something else more important, that's fine, but that's what it is

H: As it's a lot of change in just 24hrs. One minute you're happy to go and hang out and sleep with someone else (which is cool) and the next you're saying we have to meet today. If you're feeling really shitty I will take time out of my day to help you and speak to you on the phone as want to do that. What can I possibly do in an hour that'll settle you?

M: Its not really much change in 24hours, I have been telling you since weds how rough I was finding things, then you cancelled on Thursday, and then fri i tried to find something else to distract me, and today was just to much. I can't explain what would happen but I know myself to know it will help, please don't try and convince me it won't.

H: Your emotions seem to be really affected by me and it's freaking me out

M: they are not about you. if you want to be freked out and turn this into something about you, that is fine. I told you going in who I am, how I think, I sent you videos that explain why It think how I do, why it's not personal, and how it can be confusing. I have been completely honest and you told me I could trust you, now when it actually matters, you bail. That is really weak, I feel. I am weak within myself, but I try hard to be strong. I don't feel like you are trying at all to be strong for someone else and I am gutted I believed you

I know you want me to give you an out, to say something that goes a little too far so you can justify saying no to me, but I'm not going to do that. If you don't want to come round, that isn't because of me, it is because you don't want to

H: I don't want you  to say that

M: Don't want me to say what?

H: Say something harsh so I have an excuse

M: So tell me that you don't want to come round, or come round? i don't understand why it is complicated?

H: I wanted to come round. But I feel if I come round you will want me to help you and calm you down a lot. I don't think I can be that person to be relied on, I'm finding it tough now as it is. I don't think I can help you on the long runI think you need someone better than me and more well suited. And I know you're going to say we're just friends and I just need to calm down but why out of all your friends do you want me specifically to come over and help? I don't want you to feel shitty and I genuinely do want to help but I think I've already done more damage than I even meant to

M: Can you just trust me please and come round. You are making assumptions on how you think I am but honestly your assumptions are wrong. please, please just take a chance, trust me, and come around. Please Name. I don't have other friends I can talk to because I talk to people and they freak out and I lose them, so I don't talk to them - I thought you were different because you could handle what I was telling you, you didn't take it personally, you were mindful about it. I am getting help, you know I am, so you aren;t going to be my long term fix but you need to understand that if you are making the choice to not come around, it is for you, to look after yourself, not me. You aren't allowed to make decisions for me, I don't need "looking after", I need the benefit of the doubt that I do know what is best for me.

H: What is up that you seriously need to talk about? I will come if you just tell me

M: I just need the human connection, Name. Fuck, I can't explain it, I don't want you to have to convince you, I just need a person so I am not alone, just for one hour I just want to feel safe

I want to feel like I matter, that someone wants to be around me. I want a physical person being the evidence that my thoughts about myself and where I stand on this earth are a lie, I dont know how to put it in words, I just need it.

H: I don't understand as your friend is coming around in like an hour or two

M: Theyre not, I haven't heard from them, and its not the same. You said if I told you the truth, that you would come around, I told you the truth. 

Are you coming around or was my truth not a good enough reason for you?

"I will come if you just tell me"

And I told you.

Please?

H: I said I'll come if you tell me, so I’ll come over.

And he did. Poor guy, amirite? I feel so embarrassed and gross about this all, it is exactly why I am getting treatment because it is too much for me and the people around me to have to live with. 

This is me with some sense of awareness, you can only imagine how bad it used to be when I was completely ignorant to myself. A wake of distruction, I have just had so many incomprehensible actions and reactions in my past that will make you want to shake me and yell “WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU??”

With time, I hope to cover them all. 

The worst thing about BPD is feeling alone, I don’t want anyone else to feel alone, so if you can identify with me, please follow me and also share any resources you have that can help point me in the right direction for a happy life.

To prevent this from happening again, I think I am going to write a list of “crisis activities” as things I can do when I feel like I have nothing to do, but right now it is 12.40pm Sunday, I only have to be awake for 7 more hours until I can go to sleep for Monday and I don’t want to have to keep working on it. So, I think I am going to get day drunk.

[phoenixrising-spn-blog]

Close to Human || Past Para

“Shut up, Dean,” Phoenix said, reaching back to push him, before rolling her eyes. “These people might be old, but they can still hear you, goddammit. You’re such an ass sometimes.” She whispered, walking through the halls of the old folks home. Their latest little mission and hunting trip, was leading them to a place where old people were being drained of what was left of their memories and humanity. She hated being around the old and the sick, just as Dean did, but she knew better than to say anything about it. Politeness apparently wasn’t in the man’s DNA. As they walked through the rooms, she heard someone call her by a name that she hadn’t heard in many years. 

“Nixie....?” Said the voice, so familiar...and yet so different. She stopped in her tracks, her eyes faraway as she remembered the last time someone had called her by that name. She backtracked and ran into the room behind her and to her left. And there she was...the girl, old woman now, that had changed the course of Phoenix’s life forever. 

“Gerta...?” She said, hearing Dean and Sam say something to one another.

1936

Phoenix stood at the door of the small apartment in Germany, her bag in hand a concerned look on her face. She’d seen an ad in the local newspaper which had been advertising for the services of a full time nanny to take care of their infant daughter. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach and she almost turned tail and ran before she knocked on the door. She wasn’t supposed to be here. She was supposed to be doing her job of reaping the souls who were worthy enough of Valhalla, and yet here she was, trying to pass herself off as human. Phoenix had been studying them from afar, and she figured now was a good a time as any to make a life of her own. She was so incredibly curious about the people whose souls she had reaped so many times. Finally, she bit hard on her lip and reached up to knock on the door. She would be going by the alias of ‘Nixie’, a common name of those who came from America in the 1930′s. She thought it gave her a kind of carefree vibe and it sure as hell would fit in better than Phoenix would. 

The door before her opened, and the woman on the other side was holding a baby. She looked exhausted, like she hadn’t slept in days and Phoenix gave the woman a genuine smile. “Hello. I’m here for the nanny position? We spoke over telegram?” She asked, holding out her hand for the woman to shake. As a Valkyrie, she’d been trained in all the languages of mankind and German flowed freely from her lips as if she’d spoken it over and over. That was wont to happen when you’d been alive for almost 2 thousand years. “Is that your baby girl? Her name is Gerta, yes?” She asked, letting go of her bag and holding her hands out. “You seem like you have your hands full...let me take her for you,” she offered. The woman gratefully handed her over, and the moment Phoenix felt the warmth of the little body next to hers, she knew she’d never let anything happen to her. How was it that humans could produce these tiny creatures? “Hello, Gerta. My name is Nixie...” She said, watching the girl reach out towards her face. 

Gerta’s mother reached out toward her bag and pulled it into the residence. “We have a room for you so that you may live with us. You will have to pay for your room and board, obviously, on top of taking care of Gerta. Lord knows in these times of war, we mothers need more help than we used to, what with out husbands being away most of the time.” Gerta giggled as Phoenix tickled her and the woman, her name was Lily, smiled in response. “She’s taken quite a liking to you...she doesn’t usually like strangers.” Phoenix shook her head, in disbelief that she’d actually had the guts to do something like this-- What would Freyja say when she found out? But looking at Gerta’s little face, Phoenix knew that no matter what, it was worth it. “I’m glad she has...looks like she and I will get along just fine.”

7 years later

Phoenix had fully settled into her life at the littlest house on the street. She’d been there for Gerta’s first steps, her first words, her first day of schooling. But as time passed and the war grew more vicious, she worried about the fate of her newfound family. They were taking the Jews now, putting them on trains like cattle and shipping them to some kind of camps. Every single day, Phoenix had to watch as more and more people were sent to Ghettos, people she’d come to know and grown fond of. Not long after taking the job, she’d realized that this family was part of that group, and the thought of it made her stomach turn. She’d made a vow the day she’d shown up here, that she would never let anything happen to any of them, and especially to Gerta. So she started to devise a plan. In the night, Phoenix would sneak away and fly to the top most point of the highest building overlooking the city. The more people got deported, the more she started to panic. 

That’s when she called her mother. 

As soon as she sent out the message, Freyja appeared in front of her, a calm but reserved look on her face. “I was beginning to think you’d abandoned myself and your sisters completely. You wouldn’t be the first one, you know? To side with human kind?” Phoenix dropped her head for just a moment before lifting her chin and facing her head on. 

“Have you seen what’s been going on here on Midgard? Surely, this has to be Ragnarok, Mother. People putting each other in camps, the death chambers, the trains full of people who did nothing more than have a different point of view from the fucking craziest man in any of the realms.” She started, taking a step forward. “Why have you sent no Valkyrie to help these people? Why aren’t we doing something to fix this?”

Freyja stayed calm and collected, tilting her head to the side. “We do not interfere. You know the rules better than anyone else here does because you helped me to make them and enforce them. This, despite your little notes and observations, is no where close to Ragnarok.” Her eyes trained on Phoenix with a mix of annoyance and real concern. “You need to come home, to your real family. You need to leave them behind...who are they to you? You are immortal, you are basically a God. Their lives are a blink compared to the lives we live--why have you chosen to side with a human family, a human lifespan, when you know the outcome? We do not interfere,” she repeated. 

Phoenix reached up to put her hands on either side of her head, trying to figure out something to say back. “Then...help me. Please, help me get them safely out of this place, somewhere across the border where these soldiers and the camps will not be able to get a hold of them. If you do that, I will willingly come back home and leave them behind. Please.” She begged, her hazel eyes searching her mother’s face. “You have compassion or you wouldn’t have created Valhalla in the first place. These are good people, and Gerta is only 7 years old. Please help me get them out of this place. I’m asking you, as your daughter.”

Instead of answering she shook her head once from side to side. All begging and pleading ceased from Phoenix. “I made a promise to this family the day I met them and told them that I would never let anything happen to their daughter. If you won’t help me, I’ll do it myself.” Freyja almost looked forlorn. “If you choose these humans over us, you can never return. You know the rules of our kind. We watch, we reap, we train. You have one chance to help them, and then you come home. If you choose not to come home, then you may never return.” Phoenix tried so hard to keep tears out of her eyes. “I can’t be responsible for the death of these people...of that little girl. Maybe it was stupid of me to come and make a life on Midgard...to get so attached to these people in this place, and yes, it makes no sense to you or my sisters, but I made a vow. And you know that I always stand by my word.” She took a deep breath and ruffled her wings. “I have to go. The soldiers could be there at any moment and I don’t want them to be alone if that happens. I’m sorry to disappoint you, mother. Tell the girls I love them.”

As Phoenix walked through the front door, she was already barking orders. “The soldiers are down the street, they’re taking more people to the ghetto and they are heading here. Pack your bags, pack anything important to you, I’m going to get you the hell out of here.” She helped to pack Gerta’s things, before coming to a realization. If Freyja wouldn’t help...perhaps someone else would. Without another thought, she prayed to the only Angel she’d ever been able to get along with. Castiel...if you can hear me...please help me. I’ve done you many a favor, and now I’m calling one in...Please hurry, Phoenix prayed, her hazel eyes shut tight. She felt a whoosh of air behind her and a sigh of relief came from her lips. 

“Hello, Phoenix...what do you need from me?” He asked, his deep voice quiet as he spoke. “This family...my family...they’re going to be taken to the ghetto. I need to get them out. You are the only person I know that can pop in and out of wherever you want. I could get them out, but I can’t fly 3 different people around without drawing attention. I need you to take them out of Germany, to America, maybe. I don’t care. Take them somewhere they will be safe. And erase their memories of you. Okay?” Before she finished that thought, the family gathered in the living room, Gerta was holding tight to the doll that Phoenix had made her almost 3 years ago. They all looked to scared, and that’s when she approached them, trying her best to smile. “This is where we part ways...wherever you go, I cannot come with you.” Both John and Linda were shocked, and Gerta started to cry. “Listen to me, okay?” She reached for Gerta and pulled her close. “I want to thank you for taking me in and making me feel like a part of your family. Please remember, that no matter what happens, and no matter if we see each other again, you taught me what it meant to be part of a real family. When you get to where you’re going, tell no one your real names, and no one that you are Jewish.”

She knelt down to Gerta. “Listen to me closely, okay? When you get to your new home, I want you to live, okay? I want you to do well in school, I want you to grow up and live your life. Fall in love, fall out of love, get your heart broken, and rebroken again. Get married to someone whom you love and who loves you, have babies. I need to know that no matter where you end up, you’ll do those things. Promise me, Gerta.” She said, not able to hide her tears any longer. She pulled the girl into a hug and shut her eyes, tears falling down her face. “I don’t want to leave you, Nixie.” Gerta said, her own tears staining Phoenix’s dress. “Shh...it’s going to be okay. Go with Castiel. He’ll make sure you get to where you’re going safe and sound. Before you know it...you’ll have a whole new life.” She squeezed Gerta. “I love you, little girl. Always remember that.”

Present Day

Dean and Sam watched attentively as Gerta and Phoenix told them their story. Just as she’d asked Castiel, she had barely any memory of how she and her family got out of Germany. Thank the Gods for that. As Phoenix knelt down next to Gerta’s chair, she took her hands, the hands that had been so small and so trusting into her own and let a tear fall down her cheek, a smile on her features. The old woman reached for a photo album and gave it to Phoenix. “I did just what you asked, Nixie. See?” She pointed to a picture of her graduation, her wedding, her children at various ages. Many times, Phoenix had wondered if she had done the right thing by Gerta and her family, always wondering what their life turned out to be like and if they’d made it through the other side. To see her here as an old woman, was so overwhelmingly beautiful. “Sometimes I wondered if my family and I dreamed of you. How are you still so young? I’m this old woman now...and yet you look the same as the Nixie that left me in Germany. Still so beautiful.” 

She felt Sam’s hand on her shoulder and she looked over at the boys who were giving her sympathetic smiles. Dean leaned toward Sam and uttered, “Dude...” 

A nurse came into the room, announcing that visiting time was over and Phoenix looked back at Greta dismayed. “But...I just found you...” She muttered. The old woman took her hand, her eyes so familiar, the eyes she’d stared into as the little girl had grown from an infant to a young girl. “I never got to thank you, Nixie. If it hadn’t been for you, my kids and grandkids would never have been born. You gave me that. Even if you had to leave me...you gave me the most wonderful gift. My life would have probably ended had you not been part of our family.” Phoenix got up and wrapped her arms around the feeble old woman, basking in the hug for a moment. 

Before Phoenix got to the door, Gerta called her back for only a moment. “I knew there was magic in this world. And Nixie...? I love you too.”