#Evil and broken and cruel and selfish and HAHA. you know. The usual | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

seafoam-taide · 2 months

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You know I thought for awhile that I was just a rare type of person who sure, liked people well enough but was okay being alone didn't necessarily need anyone and NO. NO. NO. OH MY GOD . YOU GIANT DUMBASS. NO HAHAHA NOOO NOPE

#tide of consciousness #See what was confusing me is usually when people talk about life partner they mean romantically sexually #And also I have yet to meet someone who gets me in the way I want someone to get me <- I think <- good chance I have and squandered it #<- that may be the evil brain talking though #But anyway so I was misconstruing the fact that the people I know and like currently are not people I want to spend my life with #With the idea that there is no one and no chance I will ever want that #And also heteronormative allo society despite my best efforts Is in my brain #And I'm only just realizing how badly I would really like to find a person or maybe people who do make me feel like. I could want that #The idea that there could be someone out there that I would want to spend my time and space with forever is mind blowing #Because honestly and this is of course the mental illness but I have kind of been under the assumption that maybe I am just like. Weeell #Evil and broken and cruel and selfish and HAHA. you know. The usual #Because you know only recently I got my first taste of 'a person is actively choosing you and wants you over all things'#And then I fucked that up because that was my first time believing anyone could care about me and you know you always fuck that one up #And that sucked and is still in the process of sucking but it has also made me realize #That there is actually a way that I would want that. Maybe #Like in a way that worked. I'd really like to have a person like that maybe #And honestly that's a nightmare to have to realize #Because before it was like hey! I guess I just don't have to worry about that!#And now I'm like FUCK. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS #because special secret I've never actively tried to connect to people in my life ever #I don't know how you do that! I don't know how to actively form relationships!#I just wait for someone to grab me and pull me along! It's terrifying to think about trying to discover that #AT 20!#I know it's not unusual especially in this day and age in fact it's kind of an epidemic #But you're supposed to learn how to socialize when you're a little tiny baby!!! I don't want to figure this out now I can't even get a job!#Fucking shit that's a lot of words um #Every 6 months I remember that I'm deeply deeply deeply lonely and it's the worst and then I wilfully ignore it until I rediscover it again #Every day I discover a new layer to how utterly wretchedly self loathing my brain is and its the worst #Peeling back a layer of paint and surprise! You've subconsciously thought you were fine being alone because secretly you believe #That it is impossible for you to be anything but alone! Yay!

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