#and acrylics are fun in their own ways

[bmpmp3]

I WANNA get back into painting so heres a little gouache picture

[vetyr]

hi, i ireally love your work and i don't know if you've answered this before but, what kinds of studies do you do or how did you learn color theory? i wanna get better at rendering and anatomy but im having trouble TT TT

Hi! Long answer alert. Once a chatterbox, always a chatterbox.

When I started actively learning how to draw about 10 1/2 years ago, I exclusively did graphite studies in sketchbooks. Here's a few examples—I mostly stuck to doing line drawings to drill basic shapes/contours and proportions into my brain. The more rendered sketches helped me practice edge control & basic values, and they were REALLY good for learning the actual 3D structure behind what I was drawing.

I'd use reference images that I grabbed from fitness forums, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, and some NSFW places, but you could find adequate ref material from figure drawing sites like Line of Action. LoA has refs for people (you can filter by clothed/unclothed, age, & gender), animals, expressions, hands/feet, and a few other useful things as well. Love them.

Learning how to render digitally was a similar story; it helped a lot that I had a pretty strong foundation for value/anatomy going in. I basically didn't touch color at all for ~2 years (except for a few attempts at bad digital or acrylic paint studies), which may not have been the best idea. I learned color from a lot of trial and error, honestly, and I'm pretty sure this process involved a lot of imitation—there were a number of digital/traditional painters whose styles I really wanted to emulate (notably their edge control, color choices, value distributions, and shape design), so I kiiind of did a mixture of that + my own experimentation.

For example, I really found Benjamin Björklund's style appealing, especially his softened/lost edges & vibrant pops of saturated color, so here's a study I did from some photograph that I'm *pretty* sure was painted with him in mind.

Learning how to detail was definitely a slow process, and like all the aforementioned things (anatomy/color/edge control/values/etc.) I'm still figuring it out. Focusing on edge control first (that is, deciding on where to place hard/soft edges for emphasizing/de-emphasizing certain areas of the image) is super useful, because you can honestly fool a viewer into thinking there's more detail in a piece than there actually is if you're very economical about where you place your hard edges.

The most important part, to me, is probably just doing this stuff over and over again. You're likely not going to see improvement in a few weeks or even a few months, so don't fret about not getting the exact results you want and just keep studying + making art. I like to think about learning art as a process where you *need* to fail and make crappy art/studies—there's literally no way around it—so you might as well fail right now. See, by making bad art you're actually moving forward—isn't that a fun prospect!!

It's useful to have a folder with art you admire, especially if you can dissect the pieces and understand why you like them so much. You can study those aspects (like, you can redraw or repaint that person's work) and break down whether this is art that you just like to look at, or if it's the kind of art that you want to *make.* There's a LOT of art out there that I love looking at, probably tens of thousands of styles/mediums, but there's a very narrow range that I want to make myself.

I've mentioned it in some ask reply in the past, but I really do think looking at other artist's work is such a cheat code for improving your own skills—the other artist does the work to filter reality/ideas for you, and this sort of allows you to contact the subject matter more directly. I can think of so many examples where an artist I admired exaggerated, like, the way sunlight rested on a face and created that orange fringe around its edge, or the greys/dull blues in a wheat field, or the bright indigo in a cast shadow, or the red along the outside of a person's eye, and it just clicked for me that this was a very available & observable aspect of reality, which had up until that point gone completely unnoticed! If you're really perceptive about the art you look at, it's shocking how much it can teach you about how to see the world (in this particular case I mean this literally, in that the art I looked at fully changed the way I visually processed the world, but of course it has had a strong effect on my worldviews/relationships/beliefs).

Thanks so much for sending in a question (& for reading, if you got this far)! I read every single ask I receive, including the kind words & compliments, which I genuinely always appreciate. Best of luck with learning, my friend :)

[messyoungie]

hobbies to consider for 2025

・゜゜・．⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊✩₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆.𖥔. ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.

painting

gouache, watercolor, acrylic… there’s so many things for you to try and it’s super easy to get started!

clay

sculpt rlly cute charms, dishes, and whatever else!!

scrapbooking

great way to look back on memories and lets you get rlly creative with it

journaling

my personal favorite ♡. so many different ways to go about it. you can have a bullet journal, book journal, cooking journal, movie journal. or, simply a diary to write about your thoughts and days. you can decorate your spreads with stickers and washi tape or keep it simple.

crocheting

there are so many things you could make, from tops to plushies. there are a lot of cute tutorials and free designs available online!

baking

this one may or may not be as easy as the other ones I’ve mentioned depending on the recipe but learning how to cook or bake makes for a great New Year’s resolution!

puzzles

there are a ton of different puzzles out there ranging from different skill level, so you can challenge your brain as much as you’d like!

sewing

whether you want to learn how to hand sew or use a sewing machine, to tailor clothes you already have or make your own pieces, sewing can be a fun and impressive skill to have.

playing an instrument

guitar, violin, piano, clarinet, drums— there are a ton of options for you to choose from and plenty of online resources :)

reading

reading can be a great way to learn more or be a better form of entertainment compared to social media and television. whether you want to educate yourself on different topics, discover a new genre of novels, or are interested in comics— reading is one of those hobbies where there’s something in it for everyone, regardless of what they’re looking for.

jewelry making

bracelets or necklaces, whatever it is you want to make the materials are easy to find, as well as tutorials and references.

bicycling

having an outside hobby is very important imo, and bicycling is one of those hobbies that lets you be as relaxed or intense as you’d like.

yoga

I think this is a great one, with yoga the focus doesn’t have to be looking a certain way or going super hard— it’s just about relaxing. there’s no pressure.

[mysticetus]

i present to you my blind kieran AU where he lost his eyes when he got kidnapped and interrogated by the o'driscolls but he got rescued...

i have a bunch of notes about it i put under the cut.

ive had fun researching disability history and also how each disabled person finds their own solutions and methods.

white canes weren't properly invented until the 1920s but he would pretty quickly start using a cane and likes finding good sticks (+ different sizes for different things).

he already couldn't read when he was sighted so not much changes there but mary beth would learn about braille and teach him i feel like she would be into it shes nerdy.

the gang seems to hold an attitude of acceptance for societal outcasts and find ways of survival in harsh circumstances so he would be in good company i think.

being blind doesn't impair his fishing that much because fishing doesn't rely on sight and hes got a little bell on the rod (sighted fishermen use this too).

HORSE: he can still ride and care for horses. it's so cool seeing all the stuff blind equestrians do. horse is a lot of tactile and smells and stuff and it's more about bond than anything. Bro's best friend is his horse i think branwen would be a great companion for outings.

despite a glass eye making a slightly plot-relevant appearance in rdr1 kieran wouldn't bother with one. these days prosthetic eyes are made of acrylic and are much more comfortable but in his era they were delicate and uncomfortable. i imagine arthur looting a glass eye off a body and giving it to kieran, asking him how it feels, and kieran's like "it feels like i have a rock in my face." and he never wears it again lol.

reblogs are greatly appreciated :)

[storiesoflilies]

hiraeth

synopsis: the story of two broken souls trying to heal themselves by finding solace in each other and the mysteries of the universe, until shadows from the past threaten everything. the follow up to metanoia. w.c: 18.5k.

pairings: toji fushiguro x f!reader / satoru gojo x f!reader.

warnings: ANGST! sfw, descriptions of grief, mentions of death, the healing journey, a touch of satosugu vibes. there are fluff and wholesome moments, i promise.

a/n: it’s finally here! just in time for me n my most beloved blorbo’s birthday :3 i hope you all enjoy this story, and that the ending is everything you’ve been hoping for. it’s been so fun returning to this au! @gothsuguru this one’s for you bestie <3

art / art / divider / playlist / ao3

there was a certain comfort to be found in absolute silence.

it was warm, precious, and free from any judgement in a way that nothing else in the world could be. at that time, to be consumed in its invisible, molten core of gold felt wonderful. her mind was free from all the music and the dancing numbers and the scratching of the angels’ quills on their scrolls.

and it was silent when toji fushiguro left her.

so maybe, it was in silence that he would come back to her.

that’s what she wanted to believe.

but it was all nothing but a foolish, hopeless dream of a lover.

she could not recall most of that summer, no matter how hard she tried. it was lost in a haze of salty tears and the smoke of dreamless sleep. but she remembered the dull ache in her bones, the heaviness pressing down on her chest, crushing her cracking, splintering spine into the bed.

she had no fight in her to resist any of it – not anymore.

there wasn’t much she could do but lie there, like ice melting against the salt of her dried tears, seeping into every stitch and loose thread in the sheets.

there wasn’t much of the world left anymore, either.

there was only a white ceiling and the yellowing, dirty bed linens. the steady drip! drip! drip! of the kitchen sink, and the dull smell of a very tired, stale room that she couldn’t even recall ever holding any happiness within its walls.

everything that had once made her who she had already dissipated long ago into the atmosphere, leaving nothing behind but the white noise that filled her ears with the silent screams of angels.

let them.

let them scream, let them cry.

she hated them all.

she hated the green tea she used to drink, and the stupid, big ceramic mugs she had poured it into, and all the numbers and letters that led her here, and vanilla ice cream dripping down, down, down onto the pavement, and shaving razors and–

a violent sob caught in her throat, nearly choking her on her own admission.

that she hated toji fushiguro too.

she didn’t even have to try and solve for any sort of equation to arrive to that answer.

somebody, please help me.

and that was all she remembered of that summer, before her phone lit up with a call.

| Φ |

“i can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

| Φ |

the cafe hadn’t changed much at all over the summer.

there was some new artwork done by students at the university hanging on the walls. they were all different sizes and colors, with no particular theme connecting any of them to each other. there was also a new bell hanging above the the entrance door. it was a much louder bell, not at all delicate or mellow like the last one.

she much preferred it that way.

there were too many memories in the old one’s tune.

she was currently staring holes into a piece of art hanging on the wall behind the cash register. it was hard to decipher if there was supposed to be any hidden meaning beneath the seemingly random swirls of red and bold blue brushstrokes of what looked like oil paint to her. no, maybe it was acrylic?

she clicked her tongue, already giving up on trying to guess.

a customer entered the shop, and she was sharply reminded of what her manager had said to her not even an hour ago.

“don’t forget to smile sometimes, yeah?”

they had said it sympathetically – sheepishly, even – because it came from a place of shameful embarrassment of having to even say it in the first place. of course, she knew they meant well, but it was the not so hidden implication of it all that echoed through her head like the memory of the old bell above the door.

she wasn’t who she used to be anymore, and she certainly wasn’t doing very well at all.

and everyone had seemed to notice.

she swallowed down the stone stuck in her throat and quickly went about making the customer’s order, forcing a smile on her face in the hopes it would just make him go away faster. it wasn’t fair to the customer, she knew that, but she couldn’t help how she felt.

any sort of human interaction was just so unbelievably tiresome for her now.

towards the end of the summer, she made the split-second decision to pursue a master’s degree in physics. she didn’t know what else to do, but two things were certain: she couldn’t go back home, and she couldn’t bring herself to find a proper job. her mind was far too numb for either of those things, lost in a fog that weighed down heavy on her entire being. she had no energy to network or put up false pleasantries to build any sort of meaningful connections both in and out of the workplace.

so, when she got the call back from her manager that she could stay on at the cafe, everything seemed to conveniently fall into place. no one could argue with what she was doing. she was furthering her education and saving more money by taking the course part-time.

and that was exactly what she wanted – to be bothered as little as possible.

deep breath in…

as she handed the customer his order in a pale-green styrofoam cup.

and out.

that was how she got through every interaction, day after day.

because if she could survive for long enough, then maybe – just maybe – she could begin to claw her way out of the crumbling black hole of obsidian she was buried under.

she hoped.

the doorbell rang out loudly.

she looked up sharply, and put on the best smile that she could muster, so much that her cheeks almost hurt.

it was the owner of the shop.

what– why are they here?

and then, a star walked in.

she sucked in a breath.

no, it was just a boy. a boy who looked like a star that had just fallen down from the heavens. all blues and pearly, fluffy hair and teeth shining in the brightest, most perfect smile she had ever seen in her whole life. he must have been born from a blue nebula, she thought, because he was so wonderfully rare, unlike anything or anybody else at all.

she could have sworn she heard the sound of a quill tapping against the side of an ink pot.

| Φ |

“you don’t have share anything you don’t want to. just say whatever feels right for you.”

| Φ |

the boy’s name was satoru gojo, and he was the owner’s nephew.

“he’s just transferred from a university in tokyo,” they’d said, with a proud, hushed reverence in their voice when they whispered the last word.

she could only nod along silently, pretending to be impressed, while all she was really thinking was why on earth he would transfer from a probably prestigious university to come here of all places.

it didn’t really matter; satoru was here now.

and he was her new colleague.

the extra interactions she had to handle on a daily basis were absolutely bone wearying. teaching him how to use the coffee machine, where all the ingredients and cleaning supplies were kept, and how to lock up the cafe for the night. it was all just too much; she hadn’t signed up for any of this. the next two years were supposed to be as easy as they possibly could be.

but more than anything, it was satoru and his irritatingly perky attitude that got on her nerves the most.

it wasn’t fair to him at all, and she knew it, but she couldn’t help the nagging, grating annoyance he made her feel. his chirpy voice was like nails on a chalkboard, scraping away at her already thin patience. and then there was him, with his stupidly good looks that made every customer that came in through the door do a double take.

more than that, it was the way satoru had the gall to pretend he didn’t enjoy it – when he obviously did.

no, that wasn’t the worst thing of all.

it was the way that satoru persistently attempted to get to know her. it confused her to no end, haphazardly cutting through the endless haze of brain fog, because she couldn’t understand for the life of her why someone like him would ever want to know someone like her.

“so,” he began one day, the autumn sunset filtering through the window. “you study physics too?”

too?

her manager must have been running their mouth, again.

she cleared her throat, putting down the damp cloth she’d been using to clean the cash register. “yeah, uh– you too, huh?”

satoru smiled that signature lopsided smile of his. “second year.”

when she only nodded silently, picking up her cloth again to silently signal she wasn’t interested in continuing conversation, he pressed on anyways. “yeah, i heard you’re doing your master’s now too. you must be really enjoying it.”

the last part was more of a question than a statement to her.

“sure,” she replied flatly, perhaps even snappily, and satoru’s smile faltered slightly.

a strange pang of guilt struck her that only got worse as the silence between them stretched on uncomfortably. she squirmed in her seat, aggressively rubbing her cloth between every nook and cranny of the register, while satoru busied himself cleaning the coffee machine, uncharacteristically quiet.

finally, she couldn’t stand the awkwardness anymore, and put down her cloth with a sigh as she swiveled in her seat to face him.

“so, are you enjoying it?” she asked quietly, her gaze dropping to the dried skin around her cuticles.

“sorry, what?”

“are you enjoying your course?”

“oh, yeah i am, actually,” he replied, a twinkle in his cerulean eyes as he laughed heartily. she suddenly felt quite warm. “i’m quite the genius.”

“oh, really?”

from then on, he wouldn’t – or, rather he couldn’t – shut up about it. it was like the floodgates had opened, and he went on about anything and everything that sprang to his mind. how he was planning on solving all the unknown theories of the universe, like he was planning on plucking the answers straight from the stars. the more she listened to him, watching the way his lips moved animatedly, the more she believed that if anybody could do it, it was him.

strangely enough, she found that she actually liked listening to satoru gojo talk.

but what struck her the most was how he was like her – and more. she knew that if he wanted to become one of the greats, he would.

if he wasn’t already, that is.

for the first time in what felt like years, she felt her lips curve into a genuine smile.

| Φ |

“it’s okay to cry. you’re really brave for coming here, and i know it’s not easy taking this first step.”

| Φ |

they started studying together at the cafe during the quiet afternoons that stretched into the evenings.

there was the air of familiarity to it all, the same aura of memories she had of doing the same thing not so long ago with a vastly different boy. it brought an unbearably searing heat of anxiety straight to her stomach. she tried her best to shove those feelings deep down into a pit of pebbles, zoning out often and long enough that satoru would frantically wave his palm in front of her eyes.

“you’re doing it again,” he said, his head tilted, a heavy hardback textbook split open in his lap.

she blinked once, shook her head a little, and lightly tapped her cheek twice. “sorry,” she mumbled, then took a few sips from her mug of bitter black coffee, which had long since gone cold.

green tea was something she hasn’t touched since, well, that day.

satoru looked at her for a moment too long, a strange look crossing his face that she couldn’t decipher, before he buried his nose back in the book on his lap.

the sun had set quite some time ago, and the beginning of winter was already making the days so much shorter. only the warm glow of pale orange lamps filled the cafe, bathing anyone inside in a warm, cozy glow. there were no customers at the moment, much to her relief, probably because it was still the beginning of the semester and the students weren’t in cramming mode just yet.

another hot bubble of anxiety churned in her stomach, and she fought to keep from wincing as her heart started to race.

“so, how are you finding that book?” she blurted out, trying to distract herself.

satoru hummed thoughtfully. “it’s good, thanks for letting me borrow it. you’ve got good taste.”

she snorted, though it was somewhat strained, forced. “hah! well, thank you, i suppose.”

he looked up at her again, and she felt herself shrink just a little. she could never get used to his eyes no matter how hard she tried. they were unlike anything she had ever seen before, and the longer she stared into them, the more it felt like they multiplied into six eyes. it felt like he could see right through her and rummage through the mess of broken heartstrings and glass inside her, and know everything that had ever happened to her – and everything that ever would.

was he an angel?

maybe he was the one who had been trying to solve her equation this whole time.

she almost laughed at that.

don’t be ridiculous.

“you’re too good at this, you know?” satoru suddenly stated, closing the book over with one of his fingers wedged between the pages he had been reading.

she frowned. “what do you mean? physics?”

“yeah. you’re like me, you have a gift for all this. even when you don’t really care about it, you’re still good at it.”

she picked the edge of her finger. “i-uh, wait, what do you mean i don’t care about it anymore? i obviously do. i’m doing a masters for fuck’s sake.”

she didn’t know why she felt the need to lie about it or why she suddenly felt so defensive.

he was hitting a nerve, and he knew it.

satoru gave her a look, a smug smirk on his lips. “no, you don’t.”

“i do!”

“no. you don’t.”

“yes actually, i do.”

“you’re lying.”

“no, i’m not! why would i lie?”

“i dunno, you tell me.”

damn you, satoru gojo.

she bit her lip to stop it from wobbling. satoru’s face crumbled like tumbling stones, and his book dropped to the floor with a loud bang.

“hey, hey,” he rushed, standing up and nearly knocking his chair over behind him. “hey, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean- fuck! i’m so sorry.”

the delicate skin of her lip throbbed from how hard she was biting it, and she was sure it would bruise by tomorrow morning. she swallowed thickly, avoiding satoru and those stupid, all-seeing eyes of his.

“it’s fine,” she muttered, hoping the tears gathering in the corner of her eye wouldn’t spill in front of him. “i-uh, let’s just get ready to close, okay?”

satoru frowned, rubbing the back of his neck like he wasn’t sure what exactly he wanted to do.

in the end, he said nothing at all.

they quietly packed up their things, locked the door, and the bell sang them a sad goodbye tune as they walked their separate ways into the night.

| Φ |

“so, your friend told you to come here?”

“i-uh, more like made me. sorry.”

| Φ |

being alone wasn’t so unbearable for her anymore.

but it still wasn’t good.

she’d moved out of the two-bedroom apartment she’d shared with her old roommate soon after starting her master's. there was no point in paying for an extra room, and she certainly didn’t feel like living in close quarters with another human being. so, she moved into a studio apartment in the building next door.

it was… decent.

perfectly adequate, really. there was no peeling walls or mold anywhere, and it didn’t drain too much of her energy to keep it all somewhat clean. in the beginning, the smaller space was oddly comforting. she felt secure, like a little mouse in a tin box.

safer.

snugly enclosed within the walls of a home that hadn’t been tainted by old memories.

although, she still didn’t have much energy to cook. there had been too many things she'd wasted money on, too many things that had gone out of date that she had the unpleasant task of cleaning up before moving out. the employees at the 7-eleven across from the cafe had grown embarrassingly familiar with her as she bought cup after cup of instant ramen for her dinner every night for weeks during those first weeks after moving in.

one night, an employee – an older lady with obviously nothing better to do –finally said to her, “you know, there are fresh bento boxes on sale at the end of the day. it’s healthier than… this.”

she’d just sniffed at the woman, pushing her cup forward with a defiant jut of her chin. the lady had sighed, shaking her head as she scanned the noodles. when she arrived home, she took her shoes off and threw her keys onto the kitchen counter. she flicked the kettle on and walked over to her bed to change out of her clothes.

and that was when she saw it.

her reflection in the mirror.

god, she didn’t realize just how awful she looked. her skin was horrible, her eyes tired and sullen, probably from living off a diet of instant noodles with little to no water. she didn’t know why, but the sight shocked her to the core.

she knew she wasn’t doing well.

but, she just didn’t think she looked that tired.

from that night on, she bought the bento boxes on sale every night. the employee never bothered her again after that, just gave her a smug smile that told her everything she needed to know. the changes in her were small, barely noticeable, but it felt like a step in the right direction.

she hated to admit that the lady had been right.

but still, it wasnt a complete fix.

so here she was, quietly chewing on a bite of peppered beef and rice, doing her best to stifle her sobs as music played from the radio in the background.

she hadn’t meant to get so emotional, but it had gotten too overwhelming for her to handle. satoru and all his damn questions – why did this random boy from who knows where in the world manage to get under her skin so much? she barely even knew him at all. the only two things that tied them together was that cafe and physics, and even that was fragile at best.

it was almost like at the start with…

no.

she couldn’t even say his name in her head.

it was all absolutely pathetic – she was pathetic.

“even if you don’t really care about it, you’re still good at it.”

is that what her life was going to be from now on? living a lie? pretending that she cared about whatever it was she was doing, while on the inside, she was still falling down that infinite green hole the boy with a perfect scar on his lip had pushed her into.

she sniffled, tossing the now empty box into the bin.

when would it all end?

she just wanted to stop feeling so hopeless all the time. she wanted to be happy again, to hear the numbers and angels singing to her like they used to, to feel and be how she once was.

but everything was still so quiet.

and probably would be for a long time.

that was why being here, in her tiny box of a house, still felt like no home at all.

| Φ |

“do you want to start from the beginning?”

“not really, but sure.”

| Φ |

the next day, when she arrived at the cafe, satoru was already there waiting for her.

and he was so obviously nervous that it set her teeth on edge.

from the moment she caught sight of him from outside the window, she could tell something was off. he was behind the counter, his hands a blur as he poured coffee and punched the buttons on the cash register to hand customers their change. satoru must have been keeping an eye out for her, because the moment he spotted her through the glass, he froze.

a snowy deer caught in the headlights.

then, he gave her what was probably the most awkward, jerky wave she had ever recieved.

right up until she walked behind the counter to stand beside him, he was a jittery mess, his foot tapping incessantly as he waited for the two girls hovering in front the cash register to finish deciding what they wanted to have.

“hey!” he greeted, far too cheerily. his voice was a little high-pitched, a crack in it like chipped porcelain.

she blinked twice, slowly, as she tied a beige apron around her waist. “hi.”

one of the girls at the counter cleared her throat, clearly unimpressed that nobody was paying attention to them. satoru snapped back into reality, mumbled a half-hearted apology, and she hurriedly got started on making their drinks. meanwhile, satoru fumbled with the coins as one of the girls dropped them into his open palm.

this was all so unlike him.

he was always so smooth and confident, annoyingly so.

it felt almost wrong to see him like this.

but they continued in a fragile, comfortable silence, serving customers and cleaning up tables after they left. when it was golden hour and the shop was somewhat empty, satoru finally let out a great big breath, like he had been holding it in the whole time.

“sheesh!” he exclaimed, stretching his legs, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. “that was so busy. how did you used to do this all by yourself?”

she gave him an amused look. “well, it wasn’t this busy a year ago. it’s gotten much more popular.”

satoru grinned, but it was tight, forced. “really? must be because of you and your great service.”

she didn’t know what to say, but she snorted, somewhat amused.

“hey, so uh… about last night,” he started, already stumbling over his words, but she quickly held up a hand to stop him.

“it’s all good, satoru,” she said firmly, trying her hardest to still be gentle. “i didn’t mean to get so emotional, so i’m sorry about that.”

he stared at her for a heartbeat longer, and she felt a strange flutter in her chest. she couldn’t stand the feeling, and got right back to adding more pink mooncakes to the clear display box at the counter. this time, it was her turn to keep an eye on him. satoru was breathing rapidly, his chest puffing and falling quickly, a peach-pink blush dusting the tips of his ears.

he looked positively miserable.

like he was absolutely bursting to say something but was holding back.

she bit her lip. “are you okay?”

satoru froze, his hand pausing from refilling the jar for the lids for the takeaway cups.

“yeah, i just-” he swallowed thickly, not quite looking at her. “i’m really sorry about yesterday.”

“is that all? i promise you, satoru, it’s all good.”

satoru fidgeted, his fingers rapidly tapping against a white lid. for a moment, neither of them moved, the low hum of a handful of customers conversing filling the air. a cup clinked loudly against a saucer, shattering the tension between them, and he inhaled sharply.

“i’m sorry if i push you too much,” satoru said softly, like he wasn’t sure whether he should even say it at all. “i don’t mean to.”

a stab of guilt pierced her heart.

it would be a lie to say that he hadn’t been pushing her out of her comfort zone. for the last few months, he had been nothing but persistently nice to her. anytime they crossed paths on campus, he always smiled and waved, pulling her into the orbit of his blue brightness, no matter how hard she tried to avoid it. at first, she was convinced that he would get bored of her quickly, that he would find more interesting company to keep than hers.

so, she tried to ignore it when she could.

but satoru never let up, not even a bit.

when she wouldn’t wave back, turning her back instead, there would be a tap on her left shoulder, and satoru would pop out from her right, spooking her with a laugh that made it seem like he knew exactly what she was up to.

and he didn’t care or seem to mind.

whenever she was clearly making no move to initiate a conversation, he always did it for her.

and he’d always ask her how she was.

how her day had been, or if she’d slept well the night before whenever they worked a morning shift together. during their quiet study sessions at the cafe, he’d always ask her how her course was going. at first, she thought satoru was just trying to fill the silence, that he was restless – too full of energy that he didn’t know what to do with. but now, she saw that she had been wrong the whole time.

she’d been blinded by his eccentricity and her own self-wallowing to notice it before.

that satoru gojo had a big heart.

and for some reason, he genuinely cared about her. it might not have been hard to notice that she wasn’t okay, but he had – and had tried to fix it. little by little, their study sessions and conversations were slowly pulling her back to the version of herself she thought she would never get back.

“you weren’t… pushing me,” she said slowly.

satoru gave her a pointed look. “yes i was. you know i was, especially last night.”

“okay,” she laughed a little, and a small smile appeared on his face. “maybe just a little.”

they both spared a glance at each other and broke into a nervous fit of laughter. for a moment, it all seemed normal, but then their smiles fades, and the silence crept back in like a parasite, with the light in satoru’s eyes dying like a smothered candle.

“well, i promise not to bother you half as much anymore,” he huffed playfully, though his eyes shifted away from her face.

she chewed the inside of her cheek.

“i… don’t want that.”

satoru looked back up at her sharply.

“you don’t?”

“i just- i’m not… it’s hard for me to feel good about things anymore.”

but being around you has been the only good thing for me. you’re the only person who makes me feel even a little like how i used to.

she couldn’t bring herself to say that, though.

because, whether or not satoru had meant to push her so much didn’t matter anymore. she had now realized, with a particularly harsh slap of reality, how much she had needed it. her changes had been so small and gradual that she hadn’t even noticed them herself. she couldn’t even remember the day when she finally didn’t dread leaving the house anymore, only that it had just happened.

and the boy made from blue starlight had been a huge part of making that happen.

satoru was like an icicle suspended over the edge of a cliff. was it concern, or maybe even shock on his face? she clenched her fists, nails digging into her skin. she didn’t know what she would do if he decided she was just too much for him, too heavy a burden that he hadn’t signed up to carry. if satoru decided to let go and fall, she didn’t know what she would do. she’d be all alone again if he left, and she didn’t think she could survive it this time.

please, i’m sorry. i’ll be better, i promise. just hang in there and wait for me a little longer.

but then, slowly, satoru flashed her that feather-soft smile he had given her the first time she finally waved back at him. it was softer, different to the way he usually smiled, like the notion meant so much more to him than she realized.

and she felt like everything might finally start to be okay.

| Φ |

“do you regret letting the things that happened to you in the past hurt her too?”

“of course i do, that’s why i’m here. i’m fucking broken, and i need help.”

| Φ |

the streets were dusted with a light frosting of snow.

there wasn’t much of it at all, really. it was hardly deep enough to make a snowball from, but it was enough to blanket everything in a sea of powdery whiteness. a cold drop of water dripped from a streetlight straight onto her nose, and she shivered profusely from the shock of it, pulling her itchy woolen scarf tighter around her neck.

there were faint tracks in the snow leading up to the cafe, and she guessed they probably belonged to satoru.

they had both been tasked with decorating the cafe with a little festive cheer on this crisp sunday morning. satoru had groaned about it, complaining that he would do anything but that on his day off. he only begrudgingly agreed to it after being bribed with unlimited access to the seasonal sweet treats.

and only if she helped him too.

so, that was how she had also been dragged into it on her day off.

she pushed open the door, scraping her damp boots against the entrance mat as warmth seeped into her bones. satoru had actually remember to turn the heating on, and her heart swelled with gratitude.

however, her good feelings were quite short lived.

“satoru,” she hissed. “what the fuck?”

the place was in absolute disarray.

tangled lights were strung about randomly, baubles of various shapes and colors rolled haphazardly across the floor, and the branches of the fake christmas tree were decidedly not attached where they were supposed to be. satoru was lazing at the counter, completely engrossed in his textbook, not even sparing her a glance as he deadpanned.

“what? i took everything out of the boxes like you told me to.”

“ugh! not like this, and you know it! seriously, it looks like you just dumped everything out onto the floor and just left it.”

his humorous snort told her that was exactly what he did.

it was painfully obvious that satoru gojo absolutely did not like christmas.

as soon as december hit, satoru became quite restrained, even dejected. he wasn’t up for doing much at all, except sitting around and reading her old textbooks. whenever someone asked if he had any plans for the holidays, he would just say “no,” in a way that completely shut down the conversation. if he overheard customers discussing their festive plans for too long, he would zone out, like he was lost somewhere far away from here.

she strode toward him, making sure to stomp her feet a little. satoru never bothered to look up at her, so he didn’t see when she picked up a plastic candy cane and threw it at his head.

“ow! seriously?”

“help me. now.”

letting out an exaggerated groan, satoru slammed the book shut with a loud slap and slowly – very slowly – slid off his chair.

it took several hours of hard work, but they eventually managed to turn the cafe into a mini wonderland. dainty red bows and lights were tastefully placed around, gold and silver tinsel glinted playfully in the sunlight, and the tree in the center of the tables was adorned with emerald and blue baubles.

“what do you think, satoru?”

but he was hardly paying any attention.

“sure, looks fine.”

in fact, satoru looked like something was crawling painfully beneath his perfect skin. he seemed ready to bolt outside without saying another word to her.

“are you alright?” she asked carefully, setting down a pretty green bauble she had been holding.

he looked up at her blankly. “yeah, i just don’t like all…” he gestured around him. “this.”

“not a festive person?”

“not really.”

“oh, okay.”

“it’s not for everyone sometimes, you know?”

“well, yeah… sure.”

“and it’s so much fuss for just one day.”

“mhm.”

“i hope you don’t think i’m like… i don’t know, a grinch or something.”

“i don’t think you’re a grinch, satoru.”

she tried not to notice how he shivered when she said his name.

“good, because i’m not. i don’t actually want someone else being miserable too.”

“what do you mean too?”

at this, satoru fell silent, like he’d said too much, revealed something she wasn’t supposed to know. they were quiet for a while, mostly because she didn’t know what to say, and satoru seemed quite lost in a place she wasn’t sure she wanted to follow him into. then, he flashed her that signature smile of is, his teeth glinting, and for the first time, she felt like she was seeing it for what it really was all along.

a defense mechanism.

for everyone to stay away, to not get too near him. to be blinded by his beauty and not ask too many questions.

“well, looks like we’re all done here!” he exclaimed quickly, clapping his hands together with a flourish. “wanna go get something sweet?”

satoru didn’t wait for her to answer.

before she knew it, he’d shoved his dark beanie over his snowy hair, and was bounding out of the shop. she watched him briefly through the window, rubbing his hands together, his breath coming out in little wispy puffs. he caught her looking and motioned with his head for her to come on.

she sighed, switching off the heating and locking up behind her.

“you know,” she said, not missing the way he winced. “you can always talk to me, right?”

satoru seemed to think about this for a moment before shaking his head and replying with a far too-cheerful, “of course! now, let’s go.”

the boy was hiding something in his galaxy of cerulean stars.

but then again, so was she.

| Φ |

“what was it like being with her?”

“it was peaceful and she was so beautiful, and god, so smart. like, she could discover something that would change the world, you know?… fuck!”

| Φ |

it was christmas eve.

she was watching the snow falling outside, holding a mug of coffee between her palms. the radio station, with its faint static buzz muffling the words, was the sort that lonely people listened to in movies. the host was chatting away in between songs like they didn’t think anybody was listening, probably assuming that everyone was being festive with their families, and not tuning in to some random station.

i’m listening, though. i’m here.

“it’s a lovely, quiet night, isn’t it? some people hate the quiet, though. like there’s something wrong with it.”

she’d pretended that she absolutely had to work over the holidays to avoid going home, and she didn’t regret it one bit. this was all somewhat… nice, actually. her mind was mostly quiet, focused on the coffee and the radio and the snow falling delicately to the ground below.

she took a sip from her mug, a pleasant, tingling burn on her tongue. there was some truth in that sentiment, she mused.

“but i think that it’s only when things are quiet and still, that you can find out a lot about yourself!”

well, she wasn’t so sure if she had discovered anything new about herself other than pain.

ring! ring! ring!

she nearly spilled her coffee all over her lap.

it was satoru.

for some reason, he hadn’t gone back home either. she hadn’t pressed him on why he didn’t, probably because he wouldn’t have told her the truth anyway, or brush her off with a half-hearted joke instead of a real answer.

slowly, she reached for her phone. “hello?”

it was quiet.

too quiet.

and then, the barest sound of what might have been a sniffle.

“hi,” satoru greeted, his voice filled with broken glass.

and it was like all the light and happiness in the world had gone. her eyes became glossy. he sounded familiar, only because she knew that she had once sounded like that too. she could recognize the sound of a person who had lost everything, and was barely clinging onto this plane of existence.

“what are you doing?” he whispered.

she stifled a sob. “nothing really, you?”

“same.”

there was a gust of wind outside, sending the snow dancing in a large, swooping whirlpool.

“can i, uh-” he swallowed quite audibly. “can i see you?”

she didn’t miss a beat. “sure.”

“okay, right. i’ll see you in a bit.”

her screen went black as satoru ended the call, and she tapped her cheek three times just to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. when she realized that she definitely wasn’t, she scrambled up from her warm spot on the sofa, picking up all the random clothes off the floor and shoving them into drawers just for the time being. she was overthinking everything, every little mess, and what satoru would think when he saw her apartment.

should she give the counter a wipe?

was there maybe a smell about?

knock! knock! knock!

there was no time to think about all that.

how had he gotten here so quickly?

she breathed out shakily, wiping her forehead as she hesitantly opened the door.

and there he was with his head bowed low.

there were plenty of snowflakes clinging stubbornly onto his beanie and coat, and she guessed that he must have been outside for a while. when she looked closed at him, she realized with a start that he was wearing his pyjamas – washed-out, grey sweatpants paired with a shirt with a faded superman logo on it. it might have been funny, but when satoru looked up at her, his eyes were rimmed with bright red crescent moons.

she didn’t need to guess that he had been crying.

“hi,” he said softly, his voice cracking like an old mirror.

“hey, come in,” she replied, stepping aside to let him in.

satoru shivered as he stepped over the threshold of her apartment, pausing to puff hot breaths into his hands. she offered him a tea, asking if he wanted it heavy on the sugar, which he shyly accepted. she watched as he took off his boots at the door, expensive black leather dripping with icy sludge, and took a good, long look all around her apartment.

the radio crackled softly, and satoru only seemed to notice it existed then. “huh, you don’t like t.v or something?” he quipped sadly, hardly carrying any bite in his words at all.

“i can’t be bothered getting one,” she admitted with an awkward smile, stirring the teabag in his mug.

satoru hummed and moved to sit on the sofa, sinking into the cushion like he wanted to just melt into a puddle. he rested his neck against the back, long fingers clasping and flexing like he didn’t know what to do with them. she handed him his tea, and then settled on the other end of the sofa, tucking her legs beneath her, and making a conscious effort not to sit too close to him.

for a while, they both didn’t say anything.

the host on the radio was talking again between songs, their voice soft and airy like the snow falling just outside. the next song slowly faded into life, a familiar wistful version of ‘have yourself a merry little christmas’ filling the quiet room. satoru was just staring at the ceiling, the faintest tremor in his hands as he lifted his mug to sip his tea. she didn’t say a word about it, letting herself zone out as she stared at the loose threads in the carpet.

“sorry, i don’t usually do this,” he finally said. “barge in like this, i mean.”

she blinked, and gave him a small smile of reassurance. “it’s okay, i wasn’t doing anything anyways.”

“oh, okay. you didn’t feel like going back home?”

“i could ask you the same thing.”

satoru swallowed, his throat bobbing up and down. then, his shoulders slumped, and his head fell forward in a silent surrender.

she held in a breath.

the angel’s were reaching a key moment in solving their formula, she could feel it in her bones, in her soul. she could hear them and their quills, motions quick and decisive, the noise slowly building like pressure inside a closed vessel.

“his name was suguru.”

the name was a stone falling off the edge of a waterfall, crashing against stone and water and air, and here it finally was – in this tiny, unremarkable apartment that didn’t feel like it was nearly good enough to host such an incredible moment.

it all felt inevitable, really. that she was supposed to be here, in this moment, and that everything in her life had happened just to bring her here. how she fallen in love with a quiet boy with green eyes, and how he had left her. how she nearly faded out of existence, only to be pulled back by a call to work where it all began. how her and satoru met, and how their lives had become so beautifully intertwined.

it was like newton’s second law of motion.

every force that had ever acted on her, every event she had collided into, was all to propel her straight into this moment.

“he was my best friend since middle school, and when i tell you we did everything together, we did fucking everything together.”

satoru paused for a moment, pulling his phone out from his pocket and rapidly tapping and scrolling as he searched for something. when he seemingly found it, he carefully handed his phone to her.

it was a picture of the two of them.

she couldn’t help but smile. satoru was all scruff and awkward teenage smiles, much too tall for his own good. and suguru was… beautiful, really. he was everything his best friend wasn’t – composed and regal, with long, dark hair that looked like it had been dipped in black ink. his eyes were a warm, honeyed chocolate, and she didn’t need to have known him to tell that suguru was kind. the quiet, dependable sort. the kind of person you knew would never leave you behind.

“when we graduated, we even decided to study physics together at uni in tokyo. i mean, i genuinely didn’t have a life without him. but it was like, no matter what happened, as long as suguru was there, it would all be okay.”

tears slipped from his eyes, and he bowed his head low, almost dropping between his knees.

“he died a year ago today.”

oh.

oh, god.

“i thought it was a joke, you know? when i got the call from his parents. i mean, seriously? he’d just gone to visit our old school to help out with some stupid fucking basketball tournament the kids were doing. nothing bad was supposed to happen.”

satoru become incredibly quiet, trapped in a fog of lost memories.

“he’d asked me to go with him,” he admitted, his words dripping in shame. “but i didn’t want to.”

she could hear the unspoken words he wanted to say hovering in the air like a ghost, like the angels whittling away at their little equations.

i should have been there.

“the police said the crossroads were all slippery because of the ice, and that suguru fell over.”

i might have saved him.

“the driver wasn’t even looking properly, but he was going way too fucking fast anyways.”

he could still be alive.

“and yeah, i know it’s so pathetic. i can’t even stay in the same city that he died in. it was just too much for me to handle. that’s why i transferred here, actually, because it just wasn’t the same without him.”

it’s all my fault.

she didn’t know what else to say other than, “i get it.”

because she really did.

her and satoru gojo were one and the same, she knew that now. they might have once been two different variables in the same equation, but now the angels had proven them to be equal to each other, melding them into one and solving for the same outcome.

“you know, you’re the only person who hasn’t tried to lie to me about it,” he mumbled, partly to himself, his fingers tight around his mug. “it never gets easier, no matter how much time passes.”

“i agree. you just get better at carrying it while you try to live on.”

satoru finally spared a glance at her, his pale eyes searching her face, as if he was beginning to realize and understand the person who shared atoms with his soul. that everything had changed for them now, and there was no going back in time.

“there’s a page missing in your book, did you know that?” he said carefully, gently, like it might break her.

“huh- what? no. what are you on about?”

“the one you gave me. i had to look the page up online to find out what it’s about.”

“okay… and?”

“well, why would you rip out a page on relativity?”

oh.

she was flooded with memories she didn’t want to remember. if she looked over satoru’s shoulder, she could almost swear she saw a mirage of a certain dark-haired boy looking at her with a resigned expression, like even the ghost of his past didn’t want to be here. she couldn’t remember even doing it, but she must have torn that page out sometime during the summer. satoru clearly noticed the look on her face, must have seen that familiar, haunted look, and realized he’d unknown touched another nerve.

“you want to tell me about it?” he asked softly.

she looked up at him through lashes heavy with tears, while the ghost’s hazy green eyes pierced into her, silently begging for release, for her to not let him continue to haunt her.

“i will, i promise.”

she blinked, wiping her blurry eyes, and the vision was gone.

“but tell me more about suguru.”

| Φ |

“it sounds like you really did love her.”

“i did, i still do. she was it for me.”

| Φ |

on christmas morning, after satoru had spent the night on her sofa, she told him everything about toji fushiguro.

it was the first time she had said his name aloud after so long, like coaxing death back to where it belonged beyond the veil, and breathing life back into the boy with dark hair and everything that had happened to her. it had been much easier to have pretended that toji was actually dead this whole time.

well, he could have been.

after all, she had no way of knowing, but it was an unhealthy coping mechanism, and she knew it. she couldn’t dare do it anymore either, not when satoru was sitting there right across from her having actually lost his person forever.

so, she didn’t hide a thing.

she told him how it all started. how they fell in love, and all the things that happened in between. the green tea, teaching him about her numbers and stars and the summer of vanilla ice cream. for some reason, she felt sheepish at revealing the trauma that had happened to toji when he was a child, but she had to do it. it was the catalyst for why he had just up and left, and none of it would have made sense to satoru.

much like when she had listened to him the night before, he hadn’t said a word the entire time she spoke. but she knew satoru was listening. in fact, he was completely immersed in her story. like he could feel everything she could. he smiled at the happy parts, even laughed, his expression only turning twisted and sour at the end of it – like her anger and pain was his to bear too.

it made her feel much less alone in all of it.

“i hate him,” she said when she finished, her voice sharper than a knife’s edge, dripping with green, green venom.

but he was looking at her like he didn’t believe that for a second.

she didn’t even know she was shivering until satoru got up and draped a blanket over her shoulders, gently prying the mug that she had been gripping tightly. he looked down at her so kindly it made her chest tighten, an encouraging smile curling his baby-pink lips upwards like it was the only thing holding all her pieces together.

there was something… changed about him.

even with his fluffy hair, a messy pile of snow and stardust, there was something a little more airy and less burdened about him. his shoulders were more pulled back, not slouched like before, which she hadn’t even really noticed he had been doing until now.

“you got any food?” satoru asked suddenly, striding confidently over to her fridge and opening it.

she frowned. “for breakfast?”

“no, i mean for dinner. we have to have some kind of feast don’t we?”

“really? now you want to be festive?”

satoru lazily stretched his back, the skin of his waist peeking out. “festivity is subjective. besides, we just so happen to be celebrating on a day everyone else is.”

“uh huh, and what are we celebrating exactly?”

“well, us.”

he said it like it was totally obvious.

“tell you what, i’ll go out to the store and get us stuff for tonight,” he said firmly, already putting his coat and beanie on. “please tell me you have pots and pans we can use.”

she deadpanned. “yes.”

“hey, i’m only asking because i’m not the one who goes into a 7-eleven every night for dinner.”

she threw a pillow in his direction, but he was already out the door before it could land anywhere near him. sighing, she rubbed her still-tired eyes and glanced around the apartment. whatever satoru was planning for later, it wouldn’t do to have the place messy. she mopped the floors properly and gave the kitchen a good clean, scrubbing all the pots and pans that had been sitting unused in the cabinets since she moved in.

by the time satoru came back with several white plastic bags of groceries, the apartment was spotless and ready for whatever mess was about to unfold in the kitchen.

“you certainly don’t skimp out,” she remarked, eyeing the bags and their contents as he dumped them out onto the counter.

satoru only laughed, rolling up his sleeves and washing his hands. “i’m rich. so, no.”

“pft! well, thanks for all this.”

together, they started prepping for their feast, deciding to make oden with all the fresh vegetables that satoru had bought. soon enough, a wonderfully savory, wholesome scent filled the apartment. she assembled the table while satoru stirred the pot, putting together the sides, the radio merrily playing christmas tunes on and on. when they finally sat down to eat, when she took the first bite of her stew, she almost cried.

she hadn’t realized just how much she had missed this – taking care of her body, cooking something nutritious and homemade. maybe that was why her apartment didn’t feel like home.

how could it be? she had never even made a home-cooked meal in it.

she decided to remedy that from that moment on.

as the evening wore on, they ended up back on the sofa together. a blanket was draped over their legs, a dip between them filled with all the sweets satoru had brought over. the radio switched between more mellow tunes and cheerful ones, and that same host from last night was on again.

but she wasn’t listening in this time.

her and satoru were completely engrossed in one another, talking about what had drawn them to physics in the first place, and about all the stars and planets they wish they could see one day. she felt something warm kindling in her chest. maybe it was the atoms of herself coming back together, little by little. she wasn’t sure, but it felt like a flicker of something familiar.

it wasn’t happiness, not yet.

but as satoru tore a piece of red bean mochi in half, offering her one part with that stellar grin on his face, she thought it might just get there.

| Φ |

“i hope you had a happy new years- ah! yes, of course, it was your birthday as well! how was it?”

“yeah, alright, thanks. was just a quiet night in for me.”

| Φ |

the rest of the school year passed by in a hazy kaleidoscope of colours.

it certainly wasn’t rosy, but it was satoru and her, and all the colors that made him.

mostly, he was dripping in hues of red.

vibrant and lusciously full of life, satoru exuded a sort of confidence that made her want to grit her teeth. she was jealous of him when he was like this – a glorious star of red that burned bright and hot. she wished she could put up her own veil of red to the world, something gushing with so much vitality and mirth that nobody could ever guess she was green with sadness. but it was all a front, a distraction to hide what he was feeling deep down.

because above all, satoru was blue.

she knew it had everything to do with suguru. he would withdraw from the world, hiding away in his bedroom for days. she'd knock on his door, and satoru would answer with heavy bags under his eyes and a glossy sheen in them. he wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t sleep either – just lie there and stare up at he ceiling like he wanted to float up through the atmosphere and into space.

but the worst was when he was purple.

an infinity that blended his melancholy and beauty. satoru was borderline cruel, even a touch mad, when he was like this. he’d flash everyone a stellar smile, drawing them in while his fangs glinted, enticing them with the sweetest honey they didn’t realize was dangerous until they were trapped in its sticky depths.

she recognized him for what he was in those moments.

something pretty to look at but never, ever to touch.

still, she gradually came to understand all of satoru’s colors the way he understood hers. she learned how to dip a paintbrush in them all and create something different. there were soft, cooler tones for his burning red to sizzle out against, streaks of yellow through his blue to remind him of the light within him.

none of it was perfect.

it was jagged and messy at the best of times, but it was real. eventually, satoru learned to sit there and take the time to paint too, his hands shaking and unsteady, with an indomitable will to fight through it all.

and now, at the beginning of the summer, she knew satoru gojo was healing when he said to her, “come with me.”

she looked up questioningly. “what?”

“come with me,” he repeated casually, not lifting his eyes from his sheet of messily scrawled calculations. “come and spend the summer with me in tokyo.”

tokyo.

that seemingly faraway place where everybody wanted to end up. where a persons merit was deemed worth enough if they had made it there. the place where love ran away to die a death unseen, still but acutely felt, even through all the distance.

it felt forbidden to her.

that it was toji’s place to hide away, and she would ruin it all for him if she went there.

satoru glanced up when her silence stretched on for too long. his eyebrow quirked up unimpressed. “if it’s money you’re worried about, then don’t. you can stay with me at my place. my parents won’t mind.”

“it’s not that,” she mumbled, rubbing a pink sugar packet between her fingers.

he pursed his lips, shutting his book, and got up from his seat. motioning for her to take his place, satoru set about preparing something. she furrowed her brows, perplexed, but trying to focus on his calculations to avoid staring at him.

and then, a steaming mug of green tea appeared – a pool of pale green staring up at her like a ghost.

“drink it,” satoru ordered, but his voice was gentle, like a helping hand. “if i can go back, you can do this.”

she stared at him for a moment longer, her heart ticking faster like the sound of an alarm clock about to ring. she thought of the law of inertia, and how she had remained motionless, stuck in the same place for so long. maybe it was time to move on, to overcome her own resistance and start moving again. a year had passed, after all, and if he could just run away and live his life, then so could she.

and with that, she took a sip.

| Φ |

“i just want to say that i’m very proud of you and your progress over the last few months. you’re doing very well for yourself.”

“ah, hah! well, thankyou.”

| Φ |

satoru gojo was rich.

she already knew that he was. it wasn’t like he bragged about it often, but she could just tell. it was in the little things he did – or didn’t do. he always wore good quality shirts, the kind that weren’t so prone to wrinkles, and they always looked like they had been pressed by someone else who did it for a living. he never even thought to check his receipts for his grocery shop after swiping his card at the till, and she would click her tongue in amazement at not having to worry about such a thing.

but she didn’t realize just how filthy rich he was until she stepped foot into his apartment.

her jaw had actually dropped.

because of course he had a penthouse, and of course it was like something straight out an interior design magazine. with its floor-to-ceiling windows that hugged the whole space, and perfectly balanced blend of modern and traditional minimalism. there was the scent of tasteful freshness around her, something that was actually much like satoru – linen and eucalyptus, with a hint of peppery sweetness.

she couldn’t help but feel a little giddy.

“satoru,” she whispered with glittering awe on her tongue. “tell me something.”

he hummed questioningly, throwing his two duffle bags onto the floor and collapsing with a huff onto the sofa. “what?”

“why the fuck would you move to our shitty university when you live here?”

“oh, this? my family home is much bigger, actually. just wait til you see that.”

“you- you mean this… isn’t?”

satoru barked out a laugh. “no, this is just my own place.”

“pft!”

the sun had fallen below the skyscrapers, and she pressed her head against the cooled glass to watch the bustling world below her. the lights were twinkling madly, winking at her like they were trying to entice her out into the streets with all its colorful neon signs and billboards. her fingers twitched with anticipation, and she squealed in excitement.

“let’s go, lets go!” she exclaimed suddenly, feeling a burst of energy to explore in a way she thought she had lost as a child. “c’mon!”

satoru grinned at her, and pushed himself off the sofa.

and so began a new summer, one made of blue and white instead of green, green, green.

there were plenty of late nights spent wandering the streets, savoring all sorts of vendors and restaurants. the occasional bar hop in shinjuku, stumbling and bumbling like buzzing bees drunk on nectar, weaving their way back to a train station to get home and sleep the heat of the day away, only to do it all over again.

tonight was one of those particular nights.

they had their arms around each other, her leaning on satoru much more heavily than he was on her. it was too late – or rather, far too early – to catch a train back to the penthouse. satoru was loathe to call his driver, because of course he just had access to one on call at all times and didn’t bother to use them.

“this is sooo much more fun anyways!” he slurred, a glossy bottom lip protruded in a pout.

she blew a raspberry at him, her feet aching and legs feeling numb, but whether it was from the alcohol or pure exhaustion, she couldn’t tell. it was all fun, really, a memory she knew she would always look back on. something to make her smile and shake her head at the antics she used to get up to.

oh, how growing older was so eerily strange.

one moment, she was playing hide and seek, scraping her hands and knees on the pavement as she learned how to ride a bike.

the next she was crying in a heap on the bathroom floor as the love of her life blocked her number and left.

poof!

like he had never even existed in the first place.

“poof!” she mumbled, feeling her stomach lurch with bubbling anxiousness.

“heyyy! what’re you thinkin about?”

satoru’s voice startled her, and she hadn’t realized she’d stopped moving or that the weight of him was no longer slowing her down. he was peering at her expectantly, two moons of blue shining through the dark and bathing her in his aura.

but he already knew.

satoru always knew.

he sighed, reaching out a hand to her like salvation. she realized that he was, her saving grace, her cerulean light at the end of that infinite tunnel of vacuum and green ink.

she slid her palm in his, their fingers tangling together and fitting perfectly together in each other’s equation.

“can i take you somewhere?” satoru whispered, staring in drunk awe at their hands stuck together.

“mhm.”

the sky was just starting to change, as the sun gently pressed delicate kisses to it, making it blush in strokes of indigo and pale orange. she didn’t know where they were going, and she didn’t care. her brain was far too tired to comprehend anything. all she knew was that she and satoru were on one of the first trains of the day, the rhythmic hum of the train was soothing, and his arm was around her.

and it felt nice.

when they eventually got off the train, satoru never let go of their hands or his arm around her, steadying her as the walked and walked.

until they finally stopped.

they were in the middle of a street, standing against the flow of people brushing past them on their morning commute. the smell of a kfc just behind them tickled her nose, making her empty stomach grumble in protest.

“satoru, what are we doing here?” she asked, voice heavy with sleepiness.

but he didn’t answer.

in fact, satoru was much too quiet, his grip on her hand acutely missing as he stared straight ahead. she followed his gaze to the bold white and black stripes of a pedestrian crossing a few meters away on the busy road beside them.

her mouth suddenly felt dry.

“it’s a strange thing, isn’t it?” satoru mumbled. “we’re in this plane of existence between innocence and death, and we all just continue on.”

the longer she stared at the crossing, the more she could have sworn she saw deep red splatters flashing on the white, staining the deep black with an unnatural dullness.

she wanted to be sick.

“but that’s all we can do, isn’t it? just move on. try to forget everything when you really just can’t, because there’s nothing you can fucking do to change a thing.”

change – a chemical change.

like when paper burns, or iron turns to old rust, or flesh decays deep down in the earth. things that change and never return to what they once were, no matter how hard you tried. that was just it, really. she was something like a cigarette, set alight and burned for all she was worth, only to be stubbed out on the concrete beneath an unforgiving shoe as soon as the hit was over.

she would never be the same.

who could?

“i’ll never forget suguru,” satoru sighed, like he was resigning himself to his fate. “but that doesn’t mean i don’t want to be free of him.”

be free.

she couldn’t imagine being free of toji.

“satoru,” she said, her voice like a feather floating in the wind. “why did you bring me here?”

“because… to show you that if i can be here, in the one place on earth i never want to be, that starting to let go is possible. that if i can do it, then so can you.”

could she?

could she really be free?

she bit her lip, willed herself not to burst out crying in the middle of a very public street. the music was loud here – quite loud, in fact. and satoro was there in a pristine white shirt, holding a match to her, gently setting her on fire in a beautiful green flame, letting her atoms scatter and roam free wherever they wanted to go.

she nodded slowly.

maybe…

maybe it wasn’t so frightening after all.

| Φ |

“so, how did it go?”

“i just couldn’t fucking do it. i choked up as soon as i heard her voice.”

| Φ |

before she knew it, the summer was already coming to an end.

“maybe i could do my phd, then i’d be able to put ‘doctor’ on all my legal documents. wouldn’t that be cool?”

“seriously? you haven’t had enough of academia yet?”

she and satoru were lounging on his pristine sofa. it was so soft she felt like she was sitting on a cloud, sinking into its fluffy depths, drowning in powdered marshmallows and the crisp scent of fabric freshener. even though the holidays were nearly over, the days were still much too hot to venture outside into – a fierce heat that made her feel like a piece of fish sizzling on a frying pan. instead, they would pig out and binge television shows in the cool comfort of the air conditioning, some the peak of entertainment that would spark passionate discussions.

others not so much.

“ok, this is fuckin stupid,” satoru muttered, prickly annoyance lacing his words like cactus spines. “i’m changing this shit.”

she only hummed, absentmindedly scrolling through her social media feed. it had been far too long for her to try and remember the last time she had been on any kind of social app, but there wasn’t much else to do during the day, and the mood had just struck her to see what sorts of things people she barely knew were up to.

it was pretty much what she expected.

a seemingly endless stream of aesthetic travel and lifestyle photos, silly poses with overly wide smiles. the occasional engagement announcement, compilations of sappy wedding posts, and even the odd pregnancy reveal. how funny it was to watch everyone’s lives moving on through pixels on a screen.

until it decidedly wasn’t.

her thumb froze mid-swipe.

oh.

“oh my god.”

satoru tilted his head towards her, his eyes still fixed on the tv screen. “what?”

it was really him.

toji.

there was no mistake about it. he was standing there with his knuckles wrapped in white bandages, his chest bare and glistening with a thin sheen of sweat, a minuscule smile tugging at his lips as he posed beside shiu kong. the backdrop was clearly a gym – the mirrors behind them reflecting a sleek array of expensive looking equipment.

hard work pays off! for a limited time only, fushiguro is offering a special discount for new clients 💪 dm us to get booked in with the man himself!

she couldn’t breath.

she stared so hard at the photo that her vision blurred, her chest tightening like a snake had coiled itself around her, squeezing for all it was worth. like toji could see her through the screen and was laughing at her and how crippled she was by such a small thing. this had to be a joke. some sick, cosmic joke that the angel’s were snickering about as they dipped their quills back into their ink pots. her pulse thrummed in her ears, blocking out the world and the music and everything.

until it was just her and her phone and that damn photo.

she hated how the first thought she had was how much she missed him.

and how unfairly attractive he still looked.

upon clicking on shiu’s account, she scrolled through post after post documenting the journey of the gym’s grand opening. it was clear that bucketloads of blood and sweat that had gone into the place, with plenty of videos showing the two of them actively contributing to build it. she didn’t need to be an expert to tell that it was a great place to go, and her chest constricted again.

so, he actually did it.

he went and did what he said he was going to do.

and i’m still here.

“hey, what’s up? you get another weird silent call?”

she flinched.

satoru’s voice yanked her back into the present, a curious lilt in his question. his baby blues were fixed on her, the tv remote in his hand swinging lazily back and forth in his hand as he fiddled with it.

she bit her lip, shutting her screen off with a sharp click.

“oh, it’s nothing.”

why didn’t she want to admit it?

oh right, she was supposed to be moving on from all this.

“uh-huh,” satoru deadpanned, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. “what were you looking at?”

there really was no hiding anything from him, was there?

with an exasperated sigh, she unlocked her phone and flipped it over for him to see. satoru squinted at the screen, plucking her phone from her hands for a closer look. a white brow arched in what seemed like a mixture of disgust and recognition as he zoomed in, the sofa creaking softly beneath him as he leaned back into the cushions with a huff.

“well,” he quipped, a strange edge to his voice as he handed back her phone. “you know he’s alive.”

she didn’t say anything, her hands trembling as she set her phone down on the coffee table, farther away than it needed to be, as if it had stung her.

it had.

satoru sighed, and asked much more gently this time, “do you want to talk about it?”

“what’s there to talk about?” she replied far too quickly, the words tasting too much like bile.

the silence stretched on.

somewhere far below, a car honked aggressively, the sound faint and barely audible this high up from the hustle and bustle of tokyo. the beginnings of trailers and clips from shows began to play in the background, but neither of them seemed to be paying attention to it.

“if you ever saw him again, wha–”

“satoru. i don’t want to play that game.”

“it’s not a game if it’s a genuine question.”

“i–fuck! i don’t even know.”

“c’mon, you must have thought about it before.”

she groaned exasperatedly. “satoru.”

“what?”

“can we not talk about this?”

“no, we’re gonna talk about it. what if we bump into him while you’re here?”

“ugh, i just… wouldn’t say anything i guess.”

“seriously?”

“well, what more do you want?”

“you’d have absolutely nothing to say to the guy? you wouldn’t fucking scream at him, hit him? something?”

“no, and why should i? he’s the one that left me, and he doesn’t deserve even one word. he’s clearly moved on, and so am i.”

“right, because you totally looked over it just there.”

her jaw tightened, and she scowled at him.

“fuck off.”

it was quiet for a heartbeat until, “that’s what i would say for a start,” satoru snorted.

she rolled her eyes, rubbed them wearily, and let out a half-hearted laugh. “shut up.”

“that works too if he decides to speak, and then i’d swoop in and deck the guy.”

“are you sure you wanna do that?”

“excuse me, are you implying i couldn’t take him?”

“you definitely couldn’t.”

“uh, yes i could. quite easily, actually.”

he flexed his bicep, tilting his head and nodding approvingly at the taut muscle. she barked out a laugh, despite the churning feeling twisting her stomach with acid.

what would she actually say?

fuck you for leaving me.

what was the point of it all?

you could have at least said goodbye to me. i know i messed up, but i didn’t deserve what you did to me.

or maybe she would she just turn around and run away, just like he had? it was so easy to imagine that she would be brave enough to stand her ground and give him a piece of her mind. but she didn’t think she would. she would always be doomed to dig her roots deeper into the ground, hold her tongue, and silently defend herself against the battering storm.

“let’s not think about that anymore, yeah?” satoru attempted encouragingly, giving her foot a teasing nudge. “out of sight, out of mind, am i right?”

she smiled tightly. “right.”

right?

| Φ |

“you still mean to go through with your plan?”

“yeah. i don’t even know if she’ll be there, but i have to start somewhere, and… i don’t know. it feels like the right place.”

| Φ |

before she knew it, it was the start of winter.

that familiar crisp cold air was settling on her nose and tongue, jolting her tired bones into feeling just a little more alive. it wasn’t snowing, not yet, but it certainly wasn’t far behind. she tucked her hands into the crooks of her elbows, quietly chided herself for forgetting her gloves at home.

as per usual, she was on her way to the cafe.

she had been working a lot more than usual lately. satoru’s final year was significantly busier than his previous years, so he hadn’t been working as much, leaving her and her other colleague’s to bear the brunt of the busy end-of-year season. not that she minded, her brain had been quite preoccupied lately, and actual work was a better distraction than her studies.

she didn’t really understand what or why she was feeling so strange.

it was almost like something bigger than herself. the anticipation of the drop before leaping off a diving board, or the creeping dread that something was coming for you. that things were about to change too quickly for her to even try and keep up.

she hoped it was just all in her head.

the cafe was just around the corner now, its familiar sign flickering and wonderfully colourful against the grey clouds that hung darkly over the afternoon like an omen. she quickened her pace, boots crunching loudly against the pavement, already imagining the comforting blast of warmth that would envelope her as soon as she stepped inside. the windows were fogged over, but she could still make out the warm glow of the lamps and the outline of customers hunched over their drinks.

the doorbell chimed as she walked in, the strong scent of cinnamon swirling through up her nose like an old friend’s greeting. it was predictable and grounding, and the unease that had been chasing her for weeks was left outside to freeze in the cold.

until she walked outside again.

but that was a problem for after her shift.

“oh, thank god you're here!" her manager exclaimed, dashing past her as she shrugged off her coat, a tray of teacups balanced precariously with one hand. "can you handle the to-go's?”

from that moment on, for the next hour, she was thrown into a frazzled mess of oat milk and sickly sweet caramel syrup. her apron was stained within ten minutes, and she kept apologizing profusely for any sort of delay, even if they had only been waiting for a minute or two, or whenever she brushed against a customer's hand with her sticky syrup fingers to return their change.

it was chaos, to say the least.

she felt like a machine on autopilot, firing through order after order, hardly paying attention to anything but the job at hand.

the bell chimed – again.

she tapped the side of the cinnamon shaker against a styrofoam cup, a blinding ray of unexpected sunlight slanting through the windows. the world was suddenly skewed, an equation of pure molten gold weaving together this plane of existence for just one precious moment.

a cup clattered loudly.

huh, the sun must have come out.

a shadow fell across the counter, long and somewhat familiar.

“oh, sorry for the wait! what can–”

she looked up, the words dying painfully in her throat like shards of shattering glass.

and there he was.

the boy with dark hair standing there with his hands in his pockets, just like he used to.

it all felt so frighteningly familiar, like she'd been here before in another lifetime. she would have believed it too, because the moment stretched infinitely, impossibly, dragging on and on. it was him and his green eyes and that perfect golden scar on his lip that warped the world according to his own laws of gravity and time. she'd once traced that scar with her fingers, had once loved it, and brought forth a teardrop of blood from it.

her breath hitched.

the music was frighteningly loud now, as though the angels had been waiting for their beautiful muse to come back to them after all this time. it curled in the space between them, across the counter, beckoning their fingers to reach out and touch each other again.

toji.

she didn't say his name, couldn't. it looped in her mind like the numbers and greek letters she'd pondered over for years, never quite able to solve – maybe not even wanting to. if she did, he might just disappear altogether again. even if a part of her wanted him to, it was unbelievably sickening how her body and soul craved the sight of him.

her fingers twitched uncomfortably.

you can't be real.

no, you're not. none of this is real.

he was equal parts familiar and foreign. his mop of black hair just a touch longer than she remembered it to be, but still in that same messy style that was his. but what struck her the most were his clothes. they weren’t faded or worn, no random holes poking through anywhere. they were all clean and ironed, with a well- structured black coat over it all that looked like had just bought it from a shop and put it on.

he wasn't the same, no. that much was obvious.

but it's still you.

the cinnamon shaker slipped from her fingers, clattering onto the counter, its echo piercing through the void.

she gasped, “oh, s-sorry!”

and then he finally spoke. “s'alright.”

oh, toji.

his voice was rougher, deeper, yet even quieter than it used to be. it struck her chest like a hammer, reverberating throughout her hollowed bones and down the long hallway where the angels scribbled on their scrolls. he was staring at her like he was trying to solve her too, trying to decipher how she was really feeling on the inside.

she hated it.

hated how he was in a position that meant he knew her, even a little bit. hated that he knew everything, and would know that slight change in her face when she was about to smile or about to cry. hated how it took just about everything she had not to run away.

but most of all, she hated how she wanted nothing more than to just go to him.

to reach across the counter and pull him into her. to say how sorry she was and how much she had missed him, even beg him not to leave again.

i don’t want to love you anymore.

i wish, i wish, i wish i never did.

“i didn't think you would still be here,” he admitted, a tone of surprise in his words.

she felt a flash of annoyance.

how dare he acknowledge that she was still in the same place? it was embarrassing – shameful – that he had been able to go off and do what he said he was going to do, and she hadn't. that she was left behind in the dust of everyone else who had moved on.

“i'm doing my masters,” she replied flatly.

toji’s face fell a little at her tone, and he rubbed the back of his neck. “that's great! really. you were always smart. not that you aren't now, obviously.”

she only stared blankly at him. “would you like to order something?”

toji hesitated, his chapped lips parting, but then the doorbell chimed behind him, loud and jarring.

“hey! it's absolutely freezing outside, isn’t it?” satoru's unmistakable drawl lashed through the air like a whip, larger than life.

her head whipped towards him, an immediate wave of relief washing over her before it was replaced by cold, hard dread. toji turned slightly, glancing at the boy with starlight hair who had strolled in like he owned the place. satoru's easy grin landed on her, dazzling her in his red.

until he noticed who was standing in front of her.

his eyes turned to ice, narrowing into daggers like he was ready to slice toji up into pieces. then, deliberately slow, satoru strutted over, plonking himself behind the counter right beside her, casually leaning forward as if he had all the time in the world.

“you need something?” satoru asked dangerously, his words dipped in a deep purple.

toji looked between the two of them, and something in those green eyes of his made her feel uneasy, even a dash of unwarranted guilt. his fists were tight, fingernails digging his palm so hard it made her own hands hurt. without saying another word, he swiveled on his heels and walked back out the door, disappearing into the afternoon that had gone grey again.

“nice meeting you!” satoru called out after him, a heavy hand resting on her shoulder.

but toji was already long gone.

| Φ l

satoru didn’t want to leave her alone.

“he doesn’t know where i live,” she’d hissed as they walked back to her studio together, a brooding hulk of a guard dog beside her. “satoru! you’re acting like a lunatic.”

“shut up, will you?” he snapped, his eyes darting suspiciously at every person who passing by. “he knows where you work.”

“i think that was just a random chance,” she mumbled quietly, her breath coming out in small, hot puffs, not sure why she was even defending toji at all.

but satoru had just ignored her, ushering her through the door of her building like the boy in question was right behind them, shutting it with a particularly loud slam! she almost felt like she was in trouble for something, even though rationally she knew that absolutely none of this was her fault.

she had just never seen satoru so unbelievably angry.

after firmly making sure she had eaten something wholesome, and after much convincing on her part that she definitely wasn’t planning to leave her apartment for the night, satoru finally left her alone. not before giving her a long, hard look that made it clear that if she needed him, she was to call him immediately.

she might have been touched by it if she wasn’t so utterly consumed by thoughts of toji.

why had he come? why now?

why, why, why?

endless questions swirled around her brain, circling like a goldfish swimming around a perfectly clear crystal bowl. she lay there on her bed, the only light coming from a flickering streetlight outside. sleep was completely out of the question for tonight, so she counted the seconds between each rhythmic flicker of light, trying pathetically to distract herself from it all.

just when she might have been able to slip into the darkness of a dreamless sleep, her phone lit up beside her.

buzz! buzz!

she frowned, not recognizing the unfamiliar number.

“hello?”

“hey, uh- it’s me.”

her heart stopped, then stuttered back to life. she sat upright, gripping her phone tighter.

“sorry, you weren’t asleep were you?” toji continued, his tone slightly sheepish.

she blinked. “no.”

“oh, great!” he cleared his throat. “i didn’t think you’d pick up.”

“it’s late.”

there was a pause. “right, yeah. well, i just… i wanted to call you for a while now, but i don’t know. it just didn’t feel right to talk to you over the phone.”

she waited with bated breath.

“about what?”

she knew exactly what.

“i just wanted to say that i’m sorry.”

of course she knew – in the same way that the universe might have known the big bang was coming. that existence was on the brink of becoming itself after an explosion, stretching and rippling outward like a drop of water in an infinite ocean.

there was another pause, followed by a deep breath. “i don’t expect calling you to fix everything that i did, but i wanted to start by telling you that i’m so sorry for everything.”

did the universe know it was going to hurt this much?

“i'm so sorry,” he continued in a fragile whisper. “for the way i ran away and left you like that. and i'm sorry for being such a coward.”

maybe it had been okay with it. that’s just how something grows, isn’t it? a sudden explosion of growing pains to become something better, newer.

“you didn't deserve it.”

but the universe was born silently when it exploded into existence – a voiceless scream as creation erupted into being. she wondered how long it had been quiet for after it was all over.

“you still there?”

“yeah.”

she wondered if she would be silent too.

“well i-uh, i know that you've probably moved on from all this, but i just wanted to try and make things right.”

“mhm.”

he coughed, and cleared his throat. “you know, i went to therapy.”

“you did?”

“yeah. it was… kinda forced on me at the beginning, but i knew that i needed it to start fixing myself. i learned a lot about myself, and about why i did what i did. and i know that i definitely didn’t deserve you back then, but that i also didn't deserve to come back you if i was still the same.”

“and do you think you're... fixed now?”

“yeah, i’m just trying to be better.”

the light outside flickered again. one, two...

“you know... there's nothing you can say that'll make me forget what you did.”

three.

a sharp inhale, followed by a rough, “i know.”

“and you can’t just expect to walk back into my life like nothing happened.”

“i know.”

she turned over, burying her face in her pillow, the phone pressed against her ear.

“but that's not why i called you,” toji murmured. “i’m not trying to get you to forget what happened, because i can't either. but i’ve changed, and i just want to try and make things a little better, and to maybe be... friends, at least.”

“you want to be friends now?”

he paused for a long time.

“if you'd be okay with that, then yeah.”

“look, toji, i- i don't know.”

“i’d understand if you don't want to, believe me. and if you never want to hear or see me again then i’d get that too. and its selfish of me to even ask you this in the first place, but i have to try and keep you in my life because i still need you.”

holy good god.

“and i think about you all the time, every single day for the past two years, because you're it for me. you’re my person, and even if you don't want the same as me, then that's okay. i’d rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.”

what was she even supposed to say to that?

“and even as a friend, i promise not to leave like that again.”

“but what if i don’t want you as a friend? what if i don’t want you as anything to me anymore?”

“then i’ll leave.”

even the angels had stopped writing, their quills frozen mid-number as they peered over their desks, watching the two little humans they had tangled together in a messy scrawl of numbers and letters.

“say something,” toji said, a sad desperation in his voice. “please.”

“you hurt me, toji. do you know how much i hated you for that?”

“believe me, its not more than how much i hated myself for doing it.”

don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.

don’t you dare.

“okay,” she whispered.

“okay?”

her mind buzzed with thoughts and the consequences of allowing toji fushiguro back into her life. she thought of satoru, and how angry he would be, and how her brain screamed with all the words she wanted to hurl at toji about the true extent of how much he had hurt her.

but that didn’t matter, not yet.

not when he was here and promising to stay – to stay and be there for her, to listen to everything she had to say.

there was time for all of that.

and perhaps it was time to be born anew in a different universe.

“yeah, okay, but i can’t just be around you like that again. it doesn’t work that way, and i need time to get used to… you.”

toji’s voice sounded more hopeful, more positive, like the sun had broken through the clouds and was shining down on him again. “y-yeah, i get that! i’ll wait! however long it takes, i’ll wait.”

“okay,” she said quietly, almost as if reassuring herself.

“well it’s-uh late, i guess,” he said, a shaky cheerfulness in his voice that made the ghost of a smile play on her lips. “goodnight, and maybe call you tomorrow?”

“goodnight, toji.”

the line went quiet.

fuck.

but her mind certainly didn’t.

| Φ |

“it really brings me so much joy to have been able to help you, toji.”

“haha, thanks, but god, i just had so much more to say to her, ya know? but i think there’s still a chance, and i have you to thank for it.”

| Φ |

having toji fushiguro back in her life didn’t seem real.

it was slow and awkward, like dipping her toe into the cold sea again after having forgotten what it felt like. of course, he couldn’t stay in town for too long. tokyo and his work were calling him back, and she understood. so, they mainly kept in touch through texting, which was basically an all day affair. every spare moment they had, whether it was in between her making a cup of coffee, during study breaks, or toji in between training sessions. it would be a lie to say she wasn’t clinging tightly to every text, or that her heart didn’t leap every time her phone buzzed.

but it was also easy.

something she could nestle into, like a gentle wind beneath a bird’s wings.

sometime during the quiet nights of spring, they began calling each other to fill the silence.

“hey,” toji would greet, a bashful shyness in his voice, and she could tell that he was smiling.

she’d bite her lip to keep her own smile from forming. “hi.”

he’d ask her about her day, and all about what she was doing – every little mundane detail, as if toji was trying to collect all the parts of her that he’d missed. she told him about about her course, what she had been up to, and even about the summer she spent with satoru. he’d even ask her to remind him of some of the theories and laws she had told him about all those years ago, and she couldn’t tell if it was because he wanted to genuinely learn them again or if he just wanted to keep her on the phone longer.

she asked him about his life too. she learned that it was only a month after he arrived in tokyo that toji bumped into shiu kong in a random pachinko parlor. they had gotten talking, and before toji could count to three, shiu was already drawing up business plans for their doja on the back of a napkin. it was perfect, really. toji had the physical experience, and shiu had the connections – and, most importantly, the money.

“you know, i don’t think i’ll ever get used to just having money like this,” toji admitted, and she wanted to cry.

one day, after clearly skirting around the topic for some time, toji finally asked her, “so, uh, is satoru your…” he smacked his lips together. “boyfriend?”

“pft! no.”

his relief had been quite palpable.

“what about you?” she returned, chewing the inside of her cheek and tasting acrid metal. “have you been seeing anybody in tokyo?”

“no,” toji replied gently, like it was so silly she even asked in the first place. “not one.”

she knew her pathetic relief was most definitely palpable.

although, it wasn’t always so easy.

more often than not, just when they thought they had slipped into a sense of familiarity, the harsh reminders of the past came knocking. both of them would test the waters, perhaps asking a question that was too deep, too painful – usually about how they had coped in those early days of being apart.

it was just too hard for either of them to hear the answers. toji didn’t exactly enjoy hearing just how much she had hated him, or how utterly crippled she was for the first couple of months after he left. she could tell that it tore him up on the inside, and a part of her liked it. he deserved to feel every ounce of guilt he was capable of, and then some.

“you want to know what it felt like for me, do you?” she hissed, so much venom gushing from her bite that it even surprised her. “well, i’ll fucking tell you then.”

and she did, in great detail.

toji would snap back too, it was only human of him to.

“what, you think i had an easy time trying to fix myself?” he’d say, his voice quaking and breaking apart her resolve. “i didn’t. i was fucking miserable all the fucking time, and everytime i looked in the mirror i had my scar reminding me of my biggest fuck-up to date.”

those conversations usually ended up with her abruptly hanging up the phone and crying herself to sleep.

but she would always wake up to a message from toji, and they were always so incredibly gentle. he’d tell her how he just wanted them both to shed the weight of all their pain off their shoulders, and for her not to worry about how he felt heari all those things. that he could take it all – the pain, everything.

and that he still wasnt going anywhere.

it really struck her in those moments just how much he had changed.

still, there was something holding her back from falling back into him again.

and she wasn’t sure if it was because of satoru, who was less than impressed by it all.

“he called you, didn’t he?” he asked the day after toji called the first time, twirling a sugar packet between his fingers like he didn’t care what her answer was.

she gave him a look, saying nothing, and licked her dry lips.

he let out a long sigh, rubbing a hand over his face. “so…what? are you two back together now?”

“no,” she admitted quietly, feeling like a child about to be scolded. “but i’ve given him a chance.”

satoru’s eyes flashed a bright cerulean, like a star burning the brightest blue it ever could, before his gaze hardened.

finally, he grunted, “i get it.”

she almost spilled the latte she had been preparing.

he quirked a brow at her incredulous look and muttered, “i can’t sit here and pretend i wouldn’t do the same for suguru if i was able to.”

but before her smile could look too relieved, satoru added rather sharply, “but that doesn’t mean i like this.”

and that was that.

he never once asked how they were getting on or what they talked about. whenever her phone buzzed with a notification, he stared at it like he wanted to burn holes into it, but he said nothing – only a tight grimace appeared on his face, and that told her exactly how he felt about toji fushiguro.

and now, it was the end of her very last semester in the world of academics.

it was really dawning on her this time that her goodbyes would be final. that these last couple of months would be her last at the cafe and at the studio apartment she had eventually learned to love. on satoru’s insistence, she had decided to move on and get a proper job after graduating. he had told her he knew some contacts in tokyo who could hook them both up with decent jobs within the industry, and who was she to say no to that?

besides, it was nice to know that she wouldn’t be alone in this big, bad world.

she slipped through the door of the cafe, wiping the damp from her shoes on the entrance mat. there weren’t many students in studying at this time, the busier hours actually came later, at the start of the all-nighters. the students must have all heard that it was a quiet cafe at night, and now everyone came at the same time. the smell of sweet, buttery pastries made her tummy grumble, and she put a hand over her abdomen, as if that would quiet it down.

it did, because sitting right at the booth by the counter, was toji.

with satoru.

both their expressions were unreadable, but toji was hunched forward, nodding solemnly to whatever it was satoru was saying. her best friend had a towel draped over his taut shoulder, his starlight hair a mess, like he’d run his fingers through it one too many times.

she hesitated at the door.

what is going on?

satoru noticed her first, and his sentence trailed off like fading music. his gaze held hers firmly, fiercely. she felt that if she looked away, the world would crumble beneath her feet, and she would surely die. then, toji turned too, and the wind was knocked right out of her.

the cafe suddenly felt too small, not nearly big enough for all three of them and the weight of their pasts. satoru moved first, beckoning her over with his hand. her feet moved of their own accord, like she was a piece of metal drawn towards a magnet, helpless in trying to resist his pull.

“well,” satoru said lightly, placing the towel onto the counter. “i was just leaving.”

her throat tightened. “satoru.”

she didn’t know why the thought of being alone with toji felt more terrifying than being with both of them together, but it did. but the look that he gave her stopped her cold. it wasn’t harsh, not in the slightest, but it was mesmerizing – a thousand and one blue stars were exploding in his eyes. it made her heart hurt, her head swim with all the colors that made satoru gojo who he was. and then the stars softened into something warm and comforting, and she knew he was trying to tell her something without words.

he glanced at toji.

then back to her, giving her a barely perceptible nod.

it’s okay.

you can trust him.

she huffed a breath, the relief hitting her all at once. satoru turned back to toji, giving him a brief nod, and then he was out of the door.

a folded sheet of paper lay in front of toji, his large hand placed over it like he was afraid it might flutter away. she stood behind the counter now, a shy smile tugging at her lips as she tied her apron.

“i wanted to give this back to you,” toji said before she could say anything, a dusting of pretty pink on his cheeks as he slid the paper towards her. “i’m sorry for ripping your book.”

she unfolded the familiar paper, noting how the creases were soft and a little worn, and skimmed over the words.

oh my.

it was the page satoru had told her was missing from her book, the one about the theory of relativity, and right there in the corner was the equation for quantum entanglement written in blue ink.

“you once told me that when two particles belong together, they’ll always be connected no matter the distance between them. i’ve never forgotten it, not once this whole time.”

and then his hand was over hers, and the world and her heart was on fire.

“you still believe it?” she asked, her voice trembling, as she stared down at his thumb brushing her knuckles with a tenderness she had forgotten.

“yeah, because everything that i do, and everything that i am, is you.”

she didn’t know what toji fushiguro and satoru gojo had said to each other that day.

and perhaps she never would.

but as she poured toji a fresh batch of green tea into a big mug the way she used to, it didn’t really matter at all, did it?

| Φ |

“take care now, and i wish you all the best.”

“goodbye! and really, thankyou. for everything.”

| Φ |

today was a profoundly bittersweet occasion.

“satoru! i can’t believe this is actually happening.”

“well, you might want to start soon.”

it was her graduation day.

again.

there was some parts of it that felt unnervingly familiar, setting her teeth a slightly on edge at the reminders of the past. her kimono was laid neatly on her bed, exactly as it had been the first time. she was sat cross-legged in front of a mirror doing her makeup exactly the same way as she had on that fateful day.

but this time, it already felt better than it did the last time.

she wasn’t paralyzed with worry over the disappearance of a certain dark haired boy. she wasn’t sitting here working herself into a nervous fit over her future. no, she was here, in a new home with her best friend in the whole world. the one who had held her chin and tilted her head for her to look back up towards the stars. the one who had helped steady her shaking bones, his arms around her as he had called back the scattered atoms of her broken soul.

she looked at him fondly, far too fondly, and her angel of the stars looked back at her, alarmingly perplexed, his cheeks flushed in a bright strawberry red. “what?” he mumbled shyly.

he only got a giggle from her, her knees bouncing off the floor with a rush of excitement. she grinned as she she delicately swiped her mascara over her lashes, and satoru shook his head in confusion. he sat down carefully at the edge of her bed, smoothing out any little folds that had formed in her kimono. it was satoru’s graduation gift to her, actually – the kimono. they had picked out the fabric together, spending hours hiking through ridiculously expensive textiles that she insisted was too much, before settling on a luxuriously silky material with green and blue sakura flowers fluttering down the length of the fabric.

“you should have a piece of me on that stage,” he’d said, pointing to the blue petals, then to the green. “and i guess he deserves to be there too.”

it was then easy for her to decide that satoru gojo must be an angel.

she glanced at him again. “are you going to go and get ready, or what?”

“oh, psht! that wont take me long, don’t worry.”

he was currently in a plain black t-shirt and jeans, hair extra fluffy and untamable, and looked absolutely nowhere near ready to attend a graduation ceremony in less than an hour and a half.

“you better not, or i’ll actually kill you.”

satoru only rolled his eyes at that. “yeah yeah, sure. so you can give toji my ticket? no chance.”

while there had been a fragile peace between the two, and satoru didn’t grimace everytime she mentioned toji, he certainly still wasn’t as fond of the dark haired boy as she would have liked by this point.

“speaking of,” satoru continued with an air of nonchalance. “what is the guy doing today without a ticket?”

it had already been decided some time ago that satoru would be the one to have the spare ticket to her graduation. by the time toji had started getting closer to her, it had been too late to change it, and maybe it was also the faint lingering trauma from what had happened at the last one. she was hesitant to give it to him, and it would be a lie to say that toji wasnt disappointed.

though he had tried his best to hide it, she could see right through him.

“oh, he said he would try and sneak in the back to watch. if not, i’ll just meet him at the cafe later tonight.”

her best friend only hummed, watching with fascinated interested, his head tilted as she put her makeup on.

“sneaking in, huh? doesn’t really seem like his style.”

she shrugged her shoulders, blending an extra touch of concealer with her fingers. “he really wants to try and be there for me this time, you know?”

“as he should. i was sorta worried about you both for a while.”

“huh, you? worried about toji?”

“yeah, you’re right. it’s more of a very bland interest.”

she gave him a hard look.

“okay, okay! honestly though, i felt like the only thing stopping him from really getting to you was me. and that after we had that conversation, he would just dive straight back into what you guys had without a second thought.”

she glanced at satoru through the mirror. “well, neither of you want to tell me what you said to each other.”

“mind your business!”

“pft!”

“anyways, i guess it was more that i was worried about something happening and it tearing you apart again. i can’t watch that happen, not after you’ve just put yourself back together.”

satoru sighed, his knee bouncing rapidly. “and, well… i suppose i can only really ask you about how it's going.”

her hands suddenly felt stiff, and she set down her brush. “it’s not… easy, sometimes. we’ve talked about everything that happened, and its painful, but it also just feels good. there’s a part of me that feels more stitched together than i did before. we’re not perfect yet, but we’re both trying, and it’s nice.”

she added more softly. “we laugh more than we used to. a lot now, actually.”

the blue nebula in his eyes sparkled. “yeah?”

“haha, yeah.”

satoru hummed thoughtfully, “you really think its different this time?”

“yeah, i do, satoru.”

“you know, i’ve never told you this, but you say my name the way suguru used to.”

a shaky, lopsided smile played on her lips, her eyes glossing over. “he must have really loved you then.”

satoru’s pearly lashes fluttered, as if he was startled by the weight of her words, and another bashful blush spread across his cheeks, his lips forming a glossy pout.

“like i do,” she added, more teasingly this time. “in case that wasnt obvious enough already.”

“right, okay,” satoru huffed, rubbing the back of his neck as he turned his head away from her. “don’t get all mushy on me now, miss graduate.”

he got up and patted down his jeans, his fingers slipping into his left pocket to feel for his invitation. “i guess i’ll see you after it’s over.”

she squealed excitedly. “okay! see you later!”

| Φ |

the air outside the auditorium was positively electric.

huh, i must have missed out on this feeling the last time.

there were plenty of nervous, jittery smiles and hand shakes as the waiting room buzzed with static energy. she mingled briefly with some of her classmates, musing with them at how far they had come and all the challenges they had overcome. some of them even talked about what their plans were for the future, a few jaws dropping when she quietly admitted where she would be working in tokyo. soon enough, they were all being ushered in to take their seats on the stage.

the reality of the moment was really sinking in as she took her seat. as she smoothed out her kimono, her eyes scanned the seemingly endless rows, which were filling fast with family members and close friends.

she frowned.

satoru’s unmistakable starlight hair was nowhere to be seen.

he must be running late. hopefully he gets here before it starts.

the lights dimmed, and the doors at the back of the auditorium shut with a decisive thud.

i’m really going to kill him.

her heart panged with disappointment.

and then she saw him.

toji fushiguro.

the boy with dark hair who used to never have much to say, and was perfectly happy with not being liked by anybody – except her. the boy with forests in his eyes and a scar on his lip that he didn’t let anybody touch – except her.

the one who hadn’t been there the last time and almost seemed out of place now.

but he was here – for her.

because she was the unexpected variable, the singular exception that had been thrown into his routine equation just to shake the foundations of his existence. and maybe there would be other inexplicable formulas – there probably would – but that didn’t matter. she knew the angels had entangled them together, and there was nothing more to do or say about it. because no matter what had happened, or what would happen, they belonged to each other.

there was a constant pull for each other souls through the broken skin of a golden scar.

satoru must have given him his ticket.

toji was grinning at her, so proud and perfect, standing up and clapping for her like she was the only person in the room as she accepted her certificate.

the music of the angels played on in her mind, bright and clear, for one last time.

and her equation was finally solved.

| Φ |

©storiesoflilies 2024, all rights reserved. please do not plagiarize, translate, or repost any of my work on other sites! i only post on ao3 and tumblr.

[sorensolsikke]

here's some punk diy tips and ideas

[other than crusty pants and battle jacket, although we still love those greatly.]

why should you diy, when you can just find decorated items everywhere, you can ask. what if you are clumsy at painting or anything?

firstly, good questions. we diy so we don't give credit to the big companies who rule the world. we diy to get more independent from the system we dislike. we diy so to save money. to express uniqueness, recognize eachother and be recognized. and especially to have fun and feel cool. diy is not only about clothing, but anything you can set your mind on. of course, one cannot make EVERYTHING for themselves, there isn't enough time and energy. but making at least small steps are already a statement and more than nothing. also, helping small artists by buying their products is also pretty punk.

that being said, i provide you with some tips of mine, all gained from experience:

anything you drew/painted on, you will WANT TO protect. acrylic paint/markers + acrylic paint varnish/transparent nail polish/textile medium are your best friends. read after anything that's new to you.

i highly recommend working with old clothing or thrift shop finds when it comes to textiles, as it is environmentally friendly and you will stay in budget. Anyways, always make sure that the material you use isn't gonna be problematic. for example, if you want to do some patchwork, the material shouldn't decay easily (if it does, it will come off so quickly.). if you want to paint on it, it shouldn't be rugged.

you can not only draw/paint on your canvas shoes, but can also sew, embroidery (just make sure to use a thimble, plus floss instead of thread could make your work more durable), and add beads and trinkets to your shoelaces. in the case of shoes, never use glue (neither hot nor instant glue) – it will come off quickly. for some inspiration, i'll show you my shoes!

(the fake moss is literally unstoppable from falling off or getting dirty. risky idea.)

it's good to carry around water and food!! you don't even have to pay for decorative water bottles and food boxes, as you can draw on glass and plastic just fine with acrylic markers. just don't forget to paint transparent nail polish all over your drawing. in at least two layers. don't be lazy or laid-back. even posca comes off while washing the dishes. and you WANT TO save your reference pictures/final designs, as the case of emergency is likely. but after all, my water bottle is exactly fine after six months, with no accuring problem.

if your current best option to get stickers from is aliexpress or overpriced decor stores, search for local artists and shops on instagram and tiktok, as it may be their most efficent way of getting you to know them. if it seems like you have no chance, you may can still find a print shop with the option of printing on self-adhesive sheets (at least in hungary, those are pretty cheap). and if you want drawings to print out as stickers, you may use your own or –ONLY IF YOU GET PERMISSION– other artist's work. not only good for decorations for like, headphones, but for vandalism too. WAIT WAIT who said that. who said it. not me. no never

(in case that's also impossible, you can create stickers by printing out/drawing a picture, cover it up in transparent adhesive tape, and then put some two-sided adhesive tape on the white side of the pic. it won't be that durable, but it functions.)

if you want to bleach-paint clothing, get some plastic brushes!! any other brush dissolves. draw your design first with chalk!! never forget to put cardboard inside the clothing, and to wash the finished work in a washing machine before you'd put it on. prepare to be patient with the process. and it's not dangerous to touch 5%-9% household bleach, just wash your hands soon after.

if you want your crusty pants to last veryyy long, wax them. look up on youtube jeans waxing.

some more things i made for myself so to give you some inspiration: totebag with pockets, a small crystal holder cabinet, badges, and i decorated some t-shirts, button-ups, an id card case, phonecase, laptop.

theoretically speaking, there is nothing that an individual would be unable to learn how to make, when it comes to diy. you can't imagine how easy it is to bake bread at home. consuming-focused media makes people believe that it's hard to make anything. of course, everyone has to decide about their own priorities, i don't want to convince or change anyone in here. and if you have any questions, send an ask!! i hope i had been helpful.

[msbigredmachine]

3 Sluts (Jey Uso)

Jey got two of 'em spittin’ on that thang… 😈💦

Pairings: OC/Jey Uso/OC

Word Count: 1732

Warnings: Threesome, SMUT

Credit to the owners of the pics and gifs.

----------------

His dark eyes, hazy, fixated and awestruck; his long fingers quivering on the back of her head. The cool outdoor breeze wafted over his saliva-slick length each time it escaped the warmth of her mouth, making him tremble in his spot on the large patio chair overlooking the clear blue waters of the Mediterranean Sea. 

“Mmm…yeah, baby, I like that,” he drawled, watching her lather up her spit all over his dick with her hand before slipping him back in her mouth. He felt his body deflate with a low, satisfied moan as she sucked him thoroughly, her acrylic nails scraping his turgid flesh as they worked in rhythm with her warm, tight throat. Main Event Jey Uso was in Paradise, in more ways than one.

“Yeah, Lolo, get that shit.”

The familiar sultry voice prompted Jey to look up, his stare softening from lust to love as his girlfriend, Iris, stepped through the sliding glass door onto the balcony. Wearing a yellow string bikini that complimented her curvy body and brown skin, it was a welcome switch from the seriousness of the power suits she donned at work. Said power also allowed her to whisk him away to the sun-kissed climates of Mykonos on a private jet for some well deserved time off, much of which included getting tag-teamed by her and her best friend London. 

Dating the heiress to the world’s most valuable Black-owned sportswear company granted Jey access to many precipices of pleasure around the world, such as the palatial villa the threesome were currently isolated in and had christened multiple times in just a few days. To have two of the most beautiful women he’d ever laid eyes on sharing their bodies with him on the regular was quite the experience, and he loved every second. There was never a dull moment with his fun, sexy freak of a girlfriend and her even bigger freak of a BFF.

“Hey baby,” he greeted her, rolling the breakfast trolley aside so she could squeeze into the chair with him. “That sleep was good, huh? It’s nine in the morning.”

“Y’all can’t blame me, you two knocked me out last night. Woulda slept some more if it wasn’t for all the moaning and cheek-clapping going on here,” she laughed. “The windows are open so I can hear everything.” She bent low to accept his kiss and lovingly stroked London’s hair, smirking at the look of complete bliss on her man’s face thanks to her best friend's magic mouth. “She’s good, ain’t she,” she asked.

London released Jey’s dick long enough to brag, “I ain’t just ‘good’, I’m the fuckin’ best.”

“Um, not as good as me, bitch,” Iris argued playfully, eyeing up her boyfriend through her long lashes as she guided his face back to hers, “Ain’t that right, Daddy?”

Her kisses were the cure for every ailment, Jey had since acknowledged, as he kneaded the soft, plump flesh of her derriere, moaning into her mouth as her tongue circled sensually around his own. At the same time, he felt his dick slide deeper down London’s throat, short-circuiting his senses momentarily. Iris giggled and decided to ease up on him, grabbing the can of whipped cream off the breakfast tray. Spraying a generous amount on a large strawberry, she held it to Jey’s parted lips for a bite. He chewed on it with a happy sigh, making her smile. It was nice to see him relaxed after working so hard for so many months.

“Mmm. Tastes perfect, just like yo sexy ass,” Jey praised, gifting her with a smack on her backside, “Give some to Lo, too,” he instructed.

Iris did as she was told and fed London with another strawberry. London sat up and took a sloppy bite, causing the juice to trickle down her chin, past the column of her neck and between her bare breasts. “Ooh, I made a mess,” she commented, licking her lips and eyeing up her friend with a sly, dark expression. “Help me clean it off, babe?” 

Iris looked at her with a wicked grin of her own before leaning over Jey’s prone body to lap up the sweet juice that had dripped down London’s chin. London’s giggles dissolved to soft sighs as Iris used her tongue to trail the rivulet all the way down to the middle of her breasts, angling her head to suck her pierced nipple into her mouth. With a throaty moan, London sat up straighter, cupping Iris’s face and pulling her in for a kiss. 

Wrestling fans have described a lot of his recent content as cinema, but to Jey, nothing he did could ever compare to the visual of hot, sexy women making out. It was a joy to watch the two centers of his universe indulge in each other. London moaned with every sweep of Iris’ tongue inside her mouth, his sexy girlfriend taking charge like she always did. Her grip on London’s chin was firm as their kiss deepened and got hotter. When it became too hot and he started to feel left out, he cleared his throat to recapture their attention, prompting the women to pull apart and giggle mischievously.

“Looks like Daddy’s missing us,” London commented, coming closer to press her lips to Jey’s, sharing the joint tastes of strawberry and Iris with him.

“Mm-hmm, sure looks like it,” Iris agreed, sharing a devilish smile with her bestie. “Let’s give him what he wants, shall we?”

Iris slithered down her boyfriend’s muscled body and settled on top of London, the can of whipped cream in her grasp. With her breasts pressed against London’s back, Iris drizzled some whipped cream all over Jey’s dick, from tip to ballsac, smiling when he hissed from the cold dessert against the sensitivity of his groin. London was going in on his balls while Iris wrapped her tongue around his tip, teasing for a few seconds before taking him fully into her mouth. The pleasure was quick to engulf him, his body hypnotized by their warm, eager mouths. He glanced down at his two girls, one on top of the other, his lips parted slightly in a sex-induced stupor as they feasted on his dick and his balls; it was hard to determine whose ministrations he was enjoying more. 

“Fuck,” Jey whispered, his body melting into the chair, his hand coming up to cover his eyes. Head from London was already mind-blowing enough, but adding Iris to the mix took it to another stratosphere. His dick had not known peace since they touched down on the island, buried in either one of his girls’ holes at any given time. Not that he was complaining, not at all. He could feel the slow strokes of Iris’ thick lips up and down his dick, marking every inch of his sensitive flesh like a skilled painter working her canvas. Meanwhile, London’s mouth was stuffed with his balls. Her free hand was underneath him squeezing his ass, adding a new layer of sensation that caught him off guard enough to buck his hips suddenly, pushing himself deeper down Iris’ throat which made her gag a little. But she was never one to back down, coming up for air for a split second before going back in. His deep voice rattled with pleasure as he gripped her hair, desperately holding on as he lost himself to the wetness of their mouths and their sensual moans and sexy slobbers, intensifying the heat swirling in the pit of his stomach. 

Handing the reins back to London, Iris returned to Jey’s side and caressed his sun-bronzed abs, watching his eyes roll to the back of his head with a smirk. He was getting closer, she could tell from his breaths, shallow and erratic, his handsome features scrunched in painful pleasure as she and London drove him crazy. 

“Unnh, I’m gonna fuckin’ come,” he groaned, moaning again when Iris nibbled on the side of his neck, pinching with her teeth.

“Mmm, look at me, Daddy, you look so fuckin’ hot when you’re about to nut,” she cooed, rubbing her hand up and down his tattooed torso as he managed to drag his gaze to hers. She leaned down and kissed him, using her tongue to play with his mouth. In her peripheral vision she could see London cranking it up, her head and hands rotating ominously around his dick. “You gon’ fill up her mouth with your cum, baby? Cuz she’s been such a good little slut for you?”

Too wound up to speak, he could only nod his head with wide, glazed-over eyes. Iris plucked his nipple between her fingers, stimulating him some more. Her mouth and tongue loved all over the side of his throat, combining lethally with London’s deep throat soon plummeting him into that familiar abyss of ecstasy. 

“Oh shit, shit, fuck!” Jey moaned, tossing his head back as the powerful orgasm crashed over him. His entire body jerked as his cum shot out and landed all over London’s chin and lips. The more she jerked him off, the harder he came in mesmerizing waves. The creamy, white nut covered his dick and trickled down to his balls and London left none of it behind. He struggled to gather his breath, exhaling shakily as she ran her tongue all over his still-sensitive length with a sultry giggle.

“Good boy,” Iris praised him, running her fingers through his hair and kissing his temple.

“Damn, y’all gon’ be the death of me,” Jey breathed, staring up adoringly at his girlfriend.

After London had licked him clean, she stood up and adjusted her bikini top. “Well, this was fun. But it’s gettin’ kinda hot. Wanna take the party inside?”

“You sure?” Iris asked, as London rounded the chair, kissed both her lovers on the mouth and helped them to their feet. “Yeah. We not doin' nothin' all day,” she reminded them, “I don’t mind just layin’ back and watching y’all. You two are so hot together.”

“Now where’s the fun in that?” said Jey, throwing one arm around Iris and the other around London as they stepped back inside the villa. “When we get upstairs, gimme ten minutes to recharge. Then Lolo, you gon sit’ on my face. Baby, you ridin’ my dick. I wanna see that ass bounce on me…”

THE END

----------------

Random drabble, I know, lol. Thoughts?

🏷️: @wrestlingprincess80 @fame-ass-ers @southerngirl41 @alyyaanna @tribalhoochie @jstarr86 @murrylove @thewarlordsworld @mzv11 @cozyaliensuperstar7 @nayys-world @hunnidmilly @cyberdejos2 @papireigns-05  @harmshake @niknakbucks92 @captainwithoutmakingitlove @sovereigngoth @aisharmi @kennedi0818 @alichesmi @thesamoanqueen @herwickedlittlesins @questionable-behaviour @tribalchiefreigns @2-muchsauce @thatbxtchsblog @raya-hunter01 @marchi36753 @lovelysuccess @christinabae @wooahmiri @thatonecarebear @tabletheofhead @rheaanddamianfan @vebner37 @hanley1577 @princessesareforsuckers @-naturally @joannasteez @bbygirlky18 @lilucey @theninthwonder @melaninsugababy @chocovibesonly @msbluehaz3 @scarlettnoir01 @heerah34 @empressdede @tbmotw @darkangelchronicles @visionarymode @marasdeathnote @aintnorainbows @meggylynnloves @shantinextdoor @harlemblipster  @trc-punzel @afterdarkprincess @nbanenefrmdao @sassginaswanmills @purplehairgawdess @holisticcoach @girlwhogaf @royalkay23 @heyitsnajabrinee @stoner2k @reci1996 @catxo @iamimanim @lookmais @ts1mp0ne @lizzyd1ish @m3llowww @skyesthebomb @final1miya @kia1996 @randomuser0711 @yourtribalqueen @caramelcleopatraa @katymae12344 @that-one-anxious-mango @yana3sworld @ajenae @truefant4sy @thetribalqueen @bhjszsdxc @paigereeder @christinabae @justazzi @maknaehyucks @mindairy @headoftheetable @truefant4sy @mscarter213 @ariiaeltheedonn @sageispunk @xbriexx

[v7n5]

More experimentation with acrylic markers. I wanted to make some concept art for my designer/model au so here’s Nacho as a DSQUARED2 model (mostly inspired by their SS24 show)

I tried to lay down more natural looking colors this time. One thing that bothers me is that the small set I got didn't allow me to go darker on his skin tone because the shade range is horrid. I had to digitally alter it to my liking the best I could or else it’ll kill me. If you think some parts look weird or blurry, that’s because I edited tf out of these.

Inspo and references under the cut.

Poses and looks from the runway (kinda obsessed with the cut of that pink mini tee and the gender affirmation it's giving. I need it. There's also a "It's a girl" one.)

Denim and oversized sagging pants would be Jesse's signature. It's in no way his to invent or own, but he'd adopt it during his teenage years.

Adult gay magazines and a zine from the 70s - 2000s. I love how the third one sounds like it's taking a dig at some straight people who cannot seem to recognize the existence of queerness in media unless it's deliberately spelt out for them lol, but that's just my personal interpretation.

Adult TV channel from the 80s.

This certified classic & banger that opened the SS24 show.

I also came across this motivational message by Dean and Dan Caten themselves and think it's so iconic and endearing. Jesse would definitely hype the models up in his own fun and unapologetic way like this.

[sparda-soully]

Disturbance of the Peace

Parents Fyolai x adopted, daughter! reader

Headups: Strictly PLATONIC with reader! Fyodor and Nikolai are husbands bc yes. Fyodor, Nikolai, and some other characters may be OOC so I apologize for that. Just silly fun with the Dostoevsky-Gogol Family!!

Just writing this to highlight the fluff, found family troupe and totally not bc my husband (ahem, Fukuzawa) was like that in the latest chapter 😇. Hope you enjoy this!!

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

Sounds of water were dripping against the acrylic sink. Soon, a brushing noise was followed afterwards. In the mirror, a young girl — who looked about seven years old — was seen brushing her teeth with a light blue toothbrush. Her outfit was pajamas with tiny strawberries scattered across her pants. She carefully move her toothbrush back and forth in small strokes as to not damage her gums; father said to be careful after all!....Although papa highly encouraged her to do so as it was supposedly "fun". Yeah right.

Getting every nook and cranny of her teeth, she gathered water into a small cup, raising it to her lips. She tooked a gulp of water, swirling and gargling the water mixed with the toothpaste before spitting the fluid out. Then, filling her palms with the lukewarm water, she washed her face, relinquishing the sudden warmth. The faucet turned, shutting the water off. With her eyes closed, she fiddled her fingers around, trying to feel where she left her towel at. Upon reaching the area she left it at, her fingers didn't made any contact with the soft material.

——————

'...That's weird. I thought I put it here', you thought, finally opening your eyes. You ignored the wetness that was drenched on your face in favor of searching for your towel. Your e/c eyes stared at the marble countertop, blinking in confusion as the realization caught up to you. The towel where you originally placed it at was missing, making you utterly perplexed. "...Huh..?", you mumbled, standing there.

You were sure you placed it there; there was no way it disappeared! Unless if it was–. As if you finally caught on about the mysterious disappearance of your towel, a voice called behind you. "Why hello little dove! How is my favorite girl doin'?", an eccentric voice inquired. Turning around, you were greeted with your papa, Nikolai bending down at your height. His visible bluish grey eye pierced directly into your e/c eyes, seemingly staring into your soul.

"папа..?", you said his name which earn you a bigger smile. Frenzied, exotic laughter erupted from his lips, sharp teeth made its appearance. "Bingo! That's me", he cheered, still staring straight at you without blinking. His smile etched further on his face, stretching across cheeks until it finally reached its limit. The two of you maintained eye contact, not breaking it at all as if the two of y'all were cats quietly sneaking up upon your prey.

Silence loomed over the two of you until you decided to break it. "What are you doing here?", you asked, finally blinking which made you lose the game the two of you were silently engaged in. Hearing your question, your papa swiftly stand back up in a dramatic way. "Oh poor me! My own daughter doesn't want to see me, how utterly terrible! You don't care about your dear old dad? Who could've raise such monster", he whined, placing his hands over his heart as he wore a crestfallen expression.

"Eh? No! I mean–What are you doing back home early? You and отец were busy with Uncle Sigma and Grandpa with something", you mentioned. Immediately, Nikolai's expression shifted into a beaming one. "Well we're finished now! So come on and let's play some games. Ooo, how about Go Fish, Patty Cake? Or how about Stab the Jester? It's your favorite!", he sprouted game suggestions. Your papa was big on the idea of games, after all kids your age were supposed to enjoy their youth so here comes the introduction of games! Although, they all have his own little spin of his twisted mind especially that last one but we don't talk about that! That's for later.

Your eyes sparkled, practically beaming at the idea of playing your favorite game, Stabbing the Jester. You wished you could played but unfortunately, one you had school tomorrow and two you still have to find your lost towel. Giving your papa a sad smile, you slowly shook your head which made him have a confused look. His daughter never turned down his amazing ideas so why now?

"Sorry papa, but I have school tomorrow. You know, father will scold me and you if he catches us playing games this late at night", you explained, giving him an apologetic look. It was true, your father was strict and stern when it came to your studies, wanting you to sleep early and study to exceed your brilliant intelligence further. It was a significant contrast to your papa who was the whimsical, quirky parent that spoils their child rotted. "Ugh who cares what Fedya said? We'll keep it a secret, pinky promise!", he proposed, lifting his pinky and wiggling it in the air, eagerly encouraging you to entangled your pinky with his. As tempting as it was, you still didn't want to face your father's wrath.

Still, you shook your head which made Nikolai pouted, his eyes narrowing at your declination. "No thanks, I don't wanna deal with father's punishment. Besides I need to find my towel...", you gazed around, trying to search for your towel. Hearing that you were looking for your towel, Nikolai's face suddenly faltered into a cheeky, evil smirk. His teeth flashed at you as a glint of anticipation and excitement glimmered in his bluish eye. Uh oh. Before you could speak, he cuts you off with a big grin.

"Quiz time!", those two words made you mentally groaned to yourself. If he's doing one of his quiz, that means he has an answer to it. "Where do you think you put your towel at?", he inquired, putting his pinky finger down. He brought his hands behind his back, letting his black and white cape draped over him. A mischievous expression formed on his face, tugging his lips into a big smile. "It was on the counter but it's gone...so that means y-", before you could finished, your papa interrupted you.

"Ding Ding Ding! Did you say I used my ability? Well you're indeed correct my маленький ангел!", he spoiled the answer out of his own excitement that was surging within him. You sighed, already fed up with his antics. Glancing up at him, you gave him a look which made him chuckled. Nikolai was amused by your behavior; he wanted to spend time with you right now since he was practically gone by the moment you woke up because the Decay of Angels had a meeting all of a sudden. So, he'll do whatever it is to keep you and himself entertain, even if that meant preventing you from getting sleep.

You were about to ask him to give it back when you felt something soft patting your cheek. Averting your eyes to your right, you saw an orange portal with Nikolai's dark magenta glove grasping the towel. He gently wiped your wet face with slow strokes as if you were a delicate kitten. You noticed your papa's visible eye softened with a look of content and love swirling in them. It was a rare sight to see your papa like this, deep in a trance while gently taking care of you like any good parent would for their kids.

After he dried your face, he bop your nose, shooting a wink at you which made you giggle. He deactivated his ability, placing the towel back on the counter. Briskly, he scooped you into his arms, lifting you and tossing you up in the air. High pitched squeals and laughter escaped from you when you were latched in the air. As he threw you up in the air, he skillfully and efficiently moved out of the bathroom and into your bedroom while tossing you up and down like a ragdoll. It was a normal occurrence for you and your papa; yeah it wasn't ideal and was dangerous for numerous reasons but if you're happy and having fun, then he'll continued toss you in the air just for you to be a free bird spreading its wings and soaring through the air. This process repeated for some time, disturbing your sleep schedule.

It seems like that high pitched noises and laughter drawn another person's presence. Footsteps stride towards your bedroom with precise, fluent movement. A pale hand grasped your doorknob, turning it to the side before opening it fully. I guess the fits of excitement drowned the noise of someone coming in. "Y/n. Koyla", a monotone voice made you and your papa directed y'all's gaze towards the man standing by the doorway. Instantly, Nikolai stopped throwing you in the air, still carrying you in his arms. A surprised gaze washed over his face as your hands clutched your papa's two-toned jacket. Your heart skipped a beat, sweat dripped down your brow as you stared at your father in a look that children gave to their parents when they did something wrong.

Sharp, dark purple eyes glared at you, making you shy away from him. You buried your face into your papa's clothes, wrinkling his attire greatly. "Nikolai, why are you pestering our child with your foolish antics? It's passed her bed time", his thick Russian accent accentuate his sterness. His husband just blinked at his words, slightly pouting at his serious partner; readjusting you in his arms, he made sure you weren't fully looking at your father. "But Fedya! It's only 9:30 pm, and I haven't seen my favorite dove at all! Just let us have some father-daughter time for a bit", he whined, drastically swaying his body from side to side. Fydor just stared, unfazed by his actions or whiny voice. This was the man he choose to married...so of course he'll be used to his tomfoolery.

"No. She has school tomorrow", your father begins to sauntered towards you two. His long coat fell behind him with each stride he took. He gave Nikolai a look, but Nikolai still had you in his arms, refusing to give you to him. Your father sighs at the stubborn man. "Koyla, do you want her to be sleepy in class?", he asked, making him pondered. Eventually, he slowly shook his head no. Yes he was a deranged man but he still cared about your health! You were just a small dove, having lack of sleep could possibly hindered your performance of soaring through the sky, something he greatly feared. Finally acknowledging defeat, he gazed back at you, pulling your face off from his wrinkled buttoned up jacket.

"Ah I guess you're right, having a sleepy bird wouldn't be so good now will it? So it's time to return back to the nest for some proper rest!", he exclaimed with a smile returning back to his face. Nikolai carried you to your bed, ready to place you down and tuck you in, but your father interfered. "Koyla, you should go. I'll tuck her to bed", he asserted. Hearing his words, Nikolai felt shock that Fyodor suggested such thing; I mean, he should tuck you in, clearly he's the better parent when it came to "sleeping"....Or so he claims, in fact he isn't the ideal person of tucking a small child to bed without telling some stories that will leave them up at night.

"Eh, why not?! I'm perfectly capable of putting her to sleep!", he pulls you futher into his embrace, refusing to let you go. Of course he'll be on the offense side right now. "Remember the last time you tuck her into bed? You told her a story that made her have nightmares for a few days. She was forced to sleep in our room. I won't let that happen again", Fyodor's remark made Nikolai shot a glare at him.

"Hey it was funny!". "Not to her though".

You knew that your papa will go back and forth with your father over this small issue, so you tugged on his jacket, causing him to averted his attention to you. "Papa, I want отец to tuck me to bed", your comment made Nikolai sulk. You wanted your father more than him? Haha! What a funny joke...right? "Oh how cruel of you! You just broke my heart into millions of pieces! Such a ferocious mouth you have. So you would rather hang out with your father than me?", he begins his drama cries, hoping you'll fall for it. Unfortunately for him, you were so smart for your age that the guilt tripping didn't fazed you. "No, I didn't say that. I just want father to tucked me to bed", you clarified, earning you a huff. "Fine...But just know I'm getting you out of school early tomorrow!", he declared, staring directly at you which made you smiled a bit. "No Nik-". "Alright папа! Let's play tons of games tomorrow!", you beamed in excitement with the thought of getting picked up early.

Fyodor wanted to say no, but with the two of y'all already chatting about plans tomorrow, he decided to let this slide just this once. His eyes still remained on his husband, urging him to say his goodbyes just so they could talk alone. Seeing his husband's hidden message, Nikolai quickly tossed you up in the air one last time before pulling you into a bone crushing embrace which made it harder for you to breath. Sensing the sudden lack of air you had, he loosen his clutches around you. "Ah goodnight my little angel! Sleep tight and let song birds drifted you to sleep", with his final goodnight, he ruffles your hair a bit before giving you to your father. He gave one more look at his loving family before exiting out of the room leaving you two alone.

You were now in your father's arms, glancing up at him with a glimpse of wonder and nervousness shining in your eyes. Dark purple eyes stared back at you as his grip around him was gentle compare to your papa's. You wanted to say something but couldn't because of your thoughts blaring and tainting your mind with negativity about your father's disappointment of not following his words. As if he knew the internal conflict stirring within you, he spoke up. "It's alright, маленький ангел", he reassured you, slowly placing you down on the soft mattress. He pulled the blanket over you, letting the new found warmth consumed you. Still, you felt bad that you went against your father's words. Your eyes were glue on the dark red blanket, fingers firmly gripping the cozy material.

"...I know but still. I could've told papa I was heading to bed, instead I gotten distract", your mouse like voice made him hum. You didn't get an instant response from your father which made you more tense. Will he have an outburst just like others before when you didn't follow their orders?...No, you shouldn't think about them, they didn't matter now. You have father and papa now and that's all that matters, you're safe.

"Like I said, it's alright. There's no need to fret over something minor like that. You're just a child. I don't expect you to be sharp with your time", he raised his hand and carefully patted your head. The unexpected affection made you staggered, unable to process what just happen. You calmed your breaths, letting yourself relaxed at the sudden weight bestowed on your head. It felt nice to endured, experienced even especially since your father wasn't a man who displayed affection often. His reassureness and touch seemingly eased you down enough that your worries begin to leisurely slip away from your mind and heart.

"However, that doesn't mean I'll let this slide though", he reprimanded which you expected. Your father was the strictest out of your family, but he means well; he has his own way of showing that he cares and one of them was being strict. "You'll be accompanying me after school. There you will write and speak in Russian as well as Ukrainian and you must perform them in front of me. Do you understand?", his expression never faltered from his neutral look. He maintained his respectful composure and spoke in a professional, authoritative manner that accentuated his place as a parent.

You listened with keen ears, indulging his words carefully. "Mhm, I understand, father", you muttered with a small nod. Finally, you spared a glimpse at your father's dark purple eyes. It was refreshing seeing him again; the calm voids of his eyes made you feel better. His eyes told so much more than his words and body language. Concern clouded his eyes, yet his body posture was straight and firm as if nothing happened. The phrase, "Eyes don't lie", truly can described who your father was.

"Y/n, I'm not angry at you", he adds again, hoping those words go through that thick skull of yours. "You went along with Koyla's antics because you missed him. You missed us and I apologize for not spending much time with you lately", he brushed the strands away from your face so he could see your expression. Your eyes shot opened with your lips agape. At first, you couldn't speak due to this but alas, words finally spilled from your mouth. "It's okay, отец. Work has been keeping you and papa busy", you said.

You never knew what your dads did for work as it wasn't your business. Although, you visit their supposed based before and sat in your father's lap as he did some stuff on his computer. Sometimes, your grandpa will take you away and make the Hunting Dogs watched you while he and your family do some...work. "How about I'll take you to one of those new cafe that recently opened up? The one you keep pestering us about", he asked which made you immediately deepen your gaze on him. "REALLY!? You'll take me?", you tossed the blanket off of you, now sitting up on your knees. Eyes sparkled in anticipation, waiting for his answer.

Chuckles erupted from him due to your outburst. "Of course. It'll be you and I. I'll sent Koyla to do something with Sigma", he said, making you more excited. It looked like you were about to burst any minute with enthusiasm fueling your body. "But you need to go to sleep. You have school tomorrow", being reminded of school, you sulked. You didn't want to go to that dreadful place with a bunch of average kids; you were much better than them evident to your straight A's on your report cards and test. You wanted to hang out with your family, but it looks like that was only possible after school and on weekends. Oh well, at least you were gonna be having much fun with your parents this week!

Fyodor begins to tuck you in again much to your disappointment. The clock on your wall read 9:42, about a good 12 minutes has passed since your small scolding happened. When your Russian father pulled the blacket over your small body, he was about to leave when your fingers gripped his white shirt. "Hm? What is it?", he looked back at you with a confused look. "Can you read me a bed time story...?", you gave him your best puppy dog eyes. "But it's passed your bed time-". "Pleassssseeee", you pleaded, still tugging on his shirt relentlessly. With a sigh, he turned around, sauntering back towards you.

This action made your lips curled upwards. You let go of his shirt, pulling the blanket further on you. Fyodor headed towards your book shelf, scanning at each book before landing on one of them that caught his eye. He pulled it out, staring at the cover as he walked back towards you. Pulling out a chair, he sat down in a close yet far away distance. "Is this good?", he showed you the book. You observed the book with wonder and interest and with a smile, you nod.

Getting a confirmation, he read off the title and author, crediting them before opening the book. Soon, the once quiet air was filled with a thick Russian accent. The way he pronounced each words gave a calming effect as if soothing you to sleep. Flipping through page after page, he read each line with clarity and sharpness. His quiet yet soothing voice was making you droopy. You felt yourself gradually shifting back and forth to the dream world and the real world. Alas, your eyelids touched each other, making your eyelashes act like closed gates. Small snores escaped your mouth and you finally succumb to a deep slumber.

And as soon as your father said those fairytale words, you were completely knock out. You nuzzled against your blanket, seeking its warmth with great possessiveness. Fyodor's lips twitched into a small smile; he closed the book, standing up before returning the book back onto its original position on the shelf. He slide the chair back to its place by your table, and he loomed over you. Seeing how peaceful and innocent you look, a soft, tender glint glimmered in his eyes. You were just a child after all of this, a child in this God forsaken world. After everything that happened to you, you still acted like a child regardless of your past.

He swore he'll changed this world by completing his goal: a world without ability users. He will carried out God's will and fulfilled his dream to ensure his daughter's innocence and prevent losing his husband. Bending down, he kissed your forehead before reciting a little prayer to you. He stood up, fixing up your blanket to make sure you were warm enough. He strolled towards the door, hands already on the doorknob. He took one last glimpse at your sleeping figure. "Goodnight, маленький ангел", he muttered, turning the lights off before exiting out of your room and closing the door behind him.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

Merry Christmas y'all! Hope you all are having an amazing Christmas! And if yall don't celebrate it, then Happy Holidays! ^ ^

I just wanted to write something Bungo Stray Dogs related as I'm getting back into this silly show/manga. (Please I just wanted to do something platonic and fluff bc of the latest chapters occurring in the bsd manga 🥲)

All rights reserved!! | Please do not steal, claim, or plagiarized this as I put a lot of effort into this | Dec. 25, 2024 | ©Sparda-Soully

[haxkattpress]

The Bolthole by aideomai, Tepre, and GallaPlacidia

I'm absolutely thrilled to finally share my first fic bind here on Tumblr! I completed this bind back in November, and it introduced me to so many wonderful people.

You can find pictures and detailed explanations of my process under the cut.

This is "The Bolthole" by Aideomai, Tepre, and (formerly) GallaPlacidia on Ao3. The cover design is adapted from "The Little Brother" (1902) by Josiah Flynt. The typeset is my own.

I fell in love with this cover the moment I saw it, and wanted to try to recreate it with book cloth. As a hobbyist book binder, I like to try to revitalize older designs from the public domain. There are so few copies of this book left in the world, so I thought it would be fun to give it new life as the cover of a contemporary story.

The cover is made out of three different colors of book cloth from the Allure and Verona lines. The book cloth and endpapers were bought from Hollander's.

I used my Cameo 4 and a strong tack mat to cut the design out of each color of book cloth. I then assembled the pattern like a puzzle. It was MUCH harder than it sounds! Some of the pieces were incredibly thin and fragile, and they were difficult to keep track of.

For the foiling, I used my Cameo 4 and the We R Memory Keepers fine tip foil quill for everything but the spine, which I did by hand. I foiled immediately after I cut, without removing my mat from the machine. This helped me line everything up. It did not, however, prevent me from sweating bullets as my machine worked.

This method was, frankly, torture, but I'm really glad that I tried it. Now that I've had a nice long break, I'd like to try it again soon. I love running my hands over this book, and the texture of the book cloth feels wonderful under my fingertips. I do, however, have a few words of caution. Do not try this out unless you have book cloth to burn! Here are some pictures of just a few of my failures.

The Cameo 4 is not your friend. Your cut-outs can and will get fucked up for no reason. If the mat isn't sticky enough, or the blade isn't sharp enough, or the fabric doesn't adhere properly, your design could get completely shredded. I strongly recommend that you avoid Verona book cloth, or anything with a paper backing and loose fibers. It was absolute hell to work with. When it wasn't shredded by the machine, it was fraying like crazy. Acrylic coated cloth is the way to go if you want clean lines. And, you know, your sanity intact.

This was my most challenging bind to date, but I learned a lot! Aside from experimenting with book cloth, automated foiling, and my Cameo 4, it was also my first time formatting, printing, and sewing a text block. I'm incredibly grateful for all of the online tutorials and wonderful people who helped me make this bind a reality!

[90ekz]

HANDY(WO)MAN

connie springer x fem!black!reader

in which: connie never lets you jerk him off, and you show him what he’s missing.

tags: hand kink, bondage/shibari, sub!connie, black feminine reader, nicknames (princess, baby, ma), snowballing (im sorry.)

notes: been gone so long and my first fic back is about this bum :/ i missed y’all tho lol

“pleaseeee con! this would be a dream come true!” you beg to connie as your head rests in his lap. he makes a face as you mention this fact, still not understanding the appeal in all this.

see, in your almost year of dating, connie has never let you touch his cock with your hands. blowjobs? he welcomes them, just no hands. titfucking? great, take your bra off, but handjobs? he’ll get all red in the face and lock himself in the bathroom for hours if you even get close to it.

you can’t pull off his pants for him, or put your hand on his thigh, or tug him by his belt—yeah, he’s that squeamish.

“why are you so obsessed with jacking me off anyway? we do everything else in bed already—“

“exactly! we do everything else kinky in the damn world, just lemme give you a handjob, boy.” you flick the middle of his forehead lightly, watching as a blush spreads across his cheeks. you really wanted to go through with this, and he could tell.

to be clear, connie is by no means shy about sex or his own dick, considering the things you two have done in bed. despite this…

handjobs scared him.

it isn’t the act of getting one, so much as it is his fear of cumming as soon as your pretty little nails wrap around his cock. your hands were his weakness. whenever you touch him, he has to run to the bathroom just to keep from ruining his pants in front of you.

connie eyes your hands that are currently playing with the strings of his sweatpants. you’re giving him those doe eyes that you know he can’t resist, and his cock is already hardening in his pants.

“only if you want to, of course. but ya know… don’t knock it ‘till ya try it.”

“…you’re real annoying, you know that? fine, do your thing.” he smirks down at you as your own smile widens, and you spring up and begin to pepper kisses along his cheeks and neck, whispering to him how much he’s gonna love this.

somehow, none of that begging prepared for what you had in store for him.

“baby, are you sure all of this is necessary? this is… a lot for just a handjob..”

connie felt his cheeks rapidly heating as you tied not only his hands, but his arms flush against his back as well. he could barely move his upper half, due to the nature of the ropes. they extended all the way up to his biceps, and looped around to his waist and chest in a way that restricted most of his movement.

he’d always loved bondage in bed, and this was a bit excessive for his tastes, but he couldn’t complain with the way your eyes were twinkling with excitement.

“i gotta make sure you don’t try to ‘run’ like you claim i always do. you gon’ take this shit.” you lay your head on his waistband, trying not to sound condescending as he turns red.

you start slow, your hands run along his bare chest a bit first, eventually moving down his abs. the sight of your fresh set of acrylics (that he paid for; what a man) with a “C” in cursive on your middle finger sliding down his body made his dick throb.

your hands were perfect to connie. he adored everything, the size, your knuckles that were a few shades darker than the rest, your nails—even when you let them grow out a little too long, the rings that decorate them, it all just made him so weak.

at first (much to his displeasure), you just massage him through his underwear, letting him adjust to the feeling first. he lets out a few grunts and his arms instinctively buck against the restraints.

“…ma, you gon’ joystick my shit all day or you gon’ get to work?”

“don’t be a queen. i’m having my fun, so just sit back and enjoy princess.” you hold in a laugh at the whine that slips out of his mouth because of the nickname. you rotate your palm against the head of his cock, still not bothering to take off his ethikas just yet.

connie’s breath comes in a little sharper when you repeat this motion, which makes you smile. he was reacting just as you wanted him to. he takes a deep breath just as you slip your hand under his waistband and tug at the base of his cock.

“haah—oh fuck!” his hips snap into your grip as you properly jerk his cock now. you tug his underwear down, and smile when he springs to life.

meanwhile, connie is trying to find any excuse to not focus on the way your hands were pleasing him. you begin to find your rhythm and he’s making sounds you’d never heard from him before. you were doing this shit on purpose, hell, your nails were done and scraping his thighs, your fingers accessorized with golden rings on each finger and currently adding a whole new feeling to the motion on his cock.

your movements were slow and deliberate, yet so fucking good.

“oouuu shit—slow d-down!”

“‘m not even going fast, con.” you chuckled, completely enamored by your boyfriends moans. you run your teeth against the skin of his neck, your free hand holding his jaw in place. you wanted him to see what he’d been missing all this time.

connie’s eyes squeeze shut with every stroke on his sensitive dick, but you reminded him to focus. there was something so embarrassing about this compared to everything else the two of you did in bed, yet he couldn’t put his finger on it.

all that was on his mind was: “don’t cum, don’t cum, don’t cum.”

your thumb grazes over his slit and suddenly he’s forgetting all of his previous thoughts, spurts of cum shooting out of his tip all over your hands.

“awww, there you go baby, that’s it…” you peppered his face with kisses through his orgasm. you were a bit surprised, since you didn’t even notice how close he was to cumming. connie twitches in your grasp as overstimulation sets heavy in his bones.

“okay—okayyyy, baby! too much, shitshitshitshit-“

you giggled as you released him, watching his abdomen twitch with the waves of his orgasm rolling over him. a smug grin rested on your face as he came down, rolling his eyes when he caught you looking at him.

“don’t.”

“bae, look at my hand! you liked ittttt.”

you had a point—your fingers were completely covered in your boyfriends load, now dripping onto his lap. he’d never cum that much before, you were honestly impressed. you licked a small stripe onto your tongue before pressing your lips against his. connie gasped against your mouth with wide eyes before relaxing, his tongue swirling around yours.

you pulled away, watching the blush bloom on his face.

“ewww, nigga you gay. you just ate nut!” connie smacks his lips dramatically, exclaiming that it was your fault.

“you ain’t never jackin’ me off ever again.”

[popironrye]

[OPEN]

Pin Pals

{Selfship Reblog Game}

Wanna try one of these reblog games, but with a twist! Most people assign themes with pictures they find online so the options and possibilities are endless, but I wanted to do this with actual enamel and acrylic pins I own. Any of the over 870 of them.

Send me your s/i or oc and your f/o and I'll make a small pin set I think fit them. Make sure to tell me some things you associate with your ship, what kind of things they like, and even what they do for fun. Don't be afraid to get a little spicy with it. ;3

Example: My sona Erin and Dwayne from The Lost Boys.

Keep in mind this game is being done with pins I have on hand, so they may not be 100% the most fitting ever but I thought it would be fun to do either way. <3

[sapplejack]

Here they are! The Jellicle cats made into colorful acrylic charms😸

The colors are a little bit richer in-person, but I think they turned out well either way. They were really fun to make, and maybe I'll sell them when I finally start the fanmerch shop I've been thinking of for several years now. I have to say, my fav out of the 4 is Mistoffelees because his charm compliments a lot of the bags/purses I own haha. Which kitty is your fav? 💖

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

DISCOPUNK - Octobie Week #3 - Slice of Life

Well, that's one way to say 'thank you'. | Its tea time, innit. (Hobie x DiscoSpider Diane)

A.N: This was SO SO fun to draw and I'm really happy with how it came out :') - Also, I hid a lot of personal fanon-lore in this drawing so, here's some easter eggs below! As always, huge thanks to @the-kr8tor!

Easter Eggs:

Hobie lives on a boat with his lovely stray boatcats.

Hobie is proudly Jamaican (in my head).

His favorite colour is Green, though only Diane knows that.

Hobie didn't tell her, but somehow she managed to figure it out on her own.

Someone asked him, but before he could answer, she simply said 'Green'.

When he later asked her how she'd known, Diane told him it was obvious.

His carpet was green, and so was his bonnet, and his favorite shirt - to her it just made sense.

He calls her Duchess, since their first night out.

Diane sleeps with her guitar pick necklace on her left wrist.

She says she's afraid if she wears it to bed, it'll choke her to death in her sleep.

Hobie tells her that's not possible - considering she's superhuman. Green Goblin could hardly choke her out if he wanted to.

She doesn't believe him. She's 'not taking no chances'.

Diane only sleeps in high quality pastel pajama sets - with fuzzy socks to match. Hobie is the type of guy to turn any shirt into a 'sleep shirt' if he owns it long enough.

Diane likes her nails long, acrylic, and consistently manicured.

Hobie could never. After raiding Diane's extensive varnish collection, he paints every finger a different color. Sure, he could pick one. That's no fun, though!

When Hobie is enamored - or near Diane - his outline with turn her favorite color, pink!

Not only that, when Hobie's being a loverboy, pink origami hearts may start fluttering around his head - literally.

Diane knows Hobie's tea order by heart.

Another thing she'd learned by sheer observation.

Irish Breakfast tea, not British. One sugar, not too sweet, with the bag steeped a little too long.

He likes it 'her-coloured' - tea with just enough milk to match the tone of her skin. Anymore makes it taste 'like rubbish', in his opinion.

Hobie endorses tax evasion.

Happy Octobie Week #3!

Remember, if you have a spidersona, you can do whatever you want forever <3

BYE.

[blushingbubbles]

holes was a rlly good fleshlight to a Sir in need of stress relief last night 🥰🥰🥰

and it was so fun, knowing how intense it was going tk be right at the start.

id had nipple suckers on just before he'd messaged, and he had me take the nipple suckers off and replace them with clamps

and the sucker went right on my clit

clamps on freshly suctioned nipples huuuurt but the suction on my clit was a different kind of agony

and after a few mins he had me increase the suction too, so i asked him directly if he wanted me to hurt a little bit today

his reply was swift: "yes I do fucktoy" 🥰

he wanted me to do some spanks for him like that, but my roommate was in the next room and i couldn't :(

so i did what every other slut would do -- i offered him my pain in other ways. Clothespins and clover clamps etc. i felt like such a slut offering him all of these different ways he could hurt me for his own entertainment

the clohtespins went on. the suction on my clit increased.

and the clamps thatd just been on my nipples went on my tongue instead, turning me into a drooling mess.

i confessed how much of a painslut i was -- bc if i wasnt, why was i this wet?

another increase of the suction after another few minutes and i half wondered if what i was doing to my poor clit was permanent but was too gone to even care

a few mins later i was permitted to take the suction off, and my clit was so swollen it was like the size of my fingernail (&i hav acrylics)

and, at his instruction, one of the clamps i had on my toungue....went directly onto it 🥺 god it hurt so badly but felt so good

and then he had me fuck myself like that -- the clamp on my swollen clit and clothespins on my nipples & it took me less than 2 minutes to start begging to cum

toy has never cum from penetration like that before so shes slso never had an orgasm like that -- was shaking and spacey for several minutes afterward

thank u Sir for treating me like ur fleshlight & thank u for allowing me to cum 🥰

[fearfics]

no one but you.

skye riley x fem!reader

friends to lovers, mutual pining, slight?? angst??; skye has a long day of work and the only thing that can help is you :3

warnings: skye's hair pulling is the only thing i think but if there's anything else that might need a warning, lmk!

a/n: heyyy finally posting smth and like i've said before...i wouldn't call myself a writer i'm just a girl who imagines scenarios in her head and needs to write them out sometimes SO if it's quite cheesy and cliche, shhh i know this is just for fun!!! this is in bullet format just because it's an easier way for me to separate my thoughts so sorry if it's hard to read...

also, just like fun fact and im rambling but the main idea i had for this was watching the piano scene and thinking...okay but what if she plays a song for you for the first time...and boom. and the title is taken from no one noticed by the marias :] anyways, if you read this far, i’m kinda proud of this so i hope you enjoy and ty for reading <3

• skye has a rougher than usual day of work leaving her distressed and completely exhausted :(

• she collapses on her bed, her mind racing from the events today but the thoughts all lead back to you. for skye, being around or thinking of you is one of the few things that can help her relax.

• of course, she’d never admit that to anybody because she thinks she sounds crazy but it’s true!

• she runs her hands over her face and sighs before pulling out her phone. clicking your conversation, her thumb hovers over the text box.

• as her eyes move across the screen, she rereads your message from this morning – "good luck in the studio today girl 💗 oh here are the pics from the other night btw 😙" – she smiles softly at the emojis, thinking about the casual dinner you guys had with some friends.

• she swipes through the pictures, mostly silly and cute posing with your food and kissy faces…she can't help but zoom in on the two of you, remembering how pretty she thought you looked with your hair loose and makeup slightly smudged and -

• OKAY so maybe she’s incredibly down bad and that’s why just the thought of you is so calming for her!

• BUT she doesn’t want to bother youuuu. while you’re not living the same hectic lifestyle she is, you could still be busy, you know. you have your own life and things to do and take care of. she glances at the time noticing it’s later than she thought. you could already be sleeping…

• she can feel her hand rising, fingers reaching for That Spot in her hair as she begins to overthink even messaging you at all.

• *DING* she shifts her eyes back to her phone, locking onto the blue text bubble – “skyeee you haven’t said anything all dayyyy like not even the usual picture of your lunch i was visually starving girl”

• she lets out a deep breath, palm falling flat on her head. oh, thank god you texted something first..wait that means you were thinking about her…and so late at night too…which could mean nothing…

• she thinks for a second before replying – “sorry it was just super busy today..had to spend extra time in the booth im exhaustedd” sent.

• she places her acrylic nail between her teeth, biting out some nervous energy.. should i just ask? oh, fuck it i’ll just ask.

• “actually um could you possibly come over to my place? i could really use someone to talk to rn… i can send a car or whatever you know but if it’s too late you don’t have to that’s totally fine” sent.

• she continues chewing her nail as she watches the three dots pop up indicating you’re typing. – “oh skye :( don’t worry about it! ofc it’s not too late. you know i’ll come over any time. i’ll be there soon <3”

• <3. <3!!!!

• okay, she’s normal about you. she’s fine...just smiling too hard at her phone before replying with her own “<33”

• while she waits for the driver to bring you to her place, she takes a hot shower, letting the heat relax her body and ease her mind for as long as she needs. after getting into comfier clothes, she heads to the kitchen to grab a water. a sigh escapes her as she places her hands on the counter. the nerves course through her body once more as she thinks about you on your way over. she takes a breath before unscrewing the water and gulping down half the liquid. the bottle makes a loud *thunk* as she sets it down on the counter. she still can’t believe she’s gotten used to doing that.

• she reaches to replace the cap when she hears a knock on her door. you’re here. the exhaustion in her body replaces itself with…excitement? anxiety? she doesn’t know. she’s just happy that you’re here.

• screwing the cap back on as fast as she can, she takes quick footsteps over to the door, sliding a little as her sock covered feet don’t leave the ground. catching herself on the wall, she steadies herself, fixing the hair that fell in her face. god, she’s mess.

• she reaches for the knob while tip toeing up to take a peek through the peep hole. she couldn’t help but crack a smile at your hello kitty pjs before opening the door.

• you wear an empathetic smile as you hold up your bag, “i brought candy.”

• skyes let’s out a breath of relief, smiling back and relaxing her shoulders, “you. are amazing. get in here.” she grabs your arm, pulls you in and locks the door back up while you let out a small laugh.

• “i know, i know." you reply removing your coat and shoes. “so,” you start to speak as skye follows slowly behind, smile still lingering on her lips. you jog over to the couch plopping yourself into the seat, “you get first pick as always.” you hold the bag open, shaking the sides as you usher her over to take a seat next to you.

• skye tilts her head, jokingly rolling her eyes as she hovers her hamd over the bag. “i’ll take…oo these! thank you very much.” she pulls out a blue bag and sits herself to the right to you. you knew that blue bag all too well.

• “not the gummy wormsss! you know those are my favorite!” “we can share! we always share.” "right, right..."

• the conversation continues while you empty the rest of bag on the table. you take turns sharing candies, telling skye a story about the cutest cat you saw outside the shop and how you almost brought him with you.

• there was a moment of silence before you spoke up “did you want to talk about today?”

• skye glances down at her fingers staying quiet for a moment “uh…yeah, no, i mean...it’s just…” she takes air in through her nose and runs a hand through her hair, breathing out.

• you watched her facial expression change. there was nothing more you wanted than to just hold her in your arms and caress and kiss her troubles away. you never knew how far you could go without it feeling weird. what if she didn’t reciprocate?

• you always settled for holding her hand. it kept her from teasing with her hair and suppressed the urge to pull at the blonde locks and instead play with your fingers.

• “we were um…working on recording this new song. i’d played it for them a little while ago and they really liked it.” she glances at your face, your full attention on her, arm resting on the back of the couch with your chin sitting in the palm of your hand. god, you were so pretty…

• you smile softly, “of course they did. you make great music, duh.” she returns the smile at your compliment. her eyes begin to dart around the room, the stress making it’s way back into her head. you rub your thumb over the back of her hand that was still sitting in yours.

• “while we- while we were recording, it was fine but um…there’s this one part in the song i wanted to be sung a certain way but..they didn’t agree. told me to sing it the way they wanted. 'cause it ‘sounded better’. ‘tracks would’ve been faster to mix’. or some shit. i tried to argue it but…it just started something bigger and my mom was there. god, my mother…she’s no help. just wants me to follow along like usual…”

• you felt a tug at your heart as skye spoke. “oh, skye…i know how passionate you are about your music. it's awful when there’s assholes like that who just wanna make something quick and easy. it’s hard for people like you who actually care about the quality of their work. i don’t see where you did anything wrong."

• skye wipes away a couple of tears. “hey,” you reach for her other hand, interlocking both your fingers, “i know for a fact that the way you wanted your song, mind you, your song...that you wrote …i know it sounded beautiful, okay? and perfect while we’re at it.”

• skye chuckles, speaking softly “please, how could you say that if you haven’t even heard it?”

• “show me.” your volume matches hers but your words catch her attention, eyes shifting to your face. silence. “if you’re up for it, you know.”

• skyes heart races as she feels a mixture of anxiety and vulnerability. it’s not like she hasn’t sung in front of you before but right now it feels much more intimate.

• she hesitates for a moment “okay…yeah.” you smile in excitement. you were basically her number 1 fan. and she would do anything for you. this is a win-win situation.

• skye stands up to go to the piano, a rush of butterflies in her stomach as you follow behind. she adjusts the bench a little before sitting down and you stand to the side of the large instrument, elbow making contact with the top as your chin rests in your palm again.

• skye fiddles with her journal trying to find the correct page. she nervously flips onto the page titled ‘just my name’ and looks over at you before placing her fingers on the keys.

• ‘i’ve got thick skin but i’m hollow…made up of broken parts...’ from the the first line you’re mesmerized (as usual) by her voice. you listen on, paying attention to the lyrics and how relaxed skye begins to look after focusing on the melody, ‘is this how my story’s told? i get higher 'til my worlds on fire and i'm ice cold…’ seeing the raw emotion in her facial expressions as she closes her eyes, almost like she’s reliving her memories. you can tell how much this song and the lyrics really mean to skye and her experience. oh, your sweet skye…

• the final notes echo through the room. skye removes her hands from the piano, waiting for you to say something, ANYTHING…

• but your response doesn’t come. you instead take a few steps over and wrap your arms around her shoulders. her head finds its place in your neck and her arms take place under yours as you sit down beside her. you sit together like this for a moment before speaking. “that was beautiful, skye. just like i said it would be.” you whisper, your thumb caressing the back of her head, her breath felt on your neck.

• “mmm you’re just being nice 'cause you’re my friend.” she deflects. “skye, c'mon.” you pull away leaving your hands on her shoulders and look her in her eyes, “i wouldn’t lie to you. especially, especially, about your music. i know how much it means to you.”

• skye can’t help the blush that creeps up on her cheeks becoming hyperaware of the close proximity between you two. theres a flutter in your stomach at the slight nudge of her hand against your thigh.

• she clears her throat before speaking “thank you, y/n. for everything, really. i'm so so so grateful to have you in my life. i don’t know what i’d do without you.”

• okay, you actually need to kiss skye so bad. her eyes glossy from the tears, the beauty mark by her lips that were soft and pouted. if the look she was giving you wasn’t enough alone, everything she just confessed solidified the feelings you couldn’t deny any longer.

• skye’s breath gets caught in her throat as she feels your hand softly take place on her cheek. the heat of the moment seems to last forever as you both stare into each other's eyes, your faces just inches apart. the unspoken feelings have been building up for so long neither of you can fathom the situation that’s unfolding. your heart is beating so loudly that you can hear it in your ears as you both sit there, hoping hers was doing just the same.

• your eyes flicker across her soft features taking one last look at her lips before returning to her eyes. “would it be like kinda crazy if we just, you know…kissed right now? i mean like if you wanted to. because i definitely want to and it would be nice but if-“

• skye lets out a puff of laughter and you’re left with a slightly amused yet confused look on your face. “god, y/n, i thought i was bad at this.” your hand falls back to her shoulder, “um what exactly is that supposed to mean?” “nothing, nothing...”

• you smirk at the casual banter, “okay, okay…so…” “oh, come here.” skyes confidence boosts as she takes your face in her hands and your lips finally touch. your eyes flutter closed and skye can feel the smirk still resting on your lips as you respond to the kiss.

• it starts out soft and slow, the gentle press of your lips against each other. but as the initial kiss sparks something between the two of you, it quickly deepens. your mouths moving hungrily against each other, the taste of the fruity candy lingering on your tongues, skyes hands running through your hair as your hands have found themselves just above her chest, toying with her necklace.

• as you two lose yourself in the moment, falling into each other, you lean a little too far, elbow landing on the piano keys. the loud, earsplitting chord jolts you back to reality, breaking the kiss. your breathing is heavy and faces are flushed with surprise and the realization of what just happened. you both can’t help but burst into giggles, the tension from before fades into a light hearted moment.

• as the giggles subside, you look at skye, “maybe.. we should take this somewhere else or something…” skye sucks her teeth, a few butterflies lingering at the bottom of her stomach, “oh is that so?”

• you roll your eyes before standing up. taking skyes hands, you pull her up with you. “well...yes. don’t ask stupid questions.” skye chuckles as she’s dragged along, her heart racing with anticipation and excitement to finally be able to kiss you the way she’s always wanted.