#also should note: I have DID so literally as a person WITH the disorder

[makethemhoesmad]

love you till my lungs give out

paige bueckers x reader

word count- 2k(lord)

notes: this fic was such a great write for me, as it focuses around eating disorders, which is something i’ve personally struggled with. i know this is a sensitive topic, so please, if this makes you uncomfortable, scroll away, or read at your own risk.

thanks to: literally the biggest thanks ever to @melpthatsme for dming me your idea and helping me work through it, i really could not have done this without you, so everyone thank them

also thanks to @imaginespazzi and @bueckersstrap for reacting to my random messages about this

—

the first time it happened, i barely realized i did it.

“paigey, my head hurts so bad right now. like, im gonna die right here,” i groan, hiding my face in the fabric of her hoodie, trying to lock out any stray amounts of light coming from the covered windows. she runs her hand through my hair, and starts to ever-so-gently massage my temples. i sigh in quiet relief, and then she tries to pull me up to lay on top of her.

“uh uh, paige, no,” i say. i try to shake my head at her, but a bolt of pain flies through me, forcing my head back down.

“jus’ tryna help you get comfy, ma,” she whispers, bundling me up in a blanket and pulling me back into her side. she moves her warm hands up and under my t-shirt, but i squirm about, complaining that they’re too cold, even though i’ve never felt anything more soft and warm, so she moves them back over my shirt. but i don’t notice it, not really. and neither does she.

the second time, i know what i did.

“so, what should we order to eat?” paige asks, scrolling on her phone for different options. 

“mm, what if i cooked here, for something different! i can make you a grilled cheese,” i joke, nudging her arm with my shoulder. “that’s all i know how to cook anyway.”

she giggles, standing up with me and following me to the kitchen. she hoists herself onto the counter, and watches me intently as i pull out the things for a sandwich. i grin at her, moving to step in between her legs and take her face in my hands. 

“you’re so cute,” i say, pressing a kiss to her nose. she hops off of the counter and follows me to the stove. paige is just too sweet to me sometimes. i’m cooking dinner for her, the least i can do, really, and she’s cozied up behind me, arms around my waist her hands are barely touching, she can barely fit them around me and her chin is resting softly on my shoulder. she’s pressing light pecks to whatever area she can reach, and i feel at peace, in the kitchen, for a few moments. then it stops.

“why aren’t you making one for yourself baby?” she asks, spinning me around to lean me against the countertop, forgetting her sandwich beside her.

“i’m feeling, um, nauseous,” i stutter, stumbling over the excuse. she lets me go, though she looks skeptical.

“cmon, just have a bite of mine then. baby, you really need to eat more, that’s probably why you haven’t been feeling very well lately.”

i allow her to feed me a small bite, then quickly use my fingers to silently add that to whatever else i ate today. i read somewhere that to lose weight, you need to burn more calories that you eat. tomorrow, i need to burn around 800. Well, 804 now. 

the third time, i think paige noticed something was up.

“ma, this is literally the fourth time you’ve said that you’re cold. just take my fucking hoodie, i’m actually begging you,” she pleads, taking it off and offering it up to me. i shake my head, again, and press myself further into her chest, rubbing my arms to try and make the goosebumps disappear. she pulls me into her, then moves her mouth to my ear.

“is everything okay baby? do you wanna go home?” she whispers, nuzzling my neck with her nose. i shrug, not wanting to make her leave if she wasn’t done chatting with people yet. she makes the decision for me, standing up and tugging me with her. her hand finds its way to the small of my back, and she guides me towards the door. i sway slightly as we stand, blood rushing to my head. i take it as my lack of protein, or anything really, catching up to me. she stops walking, lurching to grab me by both shoulders and bend to eye level with me.

“darling, i want you to be honest with me. what have you eaten today?” i shake my head, feeling my cheeks going red at the thought of her confronting me. i look down, trying to avoid eye contact with her as my eyes fill with tears. she wraps me up into a hug, planting a kiss to the top of my head. she pulls me to the car and helps me in, then climbs into her own door, but makes no move to turn the car on. instead she pulls out her phone and asks me “so, where do you wanna stop and pick up food on our way home?” 

“paige, i’m really not that hungry, just tired and need to be with you in bed for the night. can we please just go home?” 

she nods, but looks at me skeptically out of the corner of her eye. she must know that all i’ve eaten today is half an energy drink and a piece of gum. i’ll eat something with her tomorrow, i guess. we can go out to lunch together and then when she goes to the gym ill go on a run. then she’ll see that im okay.

the fourth time, or probably the fifth or sixth, really, i don’t notice it, so i don’t think she does either.

“cmere pretty,” paige mumbles, reaching her arms out to me from where she’s laying on the bed. i slowly move to lay next to her, but roll away when she tries to take my sweater off.

“hey, baby, what?” she whines, apparently frustrated by the lack of contact.

“i wanna leave it on, paigey,” i tell her, moving my hand into the waistband of her shorts.

“but i wanna see you, please baby,” i don’t like saying no to her, but this is one thing i very rarely back down on.

“uh uh, sorry. lemme taste you, though,” i respond, moving to tug her shorts down.

“nah, come and sit on my face, cutie.” she smirks at her own words, but i’m not laughing. i scramble off the bed, standing up to black spots in my vision. i stand still, squeezing my eyes shut to get rid of the feeling. i stay there for im not sure how long, when i feel strong arms loop around my shoulders and help me onto the bed. paige helps me lay down, placing my head in her lap, then starts to comb through my hair with her fingers. she doesn’t say anything, and i’m grateful for that. obviously, she just thinks im tired. she knows im okay.

this time, im sure she noticed. it would be hard not to.

i’ve just come home from a run to the gym, dripping in sweat. it’s part of my new routine. i jog a mile and a half to the gym, i walk on a stairmaster or inclined treadmill there, then run home. normally i leave when paige leaves for practice, and come home just as she’s getting home, if not a little before so i can shower before she gets here. today, i must’ve done a little too much, because by the time i walk in the door, my head is spinning. i walk into the kitchen, sitting down at the island and resting my head in my hands, trying to clear my vision. i don’t hear when the door opens.

“baby, are you okay?” i hear. i sit up quickly, startled, then put my head back down immediately, because my vision goes nearly dark again.

“mhm, just tired you know? just got back from a run.” 

“you’ve got to take a rest day sometimes, darling,” she coos, taking my face into her hands and pressing a kiss to my nose. i nod, knowing i won’t do it.

sometimes i don’t realize it, but she knows exactly what to do.

i’ve just finished cooking dinner, just some simple spaghetti and a salad. i place her bowl of noodles in front of her, then settle down with my salad. when i stand up to get a glass of water, then come back, i can’t help but notice she’s switched our bowls.

“paigey, could i, possibly, maybe, have my bowl back?” i ask, trying to seem lighthearted.

“oh, yeah, sure,” she answers, sliding it back towards me. but when i try to slide hers back, she stops me. 

“nah, you eat that too. seems like you forgot to serve yourself noodles, so ill go make myself a new bowl.” she stands up, but i scramble in front of the stove quicker, blocking her way. 

“why would you do that, when i made you a whole bowl? eat it,” i tell her, pointing back to the countertop. she lunges at me, lifting me easily and placing me on the countertop. why would she pick me up? she definitely thought i was too heavy. i bet she leaves after this. she drags her my bowl over, twirls a few noodles onto the fork, and begins to prod my mouth with it. 

“cmon honey, just a bite. it’s not like it’s poison, you literally just cooked it,” she presses. i start to shake my head, so she moves the fork and instead swoops in for a kiss. i return her advances eagerly. hoping it distracts her. she moves her head down, pressing open mouthed kisses to my neck, and my mouth falls open. i don’t realize she’s noticed that until she’s setting the forkful of food between my lips and lightly closing them.

“it’s one bite, ma. let’s get it eaten, then you can be done.” i chew, not really having the choice to run and spit it out. once i swallow, she beams at me.

“such a good girl, baby. i’m so proud of you.”

at some point, she wins

“come here now, baby,” paige demands, grasping me by the waist and yanking me in front of her. i’d been about to climb into the shower when she spotted me through the bathroom mirror, stripped down to nothing. she’d grabbed me, pulled me into my room, and positioned us in front of the full-length mirror to the side.

“you see how perfect you are? how pretty?” she mumbles into my ear. i let my eyes flutter shut as she snakes her hand down my body, stopping to circle her finger over my clit. a groan slips out from my lips, and she stops.

“alright, i want you to keep on looking right in the mirror, ma. want you to see how perfectly you take my fingers.” i writhe against her, trying to keep my eyes open and hold myself up at the same time. she plunges three fingers into me. i cry out, locking eyes with her in the mirror, she smirks, the same way she always does when drawing a climax from me. i go boneless. if she hadn’t been holding me so tightly, i would be on the floor.

“now can you see how amazing you are? you don’t gotta change anything about you, i’ll love you no matter what. you should stop listening to what others say, because people that love you, like me, want you, no matter what you look like. i, personally, think you’re perfect. i’ll love you till the day my lungs give out, and even then, i’ll use my last breath to say it again.”

after that, it happens less often. some days, i still forget to eat, and some days even looking at a scale makes me want to throw up. but paige is always there. she’s always there to hold me, or help me eat just a little bit, or to help me lay down and relax after i’ve panicked so hard ive puked into the toilet. one day, looking at her from across the couch, i realize that when she told me she’d love me no matter what, she was telling the truth.

[a-secret-bolton-vampire]

I finished arc 13 of Ward today. So far, arcs 9, 12, and 13 have been my absolute favourites. In finishing 13 it really hit me just how incredible this story is.

I was scared to read Ward at first, because I loved Worm so much and I wasn't sure how it could top Worm. I was also scared because it hit a lot of personal trauma triggers and became very much worried that it wouldn't do justice with it. In my mind, the worst things that Ward could do was try to get Victoria to forgive her abusers, that her bio family is the most important and she should reconcile with her mother.

My best friend (my co-author for Mending Constellations, etherealDesign) sang the praises of Ward and I eventually decided to try it out. I expected that it would be almost or just about as good as Worm. I'm more than halfway done, and I know how the rest of the story goes, but I honest to god think Ward is even better.

Taylor as a protagonist rules, she's one of the best characters I've ever read and she is insanely compelling and her arc is so beautifully tragic that I can't help but watch that tragedy unfold in awe. There are some parts of her I relate to, such as the bullying, the feeling of being a sort of social outcast, an introvert who loves reading and learning. I also really love the way her morality is written and it's so unbelievably rare for a female character to be written that way.

But Victoria is far far far more relatable. So many takes on her are so shallow and missing the nuances within her. She's so different from Taylor and yet so similar they work perfectly as foils. Taylor didn't have a social support network but had a loving family. Victoria had a social support network but not a loving family. The writing for her PTSD is so insanely on point as someone with PTSD that it hurts to read at times. I'm so happy the narrative is not punishing Victoria for not wanting to forgive her family, especially her mother and Amy, for what they did to her. In so many stories, so many that it actually boggles my mind, family is the most important thing and something that can transcend any and all hurts. Makes that moment in arc 1 where Carol wants Amy and Vic to reconcile mean so much in that context. Sometimes, a hurt cannot be reconciled with, no matter how close you once were to the person who hurt you.

I feel people who haven't experienced familial abuse might not get how much Ward gets right about it. For sure, she has a complicated relationship with her parents still, it isn't pure hatred like it is for Amy, but there is no doubting that the relationship is strained, to put it mildly, with her parents. And also, very very very much happy that there is no attempt at rehabilitating Amy's image to downplay what she did to Victoria. This is not something you downplay and even if Amy is still (somehow) a sympathetic or even relatable antagonist, this is something that just cannot ever be forgotten or forgiven.

Also, Victoria reads as unbelievably transgender. She spends 2 years as the Wretch in the hospital, and in Ward her forcefield makes her visibly uncomfortable with herself and her body. And then her costume is literally a dysphoria hoodie... Her and Sveta especially are such great examples of transgender allegories (and in the case of Sveta she literally, canonically IS trans). And on top of the PTSD, the abuse, the gender dysphoria, all these things that make me relate to Victoria so heavily... then there is the very blatantly textual dissociative plurality. There is no way that Wildbow didn't intend for Victoria, the Warrior Monk, and the Scholar to be all different people in a plural system. Not even a doubt in my mind.

Oh, and this is JUST talking about Victoria! I could go on and on about how well Ward writes mental illness, including some really, really vilified mental disorders. Ashley is (at least likely from what I've gathered from the notes Dragon sent to Vic's laptop) bipolar and definitely a clinical narcissist, but it isn't vilified, and in fact she is heavily, heavily humanized. Even Cradle, someone I'd call as close to pure evil in Parahumans as you can get, has some really really phenomenal writing that shows that he could have lived a normal life as a functional person despite a lack of empathy or remorse.

In general, mental illness in media is important to me as someone who has a personality disorder, and being able to show people who are narcissists or have antisocial tendencies as ultimately just being people and not inherently dangerous is very, very big for me.

There's so much more I could say, but Ward is nothing like I was initially led to believe. It's miles better in every way than I could've hoped for, and it has quickly come the vector for some of the best and most relatable writing of trauma and mental illness I've ever seen in media.

Ward is a story first and foremost about trauma recovery. The fact it is in the backdrop of a literal post-apocalyptic setting is not accidental. It's the best way to frame a sequel to Worm in my mind.

[lurkingshan]

Japanese QL Corner

ICYMI: There are so many Japanese qls airing weekly, so I’m going to start posting this little round up at the end of each week. Most of these shows are on Gaga and I highly recommend watching!

Tsukuritai Onna to Tabetai Onna 2

Another great batch of episodes this week, as Kasuga and Nomoto settled into dating life, all the gals got together for various food related events, and Nagumo began seeking treatment for her eating disorder. This show is just always so compassionate with its characters, and manages to find interesting conflicts without going for high drama. I am very much enjoying seeing Kasuga and Nomoto figure out how their relationship should look now that they're dating and also how to communicate and respect each other as they make decisions. Kasuga's tendency to let Nomoto steamroll her feels harmless when it's about picking fruit or vegetables, but it won't be when it comes to making decisions about where they live and how to set up their home, so it's great they're addressing it early. It's also awesome to see them expand their circle of friends and deepen their bonds with Yako and Nagumo--I was high key jealous of the curry and s'mores parties. And Nagumo just has my whole heart. When she expressed profound relief at learning there is a name for her illness and ways to treat it, my mind immediately jumped to Rachel Bloom. Looking forward to her healing. I can't believe there is only one more batch of episodes coming, love and gratitude to @furritsubs!

Chaser Game W

I’ll keep this brief. This show was a mess, and not even in a fun way because unfortunately it was also extremely misogynistic. @twig-tea covered the major issues well in her post. Wild that this show aired simultaneously with TsukuTabe, what a dichotomy.

My Strawberry Film

This one is really not grabbing me. It feels kind of slow and muted and uncertain about what it's doing. I am not finding the mystery or the love rhombus compelling, and this week's focus on Hikaru's infatuation with Minami had me yawning and picking up my phone a lot. But it's early, I am hopeful it will pick up some steam.

Sukiyanen Kedo Do Yaro ka

This was a cute episode about Sakae and Soga getting past their initial awkwardness, learning how to communicate with each other, and moving into a more intimate phase of their relationship, and I think I would have loved it if we'd gotten it two weeks ago. This should have been the episode that followed their initial confessions, but instead the show did a two week diversion into love triangle nonsense, and unfortunately, I think it really threw off the pacing and the connection to these characters for me. It just feels too late in the show for this relationship to still feel so new. We haven't had time to settle in with them as a couple, or for them to develop a strong foundation to make us root for them to overcome the coming obstacles in the final arc. Still, this episode had some delightful scenes--Soga finally paying a visit to the sauna was my personal fav, and I also enjoyed the metaphor of Sakae literally catching Soga's love (and knowing @bengiyo would lose it over another important SPORTS moment in bl). This is a show I really want to love, but something just isn't connecting.

Perfect Propose

I love this final episode and I love this show. Hiro quit his job, Kai resolved things with the shop owner and his son, and they finally got on the same page about their relationship and made out about it. 10/10 no notes for this finale. It was lovely to see Hiro finish his project and make a decision to quit the daily grind--I loved, too, that he is still in touch with his former colleagues--and we saw the change in him so quickly. He looked happier, lighter, brighter. His skin was cleared and his crops were watered! And Kai got to have his moment of catharsis too, sharing his fear that he is a burden on others and having Hiro affirm for him that he wants him in his life and he's a help, not a burden. And I loved that we got all that plus a great kiss, a bed scene (with a very cute leg cramp diversion) and a small peek at their new domestic life together. This show makes me happy and it will definitely be one I return to for rewatches.

Ossan's Love Returns

I'm of two minds on this finale. On the one hand, I really loved it as a single episode of the show, was happy with where all the resolutions landed, and was left with a very warm feeling toward the show overall. The cherry blossom scene especially really got me right in the feels; I've loved the progression of Maki and Haruta's relationship this season and I love the way they talk to each other. They have earned themselves a spot on my list of favorite drama couples who I actually believe are going to stay together. I also loved everything about the big chaotic group scene and all these characters coming together to pour love on Haruta; it felt earned after a season of him knocking himself out for all his loved ones. The end joke with Chief moving in next door, and getting a final Maki/Kurosawa battle, was *chef's kiss*. And Takegawa's perfect life partner being a cat? 10/10 no notes. I will be clutching my aroace Takegawa read tightly to my bosom.

On the other hand, the episode reinforced for me that the way we got to a lot of these resolutions didn't feel quite right. In particular, I don't think the way Kurosawa's health scare played out across the back half of the season worked, and I'm not too pleased about spending three episodes in a downbeat, tragic mode for the sake of a simple pun joke. I think the whole plot would have landed a lot better for me if the audience was let in on Kurosawa's mistake at the start and the tone of his overwrought goodbyes was farcical all the way through. Not only would that have maintained the comedic tone of the show, but we could have used that story time to better seed some of the themes of this episode with Haruta's crisis of confidence and yearning for family. I'm pretty much agnostic on Kiku and Izumi; they never sold me on that pairing but I wasn't mad about their ending.

Overall, I am very glad I jumped into this show and enjoyed the watch experience a lot, despite my quibbles with some of the overarching writing choices. The cast is amazing and all the characters make me smile. If they make another season, I'll be watching!

Bonus: Josi teki Saikatsu

I finally watched this drama this week--I held out for awhile hoping to find it in better quality, but no dice, it's 480p in the grey--and despite the potato lens I loved it so much. This is the story of Miki, a transfemme lesbian, just trying to live her life in the way she wants, and all the barriers she comes up against in that pursuit. Our story begins when her childhood friend, Goto, comes looking for his old pal in a moment of desperation and is stunned to see how she's changed. The show is only four short episodes, but they manage to paint a full picture of Miki's life at home, at work, with friends and lovers, and with her estranged family, and show us how she became who she is. Miki is whip smart and perceptive and generous, but also wary of trusting anyone after she's been let down by so many loved ones. I love her so much, and you will too. This story was written by a trans woman and it shows! Brave the 480p and check it out.

[urfavoritesecretadmirer]

Stuff that would get us fake claimed bc this trend is so amazing in my eyes

(And no I'm not asking to get fake claimed bc apparently I'm not allowed to make jokes)

High alter count

We don’t have an exact number, but our overall estimation is pretty high (not in the thousands but yk 100-150).

Not being able to control switches

We can’t control when we switch but it’s usually in stressful/negative situations. We also can’t control who takes front.

Alter variety

Istg, people are weird when it comes to alter variety. It’s always “oh your alters are all similar? Fake!!” Or “oh your alters are all very different? Fake!!” Our system has a lot of variety.

Has a TikTok account

“Omg, a system with social media?! Fake!!” Believe it or not, we only started our TikTok in late June of last year. We’ve known we are a system since way before that. So yes, systems can have TikTok accounts. Because I guarantee there are thousands of systems on TikTok who are not open to being a system that you will never know about.

Posts about system stuff

Damn, I didn’t know it was illegal for systems to be open about being a system. I didn’t know my literal existence, labels I choose to use, etc were taking away from the “real systems”. My apologies, Mr/ms high and mighty ceo of Reddit moderation as your 9-5.

Has simply plural

“Omg an app for systems?! And you’re using it?! As a system?! Fake!!” I’m not allowed to use one of the few useful apps that can log switches, keep track of members, send messages, help you meet other systems, make polls, make your layout look pretty if you want, etc without getting fakeclaimed. It’s almost like it’s an app for systems, and systems use it. Shocker.

Uses pluralkit

“A system using a meaningful way of communication and another good way to keep track of members?! Fake!!” Apparently redditors think that pluralkit worsens amnesia barriers and derealization. Is this true?? If so tell me, but it doesn’t happen for us. Because obviously, I’m not fronting all the time. How am I supposed to feel derealization if I’m not there?? Also it’s not like our main account profile is by default the host. Our user has <3 and our systag in the name for christs sake.

Goes to school

I know, shocker, I have a life. I’m not physically incapable of having an education as a system. And believe it or not, I have decent grades too. Systems are traumatized, not stupid (directed at that one boy at my old school).

Doesn’t want final fusion

Excuse you, but this system has been here for me and has been around since I was five (I think). I’ve only now fully accepted the fact I’m a system. I think it’d be a bit rude to just say “alr you can go now” like I don’t wanna be alone tf.

Introjects

We ain’t Introject heavy, but ig even having two introjects makes you fake. This may be a shocker, but it’s more common to have other disorders alongside DID/OSDD than to not. This, and again, this may be a shocker, but it includes ADHD and autism.

In sys relationships

Me, the host, has personally never been in an in-sys relationship. But I think in our system there’s like, two? And then there’s a lot of ‘it’s complicated’ or ‘situationship’.

Decent communication

Obviously, it could be better, but we overall have decent and healthy ways of communicating with each other. Usually it’s talking out loud or leaving little notes.

Alter intros

Because apparently it’s a crime against being neurodivergent to share about your alters. We obviously can’t share everything for obvious reasons but we want yall to get to know us.

DNI alters

This may be a hard pill to swallow, but DNI doesn’t always mean the alter is some dangerous monster. It can mean that alter is too little to be online, it could mean that alter is a social anxiety symptom holder, it could mean that alter just doesn’t like talking to people outside the system/at all. These are just a few examples. Or maybe, that alter just doesn’t wanna be fuckin interacted with. But these alters should still be acknowledged. Why? Because healing is a thing. Locking them away isn’t healthy. Maybe they want people to know not to interact with them. But noooo, all DNI alters are awful people apparently.

Other mental health disorders

We have anxiety and depression (diagnosed and genetic), medically recognized ADHD, and tics. And yes, all of our alters have tics because it's caused by your brain and we share the same brain.

[anemonia13]

Thoughts about Diavolo and Doppio

Introducion

All that ton of text exists because I didn't believe it was DID since my first time watching and reading Golden Wind. Literally from the first time seeing their actions and interactions, I thought it looked more like some sort of supernatural thing than that condition, to which I only found more confirmation as I watched. I still want to call the following examples thin, since there is a very high probability that Araki was simply going way too wild with all this mystical mysterious secrecy of the antagonist, and everything that I will give may turn out to be just the fattest wicked technique for exaggerating this, but I want to express my thoughts nonetheless. Plus, I think it might be a narrative trick after all, so I may turn out to be right in the end of the day.

Point

So, let's get it straight: the theory is that there's no DID in that story, Diavolo is not an alter-ego, but something else and probably not a human at all. And now to the specifics.

Let's start from afar: his (to make it easier to read, I'm talking about Diavolo in a generally accepted way) mother, in her words, became pregnant from an unknown man who died 2 years before his birth, and, moreover, she has been sitting in isolation from the outside world for 2 years, in a specifically women's prison without any men at all. AND, MOREOVER, the anime adaptation shows that the fetus develops in just a few hours (I’ll say a few more words about the validity of David's version later). Well, it’s impossible, well, it’s a huge nonsense, even if we consider from a seemingly scientific point of view of this universe, with which Araki tried to explain, for example, the change in physical parameters when switching egos. Here's mystical supernatural shit number 1.

Further. This particular point is relevant only for anime adaptation. Unfortunately, I haven’t found any data on how much Araki took part in its creation, I confess, but I have the right to assume that if it was approved by him and released the way we see it, it is quite a canon by which we can argue. It came out after the manga and this is quite possibly a more correct representation of events from the point of view of canon details. In the same scene, after birth, the baby's eye color momentarily changes from hazel to red, then back. This move, I want to note, is often used to show a character’s possession, usually with supernatural forces or the like. Yes, it is also used to refer to a "second personality" or some hidden nature of a character, but newborns do not have DID, it is a disorder that develops after severe repeating trauma. Mystical supernatural shit number 2.

We smoothly move on to the extreme turbidity and ambiguity of DID, and I’m not even going to talk about body changes when switching. So, DID develops, as, by the way, even in the original source is noted, as a result of a deep shock or trauma. A person dissociates from the traumatic experience, which, if severe and repetative to the point when their mind can't really survive it, results in violation of an identity integrity. It does not develop immediately and is noticeable to others, while commonly not being noticable to a person expiriensing it. And what do we see on this topic there? Nothing, only Doppio shows symptoms of dissociation, and only in situations where something threatens to expose the boss’s identity (or in other situations related to him, that’s the only way), which is strange, because I can’t even imagine such a trauma can be (i.e., it becomes a chicken-and-egg paradox: the trauma, in theory, should be related to the boss, to alter, but without the trauma there should be no boss, no alter). Other trauma is either not shown, which is a serious omission from the script, because this is no longer a mystery, but a hole, or it simply does not exist, because in the village, as far as can be seen, the attitude towards him was near normal, and his foster father is caring and loving, and has a trusting relationship with him (judging by the phrase casually thrown by the drivers from a flashback with his youth, where they warn him not to complain about an accident on the road to the priest, which seems to refer to the fact that this has already happened at least once before, and as if he would hardly have gone to him to complain if he did not trust him). Mystical supernatural shit number 3.

The same muddy and unclear story with his mother under the floor. Why is she there? For what is she there? How did she survive there? But who would know. In my opinion, it looks like some kind of some ritual-related bullshit, or at least a sacrifice to something, but I don’t undertake to make any special statements or comments here, I’m just noting and thinking. Mystical supernatural shit number 4.

Let's get to non-flashback events. POSSIBLY Diavolo is able to influence Doppio's consciousness (which does not happen in the opposite direction). This is indicated by the latter’s holy faith in the fact that he is talking to his boss on real work phones, well, that’s how he sees them, as well as the clouding and memory lapses that suddenly occur after the end of the call, which is strange, but still convenient for Diavolo, what a goddamn lucky coincidence, huh? I don't think alters are able to perform such tricks. Mystical supernatural shit number 5.

In the SCR arc, characters mutually switch bodies with closest persons. What's going on with Diavolo in that situation? He, like a self-respecting individual soul newly revealed to the audience (!), not like everyone else, not like a sucker, "attached" to someone else’s soul (it was kind of similar with Doppio before), and for time secretly sit happily in one body for two. And now, this is no longer a person suffering from DID (that is, a soul with, in our case, an ego split in two (that's PSYCHE thing)), but a whole separate being, moreover, also capable of ruling his soul as he pleases. Mystical supernatural shit number 6.

We will need some of the things from the previous point now. At the end of the arc of Ciocolatta and Secco, Diavolo not only immediately knows from somewhere that Bruno can only see souls, but he also, in order to make Doppio look like Trish for him, lends him a fucking piece of his (let me remind you, separate, like we have already found out) soul. A piece of his soul, God damn it! He (again) not only knows some unreal information about souls, he, as already said, is able to manipulate at least his own. Mystical supernatural shit number 7.

His eyes (iris and pupil), already extremely unique in themselves, are the eyes of his entity, but not his body. When he takes control of someone's body it is visible, when Bruno is in his body it is visible. Worth a mention. Mystical supernatural asshole number 8.

The last, probably the most interesting mystical, but not so supernatural screw-up lies in a small detail: when the souls of the characters in the final battle return back to their bodies, we are shown all of them, except for Diavolo's (well, more precisely they showed King Crimson as it, but this doesn't count (otherwise Diavolo is KC, lol)). Coincidence? I don't think so. More likely it was done on purpose, and this is not even attributed to the supposedly yet another creation of an aura of mysticism around his personality - at this point we seem to already know very well what he looks like... Or we don't, actually?

Conclusion

That's all, actually. The bottom line is the same: Diavolo is something supernatural, I don’t presume to say what he is exactly. This is probably all the fairly significant evidence (meaning those that are less than half conjecture) that I had. There were a lot of strange things in JoJo, inspired by some things from the real world, and then blown up to the point of "incredibility," but here they tried to tie it into some kind of pseudoscientific nonsense that I didn’t believe in. In any case, this is not the first "spirit" in this universe (it’s worth remembering Anubis), so this theory, I think, is more than valid.

So thank you for reading, it's open for discussion, since we'll never know the truth for sure (DID was the assumption of the characters of Vento Aureo, and they called it "assumption" themselves (I want to believe with all my soul Araki fooled everyone, being an unreliable narrator so Diavolo will be even more of an enigma)).

[xf-cases-solved]

S1E12: Fire

Case: An incel played by Mark Sheppard is lighting people (and things, but we're more concerned about the people) on fire, and they can't figure out how he's doing it. This case is brought to Mulder's attention by his toxic British ex, Phoebe (who, as far as Mulder's exes go, is way more charismatic than Fowley so -shrug emoji-), and the two of them go off to Massachusetts to stop some rich British people from being barbecued. Half the people in this episode are weirdly horny, especially the fire expert guy at the Bureau who sounds like he's in the process of getting off when he describes pictures of fire. Mark Sheppard kicks a dog. Mulder literally says the words, "That's one of the luxuries to hunting down aliens and genetic mutants—you rarely get to press charges," so at least they're self-aware. Also, he's terrified of fire and apparently "cursed" with a photographic memory—I'm pretty sure neither of these things ever come up again. Meanwhile, the only person doing any actual FBI work is Scully. Thank god for her.

Does someone die in the cold open: Ah, yeah. Death by psychic immolation. Not the nicest way to go.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: No, but he does get practical joked into thinking he's about to die in a car bombing. Take note, Youtube pranksters.

Does the evidence survive the investigation: The most damning evidence is Incel Mark Sheppard himself, and while he's definitely a little crispy, he makes it to the end.

Whodunit: Incel Mark Sheppard

Convictions: Incel Mark Sheppard will face prosecution once he's done applying aloe to his burns. They are kind of not sure how to do that given that he can light literally anything flammable on fire with his mind. If it was 2024 they'd just do a Zoom call, but alas.

Did they solve it: Yes!

[how do i determine if an episode is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Forced exposure therapy.

Do you need to suffer from a convenient phobia that is relevant to your current situation in order to provide suspense to your plotline, but you also don't want to have to ever bring it up again in your general narrative arc as a whole? Get rid of it quick with forced exposure therapy!

Forced exposure therapy works by having you speedrun the entire therapy process by putting you in a life or death scenario where you have no choice but to face your fears. Tired of being afraid? Well throw yourself into that burning building and learn to become brave, once and for all!*

*Forced exposure therapy may worsen phobias in some individuals, potentially resulting in the development of moderate to severe post-traumatic stress disorder. Do not put yourself into life or death scenarios without first speaking to your doctor to see if forced exposure therapy is right for you.

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 5 (that's two in a row! new best streak!!)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, it's me" phone calls: 1 (oh man, we were so close two different times. first one Scully goes, "Mulder, it's Scully," and i was like, "damn," and then later she started calling him on her gigantic black box cell phone, and i was like, "ooh, here we go!" but then the call didn't go through :( )

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 4 (she was kind of the only person paying actual attention to anything this episode)

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 5 (the amount of smoke inhalation he got both times he was in the fire probably should have killed him, tbh)

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 3

Total Number of Sexually Charged and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 6 (there's so much weird tension in this episode that i can't even count it all individually)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 1

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 1

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 6

Total Number of Nosebleeds: 4

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 1

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 1

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 2

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 0 :(

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 3 ½ (giving myself half-credit bc I knew it happened in Cape Cod, but I didn't know where Cape Cod was lol)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 2 (not this episode, and i can also say with authority that this stat won't go up next episode either, bc next episode is mfing "Beyond the Sea" which is the topest of tiers of first season episodes. get hype!!!)

[solar-wing]

Im sorry, but HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO WRITE SO MANY GOOD FICS WITH THAT MANY WORDS??????

Do you have any tips for anyone planning to start writing? Can you describe how your creative thinking works? Love your work!

my exact writing process:

going from left to right:

– stare at my computer, willing the idea/scene in my head to appear on the document in words while listening to whatever inspired me on repeat. – sleep after exhausting my creative energy in such a strenuous manner. – eventually, come back to the idea/story only to end up formating the story post (story cover, author's note, summary, masterlists links, etc.) and not actually work on the story itself. – EVENTUALLY, write something and feel proud of myself for all of five minutes.

– eventually, come back and cringe at the screen wondering what the fuck I wrote and how I even got to the point I'm at. – question who I am and what I'm doing while staring at the screen, attempting again to will the scene/story I'm imagining onto the screen in a DECENT format while also wondering how the fuck it got so long. – read a notification from one of you coronal mass ejections asking me when the story I've been ignoring for months is getting updated (rightfully so) – write with passion fear, because I know if I delay any longer, one of you CMEs will eventually unite the rest of you and start a mass riot.

– stare at the post after publishing it and refresh my screen every thirty seconds to see the likes, reblogs, and comments coming in. – sleep (very important step) – eventually, read over my own work after posting it, going back in to make edits after realizing I either have a duplicated paragraph/section or a misspelled word somewhere and it's bugging the hell out of me while trying to just ignore it. – look at my inbox/drafts, trying to decide what request/draft I should finally start/finish, until I don't do that and just end up starting a new random story after getting inspired from the most random thing.

and that's it (i'm so serious, it goes exactly like that)!

but, in more seriousness, there's three crucial things to my writing creative/process.

an idea that was randomly sparked from a song or likely another post I read somewhere.

a super-powered hyperfocused spawned from ADD (attention deficit disorder) that randomly turns on and off.

drafts that have been sitting in my Google Drive for months to nearly a year.

it's funny because I'm sure people have questions of how I'm pushing upwards of 30K word fics out back to back at times, and the whole time, I'm like "This draft has been sitting here and getting slowly added to since April."

One Kent Was Enough was an idea I got last year during the summer (2023), and the draft had literally been sitting in my Google Drive and Tumblr drafts for months. Like I'm pretty sure I had a draft post of it on my old account before it got shadowbanned and I made this one..

All that to say, my writing process is pretty organic to me. It's really a reflection of my personality and how I operate in real life. Though, I I'd doubt that a lot of the stuff I put in there is unique just to me.

As far as tips I would have, the first one would be don't expect to write like your favorite author off the bat. One, you're two completely different people with different personalities, styles, likes/dislikes, etc. Two, if any of you remember how Nightwing and Shadow first came about, then you know seeing where it's gotten now has been a process. I promise I did not just start writing like this.

But, the biggest tip I would give is to just write. I saw a music artist named Doechii say this in an interview: "I have the right to be bad at something when I first start." Like I said in my process, there are many points I will look back at my work and completely hate it. Sometimes, the stories won't make sense to you or you'll feel like you've just thrown a bunch a words on the screen. It's okay.

It adds to your process because eventually, you start to learn what works best for you and what doesn't. Also, the stories end up turning out to be really well-thought-out and good in the end. I'm not joking when I say One Kent Was Enough was a literal mess at multiple points, and many times, I had no idea where I was going with the story. I literally couldn't get past the scene where the boys meet their dads and the rest of the Team for months until I had a breakthrough.

you'll eventually find your own way. just start writing 💛

[figurativepieceoftrash]

Got briefly, somewhat, got interested in bnha again (possible manga re-read currently pending), so I read your fics Sympathy for the Devil and The Line, and going crazy for the psychological horror aspects in both omg? Just WOW, I love 'em! Are there any notes or ideas or literally any rambles you wanna share about these two fics?

Omg thank you sm for asking! I'd be ecstatic to share a bit about both actually, overjoyed that you decided to briefly return to my work bc you're one of my coolest mutuals and your comments are some of the best I receive, used to always so look forward to seeing your kudos signature at the bottom of my fics 🥺💕

Sympathy actually has a sequel in the works, but I'm not sure if I'll ever publish it considering the oneshot didn't perform as well as I'd like it to and I think the work stands alone fine as it is in terms of what I was hoping to say thematically. That said what's written of the next installment has a v heavy focus on identity (SHOCKING for my writing, I know lol): an on-the-run Izuku still doesn't trust his father despite being forced to rely on his resources/connections/knowledge for survival, and is attempting to figure out where the person he was ends and the person All for One's made him into begins so he can decide exactly how far his loyalty should extend. Although Izuku chose his father during the resolution of Sympathy, there was. Uh. Obviously a lot going on, at the moment, and people tend to make dubious decisions in the midst of heightened emotions, so it's natural that he might question things a bit in the aftermath

While the primary focus of sympathy was tackling my issues with the underlying messages conveyed by bnha's ending (I feel like most of my works nowadays broach that subject, at least to a degree), there was also a good bit in there about cycles of abuse and grappling with the less savory traits one might inherit from their parents, especially in regards to personality disorders and mental illnesses. Because of this, I wanted to really make it clear that although Izuku does share a lot of similarities to afo following the psychological redecorating he's performed, he is still capable of coming out the other end a person he can be proud of, even if it might take some real doing and constitute what feels like a lifelong uphill battle.

Because of this, the outline of the fic did slate for a happy ending; after plenty of conflict, introspection, and interpersonal drama, we'd get to a point where Izuku realized struggling to empathize with others didn't make him a bad person, there aren't good people just people trying day by day to be good, people have the capacity to accept and care for him even if he has changed, etc. etc. etc. all very and they rode off into the sunset type stuff. Even after he'd expelled afo from his mindscape he'd never go back to normal, but sometimes experiences change you and you have to learn to grow around them even if you personally can't find a positive spin to it. Not all of Izuku's friends are as close following the change and some drift away entirely (I do not write fluff and I have to stay true to my personal interpretation of realism, sorry 😔) but enough people are willing to adapt to this new version of him that he thinks he can eventually become someone he doesn't hate being.

The Line is similar both in that it dished out my beef with the bnha ending in a major way and that it got thrown in "Oh God, I wrote like eight chapters of this but no one likes it so I'll be damned if I ever publish them. Oh, the Shame! It burns!" limbo. This one also dealt heavily with themes of the self, though its grapples were less with perceived ethical deficit and more with (lack of) accomplishment-based feelings of inadequacy and the pressures of self-enforced interpersonal comparison. I feel like a large portion of fandom is in that age group where they're starting to figure out their lives, and they're either conventionally successful but grappling with the reality of leaving behind lifelong social networks/safety nets/friends (Uraraka) or failing to accomplish their childhood dreams and coming face to face with shame, aimlessness, and perceived inadequacy (Izuku).

I thought it would be really fun to explore this alongside Bnha's Issues With The Concept of Saving™️ and what it actually means to have failed to save someone. Bnha has this issue where it forces characters to infantilize and dehumanize villains for the sake of saving them. Here’s me going off about it in a private discord server with my friends bc I’m too lazy to rephrase it here lol:

But yeah! Line attempted to critique this by mirroring that same shallow dehumanizing thinking in the way the Toga and Shigaraki treated Izuku. Using a human being with agency and a complex internal reality as a personal project without considering their identity as an individual seems very sinister when the shoe is on the other foot, and although everyone involved has good intentions, dehumanization is never a constructive way to solve a problem.

I also obviously took issue with how the public reacted to Izuku and Ochako's frankly half-assed attempts at saving the villains? Shoto was very open with his intentions, but the fact that neither of the other characters with "marginalized dissidents are people too even if they use unethical means to address social issues" arcs actually went public with their desire to help means that any broader change that might've occurred as a result of their actions is negated. Weirdly enough Izuku pushes the responsibility of framing villains as people onto Spinner??? For some reason??? Which like. Okay. But I think the angry and demoralized public would be a lot more eager to listen to an ex-heroics student of considerable renown than a convicted felon, yeah? Seems kind of like you. Don't actually care??? Very weird handling of the story's central conflict, I'll say that much.

But yeah if any of those concepts interest you lmk, talking about this is kind of making me want to revisit it, if I'm being perfectly honest. Thanks again for asking me to talk about my fics, I'm super grateful, esp bc I just released another total flop lol, it means a lot to me in a time when it feels like no one likes my writing :P

[from-izzy]

addressing my health and writing!!

fun fact: i'm rereading this post as careful as i can because i wrote ~90% of this post with my eyes closed!!

hi everyone!

the title of this post seems so serious but also not so serious at the same time...? 😅

anyways! this is just me updating a little bit of my health and how it's been affecting my writing.

on january 31st 2022, my psychologist wrote a letter to my school addressing that he 'has...identified that [I have]...Sensory Processing Disorder' (words quoted by the letter that was sent out). as far as i'm aware, i specifically have sensory modulation disorder.

i'll try to keep this concise and to the point. in terms of my spd in general, four of my five senses are hypersensitive with my top two being visual and hearing.

i recently just found out an important info by quite literally timing myself. i stayed in my room, lights out and in the dark for 20 mins. during that time, i did nothing but just stare at the ceiling (or i don't know, the spider that went past too) and jammed to some music. after, i started to write.

there is small time gap of 14 mins before i felt a twitch in my right eye. there is a small 1 min gap after when i started to get a headache. for me, i knew this before but i was afraid to admit it especially when i love writing so much but it's clear now that i am hypersensitive to lights.

that's why (at least, i personally feel like this) my writing quality has decreased drastically and writing errors are more apparent than ever. i get people to proofread for me but i'm really bad in asking for help so i usually just try to do it myself to the best of my abilities. the way i explain scenes have also been more boring and bland, and i want to tell you that if you think so too, you're most probably right! it frustrates me more than anything.

i'm trying to find ways to counter this or at least make the time gap bigger. i recently found out that writing in the dark, phone brightness down to the lowest helps and i was able to write for about ~40 mins before i started to get a headache. but unfortunately for my sleep hygiene, no technology should be in my room (i even moved my piano out of my room because of this) and so, i am trying to find another way.

another way i found is that closing my eyes works. fun fact: i'm rereading this post as careful as i can because i wrote ~90% of this post with my eyes closed!! yes it works but you can imagine how hard it can be.

if i can be fully honest, it's actually really hard for me to both read and write these days as well because there is no way i can make out the words without any form of light. when the headache strikes, it strikes and walking in a straight line can become difficult sometimes. the reality is that it's hard to write without reading and it sucks that i can't support anyone's work at the moment, especially when they have supported me so much (i'm so sorry to all the writers out there). there is nothing much i can do right now but to remember and learn the stories in my head as references when i write.

i'm still exploring for more ideas but if you have any ideas, do tell! i would love to try them out!

but i'm not going to stop writing! not when i have ideas to write and stories to share! it's just going to be slow and i'm planning to take it in a pace where i can handle. like i've mentioned before, i don't want to release stories that i'm not proud of.

thank you everyone for the support so far! 'double a decade' reached 100+ notes in less than a week! that's so crazy for me, thank you 😭💕

[sophieinwonderland]

Imitated DID Reloaded

(Part 1, Part 2)

After the controversies of the 80s and 90s, the publications of the imitated DID theory and the rename from MPD, DID diagnosis rates and public awareness of the disorder overall plummeted. Recently though, it's been picking up steam online, which led to a revival of the Imitated DID theory.

Clinicians identified five themes common in these cases they deemed to be imitated.

But before touching those...

An important note on methodology.

Notice the name at the front of the paper on the TADS-I, Boon, is also one of the authors of this study, and of the original Imitated DID paper.

Looking up the TADS-I immediately links to Suzette Boon's own website.

In the limitations section, it's mentioned that TADS has yet to be validated.

So Suzette Boon and colleagues used Suzette Boon's unvalidated interview (TADS-I) to assess patients for having a condition originally made up by Suzette Boon. (Imitated DID.)

With that note on methodology, let's dive right in and address everything wrong with the themes!

The Themes

Theme 1: Endorsement and Identification With the Diagnosis

In a modern era, it's pretty common for ordinary people to research a disorder they think they may have. Especially if a mental health professional suggests the diagnosis first, as happened in four of the six cases listed...

If someone says "I think you might have this disorder," MOST young people today are going to look on the internet to determine if it matches up. We literally have this ability in our pocket. Of course we'll use it.

And if you want to establish a theme like this, then you should generally have some type of control group to compare it to.

These were six people out of 85. There are no percentages given of the other 79 who had identified with the disorder beforehand. There are no statistics of how many looked it up online. It seems like it would be easy to get these sorts of stats to test their hypothesis but they aren't there.

Theme 2: Using the Notion of Dissociative Parts to Justify Identity Confusion and Conflicting Ego-States

This one is a bit harder to parse.

The idea here seems to be that people who have conflicting feelings or identity confusion will attribute that to alters.

The problem with this, similar to the first one, is that there's no comparison to actual DID groups.

Victoria lacks a firm sense of identity. And I think it's fair to say her acting in different ways to different people probably isn't a different alter every time. But it's possible and common to experience a lack of identity like this, while also having a complex dissociative disorder.

I can't assess whether she has DID or OSDD, but I don't think experiences like this are indicative of her not having it, and I know many DID systems would relate to her not having much of an identity.

2.1: Dominique and Partial DID

The next example in this section is about Dominique.

The reason for dismissing Dominique having DID is that her characters don't live separate lives or have amnesia. And it's possible she may not have it.

But what's never mentioned once in this paper is Partial DID. This paper was published after the ICD-11, and even uses the ICD-11 for its DID criteria. But the profile for Partial DID is never mentioned in the paper.

From the ICD-11

Partial dissociative identity disorder is characterised by disruption of identity in which there are two or more distinct personality states (dissociative identities) associated with marked discontinuities in the sense of self and agency. Each personality state includes its own pattern of experiencing, perceiving, conceiving, and relating to self, the body, and the environment. One personality state is dominant and normally functions in daily life, but is intruded upon by one or more non-dominant personality states (dissociative intrusions). These intrusions may be cognitive, affective, perceptual, motor, or behavioural. They are experienced as interfering with the functioning of the dominant personality state and are typically aversive. The non-dominant personality states do not recurrently take executive control of the individual’s consciousness and functioning, but there may be occasional, limited and transient episodes in which a distinct personality state assumes executive control to engage in circumscribed behaviours, such as in response to extreme emotional states or during episodes of self-harm or the reenactment of traumatic memories. The symptoms are not better explained by another mental, behavioural or neurodevelopmental disorder and are not due to the direct effects of a substance or medication on the central nervous system, including withdrawal effects, and are not due to a disease of the nervous system or a sleep-wake disorder. The symptoms result in significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning.

This sounds a lot like what's described with Dominique.

Of course, Dominique could be a non-disordered system too.

What I find concerning is that at no point is the possibility of Partial-DID or of OSDD brought up. It's expected to be DID or nothing for the purposes of this study.

Another thing I need to say... alters aren't usually heard acoustically. I believe they can be in some cases, but it's not the majority. So I don't understand why that was relevant unless the authors misunderstand how voice hearing typically manifests.

2.2 "No participant provided evidence..."

I'm so curious what evidence people were expected to provide. As a reminder, in the last paper, being too open about talking about your alters or describing your switches was seen as a sign of Imitated DID. And it's the same in other parts of this paper.

How do you go about providing evidence for an autonomous dissociative part?

Theme 3: Exploring Personal Experiences via the Lens of Dissociation

There's not much to say about this one either. People who think they have a disorder begin relating experiences to those disorders. Like with all the other "themes" discussed, there is no comparison to the "genuine" DID group, many of whom would likely also have conducted similar research.

People who have autism, for example, will analyze their behavior and wonder how much of it is because of the autism. Same with ADHD, and various personality disorders.

Theme 4: Talking About DID Attracts Attention

Again, no comparison is made to a "genuine DID" group who is out to friends and family. It's likely that, yes, DID is going to be a topic of conversation for those who are out. But the same is true of many conditions.

"People who are imitating DID talk about having DID" wouldn't be a helpful distinction if people who aren't imitating DID also talk about having DID. (With close friends and people they trust.)

Theme 5: Ruling Out DID Leads to Disappointment or Anger

And like with every other theme in this, there's no comparison to the "genuine" DID group.

If you lied and told the other 80 participants that they didn't have DID, how would they react???

I don't know. Because that study was never conducted.

I predict a lot of DID systems who had been diagnosed by others and identified with the label would react the same way though.

This point feels especially insidious, as it's designed to reinforce a clinicians' belief that they made the right decision after saying someone doesn't have DID.

"Well, you got upset when I told you that you didn't have this condition you're certain you had, therefore I'm even more right that you don't have it."

It can't even possibly help you diagnose because it only comes later. It's only about validating the clinicians after the fact.

All these "Themes" have the same flaw

The themes are derived from six case studies (way too small of a sample size) of so-called "imitated" DID. But there's no comparison to genuine DID. No statistics to show that these same themes wouldn't be present in a majority of "genuine" DID cases too.

In other words, these themes have zero utility in differentiating between DID and non-DID phenomena.

Return of the Shame Criterion

Homosexuality was much more hidden and shameful in the 80s than it is today. The same is true of transness. And the same is actually true of many mental illnesses too. We can talk about our own autism more openly than someone could in the 80s.

Shame is often not simply based on the individual but on the culture and the subcultures they exist in.

Like I addressed in the first post in this series, certain disorders, conditions and just general personality types may make someone less ashamed of traits others would be ashamed of.

But more than that, expected shame can change as a culture changes and we become more accepting. And THAT'S A GOOD THING. We should all WANT a world where people with DID can feel less ashamed of themselves. The expectation of shame, the requirement of shame to be seen as valid, is something we need to fight against.

Here's a post I made on that particular subject.

And let me just make another note on these particular patients: These are not people who had just newly been diagnosed. They've had time to heal and come to terms with what they are, and build connections with the rest of their alleged systems.

Someone who has known about their DID for three years will generally have less shame for symptoms than they might have at 1 month.

This section also appears at odds with the earlier implication that patients show evidence of "dissociative parts," creating a very unfortunate paradox where you need to provide proof, but trying to provide proof is evidence of faking.

Other symptoms of DID

Luckily, the paper doesn't just talk about themes. It also discusses symptoms. So maybe these will hold up better to scrutiny.

Voices

I'm genuinely worried by this that the doctors don't understand the internal experiences of the disorders they're diagnosing.

As far as I know, this is how voices typically present in DID. Earlier on, it mentioned that Dominique didn't report an "acoustic" quality to the voices. But that's how the voices typically work. Acoustic voices are possible too, but voices heard are typically mind voices.

The way this is phrased makes me think the doctors were expecting patients to all have vivid acoustic voices.

And I believe this misconception led to a miscommunication with Mary, who clearly is describing parts talking to her.

But allegedly later denied "hearing voices."

My own interpretation, at least, is that Mary was probably confused and thought the clinicians were asking about actual audible voices. Which it actually sounds like they might have been.

Voice hearing is complicated, and this paper is written in a way which might add more confusion, making readers falsely believe that alters will always speak in these sorts of acoustic voices rather than mindvoices resembling internal thoughts.

This sort of misunderstanding is genuinely dangerous to patients.

Amnesia

There are a couple points that need to be made about Amnesia.

First: Under the DSM, there is a presentation of OSDD that includes all the symptoms of DID but without the amnesia. In the community, we typically refer to this as OSDD-1b.

Second: Under the ICD-11, while described as "typically present," amnesia isn't even a hard requirement for a DID diagnosis as seen below:

Third: Partial DID in the ICD-11 also had no amnesia feature at all. At no point is this or OSDD brought up.

Focus on the amnesia criterion here, while necessary for a diagnosis of DID under the DSM-5, doesn't address larger questions of if the patients might have disorders involving "dissociative parts."

The fact that these other disorders exist where amnesia isn't required NEEDS to be addressed this paper.

Language

This is somewhat good advice. I'm against the implication that knowing jargon, for patients who have been told by other clinicians that they have a dissociative disorder, is an indicator of imitated DID.

But I do very much agree with the fact that people who use these terms don't often understand them and you need to ask questions that go beyond the terms selves. Getting someone to describe a flashback is more useful than them saying they have flashbacks, when they may just mean they have vivid memories.

Although for the 1st person perspective, this may just be different ways of contextualizing the same experience, or even trying to phrase things in ways they thing a singlet will understand. I think, for a paper that tries to beat people over the head with how DID is usually a "disorder of hiddenness," they're ignoring how referring to yourselves in the 1st person with other people becomes habitual.

Not to mention that certain parts of the DID community even believe it's healthier to refer to everything they do as a system using singular pronouns, viewing it as a form of system responsibility.

Depersonalization

Are "self-states" not autonomous?

What... actually is the difference between an autonomous dissociative part and an autonomous unintegrated self-state with its own name and identity?

Is there a way to reliably differentiate between these concepts?

Switches

This is the part that I feel rises to actual misinformation.

Before getting to the highlighted part, I'm going to point out that the source for the "shame and fear" of disclosing their internal parts is the study from the previous two posts.

The study THAT DIDN'T INCLUDE ANY EXAMPLES OF "GENUINE" DID CASES.

It was stated as a fact with no statistics or evidence to back it up whatsoever. And one of the authors, Suzette Boon, is also an author of this study. This "source" might as well be Suzette Boon quoting herself claiming something.

Now, to the highlighted part... this is complete misinformation.

I'm shocked it got published.

Some DID patients can, in fact, control switches. This has been observed in fMRI scans:

DID systems DO NOT need to be triggered to switch. This has been proven with actual brain scans, in addition to decades of reports in the literature.

And I need to repeat again that this group was also taken from people who were already in treatment for DID.

In other words, even if they couldn't control switching before, it would be something they likely would have picked up through treatment.

A Solution in Search of a Problem

Ultimately, this is a study which has little reason to exist. In their sample of 85 people, they found only six they claim had Imitated DID. Even if these assessments are were correct. Even if they weren't conducted by people who seem to not understand how switching or voice hearing works in DID... this would leave us with a 7% false positive rate.

Meanwhile... mentioned in this same paper...

26%-40% of DID patients will be diagnosed with and treated for Schizophrenia first. And this doesn't even address misdiagnosis of other disorders like BPD.

Imitated DID continues to be a solution in search of a problem.

But there is a very REAL problem of underdiagnosis and misdiagnosis of actual DID cases. Something that will only be exacerbated by convincing doctors that "genuine" DID systems can't possibly control switching (and anyone who does is faking), that voices heard are always acoustic, and that DID systems will always be ashamed of their symptoms.

Papers like this are going to result in fewer systems who need help being able to get a diagnosis.

[acaciapines]

obviously if you’re busy leave this alone but: your tag essay has made me VERY intrigued about Dess and Azzy’s relationship in this AU. Tell me about it?

(also, did you see they did an announcement about Starship Iris season 3? It’s finally gonna happen!)

okay IM HERE TO TALK LOL i will NEVER not talk about this au <3 uhhh under a cut bc. really i should just expect these get super long.

big important note up top: all of this is in! early stages! things are not fully formed and researched yet so please keep that in mind as you read this. ideas might change and will get deeper as i do more work for this au, but since rn im focusing on owl house most of these are my ideas i've had without time to do deeper dives into them.

okay so with asriel i've always sort of written him as this guy who like...has an idea of what is 'normal' in his head, ie, what society wants from people, and what it doesnt want, and he has tried his hardest his entire life to always fit into this box. (think about i know im not well--this is why he's always seen kris as a human. being nonhuman is abnormal and gets you punished in society. to an extent this is also how he views dess being aromantic.)

i think a lot of this comes from fear--asriel IS for sure contorting himself and actively harming himself to stay inside this narrow box of 'normal' (think of this as another sort of prophecy--these are all touching on the same themes). and he applies this same mentality to other people BECAUSE of this fear, because he doesnt want his loved ones to be hurt, to be punished, ostracized, etc by society--which are i wanna be clear VERY MUCH THINGS THAT HAPPEN--but in doing this he sort of just hurts the people he loves. because instead of being someone who rejects these boxes hes like. no we gotta be good and fit into the boxes and then everything will be okay.

so when it comes to dess, dess has always very much Done Her Own Thing, consequences be damned. partly this is who she is, partly this is hashtag undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, the onset of which happens around when shes 18 and everything is going down with the bunker (which is NOT helping at ALL). and so when dess comes back from the bunker asriel does very much go 'oh. shes delusional.' and proceed to be No Help At All.

and like, the thing is dess IS very much having a psychotic break. this bit is very much still in deep research (sidenote: anybody in my audience who has experience w/ these things. feel free to hit me up/dm me lol i'd love to talk through some of my ideas as a sort of preliminary sensitivity read, but of course only do this if you are up to it, no pressure lol bc again we're in early stages) but she has schizoaffective + bipolar disorder. dark worlds dont help with this, asriel SUPER doesnt help with this (he doesnt know her actual disorder--neither of them do, this is the onset of things. but tbf even if he did he Would Not Help asriel is essentially doing everything wrong here.) and what dess needs is literally one single person in her corner but the person who is supposed to be in her corner (azzy) is basically being like 'you are making this up' and shes like im NOT, and everything is all mixed together, terrible, bad, awful, and eventually everything culminates and. we know what happens.

(side note but this is why she and chara work real well together actually--chara gets her when asriel doesnt!!)

asriel never actually like. tells anybody about this though. in his head after its assumed dess and kris have died he sort of just. is like well this proves it. i cant let anybody else i care about go that far EVER AGAIN, because if i was a better friend i would've noticed and i wouldve stopped it and made dess "normal." (yes asriel sucks here. the focus is on the kids but. he's getting an arc. i do promise he will get better but. that doesnt really fix what he's done in the past.)

and all of this is like. it fucking sucks for the people around asriel. in hurting himself he's hurting his loved ones--it pushes dess away, and that relationship is never going to be the same. even when asriel realizes how he fucked up i dont think dess really forgives him. because if asriel had just believed her, or at least even if he didnt actually took her seriously and tried to help, shes like. things wouldve gone differently. and asriel knows this too.

and then when it comes to NOELLE, well. asriel's always been very overprotective of her. terrified the world is going to hurt her. and so when noelle starts experiencing things, things she cant tell if theyre real or not...

she doesnt tell him. she doesnt tell anybody. she keeps it all to herself, and this means its a hell of a lot easier for the player/red soul to manipulate her. and nobody finds out until its too late.

[the-most-sane-man]

Am I the only one who thinks that Will Graham has a dissociative disorder? During my first watch through, I thought it was simple character progression, but the more I look at it, the more evidence I find for Will to have a few different personality states. It's not as dramatic as like, DID or something, but they're definitely there. Pictured are 3 distinct personality states, that, while they blend together sometimes, have their own distinct morals, signifiers, speech patterns, and even preferred clothing.

Throughout the show, we see Will dissociate multiple times. We see him dissociate straight out of the courtroom in season 2 a whole bunch, we see him literally have to be brought back to reality by Hannibal after he kills Randall Tier in the scene where Hannibal bandages his hands. ("Stay with me, Will," he says.)

We also know that Will has a habit of adopting the mindsets and personalities of serial killers and therefore can empathize with, think like, and ultimately catch killers in ways that nobody else can think of, so it's not out of the question to assume that when trying to catch Hannibal, he does a more dramatic version of this.

Now, onto the three personality states. In season 1, most of what we see is who I'm calling Soft Will. He's incredibly compassionate with a strong sense of justice, and he also demonstrates incredible levels of protectiveness around people that he sees as vulnerable. He also craves connection above all else even as he feels unfit for it, as seen when he tries to kiss Alana, how he interacts with Hannibal, and his repeated attempts to parent Abigail. His core values seem to be compassion, even for people who others would deem monsters, as seen with his interactions with Georgia Madchen. He is generally marked by messiness in clothing, wider eyes, a softer voice, and a tendency to avoid eye contact. He also gets overwhelmed pretty easily. Almost any time you see Will panic, break down, or cry, it is this version.

By season 2, arc 1, we get a glimpse at a different Will Graham that I, at first, thought was simple character progression. This Will Graham is angry, intelligent, and full of determination. I've dubbed this Will The Hunter because his core values are justice and vengeance by any means necessary. He is snarky, pragmatic, and begins to show an aptitude for manipulation, but prefers to be blunt and honest. He is also very violent in a very direct way. He punches people, he whips guns out on people, he tries to stab people. You can sort of see Soft Will pop in a few times throughout the season, but for the most part, it's the Hunter. He is marked by hooded eyes, eyebrows that, for the most part are either flat or slightly downturned, and while he is generally a bit cleaner and better put together than Soft Will, he still doesn't have very expensive taste in clothing or hair products, opting for ironed versions of his worker's shirts and jackets. It should also be noted that he makes copious amounts of eye contact. Season 2, arc 2, sees the introduction of the third personality, but it flickers and blends so much with the Hunter that it's not super visible until season 3.

Season 3 is interesting because this is where I first began to think he had personality states as opposed to simple character progression, and then went back to rewatch it to see if the theory held up. In the second episode of Season 3, Will is Soft Will throughout almost the whole episode while he's talking to Abigail. His voice is soft, his eyebrows are upturned, and when another person tries to talk to him, he puts on his glasses and avoids eye contact. He is compassionate, but distant and generally wants to be left alone, and the way he approaches his problem with Hannibal is through a lens of empathy. He's trying to understand why Hannibal so gruesomely harmed both him and Abigail, and he's making excuses for him, putting the blame on himself, and generally trying to force himself to see the incident as his own fault. He's showing an inflated sense of compassion for Hannibal as a trauma response, then, something very interesting happens.

Near the end of this episode, we literally see him switch from Soft Will into the third personality which I have dubbed Predatory Will or Hannibal's Reflection. We see Will sitting on the steps, hunched over himself almost protectively as he comes to terms with what happened to Abigail, then, the next time we see him, he is leaned back against those same stairs, his hands folded leisurely over his stomach as he stares at the ceiling and contemplates his next move. He remains in this personality state until Hannibal tries to eat his brain, possibly a little earlier when Chiyoh pushes him off the train.

Anyway, Predatory Will is marked as being a reflection of Hannibal's personality. He has the same manipulative tactics, he is snarky, and he has very few morals, viewing them mostly as aesthetic choices that he could use to manipulate the outcomes of certain events. He is curious, and has very little compassion, but a high ability to emotionally read people and guess what they're about to do. He doesn't really have any core moral values besides entertaining his own whims and entertaining himself through the changing of others. His violence tends to be more subtle and based around inspiring others to violence as opposed to doing it himself. He is marked by clean, sharp clothes and excellent grooming, and by now I'm sure we're all familiar with that eyebrow.

The second half of season 3 brings out mostly Soft and Hunter Will.

I've noticed a lot of dissonant opinions on who Will Graham actually is, his motivations, etc, but honestly, I think that more than one viewpoint is correct using this new theory. He IS motivated by compassion, he IS motivated by rage, and he IS motivated by love, curiosity, and a certain amount of sadism, but it all depends on the Will you get.

So... I guess that's it. That's my case. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

[ereshckigal]

Toxic Bullshit 1x1

I want my girls in here to be safe, so I decided to give you some ressources in order to

explain why this community gatekeeps certain blogs (communities) and behaviours

grow your knowledge about red flags in certain situations to protect yourself from harm

I will update this post recently

How to identify manipulation

Manipulation comes in many forms and it’s important to identify the early signs in order to prevent to be taken advantage of or being abused. Please remember it‘s not your fault if someone does this to you or if you didn’t recognised the early signs, because that is literally how manipulation works: You shall not realise the influence a manipulator has on you, that’s why they do it cowardly, instead of using force, to gain what they want from you. So it’s part of the „game“ that you have no clue what’s going on. That’s not a reason to be ashamed, take it as an experience instead, a real life example on how manipulation works on you and how to recognise it in the future.

Also take the time and make some notes:

How was your gut feeling?

Has the manipulative person done/said something „weird“ you recognised but didn’t payed attention to because you thaught they are just socially awkward/desperate/it‘s nothing big?

What kind of trigger points made you receptive for them?

Which hidden fear/wound did they speak to, to use it against you?

Which hidden desire or passion did they speak to, to use it against you?

Where you vulnerable like financial, psychological, economical or spiritual in the situation?

If yes, how can you solve this problem without being taken advantage of?

If it happens frequently, is there a pattern or similarity in people who take advantage of you?

Which phrases got used by the person?

Are there some toxic believes about yourself or the world, that influenced you in the situation?

Was there some hard truth/hard pill to swallow in order to realise what happened to you? Something you learned? Write it down.

So it‘s not you fault you didn’t recognized mind game on you, but you can try to avoid falling for them in the future by understanding and seeing the patterns in them. Here are some of the most prominent methodes toxic people use:

Projection

Projection is one of the most primitive protection mechanisms and normal in toddlers and elementary students. Adults should be able to manage situations without it but many can’t or won’t, because it avoids confrontations and accountability. It happens when a person gets confronted with a characteristic or something they have done, that they don’t like about themselves or even fear to be. If you call an emotinal immature person out for being a liar, they will call you a liar. If you tell them their solution to solve a problem has flaws, they will tell you that they are experts on the topic and that you are actually the one, who is incompetent. This can come of as rude, unreflected in the best and work as gaslighting in the worst cases.

Gaslighting

This method will try to make you crazy by doubting your reality and perception of reality until you no longer trust yourself, or your judgement.

Love Bombing

Love Bombing is a form of manipulation and while it comes with some cluster B disorders as a symptom, it can be also intentional and some cluster B individuals learned to use their symptoms intentional to achieve a goal. This may not be true for every cluster B individual of course, but we don’t talk about the „good ones“ here and sometimes even genuine affection bombing can lead into a toxic relationship. So this is not about exceptions, this is about the law of love bombing and if you wonder if you are one of the few exceptions, you should also look into this to clarify your situation. Believing your relationship is something special and you are the only one who won‘t be hurt, because you are different is actually part of the illusion, love bombing puts you in. So please be careful. Love Bombing feels nice in the beginning. It can be in the context of a romantic relationship, but it is used in friendships and high control groups as well. The victim gets showered with love, attention, time together, praise, compliments, things that make them feel good. It almost feels to good to be true, like a living dream, the relationship seems perfect. But attention!! While life can hold some wonderful moments and a good partner loves and cares for you, this is not the case when it comes to love bombing. Because this affection isn’t genuine (or at least won‘t last long) and you will be humbled soon. It won’t feel this way forever, but you won’t be able to leave anymore because the love bombing made your brain addicted to all the affection and stopped to produce it’s own happy hormons. If the love bombing stops, your brain has already a chemichal imbalance and without oxytocine (affection) and dopamine (reward) produced by your own, you‘ll feel anxious and depressed. You are an emotional junkie now who is dependent on the love bombers attention, because it’s the only source of dopamine you have. This is a big psychological weapon used against your mind and you suffer the same psychological symptoms a junkie does, when the person who love bombed you, won‘t show you affaction anymore. You are emotionally dependent now, your mood depends on their behaviour and if they leave you, it’s more than a heart break, it’s an withdrawal. This gives the love bomber enormous power over you, because even if they treat you bad, you will do everything to make them stay and regulate your mood system. You may even take traumatic experiences like physical or sexual violence because in this moment, it hurts less than starving from the abusers affection. If you ever wondered why victims of domestic violence don’t leave, you have your answer now. The only solution to love bombing is withdrawel, which means leaving first and refuse any contact, no matter how painful it is. But this is a hard thing and very lonely, because you will crave a connection like this again and no one can give it to you because this is not how a normal relationship works. The love bomber will be on your mind, for months and everyone you meet will think you are just heartbroken, without understanding your actual pain. It will be a withdrawel but it’s worth the pain, because it’s the only way to end your suffering. If you won’t leave, you will either be left in a state you can’t regulate yourself anymore, which leads to serious issues in other life areas like work/school or you will be vulnerable to any abuse and it will accumulate. In the worst case, one day you will look on your life as an old lady but all you see is a lifetime of abuse and then your brain will develope dementia due to the complex trauma you have. It can be a life sentence if you don’t intervene and it will always end painful, the only thing you can choose is taking back control over your life. If you get lovebombed, it always ends in pain, you will be hurt, so watch out on early signs.

If you realize your mood suddenly relies on someone you just met

If someone you barely know showers you with afftection and everything goes quick

If someone agrees to everything you say, does everything you ask them for and showers you with gifts

If it feels unreal, like to good to be true, it is

If someone is to similar to you, like a version of you from the other sex or a twin soul

You suddenly spent all your time together

Triangulation

This is a manipulation tactic, also called the drama triangle, where one person acts like the victim of a situation but is actually the bully. The „victim“ then blames the person they actually victimize for their problems or for reacting to their behaviour. The victimized person tries to defend themself, which looks for the outside like blaming the „victim“ for their fate, even like attacking them and the victimized person appears to be the „bully“. Then a third person comes into the situation, these kind of people are most times very empathetic, kind, always helping. They don’t know what happened before, they only see the „poor victim“, hear the „victims“ side of the story and how the „bully“ is „mean“ and they try to solve the issue. They may think they mediate a conflict or protect someone from bullying but in reality they get manipulated, just like the „bully“ who probably was also once in the savior position. The „savior“ may see themself as impartial or just someone who witnessed injustice, but they are influenced by the „victims“ manipulation, so they either take over the „victims“ narratives and comply in gaslighting, blaming and guilt tripping the „Bully“ or they are straight up mean to them. If the „savior“ finds out they got manipulated and confronts the „victim“, because they feel used after they broke their own moral rules, they turn into the next „bully“ and either a new savior appears or in cases of emotional depency, the old „bully“ seeks revenge and turns into the „savior“. The only solution to this situation is not to participate, because the drama triangle nourishs from it‘s toxicity and every try to solve the issue only leads into a new shifting of roles, not a solution. It’s a common tactic used by emotional abusers, cheaters and other kinds of perpetraitors to conceal the actual issue.

Manipulation may seem harmless at first, but it can lead to much darker things like domestic violence or sexual assault and rape. It is also used by perpetrators to make you accept those things or let you think „it wasn’t that bad“, in order to avoid accountability. It’s not uncommon in violence against women, so I‘ll add these things:

The BITE Model

The BITE Model stands for

Behaviour Control

Information Control

Thought Control

Emotional Control

and was developed by Dr. Steven Hassan to identify high control groups. It is used to identify cults but it’s pattern is not limited to religious groups and you can find them in highly toxic environments too. For example the ed community here on tumblr would fit its definition, as well as the gross parts of the kink/NSFW Community (that’s why I gatekeep them here, so the girls who left those communities have a safe space. It might seem harmless because it’s „just online“ but just because you aren’t physically involved, it doesn‘t mean it has no impact on your psyche. Maybe I will add a part about cyber grooming later) Here is the official website of Steven Hassan and also some graphics about the characteristics in high control groups and how they differentiate from healthy groups, made by him:

[system-of-a-feather]

Do you think knowing your role is really important? Like protectors are pretty clearly protectors for us but I'm just a teen alter who's sad a lot. Maybe I'm taking the labels too literally? I hold trauma memories but that's not all I do...I think maybe we were heavily misled by DID youtubers. Like our old host stressed themselves out so much when they first discovered the system because they heard that alters are trapped in trauma memories like a mind hell and also they can DIE. But I was one of the alters they were worried about and I'm not trapped.

Naaaaahhhhh. And honestly, we are very disillusioned and not a fan of DID Youtube all together really. The only one we really would recommend to any level is M&M and even then, I would say to take it with the note that they are sharing a fraction of everything and only what they are comfortable sharing publicly. Beyond that, I reallly would try to not take DID Youtube too seriously or really as anything too particularly informational.

Specifically also, don't fuck around with DissociaDID shit, we won't go into our detailed opinions on them, but they're arguably the worst in terms of both active message and information and the passive subcontext and lessons they share on there. I am personally of the believe that in most cases DissociaDID's video sets people up for failure if used for anything more than just a "heres the very very basics of how things kinda tend to be like sometimes" and/or an introduction to the chaotic mess. I say this as an ex-fan.

But DID Youtube aside, nah, I don't really think roles are all too important at all and honestly I heavily promote making up your own ones. The label of roles - especially the official ones - should serve more to communicate to therapists and outsiders (of the system) key dynamics and ways of existing of some parts to others. I find that using your own words and labels to describe your system helps create a more catered perspective to approaching how your system works.

The general paradigm of "protector" "trauma holder" "persecutor" "gatekeeper" stuff works very well as a template for understanding alter dynamics and so it works for a lot of people starting up good enough, but I feel as you go further into recovery, you benefit more from having custom and curated terms that apply more specifically to your system and those roles are better used for internal purposes.

And even then, its perfectly fine to not have a role cause existing (DID or not) is not about having a specific duty or role to fit into, it is and should be solely to just live and enjoy things. Getting too bogged down in what part is doing what for what reason tends to keep parts from actually just existing beyond the chaos of their disorder - which is something XIV had taught us cause we used to be pretty heavy with roles in the past. You exist and that should come first before trying to fit you into a box or into the machine because you existing is more important that what you have to offer.

Lin is in a similar situation to you from the little I know - a teen alter that is a trauma holder that does more than just hold trauma but nothing too drastically large - and thats super fine and cool. He's not doing anything, he is just living and learning to live and thats all we expect from him. We're happy when we see him happy and we don't really care what he is supposed to be doing or what role he plays cause man fuck that shit.

We are just here to live. It benefits none of us to be trying to focus on "work" within the system when we have a life to live.

I am of the opinion that roles help in relaxing and getting an understanding to the general idea of how DID works, but past that stage of confusion of early healing, its kinda just best to let that go and really just learn to live again.

Hyper focusing and trying to organize and understand everything in DID is honestly ruminating and fixating and staying in trauma - inherently - and will keep you regularly trying to pick apart trauma and ruminate in it - directly or not - if you are worrying too much about labels and roles and how everything works exactly. It's easier said than done and it took us years to get here, but imo the best way to live peacefully with DID is to really just let it be.

It's scary if you aren't there yet and its not something you can really rush or force, but that's my personal secret advice as someone at functional multiplicity. You don't need to understand you DID to have great peace with it, hell I'd even argue that its pointless to try to understand your DID (might not be true cause we're polyfragmented so maybe for non pf systems its less of a wild goose chase, but for us we just came to terms and accepted that this shit is nonsensical and trying to make sense out of it is more of a headache than its worth)

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

Welp I have an update on the whole psych testing situation

He called me today to ask a couple more questions and go over some things.

This guy proceeds to ask if I was interested in being physically intimate with people, to determine whether or not they should look further into schizoid personality disorder, because apparently that was a thing they were considering for me???

And I'll get right back to that but like, pressing pause for a moment: what if I was just a sex-repulsed ace? And they took that as evidence of a completely different disorder I don't have? Kinda concerning, but anyway, back to the fact that they were even looking into that as a possibility,

So there's that, and also the fact that I allegedly don't quite meet the criteria for an autism diagnosis, but I'm genuinely taking that as a testing error and, fortunately, an official dx for autism doesn't really matter to me. I know my brain better than someone who's spoken to me a handful of times, and I don't necessarily want it on record anyway (I've heard there are some cases where clinically diagnosed autistics are discriminated against within like, legal and employment systems)

See this is why I have such low confidence in the testing process. They really don't know me and the process doesn't give them a chance to get to know me, not really, because sure a lot of my behavior might present as spd but the motivations behind it makes it completely different, like literally so so different. I'm most definitely not uninterested or indifferent or apathetic to closeness and relationships with other people- I want these things so badly it hurts. I'm not innately antisocial I'm just so fucking nervous and uncomfortable all the time that it's incredibly difficult to behave socially.

Also, spd involves "difficulty with empathy" and "restricted range of emotions" neither of which apply to me. I do feel like my experience with empathy is abnormal but I most definitely do experience it, like, a lot, like crying over the experiences of people I've never met and breaking down over somebody else's doomed goats; and I know I have a sharp variety of emotions, I'll flip from feeling giddy with joy to feeling like life isn't worth living and while that's also not normal it definitely doesn't sound like a "restricted range" to me

Now, on a more positive note!

He did say I'm eligible for adhd meds and academic accommodations, which were the main things I was hoping to get out of this whole ordeal, so that's a major fucking relief

[fleetsparrow]

So, after seeing a post that mentioned how doctors will literally let patients die rather than treat them for other health problems while fat, I remembered I wanted to talk about this.

I have been trying to get top surgery for the past... 5 years? At least? In my area, there's only one doctor who does all the top surgeries for my insurance. For this entire time, I have been told that I must lose weight before I can get this done.

~~Backstory time~~

In late 2016, my bipolar developed psychotic symptoms (auditory hallucinations being the strongest). I was put on aripiprazole and stayed on it until about August of this year.

During the last part of 2016 through 2017, I went from about 135 pounds to 220 within months. Not a single doctor connected it to my new medication. Every one of them said it was my "eating habits" (I have struggled with disordered eating for years, even before this, but especially after) or my lack of activity. During this time, my fibro pain increased tremendously, though we finally did get it controlled. I could not walk without a cane for years. When we went to comic conventions, I had to use travel chairs or wheelchairs because walking for that long would cause severe pain. I couldn't walk from my bedroom down the hall to the living room without my hips seizing up.

But I was fat. So, you know, this was all my fault. 😑

(Note: I'm 5'1". I've always been on the small side of fat, and I recognize this. These are just my personal experiences.)

With a medication, I got most of my fibro pain under control. Between 2021 through now, I ended up at a very physically active job. My weight has been stable for years, but still "too high."

~~End backstory~~

In August, I changed anti-psychotics. Within two weeks, I lost about 4 pounds. This past Wednesday, I went for a weigh-in for my surgery, and I'm down to 198. The nurse congratulated me for this and said she'll let the doctor know so we can set the surgery date. My mom congratulated me for losing weight. My dad even is happy about this (I say "even" because we don't really talk if I can help it.)

The thing is, I have done nothing to lose weight. The only thing that changed is a medication.

I am livid. I am seething.

My mom is angry because not a single doctor listened to me when I said that I was gaining weight too quickly without anything changing. I guess I'm a bit miffed about that, but I'm used to not being listened to by doctors.

What I'm most upset about is the way people, including doctors, have treated me because I'm fat.

I have done so much self work on unlearning anti-fatness. I have advocated for myself, I have tried educating people, I have done my best to be as good to myself as I can, because I know nobody else will.

I am currently the fattest person in my office, and have been for years now. I'm also the only one who doesn't allow diet talk around me. I am exhausted.

I also still struggle with disordered eating all the time. I love food. I think food is a true joy and should be a joy for everyone. Yet, I still feel "guilty" for eating at all. I constantly deny myself food that I need to eat because I haven't "earned" it.

But every doctor thinks I overeat. Every nutritionist tells me to eat half of what little I already eat. Every single person explicitly or implicitly tells me I'm doing something wrong because I'm fat.

I am furious. I am tired of diminishing. I do not want to lose weight, yet I now am.

But everyone else? They're so proud of me.

I'm under 200 pounds, a weight I haven't seen in nearly 10 years.

I'm so tired.

I'm so stressed.

But most of all, I'm angry.