#all i am is a resource for ppl

[whoreishghost]

like how do i even articulate that no matter what i do and how hard i try its not getting better? i dont sleep rlly at all, maybe a 3 ish hours total on a good night given how often i wake up and how late i get to sleep. im not rlly eating either bc im never fucking hungry and everything feels idk Repulsive to even consider putting in my mouth even when i am. im in pain and it doesnt end no matter how gentle i am w myself. i am in a constant state of almost complete panic bc of how much i am having to manage in terms of admin and life issues bc those dont ever seem to end either. i havent been able to take my medication in almost a month bc of nhs incompetence and i Know its making me worse bc im so fucking irritable all the time. i feel so fucking existentially empty and devoid of purpose or meaning or justification for my existence. i am alive so that the like 7 ppl who only talk to me so i can get the hrt wont lose access. im only alive bc if im not itll be my fault if my wife dies and it doesnt matter if i wouldnt know it bc i was dead the thought, the guilt of it as a concept forces me to continue against every fucking screaming molecule of my body begging me to just fucking give up. im almost constantly overwhelmed by this feeling that is so completely indescribable that i dont even know where to begin to explain it to myself let alone to someone else. im in pain and its not just bc im overworked or burned out or whatever, the mental fucking suffering im forcing myself to endure every day so everyone else around me can be ok, can be happy, can thrive and do what they need feels like its fucking shredding my nerves and ripping through my flesh. and im fucking trying and no one fucking gets that. no amount of being told "the change comes from within" is going to do anything about the fact that this is as much as i can do this is as hard as i can try i have no more effort or energy than i am already forcing myself to keep using even when i feel like i am empty and there is nothing left for me to use to keep going. i do all the things i shld as much as i can. but the longer it goes on the harder it is for me to help myself and then i just get accused of "not trying hard enough to get better" as if i am not giving it my fucking all. u try spending every night alone, in pain, caught in spiraling obsession after spiraling obsession of ur own fucking inadequacy and failure and immorality. u try to manage the fucking effort of trying and trying and reaching out and begging for help and being so fucking explicit about how bad it is only to be told it cant be as bad u say or that its not bad enough for support but that even if it were ud be too damaged and unstable to access it. i feel like im dying, or more like, i feel like im fading, like soon there will be so little left of me of who i want to be who i put so much effort into being that even the fragments of damage that make up the core of who i am are coming apart and disintegrating. there is going to be nothing left and i feel like im watching myself slowly fucking evaporate and lose everything over and over again and vanish more and more from reality from existence from myself that it wont be much longer till theres nothing left to salvage. i try and tell myself its temporary. it wont last forever. i look at photos to remind myself when it wasnt this bad but i cant believe it i cant fucking trust that its true and even more than that i cant make myself understand that it can change, it can be that again. bc i know it cant. i know it at such a deep and intrinsic level of myself. and its not even like im gna kms. theres no point. what is left to kill?

[lotus-pear]

bsd fic authors i understand yalls pain SO well right now why is it so fucking HARD to write dazai. like i have a whole fucking spreadsheet dedicated to tireless analysis i have done on my part so i can accurately characterize him but he is such an unpredictable and morally gray character that it's hard knowing his limits and boundaries and where he draws the line for himself.

[puppyeared]

started stardew valley for the first time. born to remember villager likes and dislikes forced to immediately forget it the moment i take my eyes off thw wiki

[woundedearth]

kind of annoying that ppl are still so heavily promoting the ~daily clicks~ for palestine, which means ostensibly tens or hundreds of thousands of ppl have been participating in that campaign daily…….. and the only documentation i’ve seen is ppl proudly announcing it raised a grand total of like $300 dollars of ad revenue over 3 months? numbers like that coming out should be discrediting not encouraging tbh. i don’t want to diminish the ‘little things’ and i guess everyone needs hope to keep going with other activism but that is such an insultingly infinitesimally small number when escaping gaza costs $10k+ a person and millions of dollars are being crowdfunded elsewhere. i just…. genuinely don’t think US americans should feel good patting themselves on the back for doing nothing

[reanimatedgh0ul]

because i've seen that there are some dp artists that struggle with how to draw fat ppl i'm now going to share some sources that i have found that i think could help other ppl out

#1 tutorial

#2 tutorial

#3 tutorial

#4 tutorial

#5 tutorial

a link to how you can access morpho: anatomy for artists (fat and skin folds) for free

lastly this website is also another great reference source but you will have to request permission by the ppl in charge of it in order to gain access first as it's protected

this should be a good starting point and i encourage y'all continue to seek out other sources where you can👍

[fisheito]

Started playing NuCarni 2 weeks ago it's so fun i love everything. But I wanna know is there any way to access past event stories??? I wanna read them and learn more abt the characters but obviously bc I wasn't there for them they're. Locked. And I can't read em. Idk man I've been an enstarrie for 4 yrs and counting so I'm used to every event or scout story being available somewhere on the internet so I can binge read to my hearts content so maybe I'm just being silly rn but I can't find anything so I'm asking u (bc ur blog makes u seem like a nucarnival god tbh praise be)

2 weeks ago!!! wow!! welcome to this pit of eternal suffering!!!!!! (i'm actually having quite a nice time don't tell anybody)

i bet my followers know more about nucarni than i do AHAHA (pls chime in if yall want!!)

i have no helpful advice... because any events i DID miss when i started playing (White Storm/Zest of Life)? i was still playing when the reruns happened the following year so ...i got em... thru accidental waiting......yeah.... sorryy..........

[twinknote]

managed to eat some sad excuse for a breakfast even though i did Not feel like it

[bladesoflightandshadow]

is it an unpopular oppie (cute way of saying opinion) to think that stories with only 1 or 2 gender customisable LIs is kind of the way to go moving forward for choices 🧍

like the main issue ppl have been having seems to be the quality of the books n their subject matter, n the quantity of LIs won't fix that? back when it WAS the norm to have 3+ LIs per book every non-whiteman LI would get sidelined and treated like shit by the plot. at least now when the plot railroads you into spending more time w one LI u can choose their gender/appearance, and it's easier to split screentime equally between 2 LIs compared to for example 4

plus limiting it to less LIs allows the story more time to flesh out characters n ur relationships w them. it's easier to incoprorate LIs into the plot n make them important + impactful when there's less of them

OBVIOUSLY none of this is ideal and their whole business model is a bit garbáge, these are simply my thoughts !

[lucky-clover-gazette]

i have the type of adhd that makes me try aggressively harder until it consumes me when it’s extremely difficult to acquire medication, instead of giving up because phone calls scary

[bunnyboy-juice]

blah blah blah blah blah

[bbael]

Oh I just remembered that very early during the pandemic or a little before idk I had a dream on which I was living on a beach town and working as a teacher and I looked very different (long dark hair, prettier, just more mature, normie & put together in general ?) and when I woke up was like haha that's never going to happen, I could never work at a school or get out of the gastronomic system, I'm doing this for life + moving out is impossible anyway with my salary. And now... 5 years later (that felt like much less??) I'm doing (nearly) all that :|

[fuwaprince]

...

[aropride]

like what the fuck am i supposed to do

[ouroboobos]

A lot of of (primarily white) grown adults hide their complacency and complicitness behind the schtick of "I'm sorrrryyyyy its just because I'm so anxious and smol wahhh I'm so pathetic I'm such a pushover I'm so dumb" to try and keep you from holding them accountable but it's time to stop coddling them and just be like yeah you are pathetic and stupid.

[pepprs]

awesome so today we (my colleague besties and me) were potentially exposed to covid by two different people we spent the morning with because nobody gives a fuck anymore and we’re all going to get sick and die. awesome! i love being alive in fall 2023 when nobody gives a single shit about covid anymore and this nightmare country has apparently decided to move on even though the danger has not subsided and arguably has increased and we no longer have access to resources or information to keep ourselves and each other safe. fuck the world

[swordformike]

i hate the mentality that not being very vocal about something = not caring at all and you are Evil