#i wish i didnt feel such overwhelming guilt

[whoreishghost]

like how do i even articulate that no matter what i do and how hard i try its not getting better? i dont sleep rlly at all, maybe a 3 ish hours total on a good night given how often i wake up and how late i get to sleep. im not rlly eating either bc im never fucking hungry and everything feels idk Repulsive to even consider putting in my mouth even when i am. im in pain and it doesnt end no matter how gentle i am w myself. i am in a constant state of almost complete panic bc of how much i am having to manage in terms of admin and life issues bc those dont ever seem to end either. i havent been able to take my medication in almost a month bc of nhs incompetence and i Know its making me worse bc im so fucking irritable all the time. i feel so fucking existentially empty and devoid of purpose or meaning or justification for my existence. i am alive so that the like 7 ppl who only talk to me so i can get the hrt wont lose access. im only alive bc if im not itll be my fault if my wife dies and it doesnt matter if i wouldnt know it bc i was dead the thought, the guilt of it as a concept forces me to continue against every fucking screaming molecule of my body begging me to just fucking give up. im almost constantly overwhelmed by this feeling that is so completely indescribable that i dont even know where to begin to explain it to myself let alone to someone else. im in pain and its not just bc im overworked or burned out or whatever, the mental fucking suffering im forcing myself to endure every day so everyone else around me can be ok, can be happy, can thrive and do what they need feels like its fucking shredding my nerves and ripping through my flesh. and im fucking trying and no one fucking gets that. no amount of being told "the change comes from within" is going to do anything about the fact that this is as much as i can do this is as hard as i can try i have no more effort or energy than i am already forcing myself to keep using even when i feel like i am empty and there is nothing left for me to use to keep going. i do all the things i shld as much as i can. but the longer it goes on the harder it is for me to help myself and then i just get accused of "not trying hard enough to get better" as if i am not giving it my fucking all. u try spending every night alone, in pain, caught in spiraling obsession after spiraling obsession of ur own fucking inadequacy and failure and immorality. u try to manage the fucking effort of trying and trying and reaching out and begging for help and being so fucking explicit about how bad it is only to be told it cant be as bad u say or that its not bad enough for support but that even if it were ud be too damaged and unstable to access it. i feel like im dying, or more like, i feel like im fading, like soon there will be so little left of me of who i want to be who i put so much effort into being that even the fragments of damage that make up the core of who i am are coming apart and disintegrating. there is going to be nothing left and i feel like im watching myself slowly fucking evaporate and lose everything over and over again and vanish more and more from reality from existence from myself that it wont be much longer till theres nothing left to salvage. i try and tell myself its temporary. it wont last forever. i look at photos to remind myself when it wasnt this bad but i cant believe it i cant fucking trust that its true and even more than that i cant make myself understand that it can change, it can be that again. bc i know it cant. i know it at such a deep and intrinsic level of myself. and its not even like im gna kms. theres no point. what is left to kill?

[umbreonix]

I didnt realize you have a tumblr thats amazing!! I just wanted to say beating about the bush is one of my most favorite fics ever and thank you for writing it!!!! I reread it constantly and the writing is soooooo funny and i think that fic is what truly got me into revalink. Ince again, ty for writing and if you ever continue it i can die happy

THANK YOU SO MUCH I'M SO SORRY I'VE BEEN SO LATE AT REPLYING. T_T ao3 and tumblr messages all mean a ton to me but then I get so paralyzed at responding because I wanna craft the perfect reply that expresses how thankful I am that you took time out of your day to tell me you liked something I made T_T Especially when people tell me they REGUALRILY REREAD MY STUFF??? THAT'S SO COOL AND HUMBLING. My ao3 inbox is sitting at 343 comments though and I'm overwhelmed and ridden with guilt that I snubbed people with my perfectionist procrastination at crafting 'the perfect reply' when any reply is better than none. I will try to at least be much faster if not instantanous about tumblr inbox messages though! I'm actually really interested in rejoining revalink fandom and I want to... idk feel like I have a relationship with you all, (revalink producers, consumers, enjoyers, EVERYONE. If you are reading this and like revalink I mean YOU) I'm rambling XD I'm so excited to be off twitter and somewhere where I can type without word limits that I am ABUSING IT. Anywhoo yeah! I've been having a LOT of beating about the bush and youtubers au thoughts recently. I think about them every night when I go to bed. I really want to get back into writing BATB but I'm so rusty, but I have serious plans to!

BATB was always very special to me because I usually try to write stuff I think people 'want to read' but BATB was something that started off being 'I'm doing this for me. I'm not holding myself to standards of quality, I'm just going to have fun' and then people ended up really vibing with it!

It was definitely also my 'wish fufillment fic' Escapism into a small town surrounded by nature, being friends with all your neighbours that are so close you can just walk over to their house. I'm a geoscientist and I LOVE feildwork. A lot of my friends go off every summer in small Revali-type private planes to work in the Northern Canadian wilderness and I'm GREEN with envy so a bit of that is in there too fkjgn.

PLUS REVALI's ACREAGE. UG. My prof had an acreage he filled with all of his favourite things. a house for cats, a house for dogs, a-barn-renovated-into-a-home-gym. I thought 'that is the LIFE' and immediately took inspo giving revali an acreage to fill with all his fav things.

so tl:dr uh.. THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE YOU. AND I HOPE TO UPDATE EVENTUALLY! WHOOT!

[tmwcs]

hi reina my love,

im so sorry I went inactive for two days I was super busy and just couldnt cope and keep up with everything going on in my life right now and rarely had time to open my phone. But I promise that i’ll always try to make it up to you whether it be this week or in the next days.

I cant forgive myself knowing I didnt greet you on your birthday!!!! oh my lord…I will forever be guilted by this…well in that case here’s a letter I made hehe <33

Dear Reina,

I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for your presence in my life. Even though we haven't met in person, you have become such an important part of my daily routine. Our conversations, shared thoughts, and laughs have become my solace in times of stress and my celebration in times of joy.

I appreciate your willingness to listen, your kind words, and your willingness to share your own experiences. You have provided me with a sounding board, a cheerleader, and a confidante. Knowing that you are just a message away gives me such comfort and peace. You are such an incredibly talented and beautiful person and though I haven’t seen your face, I know your gorgeous inside and out. Talking to you, reading your writings, and sending my reactions to you knowing I was able to make you smile is and always will ne the highlight of my day.

I feel incredibly lucky to have you as my best friend. Im not sure if you know this but, you truly have made a positive impact on my life, and I hope that I have done the same for you. I look forward to continuing our journey together, sharing more laughs, and making more memories.

Thank you for being such an amazing friend.

I wish you the happiest birthday ever!!!!! you deserve everything and more. I love you always.

With so much love,

Nik

oh my girl! dont worry about the bday, i purposely left it out bc i get too overwhelmed by letting ppl know about my birthdate lol. i'm so glad to hear back from you, i know you've been busy. hows ballet practice?

and i just want to say that your message, along with @iamliacamila , @heeshees , @moonmoongi and my Em anon and everyone else that have sent me bday wishes and heartfelt messages, i love you all. these messages make my day and make life truly worth living for. i love that i am able to bring you guys joy and content within this blog, and allow your minds to escape reality, I'm a firm believer that we need to be a little delulu to keep ourselves sane lol. but i am so happy that i made this blog to connect and make friends, which was something i was lacking bc i just never really had the opportunity to make a whole lot in person. but this is way better if you ask me lol. to think that it all started from my friend who stans enhypen, and convinced me to make this blog and turn my fics into heeseung fics lol. ofc i had to pick her brain and have her educate me on who the hell enhypen was, and still, there are some days that i have to hit her up for some new photos or information to reflect in the fics, but i'm glad that i know about them solely bc i get to meet and become friends with you and everyone else. <3

this photo is something i'm vibing to rn bc i have a big cheese eating grin on my face lol.

[itwasshrinkage]

greed shame guilt

How do I start,

How do I not use my own perspective,

How can I understand how I make someone like you feel

How can I apologize for something that I could not fully understand

I guess it began when I first wanted you. it was a want. It wasnt mature. It was selfish. It was greed

I never was able to evolve past that when we were together. I took the ideas and concepts that was given to me from the media of how I should treat you.

It was tender, it was a crush, it was puppy love. I wish we could treat each other like that again, without the burden of my ugly nature.

I was never able to treat you correctly or with the respect that I would want you to be treated with.

After the years apart, I could only hope that was what was being done to you. Hopefully someone could make you happy. Hopefully someone could provide the respect that another deserves.

After all the time of calling you my other half, how could I treat you so badly. Now I can take those words and finally understand a bit more. I may be selfish and greedy, so how could I treat my own other half the way I would never want to be treated?

It doesnt make that much sense when I think of it.

At one time I thought I could provide and give the treatment that you would deserve, but even after years of life experience I can see I still havent garnered the qualities it would take to supplement another.

I lacked anything that would be able to provide for others. I take. I dont have anything to give.

As soon as Ive gotten mine, I turn my back and find the satiated feeling to find sleep. All the while you sat there and wondered when you would be given your respect.

I think at that age it just came down to the overwhelming feelings of lust and crush. It wasnt love because I wasnt able to make a two way relationship. It was only me and my own wants.

Im sorry for not realizing earlier, Im sorry for not realizing your perspective on the moments that I was not ready to give myself over to you.

I was controlling and only had my own interests in mind.

I didnt know how to make myself happy so why did I lie to you and myself thinking I could also make you happy. Im still unhappy with myself, where Im at in life, and the way I treat others.

Im sorry.

I reached out to you first and that should tell you exactly how much you mean to me. It should tell you exactly how much you mean to me when you were suppose to be the last person I should reach out to under the circumstances. Both my parents and friends asked why you were involved at any point recently. I lied. I didnt know what else to do or say.

BUt you were the only person I would truly wish would still be there for me even after how badly I treated you.

And its not because I knew you would be there but because I had hoped you would because of the moments that we spent together and how much they meant to us and how they developed us.

Im sorry I again damaged you, I damaged us, with the emotions I brought from elsewhere.

I needed someone to be there for me and support me. You are strong, stable, and successful and yet I still bring my toxic traits to you first.

Im sorry

I need to apologize as well for the orignal act of cheating on you as well. I was greedy. I was gross with want. I was upset with myself and the things I wanted. Im still disgusted with myself.

I wish I could do anything possible to heal you. But here I am apologizing to others and making you feel again left behind. Almost like Im willing to do so much for others but not for you. At times you must feel that I care for so many others and not you. I can see that by the many actions I continue to put upon you.

I wish I could be better for myself but most of all I wish I could be better for you.

Youve made so much progress and I fear that I again just take from you and destroy the steps youve taken to a healthy lifestyle and healthy state of mind because those are the things I myself want.

Theres too many instances that I can no longer remember that Im ashamed of how I treated you. Theres too many instances that Ive hidden from myself because of how they make me disgusted with myself. Theres too many instances to apologize for to even think that they would mean much to you.

Im afraid of losing you forever. I seem to act so despereate and promise anything, when deep down I know ill never be able to uphold the things I say to you.

I seem to think of myself as a good person, when thats not the case at all. I sit here thinking of why such awful things and feelings I have brought upon myself should happen to such a nice person. But I know deep down that Im not that. Im not good. I have nothing to give to others. I have nothing that others would want.

Maybe thats also whats bringing me down so badly. I not only lie to you, the person that means the most to me but also myself. Which continues to lead me even further down this path of misery.

I deserve it and ill try my best to ride the waves that I brought upon myself. Im sorry I brought you along now for part of my experience.

Im sorry that I continue to disrepect you. Im sorry I continue to treat you so badly.

Maybe at some time or another Ill be able to do something for you and allow you to experience the respect and feelings you deserve.

I know I still want our relationship to be there for both of us. I just want to have something for you to benefit from.

I need to change. I need to be better for you. I need to finally allow you to be treated with true respect. I need to feel the actions that were dealt upon me to finally understand the many ways Ive hurt you.

I need to stop thinking of myself and start giving more to you than to my ego.

I need to stop feeling bad for myself and think of the ways Ive made you feel instead.

I hope it doesnt take as long as I would expect it to for such an awful person I am.

Im sorry.

[snacho-to-ur-nacho]

4p🦜

this is for infinity alchemist tho its just practice (and im incredibly jet lagged and been up all night so its pretty bad)

Ramsay glanced between ash and callum, in the spare bedroom of the house they were staying as he slowly healed and they could find a path to house Lune. Ash and Callum were clearly watching him, even though they both tried to hide it. Ramsay's wound still ached more than anything, but he ignored it, impatient with it.

"Ramsay-" Callum started

"Dont." ramsay stopped him. The aprentice could not take another apology from him. he could tell Callum was sincere, but everything was too overwhelming already, and he was too emotionslly exhausted to deal with it.

"Ramsay, maybe hear him out." Ash said, gentle but with a firm undertone.

"No. I dont want to be anywhere near him." Ramsay glared, noticing Callums energy showing some hurt. Ramsay felt a twinge of guilt, but pushed it away. Source- why was he guilty? Callum had done much worse. Ramday knew now that Callum did it because of his father's abuse, and it did worry ramsay of all that Callum said, but he didnt want to trust Callum again. Atleast not just yet. "Just stay away from me."

"Ramsay, you can't be like that to Callum- he sacrificed a lot for you, you know that, right?" Ash reminded, a bit sterner

Ramsay didn't have an answer for that.

"I truly am sorry, Ramsay. i wouldnt have given up all i did if i wasnt." Callum said softly "but i gave it up for you, and i'll do it all again, because-"

"Callum, please." Ramsay said "...I just need time."

There was silence in the room for a moment, Callum cleaning up a rabit he found, preparing to cook it, cutting it into smaller pieces, though his mind was still on Ramsay. Creator, he really was sorry, wishing he could turn back time. His mind too busy to be fully aware of where he was cutting the rabit and he accidentally nicked off a bit of his finger, hissing suddenly with the pain, getting both Ash's and Ramsay's attention.

"Are you alright?" Ash asked, quickly going to him to see the cut

"Im- fine." callum siad, breathing in slowly, the wound didnt hurt too bad, but had drawn a bit of blood. Ash bandaged it slowly, sitting across from him on the bed, trying to be gentle, their hands lingering in the tenderness of the moment, pausing and holding eachother's gaze, forgetting Ramsay was there.

Ramsay watched, suddenly feeling a pit in his stomach as he read their energies. They weren't just friends- and they both had known it for a while. Suddenly, it felt hard to breathe, like he was drowning, eyes widened. And it all started making sense- why ash trusted callum, why he was always on callum's side-

which meant either of two things-

Callum was playing ash too- but energy doesnt lie

or-

Ash had been playing ramsay.

Ramsay could have sworn the energy he detected from ash had been sincere but- callums had also been sincere until that day, hadnt he? was this all a joke- of course, ash had been playing a prank- and probably callum too-

just the thought sent waves of pain and betrayal through him, getting both ash and callum's attention. but he quickly wiped wmotion from his face, and stonily asked "just how close are you two now?" trying not to let any of his emotiond be seen.

there was a moment of hesitation, both ash and callum glanced at eachother and hesitated

their silence said more than words ever could

Ramsay felt the aur being knocked out of his lungs.

"Ash, you said- You promised-" ramsay said "was this all a joke to you? a prank of sorts- of course!" ramsay laughed, but more one out alof anger and pain than humor

"Ramsay, its not like that-" Ash said but ramsay intuurpted him

"not like that?! then go on. what is it like?" ramsay snapped

Ash was silent, not knowing how to explain jt

"i thought so." ramsay said, turning away

"Ramsay, I care for you too-" Ash said quickly sensing ramsays disdain and hurt

"no, you dont. if uou did, you wouldnt be screwing Callum Kendrick." Ramsay said

"okay, but to be fair we never said we were exclusive-" ash said, but even he knew what a wrak argument that was.

Ramsay turned away "right. unbelievable. i waited for so long for you- 'exclusive'-" he seemed too overwhelmed witb emotions to be able to finish his sentanve. Of course ash hadnt wanted to be exclusive with him- who would?

"Ramsay, stop. You know how much I- we care for you-" Ash said

"No, i dont!" ramsay exclaimed, feeling pain and anger at ash, callum-

and at himself, for daring to hope he could be loved.

"Ramsay-" callum said, but ramsay couldnt take this torrent of emotions, not even being able to look them in the eyes, the two people he loved- why did he think this would work out? he stormed out, angry at everything including himself, and the tears which had started to well in hsi eyes. He wouldnt let them see him cry, he turned away and walked into the forest, quickly walking deep into the woods, ignoring both of them calling his name as he left.

he walked through, quickly, not jnowing where he was going, till he found a stream where he finally collapsed. he stayed there for source knew how long, no one there excpet the pigeons watching him from the trees.

⋆˚࿔ build-a-fic 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

➴ chose a line of dialogue, an emotion and a setting (a number, letter, + a creature), and write/request to your heart’s content!

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ a piece of dialogue

꒰ 1 ꒱ “i can’t fucking believe this.”

꒰ 2 ꒱ “what they said back there. is it true?”

꒰ 3 ꒱ “it’s not safe here anymore- we need to leave. now!”

꒰ 4 ꒱ “you know how much i care about you.”

꒰ 5 ꒱ “they’re never going to hurt you again.”

꒰ 6 ꒱ “here, let’s get you warmed up.”

꒰ 7 ꒱ “i didn’t do it. please, you have to believe me!”

꒰ 8 ꒱ “i’m taking you home, and that’s that.”

꒰ 9 ꒱ “do you trust me?”

꒰ 10 ꒱ “i can’t sleep either. mind if i join you?”

꒰ 11 ꒱ “you’re not your worst mistake.”

꒰ 12 ꒱ “try and eat, if you can. it’ll make you feel better.”

꒰ 13 ꒱ “i say this with all the love in my heart, but you look like shit.”

꒰ 14 ꒱ “they’re going to surround us. we need to get ready.”

꒰ 15 ꒱ “i need you to leave.”

꒰ 16 ꒱ “we can’t be seen together like this. not anymore.”

꒰ 17 ꒱ “it’s dangerous. i need you to know that before you agree.”

꒰ 18 ꒱ “it’s just one night- surely sharing a bed for that long won’t kill us.”

꒰ 19 ꒱ “it’s getting dark, we should think about heading back.”

꒰ 20 ꒱ “what have i told you about coming here?!”

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ an emotion

꒰ A ꒱ disdain

꒰ B ꒱ grief

꒰ C ꒱ ecstasy

꒰ D ꒱ disbelief

꒰ E ꒱ anxiety

꒰ F ꒱ contentment

꒰ G ꒱ drunkenness

꒰ H ꒱ enjoyment

꒰ I ꒱ confusion

꒰ J ꒱ fear

꒰ K ꒱ hunger

꒰ L ꒱ relief

꒰ M ꒱ distrust

꒰ N ꒱ fondness

꒰ O ꒱ delight

꒰ P ꒱ hurt

꒰ Q ꒱ love

꒰ R ꒱ sickness

꒰ S ꒱ exhaustion

꒰ T ꒱ betrayal

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ a setting

꒰ 𓆉 ꒱ the corner bed in a hospital ward

꒰ 𓅨 ꒱ a spare bedroom

꒰ 𓆣 ꒱ an alleyway behind a dive bar

꒰ 𓃰 ꒱ a mountainside shrouded in fog

꒰ 𓃗 ꒱ a skeevy motel just off the highway

꒰ 𓃱 ꒱ a barren industrial plant in the middle of nowhere

꒰ 𓃟 ꒱ the lush, indulgent foyer of a member’s only club

꒰ 𓆟 ꒱ the war room of a military blacksite

꒰ 𓆈 ꒱ the produce aisle of a 24/7 supermarket

꒰ 𓅫 ꒱ the bedside of someone who doesn’t want you there

꒰ 𓅟 ꒱ the walk-in fridge of a failing restaurant

꒰ 𓃵 ꒱ a rickety old barn’s hayloft

꒰ 𓃓 ꒱ at work, far later than you should be

꒰ 𓆌 ꒱ a stranger’s bed at dawn

꒰ 𓆏 ꒱ an airplane hanger

꒰ 𓅭 ꒱ a medical bay that stinks of antiseptic and fear

꒰ 𓆗 ꒱ the kitchen of a derelict house

꒰ 𓃢 ꒱ the dressing room of a luxury department store

꒰ 𓆧 ꒱ the place where grassy plains meet desert dunes

꒰ 𓃔 ꒱ a beach at low tide

[neevblanc]

(this was all a tiktok DM convo I had with my friend 😭)

tiktok that started this ➡️ https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8h6CU21/

(bkdk angst after the cut <3 it’s not formatted at all and messy cuz…dms…)

I’m going to disintegrate and die!!!/pos

I HATE playing with this concept.

Because it’s too goddamn realistic.

The fact that they are queer men has irreversibly changed their dynamic. Them being two men makes things so different and so much more complicated.

And I think it’s one of the reasons why I hate hate HATE gender bending for no reason other than “I felt like it.”

Because it takes away so much nuance. It WOULD be easier if one of them was a girl.

Bakugou would have noticed how pretty Izuku’s eyes and freckles were just a little earlier, with less of an ache in his chest. Izuku would have noticed just how /cute/ the scrunch in Katsuki’s nose when she got mad, and wouldn’t have had to deal with the overwhelming feeling of a monster gnawing at his stomach afterward.

Their is so much GUILT and almost shame intertwined in their dynamic and it makes it so important.

ITS SO IMPORTANT!!!! That trend where it’s like, “X would be fine with loving a boy if it weren’t B, and B would be fine with loving A if it wasn’t a boy.” But I think the first one applies to them much more.

it takes away so much of the complexity of their dynamic. Of having to fight past not just their past but then having to face the fear in themselves and knowing that they could very well lose family and friends over who they loved.

Despite the fact that it had always been just them, just those two. Just Kacchan and Deku.

One simple little factor of being queer and suddenly everything feels…dirtier. Holding hands is not childish anymore. Pressing together while talking isn’t the same as it was when they were 5 and huddled together under Kacchan’s dining table.

Now it has more meaning— less because they are older, and more because they are boys (not men. Never men).

So when Izuku admits to Ochako one night, under the cover of darkness and the few stars that were bright enough to break through the city smog — “Kacchan…is everything. He always has been.” — it hurts. It hurts more than he wants it too, more than he cares to admit

Ochako's eyes narrow, and he’s afraid, if only for a moment. But she puts a hand on his back, soothing.

“I know, Deku.”

And he can’t help the way his eyes well with tears, and he is filled with a shame greater than any god sent to cast him away from man.

Ochako can only watch her friend crumble and ponder how cruel it was to love so deeply and know you will never be free of the shame that comes with it. Izuku is a crier, but then, sitting next to her, he cries like a little kid. It jostles his body with tremors and leaves him breathless.

She wishes for a moment that one of them was a girl, if not only to save him from the pain that pours out of every fiber of his being.

She takes it back when the sobs become choked, Midoriya struggling to breathe. She guides him through the exercises they were taught for first aid diligently, and with his scarred palm pressed against her chest she takes it back. Because she knows when this over, when he can breathe properly and stand on his own, he will wipe his puffy eyes, hug her goodnight, and still love Katsuki with his whole being.

The boy in front of her will mourn, never knowing the lightness that comes with love but will choose to love anyway. He will choose him, time and time again, over the safety that so many others feel when they fall in love.

She can only hope they will be proven wrong one day. That they will love and feel none of the shame that had been taught. Midoriya will no longer feel guilt over never giving his mother someone to pass her old wedding dress down to, and Bakugou will not retreat into himself when he feels his body relax at the first contact between his and Midoriya’s hands.

In the meantime, she helps Izuku onto his feet and up to his dorm, even though hers is two floors down and on the opposite side. He hugs her goodnight, body pliant when she pushes him into bed and leaves him to sleep off the migraine he had most certainly developed.

When she succumbs to sleep in her own bed, she will let go of his shame and leave him to bear it on his own once again, and Ochako will have to live with the fact that she will never be able to take it from either of them no matter how much she wanted to.

She will resign herself to watching them love in secret and in pain. and deal with her own shame, for not being able to save them. When their friends tease the boys she will laugh and remind them gently that they’ve always been like that, even before UA. And though they are surrounded by gentle smiles and teasing laughter, she and a select few will know they are wallowing in an amount of shame none of them could ever truly fathom.

Because they were both boys. What a cruel fate.

note —

This is all to say I don’t hate genderbends completely. They’re for fun, just like any other AU. It just feels like sometimes it’s used as a bit of an easy solution for so much of the tension between bkdk.

or maybe im dumb. that too. :p

regardless, i cant ever escape the bkdk angst that runs through my veins ¯_(ツ)_/¯ (snuck in bestfriend!ochako cuz she is important to me regardless of whether or not she's connected to these two lol) (this also sorta ignores the universes where the MHA/BNHA timeline has kind of mostly moved past homophobia in the way we are used to seeing IRL.)

okok im done with notes BYEEEEE <3333

[mardoufox21111]

tired over it a bit. trying to live in the present been doing that sort of well haha. i feel a nice feeling when i do its like a weight is lifted off me. waiting on stupid colleague to give me a reference so i can get a job. last time i use her. prob will lose out on the job if she doesnt do it tonight - very frustrating. been writing a bit, trying. dont think the script is good enough for a win but you never know. will maybe change direction next week - want to nut it out to see how it goes first. want to sleep and swim and just relax, have this overwhelming feeling of guilt and dread that casts over me a lot. realise that’s d’s influence. she will be home until sunday from tomorrow. scary. been really hot, quite hot today. sweaty now ha. wonder how you get to a place where you feel okay. like where you dont have that feeling over you all the time. wish i had a normal upbringing. writing this script has been coming easy for the hard hitting parts - its all just d. kind of sad. i didnt realise its her and thought it was harsh but then i realise its all things shes said to me or done to me. would be really nice to just feel calm or calmer be able to take your time talking. feels like i have to rush everything all the time, probably because im scared ill get repercussions if i dont. 

[yb-cringe]

Theres something a little heartbreaking in seeing Tubbo go from “no no i wouldnt do sub only chat??? what? I wouldnt do that!” To him joking about how making his problems go away is by making chat subscriber only

[tater-th0t13]

This story is too long to put in the tags.

The only catholic camp experience I had was in 8th grade. For context, this is a group of 36 8th graders at a private catholic school, who a good majority of us had known each other and been in every grade together since kindergarten. And if you didn’t already know, this is the kind of school that doesn’t mingle grades or kids; if it was time to go to the gym for PE all 36 of us 8th graders went as a class, no 7th or 6th graders. So you can imagine that by the time you’re in 8th grade and you’ve dealt with most of your classmates for 8 years prior with no hope of new classmates until highschool, you get very testy with each other.

So the year is 2012 and the big 5-day trip to Yosemite is cancelled because there was disease spreading in the rat population or something, and the national park was closed. As a compromise, we were sent to the same camp that the 6th graders go to, which is a CYO (christian youth org) camp, which you went for 3 days. We spent the 5 days at this camp.

Now I personally don’t think this camp was trying deliberately to sleep deprive us, but the natural order of putting 8 kids to a cabin (with 2 adults) naturally leads to sleepless nights either due to unfamiliarity, uncomfortable beds, and the antics of being 13 surrounded by other 13 year olds. Plus a wake up call of 7am. By the final night we were put through hikes and team trust challenges… I’m not sure if the teacher had specifically told the camp that all of us were tired of each other, but they were really pushing the “team-trust-family” vibes.

So we reach the second to last night, and they sit us all in a circle facing out with our backs to the center. I’m trying to remember the 5 questions… but in groups of 5 at a time, they would anonymously ask us to stand up and go to the center of the circle, and tap people who applied to the question.

They were something like “Tap the people who you wish you could be more like” or “Tap the people who you want to spend more time with” I really don’t remember 3 of the 5, but the two that I will always remember were “Tap the people who you’ve hurt” and “Tap the people who have hurt you”

I will always have the extremely vivid memory of sitting with my eyes closed facing away from the center and feeling someone digging their finger into my shoulder so hard when it was their turn to tap people who hurt them. And I myself tapped a little harder on people I meant it more emphatically towards when it was my turn. And just never getting to know who apparently liked or loathed me. Just the knot in my stomach and in my shoulder.

When I say that people were sobbing, I mean people were s-o-b-b-i-n-g. Myself included. We were left to hug and cry and vaguely reflect without any real guidance about the emotions we were just forced to experience. Never told us that we maybe should have a private exchange or to apologize to someone we hurt. Just,….feel. Feel this overwhelming amount of guilt and love and shame and appreciation for this fucked up “family” and then go back to bed and go back to bed and have the last full day of camp tomorrow…

Where at the end they ask us to pass the speaking stone or whatever the fuck and share your 3 favorite memories you’ve had with your class. And let me tell you people cried all over again. The trauma bonding and exhaustion that we had all shared blinded us to how much we really didnt stand each other, in that way where suffering is noble and necessary for appreciation in classic catholic fashion. “Sure we may not always get along but we’re family!!!!” mentality was at its peak.

It was maybe a week after getting back to school that we all went right back to being outwardly vitriolic and cliquey after having that glow of just having had a spiritual group experience.

i was thinking about the sleep deprivation thing that cults do and something i completely forgot about with regards to that conversation is that the sleep needs of children/teens are different to adults. it's a range as most things are, but when it comes to sleep you HAVE to go based off the biggest number to ensure everyone gets proper sleep because you cannot function properly without proper sleep

so, if you were a teenager who went to church camps and they allowed for less than 10 hours of sleep, or if you were a kid (6-12) and they allowed for less than 12 hours of sleep, you very well may have been sleep deprived, either intentionally or unintentionally

and as a little bonus: adults tend to respond to sleep deprivation with tiredness, but kids tend to respond with hyperactivity, and even one night of sleep deprivation can affect someone

[jamesvanriemsdyk]

...

[lemondoddle]

.

[aeferkssr]

dumb conversations, we lose track of time. - playlist

CHARACTERS. the vigilant yaksha, the balladeer, the chalk prince

WARNINGS. emotional neglect (x), fake dating (s), scaramouche is a dick

SYPNOSIS. they tried their best to show you that they cared, that they did love you. but you wanted more

NOTES. "cianna ely comeback collab🤔🤔" "YESSS" omg yall its the long awaited collab with @elychee !!! this collab is basically a lyric prompt thing hut we stiched our specialties (mine being tooth-rotting fluff and theirs being angst)

XIAO

if you'd ask me, i would say that dating - or even falking in love - with xiao was a bad idea. he looks so emotionally distant, c9nstantly in hisbown head and just not ready to be in an intimate relationship.

however, what i didn't know is that xiao felt the same way about you that you did of him. he longed for your prescence, and even went out of his way to watch you as you went home in the days. to "protect" you from any dangers he says, but you know why

and if he loved you so much, if he was so enamoured with you, why is he so distant? you barely see him in the days and almost never in the nights. he comes to you as a form of consolation, but is that all you are to him?

youre truly flattered at the fact that he trusts you enough to be vulnurable, but thats all he seeks you out for. as his lover, you wanted more. since you were the one always comforting, you didn't know what it was like to be conforted in this relationship.

and you wouldnt dare to bring up your concerns while xiao's karmatic debt is consuming him whole, that would be insensitive.

when you had have enough of his emotional neglect and broke off the relationship, xiao was comsumed with extreme guilt. he started to blame himself, how dare he not notice that you were feeling this way.

as you were leaving, he stretched his hand out towards you but no words came out, you didnt even know that he tried to call out to you. the farther you walked, and the weaker your prescence got, the more overwhelming his karmic debt got.

the only thing he could do was whisper your name before falling unconcious, hoping that the wind would carry his cry along with it.

ALBEDO

the alchemist sighs as he subconciusly fills his notebook with more sketches. the sketches were differnet angles of you doing different things: smiling, laughing and even eating. brushstroke by brushstroke he captures your beauty on paper and wishes you were there to comment on it.

you never really saw thw multitude of sketches he has done for you during your time togther so he desnt really know jow you'd react to it.

maybe you would havw stars in your eyes as you vocally praised him for being such an amazing and talented artist. littering kisses all over his face as a thank you.

or maybe you were on the shyer type when receiving compliments, hiding behind your hair or hands while your face flushes with a bright pink.

now that he thinks more on this, he never really complimented you, or avknowledge your prescence in the first place. the most he would do is to nod his head into acknowledgement of what you were saying.

he could guess that you thought he wasn't listening but you were wrong, he listened. he listenend to every word that came out of that pretty littlw mouth of yours. even the words that ended what you two had, a relationship. a relationship that has been broken down into hundreds of thousands of particles.

he snaps out of his day dream as he looks at all the sketches of you he had done. signing, he tears the page out of his notebook into the trash. relationships were quite troublesome anyways.

SCARAMOUCHE

of all the harbringers who would be in a relationship, scaramouche was universally agreed to be the least likely.

just look at him, constantly shouting at his colleagues, subordinated and even cussing off the tsaritsa herself when hes not in shneznaya. what makes you think he would be fit for a romantic relationship?

scaramouche heard this and decided to prove them all wrong. and who better to date than one of his underlings subbordinates. you have always been a little too eager to follow his orders and you had this dumb smile on your face whenever you would walk into his office.

when he summoned you into his office and proposed the idea, he could see your eyes light up at the idea of dating. fake dating he stresses, but you defend yourawlf by explaining how fake dating is dating nonetheless.

not even a month into the relationship and this has to be the lowest you've ever been in your life. everyday was a new headache, either it was the constajt shouting at you for doing thw slightest thing wrong or from dehydration of you crying so hard.

the feelings you once harboured for his went away as soon as they came. you knew he was mean, but you didn't realize he started to harbour feelings of his own.

when he thinks about the fact on how or even when he started to feel this way he can't pinpoint the exact time but he would always comment on how pretty you looked when you cried.

but scaramouche would rather die than compliment you, so he made you cry even more. degrading comment after degrading comment and eveeytimw yoyr eyes started to gloss he would have a small smile on his face, admiring you.

with the month gone, so were you. within the same week of "breaking up", you also resigned from the fatui. saying you needed rime to collect yourself after a personal incident.

scaramouche can now see you in the frozen parks of shneznaya smiling with your supposedly new lover, holding a cup of hot chocolate as yoy slowly sip the beverage. he walks by you two and overhears your lover's words: "you're so beautiful when you smile"

this remark made scaramouche scoff, you clearly looked prettier when your eyes were swollen and nose red from the harsh rubbing. to scaramouche, you looked your happiest when you were sad. and if being with him made you sad, then thats what makes you the happiest person ever.

[bloodycassian]

Reader x Cassian - Hellish Prompt: Reader is an assassin/spy that was caught and azriel has spent months torturing her for information and can’t get anything out of her and cassian eventually goes to see who this assassin/spy is and the mating bond snaps and cassian beats the $hitt out of az bc of the mating bond instincts and rhys has to intervene and break up the fight (i was thinking this could switch between azriel’s POV at the start and then switch to cassian's POV)

AN- this was SO fun to make. Please more requests like this!! I love the idea of unexpected mates!

TW -blood/ blades.  

Drip, drip, drip. Copper smell filled the small room. Blood leaked down the drain in the floor. You wheezed a laugh bitterly and spat on the ground at his feet. Azriel's rage simmered calmly under his dark shadows. They coiled, ready to strike. Wanting to strike. The sound of your feeble laughs was practically the only sound Azriel had gotten from you for the first week of torture.  The second week was worse, even for him. Truth teller revealed nothing when he gouged into your skin from the bottom up. Truthfully, he was impressed beyond measure. But that didnt mean that he could stop the job at hand. He had to know, and wished he didnt have to do this kind of thing to get the information from you. "Listen..." He sighed, cleaning his blade. He was always nervous whenever he had a back turned to an enemy, no matter how well they were restrained. But he trusted his shadows enough to tell him if something was wrong.  "If you just.. Cooperate and tell me where the Queens are, we can let you go. No trouble, just releasing you back to Rask." He tried to keep his tone neutral, but he was nearing an exhaustion point. Torture every day for two weeks had its toll not only on the victim, but the dealer as well. His shadows seemed to be growing restless too, waiting for a chance to strike.  He watched your reaction from the corner of his eye. Noted the way your head hanging loosely seemed to gain a bit more strength before you spoke. "Losing your touch, Spymaster?" You revealed a row of bloody teeth to him, and grunted when the chains at your wrists stung the magic that weakly attempted to help you.  Azriel could have sighed. He could have laughed and bled you dry. Have a healer come and patch you up enough to keep you alive. The idea was tempting, but he didn't like having anyone besides his brothers see him in this mode of darkness. He could have brought Rhys down to attempt to break into your mind again. After the first attempt and Rhys' reaction to being blocked, he wasn't eager for that again. So he sighed, and brought out the potions laced with Faebane.  + He was convinced you weren't a normal Fae. After months of his best torture methods he was a wreck. "She just-" He tried to hide his frustration, but his brothers knew him best. Cassian smirked by the fire, warming his wings. Rhys seemed a bit more concerned, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. Azriel had never been one to spend a long time on torture. Rhys saw the frustration flowing from him after every session with the stubborn Fae in the dungeon cell.  "I dont know what to do anymore. She's the only one to have never broken." He ran a hand though his hair. His shadows seemed weak, exhausted like him.  Rhys considered for a moment, looking between his two brothers. Cassian seemed to be enjoying Azriel's frustration. Maybe a bit too much. Rhys sipped his wine then, with a look of innocence, "Maybe we will have Cassian end it. Perhaps seeing the Lord of Death in front of her will knock something loose."  Cassian's stare whipped to him, a silent plea on his face. "We should leave it to our expert Rhys-" Azriel laughed, cold and bitter. "The expert hasn't got a damn thing out of her. We either kill her or send her back to Rask with all the information she's collected about us. With nothing in return." Shame lined his features. The sense of failure to his high lord was a heavy weight to bear. "Cas...I expect you down there tomorrow afternoon. It will be her last chance." Rhys' no nonsense tone shut down Cassian's retort. His jaw locked with distaste. He hated the cramped cells below the house of wind. Hated the way going underground made his wings feel like they needed to stretch. The worst was when that stale air was laced with the rotting smell of dead mice or old blood. It made his skin crawl just thinking about it.  "Come on Cas, dont you want to see the only one that's outlasted me?" Az asked with a mock grin. He couldn't give the same smile back. Turmoil spilled inside him at the thought of going so far below the mountain.  + Cassian took a long time to go to bed that night. His restlessness about the next day made him wake up over and over, never having more than an hour of peace before being waken up.  Azriel held up a mug of tea to him the next morning. "You look like shit." He handed his brother the mug with a small smile. Cassian glared at him, but took it anyway. He went to the balcony, his heavy wings needing to feel the fresh air. It was like taking a bath after being covered in grime. He sighed in relief, letting the late morning sun graze his body. The cold wind from Illyria was beginning to come in for the winter, and the familiar smell ignited something in him. He felt a draw, but shoved it to the back of his mind. He knew what he had to be this day. "Why the hell do we have to keep them so far down again?" Cassian complained. Around and around and around. Down deeper and deeper into the pit of the mountain that the house above was carved out of. Cassian felt like his lungs were collapsing the further they went. He tried not to let his nerves show, but he knew Az's shadows would pick up on it anyway.  "Remember when you broke your arm chasing down that Attor?" Azriel could have laughed at that memory, but the story surrounding it made the experience soured. More shame on top of the guilt already there.  Cassian hummed in approval, welcoming the distraction the memory brought. He tried not to focus on how each turn of the staircase got darker and darker. How the air seemed to compress around him. He locked his eyes on the scar on one of Az's wings. "And we spent a week fixing the top story of that apothecary?" He asked, keeping his voice steady.  "Yes. Dont you remember how the Attor got out?" Cassian shook his head, and Azriel huffed a laugh. "I left the door open for just a second to get a new knife and..." He shook his head, part in anger and regret, part in shame. "It had escaped before I turned around. I dont know how it happened, to this day."  Cassian stared at the back of the shadowmaster's head. The dark ripples around him seemed to spike. "It happens Az, you can't be perfect."  "It's not perfection, its basic thought. After that we moved all enemies to the lower dungeons. No matter the threat. Rhys even put wards on the arches." He ran a hand over the walls, his fingers catching a few of the grooves that linked each spelled archway to the other.  Cassian left the conversation at that. At least his brother wasn't brooding as much as before. The dim lights began to come into view, and his heart began hammering. Adrenaline singing through his veins. His polished siphons glowed, reflecting red off the dark stone ceiling. He had polished all his black armor the night before, when he couldn't sleep. Something poked, prodded at him all night. Keeping him awake. He figured he may as well make use out of it.  "She's not going to talk to you unless you show..weakness first." Azriel said in a low voice. Cassian nodded, reaching the end of the stairwell with him.  Cassian couldn't see the dark figure in the cell, but he felt the presence nonetheless. The dark draw that you demanded. He wondered how Azriel had dealt with that pull this whole time. The tantalizing draw to you. He shook his head, pushed the hair out of his face and nodded to Azriel.  He opened the door, then began his ritual. At the start of every session he would toss a bucket of water over your body, then a bucket of salt. It made the wounds that handn't healed fully scream in pain. You jolted at the suddenness of it this time. "Good morning, shadowsinger." You ground out, voice rough with strain. Cassian watched in awe at his brother.  Cassian was never one for torture. There was a reason Azriel was appointed to this position. Watching the calm cruelness of him was jarring, but Cassian kept his face straight. He stood behind you, watching the flimsy attempts to pull at the shackles holding your arms up. Lacerations dotted each arm, some light pink scars. Some were still scabbing over. A chill ran down his spine.  "You have a guest today, would you like to see him?" Azriel's voice was cool, calm. Like he was speaking orders to a group of soldiers. He began slicing new lines into your arms, moving up to your neck. He had left your ears in tact, as a last resort if you refused to speak to Cassian. The pull Cassian felt was overwhelming. He walked a bit too quickly around you, plastered on a wicked smile for show, then crouched down. The smile faded when he finally saw your face. Your dripping hair was a horror on its own. Plastered to the skeletal cheekbones, and pale eyes. Those eyes were brighter than anything he'd ever seen. A field of flowers down the slope of Illyrian mountains. His world shifted, drawing the breath from him. "Mine." His mind seemed to roar with that alone, but in a thousand different variations. "Lover, friend, partner, mine mine mine. Mate. My mate." His lips quivered with the realization. With the way his heart soared, and the way he moved without realizing it. He choked a gasp, and fell forward on his knees before you. He saw the same astonishment in your reaction. Azriel dropped his sword, confusion and concern alert on his features. "Cas wh-" Before he could finish, before his shadows could detect that Cassian had even moved, his brother was on top of him. Cassian's knuckles stung with every punch. A new kind of rage flared inside him. It made his muscles yearn for violence. Made his teeth crave the flesh of those that so much as looked at you wrong. There was no mercy for Azriel, it was as if he was an enemy on the battlefield. Cassian held nothing back. You hung limply from the chains that bound you. Crunch after crunch sounded from Azriel. He eventually managed to push Cassian off of him. Then they locked together in battle again. Clashes of armor against armor were deafening. The snarls they ripped at each other were loud enough to make you cringe. Your heart squeezed at the sounds of Cassian's breath. At the scent of blood spilling. You pulled feebly at the chains, your mind roaring to protect him.  Your mate. You tried to watch the battle, but the weakness in your body refused to let you turn more than a few inches. They were panting, Cassian fighting with a ferocity Azriel had never seen. His eyes flared with rage, like he was possessed. "Cas-" Azriel grunted, shoving his brother backwards. His back hit yours, pushing you down and digging those stone cuffs into your wrists. You hissed in pain. Cassian roared and lunged at his brother again, and again.  The darkness that boomed outside the cell was jarring. The stone ceiling shuddered, small rocks and dirt falling from it. Cassian did not stop. He didn't hesitate, coming at Azriel with punch after punch. His fist crushed the wall behind where Az's head had been. 

"Enough." The high lord's cool command was enough to make you still your weak attempts at looking at the two. Cassian's chest heaved as he tried lifting his arm to punch Az again. Pure fury in his heart was enough to make him disobey Rhysand's order.

  Then Rhys' talons gripped him. Freezing his mind, stilling him. Rhys' face shifted to surprise at what he glimpsed at there. "Oh.." He breathed. Azriel panted, backing away from his brother, out of the cell. He locked the cell and wiped the blood from himself, his wings hanging limply behind him. "What- the hell." He panted, nursing his arm. Cassian's eyes locked to your small frame. How your muscles quivered, how your arms shook with the effort of holding yourself up. He felt Rhys' claws recede slowly from his mind, releasing each part of him one by one. He rushed to you.  He picked up Azriel's sword and with a clean, masterful swipe, broke the enchanted stone that bound you. The weak sigh that came from you was heartbreaking. His eyes pricked with tears, and he caught you before you could fall to the floor into the puddle of dried blood. He didnt notice, or care that it was there. He sat there with you, cradled you and shook with you. 

"Cassian... She's.. Cassian's mate." Rhys said slowly, astonished. He didn't take his eyes from his brother in the cell. Azriel froze in place. For a moment, the dungeon was completely still. Totally silent, as if the world waited for what was to come next.

Azriel turned on a heel and left, trudging up the stairs. Rhys dared not touch his mind. "Cassian...." He spoke, trying to get his brother's attention. He did not glance at Rhys, just curled around your body more. Protecting, nesting almost. Rhys knew the feeling too well from the weeks after he and Feyre's bond snapped into place.  "We will check in tomorrow. Be safe, brother." Rhys spoke to Cassian's mind. It was nothing but an ocean of rushing thoughts. Cassian could have bared his teeth, could have tried to fight his brother through the bars of the cell. Hell, he could have probably broken through those bars with the primal strength flowing through him with the rush from the bond. 

But he didn't. He stayed, his warm body pressed against yours. Those siphons glowing against your skin like a fire. He stroked your hair soothingly, his tears like rainfall on your body, through your bloodstained clothes. He didn't remember falling asleep there, but it was the most restful, peaceful night he'd ever had in his existence. 

[myriadimagines]

Chips and Orange Soda (part ii)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine One Shot

Pairing: Reader x Jake Peralta

Other Characters: Amy Santiago

Warnings: theft, threats of violence

Summary: When a series of bodegas are robbed, Holt assigns Jake and Rosa on the case. You, a cashier, become a suspect, but Jake has a gut feeling that you’re not a suspect at all. In fact, he thinks you’re the key to solving the case.

Part One: Chips and Orange Soda

Word Count: 2,319

A/N: the second part to my submission for @locke-writes​​‘ writing challenge!! admittedly it gets kind of into an ethical dilemma that i didnt mean to go into and that’s unnecessarily deep but you’ll see what i mean ajskdhas but anyway disclaimer again!! not in law enforcement!!! this is not accurate when it comes to crimes!!! i really hope the reveal/ending isn’t too disappointing and that u guys still enjoyed the story!!! it does get a little more serious in this part but i still hope it’s in character/tone with the show!!

reblog/feedback/comments are very much appreciated!!!

Jake is careful to open up the door of the bodega, which is all bordered up with tape as the shattered glass has yet to be replaced. The inside looks better at least, no longer sectioned off with police tape, and business seems to be going on as usual, with customers in between the aisles and some at the counter. Jake resists the urge to grab a snack for himself, and he glances around the room, frowning as he realises there’s no sight of you.

Jake finally approaches a young man manning the cash register. “Hey man, is y/n in?”

He shakes his head. “Sorry dude, they don’t work Tuesdays.”

Jake smacks the side of his head, remembering how you mentioned it to him. He moves to exit the store when he notices the live security footage playing on the screen behind the counter. Pointing it out, Jake says, “Hey, looks like you got your cameras working again.” 

The man looks over his shoulder, before turning back to Jake with furrowed eyebrows. “What?”

Jake frowns slightly, his hand falling to his side. “y/n told me that your cameras were down last week.” 

The man remains confused, staring at Jake as if he’s speaking another language. Slowly, he finally responds, “Nah, they’ve been working fine. I don’t know what y/n’s talking about.” 

Something inside of Jake’s stomach twists, and he frowns. Despite how hard he’s been trying to defend you, he can’t help but admit to himself that you’re not making it easy. He digs through his pockets, pulling out an old receipt, and he grins to himself as he flips it over and finds your number on the other side. Pulling out his phone, he cringes slightly at his 6% battery level, and he hopes he has enough to make a call.

Dialling in your number, he raises the phone to his ear. It rings a few times before someone finally picks up the phone. Taking in a deep breath, Jake says, “y/n? It’s Jake, the detective from last week. We… we need to talk.” 

—

Jake paces around the briefing room, shaking his head as he tries to piece everything together. After coming back to the precinct following his failed attempt to find you at the bodega, Jake had filled up a corkboard with pictures and other small pieces of evidence he and Rosa were able to gather, although it was looking rather sparse. Your lie about the security cameras definitely presents as an obstacle, but he tries not to think the worst of it. He hasn’t told Rosa yet, who had gone out to meet with the forensics team again, fearing what her reaction would be towards you. Maybe you were mistaken, maybe the robbers managed to figure out a way to wipe the footage. But something about the situation doesn’t sit right with Jake, and he lets out a defeated sigh. 

“Hey, Jake,” Amy peeks her head inside, knocking at the door, and Jake looks up. She gestures back to the bullpen as she continues, “You’ve got someone here to see you. Sounds like they’ve got some information on the bodega robberies.” 

Jake perks up, rushing past Amy out of the room. His eyes widen as he sees you linger by his desk, nervously glancing around the room. He nods as a thank you to Amy before making his way over to you, and he greets, “Hey, y/n, thanks for coming in. How have you been doing?”

You meet Jake’s gaze, and you can’t help but soften at his tone. He seems to genuinely care, and you can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. Nodding, you reassure him, “I’m okay. I’m… I’m glad you reached out, actually. There are some things that I need to tell you about. Can we go for a walk?” 

Jake hesitates. He knows that he should probably bring you to the interrogation room instead, but he finds himself nodding. He grabs his leather jacket hanging on the back of his chair, and he nods towards the elevator as he remarks, “Sure. Let’s go.”

—

You and Jake make your way through the streets of Brooklyn, finding yourself at a nearby local park. You can’t help but smile at the sight of children running around, squealing at one another as they chase each other in some sort of game, but you can’t ignore the pit in your stomach, the gnawing guilt that has plagued you ever since your first interaction with Jake.

You finally happen upon an empty bench in a quiet corner of the park and you silently take a seat. Jake sits beside you, and your breath begins to tremble. Jake patiently waits for you, eyes wide with concern as he finds himself shifting closer to you, subconsciously wanting to comfort you despite not knowing what’s to come. 

“I… I haven’t told you everything that I know about the bodega.” you finally confess, and Jake takes in a deep breath. He nods slowly, silently urging you to continue, and you look up to meet his gaze as you continue, “I know who did it. And the other robberies, too.”

Jake stares at you, and you can tell it’s clearly a lot of information to take in. He presses his lips together, trying to process all this, before he quietly asks, “You’re trying to protect someone, aren’t you?” 

Your expression crumples, and your shoulders slump as you bury your face in your hands. You swore to yourself you wouldn’t cry, but as the overwhelming reality of the situation begins to sink in, you’re suddenly finding it hard to breathe. Jake’s expression falls, and despite knowing that the two of you are practically strangers, he wraps an arm around you, gently rubbing his hand up and down your arm as he tries to soothe you. 

“It feels like I’ve been trying to protect him all my life, but I- I feel like I can’t, anymore.” you manage to say through sobs, and Jake frowns, eyebrows furrowing in concern. Gulping, you finally reveal, “My brother.”

Jake sucks in a sharp breath. He’s all too familiar himself with broken homes, with strained familial relationships. You’re almost afraid to look at him, but Jake’s expression is one of understanding, of sympathy. He gently reassures you, “Take all the time you need, alright?” 

You nod, trying to compose yourself the best you can. You fold your hands into your lap, perhaps a poor attempt at stopping them from shaking, and you manage to hold your tears back long enough for you to begin explaining, “It was always just me and my brother, you know? My single mom had to raise us, but we barely saw her because she was always working. But my brother and I always had each other’s backs, and I thought it would be that way forever.”

You’re distracted as a pair of kids dart past you, and Jake notices the bittersweet smile that appears on your face as you watch them. Quietly, he prompts, “When did you feel like things started to go wrong?” 

“I mean, my brother was always a rowdy kid, always getting into trouble, but it just kept getting worse and worse. I’d try to bail him out, but there was only so much I could do.” you continue. “As we got older, I started seeing him less and less. He’d show up whenever he needed help, but that was it. Until he showed up the night before the bodega robbery.”

“He came to see you?” Jake’s eyes widen in alarm, and you nod. You can feel a pit forming in the bottom of your stomach as you think back to that night, and you uneasily run your hands through your hair. 

“I didn’t know he had robbed those other bodegas. But he came around asking for me to let him and his friend in, basically. Asked me for the key. I told him no, that I could just lend him money, and he… he got angry.” your voice shakes slightly as you stare off at some point in the distance. “We’ve had our fights, obviously, but this was different. I was almost scared of him.”

You screw your eyes shut as you remember seeing the smashed in front door, the fear swallowing you whole as you worried what might happen next. Jake doesn’t try to prompt you further, knowing how difficult this must be for you, and he lets out a soft sigh as he wishes that you didn’t have to go through such a thing.

“I don’t want him to go to jail. I just want him to be okay.” you can feel your words getting caught in your throat as you struggle to continue speaking. “But he doesn’t even feel like my brother anymore. That night was just… I- I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“What about the cameras?” Jake quietly asks.

“That was me.” you sigh, nervously wringing your hands together. “I couldn’t sleep that night, so eventually, I… I just got up and went to see if he had really done it. Part of me still had hope that maybe he didn’t. When I saw the door broken in it just… crushed me. I almost feel like he did it on purpose, to scare me. But I still wanted to protect him, so I… I went in to delete the security footage, and rushed out before anyone could see me.”

Jake leans back onto the bench. This is it, he realises. With your revelations, it seems as though the case is solved. But seeing the heartbreak on your face doesn’t make the solved case as satisfying as it usually is.

“I just feel like I’ve failed him.” your shoulders slump, your voice barely audible. “He’s my family I have, and I just… I just wish it didn’t have to be like this.” 

“Hey, you didn’t fail him, y/n,” Jake gently insists, and to your surprise, he reaches out to take your hand, giving it a squeeze. “You’ve been an awesome sibling, better than he deserves, really. But he chose to do this, and that’s not on you.” 

You nod, trying your best to believe him, and from the earnest expression on Jake’s face, you feel like you could. You manage to muster up a smile, and Jake smiles back at you. Nodding back in the direction of the precinct, Jake tells you, “I do need you to need you to come back to the precinct to make a statement. But you’ve really helped us, y/n, and you did the right thing.” 

A part of you has doubts, but you try your best to take comfort in Jake’s words. Jake gets to his feet, and you stand up with him, and Jake offers you a small smile that reassures you that everything will be okay. 

—

You bump the cash machine closed with your elbow as you count out some change. Sliding it over to the customer alongside their bag of snacks, you politely smile at them before they step aside to leave. You wave the next customer in line forward, only to realise it’s Jake standing before you, and your eyes widen as he offers you a sheepish grin. He steps up to the counter, placing down a bag of chips and a bottle of orange soda, and you exchange a knowing smile as you lean forward, “Hey, Jake. Did… did everything go alright?”

“We got him and his buddy.” Jake confirms, and you let out a breath you didn’t realise you were holding. “They tried to give us the slip, but I chased after them.”

You narrow your eyes slightly, and Jake quickly corrects himself, “Okay, Rosa chased after them, but that doesn’t matter.”  

You laugh, and Jake snorts with you before continuing, “There’ll be a trial, obviously. I’ll give you more updates when I hear them.”

You nod, before sliding Jake’s stuff back to him. You don’t even bother ringing his purchase up as you tell him, “It’s on the house.” 

“What? No.” Jake hurriedly searches through his pockets for some change. “You don’t have to do that.”

“It’s the least I can do.” you insist. Jake offers you some cash, but you shake your head. “Seriously, Jake, thank you, for everything.” 

You reach out, closing Jake’s hand, and your gaze lingers on one another as your hand remains on his. He smiles, and Jake feels like his heart might beat out of his chest as you smile back at him. Before he can stop himself, he blurts, “Do you want to get dinner with me sometime?”

You blink at him in surprise, and Jake winces as he worries he might’ve blown it. Stammering, he continues, “It’s, uh, my way of saying thank you. For helping us solve the case. And for the snacks.” 

Jake watches as a smile spreads across your face, and you chew on your lip as if trying to contain your happiness. “Is this a date?”

Jake grins at you. “It can be.” 

“Just tell me when and where.” you nod excitedly, and Jake beams at you. “I’d love to go out with you, Jake.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Jake claps his hands together. He scoops up his snacks, backing away as he continues, “Hey, I’ve got to run back to the precinct, but I’ll text you, okay?”

“Got it.” you nod, grinning from ear to ear. You can’t help but chuckle as you watch Jake clumsily try to open the door, but he stops himself. 

“Oh! By the way,” Jake spins around on his heel. “Do you guys sell batteries?” 

“Um,” you glance over your shoulder at the inventory behind you. “We’ve got some. What kind do you need?”

“It’s for a clock.” Jake sighs, and you raise an eyebrow at his reaction. “It’s… a long story.”

tag list: @myfriendmagislit / @thedamagedcne / @real-fbi / @writinqss / @thisismysecrethappyplace / @natalia-helena-alianova-romanov / @dontjudgemepeepswrites / @hauntedpocdreamer / @locke-writes / @lgbtonystarks / @fangirlsarah16 / @kittensanddarkclouds / @randomfandomimagine / @ofthedewthesunlight / @bravelittlesunflower / @gothicwidowsworld​ / @halfofwhatisayismeaningless / @amirahiddleston / @interwebseriesfan24​

[fictionkinfessions]

I feel like the fucking outlier for being a yin yu that never reconciled with quan yizhen. i never got over my feelings of hate. Mere mentions of yizhen make me so severely uncomfortable, pda of us makes me feel like im suffocating. Its horrible because i do know that i love him. I do. But the feelings of hatred, jealousy, shame, guilt. They overwhelm the love i have for him so badly.

Its even worse that my boyfriend in this life is quan yizhen. He cant help his identity but whenever he mentions being yizhen i feel myself getting more distant, colder, way more uncomfortable with conversation. He notices it too. We both do. I try my best to get over it but its something neither of us can help. I feel bad for treating him coldly whenever he mentions he's yizhen but i've never been a good actor. I try my best to ignore it but i hate yizhen. So much. I know it isnt his fault and he didnt intend to do it but he still stole everything from me. I never wanted to work for hua chengzhu. I didnt even want to be revived. I wish i wouldve stayed dead with no consciousness because that would have been a better fate for me. I took the job from hua chengzhu because it was better than nothing at all and i owed him, as much as i didnt want it, and he promised to keep me away from yizhen.

I wish i didnt have any of these feelings. I wish i could love yizhen normally but i cant. I hate him so much. His presence even online feels suffocating to me.

- yin yu

'

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)

“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.

This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.  

This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).

-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:

I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:

His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!

He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.

It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances.  (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.

There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.

- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :

While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:

wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)

trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)

clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)

hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)

The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.

Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!

-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:

Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!

(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!

by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!

(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:

I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )

(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.

(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!

(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”

(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!

3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!

Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:

kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)

kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good”  Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).

kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)

kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.

Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure  triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.

kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”

So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t  have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased,  then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!

4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):

As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!

if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right?  If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.

The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!

5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):

When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~

Side Notes:

This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with  this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.

kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T

this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.

The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!

Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!

I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!

kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T

I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.

The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!

I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.