#neev.vom

[neevblanc]

(this was all a tiktok DM convo I had with my friend 😭)

tiktok that started this ➡️ https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8h6CU21/

(bkdk angst after the cut <3 it’s not formatted at all and messy cuz…dms…)

I’m going to disintegrate and die!!!/pos

I HATE playing with this concept.

Because it’s too goddamn realistic.

The fact that they are queer men has irreversibly changed their dynamic. Them being two men makes things so different and so much more complicated.

And I think it’s one of the reasons why I hate hate HATE gender bending for no reason other than “I felt like it.”

Because it takes away so much nuance. It WOULD be easier if one of them was a girl.

Bakugou would have noticed how pretty Izuku’s eyes and freckles were just a little earlier, with less of an ache in his chest. Izuku would have noticed just how /cute/ the scrunch in Katsuki’s nose when she got mad, and wouldn’t have had to deal with the overwhelming feeling of a monster gnawing at his stomach afterward.

Their is so much GUILT and almost shame intertwined in their dynamic and it makes it so important.

ITS SO IMPORTANT!!!! That trend where it’s like, “X would be fine with loving a boy if it weren’t B, and B would be fine with loving A if it wasn’t a boy.” But I think the first one applies to them much more.

it takes away so much of the complexity of their dynamic. Of having to fight past not just their past but then having to face the fear in themselves and knowing that they could very well lose family and friends over who they loved.

Despite the fact that it had always been just them, just those two. Just Kacchan and Deku.

One simple little factor of being queer and suddenly everything feels…dirtier. Holding hands is not childish anymore. Pressing together while talking isn’t the same as it was when they were 5 and huddled together under Kacchan’s dining table.

Now it has more meaning— less because they are older, and more because they are boys (not men. Never men).

So when Izuku admits to Ochako one night, under the cover of darkness and the few stars that were bright enough to break through the city smog — “Kacchan…is everything. He always has been.” — it hurts. It hurts more than he wants it too, more than he cares to admit

Ochako's eyes narrow, and he’s afraid, if only for a moment. But she puts a hand on his back, soothing.

“I know, Deku.”

And he can’t help the way his eyes well with tears, and he is filled with a shame greater than any god sent to cast him away from man.

Ochako can only watch her friend crumble and ponder how cruel it was to love so deeply and know you will never be free of the shame that comes with it. Izuku is a crier, but then, sitting next to her, he cries like a little kid. It jostles his body with tremors and leaves him breathless.

She wishes for a moment that one of them was a girl, if not only to save him from the pain that pours out of every fiber of his being.

She takes it back when the sobs become choked, Midoriya struggling to breathe. She guides him through the exercises they were taught for first aid diligently, and with his scarred palm pressed against her chest she takes it back. Because she knows when this over, when he can breathe properly and stand on his own, he will wipe his puffy eyes, hug her goodnight, and still love Katsuki with his whole being.

The boy in front of her will mourn, never knowing the lightness that comes with love but will choose to love anyway. He will choose him, time and time again, over the safety that so many others feel when they fall in love.

She can only hope they will be proven wrong one day. That they will love and feel none of the shame that had been taught. Midoriya will no longer feel guilt over never giving his mother someone to pass her old wedding dress down to, and Bakugou will not retreat into himself when he feels his body relax at the first contact between his and Midoriya’s hands.

In the meantime, she helps Izuku onto his feet and up to his dorm, even though hers is two floors down and on the opposite side. He hugs her goodnight, body pliant when she pushes him into bed and leaves him to sleep off the migraine he had most certainly developed.

When she succumbs to sleep in her own bed, she will let go of his shame and leave him to bear it on his own once again, and Ochako will have to live with the fact that she will never be able to take it from either of them no matter how much she wanted to.

She will resign herself to watching them love in secret and in pain. and deal with her own shame, for not being able to save them. When their friends tease the boys she will laugh and remind them gently that they’ve always been like that, even before UA. And though they are surrounded by gentle smiles and teasing laughter, she and a select few will know they are wallowing in an amount of shame none of them could ever truly fathom.

Because they were both boys. What a cruel fate.

note —

This is all to say I don’t hate genderbends completely. They’re for fun, just like any other AU. It just feels like sometimes it’s used as a bit of an easy solution for so much of the tension between bkdk.

or maybe im dumb. that too. :p

regardless, i cant ever escape the bkdk angst that runs through my veins ¯_(ツ)_/¯ (snuck in bestfriend!ochako cuz she is important to me regardless of whether or not she's connected to these two lol) (this also sorta ignores the universes where the MHA/BNHA timeline has kind of mostly moved past homophobia in the way we are used to seeing IRL.)

okok im done with notes BYEEEEE <3333