#actually derealized

[notdelusionalatall]

TW: suicide, self harm, dpdr

Just because I have mental problems and struggle every day with dark thoughts and feel strongly suicidal on some days, that doesn't mean that I have forgotten about the good things in my life.

I attempted suicide a few weeks ago and I feel horribly sorry, not so much for me, but rather for the pain I caused to those who love me.

My mom tends to say that I am a negative person but no, I will always love those who are there for me, I will always love hanging out with animals and feeding strays, I will always love nature, swimming, playing games meant for kids, I will always love plushies, cute and girly stuff, the color pink and so on.

As you can see by my blog it is mostly depressing stuff and "gaslight gatekeep girlboss, delulu" and other bullshit.

This blog is just for me to be "insane" on the internet, a safe place to vent and say the things I would usually keep to myself.

I am recovering from alcoholism so that means I am on meds, and I admit that I sometimes abuse/misuse them thinking that a bigger dosage will help more but I am glad I haven't touched alcohol for almost a year and a half, despite the terrible withdrawals.

My beer belly is gone, my stomach is not as disturbed, my migraines are getting weaker and weaker and I look fresh!

I won't let my shitty mental health take away the gratitude I have inside me for everything good in my life. I wont let it ruin me.

☯️

So no, I am not a negative person, I think I am somewhere in the middle.

Also fuck derealization.

[bl0w-m3]

[savemefrommymindpls]

[lonely-space-egg]

[cosmicvenusnebula]

When you get to comfortable using "We" pronouns and accidentally use it in front of someone you probably shouldn't:

[vacant2007]

[runysstar]

[nonaltercdd]

For being a dissociative disorder the CDDs are the ones who I see less of dissociative symptoms be talked about in the community

So I thought, why not make a post about some of the dissociative symptoms the CDD has!!

Depersonalization: Depersonalization is one of the big levels of dissociation that, in certain cases, can be categorized as a disorder in company of derealization. Depersonalization can present in various forms, but as general definition it's when someone it's so dissociated from themselves that they don't feel connected to their body or sense of self, just like you were external to yourself

Derealization: Derealization is one of the big leves of dissociation that, in certain cases, can be categorized as a disorder in company of depersonalization. Derealization can present in various forms, but as genera definition it's when you feel strange, fake, unreal and distorted your reality and all the things surrounding you.

Depersonalization and derealization tent to come hand in hand and sometimes together, this is most common between systems and it can overlap with a lot of other things making the experience more unique and worst for the pwCDD

"Autopilot" mode: Autopilot is a state of being in which your body reacts to what is needed and, like the name suggest, in an autopilot mode, is not necessarily a depersonalization mode cause it can come from more light dissociation, and sometimes you don't even feel it or realizate it happens (when depersonalization tend to be a semi-conscious and aware state), even though it can come hand in hand is not always like that

Crisis identity: Alters aside, being pwCDD can give you a lot of crisis identity, and when it comes to dissociative part is one you feel some kind of blurriness, disconnection, confusion and lost about you, can be because of many factors and can lead to severe impact in your personal view to the point of not being sure if you're you and questioning a lot of things about you, this kind of dissociative behavior can overlap with many factors which makes it worse

Emotional amnesia: Emotional amnesia is an specific kind of dissociative amnesia characterized by remembering the facts and/or events but feeling emotionally disconnected to that, not feeling or remembering the feelings regarding that memorie/event, and the sense of third person regarding the event, is being emotionally separated

Blackout amnesia: Blackout amnesia is one of the most named kinds of amnesia a pwCDD will experience, though is less common than emotional amnesia, the blackout amnesia is characterized by forgetting all about what you experienced, counting emotion and memory

Dissociative amnesia: Dissociative amnesia is a very big spectrum, this is why it's a diagnosis/disorder by its own. But for being general dissociative amnesia is when you dissociate things about yourself, this can be memories, important information, daily life, etc, to a point you end up forgetting that information

Flashback: Did you know that flashbacks are a dissociative response to trauma? You didn't? Now you know! Flashbacks are a way in which your brain dissociates from reality to relive a memory or experience you previously have, in this connotation, a traumatic experience

"Non-pain" mode: Sometimes even hurting yourself (accident or not) you can't feel the pain of that, it's like that physical damage isn't yours, this is a kind of dissociation more connected to how the brain is connected to your body and the sense of physical pain. SO sometimes your brain, aiming to protect you, dissociates from the physical pain to be "safe"

Denial: In some cases denial can be a dissociative response as a way for keeping you away from understanding and knowing you have certain trauma and passed trough certain experience. When you deny having or passing through something you tend to dissociate the memory and sometimes to the reality as a way to try keep yourself safe

Daydreaming: Daydreaming is a dissociative coping mechanism and sometimes it can come to the point of being maladaptive and dangerous for yourself. Daydreaming is a way in which trough dissociation your brain makes up a new "reality" in hopes to scape the real life and reality

Emotional disruption: Did you know that if you feel sad and then you stop being sad is dissociation? One of the dissociative ways of coping with a stressful and heavy emotion is "turning off" your emotions, or in the other hand, feeling like the past emotion was replaced by another one, it's important to note that this mood change is without any apparent explanation and you cannot return to the previous emotion cause you know feel detached to it, like isn't yours anymore. In the other hand you can be ok and a new emotion comes up to you, you feel detached to this emotion and don't have any idea where it come from and why are you feeling it, but you do, and it doesn't feels yours

Skill variation: Having in one moment one skill and in the other don't, having different skill abilities in which one time you can be good and other not that good, and all the variations within the ability to do certain skill (can be any skill, like writing, talking, moving, drawing, etc.)

"Emotionless" state: The emotionless state is when, for one or another reason, you feel empty, null, like you lack any kind of emotions, like there's a void in whee your emotions should be, this emotional dissociation can happen for many reason and in company of other symptoms, though sometimes one doesn't notice it because of this emotionless state

This are some of the dissociative symptoms I can recall at the moment, maybe there are more that I didn't put here and you want to add in comments/reblogs or you can ask me to add them to this list

Well some of this symptoms can overlap with the alter part of the disorder they're not 100% attached to them and it's important to recognize this as very prominent symptoms of the disorder, after all this is a dissociative disorder, isn't it?

If you want to add more to this or ask a question go ahead, we'll see it 100% sure!!

[vixensofdeath]

I stay awake until I am unhealthily exhausted. it’s oddly nice and familiar to just sink into the mattress and almost become nothing.

[unorcadox]

On that day, the viscera of God fell on the world.  Stringing itself up across the sky and into everything.

[notdelusionalatall]

[likopinina]

i like how the oldest house from "control" exists irl it is rated 4.3 stars on google maps and the reviews are a treat

and it's not even the weirdest looking building in the area

now we know why the oldest house doesn't draw attention - the glass jenga building takes up all of the attention

[jack-the-killler]

[bl0w-m3]

[skinnyr4t]

[awesomecoolswaggirl]

maladaptive daydreamers of tumblr, do you also occasionally get stuck in daydream episodes where you just cant stop? no matter how hard you try. and it’s almost unwanted like, i just do it and i’m not even realizing i’m wasting a whole day daydreaming just trying to get back to reality and escape my head, but i physically cant. like the dissociation is so bad and you just kind of feel like you aren’t even living, the whole day goes by and you’re like huh