#abuse and depression

[thefirstradiant]

DEAN WINCHESTER!

Okay? Did I get y’all’s attention? I heard this song in the car a few day ago and immediately had a million thoughts. I also immediately began crying, thanks. This song cuts deep to Dean’s core (some Sam thrown in there too) and I think you all should give it a listen. If you care to read my line by line thoughts, they’re under the break because it got LONG lmao.

I made a home here in unsteady things

It was hard to think that I could ever leave

For me I see most of this song through Dean’s perspective, but that could also just be because I’m so Dean-coded that it’s also just my perspective. I’m picturing the constant moving around as kids with John and trying to make a home in the hundreds of motels. I’m picturing the Impala, adult Dean’s first real home, and how he brought Sam back into it. I don’t think Dean thought he could ever leave this life and at times he didn’t want to, even if it was unsteady.

So I gave my breath each time she couldn't breathe on her own

This is both of them, but from my Dean perspective of the song and the earliest time we see it in the series, this is Dean trading his soul for Sam. It’s also Dean as a kid giving Sam all his food and treats and energy and his everything so he could breathe just a little easier and contentedly.

I felt her scars and asked her nervously

Who was the thief that stole your certainty?

Demon-blood Sam to me. This is Dean scared of his brother and his powers and realizing that he may be more messed up by their childhood than he thought. This is Dean cursing himself for not doing a good enough job of protecting Sammy so that nothing could ever hurt him. Dean can see all the scars that that addiction left on Sam and it kills him and confuses him at the same time.

She didn't know, she lost it some time long ago

Oh Sammy. This part is just sad. No matter how hard Dean tried as a kid and young adult, Sam was already damaged. He was bound to fall into the demon blood addiction.

I've fought so long, it's what I do

My fists are fine, it's just my soul's a little bruised

Daddy’s blunt instrument. Soldier of Heaven. Ultimate Killer. Need I say more? This is Dean hearing everyone else tell him that fighting is what he does. He comes back every time so he must be fine right? Wrong. Some wounds aren’t visible.

But I'll stay on my feet until I lose

But I never learn to lose

My favorite lines. They give me shivers. This is what we know Dean for. The man who absolutely never gives up. Who would get back on his feet a million times over again for Sam. And then the “learn to lose” part. Throughout the show we see this in Dean. He doesn’t know how to process his loved ones leaving him or dying or their plans failing. He just needs that next “big win”. This is my favorite unfinished (thanks finale) exploration of Dean.

It's hard to know me

At least you tried

It's hard to love in the cold

And it's gotten so cold outside

Ah the chorus. Really punches home how Dean feels. He loves that Sam tried to know him and stay with him, even if he still can’t see that he ever deserved it. The cold gives me such amazing imagery here of desolation, of emptiness. It is HARD to love in the face of such emptiness that we see time and time again during the apocalypse events and times when the brothers get separated. But they’re still trying. They’re shivering in the cold, but trying.

My younger years went by so urgently

And left me grief that I'm still servicing

Quite obviously Dean. Just want to point out I love the word choices of urgently and servicing. I think Dean will always be servicing his trauma from John and his upbringing, but I just so wish we could have seen some conclusion to his attitude of not caring about himself at all. Stupid finale with the “it was always about you, Sam”. Dean deserved to love himself.

If good times change, why do the bad days stick around?

No thoughts just me crying over Dean sitting in the bunker, happy, maybe cooking and smiling with Jack. Sam’s reading the paper and drinking coffee. Sometime in the later seasons when they think they’ve won. And then Dean just feels this crushing weight and wonders why, when everything around him points to being happy, he just can’t feel it.

She said, I'll just keep going to be kind

To that same little girl who wondered why her parents cried

Ah back to Sammy. I could write a lot about Sam watching John abuse Dean as a child, but I won’t because it would go on forever. These lines feel to me like Sam as an adult trying to understand how different his childhood experience was from Dean’s and coming to terms with, yes, Dean may have seemed to have it worse, but that doesn’t mean Sam was unscathed. Sam realizes this and has to change his thoughts toward himself. Also Sam comforting Dean.

Cause she grew up and learned to lie like them

Dean watching Sammy grow up a hunter and fight and kill and all the things he really never wanted for his baby brother that he swore to protect.

I've tried to lie to you

But boy you listen to me with your eyes as well

In the song, this is still from Sam’s perspective and it’s really interesting to me with the closeness and codependency these brothers have. They don’t lie to each other well at all. It’s a forced closeness from their childhood and lifestyle where all they have is each other. This is Sam trying to persuade Dean to let him go his own way etc. Dean doesn’t listen well and sees Sam instead and how much he needs him, both because he wants to help him and because Dean is very codependent as well.

And it's hard to see me

At least you tried

It's hard to love in the cold

And it's gotten so cold outside

Beautiful chorus again. Makes me cry. This time saying “it’s hard to SEE me”. Dean almost never feels seen, even when people try to, because he just can’t accept their love unless he loves himself first.

Farewell my uncle

And farewell his son

I mean, this is the Winchester farewell to all the family that they’ve lost along the journey. The bitter cold outside takes its toll not just on Sam and Dean but everyone around them. Uncle of course makes me sad about Bobby again. And son could be a lot of different people. I read it a lot as Dean’s feelings about his “kids”. Claire, Alex, Jack, Ben… Just a very full circle moment to Dean saying goodbye to his childhood and trying to make a difference in some other kid’s experiences.

Farewell the pieces

Cause they're all I was

This is older Dean looking back on his years of hunting and watching all the pieces and fractures he was at the times. When he felt like he was only half there or had to put aside his grief because the world was ending, like it always was. I like to think Dean is trying to say goodbye to that. He wants to be whole, he wants to be happy but he doesn’t really know how. He never learned how.

Will you stay with me,

As I turn to dust?

Like I said, he never really learned how to “carry on”. In a part of his mind, he would just be turning to dust. Once the world is saved, once Sammy is saved, what then? He reaches out, clutching to whatever he knows, just wanting to not be alone. He finds Sam and Cas and family and thinks, maybe I can just stay like this. I still think he thinks he’s in some limbo, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When you tell their story

Tell them I was loved

Cries. Just,, Dean doesn’t even think of himself as the one to tell the story. He just passes himself by. Sam can tell the story. Sam can carry on. Also he doesn’t want to be this tragic story he’s been playing out for years. When he’s gone, just tell a happy story, tell about his favorite foods, his Impala, how much he loved cowboy hats. He doesn’t want to be a heavy burden even when he’s dead. Maybe in a bedtime story, he can be a firefighter in small yeehaw town without depression or a traumatic childhood. And maybe he can just Be.

So now you see me

For the first time

This song is Dean laid bare. His grief, his purpose, his pain, his love, his family, his fear, his determination, his strength, his Sam. He WANTS people to SEE him, but at the same time, he can’t put that heavy burden on anyone. Except he learns a little about how to place it on Sam towards the end. If anyone really Sees Dean, it’s Sam. And it took him a long time to see him “for the first time”.

It's hard to love in the cold

But boy, it's time I tried

And there we have the core of Dean. His love. His love in the face of everything. The fact that he TRIES. And TRIES. And TRIES AGAIN. He may not ever have thought he was good enough, but to so many, he was. He was more than good enough. He was the best. And they all loved him so much. Especially Sam.

*sighs* time to go listen to the song a few more times and cry about how Dean never got the chance to finish his story and his growth. We could have had Dean loving HIMSELF. That’s his ending. His real one.

[emotionaleating]

pls don’t flirt with me i want to be nonchalant so bad but i unfortunately crave connection so intensely that i will give you my entire soul and forgive you over and over until i’ve lost myself completely and feel like i’m drowning

[lostmf]

[cosmic-dust-poltergeist]

Dick, after Tim nearly sacrificing himself Again: Tim .... you know we care about you... right?

Tim: That's strange...

Jason, was eavesdropping: What is?

Tim, blandly: The data does Not support that

Dick: Wha..?

Tim, pulling out a PowerPoint full of wacky transitions and clashing colours, titled "Evidence That Tim Drake Does Not Matter": Alright, do you want all the evidence starting with my parents or just what's relevant to the bat clan only?

Jason: Jesus, replacement.... please send this PowerPoint to a therapist and get so much help

Damian: Drake! Why is Richard crying?? What is this trash?

[rotting-bitch]

try to be gentle while tearing me apart

[girlyteengirl16]

healing is taking too long what if i just kill myself

[rainywhispersblog]

When you grow up in an abusive home, you don’t become a people pleaser to please people. You become a people pleaser to keep the potential for more abuse away.

[harmful-tropes]

I have a distinct memory of laying in my bed as a kid and wishing with all my heart that I would get hurt. That I would get into a bad car crash or I'd disappear. So my parents would cry and realize they didn't cherish me enough.

I find it sad that younger me thought she had to get hurt to feel loved.

[01298283]

[borderlinejackiee]

[ed-recoverry]

Shoutout to everyone whose abuser(s) were never punished.

Shoutout to everyone whose abuser is living a normal life.

Shoutout to everyone whose allegations were immediately dismissed.

Shoutout to everyone reported their abuser to the police and nothing happened.

Shoutout to everyone whose abuser was able to get out of significant legal punishment.

Shoutout to everyone whose abuser is generally seen as a good person.

Shoutout to everyone whose abuser is a “pillar of the community.”

Shoutout to everyone whose abuser has lied about you.

Shoutout to everyone whose abuser has framed them.

Shoutout to everyone whose abuser threatened them into silence.

Shoutout to everyone whose abuser discouraged them from reporting.

Shoutout to everyone who lost friends after reporting and or exposing their abuser.

Shoutout to everyone who lost family after reporting and or exposing their abuser.

Shoutout to everyone who received backlash for reporting and or exposing their abuser.

Shoutout to everyone who has created a rift in their family or friends by reporting or exposing their abuser.

Shoutout to everyone who is terrified to tell anyone about their abuser.

Shoutout to everyone who never had the opportunity to talk about their abuser.

Shoutout to everyone who feels like talking about their abuser is worthless.

Shoutout to everyone whose case was dismissed by the court.

Shoutout to everyone who faced backlash after their abuser was put in jail.

Shoutout to everyone who faced backlash for testifying against their abuser.

Shoutout to everyone who still has yet to be believed that they were abused.

Shoutout to everyone who knows their abuser will never be punished.

Shoutout to everyone who knows their abuser will never face backlash.

Shoutout to everyone who knows their story will be dismissed by loved ones.

Shoutout to everyone who spoke out about their abuser, but wasn’t believed until something happened to someone else.

Shoutout to everyone who spoke out about their abuser and wasn’t believed until they seriously harmed you.

Shoutout to everyone who has been mocked for trying to speak out about their abuser.

Shoutout to everyone who has faced social repercussions for speaking out or exposing their abuser.

Shoutout to everyone who has suffered financially for speaking out or exposing their abuser.

Shoutout to everyone whose abuser has admitted guilt, but never faced justice.

Shoutout to everyone who knows they were abused and are punished for it.

[emotionaleating]

[lostmf]

By @hel7l7

[de8dly]

substance abuse? i think youll find that i am quite nice to those substances, officer.

[rotting-bitch]

I once killed a plant by giving it too much water. I worry that love is violence.

[girlyteengirl16]

it is what it is (i want to die so bad)