#Trauma and Recovery

[thebibliosphere]

There are a lot of things I'm sad about in my life. You don't get to go through the kind of medical trauma I've been through and come out unscathed on the other side.

But one thing I'm really bitter about is that I can't remember my wedding anymore. The pernicious anemia took it from me and wiped my brain clean. Except it's not clean, not really. I remember it in patches. Like red wine stains on a white rug that have never quite lifted out no matter how hard you try.

I look at the pictures on my bookcase, and they feel like remembering a story someone else has told me. There's a young woman in a white dress wearing my face, and she looks happy. I'm happy for her. But you can see the strain around her eyes, too. The pain she's hiding because no one with authority believes her when she says her body doesn't feel right. That something is Wrong.

They won't believe her for another decade. They won't believe her until it's almost too late, and it's that lateness that will rob her of her memories and turn them into a wavering rainbow suspended in the fine haze of watery sunlight that occasionally surfaces through the blanks.

There's one memory that's real, though. Solid. It's not my vows. It's not my father walking me down the aisle. (Though those are there, just hazy and dream-like). It's our first dance.

It's the lights dimming around the room as the staff cleared the floor, causing the fishbowls full of white roses and LED lights on the tables to wobble like pools of moonlight against dark paneled walls.

It's the band inviting us out onto the floor and us giggling because we know what's coming next, and no one else does. It's the twang of a banjo reverberating around the room through the speakers, followed by the dulcet tones of Kermit the Frog wondering why there are so many songs about rainbows.

It's us waltzing around the enclosed circle of light, singing to each other out of tune and grinning like idiots as everyone around us starts to laugh.

It's everyone joining in on the song because it's the Muppets, and everyone knows the words. It's 100+ people singing the Rainbow Connection, some laughing, some a bit tearful, because it's bringing back memories. Because it's making a new one.

It's looking up at my new husband through the brain fog and all the pain in my body and thinking, "I want to remember this moment forever."

I don't know what entity was out there listening to me at that moment and chose to grant that wish. I don't know why this is the one memory that stuck while everything else in my brain got decimated into scattered, fragmented snapshots. But I'm so, so thankful it is.

[cold--carnage]

softness is a privilege that some take for granted.

kink/porn/sexually centered blogs please stop interacting with this post. your content is triggering and I don't want my art posted alongside it

[jon-quil]

A Storm of Swords, Jon VIII by George R. R. Martin, 2000 / A Feast for Crows, Sansa I by George R. R. Martin, 2005

[agentrouka-blog]

do you think jeyne poole will live? like a long and peaceful(or will try) life or?

Oh yes, absolutely.

GRRM used her character for plot reasons, and to make a big terrible point about hypocrisy and classist disregard in a big number of people. But he won't end it there.

From Jaime Lannister to the collective Northern nobility, no one would bother raising a hand to protect Jeyne Poole for her own sake. It's inconvenient. It would raise a fuss no one can bother to deal with. Only Theon comes to care for her as a person. Only Sansa remembers her friend.

Jeyne is only barely a step above the peasant girls Ramsay hunts for sport. He names his dogs after them, several are called Jeyne.

Even after she escapes with Theon's help, she must remain "Arya".

Jeyne Poole had wept all the way from Winterfell to here, wept until her face was purple as a beetroot and the tears had frozen on her cheeks, and all because he told her that she must be Arya, or else the wolves might send them back. "They trained you in a brothel," he reminded her, whispering in her ear so the others would not hear. "Jeyne is the next thing to a whore, you must go on being Arya." He meant no hurt to her. It was for her own good, and his. She has to remember her name. When the tip of her nose turned black from frostbite, and the one of the riders from the Night's Watch told her she might lose a piece of it, Jeyne had wept over that as well. "No one will care what Arya looks like, so long as she is heir to Winterfell," he assured her. "A hundred men will want to marry her. A thousand." (TWOW, Theon)

But names are important, even if they aren't convenient.

And suddenly there came a wild thumping, as the maester's ravens hopped and flapped inside their cages, their black feathers flying as they beat against the bars with loud and raucous caws. "The tree," one squawked, "the tree, the tree," whilst the second screamed only, "Theon, Theon, Theon." Theon Greyjoy smiled. They know my name, he thought. (TWOW, Theon)

It's only when he embraces his true identity, in the first chapter that carries his name in ADWD, that Theon can rise to save Jeyne. He is filled with joy at remembering himself, even after all he endured. Even while still pushing Jeyne into the pretense of a different name.

GRRM isn't using mirroring language for nothing. Jeyne will return to herself. Even after all she endured, she will know joy and belonging. There is life after trauma.

AFFC and TWOW contain the first mention of Jeyne Poole from Sansa's end since ACOK.

She had not had a friend to gossip with since poor Jeyne Poole. (AFFC, Alayne II)

For just a little while, as she ran, she forget who she was, and where, and found herself remembering bright cold days at Winterfell, when she would race through Winterfell with her friend Jeyne Poole, with Arya running after them trying to keep up. (TWOW, Alayne I)

The mentions tie her to friendship and to Sansa's own true identity.

GRRM isn't building that up for nothing, and the theme of identity and friendship, the mirror to Theon suggests a reunion that will validate Jeyne as a person worth of consideration for her own sake.

And that's where the idea of justice will come in. Jeyne is the perfect crown witness against Littlefinger, who is complicit in the plot of false identity to tamper with legitimacy of Northern rulership and the rights to Winterfell. He's a collaborator with not just the Lannister regime but House Bolton. There's barely any proof for his crimes, and none that Sansa can safely divulge, but this is a proper witness account for a trial.

Just like it's extremely likely that the dogs, with their various Jeynes, will be involved in the demise of Ramsay (though not the way the show did it) in order to give justice to the peasant girls he murdered, it's likely that Jeyne Poole will have a hand in creating justice against Littlefinger, one of the architects of her misery. And with the protection and regard of Sansa (and Arya), it will be made clear that even a person of lower rank like Jeyne Poole has a voice and importance.

And then she will go on and live her life.

[hauntedselves]

Judith Herman introduced the concept of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in her book Trauma and Recovery (1992). Here is her diagnostic criteria:

1. A history of subjection to totalitarian control over a prolonged period (months to years).

Examples include hostages, prisoners of war, concentration-camp survivors, and survivors of some religious cults. Examples also include those subjected to totalitarian systems in sexual and domestic life, including survivors of domestic battering, childhood physical or sexual abuse, and organized sexual exploitation.

2. Alterations in affect regulation, including

persistent dysphoria

chronic suicidal preoccupation

self-injury

explosive or extremely inhibited anger (may alternate)

compulsive or extremely inhibited sexuality (may alternate)

3. Alterations in consciousness, including

amnesia or hypermnesia for traumatic events

transient dissociative episodes

depersonalization/derealization

reliving experiences, either in the form of intrusive post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms or in the form of ruminative preoccupation

4. Alterations in self-perception, including

sense of helplessness or paralysis of initiative

shame, guilt, and self-blame

sense of defilement or stigma

sense of complete difference from others (may include sense of specialness, utter aloneness, belief no other person can understand, or nonhuman identity)

5. Alterations in perception of perpetrator, including

preoccupation with relationship with perpetrator (includes preoccupation with revenge)

unrealistic attribution of total power to perpetrator (caution: victim's assessment of power realities may be more realistic than clinician's)

idealization or paradoxical gratitude

sense of special or supernatural relationship

acceptance of belief system or rationalizations of perpetrator

6. Alterations in relations with others, including

isolation and withdrawal

disruption in intimate relationships

repeated search for rescuer (may alternate with isolation and withdrawal)

persistent distrust

repeated failures of self-protection

7. Alterations in systems of meaning

loss of sustaining faith

sense of hopelessness and despair

[kitten-forward]

[saccharinetrash]

Fawn Response

[lovefilledwords]

Mother, as in: the first person I loved. The first person to break my heart. The wound that never stops bleeding. The wound. Oh, god, the wound. It's been twenty years, how is it still bleeding?

Mother, I know I was born from your blood. But when will I have bled enough to make up for it?

[borderlesbian]

"ur trauma made u stronger"

wtf no, it absolutely did not, but hey at least it made me funnier 🚬

[vetiverreverie]

I had a really bad episode last year and made these omori inspired art pieces based on the flashbacks I was having.

[diaryofamadgirl]

ever since being sexually assaulted i’ve been so hypersexual. all i think abt is sex sex sex sex sex and it’s so gross and i hate it so much. i told my mom and she just said “push away the sexual thoughts” but i can’t and i’ve tried so hard.

i feel gross and i wanna be pure again it’s all her fault

i wanna die

[amyranoor]

Of all the things that trauma takes away from us, the worst is our willingness, or even our ability, to be vulnerable.

-Brene Brown, Rising Strong

[cold--carnage]

on the crippling reality of how knowing you were innocent doesn't make any of it better

[earthangelrage]

I’ve been wanting to paint this in the style of Tracey Emin for years and I finally drew it on my iPad on procreate. I can’t wait until I’m able to paint this on a canvas. This is about how I’ve only ever felt pretty while having my trauma re-enacted through rough and degrading sex with a partner who did not give a fuck about my well-being. I broke my own heart each time that I recreated my sexual abuse but I also laid it out on a silver platter for the predator to devour it as well. This was a partnered effort that made me feel at home during the act and torn with shame and self disgust afterwards. This piece is the visual representation of sex used as self harm. I know that many victims of csa/sa who have acted out in both sexual and self destructive ways because of what we suffered before. I make this art for many survivors who can relate but also for the survivors who have too much shame to speak out about it. The world has shunned us enough for something that was out of our control so please have compassion and grace towards yourself. Love, Grace <3

[unwelcome-ozian]

Tip 2: Identify your triggers Specific triggers or cues cause you to switch, activate voices in your head, or lead to sudden bouts of amnesia. Being able to anticipate your triggers is a good first step toward managing these intrusive symptoms.

Identifying triggers may involve some note taking. After a switch is over, take note of where you were and when it happened. If you experienced a memory lapse, consider the last thing you remember doing. What sensations can you recall? Were you with another person? And if so, what can you remember from the interaction?

Consider that triggers can be:

Time-related, such as a holiday or anniversary of an event.

Place-related, such as a place where trauma originally occurred.

Relational, such as arguments or criticism from a loved one—anything that evokes negative feelings like shame, rejection, or abandonment.

Internal, including thoughts and feelings.

Sensory, including bodily sensations that may remind you of past trauma, such as rapid heartbeat, hunger, or feeling overheated.

You might be able to simply steer clear of certain triggers, such as locations that remind you of traumatic events and frighten parts of you. However, avoiding triggers is often only a temporary solution. Instead, the eventual goal is to cope with triggers in a healthy way and be less reactive.

Be aware of unhealthy coping strategies that you turn to after experiencing a trigger or a switch. For example, you might feel compelled to self-medicate with alcohol after every stressful argument with a family member.

[smitethestate]

Reading Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery now, and it still contains triggering content including some disturbing details around CSA cases, but the feminist perspective is fantastic and it's putting words to the question of why the fuck we keep letting abusers off the hook. From chapter 1:

To study psychological trauma means bearing witness to horrible events. When the events are natural disasters or "acts of God," those who bear witness sympathize readily with the victim. But when the traumatic events are of human design, those who bear witness are caught in the conflict between victim and perpetrator. It is morally impossible to remain neutral in this conflict. The bystander is forced to take sides.

It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.

I don't know how to stop this cycle, but if you can know, name, and keep in mind the temptation, only then can you resist it. Remember these words and take the hard path.