#So I’m gonna be depressed again and feeling bad
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America is turning into the Handmaids tale. That sentence has been thrown around a lot the past couple years and I think I’m actually starting to believe it. Are we gonna have to go full handmaids tale before you guys start to WAKE UP. What’s it’s going to take for you trump supporters to finally say I’m sorry you told me so to finally feel remorse?
is it?? Perhaps when all immigrants are deported? is it when queer people what? Reform? go to church camps? Get “cured?” or how about when all trans children have committed suicide? How about when every single indigenous person and families have been eradicated? When doctors life saving doctors are being arrested for performing medical procedures? When your diabetic grandmother can no longer afford her insulin because of inflation and she looses a limb?? A world where Palestine isn’t even on a map? how about getting rid of every single Jewish, Muslim non Christian person and religion because “Trump is for Jesus?” Or maybe when states like Florida and California are all underwater for not taking climate change seriously? How about all the black Americans that the cops will and HAVE turned their backs on and will continue doing so? How about when the grocery prices start going up so severely and the stock market crashes again and we will be forced to into another Depression?? When so many forced births are happening more children being born dead? More children being born of rape and incest being put into foster care and the influx of children going into foster care with no where to go and no family. When all the black women you know go missing? When gun violence is so out of control people don’t even feel safe leaving their own houses or going to work or children going to school? What is it going to take for you people to feel empathy? To feel bad about what’ve you’ve done. To feel regret.
I’m going to compare it personally because it seems the only CHANCE of yall feeling remorse is when it has to be affecting you, personally.
when your own happily pregnant daughter has a miscarriage and she’s charged with second degree murder? And her doctor is arrested.
when your five year old son gets shot and killed by a new gun law YOU voted
when your child is going through a vitamin deficiency for your inability to pay for groceries and they start loosing teeth?
When your daughters rapist gets child support
when your retired elderly parents are forced to start working again because of the housing crisis
what needs to happen for yall to wake up and realize what will happen or at the very least what COULD happen.
(I’m sorry with how vulgar and blunt this post is but I just can’t help put it out there HOW and WHAT could happen without pg-ing it sanitizing it better for them to consume and be comfortable with reading. I don’t give a shit, be uncomfortable)
#kamala 2024#donald trump#us politics#destiel#2024 election#november 5th#election 2024#presidential election#american elections
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Being the way I am, I ignore the shit I haven’t processed, but now I’m crying because I don’t want to go to camp
#Last year I was alone#Like earlier I mentioned that I was so upset with being alone that I cried almost every time I wasn’t with someone#Bc it was the first year without my best friend going#Then my next closest friend came to camp late bc she was on a cruise#And she said she felt bad bc she didn’t know I was lonely#And even tho she and the crush are both gonna be there this year#I’m gonna feel so fucking alone bc the bad memories always creep in and I don’t want them to hear that.#I don’t want to go#last year sucked#And it was at the height of my middle of the summer depressive episode#which is coming back#So I’m gonna be depressed again and feeling bad#And I keep remembering my grandpa#Gods I miss him#I keep thinking that he’s still here but it’s been four fucking years#And I had an anxiety attack this morning because I saw someone who looked like my ex best friend#So I’m not doing okay#And I’m alone at home crying#After nearly two weeks of always having a friend right next to me#I want to stop existing
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“Look for the strengths in yourself” this. “Your trauma doesn’t define you or make you inherently wrong” that. Do it out of spite. Value yourself out of spite.
What? Those douchebags told you that you weren’t worth anything? Fuck them! Treat yourself like you’re worth something! Get back at those fuckers!
Those assholes conditioned you into thinking you were terrible by treating you like shit? Condition yourself back! Keep valuing yourself and doing self care over and over until you drown them out. Until they’re as stupid and small in your brain as they are in real life.
Fucking win the emotional manipulation game! Win it! Draw something shit because it makes you feel happy! What, you can’t say no to people because you’re not worth as much as them? Fuck that! Say no all the time! Treat yourself like the most important person in the universe because they would hate it!
#so had a epiphany with a client the other day#essentially this#spite is the best way to do anything#and yes I’m in the mental health field#which would shock the tumblr bot who saw my blog and tried to send me to a therapy blog#which was adorable but jesus#and shocking to people who’ve commented saying I’m way to cynical about mental health and asking if I’m okay#I’m so unbelievably stable I help other people get stable lmao#it’s just sometimes the sunshine and rainbows approach works for people#and sometimes it doesn’t#and I’m just incredible super blunt about how I feel and experience things#which is sometimes yucky when it’s mental health or cptsd or my experience being neurodivergent in this society#you have points when your brain isn’t gonna believe that you’re good#that things can get better#rationally you will but emotionally your brain has conditioned itself out of hope and self regard#so sometimes you gotta motivate yourself with anger and spite#those assholes don’t deserve your life#and then you’ll get to the actual hope and happy feelings point#and then you’ll drop again#because this is how it works#and yucky emotions are not always bad or shameful#sometimes spite and anger is justified and can motivate you to change#sometime stress helps you survive#sometimes sadness helps you stop and realise somethings wrong#fuck depression though that one is just bad#(I’m kidding lmao)#seriously for me who gets depressive spirals often#and likely will for my entire life#depression feelings tells me I haven’t been making time for myself#and I’m overwhelmed
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oh, random thursday in october, i wish you’d go fuck yourself <3
#anyways i’m depressed today#and i’m not gonna jump ahead and be all ‘i’m in a depressive episode’#bc the jury’s still out on that one#but it’s not often that i a have a random day of depression that isn’t followed by a full episode#which is great!#granted i could also be coming on my period#bc i do feel bloated and also just all round gross#but also could maybe be both#that happens at times#my period doesn’t discriminate against my depressive episodes#when she comes she comes she doesn’t care#i also don’t know if it’s gonna be a full manic episode again#or like as bad as it was back in june#bc i was really bad in june#like at least the mania back in february gave me a break#june was just none stop horrors™️#why has this year been the longest year of my fuckin life#and that literally includes the years i was going through severe medical trauma#i’m really really lonely also#but i feel like i’m bothering everyone#what fuckin else is new?#sorry to everyone i say i’ll be there for and then i’m never there ✌🏻🤪✌🏻#i’m not exactly the safe place i wish i could be#i’m not even a safe place for MYSELF#so you’re probably better off#i don’t know if i deserve to ask ppl to talk to me when i won’t do the same thing x#okay but the thing is i know i can get through this bc i always do#i just wish i didn’t have to#bc shit’s fucking exhausting to constantly go through every few months#like we get it i have a depressive disorder 😒
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I’m 23 and I still feel stuck. younger than young. older than old. most importantly, I feel stuck
#bwaugh#I think it’s cause Covid struck at the end of my teen years and then nothing was the same#I’m. sick#and I’m tired and I’m happily in love and I’m terribly lonely at the same time#I’m trapped in my safe space but it doesn’t feel like prison because I’m here on my own accord#mostly#I want to live but I also don’t want to live enough if that makes sense#I’m so angry at life that I’m numb for the most part#and I feel like I’m being punished for being depressed#I think. this is just internalized ableism and I’m mourning a life that k was never gonna have#and now I’m like. going thru the stages of grief and varying intervals#I’m very self aware I just wished it helped more#I’m getting so good at understanding my feelings ^_^ so that’s progress#but yeah. I wanna live so bad I wanna die. so I can live again
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August… time to get spooky.
#dadbots.txt#this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes.#I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh.#idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs.#best way to describe it LOL#been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just.#where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda.#just one of those moments yknow.#it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest -#- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing.#I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it.#I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month -#and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really.#don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often#and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow.#maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year.#not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat#though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all.#won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well.#and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really?#shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year.#I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now.#let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way.#hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽
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I’m suppose to paint but my moral is so low right now…
#i Need to do it today cause I forced my dad to go buy the thing so I could do it yesterday (but I slept 5h I was afraid of making mistake)#but I didn’t so I need to do it today cause it will take more than a day and I seriously need to find a job#my health is on line two now I need to go for my eyes and that cost money money that I don’t have at all#i feel like my body is dropping me like how can it be possible to have so many problems at the same time ?????#like they are all pretty minor I’m not gonna d*e but it still really annoying especially when you wanna live your life#but you don’t have force to do it#Sowon also needs food again and I’m not sure if my parents can help me again… I’m loosing my mind#also my brother feeling depress and I feel like my dad cares so much about it more than mine ????#maybe he dosen’t realise it or maybe I don’t show it as much so that would be on me#but without having end up in the hospital I feel like I’m at pretty much the same level as him 😐#except that I force myself to enjoy what I love so I don’t end up worst than I am which he stopped doing#there’s already a gigantic favouritism on my dad side with my brother so maybe I’m just crazy and scared my dad end up feeling the same way#maybe it’s just being scared of it and not the reality idk but it’s messing with my brain so bad I’m tired#but also I can’t even tell my dad one of the biggest reason I got depressed in the first place but at this point he would tell me to get#over it I’m pretty sure 🙄#anyway I’m gonna go paint I guess#wish me luck for everything it seriously need to stop 😭#alex.txt#tw negative#tw negativity
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#sorry y’all I’ve honestly been super depressed#bad time to be an environmental science/climate educator#and a parent of young children#we’re not gonna act in time#we’ve known what to do for decades and it’s just becoming so apparent that we’re just not gonna do it#because profits or whatever#and I’m just so tired of fighting it#and thinking it’s gonna change#and while realistically I know it’s not completely hopeless (yet)#it really feels that way some times#anyway#that’s where I’m at these days#hopefully it wont take me too long to get my mental health right again#honestly I’m starting to hate summer because this happens almost every year now#tag rant#delete later
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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i’m coping so well i’m doing so well at keeping my mental health symptoms in check
#abc shut it#i wanna lash out abt stuff so bad but i’m not bc what good is that gonna do me#but god my raw reaction when i’m feeling crippling depressed over things is to just get aggressive#(haven’t been doing a perfect job but i think i’m doing better)#but again i wanna lash out but i refuse to let that happen gamers we are COPING
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I! Fucking! Hate! Uni!
#we’re a week in and I’m already done. I’m so tired#thank god I’m taking next semester off. Work sucks too but at least it doesn’t have homework#I really gotta look into getting a therapist again. maybe to work on getting whatever the fucking is going on with me diagnosed#but also just so I can at least try to work on the sort of. all consuming hopelessness that comes with being a college student#it just sucks. Like I didn’t feel great during the summer either but at least I had my best friend and the sun and some free time#now it’s. fuck all. all day every day is school#my room is a mess. I don’t have the time or energy to clean it#im lonely bc im always lonely#legit the only thing getting me through rn is my gf hyperfixation and that’s not gonna last forever#thinking about ford 24/7 can only be effective for so long before the bad thoughts start creeping back in#it just sucks. I hate being depressed. I hate that I can’t tell if it’s all school’s fault either. Am I just gonna be like this forever?#fuck this stupid baka life or whatever
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#every time I call someone my best friend they turn into a fucking problem that just hurts me and makes me sick#is it me? am I doing something wrong? am I not supposed to have close friends?#or am I just such a fuckup that by being myself it’s inevitable that I’ll ruin my friendships?#kissed my bro on the cheek last week when he wasn’t doing too great and in my mind I was doing it just as an extra way to be encouraging#and show my support and that I’m here for him cause tbh I’ve done that with plenty of other friends and it ain’t no thing#but after a week of wondering why he’s been distant and not wanting to be around me when I’m saying I just need some time with a friend he#finally admits that he thought that was weird and out of line. so I gotta backtrack and try to explain myself but now all the stupid little#pieces be fitting and I realize that he’s probably been misconstruing me wanting time with him as thinking I’m gonna try to flirt with him#or something else fucking dumb like that. despite the fact that that has never been the case and he knows me fundamentally as a person and#should know I wouldn’t ever do anything that could make either of us cheaters even incidentally. plus he’s basically like a brother to me#and I have an AFAB partner so it’s not like I’m trolling for cock anyway and he knows that too. but now I gotta go back through every#interaction we’ve had since that happened and analyze whether or not I was weird or awkward or inappropriate in some way that he could be#upset about at all. and also act like everything is fine and keep it pushing like normal and police every future action to be safe too#because of course he can’t just be straight up about anything or tell me if something bothered him no I gotta play a whole ass fucking#guessing game. and now I also can’t trust that my best friend who is supposed to know me so well won’t take things I say/do the wrong way.#can’t trust that my best friend won’t see me in a poor light now because it’s clearly been affecting the friendship#and like totally that’s my bad I overstepped a boundary I didn’t realize was there but you should have just fucking told me at the time#instead of pulling this shit and giving me anxiety and blowing me off and making me feel like shit#can’t rely on him or trust him or anything and what’s the fucking point of even having a best friend if this is what happens? I’m at the end#of my fucking rope right now so stressed and anxious and no matter how much I try to talk to him or anything he just brushes me off and#won’t let me explain or get my feelings out or anything else. but hey at least I was around for him the other day when he needed somebody#good thing I was there to keep him from going back to drinking or something else stupid and could help him out. cause that’s what really#matters right just being able to help somebody else when they need it even if they don’t reciprocate and are actively hurting me instead of#just being there for me as a friend. guess we try again tomorrow huh? what else can be done I suppose. just get to suffer and be riddled#with anxiety and stress and depression eating away at me and ruining my fucking life. can’t even enjoy the Olympics or anything else because#I’m stuck overthinking this dumb shit. just want this to be over and things to be back to normal. wanna stop being upset about this shit and#be able to let it go but I don’t fucking know how and I can’t keep losing friends because it’s killing me#personal
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me… sad boy
#I was going to whine a lot but why lot word when few word do trick?#I have been… soooooo anxious and depressed and I feel like I’m going to die soon & the world is ending the world is empty & I’m alone in it#I feel so sick#I need to get out and do something. I always need to get out and I never do and I’m dumb#so maybe I’ll just get messed up and stay in my room#I can’t sleep. I wake up tired and hurting. I can’t do anything.#woe is fucking me amirite?#also I just finished Black Sails and I cried a lot. why did I think getting emotionally attached to a show and finishing it was smart?#that’s not important. I mean it is but not really. what’s important is I constantly feel like the end is always looming over me#I miss my therapist but I’m scared to ever see him again.#same reason I’m scared to be around anyone outside of my immediate family: I’m a failure & I can’t bear to see that reflected in their eyes#so he joins a long list of people I can’t talk to anyone along with my dad and countless old friends#hey wait why did I segue to this?#boo hoo#analytically. logically. I can look past this and see how irrational these thoughts are#but goddamn if there’s not something chemical that just makes me feel sick and scared and I’m having a doozy of a time living with it#because Ian you need to work on long term goals. not just quick fixes like I dunno fucking eating pizza or playing video games#sorry. just wanted to vent. it’s been building up in me for days and I needed a quick whine#I shaved. I’m gonna get a haircut maybe tomorrow. if only to stave off my unhealthy feelings of ‘just shave your head at 3am’#my mom is finally reaching the point where she doesn’t need me to chauffeur her around all the time#and my brothers are finishing their semesters at school and also both have licenses now#so I think I can stop using those as excuses and try to… I dunno. live for myself now. that sounds cheesy.#gonna go get a low paying job doing something mindless so I can have extra cash for being alive#god I need a hug so bad#that’s not even… like… not even a lighthearted joke. I think if someone sincerely held me for a few minutes it would fix me. a little bit.#this is too much information#sorry I love you goodbye forever#but hey… really… I love ya… I mean maybe. not really. kind of. I appreciate ya and I’m here for ya… in spirit. like a ghost. a cool ghost.#you can ignore this#text
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i have GOT to stop cursing myself for my mental health not being good, or for having literal human emotions, (as if i didn’t suffer a manic episode literally two months ago and i’m still recovering and healing from it)
#okay but literally why was february the longest month of my life and march was five seconds long?#and now april is going fast too#my dad has being going on about our holiday for like months and now it’s less than two weeks away#i’m anxious about it tbh#it’s my first big trip in like almost five years#and like i wanna go i wanna live my life#bc i know if i stay home i’ll regret it#but every time i think about going i feel a little nervous#for reasons that i don’t even really know#residual manic depression feels and the internalised ableism that *reallly* got bad during said episode is making me feel sick with nerves#a lot lately and i don’t know i want freedom and independence and a life and i’m trying so hard and ehhhhh#idk i repeat the same shit a lot but it’s a big problem but it’s not something i can change but that doesn’t mean i just stop feeling bad#about it#‘healing isn’t linear’ yeah fuckin tell me about it#idk if i dip in and out that’s why#not that most people would really notice or care#but if you’re interested yeah wow gwen’s off on a weird one again! big surprise!#i take the piss to cope but anywaysssss#just feel like a clown lately like ‘honk honk’ that’s me#said i wasn’t gonna curse myself for feeling bad then immediately did#i’m trying to unlearn that amongst many other things sighsssssssssss#anyways whatever
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I don’t think my remake fatigue is only pointed at REvil honestly. it’s like everything is a remake or a reboot or whateva
#like I really really loved the remakes we have#3 was the weakest link but it was rlly fun#we haven’t finished 4 yet but I know it’s gonna be one of my fav games ever#but#idk it seems like everything has to be a remake or a reboot or a reimagining#there’s always adaptions and stuff and those r cool#this is also my fault for not branching out ironically enough#idk I think a lot of media banks on nostalgia not that it’s a bad thing#but like do sumn new#it’s like how I’m not burnt out in superheroes I love superheroes#I’m burnt out on big budget mcu films#I loveeed the Batman and it rlly felt the most accurate on screen batman ever so it’s clearly not just about originality#idk#I want to consume less media but as an artist I need to#witch hat atelier felt like. idk it made me feel like a kid again#it’s weird I can watch shows over and over again. but I think I’m growing out of that now#maybe it’s just a byproduct of getting older#or maybe it’s just my depression#yknow that guy was right. I do talk more clearer in my tags#I spose that’s something I oughta work on
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insane that i’m the biggest disappointment of a child for smoking weed but the child that’s emotionally abusive is fine
#i??? do not understand my parents#like ok yes it is bad that my room smells of weed and is messy#but!#feels real fucking weird that my mum gets more upset with me about that than my sister being the literal devil incarnate#and not in a fun way#like dinner last night i literally did not say a single word bc me. just speaking. apparently triggers izzy and i think i literally just#acknowledged a joke being made and she started her whole. you need to leave. get out. you’re the problem. everyone hates you. shtick#and my mums response is can you just be nice to each other#???????????#GIRL I DIDNT DO A FUCKING THING#I KNOW YOU DONT LIKE CONFLICT AND THE CONFLICT APpArENtLy ONLY OCCURS WHEN IM PRESENT#(it doesn’t. she’s even worse to my mum but mum never. fucking does anything about it#which yeah i do get bc defending urself or literally just saying or reacting in anyway than what The Devil wants you to ends up a mess)#but maybe use two fucking braincells and realise i’m not the worst one here??#i’m actually gonna go insane#also it’s like. lowkey so funny that mums disappointed bc she thinks i haven’t been smoking for months#which i have!! u just haven’t fuckin realised it bestie!! so maybe the reason i am being depressed and useless rn is related to uhh the#fucking demon that’s living in the house again???#not because weed is so evil and brain rotting??#also like i do completely get how silly of me it is to blame everything on my sister when i am aware that my mum hates me smoking weed and#i shouldn’t get a free pass just because my sister is worse than me#but also.#i would like a free pass:(#basically! i should move out lol#but unfortuately i have spent all of my savings#can’t wait to spend 12 hours in the car with all of them tomorrow!!#ah you know when u look back at the times you were gonna kill urself and wish you just fucking did#vent post
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