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dbnightingale24 · 3 years

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Make Me Better

Chapter 6

To anyone who bothers to read this story, I promise I haven’t and I’m so sorry I took so long to update this. I’ve been busy with a million other things and it just kept getting putting off. Anyway, I’ve already started working on the next chapter, so hopefully it’ll be up soon!! I hope you all enjoy this chapter!!

Warnings: MINORS DNI/18+, drinking, underage drinking, thoughts of infidelity, emotional cheating, anger, depression, anxiety, angst (it’s me, y’all show knows that already), slight arguing, swearing, a real fuckin’ slow burn...I think that's it?

Word Count: 4884

I do not consent or give permission for my stories/works to be posted elsewhere.

Previous Chapters: Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5,

“So, you and President Rogers huh?” Tara mused as they ate fish tacos on the beach.

“What are you even talking about?” Sarah laughed, keeping her attention on the waves rolling in.

“I wasn’t as asleep as you two thought. I just wanted him to carry me,” Tara smirked and Sarah couldn’t help but let out a loud laugh.

“You’re truly awful.”

“Hey, I’m just trying to make it through the day,” she shrugged.

“How are you feeling?” Sarah asked sincerely.

“I don’t know,” Tara shrugged, finishing up her second taco before grabbing her third. “Some moments I’m okay, other moments I just wanna cry, and sometimes I just want the world to swallow me whole. This is the most okay I’ve felt since everything happened,” she spoke honestly, turning her attention to Sarah. “I don’t wanna talk about me right now, I wanna talk about you and Steve,” she laughed softly.

“Him,” Sarah laughed softly, before finishing up her shrimp burrito. “that’s...there’s so much to that.”

“Do you love him?”

“More than I could ever express.”

“Then why not be with him?”

“1. He’s married. 2. He’s the President of the United States, and I don’t want that kind of attention, and 3....”

“3?”

“I’m not enough for him,” she sighed.

“Sarah-”

“I’m not even speaking badly about myself,” she humorlessly laughed. “He’s over 100 by now and he’s seen and done so much. He’s fought in wars, he’s an Avenger, he’s been in love with two Carters, hes fought aliens, fought the government...then there’s me.”

“You’ve had your own battles,” Tara reminded her lovingly, giving her a soft nudge.

“Nothing compared to-”

“Don’t do that,” she interjected with a warning tone. “Don’t belittle all the things you’ve done and gone through. You tell me all the time that everyone has their own battles and wars to fight, and that no ones war is smaller or bigger than anyone else’s. That applies to this too.”

“I appreciate the accolade,” Sarah smiled “but this is by no means the same. He almost died. Shit, he did die.”

“He was asleep, at best,” Tara chuckled “besides, you’ve had a few close calls yourself.”

“That was different,” Sarah exhaled before taking a sip of her juice. “It’s just better this way. He needs to figure his shit out and I just need to get over it,” she smiled softly towards her sister, before returning her gaze to the ocean.

“Knew I’d find you two here,” Bucky smiled, making his way towards them barefoot, with his shoes in hand.

“Is my presence needed?” Sarah smirked.

“Unfortunately it is,” he laughed, “Steve said he gave you the morning off and now it’s time for you to return back to the world of politics,” he smiled sympathetically.

“Where is he?”

“Waiting for you in the lobby at the hotel.”

“Let’s go,” Sarah smiled towards Tara.

“I can hangout with her while you work,” Bucky suggested, “I have some time before I have to resume Vice Presidential duties.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I don’t mind at all.”

“You okay with that?” Sarah asked, glancing to Tara.

“You will not hear a single complaint out of me,” Tara smiled and Sarah and Bucky shared a laugh..

She gave them one final wave before heading back to the hotel, her mind replaying the conversation she just had with her sister. In the end, it really made no sense for her and Steve to be together. He was a Super Soldier turned President and she was just...well....Sarah. Sure, she had her own personal battle scars and own traumas to deal with on her own, but it was nothing compared to what Steve had gone through. Her looks? Nothing compared to Sharon and Peggy. She was too ordinary in her own mind for any of this to make sense.

Yeah, Steve and Sarah bonded over life experiences, but to her, it just didn’t feel the same. She didn’t feel like she could ever add up to someone that would be good enough for him.

Someone who could keep him happy and satisfied.

“Someone’s thinking awfully hard,” Steve mumbled as he met her in the lobby. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“Nothing you’d find interesting,” she muttered, brushing away any straggling sand off her before putting her shoes back on.

“Everything about you interests me,”he whispers to her sincerely.

“Don’t, you’re on in 5 minutes.”

“I wanna see you later.”

“Well, I can’t see you.”

“Sarah-”

“You’re the leader of the free world, Steve. You have to stop this.”

“And what if I don’t want to?” he asked, finally meeting her gaze. When she said nothing, he took a step closer. “There’s something here, Sarah. I won’t always be married to Sharon, and when that’s over, I’m still going to pursue you. There’s no point in continuing to fight this,” he finished softly.

“President Rogers, they’re ready for you,” Press Secretary Parker smiled towards him.

“Go dazzle ‘em,” Sarah smiled, fixing his tie before softly nudging him in the direction of the ballroom.

Before making his way inside, he turned to her and gave her a small wink.

Sarah did everything she could to focus on what she needed to have together by the time his speech was over. They needed to head back to DC, but Steve was all she could focus on. Steve was all she could ever focus on. She hated him for making promises that he wasn’t sure he could keep, but it just made her want him even more. Steve could be a grade A player, but he was good as hell at hiding it.

“How’s it going?” Bucky asked, as he and Tara approached her, ripping her from her thoughts.

“Well, nobody’s thrown a tomato at him, so I’m gonna assume that all of the bullshit from the night before was worth it,” she chuckled. “How about you two? Is she a future politician?” Sarah asked, motioning towards Tara.

“No, but I do see a great career for her in comedy,” Bucky smiled as Tara laughed.

“That’s two people in two days telling me how funny you are,” Sarah teased.

“What can I say? It’s the trauma,” Tara shrugged.

Sarah merely shook her head and laughed softly. “Make sure you have everything you need, we’re leaving when he’s done.”

“Alright, let me double check the room,” Tara smiled before running off.

“How is she?” Sarah asked Bucky once Tara disappeared into the elevator.

“She’s doing her best. I didn’t pry but I let her know that I’m here if she needs to talk. We mainly walked along the beach and compared childhoods,” he chuckled. “We talked about you and Steve.”

“That’s funny, because there’s nothing to talk about.”

“Sarah, you know he truly cares for you.”

“And you know he’s married.”

“Be that as it may, why are you talking yourself down?”

“Because, in what world does it make sense? Plus, it’s such a fucking cliche. The older man falling for a younger woman? C’mon.”

“Well, in Steve’s defense, a 90 year old would still be a younger woman.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Sarah laughed, pushing him playfully.

“Seriously though, don’t count yourself out so fast. Don’t cancel out your own happiness before you give it a chance.”

“Buck-”

“I mean it, Sarah,” Bucky sternly interrupted, “you don’t know him like I do. The talks we’ve had...he’s serious, Sarah.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be helping him strategize plans of attack for wars? Helping him come up plans for peace?”

“What can I say? I’m a wearer of many hats,” Bucky smirks as Tara makes her way back over to them. Steve’s speech comes to an end.

Steve receives a rambunctious round of applause, and in that moment, Sarah knows he’s happy he changed the speech. As he walks out of the hotel ballroom, Nat and and Bruce on his heels, he sends a quick and warm smile Sarah’s way before continuing out the building.

The flight back was filled with cheers; even Steve had two glasses of champagne while Tara is making plans for her to visit Sarah during her Summer break. Sarah could feel his eyes on her from time to time, but she forced herself to ignore it. She needed to focus and get things done. She couldn’t do that if she kept getting lost in his gaze and all of the promises it held. All of the promises she wanted to believe.

When they landed in DC, Wanda was waiting on the lawn with a list of things that Steve needed to address. Sarah kept her sister close to her side as they headed back inside of the White House, knowing how overwhelmed she felt. She used to feel the same way.

“Looks like it’s gonna be a late night,” Steve sighed once they were back inside the Oval.

“It can’t be that bad,” Sarah sighed, giving a fragile smile.

“There’s conflict going on that could lead to another war. I need to start working on another speech to address the families whose lives have been devastated by that tornado that touched down in Oklahoma City last night, which I should’ve started on already, apparently. I need to decide on some things for my fucking birthday party, Sharon and I have some ambassador thing that I need to start prepping for, and a list of other shit,” Steve took a deep breath dropping the pieces of paper down on his desk before running a frustrated hand through his hair.

“Let me go give my sister the keys to my apartment and some money for dinner, and you and I can get started,” Sarah smiled sympathetically.

“No, your sister needs you-”

“Steve, you can’t do this by yourself and it’s my job. If I leave you to the care of Bucky and Co., you’ll have half the staff ready to quit by tomorrow morning,” she chuckled softly as Steve gave her a little smile.

“I know how much...thank you,” he said sheepishly.

“Don’t mention it,” she smiled as she left.

Tara wasn’t happy about not being able to spend more time with her sister, but she understood why not.

“Maybe you two can figure out a way to be together,” Tara cheered softly.

“Maybe you and Vice President Barnes can stop cheering for me to be a home-wrecker,” Sarah sarcastically sighed.

“That home’s already wrecked,” Tara shrugged, “no reason for you both to be unhappy.”

“If only it were that simple. If you need me, I want you to call me. Do not text me, call me. If it gets too lonely or it feels like too much, come back here. I will leave information with security upfront for you so no one will give you a hard time. Do you understand me?”

“I’m okay, Sarah.”

“No you’re not, and it’s perfectly fine because you’ve been through a lot. I feel terrible, but right now is just super busy and I have multiple bills to pay. I promise-”

“Please don’t apologize. You told me that right now wasn’t a good time and I chose to come out anyway. It’s not like we made plans and you’re canceling on me.”

“You came out here because you need me,” Sarah sniffled out. She really did feel like a pile of shit for leaving her sister on her own. “I’ll get you a car service-”

“No, I think I wanna walk.”

“Tara, that’s like a 30-40 minute walk.”

“I’ve got headphones to keep me company,” she smiled. “It’ll do me some good I think.”

“Are you sure?”

“I promise.”

“Fine. Text me as soon as you get to my place.”

“Will do.”

“I mean it,” Sarah warned.

“Damn, okay mom. I promise to text you when I reach home and let you know that I am safe and sound,” Tara smiled sarcastically.

“You fucking better,” Sarah mumbled, wrapping her sister in a tight hug, “and you better not drink all my damn wine.”

“I make no promises,” she chuckled.

“Asshole. Hugs and kisses,” she muttered before kissing her sister’s forehead.

“Lots of love,” Tara replied before giving her sister a kiss on the cheek.

With that, Tara was on her way out the door and Sarah watched with misty eyes, quietly promising her that she’d find a way to make things up to her little sister.

Sarah had been in the Oval with the rest of the staff for the last 5 hours, helping where she could and responding to her sister’s texts whenever she got the chance.

Little Bear: You know what you should do? On his birthday, you should wear a red sequin dress and sing ‘Happy Birthday, Mr. President’!

Sarah: Why are you like this?

Little Bear: What? So charming and funny? Idk man, I guess I’m just God’s favorite.

Sarah: Lmfaoo are you drunk?!

Little Bear: Maaaayyyyybe just a little bit.

Sarah: Put the wine down and get some rest.

Little Bear: but then I won’t be up when you come home!

Sarah: That’s exactly the point, because I don’t know when I’m getting home.

Little Bear: Tell your boyfriend that your sister would like to spend time with you.

Sarah: 1. He’s not my boyfriend. 2. Do you need me to come home?

Little Bear: No no, I just wanna hangout.

Sarah: I told you, you can come here.

Little Bear: I’m already in my jammies and feeling cozy. I’m just gonna sleep on the sofa.

Sarah: Take my bed, it’s comfier.

Little Bear: No, I took the bed last night. Besides, like I said, I’m already cozy. Can we hangout tomorrow?

Sarah: I promise, now get some rest. Hugs and kisses.

Little Bear: Lots. Of. LOVEEEE!!!

Sarah chuckled to herself before tucking her phone away.

“Everything okay?” Steve asked as the rest of the cabinet members started to trickle out.

“Sorry, yeah everything is fine. She’s just a little buzzed,” Sarah scoffed. “She’s going to sleep now though.”

“You let her drink?”

“Don’t get all judge-y on me now,” Sarah smirked.

“I’m not, I just-”

“She’s a teen, Steve. Hell, she’ll be 17 come December. I’ve never gone out of my way to buy her booze, but I’m not surprised that she’s had a few drinks before. I am going to talk to her about using it as a coping mechanism, cause that’s definitely not a habit I want her to fall into.”

“Is that something you know about first hand?”

“It is,” she confessed with a soft, sad look.

“Is it selfish of me to keep you here so I can learn everything about you?” he asked, his gaze full of wonder, love, and concern.

“You know it is,” she replied looking away. The weight that his gaze held was too much for her.

“President Rogers, the Canadian Prime Minister is on the phone for you,” Wanda said cautiously, poking her head into the room.

“Thank you, Wanda. I’ve got it.”

“I’ll head out. You know where I am if you need me,” Sarah said timidly, before getting up and making her way out. A genuine smile came to her face when she saw Bucky at her desk with a plate of fries and a cheeseburger. “Well, well, well,” she chuckled, taking a seat.

“He never brings me anything,” Wanda teased.

“Doll, I bring you my love and affection every day and you turn me down every day,” he replied with faux sadness.

“You’re annoying, Vice President Barnes. Sooo annoying,” she laughed as she sat at her own desk.

“What’s the special occasion?” she laughed softly, taking the plate from him as he stole a fry.

“Nothing really, you’ve had a rough few days and I thought this might help a little bit. A little birdie told me that ‘Good Stuff Eatery’ is one of your favorite burger places here in Washington.”

“Remind me to thank Tara,” Sarah beamed before taking a bite of the sandwich, a small moan escaping her lips.

“Now go do that in front of Steve,” Bucky teased softly.

“Oh my God! Stop it!” she laughed, hitting him playfully.

“I’m just trying to speed things along,” he shrugged.

“Fuck you,” she smiled, dipping a fry in ketchup before eating it. “I had no clue I was this hungry,” she laughed.

“Like I said, you’ve had a rough few days. Your favorite food will do you some good.”

“Yeah, until I have to abuse myself at the gym,” she groaned.

“A little cardio never hurt anyone,” he teased.

“Says the super soldier,” she mused, rolling her eyes.

“It does have its perks,” he chuckled. “How’s your sister?”

“She’s alright. Buzzed and asleep on my sofa,” she finished with a heavy sigh before taking another bite of her burger.

“She’s gonna be okay, Sarah. She’s strong, she’s smart, and she has you. I think her and her boyfriend are gonna get back together though,” he muttered slowly through gritted teeth.

“You don’t like Tyler?”

“No, and you shouldn’t either.”

“Alright dad,” Sarah laughed, handing him another french fry, “didn’t know you cared so much.”

“She’s the little sister of my best friend’s girl. Of course I care,” he smirked before taking a bite of the fry.

“I’m not his girl, Buck. Don’t. Don’t start putting thoughts in my head,” Sarah frowned as she leaned back in her chair.

“I’m not putting anything in your head that isn’t true.”

“It’s wrong.”

“I never said it wasn’t. Trust me, I know how much of a dickhead I sound like. I love Sharon, but the two of them together just doesn’t work. They’re not right for each other and they never have been.”

“Well, I never told him to rush to be with her.”

“Imagine being the best friend who tried to talk him out of it,” Bucky smiled weakly.

“What do you want me to do? Pretend that what I feel isn’t wrong? Pretend-”

“It’s not wrong, Sarah. Anyone who sees you two together can see that you two belong together. He loves you so much-”

“I can’t hear this right now, Buck. I can’t,” she sighed in defeat before finishing her burger.

“I’m just saying, it’s something to think about.”

“No it isn’t,” she exhaled. “Also, you shouldn’t hate Tyler. He’s just a kid, they both are, and everyone handles things differently.”

“He shouldn’t just ignore what happened and try to resume as if everything is normal.”

“And she shouldn’t have skipped town, and now lay drunk and asleep on my sofa. Everyone handles things differently. They just need to talk and figure it out, which I’m sure they will.”

“How are you so sure?”

“You haven’t seen them together, I have,” she smirked. “They’ll figure it out.”

“The same can be said for you and Steve,” Bucky smiled.

Just then, the door to the Oval opened to reveal a very exhausted Steve. “Sarah, you can head home,” he breathed with a soft smile.

“President Rogers, I was wondering if I could take-”

“Don’t even worry about it. I’ll see you on Monday,” he smiled at her before turning his attention to Bucky. “May I see you in my office?” he asked, his tone a little more firm.

Bucky looked from Steve to Sarah before connecting the dots with a slight eye roll. “Be right there, President Rogers,” he said with a deep breath before turning his attention to Sarah. “Think about what I said and get home safe,” he smiled towards before getting off her desk and making his way into the Oval.

Sarah gave them both one final small smile, before gathering her things and heading out. She bid Wanda a goodnight before deciding that she would walk home herself, as the words of both her sister and Bucky rolled around in her head. She had a lot to figure out.

Steve’s P.O.V

“So, what was that about?” Steve asked as he poured both he and Bucky a glass of Scotch.

“Don’t,” Bucky warned before taking a seat on the sofa.

“I’m just trying to figure out if I have competition or not,” Steve shrugged nonchalantly. “You do love to chase women.”

“Don’t be an asshole,” Bucky warned.

“Of all the women-”

“I’m not going after Sarah, dickhead,” Bucky snapped, “I’m trying to help your dumbass out. You know there’s only one woman I want,” he muttered before downing his drink and pouring himself another.

Steve softened his stance. “You know she’s in love with Bruce.”

“That doesn’t seem to stop you from pursuing Sarah,” Bucky chuckled humorlessly.

“She’s not in love with someone else.”

“Yeah, but Sharon’s in love with you and Sarah was in love with Dominick.”

“You’ve proven your point,” Steve says flatly, “besides, Dominick was a piece of shit.”

“He’s only a piece of shit because you love Sarah.”

“So what?” Steve huffed like a petulant child.

“She’s scared, Steve. She’s scared and she has every right to be. Do you fully understand what you’re asking of her? Do you understand-”

“Of course I do,” Steve interrupted, crossing his arms, “I wouldn’t go into this blindly.”

“You don’t think you’re being a little selfish?”

“I made a move on her, Buck. I know how fucking selfish I’m being.”

“I’m sorry, you did what?” Bucky snorted.

“I couldn’t help myself. She was so angry and gorgeous. You know how I get when she’s all riled up and I’m the reason she is,” he frowned. “I’m not proud of it. It fucked up everything and put on more pressure on her than I meant to.”

“So...now what?”

“I have no fucking clue!” he griped, frustrated. “If Sharon would just give me this fucking divorce-”

“Which is something you know she won’t,” Bucky interjected, matter-of-factly. “So now you have to make a choice.”

“I’ve made my choice.”

“You know what I mean, Steve. Either stick it out in your marriage until your term is over, or go public about this divorce because that’s the only way she’ll cave.”

“I can’t go public because it’ll blow back on Sarah and that’s the last thing I want.”

“What do you mean?”

“She’ll want to know why I’m pushing so hard and I’ll tell her it’s because I’m in love with someone else. She’ll investigate and snoop until she finds out who it is, and she’ll go public with that. I can’t do that to Sarah. I can’t and I don’t want to. That woman...she’s my world, Buck. I would burn down cities...countries if it meant I could keep her safe, happy, and in my arms,” he sighed pathetically, wanting to cry but thinking better of it.

“Shit.”

“When I tell you that I’ve thought of every possible outcome, I mean it. I obviously don’t want to sneak around, I think the world of her and there’s nothing to hide, but to thrust her into the limelight like that? To force her to take on the roll of First Lady? That’s not love, Buck. That’s selfish.”

“So is having an affair, Steve.”

“I don’t even care about the affair at this point. I just want her to believe that I’ll wait for her. No matter what or how long it takes, I’ll be here waiting for her.”

There was a heavy silence in the room before Wanda poked her head in and told them that the call they were waiting for was on line 2.

As Bucky spoke with Stark about weapons and plans of attack with Thor by his side, Steve barely paid attention. He’d fought Nazis, aliens, bad guys, gone into space, and even been brought back to life, but none of that seemed to hold much weight in comparison to how much he loved Sarah.

How much he desperately needed her.

Bucky could tell that Steve was in no condition to be of any real help, so he basically took over the call as Steve tried to figure out what the hell to do. Everything he thought of just seemed selfish or forbidden. The only thing that he was absolutely sure of was that he wouldn’t be able to contain his feelings much longer.

taglist: @whxre4cevans, @sweetflowerdreams, @fuckingbye

#marvel fanfic #marvel fan fiction #Marvel Universe #marvel fanfiction #Marvel AU #President Steve Rogers #president! steve rogers #Steve Rogers #Steven Grant Rogers #fanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic #fan fic #Marvel MCU #Captain America #President Rogers #Captain America AU #President! Captain America

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ptergwen · 4 years

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sensation

w/c: 4.6k

warnings: some swearing, suggestive tings, and a pretty bad ending

summary: it’s the last night of your world tour, and tom has the perfect way to celebrate

a/n: i know y’all have been waiting for this one! everyone really loved when worlds collide but i ran out of ideas for it lol sorry... anyways my solution was to turn it into a oneshot :D based off the au!! i’m honestly nervous about posting this cuz a lot of you asked for it and i don’t wanna disappoint but i tried my absolute hardest to make it special <3 please enjoy

“thank you so much! we love you!” you shout to the audience, laughing breathlessly when they shout back. one of your dancers pulls you into a side hug, you throwing your arm around his neck. “we’re so fucking lucky you chose us, that you came all the way here. i’ve seen some of you back at night one. wow.” your voice gets wobbly, thinking about how loyal your fans are.

the tour started in new york, and they’ve followed you here to london.

tonight is an emotional night for everyone. you’re about to wrap your last show before you continue again in the summer. touring the u.k. has been a dream, and you’re just as thrilled to travel the rest of the world after your break. it’s bittersweet because you’re going to miss the hell out of your crew and the millions of lovely faces you’ve sang to each week. but, you do get to spend your time off with a special someone.

he’s watching you from the sound booth, sending fond smiles and loud cheers your way. thanks to you, tom has been at every show you’ve played in england. he brought harry along this time because he’s also a fan and wanted to see you. well, tom is more than a fan at this point. you’d say he’s more of a boyfriend. you haven’t discussed labels just yet.

your dates have mainly been over facetime, since you live on opposite sides of the world with insane schedules. a heartthrob actor and international popstar is quite the combination. you’ve only seen each other in person a couple of times, the first being pretty recently.

zendaya brought tom along to hang out with you in los angeles. he happened to be there recording some lines for a movie. she saw your concert earlier that night and invited him to crash the dinner plans you’d made, resulting in the best surprise and most fun you’ve ever had. the other time you enjoyed each other’s company was one weekend in paris. that was... something.

besides those two miracles, everything between you and tom happens through a screen. you’ll down bottles of champagne or keep warm under blankets while talking about your days. it’s nice, having someone on the other end who listens and actually hears you. tom gets it. you both do.

finishing your tour in london is convenient because not only will you have tom to comfort you, but you get to stick around for a while. he’s invited you to stay at his place. you can’t wait to meet the other holland’s, his friends, and obviously tessa.

“fuck, i’m gonna cry. i’m already crying,” you announce to the crowd, though they can tell from the tears streaming down your face. more dancers huddle around you and turn your single hug into a group one. you’re laughing and sobbing and holding on tight to everyone. fans bawl their own eyes out, the fact that this is it starting to settle in. the onstage crew even gets choked up, seeing you like this.

tom pouts from where he’s watching. he wishes he could run up there and squeeze you tight, but he’ll have to save that for when you’re done.

“i love you all so much, literally every single one of you in this room,” you tell everyone for the nth time tonight, swiping a perfectly manicured finger under your eyes. “my lighting crew, sound crew, my band, my fearless fucking dancers-“ a hiccup cuts you off. people burst into fits of giggles, which is a much needed tension breaker. you adjust your headset so the mic doesn’t pick up any other bodily noises.

grinning, you rest your arm on a shorter dancer’s shoulder, then go on. “sorry, sorry. i just wanna say, like, three more thank you’s before i get out of here.” there’s a chorus of no’s and encouraging whistles at the mention of you leaving. you blink back more tears to delay the breakdown you’re going to have. “thank you to my friends who always show up for me.”

with a knowing smile, you glance over at tom. “and, thank you to my more than a friend.” he smiles back, both hands held over his heart. harry elbows him in congratulations. more screaming erupts from the crowd as they realize where you’re looking and who you’re looking at. this will be sure to spark some headlines. whatever, you’re used to trending on every possible social media platform by now.

“this is the big one,” you preface, taking in a breath while everyone quiets down again. “thank you to you guys. for trusting me, for caring about what i have to say in any way. i feel your love. i really do, and i hope you feel mine.” your fans yell that they love you back, dancers gently swaying you side to side, emotions on high. there’s one last song, and it’s over.

“this has been the sensation tour, and i’ve been your host. was i good?” you try to lighten the mood, earning a bunch of what sound like positive shrieks. the earpiece you have in makes it hard to tell. “y’all were even better.” exchanging looks with your dancers, you pull out of the hug so you can get to your mark for the finale. they follow your lead. music comes through the speakers.

“i’ll see you again soon, okay? i promise. here’s sensation,” you introduce the song, immediately bursting into more tears. it’s torture to say goodbye. thankfully, you have the most incredible fans on earth, so they sing along with you at the top of their lungs. that includes tom and harry, your ultimate stans.

when the show is over, you run right off stage and over to tom. he’s waiting on the side with actual heart eyes for you. you practically leap into his arms, a hand cradling the back of his head, both his arms draped low and tight around your body.

“you were so amazing up there! absolutely smashed it, darling,” tom breathes out. his face is smushed between your neck and mostly bare chest. “thanks, tom. seriously, thanks for being here tonight and every other.” you smile a tired smile and wind your other arm around his neck. he presses some light you’re welcome kisses to your skin. “mm, thanks for having me. how’s it feel to be done?”

you sigh, fingers running through his curls. “like the biggest relief, and also really sad.” you’re such a mess that you could cry again on the spot. tom senses it and lifts his head up to see if you’re alright. “super depressing,” you surprisingly reiterate without the waterworks. “i know the feeling. you’ll be back soon, though. you said it,” he murmurs, a grin on his lips as they brush against the corner of yours.

you’re about to kiss him properly, then one of your dancers comes up to you. you’d forgotten that there are still stage managers and security everywhere, too. you get completely lost in tom whenever you’re together.

“you killed, babe,” coco greets you, linking your arm in hers. tom takes the hint and lets go of you. he watches on with a smirk. “nah, you murdered,” you send the compliment back and bite your lower lip. “i dunno, i feel like someone murdered me!” there’s coco with her dramatics. she’s genuinely hilarious, your shared sense of humor playing a huge part in your friendship.

she brings your free hand to her heart. you gasp at how fast it’s going. “that shit is really beating, coco. are you, like, okay?” “probably not. it was the freestyle that got me.” coco went a lot harder than usual tonight, since it was her last big dance break for a while. she puffs air from her cheeks and nods to tom. “this your man?”

“yeah, you could say that. i’m tom,” he answers, holding out a hand for her. “coco.” she pulls it like you would in a handshake. you beam at them, one of your best friends and unofficial boyfriend finally meeting. “sounds promising. i approve,” coco mutters to you. bumping your hip into hers playfully, you take one of tom’s hands in both of yours.

“aw, we have your blessing or something? your permission?” you coo and get a push at your shoulder from coco in return. tom chuckles, his thumb running over the back of your hand. “no! i was gonna say you should bring him out back,” coco clarifies, like it was obvious. you’re not sure what she’s on about. “uh, what’s out back?” you question. “an axe?” tom teases.

coco gestures to the nearest exit. “we’re having a little goodbye party in the parking lot. fire pit, snacks. remember?” nope, you’d completely forgotten. the idea first sounded like the perfect way to end your night, so you agreed to go. that was before you were dripping sweat and mentally exhausted. now, all you want to do is unwind with tom and tom only.

the superstar life is one you’re happy to lead, just not at this exact moment.

“i do now.” you muster up your most apologetic smile for coco, tugging on tom’s hand. “i’m sorry, co. i think we’re gonna pass.” her jaw drops. you’re never one to skip these things. “aw, for real? it’s our last night!” tom threads his fingers through yours while you talk. “bro, we’ve been together for almost a whole year,” you laugh out, nuzzling your cheek into tom’s chest. “get sick of me.”

“never,” coco deadpans. she catches you gazing up at tom, relaxing as his arms hug your middle. she’s known you long enough to tell what’s a fling and what’s real love for you. this is something special, and she can’t get in the way of it. she’ll let you navigate this yourself. “ok, just for tonight. you’ll text me?” coco gives you a real smile, raising an eyebrow at tom. he gathers that’s a good thing. he’s in.

“mhm. maybe we can hang out tomorrow,” you agree and let your eyes flutter shut. all that’s keeping you up are tom’s strong arms. “tell everyone i love them.” “i think they know.” coco shakes her head lightheartedly. tom laughs at her. “be good,” she tells him and means it, rubbing your back on her way to the lot. that leaves you and tom alone at last.

custodians are cleaning up the arena, fans are piling out, and you’re clinging to tom while his steady heartbeat grounds you. this is the only after party you need.

“harry’s got the car when you’re ready,” tom mumbles, tucking a piece of damp hair behind your ear. you loop your arms around his torso with a hum. “i was kinda wondering where he went.” “yeah?” he gives you a small smile. “gotta ask what he thought... of the show.” yawns are creeping past your lips, tonight’s events catching up to you.

“i like feedback from the fans, or stans,” you elaborate in your sleepy state. tom uses his fingertips to tap your temple. “what about me? i’m your biggest.” “i’ll, um, follow up with you later.” your words are slurring. “right now, home.” warmth spreads throughout tom’s entire body, his house becoming yours for a bit. “your chariot awaits,” he affirms before helping you to your dressing room.

after collecting your things, you follow tom out to the car. harry is in the driver’s seat, and you two slip into the back. he exchanges a look with his brother through the mirror while you settle on his shoulder. you’re hugging his bicep, his lips pressing to the side of your head.

“thank you for driving,” you speak softly to harry. he starts to pull out of the spot with a nod. “no problem. get to say i was y/n y/l/n’s chauffeur.” tom clicks his tongue even though harry is joking. you snicker at his remark, joking back. “you want the job? better be a five star ride, then.” your banter brings yet another smile to tom’s face. his family is everything to him, so seeing you get along so well means the most.

“right, right. did you have a good time?” harry wonders, twisting to see behind him while he turns around. he also peeks at you snuggled up to tom before facing forward. “great, actually. did you?” you check, the grin clear in your voice. harry goes into full stan mode. “no shit! you were brilliant, y/n. god, every note was just like how you did it the studio.” he’s raving, which is much appreciated by you.

“good answer.” tom shoots his brother a wink. “‘s that what you wanted to hear?” he asks in reference to your conversation earlier. your response is a kiss to his shoulder. “yay. i’m happy you liked it, harry.” he buzzes with excitement, having his favorite artist care what he thinks.

not much is said for the rest of the drive. tom and harry make some hushed conversation about golfing this weekend while you struggle to stay awake. they’re obsessed with that damn sport. it’s honestly nice to see, that tom has something he likes to do when he isn’t shooting hollywood’s biggest movies. your free time will finally give you the chance to discover other hobbies.

you stumble out of the car upon arriving to the boys’ place, a backpack on your shoulders and tom’s hand held tight in yours. you’ve got only a few essentials with you for tonight. the rest is on the tour bus, so you’ll gather it after your hangout with coco. besides, everything you need at the moment is right here.

“home sweet home,” tom announces as harry unlocks the front door. his words bring a tired smile to your face. “finally,” you exhale, keeping your fingers laced with tom’s and following the two of them inside. “i could show you around a bit, give you the grand tour. or-“ tom stops talking, feeling your weight on him. harry huffs at how oblivious his brother is.

“mate, she’s falling over. save it,” he suggests and kicks the door shut lazily. you’re done in. you’ve been having to lean on tom since the show ended. “another time, then,” tom mumbles, securing his arm around your waist. “there is one thing i wanna see.” your voice is low, body curled into tom’s side. he raises an eyebrow. “and that is?” “your room.”

tom takes that in a suggestive way, like he does most things. “we’re getting right to it, are we?” he questions, harry gagging and you nudging his arm with your head. “not like that, dummy. ‘cuz i’m sleepy.” there’s a beat of silence. “ask me again in-“ “wow, look at the time!” harry interrupts so he doesn’t have to hear the details. he’s sure he’ll witness enough after it happens. “off to bed i go! goodnight.”

he rushes to get to his room, yelling out, “great show, y/n!” on the way. “thank you! night!” you call back, tom letting out a sigh. “div of the century,” he says under his breath. “must run in the family,” you playfully retort. that gets you a firm poke at your side. “where’s everyone else?” you glance up at him. there should be two other idiots and a lovely, furry lady running around.

“tuwaine’s gone to the pub, harrison’s filming late, and tess is at mum and dad’s,” tom fills you in, grabbing your arm and draping it around his middle. doing him one better, you hug him with both. you squint in confusion about the last part. “they watch her when i’m out,” tom answers your unspoken question. “ah,” you nod, then deflate ever so slightly. “i wanted to meet her, though. the other boys, too.”

tom smooths the pad of his thumb over your cheek. “you will, darling. it’s only for tonight.” he kisses the same spot reassuringly. “we’ve got loads of time.” “yeah, we do,” you agree, instantly cheering up and letting your head fall onto his chest. “now, where’s your room?” “just upstairs. you need some help getting in?” he’s only playing around, but you accept, tightening your arms around his neck.

“show me the way,” you beam at him. “happy to.” tom wiggles his eyebrows, you jumping up. your legs wrap around his waist, his arms holding you against him. with a satisfied hum, you squish your face into his insanely soft shirt. “what a diva,” tom sarcastically complains while taking you to the staircase. “doesn’t even say please. no manners from this one.”

“you try dancing in six inch heels for two hours,” you shoot back, patting the side of his neck. he moves one hand down to your thigh for a better grip. you’re nearing the top of the stairs. “think i’ll leave that to you,” he decides and squeezes your thigh. “look at me, carrying the whole music industry.” your face easily gets hot and your words turn to murmurs. “shut up. you should listen to other songs.”

you’re on the second floor now, tom going for the first door. he frowns at his rejected compliment. “no, i like yours. they’re my favorite.” “really?” your muffled laugh sounds from his chest. “what was the first thing i ever said to you?” he asks, a toothy grin on him even though you can’t see it. you recall the faithful night he slid into your dms while he carries you into his room.

he’d tripped over his words somehow, the fangirling fool. before that, he tweeted to the whole world that he wanted to see you in concert. it was a huge thing, and people were freaking out about it, even more so when your online interactions became routine. that’s nothing compared to where you are now.

you’re currently living with him and basically dating. possibly, in love. the base of it all really is your music.

“that you love me.” you pause for the ellipses. the corners of your lips turn up. “but, you really meant to say my work.” “both apply.” tom passes that off like it’s a side comment, carefully laying you down on his bed. you look up at him with a curious glint in your eyes. “what does that mean?” his cheeks flush, and he bites back the smile that’s growing. this was supposed to go... differently.

you sit up, breathing out a laugh at tom’s boyish behavior. he’s precious, truly. “you do love me?” those three words will change everything if he says yes. he takes both your hands in his and holds them between you two. you meet his doe eyes. “yeah, y/n/n. i do.” so, you were right. “i love you... and, that wasn’t how i planned on saying it.” signaling for him to elaborate, you tilt your head to the side.

tom sits down next to and faces you before continuing. “it was supposed to be romantic, right?” he rolls his eyes up to the ceiling, annoyed he ruined this. “candlelit dinner, flowers, that sort of thing. seems more fitting for the occasion.” you shift closer to him until your knees are touching. your face is lit up, voice dropped to almost a whisper.

“since when do we do things the way we’re supposed to?” you point out and set your hands on his shoulders. “we’ve gone straight from online dating to me moving in. that’s usually not how it works.” tom chuckles lowly. his own hands find their place on your hips. you’re so good with words. then again, you are a singer. “guess you could say we’re, um, spontaneous,” he agrees, fingers drawing circles on you.

you and tom have explored some of each other’s most intimate places, yet you’ve never shared a moment quite like this. it’s like meeting him for the first time again. he’s too tongue tied to spit out what he wants. you somehow know, anyway. what you cherish most about your relationship is that you two completely and totally understand one another, on every level.

“tom?” you speak quietly, butterflies filling up your body. “hm?” he hums back. this is one of those moments where it all just clicks. “i love you. i really, really love you.” you giggle out of the pure happiness that consumes you, tom joining in your laughter. “i love you, too.” he sounds like he’s said it a million times and he’ll say it a million more. he leans over so his forehead rests on yours. “really, really love you.”

your warm breath hits his face, eyes darting from his own to his lips. “i want you to be more than...” you trail off, unsure of how to phrase it. “more than... more than a friend?” tom pokes fun at what you said during the show. there’s less and less space between you with every second. “you mean, like, a boyfriend?”

“exactly. be my boyfriend,” you all but demand. you’re half asleep and desperate to be able to call him yours already. “bossy, bossy, bossy,” tom chastises, swiping his thumb across your bottom lip. how he goes from being shy and giddy to the cockiest person alive in minutes, you’ll never know. “please?” you throw in to sway him. your hand locks with his, slowly moving it off your face.

you run your tongue over your teeth. “at least kiss me.” “you don’t have to ask,” tom breathes, lips now ghosting over yours. “i was going to.” true to his words, he closes the microscopic gap between you, you pushing forward against him as you kiss back. your first kiss in love. his lips taste like the chapstick he always uses, and he moves them softly.

he places a hand on your knee, you opening your mouth so he can have access to it. instead, a yawn exits. tom pulls back with a breathy laugh. “you must be exhausted, yeah? let’s get you to bed.” he pecks your lips once more. “my girl needs her beauty rest.” that confirms your relationship. you scrunch your nose and grin wide. “and, she’s gonna get some with her boy.”

you’re reminded of how sweaty you are when you catch a whiff. “oof, wait. do you think i can take a shower first?” you grimace, fanning at the air for emphasis. tom uses the tip of his nose to nudge yours. “absolutely. need help in there, too?” he’s not asking in that way, only so nothing happens. the hospital wouldn’t be the most pleasant place to spend your break. plus, he doesn’t want to be without you too long.

“you know what? yeah.”

that’s how you end up intertwined under the hot water, letting it cascade down your back as tom hugs you close to him. you sigh in content and tangle your fingers in his fluffed over curls. you’ve learned that he’s super into having his hair played with. it’s endearing, how he instinctively leans into your touch, eyes closing as you tug on the roots.

he drops his head down to kiss your shoulder, dragging his lips to your collarbone in a way that tickles. they land on one of your breasts next. there isn’t anything sexual about it, only loving. just in case he gets too excited because it’s not uncommon he does, you gently put a finger to his lips. tom takes the hint and lets up. you continue combing through his wet hair while you step out of the water.

“do you ever sing in the shower?” he questions, drawing your naked body in closer to his. “sometimes, yeah. i honestly feel like i sound better there,” you admit and slide your hand down to the nape of his neck. tom’s tongue darts out to lick his lips. “not true. you sound beautiful everywhere, and don’t fight me on this one.” he smirks in satisfaction, you groaning at your loss.

“i really enjoy hearing your voice when it blares through an arena, though,” tom keeps buttering you up. you shake your head and settle both arms around his neck. “man, i just love you so much.” “i love you, sweetheart,” he murmurs back, you switching places so he can give his hair a final rinse. you watch him and his glowing body, admiring the sight.

“what a sensation you are,” you say mostly to yourself, which doesn’t stop him from hearing. “i see what you did there.” he eyes you while you do the same to him. your arms still around his neck pull him back to you. “tommy? do you sing in the shower?” you meant to ask him before, then he started throwing all those compliments at you.

tom scoffs, walking you back so you’re against the wall. “i don’t sing anywhere.” “what?” you gasp and put a hand on his chest. “you’re lying, you have to be. wasn’t billy elliot a musical?” he narrows his eyes at you as he tries to gage where you’re going with this. “that i did a decade ago, and way before puberty. couldn’t sing a word without cracking after that.”

your mouth is left hanging open in shock and disappointment. you bet he has a nice voice, and he’s downplaying it. “y/n,” tom begins, cupping your jaw with his palm. “since we’re living together now, there’s a lot you’re going the learn about me. good things, weird things.” he shrugs casually. “this is one of the weird things.”

“only because you make it weird! come on, let me hear you,” you request and wrap a leg around his waist. you’re giving him a hopeful smile. “god, no. you’ll hate it,” he almost laughs, a hand on your thigh. “i’m literally a singer. how could i hate something i love?” you refute, batting your lashes at him. “especially when someone i love is doing it.” “i love you, too. but, i’m not.” he’s quick to shut you down.

“drop a bar!” you try to coax him, which he already has a comeback for. “you first.” “i can’t. my throat is all scratchy from earlier,” you lie. tom presses his lips into a line, feigning pity. “aw, you know what’ll make you feel better? tea. i’ll go get you some.” he turns to shut the water off, so you grab his shoulders. “no, the steam is working. you can stay.”

“love,” tom addresses you in a warning tone that you can’t take seriously. he can’t either, a giggle escaping him. “my voice is shit. ask anyone, and they’ll tell you.” “i won’t believe them,” you hum, pushing back curls sticking to his forehead. “sounds like you just have stage fright. we can work on that, though.” “how?” he tightens his arm around your middle.

“i’ll bring you on for my next show. we’ll do a little duet.” you’re joking, though that would definitely be interesting to see unfold. “uh, never. what happened to you being tired?” tom cleverly deflects and digs his fingers into your side. you look down in defeat. “i forgot about that.” “yeah, yeah. no, seriously. we should really get to sleep, y/n/n.” he’s back to his sweet, attentive self. “‘s been a long night.”

giving in with a nod, you capture his lips in yet another kiss. tom never gets tired of them, and neither do you. you break it after a few seconds, lips lingering on his as they detach. “carry me?” you ask again, not caring how whiny you sound. tom presses a quick kiss to your forehead. “oh, you’re adorable. of course.”

well, you’ve found something to keep you occupied until the next leg of tour. you’re going to discover the many layers your intriguingly unusual boyfriend has.

#tom holland #tom holland fluff #tom holland x y/n #tom holland x you #tom holland x reader #tom holland au #tom holland smut #tom holland imagine #tom holland fic #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland x singer!reader #tom holland request #peter parker #peter parker fluff #peter parker smut #peter parker x reader

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arsenicbruise · 3 years

Text

Books I read in September and my Review :))

1. everything I know about love - dolly allerton 4/5

This is was my first non-fiction book I’ve read . Still felt like a novel because of how the author told her experiences and the book was actually interesting. It was close to 5 stars but got boring at the end kind of , I think every young woman should read this :))

2. lolita -Vladimir Nabokov - no rating

well , I refused to read this novel for such a long time but I decided for once and all to end up with this misery . Nabokovs writing is not only amazing but also captivating if we decide to ignore the theme of the novel . Humbert is not only an unreliable narrator but also a disgusting and beyond inmoral, not only did he killed Charlotte ( Dolores mother ) but also raped lo , and overly Sexualized her . I’m not going to lie , I do skimmed some pages because it made me Overall super uncomfortable, I don’t want any of y’all to romanticize this story , because if you do I’ll believe you didn’t read it , or either have no conscience to understand it .

3.Eileen-ottessa moshfegh 2/5

I had super high expectations for This book after reading my year of rest and relaxation honestly . Not only was this book boring but the main character was overall super annoying , trust me I’m all for unlikealble main characters that Ottessa usually presents on her novels , Eileen was not it .

4.the metamorphosis -franz Kafka-4/5

This was a really short book I finished in one sitting , while being philosophical it was also really interesting. I believe Gregor deserved better I hated how his family changed drastically with him after his transformation basically getting rid of him . Shows how no one will love you if you’re unattractive.I wish It was longer

5.the myth of Sisyphus-Albert Camus 4/5

“The stranger “ being my first camus book , I also enjoyed this one , even though it was quite hard to read I loved the topics it talked about such as how life has no meaning or purpose but we as humans have to find our own in order to have happiness .

6.speak- Laurie Halse Anderson-4/5

I really really enjoyed this book . I think it’s very popular and I wish it was longer tho . I think it’s a really great representation for rape victims and brings awareness to it . Melinda truly deserved better her parents never seemed to listen and all her so called “ friends “ were just truly Shitty. It was heartbreaking, but at least the ending was great . ( art teacher king )

7. The becoming of Noah Shaw - Michelle hodkin3/5 ( 4th book of Mara and Noah story)

I was looking forward to read this book since June after finishing the last book of the Mara dyer series ( this being the practical continuation) I expected so much more because Noah and Mara are forever my comfort couple but it felt weird and also sad , I didn’t like how slow it was at first ( loved that we got a lot of marashaw scenes ) but I feel like David should’ve stayed alive and Michelle coulve done a better plot with it . Also the ending got me sad and I’m still not over it , even tho I did enjoyed it I think it could’ve been better I hope the reckoning is different .

8.the torn skirt -Rebecca Godfrey 4/5

I think I should’ve given this book 5 stars but there’s something that stopped me to do so .

The sorry follows a girl named Sarah Shaw , a depressed girl who spends her time with her friends who spend their time doing drugs and drinking . Sarah is a girl who is antisocial , mother is gone and dad is there but I felt like he was doing something wrong or wasn’t giving her Enough attention. She meets a girl named Justine the so called “ girl with the torn skirt “ she looks for her etc etc. and runs away from home … not going to spoil much . The ending was okay I believe one of the main reasons I didn’t give it 5 starts was due to the length and the ending . I loved the main character and how depressing and realistic the book was .

9.Ariel -Sylvia Plath 4/5

I was originally going to give this 5 stars as well … but there’s always something that disappoints me in Sylvia Plaths writing , and it’s the racism. Please don’t get me wrong I’m a big fan of her work but I do feel the need to critique it . I wish the racists remarks weren’t there , since it’s such a waste because her work is always one of my favorites, even her being one of my favorite poets . Lady Lazarus and the applicant were my personal favorites.

I can’t add more pics but …

10. Midnight sun - Stephanie Meyer ( 5 book from the twilight series ) 2/5

Well this whole book was a disappointment, it was great to read the story from Edwards pov … but a waste of time imo. Half of the book was just Edward trying to resist Bella’s scent and deciding if he should kill her or not , watching her sleep etc … I’m a fan of twilight but I’m not sure if I’m a fan of this one .

11. Birthday girl - Penelope Douglas 4/5

As y’all know I love Penelope this is my second book by them ( I really can’t wait to read more of their books ) I’m just saying I loved Jordan and loved her character development . Hated cole at the beginning but he also had character development . Pike Lawson dilf loml marry me . The smut was good but not as amazing as in punk 57 . I just gotta say if y’all live older men or have daddy issues read this book lol .

12.Dracula - bram stocker- no rating yet

I haven’t finished this yet but I’m almost there … I��m loving this book so far I love the horror and the vibes .. can’t wait to read more horror books in October.

September was a weird month for books it was great I think overall …

#ya books #marashaw #twilight #romancebookaddict #philosophy #lolita #ottessa moshfegh #punk 57 #birthdaygirl #sylvia plath

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moons-and-stars-and-shit · 4 years

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Hi! I saw your blog cause you reblogged one of my crack ideas on my hq account and I think it’s super cute! Is it possible I can request a cake? I’m curious to see who you’d put me with :)

I have no idea what I’m supposed to put in this, but! My name is Spencer (at least that’s the one I’m trying out rn, but it’s comfy I like it) and I use he/him pronouns. I’m 5’10ish & I currently have black hair that I dye from time to time (probably going to dye it red next). My hair is like...a little past the top of my ears, but it’s an undercut (think Kenma with black hair ig). I have really thin brown eyes (a lot of people think I’m Asian I’m not lol they’re just hooded). I’m not exactly built thin but that’s something I’m ✨insecure✨ about so we’re not gonna get into that lol

Personality wise,,,idk I’m 90% self-deprecating and the other 10% is sarcasm. I’d like to think I’m a pretty creative person although I’m extremely logical. Creativity is more for fun vs logical on a day-to-day basis if that makes sense?

I used to be really athletic but I started doing other things and since then that’s kinda dwindled away. However lately I’ve been trying to kick ✨depression✨ in the ass and get back into being athletic and stuff. I’m learning how to box and a few friends and I want to take up volleyball when it gets warmer. I used to be a soccer player though and I want to start doing that again, too.

A lot of people tell me I’m musically talented. I like to think I am on a good day, I guess (I’m bad about describing myself lol sorry). But I play a little piano and ukulele but I play guitar & sing mostly.

Even though I try not to be I’m super competitive and legit subconsciously turn everything into a competition, but I try to stay lighthearted about it. Even though I come off cold to people when I meet them (RBF + introvert yikes) I really care about my friends and wear my heart on my sleeve even though I try not to show it.

Quick stuff if this isn’t too long already?

Zodiac: Sun-Leo Moon-Virgo Rising-Cancer

MBTI: INPT-T

Asked my friends what colors they’d describe me with & made this:

Favorite anime is either the disastrous life of saiki k or haikyuu!! (leaning towards hq tho)

I don’t have a favorite color but I wear a lot of red and black

Punk/slightly alt style with a lot of graphic tshirts? That’s basically my style

And yeah! I’m sorry if this is really long lol I tend to ramble when I don’t know what to say heh

Spence back again 😅😅 I forgot to attach the pretty color thing my friend told me to make

@spence0112

Hahaaaaaaaa 😅 sorry for the wait but thank you for your patience 😭

Romantic Matchup

Tendou Satori

How Y’all Met

Ight kinda embarrassing

But y’all Met in therapy 🤠

Yup

Group therapy

Legit every time he heard you talk

He was like:

Mood

Felt that

Relatable

So after group he went up to you and was just like

“Hey if you ever need to talk to someone I’m always available!”

And he gave you his digits 😗

Ok fast forward a bit

You we’re having a REALLY bad day

Like the depression was kicking tour ass

And you don’t know why

But you called our boy Tendou

Oop homeboy ZOOMED over to you

He was like do you wanna talk about it

And you said no, you just needed something to take your mind off of your ✨depressive state✨

He remembered you saying something about wanting to learn volleyball

And it was the end of the day... 👀

So he took you to practice with him

It was actually super fun!

He taught you all sorts of moves

And you we’re really impressed by his guest blocking

By the end of practice you felt a lot better

And you actually decided to join the volleyball team

Tendou was super excited to have you as his teammate!

Y’all started to hang out CONSTANTLY

You guys were just super close

So no one was really shocked when you two started dating 👀

They were expecting it actually...

What They Love About You

He loves that he can relate to you

And vice versa

Y’all truly just understand each other

He loves that your willing to battle your depression

It honestly inspires him to kick the rest of his depression in the ass

He loves your style!

He would wear jeans and a t shirt every day if he could

Matching t-shirts 👀 👀 👀

He loves how naturaly caring you are

He can see past the rbf so don’t worry about that

But the fact that you treat people with care and kindness is a plus for him

Favorite Things To Do Together

Ok this could go two ways

Option A is the definition of crackhead things

A lot of midnight shopping trips

A lot of gas station hauls

You get the gist

Or there’s option B

Which Is very chill 🙂

He likes to just stay in and watch anime or read manga with you

So whatever’s more your vibe

But he likes doing both 👀

Random Hc

His favorite anime is Saiki K as well 😗

So that’s the show you two always watch together

You two

Do in fact

Have matching t-shirts

Ahhhh so cute

You guys told your therapy group you were dating 😭

They were surprisingly supportive 👀

Astrology

When Taurus and Leo come together in a love affair, they can be a great couple because they know how to stroke one another’s egos and love to have their own stroked!

They have similar needs: Taurus needs plenty of affection, to be loved and cherished, while Leo likes compliments and wants to be adored and admired.

They’re both extremely loyal and possessive lovers.

Since they have such similar desires, they can generally provide for one another’s needs quite well.

These two Signs both love status and possessions.

They prize physical comfort and luxury; Leo is often flamboyant about attentions and gift-giving, which will greatly please Taurus, who loves the most traditional forms of courtship.

Though they can work together quite well, it’s not all roses between these two; both Signs are very stubborn and must work hard to understand and accept one another.

Overall Aesthetic

2000 Retro

Out of my league - Fitz and the tantrums

Dissolve - Absofacto

Boyfriend - Coin

Wait a minute- Willow

I’m sorry this is just to cute not to add 😭

(NOT MY ART)

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu fandom #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu matchups #tendou #tendou satori #tendou x reader #tendou x y/n

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makeste · 4 years

Text

BnHA Chapter 283: I'M MARY POPPINS Y’ALL

Previously on BnHA: Everyone was all, “Tomura what do you have?” and Tomura was all,” a quirk bullet!” and they were all, “NO!!” He then threw the bullet at Aizawa, who ironically actually did have a knife, and since no one bothered to say “no!!” this time he proceeded to CHOP OFF HIS OWN LEG. Just, schwoop. Lopped it right off. Didn’t even fucking care. Anyway so then Tomura was all, “you know what who even needs quirk bullets” and somehow broke free from both Deku and Ryuukyuu to go claw off Aizawa’s face. Thankfully Todoroki “I've spent the past eight chapters puttering around waiting for the coolest moment to strike” Shouto finally decided to join the fray by impaling Tomura, and everyone was all, “ahaha, classic Shouto”, and Tomura was all, “don’t worry though I’m fine”, and it seems like he really is now, since he’s finally regenerated and all his wounds have healed again! The chapter ended with Gigantomachia stampeding towards Jakku, which is super terrible, but what else is fucking new.

Today on BnHA: The Gunga kids spend a few pages standing around letting all that trauma soak in nice and deep as Machia rampages on towards Jakku. Back in the Shigaraki Wastes, the heroes regroup, which mostly consists of the remaining conscious adults tearfully being all “you kids get out of here... save yourselves...” and the kids being all “YOU JUST SIT THERE AND CHILL, DAD” and “[EXPLETIVES]” and “I’M YOUNG AND FILLED WITH RIGHTEOUS SHOUNEN RAGE”, all of which is very entertaining to me and makes me very proud. Anyway so then Tomura’s body sort of explodes a bit, and he’s all, “what”, and then it finally sinks in that he might have popped out of the toaster early, so he tries to end the fight right there and then with another round of Decay. Except that Deku counters it by SPONTANEOUSLY LEARNING HOW TO FLY, which is probably SO CONFUSING for all the non-Gran-and-Kacchan people around, which is just one of the many things I love about it. And the other things I love about it are that it’s (1) THE MOST BADASS THING EVER, and (2) just, really fucking great. So yeah. Rage, Deku, rage.

OH NO MY BABIES

don’t tell me. I’m not sure I want to know what it is they’re looking at. how many of the pros are fucking dead now ffffmg

also that is an extremely intriguing chapter title, though. 75? as in percent?? oh my god is something finally going to go fucking right for our heroes. or at least, you know, less wrong

OOOF

dammit Momo he was supposed to go to sleep! WHAT THE HELL WAS ALL OF THAT MATH FOR, THEN. did he grow bigger, or did she just somehow miscalculate the dosage, or is he finally going to go night-night halfway to Jakku?

btw Momo I’m not actually mad at you, you’re still the only one who fucking did anything at all. if anyone tries to give you shit, just look them in the eye and ask them “okay and how many things did YOU do?”, and they’ll be like, “oh shit, none”, and you’ll be all “yeah that’s what I fucking thought” because YEAH

OH MY GOD SERO ANGST

I have never seen Sero this badly shaken before. it’s somehow so shocking?? holy shit you guys, I know I’ve been saying for ages “lolo all these kids about to be traumatized af” but somehow it’s one thing to know it’s coming, and another to finally actually see it. oh god

anyway let’s just hope all of the grown-ups aren’t actually fucking dead. but based on all of the kids’ expressions, it really feels like a lot of them might be, and that’s just... ...

and they had to see it. right? is that what this is implying?? holy shit. they watched it all happen. that’s it, the rest of this arc is cancelled, please proceed directly to the emergency therapy arc right now

TOKO!!

holy shit look at the size of that rock that fell on the medical tent. and DS pulling people out of the wreckage. it really feels like everywhere you turn this arc, the intrepid young scamps of U.A.’s first year hero class are the ones out here keeping things one step from total disaster

oh shit

excuse the hell out of me young Momo but what the hell is up with this use of the word “dead” with the implied “like everyone else” hanging there at the end?? what is up with that. that’s a very bad sentence I don’t like that at ALL

and what the actual hell is this panel of FATGUM AND TAMAKI IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CARNAGE, TWO PEOPLE WHOSE NAMES I’M QUITE SURE ARE ON THIS CONTRACT OF “PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ALLOWED TO DIE” WHICH HORIKOSHI IMPLICITLY AGREED TO THE MOMENT I STARTED READING THE MANGA. BOY WHAT

JESUS MOTHER F. CHRIST

THAT’S. THAT’S, UH

OH THANK FUCK

I mean, I already knew they survived, though. so WHY AM I STILL SO FUCKING ANXIOUS. good grief

and in before Majestic fucking dies on the next page, having saved the children with his very last act. I fucking hate you Majestic, you blue-balling child-preserving magnificent wizard bastard

HE FRISBEED THEM TO SAFETY GAH

WHY COULDN’T YOU DO THAT TO MACHIA THOUGH. BUT AT LEAST HE SAVED THE BABIES. TOO BAD HE’S FUCKING DEAD hahaha sob sob sob

is anyone still alive?? did the guys who were fighting off Snoopy Sno-Cone and RD back at the mansion at least make it out in one piece??

(ETA: from here on out all of these guys shall be referred to as Schrodinger's Heroes until further notice.)

so now Mineta is questioning whether or not their Smart Momo Plan even fucking did anything, which. same, Mineta, honestly. but it must have!! right?? ????

anyway so here’s some more panels of everyone dying do you want to see them. sure. why not

can we get back to the Tomura fight now. I’ve had just about enough of this, I’d like to see some 75% business now before this turns into the most depressing chapter of all time

BOOOOOOO

goddammit. well for now my money’s on Machia collapsing just as they make it back to Jakku. so Momo’s plan does eventually work, but the League still makes it back to Tomura thus ensuring more shenanigans can take place. goddamn, lol, just when I thought the arc was nearing its climax. feels like it just fucking respawned with a full life bar

also Toga is really looking... not great. I’m so scared for whoever she ends up fighting after this. OCHAKO MY SWEET BABY GIRL PLEASE WATCH OUT

WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE

PLEASE ARREST HIM FASTER. holy fuck if you fucking screw this up and he gets rescued I SWEAR TO GOD

oh wait is he just here to provide more backstory on Gigantomachia

GO BURNIN’, YOU GOT THIS. also, gonna be honest, at this point I really would not mind if Machia did a little less living for Tomura and a bit more dying

FINALLY!!!

FKFKF Aizawa not looking too good oh god. and Deku looks like he’s about to spontaneously develop ALL OF HIS REMAINING QUIRKS JUST LIKE THAT ON THE SPOT, FUCK YOU TOMURA

oh my god DON’T GET DISTRACTED!!

Shouto’s arrival is either about to make Endeavor more useless than ever, or suddenly a whole lot LESS useless, and right now it’s up in the air and I am excited but also scared

EXCUSES EXCUSES

BLAH BLAH BLAH. “SORRY I’M LATE, I WAS SAVING PEOPLE’S LIVES,” Shouto lies through his teeth, clearly not aware that Tomura has a built in GPS and knows full well that Shouto was actually only a few feet behind Bakugou and Deku and so that explanation doesn’t fly at all. the real truth must be something so embarrassing that he’s ashamed to admit it. did you get lost. did you run into an NPC who wouldn’t let you pass until you had completed some sort of quest

THERE YOU ARE KACCHAN, I WAS WONDERING

just as enraged as Deku! it’s almost like he just witnessed his sensei chopping off his own leg and subsequently almost being murdered or something

(ETA: actually lol I think he’s mad at Deku, for taking off earlier and leaving him behind with Gran. though there’s no law that says he can’t be mad about two things at once! anyway so do you guys think that being beaten to the punch by Deku here may perhaps frustrate this young man and contribute to his decision to return the favor at some point later on in this battle, perhaps with dire consequences? hmm.)

anyway so if you all are keeping up with the math, and I think you are, it seems like just about every one of the adult pros is either down for the count (Aizawa, Gran), or recovering (Endeavor, Ryuukyuu??), or Might As Well Not Even Be There (a certain TWO OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL IN A TIME OUT AND HAD BETTER BE THINKING GOOD AND HARD ABOUT WHAT THEY’VE DONE. OR MORE PRECISELY, DID NOT DO OR EVEN ATTEMPT TO DO). anyway so all of that means that the only ones actually ready and raring to go here in Round 2 against the newly regenerated and POSSIBLY HAS HIS DECAY QUIRK BACK Shigaraki Tomura are... drum roll...!

okay but FUCK YOU GUYS though oh my god YOU’RE EVEN RUINING THE DRUM ROLL

DID YOU NOT EVEN NOTICE HIS LEG BEFORE?!?!? holy -- can I -- can I please just slap them, I --

anyway so RockLockRock looks like he has something to say here. probably going to tell Deku to take Aizawa and run, as if Deku isn’t the fucking glue holding this entire operation together at this point now that Aizawa is KOed. can you believe these guys are so incompetent they’ve actually got me arguing in favor of the child soldiers now, what even

...fuck

shit. that face. he’s ready to die to give them all a chance. he knows he wouldn’t last two seconds against Tomura and yet he’s willing to sacrifice it all. damn it RLR... okay fine your time out is done now, but I’m still calling your parents

unfortunately, you’ll never believe it, but Deku doesn’t seem all that inclined to listen to this man telling him to bail and save his own skin sob

ngl though I am living for the Enraged Vengeance Deku we’ve been seeing in these last couple chapters. maybe now everyone will stop dismissing him as just a soft boi who always eats his vegetables and doesn’t swear, and remember that in truth he’s actually a mildly unhinged feral child with an infinite pain tolerance and a god-given talent for never listening to any life-prolonging advice that adults give him ever

oop don’t tell me he’s gonna do the Decay thing again, shit

-- uh

“eh?” lmao what the fuck. my boy's torso just opened up like a fucking door hinge and all he can say is “eh.” this fucking manga

like he’s seriously just calmly standing there trying to assess what the heck has gone wrong

you really don’t feel pain do you. “haha lol what why is my arm falling off I thought I fucking ascended”

OH MY GOD

IT’S OCTOBER THIRD. looool the fuck

Tomura. my sweet little S+ ranked death machine with an A rank in knowledge. who’s spent the past 15-20 minutes battling to the death with the number one fucking hero and all his pals. who all just HAPPENED to be there all ready and waiting to fight him the instant he woke up. Tomura. buddy. did it really only just occur to you that maybe something went wrong somewhere along the line. that maybe things were not, in fact going according to keikaku. that maybe the heroes didn’t just sit around waiting for you to finish cooking in your villain bake oven. like please forgive my impudence but TOMURA ARE YOU STUPID, is what I’m saying, I guess. but gently

(ETA: SHIGARAKI TOMURA, WHOSE ARM IS CURRENTLY DANGLING BY A THREAD: “hold up lol what day is it.”)

I really like how Deku’s just crying nonstop this entire time though. but like, you know. crying with RAGE

lol and he’s figured it out as well, and I fucking love the connection his mind made, look at this

sudden feelings of solidarity. “WE’RE NOT SO DIFFERENT, YOU AND I” lmao

AHH MIRKO

how does she still have two legs?? Horikoshi I can’t believe you forgot how many legs your own favorite character has. but anyways yes this has been your friendly reminder that Mirko saved EVERYONE and should have a battleship named after her

okay NOW he’s doing the thing

good job Tomura you finally got them!! good thing none of them can fly, or Float. RIGHT, DEKU

AHAHAHAHAHA YESSSSS

YOU LOVE TO SEE IT. AND A BLACKWHIP/FLOAT COMBO, TOO! TOMURA, YOU WERE SAYING??

(ETA: he even grabbed Kacchan too. “I can fly by myself!” YOU SHUSH MISTER.)

(ETA 2: and what I also love about this is that we know the SIXQUIRKS are seemingly in tune with Deku’s emotions, so it honestly makes perfect sense that in the heat of the moment with Tomura threatening to kill all these people that he cares about, the quirk just basically acts on his instinct to save and doesn’t stop to ask questions. we’re saving everyone, no buts. and he even activates Float at long last, acting on that same instinct. honestly Kacchan had the exact right idea the whole time, all the way back in chapter 217. “it’ll activate when he’s in trouble, right?” exactly.)

NO GRAN STOP NO ONE ASKED FOR THESE FEELS

OH MY GOD

NEVER HAVE I STANNED THIS BOY SO HARD. HOT DAMN

he’s so fucking mad. omg??! omg

okay so I’m gonna try my best to explain why I love this so much lol. all right. so the thing is, it’s actually so rare for Deku to actually take the reins like this. even though he’s the main character, even though he’s All Might’s heir, his personality is such that he genuinely doesn’t mind being in the backseat and is perfectly content to share the spotlight with others, or even relinquish it completely. BnHA has had... how many arcs so far? hold up let me check

-- okay I just checked and it’s 18. so, 18 arcs. and out of all those arcs, Deku has had a solo fight in approximately... five of them. and two of those fights were against Bakugou and Todoroki, respectively, so he was still sharing the spotlight even then. aside from that, he’s fought Muscular, Gentle, and Overhaul (oh, and Shinsou, I guess). that’s it! and it’s been almost 300 chapters! and again, he’s the main character. in a shounen manga. like seriously though, that is wild

and so seeing him here like this on the last page, ready to throw hands with Tomura, presumably while using Blackwhip as some sort of physical barrier to coat his attacks and prevent Tomura from trying any more Decay shenanigans with him? dude. I FELT THAT HYPE. it’s just a really effective way of keeping me from getting Main Character Fatigue like I might get in most other shounen series. because Deku doesn’t get the spotlight all that often in comparison, it still feels fresh to me, especially now with him actually going up against the Big Bad. just, idk what else to say except “hell yeah” lol

anyway, so I don’t even know how long it’s gonna last, and I expect that Kacchan and Shouto aren’t going to be content to just sit back and let Deku have all the glory either (Kacchan in particular is probably frothing at the mouth already), so in all likelihood it’s probably going to be more of a 3-on-1 than a 1-on-1. and it’s also very likely to end with Tomura gaining the upper hand and trying to take OFA! and so in truth this is a very fleeting moment of triumph, and the most premature of celebrations! but even so... damn. and also I just love seeing shounen kids lose their damn minds and explode with angry determination. and I especially love seeing it with Deku, because I love the reminder that beneath that sweet, unassuming nerdy exterior lies a core of fucking steel. that look in his eyes, though. TOMURA ARE YOU SCARED. you should be a little scared, lmao

anyway. so that’s the chapter! and I’m really glad we ended on this note, not just because Deku is a badass, but also because like I was saying earlier, this was about as bad a situation as the good guys have ever been in, and I felt like the manga was starting to lose that feeling of hope that still needs to be there at its core even when things are at their darkest. idk, I feel like we needed this. Tomura got a chance to catch his breath in the last chapter, and now it’s the heroes’ turn. whew

#bnha 283 #midoriya izuku #shigaraki tomura #class 1-a #bakugou katsuki #todoroki shouto #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #I just wish one of the blackwhips had been kind of dangling above him like an umbrella so my gotg 2 reference would make a bit more sense #eh but you all get it right #because... you know... the flying... and stuff #bah

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demigoddreamer · 4 years

Text

Addressing Batman’s Abuse Part 2

LINK TO PART 1:

https://demigoddreamer.tumblr.com/post/639260521881862144/addressing-batmans-abuse

Batman: keeps a secret that could harm his family

Batfamily: how could you keep secrets from us?? I thought we could trust each other

Batman: nah man this info for me only you guys can’t be trusted with this

Batfamily: keep any secret whatsoever

Batman(who has a horrible lack of boundaries): THE AUDACITY

Ok...I really hoped there wasn’t more to the abuse but there is. I honestly can’t believe I wrote ALL OF THAT. I’m gonna do a post where I try to display Jason’s pain and suffering for what it is and tell the haters that they have no basis and to get the fuck outta here if you don’t like it. Jason deserves to be loved and that’s not because he’s my fav. BUT BACK TO BRUCE… anyway here imma cover anything else I forgot because what else is a high school freshman gonna do on her last day of break. All I’ve been doing to studying my butt off and working hard nuh huh IMMA TELL THIS CRUEL WORLD TO PUT A SOCK IN IT STOP ABUSING MY BOIS LIKE THE BATBROS. Sorry I got off topic.

I was talking in the last post about RHATO#25 where Jason shot the penguin. Now he has a pretty darn good reason ok. My boi found letters from his abusive criminal father(more like a DNA donor cause he ain’t a good dad like he supposed to be) and this trash Willis Todd wrote letters to Jason when Willis was in prison. He was like sorry and stuff and i don’t see how this is good enough BUT YOU MADE MY BOI JASON CRY! (I can’t bear to see my boi jay sad) now if you didn’t know my boi Jason has a heart of gold(if you didn’t think jay’s a good person then you’re just a lower life form) and LIKE ANY CHILD HE WANTS TO BE LOVED BY HIS PARENTS. Anyway he’s mad at Penguin for putting Willis in jail and shoots him...we all know what’s going to happen…*sucks in breath* Bruce is like you broke my precious no kill rule and beats the shit out of my poor baby Jason. LIKE THAT’S NOT OK it’s honestly kinda worst knowing JASON HAS A HISTORY OF PHYSICAL ABUSE FROM HIS FATHER, another father figure causing him psychological trauma is going to bring up all sorts of bad memories and PTSD from Willis. Batman was supposed to be a better father than Willis but kinda ended up like him instead.

Sorry I didn’t discuss that more in depth in the last post, it’s why there’s a part 2. But now some new stuff. So as we know...Alfred died WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE ALFRED IS A FRICKING GOD HE’S IMMORTAL HE CAN’T DIE WHYYYYYYYYY!!!!...sorry I’m just so sad Alfred is DA BEST. anyway in the comic Pennyworth RIP or something like that, they are having a nice funeral for him. You know what?? THEY TOLD JASON NOT TO COME TO THE FUNERAL. THEY INVITED AMNESIAC DICK(now ric?*cry in bad naming and lost bro relationships*) but they like to Jason nah bro we don’t want your ass you but my BOI JASON WAS LIKE NAH FUCK ALL OF YOU IMMA COME TO THIS. and he came and he HAS THE RIGHT TO COME. He loved Alfred just as much as any of them and Alfred loved him and would want him to FUCKING COME.(ngl my man jay looks good in those shades) anyway they all seem pretty hostile to him when he comes and Bruce doesn’t correct this like hey he’s not bad guy you know

Also we need to acknowledge the secret keeping. Bruce is super paranoid and has major trust issues. He doesn’t feel the need to give IMPORTANT INFO to anyone not even his own fucking family. And this withholding of crucial info often puts his family in danger. Like when Joker kidnapped them and made them think they’re faces were cut off. I don’t know exactly what happened but he knew Joker was gonna do something and they were put in danger. WHY WOULD YOU PURPOSELY SUBJECT THE KIDS YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY YOU HAVE TO CALL YOURS TO PSYCHOLOGICAL AND EMOTIONAL TRAUMA??? LIKE WHYYYYYYY? If you simply trusted them and not do stuff behind their back then this could’ve been avoided. It is hinted that while Bruce was unconscious the Joker told them some stuff, a lot of it he said when Bruce was unconscious but while conscious he said like Bruce loves Joker*not surprised considering why is joker still alive* and he secretly hopes that Joker kills his kid like HELL NO, whispered some horrible things that will make them self deprecate and increase depression. We can imagine how bad it is to be kidnapped, about to be lit on fire, seeing your cut off face on a plate(their faces weren’t actually cut off but still it’s traumatizing), and then joker toxin fills the room making you go crazy, I imagine it’s worse for Barbara after being shot by Joker and even worse for Jason BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING BRUTALLY MURDERED BY JOKER AND HIS CROWBAR AND EXPLOSIONS. (I wanna shove that crowbar up Joker’s ass until he starts bleeding out of every orifice) and Bruce is like y’all we need to talk but everyone’s like no i can’t, making up excuses, etc. but i don’t blame them once again the secret keeping caused unnecessary pain. THEY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE MAD AT BATMAN and he tries soooo hard to justify it. and when they keep a secret from him suddenly they’re the bad guy. BATMAN CAN’T HANDLE SOMEONE KEEPING SECRETS FROM HIM honestly that’s shitty AF. And so toxic like he keeps breaking into their business and crossing lines with privacy. SO WHY DOES BRUCE KEEP DOING THIS??? He keeps people in the dark and they get hurt like HONESTLY YOU’RE HURTING EVERYONE AROUND YOU AND HE MAKES SOME ASSED EXCUSE ABOUT PROTECTING THEM.

Look Batman, there comes a time where enough is enough ok. Please stop hurting them, you already lost them and you’ll never get them back. All of them should just get out but especially Jason. I know a lot of people think Jason should leave entirely and I don’t entirely disagree with that. But I think Jason should keep his bros ditch his dad. Like Batman keeps hurting Jason but his brothers I feel like are more there for him than anyone else and they’re as much victims as Jason is. Batman should stop adopting so many kids if he can’t treat them right.

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inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years

Note

Whats your favorite song at the moment

Hey Nonny!

Ooof Too many, hahhaha! Because I don’t leave home anymore, I’m not looking constantly for new music to add to my Playlist, so mostly it’s stuff that I come across on Tumblr and is living rent-free in my head on repeat, or me digging on my harddrives for a nostalgia kick.... currently, these are the top 5 cycling in my head, no particular order:

(EDIT IT’S NOW TEN. I COULDN’T CHOOSE. LISTEN TO THEM ALL. THEY’RE ALL AMAZING)

(EDIT 2 SORRY IT’S NOW 15!! NONNY I’M SO SORRY. I know no one cares, but I LOVE sharing my Music with people)

(EDIT 3 *SIGH* Now 20. :| HELP. Stopping before I get carried away. No one ever likes my music so I love when people ask me for my songs with genuine interest)

Nathan Evans - The Wellerman (220 Kid X Billen Ted Remix) (flashing images CW in video!) – Got into the original of this one during the sea shanty trend, and then this dance remix came out... those of you who know me well, know that I am HOOKED on remixes, especially dance remixes. So I was so happy about this official one.

The Kiffness - Ievan Polkka ft. Bilal Göregen (Club Remix) – This one I got into because I think, again, the original with the blind man was trending, and then I found this remix artist on YouTube from his remix of The Wellerman, and his is SOOOO good!! I loved this song back in the early noughts when it was popular as “Leek Spin”. But then these young folks had to go and make it amazing again!!

ZHU, partywithray - Came For The Low – (LOTS OF FLASHING LIGHTS IN VIDEO CW!) Thank Falcon And the Winter Soldier for this one! It took me a WEEK to find out what song they’re playing in the club in Episode 3 when Zemo’s dancing, and YAY I found this finally (not the one hour one, sadly, still trying to find the song D+ Marvel used for that one). I LOVE IT. LISTEN TO IT. SO good if you like heavy club beats

Sim Gretina - A Friend Like Me (Electro Swing Remix) – This is SATISFYING. I LOVE IT. Found it years ago after that homemade Aladdin carpet video was going viral, and every time it comes up on my playlist, I replay it like 6 times.

Linkin Park - Numb (80′s Remix) – That tumblr meme song that went around years ago? HERE YOU ARE!!! :D This is TOO SHORT and it’s also on repeat when I listen to it. Y’all, this is what depression feels like when you’re trying to pretend to be happy all the time LOL. It’s a whole MOOD. This one is great to blast in the car and have people confused at you singing at the top of your lungs. Like, “I AM NUMB AND AN EDGELORD BUT READY TO PARTY!!!”.

One Ton - Supersexworld – Okay, this is an OLLLLLLDDD one by a one-hit wonder Canadian band that I stumbled upon recently when I was going through my hard drives to find new stuff to put onto my iPhone. I was OBSESSED with this song when it first came out, forgot about it, and NOW... SHIT I can’t STOP. This one is BLARING when I hear it, and am so happy I found it again. It’s simple, amazing, and AWESOME. LISTEN TO IT. You will love it. Please. It’s got one verse and one chorus over and over, and it’s catchy as hell. It’s on my personal Johnlock playlist :D

Deorro - Rise and Shine – GUYS. This song. Also on my personal Johnlock Playlist, this one is SOMETHING. First heard it in my BodyPump class, I NEEDED it. It’s SO GOOD. Jazzy Club Music??? YES PLEASE! Video is all kinds of amazing? YES PLEASE. PLEASE listen to this. I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch (Eiffel 65 Remix) – Is this song a decade old? YES. Has it been on my iPod since it first came out? FUCK YES. Y’all, Eiffel 65 is SO underrated for their remixes. This is one of their best remixes, and it’s the PERFECT walking song. YES I look like an idiot walking to it, but I love it SO MUCH. It’s better than the original, imho.

Gotye feat. Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know (Bastian Van Shield Remix) – LOL I KNOW: sacrilege to remix Gotye, but Y’ALL. This is the DEFINITIVE remix of one of his best songs. Six minutes of pure club beats, and just... ANOTHER perfect walking song that you need to SCREAM at the top of your lungs. Also on my personal Playlist, John POV, that I will share eventually.... it makes sense in the song order on the list, I promise LOL)

Tee Lopes - Marble Zone '12 – Tee Lopes is the official composer for Sonic Mania, hired because of all his AMAZING Classic Sonic remixes he did as a hobby on his YouTube channel. This one has a Tango flavour, and it’s SO good and not long enough. There’s an extended version here. Also love his Flying Battery and Ice Cap remixes. If you love video game music remixes like I do, check out his YT channel. There’s a TONNE there and it’s GREAT music to write to.

Aaron Smith - Dancin’ (KRONO Remix) – I dunno where I first heard this one, but I LOVE it. It’s like trancey club music. It’s beautiful, and WORTH a listen.

Pet Shop Boys - I Wouldn't Normally Do This Kind Of Thing [Extended Nude Mix] – Ooooof this one has been on my faves for a LONG time. Originally heard this on the PSB’s album Disco 2, back when their remixes were this good and long and clubby. I miss these so much. If you want a good club beat to thump your car, this is it my friends.

Informätik - A Matter of Time – FUCK ME I love this song. This is the song that made me want to start a Johnlock playlist. I talk more in length about it on this post here, but yeah, I still just.. MM. It’s just so beautiful and is what got me into EBM music in the first place. I listened to this and a lot of their music quite often in college when I was pining over people. Always the pining and never the requited, LOL. I just really love it.

Pride and Fall - Paragon – GUYS. This one is SO good. Trancey EBM and just, UGHGGHHGHGHHHG It gives me so many feels. I’ve loved this song for SO many years, and just, still has to be on every iPod I own. It’s beautiful, and the lyrics are beautiful and I wish I was as beautiful as this song, LOL. Please listen and enjoy. Best bit is a 3:11 :D <3

Rammstein - Mein Teil (Pet Shop Boys Remix) – GUYS. This is one of the greatest collabs of all time. I love both Rammstein AND Pet Shop Boys, and was SO EXCITED when they remixed this song for the single. This is the better of the two remixes PSB did for them, and YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO IT. PURE CLUB BLISS. This is the PSB in their remixing best!!!! <3 Plus, it’s SUPER WEIRD to hear these angry Germans backing a club beat, I LOVE IT. Also, it’s literally a song about a true story of literally eating a dick, so.... *shrugs*

Pet Shop Boys - Love Etc. (PSB Mix) – Y’ALL. This is 6 minutes of LITERAL dance music BLISS. A fantastic remix of one of my fave songs from the PSB, which is essentially shitting on the materialism of relationships. And I love this one, it’s a great work out and car song. Honestly PLEASE listen to it.

Apoptygma Berzerk - Kathy’s Song (Beborn Beton Remix) – GUYYYYYYYYYsSSSS I love this song so much. The original is much slower, and I discovered Beborn Beton FROM this song (another great artist, check them out). This song is just, a great dance song, and just makes me scream out when I hear it. Full volume, beautiful song, beautiful lyrics. It’s my Android!lock headcanon song, but it is also on my JL Personal Playlist, LOL.

Darude vs. Robert Miles - Children of the Sandstorm – One of the BEST MASHUPS in the world, and I am CERTAIN it is an official one; I was obsessed with mashups when I was in college so I have a TONNE of them, but this one has always been a fave, and I still jam to it over a decade later. Seriously, these songs SEAMLESSLY blend together, it’s fantastic. Classic club and trance? HELLS YES.

Eminem - Nobody Listen to Techno (Deep Dish Mix) – Another nostalgia hit for me. Is it pointless? Not if I enjoy it!! I LOVE this song. Deep Dish mixes were THE JAM in my college years, and like, this is just 9 minutes of PURE techno with some of his song “Without Me” sampled throughout. I LOVE IT. SO MUCH. This is a banger, and just, if you need music to listen to while driving or writing, this is one for you!!

Rammstein feat. Sharleen Spiteri - Stirb Nicht Vor Mir (Don't Die Before I Do) – And to bring the mood WAYYY down, did you know Rammstein did a love song? A beautiful, moves-me-to-tears love song? Because I did and it’s one of my FAVE songs by them. It’s SO beautiful, and the Till’s harsh voice WORKS for it. It’s gentle and soothing. It’s a German/English duet, and it makes me nearly cry EVERY TIME. Because I imagine John and Sherlock and then I die inside LOL. It’s so beautiful and I listen to this one years after it was released. Look up the translation, it is so beautiful.

AND if you guys happen to like any of these songs, copy the youtube video link and use this :)

Most of these that aren’t silly are on my Johnlock playlist, so do give the latter songs a listen! <3 I’m sorry for adding more than five... I just really love sharing things with you guys I like because I’m so lonely, LOL.

If any of y’all are playing these and trying to pick me up, *finger guns* Let’s go get cake and jam :D

AHH I like when I get asks like this! Sorry I took so long Nonny, but I just kept ADDING to it, as you can see. Had to stop because I could keep going.

#steph replies #my playlist #fave songs #music #happy posts #chatting with nonnies #Anonymous #i want more asks like this hee hee #ask me anything

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serenedash · 3 years

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I started rambling about my experience with kh and then it turned into khux and then it just turned into me rambling about Ryou and my art journey????? enjoy I guess,

it’s very long but there’s art in there :)

It’s funny to think about my kh journey as a whole tbh, I grew up watching my mom play video games, which included kh1 and 2. I wasn’t allowed to play the playstation2 we owned BUT I did have a gameboy so the first game I played was CoM (after my mom finished it ofc,) so I guess you could say I’ve always been passionate about kh “””side games””” lmao but I did fall off of kh very quickly bc again, I wasn’t allowed to play our PS2 and also I Am A Terrible Gamer I’ve Never Finished CoM I’m sorry you all had to find out like this, but then 358/2 came out when I was in middle school and!!! I didn’t care and I didn’t play idk why lol

Anyway, fast forward to high school I’m like 15 and my older sister, who HAS been keeping up with kh, has a wallpaper on her phone of roxas and ventus. And bc I haven’t kept up I say “nice roxas wallpaper” and she says “thanks but it’s roxas and ventus” and I proceeded to get so mad that I was determined to prove to her that her wallpaper was just roxas twice and then I fell down the BBS rabbit hole and suddenly I was reading about vanitas and then I’m reading the fan translations of the BBS novel and I’m crying??? I am sobbing???? and that’s how I actually got into kh for real lol we are vanitas stans before we are people,

It’s so funny how I thought I was some kh super fan, knowing all this stuff that I spent so long reading and rewatching cutscene movies, but I never once, SOMEHOW NEVER ever came across khx. It’s so absurd and bizarre I seriously have no idea how I never once encountered khx prior to khux. I suppose that has to do with the fact I wasn’t involved in the fandom? In early high school I had stepped away from fandoms as a whole and I didn’t have any interest in really posting content or interacting with fans anymore bc of how burnt out I was from a previous fandom,

but khux released! and I was so hype and excited for it! on launch day I was a senior in high school, I had ran around to every “nerd” and weeb I could find in school to ask them to join my party and fun fact about me is I have crippling social anxiety I literally refuse to start conversations irl so holy shit I was OUT HERE doing the MOST

My player just originally had my name (Matt) but everyone in my party had fun names so Ryou was born! High school was one big yugioh phase for me and ryou bakura is one of my favorite characters ever so it was just the logical name choice lol I quickly started creating Ryou, the character, as well. I was also leaving my homestuck phase and that + vanitas obsession made This character design (art circa 2016)

If y’all are familiar with my kh oc’s you might notice that keyblade now belongs to my kid Monty LOL

Anyway that got scrapped quickly for the chip and dale outfit (which is where Ryou’s trademark goggles are from <3) Goggles have been a staple of my character designs for a LONG TIME so like, it had to be done, (that’s a separate ramble about a separate oc tho)

OG Ryou was an interesting guy; he was a young party leader with this overwhelming responsibility on his shoulders bc of his status as a party leader. In his original story, he also struggled heavily with darkness, much like Terra but for Ryou it was more that the darkness was controlling him and not like a source of power like it was for Terra

A big part of early Ryou I kept, however, was the crushing awareness of loss. One of my party members (the strongest one at the time,) had left without saying a word and I was very confused and hurt. This was around the time the ephemera plot was happening so I decided to incorporate it into Ryou’s story; having him experience losing a friend to darkness since it’s so normal for wielders in Daybreak Town to just disappear, and this would unintentionally become a theme for both me and Ryou as khux friends would just randomly disappear.

I was desperate for khux at this point and I decided to watch the fan translations for khx and GOD, god, was I obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about the foretellers. And I’m not going off about that here bc I already did that, but I actually started entering fandom again! I did it slowly, I started on tumblr before this blog was made altho it was me sending anons to the few khux related blogs I could have lol a friend convinced me to get twitter where I got involved with the ffxv fandom, which led me to the kh fandom and eventually the khux fandom there which is what REALLY got me going on khux.

I joined discord servers, most of the servers I’m in are khux related, and from there I joined the khux oc rp (shout out to anyone there who might be reading this lol here’s some art from the beginning of the rp,)

It’s SO FUNNY how the RP influenced me so heavily. I hadn’t RP’d in YEARS, I used to have a strict no oc rp policy, but here I was? And the funny part is, I had barely developed Ryou. I had scrapped his original story and all I had was POST WAR Ryou so I literally had to reverse write him; I had only ever written him as a depressed, guilt ridden adult, but it was a fucking blast and I have such fond memories of this rp when it was active,

But anyway, this encouraged me to get more serious about art! I started drawing, writing, cosplaying, and roleplaying when I hadn’t done any of that stuff in a very long time. The first time I ever drew a background was for a deviant art khux competition actually LOL

also! I always think extremely fondly of the drawing I did of Aced in the keyblade war. It was also one of the first backgrounds I ever drew and it felt like my real starting point in the khux fandom. It got a ton of notes on here and someone wrote a tiny fic in a reblog which just made me SO HAPPY like it really felt like people were noticing me :) I was going to draw a matching Ira but!! I just never did!! One day tho, it’s on my art bucket list to redraw this along with Ira,

Aside from my personal growth, khux was great for my social life ngl, I made SO MANY friends online and got to meet a ton of people irl over the years! It’s crazy to think about all the people I now know and talk to? It honestly makes me really emotional. I’ll never forget taking the train into NYC and meeting up with discord friends. Going to conventions and talking with people about the latest khux update? Absolutely insane and those were some GOOD TIMES, if I thanked every khux friend or even just person who made an impact on me then we’d be here for a LONG TIME,

Fun fact, for my Lauriam cosplay all I needed to buy was the wig I just owned his outfit LOL also? Probably retiring that cosplay ngl people treated me like absolute garbage when I wore him and it led to a lot of confidence issues for awhile ngl. That’s probably one of the only memorable negative experiences I have with khux; it was great when khux people recognized me but for kh fans that weren’t in khux? They were FUCKING MEAN??? fuck kh fandom at large, I only care about khux fandom,

This leads me to another huge part of my experience in khux fandom: THEORIES!! I used to write SO MANY and oh my god my brain was so full all the time. It was a huge appeal for me in the fandom; I had been previously writing theory posts in the RWBY fandom and it just migrated over to khux for me lol I had done a ton of theorizing around Lauriam tbh, it was really the only reason I liked his character at all bc initially I did not care about the dandelions, anyone who wasn’t Skuld I was like “please leave Now thanks”

A funny part of khux fandom I never intended to be apart of is the MEMES, I really only started doing memes as stress relief bc college had me so busy all I had time/energy for was these quick little shit post drawings.

The first meme I made, file name “invi despair” LOL we need to get her a girlfriend smh anyway, I think in my senior year of college I did a bunch of rapid fire memes all in one month bc the stress of finals was getting so bad afdgfhdgf as far as I know my impact on this fandom will be my memes bc all I do now is enter a kh/khux server and introduce myself and I go “yeah I draw art. here’s a meme” and everyone goes OH YOU, honestly I am nothing if not a clown

I’ve talked so much idk where I’m going with this. Khux is just a good game even if the gameplay actually kind of really sucks yknow lol but it was the first game I played where I like, REALLY got into the meta and the mechanics. I used to read so much on the mechanics and watch youtube videos on which medals were worth pulling for. I was never a whale or a top player exactly, but I could rank well if I tried lol I’ve made it to the top 100 for solo rankings, my party has made it to top 10, and in pvp I’ve made top 300. I’m not the highest level in my party but FUCK do I know how to manipulate this game LOL

And with all that hard work, the strategies, the theorizing, the content I’ve made-- it’s been my life for 5 years. I’ve logged into khux almost every single day. At the end, I have logged 1820 days in khux out of 1910 days. Kinda crazy. Crazier I’ve never spent money on khux either lol the only “money” gone into it was one time my mom gave me a google play store gift card and I used it on my birthday for a VIP xemnas medal which eventually made it to regular pulls anyway but it was nice and a little treat :)

I’m not a gacha fan, I don’t care for it, so I don’t think I’ll be touching another gacha again. But for kh? This was pretty fucking awesome, even if it sucked a lot sometimes LOL It was worth it for the people I’ve met most of all I think. I would honestly be a completely different person without khux and that’s REALLY insane to think about.

#the khux hyperfixation is REAL #but yall knew this about me #there's so much more I could say but it's 2am and this is long enough already #im rambling

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pathopharmacology · 4 years

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Hey. I'm the anon that checks in on you occasionally. First, sorry for thanking you for doing your job, I understand now that was tone deaf and I'm sorry for being an ass with that. Secondly, you've gone completely dark since this pandemic started and I'm really worried about you, especially since IIRC you work in emergency. You don't have to be okay (although that sure would be nice!!). I'm guessing you're not. But I'd like to know you're alive. And I want you to know you're not forgotten. We're not friends, though we're mutuals last I checked, and I want you to know someone cares even if there isn't shit I can do to help. Stay breathing. Keep your head above water.

Shit, friend, I am so sorry I freaked you out like that. God’s honest truth, I haven’t checked tumblr in ages, because I kinda noped out of most social media after we lost our first baby and then never really found my footing again after because a bunch more Life Stuff happened (more on that below). I don’t know that I’ll resume any sort of presence here, but for those who do want to stay in touch I have a twitter account (@patho_patho) I use occasionally. It honestly never occurred to me that anyone would worry. Again, I’m super sorry about that. I never intended to scare anyone.

Anyway, life update! The tl;dr version is that I found out I was pregnant in November of last year, freaked out SUPER HARD about it because of how things went the last time, freaked out SUPER HARD some more when covid-19 started showing up in the states, left the emergency department for a care management position right before the hospital implemented a hiring freeze, basically didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until I was like almost 26 weeks along and it was incredibly obvious anyway, and — several months later — ended up having an unplanned (but non-emergent) cesarean delivery when my water broke three weeks early and the baby was breech.

The little dude is now 8 weeks old, growing like gangbusters and marvelously healthy. Unfortunately, our entire state caught on fire recently, so I’ve just spent the last week with him up at my parents’ house because the air is poison and their ventilation situation is way better than ours. Fun stuff.

I can’t explain how good it was for my mental health to get out of the emergency department. I was struggling even before everything happened with my first pregnancy, so when I got off my “postpartum depression is even more awesome when your baby is dead” medical leave, I was in a REAL bad way. We were thrilled when I got pregnant again, but it was also much earlier than we’d intended (apparently I’m super fertile, hooray?) and I spent the first trimester pretending like it wasn’t happening because I wasn’t sure I could survive the loss of another child. Covid started being a thing riiiight as I was heading into the second trimester, and...let me tell you, being pregnant during a pandemic is absolutely terrifying, and it was even more terrifying when I was still working in the ED. Those early days, when we really didn’t know much except that it was really, really bad? God, that was brutal. I was having panic attacks on my way to work, because I was scared shitless that I was going to get it and either I would die (thus killing my baby), or there would be complications of some sort (which would kill my baby), or me and the baby would be fine, but I would give it to the Dude or my parents and then one of THEM would die and...

Anyway. Bad times. It was bad times.

I was interviewing for a number of positions when things started amping up, and accepted the care management job literally days before the shelter-in-place orders went into effect, which led to a hospital-wise hiring/transfer freeze. The transfer still went through, thank god, and my new job has been amazing. They were super cool when I finally told them I was pregnant, especially when I explained why it took me so long to disclose it in the first place (basically, I wanted to wait until the final diagnostic tests were done and I knew 100% that this kiddo wasn’t sick the way our first was). I’m currently on maternity leave, and every once in a while my supervisor will text with a demand for more baby pictures. It’s really nice, actually. Care management is challenging as fuck, but it’s also really rewarding and interesting, and I’m glad I was able to make the switch before the whole world imploded.

(Also, it’s super nice to be in a position where the stakes are not literally life and death, and I’m also not putting my own life on the line every time I go into a patient room? I might’ve been okay with that once upon a time, but, uh, a lot of shit changed for me last year)

That’s pretty much it, unless y’all want to hear the whole pregnancy saga (which probably isn’t all that interesting, to be honest, except for the last bit with the c-section and all). Parenthood is deeply scary and deeply amazing. Everyone talks to you about postpartum depression, which makes it super easy to be blindsided by postpartum anxiety, which is like regular anxiety except your hormones are completely out of whack and you cry a lot and also refuse to sleep because you’re convinced your baby will die the moment you stop looking at them. Being a new parent during a pandemic is even scarier than being pregnant during a pandemic, and I honestly have no idea how I’m going to explain all of this EVERYTHING to the kiddo once he’s old enough to ask what the fuck was up with 2020, anyway.

Again, I’m really sorry I scared you by going radio silent. I’ve got all my notifications turned back on in case you or anyone else has any follow-up questions, and people are always welcome to check in over on the twitters (which is a garbage site, I freely admit, so I totally understand if folks would rather not). I definitely aten’t dead, and right now I’m doing better than I have in a long while.

Now I just need the air to stop being poison.

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calypsoff · 3 years

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Fifty Five. Part 4

I can’t believe that happened, I’m actually annoyed with me and the whole situation “but there was nobody there, just us and the waiters, it was private, so someone there leaked this! Someone there, a waiter or whatever they leaked this. It’s practically front page, how unfair is this when it should be about the fact I just got married and the vogue cover and now all I can see is Rihanna pregnant, Rihanna pregnant. Are you really kidding me, now what?” Robyn paced off, Mel cringed “well that’s not good” Mel said, rubbing my face “we will speak to your publicist, we may need to divert the attention. But besides that, the Vogue cover is selling just relax and I will call you back” Jay Brown said, Robyn is livid “ok” she disconnected the call “sorry” apologised, it’s my hand that exposes it “for what, don’t be. That was a private event Chris, no matter what pictures shouldn’t have been take. I want bitches fired; I want to know who took those pictures. It was private moment between us, it’s wrong. I have no idea how he’s going to divert the attention, to what? The attention has gone now” I feel bad no matter what she says “maybe someone followed in behind me? I don’t know, things were a little crazy outside” Robyn is just staring at her phone “yeah they have pictures of you walking in, Rihanna’ husband flew in for her birthday and is seen hugging and touching to what appears to be a bump. This is wrong, it’s not your fault. It happens and I hate it but I don’t want to tell yet, I really don’t” now she’s stressed and I hate that for her, I hate that she’s famous well this famous that she can’t even have fun like that “I know you say don’t blame myself but I kind of do because I shouldn’t have jumped in like that, I just got really excited. I know you’re saying don’t blame myself but still I am too blame” Robyn is just quiet, stressed out about all this shit and I don’t blame her.

Robyn is thinking, you can just tell on her face she is thinking hard, she is stressing herself out and I am really going to hate this for her. Getting up from the chair, I have been just sat here watching her, but I think I need to comfort her maybe, I don’t know but she’s very upset about this “come here” wrapping my arms around Robyn, she automatically placed her arms around me “I don’t regret you coming Chris, don’t think that ever. I hate that this happened, I just wanted some sanity for us, to celebrate quietly until we want to tell the world, but it’s ruined, and Jay is probably thinking on what to do, why the hell did anyone have their phones there!” She spat “what happened?” Yusuf said rushing in “oh you saying that but I just got a Twitter notification saying singer Rihanna expecting first baby” I cringed hearing that “I didn’t confirm anything!” She shouted, Yusuf’ mouth fell open “no fucking way, how did they find out” Robyn is so angry, moving back away from Robyn, let me give her space “someone at that place took a picture of me touching the bump, and you can clearly see it. My fault” rubbing the back of my head “I will kick you if you say that one more time, it’s not your fault. I didn’t want this; they are running with it. What am I going to do, it’s too far gone now isn’t it?” Robyn turned to us, I ain’t saying anything “if you deny it then you come out saying yes I am, it is a little weird, maybe if we stay silent and pretend nothing is happening that way it’s not confirmed or denied, just continue like nothing has happened but that is so sad on your end, that’s your news. And it’s taken away the wedding announcement, like yeah. Sorry baby” Yusuf said, I shouldn’t have touched her bump, I’m so dumb.

I personally think Yusuf is right, but Robyn is waiting for Jay Brown to call “finally” she answered the call swiftly and put it on speakerphone, she was waiting on this “hey, so what is happening. Mel has just said Twitter has announced it like it was nothing, I am trending on Twitter. This is a mess, please tell me there is a fix” they have really ruined this announcement for Robyn, and I am sad for her “honestly no, it’s there and they are running with it. Either you can confirm it’s true or keep quiet but you’re being searched a lot, I think I will set up extra security for you. Just be careful now” this is a mess “I want to sue, that place is membership only. You sort that shit out Jay, I want whoever leaked that dealt with! This is so fucking unfair, how could they. I’m just going to have to stay quiet, I’ve not even been for my twelve week scan, fuck these people. Anyways bye” Robyn disconnected the call “I am so upset, this had to happen at the worst time. Fuck the wedding now, they are going to hound me for being pregnant. I am going to lay down” poking my lips out all wide eyed, she’s angry and upset and I don’t know what to do or say to make her happy with me “I got a hangover still, chile. How are you?” Yusuf asked “erm, unsure about that” I chuckled, I messed up big time for Robyn and it wasn’t even on purpose, it was by accident because I was too excited to see what I saw.

Robyn has been asleep since, I’ve had a shower and got changed and she’s still asleep. I think I’m going to go for a walk and see a little bit of London on my own I guess. I need some air anyways; I am personally upset about it. I’ve upset my wife so of course I am, crouching down at the side of the bed. Robyn is wrapped up in the covers sleep on her side, raising my hand and touching the top of her forehead. It isn’t warm so it’s ok “hey, Robyn” resting my arm over her “baby, hey” she opened her eyes a little “yeah” she closed them “I am going to go for a walk, just somewhere close. I will be back” Robyn opened her eyes “take Rich with you” shaking my head laughing “I’m not famous, stop it. That is you, but I will be back. I need some air” pressing a kiss to Robyn’ lips as I stood up “Chris you know I am not angry at you” nodding my head as I walked off “I know” I mumbled, I just need some space and time alone. I feel all annoyed at what happened, closing the bedroom door. I just need some space and air actually alone; I don’t want anyone with me “and where are you going?” Mel asked “just getting some air, be back” just a little walk will be nice, see some scenery too. London is nice too; I can only explore alone anyways. Imagine having to walk with Robyn, I will get harassed, but I do love my twin a lot and I wouldn’t change her for the world. I get she is saying I am not to blame but honestly I feel I am, I didn’t think.

I am so unsure of London, not even in a bad way but like what the fuck is some of these stores. I am confused as hell; all I want is a drink of anything so like do they have corner stores. Frowning as I stared up at the sign, Sainsburys “excuse me” I said to this lady that is just walking “is this a store? Can I get a drink from here” she stared at me like I am crazy “sorry, oh yes you can. Just on the left” I was about to say the white lady is weird “thank you ma’am” I saluted her, I am used to being catered for, Robyn would get the things for me so this is like the first time I am on my own and I doing this myself. That was easy as hell, the drinks are right there. Now I am thinking, I am hungry too. I am a lot of things right now actually, stood in front of the wide open fridge just loads of shit, I will get a Red Bull, I need it right now. I have a little bit of cash on me, not a lot but some so this should be within budget. Walking to the side to get a bag of chips, this is crazy because it says Walkers, but this is Lays, let me just grab whatever because I will get some food instead. Let me try their chocolate too, they have everything just here and candy. Why am I excited about something I can get back home, looking to the side of me and a group of girls in uniform just staring. Looking back at the chocolate, this is hard because do I want to try the regular America thing or British, hard decision because they have American candy right there “are you Chris?” looking away from the candy and at the girls “erm, no” shaking my head, the girl “funny that, I could have sworn that is your face right there” she pointed, looking behind me “where?” she came over and snatched the magazine from the stand “this is you?” I froze seeing our front cover “oh shit, that is me” taking the magazine from her “no way” I amazed to see it in person, opening the magazine to try and get to the interview part “so are you Chris? You are married to Rihanna?” I forgot she is here “I know of her, it’s kind of vague” I shrugged it off “he is so fucking peng, oh my days. American black men are so fucking sexy” these are kids “ain’t y’all got school” walking off with it, I am going to buy this actually because it’s mine.

I don’t know why but I feel super proud of myself that I found the magazine, it was right there in front of my face too, this is funny because I am there searching for food but there was the magazine. I am going to frame it “Chris! Hey!” looking behind me, these kids ae really going to follow me “I am busy” I lied and continued to walk, I am not about to wait around and listen to them talk shit. I for one have better things to do at this moment in time then just speak to a bunch of school kids “I practically helped you buy the magazine, come on!” frowning to myself, they ain’t going to let it go at all, I stopped walking and turned around. All of a sudden the girls get shy “ok what is it?” I asked, I want them to get on with it “we just want to ask how is it to be married to Rihanna?” taking in a deep breath “depressing, what you think? Look, I am not famous, I am just a regular guy just strolling through London. Thank you for pointing out the magazine though” they deadass not taking what I am saying in, they are just staring at me in awe “ok it’s super cool to be married to her, she’s amazing and whatever you think about her it’s true. Unless you dislike her” they shook their head “can we please have a picture then we can leave you alone? Or we can help you around London” I chuckled “no I am good but if you want a picture, then let’s do it” if this means they will leave me alone then I am taking these pictures, they shrieked and came over to me “can you give my girl Betty a shoutout, she skipped school today and she will hate me for it. Oh god, you’re so fine!” what have I got myself into.

When they said pictures, they meant it. I should have made them pay for it, they had me stood there making shit obvious. I couldn’t be bothered to find no other place, so I came to McDonald’s, it’s simple and I know what to buy here. Shaking my head sighing out, the world has lost their mind with the whole Rihanna situation. Placing my straw in the drink and looked around, it’s the way the group just did a double take that got me looking away. Getting my phone out of my pocket, let me call TJ or someone because I need something to divert my attention somewhere else because these people are crazy “you’re fuckyopictures” looking up from my phone, this guy just stood over me and then his peers are there “if I say no that would be lying right?” he laughed and then turned to his friends “I told y’all niggas, I knew it. I follow this dude! Yo, bruv your shit rocks, I see your artwork and I am like this guy’ mind” he came over to me, my face softened. He actually knows me “really” I said shocked, locking my phone “yes really, like I know you got shot and you stopped your artwork, so I miss it but wow, the man himself here. I seen your shit bruv, I rock with you” I just ended up dapping him, I don’t know it just felt right “this guy is a good guy, man. I told y’all” he told his friends “he got the baddest girl in the game though, why you take my girl” the boys laughed “you get the opportunity you take it” I shrugged.

The boys ended up sitting with me, I thought why now because I ain’t like that and he seems pretty cool “so what is y’all name then?” I looked around “Howard” raising an eyebrow “I don’t know why I am judging my middle name is Maurice” I laughed “Liam, Joshua, Ethan” nodding my head “cool, Howard though. That got me, remind me of the country niggas back home they had those name like that” I joked “don’t laugh, when I can, I will change my name” shaking my head “don’t, so y’all in college or something?” I asked “yeah, we in college” nodding my head “good, stay in college. It’s good for you, so is there a school close by here because all I keep seeing is school kids catching me out” they really do be “yeah, a school and college close by. When are you going to go back to your art, and when can we buy your clothing line” I cannot believe that people really look at my stuff “y’all got me in shock, I didn’t think anyone cared about me. They just see Rihanna when they see me” I laughed “you’re super cool, it shows that nice guys win and even if you done shit in life you can do good and get yourself a Rihanna” I busted out laughing “that too, but don’t make that mistake. It is not worth it” I shook my head.

Closing the apartment door with the biggest smile to my face, I was feeling pretty shit about myself, but those boys made me happy. I took pictures with them, but they were genuine, they knew me, and I don’t know how but I guess they follow blogs or whatever, but they didn’t let that overshadow, they saw deeper and they understood my art, the kid is right, I have stopped since being shot “why are you smiling like that?” Robyn questioned confused “I found this” placing the bag on her lap, sitting down on the couch “also had these girls questioning me, when I say girls. School girls harassing me” Robyn cooed out “look how sweet we look, I love it. So you had people harassing you” nodding my head “yeah so I went to eat some food and then these boys came over to me and one of them said you’re fuckyopictures, I love your art and it kind of made me happy that he knew me for me instead of Rihanna husband, just that really” I shrugged laughing “baby that is so sweet, I am glad that made you smile. People will eventually get to know you, aww and also I am not angry at you, I really do not blame you at all, I am just going to ignore everything and we continue as we do, that is the best way but don’t think I blame you, you actually made my birthday so stop it, I am glad that made your mood better” I grinned, it really did.

#chrianna #chrianna ff #chrianna fanfiction #chriannaff #fanfiction #fanfic

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highqueenofelfhame · 4 years

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acowar reread thread

so i think i’ll update this post every few chapters unless anything super major happens that i want to immediately react to, that way you get my commentary but i’m not totally flooding and flooding and flooding your feed with a super super long post. i think i’m going to edit it under the cut and reblog it every time it gets updated and i’ll also number every update so it’s easy to find where i left off. if you guys prefer the other way i’ll transition back to the other way for acofas.) this is super fun i’ll start doing this for more books if you’re interested, including books i read for the first time. (after acofas, crescent city is next and it’ll be my first time reading it!)

UPDATES UNDER THE CUT.

1) chapters 1-5 I’ve read up through chapter five and so far my favorite thing is just how DONE feyre is with literally everyone in the spring court. the amount of times she’s had to like look away and not roll her eyes is just hilarious, her dry inner monologue, she just made a comment about having to remind herself to laugh and not strangle tamlin while they were dancing at the summer solstice and it just is so funny to me.

i miss rhys. but the few times they’ve spoken through the bond is enough to tide me over. he told her he loved her once and i sighed out loud. i’m such trash for this bitch.

feyre hijacking the summer solstice ceremony is COMEDIC GOLD. like you kNOW ianthe was fuming and furious and trying to save face the best she could but like hats off to feyre man. her character development from book one to where we’re at in book three is fantastic. she’s not a simpering little girl anymore, she’s a bad bitch and she kNOWS she’s a bad bitch and it’s just.. fucking great.

i also, as much as i don’t want to, feel for lucien A LOT. i think a lot of his behavior is heavily influenced by how he’s been treated by tamlin for most of his life and i feel genuine remorse from him and the fact that he can like tell something is up but isn’t saying anything just shows, to me anyway, how much remorse he’s genuinely feeling.

also alis knowing that something is up is just a testament to how attentive she is as a faerie and a friend and i really love that about her.

“I was the nightmare” YAS BITCH. FUCKIN YAASSS.

2) chapters 6-10 feyre is so goddamn clever. the entire time she’s bringing down the spring court she’s witty and fierce and clever and really just iS THAT BITCH, HUH?

i don’t like jurian but the fact that he still has compassion within himself for his kind despite being literally insane for being just AWAKE and aware for like 500 years is... nice and pleasantly surprising because i feel like you wouldn’t think that of him being that he’s siding with hybern so that he thanked feyre when she tried to get the children of the blessed out of there... i don’t know why i’m bringing this up, it’s just something that stuck out to me and that jurian also vouches (to feyre) about rhysand’s character and how decent of a person he found him to be. it’s just very interesting and i feel like speaks leaps and bounds about rhysand as a person.

feyre pushing tamlin to explode again... just CHEF KISS. like she really thought of everything. she thought of everything to internally make his sentries doubt him and then completely hate them by orchestrating the ianthe vs sentry debacle. she made herself seem very compassionate and kind and and showed tamlin and ianthe for what they were by doing genuinely so little. like all she did was make them show their true colors on their own and it didn’t take tOO much manipulation. idk feyre is just incredible in the spring court.

forcing ianthe to hurt herself and molding her mind to make her think she’s always afraid is so much better than just outright killing her.. (if i remember from my last read, it doesn’t hold up, but the thought is there and it’s genius) I also think that this shows a lot about feyre and her character because despite everything she couldn’t just leave lucien alone with ianthe and the unwanted advances. she stayed and fought for her friend (and by extension her mate) even when lucien wouldn’t really fight for her and so feyre is just a fuckin real one like... she’s the kind of friend that you want in your corner.

killing the hybern twins: glorious. such badassery from lucien and feyre both.

and i think it’s nice that she let lucien come along with her on her journey back to the night court despite maybe not wanting to but i also think that she knew if she left him behind he could get in serious trouble or wind up dead and so again, i think it says a lot about her character as a person.

3) chapters 11-15 i’m kind of reading and recapping every 50 pages or so which typically ends up being 4-5 chapters and it’s a good system so far so we’re gonna keep it up!

the first thing of like, real substance to comment on is lucien saying his father will kill feyre for wielding his power but feyre just responding with “he can get in line.” like her sass is sO GOOD In this book, especially in the spring court chapters.

uhhh big fuck you to eris, i don’t know why people want him to have a redemption arc, he is literally a fat sack of shit that deserves to burn and i’m not sorry for saying so. he’s abusive and cruel and doesn’t deserve like, anything at all. although i will say good on him for balking a bit when feyre revealed she’s high lady.

CASSIAN AND AZRIEL SUPERHERO LANDING ON THE ICE AND KICKING ASS!! I remember vividly the relief i felt when cassian showed up and was able to fly and i still felt so much victory when it happened again. it’s one of my favorite moments of the book so far and just really gets me. also feyre just dropping the “I’m high lady of the night court” bomb is DELICIOUS and i can’t get enough. i read it like six times. because you know as soon as the illyrians yielded to her that the autumn bitches were like “shit.”

“My love.” kILLS ME. you guys, i’ve only read this book once but i’ve reread their reuniting multiple times because it’s just so soft. rhys is so goddamn soft. he loves her so fucking much. i want rhys to call me my love and lick my tears away. goddamn.

something i think about a lot is how in acotar when tamlin had feyre alone after months of torture he just tried to fuck her despite knowing things weren’t safe. however, knowing she was home and safe, rhys didn’t try for that immediately. like yes, they kissed, but there was so much conversation before they fucked that it just, says a lot about their relationship. tamlin also always demanded to know everything about feyre’s visits as soon as she was back, not even bothering to kiss her hello but rhys was like ‘that shit can wait’ AND THEY’RE ABOUT TO GO TO WAR. rhys loves her so wholly that he wanted to make sure she was okay before he ever bothered to ask about the spring court and how everything unfolded the last few weeks. idk i’m trash for rhysand, y’all. let’s make that a shirt.

the way that rhys threatens lucien, “i won’t bother to explain it again, and i will rip out your fucking throat.” is so sexy. like how casual it was, so sexy.#ripmythroatoutrhysand

amren being a bedtime story but irl is just a cranky aunt lmao.

nesta’s ferocity is, yes, frustrating, but also so heartbreaking to me. for a very long time i had a really rough relationship with my sister and i can see my own sister in nesta (who, by the way, would murder me if she found out i said this so, kara, if u see this, i love u endlessly and i love nesta with my whole heart) especially nesta’s behavior more so in acofas which i’ll talk more about when we get there. but i just, i feel for her man. she’s been traumatized and life as she knows it has been ripped away from her and some people respond to trauma with bite. and i know it doesn’t make it right or okay but it still just makes me feel for her.

cassian and nesta’s banter just gODDAMMIT SLAYS ME. i cannot wait for an entire fucking book of this shit and an entire book of their back and forth. i think nesta loves him and doesn’t know what to do with it because she’s scared so she’s acting like a cornered animal. like nesta is a snake that will strike when cornered and threatened and i just god i can’t wait for their book.

elain... broke my heart a lot more than i remembered. as someone in the midst of my worst depression i find myself able to relate to that hollow and empty feeling like...all too well and it struck a cord and i almost cried at how empty she was.

4) chapters 16-29 there is the whole meeting at amren’s apartment and cassian defends nesta, saying that he understands her actions, her snark, why she is the way she is, and it just honestly reinforces my love for cassian. i don’t have much to say about it but that i just really love the respect that he has for others. more cassian things: feyre brings up again how even broken and literally bleeding out and on the ground with his wings completely shredded he was still crawling toward nesta and reaching for her and trying to get to her. “because i can’t stay away.” fucking cracks my heart open every time.

i love everything about the first family dinner back together. i love all the banter, i love that nesta sat in and even contributed to dinner conversation a little bit. lucien being so uncertain of the dynamic is hilarious. amren like opening herself up in a way to nesta and telling her that they’re the same, and to make sure her eruption is felt across worlds, i love it. i’m marking a lot more from amren than i thought i would. cassian at one point, he points to az and says “don’t try to blend into the shadows” and it actually made me chuckle to myself because hE DOES THAT. and it’s funny that cassian calls him on it.

i don’t think nesta gets enough credit (for like anything, we all been knew i’m a slut for her and stan her with my life) but even as broken and angry as she was she did still offer to help explore magic that she doesn’t want and got as a result of trauma so that she can try to help. she isn’t completely useless. and i like that she has backbone and isn’t just a pushover little bitch. (that isn’t directed toward elain. like i previously mentioned, i’m finding that i relate a lot to her in her current state.) i just mean that i’m glad she sticks up for herself and doesn’t just like, do what people tell her to do. ya know?

rhys being so open to feyre pushing back on him about things like, again man. tamlin erupted and got angry, rhys is like “hell, i deserved it.” just, the differences in their relationships and the toxicity that comes from tamlin and the devotion rhys has for feyre is (say it with me) DELICIOUS.

i also like that just because feyre is high lady that the IC doesn’t just like flop over and bend down and take shit (i’m looking at you, spring court.) like cassian isn’t afraid to be like “you pissed me off by sacrificing yourself.” because he cares. LIKE, AGAIN WITH HIS DEVOTION. his loyalty is just so pure. it isn’t blind but it is pure and i just, god i love it.

also everyone forgets that azriel has a dry ass sense of humor and i don’t see any of y’all writing it into your fics. “In order to fly, you’ll need wings” he said drily. IT’S DELICIOUS. dry humor is some of the best. and i like that feyre is learning more and getting to spend more time with him.

5) chapter 20-27 this one will be a bit of a dump because i accidentally read too much today so far to try to catch up from my lack of reading yesterday so... oops.

“Let’s see what names you call me when my head is between your legs, Feyre darling.” ugh. i wish a mans would say that to me. not really. i wish rhys would say that to me and only rhys. maybe rowan. or aaron warner. or cassian. or -- you get it.

amren is SO FUCKING FUNNY without doing it on purpose. like genuinely hilarious. “she’s fine. stubborn as an ass, but as you’re related, i’m not surprised.” rOAST THEM. also amren makes nesta almost smile and she makes her laugh all in the span of like ten seconds AND nesta almost smiles when amren brings up cassian. coincidencE? i tHINK NOT.

again with rhys soothing her nightmares. like god it’s so good i dont even have to say anything else abt it.

feyre realizing that the bone carver is her and rhysand’s son. SO GOOD. like SERIOUSLY SO GOOD. and this doesn’t matter at all rn but i think that rhysand’s son has the potential to be more powerful than even him but that’s a thing to get into for another time.

EVERYTHING THE BONE CARVER SAYS ABOUT NESTA. also that it’s directed at cassian is very interesting and i think the bone carver knows they’re mates. like i wonder if cassian is seeing what feyre sees: his own son. WOULDN’T THAT BE INTERESTING. “How she calls to you.” also the comment about “what did you wake that day in hybern, prince of bastards?” what did cassian wake. the wording here is interesting and i have... a lot of questions. does anyone else just also really fucking enjoy the bone carver as a character? like he’s excellent i’ve never read anything quite like him.

“nothing about nesta could frighten me” UGH MY NESSIAN HEART CAN’T FUCKING TAKE IT.

also cassian stepping it later when nesta is furious with rhysand about the flying. like, one when he sighs and says she’ll never fly again is just... funny and adorable but how nesta was charging for rhys and he casually stepped in front of her and he talked her down. “It was amren’s fault, of course, but no one believed me. and no on dare banish her.” like just babbling a bit to bring her back down to earth. absolutely fascinating and delicious that it worked, wouldn’t you agree? ;)

court of nightmares is always a pleasure. fuck eris.

also later at the town house when amren and mor and rhys are kinda going at it a bit and cassian gets nesta’s attention and nesta sidles over to him without questioning it... like. god if they aren’t endgame i’ll never read an SJM book ever again and i wholeheartedly mean that.

so i’ve seen the posts about amren being an angel i’m not sure if you guys have but yeah i think that’s a really solid theory. i think she very well could be a biblical angel because she mentioned that according to some they were perfect, that they laid waste to twin cities (sodom & gamorrah if this theory is correct) and she also mentioned yielding her grace and that she would fall. she also says she was a messenger and soldier assassin for a wrathful god ruling a young world and all of that, in my opinion, lines up with a lot of what is in the bible and what christians believe to be true. so i really really like this theory, i doubt it will ever be outright confirmed, but i think this is going to be my canon tbh.

elain is.... out of her mind. it’s fucking weird everything she says is so cryptic and odd. like it’s just weird. i don’t think she’s insane and i can’t remember exactly where elain’s storyline goes in this book but like... rn it’s just weird and cryptic and a little unsettling and also interesting that she only really responds directly to azriel because everyone else she kinda ignores but she talks to him. interesting.

6) chapters 28-49 clearly i accidentally read A LOT so we have a lOT Of ground to cover.

NESTA WAS TOTALLY CHECKING CASSIAN OUT AND THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.

azriel has fucking jokes, man. page 303 (hardcover us edition) “That pine tree wasn’t there a moment ago.” “Judging by its size, i’d say it’s been there for ... two hundred years at least.” feyre even notes that he has a dry sense of humor and it comes out more when they’re alone. i can’t get enough of it. i wish he talked more.

“Cassian finished the muffin, licking his fingers. I could have sworn nesta watched the entire thing with a sidelong glance. He grinned at her as if he knew it too.” i just love nessian so much i’m going to point out all of their cute reactions this is turning more into a nessian reaction thread SUE ME.

I think that nesta has a lot of regret and guilt over her life.over how she treated feyre because it comes out when nesta brings up to feyre that she didn’t know she couldn’t read (and again at the high lords meeting when she says they would have starved if it wasn’t for her.) i think she feels deeply and just doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t know how to express it.

When they almost get taken in the library, and cassian gets there and nesta “launches herself at him.” my heart. she was scared and she didn’t care she was just so relieved. like fuck me up that’s the shit i like.

nesta asking where cassian is the moment they get back from the battle in adriata and she was worried and scared for him. later when she does see him i think this is when the mating bond clicks into place. it’s page 398 and she says “You didn’t come to -” and then cuts herself off. they have a really fucking intense moment. cassian takes her hand and laces their fingers and they don’t really say anything for a beat until he says “Next time, emissary, i’ll come say hello.” but his voice is low and rough when he says it. “The world seemed to go utterly still at that interrupted sentence, nothing and no one more so than cassian.” i think this is when it clicks for him. maybe not for nesta but definitely for cassian.

RHYSAND RIPPING TAMLIN’S ABILITY TO SPEAK AWAY LIKE YES WE STAN A MOTHERFUCKING KING. fuck tamlin. fuck eris. and fuck beron. also nesta defending cassian in the high lords meeting (page 438, because beron calls him a bastard.) again, i’m just saying, she’s defending her fucking mate i can’t deal. feyre also exploding in the meeting and rhys just being like “You’ve proved your point, my love.” SO DELICIOUS. “I made her high lady because i love her. her power was the last thing i considered.” like fucking hELL that is how you treat your woman.

after the meeting, helion being like “You handing eris’s ass to him will be my new fantasy at night, by the way.” DELICIOUS. fucking hilarious. 10/10 recommend helion as a high lord and a mans we love to see it.

also cassian being so concerned when nesta starts to have that feeling about the cauldron being used before the wall gets shattered.he didn’t doubt her feelings for a second, i mean no one did, but he was completely unyielding when he sensed her fear and immediately looked for any sign of an immediate threat.

nesta saying she’s never worn pants and cassian saying “i have no doubt you’d start a riot if you did.” he’s thinking bout that ass. also cassian giving her a quick lesson in defense before they yeet off to the human lands to see graysen and his family. IDK I REALLY LOVE NESSIAN OKAY?!

7) chapter 50-the end. i accidentally finished the book. oops.

super intersted in nesta’s powers and if she is a witch. i can’t remember acofas at all and if nesta’s powers manifest in that book but i’m eager to see if the fracturing of the cauldron didn’t effect whatever powers she took from it. i think that could also be part of what ultimately is wrong with her on top of all the trauma.

nesta helping cassian after that first battle when his wrist is hurt. she didn’t take no for an answer and helped him and it was just really soft until mor showed up and cassian pulled his hand away. i’m conflicted about what it means to be totally honest. what it means for his feelings for nesta and what it means where mor is concerned. i don’t love how morrigan treats nesta and cassian’s... relationship? but i don’t dislike mor. i think she’s dealing and coping and has her reasons that we will likely find out about.

“Only you can decide what breaks you” is something i’d like to get tattooed. i dont really have anything else to add to it.

i was sobbing during rhys’s battle speech to everyone. i dont rlly have anything else to say about it other than i’m emo.

nesta saving cassian. again i don’t have shit to say about it other than like it makes me so emotional. she just started blinding screaming, hoping that he would come. i can’t even begin to think what his death would have done to her.

the bone carver smiling at feyre before he did hits a very specific piece of my heart and i’m not sure why or what but i had chills all over my body.

cassian telling rhys to let him return the favor/repay the debt. HURT. another thing i cried over. like shut the fuck cassian AIN’T NOBODY DYIN TODAY.

tHE Nessian moment to end all nessian moments when they would die together. like big fucking wow. you can’t tell me they’re not mates. that they don’t love each other despite how complicated all of it is. like cassian is so soft in the most unique way for her because he knows she bites and he lets her and he bites back and i just think it’s what he needs.

“tell the high lord to leave out a cup for me” AMREN SHUT UP. like fucking christ i teared up then too because i really really love her character. she’s unique and funny and dry and cranky and i just love her so much.

i’m tired of rhys sacrificing himself. there, i said it. i cried like a fucking baby and of course he woke up being a snarky little shit.

i love the end of this book. i don’t know what i’ll do with myself until january when the next one comes out. i’ll probably go back to the other format for my next read through because it’s easier and less longwinded and i think you guys liked the other way better. anywho, thank you for coming along on this lil journey!!

#acowar #acowar reread #acotar #acomaf

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dazais-guardian-angel · 4 years

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Time for my feels dump thoughts on Diabolical Box...! y’all, this game. this game. I don’t think people give it enough credit for... a lot of what it does, despite the messiness of the plot reveals... but it’s so special and unique, in ways I’m only now appreciating. also this is gonna be really REALLY fucking long I am so sorry, but I have a Lot to say about the ending parts... i just love this game so much...... so i wrote a fucking novel bc of course i did.

also i played this in October, completely unintentionally, so that’s noice.

The amount of voice acting and cutcenes in this compared to CV is amazing, I love it so much, even if it is funny sometimes the dialogue they choose to voice and then abruptly cut off a few lines later.

I had COMPLETELY forgotten about Luke jumping on Chelmey and trying to rip his face off and it’s just the funniest fucking thing omg; Hershel in the background going “NO LUKE THAT’S HIS FACE” is comedic gold.

Will we ever know what Hershel was going to say when Chelmey asked him what Luke’s relationship to him was... dammit Luke why’d you have to cut him off.

Hershel calling the hamster “generously proportioned” is amazing. also “I’ve always said that helping rodents in need is among the duties of every true gentleman” Hershel... please tell me what other situations have made you say that... please...

Why is there an entire subplot about finding this Karen’s dog, just to make Chelmey look like even more of an idiot? if they needed to pad the game out more, they definitely could have done it with flashbacks or in places that I’m... ahem... emotionally invested in

Flora’s treatment in this game is so infuriating to me, like... why did they think this was a good idea? What was the point of bringing her into the plot for NO other reason than to be kidnapped and impersonated? Was it literally just because they needed a way for Hershel and Luke to run into Don Paolo and get the box back from him??? Why couldn’t, idk, Katia run into him in Dropstone and get the box from him and save Flora, that would still get the box to her and keep Flora in the group, and it would tip them off to Katia being related to all this even earlier, and Don Paolo could still be shown there if he absolutely has to make an appearance in each game. I know it’s because he has to be built up and then revealed, and because Hershel always has to have a dramatic point-n’-reveal every game, but whyyyyyy does it have to be at the expense of Flora. :))))) It would have been interesting to see her reactions to Folsense and Anton and everything, and not have Katia be the only female involved in all this; maybe she could, you know, actually have a personality!! hahaaaa who am I kidding...

beluga: “it’s already been a year since she passed away” me: whythehellyoucryingsodamnloud.jpg

Anderson talking about Dropstone and the sacrifices made to found it and how it can’t die out like “other towns”... with the song playing... whythehellyoucryingsodamnloud.jpg

The sheer coincidence of Katia going to Folsense on the same day that Hershel and Luke would end up in Dropstone and then there, and on the 50th anniversary of the town... not a likely one.

Didn’t some versions of the game come with a real version of the train ticket to Folsense? I want it D:

i also want a real Elysian Box, like can i commission someone to make one minus the whole you know actual gold, please, i’ll pay aNYTHING- *sobs*

LUKE HOW COULD YOU FORGET THAT HERSHEL IS AN ARCHEOLOGIST, AFTER ALL THE ARCHEOLOGICAL SHIT YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH

Hershel to “Flora”: “you’re as white as a sheet!” Don Paolo, minutes ago while the others aren’t looking: *furiously powdering his face mask or some shit*

Why was Anton’s diary lying in the street though... it doesn’t make sense that Katia or Beluga would have it, and they couldn’t open it anyhow. probably just a gameplay thing that should go unquestioned but I want to knowwww lol. Also wish Hershel and Luke had reactions to the entries.

Ilyana tho. Also bootleg Clive asdfghjkl

I LOVE THE TOWER OF HANOI PANCAKE PUZZLES

Am I the only one who doesn’t understand the obsession with the tea set... like yeah it’s fun to serve tea when you actually get it right, but I’m stuck with like two recipes missing and getting frustrated just trying and trying countless ingredient combinations on end because some of the npcs are NOT helpful enough in telling what to make :))))

Obviously Katia can’t reveal anything or say anything about why she’s there at all to keep the suspense till the end, but it would have been cool to see her working together with them and making a plan to get into the castle and help Anton aka I just wanted more scenes with Anton being nice and not flying into a rage over a misunderstanding ugh

It’s honestly pretty impressive some of the deductions/connections Chelmey makes in this game, despite his... other incredibly stupid ones lol

“iSnT iT oBvIoUs?”

WHY DOES HERSHEL RISK KILLING LUKE (AGAIN) WITH THE BOX. And why tf does it not do anything to them since they assumed it would...?

The biggest mystery of the series is how Pavel gets where he does, truly

The music in the forest is truly one of the best osts, god I love it. I also adore the Herzen Castle ost now, I never really noticed it before but it is WONDERFULLY creepy and heavy and melancholic and just... idk, those harpsicords go hard. damn.

Opening the Elysian Box is the best puzzle in the series, because of the meaning behind it. Or at least, it’s my favorite for that reason :^)

Alright folks so I’m gonna be completely, unabashedly honest here, and reveal myself to be the superficial, shallow fucker I am lmao: Anton is super hot and I’m still attracted to him even now, and I hate that we get so little time with younger him dklslskdfkflssd I AM SORRY I CAN’T HELP IT OKAY. BLAME THE VOICE ACTOR, HE HAD NO RIGHT TO SOUND SO UNEXPECTEDLY DEEP AND INCREASE ANTON’S HOTNESS LEVEL BY 1000%... just. god damn. damn. the dining room scene. the lighting. the way he puts his hands down and closes his eyes at one point. the way he says Herzen. the freaking sass with “chalk it up to my bad taste then.” the little clap. his entire design which just oozes Victorian era anime bishie beauty. kudos to the character designer who was like “well they said make someone cool and handsome and i wasn’t sure what to do but i tried and i guess it worked out” GOOD SIR BOY DID YOU SUCCEED. how dare this man turn me on so much, fUCK. And I know it’s super shitty of me to not like his old design as much!!! but just!!! why the beak nose.... why.... he was so gorgeous and then you give him the Bronev nose treatment..... i’m already so sad over the ending but you make him look so much sADDER, THE SADDEST POSSIBLE DESIGN FOR OLDER ANTON. It’s not that I mind him being old, I just wish he looked more like himself... there didn’t need to be such a drastic change. But I know I’m just being petty lmao. anyway stan Anton for most beautiful PL character always 🙏 Descole and Clive’s hotness have nothing on this man

*ahem* But to get back to serious topics, replaying this now when I’m older, with the ones after it in mind, I think I finally realize why this game stands out to me so much from the others, making it my favorite. To put it as best I can, Diabolical Box, to me at least, just has a different feel from all the other PL games. Yes, it’s still definitely a Layton game, you still investigate a mystery, there’s still puzzles everywhere, it still has a relaxing city or country feel to the atmosphere, there’s still lots of charm, but once you hit Folsense and the climax and the ending reveals, the tone sort of... shifts? Not drastically, but enough that’s different from any point in all the other games that I can remember; I feel like Last Spector might have the closest kind of atmosphere to Folsense at certain parts, but even then the plot of that game is nowhere near to having the same tone as this one. Diabolical Box, when you really look close at it and think about it, is dark. Dark in a way that none of the other games are, despite the darkness some of the others do have. And I think part of that is because almost every other game/movie is connected to the overarching story involving Hershel’s past and people involved with him, and so the drama and angst is very much grounded in London or other places Hershel would be/was, and in his time, but Diabolical Box is unique in that the story and characters in it have nothing to do with him. And to reflect this, Anton and Sophia’s story is based in the early 1900′s, the Victorian era, in a city so far separated from, again, everything to do with Hershel, that if you were to just watch their story by itself and take the professor and Luke out of it, and you knew nothing about the series, you could reasonably argue that it isn’t from a Professor Layton game at all. What I mean is that Anton’s story could be an entire anime all on its own surely it’s not obvious how badly I want that, nope, not at all, completely separate from this series, and it would work; it could be its own period era-esque drama series, still with all the supernatural shit intact later on. I can think of a few existing anime similar to what I’m imagining.

And I really do think it would be amazing, because like I said this story is terribly, terribly dark, and sad; as a PL game, like a lot of the other ones, it can’t go deep into the nitty gritty of what makes Anton’s story so fucking depressing, but just like... Imagine it. Imagine being alone, for so long in that castle, so long that you don’t even know how long it’s been anymore, with virtually no one, after having your heart broken and being abandoned by the person you loved the most, and who you thought loved you, and getting no closure about it. This long post goes a ton of detail about Anton’s character and things he was probably feeling/reasons for his behavior, but in short, Anton’s mother is never mentioned, so combined with how distant he was from his father and the fact that he feels alone in his role in society and that no one truly sees him as a real person, it’s quite possible that he clung to Sophia unconsciously as a mother figure, and, in general, she was the only person who made him feel seen, and loved. The only exception was Beluga, but Beluga leaves the town and Anton behind after quarreling with their father, so... It’s just extremely apparent when you read the diary entries and his dialogue (with the voice acting) that Anton was always alone and terribly insecure, and that Sophia made him the happiest he ever was - and so her leaving him was devastating to him. He was alone for fifty years (and who knows how long it actually felt, to him), in a lonely castle and emptying town, his entire family either left or dead, his body slowly aging without him even knowing it, while he had a daughter and granddaughter born without even knowing it, and all the while he’s left with the misunderstanding that Sophia might have loved someone “better” than him all along, never getting answers, having to live with all that grief and guilt and blame and jealousy and self-hatred over a situation that wasn’t even entirely true. Imagine what your MENTAL STATE would be like, jfc it’s a miracle he’s as sane as he is in the game!! Not to mention everything that crashes down on him within TEN MINUTES AT THE END. Yes, Unwound Future and the prequels very purposefully heap the angst on with Clive/Dimitri and Descole respectively, like “we are trying so hard to make you feel for this guy cry cry cry” and I fall for it like the trash i am love them too, don’t get me wrong, but Anton’s tragedy is much more understated but in my opinion is by far the absolute saddest of them all. I just... i’m crying y’all, this poor man. give him a fucking HUG. Anton Did Nothing Wrong 2k20; he doesn’t even hurt the people he lures in with his vampire scheme!! he lets them go without a scratch!!! what a guy... give him a hug and blankets please i love him so much, him and Sophia- *sobs*

and also as a side note, I honestly think Descole/Desmond would fit perfectly into this game for a lot of these reasons, in the trend of “trying to fit Descole into the first trilogy”; he’s got the right Aesthetic™ for one thing, but mainly just he and Anton have a LOT in common...! actually, now that I think about it, Randall and Anton do too, but I much prefer the notion of Descole and Anton interacting. honestly, I’m toying with the idea of an AU where Desmond and resurrected Aurora end up in Folsense and solve that mystery themselves instead of Hershel and Luke; i think it’d be fascinating.

However, by the same token, as much as I LOVE this game and characters for all of those reasons... it also makes no fucking sense ahaha. How the FUCK does the gas work. The illness that started killing people when the ore was first unearthed and is the reason everyone starts leaving, is THAT from the gas I assume?? but like why?? cause eventually it just turns to making the town appear as it was years ago and keeping people young, so...? ARE ALL THE TOWNSPEOPLE NOT ACTUALLY THERE, OR THEY ARE AND ARE JUST YOUNG LIKE ANTON; I’m still not clear on this!! because Hershel at the end says they’re illusions, and yet when you talk to the npcs so many of them complain about being tired and feeling old, so what is the truth!! It would make sense if newcomers see the town as it is in the pictures, but there’s no reason for them to not age... in fact, I don’t understand where the not aging thing comes from at ALL, since if the idea is that the gas makes what you think will happen happen, how tf did that even come about in the first place??? There’s no way everyone who inhaled the gas would think the exact same things and have the exact same hallucination. And if fifty years passed in reality, how long did it feel like to Anton/others; surely it couldn’t have been that long if they never questioned why they weren’t aging? If the gas in the box put Schrader in a coma, what was his theory about what would happen? Why does nothing happen to Hershel and Luke upon opening it when they clearly assume something will happen? Related to other things, how does the box become the source of a rumor, and how does Schrader even get it? Do people just assume Anton is dead or otherwise gone, or do they know/assume he’s still in the castle but don’t try to see him because of the vampire? Does Beluga know Anton is still there, if he does it’s pretty shitty of him to ignore him, and why does he think the box has to do with the fortune of all things if he possibly knew Sophia wanted it and knew it had something to do with her and Anton (seriously I don’t understand Beluga, I really wish they’d done more with him; he looks so shitty even if you give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he knew the least amount possible)??? Did Sammy know that the drugged flowers related to getting into Folsense? Did Katia know how to get into Folsense, and what was she planning to do if she never found the box in order to prove she was who she said she was? Why do some of the npcs act like they know the deep dark secret of Folsense and keep saying Hershel and Luke don’t need to know, and keep talking about the town being cursed, like do they really know the truth?? Or not??? LEVEL-5 I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS AND I’M TOO DUMB TO FIGURE OUT THE ANSWERS. EVEN LAYTON VS. WRIGHT’S STUPID REVEALS MAKE MORE SENSE THAN THIS AAAAAHHHH

anyway DB best game anton hot Even with all the weirdness though that makes this game the most Layton the Layton series has ever Layton’d lmao, I still love Diabolical Box so damn much. I love it so much, guys. It’s not part of a huge narrative, it’s not connected to the main characters; it tells its own little story and it does that perfectly. It’s so unique from all the rest, like I said, the plot has so much depth I don’t really see talked about, Anton and Sophia’s story is so beautifully tragic and underrated on a mature level that none of the other games really reach, and despite how upset I am we don’t get to see more of them, their love story is so impactful and emotional just from what little we do see, despite some of the oddities of how it plays out... they’re so sweet together and I cry so damn much over them ಥ⌣ಥ Iris is one of the most beautiful and touching songs in the series, too, and my favorite. And I’m a sucker for the Victorian era and cute romance lmao, so it just gets me like nothing else does... it’s so wonderful. saddest PL game, I will die on this hill. Even if I seem to talk a lot more about some of the other games/characters simply because there’s more content to talk about and there’s more to say about the more flawed content. you can’t improve perfection *chef’s kiss*, deep down, I think, this game will always be my favorite. ❤️

#professor layton #professor layton spoilers #meta #'thoughts post' more like Dana Rants An Entire Novel of Feels #but what is tumblr for if not this amiright #anton and sophia utterly destroy me and they always will #there's not much shown but what IS shown is so goddamn devastating and painful and bittersweet #i don't ship much but they're one of my otps so u know they good :')#i wanted to say even more here but i felt so guilty for how fucking massive this post was alksdfkfl;ss i cut some of it out already #i can kinda relate to Anton though tbh.... not getting closure on a relationship ending is truly painful; it's one of the worst things ever #so i feel for him </3 #and i love him #protect anton herzen always #and stan DB always

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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Stupid For You, Chapter 4 (Crygi, Jankie, Jaida x Nicky) - Metaluna

summary: Jackie has to address her actions from the party, while Gigi has to process feelings she’d rather not. Also, if you aren’t familiar with speaking on radios, 10-4 means affirmative.

Gigi spent the rest of the day in bed. After crying until her eyes were red and puffy, she sat in bed trying to process everything. Crystal had a boyfriend. A boyfriend. When she shut her eyes, all she could see was the blonde boy and Crystal kissing. All Gigi could do was think about their relationship. How did they meet? Who asked who out? Have they slept together? Were they in love? Was it serious? She then pictured them doing gross romantic couple things. The thought of Crystal and that boy going to a pumpkin patch and picking out a pumpkin while sharing hot apple cider made her heart sink. Gigi pictured the two of them at prom, his tux matching her dress, dancing the night away. After breaking her heart with more scenarios, she forced herself to stop thinking so hard about it.

No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop thinking about the night before. Gigi thought about how beautiful and carefree Crystal looked… She thought about the way her face lit up when she won beer pong. She started thinking about the two of them dancing… The way Crystal’s hips swayed against her… Gigi’s mind wandered to when Crystal changed in front of her.

Never had Gigi Goode seen anyone’s bare chest but her own. She bit her lip as she pictured Crystal topless, while stroking her own breast, while her other hand trailed downward… She knew it was a bad idea, so she forced herself to stop. Gigi sat up in bed, trying desperately to clear her head.

Her next thoughts were about Crystal’s sexuality. Was she straight? With the way that she acted around her, Gigi was almost certain that she wasn’t. There was no way. But what if she was? What if she was reaching, and everything Crystal did was completely reasonable for a friend to do?

Back when Nora lived at home, Gigi watched her older sister get her heartbroken many times. Nora, much like Jaida, got extremely invested extremely quickly. One time when she was fourteen and Nora was eighteen, Gigi watched her big sister cry over some boy on the debate team. It had been the second time that month. Gigi, who had finally had enough told her sister to stop being so stupid for him.

Now she was trying to tell herself to stop being so stupid for Crystal. Four years later, Gigi understood that her words were much easier said than done.

Gigi just hoped to God that she would be able to keep it together the next morning.

“Hello, my love!” Crystal said cheerfully handing an extremely unenthused Gigi a coffee mug.

Gigi forced herself to snap out of it. It’s not like Crystal was shattering her heart into a million pieces and then torching them on purpose.

Crystal looked at Gigi. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m just tired.”

“Gotcha. I feel you. Me and Ryan went hiking yesterday. Hiking isn’t fun hungover. It’s not very much fun to begin with, but especially not when you’re hungover, but I promised him I’d go.”

This was her chance. “I didn’t know you even had a boyfriend.”

“Yeah! We’ve been together since freshman year of high school. I guess I’m just not the type of person to gush about her boyfriend.”

“That’s so… sweet,” Gigi managed through gritted teeth.

“I really love him. This is so lame, but we won homecoming king and queen.”

“Awe, cute.” Gigi could hear her the insincerity dripping from her voice. Thankfully Crystal couldn’t.

“He’s really the best. I think you guys would get along really well.”

Yeah, right.

Gigi hesitated. “Why don’t you ever post pictures with him?” Because of the many nights spent stalking Crystal’s social media, if there was any mention of a boyfriend, she would have known.

“Honestly?” Crystal began. “He doesn’t really like to take pictures. He’s very anti-social media. Ryan is low key a conspiracy theorist. Almost every day he tells me to delete my social media because now North Korea has my information or something.”

“That’s so… interesting.”

What about you, do you have a boyfriend?”

“Nope.”

“Did you just not want one or…”

Gigi trusted Crystal, but didn’t trust her enough to tell her everything about her. Not yet. “I think that I’m afraid to let people in.”

“Really?”

She sighed. “Ever since my dad, I’ve had a hard time trusting anyone. Abandonment issues and shit.”

“I am so sorry.”

“I guess I just look at as what’s the point of dating if they’re just going to leave anyway?”

Crystal held her hand on top of Gigi’s and looked at her with a face full of sincerity. “I’ll never leave you.”

“Thank you,” Gigi managed in just above a whisper.

“You know too much about me. I like you, and really don’t want to have to kill you.”

—

Jackie was one to always be on time. However, she was not one to be an extra half an hour early. But, she knew that Jan was opening, and aimed to avoid the blonde at all costs. Unfortunately for Jackie, when opening her locker, she saw blonde hair and a purple backpack out of the corner of her eye. As much as she hoped she wouldn’t, Jan made her way over.

“Jackie, hi. Do you want to talk about… it?”

“I’d prefer to not if that’s okay,” Jackie said shoving her bag inside of her locker.

“Jackie, don’t shut me out. I know that it probably isn’t like you to do something like that, but it happened. It happened, and you can’t take it back. I know we haven’t known each other for that long, but I really value and respect you as a person. I don’t know why you freaked out, especially because kissed me first. I’ll give you space if you want space, but please. Talk to me when you’re ready.” She walked away without waiting for a response.

For the rest of the day, Jackie couldn’t focus. She was team lead that day, and almost forgot to send Nicky on her break. While in tower, all Jackie could think about was Jan. She had no idea why she couldn’t shake the blonde from her head. Even though she dated boys all through school, she never felt strongly toward any of them. She slept with her boyfriend in junior year, but broke up with him right after, because she felt nothing toward him. There was something different about Jan. Jackie felt things toward Jan that she thought she was supposed to feel to her boyfriends. The keyword being boyfriend. Being gay was out of the question for Jackie. Her entire life, both of her parents that being gay was immoral and disgusting, something Jackie never understood. It was up until she met Jaida her first summer at Paradise Isle before she even met a gay person. As Jackie looked at the monitors from tower, she tried to reassure herself that she definitely wasn’t gay, and that Jan was just pretty. Even if she knew it wasn’t true.

Finally, it was time for her break. Jackie looked around, making sure that Jan wasn’t also on her break. Thankfully, she was in the clear. Jaida was sitting at a table by herself eating a salad.

“Hey, girl,” Jaida said as Jackie sat across from her.

“Jaida. I have a problem.”

“Is that problem a pretty blonde girl named Jan?”

“How did you know?”

“What do you remember about the party?”

“I kissed Jan. Like. I initiated it, apparently. But it was just one kiss right?”

“Ooh, chile. No, you guys were making out. For a while. Everyone saw. You were grabbing her ass and everything.”

Jackie buried her head in her hands. “Oh, no.”

“Have you seen her today?“

“Yeah, this morning. She tried to talk to me, but I wouldn’t listen. She agreed to give me space… I can’t hold this off forever, Jaida.”

“No. You can’t. You know what y’all need?” Jaida questioned.

“What?”

“You know what.”

“I’m not taking Jan onto the Ferris wheel.”

Because Paradise Isle was mostly ran by people who were all around the same age, there were plenty of relationships, flings, and conflicts. When any problems arose, it was customary to go into the Ferris wheel to resolve any issues. The parties in question would ride until they either they resolved their issues, stormed off angrily, or ran away crying. It wasn’t something management allowed, but the supervisors knew how much conflict it resolved, so they let it slide. Jackie had never had to take any rides in the Ferris wheel. Jaida, however, took at least one a summer. Her second summer she took three.

“If you don’t take her, I’m going to shove your skinny Persian ass into that ride. I’ll drag Jan by the hair if I have to. You are going to talk this out. Okay?”

Jackie grumbled. “I guess.”

“Tell Jan to meet you at the Ferris wheel. The Genie closes early tonight for maintenance, right?”

Jackie nodded. Once a month, The Genie closed a half an hour early for maintenance, which made it the perfect night.

“Okay, perfect. Jan’s stocking tonight, so it’ll be easy for her to slip away.”

Jackie’s heart beat fast as she tried to come up with what to text Jan. She reread it twice and made Jaida read it, too before she sent it.

Hey. I’m really sorry. Can we talk? I’ll be at the Ferris wheel at close.

Jan responded almost immediately.

ill see you then

“How did she respond so fast?” Jackie questioned.

“Stockers do whatever they want. Anyway. My break’s over. Let me know how it goes.”

“Will do.”

—

Gigi couldn’t stop thinking about Crystal. It didn’t help that she was in the slowest store, at the slowest time of the night, all by herself. Nobody wanted to buy overpriced, blurry photos of themselves on rides. She debated calling Jan because she was bored, but decided against it, since Jan was going to be by soon to close the store.

“Hey, gorg,” Jan said as she made her way inside.

“Hey.”

“What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“’Hey.’” Jan mocked Gigi’s depressed tone as she started shutting down photo monitors.

“Promise you won’t tell?” Gigi felt like she was in middle school saying that sentence.

“Pinky promise.”

Gigi linked pinkies with Jan while emptying the register. “So me and Crystal got super close super quickly, I’m sure you saw.”

“Yeah, of course. She’s a sweetheart.”

“Yeah she is. Anyway. I started feeling…. Feelings toward her. Do you follow?” Jan nodded. “And honestly, I thought she felt the same way… She spent the night at my house after the party and literally cuddled with me.”

“Oh wow, really?”

“Yeah. So here I was, thinking that she felt the same way. Turns out I was completely wrong. Get this, she gets picked up from my house by her boyfriend.”

“Oof.”

“Oof, indeed.”

“Well,” Jan said. “Have you thought about telling her?”

“Absolutely not.” Gigi finished putting the rest of the money in the locked bag. The two girls headed out of the store.

“Why not?”

“What good is it going to do?”

Jan slammed the gate in front of the store shut as they left.

“Would it give you any sort of peace of mind?”

“I mean, maybe. But what if it ruins everything? It’s not like she’s gonna break up with him on the spot to date me. Why would–”

They were interrupted on their way to the money room by an older woman.

“I’m supposed to meet my family at The Landing. How do I get there?”

Jan smiled kindly. “Ma’am you’re on The Landing right now.”

“I am? Where’s my family?”

“Can’t help you with that ma’am, hope you find them!” Jan walked away before the woman could continue.

Gigi rolled her eyes at the woman. “Why would I risk the friendship? I’d rather have her in my life as my friend than not at all.”

They reached the money room, where they were greeted by Nina. After handing her the locked money bag, they made their way to Isle Mercantile’s stockroom to help close.

“At the end of the day, it’s up to you. I can’t tell you what to do. It’s not an easy situation, and it doesn’t have a clear answer. I’m sorry Gigi.” Jan hugged Gigi.

“Thanks, Jan.”

Jan. “Oh shit. I’m late.”

“Late for what?”

“Jackie wants to talk about… things.”

“Good luck.”

—

The rest of Jackie’s workday went by disgustingly slow. At least she spent the rest of her shift at Load 1, which meant that she ran back and forth checking lapbars, and then engaging her console. It kept her busy and kept her mind off of Jan, at least for a while.

Once her shift ended, Jackie changed into the clothes that she had in her bag, old jean shorts, and a t-shirt with her university’s logo, desperately wishing that she kept cuter spare clothes. Close to closing, all attractions on The Boardwalk had a short wait. When she got there, a slightly unusual girl named Yvie was operating the ride. Jackie didn’t know Yvie well, but remembered that the year prior, Yvie had to ride the wheel with a girl named Scarlet.

It was five minutes after close. All Jackie could do was think about what a big mistake she made until she saw Jan running full force down The Boardwalk. “I’m so sorry! I was mending a broken heart.”

“Good luck,” Yvie said as they went up.

Jackie and Jan didn’t say anything at first.

Finally, Jan broke the silence. “Do you regret it?”

“What?”

“Do you regret kissing me?”

Jackie sat, methodically constructing her answer. “No. No, I don’t.”

“Well why did you freak out then? I hope you know that you really fucking hurt me, Jackie.”

This made Jackie’s heart break. Knowing that she caused such a kind soul hurt killed her. “Jan, I am so, so sorry. That is the last thing I wanted to do. I just need you to know one thing.”

“What?”

“It had absolutely nothing to do with you… Honestly my entire life my parents told me being gay was bad, and I didn’t think I believed them, but maybe part of my subconscious did. Not that at all is an excuse for my behavior. The thought of liking a girl the way I was told I was supposed to like boys freaked me the fuck out.”

They reached the platform.

“Again?” Yvie asked.

Jackie nodded.

“Gotcha.”

“I never even considered the fact that I could be gay. And then I met you, and you’re so confident in who you are.”

“Confident in who I am? Jackie, I’ve never labelled my sexuality. I dated a couple boys in my time, but also hooked up with a girl on my soccer team. I just know that if I like someone, I like them. I don’t really think anything beyond that matters, not that I haven’t had late nights where I couldn’t stop thinking about how confused I was.”

Jackie was surprised. Jan seemed so sure of herself, so it was unusual to imagine her being unsure about anything. “Really? You seem so confident about literally everything.”

“Do you wanna know a secret? Most of it’s fake. My mom used to always tell me ‘fake it til you make it,’ and I guess it stuck.”

They reached the bottom again. Yvie looked at them and Jackie nodded.

“10-4.”

They started rising again.

Jackie exhaled. Her heart was pounding. It was now or never. “I’ve dated boys all throughout school. I slept with one of them. And honestly, Jan? I felt more when I kissed you the other night than I ever did when I was with any of them, and I was drunk… Jan, I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the party. I think about how you light up every room you go into. I think about how pretty you are when you smile. I keep thinking about kissing you again.”

“Wow.”

“And I’m sorry if that’s strong, but I just need to tell let that off my chest and I understand if–”

Jan didn’t let Jackie finish. Instead, she grabbed her shirt and kissed her. If Jackie thought kissing Jan drunk was nice, kissing her sober was incredible. Their lips moved in perfect synchronization. Jackie was used to boys who led with the tongue. Instead, Jan’s kisses were gentle, yet powerful. Jackie unconsciously moved her hand through Jan’s soft hair. Eventually, Jan broke the kiss.

“Is that okay that I did that?”

Instead of answering, Jackie pulled her into another kiss. At this point, they reached the top.

“I really like you, Jan. I don’t really know how to process that information, but I know that I like kissing you.”

“I like kissing you, too. We can take it as slowly as you want. I want to see where this goes. I think we have something good here.”

“I think so, too.”

Jan rested her head on Jackie’s shoulder the rest of the way down.

Yvie looked in at them. “You guys good?”

Jan smiled. “Never better.”

#rpdr fanfiction #gigi goode #crystal methyd #jan sport #jackie cox #jaida essence hall #nicky doll #crygi #jankie #jaida x nicky #lesbian au #stupid for you #metaluna #s12 #submission

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shelbsmlynn · 3 years

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worst firsts with brittany furlan

a small blurb from my fic ‘rocket queen’ where talulah guest stars on her stepmom’s podcast.

we also get talulah’s backstory in this lil blurb/ drabble.

⚠️content warning ⚠️ : mentions of abuse, r*pe, and infant loss

talulah sat in her favorite spinny chair, as her stepmom said “ hi everyone, welcome back to worst firsts and today we have my stepdaughter, little miss talulah tallahassee lee. how are ya, lil’ human?”

talulah said “hi! i’m great, i’m extremely comfy, and i’ve finally found my favorite stuffed animal from my childhood, so that’s fun.”

brittany smiled,and said “you’re like a boudoir model, right?”

talulah smiled and said “not really, i’m actually a tattoo artist, but i love being a lil’ slut sometimes. i spend my dad’s money at the lingerié store,and it honestly pisses him off sometimes, like i’ll be chillin’ on the kitchen floor smoking a cigarette and he’ll be looking at his credit card bills and he’ll be like lulah, why is there a charge for $2,000.00 from hustler on my card? like what the fuck are you buying from the fuckin’ panty store?!?!?”

brittany said “ those conversations can go from 5 minutes to like 4 hours, and it’s insane, anyway you’re dating the guitar god himself, aren’t you?”

talulah nodded “yeah, slash is super sweet, and he treats me like a little princess,like he’ll open my car door for me, and brush my hair for me,and he loves washing my hair for me. so i’m absolutely obsessed with squishmallows, and every time he comes over, he’ll bring me a different squishmallow,”

brittany smirked,and said “how would you describe sex with slash in one word?”

talulah sighed “ one word, girl, you can’t do that shit to me,cuz there’s too many words to describe it, but the first one that comes to mind would be rough. and i don’t mean like boring vanilla shit, i mean like bdsm rough, like we can drop a couple racks at a sex shop,easily. here’s an ego boost for ya,daddy. slash puts christian grey to shame, but unlike mr.grey, slash actually uses safe words, and gives amazing aftercare.”

brittany gave talulah a weird look and said “damn girl, you’re fuckin’ freaky. also, where did that cuban link choker come from, cus i need it . it’s super cute.”

talulah ran her fingers over the cuban link collar around her neck, and said “ it’s my day collar. the clasp in the back is actually a padlock. i’m very fond of the way cuban link looks, and i have a lot of link jewelry, so it matches, and looks inconspicuous.”

brittany said “okay, i know it’s been awhile, but i still cannot get over the dress you wore for the dirt premier. please elaborate on that, that dres was fuckin’ beautiful.”

talulah smiled and said “oh, my god. that dress was beautiful, nikki actually helped me pick it out,and for those of y’all that don’t know, it was a bright red dress with splits in the sides, clean up to my hips, and i had heads turning like crazy. i was with machine gun kelly at the time, and when he saw me, his fuckin’ jaw dropped so far, i thought that thing was gon’ fall off his head. my dad literally picked colson’s jaw up, and closed his mouth for him. all of my tattoos were visible, which apparently made dudes go crazy.

i remember pete davidson going ‘sweet jesus, that thing makes you look like a motherfuckin’ goddess’ when he saw me.

i’m pretty sad that the dress wound up in pieces on the floor of a 5 star hotel room later that night, because i loved that thing. and no, i’m not gonna tell you who i fucked that night. y’all can just guess who it was.”

brittany smiled and said “you and your brothers grew up complete opposite right?”

talulah nodded and said “ oh yeah, my brothers stayed attached to pam at the hip, and they still do, if they’re given the chance. meanwhile i grew up sticking to tommy like glue, and that’s because of the emotional and physical abuse i went through from pam and one of her abusive boyfriends from ages 13 to 14. the abuse finally stopped one day when pam dropped me and my brothers off with dad, and my nose was all bloody and both my eyes were blacked. dad was livid when he saw me. next thing i know, pam’s signing her rights away, and tommy had full custody of me, but not my brothers. which led us to grow up way different.”

brittany gave talulah a loving smile and said “ it’s amazing to see you overcome your trauma and become such an amazing woman. you’ve got an amazing job, and you’re just exploring life and doing things that make you happy,and i’m so fuckin’ proud of you for that.”

talulah sighed as she pulled a pack of red marlboro 72’s and a pack of matches out of her pocket and said “ i ain’t overcome shit, britty. hell, pam’s boyfriend at the time r*ped me, and got me pregnant. long story short, my daughter died in my arms,because she had a huge hole in her heart.”

tears welled up in talulah’s mismatched colored eyes, as she pulled a cigarette out of the pack, and put it to her lips “ her name was badlee dianne lee. she woulda been a lil’ spitfire,between me as her mother and the terror twins as her grandfather and godfather, she woulda been fuckin’ wild, spoiled rotten, too.”

a few tears fell from talulah’s eyes as she struck the match in her right hand and lit her cigarette. she often thought about badlee, but it had been over 11 years since she held her daughter.

“i got to hold her for a minute,then when the doctor came to get her to run their tests and procedures, they picked her up, and she was dead. i sobbed for a good six hours after that. i couldn’t even plan her funeral by myself. i wound up falling into a depression after her funeral, and bonded with uncle vince a lot more.”

brittany gave talulah a sad look, and said “i’m sorry to end this podcast on a sad note, but we’re out of time.”

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