#And I keep remembering my grandpa
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Being the way I am, I ignore the shit I haven’t processed, but now I’m crying because I don’t want to go to camp
#Last year I was alone#Like earlier I mentioned that I was so upset with being alone that I cried almost every time I wasn’t with someone#Bc it was the first year without my best friend going#Then my next closest friend came to camp late bc she was on a cruise#And she said she felt bad bc she didn’t know I was lonely#And even tho she and the crush are both gonna be there this year#I’m gonna feel so fucking alone bc the bad memories always creep in and I don’t want them to hear that.#I don’t want to go#last year sucked#And it was at the height of my middle of the summer depressive episode#which is coming back#So I’m gonna be depressed again and feeling bad#And I keep remembering my grandpa#Gods I miss him#I keep thinking that he’s still here but it’s been four fucking years#And I had an anxiety attack this morning because I saw someone who looked like my ex best friend#So I’m not doing okay#And I’m alone at home crying#After nearly two weeks of always having a friend right next to me#I want to stop existing
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online buddy of mine (born in 2004) said “i strongly suspect the vast majority of ‘I'll always remember where I was on 9/11’ stories are not true. I simply don't believe that 75% of people were watching the news live at 8:45 in the morning on a Tuesday when the strangest thing happened.” and like. okay. we can talk about the aftermath in the 22 years since 9/11 and the horrific and evil jingoism that ruined countless lives in decades-long wars all we want. but i cannot overstate enough that 1) we still very much had a monoculture in 2001. most americans would watch either the today show or GMA. 2) as soon as that first plane hit every news station in the country was covering it. schools and businesses and break rooms turned on every tv. every radio. anything that had the ability to broadcast the news. (smartphones weren’t a thing. cell phones and the internet existed but they were new and fragile. unreliable. your best bet was still to sit there and watch. or listen.) and we all sat there and watched the second plane hit and the pentagon hit and the towers collapse and flight 93. so, yes: basically everyone who was alive and old enough to form lasting memories in 2001 remembers that day and the coverage. even people who weren’t near a tv or radio in real time remember where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news. they probably even remember the reason why they didn’t hear about it in real time. i was 5 years old in my first week of first grade and i remember it. it was like. the biggest thing to happen in this country since fucking. pearl harbor. bigger. there’s no need to downplay that.
#personally: my school intentionally kept us in the dark and didn’t dismiss us so i didn’t find out until i got home#but we all knew something was up because it was a glorious september tuesday and they cancelled recess to keep us inside#and all of the teachers looked shaken and some kids were picked up by their parents.#i still remember the look on the face of the mom of one of my classmates. we would later find out that her dad (my friend’s grandpa) died.#but they didn’t tell us what was going on and i think they made the right choice.#didn’t want to traumatize thousands children more than necessary. i think they were right.#i still remember exactly where i was and how my parents told us though#and i remember all of the coverage after. all of it.
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Back in college, during my first lab job, my cubiclemate Bill, who was like 50 or 60, asked me what my favorite theory of moon formation was. We had a nice little chat about it, he was a fan of the Giant Impact theory. No one really asks that one anymore, it is not really up for much of a debate, but I hope wherever he is, Bill's happy that he won.
#Cool as hell how what we know about the past keeps on increasing day by day#Lotta stuff we used to not know that by the virtue of human endeavor we now do know#He had no idea who my grandpa was when he asked#And quite frankly neither did I in regards to this topic#I don't have a point beyond remembering this guy fondly for a little bit
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i like him
#somebody needs to keep me 8 metres away at all times or else ill start chewing on him#i just want everyone to know if i end up making a character who happens to resemble harvey in any shape or form#it probably wasnt a coincidence 😐and it will happen again#if i remember maybe ill try getting stardew when it goes on sale.. my friend showed me her farm and she named her chicken after doja cat#or maybe it was nikki minaj i cant remember. and she also said smth about monsters and passing out if you stay out after a certain hour#idk how accurate tht is all i know is the funny fucked up grandpas bed#i read somewhere that harveys supposed to be in his early to mid thirties and i dont have a problem with it but i think itd be very funny#if hes actually younger than he looks hes just a med school postgrad lmao. idk how well that headcanon would hold up since ive#never played the game and idk how often ppl talk about his age or if itsjust an implied thing. i just think its really really funny#im trying to get into the habit of drawing poses so im using reference images to try and build up muscle memory#i found some cute pictures of two ppl playing by the sea shore and it reminded me of xin and sailor so im gonna draw em like that#i havent drawn em in so long..... maybe i should update xins reference since i changed their lore quite a bit#myart#my art#doodles#stardew valley#stardew#sdv#sdv harvey#kinda wanna see him whimper a little bit. as a treat
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Understandably So no one mentions charles when talking about the Logan movie and again Understandably So This Aint Bout Him however i do confess that as someone who had never seen Logan until like. a month ago when i was binging all the movies and without knowing a single thing about it aside from laura i cant lie i was in fact jumpscared by him being there. especially for at least like 3/4s of the movie
#xmen#logan movie#snap chats#i be ramblin today hello ...#it was a pleasant jumpscare. yk until he died. after realizing he committed atrocities by accident 😭😭💀 OLD MAN NOOO#but no please LIKE I READ THE DESCRIPTION WHEN GOING TO WATCH RIGHT#AND I WAS JUST THINKING 'oh he'll probably be here for like twenty minutes. wdym he's here for way longer than that'#i THINK years ago i REMEMBER seeing a screenshot of the hotel bit with laura and charles but again that was years ago#and i might be tricking myself maybe its a false memory jealvvelka either way i just know they were cute :(#point is he was here for. i cant even say So Little cause again He Was Here For An Hour And Thirty Minutes Out Of Two Hours#and lets be clear 'snap has your brain molded that much you know exactly how much screen time charles gets in the movies'#girl no not yet i only know exactly when he punches his clock cause i had to keep restarting the movie cause it kept pausing vjAELKAJE#and it just so happened to struggle literally like. ten minutes after he dies- like when logan was dealing with x24 THAT part#so rude for that.. anyway I Repeat i miss charles and laura bein cute :(#it wasnt a lot but it was just sweet.. i always like how charles always got that Professor in his soul with these movies#like in dofp when logan's losing it after. getting future ptsd jvALKVLAJ??K charles is there to ground him#despite being. Like That vjeaLKj like sir please ily. i will accept the Youre On Acid answer youre trying your best#and then with THIS movie evidently charles is having. the worst time upstairs#but he's still super sweet with laura like oh stop you grandpa im gonna throw up#and to STRESS. they were EVIL about that wholesome dinner bit like :((( oh to see the fam happy and safe again :(((#like im throwing up frankly. people were right this movie IS sad i underestimated their assessment 😭#to lighten the mood in my heart. charles really do be an old man in this movie hes such a menace to logan JELKAK#god. Most Normal X-Men Movie Watcher Focuses On Professor X During The Movie About Logan VEJLKJA#ok im done. sorry i just keep replayin that bit in my head where theyre in the car and logans just 'Did You Take Your Meds SHOW'#like pelase. jaeRLKEaj ok im gonna try drawing i looked at my wall long enough and i think i can draw something
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WATER SEVEN BABYYYYY
Look at robin reacting when luffy says he wont give her up.... 🥺🥺
This is a joke right now but its actually a one piece tenet aldjsisjka
Usopp aksbaksjakqk the foreshadow is foreshadowing... Also Robin being happy with the crew after the Aokiji incident... Fuck!!!!
Sanji thinking robin just vanished or flew away and suddenly usopp is soaring thru the skies... imagine
AAAAARGGGGHHHH YOU CAN SEE THE GEARS TURNING
Zoro talking to merry..... only while he is alone of course
Why are nami and sanji matching ajdhakjsk look at the citrus sisters
Carpenter: maybe it was the government
Gov agent: I don't think so, also don't say that they are everywhere
LUFFY SUPPORTS WOMEN'S WRONGS!!!
Don't scream att chopper like that!!! Look at him... So small....
Imu tease???? (No) (Also I've changed websites again bc the translation is kinda off , I can't find a good quality b&w spanish translation and the colors scare me (i want the real manga experience))
GET HIM ICEBURG!!!!
I truly forgor if this is just a lie about her wanting to find the rio poneglyphs or genuine because she wants to die and will do it for them... because in skypiea she says she is not interested in the weapons so maybe if the gov pardons her but considering what she wants is illegal then idk abdjabjs this is such a dumb thing to forget... like thats important girl where did it go (reading this after remembering and it's kinda funny... i will make any sacrifice to kill myself (and keep you safe)... she goes HARD)
Little paulie and mozu and kiwi.... omg hello (the SBS says the twins wanted to be shipwrights too omg)
Franky's backstory is small but it does so much for me like it is so central to the themes... boats and people...
DID SOMEBODY ORDER MORE TRAGIC BROTHERS?
The fact that franky needs to learn this lesson to pass it on to robin.... do you understand how big this is.... also Tom does exactly as he says and takes responsibility for franky and what he has done... because he has done nothing wrong AND THAT'S HIS SON and he just punched spandam bc he wanta him to feel the pain franky feels... Tom is such a man..... proud of having built eater 7 up with the sea train.... goes out with a boom.... should we all kill ourselves....
I am crying again................... franky my god.... and the fucking frog!!! And of course franky can't stop Tom's hope for his island... of course he can't.... he hasnt learnt the lesson yet but this guy isn't over yet!! He has a life of being a pervert cyborg ahead!!! Iceburg following Tom's footsteps but franky not being able to do that bc of his guilt....
This is one of the coolest things chopper has done btw...
NAMII 😭😭😭
Robin damning the world for her crew when all she has ever done is damn her companions for her own sake.... how big is this...
I can't take this...... it's always nami in these positions... it happens AGAIN in Zou with Sanji... there is no way
The love letter gag is too good like damn that's so funny
AND IT'S NAMI GOING THROUGH IT AGAIN!!!! SHE LOVES ROBIN SO MUCH!!!!
#OOOH GRANDPA TEASE!!! he wanted to see luffy too?? omg and he owes garp a favor so he is going to kill him... alright then....#robin attacking FIRST and ZORO coming to her defense!!! CHEFS KISS!!! INCREDIBLE#my GOD!!! ROBIN WANTING TO LEAVE HER PAST BEHIND BC SHE TRULY HAS BEEN CHANGED BY THEM AAAAHHHH#this is so good... aokiji had to end crocodile and he still has a debt to someone (garp?) AND smoker told him stuff about luffy too#kokoro is such an mvp... be careful with the government agents she says.... hell yeah they should do that#the people in water 7 just giving advice to the pirates akdhaksjak sure go fix your boat but down there#robin laughing like ufufufu is so cute... also kalifa knowing everything bc she is literally a gov agent 💀 ICEBURG WAKE UP!!!#lucci pulling out the ship of theseus response akdhakaj conundrum solved everyone!!!#usopp is so heartbreaking already... beaten he goes to franky to get his money back knowing he will lose bc he wants to fix the merry... go#zoro cutting steel like its nothing... yeahhhhh also does luffy think the ship and usopp are like sanji and the baratie??#he wants to sacrifice himself for it but doesn't realize his life is the treasure and not the thing... luffy realizing this is not worth it#the fight was insane.... usopp feels useless and is enmeshed with the merry so he won't let it go and tells luffy does not care when he doe#so luffy gets mad at usopp for lying and not understanding what is going on and says he is not a carpenter (true but hurts) so he is nothin#god it is so bad... sanji breaking p the fight is so important AFTER zoro says to calm down and talk but they rile each other up...#THE DIALOGUE IS INSANE!!!! USOPP IN DENIAL AND LUFFY TAKES ALL OF HIS BAIT IT'S JUST SO AJDBAKSNSKN AND THE ONLY LIES ARE WHAT USOPP THINKS#ABOUT LUFFY!!!! BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND!! HE JUST FEELS!! HE SAW MERRY!! THE ONLY ONE!!!#luffy just laying on the hammock for hours... telling nami usopp wouldnt give up his life for an argument... then he only needs to fight...#is luffy fighting usopp just so he can de stress kind of??? like he is letting him get his punches in and then he will come back#once he thinks things through... like nami did... and what sanji ends up doing too... like just give him what he wants#luffy likes fighting friends even and this is the only fight he doesn't want.... the merry crying GOD!!!!#the impact dial... it hurts them both.... jesus.... luffy got two hits in but those were enough.... they are making nami cry SANJI KILL THE#everyone is crying but sanji and zoro akdjsks yeah luffy got him what he wanted... he can keep the ship but he can't beat him#and after all if strength is made by conviction luffy knows he is right and usopp is just in denial... so of course he would lose#franky reveal and Robin assassin reveal at the same time.... just remembered when usopp asked her specialty and robin said assassinations 😭#luffy nami adventures hell yeah.... and theres even more after the aqua laguna... LETSGOOOOO#goddamn you can see the thread of kuzan finding robin with the strawhats to then cp9 forcing her to act in water seven....#franky acting weird because he is worried about iceburg... i know it...#iceburg: its weird youre working for the government... but thats for the audience to worry about. not for me#pluton was built on water seven ✍️✍️✍️ also iceburg saying weapons are bad no matter who holds them... yeah franky would agree#reading one piece
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#the thing that just keeps nagging me is that there's no way i was the only one right#i can't imagine he went his whole life and only got inappropriate with me after he was already a grandpa and everything#and i doubt he stopped after he lost easy access to me and dropped me like i never mattered at all#i keep thinking i should report it so at least its on record for someone else if they report too#or if someone else already reported than maybe me saying my experience could make that person be believed#but the thing is#(also remember this man is now dead anyway)#he was an officer and detective and then police chief for years before he ever became mayor#and he was so corrupt#and the city is an entagled nightmare of corruption and stuff#like we legitimately got multiple threatening phone calls and answering machine recordings from this man and his minions more than once ove#the years for various city council things and when my parent ran for election again years later and he didn't like that#anyway#the point is that the guy who was elected mayor after him was buddies with him anyway and ran the city the same way but with less#outward narcissism visibly#and the guy that got elected mayor after HIM a few years ago...you'll never believe this...#was also a police officer and then police chief for years and then got elected mayor...and THE FORMER MAYOR'S SON (the one who hurt me)#so while I would like to report it#i am. very nervous about how safe the police department is and how entwined it still is with the mayor's office#bc back in the day MY mayor had like. complete interconnections with the police still the whole way through. wayyyyy sketch#i don't know this new mayor#i know what his father did and i know what his father and his father's ideal people he surrounded himself with were like#and the city hasn't addressed or fixed any of its past corruption and stuff except in small department-upwards movements here and there#so i'm like. i don't live there anymore and i'd need to make a phone call to do any reporting#i have to go through them instead of the county police that i'd feel much safer with (relatively#they're still police obvs)#i'm like...i really want this on record. for the sake of the community and anyone else like me in case they're out there too.#and as an acknowledgment of my own belief in myself and a way to make it so even if i get scared i can never hide the secret again and#but like................is it safe for me to even tell that police department
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alan wake is a horror game and with reason, but to me one of the scariest part of alan wake 2 is finding pat maine's radio shows and slowly realizing theres something wrong about him this time
#Stop Playing With My Grandpa's Mind :((((((#tani's personal shit#alan wake 2#aw2 lb#what is this why does he keep talking about this woman who died 13 years ago why does everyone else remember that but him#its upsetting#is it the darkness or just demencia? either way :(#like YEAH everybody thinking saga's daughter died is also upsetting and i wonder wtf is up w/ that but... pat :( my friend pat from aw1 :(
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I LOVVEEEEE POKEMON X AND Y!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!! i watched the whole xy anime series a while back and nowwwww im at it againn :) i have such a soft spot for the whole kalos region . serenas my favorite and like i know its a little tumultuous with the fandom but i think ash and serena are really cute together ^_^ plus im continuing my pokemon y playthrough yayayyayayya!!!!!!
#in y im about to fight korrina i think :) fighting type gym! i think shes my favorite gym leader in this gen#gonna go the the mega evolution specialist who i belieevvveeee is either korrinas dad or grandpa i dont remember#in the tower of mastery....!#ive also been playing a lot of violet ^_^!! n i think im gonna pop into moon today too#ive still got to continue my sword playthrough i keep forgetting about swsh
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when i was younger and hung out around my uncle a lot more than i do now, i remember whenever he referred to things regarding his native heritage, he always just called it "indian". called himself an indian, called the words he taught us indian, so on. since i was a little kid who didn't know any better, i didn't know that "indian" in the context of indigenous americans was a very broad, frankly bastardized term to paint a vast variety of cultures spanning two whole damn continents with one brush. it only occurred to me as i got much older than i was at the time that there'd be more than one "indian" language, and up until now since i had no idea what tribe(s) he even is i couldn't even begin to know where to look unless i found a download of every goddamn interlingual dictionary available and painstakingly checked every godddamn one for what their word for "thunder" is
the word he taught us meant thunder was hiloha. i didn't even know how to spell it until now, because he only ever said it aloud. literally just a few minutes ago, i decided to ask my grandma (his sister) if we knew what tribe(s) he belonged to. and apparently he's a mix of choctaw and makah. which gave me a lead, which led to me finding a dictionary on libgen, which led to me word searching "thunder" in the choctaw to english dictionary. it's the only word i remember him teaching us, and i'm unsure if he ever tried teaching us others. but it was his dogs name, and he was a damn good boy, so i remembered it clear as day. though, they normally shortened it to "hilo".
so, i guess what came out of this is that i now know a bit more about my uncle's heritage, and where to look for more research. so, if you're gonna have a takeaway from this, i'd appreciate it if you remembered the word "hiloha". it means thunder. and aside from being the name of a very good boy who deserves to be remembered, i think it's even more important to remember the histories, cultures, and of course the languages of all the indigenous folks who came before us and did their damndest to preserve their cultures in spite of it all.
#honestly a bit unsure if he was just simplifying it all down for us little idiot kids or not#regardless i think it's an important memory to keep alive#writing this up got me thinking about my time spent over at his place when i was real young. we spent a thanksgiving or two over there#both him and his wife were alcoholics at the time. she probably still is but she's been out of their lives for a while#i remember huddling in the corner with my cousin and my mom while they both fought. i distinctly remember her slapping him over the head#with a TV remote. not a very happy thanksgiving that one#it occurred to me while remembering this that there's definitely some kind of bitter irony to a white woman abusing a native man and his so#on thanksgiving. not even mentioning just a (mostly) native family having a bad thanksgiving in general. a bitter memory all around#god she was a cunt. talked shit about welfare queens and people on food stamps while me and my mom bought her food with our food stamps#claimed to be a vegetarian because how much she loved animals but still regularly ate bacon#i definitely don't remember my uncle being perfect in that relationship but i also definitely remember her being far worse#i'm almost certain it was mutual abuse but there's definitely a reason why my uncle's still in my cousin's life and mother isn't#aside from the fact that she did in fact abandon them and start a new family#as far as i know my uncle's recovered from his alcoholism and she hasn't. which itself wouldn't be a sin if she wasn't also naturally just#nasty piece of vaguely human looking garbage even without the alcohol#the way i understand it alcohol usually doesn't change who a person is at their core. it just amplifies who they already are#my grandpa's a very loving man and while i've never seen him get outright drunk i'm told he's very sweet and cuddly#saying this feels like a bit of a blanket statement but i definitely feel like for the most part if someone is an abusive piece of shit#while drunk they're also a lot more likely to be an abusive piece of shit sober#i've heard that some people are sweet and kind sober and turn nasty when drunk. i've never seen that firsthand but i'm sure it's entirely#possible. i can't speak whether it actually reveals who they really are or what. i'm not a psychologist#im rambling. oh well!#i'm glad that my cousin and uncle seem to be in a better place now. got their shit together#that's what matters
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it is not slacking off to write or create it is not slacking off to do things that are fun i am not slacking off or procrastinating right now i'm allowed to do things i enjoy doing for fun including playing games and writing and such
#if i say it enough i will remember it's true#can you guess which aspect of capitalism i'm struggling with today?#it does not help my bones are somehow WORSE than yesterday even after all of the rest i took so that's Super Fun:tm:#so i've got that on in the back of my head#ugh#i... am putting off calling my grandma - i meant to do it last week but i got too in my head about it#and uno reversed myself into forgetting to do it at all until the Worst Times Possible#(generally around Normal Fuckin Meal Times)#i want to call to wish her a belated mother's day and check in re: grandpa but also...#also i don't want to have to do a phone call i don't want to talk to them about anything at all#they stress me out to talk to and it makes me super uncomfortable to be on the phone in general let alone with a Heavy Topic over our heads#like.... i'm comfortable with where i'm at acceptance-wise with Grandpa's whole situation#and i know i am late for a better relationship with the pair of them in general#like i'm not going to repair a relationship that wasn't built to collapse down to this point this is as far as it got built up to#i'm not building more relationship between me and someone who i know is passing soon when they didn't take the opportunity either#like they had just as much chance as me to improve our relationship after i became an adult and they chose to use my mother as#an intermediary which has stunted their connection to me and that's not my fault#i admittedly did not reach out but i was not taught i could safely do that to anyone#because my parents badmouth literally any person they know for one reason or another#i regularly fuck up in conversations with my grandparents because i'll say somethign that is a holdover from my understanding of them#through my parents and it's like. kind of really insulting! and i've been doing it my whole life and i know as soon as i get their reaction#and i can't recover because i don't actually know them at all#so i can't be like ''oh my god i know that's inaccurate i have no idea why i said that'' because i *don't* know until after i've done it#every goddamn time it happened the last time i got a call from them too#like... my bio fam/family of origin is just not good at keeping in touch and i know i'm a product of that#and i know theoretically how to adjust for it but it does require work on the other end of the line too#and unfortunately i know my bio family too well and know they won't do their part#i grew up in the group project everyone hates#and i'm on my way to deciding they can show up to the presentation day without me#i've started a new family project over here with blackjack and hookers
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I just remembered I made a pizza OC too who was supposed to be one of the other pizza characters in Pizza Steve’s friend group (or his brother I guess???? i think I decided brother)
he’s one of those dessert pizzas thats nutella and strawberry and his personality is that he’s extremely kind and nice and believes in ALWAYS doing the right thing no matter what (which is why I want him to be Steve’s brother maybe his younger brother even cause I can see Steve thinking Nolan is a total boring buzzkill and not wanting to hang out with him) also his design is based on @pizzasteveofficial ‘s human pizza steve design
#SORRY I KEEP POSTING LOL I JUST ONLY REMEMBER THINGS AT 4 AM FOR SOME REASON#uncle grandpa#uncle grandpa oc#pizza nolan#my art#my oc#also his face reminds me of ezekiel from aqua teen hunger force now that im seeing it again 3 years later lol
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forest rangers dont want you to know this but you can go off trail in the woods. you can just go walk in the wild forest. just keep your bearings and dont go fucking around too much and youll be fine
#ive done it and survived so its possible#like legit if you walk off trail in just a straight line youre fine#keep landmarks in mind and remember what direction you came from#my grandpa has taken me places hes had to machete to. and here i am on my computer
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Hello! I’m a recent follower, and I really love your Old Man Phil AU. I was wondering, does Phil ever realize that he was a racist, genocidal zealot who was going to be responsible for a *lot* of deaths on the Day of Unity? If so, how does he feel when he remembers? You don’t have to answer this if your ask box is super full, or if you just don’t want to.
Hey! Sorry for taking a while to get back to this post, it's been a while since I've watched TOH and my interest in the au has died down. But I have thought about how a possible reveal like this would go, though since the au was mostly for laughs (and so I could relentlessly bully Belos) I didn't put much in depth thought into it.
I do love to ramble, though, so let me ramble a bit about how I'd like to portray "the reveal" in the au
Since this is a early season 1 au, a LOT of things are obviously diverging from canon, too many to really write down right now. Thered be different events entirely from canon, things that occurred as a catalyst of either Belos's actions or the actions or people associated with him would either not occur at all or occur differently, so the timeline is definitely going to look a lot different.
That said, I think having Phil realize/remember who he was/is should happen around... maybe mid-to-late season 2? I mean like. I don't know how exactly itd go. Maybe he falls down another set of stairs, wakes up, and goes "HOLY SHIT" like right after
I feel like itd be a huge tonal whiplash. Also itd be like... okay, so memories do shape a person, and the new memories "Phil" forms shapes him. So I imagine if/when the old memories comes back, there's a definite conflict of priorities/moral values going on there. I mean I imagine inherently Belos/Philip is an incredibly selfish person with a list of crimes several miles long, BUT he also believes that everything he's doing is the right thing (for whom, whether it be himself or humanity or whatever season 3 revealed, is up in the air) even when he takes enjoyment from the suffering of others during the process (literally just count any of the times hes hurt someone else in the show) like hes so full of himself it physically hurts, so obviously he'd probably try to rationalize everything to himself. Because I imagine having the willpower to keep on doing shit like that for CENTURIES takes a BUNCH of rationalization and leaps of logic, especially since hes a zealot who grew up within heavily religious and I imagine almost cultish surroundings.
I imagine denial. HEAVY denial. Imagine one day you're just some old dude with a mildly shitty attitude and then the next day you wake up and remember your entire past life where you were a racist, genocidal, puritanical tyrant that had extended his own life by unnatural means and also killed his own brother and did WHAT with his body and also is planning to Literally Murder Everyone. What do you even do in that situation?
I dont think hed be able to look anyone in the eye at all after learning that. A) because these are people past-him wanted to MURDER, and B) because a very decent part of him, after having regained those memories, still feels the ingrained hate and vitriol it once had towards witches.
Its strange to think of where hed go from that point, because you'd have to take into account both his older personality and his newer personality and the morals, memories, relationships, etc both past him and current him had, since they'd all affect what hed do.
But basically: a whole mix of emotions including guilt (at the whole murder and being a terrible human being thing like seriously awful), rage (at losing his memories in the first place), even more rage (at having "played house" with witches and demons), denial, denial, and more denial.
#sorry for the ramble and the late reply its been a WHILE since i even thought of this au#belos is a fascinating character but in the way where i want to dissect him and examine his brain#also this is not even mentioning what this does to everyone else#imagine your grandpa remembering he was the genocidal dictator of a fantasy land thats bonkers wild#old man phil au#not art#cyno ask#my mind keeps on going back to hunter whenever i think of this au because poor fucking hunter man#GOD i imagine he goes along with the whole thing at first as a recon mission and then eventually he starts genuinely following along#he KNOWS phil is belos. he thinks hes obligated to bring the emperor back. hes hit with all of these conflicting morals and stuff bc like..#he LIKES this new version of his uncle and while at first he had to struggle with incredible guilt and fear at that#he grows more comfortable over time. this poor kid is just so guilty because hes so happy at his uncle finally being fucking DECENT to him#and then boom reveal#everything goes to shit#okay okay rambling over#i just. have a lot of emotions over hunter.
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#tonight or tomorrow morning actually is the 4 year anniversary of my dog dying and like surprise surprise lol im still not over it like.#i honest to god dont think i ever will. i honestly dont know how people move on and get other pets and just. keep on living like i#understand it like for some people it's part of the healing process but i just could never do it. like i just cant even fathom#i dont know that's not the point. the point is im having such a hard time because everytime i do anything tonight i keep thinking#4 years ago i still had my dog or 4 years ago in 5 hours i didnt know id be going to the vet at 1am and going home without my dog at 5am#and i just keep reliving it no matter how hard i try to not. and on one hand i want it hurt like i want to remember it just to punish myself#i just i just cant move on like it's just. i went 24 years of my life without ever experiencing death and then 4 years ago today my dog dies#in the most tragic possible way ever and then 11 months later my other dog who i had for 17 years since i was 8 dies and yeah still#not over that one either because i never let myself process that or truly grieve her because i had to shut that up real tight#or i would have lost it for real. and i have the most fucked up miserable tragic dreams about her so many nights a week#because she was old and had been u know. like old dogs do they just decline and that was impossibly hard to watch but at least i kind of#knew it was coming u know but like with my other dog. there was just absolutely no warning it was so sudden and it just ripped me apart and#i honest to god will never be okay again and then 6 months after all that i find out my ex died and only because after 6 years i finally#Finally decide to have the guts to talk to him again and apologize and explain and try to be friends and then nope he's dead#then in between all those deaths a super close family friend died and my grandpa my dad's dad died and like it's just#i had never even experienced death before and then all of a sudden i was engulfed in it and i just dont know how to come back from it.#but tonight is just. painful. like i havent even said his name out loud since it happened. i cant talk about him at all just writing this i#want to cry like it just fucking hurts forever. and it should i guess.#and i feel so stupid because so many times i wonder if my cat even remembers them and i wonder if she misses them too and idk#that makes me feel stupid and emotional and im just a wreck but i should be.
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when i was younger, sometimes i'd go to relay something i'd learned to my dad and he'd start up his news reporter bit.
"we go now live to dr. <our last name>. doctor, what can you tell us about <whatever topic>?"
and sometimes i'd just laugh, sometimes i would elaborate with delight, and sometimes i'd be annoyed. i think 95% or more of the time he really did want me to "teach" him. even later in life, early adulthood for me, we'd still call each other just to tell each other something cool we'd learned recently. he usually didn't do the dr. lastname bit any more because it feels somewhat condescending to do that to a person working through undergrad, but he would prompt me for more details and always had great questions.
the bit has always stuck with me fondly. now, years since he's passed, it's even been making me think of going back to school. i think he would have liked that. i think dr. lastname was an attempt at subliminal messaging and maybe even a challenge. i think he wanted me to get used to the idea of my opinion being valued and my expertise being sought. i think from the time i was five he could see that graduation crystal clear in his mind's eye.
i've been yearning to go back to school again (though i think going for grad school won't scratch the itch that living on campus for undergrad left behind) and thinking on the bit. i almost want to go back just to honor him, just to introduce myself as dr. lastname and hear his voice in mine every time. haha, i almost want to go back just to avoid mr/ms questions by responding with dr.
#personal#i miss him. he'd have been an excellent grandpa.#as i've gotten older i've wondered frequently if i'm actually autistic because it would explain so many things.#so not only is this my dad encouraging his at the time *girl* to be her best in the way that many girls are discouraged from#this also hits me as him encouraging my nerdy little ass to infodump with no judging and no annoyance ToT#for every time my aunt called me smart ass/wise ass my dad asked for my expert opinion ten times#it's still so hard to believe he's gone sometimes. i keep having the dream with this ongoing continuity that he faked his death#and is actually still alive and i've just been forgetting to visit/call him like i should#and the dreams are so convincing. i suddenly remember every time that he's still around and i arrange a visit. sometimes i make it to him#in that dream and sometimes i don't. but it's not a reality that my brain wants to easily shake off when i wake. i usually wake up like#'oh yeahhhhh i SHOULD call him- oh.'#anyway. fuck that dream but also goddamnit bless it#at least i get to see him sometimes#grief#loss#parent death
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